All language subtitles for South.Park.S04E09.1080p.BluRay.DD5.1.x264-W4NK3R_track4_[eng]

Boring.

And now Mr. Mackey

will read his favorite psalm
for us, Psalm 46.

"God is our refuge
and strength," mkay?

"a very present help
in trouble," mkay?

Hey, you guys,
you want to know

what my favorite psalm is?

"it's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration

"in a woman's separation.

"this sort of penetration
will increase the population

of the younger generation."

"God is in the midst
of her," mkay?

"she shall not be moved," mkay?

Wait, wait, wait.
"It's a man's obligation

to stick his boneration
in the woman's--"

"it's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration

"in a woman's separation
to increase the population

of the younger generation."

No, no, it's her separation.

"it's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration

in a woman's--"
- Boys! You are in church!

Oh!

"The God of Jacob
is our refuge," mkay?

Thank you, Mr. Mackey.
Hello, everyone.

Today we are going to talk
about Hell.

Hell is not a very nice place.

Burning, searing flames,

screaming,
torture for eternity.

Once you are in Hell,
you cannot escape.

You live forever in horrible
pain and burning agony.

All sinners are there in misery,
dying over and over and over.

If you be cast down
into this black bog of stench,

then woe is thou,

for Satan has made it the most
miserable place in the universe.

And he will be your ruler!
Your ruler of pain and agony!

I do.

Yeah!

Ow!

Great luau, Satan.

Thanks.
See you, Gary.

Thanks for coming.
Oh, bye, Marcia.

Satan, a few of us are gonna
go pound some brews.

You want to join us?

Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau,
but I can't.

Chris and I just moved
to the west side

and we have to unpack.

Oh, well.
Maybe next time.

Great Luau.
Bye.

Chris?
- Yeah?

Did you, uh, see my
boy-with-an-umbrella hummel?

No, but there's still some
boxes coming from the movers.

Oh, okay.
Thanks.

Oh, that must be them now.

Just put the boxes by the--

Hello, Satan.

Saddam.

Did you miss me, buttercup?

No, it can't be.
You're dead.

I killed you.

Yeah, you killed me.
So?

Where was I gonna go, Detroit?

Oh, no.
Oh, God, no.

A place of everlasting
agony and pain,

Hell awaits all sinners

and all who do not accept
Christ.

Children in this town

have not been attending
Sunday school after mass,

and adults have not been coming
to confession.

If this does not change,
I promise you:

you will all be going

to the black pit
of Satan's world.

That is all.
Peace be with you.

Well, that was quite
an uplifting sermon.

Yeah.

Mom, we're staying
for Sunday school.

What?

We have to go to Sunday school
so we don't burn.

Yeah.
I'll see you later, Mom.

Oh, now look at that.
They're scared to death.

Hell is a very real place,
Mr. And Mrs. Marsh.

I'm trying to save their souls

and the souls of everyone
in this town

from the wretched lake of fire.

Come on, guy.
Just let me in so we can talk.

I don't want to talk to you,
Saddam.

This isn't what I need
in my life right now.

Is that the movers, Satan?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, it's just the movers.

Oh, well, tell them

I'm leaving
their check on the counter.

Okay, Chris.
- Say, look.

I know our relationship
wasn't perfect, okay?

I know that.

I was too busy trying to take
over the world

to give you what you needed,
but I've changed, Satan.

Oh, like I haven't heard
that before.

Come on!

Can't we just go out
for a burrito?

Me gusta burrito mucho!

I can't, Saddam.
I'm with Chris now.

Who? Screw him!

He can't pound your ass
like I can.

Good-bye, Saddam.
- Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

But, Satan, you can't deny
what's between us.

You can try,
but you know we belong together.

My life is good now, Saddam.
Chris treats me well.

You and I are through.
Good-bye.

Aw, come on, guy!
Give me a break!

Hello, children.

I'm Sister Anne,
and I'll be teaching you

so that you can all receive
your first communion.

Are we gonna go to Hell?
- Well, hopefully not.

That's why you're gonna need
to receive communion.

And as long as we get this
communion thing, we're safe?

What if we haven't really
done anything

that horribly bad in our lives?

Yeah, what if we hadn't?

It doesn't matter,

because we are all born
with original sin.

Now let me explain
how communion works.

The priest will give you
this round cracker,

and he will say,
"the body of Christ,"

and then you eat it.

Jesus was made of crackers?
- No.

But crackers are his body.
- Yes.

What?

In the Book of Mark,

Jesus distributed bread
and said,

"eat this, for it is my body."

So we won't go to Hell
as long as we eat crackers.

No, no, no, no.

Well, what are we eating,
then?

The body of Christ.

No, no, no.
I get it.

Jesus wanted us to eat him

but he didn't want us
to be cannibals,

so he turned himself
into crackers

and then told people to eat him.

No!
- No?

I can't whistle
if I eat too many crackers.

Look, all you have to know

is that when the priest gives
you the cracker, you eat it.

- Okay?
- Okay.

And then you will drink
a very small amount of wine,

for that is the blood of Christ.

Oh, come on, now.
This is just getting silly.

Eric, do you want to go
to Hell?

No.
- Then stop questioning me.

But now we can have communion
and not go to Hell, right?

No, because before you can
take your first communion,

you have to have
your first confession.

Confession?

You'll be getting
in the confession box

with a priest and confessing
all your sins

so that God can forgive you.

You kids will all have to go

to your first confession
this Tuesday,

so I want you
all to go home tonight

and think long and hard
about all your sins

so that you can tell the priest
everything.

Oh, shit.

Those were some great
pork chops, Satan.

Yeah.

Hey, you, you've been acting
strange all night.

What's up?
- Nothing. Why?

Well, it's just that you've
washed that same dish

seven times now, silly.

Oh, sorry.

Come on, Satan, you know
you can tell me anything.

What's up?

Well, Chris, Saddam showed up
today.

Oh, wow.

Wasn't ready for that.

He showed up spouting
all kinds of things

about how he's changed
and he still loves me.

I thought you killed him.

Yeah, well,
where was he gonna go, Detroit?

Do you still love him?
- No, Chris.

It's okay if you do.

Well, I mean...

of course there's a part of me
that will always love him.

But I also know
how abusive he was.

I'm much happier with you.

Well, you know what I think
we should do?

I think we should all
get together

and just talk like adults.

What?

We're all grown men here,
Satan.

I want to just go meet this guy.

No, Chris,
you don't understand.

Saddam is fucking crazy.

I know he's got the whole
"bad boy" thing going,

and I think that's what you
were attracted to.

But I can be a pretty rough
tumbler myself.

Oops!

Aw, butternuts!

Okay, let's see.
Uh, oh, yeah.

There was the time
we threw a fish

into the bus driver's hair

and she didn't find it
for seven days...

Oh, yeah. Okay.

And then there was the time

we held that
little first grader down

and farted on him
for 28 minutes.

Right.
I already got that one.

Hey, dudes.
What are you doing?

We're trying to remember
all our sins.

Sister Anne told us we have
to confess all our sins,

or else we're gonna go to Hell.

What?

Have you confessed
all your sins yet?

No!
- Dude, he's Jewish.

He doesn't have to confess
his sins.

Oh, good.
I don't?

Yeah, you're already
going to Hell.

I am not!
- You are too!

Dude, this lady told us if
you don't confess all your sins

and you don't eat crackers
and drink wine,

then you go to Hell, period.

I'm gonna go ask my mom.

Now, let's see.

What about the time we set
Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?

Oh, right.
That was mostly Kenny's fault.

- What?
- You guys! You guys!

We just thought of something!

What, Butters?

Well, what about
the handicapped kid, Timmy?

Timmy!
- What did we do to Timmy?

No, I mean poor Timmy's gonna
go to Hell.

He can't confess his sins,

'cause all he can say
is his name.

Timmy!
- Oh, yeah. You're right.

I guess Timmy's pretty screwed.
- Oh, man.

We can't let Timmy go to Hell.
We have to do something!

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

I don't know
what we're gonna do.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I can't deny my feelings
for Saddam,

but my life is so much
better now with Chris.

Yeah, it's like Chris
is so perfect in every way,

but there's just something
about Saddam

that I'm much more
attracted to.

In what way?

Yeah, you're right.

Saddam would just
treat me bad again.

I'm just gonna have to not see
Saddam, put him out of my mind,

and focus on Chris.

If I don't see Saddam,

then I won't have
such strong feelings for him.

Thanks, guys.

There you are.
- Oh, hi, Chris.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I have to tell you something

that might make you
a little mad.

What?

Well, I called Saddam Hussein

and invited him over
for dinner tonight.

You what?

I just think we all need
to get this out in the open.

Oh, Chris!
Rarr!

Rah!

Come on, Satan,
we're all adults here.

He was an important person
in your life,

for better or for worse,
so I want to know him.

If he sees
that I'm a real person too,

then, well, maybe he'll see
how happy we are together.

No, Chris, he'll try
to kill you is what he'll do.

Satan, we're not
in junior high school anymore.

Oh, dear God.

Hail, Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst--"
How was it?

Oh, dude, you screwed me up!
- Huh?

The guy in there said
I have to say 54 Hail Marys.

Now I can't remember if I was
on number seven or eight.

Who's in there?
- I don't know.

You can't see him.
It's just some anonymous guy.

Well, here goes everything.

Uh, forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.

Blessed art thou, child.

Now, what do you have
to confess?

Well, let's see.

I'd like to start, if I may,
back when I was 2 1/2.

It was a cold April morning,
and the dew on the grass

was frozen like tiny beads
of glass.

Hail, Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.

Bless--
Hey, dude.

God damn it!
- What?

Ooh! There's Sister Anne.
We got to ask her about Timmy.

Sister Anne...
- Oh, Hello, children.

We have a question.
- Okay, shoot.

Where do handicapped people go
when they die?

The handicapped are just
people like you and me,

so the same rules apply:

they need to be baptized,
take communion,

and confess their sins.

But our friend Timmy
can't really talk.

All he can do
is say his own name,

so he can't really confess
his sins.

So is he going to go to Hell?

Uh, this really isn't
a question for me.

It's for the priest.

I'll see if I can find him.
Bye.

And that was about everything
from first grade.

Then last year, well--

you can't tell anybody
about this stuff, right?

Your confession

does not leave this box.

Okay, because last year,
I took a sandwich

that the priest of this church
had been eating.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure he would
forgive you if he knew.

No, but I'm not finished yet.

I took the sandwich
that the priest was eating,

took the piece of ham
out of it,

put it between my butt cheeks,

and then put the sandwich back
and watched him eat it.

I see.

Yeah, and then this
other time,

I went pee-pee
in the holy water thing,

and the priest blessed himself
on the forehead with it

every day for about a week.

And then this one time,
I was at the park

and the priest was out
walking his dog,

and I went number two
on the sidewalk

and then told Officer Barbrady
that it was the priest's dog,

and so the priest
got fined, like, $100

for not cleaning it up.

And then this one time,

I put super glue
all over the priest's Bible--

Ow!
Oh, Jesus!

Oh! No! Ow!

Father, I need to talk to you.

Father?
I have to ask you a question.

Okay, okay.
Fine.

Ooh!
Oh-ho!

Dude, what happened?
I felt it, you guys.

I felt the angry hand of God.

He is an angry God, you guys.

We all have to start taking this
very seriously.

Oh, Hello.
You must be Saddam Hussein.

And you must be Mr. Assface.

Just kidding.
You're Chris, right?

Thanks for inviting me
to dinner, guy.

Here, I brought you a potato.

Oh, thank you.

Chris! No!
It's a bomb!

Satan!
What the heck is wrong with you?

Yeah.
Hey, relax, guy.

We're all here to act
like adults, right?

Oh, gee, I must have
overcooked it.

Well, come on in.
Dinner's just about ready.

Very good, Ike.

That's two John Steinbeck books
in one day.

Cookie monster!
- Oh, he's growing up so fast.

Mom, dad, am I going to Hell?

Why?
What did you do, Kyle?

Nothing, but the guys said
if I don't confess my sins

and eat crackers,
I'm gonna go to Hell!

Oh, no.
That's just Catholics.

Us Jews don't believe in Hell.

We don't?
But what if we're wrong?

Well, Kyle,
they could be wrong too.

Yeah, but if they're wrong,
no big deal.

If we're wrong, we burn in Hell.
- Oh, no!

Kyle, it's all about being
a good person now.

You see, Christians use Hell
as a way to scare people

into believing
what they believe.

But to believe in something

just because you're afraid
of the consequences

if you don't believe
in something

is no reason to believe
in something.

Understand?
- No.

Well, you guys can do
what you want.

I'm going down to that church

to confess my sins
and eat crackers.

And I'm taking Ike with me.

Kyle!

So, Saddam, Satan told me

all about how you guys
almost took over the world once.

Yeah, those were the days,
boy!

What the Hell is this crap
we're eating, anyway?

It's all vegetarian, Saddam.

Chris was a nutritionist
before he died.

Ah, isn't that fascinating?

So, tell me, Chris,
how is it that you died?

Oh, well, I actually slipped
on an escalator in a mall.

Those things can be
pretty sketchy.

An escalator?

What kind of pussy way
of dying is that?

Look, Saddam, I know that you
and Satan had a relationship,

and I just want you to know

that I'm totally okay
with you guys staying friends.

Uh-huh.

I think it's important
to stay friends

with people you had
relationships with.

And I know
that Satan and my relationship

is strong enough
that it can handle anything.

Right?

Right.

Father, the children asked me
about their handicapped friend.

I want to explain to them
that he's fine.

Well, has your friend
ever confessed or been baptized?

I don't think so.
- Then Hell awaits him.

Father, these boys are
really worried

because they think
they have to--

They should be worried!

Boys, it is your Christian duty

to save the souls
of your friends.

Yes, but--

Mr. Father,
we have to ask you something.

Oh, you're the little
Jewish boy, right?

Yeah.

If we're Jewish,
are we gonna go to Hell?

Well, young man,
you can rest assured

that according to Matthew 25,

when you die, you will stand
before God, and he will say,

"depart from me, ye cursed,
into the eternal fire

prepared for the devil
and his angels."

Yes, as a Jew, your home
will be the lake of fire.

Oh, no!
- Father--

I hope to see all of you
in church this Sunday.

We will be.

Father, I don't know
if I agree fully

with what you're saying.

I think that as long as
Jewish people are good,

they will get into heaven.

Sister, the Jews crucified
our savior.

I mean, if you don't go to Hell
for crucifying the savior,

then what the Hell
do you go to Hell for?

Stan, you've got to help us
become good Christians!

Please!

Alright, alright,
alright.

the first thing we have to do

is get you guys all baptized.

Come on.

Okay, you better baptize Kyle
some more.

Hallelujah!
Wash away the sin!

Hah!

Turn around so I can
clean out your ass.

Cartman!
- What?

Dude, you just said "ass."
That's a sin.

Oh, now you've said it too!

Oh, shit! Oh!
- What?

Oh, dude, we got to go
back to church

and confess again.

But what about them?
- Uh--oh, I know.

We can use wacky water weasel.

Ah!
- Okay, come on.

Alright, come on!

Whew! Well, I don't know
about you guys,

but all that ginger
made me tired.

Yeah, I guess I should be
getting back.

Good.
I'll show you out.

Nice to meet you, Saddam.

Have a safe walk back.
- Yeah.

Thanks for the wheatgrass
and twigs and stuff.

Satan, that guy is a pussy!

He's stable, Saddam.

Yeah, that's what I said.
He's a pussy.

Having stability in your life
is a great thing.

You should try it.

For some people, maybe,
but you like excitement.

I know you, Satan.

I'm very happy
with my life now.

Here.

I'm at the Bargain Hotel
on Monte Vista, room 16.

No, Saddam.
I won't be needing this.

Oh, I know you won't,
but just keep it just in case.

It was good seeing you
again, Satan.

Good night.

Good night, pussy!
I mean Chris.

Good night.

Hello, your excellency?

This is Sister Anne,
the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus,

calling from the United States.

Yes, I understand you wish
to speak with the Pope.

Yes.

The priest here has been
telling the children

some pretty radical things,

and I just wanted to see what
the church thinks about Jews

and the mentally handicapped.

Yes, well, the Pope is here,
but please keep it brief.

He is very old.

Huh?
- Hello, his holiness.

I want to ask you about people
with mental disabilities.

Huh?

Do mentally challenged people
go to Hell?

Uh, what's that you say?
Huh?

Handicap. Mental handicap.

Be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

The priest here said

that people with mental
handicaps might end up in Hell.

Is that true?

uh, be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

Come on.
This stupid light won't change.

Come on, hurry up.
Hey, what are you guys doing?

We're going to church.

We sinned and so we
have to confess again.

Us too.

We saw a picture
of a naked lady.

We could see her whole beaver.

Yeah, if we died right now,

we'd have unclean souls
and we'd burn in Hell.

Well, come on.
Let's go.

oh!

Oh, my God!
They killed Kenny!

He had sins
that he didn't confess.

And he never took communion.
He's doomed.

We got to get to that church
before we die.

Yeah.

Careful.

Yeah.
That's hot.

You take it.
You take it now!

Chris, what are you doing?
I'm just--

I'm just trying to be
a little more naughty in bed.

I know that's what you liked
about sex with Saddam.

I'm just showing you
that I can be that way too.

Oh, boy.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, you like that,
don't you, bitch?

I'm a bad boy.

Yeah.
Take that.

Chris, just don't--
don't do that.

But it turns you on.

No, it just--
when Saddam did it, yeah, but--

but what?
Nothing.

I just--I'm just really tired
is all.

Can we just please go to sleep?

Chris, seriously,
I'm just tired, okay?

Okay.
I love you, Satan.

- I love you too, Saddam.
- Oh!

Wha--oh, I'm sorry.
I mean Chris.

It's okay. It's okay.

I understand. I do.

I just need to go
get some air, okay.

I'll be back really quick.

Yeah, sure.
Okay.

Come on, hurry up!

Oh, no! It's locked!

What?
No!

It can't be locked!
We have to confess!

We have to confess
our sins before we die!

Hey, there's a window
in the back that's usually open.

The confession box
is over there.

I'm first! I'm first!

Oh!

What the--

Oh! Son of a bitch!

Uh, kids, uh--
- You're a sinner!

You're doing unnatural things
in the house of God!

Oh, uh, uh--

Oh, forgive me, Heavenly Father.
I have sinned against you!

Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!

Mrs. Donovan
is a temptress from Hell.

Dude, if this guy's going
to Hell, who's gonna save us?

Well, it looks like we're
gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle,

and everyone else in this town

from the angry hand of God
ourselves!

Oh, the pain!
Oh, the pain!

No.
I can't.

What am I doing?

I know this is
the wrong thing to do.

I could lose Chris.

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

We have ah-repeatedly broken
God's Commandments.

We have lived our lives
for ourselves-ah,

totally ignoring the laws-ah.

If thy hand offend thee,
cut it off.

It is much better for thee
to enter--

Oh, what the Hell are they
doing now?

Oh, no.

Into fire that will never
be quenched-ah.

Pamphlet? Pamphlet?

There is only one answer.

As kids, we must abandon
this town of sin and start anew.

I don't want to go to Hell.

It will be a long road,

but at the end of that road
is salvation,

and I am going to lead you
there.