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1
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:04,003
"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED
2
00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,871
IN FRONT OF A LIVESTUDIO AUDIENCE.
3
00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:09,508
NOTHING LIKE A COZY NIGHTCAP
BY THE FIRE, HUH?
4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:12,177
WHAT HAPPENED
TO ACTUAL NIGHTCAPS?
5
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:14,780
PEOPLE JUST DON'T
DRESS FOR BED ANYMORE.
6
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,181
WELL...[ CHUCKLES ]
7
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:18,984
WELL, YOU DO YOUR PART
BY WEARING SOCKS.
8
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:21,887
OR ONCE, YOU TRIED THAT
THING WITH THE, UH --
WITH THE BOW TIE.
9
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:24,356
OH, THAT WAS MY HOMAGE
TO THE CHIPPENDALE DANCERS.
10
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,025
AH.
11
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,160
WELL, CHIPPENDALE DANCERS
WEAR IT ON THEIR NECK.
12
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,129
[ CHUCKLES ]
13
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,296
[ SNEEZES ]
14
00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:32,498
OOH.
OH.
15
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:33,799
[ SNIFFLES ]
16
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:35,067
YOU COMING DOWN
WITH SOMETHING?
17
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,402
MNH-MNH.
18
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,303
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING,
LIKE A...MOTEL ROOM?
19
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,638
NO. [ CHUCKLES ]
20
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,672
IT'S ALLERGIES.
THAT'S ALL.
21
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:41,840
YEAH?
YEAH.
22
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,342
YOU KNOW,
I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT
23
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,010
THIS TEACHING SEMINAR
I WENT TO TODAY --
24
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:48,647
"THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL
BLENDED CLASSROOM."
25
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,049
[ SNEEZES ]
26
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,917
HONEY, HONEY.
[ SNEEZES ]
27
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:54,186
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE YOU'RE ALLERGIC
TO BORING CONVERSATION.
28
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,387
NO, IT'S SOMETHING
IN THE YARD.
29
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,422
WHERE YOU GOING?
30
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,856
I'M GONNA GO INSIDE,
HONEY.
31
00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,091
OH, COME ON.
32
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,726
HONEY, I'LL TELL YOU
THE STORY LATER.
33
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,494
[ SNEEZES ]
34
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:03,662
DON'T TAX YOURSELF.
35
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,398
YOU MIGHT
HAVE TO DRIVE TO A MOTEL.
36
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,033
YO, YO, YO.
37
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,602
HO. HEY, GARFIELD.
THERE'S NO LASAGNA UP HERE.
38
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:13,105
GO, GO, GO. GO.
39
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:14,840
[ SNEEZING ]
40
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:18,043
BOO!
OH!
41
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,578
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, GOD.
42
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,080
HONEY,
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
43
00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:23,415
OH, I WAS TRYING TO SCARE YOU
SO YOU'D STOP.
44
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,750
THAT'S HICCUPS.
45
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,351
NO, THOSE WERE
DEFINITELY SNEEZES.
46
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,253
HEY, HON,
I THINK I FIGURED OUT
47
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,422
WHY YOU'RE DOING
ALL THIS SNEEZING,
48
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,691
WHO LEFT THE SURPRISES
IN BOYD'S SANDBOX,
49
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,360
AND WHY WE HAVE ORANGE HAIR
ALL OVER THE LAWN FURNITURE.
50
00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:37,129
OH, MY GOD.
WE HAVE CLOWNS?
51
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,064
NO, WE HAVE A CAT.
52
00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:41,467
I SPRAYED FOR CLOWNS.
53
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:44,436
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I'M EXTREMELY ALLERGIC TO CATS.
54
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,071
WELL, JUST SAY THE WORD,
55
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,707
AND I'LL SEND FLUFFY PACKING
WITH MY AIRSOFT RIFLE.
56
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,076
UH, NO ONE
IS SHOOTING AT A CAT.
57
00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,212
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
WE DON'T SHOOT ANIMALS
THAT HAVE COLLARS.
58
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:56,415
THAT'S HOW YOGI BEAR
HAS LASTED SO LONG.
59
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,917
WELL, SUIT YOURSELF, BUT
IT WORKED WITH THE SWANSON KID
60
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,886
WHEN HE KEPT POOPING
IN OUR SANDBOX.
61
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,454
YOU KNOW,
I'M PRETTY SURE
62
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,157
I'VE SEEN CAROL LARABEE
FEEDING A BIG ORANGE CAT.
63
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:07,493
YOU WANT TO GO ASK CHUCK?
WHY DON'T YOU GO ASK CHUCK?
64
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:10,095
NO. I DON'T WANT TO STRAIN
THINGS WITH THE NEIGHBORS.
65
00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,630
I KNOW.
THAT'S MORE MY THING.
66
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:12,931
I'LL CALL HIM
IN THE MORNING.
67
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,399
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT --
I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT
68
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:16,168
THAT INSTRUCTIONAL SEMINAR
I ATTENDED.
69
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,469
I'LL CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.
70
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:21,540
-- Captions by VITAC --
71
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,179
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
72
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:30,182
[ GROANS ]
73
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,917
HEY, BAXTER.
74
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,418
HEY, CHUCK, MAN.
75
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:36,255
I HATE TO BOTHER YOU
WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING "ARSENIO."
76
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:38,323
[ SIGHS ]
77
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,292
"ARSENIO'S" OFF THE AIR, BUT I
AM WATCHING AN ALL-BLACK SHOW.
78
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:42,194
IT'S CALLED "SPORTS."
79
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,164
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
80
00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:47,933
LISTEN, I GOT A LITTLE TROUBLE
WITH ORANGE CAT HAIR
81
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:49,434
ALL OVER
MY OUTDOOR FURNITURE.
82
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,802
YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS?
83
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,504
YEAH -- IF YOU DON'T HAVE
A LINT ROLLER,
84
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,874
WRAP SOME TAPE AROUND YOUR HAND
STICKY-SIDE-OUT.
85
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:58,443
ALL RIGHT, THANKS. I'LL JUST
SHOOT THE CAT. GOOD NIGHT.
86
00:02:58,445 --> 00:02:59,778
HANG ON,
HANG ON, HANG ON.
87
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,680
IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TIGGER.
88
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,782
WHEN DID YOU GET A CAT?
We didn't.
89
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,717
HE USED TO BELONG TO
THE PETTIGREWS DOWN THE STREET,
90
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,386
BUT THEY LEFT HIM BEHIND
WHEN THEY MOVED.
91
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,487
PETTIGREW MOVED?
92
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:09,454
Uh-huh.
93
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,223
HE'S GOT MY RAKE!
94
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:14,226
NOT ANYMORE.
I BOUGHT IT AT HIS YARD SALE.
95
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,497
CAROL FELT SORRY
FOR TIGGER GETTING ABANDONED,
96
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:19,831
SO WE STARTED FEEDING HIM.
97
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,400
Well, then,
it's your cat.
98
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,135
YOU FEED IT,
YOU OWN IT.
99
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:25,370
OH, IN THAT CASE,
I BOUGHT YOU LUNCH LAST WEEK,
100
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,239
AND I GOT
A LOT OF YARD WORK TO DO.
101
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,076
I'LL EVEN LET YOU USE
MY GOOD RAKE.
102
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,978
WHY DON'T YOU
KEEP THAT THING INDOORS?
103
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,680
IT'S STARTING TO BOTHER
MY WIFE'S ALLERGIES.
104
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:36,148
Oh, I can't do that.
105
00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:38,083
I GOT THIS HUGE
GERMAN SHEPHERD, AND --
106
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:41,220
and she's terrified
of cats.
107
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,421
[ BARKS ]
108
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,590
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
109
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:47,826
BESIDES, YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE
NEIGHBORHOOD FEEDS TIGGER.
110
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,728
HE -- HE'S
A NEIGHBORHOOD CAT.
111
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,931
YEAH, THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD'S
BECOME THAT CAT'S LITTER BOX.
112
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,000
LOOK, THIS IS
JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE
113
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:57,436
OF YOU PEOPLE
NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY.
114
00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:00,272
AND WHAT PEOPLE ARE THOSE,
BAXTER?
115
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:01,940
YOU GONNA MAKE ME SAY IT?
116
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,075
YES.
117
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,743
CAT PEOPLE!
118
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,217
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
119
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,385
HOW ABOUT SOME LUNCH,
MIKEY?
120
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,786
ALL RIGHT.
121
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,121
ALL RIGHT,
HOW ABOUT THE INDIAN PLACE?
122
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:19,157
OR WE COULD SAVE TIME
AND JUST ORDER DIARRHEA.
123
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,394
YOU HAVE SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHOE.
124
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,696
OH, DAMN IT!
125
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:27,866
I STEPPED ON
A GLOB OF GUM.
126
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,568
OH, MAN.
LOOK AT THAT.
127
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:33,305
AND IT'S THE -- IT'S THE COUPON
FOR THE INDIAN PLACE.
128
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:36,141
[ MUTTERS ANGRILY ]
129
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,477
ADIóS, TIKKA MASALA,
RIGHT?
130
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:41,880
I MEAN, COME ON, NOW.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE, MIKE?
131
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,882
PEOPLE JUST SPIT OUT
THEIR GUM WILLY-NILLY
132
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,251
AND EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE
TO CLEAN UP THEIR MESS?
133
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:47,619
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
134
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:50,122
[ SNIFFS ]
I'LL GO WITH WINTERGREEN.
135
00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:53,158
IT'S PEOPLE NOT ACCEPTING
RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT THEY DO.
136
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,494
IT'S WHAT MY VLOG IS ABOUT.
WATCH THIS.
137
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:58,063
HEY, MIKE BAXTER HEREWITH A WORD ON CATS.
138
00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,197
[ HISSES ]
139
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,934
THAT'S THE WRONG ONE.
THAT'S ABOUT CATS, MIKE.
140
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,670
JUST WATCH
THE REST OF IT. HERE.
141
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,672
LISTEN,THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CATS,
142
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:08,307
LEARN A LITTLE RESPONSIBILITY.
143
00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:10,409
START WITH SPAYING
OR NEUTERING THEM.
144
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,911
OR, BETTER YET,
HAVE A VETERINARIAN DO THAT.
145
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,314
AND KEEP THE LITTLE PREDATOR
IN THE HOUSE.
146
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,582
IF YOU LET THEM
WANDER AROUND OUTSIDE,
147
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,984
WE ALL GOT A CAT.
148
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,019
IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE
OF YOUR OWN STUFF,
149
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,754
THEN SOCIETY HAS TO DO IT.
150
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,256
"HEY, I'M DONE WITH THIS COUCH.
151
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:25,924
"I'LL JUST LEAVE IT
HERE ON THE STREET CORNER.
152
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,092
SOMEBODY WILL USE IT."
153
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:29,528
YOU KNOW WHO? CATS.
154
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,630
IT'S STILL ABOUT CATS,
MIKEY.
155
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:32,998
KEEP WATCHING.
156
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,167
WHAT'S WORSE
THAN ABANDONING A SOFA?
157
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:37,002
ABANDONING A HUMAN BEING.
158
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,804
WE ACTUALLY HAVE A LAW
IN THIS STATE
159
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,372
THAT IF YOU HAVE A BABY,
160
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:44,710
YOU GET THREE DAYS
TO DECIDE IF IT'S A KEEPER.
161
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,212
THAT'S RIGHT --
THERE'S A LEMON LAW FOR BABIES.
162
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:50,282
IF YOU DECIDE IT CRIES TOO MUCH
OR CLASHES WITH THE DRAPES,
163
00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:52,951
YOU CAN JUST DROP IT OFF
AT YOUR LOCAL FIRE STATION.
164
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,153
SO YOU, ME,
AND EVERYBODY BUT THEIR PARENTS
165
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,722
ENDS UP TAKING CARE OF THEM.
166
00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:58,523
NOW, SURE, THERE HAVE BEEN
A FEW ABANDONED BABIES
167
00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,891
WHO HAVE TURNED OUT OKAY.
168
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:03,061
I'M THINKING ABOUT
SUPERMAN AND MOSES.
169
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,996
BUT WITHTHIS KIND OF SAFETY NET,
170
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,699
YOU'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING FOLKS
TO BE IRRESPONSIBLE.
171
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,369
YOU KNOW, IT SHOULDN'T BE EASIER
TO DISPOSE OF A CHILD
172
00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,404
THAN TO DISPOSE
OF USED MOTOR OIL.
173
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,206
PLUS, YOU'RE DISTRACTING FIREMEN
174
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,375
FROM THEIR
MORE IMPORTANT DUTIES --
175
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:17,843
POSING SHIRTLESS FOR CALENDARS.
176
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,478
AND LISTEN, FOLKS,
177
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:23,749
A BEEFCAKE PHOTO SHOOT
IS NO PLACE TO RAISE A BABY.
178
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,717
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
179
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:29,588
IT'S ANOTHER BULL'S-EYE,
MIKEY.
180
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:33,258
ONCE YOU GET PAST
ALL THAT CAT CRAP.
181
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,026
PEOPLE JUST NEED
TO STEP UP
182
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,429
AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR
THEIR OWN MESSES, THAT'S ALL.
183
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,097
I KNOW.
YOU -- ED, ED.
184
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,333
YES. WHAT?
YOU GONNA PICK THIS UP?
185
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,168
SOMEBODY ELSE WILL TAKE CARE
OF THAT. DON'T WORRY.
186
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,674
I'M GONNA MISS YOU
SO, SO MUCH, KYLE.
187
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:52,577
AND I'M GONNA MISS YOU
SO, SO, SO MUCH, MANDY.
188
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:56,114
I'M GONNA MISS YOU
SO, SO, SO, SO, SO --
189
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,449
STOP!!
190
00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:02,621
THIS ALWAYS ENDS WITH CONFUSION
AND COUNTING ON FINGERS.
191
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:05,056
HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME
IN VEGAS, KYLE.
192
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,591
ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
193
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,026
OKAY,
I BETTER GET GOING.
194
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,428
I DON'T HAVE AN ASSIGNED SEAT
ON THE PLANE,
195
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,029
AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE
I GET A MIDDLE ONE.
196
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,965
OKAY. HEY, HAVE AN AWESOME TIME,
OKAY?
197
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,368
AND, UM, REMEMBER
WHAT WE AGREED TO.
198
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:17,302
I WILL.
OKAY.
199
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,870
BYE, EVE.
BYE, MRS. B.
200
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,105
BYE, KYLE.
201
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:23,542
MANDY, HONEY,
UH, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
202
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,444
WHAT DID YOU AND KYLE
AGREE TO?
203
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,145
UM, NO BIGS.
204
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,713
WE'RE JUST TAKING THE WEEKEND
OFF FROM BEING A COUPLE.
205
00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:30,649
A COUPLE OF IDIOTS?
'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TIME.
206
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:32,617
HA HA HO!
207
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,453
YOU'RE GIVING YOUR BOYFRIEND
A FREE PASS
208
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,887
AT A BACHELOR PARTY
IN VEGAS?
209
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,289
I DON'T KNOW.
210
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:38,590
I JUST REALLY WANTED HIM
TO BE ABLE TO CUT LOOSE
211
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,825
WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY,
YOU KNOW?
212
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:40,826
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
213
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,394
WELL,
SOUNDS GREAT FOR HIM.
214
00:07:42,396 --> 00:07:44,396
WE EVEN CAME UP WITH
THIS CUTE SLOGAN ABOUT IT.
215
00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:47,466
IT'S LIKE, "WHATEVER HAPPENS
IN VEGAS STAYS A SECRET."
216
00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:49,067
[ LAUGHS ]
217
00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:52,170
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
218
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,406
RELAX, MOM.
THIS IS KYLE IN VEGAS.
219
00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:55,907
THE ONLY THING
THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
220
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,776
IS WE'LL GET A PANICKED CALL
EVERY HALF-HOUR
221
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,177
THAT THERE'S
A VOLCANO ERUPTING.
222
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,178
[ CHUCKLES ]
223
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,446
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
224
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,615
I'LL GET THAT.
225
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,749
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
226
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:05,984
HEY, CHUCK.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
227
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,752
HEY, BAXTER.
228
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:10,088
I'M HERE
ON SECURITY-COMPANY BUSINESS.
229
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,356
WELL, THAT'S PERFECT,
230
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,159
'CAUSE I WANT TO REPORT
AN UNWANTED VISITOR.
231
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,193
[ SIGHS ]
232
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,028
TIGGER HAS GONE MISSING.
233
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,363
OH!
234
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,931
WELL, HAVE YOU CHECKED
HIS KNOWN ASSOCIATES?
235
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,933
HOW ABOUT THAT WEIRD LITTLE BEAR
THAT WEARS NO PANTS?
236
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:25,871
DO YOU TWO HAVE ANY IDEA
WHERE THE CAT MIGHT BE?
237
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,339
NO, NO.
238
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,174
BUT WHAT WAS IN THAT WEIRD STEW
WE [BURPS] JUST HAD?
239
00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:33,011
NO, I-I HAVEN'T SEEN TIGGER
IN A WHILE.
240
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,679
OH, YEAH?
241
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:38,016
WELL, UM, ACCORDING TO YOUR
NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREET,
242
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,519
UH, HE WAS IN YOUR YARD
ON WEDNESDAY,
243
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,622
AND THERE WAS AN, UH...
ALTERCATION.
244
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,724
ALTERCATION?
WHAT -- WHAT ALTERCATION?
245
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,792
I THINK YOU SHOULD CHECK
WITH THAT WEIRD SWANSON KID.
246
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:50,562
YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT PULLS
DOLL PARTS AROUND IN HIS WAGON?
247
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,998
THERE'S VIDEO.
OH.
248
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:57,602
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
TIGGER PETTIGREW WAS SEEN ALIVE.
249
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,208
[ SIGHS ]
250
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,809
I BELIEVE THAT'S YOU,
VANESSA.
251
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:07,579
YEAH, I WAS --
I WAS JUST SHOOING HIM.
252
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:18,223
SQUIRTING A KITTY
IN FEBRUARY.
253
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,424
NOT COOL.
254
00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:22,494
YOU MAY
WANT TO LAWYER UP.
255
00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:24,529
LOOK, I WOULD NEVER, EVER
HURT AN ANIMAL.
256
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:25,864
IT -- IT WAS
A WARM EVENING,
257
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,400
AND WATER IS
A HUMANE TRAINING TECHNIQUE.
258
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:32,003
YEP. THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
AT GUANTANAMO, HUH?
259
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,338
BUT BESIDES THE CAT THING,
260
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,773
WHERE DID YOU GET
THE VIDEO OF THIS?
261
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,942
YEAH, YEAH. SOMEBODY WAS
ACTUALLY FILMING ME?
262
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:38,610
IT'S FROM ONE OF
THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS
263
00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:40,111
I INSTALLED
OVER AT THE SHIRAZIS'.
264
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,613
THE SHIRAZIS?
265
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,615
WE'RE BEING MONITORED
BY MIDDLE EASTERNERS?
266
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,417
SHOULDN'T IT BE
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
267
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:48,386
THE SHIRAZIS
ARE FROM MILWAUKEE,
268
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,622
SO TECHNICALLY,
THEY'RE MIDWESTERNERS.
269
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:54,092
AND THEIR SECURITY PACKAGE
INCLUDES MULTIPLE CAMERAS,
270
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,294
ONE OF WHICH HAPPENS TO CAPTURE
YOUR FRONT LAWN.
271
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,430
MAYBE I SHOULD RETHINK
THAT LOOSE ROBE I WEAR
272
00:09:58,432 --> 00:09:59,898
WHEN I PICK UP
THE NEWSPAPER.
273
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,901
WHY? THEN WE'D HAVE TO PAY
THE PAPER BOY.
274
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:05,370
A LOT OF YOUR NEIGHBORS
HAVE SECURITY CAMERAS NOW,
275
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,972
SO I GET
A PRETTY CLEAR OVERVIEW
276
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,807
OF WHAT'S HAPPENING
ON OUR STREET.
277
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,442
SO YOU'RE SNOOPING
ON ALL OF US?
278
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,811
SO YOU'RE NOT JUST A BROTHER.
YOU'RE BIG BROTHER.
279
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,579
OH, I DON'T LIKE
ANY OF THIS.
280
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,381
WHO -- WHO ELSE
HAS SEEN THIS FOOTAGE?
281
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,716
A LOT OF FOLKS.
282
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:19,818
THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
IS WORRIED ABOUT TIGGER.
283
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,320
WELL, MAYBE THE WHOLE
NEIGHBORHOOD SHOULD
TAKE HIM INSIDE.
284
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:24,789
I WANT YOU
TO TAKE THAT CAMERA DOWN.
285
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,826
NO, NO. IT'S THE SHIRAZIS' RIGHT
TO PROTECT THEIR HOME.
286
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:31,296
LEGALLY, YOU HAVE NO EXPECTATION
OF PRIVACY IN YOUR FRONT YARD.
287
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,464
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF EVERYWHERE YOU WENT,
288
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,466
PEOPLE WERE WATCHING YOU?
289
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,669
I'M A BLACK MAN IN SUBURBIA.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING ME.
290
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:48,346
I LIKE THAT CAT. HE'S LIKE
THE NEIGHBORHOOD GREETER.
291
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,581
ALWAYS MAKES ME
FEEL WELCOME.
292
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:51,916
WELL,
VANESSA KILLED IT.
293
00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:54,953
LOOK, THIS WHOLE TIGGER THING
IS A NIGHTMARE.
294
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,921
THE WHOLE STREET
IS GIVING ME DIRTY LOOKS --
295
00:10:56,923 --> 00:11:00,158
EXCEPT FOR BOB ASHBY,
WHO'S GIVING ME FILTHY LOOKS,
296
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,194
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE OF THE WHOLE
LOOSE-BATHROBE THING.
297
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:06,097
WELL, WELCOME
TO OUR SURVEILLANCE CULTURE.
298
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,134
WE HAVE TO ASSUME
WE'RE BEING RECORDED 24/7.
299
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,935
OH, HELLO, NSA.
300
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:13,538
NOPE, NOT MAKING A BOMB HERE.
JUST SOME MU SHU.
301
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:17,375
[shoe]
YOU JUST SAID "SHU" AND "BOMB"
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
302
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:18,877
PREPARE
TO BE CAVITY-SEARCHED
303
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,112
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
AT THE AIRPORT.
304
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:24,382
FOR THE RECORD, HE'S NOT
ACTUALLY PART OF OUR FAMILY.
305
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,717
IT'S NOT JUST CAMERAS.
306
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,619
THEY'RE LISTENING
TO OUR PHONE CALLS
307
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:28,953
AND READING OUR E-MAILS.
308
00:11:28,955 --> 00:11:31,990
2015 IS NOW "1984."
309
00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:34,559
I'D RATHER IT WAS 1984.
REAGAN WOULD STILL BE PRESIDENT.
310
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,361
I COULD GET MY PARACHUTE PANTS
ON AND SAY,
311
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,796
"U CAN'T TOUCH THIS."
312
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,130
IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING WRONG,
313
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,632
YOU DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
314
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:42,500
UNLESS YOU HAVE SKELETONS
IN YOUR CLOSET --
315
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,169
CAT OR OTHERWISE.
316
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,503
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
317
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:48,039
OH. IT'S CAROL LARABEE.
EXCUSE ME.
318
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,674
YOU KNOW,
THE WAY I SEE IT,
319
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,910
UNCLE SAM CAN FLIP THROUGH
MY E-MAILS ALL HE WANTS
320
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,179
IF IT HELPS HIM
BLOW THOSE ISIS BASTARDS
321
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,715
TO SMOLDERING BITS
OF TERRORIST GOO.
322
00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:58,083
WHO'S HUNGRY?
323
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,852
EVEN IF WE HURT THEM,
THEY STILL HURT US
324
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,722
'CAUSE THEY MAKE US
COMPROMISE OUR FREEDOM.
325
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,490
BEN FRANKLIN SAID IT BEST.
326
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:09,027
"THOSE WHO SACRIFICE LIBERTY
FOR SECURITY DESERVE NEITHER."
327
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,129
OR WAS THAT
ARETHA FRANKLIN?
328
00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:14,733
WHO'S ON THE $100 BILL?
329
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,768
IT'S NOT JUST THE GOVERNMENT
SNOOPING AROUND.
330
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,503
GOOGLE TAKES PICTURES
OF OUR HOUSES.
331
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,739
THEY KEEP TRACK OF WHAT WE EAT
AT THE GROCERY STORE.
332
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,507
I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF THE JUDGY LOOKS
333
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:25,710
WHEN THE HAAGEN-DAZS COUPONS
COME FLYING OUT OF THE REGISTER.
334
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:28,279
IT IS ICE-CREAM COUPON
AFTER ICE-CREAM COUPON
335
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,914
AFTER ICE-CREAM COUPON.
336
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,751
SOUNDS LIKE
RYAN'S THE JUDGY ONE.
337
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,552
IT'S YOUR GENERATION
THAT BROUGHT THIS ON.
338
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:35,954
YOU GAVE UP YOUR PRIVACY
339
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,089
TO GET OVERNIGHT DELIVERY
AND 15% OFF.
340
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,892
WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?
GO OFF THE GRID?
341
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:41,926
YEAH.
342
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,561
WE'D LIVE UP
IN THE MOUNTAINS
343
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,797
IN A HOUSE MADE OUT OF OLD TIRES
AND ICE-CREAM CARTONS.
344
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,466
THE ICE CREAM WAS
FOR BOYD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!
345
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:49,901
GREAT -- NOW CAROL LARABEE
346
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,736
CANCELED COFFEE WITH ME
TOMORROW.
347
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:54,272
SHE SAYS SHE'S SICK, BUT I KNOW
IT'S BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN CAT.
348
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,607
OR -- OR SHE'S SICK.
349
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,308
I WISH.
350
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,077
I TELL YOU, IF THIS WHOLE THING
DOESN'T BLOW OVER,
351
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,379
I'M JUST GONNA MOVE AWAY,
START A WHOLE NEW LIFE.
352
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,948
YOU COULD JUST STAND IN
THE DRIVEWAY WITH YOUR
THUMB OUT IN THAT BATHROBE.
353
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,551
I'M SURE BOB ASHBY WOULD TAKE
YOU ANYWHERE YOU WANTED TO GO.
354
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,119
OH!
OH, THERE HE IS!
355
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,988
THERE HE IS! HE'S ALIVE!
356
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,823
IT'S TIGGER!
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!
357
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,091
Eve: WHERE? WHERE?
358
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,793
HE WAS --
HE WAS RIGHT THERE.
359
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,294
I SAW HIM. COME ON,
YOU SAW HIM, TOO, RIGHT?
NO.
360
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,729
HE WAS RIGHT THERE.
361
00:13:17,731 --> 00:13:20,431
GIRLS, JUST TELL YOUR MOM
YOU SAW THE CAT.
362
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:22,734
YOU KNOW
WHAT SHE'S CAPABLE OF.
363
00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:28,006
HEY, HON.
364
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,474
HAS THE MAIL COME YET?
365
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:32,277
I'M RUNNING A LITTLE LOW
ON BATHROOM LITERATURE.
366
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,645
CHECK IT FOR YOURSELF.
367
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,947
WHOA.
368
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,016
SOMEBODY WENT POSTAL
ON OUR MAILBOX?
369
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,450
YEAH.
370
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,753
SOMEBODY KNOCKED IT OFF THE POST
LAST NIGHT.
371
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:44,255
YOU KNOW, HONEY, I THINK
ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS IS
TRYING TO SEND ME A MESSAGE.
372
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,591
SEND YOU A MESSAGE
OVER A MISSING CAT?
373
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,427
LOOK, THE NEIGHBORHOOD HOSTILITY
TOWARD ME IS JUST GETTING WORSE.
374
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,029
OKAY, MRS. CONROY,
375
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,831
THAT OLD LADY WHO WEARS ALL
THOSE WEIRD CAT SWEATSHIRTS...
376
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:55,099
YEAH.
...JUST BROUGHT OVER
THESE BROWNIES.
377
00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:57,802
I'M AFRAID TO TRY THEM.
TELL ME IF THEY SMELL WEIRD.
378
00:13:57,804 --> 00:13:59,637
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
379
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,039
I'M NOT GONNA LIVE
IN FEAR OF BAKED GOODS.
IT'S JUST BROWNIES.
380
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:02,841
HAVE THE GIRLS TRY THEM.
381
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:05,844
BUT NOT EVE.
382
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,011
[ CHUCKLES ]
383
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,346
I JUST WOULD FEEL BETTER
384
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,547
IF I KNEW
WHO KNOCKED DOWN THAT MAILBOX.
385
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:12,116
WAIT A MINUTE.
386
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:13,818
I GOT AN IDEA.
387
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,387
UNFORTUNATELY, IT INVOLVES
MAKING NICE WITH LARABEE.
388
00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:19,057
GIVE ME THE BROWNIES.
389
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:27,999
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
390
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,234
AH. HELLO, BAXTER.
391
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,802
HEY, CHUCK.
392
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:34,639
BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE THING
FOR, UH...BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
393
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,407
BROWNIES.
394
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,343
VERY CLEVER.
395
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:41,379
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FINE LINE
BETWEEN OFFENSIVE AND CLEVER,
396
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,381
AND I THINK
I WALK IT PRETTY WELL.
397
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,817
NOT AS WELL AS YOU THINK.
398
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:49,087
SO, YOU STILL WORKED UP
ABOUT THE CAMERAS?
399
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,922
NO, NO, NO.
ACTUALLY...
400
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,657
I NEED A LITTLE FAVOR
WITH THE CAMERAS.
401
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,359
SOMEONE RAN INTO MY MAILBOX
LAST NIGHT,
402
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,427
AND I'D LIKE TO SEE
IF YOU GOT ANY FOOTAGE OF IT.
403
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,029
WELL, WELL, WELL.
404
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,732
FIRST, I'M BIG BROTHER.
NOW I'M THE BELLE OF THE BALL.
405
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,434
[ CHUCKLES ] THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
SOME BUTT-UGLY BALL IF YOU --
406
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,736
CAN I JUST
SEE THE FOOTAGE?
407
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,371
FINE.
ALL RIGHT.
408
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,840
BUT JUST BECAUSE I CARE
ABOUT NEIGHBORHOOD SECURITY
409
00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:11,676
AND I KNOW THE BROWNIES
ARE YOUR WAY OF APOLOGIZING.
410
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:12,911
YEAH, YOU GOT ME.
411
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:15,013
SO, WHERE'S
THE COMMAND CENTER?
412
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,047
RIGHT HERE.
413
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:17,782
YEAH!
414
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:20,585
EVERY 8-YEAR-OLD IN TOWN HAS
A COMMAND CENTER JUST LIKE THIS.
415
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,786
UH-HUH.
416
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:24,122
THE SHIRAZI FEED
FROM LAST NIGHT.
417
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,957
AFTER 12:00 MIDNIGHT.
OKAY.
418
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:28,192
HERE WE GO.
419
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:31,729
LOOKS LIKE A PRIUS HYBRID
PULLS UP AT 1:02 A.M.
420
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,031
YEAH,
JUST 'CAUSE IT SAVES GAS,
421
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,198
THEY THINK
THEY'RE ABOVE THE LAW, HUH?
422
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,366
MM-HMM.
423
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,101
BUT HE DIDN'T HIT
YOUR MAILBOX.
424
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,771
OOH. LOOKS LIKE MR. PRIUS
IS HITTING SOMETHING.
425
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,606
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
426
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,207
MY DAUGHTER MANDY.
427
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:44,742
OH. UH...YEAH.
428
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:46,377
AND THAT WASN'T KYLE,
WAS IT?
429
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,946
NO, IT WASN'T.
430
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:50,148
BUT WE STILL DON'T KNOW
WHO HIT YOUR MAILBOX.
431
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,884
UH, ISN'T THAT MRS. CONROY
IN THE CAT SWEATER?
432
00:15:52,886 --> 00:15:54,552
YEP. THERE SHE IS.
SHE'S DOWN THE STR--
433
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:55,553
WHOA!
434
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,221
WHOA! OH!
435
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:58,589
MAN.
436
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,258
OOOH!
437
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,559
OH!
438
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:04,162
YOU MAY NOT WANT TO EAT
THAT BROWNIE.
439
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:13,471
MIKE, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SURE
YOU SAW THEM KISS?
440
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,006
I MEAN, THIS ISN'T LIKE
THE TIME YOU SWORE
441
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,909
YOU SAW NANCY PELOSI RIFLING
THROUGH A DUMPSTER, IS IT?
442
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:21,145
PELOSI NEVER DENIED THAT.
443
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,680
AND, YES,
I RECOGNIZE OUR DAUGHTER.
444
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,682
IT WAS HER IN THE CAR
KISSING SOME DUDE.
445
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,184
THIS IS WHY
SHE WAS SO EAGER
446
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,752
TO GIVE KYLE THE WEEKEND OFF
FROM THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
447
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:29,354
SHE'S LIVING IT UP
IN OUR DRIVEWAY,
448
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:32,557
AND THAT POOR GUY IS STUCK
AT A BACHELOR PARTY IN VEGAS.
449
00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:39,263
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M EAGER TO DO?
FORGET ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.
450
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:40,865
MANDY HAS TO BE HONEST
WITH KYLE.
451
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,333
HONEY,
WE NEED TO TALK TO HER.
452
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,369
NO. WE NEED
TO STAY OUT OF THIS.
453
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,104
IF SHE IS OVER KYLE,
SHE NEEDS TO TELL HIM.
454
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,638
NO, SHE DOESN'T.
SHE --
455
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,774
MAYBE SHE'S MOVED ON
TO A GUY WITH MORE OF A FUTURE.
456
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:52,143
WHAT?! SHE COULDN'T SWING
A DEAD CAT
457
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,979
WITHOUT HITTING A GUY
WITH MORE OF A FUTURE.
458
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:58,349
WE COULD TEST IT OUT IF WE KNEW
WHERE YOU BURIED TIGGER.
459
00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,784
OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?
460
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,486
YOU KEEP IT UP,
AND YOU MIGHT JUST JOIN HIM.
461
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,887
I JUST THINK
THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS
462
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:04,122
THAT SHOULD REMAIN
PRIVATE.
463
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:09,594
Like that.
464
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,131
HI, KYLE.
WELCOME BACK.
465
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,733
I'VE BEEN COUNTING THE MINUTES
SINCE YOU LEFT,
466
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:20,905
WHICH HAS BEEN VERY HARD FOR ME
BECAUSE IT'S MATH.
467
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,974
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE COME.
I SAW THIS AMAZING SHOW.
468
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:24,208
YEAH?
469
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,710
THE DANCERS
ONLY HAD ON TIARAS.
470
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,378
WHOA.
471
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,480
BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM WRONG,
'CAUSE THEY WERE POODLES.
472
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,516
[ Laughing ] OH!
473
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:34,318
WELL, THOSE POODLES
ARE SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTERS.
474
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,822
YOU, UH -- YOU GET IN
ANY TROUBLE IN VEGAS, KYLE?
475
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,857
WELL, MY COUSIN AND HIS BUDDIES
WENT A LITTLE WILD,
476
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,392
BUT WHY GO TO CLUBS
477
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,995
WHEN YOU CAN WATCH FANCY DOGS
CRUSH A CONGA LINE?
478
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,265
WELL, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
WHILE YOU WERE GONE,
479
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,033
EXCEPT FOR MISS YOU.
480
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,568
KYLE,
WILL YOU BE A DEAR
481
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,770
AND GET ME A SODA
OUT OF THE FRIDGE IN THE GARAGE?
482
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,572
YEAH, OKAY.
483
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:58,409
[dear]
UH, FOR THE RECORD, A DEER
COULD NEVER FETCH A SODA.
484
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:01,145
WHAT YOU NEED AROUND HERE
ARE SOME POODLES.
485
00:18:03,348 --> 00:18:04,916
HONEY...
HMM?
486
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,517
I-IF YOU'RE HAVING
SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT KYLE,
487
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,952
YOU NEED TO BE
HONEST WITH HIM.
488
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,054
WHAT?
489
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:12,990
WELL, YOUR DAD SAW YOU
KISS THAT GUY IN THE PRIUS.
490
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:17,728
OH, MY GOD. YOU WERE LOOKING
OUT THE WINDOW, SPYING ON ME?
491
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,430
NO!
492
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:22,133
I WAS WATCHING A SURVEILLANCE
CAMERA AT LARABEE'S HOUSE.
493
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:25,236
SERIOUSLY, DAD, THIS IS
SO NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
494
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:26,537
RIGHT -- WASN'T.
495
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,607
BUT...
CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG NOW.
496
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:30,541
OH, GOD!
497
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:31,642
IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
498
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,277
THERE'S SO MANY OF THEM.
499
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,779
MANDY.
HONEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
500
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,714
NO. YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S SO UNFAIR THAT I LIVE HERE.
501
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,816
MY FRIENDS ON CAMPUS
GET AWAY WITH WAY WORSE STUFF,
502
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,818
AND THEIR PARENTS
NEVER HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
503
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,453
I WANT TO BE
ONE OF THOSE KIND OF PARENTS.
504
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,821
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE?
505
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,556
IT'S NOT THE WORST THING
IN THE WORLD, OKAY?
506
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,391
YOU'RE NOT MARRIED,
Y-YOU'RE NOT ENGAGED,
507
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,960
AND IT WAS JUST A KISS.
508
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:52,130
RIGHT? IT WAS --
WAS JUST A KISS, RIGHT?
509
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:53,264
HERE YOU ARE.
510
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,799
AH. KYLE.
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
511
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,334
I-I ACTUALLY WANTED
A CREAM SODA.
512
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,002
UH, I THINK
THERE'S ONE IN THE FRIDGE
513
00:18:58,004 --> 00:18:59,337
WAY, WAY, WAY
IN THE BACK.
514
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,005
OH.
WISH YOU'D TOLD ME.
515
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,508
I'M NOT A MIND READER.
516
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:07,245
UNLIKE THAT BULLDOG
WITH THE CRYSTAL BALL.
517
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,013
MANDY, HONEY,
WHAT IS GOING ON?
518
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,014
NOTHING.
519
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,015
MANDY, COME ON.
520
00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,483
OKAY.
521
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,319
THERE WAS THIS FASHION EXHIBIT
AT THE ART MUSEUM,
522
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,455
AND THIS GUY IN MY CLASS
ASKED ME OUT,
523
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:20,291
AND I-I FIGURED
THAT ONE DATE COULDN'T HURT,
524
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,793
ESPECIALLY IF KYLE WAS
GETTING THE SAME DEAL.
525
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,096
I WAS JUST...CURIOUS.
526
00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:27,165
CURIOUS, HUH?
527
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,400
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
CURIOSITY KILLED?
528
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:36,474
I ENDED UP THINKING ABOUT KYLE
THE WHOLE TIME ANYWAY,
529
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,609
EVEN WHEN
THAT DUDE WAS KISSING ME.
530
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:41,712
WELL, YOU WENT OUT WITH A GUY
FROM THE FASHION CLASS.
531
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,582
HE WAS PROBABLY
THINKING ABOUT KYLE, TOO.
532
00:19:45,817 --> 00:19:47,518
BUT THAT GUY,
HE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME.
533
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,487
I JUST HOPE THAT I HAVEN'T
SCREWED EVERYTHING UP.
534
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:51,522
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I THINK WE ALL
KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
535
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,191
YEAH, I DO.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM.
ABSOLUTELY.
536
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:55,126
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
OH. OH. NO, I KNOW.
537
00:19:55,128 --> 00:19:56,561
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING --
NO, YEAH, NO.
538
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:57,995
YOUR IDEA IS TO PRETEND
IT NEVER HAPPENED
539
00:19:57,997 --> 00:19:59,330
AND JUST FORGET ABOUT IT --
IS THAT IT?
540
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:00,798
WHAT'S THE GOOD
OF HER TELLING HIM?
541
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,533
MAKES HER FEEL BETTER
AND HE FEELS HORRIBLE.
542
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,402
HE'S A DEPRESSED GUY
WALKING AROUND MY STORE.
543
00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:06,470
WE HAVE GUNS THERE.
544
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:10,675
DAD, IF I DON'T TELL KYLE,
I'M GONNA FEEL HORRIBLE.
545
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:13,077
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD.
546
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:17,348
HEY, MRS. B.
I COULDN'T FIND A CREAM SODA.
547
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,716
YEAH, UH, DON'T WORRY.
548
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,651
IT'S, UH --
IT'S TIME FOR WINE ANYWAY.
549
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,753
KYLE, I NEED
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
550
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:23,821
YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
551
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:26,824
UM...
552
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,194
[ CHUCKLES ]
553
00:20:30,196 --> 00:20:31,395
I LOVE YOU.
554
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,431
DON'T EVER GO AWAY
AGAIN.
555
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:34,899
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
556
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,601
WELL, I'M NOT GOING BACK
TO VEGAS ANYTIME SOON.
557
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:37,835
GOOD.
558
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,770
OH, AND I, UH,
LOST THAT 20 BUCKS
559
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,439
YOU ASKED ME
TO BET FOR YOU.
560
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,107
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.
561
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:44,942
OH, NO,
I-I DIDN'T LOSE IT LIKE THAT.
562
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,711
I DROPPED IT
RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.
563
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:48,012
WHAT?
564
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:49,780
YEAH, I'M GOING
IN THIS CASINO --
565
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,449
A VOLCANO ERUPTED.
566
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:58,623
YEAH, I GRABBED A COUPLE
LITTLE KIDS AND TOOK OFF.
42024
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