All language subtitles for South.Park.S04E01.1080p.BluRay.DD5.1.x264-W4NK3R_track4_[eng]

Both:

Mom, Mom!

Mom, seriously, something
wonderful has happened!

What is it, snookums?

Mom, look.
The Tooth Fairy.

I put a tooth under my pillow,
and she gave me $2.

She's only given me
a lousy quarter before.

Oh, my.

She must think that you are
a very special little muffin.

Yeah, this is so tits!

Don't say tits, Eric.

Oh, I mean, this is so cool!

Well, perhaps now
you should take that money

and open up a savings account

that has
compounded daily interest.

You can compound daily
my ass with interest, Mom.

I'm going to the toy store
and buy me a skateboard.

But, Eric,
I think maybe the Tooth Fairy

wants you to use that money
to learn about saving.

Mom, you don't know
what the Tooth Fairy

wants me to do
with this money, okay?

You're not the Tooth Fairy.
I'll see you later.

Oh, man, this is so tits!

You guys, you're
not going to believe this!

Oh, my god, you guys, seriously!

Just wait until you hear this,
you guys!

I'm rich,
I'm totally rich!

Aren't you stoked?

What the hell's
wrong with Cartman?

He's fat and he's stupid?

Look at what the Tooth Fairy
left me last night.

$2.
- No way.

For one tooth?
- For one tooth.

Dude, every time I lost
a tooth, I only got a quarter.

I only got
a jar of gefilte fish.

Well, that doesn't matter,

because I have an idea
that is totally tits.

Totally what?

Look, I don't know why
the Tooth Fairy's

being so cool to me.

Maybe she's hot for me.
I don't know.

But if we all
chip in with teeth,

then I can hide them
under my pillow,

and we can get enough money
to buy a Sega Dreamcast.

Together: Sega Dreamcast?

All we need is teeth.

I already lost
all my baby teeth.

Me too.

Mm-mm.

You still have baby teeth,
Kenny?

No way!
- Kenny, think about it.

Don't you want a Sega Dreamcast?

Alright, Kenny's in,
you guys!

Tits!

Okay, the string
is tied to Kenny's tooth.

You ready over there?

Almost.

You ready, Timmy?
- Timmy!

When I say go, you slam

your electric wheelchair
into high gear.

Okay, Timmy?
- Timmy!

Right, you're Timmy.
- Timmy, labalayah!

I'll tell you why
it has to be you, Kenny.

Because your family is poor

and therefore has
bad oral hygiene,

so your teeth are going to
fall out someday anyway.

If you think about it, you
should actually be thanking us.

"Oh, thank you guys."

- You're welcome, Kenny.
- Fuck you!

Alright, get ready, Timmy.
- Timmy!

Hey guys, what are you doing?

What does it look like
we're doing, Butters?

We need a tooth,
so we're using

Timmy's wheelchair
to pull out one of Kenny's.

Oh, hey, I got
a loose tooth right here.

- Together: You what?
- You what?

Timmy!
- Yep.

One of mine came out
not two hours ago.

Uh, Butters, could we have it?

Well, heck, no,
you can't have it.

Why, I'm going to stick it
under my pillow

and get money
from the Tooth Fairy.

She gives me 50 cents a tooth.

Well, I'll see you, fellas.

Dude, maybe we
don't have to rip a tooth

out of Kenny's mouth.

Yeah, we just have to get
Butters' tooth.

Whoo-hoo!
- How we gonna get it from him?

I guess we'll have to
sneak into his house

after he goes to sleep tonight.

Yeah, let's go.
- Go, Timmy, go!

Yaaah, Timmy!

- No, Timmy, wait!
- Timmy!

Oof!

You guys, I can see
Kenny's little ping-a-ling.

Waaah!

Higher, you guys.

Jesus Christ, why did we pick
the fat guy to lift up in there?

Ah!
Careful, you assholes!

To the left, you guys, left.

No, camera left, camera left.

That's it.
Now down.

What the?
Who's there?

Who is that?

I am the Tooth Fairy,
my child.

Oh, sorry, Miss Fairy,
I didn't mean to gaze at you.

I'm back asleep now.
See?

Yes, now I will leave you
tidings under your pillow.

Oh, gosh, I didn't think
you'd be so fat.

Hey!
- Come on, fat-ass.

Do not open your eyes
until morning,

or else I will
kick you in the nuts,

square in the nuts.

Yes, ma'am.

Well?

Bull's-eye.

I love that song, Mom.
Sing it again.

No, honey,
mommy's got to save her throat.

I have to work tonight.

Okay.
Good night.

What do you have there, Eric?

Another tooth fell out today.

I'm leaving it
for the Tooth Fairy.

Oh, my, the Tooth Fairy will
have to give you a big surprise

for losing two teeth
in two days.

I know, huh?

You guys,
oh, my God, you guys!

You're not going to believe it!

It's beyond rational thought,
you guys!

Holy crap, you guys!

Did the tooth fairy come?
- $4.

Oh, my God!
- Wow!

Do you guys
know what this means?

Yeah, we just
got to keep finding teeth

and putting them
under your pillow.

Dentist's office.

Oh, hello.
Dr. Roberts?

It's Miss Cartman.

Oh, yes, Miss Cartman,
what can I do for you?

Well, it's my son.

He's lost
a lot of his baby teeth,

and I was starting
to get worried.

Well, losing baby teeth is
a natural thing, Miss Cartman.

How many has he lost?

About 112.

112?

Yes.
15 of them in one night.

Perhaps he should
switch toothpaste?

Your son wouldn't happen to be
an alligator, would he?

No?
Hmm, I see.

Well, I'm afraid
I can't help you right now.

The American Dental Association
Convention is this week.

But as soon as I get back,
I'll look into it.

Oh, thank you.

Freebie next week!

What?

Ti--

Tooth?

What the hell?

Mom!
- Yes, Eric?

The stupid Tooth Fairy forgot
to bring me money last night.

Call the police.
- Oh, Eric, poopie, sit down.

Mommy has something to tell you.

It's just that...

Well, there is no Tooth Fairy,
Eric.

I've been putting all that money
under your pillow.

And because you've had
so many teeth fall out,

I've actually run out of money
and can't go

to the grocery store
for at least a month.

You almost had me
for a second there, Mom.

There's no tooth fairy.

I suppose
you're going to tell me

there's no Santa Claus,
Easter Bunny, or Jesus either.

Mom?

I'm sorry, Eric.

All children find out
sooner or later.

You--you're serious here.

There really is no Tooth Fairy?

No, honey, it's just--

How could--how could you
lie to me, Mother?

Lie right to my face.

Oh, Eric,
it's just part of being a child.

How can I trust you?

How can I trust anyone
ever again, Mother?

I guess that to make it
in this life,

I can only trust myself.

Myself and Willikins Bear,
of course.

Eric.
Eric, wait.

No, Mother!
No more lies!

Dude, where's the money?
- There is no money.

No more money?

What are you talking about,
Cartman?

We're only $167 away
from getting a Sega.

I know.
- Cartman, what's going on?

You guys...

Oh, God, I don't even
know how to tell you this.

Tell us what?

You guys, there's--there's
no Tooth Fairy, you guys.

There, I said it.

What do you mean
there's no Tooth Fairy?

My mom's been giving us
the money all this time.

And your parents are the ones
who left you money.

Dude.
- That can't be.

My parents wouldn't lie to me.

But now my mom's
given us so much money

that she's bankrupt,
and we're poor like Kenny.

Don't touch me, Kenny.
- You're wrong!

If my dad says
something is real,

then it's real.

Kyle, open your eyes, man.

It's not true!

Oh, hello, son.

Dad, there is so
a Tooth Fairy, huh?

What?
Oh.

Kyle, let's have a little talk.

Oh my god, you did lie to me!

No, Kyle,
she's just make-believe,

like Peter Pan.

Peter Pan too?

Kyle--
what about Moses and Abraham?

Well, they were probably real.

Probably?
Is Atlantis real?

Probably not.

But, Kyle,
adults make up those things

because they're fun
for children.

Fun for children?
Fun for children?

Look at me, dad.

I don't even know
what's real anymore, yaaahhh!

Man, I can't believe
all our parents

lied to us
about the Tooth Fairy.

What about Dan Rather?
Do you think he's real?

No, man.
That's just a TV show.

You guys, you guys,
I figured it out!

What, that your parents
lied to you too?

Yeah, but it's okay.

We can still get
our Sega Dreamcast.

How?

Look, the Tooth Fairy
is all made up, right?

All made up, not real.
Nothing's real.

So all we have to do is go
to a really rich kid's house,

put our tooth under his pillow,

wait for his parents to leave
him a whole butt load of money,

and then sneak back in
and take it.

Whoo-hoo!

The kid'll never even know.

Oh, dude, that is tits!

I mean, that is
big fat Oprah tits right there!

Oh my God,
what if I'm not real?

We can take the bus
to the city.

There's super-rich people
down there.

Yeah!

I mean, what if I'm just

part of my parents' reality?

Come on, Kyle.

What if this is all
just somebody's dream?

Wow, look at the size
of these houses.

Told you, dude, Cherry Creek
is the richest part of Denver.

I'll bet these kids get
at least ten bucks a tooth

from the "Tooth Fairy."

Hey, that house looks perfect.

There's obviously kids
living there.

Here, you can tell
this is the kid's window

'cause it's got
Mega Man stickers on it.

Cartman, once you're in
the kid's room,

leave the tooth under
the pillow, then come back out.

We'll wait for the parents
to see it and leave money,

then swing you back
in the house to grab it.

Got it.

This is the smartest
business venture ever.

What the?

Hey, what the hell
are you guys doing?

We're gonna sneak a tooth
under this rich kid's pillow,

then come back and collect
the Tooth Fairy money

that his parents leave him.

Hey, you can't do that.
- Why not?

Because
that's what we're doing.

Yeah, you ripped off our idea.

What the hell
are you talking about?

We've been doing this
for over two years.

Two years?
- Nice tooth fairy costume.

You think
anybody'd believe you in that?

It's better than your dress.

You look like a bad
Jennifer Lopez nightmare.

How dare you!

Look, this is our turf.

You better scram before the boss
breaks your legs.

You scram.
We were here first.

What's going on?

Oh, it's the Tooth Fairies.

Oh, nice going.
Now you woke him up.

You woke him up.

I don't have any loose teeth,
Miss Fairies,

but I have been a very good boy.

All: Shut up!
- Alright, that does it.

Come on,
we're going to see the boss.

Who's the boss?

Loogie.

My associates here tell me

you were working Cherry Creek
tonight.

Is that true?
- Uh, yeah.

Right on our turf, boss.

I ain't never seen
that kind of disre--

We were there first!

Kids have been doing
the Tooth Fairy racket

in this town for years.

I do it just like
my big brother before me

and my oldest brother
before that.

Damn it, and we thought
we were so original.

Let me ask you something.

You were gonna sneak a tooth
under this rich kid's pillow.

Then what?
- What do you mean?

How are
the kid's parents gonna know

there was a tooth
under their child's pillow?

Ha!

You guys don't even know
how the tooth trade works.

What's a tooth trade?

Look, any schmuck
can sneak through a window

wearing a pretty dress.

The tooth racket
is much more involved.

We keep careful track
of what houses we've hit

so that we don't hit
the same one twice

in less than two months.

Inside the house,
we not only have to sneak

a tooth under the pillow,

but leave a note
for Mom and Dad to see.

This is how
we let the parents know

to leave money under the pillow.

Once the notes have been placed
in the last house,

we start all over,
going back to the first house.

But this time,
all we have to do

is collect money.

And the kids
never know what hit them.

Together: Wow.

The hardest part
is getting teeth.

We try various places:

cemeteries,

hockey games,

anywhere we can find them.

No!

The teeth we do manage
to acquire

are then sorted according
to size, color, and quality.

But there's never enough teeth.

Never enough.

Amazing.

Man, that is tits!

And now my only problem is,

what do I do with you?

Tell you what,
how would you like

to run the South Park
tooth racket for me?

Oh.
I don't know.

It's that, or else
I can cut off your penises.

Hmm,
work for you?

Have my penis cut off?

Work for you?
Have my penis cut off?

Let's see.
- Cartman!

How much do we get
if we work for you?

I'll cut you in at 2%.

2%?

Have my penis cut off?
2%--

We're in.

Fellow dentists,
as you all know,

we are still having numerous
reports of missing teeth

from all over the country.

There are also reports
of missing Tooth Fairy money.

We believe that there can be
only one logical reason

for all of this.

A giant half-chicken,
half-squirrel

that steals
either teeth or money

from children as they sleep
in order to build

some kind of giant nest
for its genetically superior

and potentially dangerous
offspring.

We believe also that this
creature would have at least

a mild understanding of algebra

and that it--

Uh, excuse me, I think
I have a more logical theory.

Well--well,
by all means, Mr. Foley,

enlighten us.

I think what we've got here

is some kind of
black market tooth racket,

something where one group
is stealing the money and teeth

from another group for a profit.

oh, Mr. Foley, you realize
how ridiculous that sounds.

It's not ridiculous.

It's very possible.

I've seen it happen before.

Where?
In Montreal.

And where, pray, is this

Montreal?

Look, I know
how to handle this.

All we have to do
is bring down the kingpin,

and the rest will fall.

You'll see.

I'll have it taken care of
in a matter of weeks.

Very well, Mr. Foley,

you go on your wild goose chase.

And meanwhile, we'll deal
with the real problems at hand.

I will.

Anyway...

The half-chicken, half-squirrel

would most likely be
about 3 to 4 1/2 feet tall.

His large beak
is probably detachable,

and works as a flotation device.

Hello there, children.

Together: Hey, Chef.

We all want
double desserts today.

Oh, well, I'm afraid

that the school charges extra
for that.

Yeah, well,
that ain't nothin' but a thang.

Oh, my God.

There's got to be
at least $15 here.

That's right.
Keep the change, my man.

Well, look at
you cute little crackers,

with your money
and your fancy clothes

and your cell phones.

It's almost like you are--

Oh my God!

Children, what have I
told you about drugs?

Together: That there's a time
and a place for everything

and it's called college.

That's right.

And the only thing worse
than doing drugs

is dealing drugs.

I'm going to tell you about
when I was your age

and got offered drugs.

Ooh, come on, now.
- Hey, kid.

You want to try some dope?
- What?

Come on, kid,
don't you want to get high?

Hey, man, I don't need dope.

Let me sing you a little song.

What the hell
is he talking about?

Uh, Chef?

Chef.

Chef!
- Huh?

We're not dealing drugs.

You're not?
- No.

Oh, well, children,
whatever you're doing,

just remember this:

having money may seem fun, but--

Oh, never mind.

Together: Thanks, Chef.
- See ya.

Damn,
that little Amanda was fine.

I got to look her up.

Dude,
having this much money is great.

Working for Loogie rules.

Yeah, but you know,
why do we need Loogie?

We know how the trade works.

Why don't we do it ourselves
and keep all the profit?

We can't do that, dude;
Loogie will kick our asses.

Oh, what the hell is that
little Polack gonna do, huh?

Come on, you guys, I say we
create our own mob crime family.

Dude, this book says
there could be

infinite alternate realities
to every reality.

Shut up, Kyle.

They're what?
They're not gonna pay me?

Who the hell
do they think they are?

I want
those South Park kids dead.

I want their families dead.

I want their houses
burned to the ground.

Oh, hi, there, mister.

My mommy and daddy are out front
if you need them.

Let's cut the crap, kid.

My name is Tom Foley.

I'm with
the American Dental Association.

Sit down, Mr. Foley.

You want some spaghetti?

No, thanks.

I just brushed.

I just wanted to let you know
that I'm on to you.

I told the A.D.A.
a thousand times.

I know nothing about teeth.

I'm just an eight-year-old boy

who likes climbing trees
and playing in puddles.

I am going to find out
who the boss is.

And when I do,
I'm going to bust his ass

and everyone's ass
who helped hide his ass.

So you've brought me
400 pounds of teeth from China?

That's right, yeah;
it's all top-grade stuff too.

These Chinese kids are selling
their teeth for peanuts, see?

How much?

Well, Tang Lee wants 30,

but I can cut you a deal
for 28, yeah?

What do you say, huh?

Can I ask you a question,
Weasel?

Well--well--well, sure, sure.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Huh?

These are cat teeth,
you son of a bitch!

You trying to sell me
400 pounds of cat teeth?

Get out of my sight!

Lousy little scum.

What?

This is your last chance, kid.

Either you
give the boss his cut,

or else we're gonna throw
your pal into the river

wearing concrete galoshes.

I ain't giving you crap.

Kenny's not afraid of you.

Oh my god,
this book says

that negative and positive
are the same thing,

that real and not real are one.

He's not gonna do it?

He's not gonna do it?

He's not gonna do it, boss.

Well, then, throw him in.

All right, kid, time to die.

Oh, man,
how deep is the Platte River?

To which Ms. Clinton replied,

"I don't even like vagina."

Finally tonight,
a human interest story.

Dan Akawa is live.

Thanks, Tom.

I'm here at the house
of little Billy Circlovich.

Billy is in desperate need
of a bone marrow transplant,

or he will most certainly die.

Billy, how much more money
do you need for the transplant?

$600--

Louder, Billy,
we can't hear you!

$600.
- Wow, that's a lot of money.

How the hell
are you gonna get all that

in the short amount of time
you have left?

I don't know.

Well, Billy, I also understand
that you lost a tooth today.

Billy, we want you
to put that tooth

under your pillow tonight,

because we have a feeling
that the Tooth Fairy

is going to leave you

$600 for it.

Really?
- Really?

Yes, really, $600.

I might also mention
that Billy lives

in Crestview Apartments just off
Arapaho Road on Emporia Street.

Back to you, Tom.

How was that?

Perfect.
The trap is set.

Oh, come on,
you really think anyone

will fall for something
that stupid?

$600, you guys!

Come on,
get your stuff together.

This is gonna be tits!

Dude, this book says
that I don't exist

unless I think I do,
but what if I don't?

Will somebody
take those books away from him?

Be sure to put
your loose tooth

under your pillow, Billy.

Okay, Mom.

Thank you for helping,
gentlemen.

If this sting operation works,

some bogus tooth fairy
should be showing up

to take the sick kid's money.

When they touch
the kid's pillow,

an alarm will sound.

And that's when
you hit the button, Murphy,

and activate the lights.

Everybody got it?
- Together: Got it.

Duh, which button
do I hit again, boss?

Just kidding.

You know how there's always
the dumb guy

in sting operations
in the movies?

I was just--you know,
I was just acting--

I just like--yeah--oh.

Hurry up, you guys;
we got to get

that sick kid's Tooth Fairy
money before Loogie does.

I can't deal with it, Stan.

I mean, all this stuff
I've been reading,

I really don't think I exist.

Dude,
just stop thinking about it.

But I can't, because what if
thinking about it

is the only thing keeping
my space-time together?

Help!
Hey, you guys, over here!

Sometimes I think I can see
time slowing down

and my own existence fading.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Alright,
everyone keep your eyes peeled.

I'm going to bed now, Mommy.

I put my tooth under the pillow.

Do you really think
the Tooth Fairy

will give me money
for the transplant?

I think so, Billy.
I think so.

I can't wait to feel healthy
and strong again.

Yeah, well,
you're gonna have to wait

a little bit longer, Billy,
'cause that 600 bucks is mine.

Light is a wave
unless it's observed.

That means all matter
is just a wave.

Nothing's real.

Reality and--oh, God,
it's happening!

Kyle?

Hey, something strange
is happening with the computers.

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

Oh, shit.

Did you bastards really think
you could hide from me forever?

Klosky, put this butt wipe
out of his misery.

I got it.
The Tooth Fairy!

Let's move out!

Well, crap.

Give it up, kids.

You're surrounded by dentists.

It was a trap.
- That's right.

And now it's all exposed.
You're through.

The only thing left to do

is haul all you kids
down to prison.

This is reality.

I am everywhere and nowhere.

What the hell?

Kyle?

I am nothing

and everything.

Aha!
I told you.

Let's get out of here!

Huh.
That was pretty weird.

Jesus!

The little sick kid
was a setup all along.

How could I be so stupid?
- What?

I can't believe I fell for
such an obvious trap.

What the hell's wrong with me?

Well,
don't take it too hard, dude.

That's what grown-ups do;
they lie.

Lie right to your face.

Oh, well, maybe it's good
my empire has fallen.

Really?
- Yeah.

I kind of wanted to play on

the flag football team
this year, anyways.

So you're
not going to hurt us or nothing?

No, in a way, I'm just glad
the whole thing's over with.

Yeah, but you know,
I've learned something today.

You see,
the basis of all reasoning

is the mind's awareness
of itself.

What we think,

the external objects
we perceive,

are all like actors
that come on and offstage.

But our consciousness,
the stage itself,

is always present to us.

Tits.

Timmy!