All language subtitles for Dear.Santa.2024 eng

I can'’t just
manifest a tree topper.

Okay. Okay. You don'’t need to
give every example of what you can'’t do.

Why is this
stuff so important?

Because!

It'’s been a hard year.

The move, a new school.

I mean, God, I just want
it to be special for Liam.

I get it. I just don'’t
know where the tree topper is, okay?

I can'’t magically make a
box with a-a star appear.

And for the tenth time, it'’s
not a star, it'’s an angel.

- Oh, an angel.
- Yes, it'’s an angel.

- Okay.
- And every year,

it sits on top of
the tree, okay?

And it looks down upon us
like it'’s a guardian angel.

- Oh. - A guardian angel.
- Yeah.

Well, maybe we need
a new one anyway.

The old one wasn'’t doing
that great of a job, was it?

Wow.

Okay, so it'’s just vanished.
It'’s completely gone.

Missing in action.

For once in your life,
can you just let it go?

- Yeah.
- For once?

- Can you do that?
- Yes, I can

when you admit that you screwed
up, okay? How about that?

Oh, I get it. As long as I take the
blame for every little thing that ha...

Hey, guys.

Wow! It looks amazing in here.

Thank you, honey. Thank you.

I was just looking
for...

for the tree topper
that your father lost,

and I just got a little bit - of tinsel in my eye.
- Unbelievable.

But I'’m not crying,
because everything is great.

We'’re gonna have a great
Christmas.

Tree toppers? Come on, Mom.

Christmas isn'’t about tree toppers and
ornaments and all that stupid stuff.

It'’s about togetherness
and music and...

Hey, guess what I
was doing upstairs.

What were you doing upstairs?

Writing my letter to Santa.

- Really? You were?
- Mm-hmm.

Letter to Santa?

Aren'’t you getting a
little too old for that?

Oh, no, no. What-What your dad
means is just that sometimes,

Santa is too busy responding to
letters from all of the little kids

that then he doesn'’t always have
the time to respond to the letters

from the big kids too.

No, that'’s not at
all what I meant.

Bill, just...

I'’ve always written
letters to Santa.

How else will he know
what I want for Christmas?

Exactly, honey.

I think it'’s
absolutely wonderful.

Not all of us are a scrooge.

No, I... I'’m not a scrooge.

I just...

Look, I know how hard it is
being the new kid in town.

And as it is, school presents challenges
for you because of your learning dis...

Differences.

Learning differences.

Right,
learning differences.

Which is good, but even more reason
not to write certain letters.

Because that way, when you go
to meet other sixth-graders

and try to make friends,

you won'’t get, uh...

beaten up.

What are you saying? I
have a friend... friends.

Really? Well, I
didn'’t know that.

Mom, I'’ve been at that school
for, like, three months.

Why wouldn'’t I have friends?

Just because of
social distancing.

Come on, Mom. That
ended two years ago.

And I do have friends.

My friend Gibby'’s about one of
the most popular kids in school.

We play football at recess
and everything.

Play football?

Yeah.

That'’s what I just said.

Nice.

Gibby!

Ow.

Gibby! Gibby!

I'’m so proud of you.

Why'’d you tell them
we play football?

We don'’t even have
a football team.

We'’re 11.

I didn'’t say we were on a team.
I just said we played at recess.

What kind of
football do we play?

Flag
football, I guess.

Plus, they'’re not gonna
waterboard us about this.

You don'’t know that.

Parents can be weird.
They like to know stuff.

What position
should I say I play?

You'’re the kicker.

Am I like the guy who
kicks it real high

or the guy who tries to get
the ball through the things?

The field goal kicker.

Okay, cool. You know the game,
so we won'’t get tripped up.

Oh, and one more thing.

I also told them
you have cancer.

What? Why?

My parents know I don'’t
make friends easily,

so to make it real,

I told them I was nice
to a kid with cancer

and he was nice to me back.

But we are friends.

Why'’d you have to
make anything up?

Hindsight
is twenty-twenty.

The point is, if
you meet my parents,

just make sure you
act a little cancer-y.

Will do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold your horses, hotshot.

What do you think you'’re doing?

Um, crossing the street?

I'’ll tell you when you
can cross the street.

But there are no cars.

When did you finish

your two-hour crossing
guard certification course?

I didn'’t.

Oh, that'’s right.

That was me.

So I'’ll tell you when
there are no cars.

Go. Go ahead.

Mr. "I'’m In A Hurry At First."

Where'’d he go? Bring him back.

- Good morning, ladies.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hello.

There she is.

Legit question.

Why are you staring at
someone you cannot get?

What, Emma? We have
a ton in common.

Like?

We both like cats.

That'’s a ton?

We can build off that.

What'’s so great
about her anyway?

You only like her
'’cause she'’s pretty.

What? No.

I like her '’cause whenever
I look at her, she smiles.

Big deal. Smiling'’s easy
when you have nice teeth.

And she'’s kind.

People that pretty
are usually mean.

Yeah, I guess.

She does have a lot of friends.

Pray for me.

No. Liam. Get... Abort!

I like the cat stickers
on your locker.

Thank you.

My cat licks her nipples.

Well, that'’s pretty random.

Yeah, that
was pretty random.

Um, by the way, do
you like Post Malone?

Love him.

Don'’t you remember when
Mr. Charles asked me

to name my favorite piece of writing,
and I said "Congratulations"?

Yeah. Well, he'’s in town doing
a concert. Maybe we could...

What'’s up, E?

Hey, Aiden.

- How are you?
- Good.

- Whoa.
- Uh...

What do you think you'’re doing?

Oh, nothing really. I
was actually just...

You trying to hit on my girl?

Aiden, stop that.

- Well, were you?
- No, no, no, no.

No. No. I was just trying to
tell her about my cat'’s nipples.

Your cat'’s nipple... Bro,
what are you talking about?

And other stuff.

Uh, tootles.

Uh...

I never say tootles, just FYI.

That was my first time.

Okay.

Darn it!

How'’d it go?

I might have to
change schools again.

My pupils, focus
your pupils on me

as I mold your malleable minds.

As I massage the clay
that is your cerebellum.

Today, my friends, we
discuss A Christmas Carol.

Perhaps the most overrated
of Charles Dickens'’s books.

And I must say, it certainly missed
my "great expectations."

Now, when I read the book,

I felt like I was being visited
by the ghost of Christmas past.

Hard pass for me.

Liam.

I'’d be curious why you
find the young lady'’s hair

more captivating
than my lecture.

No, I wasn'’t... I wasn'’t
staring at Emma'’s shiny hair.

Oh?

Then what part of her
were you staring at?

- Arm.
- Arm.

But I was also listening to you.

Is that right? So you'’re
able to ogle her arm

and listen to me
at the same time?

Yeah, it'’s...
it'’s not that hard.

Now, Liam, if you'’re
so hyperaware,

maybe you can tell me
what book I am discussing.

"Carol'’s Christmas"?

Gotcha.

Now pay attention.

Demerit.

"Carol'’s
Christmas."

Written by the great
author, Dickens Charles.

Hey! You don'’t make fun
of dyslexia. Not cool.

Oh, and by the way,
Einstein had dyslexia too.

The bagel guy?

No. No, the other one.

You see the way
Emma stood up for me?

Maybe she likes me too.

Liam, you'’re right
about Emma being awesome.

But she'’s not gonna be interested in
you unless you pull it together, man.

Attempt to be cool.

Maybe you'’re right.

All right, I gotta go. I
gotta mail a letter to Santa.

What? Letter to Santa?

This is exactly the kind
of crap I'’m talking about.

What are you doing
writing letters to Santa?

Look, I know. I know
he'’s probably not real.

But let'’s just say there'’s,
like, a 1% chance he is

and there'’s something
you really want.

What possible harm could there
be to write a stupid letter?

Okay, I guess.

And the big reason I
write it is for my mom.

What? She wants
stuff from Santa too?

No.

Nobody in this world loves
Christmas more than my mom.

Or did, anyway.

I just think me writing
the letter makes her happy.

I like it better
when she'’s happy.

Okay, okay, whatever.

Just keep that letter
thing under wraps.

If the kids at school ever found
out about this, you'’d be destroyed.

- Destroyed.
- You'’re not gonna tell anyone, right?

Good God, no. How do you
think it would make me look

that my bestie still
believes in Santa?

I'’m your bestie?

Yeah.

Hey, Gibby...

Remember I told you
we moved out here

because I was supposed to be in
the witness protection program?

Yeah?

Well, that wasn'’t true.

Some bad stuff...

bad stuff happened back
where we used to live.

There was an accident, and
that was right before...

Hey, hey. Have you ever had
the Impossible Burger lasagna?

- What?
- Have you ever had it?

I haven'’t, but I hear
it'’s really good.

Come on, Gibby. I was about
to tell you something huge.

Yeah, that'’s why
I made small talk.

I'’m really bad with
that serious crap.

Yeah, me too.

Thanks for letting me come
with you to mail your letter.

It'’s more fun this way.

Hey, I see the town'’s putting on
a big Christmas carnival this week.

Maybe you and I can go to that.

Uh...

Yeah, Mom. Maybe.

A lot of kids from my class
are gonna be there and...

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Come on, baby.
Let'’s go. Come on.

To Santa.

Care of the North Pole.

Huh.

Well, you don'’t
see this very often.

But why do you always
have to cut me off?

Are you kidding me? You'’re
always cutting me off.

After everything he'’s been
through, I worry about his mental well-being.

Can we not turn this
into a therapy session?

Okay, if believing
in Santa makes him happy,

what right do you have
to say that he can'’t?

Oh, come on. Don'’t
make me the bad guy.

I wish
there was a Santa.

Because then I'’d have a pony.

'’Cause that'’s what I asked
for every year when I was a kid.

That'’s why you'’re
mad? You never got a pony.

Knock it off.

You said you were gonna talk
to him. And I will.

When?
I don'’t know. Soon.

Blitzen, is that you?

Use the litter box.

That'’s putrid.

Thank you.

Who was that?

Who are you? What do you want?

What do you mean what
do I want? It'’s me.

Who?

Me. I got your letter.

What letter?

The letter you sent me.

I never sent you a letter.

What do you call
this, fudge nuts?

You had a list in there asking
for all sorts of stupid crap.

So you mean you'’re S...

In the naughty flesh.

Hey, I really want to thank
you for writing me, Liam.

What an unexpected treat.

Unexpected?

Very. Guess how many letters
I get from kids a year.

I'’m not a guesser.

Guess!

Seventy-one million?

Seventy-one million? Uh, no.

How many?

None.

What?

Sure, I get a few
manifestos in the mail

from some wonderfully
deranged grown-ups, but...

What is going on here?

This is insane.
You don'’t exist.

Really? Do you usually write
letters to people who don'’t exist?

You'’re just... You'’re
not what I expected.

What'’d you expect?

Well, for one thing, I thought
you'’d be a little jollier.

Jollier? Who the hell'’s
jolly these days?

Fair point.

But your suit is different.

And your beard
doesn'’t look the same.

But I guess you are, um,

chunky enough.

Wow,
you went there.

What, you don'’t put on a few
extra pounds over the holidays?

- I guess.
- Besides, who said I was chunky?

That'’s how they make
you look in the movies.

Yeah, figures.

If you'’re not a perfect size two
in Hollywood, they demonize you.

And in the movies, the reindeer
usually have the antlers, not you.

Reindeer?

Kid, are you high?

Let me see that letter again.

Give it.

Oh, boy.

Um, you wouldn'’t happen to have
trouble spelling, would you?

Yes.

Sometimes.

Ooh.

Wait, how do I know
you'’re actually Santa

and you'’re not just
messing with me?

Check this out.

Ho, ho, frickin'’ ho.

No way!

Yeah way.

Where'’s my milk and cookies?

Usually I only do the
outfit on Christmas Day.

Gotta keep a low profile.

And I'’m back!

I don'’t believe this!

Right? Good stuff.

Okay, enough of
the party tricks.

Down to biz. I'’m here
to offer you a deal.

A deal?

Isn'’t the deal I'’m good, I write
you a letter, you get me stuff?

The letter thing'’s a
total myth. Fake news.

You, my friend, are getting
wishes. Three wishes.

Three wishes?

What, you mean like a genie?

They stole that from me.

Wait, so there
really are genies?

Sorry, I can'’t discuss it.
It'’s under "litigaysh."

Okay, ready?

Wish time.

Are you telling me I can wish for
anything in the whole wide world?

Yeah. I mean, within reason.

I can'’t undo the War of 1812.

What'’s the War of 1812?

It was a war. In 1812.

Look, the point is I
can'’t change history.

But anything you want moving
forward, I can deliver.

So, come on, make a wish.

Well, I mean,
there'’s a lot I could wish for

and I wasn'’t expecting this,
so I'’m trying to think.

World peace, climate change.

Geez, childhood hunger is
a big problem right now.

Are you kidding me with this?
You don'’t have a wish ready?

I mean, you read my letter. Shouldn'’t
you already know what I want?

Okay, you got me.

I didn'’t read the whole
thing. It was boring.

Besides, what'’s with all
this Goody Two-shoes stuff?

I can give you
anything you want.

How about a dirt
bike? A yacht.

I could get you a helicopter.

What about your personal life?

A girl?

Is there a girl you like?

Yeah. Emma.

I do kind of wish
she'’d give me a chance.

Boom! Done!

She'’s gonna give you a chance.
That'’s one wish, two to go.

- See you tomorrow.
- Wait!

That'’s it?

That'’s it.

How do I know my wish is
actually gonna come true?

Really?

The whirling around
and costume change

didn'’t convince you?

How about this?

I'’ve already seen that one.

Okay. Have you seen this?

Booyah!

Huh?

Santa'’s the shit!

Sold.

Yeah.

Catch you on the flip-flop.

Mom, wake up.

Mom. Wake up.

Hey. Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah.
Everything'’s great.

I have amazing news, Mom.
Santa came to my room.

What?

Santa. He got my letter,
and he came to my room.

You were dreaming. Just
go back to bed, honey.

No, Mom. I'’m wide awake.

Here'’s the letter I sent
him. He gave it back to me.

And he made Blitzen
speak. In English.

Go back to sleep, honey.

What, do you not believe me? How
would I have the letter back?

I don'’t know. I mean, maybe you
just forgot to put it in the mailbox.

No, I didn'’t...

Where'’s Dad?

Oh, he... he'’s
sleeping on the couch.

Why?

Uh, just because, you know,

his back has been
hurting him lately.

Should we wake him up and
tell him the good news?

No, no. Your father has work tomorrow,
so we should just let him rest.

Isn'’t it great though?

Santa Claus is real!

Good night, Mom. Love you.

Love you too.

Huh.

What the hell did you expect?

You said you'’d talk to him, and
then you keep putting it off.

It'’s not an easy thing
to just say to a kid.

Actually, he'’s not a kid.

And look what happened now. He'’s
having dreams he thinks are real.

Oh. Really gonna lay
that one on me too?

What do you mean "too"?

♪ Santa Claus Is coming
to town♪You know what I mean.

♪ Santa Claus Is
coming to town ♪

♪ Santa Claus Is
coming to town ♪

Morning, honey. I got your
lunch and a snack in here, okay?

Thanks.

Hey, Dad. Did Mom tell you
what happened last night?

She, uh, mentioned it.

Isn'’t it incredible?

Santa Claus, right
here in our house.

He is a little different
than you think though.

Yeah.

Must'’ve been some
dream, huh, kiddo?

What? It wasn'’t a dream. I mean,
it was as real as real can be.

All right. See you guys later.

- Have a good day.
- Go get '’em.

♪ Deck the halls With
boughs of holly♪

Yeah, okay, we got a problem.

They'’re gonna stuff
him in a locker.

Stop.

Hey, buddy.

Everybody, please
check to make sure

that your animal has
plenty of food and water

and is showing no
signs of distress.

Hey, little buddy.
You doing okay?

Psst. Yo, Señor Scaredy-cat.

Down here. It'’s me, Santa.

What are you waiting
for? Go make a move!

H-How did you get so small?

What do you mean
"how"? I can do stuff, remember?

Now get over there
and talk to Emma.

But I can'’t. I don'’t
know what to do.

Are you kidding
me right now? Hey!

Mind your manners. It'’s
off-limits, buster.

Kid, you wished for her to
give you a chance. This is it.

You just have to go talk to
her. Take it to the next level.

But what do I say?

Ask her on a date.

No. Kids don'’t do that anymore.

Liam?

Everything okay?

Yeah, everything'’s, uh, great.

Get over
there, you chicken!

But... I'’ll talk to her later.

Maybe in the hallway.

If you don'’t get
over there right now,

I'’m gonna sic this
hamster on you.

Yeah, I'’m gonna have
him jump out of this cage

and maul you with his
tiny teeth and claws

until your own mother
doesn'’t recognize you.

You'’ll never live it down.

You'’ll be the kid who barely
survived a hamster attack.

Is that what you want?

I'’m not afraid of a
cute, little hamster.

I'’m going.

Hey, Emma.

L-Liam. Hi. Hey. How are you?

Stupid question. You'’re
probably great. Just ignore that.

No, I'’m fine.

Anyway, uh, I came
over here to ask

if you wanted to hang
out sometime. Soon.

Me with you?

Yes. Definitely. Where? When?

Uh, maybe we could go to
that Post Malone concert?

Or... Or... Or not. Uh...

What are you doing?

I don'’t know. I panicked. It
scared me to be that brave.

Go with it, buddy.

You wanna go to the Posty
concert, you got it.

Now sell it!

- Really?
- Yes!

- Hi again.
- Hi.

Liam, I don'’t know if
you were being serious.

Like, were you kidding?

If you don'’t wanna take
me, I get it. That'’s okay.

No, no, I was being serious.

I just didn'’t know if
your boyfriend would...

That won'’t be a problem.

I broke up with Aiden anyways.

Sometimes he wasn'’t that nice.

Okay. Uh...

Uh, I'’ll text you the details.

Great.

Tootles!

I never say "tootles"
either, just... just FYI.

That was my first time.

Sue
me, I'’m thirsty.

You'’re going to see
Post Malone with Emma?

Yeah, and that'’s not
even the craziest part.

You won'’t believe what
happened last night.

I'’m pretty sure you going to Post
Malone with Emma is the craziest part.

You'’d think so, but Santa
came to my room last night!

Santa came to your room?

I swear.

But he didn'’t look like
Santa. He had antlers.

But then he looked like Santa, but he
explained he didn'’t walk around like that,

except on Christmas.

That had to be your imagination.

If it was my imagination,

then how do you explain him
being in the cage with my hamster

during science class?

Santa Claus was in the cage - with your hamster?
- Uh-huh.

You must'’ve been having
some weird dreams last night.

But the hamster
thing happened today.

Whatever.

Night dreams, daydreams,
they can seem real.

Look! There he is.

Where?

On the bench.

Where on the bench?

The only
guy on the bench.

That'’s Santa?

Yeah. Yeah, he'’s the one who
brought me my letter back.

Wanna meet him?

Uh, that'’s gonna
be a hard pass.

Liam. Look who you
addressed that to.

Santa? So?

Look at it again.
Take your time.

Satan. Oh, my God.

Well, at least it somehow
still got to Santa.

Did it?

Are you saying... No.

That can'’t be the
devil. There is no devil.

There'’s no devil, but
there'’s a Santa Claus?

Come on, man. Pick a lane.

See you later, alligator.

What the...

Hey, Liam!

There you are. Come over here.

Come on. What are you waiting
for? We'’re burning daylight.

Get over here!

What'’s with the
tiny, slow steps?

Let'’s pick up
the pace. Come on.

What'’s your deal, kid?

First, you send me a letter,

and then I make your
dreams come true,

and then you avoid me like I'’m
the frickin'’ Easter Bunny?

Sorry, I didn'’t see you over there
on the bench where you were sitting.

Um, can I ask you a question?

Does Pinocchio poop pinecones?

My God! You are Satan.

No, I'’m not.

Come on, turd breath, we'’ve
already been through this.

I'’m your friend, Santy Claus.

Turd breath?

Does my breath stink?

No, I was just saying
that to make you feel bad.

Okay, okay.
I'’m Satan. You got me.

Now quit being a baby.

You lucked out big time, dumbass.
I'’m way better than Santa.

- How?
- Come on, think about it.

What do you want under
the Christmas tree?

A pair of itchy socks
that Grandma knitted you?

Or anything in the world your
little selfish heart desires?

- Oh, look, it'’s a dove.
- Is it?

Oh, God. Oh, God.
I can'’t move.

If you touch me, I'’ll scream.

Why would I touch you? I'’m the
devil, not a trusted relative.

Sorry. That
was low-hanging fruit.

By the way, we got a lot of those
creepy uncle types down where I'’m from.

All right?

Come on. Now, just relax, kid.

You and I are gonna do a lot
better if we work together.

I'’m not comfortable with this.

I don'’t wanna be seen talking
to some weird guy with horns.

Okay, is it the horns that
bother you? Watch this.

All gone.

Sir, since I was clearly
writing to Santa and not to you,

maybe we can just forget about all
this and you can go on your way.

Not that easy, buddy boy. You
already made your first wish,

and that means we have
a deal in progress.

There'’s no getting out of this thing
until all three wishes are used up.

By the way, check your phone.

Oh, my God!

That'’s it? OMG?

Where'’s my thank-you?

You can'’t get better
tickets than that.

That'’s where Mama Posty sits.

But I didn'’t ask for tickets.
I wished for Emma to like me.

Nope. Technically, you wished
for her to give you a chance.

- What'’s the difference?
- Big difference.

She'’s gonna give you a chance.
That'’s all. You can still screw it up.

But to give your chance a chance, I
threw in those tickets as a freebie,

'’cause let'’s face it,
your game'’s a little weak.

Sir, I'’m going to
politely decline.

You can have those tickets
back. Scalp '’em if you want.

I wanna call off
our deal entirely.

I told you, you can'’t.
You summoned me.

No, I summoned Santa.

Nope. Pretty sure
you wrote "Satan."

S-A-T-A-N.

It was a mistake.

There are no mistakes.

Everything happens for a reason.

Just ask your God.

This didn'’t happen
for a reason.

It was a total typo.

I have learning differences.

Everyone'’s a victim these days.

OCD, ADD, L-M-N-O-P.
Blah, blah, blah.

When I was a kid, they'’d slap
you in the back of the head

and tell you to suck it up.

You were a kid?

I don'’t wanna talk about it.

Liam, you'’re looking
at this thing all wrong.

The way I see it, there'’s some
good news and some other news.

The good news is you'’ve
got two more wishes.

That'’s pretty amazing.

And the other news?

Huh?

You said - there was other news.
- Oh, right.

After you make two more
wishes, I'’m taking your soul.

What? Are you insane?

I prefer "sanity adjacent."

Well, what if I don'’t
make the other two wishes?

- You will.
- What if I don'’t?

- Uh, trust me, you will.
- And if I don'’t?

If you do not
make three wishes,

technically, I cannot
take your soul.

But you will.

Here. See that
cloud over there?

Let me show you a few of the
things I could do for you.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

He'’s going over the top!

Come on. Pedal to
the metal. Come on!

All right. Let'’s go, kid.

You see that, kid?

You ain'’t never had
a friend like me.

Okay, that I may have
stolen from Aladdin.

Now we'’re even.

Liam, you got the
world by the oysters.

I don'’t really like oysters.

I think I'’m going to
politely pass on your offer.

What'’s the matter with you?

I don'’t know.

I mean, these are all
nice ideas. I just...

I kinda don'’t wanna
give up my soul.

On your left!

Son of a... gun.

Liam, do you know this man?

Yeah, I'’m his uncle. Beat it.

Uh...

Is this true, Liam?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Huh. Well, then.

Maybe you can suggest to your nephew
to stop being so inattentive in class.

It'’s causing disruptions.

How'’s that again? I wasn'’t really paying
attention to anything you just said.

I was saying young Liam here
has a bad habit of being in...

Very funny, wise guy.

Can you really blame him though?
You'’re pretty damn boring, you know.

Excuse me.

Who do you think you are,
talking to me like that?

Here we go.

Dressed like you'’re in
some apocalyptic biker gang,

with your dead carcass.

Now, I will not tolerate
obscene language directed at me.

Ooh.

Oh, my.

Dear me.

That doesn'’t sound right.

I hope you'’re not getting that
stomach bug that'’s been going around.

Sir, I am the picture of health.

Ooh.

Oh!

Pardon me. Kombucha.

I hope it'’s not IBS.
Sometimes that can be unruly.

Gentlemen, excuse me.

It seems nature is calling,
and I intend to answer.

Ooh.

Oh, my. I'’ve never heard such
a spirited bout of flatulence.

Watch this.

Lock.

No! No! Please!
Let me in!

I need a toilette.

My kingdom for a toilette.

Did you know every time a
grown man sharts himself,

a demon earns its horns?

It'’s true.

Oh! No! Tummy tum.

Never trust a fart. You
just gambled and lost.

I apologize. But it
appears... Oh, no.

Something'’s come out...
come up... and I have to run.

So now, I will just
m...

I will
just mount my trusty steed.

Gentlemen... tallyho!

Nice to meet ya!

The pleasure was mine!

Let'’s look at the bright side.

The first two wishes
are freebies, right?

He only gets your
soul after the third?

Yeah, but...

And you can tap out at any
time before then. Right?

Well, yeah, technically. But I...
Well, then what'’s the problem?

Look, I'’m worried Satan is going
to trick me into making more wishes.

He'’s pretty clever.

He pretty much tricked
me into the first one.

Yeah, that'’s
classic Satan stuff.

But I think you'’ll be fine.

Like, you'’re strong.

You'’re not gonna make any more
wishes if you don'’t want to.

That'’s what I thought. But
Satan said I definitely would.

Don'’t worry about
what Satan said.

You'’re the nicest kid I know.

Thanks, Gibby.

All right.

I gotta go convince my parents

into letting me go
to this concert.

That'’s gonna be a tough one.

Yeah. Wish me luck.

Hey, Mom and Dad. I wanted
to ask if I could...

Hi, honey.

- Hi.
- Hello, Liam.

I'’m Dr. Finkleman.

Hello.

Dr. Finkleman is a child
psychologist, Liam.

Hmm.

I hear that'’s an
interesting field.

Hmm.

I'’m gonna go watch
Salt Lake Housewives.

Uh, Liam.

Hmm?

Dr. Finkleman is
here to see you.

Oh, God.

So, I wanna make
sure I have this straight.

Uh, first, you thought Santa
came into your bedroom.

But now you think it
wasn'’t Santa, it was Satan.

- Yeah, that'’s right.
- No.

He must be confused.

He means Saint Nick, not Satan.

No, no, that'’s what I thought.

But then I realized
it was Satan.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No. Think he'’s just confused.

Well, um, let'’s
say he is confused.

Liam, you confused
Santa and Satan. How?

Well, they both have
surprisingly similar styles.

I mean, you know,
beards, a generous build,

and their clothing is
reddish with black boots.

- - Where is this coming from?
- I don'’t know.

Did you
know? What is this?

It'’s fully thought
out. Where is this coming from?

It'’s fully
realized. Yeah, it is.

Hey, it'’s not phone
time right now.

Come on, honey. Put it away.

Do you have any idea why Satan
would come visit you in your room?

Well, because I
wrote him a letter.

And again, why were
you writing to Satan?

No, I wasn'’t.

I meant to write it to Santa,

but I mixed up the letters
and it went to Satan.

Didn'’t you jot that one down?

- Hey. Liam. Calm down.
- I'’m sorry.

It'’s been a tough year,
with the tragedy and all.

I know it might sound crazy, but
the devil came to my bedroom.

With God as my witness.

So, is God witnessing
you now as well, Liam?

No. That was an expression.

Mom, I really need to talk to
you about... Not right now, Liam.

We need to finish talking
with Dr. Finkleman, okay?

And make sure you
tell him the truth.

I am telling him the truth!
I already told you that.

He'’s here to help us.

No, it'’s okay.
I got something stuck.

Dr. Finkleman, can
I get you a water?

I'’m gonna get it.

Oh, my God. Are
you okay?

Sorry.

Okay, then if that'’s the truth,
thank you for being honest with us.

So, do you believe me?

Of course we believe you.

He'’s nuts.

Oh, God.

Liam.

Hi there.

Can I help you?

I'’m Gibby, Liam'’s friend.

The football player with cancer.

Gibby!

It is so nice to - finally meet you.
- Oh.

Nice to meet you
too, Mrs. Turner.

Um, how... how is everything
going? Are you feeling okay?

You know, some good days,
some bad days. Mostly bad.

Oh, well, come on in the house.
Let me get you something to drink.

Oh, no, thank you, Mrs.
Turner. I don'’t have time.

I'’m just here to pick up Liam

because he promised me to go to
my chemo session with me tonight.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Mom, I was trying to
tell you about that.

Um...

But I can go, right? I
mean, Gibby needs me.

Oh, well, I'’m
not sure if you...

- Bill?
- I mean... I...

Of course. Yes. Go, Liam.
Go... Go support your friend.

- Do you guys need a ride?
- No need.

I'’m on the
job. Howdy there, folks.

I'’m Gibby'’s dad, Gibby
the first, Gibby Senior.

Great to meet.

I'’ll be taking these two eager
beavers over to the clinic,

and then, if it'’s okay with you, I'’d
like to take them out for a little boba.

How about that, guys? How'’s
that sound? Little boba?

♪ Bo-boba-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boba
Bo-boba-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boba ♪

We love boba. We can'’t
get enough of that b... those bobas.

You'’re Gibby'’s dad?

Yes, ma'’am. Unfortunately, he
gets his good looks from his mom,

if you know what I
mean.

Anyway, we really appreciate Liam
being such a big support to Gibby.

Time with good friends
is so important.

Especially when
you don'’t know...

how much
time you got left.

- Yeah.
- But, uh...

great kid.

You did something right.
Come on, guys. Let'’s go.

- Yeah!
- Okay, uh, bye.

See you later.

Okay. Have fun at chemo.

Did you just
lie about chemotherapy?

Do you know how wrong that is?

I do, and I'’m not proud of it.

I guess the devil made me do it.

What the hell is going on?

It wasn'’t my idea.

He came to my house and told me

that you wanted me to go to
the concert too.

Come on, you chupacabras! Hurry up.
We'’re gonna be late for the concert.

This is so cool.

I'’ve never been
backstage before.

Now, listen up, mouse knuckle.

If you want this girl to find you
interesting enough to fall for you,

you'’re gonna have to...
...you know.

What? Be myself?

No! Do not do that.

You'’re gonna have to trick her.

Trick her? I don'’t
wanna trick her.

I just wanna make sure she
gets to see the real me.

And what'’s the real you, Liam?

A good and kind and, I
think, a sensitive person.

Hold up.

Can I give you some free advice?

You wanna get
ahead in the world,

you gotta think
about yourself first.

Numero uno. It'’s a
time-tested formula.

Just look at your politicians.

Okay. You know how when
you'’re on a plane,

they say, "Put on your oxygen
mask first before helping others"?

- Yeah?
- Like that.

Except maybe you don'’t even have to
help anyone else with their mask, right?

Who wants to share oxygen when
a plane'’s going down, anyway?

Up top.

We need to work on that.

You two pieces of belly button lint
wait here. I'’ll be right back.

What'’s up?

Whoa!

It'’s Post Malone!

Shut up.

Liam!

Dude!

What is up, man?

How are you, man?

You know Liam?

Hell yeah, I know Liam.

Liam is my inspiration.

Liam is... is my
motivation, dude.

You'’re what drives me, man.
Thank you so much for what you do.

Hey, hey, hey. What'’s up? I see
you'’ve already caught up with Posty.

- What'’s up, bro? - Great to see you.
- What'’s up, dude? Yes, sir.

Look, I have to go, but
I wanted you to know.

I am going to kick
this show'’s ass,

and I wanna dedicate
it to you tonight, man.

I gotta go, dude, but I
love you so much, man.

You'’re a living legend.
You'’re an absolute stud.

You'’re the biggest beast
on planet Earth, Liam.

You'’re the biggest rock
star in the universe.

I love you so much, and I'’ll
see you after the show, man.

- Let'’s go!
- What'’s going on here?

Once again, and
hopefully for the last time,

I can do cool shit.

But how'’d you get
him to know who I am?

I put him under a
simple, little spell.

Don'’t worry, - it'’s only temporary.
- But...

Don'’t ask how the
sausage gets made, okay?

Here you go, Gibby.
You'’re in the nosebleeds.

Nosebleeds? But I
wanna sit with Liam.

Look, even Satan can'’t outtrick
Ticketmaster. I'’m not a bot.

It'’s Emma. She'’s at
the seats. I gotta go.

Get going, Liam.

Gibby, the nosebleeds are that way
and to the left. See you later.

Let'’s go!

Yeah!

Posty time. You excited?

I am too. Let'’s do this.

♪ My mama called
Seen you on TV, son ♪

♪ Said shit done changed
Ever since we was on ♪

♪ I dreamed it all Ever
since I was young ♪

♪ They said I
wouldn'’t be nothing ♪

♪ Now they always say ♪
♪ Congratulations ♪

♪ Worked so hard Forgot
how to vacation ♪

♪ They ain'’t never
had The dedication ♪

♪ People hatin'’, say we
changed And look, we made it ♪

♪ Yeah, we made it ♪

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey!

Whoo!

Thank you so very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so very much.

I had the most amazing night,

and I appreciate y'’all'’s
love so very much.

But, uh, I wanted
to take a moment

and I wanted to bring up, uh, probably
the most important man to my career,

and, uh, the inspiration
for my music,

and the absolute biggest
living legend, um, of all time.

Would you please come up
here, man? Liam Turner.

What?

Oh!

Yeah! Liam! Liam!

Liam! Liam! Liam!

That'’s so cool! How come
you never said anything?

Yeah!

I don'’t know what to do.

I can'’t sing, rap,
dance, anything!

Have we built no trust here?

But what if I look stupid?

You'’ve been looking stupid
your whole life, kid.

This is your chance to
show '’em you'’re not.

Let'’s go.

Yeah. You got this.

Yeah!

You rock, Liam!

You got anything
you wanna say, Liam?

This song is dedicated to Emma.

Oh, my God. Is that Liam?

Wait, that is Liam!

- Get a video. - Get a video.
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.
- Liam! Liam! - Liam!

♪ Ooh, girl, I like you I do ♪

♪ I wanna be your friend
Go shoppin'’ in a Benz ♪

♪ I like you, I do

♪ I'’ll hit you when I land
Can you fit me in your plans? ♪

♪ I like you, I do ♪

♪ We went over to France
And we woke up in Japan ♪

♪ I like you, I do ♪

♪ Mmm, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, girl, I know you
only like it fancy ♪

♪ So I pull up In
that Maybach Candy ♪

♪ Yeah, your boyfriend
Will never understand me ♪

♪ '’Cause I'’m about to Pull
this girl like a hammy ♪

♪ Let'’s take a lil
dip Lil lady... ♪

Come on!

♪ Hit PCH, 180 ♪

♪ Girl, I'’ve been
thinkin'’ lately... ♪

Come up.

Emma!

That looks like fun.
I gotta get in there.

♪ But I need a good girl I
need someone to ground me ♪

♪ So please be true
Don'’t... around with me ♪

♪ I need someone to Share
this heart with me ♪

♪ Feel you up Then
run it back again ♪

♪ But, girl, I like you I do ♪

♪ I wanna be your friend
Go shoppin'’ in a Benz ♪

♪ I like you, I do... ♪

Go,
Emma! Go, Emma! Go, Emma!

♪ ...I like you, I do... ♪

Go, Liam! Go, Liam!

♪ I like you, I do ♪

- Hey, hey!
- We love you, Liam!

Hey, that'’s my bestie.

Wanna go backstage with
me and meet him after?

Are you kidding? Yes!

But I can'’t. I kinda
have a boyfriend.

It wasn'’t a date. It was
more of a meet and greet.

Go, Post! Go, Post!

Go, Post! Go, Post!

Yes!

I could go all
night. I love this.

Let'’s
go! Let'’s go!

Hey. Where'’d
you go tonight?

You have early onset dementia?
I was at the concert.

No, I mean after the show.

I looked all over for
you when I got offstage.

We were doing some fun stuff.

I left early. Ubered
home. I was bored.

What? I danced
with Post Malone

then made out with Emma,
and that bored you?

You didn'’t make out with her.

It was just one kiss.

And I don'’t think she
even touched your lip.

She did touch my lip.
Looked like cheek to me.

It was way more
lip than cheek. Way more.

Wait, I thought you
said you left early.

Yeah, right
after the cheek kiss.

Lip kiss! She
got the corner, I swear.

Oh, you swear?
To God or to the devil?

Come on, Gibby.

Just because Satan'’s
come into my life,

doesn'’t mean I worship him now.

Oh, you sure?

What'’s wrong?

I think you better
come hear this.

Okay.

I never
thought I'’d say this,

but meeting Satan might be the best
thing that ever happened to me.

Satan? So
you'’re not worried about him

tricking you into more wishes?
When did he meet Satan?

- I don'’t know. Shh.
- What does that even mean?

Nope. I'’m one and
done. No more wishes necessary.

And by the way, tomorrow'’s
the big Christmas carnival.

It'’s gonna be the
best night ever.

The night where
it all goes down.

- What'’s going down?
- What?

- What'’s gonna go down?
- I don'’t know.

Hold on. I think
someone'’s at the door.

Must'’ve been Blitzen.
Where were we?

You were saying tomorrow night,
it all goes down. What goes down?

I'’m gonna kiss Emma
for real. On the lips.

Then there will be no
question, buddy boy.

Yeah, that'’s great.

Gib. I finally got
the girl of my dreams.

Why aren'’t you happy for me?

I'’m happy for you.

Come on, Gibby. What'’s wrong?

This is what'’s wrong. This.

Look, you
get to be the star,

and I can'’t even get
a girl to talk to me.

You know what, man?

I'’m just gonna hang up.
I'’ll see you.

Oh, wait, Gib!

Oh, it'’s freezing.
It'’s colder than a witch'’s tit.

Why can'’t you leave
the damn window open?

It gets chilly out here.

Come on. Open the window!

I'’m
used to heat, man.

Did you have to
turn into a vulture?

What, too on the nose? I was wondering
about that. I should'’ve gone for a bat.

How much fun
was that tonight?

It was very fun.

I'’d almost forgotten

how much fun it was
to dance like that.

Just dance like no
one was watching you.

Except the whole auditorium was,
and that made it even better.

Booyah!

Hey.

Did your gal Emma
have a nice time?

Yes.

A very good time. I
wanna thank you for that.

Ew! Look, kid, do not
be polite with me, okay?

I'’m not a fan of that crap.
It'’s like nails on a chalkboard.

Oh. I apologize for that, sir.

Ugh! There you go again!

You know, you'’re
starting to annoy me.

I come all the way up here to offer
you any three wishes you want,

and what does
Mr. Goody Goody say?

"Nah, I'’ll just take one."

You'’re making me look bad.

Actually, I wanted to ask you
a question about your offer.

Do go on.

So, you said

you'’d only own my soul
if I made three wishes.

- Is that true?
- I swear to God.

So, that m...

You swear to God?

It'’s a figure of speech.

I also say "go to
hell" when I'’m pissed,

even though that'’d be like other
people saying, "Let'’s go to Bermuda."

Okay, good. I'’d like
to make my second wish.

Finally! Here we go. I
was getting worried about you.

So...

what'’ll it be?

Hi, Liam.

Uh, hi? I guess.

Good morning, buddy boy.

Somebody'’s in a
good mood today.

Why wouldn'’t I be? It'’s a
super-duper day to be alive.

Dude, you look
awesome! What happened?

I woke up this morning, and
my teeth were just fixed.

My mom always told me I'’d grow into
them, and I guess she was right.

My parents are happy. They were
about to take me to go get braces.

Perfect timing.

What? Why?

Me and Emma are going
to the carnival tonight.

Maybe you wanna double-date?

You don'’t think she'’d
feel like a third wheel?

No, I mean "double date"
as in you bring a girl.

I guess I could ask my cousin
Arielle, but she'’s kinda picky.

No, not someone
you'’re related to.

A real girl.

I mean, you are a stud.

S-U-T-D. A stud.

Actually, maybe you'’re right.

Me being this handsome might
magically attract girls,

so, you know, why bring
sand to the beach?

Tonight, I could
be a free agent.

Now you'’re talkin'’.

See you.

Hey, Gibby.

This is dope.

Very.

Hey, look. That'’s Liam.

That is him. Isn'’t it?

This is sick, buddy.

Somehow or another, we
became the cool kids.

Who would'’ve thunk
it?

Hey, where'’s Emma?

Uh, she should be
here any minute.

Do you really think
this is necessary?

Molly, I don'’t know about you,
but... but I-I-I'’m terrified.

He'’s been talking nonstop
about Satan.

But are we sure that we
heard him say "Satan"

and not "Jason"
or "Layton" or...

- Who'’s Jason or Layton?
- I have no idea. I'’m reaching.

Listen, we both
definitely heard him say

that tonight is the
night it all goes down.

We gotta do somethin'’.

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'’m late.

Gibby, you look so good.

Everyone'’s talking about it.

Thanks, Emma.

I can'’t believe how much fun
that was last night, Liam.

Yeah, that was pretty fun.

You'’re so humble.

You never let on at all
about any of your talents.

I'’ma get a corn dog.

Uh, do you guys want one?

Sure.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Be right back.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Go get him.

Me?

Yeah. You'’re...
He listens to you.

- I'’m the driver.
- Fine, fine.

You got it.

Come and get them.

Nitrates, sodium,
artificial flavors.

Really bad for you.

Oh, hey there, kid.

What are you doing here?

I'’m just staying
close by, you know,

in case I'’m needed for, uh,
say, a third and final wish.

Yeah, well, you won'’t be.

And I wanna thank
you for your service.

You wanna thank
me for my service?

I'’m done. I really
don'’t need anything else.

Mm-hmm. Can I ask
you something?

Why aren'’t you taking credit
for what you did for your buddy?

What? Why should I?

I mean, literally the only reason
to do stuff for other people

is to get the credit.

So then they owe you something.

What about doing something
nice for a person

because you care about them?

Like out of kindness.

I don'’t even know
what you just said.

I mean, I know all the words, but I
just never heard them in that order.

Like a selfless act.

Still not following.

Forget it.

Hey, Mrs. Turner. Is
everything all right?

I'’m Gibby, Liam'’s friend.

The football player with cancer.

Yeah, no, I know. Gibby, hi.

God, you just look so healthy.

The, uh, treatment seems
to really be working.

Yes, it'’s, uh, doing the trick.

Have, um... Have you seen Liam? I... I
just need to talk to him for a second.

Yeah, he'’s over there
at the corn dog stand.

Corn dog. Okay. Thank you.

Bye now.

It was a pleasure doing
business with you,

but I made my two wishes
and I wanna enjoy them.

So no offense, but bye.

Oh! Oh. And can I
get three corn dogs?

Not a wish. I'’m paying cash.

Coming right up!

Three corn dogs,
extra goat lips.

On the house.

Extra spicy.

Enjoy.

And don'’t chew with your
mouth open. It'’s gross.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Liam, I'’ve been looking for you. I
just need you to come with me, please.

- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.

But I'’m with my friends.

Liam, honey, this will
only take a moment.

Everything'’s okay.
Just come with me.

What are you doing? Why
are you pulling me so hard?

- Come on. Hey, come on.
- Emma and Gibby.

Let'’s go, let'’s
go. It'’s okay.

- I just... I missed you.
- No... Wait.

- I needed to see you quick.
- What'’s Daddy doing here?

- Honey, how was the carnival?
- We loved the carnival.

- I got him! I got him! - All right.
- Liam. Give me the corn dogs!

Come on. I see
it. Wait! Help!

- I see it. I got it.
- Be careful! Don'’t hurt him.

- I did it already.
- Liam, lean back.

Let'’s go.

Why are you doing this?
Because we love you.

This is a horrible way to
show it. I'’m on a date.

Of course you are.

Everything'’s gonna
be all right, Liam.

We'’re gonna do a few tests
and keep you overnight.

Now I'’m gonna go talk to your
parents about a course of treatment.

Be right back.

Course of treatment?

Take me to Christmas
carnival, please.

What the hell did they
do to you, McMurphy?

Who'’s McMurphy?

Cuckoo'’s Nest.

It saddens me that
you don'’t know that.

Now, listen up, comrade.

I can get you out of
here in two seconds.

- Really?
- Of course.

You'’ve still got your
third wish, remember?

Yeah, well, I'’m not
giving you my soul.

No deal.

Okay, your call.

Just looks like your friends
are having so much fun

at the Winter
Christmas Carnival.

Liam never even
said goodbye, though.

I hope he'’s okay.

Ah, I'’m sure he'’s fine.

I'’m not fine.

How are
you doing, Gibby?

Don'’t worry. I
won'’t tell anyone.

I know how freaked out people can get
when they find out someone has... cancer.

Yeah. Oh, you'’ve
gotta be joking me.

They look at you like
you'’re a patient, not a person.

You don'’t even have cancer!

Well, I think
you'’re really brave.

Soldiers are brave.

I'’m just courageous.

This kid is good.

You gotta hand it to
him. He'’s got the moves.

He does not have
the moves at all.

I don'’t know, Liam.

Looks like they'’re
really hitting it off.

Gibby, do you mind me asking
what kind of cancer you have?

The super-duper bad kind.

You got to admit, Liam,

they make a cute couple.

No, they do not!

Stop it.

I know what you'’re
trying to do.

I'’m not making my third wish.

Now get out of here.

Okay, your call.

I'’ll just head back to my room.

You have a room over here?

I'’m staying at the
Red Rum Motor Lodge.

You can probably
guess my room number.

It'’s 666, just in
case you didn'’t know.

It'’s gonna be okay.

Whatever this is, we'’ll...
we'’ll get through it together.

Uh, I have bad news.

He does not have a brain tumor.

Damn it!

Well, what is it then?

Why is he acting this way?

Why are you acting this
way? This is good news.

Talking about Lucifer
and-and Post Malone.

That'’s good news?

Be honest, Doc.
Is there any hope?

Usually, I... I'’m a
"optimistic person,"

but in this particular
case, I'’ve gotta tell you,

the delusions seem to be
more acute... Dr. Finkleman.

Do you know who that is - in there?
- In where?

In the imaging room.

That'’s the kid that blew Post
Malone off the stage last night.

- What?
- No, no, no.

Don'’t... Don'’t listen to him.

He... He'’s... He'’s a
little delirious right now.

Mmm. No. I was there.

- Where?
- At the show.

The kid killed.
He'’s a rock star.

- Here.
- Is this person a patient?

This.

♪ Girl, I
like you, I do ♪

- Right?
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- That'’s Liam! Liam.

- Who took him to this?
- There'’s a lot of people there.

Is he moonwalking?
It'’s not great, but it'’s spirited.

He'’s so cool.

That'’s our son? This was
last night? Oh, my God.

Uh-oh. Here'’s when - we all went backstage.
- What?

Liam! Liam!
Liam! Is he playing beer pong?

What?

Yeah! Yeah! That'’s what
I'’m talking about. Yeah!

He'’s so
good at beer pong.

Oh, no.

Yeah.
Liam! Liam! Liam!

Liam, can we
just talk for a moment?

No! You ruined my life!

Look, I know it was scary.

It'’s just that the
doctors were try... were...

Liam, honey, we...

I should'’ve believed him.

What, that he was a rock star?

I mean, why would
you believe that?

Because he said he was.

And he'’s my son.

You did everything a
good father would do.

Did I? Under the circumstances,

yeah.

Hey, you are a really
good father, Bill.

Really, you'’re amazing.

Thank you.

Oh, and, Bill,

I'’m sorry you never got that
pony when you were a kid.

Hey.

Hey. What the heck
happened to you tonight?

My parents are freaks.
That'’s what happened.

Well, we missed you, man.
Wasn'’t as fun without you.

Oh, really? Sure looked like
you were having a good time.

What do you mean?

You were all over her.

I saw everything.
Satan showed it to me.

Satan showed it to you? Yeah.

He put it on the monitor.

So, you were just spying on us?

I was riveted.

"The
super-duper bad kind."

Please.

You were the one who came
up with the cancer lie.

I guess that no good
deed goes unpunished.

So, making up a story that
I'’m dying is your good deed?

No. Fixing your teeth
was my good deed.

What? That'’s right.

I used my second wish to
straighten out your teeth.

I didn'’t go after Emma.

And I never asked
you to fix my teeth.

Yeah, well, I was being a good
friend. You should try it sometime.

Maybe he'’s right.

Maybe he did meet the devil.

Oh, come on.

You'’re the one who said
that we should believe him.

Within reason.

Bill, you saw him.

He was singing and dancing
and he was playing beer pong.

Our son can'’t do
any of those things.

Maybe he was
practicing at school.

Beer pong in middle school?

Maybe it was lemonade pong.

Okay, yeah.

Well, obviously,
he'’s a natural.

I mean, I was in a frat.

Yes, we know.

There'’s gotta be
some explanation.

Yeah, maybe there is.

Maybe he'’s telling the truth.

Are you listening
to yourself, Molly?

You'’re actually wondering out
loud if there really is a devil?

Well, if there isn'’t, then
who took Spencer from us?

God?

Would God take Liam'’s
little brother away from him?

There are bad things in this
world, Bill... horrible things...

and we'’ve seen them firsthand.

Where do you think
they come from?

Stop it, Molly.

Spencer didn'’t die because
of God or the devil.

He died because...

Because I let them play
outside without watching them.

Just say it. It was my fault.

- I didn'’t say that.
- But you were thinking it.

Don'’t tell me - what I'’m thinking, okay?
- You certainly don'’t tell me.

Maybe it'’s because I
don'’t know what I think anymore!

Nothing around here
makes any damn sense.

Yeah, I
know you don'’t.

Maybe tomorrow, I'’ll just go
to my sister'’s for a while.

Yeah, maybe you should.

Yeah, I think it'’ll
be better for everyone.

Yeah, stay as long
as you'’d like.

I give up.

If you need me,
I'’ll be on my couch.

♪ I like you, I do ♪

And a-one, two, three, four.

Two, two, three, four.

And three, two, three, four.

Four, two, three, four.

♪ I like you, I do ♪

In other news, entertainer
Post Malone... Kick... What?

Checked himself into Emory Medical
Center for extensive tests yesterday

after posting on social
media how he woke up

and had no recollection
of a two-hour concert

he gave at the Neary
Theater. I did that.

Hey, guys. Um, Posty here.

Um, weird story.

So, uh, I'’m sitting in the
greenroom, getting ready for a show,

and all of a sudden, I wake
up and it'’s the next day.

And, uh, I don'’t even
remember what happened.

But I appreciate the love...
He didn'’t know what hit him.

And, um, I'’m doing great now.

Well, that sure sounds scary.

It sure is. But you know what?

His fans weren'’t
complaining at all.

In fact, many in attendance thought
it was one of his best shows ever.

Now that'’s what I'’m talking
about. We sure have.

Best show he'’s done in
year...

Damn, Uber Eats is fast.

Coming.

Double stuffed pizza crust.

Well, well, well.

I wanna make my third wish.

Please, come in.

What are you wearing?

Oh, it'’s just a
little exercise thing

I picked up at the store.

Come on in. Make
yourself comfortable.

Hey, Liam.

I know you'’re upset, but I just
wanted to say good night, okay?

Liam.

Liam, come on.

Bill. Bill!

So let me try to
get this straight.

You'’re saying your third wish is you
want your parents to not get a divorce?

That'’s right.

It'’s a little vague.
I mean, theoretically,

they could stay together
but still be miserable.

No.

I want them to smile again.

Go out to dinner.

Watch a band.

Hug, kiss, laugh.

And not say horrible
things to each other.

That kind of staying together.

Okay.

So, you can do it?

I'’m usually pro-divorce,

but hell, yes, I can do it.

So, then what will happen to me?

Do I die and go
straight to hell?

No, no, no, no, not yet.

Not for a good 70 to 85 years

if you watch your weight and
get your 10,000 steps a day in.

Until then, do me a favor.

Have some fun.

What kind of fun?

Fun, fun.

You'’re literally going to hell.

You might as well
have fun with it.

Be a jerk.

Don'’t hold the door.

In fact, slam the door
in people'’s faces.

Rip a juicy one on the bus.

Tell people what you really think
about '’em right to their face,

even if it'’s rude.

Feels good.

What if I enjoy
being nice to people?

You don'’t.

You just believe you do because you'’re
worried about what people think.

How do you know?

I may be Satan,

but I'’m also a keen observer
of the human "condish."

Now, come on, kid.

Let'’s make it official.

How?

In a clear voice... no
mumbling... just say,

"With this third and final wish,
Satan, you now have my soul,"

and then ask for the wish.

With this third and
final wish, Satan,

you now have my soul.
You now have my soul.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Go ahead now.

Ask for the third wishie.

Imagine getting to see
your mom smile again.

A real smile, guilt-free.

Your dad too.

I wish my parents would stay
together, in love, forever.

Sucker!

I'’m just
messing with you.

Congrats. Welcome
to the squad.

What? Why so blue?

Why so blue?

I just sold my
soul to the devil.

Adorable.

Totes adorbs.

That'’s what they
all say at first,

but once you get the hang of
it, you'’re gonna have a blast.

Ooh, I get goose bumps
just thinking about it.

You never understand.

Aw, cheer up, dude.

Slam that door.

♪ I like it, I do ♪

♪ I catch a little soul
And I eat a whole bowl ♪

♪ I like it, I do ♪

Where is he?
Where could he be?

He was angry. He
probably went for a walk.

Look, let me just pull over
for a minute so I can think.

I don'’t wanna fight with
you anymore about Liam.

I know you think I'’m the
one to blame for all of this.

What are you talking about?

I let him believe in Santa.

I baby him. I don'’t
challenge him enough.

Molly, I don'’t
blame you for this.

And I never blamed
you for Spencer.

The truth is, if
I blame anyone...

it was me.

You?

Why?

Why was I not there that day?

What was so important
that I couldn'’t be there?

I was golfing.

Can you believe that?
I was fricking golfing.

It was a Saturday, Bill.

You were out having a little
bit of fun with your friends.

There'’s nothing
wrong with that.

It wasn'’t your fault.

And it wasn'’t yours.

It was an accident.

It wasn'’t your fault.

It was nobody'’s fault.

It'’s the first time
you'’ve ever said that.

I guess I just didn'’t
wanna talk about it.

Yeah, well, I did.

And I needed to.

I'’m sorry.

I'’m so sorry.

I'’m sorry too.

- Look.
- Oh, thank God.

Liam!

What are you doing?

Hi.

I'’m just getting
in my 10,000 steps.

You'’re getting your what?

You get
in this car, silly.

Buckle up.

You know what I'’m gonna
do when we get home?

I'’m gonna bake us a batch of
those Rudolph the Reindeer pastries

you guys love so much.

Oh, boy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you think you'’re doing?

We'’ve been over this, slick.

You don'’t cross till
you hear the word "go."

Go. There.

How many times do I have
to say this? I am in...

Oh, my God!

Slow down! What was...

No! Children!

Hey! No!

Hey! Do your
job, you banana head!

I am doing my job.

You don'’t know.

You didn'’t take the course.

Oh. Look who it is.

Mr. Dance-On-The-Stage Guy.

Wow. That'’s a good one.

Are all your insults that good?

Do you just describe something a
person did but in a snarky tone?

Masterful.

I'’ve tried to be nice to you.

And that'’s gotten really
boring and tiresome.

So instead, I'’m gonna
tell you the truth.

You'’re so insecure
about yourself,

rather than develop
any personality,

you bully other kids who
you think won'’t fight back.

You gonna let him talk
to you like that, Aiden?

Yeah, he will, '’cause
he'’s a coward.

Stand up to any bully,

and you'’ll see
their true colors.

Deep down, they'’re just...

We done here?

Yeah. I'’m good.

Good.

Gentlemen.

All right, students.

Let'’s flip the on switch
to your medulla oblongatas.

Now, I know this is the last
day before your Christmas break.

Whoo!

But your frail little minds must not
wander into the land of sugarplums.

Has anyone in here actually
ever had a sugarplum?

Hmm? That tasty
17th-century delicacy.

Other than me, obviously.

Liar. You are a liar, son.

I want you bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed

as we discuss probably one of the
most overrated books in history,

To Kill a Mockingbird.

Now, if I was publisher, I would'’ve
titled it To Kill a Manuscript.

Oh, Mr. Turner,

is your head in
the clouds again?

Don'’t start with me today,
bud. Not in the mood.

What did you just say to me?

Did I stutter?

Mr. Turner, what on earth
has gotten into you?

I'’m just getting
tired of your act.

My act, is it?

Yeah, constantly
putting down great books

to help you feel better
about your own failures.

I mean, what have
you ever written?

Nothing, right?

Nothing good, anyway,

or you wouldn'’t be a
sixth-grade English teacher.

Wow. That was quite the
kill shot there, Liam.

You actually might have a point.

Certainly, my father and ex-wife
would agree with your assessment.

Emma.

Emma, wait.

What?

Oh, I wanted to apologize

for running out in the
middle of our date.

Don'’t worry about it.

Gibby told me your mom
needed you at home.

You wanna walk home together?

I don'’t think so.

Oh.

Um, why?

You were a jerk.

What?

In class with Mr. Charles.

You were totally soul-crushing.

You called him a failure in
front of the whole class.

You know, I broke up with Aiden
because I thought I found someone nice.

Turns out I was wrong.

You'’re nothing but a bully.

Goodbye.

We'’re gonna go back-to-back. On
three. We'’re doing bubble judging.

We'’ll see who... Dad,
can you count to three?

Yeah. One, two, three.
Spencer, that'’s...

Count down. Okay, ready?

All right, Mom'’s
gonna count it down.

Three, two, one.

Guys, on one. Okay.
It'’s a duel.

I didn'’t know what was
happening.

I'’m gonna catch it. I'’m gonna
catch it. It'’s like a hot dog.

Yeah, be very gentle.
Like it'’s your child.

Good job,
Mom. You did so good.

The biggest bubble
that lasted that long.

High five. That was beautiful.
My number one... My number one fan.

I'’m trying to slice these
bubbles. Wait, Liam. Wait.

Hey. Hey.

Whatcha doing?

Nothing.

Just watching old
videos of my brother.

You have a brother?

Yeah.

Well, I used to.

Spencer, he, um... he died.

What?

Why didn'’t you ever tell me that?
You wouldn'’t let me, remember?

You wanted to talk about the
Impossible Burger lasagna.

Oh, by the way, I
tried it. It is good.

Oh, crap.

I'’m so, so sorry.

That'’s a rough one, man.

Thanks, Gibby.

I'’m really sorry about
what I said the other night.

I know you weren'’t trying
to, you know, with Emma.

I would hope not.

What kind of monster
do you think I am, man?

It'’s Satan'’s fault.

He made me suspicious.

Isn'’t that one of
the seven deadly sins?

Are there really seven?

What chance do we have?

Actually,
it'’s my fault too.

I should'’ve never fixed your
teeth without your permission.

I was drunk with power.

Well, I'’m sorry too.

I kinda suspected

you were the one who,
you know, fixed my teeth.

You did?

Come on, I'’m not an idiot.

I guess I just didn'’t wanna admit
that Satan was helping me too.

Yeah, I guess there is a
bit of a stigma to that.

I was being a jerk.

I mean,

you used your last
freebie wish on me.

You could'’ve fixed your
own physical malformities,

but instead, you thought of me.

That'’s pretty cool.

What physical malformities?

Huh?

Anyway, Merry Christmas, Liam.

You too, Gib.

You'’re a good friend.

Right back at ya, bestie.

So, what do you think
happened to Satan?

Meh, I'’m sure he'’s back
down there, sitting on his throne.

Welcome back to hell,
my loyal subject.

I trust you traveled safely.

Yes, your lowness.
Thank you for asking.

It was a smooth trip, indeed.

I was being facetious,
you dumbass.

Not only did you go rogue
without my permission,

you also failed miserably
on your mission.

I can'’t take that kid'’s soul.

W-W-Why not?

I'’ll tell you... ...why not.

'’Cause you screwed the pooch.

That was only once, and I
was going through a thing.

First of all, ew.

And I mean you
screwed up big time.

So, your deal with this
kid, Liam, is null and void.

Null and void?

- Mm-hmm. It'’s a legal term.
- I know that.

No. I don'’t know
if you know it.

'’Cause when I said "null and void,"
you said "null and void?" Like that.

Like you didn'’t have
any idea what that meant.

- I know null and void.
- Hang on a second.

Just out of curiosity, what-what is
the definition of null and void, hmm?

Null and void, I think
it means, like...

"Null" means, like, "no."

And "void" means...

I mean, "void" means
"null and void."

You know, null and void.

Okay, so, null and void
means "null and void"?

Yes.

That'’s like saying hippopotamus
means, uh, "hippopotamus."

Okay, I don'’t
know null and void.

But how did I screw up?

I got him to ask for the
three wishes, fair and square.

They'’re supposed to be
evil wishes, you moron.

Or at least shallow
and greedy wishes.

He asked me to be with a cute
girl. That'’s shallow and greedy.

Yeah, but, I mean, you
tricked him into it.

Oh, come on. He wanted
her. You know that.

Okay. Maybe he did. All right.
I'’ll give you that one.

But the other two were definitely
pure and for the benefit of others.

I mean, how the hell am I supposed
to work with someone like that?

Plus, B-T-Dubs, you got a
soul under false pretenses.

But that'’s our MO.

Since when do we not operate
under false pretenses?

You pretended to be me.

Never. I never said I was you.

I explained how there was
no way that I was you,

that there was only
one real Satan, you,

and how the rest of us
just aid and serve you,

but that, without question, you, your
lowness, are the one and only big D...

You'’re lying.

Yeah. I mean, of
course.

I'’m a liar.

Now, take off those
bullshit horns already!

Oh. Yeah. Uh...

I was just wearing them
until I earned my real horns.

Yeah, well, that'’s
not happening.

You'’re not getting horns, and
you'’ll never be a real demon.

What? Come on!

Can'’t you just give
me one more shot at it?

That kid was a
tough nut to crack.

I tried everything.
He was incorruptible.

Look, no offense,
but just... I mean...

It'’s just not a good
fit anymore. You know?

What are you talking about? I
busted my ass for you for centuries.

I understand,

but some "demigorgons"
and demidemons

are just not meant to
be full demons, okay?

Sorry.

It'’s not me, it'’s you.

Seriously?

You have one hour to
say your bye-byes.

Wow.

Tootles.

That'’s the first time
I'’ve ever said "tootles."

I-I never say that.
Just so you know.

That was the first
time I said "B-T-Dubs."

Satan?

No, it'’s Santy Claus.
Open the window!

- Deal'’s off.
- What?

The deal'’s off. I
can'’t take your soul.

What are you talking
about? Why is it off?

I decided I didn'’t want it.

Why didn'’t you want my soul?

Uh...

Wasn'’t my type.

It'’s a long story. The bottom
line is, you have your soul back

and you'’re never
going to hell. Sorry.

Wait. If you didn'’t
have my soul,

then how was I able to
talk trash to Mr. Charles

and the crossing guard

and stand up to Aiden?

Kinda.

That wasn'’t me.

You were finally
standing up for yourself.

Though I did think you were
a little hard on Mr. Charles.

You thought so too?

A little.

Wait. Why would you come all the
way here just to tell me that?

Um, I'’m considerate.

Satan isn'’t considerate.

That'’s a stereotype.

Satan can be complex.

I mean, I can be complex.

You don'’t have your...
You'’re not Satan.

Uh...

I never said I was.

Yes, you did. Numerous times!

Sorry.
Caught me in a lie.

I knew you weren'’t
really Satan.

Why would Satan stay at
the Red Rum Motor Lodge?

They got free Wi-Fi.

And I like their croissants.

So, who are you?

I was just a low-level demon.

"Demigorgon."

A fraud.

So that'’s it?

Yep. You get to keep your soul

and you'’re never
gonna go to hell.

And thanks to your candy-ass wishes,
I'’m banished from hell forever.

Oh, geez.

I'’m so sorry about that. I...

Ah, it'’s all right.

Hell ain'’t all it'’s
cracked up to be.

Talk about your horrible bosses.

Anyway, kid,
Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas to you too.

I'’m sort of
ashamed to admit it,

but I really enjoyed hanging out
with you and getting to know you.

You'’re a good kid, Liam.

Thank you.

You'’re very welcome.

And I like Emma
too. She'’s a doll.

And Gibby...

How much fun was that seeing him
with those new teeth? That smile.

Did you see that joy, that
little glimmer in his eye?

That kid'’s got a heart of gold.

His old teeth, yikes.

You could open up a bottle
of beer on those chompers.

I mean,
bottle of pop.

So, what are you gonna
do with yourself?

For Christmas? I usually order
Chinese and watch some hoops.

No. I mean, like, for good?

Oh.

I actually feel like I'’m
starting a new chapter of my life,

and it'’s pretty refreshing.

It'’s a totally
different career path.

Anyhoo, I gotta
go now.

Oh, yeah!

One more thing.

Your third wish
was null and void.

What? What do you mean?

Don'’t ask me about
null and void.

It'’s a legal term.
Very complicated.

The point is you can'’t wish for
something that'’s already happened.

Your parents got back together on their
own, so that canceled out your wish.

- Wh... Really?
- Really.

So it turns out you had
another wish coming.

I didn'’t have much time, so I just put
in what you asked for in your letter.

My letter? I thought you
said you didn'’t read it.

Oh, I was in the bathroom doing my
business and I needed something.

My letter.

I didn'’t know I
could wish for that.

You can wish for
anything you want, kid.

It'’s Christmas.

See ya!

- Rudolph the Reindeer pastries.
- Bill!

Okay, first off, it'’s Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Wha... And these are
actually your all-time worst.

- What?
- They... They look like seals.

- Seals?
- Yeah.

- No, they'’ve got antlers.
- No.

- They'’re anatomically correct.
- Okay.

- I...
- Don'’t... No.

Like, why are
you... I think I nailed the back.

...nice touch, gumdrop
nose...

I think I
nailed the back.

Dear Santa.

I know it'’s ridiculous that
I'’m writing you this letter.

After all, I'’m 11.

But, hey, I figure
it can'’t hurt.

I know this is a
crazy thing to ask for.

Thank you so much. Thank you.
I just... You got it. Yeah.

But if anyone is used to being
asked for crazy things, it'’s you.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- Well, look who'’s up.
- Merry Christmas, buddy.

Why don'’t you go see
what Santa brought you?

I only want one
thing for Christmas.

And I'’m pretty sure

I'’ll only want one thing
for the rest of my life.

Please, please...

can you bring my brother back?

Yes!

Hey, Liam. Merry Christmas.

What are you waiting
for? Open up your presents.

I just did.

What are you doing?

Mom, can you tell
Liam to stop it?

I love you so much.

Okay, okay. I love you too.
Ma, tell him to let go of me.

You know how much Liam
loves Christmas, Spence.

- Get '’em while they'’re hot!
- Oh, no.

- Wow.
- Chef Dad.

So delicious. Thanks.

- Who'’s this from?
- The Harrisons.

From the old
neighborhood? Yeah.

Yeah. I liked them.

They had a skating
rink in their backyard

and the pug who chased pucks.

That'’s right.
God, I miss them.

Remind me why we ever
left Connecticut.

Because you wanted
to move.

- My pony! - What?
- Oh, my God.

I got my fricking pony!

Oh, my God, Bill.

- Oh, my.
- Bill.

Thank you, sweetie.

Me? I...

Oh, okay. All right. Well, I
should be the one thanking you.

Why didn'’t you tell me
you found the tree topper?

I-I didn'’t find it.

Okay, yeah, right.
As if I believe you.

Yeah. Okay. You...

Best Christmas ever.

- It'’s fine. All right?
- Yeah. I think so.

Hey, Gibby. Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Yeah. You too.

So, did it kick in yet, you
being with team Satan now?

No. Long story.

But everything turned out great.

And I got my soul back.

Wow.

Guess what.

Things are about
to get even better.

'’Cause I just convinced Emma
to give you another chance.

Wait. Really? How?
What did you say?

Well, I know she'’s into
the whole sympathy thing,

so I told her about
your dead brother.

Uh-oh.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Hold up.

Slow down, Lance Armstrong.

Oh, I do apologize. I didn'’t
realize there were any cars coming.

Yeah. I'’ll tell you
when there'’s no cars.

Oh, my.

I must say, I appreciate a woman who
is keen to her professional duties.

Now, may I be so
bold as to ask...

Yes?

What is it you'’re
doing here today?

I mean, do they have you
working on Christmas Day?

Oh.

No, I sorta just showed up.

Didn'’t have anything
else going on.

I actually had nothing going on
either, so I... I don'’t know.

I thought I'’d just go
for a bike ride.

- Uh, please, go ahead.
- Right.

Yeah.

You wouldn'’t, by chance, uh,

be interested in heading over
to the Royal Garden perhaps?

Eating some Chinese food.

Maybe watching some hoops.

I think they have the best
crab rangoons in town.

But of course... I don'’t
mean to put you out.

You had me at "rangoons."

Then it'’s a date.

Hop on, milady.

Second thought, uh, how
about we take a brisk walk?

Oh.

Shall I? Yeah.

- Let'’s shove off.
- Let'’s shove off.

You must be from
England. Are you?

Jersey. New Jersey,
actually. Yes.

The Princeton area of course.

That
explains the accent.

Yes. Yes, yes.