All language subtitles for 1_what.we.do.in.the.shadows.s06e01.1080p.web.h264-lazycunts_English

I say, I was just thinking--

"I'’ll alert the media."
Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981.

- Shut the fuck up,
Colin Robinson.
- Thank you, my darling.

I was just thinking, now
that Gizmo is no longer with us,

perhaps we could repurpose
that space under the stairs
that he used to live in.

- So mean!
- What?

You know that it
gives Nandor the pip

when he hears about
his old bouncing little buddy.

I don'’t even know
what you guys are talking about.

- Guillermo.
- Who?

The servant boy who used
to live in the rathole
under the stairs.

I remember it was
the perfect place for me
to store my precious volumes.

I think you will find, Laszlo,
that before Guillermo
lived here,

I would use that space
for my "calistheneticals."

No, I think you'’ll find
I grabbed that space
as soon as we moved in.

- [groans]
- Do you know who would remember?

Who?

- Jerry. [chuckles]
- Yes.

- Jerry. Yeah.
- Jerry.

- [Laszlo] Yes.
- Good old Jerry.

- Jerry would
remember everything.
- Yes.

Sorry. Who'’s Jerry?

Jerry was our fifth roommate
back in the old days.

Jerry'’s a good guy.
Solid vampire.

[Nadja] Jerry was a real leader.

- A man with a plan.
- [Laszlo] Yep.

Or rather,
a vampire with a plan-pire.

I mean, the man is all vampire,
no bullshit.

Even his name:
"Jerry the Vampire."

No frills, no chills.
No "Blah, blah,
blah the Relentless"

or "Vlad the Whatever."

"Jerry the Vampire." Bam!
Thank you, mister.

Jerry and I used
to have these really long talks,

and he'’d actually listen to me.

He might have been
the only person in this house
that actually liked me.

That'’s true.

- Jerry the Vampire.
We hardly knew ye.
- Jerry.

Whatever happened to Jerry?

[chuckles]

- Oh, my goodness.
- Bollocks.

- [Nandor] Shit. Shit. Fuck.
- [Colin] What?

[Nandor] I hope Jerry is okay.

[Nadja] This is a real mess-up!

Sometimes a vampire will decide
to go into a super slumber.

[Nadja]
Where they will stay sleeping
for decades and decades.

- Awakening only when their f--
- Their fellow vampires
wake them up.

We, um, forgot to wake Jerry up
from his super slumber. Oops.

Which is an easy thing to forget

because we had a lot going on.

We did. So much.

And also,
because Jerry had requested to
be woken up on New Year'’s Eve.

New Year'’s Eve, 1996.

Right.

This one'’s on us.

["You'’re Dead" playing]

♪ Don'’t sing
If you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
For your song ♪

♪ You'’re dead
You'’re dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You'’re dead
And out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope
And compassion is gone ♪

♪ You'’ve sold out your dream
To the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead
Stay dead ♪

♪ You'’re dead
And out of this world ♪

[Nandor] Does anyone remember
where Jerry'’s super-slumber
coffin is?

[Nadja] Jerry?

[Nandor] Shh.
Don'’t scream his name like that.

We must find his coffin
and wake him gently.

- [Nadja] Jerry?
- [Nandor] Guys, guys, guys.

- Here he is. It'’s Jerry.
- [Laszlo] Oh, gosh.

Jerry? Oh, Jerry?

- [Nadja] Oh! Oh, my dark lord.
- [Laszlo] No, no, no.

What have we done? [retches]

Jerry seems to have broken up
into seven or eight pieces
that smell like old meat.

- Hold on. This isn'’t Jerry.
- [Nadja] What?

These are leftover body parts
from a scientific experiment

I abandoned decades ago.

Couldn'’t be fucked,
so I just left it all.

To create life.
To use science itself--

chemical galvanism,
electrobiology,
etcetera, etcetera--

to reanimate dead tissue.

Now, whomever
unlocks that mystery,
is not a man, but a god.

Like Frankenstein.

- Who?
- Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.

Never heard of him.

Right.

Maybe you will be the head
that controls the creature

that the world will hail
as Cravensworth'’s new man.

Laszlo, shut the fuck up
and come and help them
lift this coffin lid.

Sorry, my darling.

[hisses, yawns]

- Hi.
- Hey, guys.

Wow, that was a long one. Happy
New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.

- Finally.
- So fun.
You'’re all looking well.

- Nandor, my good man.
- Hi, Jerry.

Hello. Nadja, as
beautiful as ever.

Jerry, you'’re still buttering me
up like the old days.

Yes. Dr. Cravensworth,
I presume.

- You presume correctly.
Good to see you.
- Good to see you.

Hey, Jer-bear.

- There you are, old chap.
- Hey.

Good to see you as well.

So, how did it go?

Uh, how did what go?

Conquering the New World.

I would have given anything
to have been there for it,

- but I really needed
that super slumber.
- I bet.

So, did you end up conquering
just the United States

or did you end up deciding

that the New World
means Canada and Mexico as well?

[Jerry] So you let me sleep
for 50 years instead of 20.

During which time,
you conquered your street?

- Yes.
- And part of--

- Part of Ashley Street.
- [Jerry] Right.

- Actually, most of
Ashley Street. So...
- [Nandor] Yes.

- Look at this.
- Yeah.

Again, you'’ve showed me
whatever this thing is

where you can have a television
in your pocket.

No, I know. But you asked
what you'’ve missed
over the last 50 years.

So, I just thought
you should see this.

What is this supposed to be?

Well, it'’s a bit
of a brain teaser.

Does the dress look white and
gold or black and blue to you?

Okay. Stop. But the
fact that vampires exist,

that'’s still a secret, right?

Humans don'’t know about that.

Yes, totally. Got no idea.

Yes, we lurk in the darkness
concealing our own grim majesty

from prying human eyes.

And those who are too curious--

well, they'’ll spend
their last moments ruing the day

they poked their noses
in where they weren'’t belonging.

- What he said.
- [Jerry] Right.

But then, why is there
a human camera crew
here filming everything?

Oh, them. [chuckles] No. You
don'’t need to worry about them

because, Jerry,
they'’re cool. So...

Yes, very cool.

Do you even know who they'’re
going to show all this to?

[Nadja, Laszlo] Um...

- You gotta hear this.
- ["We Didn'’t Start the Fire"
playing]

What? What is this?

It'’s a pretty comprehensive list
of the things you'’ve missed.

Yep. Maybe I could listen
to this later, Carl.

- Colin.
- Isn'’t that what I said?

No, you said Carl.

South Pacific,
Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.

I was around for all of this.
Maybe we could fast-forward?

Well, it stops in 1988 around
the rock and roller Cola Wars.

- The what?
- Rock and roller Cola Wars!

Okay. Not now, guy.
Can somebody just please tell me

what is our current
dark purpose,

and why are we letting
these humans know about it?

Um... [stammers]

- Yes?
- Sit down.

[Nandor] Never mind.

Jerry has been asking
a lot of questions lately

about things I haven'’t
thought about in a long while.

Things that make you go,
"Hmm" so to speak.

Yes. Hmm.

- [Nadja] Come on. In here.
- [Nandor] Sure of it? Yep.

Okay. Sorry, I just need
a private moment with Nandor.
So... [chuckles]

- [Nandor] What?
- [Nadja] Just wait a second.

Okay.
Why do we allow a camera crew

to document our every moves?

But who would not want to
document the lives of
three exalted vampires?

And also Colin Robinson.

Obviously. But
why do we allow it?

[Nandor] Hmm.

- Right?
- You know who would remember?

Guillermo would remember.

- Then we must go
and talk to Guillermo.
- No, we can'’t do that.

No, no, no, he
has a new life now.

He has a new home.
He has a new job.

Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.

[Nandor sighs] Fine.

[clears throat] Hello.
We are going to visit Guillermo
in his new home.

This way. You may not
like where he lives now.

[scoffs] I do not like
where any human lives.

There is always a sink
and a couch and a drawer
full of spoons. [scoffs]

Well, you know,
I actually helped Guillermo
to find his new home.

Well, because he was looking
for his independence,

and I kind of felt I owed him.

It'’s okay to admit that you
just miss him a little bit.

Please, Nadja. Familiars,
they come, and they go.

You know, you
cannot get too attached.

Most of them are killed
in the line of duty anyways.

That'’s just the circle of life.
And here we are.

What? I thought
he had his own apartment.

Well, he does
in Laszlo'’s old garden shed
where he used to jack off.

Let'’s see if he's in.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

[Guillermo] Who is it?

Hi, guys.

So, yeah, I moved into
Laszlo'’s garden shed.

There'’s a smell.
Mildewy? I wanna say.

And there was some really big
stains that I couldn'’t identify.

I was gonna get my
own place eventually,

but I looked around
for a while and realized
I cannot afford anything.

So, when Nandor offered
that I could stay here
for 350 a week, I said yes.

Sign me up.

So, Guillermo,
how long have you lived here?

- Months.
- Months?

- Yeah.
- Has it been that long?

- Yeah.
- [Nandor] This is
actually the first time

- I'’ve seen Guillermo
since he left. So...
- Bullshit.

Actually, no, he'’s
telling the truth.

We'’ve maintained really good
boundaries about not seeing
each other

till I get my life together.

And where do you make toilet?

Hmm? Uh, I'’m always at work,

so I just save it
till I'’m at work.

Work. And how is
your new career going?

I work at a restaurant.

Panera Bread?

- Yeah. How did you guess?
- Just--

- Even when you go pee-pee?
- Pardon me?

You even save up your pee-pee
for when you go to work?

And how is your
new master at Panera?

My boss? Actually,
he'’s good. He's--

Guillermo, what is this bucket?

You know what? It'’s getting
late, and I have to be up early.

So, I think probably just--

Guillermo, this bucket
smells like pee-pee.

I was wondering
what the smell was that was
here when I got here months ago.

- So that'’s what that was.
- The point is this,

Jerry has inquired
as to why we allow
the documentary crew to film us.

- Wait. Who'’s Jerry?
- Never mind.
Doesn'’t matter who Jerry is.

You miss a
little, you miss a lot.

- Shall we?
- Yes. And I'’m taking
this bucket with me.

No, wait. Why?

Why not? [chuckles]

[Nandor] See you in
another month or two, Guillermo.

[Laszlo] Man, human form!
[Nadja] Well, look who it is!

- [Laszlo] Hello, my darling.
- [Jerry] Hi.

[Nadja] Yes. That'’s my love.

[Laszlo] Jerry and
I'’ve just had a feed.

I had to warn him
about the modern roads

with the steel horses
with their rubber feet.

Again, I know
what a fucking car is.
I wasn'’t asleep that long.

- Laszlo, you sly dog.
- [Laszlo] What--

You.

Congratulations, my friend.

- I thought you said
you didn'’t finish him.
- Finish what?

Your monster--
made of cadaver parts
and reanimated to give it life.

Jerry, that is Guillermo.

Did you see? He looked
when you said his name.

No, uh, he'’s human.

A human amongst us?

- Yes.
- I'’ll handle this.

- [Nandor] No. Uh, Jerry.
- [Nadja] No.

Jerry, no, no.
This is Guillermo.

He'’s okay. He's our familiar.

Ah. Okay. Apologies.

Familiar, go fetch my coffin
from the basement.

Uh, the thing is, Jerry,
he'’s not our familiar anymore.

Okay. Why does he
still live here?

- Good question.
- It'’s a long story.

- Yeah. Look at this.
- Don'’t.

Fine, but if someone asks you

why Michael Dukakis
was riding on a tank,

you'’re not gonna
know what to say.
You'’re gonna look dumb, Jerry.

It'’s pretty good.

So you haven'’t managed
to reanimate dead flesh
to create new life?

- Not yet, no.
- But that was your whole thing.

If you haven'’t been working on
that, what have you been doing?

- Tending my vulva garden.
- [Jerry] Indeed.

Uh, Nandor, can I see you
for a moment inside?

Certainly, Jerry. This way.

He seems nice.

[Nandor]
I turned Guillermo into a human,
which was a hassle,

- but for the best...
- Yeah. Yeah.
Hold on just a second.

- Yeah?
- Are you okay, man?

Me, Jerry? I'’m
great. Why do you ask?

It'’s just-- The old Nandor,
the Nandor I knew
before I went to sleep?

- That'’s me.
- Is it though?

You were Nandor the
fucking Relentless,

a killer of men,
a conqueror of continents.

- Yes.
- Where the fuck is that guy?

Very good questions, Jerry.

The fuck happened around here?

Well, I'’m going to turn in
before the sun comes up.

- Get back on a normal schedule.
- [Nadja] Good night, Jerry.

The fuck is that?

That is my dolly.

She contains the ghost
of my dead human form

from before I became
a vampire, you know.

Right. Cool.

- Anyways...
- Good night, Jerry.

- Good night, Kyle.
- Colin.

I hadn'’t finished speaking. Uh.

Good night, Kyle-in.

- [Laszlo] Good to
have you back, old chap.
- [Jerry] Good to be back.

And good to see
you two getting along again.

What'’s he talking
about, my darling?

When I went under,
you two weren'’t speaking at all.

You hadn'’t spoken
in five or six years.

Really? I think I'’d remember
something like that.

Um. Me too.

Maybe it was a
different Laszlo and Nadja.

It was a long time ago, I guess.

Literally 50 years ago,
which, again, was not the plan.

Colin Robinson, do you remember
a time when me and Laszlo

had such a big argument
that we didn'’t speak
for about five years?

- Yeah.
- Well, what was it about?

It couldn'’t have been that bad.
I'’m sure it's water
under the bridge now.

You wanted to go
out and get a real job

because of your morbid
fascination with regular folks.

- Right.
- And Laszlo forbade it.

- He said it was too
"dangerous-uh"...
- [Laszlo] Yeah.

...for you to be out on your own
without his protection
or some bullshit.

You longhead
streak of British piss!

Who are you to say
that I need your protection?

If I want to go out
mingling amongst the humans,

I am perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.

- I forbid it.
- Well, you know what?
You can get fucked.

How dare you talk to me like
that with that salty tongue?

- Why do you bring it up?
- What about me?

Can'’t you see I'm dealing
with my own stuff over here?

Jerry was one of the only
real friends that I ever had.

At least I thought he was.

It'’s pretty obvious,
though, that the guy
doesn'’t remember me.

[Nandor] Jerry is
right, of course.

What have I become?

My own familiar humiliates me
and what do I do?

Murder him? Nah, I
become his landlord.

Where did I lose my way?

[Laszlo] Jerry'’s
right, of course.

I staked my entire reputation

on being a man of science.

A man to create
life from dead tissue.

And what did I do?

I let a couple of setbacks
shake my confidence

and spent the last 50 years
pulling my pud. [sighs]

Who the hell is
Laszlo to forbid anything?

Think of what I
could have become

if I had learned the ways
of the humans 50 years ago.

That'’s right, girl.
Don'’t let these motherfuckers
hold you back.

Yes. Exactly.

Truth.

A lot of bad feelings
in the house right now,

which would ordinarily be a
feast for an energy vampire.

But it'’s too much of a good
thing and it'’s starting to show.

I'’m not even trying to feast
on all the negative energy,

but it keeps soaking in

and I'’ll be damned if it
doesn'’t go straight to my hips.

Guillermo, do you think
you might respect me more
if I had killed you?

What? No.

I think that was
a very nice thing you did.

Not killing me.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Formerly known as
Nandor the Relentless,

now known as Nandor
the kind-of-nice guy.

Gizmo, I want you
to have my scientific devices.

I won'’t be needing them anymore.
I do not deserve them.

My bone saw, all yours.
Stethoscope, you can have that.

- Whatever you like.
- What if I killed you now?

Do you think that would
make a difference?
The moment has passed.

You sure you wanna get rid of
this? Looks pretty expensive.

Well, that there
is my anal speculum.

It'’s tarnished from
years of use, but you'’re
more than welcome to it.

Guillermo, I need you to do me
a favor and please tell
the pompous trout

with a woman'’s haircut,
also known as Laszlo,

that he needs to move his coffin
from our bedroom

to the couch in the library.

- But he'’s right there.
- Gizmo, would you please
tell my wife

if she wishes
to kick a man while he'’s down,

to do so in writing?

[Guillermo]
What is going on with you guys?

- Oh, hey. Yes.
- Guillermo. Colin Robinson.

I used to live in the house
right over there with you.

Colin, I know who you are.

At least somebody does.

Okay, this is not
my place, not my job,

but clearly something'’s wrong.

And I think we can
all agree what that is.

That I have
become a total pussy?

- That I am a total failure?
- That Laszlo is a total failure?

- That my pants
don'’t fit anymore?
- [Guillermo] No.

I was gonna say it'’s Jerry.

- What? Jerry.
He just tells it like it is!
- Such a great guy.

I know, I'’m sure
Jerry is a great,

- fantastic guy...
- He is.

...but, you know,
something happens
when you add a new person

into a group of friends.

It throws off the dynamic.

But you were the new person.

- Hang on. He was never a friend.
- Okay, that'’s harsh,

but I made it work because
I did whatever it took to make
all of you happy.

I mean, I ate your
shit over and over.

I mean, until I basically
had no life of my own.

Okay, is this
your sneaky, slimy,

little way of letting us know
that you want to move back
into the house with us

- and start working for us again?
- We accept.

- No. No, absolutely not.
- [Nandor] I was just joking,
you know,

because we'’re doing
just fine without you.

Great. The point is, I'’m sure
Jerry was a great friend, right?

- Such a great guy.
- You had a great time with him,

but it'’s just not
working anymore.

And you all need
to be honest with yourself
and with him.

- He'’s right.
- Thank you.

Guillermo,
can you please tell the man
who just said "he'’s right"

that I
reluctantly agree with him?

Okay, Guillermo is
right. We will fix.

- Great.
- Great.

- I'’ll see you out.
Thanks for coming.
- Guillermo?

- Yes? Uh-huh?
- One more thing.

Will you help us fix this?

What part of "I don'’t work
for you" don'’t you understand?

Okay, fine.
Not as a former familiar or as
a preeminent former shit-eater

of Staten Island,
but as a former friend.

Yeah.

Look, we all know this is
gonna be a hard conversation
to have, right?

- Yes.
- Okay. So who'’s gonna
do the talking?

- As leader of this group...
- You'’re not the leader
of the group.

- ...I shall do it.
- Well, I don'’t disagree
with that.

Guillermo,
could you please tell Laszlo
that it is not ever his right

- to say what people
can and cannot do?
- [horn beeps]

Guys, can you just
step back a little bit?
I'’m trying to turn around.

- Okay, so what are you
going to say?
- I will say,

"Jerry, old friend, we love you
and we have love for you,

but it'’s just not working out."

That'’s great so far.
Okay, and then what?

These two will hold him down,

and I'’m gonna drive this stake
through his heart.

What? No.

Or I could just
chop his head off.

- No.
- [Laszlo] Douse him
with this holy water.

- [Guillermo] No.
- If he tries making a run
for it, I got this bad boy.

What makes you think
that you need to kill him?

- It was your idea.
- [Guillermo] No, it wasn'’t.

There are other ways
of ending a relationship

than killing the other person.

- Name one.
- [coffin door opens]

- [Nandor] Shit.
- [yawns] Hey, guys. What'’s up?

What? Did you let me sleep
for another 50 years?

What year is it?

- Kidding, kidding.
- Jerry, old friend.

- Nandor.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

[clears throat] We love you
and we have love for you.

But it'’s just--

The thing is, you mean so
much to us. You'’re such a-- No.

Sorry, Jerry. We forgot
to tell you that you'’re
such a big part of this family.

And there'’s something
that they all discovered

while you were asleep
for 50 years and they
forgot to tell you.

- No.
- Tell me.

Well, no, I forgot it was my job
and I dropped the ball.

- I forgot to tell you.
- Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup.

It'’s just that-- See,
Jerry, it'’s-- Sorry.

I heard that you were the brains
behind the whole taking over
America plan.

Yeah. Guilty.

He'’s gonna like what
we have to show him.

So why don'’t you come on out
and we will show you--

- He'’s running!
- No, he'’s not, Colin.

Oh, gosh! It went right through
my foot in my orthopedic shoe.

- [Jerry] You had a crossbow.
- [Colin] Ooh, that hurts.

[Guillermo] So,
what do you think?

Am I supposed to F him or--
You know, what'’s the plan here?

I mean, you can if you want,
but no, that'’s not why
I brought him here.

Well, why did
you bring him here?

PS, I probably will F him
but more out of boredom
than anything else.

Such as the plight of The Guide.

Okay. No, I brought him here
because he'’s everything

you'’ve been waiting
your entire life for.

He wants to take
over the New World.

- It can'’t be true.
- It is.

Could he be the chosen one

who will finally
make our conquest a reality?

Yep.

You know, I once thought Nandor
was the chosen one.

- Or Nadja and then Laszlo
and never Colin.
- Never.

I just said those guys
are kind of not self-starters.

- That'’s true.
- Uh, Lieutenant. [clears throat]

Oh, you can just
call me The Guide.

You'’ll answer to "Lieutenant,"
and you'’ll like it.

You'’ll find I'm a bit of a
stickler for a chain of command.

- I like him very much.
- Told you.

Yes, sir. Lieutenant
at your service, sir.

Now, is this
the most current map of
the continental United States?

- [Guillermo] No.
- No, it is not, sir.

Also, I see that I missed
a vampire infiltrating

the highest ranks of
the US government a heartbeat
away from the presidency.

Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig.

Get me everything
you have on this guy.

We haven'’t had a vampire
so close to the throne

of human power
since McNamara in '’61.

Pulling those
documents now, sir.

[Nandor] And so
we are of one mind.

Therefore, we shall meet here
for at least three hours
every night

and conceive a plan--

the complete and total
vampire subjugation
of all humans.

- Hear! Hear!
- Absolutely. Let'’s do this.

Yes.

- Can I get a beep-beep?
- [horn beeps]

Conquering the New World
is indeed job number one.

It is of the utmost importance.

But is it as
important as creating life?

I'’m still a little mad at Laszlo
for being a little pussy bitch,

threatened and scared
because I wanted to learn
the ways of the humans.

But now, it is all about just me
going out there

and getting some and then
getting a little piece more.

- Hmm?
- What about conquering
the New World?

You know, yes, conquering
the New World or nothing.

Very important to me.
Gonna get to it soon.

Now let the conquest
of the New World commence.

House meeting. House meeting.

Hello? Guys?

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪

[Jerry] Pull me
everything you'’ve got

- on foreign debt...
- All right.

- ...homeless vets...
- Yes.

- ...AIDS, crack...
- Uh-huh.

- Yes, sir. Okay.
- ...and Bernie Goetz.

Also any relevant documents
concerning the rock and roller
Cola Wars.

- Yes, here'’s a rock
and roller Cola "scroll."
- Ah, perfect.

♪ Rock and roller, cola wars
I can'’t take it anymore ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ But when we are gone
It will still burn on ♪

♪ And on, and on
And on, and on, and on
And on, and on ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ No, we didn'’t light it
But we tried to fight it ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪

♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪