All language subtitles for How I Met Your Mother S05E03 Robin 101 (1080p x265 Joy)

OLDER TED: Kids, your uncle Barney
had been called

a lot of names over the years.

Jerk!

Bastard!

Barack Obama, Jr?

Mmm-hmm.

And, yes. We can.

But there's one name none of us
ever expected to hear him called.

Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend.

I've said it, like, 100 times.
It still sounds weird to say.

Well, anything sounds weird
if you say it 100 times.

Bowl.

Bowl.

Bowl.

- But other than that, things are good?
- Bowl.

- Bowl.
- I don't know.

- I think Barney's been single for too long.
- Bowl.

Like, the other night,
I wake up at 4:00 a. m...

(CLATTERING)

(GASPS)

Barney, are you awake?

Barney?

Barney. This is not a one-night stand.
We're dating. Come back to bed.

- Bowl. Bowl.
- That's happened three times.

And it's not just that, it's other things.

Hey. What's wrong?

It was just one thing after another
at work today,

and then I found out my aunt's
in the hospital.

I'm just...
I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just...

(SHUSHING)

What you need to do
is talk through this stuff.

Thanks.

And then,
once you're off the phone with Lily,

I'll be down in the bar
ready to have sex. Okay?

Bowl.

Look, I'm not the touchy-feeliest
person in the world, but,

a little more effort would be nice.

- Bowl. Bowl.
- I understand.

I guess, in a lot of ways,
Barney doesn't stack up.

- Bowl. Bowl.
- I mean, you've had some

pretty incredible boyfriends.

Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.

- No, that's not it. I don't know.
- Bowl. Bowl.

- Maybe he just doesn't have it in him.
- Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.

- Maybe this whole thing's a big mistake.
- Bowl.

Bowl?

- She really said that?
- And she meant it.

Trust me. I dated Robin for a year.
If you don't want to lose her,

you gotta try a little harder.

Be more attentive
to where she is emotionally.

You know, just be present.

Yes, totally. Yeah.
Only thing, and this is just me,

I like my testicles attached to my body,
rather than rolling around

next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.
Stinson out!

OLDER TED:
But then, a funny thing happened.

Over the next couple of weeks,
Barney was thoughtful,

considerate, sweet.

In short, the perfect boyfriend,
which, to Robin, meant only one thing.

- He's cheating on me.
- What?

Why else would he buy me flowers?
He's getting some on the side.

Come on, Robin.

Barney's not the type of guy who would...
Go on.

Plus, he keeps saying he's working late.

But when I call his office,
they say he left hours ago.

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

Yes. Proof. Good word.
I'm glad you brought that up.

Barney's briefcase.
He forgot it here this morning.

And what do you plan on doing with it?

We. We, you and I, are going to
open it up and look for evidence.

Ted probably has a sledgehammer
around here somewhere.

No! Stop! Stop! Eye contact. Listen to me.

Robin Scherbatsky is many things.
Friend, confidant,

occasional guest star
in some confusing dreams

that remind me
a woman's sexuality is a moving target.

But she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch.
Let go.

Hey, I've been down in the basement
storage area going through all the stuff

that Lily and I left behind
when we moved out. I'm sorry, Robin.

We should've cleared it out
for you much sooner.

There's a basement storage area?

You're not upset. Good.
Baby, guess what I found.

- That's great, honey.
- What the hell is that?

Marshall got it in college.
He used it as a nightstand for years.

Until we found out
that Lily was allergic to barrel resin.

- Barrel resin?
- Just go with it.

So, you need a hand throwing it out?

No, I'm not...
I'm not just going to throw her out, okay?

Mabel's like family.

So, what are you going to do with Mabel?

I want to give her away
to a lucky new owner.

- Do you know anyone?
- Yeah, let me think.

Do I know any rodeo clowns?

That's weird, I do.

But even Lenny wouldn't go
near that mess.

Well, he's not going to have the chance
because I am putting old Mabel

in the Bermuda Triangle.

OLDER TED: "The Bermuda Triangle"
was the name we'd given

years earlier to the curb
right in front of our building.

Whenever we wanted to give something
away, we'd put it right there.

It was uncanny.

This is so exciting.

Right now, there's someone out there
who has no idea

that tonight
they're going home with just...

Just the best barrel.

Well, let's just hope they're not allergic
to barrel resin like Lily here.

Be cool, baby. Damn.

- See you, sweetie. Good luck.
- Bye, babe.

- Now, can we please get out of here?
- Yeah. I'll grab my coat.

(GRUNTING)

Oops.

A college notebook?

Oh, my God, he's cheating on me
with some college girl.

I knew there was a skank,
but I thought she'd at least be dumb.

"Birthday, July 23.

"Favorite hockey team,
the Vancouver Canucks.

"Age 29, but tells people that she's 26."

Oh, my God, these are notes about me,
or some 29-year-old version of me.

(DOOR OPENS)

I hope I'm not too late!

I want to see the look of joy
on the new owner's face!

She's still there!

Okay, Mabel, let's find you a new home.

Here comes a guy!

And he...
He just walked, walked right on by it.

He's probably rushing home
to get a handcart or something.

Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal.

(LAUGHS)

What are you guys doing
with Barney's secret Robin notebook?

Let me rephrase that.

Did you two ladies lose some weight?

What do you know about this, Marshall?

Why would Barney have a notebook
full of information about me?

Well...

OLDER TED: The truth was

Barney was taking a night school class
taught by me.

Welcome to Robin 101.

Why is Ted teaching a class about me?

It all started a few weeks ago.

...rather than rolling around
next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.

Stinson out!

Stinson back in.

Say, hypothetically,
I did want to change who I am

to become a better boyfriend to Robin,
which I do not,

what kind of changes
are we talking about?

Why... There's just so much
you need to know about her.

Okay, for starters,
don't ever cry in front of her.

- Okay.
- And whatever you do,

don't cry in front of her four times.

Hey, guys. What you talking about?

- Fantasy football.
- Fantasy football.

They realized they couldn't talk about
this stuff at the bar,

and since you live with Ted,
they had to find someplace safe.

So, Ted's classroom.

"How To Date Robin Scherbatsky."
Lesson one.

Now, even though she puts up
a tough exterior,

- what Robin really wants, deep down...
- I'm bored.

You said you wanted my help.

Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?

- We did that already.
- No, like, really big boobs.

No. Look, I need this, too.
I've only been a professor a few weeks.

Being up here, it's...
It's good practice for me.

Can we have class outside?

No. What Robin really wants,
deep down is...

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

- Barney.
- What? I'm tweeting about you.

You should be flattered.

How do you spell "blah-blah-blah"?
"H's" or no?

Wow, you were just, like, the worst
student in the world, weren't you?

They said I had A-D... Something.
Can we have class outside?

Barney, I'm only gonna say this once,
so listen up.

I love you and I love Robin.
And I want to make this work.

So, if you give me
a few weeks of attention,

I could give you a lifetime of happiness.
Can you do that for me?

Do you think I should get Sports
Illustrated for 70% off the cover price?

Can we have class outside?

I gotta find a way to reach this kid.

"Class number two."

"Top 10 Robin Scherbatsky
Facial Expressions and Their Meaning."

Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale,
queasy expression, suggesting nausea.

- What do these mean?
- You guys just had sex?

(EX CLAIMING)

Wasn't me.

Dude! I worked really hard
on these slides, okay?

- Can we just...
- Okay.

This look is hunger.
If you ever see Robin looking like this,

get some food in her quick,
or one of two things will happen.

One. Weird, out-of-context laughter.

Or two. Spontaneously falling
asleep in strange places.

But the most important facial
expression of all?

That's a building.

Oh.

That's for my class.

The Flatiron Building. Fun story about it.

It was designed by
Chicago's Daniel Burnham

in the Beaux-Arts style.
This architectural gem...

- Dude!
- Right.

The most important
facial expression of all.

Whoa.

Flared nostril ridges.

Wide, unblinking eyes.

If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run.

And don't take a picture of it.
She will punch you.

And you will cry
for the third time that night.

Which brings us to an important point.

Defusing the bomb.

"Defusing the bomb"?
What does that even mean?

"Three Topics to Distract Robin
From Being Mad at You."

Distract me? That is so condescending.

These guys are really starting to
piss me off!

"Immediately switch the conversation
to one of the following,

"unless you want Robin
to start throwing her shoes."

(READING)

What? That's not distracting.

That's just talking about the story
of a scrappy little underdog team

that prevailed
despite very shaky goaltending

and, frankly,
the declining skills of Trevor Linden.

(READING)

You have to clean your gun.

My uncle had a filthy, old shotgun,

blew both his thumbs off
trying to shoot a beaver.

You... You want to distract someone,

make them watch my uncle
try to eat corn on the cob.

(READING)

Did you know that before intercourse,

the male and female emperor penguins
bow to each other?

"Mr. Penguin." "Mrs. Penguin."

Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy.

(LAUGHING)

What were we talking about?

Uh-oh, looks like we got a taker.

Come on, dude. You know you want to.

A guy like you, beard, no mustache.

You're exactly the kind of guy
who could use a sweet barrel.

Do it.

No. That's not a fire hydrant!

For shame, sir. For shame!

I bet you couldn't even grow
a mustache if you wanted to!

Neither can you, sweetie.

Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God!

Ted's only teaching Barney
horrible things about me.

I don't know. Check this out.
This is actually kind of sweet.

Now, we all know Robin's not
what you'd call "touchy-feely."

She doesn't say, "I love you,"
like a normal person.

Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head,

give you a little smile and say,
"You're an idiot."

- "You're an idiot"?
- Yup.

If she tells you you're an idiot,
you are a lucky man.

And if she does say, "I love you,"

she's already broken up with you
in her mind.

I think it's nice
that Ted knows you that well.

Yeah, well, too bad
it's next to a page entitled...

"Robin Scherbatsky's
Surprising Erogenous Zones."

Right knee. Ticklish.

Left knee.

Does lefty like that?

(MOANING)

Oh, yeah. Lefty like that.

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice
from Ted Mosby.

That's like taking fashion advice from...
Well, Ted Mosby.

Here's a good one.

"Top Five Things
Never to Do Around Robin."

(SCOFFS)

Three. Never, ever play
the "Guess Who" game with her.

What do you mean?

Guess who?

(YELLING)

(GROANING) It's me! It's me! It's me!

Number four. Unless you want to see it
80 times a day for the next month,

never show Robin a YouTube clip of an
animal playing a musical instrument.

Barney!

Do you have a problem with this class?

Yeah, it's boring as hell
and I'm not learning anything.

Well, maybe the problem is your attitude.
You're not listening to a word I say.

Uh-huh.

Can you hear this, Professor?
Or should I turn it up for you?

OLDER TED: It may not have been
a thumbs-up, kids.

So, you think
you're not learning anything, huh?

- Okay. Pop quiz.
- What...

When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind
of chocolate should you get her?

- Trick question. Get her butterscotch.
- Correct! Why?

Butterscotch is to Canadian women
what chocolate is to American women.

Correct! What is Robin's dream job?

To become the most successful
female TV journalist of all time.

Correct! And if she achieves that,
will she truly be happy?

No! Robin's deep-seated need
for attention can be traced back

to her father's emotional distance,

and no amount of success
will ever make up

for what she truly needs,
which is six simple words from her dad,

- "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"
- Yes!

(BOTH PANTING)

But I guess you're right.

You haven't learned anything.

Sorry to have wasted your time.

"O Captain! My Captain!"

- How good was Dead Poets Society?
- I know, right? The end? Tears.

Okay, can I just say
that my deepest need in life

is not to have my father say,
"I am proud of you, eh?"

- Then why are you crying right now?
- I'm not crying.

Sweetie. Can I get you some butterscotch?

No, stop it.

(BOTH SIGHING)

Wait a second. It says here that
the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday.

- So?
- That's right now.

Now, as you can see,
well over 50% of the blankets

have been dragged onto her side.
Make no mistake.

Robin Scherbatsky is a classic,
textbook cover hog.

(BLEEPING)

- Any questions?
- ROBIN: Yeah, I have one.

Yes, Robin?

(BOTH EX CLAIMING)

Flared nostril ridges.
Wide, unblinking eyes.

Uh-oh.

I got this.
So, emperor penguins. Crazy, huh?

What the hell
do you two think you're doing?

Marshall, did you sell us out?

I was vulnerable, okay.
I said goodbye to a very dear friend today.

Dude, it's a barrel!

Aw. You're giving Mabel away?

Okay, I have... I have so many questions.

Why would you do this?
What were you thinking?

Who the hell is that guy?

That's Shin-Ya.
He's sort of been auditing the class.

Auditing?

Well, I tried to explain to him
it wasn't a real class,

but I don't think he speaks much English.

On the bright side, he came in handy
standing in for you

during the role-playing exercises.

Wait. You did role-playing exercises
where I was played by Shin-Ya?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

You know, I can't believe you, Ted.

You actually think
you're some kind of an expert on me?

Hey! He is an expert. He's a great teacher!

- (CLEARING THROAT) Kiss ass.
- You know, half the stuff

in this notebook is patently wrong.

Really? Name one wrong thing.

"Robin Scherbatsky's
Surprising Erogenous Zones."

Let me clear something up for you, Ted.

Does lefty like that?

- Oh, yeah.
- All right.

- Don't want to leave out righty.
- Oh, no.

The right one's ticklish, I guess.

But the left one, yeah,
I'm glad you're back there.

Because that is just some
sweet, sweet loving.

Noted.

- That was a lie?
- We had just started dating.

I was being nice.

(BARNEY CHUCKLING)

And you. You know,

I got it into my head this week
that you were cheating on me.

I even broke open your briefcase
to look for evidence.

That is a huge violation of my privacy!

Go on.

You know, in a way, I was right.
You cheated.

You can't get some crib sheet
on dating me. That's not how it works.

If we can't figure out how to be
with each other in a real, honest way,

I don't see the point of even trying.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

- What do you want?
- Look.

All that stuff I told Barney,

it was personal between you and me.
I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm impressed
by how much you remembered.

It's funny.

When you date someone,
it's like you're taking one long course

in who that person is
and then when you break up,

all that stuff becomes useless.

It's the emotional equivalent
of an English degree.

I guess I just liked the idea
of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky

knowledge to good use, you know?

Well, since you know me pretty well,

am I fooling myself
with this whole Barney thing?

I don't know.

I will say this, though.

I've seen Barney work very hard
to get women.

I've seen him work very hard
to get rid of women.

I've never seen him work this hard
to keep one around.

I was going to give him an A.

Well, B+.
Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.

Hey. Before you say anything,

I am done with this
stupid Robin 101, okay?

Here, I'll get rid of the notebook.

But there's...

There's something that
I did want to say to you.

Robin, I have been with a lot of women.

Blondes, brunettes, redheads.

Big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs,

some boobs that were big,
but kind of in a bad way.

The point is... Boobs that pointed in
opposite... The point is...

I'm really scared
that you're going to dump me

and that's why I did this and I'm sorry.

You're an idiot.

- You know...
- Hmm?

That notebook does contain
a lot of personal info,

- and I think it has my home address.
- And your work address.

Whoa.

MARSHALL: Hey, guys! If you don't want
the barrel, can you sit somewhere else?

'Cause you're scaring away
potential takers.

Designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham
in the Beaux-Arts style,

this architectural gem was
the first of its kind...

- Professor Mosby?
- Yes, Susan?

That's a woman drinking beer
on the toilet.

Right. That...
That was Daniel Burnham's wife.

She was a troubled, troubled woman.
We are moving on.

ENGLISH - US - SDH