All language subtitles for South.Park.S04E14.1080p.BluRay.DD5.1.x264-W4NK3R_track4_[eng]

Ahh...Dickens.

The imagery
of cobblestone streets,

craggy London buildings,

and nutmeg-filled
Yorkshire puddings.

Hello, I'm a British person.

For years now, the character Pip
has been featured prominently

in the American show
South Park.

However, many Americans don't
realize where Pip came from.

He's the prowling,
adorable little Englishman

from Charles Dickens'
timeless classic

Great Expectations.

And so, tonight,
the makers of South Park

have agreed to take a break
from their regular show

and instead present
the prestigious Dickens tale

in its entirety
from beginning to end.

Indeed,
after watching this show,

you'll know the timeless classic

as if you'd read
the cliffsnotes themselves.

Our story is set in England,

in the small town of
Draffordshire-upon-Topsmart,

where a young blond-haired boy
named Pip

was on his way
to see his parents.

'Ello, Mum.
'Ello, Dad.

It certainly is nice
to see you again.

Don't worry. Sister is still
taking very good care of me.

She just loves
to smack me in the face

and tell me I'm worthless.

Oh, we have such fun together!

Well, it's getting dark,
Mum and Dad.

I'll see you again soon.

Wha--
Wha--
you little Wiversham?

Oh, hello. Why, you look
like an escaped convict.

Did we breakie-wakies
out of prison?

Oh, dear,
but you're shackled.

Here, let me help you.

What are you doing
with those?

I'm an apprentice blacksmith.
There you are.

And here's a sandwich.
You must be starving.

Why are you
so easy to help me?

It's not for me
to judge you, sir.

We are all the same.

Don't quite all smell the same,
though, I'm afraid.

Pip, where
have you been?!

Wha--

Lovely day, isn't it?

What the hell's
lovely about it?!

Joe, teach this boy
some bloody cynicism!

Oh, I don't know
about that.

I just like to keep
to me blacksmithing.

Hey, look -I've made me
a metal fire poker.

A lot of bloody good
a fire poker's gonna do

when I'm starving to death!

Why don't you make us
some bloody food to eat?!

Alright, look here--
I made me a metal orange.

Stuff your metal orange,
you bastard!

You're not worth a tablespoon
of nightingale droppings,

you metal-pounding fairy!

And you -why don't you get
a job?! You're 8 years old now!

Oh, lookee here -I've gone
and made a metal newspaper.

Shut up, you silly nit!

What the hell
are we supposed to do

with a metal newspaper?!

Well, for starters,
we can look in the want ads

and see if we can
find Pip a job.

Oh, look here!

"Young man wanted
for paid position."

Where?
- Where?

"Havesham residence
seeks young boy

"to play
with lonely daughter.

"Will pay up to...

20 quid a day?!"

That's a lot of money-woney.

You can keep
a little girl company

for 20 quid a day, Pip.

And old Mrs. Havesham is the
wealthiest woman in the town!

Well, the very next day,

Pip went to old Miss Havesham's
house to inquire about the job,

and it was there that he met
the girl of his dreams.

Who are you?

I've come to answer
the want ad.

Is that so,
you smelly little bastard?

What?!
- This way,
you pathetic squirt.

This way, you beef-witted,
shriveled-up monkey's penis.

Up here, you gamy mass
of baby vomit.

In here.

Oh, after you, miss.

I'm not going in there,

you stupid puddle
of a homeless man's urine.

Who is that?

I've come to answer
the want ad, ma'am.

Come closer.
Look at me.

Does it frighten you
to look upon a woman

who has not seen the sun
in over 20 years?

Oh, no, no!
You sort of look upon women

who have not seen the sun
for over 20 years

quite a lot these days.

I sometimes have sick fancies,

and I have a fancy I should
like to see someone play.

So, play.

Play.

Um...

Estella,
play with this boy.

With him?

But he's just a commoner!

But you can
break his heart.

Alright, boy,
let us play.

Righty-o.
What are we going to play?

We are going to play
a little game called

"smack the blond boy
in the head with a large log."

Yes! My sister and I play
that game all the time!

Who will go first?

Oh, you stupid,
pathetic boy!

What do you think of her?

Well, I -I think
she's very pretty.

Hmm. What else?

I think she's
rather insulting.

You quite fancy her,
don't you?

Come back again next week.
We shall play some more.

That night,
Pip spent all his sleeping hours

unable to get Estella's
beautiful face out of his mind.

Stop dreaming about me,
you slow-witted rectal belch.

Day after day,
Pip visited Estella.

Sometimes they would play.
Sometimes they would talk.

But every single day,
Pip's love for Estella grew.

Don't you want
to play anymore?

Boy, do you still
think I'm pretty?

Oh, well... yes, miss.

And do you still think
I'm insulting?

Oh, um...
not so much as before.

Ow!
- I hate you!

You're an oozing, painful
hemorrhoid that belches pus.

Oh, dear.
- You can kiss me if you like.

Come, let us walk
in the daisy garden.

Oh, what fun it is
to splash about in a fountain!

You there,
the prowling little boy.

I bet you can't
jump on my back.

Go on, then.
Try and jump on my back.

Who is that?

Just another playmate
hired to amuse me.

You didn't think you were
the only one, did you?

Oh, I rather
thought I was.

Oh, you silly,
small-testicled boy.

Come, let us walk
through the rose garden.

Yes, good.

She will break his pathetic
heart into a million pieces.

Well, what a spot
poor Pip was in!

He was hired to be the friend

of the very harsh
and beautiful Estella.

And although she treated him
like dirt--

or perhaps because
she treated him like dirt--

Pip found himself more in love
with the little girl

each and every day.

Oh, bless him!
Isn't he lovely?

But isn't it sad?

Because Pip knew that someone

as sophistated
and as wealthy as Estella

could never love him,

for he was just a simple
blacksmith's apprentice.

And so you bang
on this side,

a bang on that side,

and there you have it--
your very own metal fuzzy dice.

Yes, I see.

Ha ha. Lovely.

Eh, what's all this, Pip?

Joe, do you know
anything about girls?

Sure!

They're those things
with vaginas in them.

But do you know
anything about them,

about how they work?

Oh, I don't know
about that.

I just like to keep
to me blacksmithing.

Do you think that a girl
who's rich and educated

would ever want to be
with a blacksmith?

Oh.

Oh...
No, I don't think so, Pip.

Who could that be?

Joe the blacksmith?
- The same.

I'm a lawyer from London

in search of a young lad
named Pip.

I'm Pip, sir.

I've been sent to offer you

a reasonable sum of money in
exchange for your apprentice.

Oh, well,
Pip's not for sale, sir.

I have a client

who wishes to give
this bright child a future.

Anything he desires.
Do you still object?

Heaven forbid
I should stand in the way

of Pip's future, but--

He will one day inherit
a handsome property,

but the owner
of that property

wants him first
to travel to London

and learn to be a gentleman.

That's great news!

There's only
one condition, Pip--

your benefactor wishes
to remain anonymous.

Oh it must be Miss Havesham.
- Uh-uh!

If you have any suspicion
of who that person might be,

you're to keep it in your
own breast, understood?

Yes, sir.
- Then you will go to London
in a week's time.

Here's 20 sovereigns.

Well, Blacksmith,
you look stunned.

I am, sir.
- Then I shall take my leave.

Good evening, gentlemen,

and we shall see you
in London next week, Pip.

Goodbye, sir.

Pip, a young gentleman...

of great expectations!

You shall stay here with
your roommate, Mr. Pocket.

He is a distinguished
young lad

who will help you on your way
to being a gentleman.

I trust you see
no problem with this?

None, sir.
I should think not.

On up, then, and prepare
for school on the morrow.

Yes, sir!
Thank you, sir!

Mr. Pip.
- Mr. Pocket?

Pray, come in!

Thank you kindly.
You look rather familiar.

As do you. Perhaps we've
seen each other before.

As to our lodging,
it's not splendid.

This is our sitting room--
chairs and tables and carpet.

This is my little bedroom--
rather musty.

And this is your bedroom.

My, how lovely.

What a gay time
we shall have!

Gay as in festive, not as
in penetration of the bum.

You're holding
your bags all this time!

Let me take them!
I'm quite ashamed!

Oh, it's quite alright.
Lord bless me!

You're the gentleman I saw
in Miss Havesham's house!

Yes, of course!
You're the prowling little boy!

What a smashing
coincidence!

Perhaps, but perhaps not.

Miss Havesham
is very generous indeed.

That old biddy -I have nothing
to do with her anymore.

She's absolutely mad.
- What do you mean?

Don't you know about
Miss Havesham's melancholy past?

It's quite a story and shall
be discussed over dinner.

Time for a smashing meal and
the story of Miss Havesham.

Pocket, may I ask you
a favor?

I am desperately trying
to become a gentleman

for the love
of a certain girl.

Will you tell me if I do
something wrong at the table?

You'll do fine, dear fellow.
Now, on to Miss Havesham.

She was raised
by a wealthy father

and grew up to be
a spoiled brat.

I might mention that,
in London, it is not the custom

to put the knife
in the mouth.

Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry.
- Not at all, I'm sure!

Miss Havesham grew up
to be a lovely young lady,
and soon a man came along,

which gets me to the cruel
part of the story--

Merely breaking off to remark
that a dinner napkin

should never be placed
into the tumbler.

Sorry, sorry.
- Not at all, I'm sure!

This man pursued
Miss Havesham closely

and professed
to be devoted to her.

She passionately
loved him back.

The marriage day was fixed,
the wedding dresses bought,

the wedding guests invited,
and finally the day came.

But not the groom.

I break from the tale
only to mention

that one should never pass gas
at the table.

Oh, excuse me.
- Not at all, I'm sure!

The groom never showed.

He simply wrote a letter
that Miss Havesham received

20 minutes
before the wedding.

At half 9:00--
the time when she stopped

all the clocks
in the house.

She laid waste to the house,
as you have seen it,

and has never since
looked upon the light of day.

The story ends, Pip,
with me suggesting

that one should never
pull out their wee-wee

and check it for scabs
whilst at the table.

Terribly sorry, Pocket.
- Not at all, I'm sure!

And so Pip spent
the next several months

learning how to be a gentleman.

He was schooled
in several languages,

he was taught fencing
and marksmanship,

and he was shown how to dance
and how to eat box.

And after it all, after weeks
and weeks of intense schooling,

Pip was finally
a full-fledged gentleman.

Proud of himself, Pip decided
to pay Miss Havesham a visit

to thank her for her generosity

and to see if he was indeed now
good enough for Estella.

Good evening, Miss Havesham.
- Come closer, Pip.

My, you're quite
the gentleman now, aren't you?

Thanks to you.
- Perhaps.

Estella's been off
to school as well.

She's become quite the lady.

Would you like to see
a picture of her?

Oh, my, she is even
prettier than before.

Oh, you love her,
don't you, Pip?

I don't know. I mean,
I think about her every day.

Do you know
what love is, Pip?

It is blind devotion,

unquestioning self-humiliation,
utter submission,

trust and belief
against yourself

and against the whole world,

giving up your whole
heart and soul to smiter.

Righto.
- Love her, Pip.

I developed her
into what she is

so that she might...
be loved.

Yes, but...
Where will I find her?

There's a dance
at the palace tomorrow night.

Estella will be there.

Go and seek her out.
And love her -love her!

Thank you, Miss Havesham,
for everything!

I'm the happiest boy
in the land!

And if she wounds you, love her,

if she tears your heart
into pieces--

and as you get older,
it will tear deeper--

love her!

Yes, our young Pip
had come a long way,

from the apprentice
of a blacksmith

to a fine young gentleman
of great expectations.

And now he was to finally see
his beloved Estella again

at a grand ball held by
the King of England, Tony Blair.

It was here that Pip would
finally and formally ask Estella

to be his girlfriend,

and all would be right
with the world.

Hello! Estella?

Pip! My goodness,
how you've changed.

Yes, I've become
a gentleman.

May I?

I suppose.

So, how is it that you've
learned to dress and dance?

Well, I was sent to be
schooled in London.

I see. And you no longer live
with the blacksmith?

Oh, I see Joe
once in a while,

but I don't have much
in common with him anymore

a gentleman and all.
- Naturally.

It is wonderful to
see you again, Estella.

Is it? Why?

Because I believe
I'm in love with you.

Pip, you must know
that I have no heart.

I think you do.

Oh, I have a heart to be shot
or stabbed in, no doubt,

and if it ceased to beat,
I should cease to be.

But you know what I mean.

I have no softness there,
no sympathy, sentiment.

I see past that, Estella.

I see a little girl
who wants to be warm and kind.

Hey, Estella,
let's get out of here.

Alright, steve.
Just one moment.

Who -who is that?

That is Steve.
He is 17 and has a car.

I see. And you fancy
this Steve fellow?

I should--
he's my boyfriend.

Boyfriend!
- What's the matter, Pip?

I don't understand.
I did everything right.

I stopped being
a poor commoner.

I even blew off
my loving Joe!

It's -it's the way it goes
sometimes, Pip.

He's 17 and has a car.

I'm -I'm very...

I'm...leaving.

Miss Havesham,
you have to talk to Estella.

She's going out with a--

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Mr. Pip.

Miss Havesham. But I--

Don't they make
a handsome couple, Pip?

Look at the way
he holds her hand.

But I don't understand.

You sent me away
to become a gentleman

so that I could be with Estella.

Things aren't always
what they seem, Pip.

Oh, what's the matter?

Did she...break your heart?

Well, I suppose that if you
set out to break my heart,

you did a very good
job of it...

Because it certainly does hurt.

Yes, tell me about the pain.

Tell me about the crushing
and the prickly things.

It's as if
someone has ahold of my heart

and is squeezing it
very tightly.

Yes! And it is somewhat
difficult to breathe.

Hey, wait a second!

You mean this whole thing was
just a setup by your mom?

Is your heart broken as well?
Tell me all about it.

But why do you make
your daughter hurt people?

Why?
Well, that's simple.

Because I need the tears
of broken hearted men

to use in my Genesis device.

You see, my foolish child,
I am growing very old.

But tonight I will fuse my soul
into Estella's once and for all,

and then I can go on
breaking men's hearts

for another generation.

What the hell?!

Estella, prepare yourself
for the Genesis platform.

Oh, no, you don't!

You're my girl, and I'm not
letting you walk out on me!

What the--

And as for you, Pip,

my robot monkeys
should take care of you!

Aah!

Ah!

Pip?

Pip, old chap?
- Joe?

That's right.
You're safe and warm now.

Joe found you lying facedown
in the street, Mr. Pip.

You were in a state. You've been
unconscious for nearly three hours.

Miss Havesham has all the men

who have had their hearts broken
by Estella in her house!

Why would she have
wasted all that time

sending me to school and turning
me into a gentleman?!

Well, about that, Pip...

There's another person
who wants to see you.

'Ello, Pip.
You remember me?

I'll rip off your arms
and shove 'em up your arse!

Why, you're the escaped convict
I helped a long time ago.

Yes.
After you helped me,

I moved to Wales and made
something of myself.

If it weren't for you,

I'd have never
become a millionaire.

He's the one that sent
you to London, Pip.

He's the one that sent you off
to be a gentleman.

You? But why?

Because back then you treated me
like any other person.

You weren't a snob,

and you helped me
like you would a rich man.

Oh, dear. All this time
I thought it was Miss Havesham.

She totally
let me believe it.

I tried to tell you.

She's a vengeful woman
who wanted nothing more

than to see you hurt along
with the rest of the male sex.

Well, I've certainly
learned a lot--

that being a gentleman
doesn't mean learning to dance

or proper table manners.

It means being a gentle man,
gentle to everyone.

Righto, Pip. Righto.

And now I suppose there's
only one thing left to do.

What's that, Pip?

If Miss Havesham is determined
to do this to others...

Let's go kick her ass!

Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!

And now we come to the final act
of the Dickens classic tale

in which the stage is set
for an epic showdown.

Miss havesham's robot monkeys
prove a formidable foe,

but Pip is not about to let
Estella's soul

be forever consumed
by the Genesis device.

And now the thrilling conclusion
of "Great Expectations."

Are you ready, Estella?

Are you ready
to complete the cycle?

Yes, mother.

Not so fast,
you ugly, ancient bitch!

Pip?

Your man-hating days
are over, Havesham!

Quite the contrary,
Blacksmith.

My revenge on the male race
is only about to begin.

Dear God, Pip. Look!

Estella, help me!
I'm your boyfriend!

So am I.
And me.

We were all
Estella's boyfriends

at one time or another,
and now we're doomed.

Yes, cry away, males.

Once your tears have collected
into the Genesis device,

the fusion of Estella and me
will be complete.

You won't get away with this!

Won't I?

Let the transformation begin.

Pip, she started
the device!

Pocket, get over there
and do whatever it takes

to keep those blokes
from crying.

Righto, Pip.

It begins.

Come, Estella. You can't want
to be part of this!

It is...
what I was raised for.

Hello, gentlemen.

Whatever you do,
please do not cry.

Havesham's device fuels itself
on your tears, I'm afraid.

How are we not to cry?

Our hearts have been broken,
our lives ruined,

and now we are set
to die.

Yes, but just think about...
panda bears!

Oh, they're so cuddly and sweet,
panda bears are.

What silly little noses
they have!

Panda bears make me sad.
They're almost extinct.

Oh, right, right. Let's not
think about panda bears, then.

Let's think about...swimming!

Oh, what jolly fun
swimming is,

with a splishy-splash and
a hold-your-breath-tight!

Yes.

Get out of that chair,
you old cow!

Estella, listen to me.

You are a wonderful girl
with a kind heart.

I told you, Pip,
I have no heart.

But you do! And I shall prove it
to you once and for all.

Look at this
adorable little bunny.

Oh, my.
He's very cute.

You see? A heartless person
wouldn't care about this bunny.

They'd just as soon
break its neck.

Oh.
But look at this bunny.

There. You see that?

You have too big a heart
to kill two baby bunnies.

Right.

Oh, what fun it is
to collect stamps!

Lick the backs,
put them into books--

all tidy with their smashing
pictures and bright colors!

My father died
in a stamp-collecting accident.

Right, let's not talk about
stamp collecting, then.

Let's talk about...

ice skating!

Oh, what fun ice skating is!
Who can catch me?

Who can catch
the ice-skating king? That's me!

I can't fight 'em off no more!

A person with a heart could
never kill nine baby bunnies.

So you do have too big
a heart to--

10 baby bunnies.

There's too many of 'em!

Oh, please, sirs,
you must not cry.

We can't help it.
You're boring us to tears!

Pip, it's too late!

26 baby bunnies.

I don't want to.
I don't see the point in this.

What?
- I don't want to kill
any more of them.

There! You see?!
You do have a heart!

You think so? Let me see it.
Maybe I can kill it.

No, no, I'm sure of it.
You have a heart.

You want your own life.
Come with me now!

Yes...

No-o-o!

Aaah!

Ooh, top smart, Pip!

You did it, Pip!

Well, I guess old Miss Havesham
won't be taking any revenge

on any more blokes, eh?

Yes, her poor, miserable life
is finally over.

You're released
from her now, Estella.

Now we can begin
our life together.

Yes.
Yes, my small-testicled love.

Oh, I'm so glad
everything has worked out.

Where are all
my little bunnies

that you borrowed,
then, Pip?

And they all lived
happily ever after.

Except for Pocket,
who died of Hepatitis B.

So ends Charles Dickens'
"Great Expectations."

We hope you now have
a deeper appreciation for Pip,

and, indeed, all masterpieces
of literature like this one.

Until next time,
I'm a British person.

Good night.