All language subtitles for Can-Can.1960.DVDRip.en

♪ I love Paris in the springtime

♪ I love Paris in the fall

♪ I love Paris in the winter

♪ When it drizzles

♪ I love Paris in the summer

♪ When it sizzles

♪ I love Paris every moment

♪ Every moment of the year

♪ I love Paris

♪ Why, oh why do I love Paris?

♪ Because my love is...

♪ Near

♪ Montmartre, Montmartre

♪ Where the throngs and the songs continue

♪ Montmartre, Montmartre

♪ Where Paris on a spree gets in you

♪ Montmartre, Montmartre

♪ Where the quail never fail to win you

- ♪ Where they say, "Oop-la!"
- ♪ "Where are you going, Papa?"

♪ Montmartre, Montmartre

You'll never make it.

♪ Montmartre, Montmartre

♪ Where the quail never fail to win you

♪ Where we say, "Oop-la!
Where are you going, Mama?"

♪ Montmartre, Montmartre

♪ Montmartre

Merci.

Cordon Rouge 1890, messieurs.

- Sounds potable. Thank you, Andre.
- Yes, an excellent year.

1890.

Let me see, there was...
Rachel and Marie... and Rachel again.

That was a beautiful year.

For me, 1882 was more memorable.

That long ago?

No, no. No, you don't. Other people might buy
your wistful retired-from-life act, but not me.

I happen to know
about a certain lady on the Rue Avignon.

Well, one tries to stay amused.

And one succeeds, no?

♪ We are maidens typical of France

♪ In a convent educated

♪ From the wicked clutches of romance

♪ We have all been segregated

♪ We're all very pure
We wash our dainties white

♪ We all try to do exactly what is right

♪ We all go to church

♪ We all say our prayers

♪ And if, when we dance,
we show our derrieres

♪ It proves that, even when we dance

♪ We are maidens typical of France

Don't point. It's rude.

- Charming. That is Simone?
- No, no. That is Claudine.

I'm saving her for a rainy day.
But she is not Simone.

This Simone, has she anything to do
with the surprise you promised me?

- She certainly has.
- Good. I love surprises.

So does Simone.

In fact, she'll hardly speak to me
if I show up without one.

Andre.

Simone. I'd know your perfume anywhere.

Francois! Diamonds!

- Well, some of them.
- Beautiful.

Think she'll like it?
She's very particular, Fifi.

Fifi? Fifi-who-Fifi?!

You airways tease. Put it on.

Go on, hurry, put it on.
Then introduce me to your friend.

No, no, no, take your time, Francois.
I'm in no hurry.

Allez-oop.

Oh, Francois!
You'll never know how grateful I am.

Yes, I will.

Jewellery on my garter.
Makes me feel irresistible.

Oh, mademoiselle,
resistance to you is unthinkable.

And un-French.

It's a shame, though - no one will see it.

I wish I could believe that.

This is Monsieur Barriere,
this is Mademoiselle Simone.

- Delighted, mademoiselle.
- I've heard so much about you.

- Lies, all lies.
- No, no, nice things from Francois.

Oh, but Francois is a gentleman.

You know what I'm doing?
I'm sitting on diamonds.

Imagine me sitting on diamonds.
It's quite a sensation.

- Simone.
- Oh. This is bad?

No, but it's not the sort of thing
done in royal circles.

Say, what's holding up the you-know?

The cancan. It'll be there in a minute.

- The cancan?
- That was the surprise. She spoiled it.

Now, now, now, wait a minute.

The cancan is against the law.
You know that, Francois.

- You mean you don't want to see it?
- Of course I do. Who doesn't?

But a man in my position, if it becomes
known that I watched the cancan...

What does the law call it?
"A lewd and lascivious performance."

What could I say?
How could I defend myself?

You needn't worry.
No one will ever know.

- But suppose the police arrive?
- The police will not arrive.

Do you think I'd have
you caught in a raid?

Francois has taken
care of the police.

Believe me, I cannot afford
to have this place of mine closed.

- You are sure?
- I am 2,000-francs-worth sure.

Well, I cannot approve officially, but...

What are we waiting for?

Good.

See? I told you,
they never arrest the waiters.

Francois, this could have been very bad.

I don't understand it.

Ow!

Simone!

I will bite you again and again!
You told me everything was arranged!

- It was arranged!
- Then someone must have re-arranged it.

The Police Correctional Court
is now in session.

It will be noted for the record
that today Judge Merceaux and myself

will be joined by a colleague transferred
to this court from the 14th arrondissement.

I am most pleased to welcome
Judge Forrestier to our judicial family.

Thank you. It is a privilege to become
a member of such a distinguished family.

First case. Bring in the accused.

Order!

- The accused will remember where they are.
- Who could forget?

Where is the attorney for the defence?

I'm coming, Your Honour.

You are late.

I am sorry, Monsieur le President. I spent
the night in... consultation with a client.

Let us proceed with the charges.

The prisoners are charged with violation
of the Pubic Morals Law of 1790,

in that they did willfully perform
a lewd and lascivious dance

calculated to inflame the minds, souls
and moral fibres of the spectators.

We did?

(Judge bangs gavel)

May I ask who filed this complaint?

We did, Monsieur le President. We represent
the League Against Filthy Dancing.

Are you aware that all complaints
must be signed by an official of the court?

It was signed, Monsieur le President.

It was? By whom?

- By me, Your Honour.
- By you?

Why, yes. It was a complaint
brought by responsible citizens.

Oh.

And this is the complaint that you signed?

Yes, it is.

Well then, since the complaint is in order,
we will proceed with the trial.

Where is the
prosecuting attorney?

He is ill, Your Honour.
Confined to his home.

That's true.
I saw him an hour ago - he's gravely ill.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear it.
Are there any witnesses?

No, Your Honour.

Your Honour, since the prosecutor's absent
and there are no witnesses to the said dance,

I propose a dismissal.

One moment, Your Honour, please.
Where are the officers who made this arrest?

Summon the arresting officers.

- There are only two of them present.
- Where are the others?

Your Honour, this is not a very important
case, so we didn't think...

Since when do the police
decide which cases are important?

But...

When you made the arrest
did you see any of the dancing?

No, monsieur.
I was outside, guarding the exit.

- And you? Were you inside?
- Oui, monsieur.

- Then you saw the dancing?
- I object.

With all due respect,
he is presupposing a fact.

- Objection sustained.
- I shall rephrase the question.

- Did you see the dancing?
- Non, monsieur.

Why not? You admit you were there.

But I have trouble with my eyes.
I suffer with an ailment. It is called...

- Perjury, maybe?
- Just a moment.

I object to that as being
an unjust and irresponsible accusation.

Your Honour, I know this good man,

and I happen to know he suffers
from a severe case of astigmatism.

Yes, astigatism, yes.

Sustained.

When you made the arrest surely
you took down testimony from witnesses?

Your Honour, did you ever try to take down
testimony while arresting a cancan dancer?

Now, really. I suppose you also failed
to collect any witnesses' names?

Yes, Your Honour.
Because in the struggle I lost my pencil.

This is astounding. Obviously not one of you
is performing his duties properly,

or you'd offer
some kind of evidence for a conviction.

Since it is the learned magistrate's opinion
that there is no evidence for a conviction,

I move that the case be dismissed.

- Any objection?
- No objection.

Judge Forrestier?

Well, Your Honour, under the circumstances...

Case dismissed. Recess.

All right, girls, come on...

Very good.

Very good.

Mademoiselle, perhaps a little closer to...

- But by all means, monsieur.
- No, no, no, no.

We were asked to do this for the newspapers,
not for postcards.

Hold it.

Arh!

- Where'd everybody go?
- No, no, no! You wiggle, all of you!

You will have to hold still.

Ah, Judge Forrestier. Hello.

My friend the defence lawyer.
What a pleasant surprise.

- I planned to visit you in your chambers.
- A business matter?

No, to get acquainted with the new judge.
I'm a friendly type.

And you like to have friends at court,
so to speak?

It's a little early, but my clients and I
were celebrating. Won't you join us?

I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

- But they're such lovely clients.
- Yes, they are indeed.

And they don't hold this morning against you.
They like you very much. Don't you, ladies?

- Certainly.
- Not me.

You see? They love you.

We may never get along, you and I, but
we certainly won't if you take me for a fool.

- I take people as I find them.
- Yes, I know you do. I've met your type.

Nothing matters but having a good time.
I know you very well.

When I think of the things you're missing -
the wonderful...

Oh, yes, wonderful, wonderful.
Wine from a lady's slipper.

Dawn in a strange bed.
Intoxicating intrigue. Romance.

Romance in gay Paris.
Spare me the rest of the cliches, will you?

I never thought I'd hear a Frenchman say
things are more important than romance.

Unfortunately, some things
are more important.

How can you ignore love when
so many of your countrymen have died for it?

As you know, duelling is against the law.

That's true. But...

♪ The law must be tempered with reason

♪ Not to love should be considered treason

Nonsense.

♪ When love comes in

♪ And takes you for a spin

♪ Ooh-la-la-la

♪ C'est magnifique

♪ When every night

♪ Your loved one holds you tight

♪ Ooh-la-la-la

♪ C'est magnifique

♪ But when one day

♪ Your loved one drifts away

♪ Ooh-la-la-la

♪ It is so tragique

♪ But when once more

♪ She whispers, "Je t'adore"

♪ C'est magnifique

♪ But when one day

♪ Your loved one drifts away

♪ Ooh-la-la-la

♪ It is so tragique

♪ But when once more

♪ She whispers...

♪ Je t'adore

♪ Formid'

♪ Je t'aime

♪ Sensas

♪ Mon amour

♪ Ring-a-ding-ding-ding

♪ C'est magnifique

Ah, that was a good one!

Very... very instructive.

Ladies, you are now immortal.
We must go now. Come, come.

- Your Honour, I bid you good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

Oh, I have one question. If you plan on being
a monk, why don't you shave your head?

And if you want to be what you want to be,
why bother to be a lawyer?

Has anyone ever told you that a judge
needn't be a judge 24 hours a day?

- Good afternoon, monsieur.
- Afternoon, Jacques. Keep your lens clean.

- Evening, Your Honour.
- Is the wagon here?

- Yes, monsieur. Back out of the way.
- Fine.

We will enter separately.
You will sit with him.

When you see me remove this flower from my
lapel and drop it, take the picture. All right?

Yes, sir.

As soon as the flash goes off,
that's your signal to start the raid.

- Understood, sir.
- We will be ready, sir.

Table six. Never saw him before.
Could be a detective.

Shall I throw him out?

No. He might be a real customer.

- You stay close. I will go see.
- Mm-hm.

- Good evening.
- Hello.

- You'd like to buy me a drink?
- By all means.

- My name is Simone.
- Mine is Marcel. Marcel Ayonais.

- You've not been here before, no?
- To my regret.

- What will you have?
- Champagne?

- Perrier-Jouet 1887.
- Yes, monsieur.

You must be very rich, no?

As Chateaubriand said, the state rests
upon the acquiescence of the poor.

That settles that -
you're certainly no detective.

Were you expecting one?

When one runs an establishment
such as this, one has to be careful.

- I can imagine.
- What do you mean?

Only that detectives are like everyone else -

always trying to take advantage
of a poor vulnerable girl.

It's the truth. You have no idea
what I go through here. Smoke?

No, thank you.

- You mind if I do?
- No.

- Does it shock you?
- Not at all.

But isn't it bad for the lungs?

What do you think?

In my profession, I never give an opinion
without examining the evidence.

- What is your profession?
- Wine taster.

- Bordeaux?
- No, Limoges.

- Limoges?!
- Don't make a face.

Everyone can't be born in Paris.

I like you.

You could not afford
not to like your customers.

I'm a businesswoman,
but not at this moment.

Then maybe you will do me a favour.

- I just became a businesswoman again.
- This is a business favour.

I was told I might see the cancan here -
the real cancan.

Is that true?

If not, I will try somewhere else.

You see, I have only this one night in Paris.

- You will see it.
- Oh, I don't believe you.

- Why not, you don't believe me?
- You could not get away with it.

This place doesn't make enough money
to bribe all the policemen in Paris.

Foolish man! It doesn't take money.

- Really?
- No, of course not.

The district chief is mad for Helene -
she's one of my girls.

You will find the brigadier
around Genevieve's little finger.

True, sometimes we must pay money,
but more often than not... a kiss, a little wine.

- It's that simple?
- Simple?

It takes much organisation to find out who
wants which from whom and who wants who.

Then as soon as I get my list competed,

some stinker switches
the whole brigade to another precinct.

I'm from Limoges.

So?

A list of what it takes to bribe every gendarme
in the district - no one could have such a list.

I'm from Limoges,
but that doesn't make me a tourist.

You sound like
you'd like to make a little wager.

- 1,000 francs.
- 1,000 francs?!

It's perfectly all right. I will...

What...

- Do you do this every night?
- No, no, no. We're closed on Sundays.

Why are you in Montmartre? You're good
enough for Les Ambassadeurs or Maxim's.

- You been to those places?
- Of course not.

- About this 1,000 francs now...
- Hm? Yes?

Still want to make a little bet?

Show me the list and it's yours.

For 1,000 francs, I'd show you anything!
Well, almost anything.

Come with me.

I will get it. This way.

- The judge!
- It is!

Come in.

This is my boudoir. It's also my office.
I do most of my work here.

No one knows how to open this safe but me,
and I always forget the combination.

Why don't you write it down
on a piece of paper?

I tried that once.
But where would I hide it?

I put it in between... down here,
but somehow it got into unfriendly hands.

Well, then put it under your mattress.
It ought to be safe there.

I knew I liked you.

- Mademoiselle Simone.
- Yes, Andre?

Pardon me, monsieur.
I must speak to you immediately.

- One moment.
- No, immediately.

I said one moment.
I'm about to win 1,000 francs.

- Mademoiselle...
- There, that's got it.

- What are you doing?
- You must come with me right now.

- Andre, are you crazy?
- It is of vital importance.

- What'd you do that for?
- You don't want to leave it open, I'm sure.

All right, if it's that important.
Pardon me one moment.

Simone...

- What is it?
- Do you know who you've got in there?

A gentleman from Limoges.
He made me a wager.

No! That's Judge Forrestier, the man
who signed the complaint against us.

- That's ridiculous. It can't be.
- But it is.

- There is no doubt.
- What's he been saying to you?

He just made me a little wager
that I didn't have a list of the gendarmes...

Oh.

Oh, he's a clever one!

Andre, you'd better tell them
to hold the cancan.

What are you going to do?

Work on him.
Work on him. What else?

I hope it wasn't bad news.

No. Not really.

I should've expected it.

- Can I help in any way?
- Oh, no, thank you.

It's too late now.
Thank you just the same.

You don't want to settle the bet?
I'd like to see that mythical list of yours.

Let's forget about the list tonight.

Besides, the news I just heard has driven
the combination right out of my head.

It must have been very distracting news.

That's putting it mildly.

What are you staring at?

Why don't you sit down and have a drink?

There's not much point
in my staying any longer, is there?

Do you mean to say
all you care about is my list?

That's not very flattering.

With a face like that, you should not.

- What's the matter with my face?
- It's a mirror.

It betrays every thought
that goes on behind it.

I was just thinking I should get out
of these silly clothes. Will you wait?

Are you sure you want me to?

But of course.
We're just beginning to know each other.

It's drafty in here. Do you think
you'd be able to close my window?

Certainly.

Good.

It's funny, I've never met a man
who could close that window.

I don't know why it seems so important to me.
I even dream about it sometimes.

- Why don't you get a carpenter?
- I don't think I'd be happy with a carpenter.

Simone?

- Oh, excuse me.
- It's all right. She's in there.

- Who was that?
- I think a musician. I don't know.

It doesn't matter.
How are you doing with that window?

- You still need a carpenter.
- I thought so.

- You like it?
- Very becoming.

Can you do up my back?

Certainly.

- Something bothering you?
- No.

Why? Are my hands cold?

A little.

I'm sorry if they feel unpleasant.

I didn't say that.

Simone, you know who I am,
and I know that you know.

Now, you're a nice, hard-working girl
with a bright head.

Why do you insist on fighting the authorities?
You're not equipped to fight them.

You almost let a total stranger trick you
into giving up a vital piece of evidence.

A girl that naive
has no chance against the police.

I don't care. I think it's a stupid law.

What harm can a simple little folk dance...

- Folk dance?!
- Yes!

- It can close your cafe and put you in jail.
- Only because of people like you.

Why do you come in here and sneak around
like some detective? It's not your business.

- Bribed policemen are my business.
- Then go arrest them and leave me alone.

Simone. Simone, you're silly.

The people like the cancan. They come here
and expect to see it, so I give it to them.

What are you doing?

Feeling sorry for you.

Forgive me. I... I don't know why I did that.

You could not help it. Could you?

♪ When love comes in

♪ And takes you for a spin

♪ Ooh-la-la-la

♪ C'est magnifique

No, no, please, not again.

♪ When every night
your loved one holds you tight

♪ Ooh-la-la-la

♪ C'est magnifique

Why must I be bombarded by this song?

♪ But when one day

♪ Your loved one drifts away

♪ Ooh-la-la-la

- C'est magnifique?
- No.

♪ It is so tragique

♪ But when once more

♪ He whispers...

♪ "Je t'adore"

♪ C'est magnifique

Do you still want to arrest me?

I never did. And now less than ever.

What would you like to do with me?

I haven't decided.

I think you have.

Perhaps you're right.

- If only I could trust you.
- Trust me how?

Not to hurt me.

As long as I have a choice,
I would never hurt you.

- Mademoiselle?
- Yes, Andre?

May I see you for a moment?

Oh, I'm a businesswoman again.

If you wait downstairs,
I will join you there in one minute.

- Please do. We have much to talk about.
- I will hang on every word.

- Well?
- My first judge.

The girls are all ready.
Shall I cancel the dance?

No, of course not. From now on
we have nothing to worry about.

Good, good.

Arturo's waiting for instructions.

- Thank you, jailer.
- Sir.

You look like a broken umbrella.

Oh, come, come.
I'm your lawyer. You can talk to me.

Where have you been?

Now, now. I've brought bail.
I will have you out of here in ten minutes.

12 hours! 12 hours you let me sit here!

Where were you at 4am?
I sent a messenger to your apartment.

I was there all the time. I didn't hear a thing.
You know I'm a sound sleeper.

You were with some silly little model?

You know, you are a lousy lawyer
and an unreliable lover.

I am not a lousy lawyer.
But I do have an idiot for a client.

Putting on an illegal performance
before a police-court judge

who's sitting there roosting
right at a ringside table.

And you knew he was a judge
because Claudine told you he was.

- Well, he lied to me.
- So what? You've known liars before.

What made you so gullible all of a sudden?
His big brown eyes?

Well, I...

I believed him because I thought he liked me.

Oh, you did? So that's what's
been going on behind my back.

Oh, it was business! I hate him!
It was business.

Shrewd business.

May cost you 10,000 francs.
Plus losing your licence for about two weeks.

10,000?!

That's pretty expensive goo-goo eyes
you've been roiling.

- Ah. You're letting her out?
- Judge Forrestier wants her brought to him.

- Who cares what Judge Forrestier wants!
- Shh, shh, shh. Shh.

Are you sure that the good judge
asked for her personally?

Yes, like I told you.
Come along.

- Let go of me!
- Shut up. Shut up, Simone.

I need a little more time with my client
for consultation. I will call you in a second.

As you say.

I smell an opening. I think that fish-eyed
law book is worried about something.

Now, if you will be honest with me,
I will show you how we can save 10,000 francs.

- I'm always honest with you.
- Fine.

I want every possible detail,
whatever happened last night.

Did he kiss you?

Francois! How can you say that?

- Do you want to save 10,000?
- Yes, he kissed me.

Where did he kiss you?

- On the lips.
- No, no. I mean in the boudoir...

Francois!

I'm your lawyer.
You can say anything you want to me.

- That's a privileged communication.
- What's that?

That means nobody will ever know
what you said except you and your lawyer.

Not even me - well, personally, that is.

- Look, I swear I will never throw it up to you.
- It wasn't that terrible.

All right. Now, I want to know every fact
around how he behaved.

I will be him. What happened?

- You sit here.
- There? Mm-hm.

I, uh...

I was... sitting on his lap.

Oh, fine.

- And that's when the kiss happened.
- Well, come on, show me.

No, no, no, no.
Exactly... the full time of the kiss.

Hold it, hold it.

Where were his hands?

I don't think he had his hands on me.

I can believe that.

Obviously that ball of fire
had his hands in his pockets.

Now, you were seated on his lap like this and
the kiss lasted for about five seconds. Right?

That's right. I'm sorry.

- If I only had a reliable witness.
- A witness...

Andre came in. He saw us.

- Are you sure?
- Yes. He spoke to us.

You just saved yourself 10,000 francs.
Jailer!

- What are you going to do?
- Get fixed up best you can. I will be right back.

Don't go away.

Yes?

- Oh, come in. Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Can you spare me a moment?
- Certainly.

Thank you.

What can I do for you, sir?

First, not be so formal.

- Drop the "sir"?
- Please.

- Cigarette?
- No, thanks.

Yes?

There was an interesting item
in the paper this morning.

- About the Bal du Paradis?
- Mm.

- Apparently it has been raided again.
- Apparently.

I knew this was going to be difficult.

Then let me say it for you.
You want me to be lenient.

My friend, the best judge
is the one who judges as little as possible.

I agree.

Don't you ever drink a little too much wine

and chase after young ladies
who are known to run slowly?

Look, I may not go dancing
up and down the Champs-Elysees,

but privately I have as much fun
as any Frenchman in Paris.

Privately?

Yes. I don't see the need to prove to
the whole world that I'm having a good time.

And I do?

No, that's not for me to judge.
It's a matter of taste.

Oh, I see.

Now you're a judge of taste.

- You make me feel ancient.
- Really?

It seems so long ago that I felt
I had to teach everyone how to live.

But doesn't someone have to teach them?

No, Your Honour.

♪ You just have to let them live...
and let live

♪ Be, and let be

♪ Hear, and let hear

♪ See, and let see

♪ Sing, and let sing

♪ Dance, and let dance

- ♪ I like Offenbach
- I do not.

♪ So what, so what, so what?

♪ Write, and let write

♪ Read, and let read

♪ Love, and let love

♪ Breed, and let breed

♪ Live, and let live

♪ And remember this line:

♪ Your business is your business
and my business is mine

Sometimes I think
all conversations ought to be sung.

It's so hard to quarrel with a melody.

If you listen carefully, you will find it
just as hard to quarrel with the world.

- ♪ Live, and let live
- Live and let live.

- ♪ Do, and let do
- Do and let do.

- ♪ Hear, and let hear
- All right, but sue and let sue.

- ♪ What for? Drink, and let drink
- If you can hold it.

♪ Play, and let play

- Within limits. But I think you overdo it.
- I do not.

♪ So what, so what, so what?

♪ Pray, and let pray?

♪ Sure, but slip and let slip

♪ Dress, and let dress

♪ That's fine, but strip and let strip

- ♪ Live and let live
- ♪ Live and let live

♪ And remember this line:

- ♪ Your business...
- ♪ Is my business

- ♪ And your business...
- ♪ Is mine

♪ Your business is your business
and my business is mine

Paul, you are right. As a matter of fact...
I should have told you this earlier,

but Durnais' client
doesn't need any leniency.

I've decided early this morning that...

Pardon me. Come in.

You sent for me, you marvellous man!

Oh.

- Simone, may I introduce...
- Good morning, Monsieur Barriere.

How do you do, Simone?

- You two know each other?
- Uh...

- You two know each other?
- We certainly do.

This is the nicest thing
that's ever happened to me.

Now, be still.
Just for one minute you will be still?

Excellent.

Oh. I see.

- Did you get it?
- Perfect.

Good!

Ah, my dear Paul.

It would seem your friend the crusader
is in a bit of a jam.

Francois! These are magistrates' chambers.
You're acting in contempt.

- Call it disgust.
- Francois.

No, Paul. I know what I'm doing.

I doubt it. That picture, for instance. You will
not be permitted to leave the building with it.

- No?
- No.

Well, if I cannot get it out,
apparently it will do me no good, will it?

Emile!

Someone caught it.
I don't know who it is, of course.

Does this man really want to be disbarred?

He has me worried.

Why do you imagine
you can behave like this to a magistrate?

Ah, but he's not a magistrate now.
He's a defendant.

A defendant, am I?
What an inventive fellow he is.

- May I know the charge?
- The charge.

Oh, I don't know...
Invasion of privacy, breach of promise...

Anything that'll give us a chance
to tell our story to the papers.

- I'm sure they will find it interesting.
- They certainly will.

They can illustrate it with that picture
I could not get out of the building.

Francois, you'd better have a good excuse
for your conduct. What's the story?

Yes, I'm curious too.

Mademoiselle Pistache, give the gentlemen
an idea of what happened.

Yes.

He offered me 1,000 francs
to take him to my boudoir

and show him something
he had absolutely no business seeing.

Then he forced his attentions on me.

I fought and struggled and pleaded,
but to absolutely no avail.

- He had the strength of a thousand devils!
- A compliment at last.

Then it was quite clear
that if I didn't submit to his evil desires,

he'd use his power to persecute me!

Well, what could I do?

Submit, by all means.

Submit?! Submit?

- Never! Never in a thousand years will I...
- Simone. Simone, Simone.

Just a general idea.
We will write the story later.

Yes.

So I... Well, I refused and I went to jail.

What happened to the strength
of a thousand devils? Did I weaken?

- My virtue robbed you of your strength.
- We must remember that line.

It's a good story, isn't it? Simple,
classical, vivid... The public will eat it up.

Probably. It's certain to embarrass me,
at the very least.

- And what do you plan to do about it?
- To Simone, nothing. She's a nice girl.

She isn't capable
of inventing all that dirty nonsense.

But you I shall have disbarred and indicted.

You should change your mind.
When you do, let me know.

Just a second. Simone...

The reason I sent for you
is that I made a mistake last night.

- Paul, you're a witness.
- Be quiet, will you?

I said I wold not hurt you if I had a choice.

You misunderstood me.
You thought I was promising immunity.

That was why you presented the cancan,
and why you thought I lied to you.

- Don't talk, Simone.
- Yes, don't talk, he's right. Just listen.

I was stupid to have made a statement
you could so easily misinterpret. That's all.

And for that reason, I'm going
to withdraw my complaint against you.

- You're what?
- That's very prudent of you.

As you know, Paul,
my decision was made early this morning.

I know you well enough to accept that.
And your decision could not please me more.

Thank you.

Do you mean I can keep my 10,000 francs
and my cafe stays open?

Yes.

- Francois! Francois, you're a genius!
- Of course. I've known it all the time.

Goodbye, children.
I'm delighted no blood was shed.

- Come on, let's celebrate.
- Francois...

Would you wait for me a moment?
I'd like to thank Judge Forrestier.

All right, but keep your guard up.

I'm awfully sorry I thought you were a prune.

You're forgiven.

And I'm sorry I lies about last night.

At least you now have a picture of us -
or Emile has.

Maybe you could get me a copy.

I was right last night, wasn't I?
I knew I liked you.

Thank you.

Uh...

Here's a kiss I really mean.

"The State versus Simone Pistache."

♪ You do something to me

♪ Something that simply mystifies me

♪ Tell me, why should it be

♪ You have the power to hypnotise me

♪ Let me live 'neath your spell

♪ Do do that voodoo
that you do so well

♪ For you do something to me

♪ That nobody else can do

♪ It's mystifying

♪ Hypnotising

♪ Let me live 'neath your spell

♪ Do do that voodoo
that you do so well

♪ For you do something to me

♪ That nobody else

♪ That nobody else

♪ No, nobody else

♪ Can do

Francois...

You have my undivided attention.

You know, I'm... growing
fonder and fonder of you every day.

Mm, that's nice.

Tell me something.
You thinking about the same thing I am?

I was thinking about marriage.

- Went down the wrong way.
- It always goes down the wrong way.

Will you please tell me why?

I will tell you why.

Because I'd much rather
be in love with you than marry you.

Could not we arrange to do both?

No, sweetheart, we can't,
if you want to be realistic.

Look, in my opinion the biggest reason
in the world today for infidelity is marriage.

Eliminate marriage, and you will never see
any such thing as an unfaithful husband.

Cut off your legs
so you will never have flat feet.

Go ahead, be funny. I thought
you wanted to discuss this seriously.

I do, but eliminate marriage?!
We can't discuss it seriously then.

Well, let me finish.

- I'm the lawyer, right?
- Yes.

Now, I see the seamy side of marriage -
the point where it's beginning to break up.

In each case
the history's exactly the same -

after about a year's time
the man discovers another girl.

Now, he can't spend much time with his
new puff because he'd have to lie to his wife.

So what does he do? He lies.

And then he feels guilty,

and he doesn't want to see his wife any more
because he doesn't like feeling guilty.

So two people
who were once in love with each other

are now separated,
unhappy and miserable.

And why? Because they were stupid enough
to get married in the first place.

It's beyond me.

Guess I never really thought of it that way.

It's the only way to think about it, darling.
Direct, straight from the shoulder.

Oh, you monster! The way you twist
everything around to get your own way!

- Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?
- No, it doesn't. Not to me.

Of course it does, sweetheart.
Why get married and lose each other?

Let's just be in love. It's more fun.
Everybody does it.

Why, even in France
the best upper sets do it.

♪ Lithuanians and Letts do it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love

- Oh, I've heard that before.
- ♪ In old Japan all the Japs do it

♪ Up in Lapland, little Laps do it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love

I know.

♪ The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it

♪ Not to mention the Fins

♪ Folks in Siam do it

♪ Think of Siamese twins

♪ In shallow shoals
English soles do it

♪ Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love

♪ The chimpanzees in the zoos do it

♪ Some courageous kangaroos do it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love

♪ I'm sure giraffes on the sly do it

♪ Even eagles as they fly do it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love

♪ Electric eels, I might add, do it

♪ Though it shocks 'em, I know

Argh!

♪ Why ask if shad do it?

♪ Garcon, the shad roe

♪ The world admits bears in pits do it

♪ Even Pekingeses at the Ritz do it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love

♪ The royal set sans regret did it

♪ And they considered it fun

♪ Marie Antoinette did it

♪ With or without Napoleon

♪ Parliament, pleasure-bent, did it

♪ Mademoiselles, every time
they're short of rent, did it

♪ Let's do it

♪ Let's fall in love

- Well, how much did we lose last night?
- Not too bad, mademoiselle.

We will never get this place paid for.
What's this?

200 francs just for sugar?

- The pastry cook, you will have to speak to him.
- Speak to him? I will bake him!

What's this chromo?

Toulouse-Lautrec.

It's yours, mademoiselle.

You didn't? Not again!

But he is a fine painter. And he didn't
eat much - 3 francs, 40 centimes.

I don't care, Andre. I want the money.
I have a cellar full of this trash!

- Hello again.
- Oh, hello.

- Good afternoon, sir.
- Good afternoon.

- Will that be all?
- Yes, Andre.

Bring me the accounts
as soon as you've balanced them.

- I certainly wasn't expecting company.
- You look very nice.

Thank you, but I'm sure I look a fright.

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

Is anything wrong? We won't do the cancan
for a while, if that's what's worrying you.

- Oh, I'm not worried.
- Not worried...

Well, would you like to have a drink?

No, thank you.
All I'd like right now is to ask you a question.

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

Oh...

I'm terribly sorry, but I have an engagement.

Could not you break it?

You wold not want me to have trouble
with my gentleman friend, would you?

Of course not. Of course.

I'm very sorry.

It's quite all right.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Simone?

- Don't you ever knock?
- But... there's no door.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.
I suppose I do wear less when I'm dancing.

- Simone, about your engagement tonight...
- Yes?

I could meet you afterwards.
Say, about eleven.

I'm sorry, it just wold not work out.

- Twelve, then?
- No, really, I can't.

Well...

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

- Simone!
- Argh!

Simone, I can't stand it. You are not going out
with another man. I won't allow it.

Judge Forrestier, please! I'm not dressed!

- Never mind that. Answer my question.
- What question? Will you please...

I love you! I love you.
That's the question.

- And you will answer it before I leave this room.
- Answer what? How?

Don't pretend you don't know what to say
when a man says he loves and wants you.

Oh, I see. A proposition.

Say you don't love anyone else.
Swear you never will love anyone else.

Take your hands off me.

The way you men maul me,
just because I run a cafe!

It's insulting, that's what it is.
It's insulting.

Look, Simone, you're taking to a man
who's been a bachelor for 32 proud years.

I've resisted marriage all this time.

Now you come along,
I get stuck, I can't sleep,

I'm asking you to marry me,
and you call it insulting?

What, please,
would you consider a compliment?!

- You mean you're asking me to marry you?
- Yes! Yes, I am! I am!

I don't understand it, but I am.

With my whole heart I'm asking you.

Pardon me, I have to sit down.

I've never had a proposal before -
of marriage, I mean.

I like that. I like that very much.

It shows I'm the only smart man
in the world.

- A genuine proposal...
- Yes.

I was beginning to think
it might never happen.

Oh, now wait. I don't really know you.

I don't know you any better.
That's what makes it fascinating.

Madame Forrestier...

It is a lovely name.

Perfect.

Oh, you must be out of your mind.

Madame Forrestier, don't talk, please.
Hold still.

- For you to ask me to marry you is crazy.
- It's the craziest thing I've ever done.

But Judge Forrestier...
Oh, my. What's your first name?

Philippe. Do you like it?

Philippe... Yes.

Oh, but I must be honest,
I haven't fallen in love with you.

Of course not. You admitted learn.

- That's what engagements are for.
- But I'm in love with someone else.

Naturally. Everyone falls in love once or twice
before they get married.

You will forget him in no time.

Oh, but you're a judge.
You're a judge and so respectable.

I'm just... a dance-hall girl.

Are you a liar? Are you cheap?
Are you a thief?

- Of course not!
- Then you're respectable and decent.

You're as good as anyone on earth and better
than most - and I will never let you forget it.

Oh.

Oh, I think maybe
I could fall in love with you.

Simone...

We are going...

Simone, what a good time
we're going to have.

Now, I will call for you in an hour.
We will have dinner at Avenonville.

Oh, and by the way, from now on
never entertain a man in a towel, hm?

Oh.

- Good afternoon.
- Same to you, my good fellow.

Thank you.

Hey there, first prize.

Where's my French pastry?

- What are you doing?
- Francois...

- What was that hanging judge doing here?
- Francois...

He had an awful hot gleams
in that cold eye of his.

Were you sitting around here
in that thing while he was here?

- Yes. Francois?
- What do you want?

Will you marry me?

You'd better refresh me again.
Didn't we settle that question wearier?

I suppose we did.
I can't have dinner with you tonight,

I don't want to see you any more,
and I don't want you as my lawyer.

Hold it. I can understand you're trying to
break a date, but let's not get carried away.

I mean everything I'm saying.

Let me see. I left you at 3:30
and we were in love. It's now 5:30.

I understand that these things don't last
a lifetime, but should not it taper off a bit?

Will you not argue, please?

What could've happened
between then and now?

I haven't lost weight, no scandal in the
papers, my pants aren't on backwards...

Don't talk about pants in front of me!
I'm respectable.

- What's wrong with the word "pants"?
- You said it again!

Now listen, I'm not cheap,
I'm not a liar and I'm not a thief.

I want to be treated with respect.

Are you taking to me
or are you making a speech?

Look, something is obviously upsetting you.
If you tell me about it, I will try to fix it for you.

I find that highly amusing!

You'll fix it for me? Pardon my mirth.

What'd you do, swallow a flute?

It might interest you to know
that I am going to marry.

- Congratulations. Anybody in particular?
- Very particular.

Don't use that old trick on me.
Women have tried to use that before -

telling me they're marrying someone
to put the pressure on me.

If I'd fallen for that,
I'd have been hooked twelve times.

- You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?
- I just know what I know.

You might also be interested
to know his name.

It happens to be Judge Philippe Forrestier.

Don't say that, even in fun.

So please take your departure, my good man,
or I may have to summon aid.

You know, I believe it's true.
You're even beginning to sound like him.

Simone, if you want to jump off a bridge,
I won't stand in your way.

But I won't let you marry this man.
I would never forgive myself.

Why? Because he's decent
and honest and fair?

No, because I know you.
You'd go mad.

And besides that,
he's a big flannel-mouthed bore.

If you want to punish me, go ahead.
Cut off one of my fingers. Go on, pick one.

If it was your tongue, I might be tempted!

All right. We will have it your way.
I'm leaving.

And I will not be back!

There are other young ladies in Paris
as attractive and charming as you are

and a damn sight more sincere!

- Sincere?
- Sincere.

Sincere! I'm surprised that word
doesn't turn to stone in your mouth.

What are we fighting about?

You know I'm crazy about you.

- Not enough to marry me, you're not.
- What's marriage got to do with it?!

I understand marriage
has something to do with love.

When a man loves a woman
he's willing to give her his name.

Names! Names don't mean anything.

The widest woman I ever met
was named Prudence.

And why do they call
all the crooks Honest John?

I even knew a girl
who called herself Virginia.

For heaven sakes, go away.

All right, Simone. I will leave.

And this is permanent.

Nothing is ever permanent with you.
You're too selfish.

Francois!

- What is it?
- Oh, la-la. What are you mad at?

Not you, sweetheart.

Ah.

- Mind if I have a drink?
- Pull up a chair.

I'm lonesome.

Oh, no, none of that. I will take Cognac.

You're too cute a girl
to be spending a lonesome afternoon.

Francois. You always say something nice,
but you never do anything about it.

What are you thinking?

What a rainy day it is.

- Rainy? Oh, but it's a beautiful day.
- That's what I said.

You know, Francois,
I could be very helpful in a crisis.

I believe you could.

But I'm sorry, sweetheart.

♪ It's the wrong time

♪ And the wrong place

♪ Though your face is charming

♪ It's the wrong face

♪ It's not her face

♪ But such a...

♪ Charming face

♪ That it's all right with me

♪ It's the wrong song

♪ In the wrong style

♪ Though your smile is lovely

♪ It's the wrong smile

♪ It's not her smile

♪ But such a lovely smile

♪ That it's all right

♪ With me

♪ You can't know how happy I am

♪ That we met

♪ I'm strangely attracted to you

♪ There's someone
I'm trying so hard to forget

♪ Don't you want to forget someone too?

♪ It's the wrong game

♪ With the wrong chips

♪ Though your lips are tempting

♪ They're the wrong lips

♪ They're not her lips

♪ But they're such...

♪ Tempting lips

♪ That if some night

♪ You're free

♪ Dear, it's all right

♪ Yes, it's all right

♪ With me

♪ Though your lips are tempting

♪ They're the wrong lips

♪ They're not her lips

♪ But they're such...

♪ Tempting lips

♪ That if some night

♪ You're free

♪ Dear, it's all right

♪ Yes, it's all right

♪ With me

Philippe. Ha-ha!

Do you know what you said
to the prosecuting attorney

when he asked for a writ of certiorari?

You said, "Yes, dear."

"Yes, dear"! To the prosecuting attorney!

That's Montmartre over there, on the hill.

I know. I know where Montmartre is.

I know it as well as anyone in Paris.

Lovely sight.

Do you always throw your pen
out of the window?

That was my cigarette.

Philippe.

Philippe, who is she?

I know, I know.
Ooh-la-la-la, c'est magnifique!

- You don't mean Simone Pistache?
- I do. I do.

Simone's going to marry me.

- Marry you?
- Yes. Yes, me.

Not your friend Francois Durnais. Me.

Oh...

But you cannot marry her.

Amplify that statement, will you?

Better still, I will condense it:
goodbye, career.

Marry a cabaret entertainer
and the city council will forget your name.

- The councilmen aren't all snobs.
- Their wives are.

What about Councilman Lagouche?
His wife used to be the biggest...

But Lagouche was elected,
not appointed like you.

- If I have to, I will get elected.
- Philippe, you have background, ability.

I just can't sit back and watch you throw
your future out of the window like your pen!

Paul, Paul, you've forgotten
your own philosophy.

♪ Live, and let live

Yes, but think, my boy, think.

Take care! Take care!

♪ Drink, and let drink

♪ Dance, and let dance

Yes, but not with Simone.

- I think she's right for me.
- I do not.

♪ So what, so what, so what?

- ♪ Play, and let play
- With your own set.

- ♪ Sing, and let sing
- You've got me upset.

- ♪ Shout, and let shout
- You're going mad.

- ♪ No, glad! I'm so glad!
- This is bad.

♪ I hate to mention it, Your Honour,
but remember this line:

- ♪ Your business...
- ♪ But such business!

♪ And my business is mine

♪ Your business is your business

♪ And my business is mine

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.
I was told I might find Monsieur Durnais here.

Monsieur Durnais is right there, sir.

500 francs. Pay me.

- Take it. I wold not have done that for 5,000.
- You have no faith in your fellow men.

- Francois.
- Ah, Paul.

Sit down, sit down.
Did you catch my act?

- You must be starved for diversion.
- Well, I concede I'm a bit moody.

Francois, I have to talk to you.

What are you going to do about
your friend Simone and Philippe Forrestier?

Nothing. Not a thing.

How can I compete
with a man who's willing to get married?

It's like playing cards with a cheat.

- There are ways to outwit a cheat.
- Like what, Paul?

You tell me, Francois.
You're the schemer.

I've thought about murder,
suicide, chronic alcoholism,

but none of those things satisfy me.

No other schemes?

Yes, one more. Forget she ever existed.

Ah, no. No, no, no, no.

That's called giving up,
and you love her too much for that.

There must be some way
to prevent this impossible marriage...

Paul...

- An inspiration?
- Mm...

Would you give them an engagement party

and invite all of the social bigwigs in Paris?

But Francois, I'm against this marriage.

So am I, Paul. So am I.

- Oh, Philippe, I don't know.
- Don't be nervous. They're just people.

I've never had stage fright before.

It's such a distinguished party, isn't it?

So distinguished,
it might be difficult to keep awake.

- Good evening, my dear.
- Oh, gracious host!

So gratified, I assure you.

- How are you, Philippe?
- Fine, fine.

- This is a marvellous idea for a party.
- It is, isn't it?

My dear Philippe! I am so happy for you.

- Is this your enchanting fiancee?
- Yes.

The Duchess de Grimont,
may I introduce Miss Pistache.

Nice.

So gratified to encounter you,
Your Grace, I assure you.

Particularity on such a distinguished boat.

Witty, too. May I borrow
your fiance for a moment?

There's a lady here who thought she was
going to get him. I want to depress her.

A little later?
I'd rather not leave Simone.

Oh, no, Philippe, please.
You mustn't refuse her graciousness.

Run along, run along. I will just stand here with
Paul and enjoy the distinguished gathering.

I will be back.

- May I get you a glass of champagne?
- Oh, I'd be so gratified, I assure you.

- Simone. How are you, sweetheart?
- I will find a waiter.

And what are you doing here?

Celebrating your betrothal,
just like everyone else is.

I do not wish to seem unfriendly
in my great hour of happiness,

but get out of here, you louse!

Sweetheart, you're a little nervous.
Calm down.

I know I'm nervous, Francois.
You're not helping things any.

Champagne?

Here, try this - this might.

Thank you.

I will take these.
The days are getting shorter.

A little tense out, isn't it?

- Francois, I'm really terrified.
- I know. Try another one of these.

- But I just had one.
- Trust me. Drink it.

The secret of these grand parties
is to be natural - helps you relax.

A few more of these and you will get a feeling
you're in your own cafe.

Ready, darling?

- Well, good evening.
- Congratulations. You're a very lucky man.

Very nice of you to say so.
Will you forgive us?

Pardon me.

De Musset, perhaps, or Verlaine.
But Baudelaire, he is no poet.

"Desire, that guttering candle
under the rump of night" - it's so effortful.

- Which poet do you prefer, Miss Pistache?
- Me? Uh, the first one. He's my favourite.

I agree. Which work?

Work?

Oh, I just remembered, I've left my hankie.

I will be right back.

- Anything wrong?
- Oh...

You're jumpy.

- Francois, I'm desperate.
- What's the matter?

I don't know. I can't seem to talk
to those people in there. De Musset and Ver...

- Verlaine?
- Verlaine.

I never heard of those names.
They must think I'm just a terrible dummy.

That's because you're trying
to be something you're not.

- I am a dummy.
- Have a little more wine, dummy.

I've never had so much to drink in my life.
I don't even feel it.

You know, these people
are crazy about entertainers.

They really like performers, really they do.

I was just thinking, remember the routine
you made up at Yvette's birthday party?

- It was great. Just great.
- Yvette's birthday party.

- That was a wonderful party.
- Remember the routine?

That routine...
I don't think for these people, Francois.

- Why not?
- Well... Not for these people.

Would I steer you wrong? Let me
tell you something: I know these people.

They're probably so bored
that they would love to be entertained.

You'd have them in the palm of your hand.
You'd own them all.

Oh, Francois... Really?

- You scared?
- Scared?

Have some more courage.

Well...

Ladies and gentlemen... If you please,
may I have your attention?

It is my pleasure to introduce to you
the guest of honour, Mademoiselle Pistache.

Judge Forrestier's fiancee
would like now to entertain you

with a number that
I don't believe you've ever seen.

If you will just be seated and make a little
more room, she's ready to entertain you.

Mademoiselle Pistache.

♪ From down to up

♪ About this town

♪ I've drunk my cup

♪ From up to down

♪ But being a connoisseur

♪ And a great social pet

♪ The circle which I prefer

♪ Is the dilettante set

♪ If you want to pass
through the gilded gates

♪ Where the bourgeois
meet the sophisticates

♪ To exchange their views
and to compare their mates

♪ Come along with me

♪ If you'd like to dine with an old marquis

♪ Who will swear that technically he is free

♪ But his wife's the only technicality

♪ Come along with me

♪ Come along with me, my pretty

♪ Let me open your eyes

♪ In this great big wicked city

♪ It is folly not to be wise

♪ And if any night, baby, you would care

♪ For an unconventional love affair

♪ I will improve your mind
if you will let down your hair

♪ Come along, come along

♪ Come along with me

♪ There's a prince whose home
has become a must

♪ For the lower men of the upper crust

♪ Cos his high-born wife
has such a low-cut bust

♪ Come along with me

♪ There's a king who's on the town, dear

♪ Who imbibes round the clock

♪ He will show you his gold crown, dear

♪ When he gets his crown out of hock

Whee!

Whee!

♪ Come along

♪ Come along

♪ Come along with me!

Simone.

Simone, please, don't be upset.

Simone.

I will kill him, Philippe.
The minute I see that Francois I will kill him.

And I will go to the guillotine a happy woman.

But, Simone, you'd be leaving
a very unhappy man.

Philippe, you mustn't even talk to me.
I don't deserve to be talked to.

Oh, Philippe, I disgusted your friends.

Oh, they were absolutely disgusted.

Who cares. They disgust me.

I will break his head open.

Simone, nothing has happened
that matters the least bit.

Oh, but Philippe, I humiliated you
right in front of your friends.

I showed them what a stupid, cheap girl
you want to marry.

No one's allowed to criticise
Madame Forrestier, not even you.

But I did. I humiliated you
right in front of your friends.

Philippe, I don't belong with those people.

I took this distinguished boat
and I turned it into a cheap, low-class saloon.

"Distinguished boat."
That's the most lovable phrase I ever heard.

I will kill Francois!

Simone, look at me. Look at me.

Let's do something better
than killing Francois.

Let's show him how little he means.

We will walk back to the salon and let everyone
see how unimportant their opinions are to us.

I can't go back there again!
I'd never go back there.

Just smile at them, Simone, just smile,

and in 20 minutes
they will be drinking toasts to you, believe me.

Just believe me.

I will fix my face, then.

That's my girl.

Come.

All right.

You wait outside.
I will be out in a little while.

Good.

I'm proud of you.

Simone? Simone?

- Coffee?
- No.

Cognac?

She hasn't been to her home,
no one's heard from her since the party.

She may be dead, Paul!
She might have drowned!

Don't be dramatic. She feels ashamed
and doesn't want to see people, that's all.

That doesn't explain her hiding from me.

A man to see you.
He says he's Andre, the head waiter.

- Andre? Well, send him in.
- Come in, Andre.

Good evening, monsieur. Mademoiselle
Pistache asked me to deliver this personally.

Andre, where is she? Is she all right?

She is quite all right, sir.
This goes with the letter, sir.

Andre, wait.

- Where is Miss Pistache? Please.
- I am not allowed to tell, sir. I'm sorry.

Well, what does it say?
You can read faster than that.

"I know you can make Philippe understand."

"Please tell him I'm still not a liar,
I'm not cheap and I'm not a thief,

but I'd be all three if I married him now that
I know what a mistake it would be. Simone."

"PS. This is the first piece of jewellery
I ever returned to a man."

That girl has style.

I don't call that style. You don't break up
because some stuffed shirts snub you -

not unless you're as big a snob as they are.

Oh, it's over.
Don't go on torturing yourself.

I don't know how to stop.

You're not the first to have that problem.

♪ As Madame du Barry once said
to her boyfriend, "Fare thee well"

♪ As Columbus announced
when he knew he was bounced:

♪ "It was swell, Isabelle, swell"

♪ As Abelard said to Heloise

♪ "Don't forget to drop a line to me, please"

♪ As Juliet cried in her Romeo's ear:

♪ "Romeo, why not face the fact, my dear?"

♪ "It was just one of those things"

♪ Just one of those crazy filings

♪ One of those bells
that now and then rings

♪ Just one of those things

♪ It was just one of those nights

♪ Just one of those fabulous flights

♪ A trip to the moon on gossamer wings

♪ Just one of those things

♪ If you'd thought a bit
of the end of it

♪ When you started painting the town

♪ You'd have been aware
that your love affair

♪ Was too hot not to cool down

♪ Say, "Goodbye, dear, amen"

♪ Here's hoping you will meet her again

♪ It was great fun

♪ But it was just one of those things

♪ Just one of those things

♪ Poof!

The plaintiff alleges that...

Durnais speaking. Hello?

Oh, Claudine.

Simone what?

Well, you needn't yell.

Simone is on her way to see you.

I don't like to gossip,
but I think she's going to shoot you.

- What gave you that idea?
- She did. She said so to Arturo.

I thought you might be interested.

Thank you, Claudine. I am, in a way.
Yes, thank you very much.

Any time, cheri.

Uh, yes.

I'm not in to Miss Pistache.
In fact, I'm out of the country.

Now, you go out and protect you job.
Dead men pay no Christmas bonuses.

- She's coming in now.
- Has she got a gun?

Well, maybe. She's carrying a box.

Go, go, go.

Good morning.

I would like to see Monsieur Durnais.
It's important.

- He's not in.
- I will wait.

- But he won't be back for a long time.
- I'm in no hurry.

He's out of the country.

I don't believe you.

- Go ahead, shoot.
- Oh, Francois.

I wold not want to hurt my best friend.

Well, a little bird told me that you came
over here with homicide on your mind.

I will admit at first I wanted to
hack off your head, but after a while I...

- Well, I think it was all for the best.
- Oh.

Well, what about Philippe?

I haven't seen him.
We're no longer engaged.

- Well, congratulations are in order!
- Don't.

We should be celebrating our getting together
again. This is a big moment, honey-face.

Don't, Francois.

- I've decided to do without men for a while.
- You've decided to...

Oh, that's not my little birdie taking.

- I didn't say forever.
- Well, then I will be patient.

I'm concentrating on one thing -
making money.

Thank heaven.
I thought perhaps you might have changed.

The Quat'z'Arts Ball committee
called the other day.

They say if I can handle it,
they will let me give the ball this year.

Say! That's a big coup.

I could make a small fortune,
if you'd help me.

- How much?
- 15,000 francs.

You got it.

All right, but I don't want any favours.
Only a business deal.

What are you making a fuss for?
Just take the money.

No, a strict business deal.

This is the deed to my cafe -
security for the loan.

Why bother with...

If you don't want to do it my way,
we will just have to forget it.

OK, we will do it your way.

Now, if you will sign right there,

you will hold the title
until I can pay back the money.

- My name is already there.
- Mm-hm.

You know, since you've been going around
with that judge, you sure got pretty legal.

I will give this back to you
as soon as I have the change of title recorded.

Anything you say, sweetheart.

- There you are.
- Thank you so much.

Good day, Francois.

I just wanted to tell you
I'm sorry if you've been unhappy.

Good.

Frankly, I want you to be sorry.

Bye-bye.

Ladies and gentlemen of the four arts,

we would like now to present
for your entertainment

a ballet based on the story
of Adam and Eve.

"Why Adam and Eve?" you may ask.

Well, we chose Adam and Eve because we
would like to remind the police department

that sin was not invented in Montmartre,
it was only perfected here.

Splendid, Andre.

Aaarh!

Aaarh!

Hey.

How's my little French pastry?

- What do you say? This the night?
- Philippe...

Biggest bottle I could find, sweetheart.
Bring another glass, huh?

- Philippe, please go away.
- Hey, wait.

I brought you a cat. Her name's
the Duchess de Grimont. Like cats?

She's very cute, but please...

Better like this cat.
She's got a diamond necklace.

Oh. It's very pretty.

Hey, you too can be an animal lover.
Just takes a little coaxing, huh, first prize?

- What do you say?
- Goodness, I've never seen you drunk before.

- I'm not drunk.
- Well, you're not yourself.

Why should I be myself?
You don't like myself.

You like flip, sophisticated fellows
with a lot of fast answers.

You like men who know how
to make you laugh, and then treat you badly.

Well, that isn't so hard to learn.

Now crawl out of that skin, will you?
We're going to thrill the tourists at Maxim's.

Forget about this ball here - it's rolling.

What you laughing at, French pastry?

You sound just like him. You're funny.

- What's the matter?
- The cat! She's scampered for the pawn shop.

Hey, cat! Fat cat!

Where are ya? Fat cat with the loot!

Ah, there you are, there you are!
Little baby.

Keep a firm grip on this beast.
It has a message for you, sweetheart.

Oh, my!

- Do you know what you just did?
- Sure. Closed the stupid window.

I think maybe I was wrong about you.

No argument, birdie.

Oh, I mean you and me.
It might not be such a bad mistake after all.

Don't... don't rush me, birdie.

I mean, if I really make you happy,
then I wold not be wrong for you, would I?

Yes, sweetheart, you would.

According to the people that count,
you sure would.

But who cares!

♪ It's the wrong time

♪ And the wrong place

♪ Though your face is charming

♪ It's the wrong face

♪ But it's your face

♪ And such a charming face

♪ That if you might... agree

♪ Dear, it's all right

♪ Yes, it's all right

♪ With me

Ring-a-ding-ding-ding.

Let's get out of here, honey.

All right, Philippe.

I have something to attend to first, though.

I will be half an hour.
I will meet you at Maxim's.

You can bet on it, birdie.

Hey, Eve, about that apple...

Francois. I hope
you're having a pleasant evening.

- You do?
- Well, not really.

He may be long on law,
but he sure is short on charm.

Hey, who closed this window?

Philippe.

Philippe, huh?

- Now I'm worried.
- You have reason to be worried.

Look, I'm getting tired of that cold-shoulder
treatment and I decided to take steps.

Now step number one...

Darling, it's the mate to the other one.

Oh, my, Francois! Isn't that lovely!

- Oh, thank you!
- I knew you'd like it.

That's lovely. You're going to be arrested.

- Isn't that pretty?
- I love it. Thank you.

I'm going to be what?

Arrested. In 30 seconds.
I've made all the arrangements.

Oh, you poor girl, your mind's crumbing.
It's the strain of keeping away from me.

- Remember that deed you signed?
- Yes. What about it?

Well, when you signed that deed you became
the proprietor of this establishment.

Now, when I go out and tell Arturo
to start the cancan, this place will be raided.

I know because I fixed it with the police.
Now, the police usually arrest the proprietor.

And you, dear sweet darling Francois,
are the proprietor.

You wold not do a thing like that.

No, not for about another ten seconds.

Look, this is not just a weekend in jail
or a fine. I could be disbarred.

Ha! I know. Excuse me.

Wait a minute. I know I've been a little
rough on you - cos I didn't want to lose you.

That's where we differ.
I do want to lose you.

Wait a minute!
You're not giving any signals tonight!

The hell I'm not!

Simone!

Simone! Simone!

Help.

Call the first case.

The City of Paris versus Francois Durnais.

Monsieur Durnais.

May it please the court,
I ask permission to act as my own attorney.

May I remind you, Monsieur Durnais,

that an attorney who represents himself
is said to have a fool for a client.

Thank you, Your Honour, but I still believe
that it is better than having a fool for a lawyer.

No objection.

Your Honour, Monsieur Paul Barriere,
the eminent president of the court,

has abstained from sitting today so that he
might give testimony as a character witness.

I call Monsieur Barriere to the stand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Monsieur, will you tell the court what
you know of the character of the defendant?

Monsieur le President, Your Honours,
I have known the defendant for many years.

He is an excellent lawyer,
a credit to his profession,

and a good good friend.

Whether or not he's guilty technically,

I ask the court to bear in mind
that a sentence of guilty

would automatically result
in his professional ruin.

And I do not think the city of Paris
is so rich in legal talent

that it can so casually lose the services
of a gifted and honourable attorney.

Thank you.

The court is grateful
to have Judge Barriere's opinion.

And the defendant thanks you, Your Honour.

I would like to call
Mademoiselle Pistache to the stand.

Mademoiselle Pistache.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

- Your name?
- Simone.

- You have a last name?
- Of course. You know I have a last name.

May the court hear it?

Simone Pistache.

Are you the Simone Pistache
who owns the Bal du Paradis?

No, I'm not.

Oh, that is a different Simone Pistache?

If there's another Simone Pistache,
I don't know her. I don't see...

If my questions confuse you...

I am not confused!
You haven't asked me anything intelligent.

I will begin again.

Which Simone Pistache
do you state you now are?

The one who, until four days ago,
owned the Bal du Paradis,

at which time
it was taken over by another party.

- "Taken over"? You mean bought?
- No.

Oh, you gave it away as a gift?

No.

Well, perhaps you
put it up as collateral?

What does that mean?

It means a pledged of payment.

Oh.

Let us say that you needed
a great deal of money desperately.

And let us say there was a young man
who loved you very much.

And this young man was eager to lend you
the money for no more collateral than a smile.

But you said, "No, monsieur, I refuse.
You must accept the cafe as security."

And this young man, rendered witless by his
affections for you, accepted your terms.

Monsieur Durnais,
your supposition is not a question.

It isn't a supposition either.

The court is not interested
in why you own the cafe.

It merely wants to learn
whether or not you do.

Miss Pistache, if there is a deed
giving title to Monsieur Durnais,

may the court see it?

Oh, the deed...

You have such a deed?

The deed... Um...

Do you have the deed?

- No.
- What?

No. I lost it.

- When did this happen?
- Just now.

I just remembered, I lost it
on my way running to catch a carriage.

I move that the case
against Francois Durnais be...

Just a moment.

Miss Pistache, is there a chance
of your finding the lost document?

Uh...

No, Your Honour. No. Once I make up
my mind to lose something, I never find it.

You haven't forgotten that you're under oath?

I always tell the truth, Your Honour.

Well, except...

Except?

Well, sometimes it takes a little while
to learn what the truth is.

I see.

That is all.

I move that the case against Francois Durnais
be dismissed due to lack of evidence.

Motion granted. Case dismissed.

- Your Honour!
- Yes, madame?

The fact remains that this vile dance
was performed at the Bal du Paradis,

and whoever is guilty must be punished!

- May I intervene, Your Honour?
- By all means.

Madame, have you ever seen the cancan?

Why, certainly not!

Well, then may I suggest that the court
adjourn to the Bal du Paradis this evening

and take an official look at... at the crime?

An excellent suggestion.
Court is adjourned.

Yiii-ha!

Aaarhh!

Well, what's the verdict?

- Are you offended in any way?
- Do you still want to ban it?

Ban it?

- I want to learn it!
- I will teach you!

- A toast to Madame la President!
- Madame la President!

Merci, merci.

Pardon me. I will be right back.

Yes?

Mademoiselle, will you please
step outside for a moment?

What for?

It will save embarrassment.

All right. But no free drinks -
that performance was legal.

Thank you.

Now, what is it?

Mademoiselle,
we have a warrant for your arrest.

- Arrest?!
- Come along.

Wait a minute!
I told you, it was legal tonight!

- Andre! Andre!
- Get in there.

Andre, I want Francois!

This service quick enough for you?

They get you too? What's the charge?

It will cost me about 2,000,
including this wagon.

- What will?
- For rigging a false arrest.

I will smash you, Francois!

- One of these days I will smash you!
- Simone... Stop screaming at me.

Now listen to me.

You were in a lot of trouble a second ago
and you called for me, didn't you?

Now, I love you, Simone. I truly love you.
Now please forgive me.

- Oh, you don't love me!
- I'm willing to make it legal.

You don't love me now, you never have
loved me, and you're going to go on like...

You what?

Francois, honesty?
You mean you want to marry me?

No, I thought I'd just adopt you.

You miserable...

♪ I love Paris every moment

♪ Because my love is near