All language subtitles for Qismat.2018.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]DSGRRGAG

What a load of shit that were.

What a cock-up. The lift got stuck.

Supposed to be doing a DVD tonight.
What a balls-up!

Lights didn't come...
Who were they expecting,

Mick Fleetwood? What's up there?

Fifteen nights in this place!
Look at the bloody size of it!

Look at it, it's huge.

Let's have a look at ya.

Let me borrow that camera,
let's see who we've got in tonight.

Give it us here. Let's have a see. Here we go!

Come on.

Who've we got in tonight? Here we go!
What've we got up here?

He loves it, that lad, look at him!

Oh, my God, he's been upstaged.

Who's that? Have you come with your mum?
Have you come with your mum, there?

Oh, you're all right, love.
Oh, Christ, who's that?

And Bill Oddie's in, there you go.
All right, Bill?

What's happened here, no seats?

You can't sit there, you're a fire hazard, sir.

Don't crouch down, there's 14,000 people
looking at you, what's t' point of that?

Give us a wave.

Oh, there's been a bit of a domestic
going on there, eh?

Don't want to talk about it.

What about over here? Who've we got? Oh!

He loves it, that fellow, look at him.
He's out of his mind!

Look at them teeth. Mother of God!

Shergar!

By the way, this is the show.
I do two hours of this, then I go off.

In case you're wondering.

Good evening, you beauties there.
Look at you.

That's my bread and butter.

I'm loving that chequered top there.
That's a belter, that.

There you go, that's the old Cocoon area
of the show taken care of.

There's my lovely crew back there,
where are they?

Give us a wave. Oh, look at that.

Looks like The Last Supper, that shot there,
with him in t' middle.

What's that? Hello, love!

You seem happy. You seem very happy.
Oh, 'ey-up, then again...

Oh, 'ey-up. You want to have a word
with her in front there,

she's hogging your limelight.
What's she doing? Where's your care worker?

You're out all evening on your own?
What're you doing there, love?

Look at that lady there. She's flattened
a bit of grass, hasn't she, that one?

And With him, With him. Hey!

And her.

Hey, they're all swingers them,
in that row there.

They've had a bit together.

Angelina Jolie without the makeup.
There you are, eh?

Cheers to you, Angelina.

And that's my fantastic audience
for the last night tonight!

Strap yourselves in, ladies and gentlemen,

for 20 minutes of comedy
dragged over a two-hour show.

Here we go!

Special, special.

Oh, yes. Good to be back on nights.

Hello. Got to start
with a bit of sad news, though.

Mate of mine's just been sacked off dodgems,
but he's doing 'em for funfair dismissal.

I ordered a pizza last night, I asked for a thin
and crusty supreme, they sent me Diana Ross.

Can I say that? Dave, can I say that?

What do you call a Welshman
with a stick up his arse?

Is this on? Are you there?

What do you call a Welshman
with a stick up his arse?

- AUDIENCE: What?
- A taffy apple.

Tell the kids tomorrow, they'll love that.

What do Mexicans
put underneath the carpets?

WOMAN: Andale!

Underlay! Thank you, sister.

You bailed us all out the shit then, you did.

Karejokey. And you did the accent.
Where's your sombrero, love?

Wife says to her husband, "You never take
me anywhere expensive any more."

He says, "Get your coat on."
She says, "Why, where we going?"

He says, "Fucking petrol station."

Sorry, Cocoon, sorry for the effing.

"He's blue. Sit down, he's blue.
He's effing and jeffing, he's filthy."

Woman went to doctor's, she had a piece
of lettuce sticking out top of her knickers.

True story, love, true story.

Doctor says, "That looks nasty."
She says, "It's tip of iceberg."

A tsunami of filth!

Fellow says to his wife,
"Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She said, "I don't like ringing you at work."

Right, we'll have a short interval and
I'll see you in a bit. Thank you very much.

I'm joking. Thanks for coming tonight.

Always helps having an audience.

Thanks for buying a ticket.

Tonight, technically you are my employers
tonight. What do you think about that?

- There you go.
- (WHOOPING)

Judging by that prick,
I wish I'd thrown a sickie.

You can't throw a sickie in this game,
not when you're self-employed.

It's not like when
I worked at t' Cash & Carry.

I can't get Rakim off fruit and veg
to come and tell some jokes for 20 minutes.

Those days are gone. And people don't even
phone in sick any more, they text in sick now.

What's all that about, texting in work sick?

"Up all night, coming out of both ends."
Send. That's it.

Job done. Piece of piss.

Gone are the days of your sick voice.
No one does a bloody sick voice any more.

That used to be a skill, that,
doing your sick voice.

Used to have to get psyched up
and bend over in t' hall,

holding onto t' wall, squint your eyes...

"Don't. Get out, don't.
Don't, you'll make me laugh. Don't, don't."

"Don't, don't, I'm ringing up work sick.
Don't, stay right there, don't make me laugh."

"Don't. Fuck off. Don't."

You had to ring up at 6:00 in t' morning
and tell t' cleaner,

tell t' manager you weren't coming in.

(IN HOARSE VOICE) "Hey, man."

"I work here. Can you put me through
to the manager, please?"

"It's Peter Kay."

"No, it don't sound like me, does it?
I'm really poorly."

"No, I said yesterday I didn't feel well."

That's what you do t' day before,
plant the seed, day before.

"Hot in here, or is it me?"

"I don't think I'll be in tomorrow."

"No, I think it's one of them 24-hour things."

Set your stall out, that's all you want.

Don't be saying anything more than that.

Don't be saying you've had a stroke
or summat like that. Christ!

You've got to follow it up for weeks then.

Going round work, (SLURS WORDS) "Can I
have that stapler, do you mind?"

"Can I borrow that stapler?
Have you got a pen, have you got a pen?"

"What did I say this for?
I only wanted a day off."

If you want a week off, tell 'em a member of
your family's died, that's always a belter, that.

Obviously, obviously one you don't like,
I'm not bloody sick.

My Uncle Knobhead, he died three times
when I worked at Netto.

He were always dying, that fella.

Then he come in and did his big shop.
I got a written warning. Dickhead.

"If you feel better,
will you be in after dinner?"

"Oh, I don't know. Can I ring you back?"

Don't say that! Don't say that!
You want to enjoy your morning off.

Now you've gotta go through same rigmarole
again after Loose Women. Don't say that.

And if you do your sick voice too much,

then you actually start feeling
bloody sick for real.

Next thing you're on t' couch with a duvet
and a bowl of chicken soup.

Psychological hypochondria,
that's what that is.

A lot of blokes suffer from that, me included.

Blokes are murder for... Blokes are
never ill, they're always dying.

They can't just be ill, it's like, "Oh, my God."

I had something in me eye.

Well, you'd have thought I were in early
stages of glaucoma, way I were carrying on.

"I've got a cataract,
I've got a cataract in me eye."

Don't let him go on t' internet and Google it.

I put it in, scrolled down, I saw
the word tumour. Oh, my God, that really...

"Kiss the kids for me, because I am not
gonna see the morning, love.

"I can feel it when I blink, it's like a grape.

(SNEEZES) "Oh, it's just an eyelash,
just an eyelash, love."

I tell you, going to t' toilet,
middle of 't night, walking to t' toilet...

Tripped up. Well, you'd have thought I were
Christopher Reeve, way I were carrying on.

"I can't feel anything from me neck down!"

"Help me! I can't feel me legs!"

Me wife's like, "Get up."

You know what I fell over an' all?
Her shoes. Pissing shoes!

What is it about women and shoes?
Put 'em in t' wardrobe.

What's the matter? She's like Purdey
from New Avengers when she comes in,

giving it high kicks, bang, that's it.

Break your neck.

That's what you want, heel of a stiletto

embedded in t' sole of your foot
at 3:00 in the morning.

It's like a round from Total Wipeout
trying to have a slash in our house.

Fucking Duplo...

Wire coat hanger...
I stood on a wire coat hanger

and that end hook bit went right up
under me big toenail, honest to God.

Ooh, it's not a panto. What's this? "Ooh!"

And what's with t' sympathetic, painful faces?

What you're doing, what's this? "Ooph."

Ooh, that is your face, love.
Oh, I'm sorry, I do apologise.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mother of God.

I drew blood, I had to have a tetanus.

Tetanus, I'd not had a tetanus since
I were in fifth year and I played Jesus

and Kevin Crompton
banged nails in too deep.

I blacked out. I blacked out on t' cross.

They gave me a fireman's lift
to get me down, t' nuns.

And I don't like needles as I've got older,
that's why I've stopped shooting up.

I don't like needles.

I won't go t' dentist
'cause I won't have an injection.

I lost a filling at Christmas, I lost...
Quality Street Toffee Penny, be warned.

Be warned. Laugh, I'm suing 'em.
I'll tell you now.

And I'm suing M&S Blue Harbour
for getting me into jogging bottoms.

Giving me a false sense of security.

So I lost a filling, but I wouldn't go
t' dentist 'cause I don't like needles.

Anyway, left it and left it. It turned
into a bloody abscess. Agony.

It all came to an 'ead when I sucked
on a Slush Puppie at Thomas Land...

It's a drink, love. And I were going...

I went, "Oh, I've gotta get home.
I've gotta get home."

I were in a people carrier with four
under-five-year-olds listening to Wiggles.

And I thought, I've gotta get back home.
So I piled everyone in t' car,

I got on M6, to” road, back to Bolton.

I had me money ready, 4.50. Used to be 3.80.
Robbing bastards.

I went to the automated one,
pulled up, agony with me tooth,

open the window. 'Ey-up, it's electric.
Those days are gone, eh?

None of that any more.

Electric.

Opened me window, got me 4.50,
threw it into t' bucket, missed.

How can you miss? It's that big!

3.50 went in, pound coin went
straight under t' people carrier.

I'm like, "Christ, I've got to get out now."

I can't tell a member of staff
'cause there's no bugger there.

I've got about that much room
to open me door.

It's banging, I can't go forwards,
there's a barrier.

I'm trying to get out and slide down

and, I don't know if you've noticed,
I'm big-boned.

So I'm trying to get down onto me knees.
There's a car behind me, beeping.

"Wait, you impatient prick."

I'm on t' floor 'ere listening
to Hot Potato, The Wiggles.

I can see t' pound coin, it's right
under centre of t' people carrier,

laughing at me.

I ends up... I'm on me knees and the floor's
wet, it's that fine rain, soaks you through.

And I'm lying on the tarmac
on me abscess cheek,

reaching for this pound coin.

I blacked out.

Blacked out.

I woke up in a 24-hour emergency dentist
in Tamworth.

And he were cross-eyed.

He were cross-eyed, this dentist,
swear to God.

I don't mean cross-eyed like that.
You know, when your eyes meet in t' middle.

He looked past me.
You know sometimes you get them people

and they're slightly boss-eyed,
they look past you when they're talking.

Awful, 'cause when he... I woke up, he went,
"Mr Kay." I'm giving it... Proper subtle like.

Awful, 'cause when he were trying to drill

I thought he were gonna go
through my cheek.

'Cause he's looking on t' floor,
I'm sliding down t' chair like that.

I'm here.

I had an X-ray. Have you ever had an X-ray
at t' dentist?

You've got to bite on this bit of plastic
and then put your head in a vice

and then him and assistant
leg it out of t' room and leave you.

I'm like, "Where are you going? Come back."

"No, no, Mr Kay, you stay there."

"Radiation." Like, Christ, where are we,
Chernobyl? What's going on 'ere?

I've got an abscess, fucking hair's coming out
in clumps! What's going on?

Terry Nutkins, Christ Almighty.

Put these goggles on
for flying debris or Whatever,

like he's putting up a kitchen extension.

Then he injects me. "You'll feel a bit of sting."

More of a stab than a sting, lying prick.

He went in,
then his assistant started sucking.

Grow up.

I didn't go private.

He went in and he starts drilling away,

and then, you know, he takes it out

and you have a quick check with
your tongue to see how he's doing.

But your problem is
your tongue magnifies the hole.

I'm, "Oh, my God, how big's this hole
he's drilling here?"

I've only got an abscess, he's putting up
a shopping centre in my mouth, look at this.

There's two blokes stood at t' edge
of me tooth in hard hats,

giving it, "Back here with that skip,
back here, down here."

And he starts using me chest as a workbench.
Honest to God.

I'm like that. Bloody hell, scalpel, hammer,
broom... What're you doing?

Fucking big cup ring on me shirt.
"Get a coaster, get a coaster!"

"Were you dragged up? Get a coaster."

Then after half an hour of absolute bliss,
I had a rinse.

Well, you're all numb, aren't you?
You can't feel it.

(IN SLURRED VOICE) "Oh, fuck it...
Thanks, thanks. Thanks very much, thanks."

Proper embarrassed like.

"You won't have any more problems
with that tooth, Mr Kay."

"Oh, aye, yeah. Thanks, yeah."

Stagger out to reception. "Are you free
in six months on a Tuesday at 4:15?"

"Oh, I don't know where I am, love, right now.
I can't see colours."

"I don't know where I am, love. I can't speak."

"That's £343."

"I heard that, I heard that! For this?

"You should wear a mask and a striped
jumper! What's the matter with you?

(LISPING) "Do you take Maestro?" "Pardon?"

"Do you take Maestro?"

"Who?" "Maestro, do you take Maestro?"

"My what? I can't hear you."
"Maestro. Switch, do you take Switch?"

"Switch card?"

"Switch." "Oh, Switch."
"I said Switch for five minutes, are you deaf?

"Spit all over your counter here, Switch.
It's expired now, it's expired."

"Switch."

And they give you that machine
to put your card in.

They do it in restaurants, then they turn away
like it's a big secret. Put your card in.

Fucking big mirror on t' ceiling.

Me nan just says it, me nan.
She's got PIN number Tourette's.

She's in Sainsbury's doing t' big shop,
"6, 1, 4, 3."

“Shut up, what's the matter wi' you?“

All t' smackheads writing it down.

And I had to go and see t' dental hygienist
as well when I were there.

I don't like seeing them, they just
bollock you for not brushing your teeth.

They make you feel like
Shane MacGowan, it's awful!

And you lie to her, "I promise I'll floss,
I promise I'll floss."

"I'll go to chemist's now and get some floss
and a whistle lolly."

They always sell them at t' chemist's,
whistle lollies. "I'll get a whistle lolly."

"Next time you see me I'll be like
Donny Osmond, next time you see me."

£85 for a scale and polish?

£85 to get sprayed in me own blood.

I came out looking like Carrie, I'm like...

People want that now.

People are much more image conscious
and hygienic. It puts me to shame, me.

I used to have a bath, me,
when I were growing up,

once a week on a Sunday night,
I'd have a bath with Mr Matey.

AUDIENCE: Yay!

He were a widower,
lived three doors down. Lovely fella.

Oh, Brian Matey, always laughing,
always had tap end, salt of t' earth.

If you wanted a hot bath in our 'ouse, you had
to put immersion heater on, on Wednesday,

four days before.

Plan ahead, "Put 'mersion on,
I'm having a bath in four days."

And if someone had a bath before you,
use all your water,

my mum'd come up with a kettle
halfway through, boiled kettle, top it up.

(IMITATING IRISH ACCENT)
"Move to the end of the bath, move down."

"It'll splash you, it'll burn you, move down."

She's not even Irish. "Move down."

(SCREAMS) "I said it'd burn you!"

Third-degree burns. I've got a back
like Freddy Krueger here, me, I tell you.

I'm The Singing Detective.

"Move down."

Wash me hair wi' t' measuring jug.

"I've got shampoo in me eyes,
I've got shampoo in me eyes!"

"Put your head back,
put your head back." Timotei, Vosene.

Vosene in your eyes will kill you.
Like fucking ammonia. (SCREAMING)

Fairy Liquid instead of bubble bath,
shitty Shield soap, used to have that.

And at Christmas Eve she used to get
Imperial Leather. That were posh, that.

Imperial Leather for Christmas.

You get three from a pound shop now.

Imperial Leather,
and by New Year it were just a sticker,

that's all there were left.
No soap, more sticker than soap.

That's what were left.
Try and wash yourself... "Make that last!"

"Fucking hell, what with?
There's no soap, it's just sticker."

Like that in t' bath.

People are much more image conscious now.

You've got blokes, blokes swapping stag dos
for pamper days now.

Having manicures, pedicures, Botox,

balls waxed, everybody talk about
pop music. Look at that, hey?

Me Uncle Knobhead would be turning
in his grave if he were dead.

Again. He don't even wear deodorant,
me Uncle Knobhead. Honest.

He stinks, he's like Gollum wi' BO,
that fella, honest.

He's minging. He won't wear it. He's that old
generation of blokes in their 50s and 60s,

just won't wear deodorant.
I'm like, "Put some deodorant on."

"What's wrong with smelling like a man?"

I'm like, "Men don't smell like tramps'
arseholes. What's the matter with you?"

"Come into the 19903, put some
deodorant on, for Christ's sake."

He likes a tan, though. He does Tantastic
every Wednesday, he swears by that.

People like tans, don't they?
They love being healthy.

People won't even let kids look outside on a
sunny day today without wearing sunscreen.

Honest to God. When I were growing up
it was just Ambre Solaire, sun oil,

and me dad on a sunny day,
me dad, he'd come 'ome from work,

he'd get an emergency chair
and get in t' back yard and lie there.

He'd be like, "Deirdre!
Get me t' Crisp 'n Dry! Come on."

"Burn, burn."

He'd go out playing snooker
smelling like a big chip.

"Burn."

He loved the sun, me dad, which always
made me wonder why we always went Butlin's

for two weeks every year and it always rained.

Only time we ever saw me dad cry
were at Butlin's Filey.

And when he trapped his balls
in a sun lounger.

Oh! Oh, yes.
We went Lloret de Mar, it's over there.

Lloret de Mar, and he got one of them,

there were one of them white plastic
sun loungers at side of t' pool,

but it had a crack right up t' middle of it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gets out of t' pool, sits on it.

But he puts his weight to the back
of the lounger, thus opening the crack.

It were like a mantrap.

Opening. Didn't see a thing,
everything fell through, it's fell through.

Plop. That were it. He's got the family jewels
singing in the wind now.

You know when you've been in water
and they hang lower as well,

about that far from t' concrete now,
swinging down there.

I went past on me lilo,
pissed meself, didn't say a thing.

"This is the life."

"Give me a San Miguel.
Deirdre, where's me sun hat?"

"That sun's rough, where's me sun hat?
Pass me hat there, will you, love?"

"Can't reach. Just pass me... haaaaaaaat!"

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Suffrin' Jesus."

It took five of us to get him
in t' back of ambulance.

Towel wrapped round him,
still sat on t' sun lounger.

"Deirdre, Deirdre, go and pick me dick up.
Get me dick, love."

"Get it quick before it rolls in t' pool.
They can sew it back on. Put it in ice!"

Spent next two weeks kicking his balls
down t' beach like that.

At least he got a tan.

And he hated wasting sunshine, me dad,
on a sunny day.

If he caught you watching television
in t' big six-week holidays,

he'd come in, "What you doing?"
"Watching Karate Kid."

"Never mind the Karate Kid, get that off,
get outside."

"Open these curtains.
They'll think someone's died over t' road."

"What you doing?
Have you seen the bloody weather out?"

"There's not a cloud in the sky.
Don't waste this, don't waste it."

And then when it rained he used to make us
all stand at t' front-room window and watch.

"Deirdre, Julie, Peter, quick, quick, quick,
come and look at this rain."

"Bloody hell, look at this rain.
My God, it's bouncing it down."

"Look at it, it's biblical. Look at that."

"Look at Kathleen's guttering over t' road."

"Look at her guttering, it's pissing out.
Look at her guttering."

"Kathleen! Whoa!
She can't hear me, she can't."

"Your guttering, love, pissing out,
you're pissing out."

"You want to get that fixed."

Then it'd start thundering and lightning
and my mum'd rip aerial out of t' back 0' telly.

"Sacred heart of God! Rip the aerial
out of the back of the television!"

I've never seen t' end of Karate Kid.
Does he win? I wouldn't know.

You know when you get them big storms,
when it's been sunny for a few days

and then it proper lashes it down
and people go, "We need this",

"we're ready for it, we need it,
we need this. Clear things out."

I'm like, "Fuck off."

It's summer, it rains.

Me nan said to me, "Disgraceful,
they want to do something about this."

"They?" "Bloody government."

What are they gonna do, get a big ladder?

"I've never known rain like it."

"You're 89, you must have known rain like it.
What you on about?"

Me nan's fantastic. At 90 in December,
she's still in her warden-controlled flat.

She loves it there. She's got a red rope
hanging from her ceiling

in t' front room still for emergencies.

She's only pulled it once, when she had
a wasp in her front room flying round.

"Everything all right, Mrs Kay?"

"It's not, I've a wasp 'ere"

"flying round, Dougie.
He's a big bugger, he's like a Zeppelin."

He? He's got a cock and balls on him now,
he's that big, this wasp flying round.

I got her a home help, come round
doing some bits round her flat.

She weren't happy with that, like. She
wouldn't talk to her. Then she got chatting.

She was from Germany,

and she said, "Oh, where are you from?
You've got a bit of an accent."

She said, "I'm from Germany."

She said, "Well, I used to make bullets
for Lancaster bombers."

"We're practically family. Sit down.
Want a brew? Want a brew?"

She broke her wrist, me nan.
She fell in town outside Farmfoods.

And she got up... What's funny about that?

Where do you get your kicks, casualty?

She come home with two bags of shopping,
went to t' bus station, got t' bus home,

walked back to her flat
wi' two bags of shopping.

This is a different generation, this,
this is cast iron.

I'm lying on t' bedroom floor
thinking I'm Christopher Reeve

'cause I've fallen over a bloody shoe.

She rings me up, "Peter, you'd better
come up, I think I've broke me wrist."

Think? Fucking thumb's on t' wrong way.
I'm like, "What are you on about?"

It's like The Fly.

I said, "Nan, I'm on me way up now.
Have you got any ice? Put some ice on it."

"Oh, ice, hang on." I can hear her
banging about in t' freezer, like.

"I've no ice. I've no ice."

"Have you any frozen peas?"

"Frozen peas? I've got tinned."

You can't put tinned peas on a broken wrist.

They're always falling over in their flats.

She said, "Did I tell you about Lena",

"falling over and breaking her hip?"

"No-ll"

"Lena, she's fallen over and broke her hip."

"Yeah, I know, you just said."

"Saturday afternoon,
right in t' middle 0' Monk."

"I heard a thud."

"Ambulance men come.
They didn't have a key for her front door,"

"they had to kick her back doors in."

Don't!

Oh, pensioner here.
What's the matter, you sick?

"They were bringing her down t' stairs
on t' stretcher."

"Oh, she were in agony.
And she saw me, she said,"

"'Mrs Kay, will you stop me papers?"

I thought, "What?"

That just sums old people up for me.
That's first thing on your mind.

You've just broke your hip,
you get your papers stopped.

Get them papers stopped, talk about priority.

That's last thing you want when you come
out of hospital after three months of MRSA,

you can't get your front door open
for all the free papers and magazines.

Bang! Do your other hip trying to get in.

"Doctor's got her on Penicillin."

"He's What'?"

"He's got her on Penicillin."

Penicillin, swear to God.

She's great with her words, me nan.

"I'm gonna try some of that orgasmic veg.
I am."

Took her McDonald's, I went,
"What do you want?"

"I don't like McDonald's."
I said, "I know, but I'm bloody starving,

"and we're here now, so just pick something.

"I don't..." "It's up there on that menu."

"Oh, I don't know. I'll have, um..."

"I'll have a Whiffy,
I'll try one of them Whiffies."

Wi-Fi, Wi-Fi.

"They're free. I'll have two if they're free.
I'll have two free Whiffies."

"Let's try them, get a couple of Whiffies."

"Peter, will you slow down?
Your driving's a bit erotic."

"You must think I'm going bloody sea-lion."

She's quite technically-minded, though.

She's, "Can you get on that Face Tube
and talk to your friends?"

"Face Tube, they're all on that now,
Face Tube, Peter."

Got a VD player, a thigh pod.
She calls it her thigh pod.

"Where's thigh pod? Where's thigh pod?"

I give it her for Christmas,
she thought it was a cassette,

she tried to put it in a tape player.
"It won't fit, this."

"This tape won't fit."

"It's not a tape, it's an iPod. There's
over a thousand songs on there, Nana."

"No honestly, all your favourites,
Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra,"

"N-Dubz, they're all on there for you."

"Does it play records?"

"No, it don't play..."

This is technology, it moves on, you see,
this is what happens.

It's like I've still got video tapes.
I can't get rid of them.

VHS tapes. Me wife says, "When are you
going to get rid of all this shit in 'ere?"

I'm like, "Shit? Excuse me, love",

"I've every single Police Academy in that back
bedroom. They're going nowhere. Okay?"

It's all Blu-ray now.

Blu-ray. Blue-Ray were a bloke near me
who did pornos

out 0' back of a Nissan Sunny,

that's who Blue-Ray were
when I were growing up, Blue-Ray.

I were watching The Gadget Show.
They said, "Blu-ray's big in Asia."

I thought, "Christ, he's done well for himself,
that Blue Ray."

"What, back of t' park,
wi' shell suit and pencil 'tache?"

Blue Ray.

I nearly choked on my Arctic Roll.
"Blue Ray! Turn it up! He's big in Asia."

"I used to know him."

Blu-ray. It's all HD now. HD, that's
the new thing now. Get it in HD.

What a rip-off!

I've got Star Wars three times now.
I've got it on VHS,

I've got it on DVD.

If it gets any clearer I want to sit on t' couch
with Yoda having a fucking brew.

How clear's it gonna get it here?
Where's it gonna stop?

I'll be able get it in 3D next
to watch him dip his Hobnobs.

(IMITATING YODA)
"Dip it again, dip it!"

I can't get out of old habits.
I still say to my wife,

"Do you want to go t' video shop for a DVD?"

How old?

And we get those box sets now, us,
box sets of series, you can't just watch one.

You put 'em on, "Oh, God,
put another one on."

"I want to see what happens,
put another one on."

"No, I want to go to bed now."

"No, put another one on,
I want to see what happens."

"It's 3:50." "No, put another one on."

Sitting here in my own piss and shit,

"No, put another one on,
I want to see what happens."

"Put disc two in, quick."

Or you can series-link it now.

Sky Plus is incredible.

Sky Plus is right up there with daylight
and running water

as a necessity in my life now.

You can't go back.

Honest to God, they come round saying,
"Mr Kay, we're turning your gas off."

"It's going to be off for four hours,
we're digging at top of t' road."

"You're joking? Yeah, all right, never mind.

"Dad, the Sky's off." "Sky's off?"

"Sky Plus is off? Jesus Christ.
Ring em' up, quick."

It's like losing your left arm,
you can't believe it.

I got it for my nana. You know, we went
digital a couple of years ago,

I said, "Nana, you've got to go digital."

"I just got used
to pounds, shillings and pence."

"What?"

"We're going digital. I got you
Sky Plus, right? It's fantastic."

"You've got, when you want
to record something,"

"you just press that red button
there on t' remote."

"Where do you put your tapes?"

"No, there's no tapes now. It's on a hard drive."

"Just go wi' me, right. And you've got
live pause now. Live pause."

"So if you want to pause it
and go and have a cup of tea or a wee,"

"you just pause it."

"What about everybody else?" "Come again?"

"What about everybody else?"

"Well, you're not controlling Britain,
it's just you, this."

"Bloody hell, it's only £40 a month,
what do you want?"

Some couple in Crawley watching Holby
City, "That's Edy's gone for a slash."

"Stopped again. It's 9:45 here.
Stop, start, stop, start. What's happening?"

The only thing about Sky Plus I don't like
is me whole life's on times 30, times 30.

Fast forward times 30, everything's times 30.
I've not seen an advert for four years.

Are DFS still having a sale? Times 30.

And it's all-or-nothing fast forward,
you can't control it.

You're like, "Bang, bang, bang.
Oh, it's back on, it's back on, go back",

"go back, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."

"Not to beginning o' programme,
you've gone too far now,"

"we don't want to go back here."

"Fast forward again, fast forward."

"Whoa, whoa, it's back on again.
What are you doing?"

"Times 6, times 12, do it in stages,
take your time."

Quicker to just watch t' adverts.

That's best, when it comes up,
"Two recordings have clashed,

"please choose one to delete."
What do you do with that?

What do you do? "Pick one, pick one quick."

"What, am I selecting the one I'm deleting,
am I deleting the one I'm selecting?

"Which one am I doing? That one there?"
"Pick one. I don't know, throw it to me.

"I haven't got a clue, tick one now."

"Choose, I don't know, Christ Almighty,
it's going to fail-record,"

"it's going to fail-record! Pick one quick!"

"Top or bottom, top or bottom?
Choose, choose!"

"It's failed-record now, it's too late, see?
It's failed-record."

"Why don't you read the manual?"
"It's under the telly."

The other thing I don't like is the panic.

Hey, and I mean panic you get when
you're down to about 4% on your planner.

"4% we're on here. 4%. That's you, that."

"There's nothing on here 0' mine."

"There's nothing on here 0' mine."

"Look at all... I've two World's Strongest Man"

"and a Ross Kemp in Bangkok
and that's me done, here, love. Nothing."

"Oh, and a Banged Up Abroad.
Excuse me, pardon me for breathing."

(COUNTING SOFTLY)

"Twenty-seven hours of 24, how's that
happen? You can't do that!"

"That's not physically possible."

"What are you keeping all this for?"

"Michael Jackson's funeral,
what are you keeping that for?"

"I've not seen it yet." "Doctor did it. Delete."

"Delete, delete. Oh, that's better 48%,
look at that, 48%."

"I feel cleansed, 48%."

You've got to have a tidy planner.

And then we do finally sit down
and watch something together,

fucking sister rings 'er up. Pause.

(MOUTHING)

(CONTINUES MOUTHING)

In 20 minutes, "I'll see you, bye."

"What did she want?" "Nothing."

"Nothing! Nothing? Nothing?"

Press play, then the phone rings again,
it's my mum,

"I didn't expect that twist at the end,
I didn't think she'd kill him."

"Mum!"

"We're 20 minutes behind you,
don't tell us that!"

Everybody's out of synch
with everybody else now.

You can't ring people up
in case they're 10 minutes behind you

or you're five minutes in front.

I'm watching t' news. I don't know
what's live and what's real any more.

Come and watch this love, quick,

they're getting these miners out.
They're trapped in Chile.

They've been out 12 fucking months,
nobody told me!

They come on after Spooks,
I'm sat there watching it,

flicked over one of 'em's on a chat show
with sunglasses.

I thought, "He's got out quick,
he's on a chat show now."

999 channels I've got now,
and I still sit there going,

"Nothing on 'ere, absolute shit all on 'ere."

Problem is there are more channels than
programmes now. Everything's repeated.

Everything's looped going round.

How many episodes of
Scrap Heap Challenge can they make?

All these channels. I've got E4 Plus 1,
which is technically E5, let's have it right.

They've even got a channel
called Dave Ja Vu now.

Someone's taking the right royal piss.
Dave Ja Vu.

Saturday afternoons on More4,
or More4 Plus 1,

you can watch five episodes of Grand Designs
back to back.

I like Grand Designs, but there's only
so many times you can watch

a couple trying to restore a 17th century
brothel in t' middle of a swamp.

He's a bitch, him, that Kevin McCloud.
He slags 'em off.

They're stood behind him,
he's slagging 'em off.

"They've wasted three years of their lives"

"trying to restore this eco-friendly
cardboard house"

"and the water's pissing in."

"They've gone £380,000 over budget,"

"and all because she wanted to play
project manager."

(HIGH-PITCHED GROWL)

Come Dine with Me,
Saturday afternoon on Channel 4.

- (AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Don't cheer that shite.

No, no, no, no! No!

Don't.

That's not a cooking show,
Come Dine with Me.

That's just a set of nosy bastards in your
house, let's have it right now, honest to God.

That's all they want to do,
look through t' bedrooms.

You're downstairs marinating your meat,

they're upstairs looking through t' wardrobes.

They wanted me to go on there.

Celebrity Come Dine with Me. I said,

"If you think I'm having Brian Blessed and H
from Steps looking through my cupboards,"

"you've got another thing coming."

That's how they caught Fred and Rose West,
Come Dine with Me. Oh, yeah!

Pilot episode, they've never shown it,
Channel 4,

that's how they caught 'em, red-handed.

And apparently Rose made
a cracking Pavlova, beautiful.

To die for, honest to God.

People will stop at nothing
to get on television now, hence...

Embarrassing Bodies.

Oh, my God, what's going on
with that programme?

They're not embarrassed
about their bodies at all.

If you're embarrassed you don't climb
in t' back of a truck in Leeds

and drop your drawers.
What's going on there?

Have some self-respect.

Talk about scraping t' barrel,
we're through to t' wood.

See Jackie t' other week wi' hairy back?

What were all that about?
She's like a werewolf.

(FAKE CRYING) "I've had this condition,
I've had it for about six years now."

"I just don't know what else to do. I can't
cope any more, everyone's laughing at me."

"Every time I lift my breasts up they fart."

Well, you want to get your jugs out
on national television, flower,

that's your best bet there,
that'll solve a million problems, that will.

See that one, "My Vagina's Too Big"?

You must have seen that.
Honest it were like a manhole, literally.

I swear to God. Oh.

I'm like, "Close your legs! It's like an eclipse.
What are you doing there?"

I noticed Dr Christian were at t' front.
He were straight in, he were.

Perv.

In a wet suit and a mining helmet, right up.

Flick over? I nearly kicked telly off t' wall.

And don't watch that programme
and get a take-out.

I got a chicken and kung po
from the Chinese and I'm like,

"Christ Almighty, throw it in t' bin.
Flick over, what's this?"

Dirty attention-seeking freaks.

That's what we've been reduced to now
in Britain,

we have to go on Embarrassing Bodies,

'cause we can't get an appointment
at doctor's

for them bitch receptionists
when you phone up.

Ring the doctor's now, you go,

(IN HOARSE VOICE)
"I want to see the doctor."

"Are you doing your sick voice?"

"No, no, no, no. I want to see t' doctor."

"Doctor, ha, ha, ha. He wants to see
the doctor, this one."

"Wants to see the doctor.
What's the matter with you?"

"Well, I'd rather tell the doctor."

"Would you? Fuck off! He's my doctor.
No one sees my doctor, he's my doctor."

And if you've missed
any of these programmes now,

not that you can
'cause they're looped every hour,

you can get on t' internet now,
get an iPlayer or 4OD.

You can download, you can download
onto your thigh phone now.

You can watch 'em when you go to work.
Your battery only lasts six minutes, but you...

My whole life's on charge.
Are you the same?

I can't sleep at night for green flashing lights
in t' bedroom. I'm like, "Christ Almighty..."

It's like a bloody spaceship.

"Yours is orange, yours is charged here, love."

"Yours... Move your fucking shoes,
what's the matter wi' you?"

Texting? I've got that bad with texting now,

I don't even give me mum three rings
when I get anywhere any more,

I just text her the words "three rings". Send.

That's an illness. That's a disease, that.

I got a silent call on me home phone,

you know, when they don't speak, and I were
coming out of t' bedroom in t' morning.

I answered it, "Hello?"

But I could hear someone breathing,

so I knew they were there.
"I can hear you breathing."

"Hello, can you hear me?"

"I can hear you breathing."

I thought, it's some weirdo. "Two can play
at this game, dickhead, it's all right."

"You want a war, you've got a war."

So I sat on t' stairs and I waited,
I waited for a good 40 minutes.

I sat there, and then it started freaking me out,

so I thought, "Oh, no,
I've had enough of this."

So I hung up, put it back
in its holster in t' kitchen.

Anyway, I went off and I did some bits,
like, I bleached me cloths, and...

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Well, you've got to.

And then I came back

after about 20 minutes and I picked it up again

and there were a dialling tone.

So I did 1-4-7-1 and there were a number!

I thought, "Ah, I've got you, you bastard."

So I pressed 3
and me mobile rang in my pocket.

I must have bent down in t' bedroom,
picked me slippers up

and accidentally dialled our house.

So now I'm sat halfway down t' stairs

listening to meself breathing

via satellite!

For 40 minutes. Cost me £62, that call.

(LIVELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

- Did you have a nice interval?
- AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I had a meal deal.

I had a...

A red-pepper wrap

and a mango smoothie.

There you go, you see? No snorting coke
off prostitutes' breasts for Pete.

I don't know if you've noticed, I've got
a bit of a veranda over the toy shop.

I started doing me shopping online,
get on t' internet and you book your slot,

and then they come with that van
and bring your shopping

and they give you those swaps,

like I asked for an Angel Delight,
they gave me Cillit Bang.

How do they go together?

How's that a fair swap?

And all me fruit and veg were rotten.

I swear to God. I said,
"It's supposed to be fresh fruit and veg."

"It's dripping out of t' bottom
of t' carrier bag. I'm not making hooch!"

"What's this you've gi' me?"

So I'm back to t' big shop now every Friday.

Me and my mum,
parent and child, every Friday.

Shop when you're hungry, that's my advice.
Shop when you're hungry.

I'm a bugger for t' chocolate aisle, me,

chucking it all in, triple-chocolate cookies

and Mint Viscounts and Penguins
and Breakaways...

What year is it?

Chucking it all in.

Limited edition KitKat's, you've to get 'em,

they're limited edition, you've got to get 'em.

You don't know how long they're
going to be out. Chuck 'em in, two for one.

And you get to t' checkout and you scan,

see who's not got a big queue. "There's one
down here, Mum, one down here."

"Just closing now."
"Oh, fucking hell, he's closed.

"Happy to help, my arse."
Move down here.

I get in a queue, me,

a big queue and I stand behind 'em
with half a pint 0' milk,

giving it cats' eyes from Shrek, like that.

"Is that all you've got?

"Do you want to go in front?"
(SHOUTS) "Mum!"

Comes out, two trolleys
buckled wheels, like that.

Or you can scan 'em yourself now.

Beep! What's all that about,
scan 'em myself wi' bag?

You can make the noise yourself,
you can rob 'em blind, no one's checking.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Put 'em down your knickers, Mum,
down your knickers. Beep, beep, beep!

Get to t' checkout,
get meself another bag-for-life.

I've got thirteen bags-for-life now.

How long am I gonna live?
Thirteen bags-for-life.

"Give me another bag-for-life, love."

"I've left mine outside in t' boot 0' car
in pissing rain and I can't be arsed getting it."

"Left it in t' boot, give me a bag-for-life."

'Cause you feel guilty about the environment.
Honest to God, I feel bad.

I can't put a can of coke in t' bin at home,
me, now, without getting it out,

putting it on t' side with all t' recycling.

I spend my life marching
to t' bloody bin outside

with armful of recycling every bloody day.

I got pea juice running down me arms

and cans of beans slashing wrists open.

Chuck 'em in.

Back again. Another load!
I just been! Robinson's Cordial,

Lenor, Christ Almighty.

This is my life.

What colour bin's out this week, love?
What colour bin's out?

Is it green, is it blue,
is it black, brown, maroon?

I just copy old people over t' road, me.

Whatever bin they've got out I copy,
because old people

live for putting their bins out.
Honest. Oh, they do.

It's the main focus of their entire week.

If they've got blue out,
I'm putting bloody blue out.

They're either demented
or colour blind over t' road,

but our blue bin's not been emptied
for six pissing weeks now, I tell you.

It's a disgrace. I'm going to fly-tip it, it stinks.

So you get home with all your shopping,
all your chocolate treats on a Friday,

can't shut cupboard door
for jam Wagon Wheels.

I'll start Monday, I'll start Monday.

No point trying to start Friday.

Comes to something when
I can't have a bit of bloody chocolate

on a Friday night and treat myself.

I'll start Monday.

Problem is there's 52 Mondays in a year,
I say that every week.

Start Monday with a detox,
hot water and twist of Jif Lemon.

Second bowl of Special K,
trying to drop a jean size.

Oh, God, I can't go on.

Bloody migraine, it's killing me, this.

I've only been on it two hours.

I didn't start till end of Jeremy Kyle.

By the end of this morning I'm upstairs
in t' bedroom in t' full-length mirror

to see if I've lost owt.
I must have lost something now.

Christ, I must've lost something now.

By Wednesday I'm like a junkie,
I'm on me arse.

Not so cocky about me cupboard
full of chocolate then when I've nothing left,

when I'm stood on t' chair in kitchen

seeing if anything's
fallen down back of t' cupboard.

There must be something, anything,
bloody Mini Egg, something down t' back.

Rich Tea, load of shit.

There must be something 'ere.

Oh, Jam Mini Roll, got a Jam Mini Roll.

Jam Mini Roll's like a banquet in
our house on a Wednesday, Jam Mini Roll.

You know what I hate, me?
When you see a tin of Celebrations on t' side

and then you open it and it's a sewing kit.

That's off, oh!

Well, don't mess with your mind now!
What's all that about?

Oh, will you stop doing this?

Fucking needle and thread
and Velcro and buttons.

Me mum's got one, tin o' Roses.

She's had it 26 years.
I fall for it every time when I go up.

Open it, fucking bandages
and paracetamol, plasters.

Looking under antihistamines
trying to find t' caramel barrel.

"Must be something. Anything."

"I need a fix."

I go up me mum's bungalow every Sunday.

That's not a euphemism, that's a fact.
Every week.

She loves it up there.
Thanks very much for her bungalow,

you've made a lovely lady very happy.

She loves her bungalow.

There'll be some women wi' buckets
after t' show, she wants some patio furniture

and a mattress, so think on
when you're on your way out later.

Go up every week for me Sunday dinner.
That's a skill, that, making a Sunday dinner.

I don't know how she does it, me mum.
Honest to God, that's a real, a real skill.

I'd be lost without Aunt Bessie, I couldn't
make a Sunday dinner without Aunt Bessie.

Aunt Bessie is the saviour
of the Sunday roast, that woman.

Have you seen the Aunt Bessie range?

Does the lot now, roast potatoes,

Yorkshire pudding, boiled potatoes,
sticky-toffee pudding.

She must be rushed off her feet, poor cow.
How's she find time, Aunt Bessie?

One woman. No wonder
she's got red cheeks on that bag.

Me mum don't need no Aunt Bessie,
she does it all herself.

And I can't help her
because I've not got asbestos hands.

All mums have got asbestos hands.
What's all that about?

I go in and try and pick a plate up,
(SCREAMS) Christ!

"That's not hot, give me that here,
what's the matter with you?"

Fucking Red Adair juggling fire.

You've got to get out when she's dishing out,
'cause she gets stressed.

"Everybody get out, get out, get out,
get out, I'm dishing out, shut the door."

"Leave me. I've got my meat,
I've got my Yorkshire puddings,"

"I got my potatoes, I got my cauliflower,
I got my broccoli. Where are the peas?"

"Where the hell are the peas?
Where are the peas?"

She finds t' peas in t' microwave
two days later in a little plastic bowl.

"Found the peas. Forgot all about them
in the microwave."

"Menopause. There's the peas."

Have a birthday tea, I love it
when you have a birthday tea

when it's someone's family birthday
in t' middle of t' week.

We'll have it on Sunday,
we'll have a birthday tea, come round.

It were me nephew's last weekend, 15 he were,

which means I can't get away with
Sellotaping pound coins into cards any more.

He wants Xbox games now and Wii's.

Wii's are amazing. I never thought
I'd see me nan water-skiing at 89.

Kayaking round t' front room.

We've come a long way since Frogger,
I'll tell you that now.

Guitar Hero! Has anyone ever
been on that one? Guitar Hero?

That, hey, that's amazing.

I'd have loved that when I were growing up.

I used to have me dad's shovel
as a guitar, me, when I were growing up.

I used to get his shovel out of t' shed
and put it round me neck.

I used to jump off edge of t' bed,
giving it rock star like, bang!

"Christ Almighty!"

"Are you coming through that ceiling
or what?"

"Trying to watch Tenko down here."

"They escape tonight an' all,
if I could pissin' hear it!"

I used to put his rock LPs on, Status Quo
and Queen's Greatest Hits.

I bloody love Queen, me.

I used to run round t' bedroom thinking
I were Freddie Mercury, giving it all that.

I used to put me mum's
bright white leotard on for aerobics.

♪ Di-de-do! ♪

It's not real.

Drew a big red flash up it in red felt-tip,

thinking I were Flash Gordon.

She lost her mind, me mum.
"Look at my leotard, look at that."

"How the hell am I supposed to wear that
for Jazzercise now? Look at that."

"You've misshaped it, you've misshaped it."

"Don't stop me now, I'm having a good time,
having a ball, what's the matter with you?"

"Killer Queen."

Love it when we've had a birthday tea,
when we've finished our dinners,

all finished, sat round t' table,
and Mum and our Julie

will give each other a look,
like, "The plates, get the plates."

"No, you stay there. Julie, please, come on."

They both sneak off,

they've got to act like that's normal.

And you can hear 'em in t' kitchen.

"Where are the candles,
where are the candles?"

"Where are the matches?"
"They're in the card box."

Mum's got a card box. I swear to God,
she'd give Clinton Cards

a run for their money
with that card box, me mum.

Everything in there, you name it,
Happy 18th, Passed Your Driving Test,

Sympathy. There's always a couple
of sympathies in there.

30th, Happy Hanukkah, wrapping paper,
bottle bags,

everything in that card box.

Tags. She makes her own tags
for presents, me mum.

You give her a card, she's like
"Ooh, have it as a tag, I'll cut that up."

I'm like, "Christ, Mum, are you sick?
You haven't even got it on t' mantelpiece yet",

"you're talking about cutting it up."

Mum has a tiering system for cards, right?

Main family, they go
on t' top of t' mantelpiece,

like brothers and sisters,
you know, t' main ones.

That's why I don't like these flat-screen tellys,

'cause you can't put your cards
on 'em any more.

Cousins and relatives, friends,
they go round t' bottom of fire.

You know you're not doing well
when you're behind man-size tissues

on t' nest 0' tables behind t' lamp.

"Oh, dear, look where they've put us."

My Uncle Knobhead's been behind
t' spider plant on t' windowsill for four years.

"Light the candles now, light them."

Then t' hand comes round t' wall for t' light.

Boom, darkness.

Just have t' glow of t' candles
off cupboards in t' kitchen.

Then they both come in.

♪ Happy birthday... ♪

You've got to act surprised,
like it's never happened before!

Shitty Caterpillar Cake from Asda.

Smarties for eyes.

The cake, not me mum, the cake.

Blow your candles out, "Make a wish."
If you've got small children,

they want to blow 'em out as well,
you've got to light 'em again.

"I want to blow 'em out!"
"We'll light 'em again, don't worry."

"I want to blow 'em." "You'll get your turn,
we'll light 'em again."

"I want to blow 'em out!"
"You'll light 'em again."

"Do you want some cake?" "I'll have it
when you've wiped that top layer 0' spit off.

"You know, I'll have a bit of cake,
I don't want Hepatitis B."

Sometimes we go out for a birthday tea,
which I'm not

really keen on, 'cause it means
we've got to invite other family,

mainly me Uncle Knobhead
insists on coming.

He's got... He's remarried now as well.

He split up with my Auntie Sandra,
it's all kicked off.

New Fang Dao, that's his new wife
from Thailand, he got her off eBay.

DHL had her for four weeks.
He'd lost his card, he couldn't pick her up.

They had to get a neighbour to sign for her.

He come home from work, she was sat behind
wheelie bin reading t' new Next catalogue.

Honest.

Modern world.

I like it when we go Italian
if we go out for a birthday tea

'cause I get free garlic bread.

That's my perk there in life.

Oh, you've got to have a perk.

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) "There you go." "What's
that?" "Garlic bread for you, my friend!"

(LAUGHS)

"Garlic bread together!"

"It's the future, my friend."

"For you, for free."

That's why me new catch phrase is Plas Ma.

Plas Ma. 70-inch Plas Ma

on me wall for free.

You know what I love when you go
for a meal? Nobody complains.

You'll all complain to each other, but
God forbid you'd ever tell a member of staff.

"They're on their bloody main meal over here,
they're on their main meal."

"We've only just got our starter, they come in
after us and they're on their main meal."

"Everything all right?"
"Absolutely fantastic, really, thank you.

"Really nice, thanks very much, lovely."

"Special."

"Shit hole. Not coming here again,
I'll tell you that now."

"No, it's gone downhill. It's changed hands.
It's changed hands."

And then when t' food finally does arrive
we just swap with each other.

"Oh, yours looks nice." "Here, have a taste
of mine, taste it, taste it."

"Oh, it's nice, that, I should have got that."

"Here, have some of mine. They've give me
too much. Have some, take some."

Gravy all over t' table.
"Have some chips, have some chips.

"They give me too many."
Fistfuls of chips everywhere. Like pigs.

"Don't give me your fork back, you dirty
bitch, take your fork. I don't want your fork."

You have to be careful,
they'll swap food but they won't swap cutlery.

It's like when you give someone a drink out
of a bottle they go, "Oh, thanks very much."

I had a bad experience with that
in Gran Canaria.

Mate of mine, Paul, a bit of a joker,

we're on this street about 11:30 at night.
Oh, I were thirsty.

I'd had gammon for tea. Proper thirsty.

I said, "I'm spitting feathers here." He said,
"Here, have a drink of this. Pepsi."

I said, "It's warm, that," He said,
"I know, I just got it out of that bin!"

(MOUTHING)

It's funny,

still spitting into toilet
2:00 in t' morning like that.

So you have your meal and then
you're stuffed. "Oh, God, I'm full."

"Whoa, I shouldn't have had all that."

"Oh, I'll have to undo me pants."

"IBS. Oh, I'm full."

"Would you like a dessert?"

"Are you having one?
Are you having one? You?"

"Are you having a dessert?"

"I will if you will, are you having one?"

"We'll have a look, yeah, we'll have a look,
we'll have a look. We'll have a look."

Have a cheesecake, cheesecake!
Cake of cheese, cheesecake.

Plas Ma!

Then you get the bill. "Can I have
the bill, please?" I love that,

the international sign of the bill.

Little signature in mid-air,
works in any country in t' world, that.

Or the little pad.

They know what you want, but be careful.
If you're gonna get the bill,

watch out because basically you're accepting
responsibility for adding up,

because I've been on lovely nights out,
it all goes tits up when t' bill comes.

No one knows who's paying. If you're on
a works do or summat like that,

there's like 12 o' you, are you going to
split it 12 ways? What are you going to do?

There's always some gobby cow takes charge

because she's got a calculator
on her thigh phone.

"I'm working it out here, leave me alone,
matey, it's long divisions."

(CALCULATING)

"That's £28.23 each, £28.23 each.

"That's including tip, Janice.
£60 going in, £60 going in,

"71, 81, you want a fiver change,
there's £2 back to you.

"£3.54 change."
"Can we pay part card, part cash?"

"I've got a system here, dickhead,
do you mind? You're disrupting it all."

"£5 back..." There's always some
really nice girl on her own,

give you 30 quid.

"No, that can stay there 'cause I'm not
taking it, £30 can stay there."

"You didn't have any wine, you didn't
have a starter, you didn't have a main meal."

"You only had a breadstick
and then you were in t' toilets an hour."

"And it's your birthday. That can stay there,
I'm not taking it."

"I didn't have dough balls." "Fuck off
with your dough balls. £2 there...

"Someone's not paid, I'm still short here."
(COUNTING UNDER BREATH)

"I've not, I've not...
They've what, they've gone?"

Oh, ho, ho, there's always some couple
sneaks off early,

tight-arses, for t' baby sitter.

You've got to watch that, that” tester.

They'll still be talking about that
in twelve months,

next Christmas, out again, few wines.

"Are you going to pay this year
or are you going to fucking slope off"

"like you did last year?"

(MUFFLED ABUSES)

I've never been on a works do, me,
where there's not been a fight yet,

even me own and I'm self-employed.

Happened last year. Sixty-seater coach
having a fight wi' t' driver.

Only stopped for a toilet stop
and a leg stretch.

From Liverpool, he were. I said to him
when we were driving before we had a fight,

I said, "Who are worst people
you get when you're driving?"

"I don't like blokes."

"Oh, blokes are like animals."

"I were bringing a load of blokes
back from the races"

"and I'm driving up the M6,
I looks through the rear-view mirror"

"and there's a bloke having a piss
in the middle of the aisle on my coach!"

"I slammed the brakes on,
he shot down the coach like that."

"Piss everywhere."

"Girls are worse, though."

"Oh, my God, bladders like fucking egg cups."

"Driving back from Take That,
'I want a wee, I want a wee.'"

"Pull in the hard shoulder,
let 'em get off one by one,"

"wait 'til they're squatted,"

"knickers round their ankles..."

"Reverse 40 feet. Full beam! Full beam!
They don't like that!"

"They do not like that!"

"Hey, you cheeky bastard!"

"I work hard, I play hard,
you know what I'm saying?"

I sympathise with him. Hmm.

Awful, dropping people off
when they've had a drink,

awful when they're drunk, proper drunk.

I don't drink, me, so automatically
I'm the family taxi driver.

Whenever there's any works dos

or New Year parties
or anything like that, it's...

"Peter, can you get another one in?"

"I've got seven in, I can't get no more in now."

"She's going that way.
Get her ankles, get her ankles."

"Lift her in. Hold the door, lift her in."

Bang! "She's in now."

"Her dress is caught."

"Fuck her dress, she's in now."

Bang on t' roof. (KNOCKING)

I've now got me wife's cousin's sister
spread-eagled on t' back seat,

one foot's on t' back shelf,

other one's twatting my head
every time I go over a speed bump.

"Does anyone know where she lives?"

"I know it's near a bus stop."

"Oh, well,"

"good as there then, aren't we?"

Then they all start, "Hey, Peter, Peter,
have you been busy?"

"What time are you on till?"
"Yeah, piss funny, very funny.

"Where do you live, Michele, love?"

"Straight on."

"Straight on."

"Traffic lights now, love,
is it left or right here?"

"Straight on."

"Are you sure?
Your eyes are shut there, flower."

"Roundabout, which way now, love?"

"Straight on. Straight on."

"I'm going to have to stop now
'cause we're in Hull."

"Straight on." "What, into t' sea?"

I do drink actually, I drink Baileys.

I have the occasional Baileys sometimes.
More of a dessert than a drink,

I grant you. Start Monday. Have a Baileys.

Last time I had a proper Baileys
I went on me school reunion.

Have you ever been on one of them?

I tell you now, there's a reason
you've not kept in touch

with some of them people over t' years.

There's someone got in touch through
Face Tube and I thought I can't, I've got to go.

Curiosity got the better of me,

and I went with a mate of mine.
It's your worst nightmare.

You walk in, there's people
I've not seen for 20 years.

You know you're getting old when t' local
lollipop lady was in your class at school.

And everyone's got older and fatter
and balder, and them's the women.

I went over,

and all t' teachers were there.
They don't get any older.

Nuns, I had nuns teaching me.
Honest to God, nuns are miserable.

No sense of humour, none.

I tell you that now.

We used to send 'em a Valentine's card
every year, from Jesus,

every February.

"Roses are red violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, I died for you." Fuck all.

Sister Sledge, she were t' headmistress
at our school. Sister Sledge,

she were lost in music, caught in a trap.

No turning back.

She once got all t' fifth-year boys
in assembly hall because...

"Someone's thrown
a shatter-proof ruler at Carole Farrell."

Were there a time before
shatter-proof rulers existed?

What, were they blowing up in kids' faces?

Why were they shatter-proof?
What were that about, shatter-proof?

"Get 'em shatter-proofed, Bob,
shatter-proof these quick as you can.

"They're blowing up in kids' faces.
Here, get 'em shatter-proofed, son.

Bang! "Another one gone here.
Quick, shatter-proof!"

"It hit her there."

"If it had been an inch lower
it would have been instant death."

"When I find out who it is,
I'll take them on that stage in assembly"

"and I'll bang them in front of everybody."

I don't think you Will.

We had real teachers though, as well.
We had humans, they weren't all nuns.

Have we got any teachers in tonight,
by any chance?

- (CHEERING)
- Whoa, whoa, don't shout out.

Put your hands up.

One rule for one, fingers on lips.

I used to like teachers with amnesia.

"Who do you think you are?"

"Who do you think you're dealing with?"

"How old are you? Where should you be now?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"Silence when you're talking to me!"

"I don't want to see you
floating round school."

"Who do you think you are,
waltzing in at this time?"

"Don't come in here and start mouthing off."

(MOUTHING)

"Come in here and start shouting the odds!"
"Seven, nine, 11,43...

"27."

"Who do you think you are,
swarming in at this time?"

"Put your pens down and watch
the blackboard while I go through it."

I used to like that one, me.
"Keep talking, keep talking,"

"because the longer you talk,
the longer you'll stay."

"I don't care what time I go home."

8:45 we kept him till. 8:45.

"I'm supposed to
be going for a meal with my wife."

"Oh, bollocks to it, you said.
Stay, I'm happy, me."

"I'm here for t' night. I'm taping Taggart,
it don't bother me."

Did you ever try and blind a teacher
with your watch?

If you all concentrated.

If you all did it, blind the teacher now. Do it.

"I know Who it is!"

"No, you don't, you can't see fuck all,
you don't know who it is."

Try and burn a hole in t' front of his pants,
do it now, all of you.

"His balls are smouldering,
his balls are smouldering, do it now."

Fire alarm! "Hooray!"

I always wanted to be out, me, when

bell went, be t' first one out,

used to start packing everything away
about two minutes before t' be”,

put everything back in me pencil case
really, really discreetly.

Put it by my bag.

There you go, but still pretend I've got a pen,
an imaginary pen, 'cause they can't see

'cause someone's sat in front,
so you pretend you're writing.

Put your coat on really discreetly.

(SCREAMS) Bell!

"Back, back, back, everybody back, back!"

"That bell's for me, that bell's not for you,
that bell's for me."

"That bell's a signal for me to tell me
to tell you when you can go, do you hear me?"

"Do you hear me?"

Power mad, they were. Mr Bryce at our school,
what an arsehole he were.

Saw him on that school reunion.
I wanted to wind him.

Right weirdo.

Took us on a geography field trip
to graveyard to see his wife.

And he's, "Oh!"

Fucking mentalist.

He just sat there sobbing, we were
playing army round headstones, us, like...

(IMITATING GUN SOUNDS)

He didn't like me.

"Is that what you're going to be
when you grow up, Kay, comedian?"

"I'll tell you where you're going
to end up, Kay,"

"the thick table.
Get your stuff, get on the thick table."

We used to have a thick table
in our class at school.

The thick table. When I say thick table,
I don't mean thick table,

(SLURRING WORDS) I mean thick table.

You'd never get away with that today!

PC and all that. This is 20 years ago,

none of this ADHD and dyslexia.
"Thick table, get on the thick table!"

Jason Patel...

Snorkel Parka, sat in t' bin arse-first, like that.

"Thick table, Jason, till you learn."

Theresa Crankface... Jesus Christ,
wi' space dust and snot bubble like that.

(SNORTING)

"Thick table, Theresa."

"Paddy McGuiness, thick table!"

Let the thick see the table.

That's true, I was sat with him.

And you pick those names, you know when
you're picking baby names years later

and your wife's like, "What about Theresa?"
You're like, "Christ, no!"

(SNORTING)

She'd be cursed.

Used to watch television once. I used to love
Wednesdays, we used to watch television

in class and he'd wheel in
this massive television on legs.

It were up there, two prefects used
to wheel it in like prize in a game show.

It were massive. We were like meerkats,
watching it like that.

Wi' t' video in locked box
that had been nicked.

Remote control on a wire.

Sister Matic stood on t' chair wi' aerial,
trying to get a picture.

"Can you see? Can you fecking see now?"

"Can you fecking see?"

I were never a fan of PE at school, me.

I can see astonishment in your eyes,
but I was never a fan.

I don't... How'd I fucking get up here?
Never a fan.

I don't believe you can be
physically educated.

They used to make us walk
on an upside-down gym bench.

Did you ever do that?
Use balance to walk along,

Fucking weight's dropping off me now, Sister.

I used to pretend I forgot my kit.
"I've forgot my PE kit."

"Get some out of that bin in the corner."

Fucking fencing mask and a netball skirt.

Forward roll.

"All change. The ropes, get on the ropes,
get on the ropes!"

"Oh, they've been on the ropes twice now,
Sister."

"I'm still on this pissing bench."

I were on packed lunches, me.
Packed lunches were

two Spam sandwiches
and a Munch Bunch yoghurt

with a Robin of Sherwood lunch box,

a packet of Salt & Shake,
Highland Toffee and a beaker...

Mum used to give me a beaker
with orange cordial with some cling film

over t' lid so it wouldn't spill in me bag.

You don't want that all over your books.

Did you ever back your books?
What was all that about? Backing books?

Mum, get me that woodchip wallpaper
from t' side of wardrobe.

Got to back me books here.

Anaglypta, razzle,

back my books here. Keep it safe.

Get a life.

I used to love it when I were
in t' dining hall at school

and someone'd fall with their dinner.

You used to get, walking back to the seat
you'd get some girl walking...

And everyone'd go, "Whey!"

And when they were sick
they used to put sawdust down.

What were all that about sawdust?

"There's nothing to see. On your way."

"Course there's something to see,
she's throwing up sawdust here."

"She's throwing up sawdust."

"Some carpenter's daughter.
Look at that, shavings! Bleugh! Shavings!"

"She should be on Embarrassing Bodies,
she's a freak."

They were doing that at t' school reunion
about 10:30.

Everyone were drunk.

Sister Hard were going round
wi' t' bucket o' sawdust, throwing it down.

I'd had a few Baileys, I was up on t' karaoke

wi' Theresa Crankface
giving it Bump 'n Grind.

Theresa off her tits, pole-dancing wi' crucifix.

Sister Sledge, "I'll kill her, I'll fecking kill her!"

"Where's me shatter-proof ruler?"

I got home about 3:30 in t' morning.
Oh, my God.

I've never been drunk. Staggered in,

went upstairs, got undressed
by the light of the charging mobiles.

Tried tiptoeing to t' bog,

tripped over me wife's shoes, landed
face down in a pile of wire coat hangers,

I knocked my new frigging tooth out.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much, good night!

Look what I found backstage!

Do you want to rock?

PETER: I said, do you want to rock?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

(PLAYING ALONG TO
GUITAR ROCK INSTRUMENTAL)

(MOUTHING)

♪ When the day is dawning

it On a Texas Sunday morning

♪ Is this the way to Amarillo

♪ And sweet Marie who waits for me?

♪ Sha la la, la la la la la

♪ Sha la la, la la la la la

♪ Sha la la, la la la la la la

♪ And Marie who waits for me ♪

Yes!

Double shovel!

Let's see what we can get out of this bitch.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

(PLAYING EYE OF THE TIGER RIFF)

♪ When I wake up

♪ Well, I know I'm gonna be

♪ I'm gonna be the man
who wakes up next to you

♪ And when I go out

♪ Well, I know I'm gonna be

♪ I'm gonna be the man
who goes along with you

♪ And I would walk 500 miles

♪ And I would walk 500 more

♪ Just to be the man who walks
a thousand miles to be at your door

♪ Da da...

♪ Da da...

♪ Da da...
Da-da da dum da dum dum

Come on!

♪ Da da...

♪ Da da...

♪ Da-da da da, da dada, da da da dum

I played a shovel!

Thank you!

Thank you so much, everybody.

I really appreciate it. This last song's for you.
Take care, I'll see you again...

Maybe, one day. Thank you.

Tim, could you take those lights
down a bit please, sir?

Oh, no, a touch more, maybe a touch more.

Take the piss!

♪ I've taken my bow

♪ My curtain call

♪ You brought me fame and fortune,
everything that goes with it

♪ I thank you all

it But it's been no bed of roses

♪ No pleasure cruise

♪ I consider this a challenge
before all human race and I'll never lose

♪ We are the champions, my friends

♪ And we'll keep on fighting till the end

♪ We are the champions

it No time for losers

♪ Cos we are the champions...

♪ We are the champions, my friends

♪ And we'll keep on fighting till the end

♪ We are the champions

♪ We are the champions

♪ No time for losers
cos we are the champions...

♪ Of the world

Thank you so much, everybody, thank you!

Thank you very much, good night,
take care, see you, thanks a lot!

Quick! Get to t' car park, get to t' car park!

Thanks a lot. Good night!
Give me three rings when you get in. Ta-ra!

See ya!