All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.2011.S04E18.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-pcsyndicate

"LAST MAN STANDING"

IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF
A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

JUST GOING AWAY
FOR THE WEEKEND, HONEY.

DO YOU HAVE TO
PACK ALL YOUR ANVILS?

MAN! A SUITE
AT THE FOUR SEASONS?

THIS IS SOME ANNIVERSARY PRESENT
ED GOT YOU GUYS.

HE KNOWS WHEN
MY BIRTHDAY IS, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW THE BEST THING ABOUT
GOING TO VAIL DURING SKI SEASON?

NO CROWDS.

MANDY.
YES.

HONEY, THERE IS A PAN OF ZITI
IN THE FRIDGE

FOR DINNER
WHEN EVE GETS HOME --

350 FOR AN HOUR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE US FOOD.
I KNOW HOW TO COOK.

WHAT DOES "350" MEAN?

THAT'S WHAT ZITI GETS PAID
PER HOUR, SO EAT FAST.

WE GOT TO HUSTLE.
THEY SAY THE ROADS
ARE GETTING BAD.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

AND PLEASE JUST REMEMBER
TO WALK MUFFIN

SO HE CAN DO HIS BUSINESS.

I THOUGHT
WE GOT HIM FIXED.

THAT'S NOT
THE PART WE HAD FIXED.

OH, MOM, THE WEBSITE SAYS
THAT THERE'S AN INDOOR POOL.

IF YOU WANT,
YOU CAN BORROW THE BATHING SUIT

I GOT FOR SPRING BREAK --

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE ROOM
FOR IT IN YOUR SUITCASE.

[ Chuckling ] OH, YEAH,
I HAVE SEEN THAT BATHING SUIT,

AND THERE IS ROOM FOR IT
IN MY WALLET.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR SISTER.

YOU'RE IN CHARGE
OF THE HOUSE.
[ SIGHS ]

I KNOW YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH.
I DON'T NEED TO SAY THIS.

BUT, UH, YEAH,
GOODBYE, HOUSE.

WHEW.
THAT'S NOT MY POINT.

MY POINT IS CLOSING THE HIGHWAY
IN COLORADO BECAUSE OF SNOW

IS LIKE CLOSING CALIFORNIA

BECAUSE THEY'RE WRONG
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM GLAD
THEY TURNED US BACK.

I MEAN, WE SAW THREE CARS
SPIN OUT AND A TRUCK JACKKNIFE.

I'M NOT SAYING
IT WASN'T EXCITING.
AW, JUST...

WHY DOES OUR HOUSE
LOOK LIKE

THE GREENROOM
OF "GOOD MORNING, DENVER"?

HEY!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

MANDY, YOU --
YOU THREW US A PARTY.

[ Singsong voice ]
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

HOW DID YOU KNOW
WE WERE COMING BACK?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I GOT IT.

YOU HEARD THAT THE FOUR SEASONS
BURNED DOWN.

YES.

I SAW THAT ON THE NEWS,
YOU GUYS.

OH, MY GOD.

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS,

"THIS IS TOTALLY GONNA WRECK
MOM AND DAD'S ANNIVERSARY."

THEN I WAS LIKE,
"NOT ON MY WATCH."

SO...

...HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

THE FOUR SEASONS
DID NOT BURN DOWN.

IT'S AN ANNIVERSARY
MIRACLE!

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
A LITTLE PARTY, HUH?

NO.
[ CHUCKLES ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
I'M GONNA GET THAT.

PROBABLY JUST SOME LOST PEOPLE
WHO ARE CARRYING PRETZELS.

PLEASE MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.
MOVE IT.

OKAY.

HEY!
HEY!

AND YOU BROUGHT BEER?

YEAH,
IT'S FOR THE PARTY.

OH, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
COOL DADS, HUH?

[ LAUGHS MOCKINGLY ]
NO.

AW, MANDY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED.

SO AM I.
WHAT IS FAT BASTARD ALE?

-- Captions by VITAC --

IT WAS JUST A PARTY.

I DIDN'T THINK
IT WAS THAT BIG A DEAL.

WITH UNDERAGE KIDS,
LIQUOR, AND MY GUNS?

THIS IS HOW THE ALAMO
GOT STARTED.

HEY, HEY, SOME KID
COULD'VE LEFT HERE DRUNK

AND WRAPPED HIS CAR
AROUND A TREE.

WE'D BE LIABLE FOR THAT.

AND TO DO ALL THIS WITH YOUR
LITTLE SISTER IN THE HOUSE --

MANDY, THE ONE THING
WE ASKED YOU TO DO

WAS TO TAKE CARE OF EVE.

YOU ASKED ME TO DO
A LOT OF THINGS.

I DID SOME OF THEM.

I GAVE THE DOG ZITI
EXACTLY AT 3:50.

UH...WHAT HAPPENED?

I THOUGHT
YOU GUYS WERE GOING TO VAIL.

THE HOTEL BURNED DOWN --
BUT NOT REALLY.

THEY CLOSED I-70.

LOOK, DID YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT MANDY'S PARTY?

WHAT?

[ Chuckling ]
YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE I WOULD INVITE HER
TO MY PARTY.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

IF THOSE ARE
MORE OF YOUR FRIENDS,

LET'S JUST HOPE THEY HAVE
A BEER THAT I RECOGNIZE.

[ Chuckling ] HEY.

DETECTIVE MIKE BAXTER.

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS
FOR YOU ALL.

I WANT YOU TO GO TEXT
ALL YOUR FRIENDS

AND TELL THEM
THE PARTY'S OFF

AND THEN COME BACK DOWN HERE
AND CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

OKAY.
AND WATCH MUFFIN.

IF HE STARTS DOING CIRCLES,

THAT ZITI'S LOOKING
FOR A WAY OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THANK GOD
THAT HIGHWAY GOT SNOWED OUT.

'CAUSE WE'RE HERE
YELLING AT OUR KIDS

RATHER THAN BEING RUBBED DOWN
BY SOME CROATIAN WOMAN

IN A FOUR-STAR HOTEL.

DID YOU BUY
ALL THAT STUFF WITH EVE?

SHE KNEW ABOUT THIS PARTY.

I GUESS WE CAN'T COUNT ON EVE
TO TELL ON HER SISTERS ANYMORE.

RIGHT.

WE'LL HAVE TO ADOPT A NEW KID
TO SPY ON THEM.

I WONDER WHAT RUSSIAN BABIES
GO FOR THESE DAYS.

YOU KNOW,
MANDY'S GOT TO BE PUNISHED.

SHE'S NOT GONNA BE 21
FOR ANOTHER TWO WHOLE MONTHS.

WHAT IS THE RUSH
TO START DRINKING, ANYWAY?

BOY.

NO WONDER
THIS BASTARD GOT FAT.

SO, THIS WILL BE
A LOW WALL

BETWEEN THE RESTAURANT
AND THE SHOPPING AREA.
I GOTCHA. OKAY.

WE WILL LET THE CUSTOMERS
SEE HOW GOOD THE FOOD LOOKS,

AND THAT WILL
DRAW THEM IN.

WHAT IF THE FOOD
LOOKS TERRIBLE?

WON'T THAT HAVE
THE OPPOSITE EFFECT?

UH...LET ME SEE.
HOW CAN I FIX THAT?

OH, I KNOW --
THE FOOD WON'T LOOK TERRIBLE.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'M JUST HERE
TO ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS.

THAT'S MY JOB.
BUT THEY
HAVE TO BE REASONABLE.

WHAT IF A METEOR
HIT THE RESTAURANT?

WELL, THEN YOUR LOW WALLS

WILL OFFER
NO PROTECTION WHATSOEVER.

I'M JUST BUSTING YOUR CHOPS,
KRISTIN --

ASSUMING
GIRLS HAVE CHOPS.

YOUR DAD WAS RIGHT
TO BRING YOU IN ON THIS.

YOU'RE TOP-NOTCH.

THANK YOU.

SPEAKING OF MY DAD...
[CHUCKLES]

THAT WAS QUITE THE EXTRAVAGANT
ANNIVERSARY PRESENT

YOU GOT MY PARENTS.

WELL, AFTER 10 YEARS,

IT'S SAFE TO SPEND
BIG BUCKS ON A GIFT.

BEFORE THAT,
YOU GIVE CHEAP STUFF

THEY CAN SPLIT UP
WHEN THEY DO.

YOU REALIZE
I'M GETTING MARRIED IN A MONTH?

NUMBERS DON'T LIE.

BEFORE THE 10-YEAR ANNIVERSARY,
YOU KNOW,

50% OF MARRIAGES
END IN DIVORCE.

ACTUALLY,
I HEARD THAT IS A MYTH.

NO, BIGFOOT IS A MYTH,
AND IF IT'S NOT,

THERE ARE 10 BIGFOOTS
AND 5 HAVE BEEN DIVORCED.

SO, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE SAYING
THAT MY MARRIAGE TO RYAN

HAS A 50% CHANCE
OF LASTING 10 YEARS?

NO, I'M SAYING
THAT YOUR GIFT

WILL BE SOMETHING
EASILY DIVISIBLE BY TWO.

[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]

HELLO.

HEY.
WHAT'S YOUR SCAM?

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

I'M NOT UP TO ANYTHING.

I'M JUST SITTING HERE
SLINGING BIRDS AT PIGS.

[ GROANS ] COME ON.
YOU MUST WANT SOMETHING FROM ME.

OTHERWISE,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE PRETENDED

IT WAS YOUR PARTY
WHEN IT WAS MINE.

YOU...
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE
COVERING FOR ME LIKE THIS.

MOM AND DAD
ARE REALLY PISSED.

YEAH,
BUT NOT SURPRISED.

YOU KNOW, THEY EXPECT
STUFF LIKE THIS FROM ME.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,

YOU'RE THE LITTLE GOOSE
THAT POOPS THE GOLDEN EGGS.

A GOOSE DOES NOT POOP EGGS.

REALLY?

AFTER MY NICE GESTURE,

YOU'RE GONNA GET
ALL BIOLOGY ON ME HERE?

AND HONESTLY,
SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE?

YOU'VE RATTED ME OUT TO THEM
LIKE A MILLION TIMES.

YEAH, AND THIS WAS
A PERFECT CHANCE

FOR YOU
TO GET BACK AT ME.

WELL, MAYBE
I'M JUST THE BETTER SISTER.

WE ALL KNOW
THAT'S NOT IT.

LOOK, KRISTIN'S
COVERED FOR ME BEFORE,

I'VE COVERED FOR HER.

IT'S JUST WHAT SISTERS
ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

WELL, THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

IF KRISTIN LISTENED
TO ME,

MOM AND DAD STILL WOULDN'T KNOW
SHE HAS A KID.

LOOKS LIKE
OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER'S

GONNA BE COLD ZITI
AND CELERY STICKS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THE ZITI
AND A ROLAIDS.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
ABOUT MANDY? YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, HER -- HER PUNISHMENT
HAS TO BE SOMETHING BIG.

A BOAT.

SHE'D HATE IT
IF I GOT A BOAT OUT OF THIS.

WHAT ABOUT
HER SPRING-BREAK TRIP?

I THINK
WE SHOULD CANCEL THAT.

OH,
THAT'S KIND OF CRUEL.

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD
TO HER BEING GONE FOR A WHILE.

IF WE CAN'T TRUST HER JUDGMENT
WHEN SHE'S HOME,

WHO KNOWS
WHAT SHE'S GONNA DO IN CANCúN

IN A WALLET-SIZE BIKINI?

YOU KNOW,
IF I HAD A BOAT,

I COULD, YOU KNOW,
WATCH HER FROM THE BOAT.

BABY, COME ON.
SHE'S ALMOST 21.

I REALLY DON'T SEE
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE.
[ SIGHS ]

WELL, WHEN I TRIED TO PULL
SOMETHING LIKE THIS,

MY PARENTS CAME DOWN ON ME
LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.

OH, BOY.

IS THIS
THAT UGLY, UGLY STORY

ABOUT WHEN YOU GOT
YOUR FIRST A-MINUS?

NO, NO, NO, NO

I NEVER TOLD THIS
TO ANYONE BEFORE,

BUT MY PARENTS USED TO TAKE
APRIL AND ME

TO CEDAR POINT
EVERY YEAR.

UH-HUH. RIGHT.

AND WHEN I WAS 17,
I HAD SUMMER SCHOOL,

SO I STAYED HOME.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T REALLY NEED
SUMMER SCHOOL.

I JUST WANTED TO GET
A JUMP ON THE NEXT SEMESTER.

I CAN SEE WHY YOU NEVER TOLD
ANYONE THIS STORY.

JUST WAIT.
THIS JET IS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF.
OKAY.

OKAY, SO, THE FIRST NIGHT
I HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF,

I INVITE A FEW FRIENDS OVER
FOR A "DANCE FEVER" PARTY.

I MEAN, YOU HAD THOSE, RIGHT?
"DANCE FEVER"?

[ SNAPS FINGERS ]

[ LAUGHS ]
YEAH.

SO, MY GIRLFRIENDS COME OVER
TO DANCE.

OH, AND WE DANCED GOOD,
MIKE.

AND THEN SUDDENLY,
THE DOOR FLIES OPEN,

AND THERE THEY ARE --
MY PARENTS.

YEAH.

MY SISTER RATTED ME OUT.

THEY GROUNDED ME
FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS.

AND YOU WERE DANCING
SO GOOD.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

[ Sighing ] YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WORSE THAN BEING GROUNDED,

MY PARENTS SAID THEY WERE
DISAPPOINTED IN ME,

AND SOME PEOPLE SAY
THAT'S THE WORST PUNISHMENT

YOU CAN GET
WHEN YOU'RE A KID.

THOSE PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN
SMACKED IN THE HEAD

WITH A BROWN WING TIP.

HEY, DAD,
I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.
OH, HI.

HI, BUD.
HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, MICHAEL.

VANESSA.

I NEEDED TO COME BY
ON THIS HAPPY OCCASION.

OH, THAT'S SWEET,

BUT OUR ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION
HIT A LITTLE GLITCH.

IS IT YOUR ANNIVERSARY?

YES, DAD.

27 YEARS AGO TODAY,

YOU GOT INTO A FISTFIGHT
AT OUR RECEPTION.

AS I RECALL,
THAT JACKASS HAD IT COMING.

WHAT THE HELL
WAS HIS NAME?

REVEREND TURNER.

SO, WHAT IS
YOUR HAPPY OCCASION, BUD?

YOUR BROTHER JIMMY'S
IN TOWN.

HE'S TAKING ME OUT
FOR A BIG, FAT STEAK.

BUT I NEEDED A NECKTIE,
SO HERE I AM.

YOU DON'T HAVE A NECKTIE?

NOT ANYMORE.

WHEN I OPENED
THE WEED SHOP,

I DECIDED I SHOULD START
DRESSING MORE GROOVY.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, NUMBER 27?

Vanessa: YEAH.

THAT'S THE...
DORITO ANNIVERSARY?

OH, NO, NO, NO.
THIS ISN'T FOR US.

MANDY TRIED
TO SNEAK IN A PARTY

BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT
WE WERE GONE.

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

NO.

ACTUALLY,
IT'S NOT HILARIOUS, DAD.

IT NEVER IS WHEN THE CHICKENS
COME HOME TO ROOST,

AND YOU'RE THE ROOST.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHEN MIKE WAS A KID,
HE WAS A PIECE OF WORK.

HE WAS ALWAYS
GETTING IN TROUBLE.

I WASN'T ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.
ALWAYS IN TROUBLE.

I'LL BET HE NEVER TOLD YOU
ABOUT THE TIME

HE STOLE MY TRUCK
AND WRECKED IT.

YOU STOLE
YOUR DAD'S TRUCK?
YES.

I'M AN INFAMOUS TRUCK THIEF.
DO YOU WANT YOUR RING BACK?

HE ROLLED IT
INTO A CREEK BED.

I KICKED YOUR ASS PRETTY GOOD
FOR THAT.

THAT'S A GREAT STORY
YOU CAN TELL THE GEEZERS

WHEN I PUT YOU IN A HOME.

I HAD TO BE HARD ON YOU.

JIMMY IDOLIZED YOU.

I DIDN'T WANT HIM
GOING DOWN THE SAME PATH.

I NEVER
HAD TO BEAT THAT KID.

THAT'S HOW MY DAD'S GENERATION
PLAYED FAVORITES.

"BEAT THIS ONE,
BUT LET'S NOT BEAT THAT ONE."

LISTEN, POP, I GOT THE TIE

I WAS GONNA WEAR
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

IT'S A LITTLE FLAMBOYANT,
DON'T YOU THINK, MICHAEL?

YEAH, IT'S OUT THERE.
IT'S TWO COLORS.

I KNOW WHERE
YOU KEEP YOUR TIES.

I WANT A NECKTIE,
NOT A NEW LIFESTYLE.

LET'S GO WITH
THE BIGGER LETTERING

ON THE MENUS,
ALL RIGHT?

A LOT OF OUR CUSTOMERS
ARE OLDER,

AND THEY
DON'T SEE VERY WELL.

AND YET
YOU SELL THEM GUNS.

CAN I ASK YOU
A PERSONAL QUESTION?

GO AHEAD.

HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

UH...
I'M SORRY, WHAT?

FOUR.

AND NONE OF THEM
LASTED 10 YEARS?

MY MARRIAGE RECORD READS
LIKE MY GOLF SCORES --

A 6, A 7, A 9, AN 8.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

I'VE BEEN TOLD I DON'T
ROTATE MY HIPS VERY WELL.

I HOPE
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT GOLF.

[ SIGHS ]

MARRIAGE IS
VERY, VERY COMPLICATED,

AND AFFAIRS DON'T HELP.

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS
TEND TO FROWN ON THOSE.

NOT OURS.

HE HAD ONE
WITH WIFE NUMBER TWO.

THIS IS NOT
WHAT I WANT TO HEAR, MR. ALZATE.

I'M ABOUT TO GET MARRIED,

AND THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME
TO KNOW IF IT'S GONNA LAST.

IT -- IT'S SCARY.

KRISTIN, EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE
THAT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.

I FELT LIKE THAT
FOUR TIMES.

AND I WAS RIGHT
EVERY TIME.

ALL RIGHT,
I WANT TO BRING MANDY DOWN,

BUT WE HAVE TO AGREE
ON HER PUNISHMENT.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HEY,
IF IT'S NOT TOO CRUEL,

HAVE HER SIT THROUGH
THAT "DANCE FEVER" STORY.

JUST GOT TO BE HONEST --
THAT JET NEVER TOOK OFF.

HEY, CAMMY.

OH. MR. BAXTER.
YOU'RE HERE.

YEAH, I'M HERE IN MY OWN HOME.
CRAZY WORLD, HUH?

HEY, CAMMY.

WHAT, UH --
WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?

KARAOKE MACHINE?

WHERE?

IN THE BOX THAT SAYS
"KARAOKE MACHINE" ON IT.

OH. [ LAUGHS ]
[ CHUCKLES ]

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DO.

[ Chuckling ] HEY.

YOU BRINGING THAT
TO THE PARTY?

PARTY?
NO, NO, NO.

I-I JUST THOUGHT YOU GUYS
MIGHT WANT A K-KARAOKE MACHINE

BECAUSE THEY'RE...

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

LOOK, CAMMY, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
A REALLY HONEST KID,

AND I LIKE YOU BECAUSE --

EVE ASKED ME TO BRING IT
FOR HER PARTY. I'M SORRY.

EVE?
WAIT, EVE'S PARTY?

I DON'T WANT
TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE

IF IT'S GONNA
GET HER IN TROUBLE.

EVE'S THE ONE
WHO'S THROWING THE PARTY?

OH, GOD!
WHY WAS I BORN?!

I-I SHOULD GO.

LISTEN, BUT IT'S OKAY,
IT'S OKAY. CALM DOWN.

ANYBODY WOULD'VE CAVED
UNDER THE TORTURE

YOU JUST
PUT YOURSELF THROUGH.

WELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE EVE
WOULD PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT --
I CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT MANDY WAS WILLING
TO TAKE THE RAP FOR THIS.

IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU ADMIRE HER FOR THAT.

I DO. I TOLD HER TO TAKE CARE
OF HER SISTER, AND SHE DID.

YEAH, BY LYING.

I LIED FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER
ALL THE TIME.

THAT STORY
ABOUT MY DAD'S TRUCK --

I NEVER
ROLLED MY DAD'S TRUCK.

THAT WAS JIMMY.

TOOK IT OUT FOR A JOYRIDE,
FLIPS IT IN THE CREEK,

ALMOST KILLED HIMSELF.

HE COMES BACK,
HE'S SCARED TO DEATH

OF WHAT MY DAD'S GONNA
DO TO HIM.

SO YOU TOLD YOUR DAD
IT WAS YOU.
RIGHT.

HE WAS 15. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
FAR WORSE ON HIM, YOU KNOW?

PLUS,
HE WAS DAD'S FAVORITE.

JUST LIKE
EVE IS YOUR FAVORITE?

USED TO BE.

THE NEW RANKINGS
COME OUT TOMORROW.

KRISTIN.
WHAT?

BEEN RUNNING SOME PROJECTIONS
ON THIS RESTAURANT.

I THINK
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

LET ME GUESS --
ANOTHER "WHAT IF?"

LIKE "WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THE
WORLD BECOMES A VEGETARIAN?"

I'D BE FINE WITH THAT.
I'M HEAVILY INVESTED IN SOY.

BUT SERIOUSLY, THE COST
OF OPENING THIS PLACE IS HUGE.

IF IT TANKS,
I'LL TAKE A BIG HIT.

I'LL HAVE TO SELL
ONE OF MY DANCING HORSES.

IT WON'T TANK.

I PROMISE YOU,
IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

LOOK, 50% OF RESTAURANTS FAIL
IN THE FIRST THREE YEARS.

I ONLY INVEST IN THINGS
I KNOW WILL SUCCEED.

WAIT --
NO...ED, WAIT.

Y-Y-YOU CAN'T GO INTO SOMETHING
WITH THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE.

WHY NOT?

FROM WHAT
YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME,

THAT'S THE ATTITUDE THAT
YOU'RE GOING INTO MARRIAGE WITH.

VERY CLEVER.

YES, "ALZATE" IS BASQUE
FOR "BRILLIANT."

OR "FISHMONGER."
SOURCES VARY.

YOU'VE BEEN ASKING ME
WHY MY MARRIAGES FAILED.

I THINK THE BEST REASON

IS THAT WHEN THINGS GOT HARD,
I STOPPED TRYING.

I QUIT.

WELL, I DON'T QUIT.

I COMPLAIN LIKE HELL,
BUT I DON'T QUIT.

THEN YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

SO, I GUESS I'LL GIVE YOU
YOUR WEDDING PRESENT NOW.

WHA--

[ LAUGHS ]
A SUITE AT THE FOUR SEASONS?

THIS IS SO GENEROUS!

JUST, UH,
CHECK THE DATE.

[ MUTTERS ]

10 YEARS
FROM THE WEDDING.

YEAH,
FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

LIKE I SAID, I ONLY INVEST IN
THINGS I KNOW WILL SUCCEED.

THANK YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I KNOW YOU AND BRIAN
WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

IT'S "RYAN."

WELL, I GUESS IT MEANS
"FISHMONGER," THEN.

OKAY. I JUST TOLD MANDY
WE WANT TO TALK TO HER.

AND I ALSO CHECKED ON
YOUR DAD.

HE FELL ASLEEP ON BOYD'S BED
WITH A HANDFUL OF TIES.

WE COULD PLAY A GREAT TRICK
ON HIM RIGHT NOW --

WE MOVE.

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS
TO MANDY?

THIS PARTY HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH HER.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT EVE.

BUT MANDY LIED,
AND WE CAN'T LET THAT GO.

WE JUST GOT TO SQUEEZE HER
A LITTLE

AND GIVE HER A CHANCE
TO TO TELL THE TRUTH.

SHE LIED
TO PROTECT HER SISTER.

YEAH.

MY SISTER NEVER
STUCK UP FOR ME.

WELL...
WE ALL HATE APRIL.

IS THIS
ABOUT MY PUNISHMENT?

WELL, WE NEED A LITTLE MORE
INFORMATION FIRST.

WHO DID YOU INVITE
TO THIS PARTY?

UMM...JUST A COUPLE
OF FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE.

MM,
AND WHAT SORT OF STUFF

WERE YOU AND YOUR
COLLEGE FRIENDS GOING TO DO?

MAYBE KARAOKE?

[ Chuckling ]
YEAH, RIGHT.

EVE'S FRIEND CAMMY SHOWED UP
HERE WITH A KARAOKE MACHINE.

LOVE KARAOKE.
IT'S NOT LAME AT ALL.

NEITHER IS CAMMY.
SHE'S NOT WEIRD.

WE HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, IT IS TIME
TO TELL YOU YOUR PUNISHMENT.

OKAY, WHY -- WHY ARE WE
DOING THIS LIKE A GAME SHOW?

[ Announcer voice ]
WE JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE --

A SPECTACULAR SPRING-BREAK TRIP
TO CANCúN, MéJICO.

COME ON, GUYS.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

YOU KNOW,
FROM WHAT YOU'VE TOLD US --

OR HAVEN'T TOLD US --
YOU'VE LEFT US NO CHOICE.

O-OKAY, FINE.
TAKE AWAY MY TRIP.

ALL RIGHT, NO,
THAT'S NOT FAIR.

SHUT UP, EVE.

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS,
ALL RIGHT?

IT WAS MY PARTY.
AHH.

MANDY WAS JUST
COVERING FOR ME.

SO, NOW WE HAVE THE TRUTH --
FROM THE RIGHT PERSON.

MM-HMM.

MANDY, I'M ACTUALLY
PROUD OF YOU.

EVE, YOU'RE DEAD.

YOU'RE PROUD OF ME
FOR LYING?

AND YOU'RE MAD AT ME
FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

PARENTING IS COMPLICATED.

CANCEL THE RUSSIAN BABY.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

JIMMY.

PROBABLY CAN'T FIND MY DAD.

ARE YOU SURE
HE'S ASLEEP UPSTAIRS?

YOU GET A MIRROR
UNDER HIS NOSE?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH.

SURE, JIM. WHAT'S UP?

MOM,
I'M REALLY SORRY.

I KNOW WHAT I DID
WAS REALLY STUPID.
YEAH.

I THINK
THAT WE'VE ALL LEARNED

A VALUABLE LESSON
HERE TODAY --

THAT I CAN STILL
GO TO CANCúN.

NO, NO, NO,
HEY, GIRLS. LISTEN.

OUR JOB AS PARENTS
IS TO PROTECT YOU.

IF YOU'RE GONNA HIDE STUFF
FROM US,

THEN SOMEBODY'S GOT TO STEP IN
AND ACT LIKE THE PARENT.

NOW, COME ON -- PART OF
HAVING EACH OTHER'S BACKS

IS TO MAKE SURE YOUR SISTER
DOESN'T DO SOMETHING STUPID.

YES.
I UNDERSTAND.

YEAH.
YEAH?

OKAY. GOT IT.

GOOD.

WE SHOULD HAVE
BLAMED KRISTIN.

OH, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
SO GOOD!

YEAH. THAT'S GREAT, JIMMY.
YOU NEVER FAIL TO DISAPPOINT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

JIMMY CAN'T MAKE DINNER
WITH MY DAD

BECAUSE HE'S
IN A "BUSINESS MEETING."

[ SCOFFS ]

THE KIND OF MEETING
THAT HAS

A GIRL GIGGLING
IN THE BACKGROUND.

OH, GOD.

HE WANTS YOU TO MAKE
AN EXCUSE TO YOUR DAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT LYING FOR HIM THIS TIME.

YEAH. YOU SHOULD JUST
GET MANDY TO DO IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I TOLD HIM
TO JUST MAKE THE DINNER

OR I'LL KICK HIS ASS.

THAT'S ALL
I COULD COME UP WITH.

YEAH? YOU THINK
THAT'S GONNA WORK?

HE'S A LOT BIGGER AND STRONGER.
I MAY NEED YOU TO TAG IN.

GOT IT.

SORRY TO HEAR IT.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT,
JIMMY.

DON'T WORRY A BIT
ABOUT IT.

IT'S OKAY.

WELL, JIMMY GOT HELD UP
IN A BUSINESS MEETING.

[ SCOFFS ]

HE'S GOT A LOT OF IRONS
IN THE FIRE.

EVERYBODY WANTS
A PIECE OF THAT KID.

WELL, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO
WAIT IN LINE, DAD.

I'M SORRY, BUD.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY

AND CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY
WITH US.

NO.
HE'S JUST RUNNING LATE.

HE SAID HE WOULD
DEFINITELY BE THERE.

AND IT SEEMED
VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM

THAT I LET YOU KNOW THAT.

JIMMY'S A...GOOD SON.

BUD, THE ONLY REASON
HE'S COMING IS BECAUSE --

BECAUSE HE'S A PRINCE.

ALWAYS HAS BEEN, DAD.
HE'S A GOOD KID.

YEAH.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU GOT A WHOLE RACK OF TIES
UP THERE, MIKE.

SPENDING A LOT OF TIME
IN COURT?

I'M GONNA NEED THAT TIE
BACK, DAD.

IT'S MY LUCKY FUNERAL TIE.

EVERY TIME I WEAR THAT,
I'M NOT THE DEAD GUY.

HEY. MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY
TO RUN A FAMILY?

WE ALL AGREE
THAT LETTING PEOPLE VOTE

IS THE BEST WAY
TO RUN A COUNTRY.

WELL, YOU DO GET SOME PUSHBACK
FROM THE DICTATORS OUT THERE --

KIM JONG-UN,
THE CASTRO BROTHERS, OBAMA.

BEING A DICTATOR
IS NO WAY TO RUN A COUNTRY.

BUT, GOSH DARN IT, IT'S
THE ONLY WAY TO RUN A FAMILY.

YOU KNOW,
IT WORKS FOR MAFIA FAMILIES.

IN THOSE FAMILIES
YOU NEVER HEAR,

"LOOK, ALL IN FAVOR OF WHACKING
JOHNNY ROAST BEEF, SAY AYE."

WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE LITTLE,

YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM
A LOT OF FREEDOM.

THEY DON'T HAVE
THE INALIENABLE RIGHT

TO STICK A FORK
IN A WALL SOCKET.

BEING A PARENT
IS LIKE BEING A KING,

EXCEPT YOUR SUBJECTS ARE GETTING
BIGGER AND SMARTER ALL THE TIME.

SO YOU GOT TO STAY
ONE STEP AHEAD OF THEM.

ONE TRICK DICTATORS USE

IS TO TURN THEIR SUBJECTS
AGAINST EACH OTHER,

WHICH IS TEMPTING
TO DO WITH YOUR KIDS, RIGHT?

BUT, LIKE COCKFIGHTING,

IT'S FUN TO WATCH,
BUT ULTIMATELY KIND OF WRONG.

[ CLUCKING ]

IDEALLY,
YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO BE CLOSE

SO THAT
WHEN YOU'RE NO LONGER AROUND,

THEY HAVE EACH OTHER.

AS THE WRITER
JEAN BAPTISTE LEGOUVé SAID,

"A SIBLING
IS A FRIEND GIVEN BY NATURE."

WHICH TELLS ME
FRENCHY WEIRD NAME

NEVER GOT JAMMED INTO
A CLOTHES DRYER BY HIS BROTHER.

SO, IN CLOSING,
I WANT TO MAKE AMENDS

AND SAY "SORRY"
TO MY YOUNGER BROTHER, JIMMY.

BUT AT LEAST WHEN YOU CAME OUT,

YOU WERE FLUFFY
AND SPRINGTIME-FRESH.