All language subtitles for 1_what.we.do.in.the.shadows.s06e06.1080p.web.h264-lazycunts_English

One, two, three, four pillows
on couch.

What are they doing now?
What did I miss?

- [Nandor] Hey!
- Get out of the way.

Nothing. They are not home yet.

We recently discovered,
besides our neighbors

Sean and Charmaine
on that side of the house,

we also have neighbors
on this side.

Can you imagine? More neighbors.

It was a stroke of blind luck
we discovered we even
had a window

on this side of the house.

This side of the house.

Dear Guide,
every time I call you,

I lose my nerves
like a chicken
for the slaughter.

I was-- Oh.

Oh, shit.

We have a window.
It's a It's a house.

Hey. Ooh. Oh, sh

And now we are using that window
to spy on the neighbors.

Why are they not home yet?

Have you guys seen
my phone anywhere?

Not now, Guillermo.
We are spying on the neighbors.

- Why?
- [Nadja] Look.

They're home.
They're home. They're home.

What's this shit?
When did old bald guy grow hair?

What?

[Nadja] They're not even wearing
the same clothes they left in
this morning.

- Are they in disguise?
- And somehow looking
30 years younger.

So yeah, the house next door
is very obviously an Airbnb.

I guess I never taught them
what-- No, you know what?
I did. I did.

They probably weren't listening.

[Nadja] Oh, no.

That house belongs
to shape-shifters. [spits]

- Fuck.
- You're kidding me, right?

Shape-shifters
are extremely freaky.

[Nadja] They're awful,
abhorrent creatures that use
the most ancient of sorcery

to transform into
whatever murderous,
all-powerful shape

their wicked hearts desire.

And now they have infiltrated
our street.

I have had horrible experiences
with shape-shifters in the past.

I was once in a relationship
with a woman for four years

who then transformed
into a possum.

I stayed with her for six
more months, but then
I just had to end it.

This is a fucking nightmare.

- It's just an Airbnb.
- [Nadja, Nandor]
Shut up, Guillermo.

♪ Don't sing
if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out
of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope
and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You've sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

- [plays suspenseful tune]
- Recently, I've been beset

by the most strange
and eerie feeling.

A chill down my spine.

A weight on my shoulders.

The most ethereal sounds
coming from absolutely nowhere.

[farting]

Like that. Did you hear that?

Actually, that was just me
breaking wind.

But these macabre sounds
are very similar.

My wife Nadja thinks
they might be ghosts,

but I'm not so sure.

[Nadja, Nadja Doll
chanting in foreign language]

- [Nadja] Oh, shit!
- [Laszlo] Shit.
Did the summoning work?

- [Laszlo] So it did.
- [Nadja gasps]

Ah. Aha!

Hello, my son. It's me, Papa.

- Fuck off.
- [Nadja scoffs]

Laszlo. Laszlo!

- [ghost] Oh
- [Laszlo] No fucking way.

I see the grumpy fellow
hasn't changed a lick.

[laughs]

Well,
what a lovely sight you are.

- Oh.
- Roderick Cravensworth.

Is it really you?
Laszlo's father?

Well, if the tit fits the cup.

- Definitely family, then.
- [Nadja Doll] Yes.

And you must be
his ethnic mistress.

Yes, that is how it started.
But I am actually now
very much his wife.

We have been married
for many hundreds of years.
[chuckles]

How much I have missed.

What a divine pleasure it is
to make your acquaintance.

[Nadja] Oh [chuckles] Oh.

- Um, trying to get the kerchief.
- This is a perennial
ghost issue.

So I have to ask,

- what's your
unfinished business?
- Yes.

Well, my tiny lady, I'm here
to repair my long-troubled
relationship with Laszlo.

Yes, he may be a vampire and I
a spirit, but we will always be,
above all else,

father and son.

- [Nadja Doll] Aw
- Yes, we love that.

[Nadja Doll] So sweet.

- Oh. Hello.
- [Nadja] Oh, yes.

[stammers]
What are these contraptions?

Oh, uh, these are
camera machines.
They take your portrait.

Ah, yes, you have
to keep very still.

[Nadja] Um

Anyone else notice the ghost,
or is it just me?

- Come on, Laszlo.
Just introduce him.
- All right.

Attention, everybody.

May I introduce you to a man
who has gone by many names.

- The Whispering Swordsman.
- [Nadja] Mmm.

Scurrilous Bob.
The Barkham Bone Digger.
The Marquess of Manchester.

- Nice. Huh.
- The Black Finger.

- And lastly, my father
- [Nandor] Nice.

- Lord Roderick Cravensworth.
- [Nadja chuckles]

- You forgot one sobriquet.
- [Nadja] Oh?

The Night Dog of Tresco.
But that was most of them.

I'm delighted to meet
all of my beloved
son's roommates.

Although I did think perhaps
he would have had his own
place by now,

but what do I know?

[Nadja, Nandor, Colin laugh]

Let me ask you, sir. How did you
get all those dope nicknames?

The finest man I ever knew
bestowed most of those monikers
upon me.

That is, soon after
he saved my life
in deepest Sumatra.

- Oh, wow. And what was his name?
- [Monster grunts]

[groans] I can't remember.
I think it was Glen
or something.

- Glen.
- And who might this,

uh, taciturn fellow be?

- Get up.
- [grunts]

This, Father,
is my greatest creation to date.

I call him
Cravensworth's Monster.

Now, as you can see,
I've created a man by
reanimating dead human flesh.

Surpassing any of your own
scientific experiments.

No, I tried it,
but it didn't work.

I just ended up with
a dead body with lots
of bits stuck together.

[stammers]
I didn't reanimate it.

I sewed the body bits together,
but I didn't do the reanimation.

- So, well done. Yes.
- [Monster grunts]

Although, not the most comely
of fellows. Perhaps he
takes after his creator.

- [Nadja laughs]
- [Nandor] Hey. [laughs]

- [Colin] Very good.
- I would love a tour

of Château de Cravensworth.

Really? Well, it's a pity that
because we're very busy
right now.

Actually, Night Dog of Tresco,

I would love to show you around
our humble abode.

Fantástico. Lead on, squire.

- Out here is what
we call the foyer.
- [Roderick] Very good.

- [Nandor] What a fun guy.
- [Nadja] So charming.

- [Nadja Doll] Love him.
- What? He's not fun.

- He's pretty fun.
- You've been beguiled

by his wicked charms.

The only reason he has
come back here is to
make amends with you.

Why don't you give him a chance?

My darling,
that man is never to be trusted.

Never.

His silver tongue is as sharp
as the ivory paddle

that he used to bring down
across my bare backside.

He would spank me
in front of the polo horses.

He'd give them a right show.

My bare backside out in the wind
for all to see.

How everyone would laugh

as that paddle would come down
hard across my bare backside.

"Arms out, head forward,
be a good boy."

It would come down again.

Again and again and again.

Are you okay?

Forgive me.
I'm not quite myself.

Uh, I thought you
quite liked being spanked.

[Nadja Doll] Oh, yeah.

I used to keep these in my room,
but I ran out of space,

so I had to move 'em up here.

[beeping]

You'll see why in a second.

[Colin grunts, laughs]

- Ta-da.
- What an impressive collection

- of detailed maquettes.
- Really?

Most people don't give
a flying F to the moon
about my Funko army.

No, I think they're enchanting.

And who is this
bewitching bonita?

Oh, well, you have
really good taste.

That is Lizzo.
And it's a rare one because
she's holding the flute.

This one's also Lizzo.

This one she's holding
her purse, but this one
she's holding the flute.

Geez, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm
probably boring you to death--

No, no. Please, please.

I could listen to you
extemporize on these plastic
things for hours, my boy.

Get your ghost hand
off him, Father.

Enough of the soft-shoe.

Reveal your game
or suffer the consequences.

Now, now. Calm down,
my bubbly boy.

Yeah?

What's that in your hands?

- What? This?
- Yes.

It's a spirit catcher
of my own invention.

From the last time
we had a ghost infestation.

Yeah. It also coincided with me
showing him Ghostbusters II,

and a week later,
he "came up" with that device.

It was a parallel thought.

Well, I for one
am fascinated by it.

Do tell me about
this divine device,
my cherubic Fibonacci.

Well, it is quite interesting.

- It's a atomic vacuum
modified by myself.
- Atomic?

- I added the blunderbuss.
- Blunderbuss?

Yep. And as you can see,

I've housed everything
into a large carriage clock.

- That is stupendous.
- [Laszlo] Isn't it just?

And, uh, I used this
from one of Nadja's old

- [Roderick] Mmm. Yes.
- dresses.

You can get fucked.

I'm onto you. You only
flatter when you want something.

Well, you got five seconds
before I suck you to
kingdom come.

The last time I heard that was
on my penultimate visit
to the cunny pot.

- [Colin laughs] Cunny pot.
- [Nadja laughs]

I didn't even hear it,
but I know it was funny.

It was really funny.
[laughs] It's good.

[Colin laughs]

[Laszlo] Ah. Fleet of foot.
Yes. His usual trick.

Show yourself, you bastard.

[scoffs] Look at these two.
Cooking dinner.

- Please, as if.
- Bullshit.

[Nadja] What are
these shape-shifting
sons of bitches planning?

Um, Airbnb shouldn't even be
that hard of a concept
to wrap your head around.

Will you shut
the fuck up, Guillermo?

- [Nandor] Yes.
- Okay.

Nandor, I'll say it.

We need to capture
and destroy the shape-shifters.

Yes, I'm in full
agreement, Nadja.

So maybe I just go over there,
and I kill and mince them
with my bare hands.

Fuck. That's really good.

Mmm.

I think you should give your dad
another chance, Laszlo.

I mean, he's really nice.

And he knows a hell of a lot
about the spice trade.

With all due respect,
Colin Robinson,

you haven't got
a fucking clue who the shit
you're fucking with.

Look, we're getting closer.
And closer. He's in here.

Show yourself, Padre.
Meet thy maker.

[atomic vacuum clicking]

Leslie, please wait.

I know I haven't been
the best father, but I felt
this pull to return.

To be the father
you've always needed.

And to learn about
this incredible, modern
vampire life you lead.

You expect me to believe
that shoeshine?

No. I think he means it.

I think he's really interested
in learning about our lives.

- Yes.
- Besides,

it's been really nice having
an older male figure
in the house.

Yeah, it has.

I sure wish I had one
when I was growing up.

What? You fucking did.
It was me.

I raised you from a baby,
Colin Robinson.

You keep saying that and
people are gonna think you're

My son.

You may well choose
to use that apparatus on me,

but know that I care
about you deeply,
my rotten little soldier.

And I would give anything
[sobs] for a second chance.

[sniffles]

[Roderick sobs] Oh [whimpers]

Please don't cry, Father.

[crying]

- Please, don't cry.
- All right, then.

[atomic vacuum clicks,
powers down]

All right,
I'll give you a second chance.

But if you fuck up,
I will suck you dry.

As the maître d' of the
Hellfire Club said to me
whilst getting my peacoat.

You are literally
the funniest man ever.

- [Roderick] I like him.
- All right.

So, Mr. Cravensworth asked us
to show him our New York,

and I get to choose
where we go first.

Times Square M&M store,
here we come.

Wait, Laszlo.

You're not just going out
into the world unattended.

I presume a gentleman
of your station has a
manservant of some kind.

I do have a manservant.

I just choose not
to let him stay in the house.

Ah.

If you'll excuse me.
I shall be a moment.

[Colin] My grandma's
also a ghost.

- Hey, knock first.
- I need you to come with me,

pretend to be my manservant
and do not ask me why.

[sighs] It's okay if you're
trying to impress your
dad's ghost.

- Well, I'm not.
- You know,

I would wanna impress
my dad too.

Hypothetically. He left when
I was three, so I never
got to meet him.

Right. Okay. That makes you
the luckiest man in the world.

Come on, Gizmo. Uh

- Now!
- [sighs] Coming.

[engine chugging]

Give me a minute.

Are you sure you don't need me
to look under the hood?

[Laszlo] No, I don't
need anything. I'm fine.

Fuck!

I'm gonna go give him a hand
and sort this out.

[Laszlo] Fan-fucking-tastic.

You're very lucky to serve a man
as wonderful as my son.

- Hmm.
- If you're anything like
my butler Cecil,

you'll know how to anticipate
his every need.

And I do mean his every need.

The G-spot. The erotic zone.

Oh. No, sorry.

It's not like that
with your son and I.

Cecil worked my whirligigs
like a maypole.

He was something
of a psychosexual chess master.

Could we talk about
something else, maybe?

Have you ever kissed a ghost?

Now it's go time.

Lancer to Rawhide,
do you read me? Over.

Rawhide to Lancer,
I can read you loud and clear.

Why, hello,
my sweet gooseberry jam.
How much for a go-round?

- Ahem.
- Miss Nadja,
my sincerest apologies.

I briefly mistook you
for a lady of the night.

You thought I was a little
fucking whore, did you?

- Yes.
- You charmer.

Cut the cross talk, Rawhide.
Stay on mission!

That's lively.
Get a rag, Colin Robinson.
Get a rag!

Okay.

Rawhide, make your way
through the side gate.

[Nandor] Be very quiet.

If they sense you coming,

they'll rip you apart before
you can even bare your fangs.

- But you got this.
- [Nadja whimpers]

You will soon see a mat.

On it is written "welcome."

Counts as an invitation.

[chuckling]

It would be easier to hide
if you stopped talking.

Okay. That's smart.

- I'll stop talking. [gasps]
- Shut up!

She's in.

[Nandor] Now she must hide
and catch them unawares.

Look at them!
The shape-shifters.

They don't suspect a thing.

They're too busy playing
with the combat training blocks.

Oh, shit!

Shit, they've heard her!
They've heard her!

She's fucked!

Rawhide, shape-shifter one
has picked up a knife.

He's approaching you!

He could shape-shift
at any moment!

Can you hear me? Over.
Don't engage alone.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Rawhide, do you need backup?

Can you hear me?

Rawhide! Do you copy? Over.

- Ha! You beauty.
- [engine starts]

Bravo, my mechanical maestros.

[Colin] I fixed it.

It was the exhaust manifold.
I just had to get in there
a little.

It wasn't the fucking exhaust
manifold. It was the spark
ignition, and I fixed it.

Trust me.
I fixed it all on my own, Daddy.

I meant, uh

Um, I meant to say, uh,

- Mr. Cravensworth.
- [explosion]

[Laszlo] Fuck's sake!

[Nandor screams]

- [walkie-talkie beeps]
- Rawhide,

the shape-shifters
took out the jalopy.

I've got your back, Rawhide!

- [screams, groans]
- Shit. Fuck. Sorry, Nate.

[Nadja] They're shifting!
Fuck this!

- [Nandor] Rawhide!
- [Nadja grunts]

[grunting]

[sighs] Oh, good.
She made it out.

I thought I was fucking dead.
[exhales]

What's this? They got Nate?

- Yes, Nate got got.
- [Nadja] Oh, no.

- Wait. Wait a minute.
- What?

I was not watching you
the entire time that you were
over there.

How do I know
that you are actually you

and haven't been replaced
by a shape-shifter?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- [Nadja shrieks]
- [Nandor shouts]

- [Colin chattering]
- [Roderick chuckles]

- [Laszlo] Great.
- [Roderick] The truth is,

Sir Colin of Robinson,
that I never knew my own father.

Yeah, me neither.

It's a terrible thing
and leaves a man ill-equipped

when it comes to
his own turn at parenthood.

Oh, I-I think you're
the coolest guy ever.

Well, you know, you're not
half bad yourself, young man.

Do you think

Nah, it's kind of stupid.

No, please. Tell me.

I was going to ask
if I could maybe give you a hug.

I don't know that you'll be able
to feel these translucent arms
of mine

but I think we should have a go,
don't you?

All right. [chuckles]

I don't know. Maybe I have
been too harsh on my father.

After all, he is showing
kindness to Colin Robinson.

A Herculean task
if ever there was one.

You're fucking kidding.

Remind me again, Nadja.

If that is in fact
who you really are.

What is my favorite film?

I don't fucking know!

Captive did not know
that the captor's favorite film

is The Incredible
Burt Wonderstone.

Enough of this!

Just because I ignore all
of the bullshit that you say,

does not prove
that I am a shape-shifter.

If anything, it proves
that it is me!

Someone who doesn't care
about anything you say!

Now, will you just untie me?

Okay, fine.
You are not a shape-shifter.

Okay? I apologize.

I can admit when I'm wrong.

Done.

Sorry. I just was a little
paranoid, that's all.

It is odd, though.

I myself was away from you
for a while while I was
in the house.

So?

Admit it. You are just
a snaky, tricky little
shape-shifting bitch.

- [groans]
- Ha!

- Yeah, he is.
- We must not let them
tear us apart

- like this.
- [door bell chimes]

Oh, shit.

[Guillermo] Nadja, Nandor!
The lady from next door
is here to see you guys.

The shape-shifters are here.

The shape-shifters are here!
What are we gonna do?

- [groans]
- Pull yourself together!

- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you.

- I feel much better now.
- [Guillermo] Please come down!

I've been here 15 years
and no one by that description
comes to mind.

- Really? Not those two?
- Who?

My guests said
they were in the house.

They also said
that an old-timey car exploded.

Your guests? Hmm.

[whispers]
Perhaps she is their leader.

No, she is the host
of the Airbnb and owner of--

Silence, Guillermo.

My guests also said
you were spying on them.
With a telescope?

Listen here, shifty.

We are onto your little games.

What you have going on
over there

violates all of the laws
of nature. [snarls]

Okay, fine. Technically,
the unit isn't zoned
for an Airbnb, okay?

I'm just trying to make
some passive income.
Is that such a crime?

What the fuck
is she talking about?

- Guillermo,
what is passive income?
- Yes. And what is "Airppp?"

Yeah, that's what's going on.

We figured out that
that was an illegal unit.

Shit. Okay, listen, can we
just keep this between us?

Maybe we can work out
some kind of deal.

[both murmuring]

- [Monster] Great Britain.
- [Roderick]
Yes, the British Empire.

We've plundered the world, but
our museums are fucking great.

What are you doing
down here, Father?

Just having a bit of chitchat
with your curious creation.

Right.

Well, not easy
for me to say this,

but I know you have
paternal affection for me, and
that affection is reciprocal,

though not often displayed
due to a fear that it might
not be returned in kind.

Very well put, my boy.

But what I'd like to do
is begin a more

free-flowing communication
between the two of us.

That would gladden
my heart, my bonny lad.

[chuckling]

- Hug Daddy.
- What are you--

- Hug Daddy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Explain to me why
the Book of Souls is open
on my workbench right behind you

and on that particular spell.

Yes, I thought as much.

I know exactly what you're doing
and the answer is a big fat no.

I forbid you to use my monster
as your vessel
on this earthly plane.

I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.

Really?
As soon as my back's turned,

you'd be up that bastard
like a frankfurter sausage
in a bun.

- Coward.
- But, Son,

you don't understand
what it's like,

the place where I come from,
where my spirit resides.

It's fucking awful.

All the classes
are mixed together.

I have to talk to poor people.

I have to feign interest
in the Welsh.

I can't touch myself. It's hell.

But if my ghost could
inhabit a human body,
I could begin life anew

and have an orgasm again for the
first time in 200 fucking years.

It's all about you, isn't it?

Always about
Lord Roderick Cravensworth.
No one else matters.

Ruining my life from day one.
Like when you humiliated me
at Wimbledon.

You can't play power tennis.
There's no shame in that.

- You fucked my Latin tutor!
- Veni, vidi, veni.
You got into Eton.

Hiring Rasputin
to be my babysitter.

That was last minute.

And who can forget
when you murdered Mother?

- Not this again.
- Good grief.

Prove it.

Well, I'll tell you something.

You are not getting your hands
on my monster,

my greatest creation to date.

You will not be using him
as your meat puppet.

You think I'd want this
wretched homunculus for a body?

- [Monster] I right here!
- No, you have me all wrong.

You see, the divine human vessel
I wish to inhabit is your own.

- [Monster grunts]
- I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on, Son.
You've had your turn.

Be a good boy and let
your daddy inhabit your flesh.

- The Father of the Fatherless.
Shammash.
- No! No!

No! This must stop! [screams]

- O Ancient Ones.
Gods of the Night.
- Shut your mouth!

Spirit catcher!

- [grunts]
- [Roderick speaks
ancient language]

[screams]
Get me my spirit catcher!

[grunts] Yes!

- Ha!
- [Monster grunts]

- [whooshing]
- Prepare to get sucked, Daddy.

No! Not like this!

No!

- [Monster grunts]
- Oof! [exhales]

[exhales]

Farewell, Father.

So yeah, after I spent
another two hours

explaining to Nadja and Nandor
that our neighbor wasn't
a shape-shifter

I told you what it is.
It's her space.
She's renting it out.

Remember I went to an Airbnb
on vacation for--

What has it got to do
with the air?

- [Guillermo]
We made a deal with her.
- [sighs]

We wouldn't report Nancy's
illegal Airbnb if she would
let us stay

- for a free weekend
once a month.
- I mean, look at this sign.

It says, "Bye Felicia
and take Karen with you."

I'm gonna start saying that.

[knocking]

- Hey.
- Come on in.

I just wanted to drop off

- some fresh baked cookies
- Ooh!

to say thank you
for your discretion.

- [mimics zipping]
- Couldn't possibly.

- Thank you, Nancy.
- Anything you need,
you let me know, okay?

- Bye Felicia
and take Karen with you.
- Take Karen with you.

[laughs] You guys are so crazy.
Have the best night. Amazing.

- [Nadja Doll] She's really nice.
- Mm-hmm.

- [Nandor] Bananagrams, anyone?
- [Nadja] Yes. Why not?

[Nandor] Help me turn the tiles.

- [groans]
- So sorry.

- [Laszlo] All right, old chap.
- Oh. Where's Mr. Cravensworth?

I got him this Pop Yourself
that looks like him.

I know it's kind of stupid,
but I thought--

- Sit down, Colin.
- Okay.

My father has gone
on a very long trip.

- He has gone on a ghost mission.
- That's

That's weird.

He wanted to say goodbye
to you in person,

but he was too afraid
he might miss his ghost train.

Well, that's That's okay.

He also told me
that he cared for you very much.

So much so
that he wanted you to have this.

- What is it?
- No idea.

But he said you must keep that
somewhere safe,

somewhere locked up
where no one can get to it.

- Wh-why?
- Because he's going
to need it someday

when he comes back.

You really have an
amazing father, you know?

I do, Colin. I really do.

There's just some shit that
I need to sort out over here.

- [Colin mutters]
- [groans]

♪ I was born to haunt you

♪ Like a shadow from above

♪ I was born to haunt you

♪ Terrorize, terrorize you
through and through ♪

♪ Well, I was born
to haunt you ♪

♪ And you were born
to haunt me too ♪