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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 3 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,357 Westminster. The House of Commons. 4 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,069 Every nation, they say, gets the government it deserves, 5 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,321 if that isn't a sobering thought. 6 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:38,241 Beneath that noble roof, my friends, sit six hundred MPs, 7 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,953 made up, for the most part, of Conservatives and Socialists. 8 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,499 One might sum up the enormous difference between the two by saying that, 9 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:50,253 whereas the Conservative philosophy is the exploitation of man by man, 10 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:54,132 with the Socialists, it is exactly the other way round. 11 00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:58,887 Behind those dedicated six hundred, stand the voters who put them there. 12 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:03,141 And heavy indeed is the responsibility that they bear. 13 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,102 Let's take a look at them for a change. 14 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:08,397 Up in the typical parliamentary borough of Earndale, 15 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,565 they're having a by-election next month, 16 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,817 and I can assure you 17 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,860 that you will find the electors of Earndale 18 00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:17,197 as intelligent as any in the country. 19 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,909 Accustomed as they are to exercising their keen judgement 20 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:23,161 on matters of national importance. 21 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:28,291 Alert as they are to the social problems of the day. 22 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:33,755 Impartial and full of the spirit of British fair play. 23 00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:37,426 - Call yourself a referee? - Get out of it! 24 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:42,681 Mature, serious-minded, intelligent citizens, as you'd expect. 25 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,558 For are they not the inheritors 26 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:48,437 of three thousand years of civilisation and culture? 27 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,606 Oh, yes. 28 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:55,277 The eyes of the country are on Earndale, all right. 29 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,448 And Earndale, I am sure, has but one thought in mind. 30 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,708 Ladies and gentlemen, 31 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:13,336 tonight we bring you this week's edition of our popular panel game, 32 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,380 What on Earth Was That? 33 00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:20,051 Good evening. Here we are again with a brand-new set of sound effects 34 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:23,013 to challenge the panel, who are, as usual, your good friends, 35 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,389 Gilbert Harding... 36 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,974 How do you do? 37 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,267 Josephine Douglas... 38 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,477 Hello. 39 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:29,770 Carole Carr... 40 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:30,854 Good evening. 41 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:32,397 And Robert Wilcot. 42 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:35,233 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 43 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,778 Well, I'm sorry to tell you that Bob Wilcot 44 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,614 is making his last appearance with the panel until further notice, 45 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,991 for the very interesting reason that he's just been adopted 46 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,076 as Conservative candidate for Earndale. 47 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:50,165 Bob, we shall miss you very much. 48 00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:51,875 Yes, indeed. 49 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,376 They're always asking me. 50 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:57,005 Thank you, Eamonn. Thank you, Gilbert. Thank you. 51 00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:58,715 You've been with us a long time now, Bob. 52 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,217 Over a year, Eamonn. 53 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,135 Do you remember your first TV appearance? 54 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,804 Oh, I certainly do. 55 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:07,140 Well, before we begin, we have a little surprise for you. 56 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,519 Hold tight, Bob. 57 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,647 You'd just come back from the Combined Universities' 58 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,274 Antarctic Research Expedition, remember? 59 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,486 Pity he doesn't always wear a beard. 60 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,696 You're the naturalist of the party, I believe, Mr Wilcot. 61 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,073 Er, yes. That is correct. 62 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:24,991 Well, now, what was it like down there? 63 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:28,119 Erm... What was it like? 64 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,329 Cold. 65 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,413 What was your job? 66 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:31,957 Erm... 67 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:36,419 Well, I concentrated on various forms of Antarctic life, you know, 68 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,672 erm, of Antarctic life. 69 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:42,342 In fact, I, um... Various forms of life in the Antarctic. 70 00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:43,552 Including penguins? 71 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:44,636 Oh, yes, yes. 72 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:47,180 Penguins are very much my cup of tea. 73 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:50,559 Oh, purely scientifically speaking, of course. 74 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,686 If one can have a scientific cup of tea, 75 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,896 which I don't suppose one can, really. 76 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,566 But, if you could, then I would. 77 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,777 - What was the question again? - What? 78 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,656 Well, you've come a long way since that day, Bob. 79 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:07,617 - I was only a beginner then, Eamonn. - Well, you all know the rest. 80 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,578 The following week, he appeared on Tonight, 81 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,706 the week after that, he joined the panel of What on Earth Was That? 82 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,000 And now he's plunging into politics. 83 00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:18,753 I think, if it is felt, in inviting one, 84 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:20,797 that one has something to offer, 85 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,008 then one should offer that something, 86 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,176 whatever that something may happen to be. 87 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,637 Yes... 88 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,932 Well, I'm-I'm sure you all appreciate Bob's sincerity. 89 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:35,645 Well, now, we really must get on. 90 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:39,149 You all know the rules. All against all. Highest score wins. 91 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,785 What on Earth was that? 92 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,455 Oh, some improbable rubbish. 93 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,749 Greyhound derby. Summit conference. 94 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:58,752 Um... Fox terriers, perhaps? 95 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,629 Dog foxes. 96 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,506 Well, Bob. What was that? 97 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:08,303 Yes. Well, that was the branta leucopsis or barnacle goose. 98 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,764 It breeds in Greenland and Spitsbergen, 99 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,391 and visits the Inner and Outer Hebrides in winter. 100 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:17,062 Absolutely correct! 101 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,067 Aha! Well, me boy, 102 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,069 you certainly signed off with a bang tonight, didn't you? 103 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:25,403 The luck was on my side, Gilbert. 104 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:26,696 - Here you are. - No, thank you. 105 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,657 - When are you going to Earndale? - Er, tomorrow morning. 106 00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:30,784 - Straight fight against Labour, isn't it? - That's right. 107 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,577 Ah. And who's your opponent? 108 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,287 - A Miss Stoker. - Miss Stoker. 109 00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,706 - She ever appeared on television? - Not that I know of. 110 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,210 Well, that fixes her, doesn't it, eh? You'll win in a canter. 111 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:42,712 I always say the party who'll win the next election, 112 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,715 is the one that nails its flag to the television mast. 113 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,093 What's she like, this, er... Miss Stoker? 114 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:51,680 Oh, one of those bluestocking battle-axes, I gather. 115 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,224 - Thank you. - One at a time, girls. Please. 116 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,642 There you go. 117 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,449 - Lovely fresh haddocks. Best quality. - How much? 118 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,201 - Fifteen bob. - Charge me twelve. 119 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,494 - Do me a favour, will you? - I'll give you thirteen. 120 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,746 Now, look, the price is fifteen bob, you fellas. It's not a penny less. 121 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,582 - I'll give you fourteen for five. - They're yours. That's five away to you. 122 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,251 - Dad! - Stella! 123 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,587 - Dad! - Hello, Stella, girl. 124 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:25,880 - Leavin'? - That's right, Jim. 125 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,424 I'm just gonna say goodbye to Dad. 126 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,967 Stella's goin' now, Alf. 127 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,970 - Jim. Take over for a minute, will ya? - Okay, Alf. 128 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,639 Try and get rid of them yellow cod. I'll take half a quid. 129 00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:38,393 - So you're off to Earndale? - Bill's driving me to the station. 130 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,395 I wish I could pop down there with you, Stella, 131 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,564 but I look like being in trouble for the next week or two. 132 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:45,066 - I'll manage. - Yes, I'll bet you will. 133 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:48,486 Not that I ever thought any daughter of mine would put up for Parliament! 134 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,321 We've always been such a respectable family. 135 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,242 Well, goodbye, Stella, love. 136 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,494 And win or lose, I'm proud of you. 137 00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:59,164 Speech! Speech! Speech! 138 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,874 I don't have the time. 139 00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:04,753 Well... 140 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:07,464 I can't promise you I'll win, because, well... 141 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,924 after all, it is my first try. 142 00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:12,135 But I will promise you one thing, 143 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,429 and that is that I'll put up a jolly good fight. 144 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,056 You'll win, Stella! 145 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,977 See you in the House of Commons! 146 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,606 And don't forget to take a tanner off the beer! 147 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:29,360 Bye. 148 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,574 Oh, Bill, we'll never get out. 149 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,201 Oh, that's all right. 150 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,083 What time d'you say your train was? 151 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,668 - Half past. - Oh, we'll do it easy. 152 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,964 All right? 153 00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:00,016 Telegraph and Mail, please. 154 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:04,312 Bobby! 155 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,064 Darling! 156 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,566 Annabel! What are you doing here? 157 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:11,402 You don't think I'd let you go without seeing you off? 158 00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,154 Are you taking breakfast in the diner, sir? 159 00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,406 - Um... Yes, that's right. - I'll go and get you a seat. 160 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:16,616 Righty-o. 161 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:18,660 Darling, I'm thrilled to the absolute marrow 162 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,411 that you've been chosen to be an MP. 163 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,331 I'm not an MP yet, Annabel, dear. Just a candidate. 164 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,960 But you're bound to get in, Bobby. You're so frightfully attractive. 165 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,336 Especially to me. 166 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:31,339 Now, Annabel, you must not start all that over again. 167 00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:33,716 It's not the real me you feel that way about. 168 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,885 You're just mesmerised by the public figure. 169 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,721 Oh, Mr Wilcot, may we just have a picture, sir? 170 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,224 Oh, you think anybody's interested? 171 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,269 If the two of you would just close up... 172 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:50,233 Is Miss Brentwood going down to Earndale with you, Mr Wilcot? 173 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,901 Well, I'd simply love to. 174 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,195 No, no, no, she's far too busy modelling. 175 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,991 - Two, sir? - Er, no, just one, please. 176 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,576 - This way, sir. - Thank you. 177 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,330 Oh, there's a nice seat, Stell. Sit down and, er... 178 00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:05,748 I'll go and get you something to read. 179 00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,625 Oh, the New Statesman if they've got it, please, Bill. 180 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,794 Okay. He's putting your bags down the end. 181 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,713 - Oh, right. - I won't be a minute. 182 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,635 Are you two expecting to make any announcement? 183 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,597 - What of? - Oh, Bobby, really. 184 00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,891 Any announcement would be premature. 185 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:25,018 Well, just the teeniest bit premature. 186 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,812 - We are merely good friends. - Dear friends. 187 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,481 I've reserved you a seat, sir. Number five in the diner. 188 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:31,733 Oh, thank you, porter. 189 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,444 - Well, thank you very much, Mr Wilcot. - Right-o! 190 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,487 - There we are. - Thank you, sir. 191 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,656 Well... 192 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,576 Time I got on the train. Bye-bye, Annabel. 193 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:45,371 Oh, it's all right, darling. I've got a platform ticket. 194 00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:47,790 Here you are, Stell. 195 00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,959 The train's due to leave in a minute. Anything else I can get you? 196 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:53,171 I don't think so. It was sweet of you to see me off. 197 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:55,381 What on Earth's this? 198 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:57,175 Woman's Dream? 199 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,927 Oh, well... I-I thought you'd might like it. 200 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,639 There's an article on page ten about, er, infant welfare. 201 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:06,434 You know, in my opinion, you'd do well to settle down and raise a family. 202 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:10,605 - With your co-operation, I suppose. - Well, that's the general idea. 203 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,816 Oh, well, think it over anyway. 204 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,319 I have, Bill. You know that. 205 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:21,115 Why won't you let me come up, Robert? I'm madly keen to help the Liberals. 206 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:23,618 Annabel, I have mentioned this before, dear, 207 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,954 I'm not a Liberal, I'm a Conservative. 208 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,664 Oh. 209 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,416 Oh, well. There I go, I'm afraid. 210 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:31,709 Bye-bye, Annabel. 211 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:37,131 I wish you luck, anyway and, er... 212 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,217 Well, I'm always here to turn to. You know that. 213 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,136 Bye, Stell. 214 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,182 Good luck. 215 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:50,728 Oh, sorry. 216 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,605 - That's all right. - Au revoir, Robert. 217 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,651 Tremendously good luck! 218 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,916 - Morning. - Good morning. 219 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,826 Breakfast, madam, sir? 220 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,453 Yes. 221 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,662 Together or separate? 222 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:50,788 - Separate. - Separate. 223 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,081 Taking the set breakfast? 224 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,000 - Only toast and tea, please. - Just tea and toast, please. 225 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,212 Tea and toast for two, please, steward. 226 00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,256 We seem to have the same ideas. 227 00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:02,175 Yes, don't we? 228 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,596 I never have a cooked breakfast, myself. 229 00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:08,765 Neither do I. 230 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,434 I had to get used to the simple life in the... 231 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:15,146 well, rather remote parts of the world at one time or another. 232 00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,814 You've travelled a lot? 233 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:19,776 Oh, here and there, you know. To say nothing of everywhere. 234 00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,239 You don't watch TV? 235 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,951 Not since Dad threw the set out of the window. 236 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:32,830 Ah! 237 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:46,636 Bilge! 238 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,472 Oh, I beg your pardon. 239 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,517 - What? Is something wrong? - No, it's... 240 00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:57,063 It's just that it infuriates me, the trash people write for women's magazines. 241 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,231 What? 242 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,067 "Love at Second Sight." 243 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,277 Listen to this. 244 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:04,987 "When Mélisande..." 245 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,490 Mélisande, I ask you. 246 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:11,244 "When Mélisande saw Bartram for the second time, 247 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,037 "a strange thing happened. 248 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:18,126 "It was as if all the natural sounds of the day faded utterly away, 249 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:22,880 "and, in their place, she distinctly heard a gentle tintinnabulation 250 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:25,383 "as of distant musical glasses." 251 00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:28,761 I must say, that's a bit much. 252 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:31,264 When women are given slush like that to drool over, 253 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,891 how can they ever take their proper place in the world? 254 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,852 "Tintinnabulation"? 255 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,605 Well, it's not only slush, it's unsound biologically. 256 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:43,317 Love at first or even second sight is a romantic fiction. 257 00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:44,652 I couldn't agree more. 258 00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,446 Man's selection of a mate 259 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,781 and the display ritual that goes with it 260 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,701 has much in common with the same manifestations in birdlife 261 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,911 as I know from my researches. 262 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,080 Into... birdlife? 263 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,582 Quite. 264 00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,709 Take penguins, for instance. 265 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,670 Sometimes, weeks go by before they even pair off. 266 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,755 Yes, but that's on ice. 267 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,675 Yes... 268 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:11,095 Um... You seem to know a lot about it. 269 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:13,222 Oh, natural history's my subject. 270 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,684 Or rather, it was, until the one-eyed monster got me. 271 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,144 "One-eyed monster"? 272 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,104 - The television. - Oh. 273 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:24,984 - Television? - That's right. 274 00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,487 And... 275 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:28,821 penguins. 276 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,575 - Then you must be... - Ah, guilty. 277 00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,746 Yes. I'm Robert Wilcot, I'm afraid. 278 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,916 It's extraordinary how I'm recognised wherever I go these days. 279 00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,001 One of the penalties of, um... 280 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:43,836 fame, one supposes. 281 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:46,088 And you're going to Earndale for the by-election? 282 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,632 Oh, I see you've heard about it. 283 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:51,344 - Oh, yes. - Here, that's me there, in the middle. 284 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,804 Just underneath the main headline. 285 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,808 Of course, I wouldn't exactly call myself a political expert. 286 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,354 Oh, wouldn't you? 287 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:11,572 Ah, Peterson. 288 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,908 - You came straight here? - Yes, in His Lordship's car. 289 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:17,537 - And the press laid on? - They'll soon be here, Mr Harding-Pratt. 290 00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:31,092 It's Bert Glimmer, your opposite number. 291 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:34,595 Very opposite, I fervently hope. What's he doing here? 292 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:37,056 Old Pompous Percy, eh? 293 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:39,016 I wonder what he's up to. 294 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,977 Top of the morning to you, old sport! 295 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,354 Good day, Glimmer! How are you? 296 00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:44,522 Little squirt. 297 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,818 I hope our candidate's going to be up to snuff. 298 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,111 He's smashing on the telly. 299 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,947 That's not necessarily a sign of political genius. 300 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,950 And do you expect to win this election, Mr Wilcot? 301 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:58,411 Well, they seem to think I have a good chance. 302 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,455 Of course, there's an old family connection with the seat there, you know. 303 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:04,417 - Really? - Mmm. My uncle lives at Wilcot Priory. 304 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,587 In fact, I rather fancy the old rascal put my name up in the first place. 305 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,214 "The old rascal" would be, um... 306 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,216 - Lord Wilcot. - That's right. 307 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,011 Why, my ancestors used to fix the elections there 308 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,971 when Earndale was a rotten borough. 309 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,724 - Really? - Not that I intend to bring that out. 310 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,017 I don't blame you. 311 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:24,312 Mind you, I don't know the first thing about Earndale myself. 312 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,607 In fact, between you and me, I haven't been to Earndale since I was eight. 313 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,109 Not that you intend to bring that out either. 314 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,487 Well, no point in playing into the hands of the opposition, is there? 315 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,323 No, of course not. 316 00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:38,451 By the way, should you be talking like this to a complete stranger? 317 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:41,203 Well, if you don't mind my saying so, 318 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,873 you're so awfully easy to talk to. 319 00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,459 Thank you. 320 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,294 Talking of the opposition... 321 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:52,048 - What about your opponent? - Oh, the battle-axe? 322 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:53,591 - What? - Ah! 323 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,259 Apparently she's one of those bluestockings 324 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,303 from the London School of Economics. 325 00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:59,639 I don't know why there should be always something slightly comic 326 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,891 about the London School of Economics. 327 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,476 Neither do I. 328 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:04,894 Mr Wilcot... 329 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:07,521 Isn't it just possible that the electors 330 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,815 might prefer a battle-axe who knows her business 331 00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,692 to a TV type who doesn't? 332 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:16,405 Well, I say, that's a bit hard. I'm willing to learn, you know. And... 333 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,617 well, after all, my name is familiar in every home. 334 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,870 You could say the same for almost any detergent. 335 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,956 We're just coming into Earndale now, sir. 336 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,083 Oh, are we? 337 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,294 Oh, er... I say, I'm afraid I've talked an awful lot. 338 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,755 - I do hope I haven't bored you. - No, not at all. 339 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:35,633 You have no idea how fascinating this has been. 340 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,259 - Are you getting off here too? - Yes. 341 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:38,886 Oh, good! 342 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,016 Are you going to be in Earndale long? 343 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,394 - About three weeks. - Oh? Same here. 344 00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,270 Oh, we might meet again, then. 345 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,897 We're bound to... 346 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,565 run across each other. 347 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,734 - Where are you staying? - The Castle and Ball. 348 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:56,487 I'm at the Bear. Well, at least tonight. I'm staying with my uncle. 349 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:59,031 Oh, I say, look, just a moment. No, let me. 350 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,991 - No, it's quite all right. - No, really, I insist. 351 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,166 Here she is. 352 00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:14,922 Here he is. 353 00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:23,305 What? It can't be. He's with the Labour candidate. 354 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,182 - She's with the Tory. - What? 355 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,226 He's carrying her bags! 356 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,979 - Just a minute, sir. - Oh. 357 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,398 I'm sorry about this. It's always happening. 358 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,859 Would you look at the lady, sir? 359 00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:35,985 Do you mind? 360 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,405 Here, wait a minute! 361 00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,323 And now one of the lady alone. 362 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:42,950 - What? - Hold it. 363 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,952 Mr Wilcot, what are you doing? 364 00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:45,995 Thank you, Miss Stoker. 365 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:47,997 - Stoker? - She's the Socialist. 366 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,081 Socialist? 367 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,208 Well done, Stella, old girl. What an entrance, eh? 368 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,753 Very nice of you to carry her bags, old man. 369 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,463 Very thoughtful. 370 00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:57,840 Mr Wilcot... 371 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,341 I did warn you. 372 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,650 Well, she might have told me who she was. 373 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,153 Why? This is warfare, Wilcot. 374 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:21,906 You must learn to look on Earndale as a jungle, 375 00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:25,159 with that fellow Glimmer gibbering up the nearest tree. 376 00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:28,537 Blast his eyes. He's going to make hay of this in the papers tomorrow. 377 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:29,872 I'm awfully sorry. 378 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:33,626 Oh, well. As long as you learn from your first whiff of grapeshot. 379 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,753 I hope you didn't say anything indiscreet. 380 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,087 Um... 381 00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:40,216 - No, no, no. I don't think so. - Good. 382 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:47,139 Oh, we're coming up to the priory now. Remember it? 383 00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:48,390 Oh, very well. 384 00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:51,393 The lake, deer park, Queen Elizabeth Room, 385 00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:53,938 so many historical associations. 386 00:21:54,021 --> 00:21:55,689 Hmm, yes. Mmm. 387 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,706 Your uncle's a very remarkable man. 388 00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:33,102 I won't come in. I must get back. I've got a lot to do. 389 00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:35,062 Press conference first thing tomorrow morning. 390 00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:36,939 Here's the programme for the first week. 391 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:39,024 They'll collect you about eight-thirty. I'll see you then. 392 00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:40,985 Right. Thanks for everything. 393 00:22:53,747 --> 00:22:56,417 One complimentary. His Lordship's orders. 394 00:22:57,835 --> 00:23:01,422 - You'll find His Lordship pottering about. - Right, thank you very much. 395 00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,607 Leave that thing alone, Jimmy! 396 00:23:24,862 --> 00:23:27,323 Accrington and Stockport parties, please! 397 00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:33,746 What party are you in? 398 00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:35,664 - Conservative. - Oh. 399 00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:38,918 Any more from the Accrington and Stockport parties? 400 00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:42,004 This way. Pass along, please. This way. This way. 401 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:44,506 Excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find Lord Wilcot? 402 00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:46,216 In the kitchen, I expect. 403 00:23:46,884 --> 00:23:50,554 Accrington and Stockport parties, this way, please! 404 00:24:07,488 --> 00:24:09,281 Um, Lord Wilcot? 405 00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:11,116 - What? - Lord Wilcot. 406 00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:12,534 Hello. 407 00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:14,495 Oh! You must be Robert. 408 00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:16,205 Oh, come in, come in, come in, come in, come in. 409 00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:18,165 Make yourself really uncomfortable. 410 00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:19,667 How are you, sir? 411 00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:23,420 - So you're my nephew and heir. - That's right, sir. 412 00:24:23,504 --> 00:24:26,340 Let me see. When did we last meet? 413 00:24:26,757 --> 00:24:29,176 - When I was eight, sir. - Really? 414 00:24:29,927 --> 00:24:31,220 You changed. 415 00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:33,555 I expect so. 416 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,683 Well, now, let me see. 417 00:24:35,766 --> 00:24:37,434 Bacon and eggs suit you? 418 00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,187 I've been trying to fix these darned fruit machines. 419 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,106 They're paying out far too many jackpots. 420 00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:45,275 - Won't do at all. Two eggs? - Um, no, just one. Thank you, sir. 421 00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:47,861 Haven't you got a cook, Uncle? 422 00:24:47,945 --> 00:24:49,363 A cook? Ha! 423 00:24:49,446 --> 00:24:53,826 My dear boy, my staff is fully occupied with Wilcot Entertainments Limited. 424 00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:57,079 I expect to have a bumper season, thanks to you. 425 00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:58,330 Thanks to me? 426 00:24:58,414 --> 00:24:59,456 Yes. 427 00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:02,209 Recommending you as a candidate was my biggest brainwave. 428 00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:03,711 I don't quite follow you, sir. 429 00:25:03,794 --> 00:25:08,132 Well, with famous TV personality Bobby Wilcot as a candidate, 430 00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:10,634 Wilcot Priory is bound to get a tremendous boost. 431 00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:13,429 Oh, there are endless possibilities. 432 00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:16,974 I intend to revive the old-fashioned hustings here in the grounds. 433 00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:19,143 We could charge at least a shilling a time for your autograph. 434 00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:20,477 Tanner to me, tanner to you. 435 00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:21,562 Uncle! 436 00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,023 Do you mean to say that you recommended me to the party 437 00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:25,941 for sordid financial reasons? 438 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:27,860 Why "sordid"? 439 00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:31,947 Oh, but surely, Uncle... Well, as a Conservative... 440 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:34,241 Oh, but I'm not anymore. 441 00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:36,910 No, I'm neutral. 442 00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:39,872 Got to be with fifty coachloads a year from the Co-op, hmm? 443 00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:43,125 Uncle, I am finding this acutely embarrassing. 444 00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:46,628 My dear boy, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 445 00:25:46,712 --> 00:25:47,755 With respect, sir, 446 00:25:47,838 --> 00:25:49,882 I did not come up here to fight this election 447 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:52,134 purely to advertise your country seat. 448 00:25:52,718 --> 00:25:56,138 Anything that benefits me must benefit the election, 449 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,306 so what on Earth are you worrying about? 450 00:25:57,389 --> 00:26:00,142 - Uncle... - There, there, I understand, my boy. 451 00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:03,312 You want to serve your country and so you shall. 452 00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:07,649 This is all so disillusioning. 453 00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,427 Hmm. Fuse. 454 00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:36,530 Hello, my boy. What can I do for you, hmm? 455 00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:40,409 The fuse has gone in my room, Uncle. 456 00:27:41,827 --> 00:27:43,412 No, that's no fuse. 457 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,581 It needs another shilling in the meter. 458 00:27:45,706 --> 00:27:48,417 - Meter? - Mmm, they're in all the bedrooms now. 459 00:27:49,126 --> 00:27:51,044 Do you need a shilling? Here you are. 460 00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:53,797 Thank you. 461 00:27:54,715 --> 00:27:57,134 Uncle? 462 00:27:57,217 --> 00:27:59,261 What are my chances in the election, really? 463 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:01,930 Oh, touch and go, I'd say. 464 00:28:02,431 --> 00:28:03,891 I see. 465 00:28:03,974 --> 00:28:06,310 - Thank you very much, Uncle. - Er, Robert... 466 00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:10,814 Robert, we're all governed by dead ideas, 467 00:28:10,898 --> 00:28:14,568 but when it comes to party programmes, an idea has not merely to be dead, 468 00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:18,322 but to have lost all meaning before it has any chance of being adopted 469 00:28:18,655 --> 00:28:20,115 with real enthusiasm. 470 00:28:21,116 --> 00:28:22,576 Remember that, my boy. 471 00:28:23,452 --> 00:28:25,829 It'll get you absolutely nowhere. 472 00:28:26,455 --> 00:28:29,082 A hundred and four pounds, two and eightpence for the day's total. 473 00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:32,294 Well above average for this time of year, hmm? 474 00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:35,672 Well, sleep well, my boy. You can pay me back in the morning. 475 00:28:37,758 --> 00:28:39,885 - Good night, Uncle. - Good night, Robert. 476 00:29:20,634 --> 00:29:22,719 Hardy the chauffeur, sir. 477 00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:26,306 Couple of Americans in the Queen Elizabeth Room tonight, sir, 478 00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:28,225 so we're laying on all the trimmings. 479 00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:30,936 Bring you a cup of tea at seven-thirty? 480 00:29:31,812 --> 00:29:33,730 Good night, Mr Robert. 481 00:29:55,377 --> 00:29:57,170 "Carry Your Bag, Ma'am?" 482 00:29:57,254 --> 00:30:00,674 This is how the Earndale Express, which is the local left-wing paper, 483 00:30:00,757 --> 00:30:03,385 features the little incident earlier in the week. 484 00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:06,555 "TV Galahad Comes to Earndale." 485 00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:10,809 Needless to say, the Earndale Advertiser is the right-wing paper, 486 00:30:11,268 --> 00:30:13,687 which takes an exactly opposite view. 487 00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:15,647 Well, viewers, as I said, 488 00:30:15,731 --> 00:30:18,066 today is nomination day in the Earndale by-election, 489 00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:19,151 and, at any moment now, 490 00:30:19,234 --> 00:30:20,902 the candidates will be handing in their papers 491 00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:22,988 together with their deposits, and... 492 00:30:23,572 --> 00:30:25,198 Oh, and there's a car coming here now. 493 00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:30,871 It is Bob Wilcot, the Tory candidate! 494 00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:34,583 How does it feel to be a Tory candidate, Mr Wilcot? 495 00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:35,792 Absolutely splendid. 496 00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:38,545 I expect you find all this very different from the panel game, eh, sir? 497 00:30:38,628 --> 00:30:40,172 Oh, well, yes, I do, but... 498 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,341 Well, I'm sure I shall find the right answers here, too. 499 00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:52,059 I see your opponent, Miss Stoker, has just arrived. 500 00:30:52,142 --> 00:30:53,352 See if you can get her, Jack. 501 00:30:53,435 --> 00:30:57,564 Would you care to say anything about the little incident earlier in the week? 502 00:30:57,647 --> 00:30:59,024 I would just like to say this. 503 00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:00,776 A rather clumsy attempt has been made 504 00:31:00,859 --> 00:31:03,487 to take advantage of a perfectly ordinary piece of good manners, 505 00:31:03,612 --> 00:31:05,322 but I bear no malice whatsoever. 506 00:31:05,447 --> 00:31:08,116 I intend to fight this election without mudslinging, 507 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,702 in a true sporting spirit of fair play. 508 00:31:10,786 --> 00:31:12,120 - Bravo, bravo. - Bravo! 509 00:31:12,204 --> 00:31:13,955 That's the idea. Put them in the wrong. 510 00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:17,793 - Have you any comment, Miss Stoker? - I certainly have. 511 00:31:18,794 --> 00:31:21,630 What is a true sporting spirit? 512 00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:25,050 I don't know and neither does he. 513 00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:28,804 It's simply a meaningless catchphrase, a piece of... 514 00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:31,473 immature political goo. 515 00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:33,266 As for mudslinging... 516 00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:35,685 mud can only be slung where there's any to sling, 517 00:31:35,769 --> 00:31:37,562 and where there's mud to sling, 518 00:31:37,687 --> 00:31:42,692 I assure Mr Wilcot that I intend to sling it in no uncertain manner. 519 00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:45,904 And I hope some of it sticks. 520 00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:47,280 I may be young, 521 00:31:47,364 --> 00:31:49,366 I may be inexperienced, 522 00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:50,367 I may be a woman, 523 00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:52,911 but let me tell you, I am a professional. 524 00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:07,634 A hundred and fifty years ago, 525 00:32:07,717 --> 00:32:12,305 Earndale was a rotten borough controlled by a Wilcot. 526 00:32:12,889 --> 00:32:16,560 Now, we have the last of the line here, pretending to be a local man, when, 527 00:32:16,601 --> 00:32:17,894 let me tell you, 528 00:32:17,978 --> 00:32:21,314 he hasn't seen Earndale since he was eight. 529 00:32:21,398 --> 00:32:24,860 No, Mr Wilcot, this is not cricket 530 00:32:24,901 --> 00:32:26,903 but war to the knife. 531 00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:29,030 - Hear, hear! - Bravo, bravo! 532 00:32:34,119 --> 00:32:35,412 Come along, Wilcot. 533 00:32:37,122 --> 00:32:38,540 Well, come along! 534 00:32:38,582 --> 00:32:41,334 - The nomination. You know. - Oh, yes. 535 00:32:46,089 --> 00:32:47,174 If she wants war to the knife, 536 00:32:47,257 --> 00:32:48,425 she shall have war to the knife. 537 00:32:48,467 --> 00:32:49,759 Mud and all. 538 00:32:49,843 --> 00:32:52,679 Carry the attack to her. Don't you agree, Mr Wilcot? 539 00:32:53,305 --> 00:32:54,931 Don't you agree, Mr Wilcot? 540 00:32:58,018 --> 00:33:00,353 Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yes, rather, rather. 541 00:33:00,437 --> 00:33:02,898 If she wants the gloves off, she shall have the gloves off. 542 00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:05,484 Here's to mud in her eye. 543 00:33:05,567 --> 00:33:08,361 Dig up all the information you can about the girl, Peterson. 544 00:33:08,445 --> 00:33:09,362 Very good, H-P. 545 00:33:10,030 --> 00:33:12,240 She was London School of Economics, wasn't she? 546 00:33:12,324 --> 00:33:14,701 That's always good for a crack. Why, I can't think. 547 00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:15,911 Neither can I. 548 00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:18,580 How about fish? 549 00:33:19,289 --> 00:33:22,250 - Fish? - Her father is a fish merchant. 550 00:33:22,334 --> 00:33:25,504 If Mr Wilcot could work in something about crying, stinking fish, 551 00:33:25,587 --> 00:33:27,130 it would go down rather well, I feel. 552 00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:32,844 Well, I mean, fish is always funny. 553 00:33:32,928 --> 00:33:35,722 Why? We all eat fish, don't we? 554 00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:37,891 How's this for a slogan, H-P? 555 00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,685 "The Labour Party is frying tonight." 556 00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:44,147 I think we should reserve that for election day. 557 00:33:45,982 --> 00:33:49,069 Meanwhile, I'm sure you all agree that we have a fine candidate 558 00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:52,531 even if we haven't made one of the most fortunate of starts. 559 00:33:52,614 --> 00:33:53,740 Now, to business. 560 00:33:53,823 --> 00:33:56,368 Peterson, will you read out the rest of the week's programme? 561 00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:58,620 Tomorrow, ten o'clock, press conference. 562 00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:00,747 Eleven o'clock, visit to almshouse, 563 00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:03,416 Mr Wilcot will speak to old-age pensioners. 564 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,502 Television cameras will be laid on. 565 00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:08,380 Twelve-thirty, lunch at Young Farmers' Club. 566 00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:11,550 Two-thirty to four, canvassing in South Street ward. 567 00:34:11,633 --> 00:34:14,886 Five o'clock, Smith & Hendrix Factory. Six o'clock... 568 00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:17,097 return to base. 569 00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:19,808 ...under starter's orders. 570 00:34:19,975 --> 00:34:22,769 They're under starter's orders now. Coming up to the tapes. 571 00:34:22,852 --> 00:34:25,272 A very nice line-up... and they're off! 572 00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,857 Good afternoon, everybody. 573 00:34:27,941 --> 00:34:32,946 In a moment, Robert Wilcot, your Conservative candidate, 574 00:34:33,029 --> 00:34:35,115 ...will be walking down this street 575 00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:36,992 to show himself to you 576 00:34:37,158 --> 00:34:41,496 and undoubtedly there are many of you who would like to meet him. 577 00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:42,622 Thank you. 578 00:34:45,667 --> 00:34:48,420 Our canvassers have marked the likely names and addresses. 579 00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:50,547 Put down a "C" if they'll vote for you, 580 00:34:50,630 --> 00:34:52,924 "S" for Socialist, and "D" for doubtful. 581 00:34:53,008 --> 00:34:54,926 "C" for me, "S" for her. 582 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:57,679 - "D" for doubtful. - "D" for doubtful. 583 00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:00,307 I'll drift along behind and winkle 'em out with the old voice box. 584 00:35:00,390 --> 00:35:02,225 - All right? - Right. 585 00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:05,895 Your candidate, 586 00:35:05,979 --> 00:35:07,981 Bob Wilcot of TV fame... 587 00:35:08,064 --> 00:35:11,735 is now walking down this street to call on you. 588 00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:13,361 Vote for Wilcot. 589 00:35:13,570 --> 00:35:16,489 The man who knows exactly what he's doing. 590 00:35:18,408 --> 00:35:21,661 - Mr Reeves? - Why don't you fit a blasted suppressor?! 591 00:35:31,713 --> 00:35:33,214 Vote for Wilcot, 592 00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:37,010 the man who will stop at nothing to defend your interest. 593 00:35:37,052 --> 00:35:38,970 Come on, here. On this side. 594 00:35:39,054 --> 00:35:40,722 There, how about that, eh? How... 595 00:35:44,934 --> 00:35:48,355 Vote for Wilcot, the housewife's choice. 596 00:35:48,438 --> 00:35:49,773 Oh, Mrs Maggs? 597 00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:51,524 Oh! 598 00:35:51,608 --> 00:35:54,402 Oh, I know you, don't I? 599 00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:56,154 - I know who you are. - Oh, do you? 600 00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:58,281 - You're Bobby Wallcode. - That's right. 601 00:35:58,365 --> 00:36:00,742 - Now... - Oh, I am pleased to see you. 602 00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:03,286 You look just like you do on the telly. 603 00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:04,746 - Do I? - Yes. 604 00:36:04,954 --> 00:36:08,541 We turn you on every week. Regular like clockwork. 605 00:36:08,625 --> 00:36:10,251 We wouldn't miss you for the world. 606 00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:13,755 I always say you're just like one of the family. 607 00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:16,716 Oh, then I'm sure I can rely on your vote. 608 00:36:18,134 --> 00:36:20,011 Oh, no, I couldn't do that. 609 00:36:20,095 --> 00:36:23,515 - What? - Oh no, I couldn't do anything like that. 610 00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:25,225 Mrs Maggs! 611 00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,687 - Mrs Maggs! - I couldn't do a thing like that. 612 00:36:51,751 --> 00:36:53,461 Oh, Mr Smithson? 613 00:36:53,545 --> 00:36:55,171 May I introduce myself? 614 00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:57,257 I am your Conservative candidate. 615 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,803 Yes, I'm Robert Wilcot. 616 00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:02,929 I see. 617 00:37:04,264 --> 00:37:07,642 Just showing myself to my supporters, you know. 618 00:37:08,727 --> 00:37:09,853 I see. 619 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:14,190 Well, thank you very much. 620 00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:32,125 Mr Wilcot! 621 00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:35,879 You know we're due at the factory in a couple of minutes? 622 00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,213 Oh, yes. 623 00:37:39,924 --> 00:37:41,926 - Getting any results? - Oh, yes. 624 00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:44,220 Definitely. 625 00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:48,099 I've been working on one or two thoughts. 626 00:37:48,183 --> 00:37:50,059 How's this for a point? 627 00:37:50,226 --> 00:37:54,022 "My fair opponent may have learned at the London School of Economics 628 00:37:54,105 --> 00:37:56,816 "how many red herrings make five. 629 00:37:56,900 --> 00:38:01,321 "That seems no reason for introducing Billingsgate methods into this contest." 630 00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:03,656 - Pretty good, hmm? - Yes, but... 631 00:38:03,740 --> 00:38:05,366 Why do we have to be so personal? 632 00:38:05,492 --> 00:38:07,535 Well, she started it, didn't she? 633 00:38:08,161 --> 00:38:12,081 I feel "how many red herrings make five" is a particularly happy touch. 634 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,504 Well, we'll reserve it for your uncle's hustings. Oh, here we are. 635 00:38:18,505 --> 00:38:20,131 Hello, everybody! 636 00:38:20,215 --> 00:38:25,011 Here is your Conservative candidate Robert Wilcot to speak to you. 637 00:38:31,434 --> 00:38:33,937 - Well, here we are. - You speak from the Land Rover. 638 00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:35,522 - Thank you, Mr Egerton. - Good day, Mrs Samson. 639 00:38:35,647 --> 00:38:37,232 Good day, Mr Harding-Pratt. 640 00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:39,984 Autographs after the meeting, thank you, madam. 641 00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:41,444 Now, don't forget, everybody knows you. 642 00:38:41,528 --> 00:38:43,947 Just relax, imagine you're on television. 643 00:38:45,782 --> 00:38:47,784 - My friends. - Hello, Bobby boy! 644 00:38:49,285 --> 00:38:52,956 My friends, I feel I can call you that because... 645 00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:56,835 after all, I have appeared in so many of your homes. 646 00:38:58,127 --> 00:38:59,629 In fact, when I leave here, 647 00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:02,423 I hope that nobody will turn to his neighbour and say, 648 00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:03,925 "What on Earth was that?" 649 00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:10,974 Well, I have come here so that I can see you and... 650 00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:13,977 so that you can see what sort of a fellow I am. 651 00:39:14,644 --> 00:39:16,980 Well, now, what is the policy that I stand for? 652 00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:18,731 Vote Labour! 653 00:39:19,983 --> 00:39:25,238 Gather round, lads and lassies, and listen to your Labour candidate. 654 00:39:26,698 --> 00:39:28,950 What you mean by trespassing on our territory? 655 00:39:28,992 --> 00:39:30,451 Trespassing, old dear? This is our pitch. 656 00:39:30,577 --> 00:39:33,830 - It's in our programme. Time and place. - Free country, isn't it? 657 00:39:33,872 --> 00:39:36,624 Do you realise that, without some sort of elementary give and take, 658 00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:38,459 the whole thing will become an absolute shambles! 659 00:39:38,543 --> 00:39:41,212 Oh, that's right, cock. You give way, we take your place. 660 00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:43,882 We're not shifting an inch! 661 00:39:43,965 --> 00:39:45,967 Please yourself, old darling, please yourself. 662 00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:47,594 Hello, everybody. 663 00:39:47,677 --> 00:39:51,890 This is Stella Stoker, your only professional candidate. 664 00:39:54,183 --> 00:39:57,020 I don't know what you can think of me, because... 665 00:39:57,145 --> 00:39:59,981 I've never been on a TV programme. 666 00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:02,525 I've never been to the Antarctic... 667 00:40:02,609 --> 00:40:04,027 Carry on, Wilcot. Don't falter! 668 00:40:04,152 --> 00:40:07,530 - And I've only seen a penguin at the zoo. - What is the policy that I stand for? 669 00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:10,116 - I stand for free enterprise, and I am... - So I must be 670 00:40:10,199 --> 00:40:11,367 - a dead loss... - ...not ashamed of having been 671 00:40:11,451 --> 00:40:12,952 - to the Antarctic. - ...by Tory standards here. 672 00:40:20,293 --> 00:40:24,464 You, the electorate, are therefore faced with a clear choice 673 00:40:24,547 --> 00:40:26,633 between my Labour opponent and myself. 674 00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:29,260 - Fair play! - And all you have to do 675 00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:32,347 - is to decide between... - Free speech! 676 00:40:32,555 --> 00:40:36,351 The eyes of the country are upon Earndale at this moment. 677 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:37,685 Be British! 678 00:40:37,769 --> 00:40:40,063 ...problems of the working people 679 00:40:40,188 --> 00:40:41,731 - of Great Britain. - Rubbish! 680 00:40:41,814 --> 00:40:43,483 The Conservative Party 681 00:40:43,608 --> 00:40:46,486 - has a proud tradition... - As for myself, I have no doubt... 682 00:40:46,653 --> 00:40:48,154 I am determined to make 683 00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:50,907 myself heard, and nothing is going to stop me! 684 00:40:50,990 --> 00:40:52,951 ...going to stop me... stop me... stop me... 685 00:40:53,034 --> 00:40:53,826 Oh. 686 00:40:53,952 --> 00:40:56,162 You can carry on, Wilcot. It's all yours. 687 00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:58,790 What is the policy I stand for? 688 00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:00,667 Well, don't ask them! Tell them! 689 00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:02,543 Look at this, my friends! 690 00:41:02,627 --> 00:41:05,672 Sabotage! Are we gonna stand for sabotage? 691 00:41:05,797 --> 00:41:07,131 No! 692 00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:10,426 Does he think he can shout us down? 693 00:41:10,510 --> 00:41:11,928 No! 694 00:41:12,929 --> 00:41:16,808 My party stands, and I stand... 695 00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:20,353 Loudspeaker or no loudspeaker, if this... 696 00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:24,190 ROBERT: I stand for free speech... 697 00:41:25,858 --> 00:41:28,611 Vote Labour! Vote Labour! 698 00:41:28,695 --> 00:41:31,364 Freedom of speech! Freedom of speech! 699 00:41:32,281 --> 00:41:33,866 Up the Labour Party! 700 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,039 Silence! 701 00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:43,084 Silence! 702 00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:45,169 Thank you. 703 00:41:47,088 --> 00:41:48,464 To resume, 704 00:41:48,756 --> 00:41:51,009 What is the policy that I stand for? 705 00:41:52,552 --> 00:41:54,846 I stand for free enterprise 706 00:41:55,304 --> 00:41:56,931 and freedom of speech! 707 00:42:04,355 --> 00:42:09,152 The issues are therefore clear-cut as these two parties face each other. 708 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,571 You, the electorate, are faced 709 00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:16,284 with a clear choice between my Labour opponent and myself. 710 00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:48,459 Stella... 711 00:43:57,510 --> 00:43:59,345 "I'm not saying that Mr Wilcot 712 00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:01,139 "couldn't manage to guess the right answer 713 00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:03,349 "in some daft panel game, 714 00:44:03,432 --> 00:44:05,977 "or cure a penguin of a sick headache, 715 00:44:06,102 --> 00:44:09,647 "but will that pay the rent for a single old-age pensioner?" 716 00:44:09,981 --> 00:44:11,440 How's that, Stell? 717 00:44:11,858 --> 00:44:14,652 Do we have to go on being personal all the time? 718 00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:18,197 Well, that's the whole idea of hustings. Slanging match. 719 00:44:18,281 --> 00:44:20,867 "Cure a penguin of a sick headache." 720 00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:23,953 One of my best bon mots, although I say it myself. 721 00:44:32,044 --> 00:44:37,008 It is now my pleasure to present to you Miss Stella Stoker, 722 00:44:37,133 --> 00:44:38,676 the Labour candidate. 723 00:44:38,926 --> 00:44:42,471 Mr Wilcot may be able to cure a sick penguin... 724 00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:45,641 Anyway, I'm sure he'd try and... 725 00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:48,895 we all know what brilliant guesses he makes on TV. 726 00:44:49,562 --> 00:44:53,232 But will this help a single old-age pensioner? 727 00:44:54,066 --> 00:44:57,278 Oh, I know he wants to help them, but, I mean... 728 00:44:57,361 --> 00:44:59,280 Well... will it? 729 00:45:01,991 --> 00:45:06,579 My fair opponent may have learned how many red herrings make five 730 00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:08,873 at the London School of Economics, 731 00:45:08,956 --> 00:45:11,334 and all credit to her for having made her way there 732 00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:12,877 entirely through her own efforts. 733 00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:17,048 But that is no reason for resorting to Billingsgate methods. 734 00:45:17,590 --> 00:45:23,429 Though I am sure they are being forced upon her by others less scrupulous. 735 00:45:25,514 --> 00:45:29,352 Well, now, it's time we came to the question of policy. 736 00:45:29,435 --> 00:45:32,355 What my party intends to do. 737 00:45:32,396 --> 00:45:35,358 What I intend to do, if I'm elected. 738 00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:38,110 Er, I beg your pardon. I mean... 739 00:45:38,194 --> 00:45:40,029 when I am elected. 740 00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:44,825 Psst! 741 00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,828 Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. 742 00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:51,082 - Latest figures, my Lord. - Yes, Hardy. 743 00:45:51,207 --> 00:45:54,877 Car park: twenty-five pounds ten. Coaches: sixty-seven pounds. 744 00:45:54,961 --> 00:45:57,546 Bicycles: twelve pounds fifteen. 745 00:45:57,672 --> 00:46:00,341 That's an all-time record to date, my Lord. 746 00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:02,218 Good man, Hardy. Keep me posted. 747 00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:08,891 To resume, it is my sincere belief 748 00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:11,852 that our programme cannot be approached 749 00:46:11,936 --> 00:46:14,272 by that of any other political party. 750 00:46:14,397 --> 00:46:15,439 Hear, hear! 751 00:46:15,523 --> 00:46:18,025 And when I have outlined that programme to you, 752 00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:21,696 I feel confident that you will agree with me. 753 00:46:22,947 --> 00:46:24,907 Item one... 754 00:46:24,991 --> 00:46:25,992 Housing! 755 00:46:26,033 --> 00:46:28,869 Hear, hear! Housing! 756 00:46:32,707 --> 00:46:35,167 Thank you, my boy. Thank you, indeed. 757 00:46:35,251 --> 00:46:36,502 A top-hole speech. 758 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:40,131 Now, ladies and gentlemen, question time will come later. 759 00:46:40,214 --> 00:46:41,716 In the meantime, there will be an interval 760 00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:44,844 for the splendid, self-service teas in the priory cellars. 761 00:46:44,969 --> 00:46:48,764 And don't forget that both candidates, at four-fifty precisely, 762 00:46:48,848 --> 00:46:52,476 will be visiting the magnificent sideshows provided for your entertainment. 763 00:46:52,601 --> 00:46:55,271 That's all. Off you go and enjoy yourselves. 764 00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:56,439 Item one... 765 00:46:56,981 --> 00:46:59,442 Housing! 766 00:46:59,734 --> 00:47:01,861 All right, then. Item two... 767 00:47:04,113 --> 00:47:06,324 Come along, now. Roll up, roll up. 768 00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:08,659 Here's your chance to silence the speaker 769 00:47:08,743 --> 00:47:11,537 or... or puncture the chancellor of the exchequer. 770 00:47:13,247 --> 00:47:15,041 Splendid shooting, my boy. 771 00:47:15,124 --> 00:47:17,126 He's winged the prime minister. 772 00:47:18,085 --> 00:47:20,588 Have another bob's worth. Only a shilling a time. 773 00:47:20,671 --> 00:47:24,216 Come along now. Demolish your political opponents. 774 00:47:24,300 --> 00:47:27,511 Three balls for sixpence but seven for a shilling. 775 00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:30,473 Oh, bad luck, Miss Stoker! 776 00:47:30,556 --> 00:47:32,141 Come along now, Robert. You have a go. 777 00:47:32,224 --> 00:47:33,768 This is an absolute rap, Uncle. 778 00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:35,644 Yes, isn't it wonderful? 779 00:47:35,728 --> 00:47:37,646 Down with the Tories! 780 00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:40,649 Oh! 781 00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:45,696 Walk up, walk up, and solve the mystery of the Westminster Maze. 782 00:47:45,821 --> 00:47:48,574 All you have to do is to test your political know-how 783 00:47:48,657 --> 00:47:50,076 by finding your way in 784 00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:52,453 and then finding your way out again. That's all. 785 00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:54,372 Robert, my boy. Forward! 786 00:47:54,663 --> 00:47:57,208 Have you no shame at all, Uncle? 787 00:47:57,750 --> 00:47:59,835 Not... Not enough to notice. 788 00:47:59,919 --> 00:48:01,504 But seriously, Robert, you ought to have a go. 789 00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:03,589 It's a remarkably ingenious bit of designing. 790 00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:06,467 It was built by my great-grandfather as a refuge... 791 00:48:06,550 --> 00:48:08,719 from my great-grandmother. Oh, it worked, too! 792 00:48:08,803 --> 00:48:10,513 I want to get back onto the platform! 793 00:48:10,596 --> 00:48:13,307 Robert, Robert, the filly is approaching the starting gate. 794 00:48:13,391 --> 00:48:15,434 Are you going to stay in the paddock? 795 00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:20,856 She's wasted in politics, that girl. 796 00:48:21,732 --> 00:48:23,901 Oh, if I were only... Let me see now, 797 00:48:24,235 --> 00:48:25,945 forty-five years younger. 798 00:48:33,077 --> 00:48:36,997 I'd better go in with him. I'm seriously concerned about his fighting spirit. 799 00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:38,791 You stay with His Lordship and, for Heaven's sake, 800 00:48:38,874 --> 00:48:41,127 keep the old boy off the parsnip wine. 801 00:48:50,219 --> 00:48:54,014 - Wilcot! Are you feeling tired? - No. 802 00:48:54,098 --> 00:48:56,767 A little below par perhaps? I thought it showed in your speech. 803 00:48:56,851 --> 00:48:58,894 You know, you did my piece about the five red herrings 804 00:48:58,978 --> 00:49:01,147 rather less than justice, if I may say so. 805 00:49:01,272 --> 00:49:02,857 After all, the campaign had... 806 00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:06,986 Wilcot! 807 00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:08,362 Wilcot! 808 00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:14,452 Wilcot! 809 00:49:23,502 --> 00:49:25,171 But I'm worried about you, Stella. 810 00:49:25,254 --> 00:49:26,797 I tell you, I'm perfectly all right. 811 00:49:26,881 --> 00:49:29,800 Well, you ruined that bit about the penguin with a sick headache. 812 00:49:29,884 --> 00:49:32,303 I wish you'd stop carping and try to find the way out. 813 00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,930 But it's my job to... Stella! Wait a minute! 814 00:49:36,849 --> 00:49:38,017 Stella! 815 00:49:41,604 --> 00:49:43,522 - Lost? - Certainly not! 816 00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:45,608 Oh, in that case, you can tell me which is the right way. 817 00:49:45,733 --> 00:49:47,943 - I've no idea. - Oh, then you must be lost. 818 00:49:48,068 --> 00:49:50,446 - I'm nothing of the kind. - You are, obviously. 819 00:49:50,571 --> 00:49:53,115 Look, perhaps if we sort of work this thing out together... 820 00:49:53,199 --> 00:49:55,951 You know perfectly well I can't talk to you. 821 00:49:56,035 --> 00:49:59,371 Anyway, I don't want to, so please don't follow me. 822 00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:02,208 No intention of doing anything of the kind. 823 00:50:02,750 --> 00:50:05,252 - Wilcot! - Oh, shut up. 824 00:50:10,216 --> 00:50:12,009 Oh! 825 00:50:14,512 --> 00:50:15,763 Wilcot! 826 00:50:24,939 --> 00:50:27,066 Must you dog my footsteps? 827 00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:28,776 I'm not dogging anybody. 828 00:50:29,401 --> 00:50:32,154 Just trying to find my way out of this blasted place. 829 00:50:33,447 --> 00:50:35,199 Why can't you be civil? 830 00:50:39,787 --> 00:50:41,080 Oh, Miss Stoker. 831 00:50:42,957 --> 00:50:45,960 I think you're absolutely bloody marvellous. 832 00:50:47,378 --> 00:50:49,380 I can't think of anything else but you. 833 00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:52,508 I know I shouldn't say it, but... Well, there you are, I've said it. 834 00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:54,176 - You must be mad. - Oh, I am. 835 00:50:54,260 --> 00:50:56,804 I know it doesn't make any sense politically. 836 00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:58,847 In fact, carried through to its logical conclusions, 837 00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:01,976 this sort of thing would make party divisions utterly meaningless. 838 00:51:02,518 --> 00:51:04,311 But the fact of the matter is... 839 00:51:05,312 --> 00:51:07,314 I am completely besotted with you, 840 00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:09,942 and it's unhinging my whole campaign. 841 00:51:10,025 --> 00:51:11,694 Oh! Well, I can't stay here. 842 00:51:11,777 --> 00:51:14,446 - I can't. - I know you won't believe this, but... 843 00:51:14,530 --> 00:51:16,574 Well, it's just like it said in your magazine. 844 00:51:17,283 --> 00:51:18,951 Everything sort of stopped. 845 00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:21,745 I heard a gentle tintinnabulation. 846 00:51:22,871 --> 00:51:24,665 You too? 847 00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:26,834 Oh, must have been a delusion, of... 848 00:51:27,626 --> 00:51:28,502 What?! 849 00:51:29,712 --> 00:51:31,755 Stella. 850 00:51:33,173 --> 00:51:34,675 Oh, Stella! 851 00:51:53,944 --> 00:51:55,195 Stella! 852 00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:01,076 Mr Wilcot, what have you done? 853 00:52:07,541 --> 00:52:09,209 And I'm the one who's gonna do it. 854 00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:11,962 I'll teach the Tories to nominate a sex maniac 855 00:52:12,046 --> 00:52:14,256 for a respectable seat like Earndale. 856 00:52:14,340 --> 00:52:16,967 No wonder they had to send him to the Antarctic. 857 00:52:17,051 --> 00:52:19,637 Heaven knows what he'd be like in a heatwave. 858 00:52:19,762 --> 00:52:23,015 He won't dare to show his face in decent society after this. 859 00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:25,643 He won't even be able to show it on television. 860 00:52:25,726 --> 00:52:27,645 - No, Bert. - What? 861 00:52:27,728 --> 00:52:30,022 I don't want anything said or done. 862 00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:32,107 I just want to forget about it. 863 00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:34,652 I mean it, Bert. 864 00:52:34,735 --> 00:52:37,071 Stella, my girl. Are you trying to tell me... 865 00:52:37,196 --> 00:52:39,782 I just said I wanted to forget about it. 866 00:52:39,907 --> 00:52:42,034 Gor, stone the crows! 867 00:52:42,117 --> 00:52:44,161 Then I did see what I thought I saw. 868 00:52:44,870 --> 00:52:46,372 Well, this is horrible. 869 00:52:46,914 --> 00:52:48,248 Not only horrible, I... 870 00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:50,459 don't think it's ever happened before. 871 00:52:50,751 --> 00:52:52,086 If we was all to behave like this, 872 00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:54,546 what would happen to parliamentary government? 873 00:52:54,672 --> 00:52:57,633 - That's what he said. - I don't care what he said! 874 00:52:57,716 --> 00:52:59,468 I don't want to know! 875 00:52:59,927 --> 00:53:01,595 I'm not at all sure you haven't... 876 00:53:01,679 --> 00:53:03,806 destroyed my faith in human nature. 877 00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:07,017 I understand how you feel, Bert. 878 00:53:07,101 --> 00:53:09,395 I'm shaken rigid, that's the truth. 879 00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:12,356 I know I gave way to a stupid impulse, but... 880 00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:14,191 only for a moment. 881 00:53:14,775 --> 00:53:17,069 I promise it won't happen again, ever. 882 00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:19,822 I want to fight this election as if nothing had happened 883 00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:21,865 and we'll win it, Bert, you'll see! 884 00:53:21,949 --> 00:53:23,826 You mean it's war to the knife again? 885 00:53:23,909 --> 00:53:24,827 War to the knife. 886 00:53:24,910 --> 00:53:27,246 And no holds barred? Er... No quarter? 887 00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:28,414 No quarter. 888 00:53:28,497 --> 00:53:30,999 - You sure about that? - Well, of course I'm sure. 889 00:53:31,083 --> 00:53:32,876 - What do you take me for? - Well, I mean we want... 890 00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:34,545 Do you think I have no sense of responsibility? 891 00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:37,047 - Well, don't get excited. - You think I'm not ashamed? 892 00:53:37,131 --> 00:53:41,176 - All right. - Do you think I can't control myself? 893 00:53:51,562 --> 00:53:54,231 ♪ Though parted apart from my darling ♪ 894 00:53:54,314 --> 00:53:55,482 Wilcot! 895 00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:56,859 Just a minute! 896 00:53:56,942 --> 00:54:00,612 ♪ I dream of her everywhere 897 00:54:00,696 --> 00:54:03,907 - ♪ The sound of her voice is about me ♪ - Singing! 898 00:54:03,991 --> 00:54:07,035 ♪ The spell of her presence is there ♪ 899 00:54:07,119 --> 00:54:11,290 - Oh, not another! - ♪ The face of a gentle maiden 900 00:54:11,331 --> 00:54:12,791 ♪ Will follow me 901 00:54:12,875 --> 00:54:15,961 ♪ Till I die ♪ 902 00:54:16,044 --> 00:54:17,463 Hello, my dear chap. Where have you been? 903 00:54:17,546 --> 00:54:19,423 Someone had to invent some reason 904 00:54:19,506 --> 00:54:21,467 why neither candidate returned to the platform. 905 00:54:21,592 --> 00:54:24,011 And then I find you singing in your bath. Actually singing! 906 00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:25,971 I'm terribly sorry, but it just slipped out. 907 00:54:26,054 --> 00:54:27,264 Singing! 908 00:54:27,347 --> 00:54:31,435 After behaviour better suited to the shadier streets of Naples! 909 00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:34,897 Oh, don't you realise? This might lead to the most ghastly scandal. 910 00:54:34,980 --> 00:54:37,441 That girl's as clever as a wagonload of monkeys. 911 00:54:38,025 --> 00:54:40,694 I must ask you to be very careful indeed 912 00:54:40,778 --> 00:54:42,029 how you speak of Miss Stoker. 913 00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:44,406 Oh, really! What about the party? 914 00:54:44,490 --> 00:54:45,699 - When is it? - Oh! 915 00:54:46,033 --> 00:54:48,410 What about the electors? What about me? 916 00:54:48,494 --> 00:54:51,246 Well, I suppose it's only natural that you should flap a bit, Harding-Pratt, 917 00:54:51,330 --> 00:54:52,664 not knowing the sort of fellow I really am. 918 00:54:52,748 --> 00:54:54,625 - What? - Oh, I admit that my feelings 919 00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:56,251 got the better of me this afternoon. 920 00:54:56,335 --> 00:54:58,879 But I can assure you that it will not occur again. 921 00:54:58,962 --> 00:55:00,798 I've thought the matter over very carefully 922 00:55:00,881 --> 00:55:03,634 and I have decided, in the interests of the party, 923 00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:07,888 that I shall not see Miss Stoker again until immediately after I am elected. 924 00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:09,640 - You really mean that? - I do. 925 00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:11,266 - And you won't go back on it? - Never. 926 00:55:11,350 --> 00:55:14,645 And you really will put your heart and soul into this campaign? 927 00:55:14,686 --> 00:55:15,938 Definitely. 928 00:55:16,021 --> 00:55:19,024 Wilcot, you've taken an enormous weight off my mind. 929 00:55:19,107 --> 00:55:21,109 ROBERT: Come in. 930 00:55:21,944 --> 00:55:23,862 Sorry, sir. The lady sent them back. 931 00:55:23,946 --> 00:55:26,949 - Wouldn't take them in. - Oh, well, um... Never mind. 932 00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:30,619 - Thank you very much. - Thank you, sir. 933 00:55:32,621 --> 00:55:34,623 Wilcot, you didn't send those flowers to her! 934 00:55:34,706 --> 00:55:35,833 Well, only anonymously. 935 00:55:35,916 --> 00:55:38,585 "Only anonymously"? She knew where to send them back, didn't she? 936 00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:42,548 Sending flowers to your opponent? This is callowness run riot. 937 00:55:42,631 --> 00:55:45,342 "What next?" I ask myself. "What next?" 938 00:55:45,425 --> 00:55:47,344 And what's that doing there? 939 00:55:47,845 --> 00:55:52,474 Well... Montgomery had a photograph of Rommel in his caravan, didn't he? 940 00:55:53,141 --> 00:55:57,354 Wilcot, I'm overcome with a feeling of almost ludicrous inadequacy. 941 00:55:57,437 --> 00:56:00,482 I have given you my word... 942 00:56:00,816 --> 00:56:02,234 Hello? 943 00:56:03,110 --> 00:56:04,862 - Hello... - It's probably the press. 944 00:56:04,945 --> 00:56:07,197 We must appear absolutely nonchalant. 945 00:56:07,698 --> 00:56:08,824 Hello. 946 00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:10,868 Yes, speaking. 947 00:56:10,951 --> 00:56:11,869 Who? 948 00:56:13,579 --> 00:56:15,205 It's that fellow Glimmer. 949 00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:18,876 Blackmail, no doubt. I'd better go straight over to the attack. 950 00:56:19,001 --> 00:56:22,588 Hello, Glimmer. Well, I take it you're calling me with an apology? 951 00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:25,340 What do you mean, "Come off it"? 952 00:56:27,301 --> 00:56:29,720 Oh. Oh, you think so, do you? 953 00:56:31,305 --> 00:56:32,556 Well, I... 954 00:56:32,639 --> 00:56:34,516 I might. It depends. 955 00:56:37,603 --> 00:56:38,979 What time? 956 00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:41,815 Where? 957 00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:45,235 Wait for me, will you? 958 00:57:08,884 --> 00:57:10,552 Large Scotch, please. 959 00:57:12,012 --> 00:57:14,806 - Well? - This is a very nasty business. 960 00:57:14,890 --> 00:57:17,017 I hope you told your candidate so. 961 00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:19,519 What do you mean? Yours assaulted mine. 962 00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:21,313 I have no wish to be indelicate, 963 00:57:21,396 --> 00:57:24,191 but I distinctly saw yours returning the pressure. 964 00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:27,235 Look, supposing we drop this, old sport? We're both in a spot. 965 00:57:27,319 --> 00:57:28,403 I agree with you. 966 00:57:28,528 --> 00:57:29,947 Just this once. 967 00:57:30,072 --> 00:57:33,075 The truth is, there's no room for a ruddy Romeo and Juliet in a by-election. 968 00:57:33,116 --> 00:57:35,327 Quite. If this obscene canker spreads, 969 00:57:35,410 --> 00:57:37,663 it'll make a mockery of the House of Commons. 970 00:57:37,746 --> 00:57:39,289 - That's what he said. - Who? 971 00:57:39,373 --> 00:57:40,707 - Yours. - Mine? 972 00:57:40,791 --> 00:57:42,793 Well, he's a fine one to talk. 973 00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:45,212 Well, mine's gone completely broody. 974 00:57:45,295 --> 00:57:47,673 In my opinion, women and politics simply don't mix. 975 00:57:47,756 --> 00:57:50,425 Well, I feel just the same about amateurs. 976 00:57:50,509 --> 00:57:52,469 After all, we're the pros, old man. 977 00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,054 We're the ones who get 'em in. 978 00:57:54,137 --> 00:57:56,431 Not that we're ever appreciated. 979 00:57:56,515 --> 00:57:58,892 They just don't know, H-P, they don't know. 980 00:57:59,017 --> 00:58:00,644 You don't mind if I call you "H-P"? 981 00:58:01,436 --> 00:58:03,730 No, of course not, um... Bert. 982 00:58:04,648 --> 00:58:07,484 H-P, this flaming romance has got to be nipped in the bud. 983 00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:08,860 Yes, but how? 984 00:58:08,944 --> 00:58:10,112 Turn 'em against each other? 985 00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:13,281 Well, that'll take some doing. Sickening couple. 986 00:58:13,991 --> 00:58:15,826 We could do with an old flame. 987 00:58:15,909 --> 00:58:18,996 The old infernal triangle, if you'll pardon the "clitch". 988 00:58:20,956 --> 00:58:23,291 Or better still, a quadrangle. 989 00:58:23,875 --> 00:58:25,460 By gosh, you're right! 990 00:58:25,544 --> 00:58:27,212 - What? - I've just remembered something. 991 00:58:27,295 --> 00:58:29,965 Bert, you and I have got to go into partnership. 992 00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:31,258 Ooh! 993 00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:32,843 Steady on, old man. 994 00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:35,887 It was a nasty turn coming out with a thing like that. 995 00:58:38,056 --> 00:58:41,601 "Arriving this afternoon, 2.45 p.m. train. 996 00:58:41,685 --> 00:58:44,646 "Wildly excited, darling. Annabel." 997 00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:45,981 Annabel? 998 00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:48,692 I say, H-P, we can't have this. We must stop her at once! 999 00:58:49,317 --> 00:58:50,902 Too late. 1000 00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:00,162 I still think someone else should meet Annabel 1001 00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:02,414 and push her right back again on the first train to London. 1002 00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:05,042 From what you've told me yourself, she's a well-known model 1003 00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:07,711 and the rebuff might attract the worst kind of publicity. 1004 00:59:07,794 --> 00:59:10,839 I don't want to see Annabel at all, especially "wildly excited". 1005 00:59:17,137 --> 00:59:18,764 Bobby! 1006 00:59:21,892 --> 00:59:24,019 - Darling! - Oh. 1007 00:59:24,102 --> 00:59:25,687 You got here, then, Annabel? 1008 00:59:25,771 --> 00:59:28,106 Of course. I came the minute I heard. 1009 00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:29,441 "Heard"? 1010 00:59:29,524 --> 00:59:32,569 How do you do, Miss Brentwood? I'm Christopher Harding-Pratt. 1011 00:59:32,652 --> 00:59:34,071 So pleased. 1012 00:59:34,154 --> 00:59:37,824 Well, darling, are you collecting a lovely lot of delicious votes? 1013 00:59:38,700 --> 00:59:41,119 I thought you said the press weren't to be told. 1014 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:44,956 Peterson, Peterson! How on Earth did this happen? 1015 00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:46,792 I did my best, H-P. 1016 00:59:46,875 --> 00:59:48,502 I'm sure you did. 1017 00:59:48,627 --> 00:59:50,087 This way, Miss Brentwood. 1018 00:59:53,090 --> 00:59:54,633 Sir! 1019 00:59:57,594 --> 01:00:00,305 Would you care to say a few words on this romantic occasion? 1020 01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:01,681 This what? 1021 01:00:01,765 --> 01:00:02,933 Romantic occasion. 1022 01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:04,810 How did you ever guess? 1023 01:00:06,269 --> 01:00:08,355 What's going on here? 1024 01:00:08,396 --> 01:00:10,232 - Ssh! We're transmitting. - We're what? 1025 01:00:10,315 --> 01:00:11,983 Oh, are we really? 1026 01:00:12,067 --> 01:00:14,236 Are you pleased to see Miss Brentwood, Mr Wilcot? 1027 01:00:14,319 --> 01:00:17,114 - Am I pleased? - Is he pleased! 1028 01:00:17,197 --> 01:00:18,990 And how does it feel, Miss Brentwood, 1029 01:00:19,074 --> 01:00:22,202 to stand by his side in this exciting contest? 1030 01:00:22,285 --> 01:00:25,580 I was thrilled to the absolute core when he sent for me. 1031 01:00:25,664 --> 01:00:27,040 Sent for you? 1032 01:00:28,041 --> 01:00:29,876 Are you staying long? 1033 01:00:30,001 --> 01:00:32,712 - No, just... - Oh, yes, indefinitely. 1034 01:00:32,796 --> 01:00:35,507 And are you expecting an arduous campaign? 1035 01:00:35,590 --> 01:00:37,342 Oh, yes. Very arduous. 1036 01:00:37,425 --> 01:00:39,427 I see what you mean. 1037 01:00:39,511 --> 01:00:42,722 So your visit is not entirely political, Miss Brentwood? 1038 01:00:42,806 --> 01:00:44,099 Oh, no. 1039 01:00:44,182 --> 01:00:46,143 May we say definitely there is a romance? 1040 01:00:46,226 --> 01:00:48,103 What do you say, darling? 1041 01:00:48,186 --> 01:00:49,563 Well... 1042 01:00:50,564 --> 01:00:52,607 Oh, Bobby, darling! 1043 01:00:52,732 --> 01:00:54,067 - Stella. - I'm sure that'll be 1044 01:00:54,151 --> 01:00:57,195 of great interest to viewers. - How did the meeting go? 1045 01:00:57,279 --> 01:00:59,656 First class. I think I was pretty good, as a matter of fact. 1046 01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:02,534 There was a bit of heckling, but, um... 1047 01:01:02,617 --> 01:01:04,369 Oh, Bobby, darling. 1048 01:01:06,288 --> 01:01:08,290 May we expect an early announcement, sir? 1049 01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:09,624 Announcement? 1050 01:01:09,708 --> 01:01:11,126 Wedding bells. 1051 01:01:11,209 --> 01:01:13,336 Shall we wait until after the election? 1052 01:01:13,420 --> 01:01:17,007 With a victory behind these two young people, who knows? 1053 01:01:17,090 --> 01:01:19,301 Who knows, indeed! 1054 01:01:19,426 --> 01:01:23,346 And now, after that charming and romantic little surprise item, 1055 01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:25,932 it's time to say "au revoir" from Earndale. 1056 01:01:26,558 --> 01:01:29,269 Well, who put the idea into Annabel's head if you didn't? 1057 01:01:29,352 --> 01:01:31,062 Oh, dear chap, how can you suggest such a thing? 1058 01:01:31,146 --> 01:01:34,065 You told me yourself you always called her the "eager beaver". 1059 01:01:34,149 --> 01:01:36,484 Well, how did the television cameras get there, then? 1060 01:01:36,568 --> 01:01:38,570 Somebody must have tipped them off. 1061 01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:41,990 I'm gonna send her packing. 1062 01:01:42,073 --> 01:01:43,825 She hasn't finished unpacking yet. 1063 01:01:43,909 --> 01:01:45,619 All that nonsense about wedding bells. 1064 01:01:45,702 --> 01:01:48,371 There isn't any romance! I'm gonna say so publicly. 1065 01:01:48,496 --> 01:01:51,458 If you do that, you will destroy your chances in the election. 1066 01:01:51,583 --> 01:01:52,959 To blazes with the election! 1067 01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:55,629 I prefer to close my ears to that remark. 1068 01:01:56,213 --> 01:01:57,422 I must warn you, Wilcot, 1069 01:01:57,505 --> 01:01:59,549 publicly jilt that helpless, trusting girl, 1070 01:01:59,633 --> 01:02:01,760 and you'll become a social outcast. 1071 01:02:03,386 --> 01:02:06,348 Never able to appear on a panel game again. 1072 01:02:08,516 --> 01:02:09,809 The car's waiting. 1073 01:02:09,893 --> 01:02:12,312 You're already an hour behind with your programme. 1074 01:02:13,980 --> 01:02:16,608 You'll pay for this, Harding-Pratt. 1075 01:02:17,442 --> 01:02:18,652 I doubt it. 1076 01:02:29,204 --> 01:02:30,956 - Hello, Castle and Ball? - Yes? 1077 01:02:31,039 --> 01:02:33,208 Is Miss Stoker there, please? I must talk to her. 1078 01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:34,876 Who's that? 1079 01:02:35,126 --> 01:02:36,836 Bert Glimmer. 1080 01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:38,546 And make it snappy, will ya, ducks? 1081 01:02:38,672 --> 01:02:40,131 Oh, I'll try her room, Mr Glimmer. 1082 01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:44,636 Yes? 1083 01:02:44,719 --> 01:02:47,722 - I wanna talk to Miss Stoker. - Who is that? 1084 01:02:47,806 --> 01:02:48,807 Bert Glimmer. 1085 01:02:52,477 --> 01:02:53,645 What? 1086 01:02:53,687 --> 01:02:54,938 Look, put her on the line, will you, old man? 1087 01:02:55,021 --> 01:02:58,108 Sharp's the word, quick's the action, don't muck about. 1088 01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:01,987 The wee lassie's having a wee bit of rrrest 1089 01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:04,447 in her rrroom, Mr Glimmerrr. 1090 01:03:04,531 --> 01:03:06,408 Can I take a message? 1091 01:03:06,491 --> 01:03:08,118 Um... Who's that? 1092 01:03:09,077 --> 01:03:10,745 McAllister... rrr. 1093 01:03:12,455 --> 01:03:15,417 Ye ken old Arch... Errrchie McAllister? 1094 01:03:16,042 --> 01:03:19,004 Oh, yes. Hello, Archie. 1095 01:03:19,087 --> 01:03:20,505 Well, can I take a message? 1096 01:03:20,588 --> 01:03:21,881 Um... 1097 01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:25,385 Well, surely, ye can trrrust your old friend Errrchie. 1098 01:03:26,678 --> 01:03:29,306 All right, Archie. Well, listen carefully. 1099 01:03:29,556 --> 01:03:32,642 Tell Miss Stoker not to believe all she hears about the other party. 1100 01:03:32,726 --> 01:03:34,394 He's been framed. It's a put-up job. 1101 01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:42,319 - Hello, Stella. - Bill! 1102 01:03:43,028 --> 01:03:45,280 I can't tell you how glad I am to see you. 1103 01:03:45,447 --> 01:03:46,573 Hello? 1104 01:03:46,656 --> 01:03:49,159 Well, why didn't you tell me you were coming? 1105 01:03:49,451 --> 01:03:51,036 Well, it was... It was sort of short notice. 1106 01:03:51,119 --> 01:03:51,995 Hello? 1107 01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,414 What's goin' on. Did you get that, Archie? 1108 01:03:54,748 --> 01:03:56,166 Yeah, I got it all right. 1109 01:03:56,249 --> 01:03:58,418 I'll take you down to reception. They'll fix something. 1110 01:03:58,501 --> 01:04:01,087 Come on, Bill. We've just time for a cup of tea. 1111 01:04:02,714 --> 01:04:04,549 Now, you get this. 1112 01:04:04,632 --> 01:04:06,301 You'll be surprised to hear the young lady's 1113 01:04:06,384 --> 01:04:09,804 very thoroughly engaged just now with her old childhood sweetheart. 1114 01:04:09,929 --> 01:04:13,099 In fact, between you and I, I'm feeling a bit de trop meself. 1115 01:04:13,183 --> 01:04:15,727 But don't worry, your secret's safe with me. 1116 01:04:15,810 --> 01:04:18,396 Silent as the grrrave is Bert Glimmer. 1117 01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:20,607 Cheery-bye, me old cock sparrer. 1118 01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:26,696 You simply must vote for Wilcot, everybody. 1119 01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:28,323 Do vote for Bobby, 1120 01:04:28,406 --> 01:04:29,991 I mean, Wilcot. 1121 01:04:30,075 --> 01:04:31,951 Wilcot is too wonderful. 1122 01:04:32,577 --> 01:04:35,830 Wilcot is absolutely devas. 1123 01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:40,126 Are you going to vote for a... 1124 01:04:40,210 --> 01:04:42,504 TV glamour boy, a... 1125 01:04:42,587 --> 01:04:44,089 a panel puppet? 1126 01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:45,715 No! 1127 01:04:45,799 --> 01:04:47,092 Take it from me, 1128 01:04:47,217 --> 01:04:50,095 you can't trust a man like that an inch. 1129 01:04:51,554 --> 01:04:54,849 Mine's chock full of fighting spirit, H-P. How's yours? 1130 01:04:54,933 --> 01:04:57,102 "Savage" is the only word for him, Bert. 1131 01:04:57,185 --> 01:04:58,812 The boy's really getting mean. 1132 01:05:00,355 --> 01:05:05,026 I will not descend to the cheaper forms of Billingsgate abuse 1133 01:05:05,110 --> 01:05:09,197 with which Miss Stoker seems to be so very much at home. 1134 01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:11,032 But I warn her, 1135 01:05:11,116 --> 01:05:13,159 Billingsgate will boomerang! 1136 01:05:15,703 --> 01:05:19,499 With polling day only three days away, things are really hotting up. 1137 01:05:19,582 --> 01:05:21,626 The rival candidates seem to be fighting it out 1138 01:05:21,709 --> 01:05:24,003 in a spirit of bitter hostility. 1139 01:05:24,087 --> 01:05:26,881 Over now to Ronald Basingstoke at Earndale, 1140 01:05:26,965 --> 01:05:29,008 a town caught in the grip of election fever 1141 01:05:29,092 --> 01:05:31,678 as the political temperature rises to blood heat. 1142 01:05:32,137 --> 01:05:35,890 Would you like to tell the viewers what you think of this exciting election, sir? 1143 01:05:35,974 --> 01:05:37,434 Bit of a lark, ain't it? 1144 01:05:37,517 --> 01:05:39,519 And who do you think will get in? 1145 01:05:40,437 --> 01:05:42,814 Don't make no odds either way, do it? 1146 01:05:43,523 --> 01:05:45,108 Thank you, Mr Hornsby. 1147 01:05:45,191 --> 01:05:46,734 Ormsby. 1148 01:05:46,818 --> 01:05:48,736 Thank you, Mr... Ormsby. 1149 01:05:50,029 --> 01:05:52,449 Vote Conservative. Remember, 1150 01:05:52,532 --> 01:05:56,536 a vote for the Socialists is a vote for legalised robbery, 1151 01:05:56,619 --> 01:06:01,166 extortion, national extinction, and reduced profits. 1152 01:06:01,249 --> 01:06:04,544 A vote for Labour is a vote for prosperity. 1153 01:06:05,128 --> 01:06:08,006 Vote for Stoker. She's the girl for you. 1154 01:06:08,131 --> 01:06:10,842 Toryism means unemployment! 1155 01:06:10,925 --> 01:06:12,510 It means poverty! 1156 01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:14,846 It means destitution! 1157 01:06:14,929 --> 01:06:16,681 It means starvation! 1158 01:06:18,016 --> 01:06:19,934 It means despair! 1159 01:06:20,602 --> 01:06:24,063 Vote for Wilcot and keep out Stoker! 1160 01:06:27,066 --> 01:06:31,112 Vote for Stoker and keep out Wilcot! 1161 01:06:31,196 --> 01:06:33,198 Whoever you vote for, 1162 01:06:33,907 --> 01:06:39,454 celebrate the result at my grand Declaration of Poll party tomorrow night. 1163 01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:42,499 Mammoth firework display, 1164 01:06:42,582 --> 01:06:47,337 dancing on the greensward to Alf Farthingale and his Hot Six. 1165 01:06:48,755 --> 01:06:50,590 Stella's doing fine, brother. 1166 01:06:50,632 --> 01:06:52,759 Turned out to be a first-class candidate, 1167 01:06:52,842 --> 01:06:54,552 once I ironed out the headaches for her. 1168 01:07:03,353 --> 01:07:05,897 Don't worry, we'll put down the red carpet for him. 1169 01:07:05,980 --> 01:07:07,482 Bye for now. 1170 01:07:07,565 --> 01:07:08,650 Paulsen! 1171 01:07:08,775 --> 01:07:10,401 Lay on a car to pick up tonight's speaker 1172 01:07:10,485 --> 01:07:11,778 off the seven-thirty train. 1173 01:07:11,861 --> 01:07:13,613 Take him straight down to St Luke's School for the meeting. 1174 01:07:13,696 --> 01:07:14,906 Okay. 1175 01:07:15,907 --> 01:07:17,617 - Oh. - Can I have a word, Mr Glimmer? 1176 01:07:17,700 --> 01:07:19,118 Well, a little later. I've got an appointment now... 1177 01:07:19,202 --> 01:07:21,621 - Y-Yeah, but I'm worried about Stella. - Why? 1178 01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:23,081 Well... 1179 01:07:23,164 --> 01:07:25,625 - I-I-I don't know how to put it, but... - Well, come on. 1180 01:07:25,667 --> 01:07:27,961 Yeah. Well, she seems to be... 1181 01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:29,420 acting all the time. 1182 01:07:29,504 --> 01:07:32,882 Well, of course she is. She's fighting an election, isn't she? 1183 01:07:42,016 --> 01:07:43,977 Hello, Bert! I thought you weren't coming. 1184 01:07:44,102 --> 01:07:45,395 Sorry. Got held up. 1185 01:07:45,436 --> 01:07:46,688 I say! 1186 01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:50,441 Well, in view of all our trials and tribs, I thought champers was indicated. 1187 01:07:50,525 --> 01:07:51,818 Well, I'm all for a spot of inflation. 1188 01:07:51,901 --> 01:07:54,571 Just a little gesture on the eve of polling day. 1189 01:07:54,654 --> 01:07:55,989 Well, very nice too. 1190 01:07:56,072 --> 01:07:57,490 Pop goes old Romeo and Juliet. 1191 01:07:57,574 --> 01:07:58,950 And a very good thing, too. 1192 01:07:58,992 --> 01:08:00,201 Here, I'll give you a toast. 1193 01:08:00,285 --> 01:08:02,287 "A plague on both their houses." 1194 01:08:02,370 --> 01:08:04,122 With brass trimmings. 1195 01:08:05,415 --> 01:08:06,374 Not bad, hmm? 1196 01:08:08,001 --> 01:08:09,627 Nearly as good as the '47, in my opinion. 1197 01:08:09,711 --> 01:08:11,462 May the best man win! 1198 01:08:11,671 --> 01:08:12,797 Woman. 1199 01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:14,882 Well, we're not going to quarrel about genders, old man. 1200 01:08:14,966 --> 01:08:16,926 Well, I second that, old pal. 1201 01:08:17,969 --> 01:08:21,306 Now, alas, I must wend my way to the Corn Exchange for our final meeting. 1202 01:08:21,389 --> 01:08:24,267 We've got one of the party intellectuals coming down from Whitehall. 1203 01:08:24,392 --> 01:08:26,769 Same here. Big pop from Transport House. 1204 01:08:26,853 --> 01:08:28,813 I think we'd better leave separately, Bert. 1205 01:08:28,896 --> 01:08:31,316 Cheerio. See you after the poll. 1206 01:08:31,399 --> 01:08:32,692 Cheerio, old boy. 1207 01:08:36,946 --> 01:08:38,406 Good night. 1208 01:08:38,698 --> 01:08:40,199 What do you mean by following me? 1209 01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:41,951 Well, I've been thinking again, Mr Glimmer. 1210 01:08:42,035 --> 01:08:43,995 - Oh... - Well, I'm not satisfied. 1211 01:08:44,078 --> 01:08:46,080 I've known Stella since we were kids, 1212 01:08:46,164 --> 01:08:48,291 and I think there's something preying on her mind, 1213 01:08:48,374 --> 01:08:50,084 and I want to know what it is. 1214 01:08:50,168 --> 01:08:51,628 Come over here. 1215 01:08:51,919 --> 01:08:53,880 I know I should've said something to you before. 1216 01:08:53,963 --> 01:08:56,049 You don't know the sleepless nights I've had. 1217 01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:58,092 Being such a delicate matter, I... 1218 01:08:58,176 --> 01:09:01,179 don't rightly know how I'm going to tell you at all. 1219 01:09:01,387 --> 01:09:04,140 You don't mean to tell me that Stella's got herself into trouble? 1220 01:09:04,390 --> 01:09:06,267 Good gracious, no. 1221 01:09:06,351 --> 01:09:09,270 Well, I'm surprised at you. I am, really. 1222 01:09:09,437 --> 01:09:10,980 I'm sorry, Mr Glimmer. 1223 01:09:11,064 --> 01:09:13,775 However, she did have a very nasty experience. 1224 01:09:13,900 --> 01:09:16,944 - It's over and done with now. - What is? 1225 01:09:17,195 --> 01:09:19,822 Well, not to put too fine a point on it, 1226 01:09:19,906 --> 01:09:22,825 Wilcot forced his attentions on her. 1227 01:09:22,909 --> 01:09:25,620 In His Lordship's maze. 1228 01:09:25,953 --> 01:09:27,330 They got lost, and... 1229 01:09:27,413 --> 01:09:29,123 his animal passions got the better of him. 1230 01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:30,708 But he must be sixty-five! 1231 01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:33,252 He... Not Lord Wilcot, Robert! 1232 01:09:33,336 --> 01:09:35,088 - No! - Yes. 1233 01:09:35,213 --> 01:09:37,924 Fortunately, we got there in time and hushed it up. 1234 01:09:38,007 --> 01:09:39,509 "Hushed it up"? Why? 1235 01:09:39,592 --> 01:09:41,636 Well, we wouldn't want to win an election that way, would we? 1236 01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:43,012 Oh, wouldn't we? Why wouldn't we? 1237 01:09:43,096 --> 01:09:44,305 No precedent for it. 1238 01:09:45,431 --> 01:09:46,516 Oh, I see. 1239 01:09:47,016 --> 01:09:49,268 Well, she ought to have given the swine in charge. 1240 01:09:49,310 --> 01:09:52,647 She put the election first. And I hope you'll do the same, my son. 1241 01:09:52,772 --> 01:09:55,775 I know you won't say anything until it's all over. 1242 01:09:55,858 --> 01:09:57,568 Not even to Stella. 1243 01:09:57,610 --> 01:09:59,779 It's a sordid story, I grant you, but... 1244 01:09:59,862 --> 01:10:01,906 so is a great deal of Shakespeare. 1245 01:10:02,031 --> 01:10:03,741 Well, I'll see you later, young feller-me-lad. 1246 01:10:04,033 --> 01:10:07,453 You don't know the part that you played in our hour of trial. 1247 01:10:29,016 --> 01:10:30,226 - Oh, good evening. - Good evening, sir. 1248 01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:32,061 - Frightfully good attendance, isn't it? - Yes. 1249 01:10:32,145 --> 01:10:34,063 I'll be in the anteroom if you want me. 1250 01:10:38,151 --> 01:10:39,777 - Good evening. - Good evening. 1251 01:10:40,403 --> 01:10:41,654 - Good evening. - Oh, good evening. 1252 01:10:41,738 --> 01:10:43,281 Good evening, Peterson. Looks like a full house. 1253 01:10:43,364 --> 01:10:44,991 Standing room only, I shouldn't be surprised. 1254 01:10:45,116 --> 01:10:46,242 "And so, gentlemen, 1255 01:10:46,325 --> 01:10:49,871 "by this means, we may well hope to reduce the cost of living." 1256 01:10:49,954 --> 01:10:51,914 Hello, Wilcot. Word perfect. 1257 01:10:52,874 --> 01:10:56,461 I'll have you know that I definitely intend to win this election. 1258 01:10:56,961 --> 01:10:58,629 Well, that is welcome news indeed. 1259 01:10:58,713 --> 01:11:01,340 And, after that, I hope I never set eyes 1260 01:11:01,424 --> 01:11:04,051 on that smug, self-satisfied, 1261 01:11:04,135 --> 01:11:06,053 hypocritical, treacherous, 1262 01:11:06,179 --> 01:11:08,556 lying double face of yours again. 1263 01:11:09,348 --> 01:11:10,683 Where was I? 1264 01:11:10,767 --> 01:11:13,728 "Turning now to the international scone..." 1265 01:11:14,103 --> 01:11:15,605 "Turning..." 1266 01:11:15,730 --> 01:11:17,023 The what? 1267 01:11:17,648 --> 01:11:22,069 Oh, no, Annabel. Not "scone", "scene". "Scene"! 1268 01:11:22,153 --> 01:11:23,988 This isn't a cookery contest. 1269 01:11:24,071 --> 01:11:26,073 Seven-ten, Peterson. I think you'd better go down to the station 1270 01:11:26,157 --> 01:11:27,658 and collect Grimsby Armfield. 1271 01:11:27,742 --> 01:11:30,745 I don't see how I can, H-P. I've got to receive the press. 1272 01:11:30,828 --> 01:11:31,788 Well, somebody. 1273 01:11:31,871 --> 01:11:34,040 Send Annabel. A good idea. 1274 01:11:34,123 --> 01:11:36,375 Oh, yes, please. 1275 01:11:37,168 --> 01:11:40,046 I mean, meeting cabinet ministers and things. 1276 01:11:40,129 --> 01:11:42,673 Be such good practice for afterwards. 1277 01:11:42,757 --> 01:11:44,133 Oh, mind. 1278 01:11:44,258 --> 01:11:47,094 Peterson, get someone to take Miss Brentwood down to the station. 1279 01:11:47,178 --> 01:11:49,388 - All right. - Oh, thanks frightfully. 1280 01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:56,270 Curious accent that girl has. 1281 01:11:56,354 --> 01:11:58,606 Darn few consonants, no vowels at all. 1282 01:12:04,529 --> 01:12:06,572 Car, please, to meet the seven-thirty. 1283 01:12:06,989 --> 01:12:10,201 Car wanted. Mr Satterthwaite, please. 1284 01:12:19,544 --> 01:12:23,422 Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me where I could find Mr Wilcot, please? 1285 01:12:23,589 --> 01:12:25,132 Oh, he's inside, 1286 01:12:25,216 --> 01:12:27,552 in the little room by the platform. 1287 01:12:27,593 --> 01:12:29,512 Oh. Thanks very much. 1288 01:12:33,140 --> 01:12:34,559 It's a pleasure. 1289 01:12:36,143 --> 01:12:40,064 "...steady application of sound economic measures. 1290 01:12:41,148 --> 01:12:45,319 "And now, my friends, turning to the international scone..." 1291 01:12:45,403 --> 01:12:46,779 Oh, blast! 1292 01:12:49,323 --> 01:12:50,950 I want a word with you. 1293 01:12:51,993 --> 01:12:53,703 - Me? - Yes. 1294 01:13:02,503 --> 01:13:03,754 Boo! 1295 01:13:07,133 --> 01:13:09,927 Absolutely packed to the rafters. I'm sure it's going to be an abso... 1296 01:13:12,054 --> 01:13:13,514 There. 1297 01:13:20,813 --> 01:13:22,773 Mr Wilcot! 1298 01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:28,571 Excuse me. 1299 01:13:29,113 --> 01:13:32,283 - Oh, did you see Mr Wilcot? - That's right. 1300 01:13:32,366 --> 01:13:35,202 - You've cut your lip. - Oh, have I? 1301 01:13:35,328 --> 01:13:36,704 Ready, Miss Brentwood. 1302 01:13:36,829 --> 01:13:39,832 Oh, now you've smeared it all over your chin. 1303 01:13:40,166 --> 01:13:43,252 Do you mind if I just dab it a little? 1304 01:13:43,336 --> 01:13:45,212 Oh, you mustn't do that. 1305 01:13:45,755 --> 01:13:47,131 You'll spoil it. 1306 01:13:48,424 --> 01:13:50,635 Miss Brentwood, we'll be late! 1307 01:14:08,194 --> 01:14:10,529 I... I said, is it all right now? 1308 01:14:10,696 --> 01:14:12,823 It's perfectly lovely. 1309 01:14:12,949 --> 01:14:14,659 Miss Brentwood, please! 1310 01:14:15,576 --> 01:14:17,411 They... They're calling you. 1311 01:14:17,495 --> 01:14:20,373 Oh, yes, yes, I... I must go now. 1312 01:14:21,624 --> 01:14:23,918 - Thanks very much. - Thank you. 1313 01:14:50,444 --> 01:14:52,738 Well, give him air. Loosen his collar or something. 1314 01:14:52,822 --> 01:14:55,032 He's unconscious. The candidate's unconscious. 1315 01:14:55,116 --> 01:14:57,201 Well, he might have waited till he'd taken his seat in the House. 1316 01:14:57,284 --> 01:14:58,369 H-P! 1317 01:14:58,452 --> 01:15:00,413 It's seven-forty. They're getting a bit restive. 1318 01:15:00,496 --> 01:15:02,999 - Where's Grimsby Armfield? - Not here yet. 1319 01:15:03,124 --> 01:15:04,125 Train must be late. 1320 01:15:04,208 --> 01:15:06,002 Well, go outside and see if somebody's coming. 1321 01:15:06,043 --> 01:15:08,838 - All right. - Oh, look, don't bother with that now. 1322 01:15:09,005 --> 01:15:11,966 Look, get up on the platform and keep the flag flying. 1323 01:15:22,893 --> 01:15:24,729 I said we'd miss the train. 1324 01:15:25,771 --> 01:15:27,023 Over there! 1325 01:15:27,148 --> 01:15:29,608 Are you the speaker for our meeting? 1326 01:15:29,734 --> 01:15:30,943 Yes, I am. 1327 01:15:31,027 --> 01:15:34,488 Frightfully sorry we're late. Absolutely devastated. Do jump in. 1328 01:15:34,905 --> 01:15:36,407 Thank you very much. 1329 01:15:42,163 --> 01:15:44,123 I think his eyelids flickered. 1330 01:15:44,457 --> 01:15:46,959 Where the blazes is Grimsby Armfield? 1331 01:15:47,376 --> 01:15:49,295 - He's here! - Oh, thank Heaven. 1332 01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:51,172 The speaker's here. 1333 01:15:52,715 --> 01:15:55,009 What?! You're not Grimsby Armfield. 1334 01:15:55,092 --> 01:15:57,720 Of course I'm not. I'm Bray, from Labour HQ. 1335 01:15:57,803 --> 01:15:59,764 - Oh, are you? - Labour... 1336 01:15:59,889 --> 01:16:02,767 You cretin! You've met the wrong man! 1337 01:16:02,808 --> 01:16:05,936 - But isn't this St Luke's? - No! Here, take me to the station. 1338 01:16:06,020 --> 01:16:08,355 - Oh, there's nobody there. - Well, of course there is. Unless... 1339 01:16:09,440 --> 01:16:12,234 Unless Grimsby Armfield has gone to the wrong meeting. 1340 01:16:12,359 --> 01:16:13,986 Oh, no, not that! 1341 01:16:14,070 --> 01:16:15,738 St Luke's School, quick! 1342 01:16:17,239 --> 01:16:18,783 Wait for me! 1343 01:16:20,201 --> 01:16:21,869 Oh dear. 1344 01:16:24,205 --> 01:16:26,457 St Luke's School, quick, the Labour meeting! 1345 01:16:26,499 --> 01:16:28,501 Here, get in. Oh, come along, old man. 1346 01:16:31,378 --> 01:16:34,548 Faster! Can't you go any faster? 1347 01:16:36,008 --> 01:16:38,219 Stop! Here we are. 1348 01:16:40,638 --> 01:16:44,809 Our policy, my friends, is your policy. 1349 01:16:44,934 --> 01:16:48,270 A Britain where social justice prevails, 1350 01:16:48,354 --> 01:16:50,523 where each has his opportunity, 1351 01:16:50,606 --> 01:16:52,858 and the old-age pensioners are not forgotten. 1352 01:16:52,942 --> 01:16:54,527 - It's Armfield! - Speaking! 1353 01:16:54,568 --> 01:16:56,529 I tell you, my friends, 1354 01:16:56,612 --> 01:16:58,864 if we keep these aims in mind... 1355 01:16:58,948 --> 01:17:01,075 He can't have joined the Labour Party in that time. 1356 01:17:01,158 --> 01:17:02,535 Fool. 1357 01:17:03,828 --> 01:17:06,080 Come on, Egerton. Rescue party. 1358 01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:08,666 ...our promised land. 1359 01:17:11,377 --> 01:17:13,671 - He's spoken. - Car, car! 1360 01:17:14,839 --> 01:17:16,298 He's finished. 1361 01:17:20,344 --> 01:17:22,721 - Well, that was a splendid speech, sir. - Thank you. 1362 01:17:22,805 --> 01:17:25,391 I'm sorry you've got to push off, but thanks very much for coming down. 1363 01:17:25,558 --> 01:17:27,852 - It's been a pleasure, Mr Harding-Pratt. - I... 1364 01:17:28,519 --> 01:17:29,687 What? 1365 01:17:33,399 --> 01:17:34,733 Oh! 1366 01:17:35,776 --> 01:17:37,903 Back to the Corn Exchange, hurry! 1367 01:17:38,028 --> 01:17:43,951 A Britain where social justice prevails, where each has his opportunity, 1368 01:17:44,034 --> 01:17:46,245 and the old-age pensioners are not forgotten. 1369 01:17:46,704 --> 01:17:48,914 I tell you, my friends, 1370 01:17:48,998 --> 01:17:50,791 if we keep these aims in mind, 1371 01:17:50,916 --> 01:17:54,879 under Providence we shall never doubt it. 1372 01:17:55,087 --> 01:17:58,632 Gain our haven, our harbourage, 1373 01:17:59,383 --> 01:18:02,178 our promised land. 1374 01:18:04,763 --> 01:18:08,184 Thank you. Thank you, Mr Armfield. 1375 01:18:08,392 --> 01:18:09,643 Thank you 1376 01:18:09,727 --> 01:18:14,315 for a brilliant, thought-provoking, and highly original speech. 1377 01:18:15,065 --> 01:18:18,694 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I call upon your candidate, 1378 01:18:19,111 --> 01:18:23,449 that fine, dynamic, upstanding young personality, 1379 01:18:23,574 --> 01:18:24,950 Robert Wilcot! 1380 01:18:30,581 --> 01:18:32,416 This way, gentlemen, please. 1381 01:18:34,043 --> 01:18:36,003 - Take Mr Wilcot up to his room. - Right. 1382 01:18:38,756 --> 01:18:39,924 What's the trouble, exactly? 1383 01:18:39,965 --> 01:18:43,344 Oh, nothing serious. Just a slight recurrence of his old Antarctic sickness. 1384 01:18:43,427 --> 01:18:44,595 - Antarctic sickness? - Yes. 1385 01:18:44,678 --> 01:18:47,765 Same sort of thing as snow blindness but it affects the middle ear. 1386 01:18:47,848 --> 01:18:49,892 He'll be as right as rain in the morning. 1387 01:18:49,934 --> 01:18:51,101 I hope... 1388 01:18:51,185 --> 01:18:54,772 Hello, everybody. This is Stella Stoker, 1389 01:18:54,813 --> 01:18:56,815 your Labour candidate, 1390 01:18:56,899 --> 01:19:00,194 making a last appeal for your votes. 1391 01:19:01,028 --> 01:19:03,197 Don't stay home tomorrow. 1392 01:19:03,530 --> 01:19:05,658 Come out in your thousands 1393 01:19:05,741 --> 01:19:07,409 and vote for me, 1394 01:19:07,534 --> 01:19:10,496 the only professional candidate. 1395 01:19:10,746 --> 01:19:12,039 Vote for Stoker. 1396 01:19:12,122 --> 01:19:13,249 Stella. 1397 01:19:13,332 --> 01:19:14,917 And keep out the Tory. 1398 01:19:14,959 --> 01:19:17,461 Well, I shall have to tell her about us. 1399 01:19:17,628 --> 01:19:19,630 I don't know how I shall tell Robert. 1400 01:19:19,713 --> 01:19:21,507 He'll be utterly shattered. 1401 01:19:21,548 --> 01:19:24,677 But, well... We must. I mean, it's only right. 1402 01:19:24,843 --> 01:19:26,637 Oh, Bill. 1403 01:19:26,679 --> 01:19:30,182 - Well. Here... Here goes. - Hello, everybody. This is Stella Stoker, 1404 01:19:30,266 --> 01:19:32,559 your professional parliamentary candidate 1405 01:19:32,643 --> 01:19:34,853 making a last appeal for your votes. 1406 01:19:34,979 --> 01:19:36,188 Don't stay at home. 1407 01:19:36,272 --> 01:19:38,148 - Come out and vote. - Stella! Stella! 1408 01:19:38,274 --> 01:19:39,608 Stella. 1409 01:19:39,692 --> 01:19:41,193 Where have you been all this time? 1410 01:19:41,277 --> 01:19:42,486 Look, I've got something to tell you. 1411 01:19:42,569 --> 01:19:43,946 Well, I'm busy. Can't you see? 1412 01:19:44,029 --> 01:19:45,698 Look, you've got to listen. Please listen. 1413 01:19:45,781 --> 01:19:48,534 When I got the truth out of old Glimmer, well, I... 1414 01:19:48,617 --> 01:19:49,743 I sort of saw red, see. 1415 01:19:49,868 --> 01:19:51,412 What are you talking about? 1416 01:19:51,453 --> 01:19:53,789 Well, I'm just trying to tell you how we met. 1417 01:19:53,872 --> 01:19:56,208 - I went round to knock his block off... - Whose block? 1418 01:19:56,292 --> 01:19:58,585 Well, the Tory bloke, what's his name, Wilcot. 1419 01:19:58,669 --> 01:20:01,046 - And then when I was coming out after... - After what? 1420 01:20:01,130 --> 01:20:03,674 Well, after I clocked him. And there she was, Stella... 1421 01:20:03,757 --> 01:20:05,050 You hit him? 1422 01:20:05,134 --> 01:20:06,343 Yeah, I knocked him cold. 1423 01:20:06,427 --> 01:20:08,178 - But did you hurt him? - But, Stella, what I'm trying to... 1424 01:20:08,304 --> 01:20:10,180 Well, who cares! Look, Stella, 1425 01:20:10,264 --> 01:20:11,432 - I was coming out of the... - Where is he now? 1426 01:20:11,473 --> 01:20:13,600 I don't know, Stella. They carried him back to his hotel. 1427 01:20:13,684 --> 01:20:16,603 Carried him? How dare you! 1428 01:20:16,729 --> 01:20:19,356 Who told you to interfere, you thug? 1429 01:20:19,440 --> 01:20:21,358 You might have killed him! 1430 01:20:21,442 --> 01:20:24,028 Oh, you're just a great big ape! 1431 01:20:27,239 --> 01:20:28,657 Stella! 1432 01:20:29,783 --> 01:20:31,368 Stella! 1433 01:20:31,618 --> 01:20:33,495 Quite comfy, Bobby, dear? 1434 01:20:34,913 --> 01:20:36,999 - You sure you're all right? - Yes, I'm all right. 1435 01:20:37,082 --> 01:20:39,084 - Here, knock this back. - Oh. 1436 01:20:39,626 --> 01:20:43,172 I'll just have a word with H-P. See if the press have gone. 1437 01:20:47,217 --> 01:20:49,428 I've got something to tell you, Bobby, dear. 1438 01:20:51,180 --> 01:20:54,808 I'm afraid it's going to be an absolutely frightful blow. 1439 01:20:54,933 --> 01:20:57,561 I do hope you won't do something too desperate. 1440 01:20:57,853 --> 01:20:59,438 Desperate? Why? What's the matter? 1441 01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:02,733 I've met someone else. 1442 01:21:04,485 --> 01:21:05,861 No! 1443 01:21:14,328 --> 01:21:19,208 His name's Bill Hemingway and he's a muscle builder. 1444 01:21:19,291 --> 01:21:21,794 You know, you cut him on the lip. 1445 01:21:21,919 --> 01:21:23,504 What, him?! 1446 01:21:23,587 --> 01:21:27,174 Yes, we were both absolutely bowled over. 1447 01:21:27,257 --> 01:21:30,302 Annabel, does he feel the same way about you? 1448 01:21:30,386 --> 01:21:33,263 Oh, yes. Utterly. 1449 01:21:33,597 --> 01:21:35,307 Annabel! 1450 01:21:39,937 --> 01:21:41,438 Stella! 1451 01:21:42,689 --> 01:21:43,982 Stella! 1452 01:21:44,608 --> 01:21:46,068 Stella! 1453 01:21:47,569 --> 01:21:48,904 Stella. 1454 01:21:49,154 --> 01:21:50,739 S-Stella. 1455 01:21:50,823 --> 01:21:52,908 I thought you said he was seriously injured! 1456 01:21:52,991 --> 01:21:54,076 Stella! 1457 01:21:54,868 --> 01:21:56,245 Stella! 1458 01:22:09,049 --> 01:22:10,843 What are you doing here? Get out! 1459 01:22:13,679 --> 01:22:15,806 - Wilcot! - Stella! 1460 01:22:16,223 --> 01:22:18,142 Blimey, he's kidnapped her! 1461 01:22:45,919 --> 01:22:47,838 But she admits she loves me. 1462 01:22:47,921 --> 01:22:49,882 Well, don't think I'm proud of it. 1463 01:22:49,923 --> 01:22:52,176 I'm disgusted with myself and I'm determined 1464 01:22:52,259 --> 01:22:54,136 to trample the beastly thing underfoot. 1465 01:22:54,219 --> 01:22:56,180 Anybody would think I was a monster. 1466 01:22:56,263 --> 01:22:58,223 No, only a Tory. 1467 01:22:58,348 --> 01:23:01,226 Oh, Stella, darling. Listen, please! 1468 01:23:01,477 --> 01:23:04,813 Tonight, this whole thing will be over no matter which one of us wins. 1469 01:23:04,897 --> 01:23:06,356 Well, if you win, 1470 01:23:06,440 --> 01:23:09,568 do you think I'd dream of marrying a Conservative MP? 1471 01:23:09,651 --> 01:23:12,779 I know it is not very likely, but... well, supposing you won? 1472 01:23:12,863 --> 01:23:14,406 Well, of course I'll win. 1473 01:23:14,531 --> 01:23:17,075 Then what the devil have you been arguing about all night? 1474 01:23:17,159 --> 01:23:18,785 The point is, if I win, 1475 01:23:18,911 --> 01:23:21,788 I intend to devote myself entirely to politics. 1476 01:23:21,914 --> 01:23:23,999 Pshaw and taradiddle. 1477 01:23:24,082 --> 01:23:25,626 I mean it. 1478 01:23:25,709 --> 01:23:27,127 Oh, Stella. 1479 01:23:27,211 --> 01:23:29,296 I couldn't bear to think of you wasting yourself, 1480 01:23:29,379 --> 01:23:31,632 day after day, on six hundred MPs. 1481 01:23:31,673 --> 01:23:33,759 Don't worry. Most of them won't be there. 1482 01:23:34,301 --> 01:23:37,930 You'd have to find some cause to devote yourself to, I mean... 1483 01:23:38,013 --> 01:23:40,807 - a really worthwhile one. - But I have. 1484 01:23:41,391 --> 01:23:42,684 Stella Stoker. 1485 01:23:42,809 --> 01:23:44,311 But she's a red menace. 1486 01:23:44,436 --> 01:23:46,021 - Your chairman said so. - No, she's not. 1487 01:23:46,104 --> 01:23:48,357 She's my favourite shade of parlour pink. 1488 01:23:49,525 --> 01:23:51,818 It doesn't go with Tory blue, Robert. 1489 01:23:52,277 --> 01:23:54,905 Look, before you go through all the colours of the spectrum, 1490 01:23:54,988 --> 01:23:58,242 may I say that I find this conversation frankly nauseating? 1491 01:24:00,452 --> 01:24:01,495 Well... 1492 01:24:01,578 --> 01:24:02,996 Goodbye, Robert. 1493 01:24:04,289 --> 01:24:05,749 I'll always remember you. 1494 01:24:05,832 --> 01:24:07,584 I don't want to be remembered. 1495 01:24:07,668 --> 01:24:10,003 I want to spend the rest of my life with you! 1496 01:24:11,838 --> 01:24:13,924 Better let her leave first. 1497 01:24:14,007 --> 01:24:16,426 Besides, you can't go back in that dressing gown. 1498 01:24:16,552 --> 01:24:18,720 The British voter will never go for that Noël Coward stuff. 1499 01:24:18,804 --> 01:24:20,973 I shall never be able to get her out of my mind, Uncle. 1500 01:24:21,056 --> 01:24:23,433 Oh, don't give up entirely, my boy. 1501 01:24:23,559 --> 01:24:24,434 She wavered. 1502 01:24:24,560 --> 01:24:26,478 She distinctly wavered. 1503 01:24:26,562 --> 01:24:29,398 And, looking on the bright side, you may not win the election. 1504 01:24:29,481 --> 01:24:32,025 Nothing in life is certain. 1505 01:24:32,109 --> 01:24:35,487 And Providence sometimes uses the most unexpected devices 1506 01:24:35,571 --> 01:24:36,947 to achieve her ends. 1507 01:24:36,989 --> 01:24:38,740 Well, one thing is certain. 1508 01:24:39,366 --> 01:24:41,076 If I win... 1509 01:24:41,868 --> 01:24:43,287 I lose. 1510 01:24:55,799 --> 01:24:56,883 Stella! 1511 01:24:57,009 --> 01:24:58,552 Thank goodness. Where have you been? 1512 01:24:58,594 --> 01:25:00,304 What's happened? We've been searching all around the... 1513 01:25:00,429 --> 01:25:03,307 I didn't expect to find you asleep on polling day, Glimmer. 1514 01:25:03,348 --> 01:25:05,559 There must be a hundred things to do. 1515 01:25:05,642 --> 01:25:08,562 Isn't it time you started to do some of them? 1516 01:25:18,447 --> 01:25:20,157 Sixteen, please. 1517 01:25:21,450 --> 01:25:23,493 Wilcot, so you're back! 1518 01:25:23,619 --> 01:25:26,622 - Where the devil have you been? - Fishing. 1519 01:25:26,663 --> 01:25:30,584 We've been scouring the countryside all night. I haven't slept a wink. 1520 01:25:30,667 --> 01:25:33,795 That is the best bit of news I've heard for years. 1521 01:25:38,967 --> 01:25:40,510 Not bad, Hardy. 1522 01:25:40,594 --> 01:25:43,597 Nature obviously intended me for a signwriter. 1523 01:25:48,727 --> 01:25:50,354 Oh, no. Halt! 1524 01:25:50,562 --> 01:25:53,023 Up with it, Hardy! Up, up, up! 1525 01:25:58,153 --> 01:26:00,072 - Look out, sir! - Splint... 1526 01:26:04,451 --> 01:26:05,994 Are you all right, sir? 1527 01:26:07,079 --> 01:26:08,413 No. 1528 01:26:08,955 --> 01:26:10,624 No, blast it, I'm not. 1529 01:26:11,041 --> 01:26:12,959 No, no, no. Better not move me. 1530 01:26:13,669 --> 01:26:15,837 I think this is a case for the vet. 1531 01:26:16,296 --> 01:26:17,506 Call Dr Rushall. 1532 01:26:20,592 --> 01:26:24,429 Voting in the by-election is in full swing at Earndale. 1533 01:26:24,680 --> 01:26:28,225 At midnight, the result will be declared from the Earndale town hall. 1534 01:26:28,684 --> 01:26:30,769 Which of them will win? 1535 01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:49,830 - How's it going? - Neck and neck, I think. 1536 01:26:49,913 --> 01:26:51,623 I'm afraid you can't smoke here. 1537 01:26:58,588 --> 01:26:59,923 Evening, Wilcot. 1538 01:27:00,006 --> 01:27:02,008 - Evening, Mr Pottle. - Ssh! 1539 01:27:24,364 --> 01:27:26,616 Can you both come up here, please? 1540 01:27:29,911 --> 01:27:32,789 There's a margin of just twenty-four votes in Wilcot's favour. 1541 01:27:33,582 --> 01:27:35,333 - We'd like a recount. - Yes, sir. 1542 01:27:37,335 --> 01:27:39,755 We have a majority of twenty-four on the first counts. 1543 01:27:39,838 --> 01:27:42,507 Splendid! They'll be frying tonight! 1544 01:27:42,716 --> 01:27:44,092 They've asked for a recount, of course. 1545 01:27:44,217 --> 01:27:46,428 - Oh, yes, of course. - Oh, good. 1546 01:27:46,511 --> 01:27:48,597 Oh, really? 1547 01:27:48,764 --> 01:27:50,056 Well done! 1548 01:27:50,140 --> 01:27:52,267 Well, it's not over yet, you know. There's always the recount. 1549 01:27:52,350 --> 01:27:54,144 Don't forget the recount. 1550 01:28:03,987 --> 01:28:06,448 Mr Glimmer. Mr Harding-Pratt. 1551 01:28:11,286 --> 01:28:13,163 Well, that's ten thousand, three hundred and eighteen, 1552 01:28:13,246 --> 01:28:14,956 we've got ten thousand three hundred and twenty... 1553 01:28:15,248 --> 01:28:17,417 Margin of ten votes in Miss Stoker's favour. 1554 01:28:17,959 --> 01:28:20,545 - We'd like a recount, please. - Yes, sir. 1555 01:28:25,133 --> 01:28:28,303 I'm afraid it's gone the other way this time. Majority of ten in her favour. 1556 01:28:28,386 --> 01:28:30,555 - Oh dear. - That's bad. 1557 01:28:30,680 --> 01:28:32,432 Well, we've asked for a recount, of course. 1558 01:28:32,516 --> 01:28:34,559 Oh, is that absolutely necessary? 1559 01:28:34,643 --> 01:28:36,102 Of course! 1560 01:28:52,786 --> 01:28:54,663 I, John Bates, 1561 01:28:54,913 --> 01:28:57,624 being the returning officer at the election 1562 01:28:57,707 --> 01:29:00,210 for the constituency of Earndale, 1563 01:29:00,293 --> 01:29:04,756 hereby declare the number of votes recorded for each candidate 1564 01:29:05,006 --> 01:29:08,385 after no fewer than four recounts. 1565 01:29:10,262 --> 01:29:11,805 Wilcot... 1566 01:29:11,930 --> 01:29:14,558 ten thousand, three hundred and twenty-three. 1567 01:29:17,102 --> 01:29:18,395 Stoker... 1568 01:29:18,520 --> 01:29:20,856 ten thousand three hundred and one. 1569 01:29:24,276 --> 01:29:26,820 Majority, twenty-two. 1570 01:29:28,864 --> 01:29:33,743 Electors of Earndale, I present to you your new member, Robert Wilcot. 1571 01:29:33,994 --> 01:29:36,663 Congratulations, Mr Wilcot. 1572 01:29:43,879 --> 01:29:45,797 Tell them they've made you a very happy man. 1573 01:29:45,881 --> 01:29:47,048 What? 1574 01:29:47,549 --> 01:29:49,009 Oh, yes. Um... 1575 01:29:49,092 --> 01:29:51,720 You have made me a very happy man. 1576 01:29:53,763 --> 01:29:58,310 And I would just like to thank all my helpers and my supporters 1577 01:29:58,393 --> 01:30:01,229 for putting me where I am tonight. 1578 01:30:02,856 --> 01:30:05,609 My success was entirely due to them. 1579 01:30:06,776 --> 01:30:07,861 He's right there. 1580 01:30:07,944 --> 01:30:11,114 Well, it's all over now, Bert. Pity one side had to get the chopper. 1581 01:30:11,197 --> 01:30:12,824 Oh, no hard feelings, old pal. 1582 01:30:13,199 --> 01:30:15,201 And now, the gallant loser. 1583 01:30:19,080 --> 01:30:20,540 Well... 1584 01:30:20,999 --> 01:30:22,417 I've lost. 1585 01:30:23,418 --> 01:30:24,544 As it was, well... 1586 01:30:24,669 --> 01:30:26,463 someone had to win, 1587 01:30:26,546 --> 01:30:30,133 and I sincerely congratulate my Conservative opponent. 1588 01:30:33,511 --> 01:30:36,306 Well, now it's all over, Bert, how about a drink? 1589 01:30:36,389 --> 01:30:39,309 - I can hardly wait, old pal. - Come along, old man. Here we go. 1590 01:30:41,019 --> 01:30:43,146 Congratulations, Mr Wilcot. 1591 01:30:47,734 --> 01:30:51,488 - I'm sorry it had to end like this. - So am I. 1592 01:30:51,947 --> 01:30:54,574 Because I haven't won, really. 1593 01:30:54,699 --> 01:30:55,784 I've lost. 1594 01:31:07,087 --> 01:31:08,380 Darling Robert. 1595 01:31:09,631 --> 01:31:12,676 Stella. Oh, Stella, my dear. 1596 01:31:12,884 --> 01:31:14,844 MAN: Oh, I say! 1597 01:31:31,569 --> 01:31:33,989 - Mr Harding-Pratt, sir. - Yes? 1598 01:31:34,072 --> 01:31:35,448 I've got some terrible news, sir. 1599 01:31:35,532 --> 01:31:36,741 I know, we're watching it. 1600 01:31:36,825 --> 01:31:38,702 I must tell Mr Robert, sir. 1601 01:31:38,743 --> 01:31:40,662 His uncle has passed away. 1602 01:31:40,745 --> 01:31:42,288 Oh, no, he hasn't! 1603 01:31:42,414 --> 01:31:44,124 I've come to inform Mr Robert 1604 01:31:44,249 --> 01:31:47,043 that he's been Lord Wilcot since ten forty-eight. 1605 01:31:56,302 --> 01:31:57,804 Glimmer, do you realise what this means? 1606 01:31:57,887 --> 01:31:59,514 He'll never be able to take his seat. 1607 01:31:59,597 --> 01:32:02,267 He'll go straight to the House of Lords. The election's no go. 1608 01:32:02,308 --> 01:32:05,395 We'll have to fight the whole blasted campaign all over again. 1609 01:32:07,731 --> 01:32:08,857 And I thought we fixed 'em. 1610 01:32:08,898 --> 01:32:11,192 Oh, we fixed 'em all right. Pity we didn't leave 'em alone. 1611 01:32:11,276 --> 01:32:12,819 Well, it was your idea, old man. 1612 01:32:12,902 --> 01:32:14,988 Who telephoned me in the first place? 1613 01:32:15,071 --> 01:32:17,323 Are you trying to pin the blame on me? 1614 01:32:17,449 --> 01:32:19,367 Glimmer, are you trying to wriggle out of this? 1615 01:32:19,451 --> 01:32:22,787 Oh, now listen, just because you mucked the whole thing up like a proper Charlie. 1616 01:32:22,912 --> 01:32:25,165 You appalling little squirt! 1617 01:32:25,582 --> 01:32:27,167 Take the hot potato out of your mouth. 1618 01:32:27,208 --> 01:32:29,294 Try and talk like a normal human being. 1619 01:32:29,377 --> 01:32:31,838 I've always thought of you as a flashy little counter-jumper 1620 01:32:31,921 --> 01:32:33,131 and by gad, I was right. 1621 01:32:33,214 --> 01:32:36,051 You're crude, Glimmer, helplessly, painfully crude! 1622 01:32:36,134 --> 01:32:37,802 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! 1623 01:32:37,886 --> 01:32:41,306 Harding-Pratt? Whoa, what a name, what a face! 1624 01:32:41,389 --> 01:32:43,058 - You oaf! - You drip! 1625 01:32:43,141 --> 01:32:45,435 - You... lout! - Oh! Go on... 1626 01:32:45,518 --> 01:32:47,562 - Don't speak to me like that! - Now, just wait a minute, son. 1627 01:32:47,645 --> 01:32:49,105 No! Here, don't... 1628 01:32:49,230 --> 01:32:50,356 No, you won't. 1629 01:32:50,440 --> 01:32:52,609 Get out! 118913

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