All language subtitles for 1_what.we.do.in.the.shadows.s06e02.1080p.web.h264-lazycunts_English

[owl hooting]

[electricity crackles]

[Laszlo] To create new life
from dead human parts.

The brass ring
of all scientific pursuits.

I first tried building a man
to take my place

when I was drafted in to fight
your American Civil War.

Thing is,
I ended up going there myself.
Had a fantastic time.

Good food, good fellowship.

I restarted the project
several times over the years.

When I took up judo,

when my band needed a drummer,
and during the piggyback craze
of the 1980s.

But I never
damn well finished it.

Always set my sights
just too high.

But if repetition
is the father of progress,

then call me Big Papa.

So technically
that does rhyme with orange.

Ugh. Good gravy.
What smells so bad in here,
and can I please have some?

No, you may not.

This is a proprietary
amniotic bath of my own
invention for my new man.

I intend to reanimate
once dead human flesh
into my own modern Prometheus.

Like, uh, Dr. Frankenstein.

I don't know who that is.

Dr. Frankenstein from the book
and the countless movies.

No, I've never heard of him.
What I'm doing is
completely original.

I shall call him
Cravensworth's Monster, and he
shall be our new familiar.

Well, you know I love
a weekend build.
I can go get my Phillips-head.

Fantastic. As you can see,
all my heads are fucked.

If you can persuade your friend
Phillip to part with his,
then we're in business.

♪ Don't sing
If you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
For your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead
You'redead ♪

♪ You'redead
And out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
Is gone ♪

♪ You've sold out your dream
To the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead
Stay dead ♪

♪ You'redead
And out of this world ♪

I start a new job today.

Kind of a funny story, actually.

I'll make this quick,
'cause I'm running late.

So, I'm at Panera Bread.

I get this call
from this guy named Rob.
He's over at Cannon Capital.

Now, he's yelling profanity.

A lot of bad words about
his order that we got wrong.

I'm so sorry. Sam!

He's, like, a regular.
He always gets the same thing.

The Napa Almond Chicken sammie.

Sorry about the yelling.

[Guillermo]
He got the Green Goddess,
which are different sandwiches.

If you know, you know.

So I offer to correct it
and bring it down here myself.

I meet Lamar in the lobby,
he's from the mail room,

and we start chatting
and he asked me
if I graduated high school.

And I say, "Yeah."
And he says, "How much
do you make at Panera?"

And I tell him and he says,
"How'd you like to make
$3 more an hour?"

[chuckles] And I say, "What?"

And, well, fairy-tale ending,
I'm a finance guy now.

I mean, it's only the mail room,
but still.

It's a start.

No. No, no, you can't
come in with me. This is like
a job-job, like, a real job.

I'll just see you back home.

[phone rings]

Telephone!

Colin Robinson, come over here.
We have progress
I need you to observe. [laughs]

How do you do, sir?

- [screams]
- Shit!

Observe with your eyes,
not your hands, Colin Robinson.

- It's fine, I'll get it.
- I'll leave you to it.

Hello? No, Guillermo
does not live here anymore.
He lives in the shed.

Oh, you are Guillermo.
Guillermo, now is not
a good time.

Laszlo's new jack-off machine
has malfunctioned.

It's not a jack-off machine.

Why don't you call back
in a week? Thank you.

[Nadja] Ugh!
Who is cooking meat pies?

- Oh. Of course.
A jack-off machine.
- Yes.

- It's not a jack-off machine.
- It could be.

Why would I make myself
another jack-off machine

when I have a perfectly good one
I built 100 years ago?

Anyway, my darling,
I haven't got time to sit here
and shoot the shit with you.

Colin Robinson and I
are very busy.

Well, I don't want to
be here anyway. It stinks.

Ah! Hold that lift.

Keep up the good work, Jacob.

Colin Robinson, I need you
to check the electric current.

Uh, how do you
want me to do that?

[Laszlo]
Put your finger in the tank.

Do not put your whole hand
in there. Just your finger.

Okay.

[screams]

[groans]

Ha! Fantastic. [laughs]

Hey, I just wanna let you know
I'm borrowing your iron

'cause I wanna look sharp
for work tomorrow.

For my new job.

- You are not at Panera?
- No.

Cannon Capital Strategies.
We're a smallish
private equity firm.

It's pretty complicated stuff.

[yawns]

And your job there
is collecting irons?

No, I'm gonna go iron,
then I'm gonna go to bed because
I don't have time for this.

Nandor, Guillermo has
a big-time, big boy,
big-dick job.

I do not like this at all.

He will be amongst his own kind.
He'll be fine.

No, Nandor, he won't.
He has been here for 15 years
with the easy ride from us.

And now, when the pressure
gets too much for him,
who is he going to blame?

Us, for casting him
out of paradise.

A couple of years back,

I heard about a familiar
in Queens, retired from
the old vampire game.

- Hmm.
- Got herself a studio apartment.

She could not handle
the shock of returning to
the regular human world.

Two months later,
she comes back, kills all of
the vampires in her old house.

- [gasps]
- Guillermo's gonna kill us all.

Good golly, you'd think
a so-called man of science

would have a better way
of checking for
an electrical short. [chuckles]

- [electricity crackles]
- [Laszlo] Colin Robinson!

Well, back to the grindstone.
Coming! Coming!

Superstructure is sound,
bones are good,

and the nerves
are literally made of steel.

Yeah, but what about the head?
You kinda need a head.

- Goggles.
- Okay.

Don't you worry about
the head, me old fruit.
I've got a perfect one.

Our mule shall
have the visage of a prince.

- Oh, Rock Hudson.
- Rock Hudson, is that his name?

- Yeah.
- Rock Hard-son, more like.

That'd be great. Problem is, uh,
he's dead. Been dead for years.

- Really?
- [Colin] Yeah.

Do you know
if someone had the foresight
to have preserved his head?

- I doubt it.
- Barbarians.

That puts us on the back foot.
We need a hot head.

Yeah, from a cool dude.

He doesn't have to be cool.
The head is purely decorative.

Now, what's the most
expedient way of examining
a wide variety of heads

before selecting one
for removal and transplant?

I'm actually certified
for all the rideshare services.

I mean, you talk about a quick
and easy energy drain.
This is the job.

And you swear
this is the best way
to find a usable human head?

Mmm. There he is.
I like his smile.

- Hi. For Doug?
- You got it.

- Hop in.
- Oh, man. [sighs]

Oh, I-I didn't order
a-a group ride.

I don't love his ears.

All right. You heard the fella.
Hit the bricks, Doug.

- What?
- Fuck the fuck off.

Get away from the car.

I do have feelings,
believe it or not.
I-I get lonely.

Would you say
you're kind of an emotional guy?

Hey. [grunts]

The problem with
making new friends is that 99%
of people are insipid cretins.

Hi. For Cecil?

What the fuck's in his mouth?

- Adult braces.
- No.

Seriously?

But if I could literally make
a new friend from scratch...

Do you cry at Good Will Hunting

Hmm, no.

Okay. Get the fuck out.

How do you like them apples?

Call me a softy,
but that's what I'm looking for

in a head that's gonna be
severed off and attached

to a body
made up of cadaver parts.

Your pack.

Good sir.

Nancy. [whispers]
How did you get in here?
This is a place of business.

You're gonna get me fired.
Get out.

[Jordan] Hey, team. Will you
bring it in for a sec here?

You may have noticed, uh,
some cameras roaming around.

I'd like everybody
to ignore them.

These guys are making
a documentary about
innovations in global finance,

and guess who makes
the perfect subject?

Say it with me.

[all] Cannon Capital Strategies.

So, please, at least try
to look like you're busy, okay?

- I'm looking at you, Jimmy.
[laughs]
- [Jimmy laughs]

[Jordan] One of
the most interesting things
about Cannon Capital is,

even though we're located here
in Manhattan,

we're best known for our work in
China and Japan and South Korea.

And so to do business
in those time zones,
we have to work nights...

[chuckling] ...which makes for
some pretty weird hours.

Uh, but if you wanna compete
in the Asia markets,

you've got to work Asia hours,
and we do.

[Colin laughs] That sounds fun.

Yeah.
And it's not just the music.
Latin jazz has a whole culture.

The musicians, they always
greet each other with hugs

and sometimes they come hug
the audience members.

There's no such thing
as an Irish goodbye
at a Latin jazz club.

- [Colin laughs]
- Pull over.

Yeah, he's friendly.

I'd say
he's a tasty bit of eye candy.

I like that he's outgoing
and easy to talk to.

It doesn't matter about that.
He's just a donkey.

- Well.
- I'm not wild about
his infatuation

with Latin jazz, but I can find
that area of the brain
and just eliminate it.

- How do you do that?
- Just get an ice pick
and wiggle it about.

Hmm.

Let's get home. Hello.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill,
can I have a word?

Did you fix the flat?

Well, Bill, it's a good-news,
bad-news situation.

The good news is,
you don't have to pay
for the ride.

Okay. What's the bad news?

[saw whirring]

Oh, hey. Uh, I can
actually take Jordan's mail.

- Oh, okay.
- I'm his assistant, Wendy.
[chuckles]

Oh, hey, Wendy. I'm Guillermo.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

- You know,
I started in the mail room too.
- Oh, really?

[Nadja] Guillermo must excel
at this new job

because if it doesn't go
as smoothly as he hopes,

that little bouncing bitch
will blame us for his failings,

and then he will kill us.

After that, it was
just knowing what Jordan wants

before he knows what he wants,
so... [laughs]

Wow, that's pretty good advice.

[Nadja]
Someone needed to take action,

and that someone,
as usual, is me.

I was kind of an assistant
myself for a little bit.

I mean, not for a little bit.
For a while. But, you know,
it's always weird to like...

Wow, she is quick. [chuckles]

Also, I needed a new project.

And now I get to try out
my regular human behavior.

[clears throat]
Since switching to medium roast,
I'm sleepin' so much better.

Uncanny!

Wendy took off again.

So, it would be great
if I could get you
to hop on to Jordan's desk.

Wow. Really?

So, it turns out that
the finance world is
a lot easier than Panera Bread.

I guess the powers that be
heard that I was absolutely
crushing it... [laughs]

...in the mail room,
and now I'm an assistant.

Since the time of
the great philosophers,

man has dreamed of bringing life
to a lifeless vessel.

- Spitting in
the face of his creator...
- [spits] Mm-hmm.

- ...thus becoming
a creator himself.
- [Colin] Mm-hmm.

Which brings me to alchemy.

Yeah, yeah.
[stammers] Just flip the switch.

[groans]

- [thunderclap]
- [grunts]

[yells]

- [Laszlo] Here. Oh.
- [growls]

He's just a little excited.

Pain too much. Kill me.

Flip the switch!

Don't be hasty.
Let's hear him out.

Flip the fucking switch,
Colin Robinson!

Huh? I... It's hard to hear
with everything going.

- Do you want me to flip the...
- [choking]

[Laszlo] Yeah!

Oh.

Sorry, I couldn't...
I just couldn't hear.

That was amazing.
Moving around and everything.

Now I remember
why I've abandoned this project.

The sudden jolt
of total consciousness
is too much,

even for the dullest of brutes.

And the creature's response
to such a sensory overload
is violence.

Pity.

W-What are you...
No, Laszlo, don't.

This is not a conversation,
Colin Robinson.

This creature will destroy us,
so we must destroy it first.

Sometimes a scientist
must admit defeat.
Them's are the breaks.

Uh, what else? We got
Adrian Bellamy from the Essex
Fund coming in later today.

You ready to reel in
that whale, Ryan?

- You know it, baby.
- You set 'em up,
I knock 'em down.

- [imitates gun firing]
- [imitates gun firing]

[Jordan] Here's the deal with
Bellamy. He's very particular.

- [Ryan] Copy.
- I want everybody in this room

to be on their A game.

- Of course.
- Yeah.

If we do not want Guillermo
to crack,

then his progress
in the human world
must be monitored.

So someone
needed to take action.

And as usual,
that someone is me.

So, let's just show him
a lot of attention.

You got it.

I have to... I have to go.
Sorry. Excuse me.

[stammers] Doesn't matter.

[whispers] Nandor, what the hell
are you doing here?

I am patrolling for spills.
Such is my janitorial duty.

[whispers] This is my life
and my job. You can't be here.

But I am an employee
of Cannon Capital now,
which makes us coworkers.

Excuse me.

[chuckles] You know,
the only time I set the bar
as low as you, Gary,

is for limbo. [laughs]

- You kill me.
- [Gary laughs]

Mmm. Mama's go-go juice.
[laughing]

[Nandor] Nadja?

- Oh, shit.
- You're here too.

[whispers] Someone needed
to keep a close eye on you.

Yes, that was my thinking also.

What a merry mix-up.

Spill o'clock. Excuse me.

So you could pick
any job, Nandor,
and you went with janitor.

Yes. What's wrong with that?

There are many things
I've learned as a janitor
at Cannon Capital.

[Nandor] The key to
making money on Wall Street
is to keep a tidy office.

Nobody wants cold coffees
on their desk,

so empty them
while they're still hot.

There's nothing wrong
with being a janitor.

- I get to wander
the corridors freely.
- [Nadja groans]

Everyone loves greeting Jan-Dee.

I'm gonna ask you both...
No, I'm gonna tell you.

Go back to Staten Island
because I just recently got
a big promotion

and I can't have you two
messing it up.

Hmm. I wonder how you got
that big promotion.

Straight from the mail room
to Jordan's desk

just because Wendy
stopped showing up.

Huh.

Make no mistake, Guillermo.

Without me,
you are the cow that carries
the corpses to the burn pit.

With me, you are the prize pig
who gets to eat with the mayor

and his big-titted wife.
[hisses]

Yes. And I have also helped
with Guillermo's ascension.

No, you haven't.
You clean up shit.

- And piss.
- [whispers] Enough.

All right? Enough.
Just leave me alone.

I don't need your help
to succeed. Leave me alone.

- Ungrateful.
- Hey. [stammers]

He is clearly flailing.
We need to keep coming here.

Yes, he needs us now
more than ever.

[Colin] I couldn't stop thinking
about the Monster.

Laszlo was a little too quick
to give up on him.

So I decided to take matters
into my own hands.

You'll get what I mean
by that joke in a second.

It's really good.
Yeah, just wait.

I've been doing
some independent research,
and I've come to the realization

that the Monster's acting up
and smashing things

is a result of
a faulty body part,

namely, his hand... his hands.

Now you know what I-I meant
earlier in my interview

when I said "into my own hands."

Uh, the joke I had made.

This guy was
a recreational baseball player.

One home run,
two doubles and a walk.

What the fuck are you doing?

Just give me a chance.
All right?

That thing is far too dangerous.

It's not perfect, but I can
train him. I know I can.

I've learned
so much about science
just hanging around you.

Another young scientist
inspired.

First, Mr. Oppenheimer,

and now Colin Robinson.

Exactly. I just...
I need a little more time.

If it's time you want,
then time you shall have.

- [sighs]
- [Laszlo chuckles]

I fear this damn fool
doesn't understand
the dangers or the risks.

But every scientist has gotta
learn each lesson for himself.

If he's not careful,
I fear this whole thing
could turn into a Monster Mash

or worse still,
a graveyard smash.

- [elevator bell dings]
- [clears throat]

Welcome, Mr. Bellamy.

- Hey. Uh...
- Oh.

Never mind the cameras.

We're just getting some
behind-the-scenes videotape
for Herb Allen

for his next conference
in the Sun Valley.

Cathy, my love,
could you plop Mr. Bellamy
in Conference Room A, please?

- Sure.
- Thank you very much.

Very good. Plop we go.
[chuckles]

[counting in foreign language]

Ry-Dog,
where the hell have you been?
Bellamy's here already, man.

These fucking fobs.

Hey, Bryce. Wanna pause
the sudoku and get on this shit?

I'm sorry.

Untwist your knickers, my love.

Bellamy is on 25,
Conference Room B.

- Go up. Hurry. Shoo.
- Uh... Yep.

You can do this, Ry-Dog.
I believe in you.

[chuckles] This little bitch.

[Nadja clears throat]

[whispers] Stop touching things.

Adrian Bellamy, aka the whale.

You have five minutes
to learn everything about him

and then meet him
in Conference Room A.

[whispers] Don't fuck it up.

- [whispers] Bellamy. Seriously?
- [Nadja] Huh.

Wait. No. I need that.

Take two.

[grunting]

Nice and easy. Easy-breezy.

You know,
having a secret handshake
with a close buddy

has always been a dream of mine.

There, there. All right.

- [grunts]
- No.

- Ow. Ow.
- [bone cracking]

- Ow. Ow! [grunts]
- [grunting]

[screams]

[crashing]

Don't worry. It... It hurts
worse than it looks. [chuckles]

- [grunting]
- Gotta get back on
the horse though.

Giddyap. Whew. Yeehaw!

Hook 'em Horns. Take three.

- [grunts, growls]
- [screams]

Mr. Bellamy. I'm sorry.
Have you been waiting long?

I am so sorry about that.

Let me, uh...
Let me refresh your drink here.

Don't know what's taking Ryan
so long. I'm sure
he'll be here any minute.

Yeah, I love to get hydrated
at work,

especially if I'm gonna
get sloshed tonight...

[chuckles] ...at, uh, Zero Bond.

You club?

Yeah. Yeah, I love to club.

You can learn a lot
from someone's Instagram.

Like Mr. Bellamy,
he loves partying at Zero Bond.

If I'm not clubbing, I'm here.

If I'm here, I'm not clubbing.
So I'd rather be clubbing.
[chuckles]

[Guillermo] Loves commenting on
supermodels' posts.

- Total smoke show.
- Oh, yeah.

- And she's got the... [swallows]
- Yes, sir.

Loves the clean lines
of the new Rivian.

[both laughing]

Oh, and he also,
uh, tags his ex-wife
in all his kids' pictures

because, you know,
they're on good terms.

That's nice.

Next month, you, me
and a clay court in Montauk.

You got it. Oh.

Adrian. Hi.
How we doing in here?

Good. Excited to see
what you got for me.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

He's gonna be
in the meeting, yeah?

- Well, I--
- Need at least one guy

who knows what the fuck
he's talking about.

[laughing]

All right, whatever you say.

- [Bellamy] Good.
- You're in.

- [Bellamy] Oh, good.
- [Jordan] Sure.

She said, "That's why you're not
allowed in the sauna anymore."

[both laughing]

- [Jordan]
Good to have you down here, man.
- Absolutely.

I'm gonna give you
a call tomorrow to follow up.
It's been a real pleasure.

- Sounds good. G-Man.
- Boom.

We gotta get you
out to the island too.

- [Bellamy] Good.
- What was your name again?

- Guillermo.
- Guillermo.

Well,
congratulations, Guillermo.
You've just replaced Ryan.

You're an analyst, bud.
The fuck is he anyway?

Hey, Ryan.
Where the fuck are you?

Have you guys seen Ryan?
The fuck is that guy, right?

I'm sure he's over here, bud.

Oh.

- [Jordan] What the--
- Oh, hey, guys.
Sorry, Ryan here is, um...

Yeah, he's-he's been going hard
on the Adderall for a while now.

Hey, you can't use this.
All right?

You do not have my permission
to use this footage.

Delete the file
if you're watching this.

- Ryan. Hey.
Wake up, bro. Come on.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Jordan, say no more.
- Huh?

I will take care of this.
I'm on it.
I will get rid of Ryan.

Oh, great.
Let him down easy, all right?

He's getting married
in a couple months.

I will do this now.
Not your problem.

Okay. Well, thanks. I like you.

- [Nadja laughs]
- [laughs] Yeah.

[Nadja] Oh.

What's not to like? [chuckles]

[whispers] Are you kidding me?

Come on.

Do you know
how hard it is to get blood
off of unsealed marble?

I'm not hearing the words,
um, "Thank you."

I told you I don't need
your help, all right?

I wanna earn my way
up the ladder.

So, I killed some rando
with an overpriced MBA
so you could get in the room.

Which I didn't ask you to do.
I didn't ask you to do that.

But you were the one
that impressed
the rich large whale, huh?

And Jordan noticed.

- That's kind of true.
- See?

Yeah, I was pretty annoyed
at first that Nadja

and Nandor completely ignored me
and came back to Cannon...

It's better.

...but I decided to
let them stay if they promise
no more funny business.

[chuckles] Like murder.

Bye-bye, Ryan.

Going back into the human world
can be so overwhelming.

So many things to get used to.

And it's kind of nice to see
a familiar face. [chuckles]

Familiar. [chuckles]

"Welcome to the big show."
Ed Sullivan.

I think you will be
pleasantly surprised
by how far the Monster has come.

Uh, Monster, can I have you
come out here, please?

Oh, let's get ready to see what
the, uh, Monster can do now!

Fantastic. Monster,
can we have a, uh, friendly
introduction out of you?

Friend. Friend. Friend.

- Employer, but very close.
- [growls]

Oh, I'd never say I'm on par
with Laszlo as a scientist.

But I-I do think
I have one quality
that the old pistol lacks,

which is patience.

[Latin jazz playing]

[Colin] So, I just
took some time and met
the Monster where he was at.

- Come on, buddy.
- [grunts]

You know, turn down the volume
and listen to his tempo,

which happens to be
a Latin jazz rhythm.

- That is a book.
- Book.

That is a magnifying glass.

Magnify. [grunts]

- Uh, doodad.
- Doodad. [grunts]

Jar of brains
or bull's testicles.

- [grunting]
- That's just a light.

- You gotta
let them learn by doing.
- Light.

- Huh?
- That is a Tesla coil.

[groans]

Don't. Yeah. Don't.

Some people say
I'm an acquired taste,
and, I don't know,

maybe the Monster
just needed someone
to know that he is too.

- Good job. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

- And now on to
the pièce de résistance.
- [music stops]

I believe that
with time and care,

I have removed
the Monster's impulse to harm.

Observe.

Hmm. Now we're getting serious.

The Monster will now delicately
hold this mouse gently

in his hand
without crushing him.

Protection over pain.

That's a remarkable start,
Colin Robinson.

I'll admit I was skeptical,

but you've turned
this experiment
from shit to champagne

and yourself into
a man of science.

With our combined efforts,
we can take this Monster
to the top.

So, we can keep him?

- Oh, yes.
- Oh. Awesome sauce.

Great work, fellas. Well done.

Oh, don't you do that. [laughs]

I bid you gents good evening.
[chuckles]

Good night.

- You did great. [chuckles]
- [muffled] Mmm, did great.

- [grunting]
- Oh, what's in your mouth?
Oh, no.

No, Monster. Out.

Ew. Well, it's okay.
Even monsters make mistakes...

No, Monster. Leave it.

- Monster, leave it. Ugh.
- [crunching]

Screw it. Monster can have
a mouse as a treat,

but we're not making
a habit of it.

[Latin jazz playing]

[music continues]

[music continues]