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1
00:00:06,065 --> 00:00:08,090
♪
2
00:00:09,826 --> 00:00:11,093
[exclaims]
3
00:00:16,091 --> 00:00:18,225
[school bell rings]
4
00:00:24,933 --> 00:00:26,984
♪
5
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,029
[bicycle bell ringing]
6
00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:33,240
[tires screech]
7
00:00:45,771 --> 00:00:48,789
Okay, ladies, let's all
take out this month's book,
8
00:00:48,865 --> 00:00:50,107
then open it, close it
9
00:00:50,109 --> 00:00:52,109
and break out the wine.
10
00:00:52,111 --> 00:00:54,553
[uncertain noises]
11
00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:56,889
You're supposed to say "Woo."
[chuckles]
12
00:00:56,965 --> 00:00:59,950
Luann, we're not
feeling very "woo."
13
00:00:59,952 --> 00:01:02,803
What we're feeling is woo-ried.
14
00:01:02,805 --> 00:01:04,805
-Mm-hmm.
-This is an intervention.
15
00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:06,807
I don't have a problem
with drinking.
16
00:01:06,883 --> 00:01:08,125
It's not the wine.
17
00:01:08,127 --> 00:01:10,903
Luann, you have an addiction
to wine merch.
18
00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:13,847
[sighs] And we say this
out of love,
19
00:01:13,849 --> 00:01:14,907
it's super annoying.
20
00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:17,117
[murmuring agreement]
21
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,638
But it's such a fun way of
telling the world I like wine.
22
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,975
"Mom Fuel,"
that "corks are for quitters."
23
00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:26,109
"Wine is the answer,
24
00:01:26,145 --> 00:01:27,586
what was the question?"
[laughs]
25
00:01:27,737 --> 00:01:31,815
The question is do you want
to live your life like this?
26
00:01:31,817 --> 00:01:35,243
Oh! And I suppose all your
throw pillows just say nothing.
27
00:01:35,321 --> 00:01:38,079
Anyway, it's not like
it's hurting anyone.
28
00:01:38,157 --> 00:01:39,765
Isn't it?
29
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,749
I'm the closing manager
at Mom Goods.
30
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:45,771
I was injured when you got into
a fight with another customer
31
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,106
over an apron that says
32
00:01:47,182 --> 00:01:49,833
"This is my wine bib."
33
00:01:49,835 --> 00:01:50,925
[ashamed groan]
34
00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:53,595
Luann, we're here for you.
35
00:01:53,672 --> 00:01:56,931
B-But being a funny wine mom
is my thing.
36
00:01:57,009 --> 00:02:00,844
I have absolutely nothing else
in my life.
37
00:02:00,846 --> 00:02:02,012
-[crying]
-[sighs]
38
00:02:02,014 --> 00:02:03,847
You like coffee, right?
39
00:02:03,849 --> 00:02:06,941
What if your new personality
was coffee?
40
00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:08,794
Coffee merch
doesn't get me there.
41
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:09,795
Chocolate?
42
00:02:09,946 --> 00:02:11,872
"It's chocolate o'clock
somewhere"?
43
00:02:11,874 --> 00:02:13,799
That makes no sense, Bernice.
44
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,801
How about "proud slut"?
45
00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,027
Hmm...
46
00:02:17,029 --> 00:02:18,044
mm...
47
00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:19,954
I love it!
48
00:02:19,956 --> 00:02:22,975
And here is
your very first merch.
49
00:02:24,127 --> 00:02:25,886
[cheering and laughing]
50
00:02:25,962 --> 00:02:27,037
[whooping]
51
00:02:27,055 --> 00:02:29,130
Goodbye, Malibu Stacy.
52
00:02:29,132 --> 00:02:30,965
Good luck, Malibu Stacy.
53
00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:32,876
Miss you already.
54
00:02:32,878 --> 00:02:35,562
Goodbye, all you think piece-
inspiring Malibu Stacys.
55
00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:37,898
I'm going to the real world
to find a little girl
56
00:02:37,974 --> 00:02:40,050
who loves me the most.
57
00:02:40,052 --> 00:02:44,888
♪ Closer I am to fine, yeah ♪
58
00:02:44,907 --> 00:02:46,072
♪ Closer I am-- ♪
59
00:02:46,074 --> 00:02:47,815
[birds singing]
60
00:02:47,893 --> 00:02:49,251
-♪
-[children gasp, murmur]
61
00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:54,989
[gasps] I knew
this day would co--
62
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,917
And you're not here for me.
63
00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:58,218
Hi, Shauna!
64
00:02:59,087 --> 00:03:01,905
Um, who are you, freak?
65
00:03:01,924 --> 00:03:03,924
Besides a freaky freak,
you freak.
66
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,834
I'm Malibu Stacy,
your Malibu Stacy.
67
00:03:06,912 --> 00:03:08,595
I came here
from Malibu Stacy Land
68
00:03:08,672 --> 00:03:11,765
because a real girl who
plays with me needs my help.
69
00:03:11,841 --> 00:03:13,025
And that's you, Shauna.
70
00:03:13,176 --> 00:03:15,843
You still play with dolls?
71
00:03:15,921 --> 00:03:17,103
[scoffs] No.
72
00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:18,939
It's okay to be complicated.
73
00:03:19,015 --> 00:03:22,092
As women, we can
encompass multitudes.
74
00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:23,851
Encompass my fist!
75
00:03:23,929 --> 00:03:24,928
[Stacy screams]
76
00:03:24,947 --> 00:03:26,096
-[grunts]
-Yeah, get her!
77
00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,615
Get out of here
and leave me alone, loser.
78
00:03:28,692 --> 00:03:30,951
I'm so sorry.
Meet me at home after school.
79
00:03:30,953 --> 00:03:33,787
We'll have a tea party.
I love you so much.
80
00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:35,881
[grunts] You're not fighting me.
81
00:03:35,958 --> 00:03:39,009
You're fighting your fears
of growing up.
82
00:03:43,873 --> 00:03:45,015
-[grunts]
-[pops]
83
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,229
[screams]
84
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,898
[yawning]
85
00:03:52,975 --> 00:03:54,958
All right, good night, Nelly.
86
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,793
Mama, could you tell me a story?
87
00:03:56,795 --> 00:03:59,905
How about one from the Kingdom
of the Classy Ladies?
88
00:03:59,982 --> 00:04:01,648
[chuckling] Another one?
89
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,577
Ah, please, I never get
tired of their adventures.
90
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,990
Well, once upon a time,
there was a beautiful princess
91
00:04:10,142 --> 00:04:11,583
named Muntzeena.
92
00:04:11,660 --> 00:04:15,754
Oh, and she loved to dance
with all of her friends
93
00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:18,924
atop the glittery stage of...
94
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:20,984
[Nelson]
Lord Tracksuit's Manor!
95
00:04:20,986 --> 00:04:22,669
[Mrs. Muntz]
One fine eve,
96
00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:25,597
a party of knights
of the Order of the Bachelor
97
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,825
from the Valley of Silicon
were there,
98
00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:30,918
tossing much gold.
99
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:31,995
Did they bring
a wizard with them
100
00:04:31,997 --> 00:04:33,680
who could control the weather?
101
00:04:33,832 --> 00:04:34,848
Oh, they sure did.
102
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:38,852
And boy, oh, boy,
did he make it rain.
103
00:04:38,928 --> 00:04:40,595
But treachery was in the air.
104
00:04:40,672 --> 00:04:44,024
As the evil Princess Rylee
with two Es
105
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:48,011
stepped onto the stage,
bidding the troubadour play
106
00:04:48,013 --> 00:04:51,105
"Poureth Some Sugar Unto Me."
107
00:04:51,183 --> 00:04:54,017
But that's Princess Muntzeena's
frolicking ditty.
108
00:04:54,019 --> 00:04:57,020
-Rylee stole it!
-Indeed.
109
00:04:57,022 --> 00:04:59,080
And filled with righteous fury,
110
00:04:59,115 --> 00:05:02,801
Muntzeena removed
her magical Lucite heel
111
00:05:02,952 --> 00:05:05,862
and chucked it at Rylee's
stupid face.
112
00:05:05,864 --> 00:05:08,122
Oh, Princess Muntzeena
didn't get
113
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,050
docked two weeks' pay
again, did she?
114
00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:13,795
No. Because the keeper
of the door,
115
00:05:13,872 --> 00:05:15,814
Sir Gordo of the Latin Kings,
116
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:16,890
is fair and wise
117
00:05:16,966 --> 00:05:18,683
and kind of into older broads.
118
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,062
So he banished Princess Rylee
to the shift of the morn,
119
00:05:22,064 --> 00:05:24,064
when all the princes
are sleeping off
120
00:05:24,216 --> 00:05:25,657
last night's potions.
121
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:28,902
[Nelson]
Then King Nelson came in,
stole all the ducats
122
00:05:28,978 --> 00:05:31,979
and treated Muntzeena to lunch
at Krusty Burger.
123
00:05:32,057 --> 00:05:34,816
Oh, my hero.
124
00:05:34,893 --> 00:05:36,984
No, Mom, you're mine.
125
00:05:37,062 --> 00:05:38,820
Ah, shut up.
126
00:05:38,897 --> 00:05:40,213
[both grunt affectionately]
127
00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:45,660
Fun fact about Jennifer Garner,
Marge:
128
00:05:45,662 --> 00:05:47,587
She'll take a night at home
with the kids
129
00:05:47,664 --> 00:05:50,015
over a Hollywood premiere
any day of the week.
130
00:05:50,092 --> 00:05:52,926
I told you that!
131
00:05:52,928 --> 00:05:54,836
Oh, I forgot the tampons.
132
00:05:54,913 --> 00:05:56,021
Can you go grab a box?
133
00:05:56,098 --> 00:05:59,933
Shh, the checkout stranger
can hear.
134
00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:01,601
They don't care what you buy.
135
00:06:01,678 --> 00:06:04,154
Just get the tampons.
We're in a hurry.
136
00:06:05,924 --> 00:06:08,942
That's a happy graduation card.
137
00:06:09,018 --> 00:06:12,095
Oh, it's not those things?
138
00:06:12,097 --> 00:06:13,947
I guess I'm bad at shopping.
139
00:06:14,099 --> 00:06:16,950
So you'll have to go get
those things.
140
00:06:17,026 --> 00:06:18,860
[groans] Fine.
141
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,045
Stop right there, Marge.
142
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,880
Don't play dumb, Homer.
143
00:06:21,957 --> 00:06:24,107
Do you even realize
all the embarrassing stuff
144
00:06:24,109 --> 00:06:26,259
your wife buys for you?
145
00:06:27,629 --> 00:06:30,889
♪ Incompetent husband,
you weak little punk ♪
146
00:06:30,966 --> 00:06:32,632
♪ Your selfless wife
buys creams ♪
147
00:06:32,634 --> 00:06:34,393
♪ To soothe the rash
on your junk ♪
148
00:06:34,469 --> 00:06:37,712
♪ Incompetent husband,
just be a grown man ♪
149
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,899
♪ She didn't flinch when she
bought you an XL bedpan ♪
150
00:06:40,976 --> 00:06:42,959
♪ You weren't even injured ♪
151
00:06:42,961 --> 00:06:44,644
♪ You weren't even sick ♪
152
00:06:44,796 --> 00:06:47,814
♪ Just too drunk
to make it to the can ♪
153
00:06:47,816 --> 00:06:49,056
♪ To the can, to the can ♪
154
00:06:49,134 --> 00:06:50,909
♪ To the can, can, can... ♪
155
00:06:50,986 --> 00:06:53,912
Stop shaming me
in front of Hans Moleman.
156
00:06:53,989 --> 00:06:55,822
Oh, we're just getting started.
157
00:06:55,974 --> 00:06:57,582
♪ Your fungus has infections ♪
158
00:06:57,659 --> 00:06:58,917
♪ Your infections
have the runs ♪
159
00:06:58,994 --> 00:07:00,585
♪ Gassy nipples, crotch foot ♪
160
00:07:00,662 --> 00:07:02,754
♪ Massive hemorrhoids
on your buns ♪
161
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,982
♪ You said they don't remember
or care what we buy ♪
162
00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:07,592
♪ It's a little disconcerting ♪
163
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,744
♪ But I'm glad
they're on my side ♪
164
00:07:10,747 --> 00:07:11,988
♪ She gets you meds
for blood pressure ♪
165
00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:13,748
♪ Cholesterol and gout ♪
166
00:07:13,825 --> 00:07:16,918
♪ I want to get the tampons,
but I can't figure it out ♪
167
00:07:16,995 --> 00:07:18,920
♪ Yes, you can,
yes, you can ♪
168
00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:20,087
♪ Yes, you can, can, can ♪
169
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:23,191
♪ She texted you
a photo of the brand ♪
170
00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:29,597
♪ Incompetent husband,
we're so on to you ♪
171
00:07:29,599 --> 00:07:33,935
♪ You're only bad at doing
things you don't want to do ♪
172
00:07:34,012 --> 00:07:36,846
♪ You can't be this stupid ♪
173
00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:39,774
♪ It's all just a ruse... ♪
174
00:07:39,851 --> 00:07:42,944
Okay, okay, I'll do it!
I'll buy my wife tampons!
175
00:07:43,021 --> 00:07:44,612
Just tell me where they are.
176
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:49,759
♪ Incompetent husband,
aisle two. ♪
177
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,458
Breaking news.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
178
00:07:57,460 --> 00:07:58,459
A ship carrying America's
entire supply of cigarettes
179
00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:00,962
has become lodged
in the Panama Canal.
180
00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:03,890
R, D, R, D, R, D.
181
00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:06,801
[horns blaring]
182
00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:08,970
Do you think
the honking is helping?
183
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,563
'Cause I don't!
184
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,216
Experts say the cigarette
shortage could mean months
185
00:08:13,218 --> 00:08:16,903
before are restocked
and lungs re-blackened.
186
00:08:18,147 --> 00:08:22,817
Mm. I hope we have enough smokes
to last until this is over.
187
00:08:22,819 --> 00:08:23,910
I'm sure we'll be okay
188
00:08:23,912 --> 00:08:26,062
if we just pool
all our cigarettes.
189
00:08:26,064 --> 00:08:28,173
You know, share.
190
00:08:29,084 --> 00:08:30,842
Yeah. Share.
191
00:08:30,919 --> 00:08:32,969
Share the cigarettes.
192
00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:36,072
Thing is, I don't have any.
193
00:08:36,074 --> 00:08:38,058
Yeah, me neither.
194
00:08:44,766 --> 00:08:46,066
[Patty and Selma growl]
195
00:08:47,085 --> 00:08:49,194
[both grunting]
196
00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:55,075
Liar!
197
00:08:56,778 --> 00:08:58,078
Busted!
198
00:08:58,855 --> 00:09:00,080
Addict!
199
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,166
J'accuse!
200
00:09:04,786 --> 00:09:07,087
J'accuse you!
201
00:09:09,941 --> 00:09:10,940
-Aha!
-Aha!
202
00:09:10,942 --> 00:09:13,093
[coughing, sputtering]
203
00:09:14,796 --> 00:09:16,888
[coughing]
204
00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:19,724
-[beeping]
-[coughing]
205
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,883
Oh, hey there, handsome.
What's your name?
206
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,810
Dr. Julius Hibbert.
207
00:09:30,887 --> 00:09:32,219
No, it's not.
208
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:35,890
Ugh. Remember, tonight we're
roleplaying as strangers,
209
00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:37,683
meeting for
a tawdry one-night stand
210
00:09:37,761 --> 00:09:41,971
that my therapist says will
reinvigorate our marriage.
211
00:09:41,973 --> 00:09:43,990
I'm a man of science,
not improv.
212
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,975
Mm. Hmph.
213
00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:48,812
Okay, okay, I'll give it a try.
214
00:09:48,814 --> 00:09:49,754
[clears throat]
215
00:09:50,816 --> 00:09:52,315
Hello, stranger.
216
00:09:52,317 --> 00:09:55,910
Got any sexually-transmitted
diseases I should know about?
217
00:09:55,987 --> 00:09:59,823
Ugh. My name is Laverne McCray.
218
00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:00,990
I'm a lingerie model.
219
00:10:00,992 --> 00:10:02,767
Well, we have that in common.
220
00:10:02,919 --> 00:10:04,919
You're a lingerie model?
221
00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:08,832
No, um, my name is also
Laverne McCray.
222
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:12,001
I-I mean Maverne MacDoolittle?
223
00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:14,854
-Uh, I'm a doc--
-[grumbles]
224
00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:16,840
Documentarian.
225
00:10:16,842 --> 00:10:18,933
Of motorcycles.
Which I race.
226
00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:20,677
For, uh, pleasure.
227
00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:24,105
Oh, Maverne, you're just
full of surprises.
228
00:10:24,182 --> 00:10:25,940
Help! This man is choking!
229
00:10:26,017 --> 00:10:28,852
Is anyone here a doctor?
230
00:10:28,854 --> 00:10:30,611
Me, I'm a...
231
00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:33,706
Uh, I'm a-hoping you find
a doctor before it's too late.
232
00:10:33,783 --> 00:10:36,951
You want me to let a man die
to give our marriage a boost?
233
00:10:37,028 --> 00:10:38,786
It would be a start.
234
00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:41,122
Oh, my God, he's turning blue.
235
00:10:41,199 --> 00:10:43,867
I can help.
I-I'm a French neurosurgeon.
236
00:10:43,885 --> 00:10:45,718
No, he's not.
We're just roleplaying.
237
00:10:45,871 --> 00:10:48,980
You said if I stayed
in character, we could have sex.
238
00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:50,874
I took an oath, woman.
239
00:10:50,892 --> 00:10:52,800
I deserve passion!
240
00:10:52,802 --> 00:10:53,893
A sad scene.
241
00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:55,987
Remember, if you're
going to role-play,
242
00:10:56,064 --> 00:10:57,563
play it safe.
243
00:10:57,716 --> 00:10:58,823
This has been a message from
244
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,660
the President's Council
on Marital Role-play,
245
00:11:01,811 --> 00:11:03,662
which does not exist
because I'm only pretending
246
00:11:03,738 --> 00:11:06,998
to be a spokesperson
to turn on the men in this bar.
247
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,817
Role-play, baby. I dig it.
248
00:11:09,819 --> 00:11:11,836
Fireman Stu is hot for you.
249
00:11:11,913 --> 00:11:14,839
I caught one.
250
00:11:14,916 --> 00:11:16,508
We caught you, Luigi.
251
00:11:16,584 --> 00:11:20,586
You've been smuggling diamonds
inside your four-cheese gnocchi.
252
00:11:20,663 --> 00:11:25,058
Being caught with loaded
gnocchi is no "gn-jokey."
253
00:11:25,927 --> 00:11:27,852
I want-a my mamma!
254
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:30,763
Eh, what you
should want is a lawyer.
255
00:11:30,765 --> 00:11:33,674
How's about-a both?
256
00:11:33,676 --> 00:11:37,529
♪ She was making antipasto
with a chop, chop, chop-a ♪
257
00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,847
♪ When her baby boy was taken
by the cop, cop, cop-a ♪
258
00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:42,759
♪ With-a-out her son, she knew
her heart would-a stop-a ♪
259
00:11:42,761 --> 00:11:46,955
♪ Life had given her
a sock in the jaw ♪
260
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,098
♪ So she headed up to Harvard ♪
261
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,783
♪ Where they have
a law school-a ♪
262
00:11:50,785 --> 00:11:52,026
♪ Her homespun wisdom made ♪
263
00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:53,044
♪ The stuffed shirts drool-a ♪
264
00:11:53,196 --> 00:11:54,879
♪ Well, she no speak-a so good ♪
265
00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:56,715
♪ But she's nobody's fool-a ♪
266
00:11:56,791 --> 00:11:57,882
♪ That's how she became ♪
267
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,968
♪ Mamma-at-law. ♪
268
00:12:02,948 --> 00:12:04,797
It's-a not-a
looking a-good, Mamma.
269
00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:06,099
They gonna
send-a me away forever.
270
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,062
Counselor Mamma,
your closing argument?
271
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,191
[clears throat]
272
00:12:20,966 --> 00:12:24,801
Don't you dare
take-a my sweet, sweet, sweet
273
00:12:24,803 --> 00:12:25,969
baby boy to jail.
274
00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:28,747
You want to kill an old woman?
275
00:12:28,823 --> 00:12:30,749
Uh, no?
276
00:12:30,825 --> 00:12:31,975
Aw, thank you.
277
00:12:31,977 --> 00:12:34,753
You too skinny. Have some ziti.
278
00:12:34,829 --> 00:12:37,981
We find the defendant
not guilty.
279
00:12:37,983 --> 00:12:39,924
[applause]
280
00:12:40,076 --> 00:12:42,652
[Mamma] Next week,
on the Mamma-At-Law...
281
00:12:42,654 --> 00:12:46,765
Civil forfeitures laws unfairly
discriminate against
282
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,825
low income communities.
283
00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:50,827
You too skinny!
284
00:12:50,829 --> 00:12:52,061
♪ Mamma-at-law. ♪
285
00:12:56,684 --> 00:13:00,528
["Serenade No. 13 for strings
in G major" by Mozart playing]
286
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:08,435
[Dora]
I believe every great dish
is born of dreams.
287
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,289
I'll often awaken
with a new creation
288
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,249
fully formed in my head.
289
00:13:14,536 --> 00:13:17,778
Every morning,
I go to the farmer's market
290
00:13:17,856 --> 00:13:19,297
to get inspired.
291
00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:22,467
Each ingredient
becomes a character
292
00:13:22,544 --> 00:13:24,451
in the story of lunch.
293
00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:27,788
Today's story is I have 14 bucks
294
00:13:27,866 --> 00:13:30,791
and 500 kids to feed.
295
00:13:30,869 --> 00:13:32,644
Salt.
296
00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:33,794
Fat.
297
00:13:33,872 --> 00:13:34,795
Acid.
298
00:13:34,873 --> 00:13:36,539
Heat.
299
00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:37,798
No, thanks.
300
00:13:37,876 --> 00:13:39,542
I've eaten in restaurants
all over the world,
301
00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:41,561
and Lunch Lady Dora's
doing things
302
00:13:41,563 --> 00:13:44,730
I never thought
were possible... or legal.
303
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:46,491
Someone needs to stop her.
304
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:47,659
Maybe the government?
305
00:13:49,478 --> 00:13:52,388
[Dora]
When I present my food,
306
00:13:52,390 --> 00:13:54,499
I want it to evoke an emotion.
307
00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:56,751
-Panic.
-Ah!
308
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:04,592
["The Four Seasons: Summer"
by Antonio Vivaldi]
309
00:14:11,426 --> 00:14:14,668
[Dora]
If I wasn't a cook,
I'd probably be a painter
310
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:15,761
or a novelist.
311
00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:17,430
Some other job where I could
312
00:14:17,582 --> 00:14:19,649
drink vodka from a mug
and knock off by 2:00.
313
00:14:26,682 --> 00:14:29,492
♪
314
00:14:32,688 --> 00:14:35,356
Narnia.
315
00:14:35,358 --> 00:14:37,600
All hail!
Our queen has returned!
316
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:40,453
Woodland friends,
it is good to see you.
317
00:14:40,605 --> 00:14:43,623
How has the kingdom fared
in my absence?
318
00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:45,383
The realm is troubled, milady,
319
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,368
and your wisdom
is much required.
320
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,612
By royal decree, we command
321
00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:52,539
that the roads
of our kingdom be improved
322
00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:54,708
so that all may benefit.
323
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,544
Whoa, who's gonna pay for that?
324
00:14:57,622 --> 00:14:59,546
Oh... hmm.
325
00:14:59,624 --> 00:15:00,714
Ooh, what about this?
326
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,625
For every spell cast,
327
00:15:02,644 --> 00:15:06,553
we impose a tariff
of one gold piece.
328
00:15:07,632 --> 00:15:11,634
You're aware that that
unfairly targets witches, right?
329
00:15:11,636 --> 00:15:14,487
This is why so many of us
are moving to other kingdoms.
330
00:15:14,639 --> 00:15:17,323
Well, you want
better roads, right?
331
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:21,494
And affordable housing?
So you can live closer to work?
332
00:15:21,496 --> 00:15:22,754
Yes, give it to us now.
333
00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:26,624
So, the money for all that
334
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:28,668
has to come from somewhere.
335
00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:30,486
That's the kingdom's job.
336
00:15:30,488 --> 00:15:33,765
What about
a property tax on moats?
337
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,582
Oh, yeah, soak the rich.
338
00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:37,602
That's your answer
to everything.
339
00:15:37,679 --> 00:15:39,662
Calm down, my good people.
340
00:15:39,681 --> 00:15:41,681
You hear that?
She called us people!
341
00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:43,590
That's racist!
342
00:15:43,668 --> 00:15:45,276
Death to the tyrant!
343
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,670
Sorry, people!
I mean subjects!
344
00:15:47,672 --> 00:15:49,522
I mean... citizens?
345
00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:50,281
[screams]
346
00:15:50,358 --> 00:15:52,617
Ugh. I can't even have fun
347
00:15:52,768 --> 00:15:54,702
in my dreams anymore.
348
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,687
So, hi.
349
00:16:04,689 --> 00:16:07,298
This is my first time
on one of these sites.
350
00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:09,525
I'm not really sure
how this works,
351
00:16:09,544 --> 00:16:13,362
but it's time to admit
that I'm lonely.
352
00:16:13,364 --> 00:16:15,531
Janice passed away
six months ago,
353
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:18,643
and I'm finally ready
to open my heart
354
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:20,461
to a new enemy.
355
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,723
We were at war for 50 years.
356
00:16:23,799 --> 00:16:26,467
Oh, God, what a nemesis she was.
357
00:16:26,469 --> 00:16:30,730
The most loathsome,
sorry excuse for a human being
358
00:16:30,806 --> 00:16:32,806
you ever met.
359
00:16:32,808 --> 00:16:34,475
May she burn in Hell.
360
00:16:34,477 --> 00:16:37,386
I know you're not supposed
to talk about your ex,
361
00:16:37,388 --> 00:16:40,439
but that relationship
is a part of me.
362
00:16:40,517 --> 00:16:44,651
Anyway, ever since
I spit on her ugly grave,
363
00:16:44,729 --> 00:16:46,395
I've been alone.
364
00:16:46,397 --> 00:16:48,898
I'm looking for someone
in my rage bracket.
365
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,324
I'm not young.
366
00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:51,584
I don't have time to waste
367
00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:54,420
exchanging
passive-aggressive emails,
368
00:16:54,497 --> 00:16:57,423
or shooting hostile stares
across a supermarket.
369
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,500
I'm looking for
a real commitment.
370
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,353
If you think that could be you,
reach out.
371
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:04,522
I just want
to make someone miserable
372
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:06,749
for the rest of
their worthless life.
373
00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:07,674
Hmph.
374
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,610
[chiming]
375
00:17:11,439 --> 00:17:15,441
[playing over radio]
♪ Jesus hates your Prius ♪
376
00:17:15,443 --> 00:17:19,495
♪ The Lord loves his V8 Ford ♪
377
00:17:20,356 --> 00:17:22,765
[klaxon blares over radio]
378
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,542
[announcer]
We interrupt this program
for an emergency broadcast.
379
00:17:24,619 --> 00:17:27,453
A massive tsunami
is headed for Springfield.
380
00:17:27,455 --> 00:17:29,455
-You have ten minutes
left to live...
-[gasps]
381
00:17:29,607 --> 00:17:32,533
...so if there's anything you
still need to do on this Earth,
382
00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:33,718
now is the time.
383
00:17:40,618 --> 00:17:41,650
Howdy, Helen.
384
00:17:41,652 --> 00:17:44,562
-Thought you didn't see--
-[grunts]
385
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,566
Oh, hey, there, Mrs. Lovej--
386
00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:51,644
Ooh!
387
00:17:51,646 --> 00:17:53,613
[train whistle blows]
388
00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:57,483
Helen, are you okay?
389
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,494
[panting]
390
00:18:05,827 --> 00:18:07,752
[panting]
391
00:18:10,573 --> 00:18:12,632
Did I do someth--
392
00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:16,652
[sighs] I can die now.
393
00:18:16,654 --> 00:18:18,654
[klaxon blares over radio]
394
00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:21,490
We have a clarification
to our previous warning.
395
00:18:21,492 --> 00:18:24,493
A tsunami of savings
is approaching Springfield
396
00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:27,496
at Costington's
Red Tag Clearance.
397
00:18:27,498 --> 00:18:29,482
All is well, and on sale.
398
00:18:30,518 --> 00:18:31,734
It's a great hobby.
399
00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:35,671
Very, uh, manly?
400
00:18:35,673 --> 00:18:36,839
I don't know...
401
00:18:36,841 --> 00:18:38,765
Thanks. Yeah.
402
00:18:38,843 --> 00:18:39,992
I enjoy it.
403
00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:46,682
[children laughing, chattering]
404
00:18:46,684 --> 00:18:49,352
Oh, Milhouse fell down.
405
00:18:49,354 --> 00:18:50,519
I think he's okay,
406
00:18:50,521 --> 00:18:52,463
but it looks like
the poor guy's about to...
407
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,690
[Milhouse wailing]
408
00:18:54,692 --> 00:18:57,593
Yes, sweet music to my wallet.
409
00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:02,623
Aw, I was so sure
it was gonna be Janey.
410
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:05,309
She's coming off
a two-sleepover weekend.
411
00:19:05,461 --> 00:19:07,645
Doesn't betting on bad things
happening to children
412
00:19:07,796 --> 00:19:10,373
feel just a bit wrong?
413
00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:12,391
I feel nothing,
and I'm fine with that.
414
00:19:12,468 --> 00:19:14,710
Someone just fell off
the monkey bars.
415
00:19:14,729 --> 00:19:16,395
[all gasp]
416
00:19:16,397 --> 00:19:17,713
Willie, we need
an ID on the faller.
417
00:19:17,732 --> 00:19:19,490
[Willie]
It's Sheri.
418
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:20,491
[groaning]
419
00:19:20,568 --> 00:19:22,385
Oh, yes! Yes!
420
00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:23,552
[Willie]
Correction,
421
00:19:23,554 --> 00:19:25,496
the faller is Teri.
422
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,390
Repeat, Teri.
423
00:19:27,408 --> 00:19:29,392
-[groaning]
-Come to papa.
424
00:19:29,394 --> 00:19:31,485
I-I can't be a part of this.
425
00:19:31,562 --> 00:19:32,578
[Willie]
Oy,
426
00:19:32,655 --> 00:19:35,489
shut up, you debt-ridden
chalk-sniffers.
427
00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:38,401
We have a middle finger
on the playground.
428
00:19:38,419 --> 00:19:39,493
Who flipped the bird?
429
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,587
Come on, weird
foreign exchange student.
430
00:19:41,589 --> 00:19:44,331
I cannot believe
I'm saying this.
431
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:47,760
The bird-flipper
is Lisa Simpson.
432
00:19:47,762 --> 00:19:49,428
[gasping]
433
00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:51,580
Impossible. What were the odds?
434
00:19:51,582 --> 00:19:52,765
500 to one.
435
00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:54,675
I'm so disappointed in you guys.
436
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:57,586
Or should I say, for you guys.
437
00:19:57,588 --> 00:19:58,738
Yoink.
438
00:20:00,591 --> 00:20:01,590
Nice work.
439
00:20:01,592 --> 00:20:04,593
Pleasure doing business
with you.
440
00:20:04,612 --> 00:20:06,621
♪
441
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,628
[bicycle bell rings]
442
00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:18,758
[bicycle bell rings]
443
00:20:19,794 --> 00:20:21,427
[rings]
444
00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:28,392
♪
445
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,636
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
446
00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:32,638
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
447
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,623
and TOYOTA.
448
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:36,609
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
449
00:20:40,180 --> 00:20:42,740
[narrator]
Every story needs a hero.
450
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,467
Every hero has a beginning.
451
00:20:44,485 --> 00:20:46,661
Witness the rise of a legend.
452
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,656
You know, that
Jake from State Farm
453
00:20:50,808 --> 00:20:52,641
kind of does it for me.
454
00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:54,660
You want to go upstairs?
455
00:20:54,812 --> 00:20:56,570
Yeah, all right.
456
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,506
♪
457
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,765
♪
458
00:21:29,438 --> 00:21:30,371
Shh!
30246
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