All language subtitles for South.Park.S04E06.1080p.BluRay.DD5.1.x264-W4NK3R_track4_[eng]

Good morning, children.
Mr. Garrison is away today.

I am your substitute teacher,
Mr. Wyland.

Oh, sweet, dude.
Substitute teacher.

Now, I understand that
some students in this class

like to mess with
substitute teachers,

but if we all behave
and respect each other,

I'm sure we can make this
a fun and productive day.

Let's start with roll call.

Let's see, mm,
Eric Cartman?

Here.

Alright, and how about
Stan Marsh?

Here.

It's not that funny, you guys.
Jesus.

Okay, and where is
Kenny McCormick?

Here.

Oh!

Ow!

Dude, what the hell
was that?

Oh, oh, dude, you know
when you're laughing so hard

that the milk
comes out your nose?

Oh, man.

Dude, you weren't
drinking any milk.

Huh?

You have to be drinking milk
for that to happen.

Not with me, man.

Alright, look,
why don't we skip roll call?

Here's what we're
gonna do today.

I've been told that
one of your classmates

has been ill for several days,
Kyle Broflovski?

He's faking.

Well, I've been told
that in Mr. Garrison's absence,

our activity for the day is to
make a get-well card for Kyle,

so I've got this large
piece of poster board,

and we're all gonna come up

and use glitter and glue
to decorate it.

Aw.

He's faking.

Kenny, you come and decorate
the get-well card too.

But I don't want Kyle
to get well.

I hate Kyle.

I don't care.
Get down here and do it.

Hey, watch it.
- Hey, what are you doing?

Now, that's a get-well card.

Mr. Garrison, after
a very careful review,

the school board believes
that you should take

a hiatus from teaching
indefinitely.

What?

Frankly, your conduct
has been somewhat disconcerting.

Did you know that
not one of your students

knew who Sam Adams was?

Well, who cares about a guy
that makes beer?

Jesus Christ, I'm trying to
teach history.

Frankly, Mr. Garrison,
it isn't even

your educational record
that we're most concerned about.

It's your somewhat substantial
police record.

Pfft.
Oh, whatever.

Mr. Garrison,
last week's charges

of attempting to solicit sex
from a minor--

That was not me.
That was Mr. Hat.

All we're saying is,
perhaps you should take

a little hiatus from teaching
until this little

"child molestation" thing
dies down a bit.

Gentlemen,
teaching is all I know.

It is the air that I breathe.

We're sorry, Mr. Garrison.

We have no choice.

Very well.

I guess I'm not
a teacher anymore.

I suppose you'll be wanting
my badge and gun.

Mr. Garrison, most teachers
do not carry a gun.

Oh, so I can keep it then?

Kyle?

Stan and his mother
came over to visit you.

Hello, sweetie.

Dude, you can stop faking now.
We got a substitute teacher.

Kyle?

They say it's his kidneys.

Kyle always has been
a diabetic,

and lately, his kidneys
have just been shutting down.

Well, the kids at school
made you a card, Kyle.

Look.

Go on, Butters.

I don't want to.

Butters, go on.

Oh, alright then.

Dude, you really
are sick, huh?

I don't know, I--

I don't know what to do,
Sharon.

They want to have him
go into surgery,

but that's so dangerous.

Sheila, have you tried
holistic natural medicines?

They work wonders.
I read all about it in People.

Really?
In People?

There's a brand-new
shop in town

that sells holistic medicines
and all-natural foods.

It's run by
this fascinating woman

named Miss Information.

Oh, well, with a name
like Miss Information,

she must know something.

Why don't we at least
take Kyle down there

and see what she has to say?

Okay.
I'll get our coats.

Can I go now?

I don't know what
I'm going to do, Mackey.

Teaching is all I know.

Mkay, well, maybe
you need to view this

as a chance to do something
you've always wanted to do.

I've always wanted to
write a novel.

Well, there you go, mkay?

But I never know
what to write about.

Well, that's easy.
Write about what you know.

Write about what you love.
What do you love most?

Besides teaching?

Yes.

Poontang.

Mm--mkay?

I can't help it.

I'm a womanizer sometimes,
I know, but I just think

that taking a woman home
and getting some hot poon

is about the greatest thing
in the world.

Well, that settles it,
Mr. Garrison.

What you need to do is go write
a great romance novel.

Yes, that's it.

I am going to write the great
American romance novel.

You see, the reasons
our bodies fail

is because of toxins.

Toxins?

All the horrible food we eat,

the sodas and meats
are filled with toxins,

and the only way
for us to get better

is to flush those toxins
out of our system.

Western medicine is so quick
to cut and carve up,

but all your son needs
is a toxin-flushing diet

of lemon juice
and cayenne pepper.

Wow, that's amazing,
Miss Information.

Do you hear that, Kyle?

You don't need surgery
after all.

Excuse me, but what do
these toxins look like?

What?

Have you ever actually
seen a toxin?

Don't be a smart-ass, Stanley.

Mrs. Broflovski,
we'd like to give your son herbs

that focus on the kidney.

I have these excellent herbs
from local Native Americans.

Ooh, Native Americans.

Now, they know how to
heal the body spiritually.

"Out on the balcony

"when Reginald kissed
Diana's lips,

"her knees went weak.

"Slowly,
he pulled her top down,

exposing her
soft, unyielding breasts."

Oh, yeah.
Now this is getting good.

"just the sight
of those breasts

"made Reginald's penis
very hard.

"His penis was
of considerable size,

"and now beads of sweat
ran slowly down his penis,

"making it glisten
like a strong swimmer

"fresh from out of the pool.

"It was a fantastic penis

"that seemed as strong
as a horse's leg,

"yet as delicate as a flower
wrapped in silk.

"What a grand, grand penis.

Diana's nipples--"

Uh, let's see.

"Diana's nipples--"

Oh, writer's block.
Writer's block.

Hmm.
Crap!

I'm stuck.
Oh, well.

Maybe that's enough writing
for tonight, Mr. Hat.

Oh, my.
He looks terrible.

Yes, poor little dear.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, thanks for coming,
Miss Information.

Kyle seems to be getting worse.

Oh, I don't agree.
He seems much better.

Really?
- What?

Yes, his chi is flowing
much nicer than yesterday,

and his aura is lighter.

Oh, that's great news.

Oh no.

No, no, that's good.

Those are the toxins
flushing out of his system.

Ooh.
- Those aren't toxins!

That's the bean with bacon soup
he ate half an hour ago.

Stanley, what did I say
about being a smart-ass?

Don't be a smart-ass?

Now, don't be fooled
as Kyle's body

sheds itself more and more
of all the toxins.

He will appear
to be getting worse,

but actually,
he is getting better.

Wow, well, I am sold
on natural medicines.

If only I had known sooner.

I agree.
- Oh, yes, that's right.

Mr. Marsh is here
to see you.

Alright.
Send him in.

Oh, Stanley.

Hi, Doctor.

What can I do for you?

Well, it's my friend, Kyle.

I think he's really,
really sick.

He is really,
really sick, Stanley.

I was seeing him last week
when he first got ill,

but unfortunately,
his mother has decided

to put all her trust
into holistic medicine.

But I don't think
it's working.

Alright, Stanley, I'm going
to be very honest with you.

Your little friend Kyle
needs a kidney transplant,

or it is very possible
that he will die.

Die?

But Kyle's my best friend
in the whole world.

I know this is a lot
to lay on someone your age,

but the rest of the town is
so gung ho on new age medicine

that I have
nowhere else to turn.

I'll give Kyle my kidney.

Even if it hurts a whole lot,
I don't care.

That's very brave, Stan,

but I've already checked
my records,

and you and Kyle
aren't a match for kidneys.

In fact, there's only
one person in South Park

with the same
blood type as Kyle.

Who?

Oh, shit.

Coming in for attack,
Captain.

Give me the space cruiser,
Kenny.

Now, Kenny, you have to give me
the sub-space cruiser

so I can destroy the Ganjeez
on Cluster Five.

No, it's mine!

I broke your space cruiser,
Kenny.

Ooh, ah, ow.

Ooh, sweetums,
did you laugh too hard again?

Yeah.

Well, some more
of your little friends

are here to play with you.

Okay, Mom.

And don't get
too close to Kyle.

He looks like
he might have the AIDS.

What's going on, guys?

Cartman, we have to
ask you a question,

a very serious question.

Okay.
- Kyle's in trouble, Cartman.

I can see him getting worse
right before my eyes.

There might be a way
that you can save his life.

Uh-huh?

What Kyle really needs
is a new kidney.

Oh, I think I see
where this is going.

His mom is trying all this
eastern medicine

new age bullcrap on him,
but it's obviously not working.

Stan, why don't
you just ask the question?

Alright.

Will you donate
one of your kidneys to Kyle?

You only need one,
fat boy.

Dude, one of your friends
is gonna die.

Don't you see
how serious this is?

Well, perhaps I could
see my way to giving up a kidney

for a price.

Oh my God.

How much?
- I don't know.

How much is your life
worth to you, Kyle?

Cartman, you are so
going to hell when you die.

Yes, well, until then,
I need about $10 million.

$10 million?

What the hell would you do
with $10 million, fat-ass?

What I intend to do
with the money

is not an issue, is it?

I suggest you start
looking for that money quickly.

Kyle doesn't seem to
have much time.

Ticktock ticktock.

Come on, Kyle.
Let's get out of here.

Okay, where were we, Kenny?
Oh, yeah.

Quick, Captain, we must destroy
the Ganjeez on Cluster Five.

Give me the space cruiser.

Give it, Kenny.
Myah!

Ooh, free-range aspirin.

All-natural cell phones.

Oh, look, everyone.

These are our two
resident Native Americans,

Chief Running Pinto
and Carlos Ramirez.

Do you have any
new holistic items for sale?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Uh, here, uh,
this is a, uh, dream catcher.

Oh, a dream catcher.
I'll buy one.

Yeah, and these here are
Cherokee hair tampons.

They're, like, tampons
made with all-natural hair

from the Cherokee people.

Ooh, a tampon
made from Cherokee hair.

Now, that sounds natural.

Native Americans are more in
tune with the Earth than we are.

Oh, yeah.
We love the Earth, man.

Oh, yeah.
The Earth is great.

Mrs. Broflovski's son
is a little sick.

Perhaps she could
bring him in tomorrow

and you could give him
some spiritual healing.

Oh, sure,
we can do that, man.

We'll give him, like,
a brain enema or something.

Wonderful.

Why don't you follow me
over to the cash register,

and I'll take a deposit?

Do you have any more
stuff to sell?

We want to buy more stuff.
- Yes, much, much more stuff.

Sure, uh, we just got to
go back to our truck--

I mean our horses
and grab some more junk.

Come on.

Good-bye, Native Americans.
The spirit of Maya is with you.

Oh, yeah.
You too and junk.

It's funny, man.

Oh, hi, Stanley.

Look, I'm buying you some more
all-natural toothpaste.

You mean the stuff
that tastes like ass

and doesn't fight cavities?

That's right.

Look, um, I know
that you all think

the Earth and all its natural
healing powers can cure Kyle,

but the doctor at the hospital
told me it can't.

Well, of course
the doctor told you that

because he wants to make money.

Holistic medicine
is about nature.

$233.

Everything's
going to be fine, Stan.

We're bringing Kyle in
tomorrow

to see the Native Americans
personally.

Isn't it possible
that these Indians

don't know
what they're talking about?

You watch your mouth,
Stanley.

The Native Americans were raped
of their land and resources

by white people like us.

And that has something to do
with their medicine because--

Enough, Stanley.

Nobody wants to listen,
Kenny.

I know.

I don't know what else to do.

I mean, he could die, Kenny,

and that means
we'd never see him again.

Mm-hmm.

I guess maybe I've always
taken friends for granted

like they'd always be there.

If a friend died,
I don't know what I'd do.

Well, I'm not just gonna stand
here and watch my friend die.

Kenny, go round up
all the kids in town

who want to help Kyle.

Round them up and meet me
at the bus stop at 7:30.

Kyle's gonna live.

"Chapter 18.

"Diana had never slept
with another woman before,

but it was an erotic thought
she often fantasized about."

Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat.
Hot lesbo scene coming up.

"and as Rebecca's naked body
lay before her,

"Diana couldn't help
but feel aroused.

"'Go on,' Rebecca said softly,
'touch me.'

"Diana leaned down slowly

"and brushed Rebecca's bare
stomach with her fingertips.

"It felt good,
like a penis,

"a soft but sturdy penis
that felt warm to the touch.

"In Rebecca's mind,
she suddenly felt

"like she was surrounded
by penises.

"They were all around her,

"flopping all around
and slapping her face.

"It was as if she were in
a redwood forest of penises.

"they presented themselves
tall and mighty

all around her with--"

Mr. Hat, what the hell
are you doing?

Oh, Mr. Hat.

Come on, where are they?

This is it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Timmy!

This is everyone
that wanted to help Kyle?

Well, Clyde
was gonna come too,

but he said his mom
was making tacos for dinner,

and Clyde likes tacos
a whole lot.

Jesus Christ.
Alright, Butters.

You take this medical book,
and everyone follow me.

Well, where are we going?

We're gonna go take
Cartman's kidney.

Mom, do you ever have
those heavy flow days?

Oh, absolutely, sweetheart.
Everybody does.

Mom, remember the movie
The Shining

where the elevator doors
are opening up and all the--

Oh, honey, what you need
is a more absorbent tampon.

Like what?

Well, what's the most
absorbent thing in the world?

Well...

Cherokee hair, I guess.

But what does that
have to do with me?

Because now there's
new all-natural

Cherokee hair tampons.

A cotton tampon can only hold
so much liquid,

other tampons
also come up short,

but Cherokee hair
has been known for ages

to be strong and powerful.

Each tampon is handwoven

from over 200 strands
of Cherokee hair

and then bound together by these
decorative native beads.

You were right, Mom.

All-natural Cherokee hair
tampons really did the trick.

And when you're done
using them,

they make a great toy
for Jesse.

Go get it, boy.

Let the wonders and
the mysteries of our people,

like, change the way you think
about tampons.

No.
No.

Hippies all around me.

Help, mommy!
Hippies!

Okay, it's clear.

Okay, me and Butters
are gonna go up

and take Cartman's kidney
out of him.

Kenny, you stay here and guard
his mom's door with Timmy.

Timmy!
- Shh!

Timmy!

If she hears him screaming
or comes out or anything,

just stall her, alright?

Okay.

Timmy!

Alright, Butters.
Let's go.

Uh-oh.
Cartman's pig.

Shh, good pig.
Good pig.

Good pig.
Shh, it's okay.

Come on,
we got to get out of here!

Oh, no.

Oh, well.
We're busted.

Shut up, fluffy!

Oh, phew.

Hippies.
Hippies.

Everywhere.

They want to save the Earth,

but all they do is smoke pot
and smell bad.

Help.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, let's see,

it looks like
if we cut here and here...

I hope it's not too bloody.
I'm wearing my favorite pants.

Vein--right, well--

Well, here goes nothing.

Help me pull his pajamas up.

No way!
Kidney blocker 2000?

What, what, what, what?

Oh, Stan and Butters.

Trying to take my kidney,
are you?

You suck, Cartman.

Maybe so, but at least
I was smart enough

to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000.

God damn it, don't you care
that Kyle is gonna die?

I do.
I do care.

Look how much.

Look.
Look how much I care.

First and foremost,
Mr. Garrison,

I would like to thank you for
choosing Harequin Romance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So did you read the book?

Yes, Mr. Garrison.
We did read your book.

Well, what did you think?

Well, uh, frankly,
Mr. Garrison,

we don't know if
the Harequin Romance label

is appropriate for you.

Oh, why not?

Mr. Garrison, are you aware
that the word "penis"

occurs 6,083 times
in your novel?

Well, I'm sure there's
lots of naughty words.

It is a romance novel.

No, I don't think
that this book really qualifies

as a romance novel.

No?

No.

No, this is what we
in the book publishing business

like to call gay.

Really, really gay.

What the hell
are you talking about?

It's just that the focus
really seems to be

on the male organs.

Well, I thought it was mostly
women that read these things.

It is.

Well, women want to
read about ding-dongs!

You think women care about
the details of female anatomy?

Hell no!

Women want to read about
big powerful schlongs!

Look, I've seen women
read these things.

They skim along, skim along,

until they get to the part
about the penis.

That's what they want,
so that's what I'm giving them.

Hmm.

There's nothing more
I can do, Kenny.

I've tried everything
to save Kyle.

Holistic medicine
is gonna kill my friend.

Nobody seems to care
when I die.

My friend is gonna die.

He's gonna die, and there's
nothing I can do about it.

Oh, God.
He's my best friend.

Now, that does it!

I have had
enough of this bullshit!

Screw you guys.
I'm going home.

Look out!

Crash!

Oops.

I'll never see Kyle again.

Four dozen
Cherokee hair tampons, please.

No problem, man.

Pay Miss Information up front.

Hi, uh, I have
a little bit of pain in my balls

whenever I watch Vh 1.

Oh, here, try this, man.

Uh, this is, uh,
all-natural ball juice.

Wow, I feel better already.

And next, we have
Mrs. Broflovski's son.

Okay, here he is.

Hey, man,
that kid looks really sick.

Yes, he really needs
his toxins flushed again.

No, I mean he looks
really sick, man.

You should take him to,
like, a doctor.

Huh?

But you're more in touch
with the Earth.

Look, being in touch
with the Earth

has nothing to do
with dying, man.

It's okay.

We trust that you know
what you're doing.

No, man, that kid
needs a doctor,

and besides, we're not actually
Native Americans.

I mean, I'm more like a--
Mexican.

What?

Yeah.
A Mexican.

Oh, I didn't know that!

Oh, my God.

How dare you
deceive us like that?

Hey, we never said
we were Native Americans, man.

Miss Information said that.

Yeah, she said nobody would
buy anything from Mexicans.

Uh, toxins are your enemy.

Kill her!

That's funny.

So now can we take Kyle
to the hospital?

Yes, of course, but we don't
have a kidney donor.

That's alright.

If you'll all help,
I think I have a plan.

That son of a bitch!

Okay, asshole,
give me back my kidney.

Dude, please, Kyle needs it.

It's mine.
Not yours, mine.

Give it back right now,
or there's gonna be hell to pay.

Alright, alright.
Here.

Thank you,
and you better hope to God

it still works
just like it did before.

Doctor,
Eric Cartman is here.

Why, hello there, Eric.

You see that?

That's mine.

My asshole friend, Stan,
took my kidney,

and I need it
put back in please.

Oh, I see.

Are you sure
that now that it's already out

you don't want to just let
your friend, Kyle, have it?

No, because it doesn't
belong to Kyle.

It belongs to me.
It's mine.

Well, alright then.

We'll get you prepped
for surgery,

if you'll just
sign this release.

Thank you.

How are you feeling, bubbe?

Better.
Thanks.

You look a lot better.

Yeah, looks like western
medicine really did the trick.

Hey, thanks for
going through all that

to save my life, Stan.

Dude, you're my best friend.

I don't want you to die
until I do.

Yeah, hey, man, we're glad
you're getting better too.

Hey--hey, what's going on?

Kyle's all better, Cartman,
thanks to you.

Huh?
- It was all a trick.

Your mom undid
the kidney blocker,

and then we put ketchup
in your bed

so you'd think
we took your kidney.

Yes, but it was all
just a trick

to get you to come in
and sign this release.

Isn't that funny, sweetie?

Ugh, I am so pissed off!

Oh, here's everybody.

Hey, Mr. Garrison.
Where have you been?

Boys, I have
an announcement to make.

I'm not gonna be your teacher
anymore.

I've become
a best-selling author,

and, Kyle, I want you to have
a signed copy

as a get-well present.

Oh.
Thanks?

I swear I'm gonna
kill you guys!

Careful, Cartman.
You might pop your stitches.

What the--

Oh, good,
you got the crappy kidney.