All language subtitles for what planet are you from

This planet is four solar systems
from our own...

across the Sea of Vale,
at a fixed position of 1 3-6-90...

on the subset grid 4-1 0.

It is a solid, rigid mass...

with a dense core
of magnetic, metallic liquid.

The atmosphere is composed
of nitrogen, oxygen and argon...

in amounts of 78, 21 and one percent
by volume.

This is our target.

This is Earth...

and this is where one of you
will serve your planet...

to the act of procreation.

Your training will be extensive.

The Earth woman's
reproductive organs...

are located here.

The access point is here.

Insertion in any other access point...

will not result in pregnancy.

To get the woman
in a receptive mood for insertion...

compliment her on these areas.

She will also enjoy being told...

that she smells nice...

and that her foot wear is stylish.

You will spend many hours in study...

trying to learn all you can
about the females of this planet.

It is important to a woman
that she feels you are listening...

when she speaks.

This is most easily achieved
by repeating the phrase...

"Uh-huh," when the woman
is communicating.

- I went to the store this morning...
- Uh-huh.

and on the way, the car started
making a funny noise, so I pulled over.

But then I couldn't hear it, so then
I got in and started driving again.

And then it was fine.

You will familiarize yourself
with her predilections...

her customs, her ranges of mood
and temperament...

her smiles, her frowns,
her ups and her downs.

- Your footwear's quite fashionable.
- Thank you.

- May I insert my penis in you?
- Yes.

Ten seconds.
This time is your personal best.

Congratulations.

You have all performed admirably...

and your concentration
has been exemplary...

but one man has been chosen.

This man has excelled
in his training...

and we are confident
that the women of Earth...

will be both interested in and willing
to experience insertion with him.

This man is H1 449-6.

Congratulations, H1449-6...

or as you will now be referred to--
"Harold Anderson"...

from Seattle, Washington.

Let me warn you: We've given you a great
wealth of information about Earth...

but her people are unpredictable.

As with all alien cultures,
there will be subtleties...

which we couldn't possibly
have prepared you for.

However, given your adaptability
and your great capacity for learning...

we are certain that you will achieve
your goal with ease.

The success of our planet's domination
of the universe...

- rests in your hands.
- Thank you, sir.

Now, if you'll go with these men,
they'll arrange your transfer...

and attach your penis.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'll begin
our descent into Phoenix in 30 minutes.

Flight crew will be by shortly
to pick up remaining food and drink.

Thank you once again
for flying Arizona West.

- What the hell is that?
- What?

There.
Inbound at our 2:00.

-Jesus, it's moving.
- Tell me where to go.

Hydraulics!

Landing hydraulics: okay.
Wing and tail hydraulics: okay.

- We're losing altitude.
- Air speed is dropping.

- What the hell is this?
- Collision alert.

Collision alert.

It's on us!

Simple people--
they're a thousand years behind us.

They haven't even figured out that round
is the most efficient way to fly.

- This is going to be a snap.
- Remember: Get a woman pregnant.

- Give me two days.
- Wait for the baby.

Then come back.
And whatever you do...

don't let anyone know the truth.

We don't want another Roswell
on our hands.

That happened because you made
the mistake of sending H228-J .

That guy was an idiot
and not as handsome as me.

Nowhere near.

Hi, hi.

Hey there. Hey, I like your shoes.
Let me give you a hand there, gorgeous.

Sir, please, I need you to take
your seat and fasten your seat belt.

"Rebecca." I always wanted my kids to
have a mother named Rebecca. Interested?

- Are you all right, sir?
- I am a little light-headed...

from that perfume.

You smell nice.

Sir, if you don't take your seat,
I'll report you when we land.

Ouch. Kitty likes to scratch.

Anyone sitting here?

There is now.
Hi there.

Hi.

- You're shaking.
- I thought we were gonna crash.

I like it when a woman shakes.
It turns me on.

What?

- I like your shoes.
- Thank you.

- And you smell nice too.
- Thank you.

You going to Phoenix
on business or pleasure?

- I'm going to see my husband.
- Uh-huh.

He's a pharmacist. He works
in the pharmaceutical industry.

We had a big fight
before I took this plane.

I knew you shouldn't get on a plane
without saying "sorry" or "I love you."

If I'd been killed,
he'd still think I was pissed off.

Hey!
Watch the cart.

Do you want me to get you a copy of
the FAA Rules and Regulations, asswipe?

I do my job, then you do yours.
Stay out of my way!

Give anybody a fucking badge, man.

- Hello, Mr. Jones.
- What we got here?

It's hard to say.
It could be bad air...

but judging what I've heard from
the crew, sounds out of the ordinary.

- How long you been with the department?
- Three months, sir.

Let me do you a favor.
It's never out of the ordinary, never.

It's either a flock of geese,
a weather balloon...

or if it's Friday,
the crew is drunk.

Yeah. Nadine, what did I tell you
about using this number?

I told you never to call me at this
number unless the house is on fire...

and I don't hear sirens,
so this better be good.

Yeah, I know today's our anniversary.
What makes you think I forgot?

How do you know I'm not coming home
with a bunch of flowers or something?

How do you know that?
Nadine, don't cry.

Bye-bye.

One of the passengers was shooting
some video when the incident took place.

Thought you might wanna take
a look at it.

Get a list of the passengers, crew,
check the cabin, write your report.

If you see anything at all interesting,
just remember one thing:

It's not.

Well, Christmas is early this year.

- You guys twins?
- Asshole.

Would you like to contribute
to the downtown mission?

Sure. What can I get
for 150 bucks, gorgeous?

- What's that noise?
- I don't hear anything.

It's coming out of your pants.

There's something else that comes out
of my pants. Wanna see?

- Thanks, keep the change.
- Can I have your autograph?

- I beg your pardon.
- You are Miss America, aren't you?

Yeah. Who are you?
Mr. Universe?

- Where you headed?
- Chicago.

- Oh.
- That's attractive.

The Windy City.
So what time's your flight?

Forty minutes.

I don't know what you're doing
until then, but I noticed...

that there's a Hilton
right across the street.

I don't know if they have
a 40-minute wait or not, but...

maybe we could--

Taxi.

- Hey, I know who you are.
- You do?

Yeah, I know exactly who you are
and where you're from.

- Really?
- New guy from Seattle, right?

- Commercial home loans?
- How did you know?

My gut. Perry Gordon.
Commercial and home loans myself.

Nice to meet you.
Harold Anderson.

Yeah, word is you're some sort
of big banking kahuna from up north.

I heard your letters of recommendation
were unbelievable.

- They're not that great.
- Oh, yeah, they were...

'cause I snuck into Mr. Fisk's office,
read every single one.

- Who is that?
- That's Rita.

Office manager.
I got her her job.

Smartest thing I ever did.

- Is she--
- Too late, my friend. All mine.

Yeah. She's a noisy one too.
Thank God we work in a bank.

We can close the vault door,
nobody can hear a thing.

Does she have a friend?

I don't know. Listen, any time you wanna
hit the night spots, gimme a call.

Thanks. Great.
How about now?

- You're kidding, right?
- No.

It's 1 0:00 in the morning.
You haven't met the boss yet.

- So?
- You got some balls on you.

I sure do. Two of'em.
Right below my penis.

Listen--

I've gotta have sex.
I have to have it right away.

I mean, I'm really, really horny.

- I'm getting that.
- Anderson.

- Yes, sir.
- I've been waiting for you.

Don Fisk. Come on in.

Good morning, Mr. Fisk.

This way.

...as long as the contractionary
British fiscal policy continues.

Wow.

- We don't need time to get acclimated.
- Pretty girl.

Oh, that's Rita, the office manager.
She's mine.

We go to Scottsdale every weekend.
I have a condo up there.

By the way, you're free to use it
any time you like.

- The condo.
- Thanks.

You know, I have never seen such
a stack of glowing recommendations.

If I didn't know better,
I'd think you wrote them yourself.

There's a vice president's job opening
up soon. I assume you're interested.

No, not necessarily.

Come on, it's okay to be ambitious.
You're only human.

- Well--
- Think it over. In the meantime...

- welcome aboard.
- Thank you.

We got a wonderful family
of people working here.

Top-quality people,
except for Perry.

He's a sneaky little prick. He's always
looking for pussy, never doing his job.

- I can't stand that, Anderson.
- Good to know.

Neglected? Nadine,
how can you feel neglected?

What do you mean
we never do anything together?

What about that trip to New Orleans.
That was a good time, wasn't it?

I don't care if it was four years ago.
I didn't ask you when it was.

I asked you if it was a good time.

Don't get all pissy, will ya?

Jesus, I can't even ask you a question.
Honey, can you hold?

Can you hold, please?
Thank you.

Jones.

That's close. Pacific East,
flight seven-six-nine.

It was the hydraulics.

Arizona West, flight 442,
I was just getting through that stuff.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Let me call you back.

What the hell?

You like? Trust me, this is
the best titty bar in Phoenix.

- How many are there?
- This one...

and I think one other,
but I heard it sucks.

- Do you come here a lot?
- Once, twice a year.

- Hi, Perry.
- Hi, Cheryl.

- Grab me a beer, sweetheart.
- Sure, and what would you like?

Someone just like you.

Relative.

I'm your cowboy, baby.

Great, but that noise
is getting louder.

- Traffic.
- Are you sure?

It's rush hour, baby.
Come on, make me feel like a man.

Hold on, mister.
Time to put on your party clothes.

- What's that?
- A condom.

My boss has one of those in Scottsdale.
He said I can use it.

- Great, put it on.
- But I don't want anything between us.

Just unroll it.

Oh, boy.

- What the hell was that?
- It slipped.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- How'd it go with Cheryl?
- Not good.

I had to rush her to the hospital.
She got some glass in her eye.

Yeah, that happens.

Where we going tonight?

I'm taking you to a great place,
where I met Rita.

- Hi, I'm Doreen. I'm an alcoholic.
- Hi, Doreen.

Hi, and today marks
my 59th day of sobriety.

Thanks.
Thank you very much.

And I celebrated
by calling my parents...

to tell them about my engagement
to Janice.

Dykes-- made popular on television,
now they're everywhere.

Is there anyone else
who'd like to share?

You.

Hello. Get the bread.
I see something tasty.

Hi, this is the first time
I've gotten up to speak, so I'm--

- Your name. Start with your name.
- Oh. Thanks.

Of course, I'm sorry.
I'm Susan.

- Hi, Susan.
- Hi.

Anyway, I'm an alcoholic.

I've been sober
a couple of months now.

Thanks.
It's okay.

My father was an abusive alcoholic.

I guess I'm lucky that he left
when I was seven.

But then,
my stepfather was an alcoholic...

and so was my second stepfather.

Anyway, I have a history
of picking the wrong men.

Big surprise, right?

The thing is, I never knew
I had a drinking problem...

because ever since high school,
I've only dated musicians...

and they always told me
I was a lot of fun.

- I like what I'm hearing.
- But all that's changed now.

I bottomed out.

- Uh-oh.
- I was having fun in--

I don't even remember what city.

And when I woke up in the morning,
I didn't know where I was...

or how I got there
or who the guy was that I was with...

and I thought I should know
at least one of those things.

That's when I came here and stopped
putting myself in situations...

where I couldn't respect myself...

so others didn't respect me.

She wants respect. Cuts me out.

Anyway, I took my first step today.
I bought a new car...

and it'll be great to wake up
and remember where I parked it.

Would anyone else like to share?

It's dead tonight.
Not a weeper in the joint.

Weeper?

Yeah, usually one or two gals
get all weepy after the meeting.

That's where you clean up.
You offer 'em a tissue. Bang, you're in.

You really wanna sell it?
Yank a nose hair right before you go.

They see the tears,
think you're a kindred spirit.

You're in huge.

Wish me luck.

What happened?

I did so much blow once,
I didn't sleep for three weeks.

I lost about 1 5 pounds. The good thing:
I've been able to keep it off.

Hey, how are you?
Remember me from the airplane?

Oh, yeah, of course,
you hit me really hard.

Bye.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, I have a slight problem.

You know how it is with airlines.
You're 30,000 feet in the air...

with all those tiny little bottles.

- It's really not my fault.
- Sure.

Damn it!

Oh, my--
You hit my car, my new car.

- I don't believe it.
- What happened?

Oh, don't get excited. First of all,
this isn't new. This is a '98.

- I know a guy who--
- Hey, it's new to me.

Oh, God.

Look at it.

I guess we're both gonna have to drive
a little more carefully.

I was parked, asshole.

I don't see a lot of damage here,
so I think I'm gonna run.

Right. I bought it with a ''cracked
taillight, dented fender'' package.

I wanna see your driver's license,
registration and insurance.

Can't we settle this without bringing
insurance companies into this?

- Okay.
- And if you try to worm out of this...

I will hunt you down and cut
your heart out with my hood ornament.

Have we dated?

- I'm not very good in bed.
- No, you're great.

No, my boyfriend once said
it was like trying to start a dead car.

You've got to help me.
You've got to uncross your legs.

I told you, I'm not very good in bed.
I'm sorry. What is that humming sound?

Oh, I think it's the tendons
in your legs vibrating.

You know what?
Just-- Can you--

One second.

Hello.

I was just thinking
about you too, Steve.

Hurry up.
We don't wanna lose our momentum.

Hi.

I miss you too.

Is she there?
Okay. Okay.

- Bye.
- Ready for more?

I can't do this. I'm in love
with a married pilot from Dallas.

That's our hub.

- Uh-huh.
- You know who I feel really sorry for?

His wife.

- He's off cheating on her.
- With you?

Get out.

What'd I do?
I'm crazy about you, baby.

- Get out.
- You smell nice.

- I almost opened up to you. Get out.
- Are those your shoes?

- Out!
- Those are beautiful shoes.

You're certainly in a hurry
this morning. Aren't you gonna eat?

Gotta get to the office.

- You mean you have to get to her.
- What?

You're having an affair, aren't you?

What's wrong with you?

You hate work. All you talk about
is how it bores you.

And suddenly you're rushing out the door
to get to your job. What's her name?

I'm not having an affair.

It's Pamela who works down the hall.

I've seen the way she looks at you,
Roland. The woman is a slut.

She's in a wheelchair, Nadine.

Yeah, and don't think she doesn't
play that for all it's worth.

Okay, you wanna know
what's going on?

- You wanna know the truth?
- I think I deserve that much.

Okay, this is classified,
so it's just between you and me.

A couple of days ago on an Arizona West
flight, there was an incident.

The crew almost lost control.

One of the passengers
was shooting video.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but
something made contact with the plane.

The thing is,
I don't have an answer for it.

For the first time in 22 years,
I don't know what the hell happened.

There's something about that--

about the not knowing.

Look at me? I'm getting goose bumps
just thinking about it.

It's what I've been waiting for. I've
been waiting for this, and it's come.

- You understand?
- Does she have bigger tits than me?

I'm gonna figure this out.

I'll take that as a yes.

I'll be late.

Damn.

- Can I help you?
- I'm looking for Perry.

You know Perry?

Yeah, but not too well.
I'm his wife.

His wife?

Well, Perry's a very lucky man,
if I may say.

Very lucky.

- Harold Anderson.
- Helen. He's probably in the vault.

Excuse me,
I'm looking for Perry Gordon.

- Is it okay if I wait in his office?
- Sure, that'll be fine.

- All right, thank you. Hi.
- Hi.

Hey. Were you
at the AA meeting last night?

Yes, I saw you there.
Your speech was very good.

Thanks.
Do you work here?

Commercial and home loans.
Not too exciting. Just a normal guy.

There's nothing wrong with normal.
Do you know where Perry Gordon is?

- Oh, you know Perry?
- Well, no.

He backed into my car last night.
I've got an estimate for him.

- Could you give this to him?
- Sure.

- You have beautiful handwriting.
- That's the mechanic.

Well, this part down here
where you signed your name-- lovely.

So, how long you been
in the program?

- Program?
- AA.

Oh. Oh, that. I'm not involved in
the program. Perry just took me there.

Oh, so he's in the program?

Not that I know of. You know, this would
make fantastic dinner conversation.

- What were you doing there then?
-Just checking it out.

Have you had any chance
to think about dinner yet?

Oh, God, I get it. You're one of those
guys who goes to AA to pick up women.

That's sick. How can you
take advantage of people like that?

Perry took me there.
I had no idea what it was. How's 8:00?

Excuse me, may I?
Here's the estimate. Okay?

And I hope the next time you take
a pathetic jaunt to AA...

you drive a bit more carefully.

-What is she talking about?
-I'm as confused as you are, sweetheart.

Come on. Look, I just put everything
I have into this car.

If you don't wanna go through
your insurance, fine. Write me a check.

Is that where you were last night?

That's why you didn't want to tell me.
You were at an AA meeting.

Now you know.
I hope you're happy.

You'll get your check.

- Why couldn't you tell me?
- I wasn't sure I was strong enough...

to stay committed to the program...

and I didn't want to disappoint you
if I dropped out.

Baby, I had no idea.

It's been tough, but thank God,
so far so good.

That's such a brave thing you're doing,
I can hardly believe it.

One day at a time, sugar.
One day at a time.

- I'll walk you out.
- I love you so much.

Now that I know, I'm gonna do
everything in my power...

to make sure you never take
another drink for the rest of your life.

Thank you.

- That was his wife?
- Yeah.

Right. He's married and going
to AA meetings to pick up women?

What a humongous sleazebag.
Are you married?

No, so I guess that means
we're on for dinner?

Nice meeting you.

- What planet are you from?
- What do you mean?

I guess you really
wanna go out with me...

and I say no and you're okay,
and that's that.

- Put a little effort into it.
- Are you asking me out?

No. No, I'm not asking you out.
Why would you think that?

If I was asking a man out,
he'd know it.

- Right.
- Yeah.

You know, I have a feeling
that you're not what you appear to be.

You smell nice.

Thanks. Something new.
Just bought it today.

God, why was it never
this complicated before?

I know why. Because before by now, I'd
already be drunk and in bed with a guy.

- How's 6:00?
- Damn it, fine.

Anything. 7:00.

6:45?

Fine.

Tell me something about yourself.

My name is Harold Anderson.
I work in a bank.

And?

More?

I've never met a man
that talks less about himself.

Where were you born?

My turn to ask a question.
What do you do for a living?

Well, I worked in a guitar shop
for a long time...

but when I got sober I realized
I had to get out of there.

- Too many negative influences.
- Uh-huh, such as?

Well, musicians for one.

And I think there was a sign
over the door that said...

''Come in,
pick up the nearest guitar...

and play the beginning
of' Stairway to Heaven' badly.''

- Uh-huh.
- I was close to going postal.

- So what are you doing now?
- Well, don't laugh...

but I'm working
as a real estate agent.

Yeah. Yeah.

A friend of mine has an office
and she helped me study for my license.

So now I'm out there
trying to sell houses.

- How's it going?
- I guess it's okay.

I'm six weeks into it and I come to find
you don't get paid till you sell. Great.

So what exactly is your mission?

- I'm sorry.
- Your mission in life?

Like my mission is
to get to know myself...

so that I can actually end up focusing
less on myself and more on others.

I think.

I believe I was put here on Earth
to have a child.

Wow.

I've never heard a man say that.

I would love to have kids.
I just hope I'm ready...

because we transfer
all our dysfunction onto our kids.

I don't wanna be guilty of that.
I've already totally fucked up my dog.

I wanna have a child.
That's all I want.

- What's that noise?
- Cheap sound system.

- I don't trust you.
- Why?

Because all men are the same.

They'll say whatever they have to
to get into your pants.

That's terrible.
What would it be?

- What?
- The thing to say to get in your pants.

It's a little messy.

- How long have you been working on it?
-Just a couple of months...

but I can already tell
I'm never gonna stop.

You know, one day, I'm happy--
the breakfast nook should be yellow--

next minute, I'm down--
I repaint it blue.

- It was black a couple of days ago.
- Black breakfast nook?

Yeah. Doesn't work. Trust me.

Why don't you take out
that arch thing altogether?

The whole thing?

I have a feeling that what's out there
is more interesting anyway.

What are these?

Part of this whole thing that I'm doing,
this whole changing thing...

I'm supposed to turn myself over
to a higher power.

My only problem is, I'm having
a little trouble choosing one...

so I'm just covering my ass.

- Higher power?
- God. Or what ever you wanna call it.

I'm looking into each one until I find
the one that connects with me.

- How will you know?
- I'll just know.

- How?
- Well, I'll feel something, I guess.

This one looks very old.

Actually it's not old.
I got this on QVC.

You don't care about this.
You're just tricking me.

There's no way to prove
that a God exists.

- So?
- So, then, why look?

- That's not the point.
- Then what is the point?

Oh, God, I knew this normal-guy-
normal-life thing had a big catch.

Harold, please, Harold.

I have to stop.

No, I can't do this.

Part of this whole thing
about me changing my life...

and living by a different set
of rules is--

You're gonna laugh, but I decided
I'm not gonna have sex till I'm married.

Sorry?

You see, I am finally free
not to have to have sex.

You have any water?
Never mind. I'll help myself.

Thanks for coming.

I don't understand what's to talk about.
Have you gotten a woman pregnant yet?

I'm very close, but there are variables
the simulator didn't prepare me for.

I warned you about that.
You're close?

Yes, but the woman I have the best
chance with, she wants to get married.

Three billion females on the planet,
and you pick one who wants marriage.

- Yes.
- That is bad luck.

- What should I do?
- Marry her.

But I'm not trained for marriage.
Perry tells me it's a living hell.

- Who's Perry?
- This guy at work.

He didn't even think Susan
was that hot.

Who's Susan? Why is she hot?
Is she on fire?

Susan is the woman.

You know the projections.
Earth probes are at Jupiter right now.

In three generations,
they'll know about us.

Our takeover must be complete by then.
Marry her, impregnate her.

Don't call me again. The more contact,
the greater the risk of discovery.

Thanks a lot.

Did you notice anything unusual
about the jolt that hit the plane?

Well, it wasn't like anything
I've ever experienced.

Did you see anything fly by the aircraft
around the time of the jolt?

I was busy trying to keep things calm
in the cabin.

- A lot of panic?
- You can imagine.

Except for one jerk.

He started hitting on me right after.
He acted like nothing even happened.

Can you believe that?

Tell me about the guy
that was hitting on you.

Darn it, I knew I shouldn't
have said anything.

Okay, I went out with a passenger.
I'm guilty.

Excuse me?

Listen, I know we're not supposed
to date passengers...

but I met this guy after the flight
at a function.

We went back to my place,
but nothing happened.

So you first noticed him
after the jolt?

Yes, he was very obnoxious.

What was he like before the jolt?

I don't remember seeing him
before the jolt.

Did you notice anything peculiar
or unusual about him?

Not really.
Until we got to my place.

Then there was something odd.

- Go on.
- Again, nothing happened...

but while we were fooling around...

there was
this strange humming sound...

coming from his pants.

From the front or the back?

The front.
From the crotch area.

I don't suppose
you remember his name.

Harold Anderson.

There was no Harold Anderson
on that flight.

Oh, my God.

We have a problem funding your loan.
We did some checking...

and it turns out there's
five frozen yogurt places...

- right within a one-mile radius.
- Hey, stranger.

Hey, it's you.

I'm thinking about opening
an account here.

I don't have a lot of money.
I have $7.35.

I'd like to put some of it
into a T-bill, some into stocks...

and the rest I'd just like to save
for a rainy day.

Would you think about marrying me?

All right, I deserved that.

No, I'm serious. I was thinking
about what you said the other night.

Oh, God, everything I said
the other night was such a turnoff.

I went completely overboard.
It was typical Susan.

You know what?
There was some of that...

but, Susan--

- What is your last name?
- Hart.

Susan Hart...

would you do me the honor
of marrying me?

You're serious.

I'm serious.
I wanna marry you.

I mean, I could court you
for three months or six months...

or a year, and we could really get
to know each other, then break up...

or we could do something
that I think we both want now:

have a child.

Wow, and I just came in
to ask you to lunch.

- You really mean this?
- Yes.

- Can I think about it?
- If you think you have to.

This room will be perfect
for the baby.

- Oh, you have a baby?
- We're having one in about six months.

Congratulations.
That's wonderful.

I'm sure they'll accept our offer.
You're going to be very happy here.

- Thank you. You've been great.
- We'll talk to you soon.

- What?
-Just fuck her in front of me!

You're never getting' pregnant again.
Never!

It's insanity.

Come on, Sus. You're off the booze,
off the musicians.

You're finally free of that bullshit,
and now you wanna get married?

And to a man you barely know?

Don't make me put together
an intervention. I don't have time.

- Thank you.
- This is Susan's life.

She knows what's best for her.
It's not our place to pass judgment.

That's right. If she wants to marry
and make a complete idiot of herself...

it's her choice.

- Is that the waiter?
- No, just a gay guy without jacket.

- Why's getting married a bad choice?
- She doesn't even know the man.

There's something to be said
for jumping off the diving board...

Life is short.

Marry the wrong guy,
and it gets pretty long.

- I am almost completely dehydrated.
- What do you wanna do, Susan?

I can tell you what she's thinking.

She thinks being single is great,
but then she goes onto the street...

or into people's homes
and sees babies everywhere.

- They're taking over.
- I used to think the same thing.

Then I would look at those little shits
and it would make me so angry...

because it looks like
they're taunting you by saying...

''Why don't you have one ofmeyet?
Why areyou such a big loser?"

- You don't like my baby?
- Liz, your baby's adorable.

As soon as her head gets normal,
she's gonna be gorgeous.

- Her head is normal.
- I'm kidding.

I wanna find out more
about this guy.

- Is he rich?
- You can't ask that.

- Why not?
- Because she doesn't know. Okay?

How can you have a child
with a man you don't even know?

Excuse me, you were
artificially inseminated, remember?

Yes, I was, but I knew the technician
longer than she's known this guy.

I'm out of time.

Do you really have to go?

I'm running out of time.

No, I think that would be great.
I'm looking forward to it.

Someone's on the other line.
Hello?

Hi, Harold, it's me.

Hey, me.

Yes.

The answer is yes.
I will marry you.

Hold on.

Debbie, I'm not gonna be able to go
roller-blading with you after all.

I'm getting married.
Bye.

I'm back, Mrs. Anderson.

I like the sound of that.

Me too.

- You sure you don't mind?
- No, I'll handle it. This everything?

Yeah, this is all my work for next week,
so if any clients call...

you'll have all their information.

You work fast, man.
I didn't even know you were doing her.

I'm not.

You're marrying a woman
you've never had sex with?

Are you insane?
Didn't you see The Crying Game?

You think she's got the goods
under her skirt, lift it up...

it's Oscar Mayer time.

Really, I'm--
Is this your third quarter report?

Yeah, Fisk won't need this
till I get back.

- Damn it! Let's go. Listen to me.
- What?

What am I talking about here?
I'm such a downer.

Imagine not banging your wife
until you're married. How romantic.

- Right.
- You have a great wedding.

Everything will work out fine,
not that that's ever happened. Kidding.

- Congratulations.
- Hey, thanks again for doing this.

Go get her, tiger.

I promise to respect you
even if I don't always understand you.

I will honor you
and take care of you...

and though it's not politically correct,
I will obey you...

as long as your request
is reasonable.

I will...

be mother to your children...

and love you until death
do us part.

Very nice.

- Harold?
- Present.

- No, your vows are next.
- This is where they all get nervous.

Susan, I'm so happy
we're getting married.

Well, you know what they say:
Sometimes less is more.

Harold and Susan, by the powers
granted to me by the state of Nevada...

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You can kiss the bride.

Stop. I never thought I'd say this,
but I can't take anymore.

- A few more times?
- No. Where did you learn that?

- Learn what?
- You're amazing.

I've had so many orgasms, some are
still stacked up, waiting to land.

Aren't you tired?

Tired of waiting.
Come on, let's get it on.

Let's talk.

Okay.

I loved our wedding, but I still wish
we'd gotten married in a church.

I always dreamed of a wedding
like that.

Me too.

Stop. Stop.

I thought we'd take one of those
helicopter trips over Hoover Dam.

- When we could be making love?
- Harold, I need a break.

We've been screwing
for 21 hours non-stop.

- We had room service.
- We did it while I ate.

If I knew that was gonna happen,
I wouldn't have ordered the soup.

You know, this is what I heard happens
after you get married--

the woman loses interest in sex.

I love sex with you...

but I wanna do something that involves--
I don't know-- standing.

Let's do some goofy tourist thing.

Like what?

So, back to the room then?

- Knock, knock.
- Perry.

- I'm very impressed with this work.
- Thank you.

Not only have you done your work,
but you've done Anderson's as well.

This third quarter report is brilliant.
I didn't know you had it in you.

Now you do. I hope you keep that in mind
when you pick a new vice president...

for this bank.

Well, I have to admit that Harold had
the inside track, but--

I don't know if I trust Anderson.

It's strange, but what kind of guy
marries a chick after one date?

I smell some sort of cult thing.
I mean...

I have no facts at all
to back that up...

but if they show up dead
with 30 or 40 of their best friends...

then we'll know for sure.

- Well, I'm sure he's not--
- Not to tell tales, he is kinda lazy...

except for when you're around.

The rest of the time he sits around
talking about his time in prison.

- Ah, wasn't supposed to mention that.
- I'm back.

Harold, hello.

- Hey, buddy, how was the honeymoon?
- Good.

Great. How's Vegas? Never mind.
How many times you bang the wifely?

Hundred twenty-six.

Come on. How many?

Hundred twenty-six. Why?

You serious,
1 26 times in a week?

Harold, there's a Mr. Roland Jones
here to see you.

Excuse me.

I thought you said he was lazy.

- Hi, Harold Anderson.
- Hi, Roland Jones.

- Have a seat.
- Thanks. I won't take up much time.

I'm with
the Federal Aviation Authority.

Don't tell me
the government needs a loan.

That's another story.
Maybe you can help me out here.

You were on an Arizona West flight
from Seattle a couple weeks ago?

- Were you not?
- Maybe. I'd have to check my planner.

Let me help to remind you
of the flight.

The plane experienced
a severe episode of turbulence.

Well, I don't remember it
being that scary.

I remember a small bump. Was there
a mechanical problem that caused that?

Do you still have your ticket?
That would really be a help.

I wish I did.
I throw all that stuff out.

- You don't save it for the records.
- Don't keep records.

Don't tell my boss. I could win
a Pulitzer Prize for fiction...

for some of my expense reports.

I won't waste any more of your time.

Little light reading.

Have you seen this month's issue
of Playboy?

Check out this month's Playmate.

Tell me if you think
those babies are real.

- I think those are real.
- Me too.

I'll be in touch.

God.

Okay, so, where are the pictures?

- Pictures?
- Yeah, of the honeymoon.

My friend, you have the moral obligation
to bore the shit out of me with them.

- I don't have any.
- You didn't take any pictures?

No, I took some, but I wanted to get
the roll filled up before processing it.

You took less than one roll
of pictures on your honeymoon?

- Yeah.
- What is that?

I guess she was kept busy
doing other things.

You could say that.

It was pretty great.

I'll bet.

- There's just one thing.
- Yes, well, there's always one thing.

I don't know how serious this is
or if I should be worried...

but--

- What?
- Well--

How should I put this?

When he's aroused,
his penis vibrates.

- Hey, two-two-two mints in one.
- Wait a second.

- What do you mean, it vibrates?
- Vibrates is not really the word.

It's more like a--
There's a humming sound.

I was with a black guy once.
His penis whistled when he got excited.

Oh, stop it.
It did not.

- What did it whistle?
- The score from ''Guys and Dolls.''

- It just whistled. Isn't that enough?
- You would ask that.

Every time we had sex,
I thought I was making tea.

- Hi, honey, you're home.
- Well, hello.

- You remember the girls?
- Yes, hello.

Show time.

- I guess you don't like my friends.
- Why do you say that?

Well, you barely acknowledged them.
What's the problem?

I don't know.
They're your friends.

What's wrong?

Nothing.
I had a bad day at work.

Wanna talk about it?

Have you taken a pregnancy test yet?

No, but I'll take another one
in a couple days.

You're not even looking at me
when I talk to you.

Okay, you're looking at me,
but you're not really looking at me.

I'm looking right at you.
I'm listening, I swear.

I'm sorry.

It's probably not you. It's probably me.
Can we just have a conversation?

Oh, Christ.

Turn that thing off.

Maybe you should pee on it again.

- You pee on it. I'm done.
- I just wanna be sure.

I'm starting to feel like I'd be nothing
to you if I couldn't conceive.

- What if I can't have a baby?
- You can have a baby.

I've led a pretty wild life.
All that sex and drinking.

- Maybe I can't conceive.
- How much sex and drinking?

- That's not the point.
- Well, you brought it up.

- How would we know for sure?
- I don't know. I'd need an exam.

Let's call and schedule something.

I have to talk to you.

- What?
- Nothing.

You said you wanted to talk.

I changed my mind.

Okay.

- What are you thinking?
- Who?

You. What are you thinking
right now?

I don't remember.

Look, it's not like the world's gonna
stop spinning if I can't have a child.

I mean, there's such a thing
as adoption.

That's a viable alternative.

What are you thinking now?

I'm thinking that you're telling me
you can't have a baby.

- Is that all you're thinking?
- Let me think. Yeah.

I wanna have a child.
I'm as into having a child as you are...

but I'm getting this vibe from you--

this vibe that says
I'm holding out on you...

or I don't want it
as much as you do.

Whether I can have a child,
or if I can't...

there has to be
more to this relationship...

like, for instance,
maybe some communication...

and a little feeling,
which is not what I'm getting.

I suggest you start opening up here
and stop pressuring me about the baby...

because at this point, I'm ready
to buy a baby and shove it up your ass.

This might be a good time...

to sit next to me
and try to comfort me.

You might wanna consider
putting your arm around me.

Try to put some feeling into it.

Not that kind of feeling.

Jesus, Harold.

At times like this,
I feel like I don't even know you.

Well, you don't.

- Maybe that's why you feel that way.
- What?

You don't really know me.
You don't.

I don't know what to say.

Why don't you just try
talking to me like a human being?

I have to take a little walk.
I'll be right back.

- Why are you drinking?
- You gotta get me outta this.

When we met, she liked it
that I didn't talk about myself.

Now she wants to know every damn thing
I'm thinking and feeling.

- Who?
- Susan, the wife. It's a living hell.

And this guy Perry at work...

he turned in my third quarter report
and claimed the work was his own.

What if he gets the promotion?

I am this close to taking off the penis
and coming home.

You'll do no such thing.
Your penis is staying right where it is.

- How's it working?
- It's a major pain in the ass.

- They installed it too far back?
- No, it hums.

I'll have them work on it. That's
why you're here-- to make adjustments.

She thinks she may not even be able
to have a baby.

Isn't that great? What am I supposed
to do if she can't have a child?

I've got four million men
waiting for you to succeed.

If this woman can't have a baby, find
someone who can and get her pregnant.

All right, I'll cheat on my wife.

I don't know what that means.
I want you to complete your mission.

Fine, I'll get
someone else pregnant.

Stop drinking.

And don't worry.
I'll get on your penis right away.

Could you say that a little louder?

Just put it in triplicate,
give it to him--

Wait, hang on.
Hang on!

Hello? Randy, just talk.
I can hear ya.

Arizona West, 771 .

The same kind of jolt.
How many jolts were there?

Okay, listen to me.
Do you have a passenger list there?

Okay. Is there
a Harold Anderson on board?

There is?

What a coincidence.

I'm an alien from another planet.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Somewhere way the hell out there.

How come you don't have a head
like a pear with big eyes?

You know, there's a lot of aliens.
We're not the only ones.

Those guys with the big heads scare me.
I wouldn't wanna bump into one of them.

I hear they perform those anal probes.
How primitive is that technology?

'' Hello, we've come six trillion miles
to study your ass.

We're proctologists from space.''

Could I have another one here?

What's it all about?

It--

Yeah, go ahead and rest.

Hey, Helen.

- Harold.
- Hey. Helen, right?

- Yeah. Who's your friend?
- Oh, that's my personal shopper.

Unfortunately,
she only knows how to buy booze.

I think I'll bum one of her cigarettes.
You think she'll miss it?

At this point
I don't think she'd miss a limb.

Light me.

Thanks.
So, how's work?

Bank stuff.
Nothing exciting.

Nothing exciting?
I wouldn't say that.

I've always loved numbers and math,
ever since I was a little girl.

I find it fascinating.

And you get to deal with
all that money all day--

just thinking about it
makes me hot.

Oh, you're making a noise.

That's my penis.
It hums.

Guess it doesn't know the words.

I could teach it a few.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

Damn it!

Goddamn it, come on!

I'm sorry, Helen.
I can't do this.

Well, I can do whatever you need.
What do you need?

- I need to go home.
- To your wife?

Don't tell me you feel guilty.

Guilty?

Just when you're found

With your chin on the ground

There's a lot to be learned

Solookaround

Just what makes
that little old ant

Think he'll move
that rubber tree plant

Anyone knows an ant

Can't move a rubber tree plant

But he's got high hopes

He's got high hopes

He's got

High apple-pie-in-the

Sky hopes

Congratulations, Dad.
We're pregnant.

I don't believe it.
I did it!

I helped.

Now you can't leave me.

- Morning, Melanie.
- Morning'.

-Jessie, how are the kids?
- Great.

Dave, don't say it. Have a cigar.
Your face says you got some last night.

Good man.

Morning, Harold.
I heard the good news. Congratulations.

Thank you.

By the way, I've been thinking
more seriously about that promotion.

- I hope you haven't decided yet.
- It's close between you and Perry.

His third-quarter report was
a knockout. But we'll see what happens.

- Speaking of Perry, have you seen him?
- In the vault. He's looking for you.

- Thank you, Harold.
- You're welcome.

So, you see the balance of power
changing eventually in the Middle East.

Well, it has to, eventually...

because a high percentage
of Israelis practice birth control...

whereas a high percentage
of people in the Arab nations do not.

I've heard this theory, but it sounds
a little crazy, maybe even paranoid.

Now, your interpretation
of it might be paranoid...

but the fact is that the Arabs are
having more children.

In a couple of generations
they'll be able...

to control the voting in Israel,
hence take over.

So, what are you saying?
They're getting control from within?

That's the idea.

Well, what about your feelings
on Barach and Netanyahu?

Well, I certainly feel--

I think I got it.
I think I know why he's here.

What are you doing?

- I'm leaving.
- You're leaving?

I found this in your bottom drawer
under your winter pants.

That's not for your eyes, Nadine.

Can you tell me why you have
a picture of a naked man...

touching himself in the drawer
under your winter pants?

That's not a man.
That's the alien.

- Oh, the alien.
- Alien/banker.

I don't know what I'll do if you tell me
you're gay. Please don't tell me that.

I'm not gay.

I'm tracking an alien.
He's here to have sex with our women.

You can't tell it from the picture,
but his penis hums.

It makes a noise like that water heater
we had in the Deer Valley time-share.

I'm not making this up, Nadine.

I'm going to prove everything.

Oh, my God.
You've done it again, Roland.

It's always like this with you,
isn't it? You get obsessed with things.

Anything to avoid intimacy.

You lost your first wife
'cause you got hooked on golf.

- The second because of other women.
- Hey, you were one of'em.

Golf I can understand.
Other women I can understand.

But this--
aliens having sex with people--

how does that make me feel?

Please tell me you're having an affair
with a beautiful female stripper...

instead of a man, so that I can
at least look at myself in the mirror.

Baby, I swear I'm not.

This is not
what I want my life to be.

I think Helen's having an affair.

- What makes you think that?
- Another man's belt in my bedroom.

- Are you sure it's not yours?
- Positive. It was Armani.

I don't wear Armani.
Only queers wear Armani.

- The shower curtain was ripped.
- Maybe she slipped.

Everything's weird. Fisk nearly caught
me and Rita in the vault yesterday.

Wow.

Did you tell him
I was in the vault with Rita?

- You fucking my wife?
- No, and no.

- You sure?
- Why would I do that?

To get even with you for giving Fisk
my third-quarter report?

Oh, whoa.
Where does that come from?

What did I do to deserve that...

other than just extend the hand
of friendship in helping you in general?

- After everything I've done for you?
- What have you done for me?

What have I done for you?

That hurts worse. Did I not take you
to the place where you met your wife?

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

Geez, just try to relax.
You are wound as tight as a drum.

Do us both a favor, okay?

I'll be in the vault for about
30 minutes. Cover for me with Fisk.

Sure.

Asshole.
Not you, sir.

They try the reverse.

Have some running room.

Cuts it back inside, but the pursuit
will catch up.

That's quarterback Tim Schaffer
coming to chase him out-of-bounds.

On a wet field it just takes too long
for a reverse to really happen.

I expect he gets the ball
you're gonna see the quarterback...

number 14,Jason Behr, with a block
that just takes too long.

- Tim Schaffer knocks him out-of-bounds.
- Hi.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.

Come on. You wanna
go in the other room and fool around?

- Fourth quarter.
- Is there something wrong?

No. Why?

Well--
I hope I'm not gonna say this--

I am.

It seems you got more distant since
I got pregnant-- or is it my hormones?

- I think it's just your hormones.
- I don't think so.

- I don't know what you mean.
- You haven't touched me in weeks.

- Are you going to turn that off?
- No, I'm turning the sound up.

Okay, let me.

Okay, maybe I haven't touched you
as much as I used to...

but that's no reason
to destroy the remote.

Where are you going?

I'm going to buy a new remote, otherwise
we'll have to keep getting up and down.

Excuse me, we have plans...

or have you forgotten?

- We have plans?
- Yes.

I was thinking about
going to look at cribs for the baby.

- You didn't tell me that.
- Well, I'm telling you now.

You know what? Don't let me hold you up.
You just go get your precious remote.

We won't worry about the crib.

The baby can sleep in a dresser drawer
for the first year of its life. Just go.

- What are you doing?
- You said ''go.'' Bye.

It's called a universal remote.
It comes with codes...

for every make and model of TV and VCR,
and all you do is...

punch in the code for your equipment,
and you're in business.

Yes-- modern technology.

You said it.

- What do you think of Aaron?
- Who's Aaron?

No, for the baby if it's a boy.

- You said you were six weeks pregnant?
- Yeah.

Is something wrong?

Who are you calling?

Tom, could you come in here
a second?

I'm sure it's nothing to be
alarmed about. Have you had any pain...

or any other symptoms
that are out of the ordinary?

No, I haven't had a single problem.
I haven't even had morning sickness.

Oh, Tom...

look at this.

Looks like a perfectly formed
four- or five-month-old fetus.

Yeah. She's at six weeks.

- Harold, I'm scared.
- There's nothing to worry about.

He said it was healthy.
That's the important thing, right?

- Did you see Rosemary's Baby?
- Rosemary who?

- No, it's--
-Just rest. Don't think about it.

- Oh, thanks.
- No problem.

- Easy, easy.
- Thanks.

There ya go. Okay.

Don't.

Thank you all so much.

Thank you, Hank.

Hey, Anderson!

You're a little late, it's 1 1:00.

I'll let it slide, seeing as it's
my first day as vice president.

- You got the promotion?
- And you didn't.

Well, there is always
five years from now. Champagne?

Harold, don't take it so hard.

- Do I smell tears?
- What is your fucking problem?

You stole my third-quarter report...

and you've been having sex
with a co-worker during office hours...

and you go the promotion, which can
only mean you've been blowing the boss.

You know, I've met some pathetic humans
in my life, but you take the cake.

Like you're so much better.
You think I don't know it was you...

who sent Fisk to the vault, and that was
your Armani belt, you prick!

Maybe you wouldn't have to go around
banging other people's wives...

if your old lady wasn't a drunk!

- You're crazy!
- I don't even remember hitting him.

All I know is he was talking,
and I was filled with this feeling...

of I don't know what because he got
the promotion and stole my work...

and now he's gonna make more money than
me, and we have a baby on the way...

and I hit him.

- I don't know who I am anymore.
- You're being too hard on yourself.

You're just human, that's all.

Oh, shit. I'm bleeding.

You're not.
You're crying.

- I love the way you look at the stars.
- Oh, I was just, you know, looking.

No, it's different.
When most people look at the stars...

they look all over--
you're always very focused...

like you're looking at the same one
every time.

I feel so much better
when I'm with you.

That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

I didn't say it to be nice,
it's just a fact.

Well, that's even nicer,
I guess.

- I'm sorry about that remote thing.
- That's okay.

Are you gonna make love to me?

I believe so.

I'm pregnant.

I know.

- I don't know what the problem is.
- You have a problem listening to me.

- What are you talking about?
- Stop being so stubborn, okay?

Hi.

- Harold, why are you here?
- I think we should buy this house.

- Buy it?
- That's right. Why not?

Come on, it's a beautiful house,
and it would be perfect for the baby.

- You can't be serious.
- I am. I'm dead serious.

Come on.
You won't be needing this anymore.

- Look, this is our cactus.
- I couldn't even imagine--

I don't either.

Universal domination--
taking over from the inside...

through deception and fraud.

I know it sounds improbable,
but I believe in what I'm saying 100%.

So, this person is here
to have sex.

- Correct.
- Did his planet run out of pussy?

I know it sounds insane, but I have the
passenger list of all three flights...

that experienced
the same strange turbulence.

Harold Anderson was on all these
flights, gentlemen. Explain that...

and you will never hear
another word from me about the subject.

Oh, it's too small.
Try raising your hands over your head.

Well, how often do you have to raise
your hands higher than this, honey?

- It's perfect.
- No, I'll exchange it.

Your turn.
I got you a present.

Open it.

All right.

The crib!

Oh, this is the one I wanted.

Well, this one's for the baby,
but maybe you can both squeeze into it.

Oh. Oh, God.

What's wrong?

- I feel like I'm being ripped apart!
- It's okay. Just hang on!

- You're driving too fast.
- I thought you wanted me to hurry.

I do, but slow down!

God!

- Is this amount of pain normal?
- Yes.

Did you hear that? This amount of pain
is normal. That's a good sign.

- Shut up, asshole!
- She's fine.

- They're not home.
- The Andersons?

They're at the hospital
having their baby.

- I love babies.
- Shit. Which hospital?

Oh, she told me
a couple of weeks ago.

- It's a woman's name.
- Think.

St. Agnes.
No, wait. That's my name.

It was St. Agatha's.

Come on.

Give us another push, Susan.

Give us another push, Susan.

Why are there so many people here?

Considering the unusual nature
of your pregnancy...

I thought we should have
some specialists on hand, just in case.

- Is that meant to make me feel better?
- Her blood pressure's dropping.

We're gonna have to do a C-section.

- God help me.
- Hold it. I see the head.

Keep pushing, Susan.
Give me some pushes.

- Please. Please.
- Come on.

- What's happening?
-Just give me a second.

- All right, suction here, please.
- Harold, what--

- Oh, God, I can't hear my baby.
- I can't see anything.

This is the strangest,
most incredible--

Mr. and Mrs. Anderson...

say ''hello'' to your
completely healthy new baby boy.

Better not tell anyone
about this three-month pregnancy.

Everyone's gonna want one.

You okay?

Look at him.
We made this. This is us!

It's a miracle.

I can't wait to see him again.

You were so cute
in the delivery room.

I'll always remember your face
when they handed him to you.

I want you to remember that.

What's wrong?

- Harold, what is it?
- I have to leave.

- Leave the hospital?
- Yeah.

When will you be back?

- I'm not coming back.
- What?

I don't want to go.
I have to.

You're not coming back?

No. Maybe I should have
just left.

This seems worse.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Harold Anderson.
His wife is having a baby.

They are in the maternity wing,
I believe in the delivery room.

You can't go in there, sir!

Sir, you are not allowed in there!

Get out.

Get the hell away from me.
I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.
I did it again!

- I did it again!
- I know you're angry.

You coward!

Two minutes with your child,
and you're scared shitless.

Get him out.
Get him out of here! Get out!

- Good-bye.
- Get out!

All onus here at St. Agatha's
would like to wish you...

a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year.

- I need to talk to Harold Anderson.
- Is he in the military?

- Where is he?
- His wife's here, but he's gone.

- Can I talk to her?
- This isn't a good time.

If you find the bastard, give him
a swift kick in the pants for me.

Ten minutes after the baby's born,
he leaves his wife.

- What kind of sick person is that?
- He's goin' back. I know where he is.

Come on.

Excuse me there, chief.
Hi, merry Christmas.

I'm lookin' for a passenger
on one of your flights--

Harold Anderson, usual spelling.

We're just about to push away.

- Welcome aboard.
- Hi. Howya doin'?

This is your captain. We'll be flying
at an average altitude of 31,000 feet...

so sit back and enjoy the flight.

- So I gave her a C-section.
- Dr. Weitzman.

- We've got a problem.
- What is it?

It's about the Anderson baby.

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has
turned off the "fasten seatbelts "sign.

For your safety and the safety
of those around you...

we suggest that you remain seated
with your seatbelt securely fastened.

- Thank you. Enjoy your flight to Reno.
- Excuse me.

- Excuse me, I need to get by.
- Oh, sorry.

Why do you pack away exactly what you
need? And these aisles are so narrow--

What do I look like--
fuckin' Andy Rooney? Get outta the way!

Excuse me. Watch your back.
Watch your back. Excuse me.

Comin' through.
Watch your back, please.

Excuse me.
Comin' through.

No, I'm okay, really.
I don't need anything.

Just a mild sedative. It'll help
keep you calm while you recuperate.

I know you've had some bad news...

and, believe me,
I hate to give you more...

but we believe that your husband
has taken the baby.

We've contacted the authorities.

I'm fired?

No, you're just
taking a year's sabbatical.

And that will bring you
up to your retirement.

- So, I'm fired.
- No.

You're taking a sabbatical,
and then you're retiring.

I saw him walk into the lavatory.
When I opened the door, he was gone.

Yeah. Do you hear what you're saying?
Is there any awareness of that?

Why don't you just enjoy
your time off?

Rest.

Bastard. Bastard!

I have to go buy a remote control
for the television set.

Well, don't let me stop you.
You go, have a wonderful time.

I wanted to go shopping for clothes for
the baby, but we won't worry about that.

The baby can just go around naked
for the first year of its life. Go.

So I go?

No, you don't go.

- See, that's the interesting thing.
- But she told me to go.

Well, there's a whole layer here
you're missing.

Now you know what I had to deal with.
Take your seat.

And this isn't easy,
so don't beat yourself up over it.

What does that mean?

Just sit down.

I've...

reprogrammed the computer
to more accurately represent...

what you'll be dealing with
on Earth.

If you're looking for an overriding
logic or rationality...

just remember this is Earth
we're dealing with.

- I guess you don't like my friends.
- I like your friends.

You barely acknowledged them.
What's wrong with you?

If you don't talk to me,
how will I know what's wrong?

You gotta open up.
You gotta communi--

I guess you don't like my friends.

You barely acknowledged them.
What's wrong with you?

If you don't talk to me,
how will I know what's wrong?

I mean, you've gotta comm--

It goes on and on
like that for hours.

Human relationships are filled
with conflict.

The whole planet is filled
with conflict.

That's not bad, because it's through
conflict we learn about ourselves.

I don't understand that.

Questions?

I see some confused faces.

You see...

here on our planet,
we have no emotion or conflict...

so we've never had to
look inward at ourselves.

That's helped us become a technological,
intellectual force in the universe...

but I really think it's a dead end,
I mean--

To be honest with you, I question
why we're even taking over Earth.

Why?
So we can make them like us...

when in fact we can learn from them,
and they can remind us...

of who we were before--

Excuse me.

Why does Graydon want to see me?

You know, if you don't talk to me,
I won't know what's wrong.

My baby. That's my baby!

Wait a minute.
What's my baby doing here? Stop!

Wait a minute.

Stop!

I can't have you polluting
the minds of others.

- What is my son doing here?
- You're raising your voice.

You bet your ass I am. You never told me
you were going to take the baby.

Did you tell anyone the truth about
who you were and why you were there?

- A woman in a bar.
- We took care of her.

Anyone else? Because anyone you told
would be disposed of.

Why are we taking over Earth?
How much more do we need?

Is that what it's about?
More, more, more?

Yes. I'm sending you
to the purification center.

Take him. I don't want him to remember
anything about his time there...

or about the baby.

Get out of my way.

Okay, get back.
Put your weapons down.

Okay, guys, put your weapons down.
You're scaring the baby.

See? See what you did?

I told you
you were scaring the baby.

- Turn that thing off!.
- Turn it off? You got it started.

You turn it off.
Go ahead.

Turn it off.

This thing's gonna blow.

That's what they do. This is how
it starts, and then it gets worse...

and worse,
and then they explode.

There's gonna be baby
all over the place.

That's my boy.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Just please let me know
as soon as you hear anything.

Okay.

Somebody spotted a man in Michigan.
He matches Harold's description...

and he was carrying a baby.

Hi.

Hi, Liz, Alison.

- My baby. You bastard!
- He's fine.

He's fine.

Do you have any idea what I've
been through in the last two days?

Do you have any clue?

Not exactly, but I'm sure it's been
awful. That's why I brought him back.

How could you take him?
How could you do this?

- How, Harold?
- I didn't.

- Then who did?
- Not me.

Why would I expect you
to tell me the truth at this point?

How sick am I?

Would you take him?

- I'll be right there.
- Okay.

I just have to know
how you could do this to me.

- How, Harold?
- I'll tell you the truth.

- All right.
- I will.

I can wait.
Go ahead.

I'm an alien from another planet.
I was sent here to impregnate a woman.

- Then go back.
- Oh, my God.

But Graydon, the leader of the planet,
came and took the baby...

without telling me,
so I stole the baby back.

And now I'm here.

Is there anyway we can start over?

Is there a history
of mental illness in your family?

I care about you. I think our son
should be with his mother.

This is my son.

This is not our son.

There's no ''us'' anymore,
so there can't be any ''our.''

I'm calling the police now, Harold.

- I can prove I'm an alien.
- Oh, really?

I can make a bright light
come out of my nose.

That must come in handy
on nights you can't find a flashlight.

I can show you the light, or you can
just take my word for it and trust me.

Trust you?

Trust you?
I should trust a man--

I thought I did everything right
this time...

but, no, I married an alien
from another planet.

I'm sorry. I could never give you
what you want because I'm not human.

I could never understand
what love is.

I hope as time goes by
you'll be able to forgive me.

Good-bye.

Well, well, well.
I was right.

I wasn't crazy,
I was right.

- You've got me. Congratulations.
- Nobody believed me.

- My wife didn't even believe me.
- My wife didn't believe me either.

- What is it with these women?
- Don't get me started.

So, what are you going to do now?
Take me in?

To where? My bosses?
They'd fire me.

I couldn't give a rat's ass
about them.

I just had to know the truth
for me, as a man.

I hear ya.

So, what was the plan?
World domination, right?

- Isn't it always?
- Tell me about it.

Look, I'm really in Dutch
with the wife about this whole deal.

Could come with me and show her
that nose-light thing?

- It would get me out of the doghouse.
- It would be my pleasure.

- Great. Let's go.
- No one's going anywhere.

- Who's this guy?
- This is the leader of my planet.

No shit.

You've placed us in a very difficult
position. You're coming with me.

Look, I don't know
what your thing is with him...

but he's gotta
go see my wife first, okay?

You appear intelligent, but when you
open your mouth, the effect is spoiled.

- You might want to drop that, chum.
- Fool.

I have a highly-evolved brain that can
not only block the most intense pain...

but also heal any injury sustained
within a matter of seconds.

You cannot hurt me.

I always had a feeling that
''heal any injury'' thing was bullshit.

- Who's that?
- Graydon, the leader of my planet.

Is he dead?

Yeah. He just killed him.

Well, listen, there's something
I have to talk to you about.

I should be runnin' along.

I was just wonderin'
if it'd be okay if, you know--

- Can I have him?
- I don't see why not.

Excuse me.

Great. Nice meetin' the both of you.
Take care.

Oh, to be clear...

this really was the leader
of your planet, right?

Because if it's your insurance agent or
something, I'm in amazingly deep shit.

You're okay, man.

Thanks.

I got an alien
I got an alien

Do you know what you said in the house,
about not knowing what love is?

Well, I don't know either.

Really?

No, but you married me.
We had a child.

You rescued my child
and brought him back to me...

and then you told me the truth
about who you really are.

Maybe that's your way
of saying you love me?

I don't know.

Me too.

Let us celebrate with Susan and Harold
as they renew their marriage vows...

and let this also be a time
for the rest onus to reflect upon...

and make a renewed spiritual commitment
to our own vows and unions.

Harold and Susan have
written their own vows.

Harold, would you like to start?

Susan, when I married you the first time
I only did it to get into your pants.

Now I'm doing in so I can spend the rest
of my life getting into your pants.

Thank you for marrying me.

I will do everything possible
to make you and our new son...

- Aaron.
- Aaron...

very happy.

That was beautiful, Harold.

- Thank you.
- Now you, Susan.

Harold, meeting you has taught me the
universe is a big screwed-up place...

where everyone's trying
to work out their problems.

But I'm honored to work them out
with you, because I think I love you.

Very cosmic.

And with that,
I again pronounce you man and wife.

You may now kiss.

Oh, that was great.

- That was the wedding I always wanted.
- I know.

- What a perfect day.
- Yeah.

Your friends seem nice.

Listen, I didn't want to bring this up
until after the ceremony...

but they want me to be
leader of the planet.

- You're kidding.
- No.

What did you say?

Well, I told them
I'd have to talk to you about it.

Wow, that's quite an honor.
I'm proud of you.

Thanks. But, you know,
it means we'd have to move there.

I mean, I guess I could commute,
but that's a long commute.

All my friends are here.

Who? Liz and Alison
and what's-her-name?

- Why do you have to do that?
- Sorry.

Besides, I know nothing about your
planet, what the schools are like.

We're a thousand years ahead of Earth.
What do you think the schools are like?

Please slow down.
You're going too fast for the baby.

Don't start. The baby was fine
in the transporter chamber.

Four solar systems,
I never heard a peep.

Okay. I'll commute.

Oh, Christ.
Turn that thing off.