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EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #073 Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK: Becoming manager of the football team

had its perks.

I wasn't exactly part of the cool crowd,

but I did get to be around them.

Hey, yo, Chris, this milk smells funny.

Taste this, and tell me if it's spoiled.

Yeah, it's spoiled.

Yeah, I thought so.

Anyway, like I was saying.

Taimak is gonna be the next Bruce Lee.

Taimak?

You mean Taimak from The Last Dragon? That Taimak?

No, Taimak from CNN.

Yeah, that's right.

I love that movie.

After The Last Dragon, karate became

more popular in the ghetto than poverty.

Everybody was doing it.

Boys were doing karate.

Girls were doing it.

GIRLS: Yah!

(karate yells)

Even old people were doing it.

(karate yells)

He's not doing karate-- he's just crazy.

Hey, we're going to see a midnight show in Times Square.

You can come if you want.

No, I can't.

Midnight?

Yeah, what's the matter?

Past your bedtime?

Yes!

(laughing)

Nah. I just... I just had this party

I was supposed to go to, but...

you know, I guess I can skip that.

All right, cool.

We'll see you there.

Not at midnight you won't.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Wow, I can't believe you're going to go to see

The Last Dragon with Dickerson and his crew.

You are so in there. No, Greg, I'm not

My parents aren't gonna let me see a midnight movie.

Then why'd you say yes?

Because I didn't want to look like some punk

who can't get out of the house past 9:00.

But since you are, what are you gonna

tell them after you don't show up?

That I got sent to jail for killing my nerdy white friend?

While I was planning a good excuse.

My dad was planning my mom's anniversary.

What's up, everybody? Hey, hey, youngblood.

Where's Manny?

He's opening another shop, in Detroit.

When did you start cutting hair?

When we were kids everybody in our house had a job.

Ryan was the barber.

Yeah. So, Julius, where

are you taking Rochelle for her anniversary tonight?

We're going to see Show Dogs on Broadway.

Show Dogs? What's that about?

It's only the most extravagant musical

ever to come to the United States from a foreign shore.

It's a high-voltage spectacle of song and dance!

ALL: Ooh...

Is that all?

No, girl. We're gonna have dinner at Domaine et Mer,

and we're spending a night

at the Times Square Regency Hotel.

Ooh, a hotel. Not a motel.

Oh, no, I don't do outside hallways.

(laughs) Oh, that sounds good.

I was married once.

For our anniversary, he took me to a Knicks game.

I broke up with him at halftime.

And ended up going home with Bernard King.

Between this hair and my Armando Vermani bag,

I don't think I'm-a be able to stand myself.

(snapping fingers) Ooh, ooh.

While my mom was gearing up to go out,

I was bailing out to stay in.

Hey, Dickerson, I can't make it to that movie tonight.

It's my cousin's birthday

and she's really counting on me to be at the party.

All right, man, but you're missing out.

Next time.

Yeah, maybe.

And maybe I'll never get invited out again.

All right, well, I hope you feel better.

Get some rest.

Who was that?

Gloria. She got a fever.

She won't be able to watch the kids tonight.

What? Oh baby. I can't believe this.

That was $150 worth of show tickets.

Uh-oh. She's about to do a dramatic head turn.

Told you.

Show tickets?

What about our anniversary?

Well, that's what I meant.

We won't be able to use those $150 worth of show tickets

to celebrate our anniversary.

Sidney Poitier had nothing

on my father's acting abilities.

And the award for "Best Husband

"Acting Like He Was Sad About Not Going Out

"On His Anniversary When He Was Actually Upset

About Losing His Money" goes to...

Julius!

(cheers, applause)

Julius, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong?

I thought you guys were going out.

The sitter canceled, and my anniversary is ruined.

Other than that, everything is fine.

If this was a cartoon,

you'd see a lightbulb appear above my head.

I can watch Drew and Tonya,

and you and Dad can still go out.

Chris, this is not for a few hours; it'll be all night.

Ma, I can handle it.

Well, what if Drew gets a fever?

I'll call a doctor.

What if Tonya sets something on fire?

I'll call the Fire Department.

What if somebody tries to break in?

I'll call the police.

What if you get attacked by ghosts?

I'll call Ghostbusters.

Ma, I can do it.

I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this

and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.

And the award for "Best Kid Pretending

"Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary

"When He Really Wants To Get Out Of The House

"So He Can Sneak Out And Do

Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing"

goes to... Chris!

(cheers, applause)

Chris, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh... Thank you, Chris.

(smooches)

I'm gonna go get ready.

That left only one thing for me to do.

Hey, Dickerson.

Yeah, good news; the party got cancelled,

I'll see you guys at the movies.

Hey, who's this? Who's on the line?

It's Chris... the football team manager.

From Tattaglia.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

While my parents got ready for their big night out,

I got ready for my big sneak-out.

Hey, Drew, Tonya-- Chris is in charge.

I want y'all to be on your best behavior.

If Chris accidentally catches on fire,

jumps out a window to fan out the flames

and falls to his death, is he still in charge?

No, then Drew is in charge.

Boy, what are you doing?

I'm gonna get on That's Incredible

by using my psychic powers

to bend this spoon.

Not with my good silver you're not.

Go mind-bend a spork or something.

Chris, you know what to do.

Yeah, I got everything covered.

I got all the emergency numbers--

Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI,

CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.

In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Bye. All right...

Bye. ...we'll be back in the morning.

While my parents were at the play,

I was getting ready to make a play.

That's not incredible, that's just stupid.

She sleeps like an angel but acts like the Devil.

(indistinct chatter)

I love you, baby.

This is going to be the best anniversary ever.

I know. (chuckles)

(dog barks, Julius yells)

(audience gasping)

(Rochelle gasps)

Hey, um, no, no, I--

No, hey--

He was-- he was-- he's okay.

I'm so embarrassed.

While my father had stopped the show before it started,

I was starting to think Dickerson was a no-show.

Chris?

Chris.

The idle sister is the Devil's workshop.

Even though nobody showed,

I figured since I was out, I may as well go in.

Forget this.

(gunshots, yelling)

That's what happens when you talk over the trailer

for Three Men and a Baby.

The next day, I pulled a Robert Blake

and tried to forget all about the shooting.

Make sure it's tight, Tonya.

Isn't this how Houdini died?

No, Houdini died from secondary peritonitis

due to a ruptured spleen from being punched in the stomach.

Hey, kids. Hi.

DREW & TONYA: Mom, Dad.

Oh...

Hi, baby.

So... Chris,

how did it go?

Great, fine, never been better,

smooth as silk.

With a bullet hole in it.

So how was the play? Well, we never saw it

because we got kicked out

because your dad knocked out one of the actors.

You knocked out one of the dogs?

He snuck up on me.

You were in a theater,

not an alley.

Hey, look at this. A guy got shot

last night right down the street

from where you guys saw the play.

Oh... too bad we didn't go see a movie.

Maybe your dad could have knocked out the shooter.

Did they catch the guy who did it?

Nope.

How do you get shot in a movie theater

and not have any witnesses?

Because nobody wants to be a snitch, that's why.

What do you mean?

In the early days in the black communities,

people enjoyed telling on each other. (siren wailing)

You couldn't do anything without getting caught.

(brakes screeching)

Who did this?

He did.

(spectators gasping)

Thousands of criminals were sent to jail

by law-abiding citizens.

Thanks.

No problem.

It wasn't until those people got out of jail

and started killing the people that sent them there...

(two gunshots, body thuds) ...that snitching got a bad rep.

(siren wailing)

(brakes screeching)

Who did this?

I don't know.

Wasn't me.

MAN: I didn't see nothing.

When dinner was finished, Tonya was just getting started.

I know what you did.

Words no man ever wants to hear a woman say.

What?

What did I do? You know.

You snuck out of the house last night.

Prove it.

Busted.

(sighs)

Okay, how much do you want?

$50.

$50?! That's my whole week's pay.

It's either that or Momma's going

to smack the sneak out of you.

Fine.

(gasps)

How long was that?

Two minutes and 15 seconds.

Dang.

I was getting found out at home

and finding out things at school.

Hey, Chris.

What happened at the movies Friday night?

We couldn't make it, but I heard somebody got shot.

Somebody got shot?

Yeah.

Oh, well,

I wouldn't know, 'cause...

I didn't go.

Hold up-- you stood us up?

But you just said that you didn't go.

It don't matter-- if we invite you someplace

we expect you to show up.

That's just rude, man.

Sorry.

Too bad we didn't go.

If we had seen that shooting,

we'd be collecting that reward money right now.

Reward money?

Yeah.

The cops are offering a thousand dollars

to anybody who can identify the shooter.

Thousand dollars?

What are you, a parrot? A parrot?

Yeah, every time I say something, you say it? I say it?

Anyway, I'll catch you later.

Catch you later.

Don't stand us up again.

In the meantime, the silent treatment

was ringing in my father's ears.

Oh, come on, honey.

It's been three days.

How long you gonna keep giving me the silent treatment?

You ruined my anniversary--

I'd say about a year.

He'd like to go for two.

Why is it always my responsibility

to make sure the anniversary is good

while you get to sit back and complain?

I spent money on dinner, tickets,

a hotel, and what do I get?

$250 worth of angry stare.

Nowadays that stare costs over a thousand.

Okay, Mr. Hurt Feelings,

exactly what is it that you want me to do?

ROCHELLE: Happy anniversary!

The J Beauties again?!

Have fun, baby-- I'll see you tomorrow.

Hi.

Now, you just had to push it, didn't you?

My mother didn't even want my father's dreams

to run off with a white woman.

Back at school, I was wondering how to collect

a thousand dollars without collecting a bullet in my back.

You can't do it, man-- you have any idea

what they do to snitches in the joint? Do you?

Yeah, I do-- my Aunt Patricia told me.

Your Aunt Patricia was in jail?

Yeah, but that was when she was still my Uncle Pat.

Trust me, dude, you do not want to snitch.

I don't know, man, I got to do something.

There's a thousand dollars with my name on it.

Whatever you do, don't include me.

And if anybody asks, this conversation never happened.

To get that cold, hard cash,

I needed someone to take the heat.

So, all I got to do is go into the police station,

give a description of the guy,

they give me a thousand dollars, and I could keep half?

Right. No, thanks.

I ain't trying to be no snitch. Oh, no, no, no.

See, you're not snitching,

I'm snitching.

You're just collecting the snitch money.

Hmm...

Okay, I'll do it-- but don't tell nobody.

What you think I am, a snitch?

Yes.

Hey.

You got the money? They said I get it as soon as they arrest the guy.

So, you told them about the red shirt

and two-tone shoes and the stingy brim hat? Yep.

It was either a black guy or Justin Timberlake.

Then I picked him out of a lineup.

You did what?! I picked him out of a lineup.

You never saw him-- what if you picked the wrong guy?

Hey, it happens to me all the time.

Hold it right there.

You're under arrest. Wha... Wha... What?

Falsifying a police report, obstruction of justice.

Back then police still cared

about arresting the right person.

At the barbershop, rumors about Jerome were spreading

faster than Britney Spears for the paparazzi.

Cannot believe Jerome snitched.

Ain't nothing they hate more in jail than a snitch.

There's a few things they hate more,

but let's say snitching's in the top five.

Man, I know a dude that committed suicide,

didn't leave a note, 'cause he didn't want to be a snitch.

Is it really that bad in there?

Nah, prison is fun. You guys don't think they'll kill him, do you?

(others murmuring)

Don't look at me!

I don't know nothing.

Back home, my father hoped some special treatment

would end the silent treatment.

Julius, what the heck are you doing here in the dark?

(soft music plays) I'm giving you your anniversary back.

(sighs) Julius, this is amazing.

You did all of this for me?

And there's more.

I got you two tickets to Show Dog tonight.

I have to work, but you can take Vanessa.

Well, what about the kids?

Chris stayed with them the other night.

He could take care of them again.

Oh, baby, this is the best make-up anniversary ever.

Translation:

you blew it once, don't let it happen again.

My father was out of the doghouse,

(phone ringing) but Jerome was still stuck in the big house.

Hello?

Little dude from across the street?

Jerome? Yo, you got to get me out of here, man.

People think I'm a snitch.

And how am I supposed to do that?

I ain't no snitch,

so even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you.

All I know is I'm in here because of you,

so either we both gonna be out or we both gonna be in.

You decide.

I had to sneak out of the house,

but as always, one little thing stood in my way.

Tonya.

What?

I have to go out, and I don't want you to tell.

How much? Ten dollars,

plus you do laundry on my next turn.

Deal.

Down at the police station,

I needed to get Jerome out

without getting myself thrown in.

What can I do for you, son?

I got a question. How can I get someone out

of jail who shouldn't be in jail?

Two ways.

You got to post bail or they got to be innocent.

Well, what if they're in jail

for giving information that was wrong.

Well, then bring us the person

with the information that's right.

You mean a snitch?

I like to call them "the law's little helpers."

Is there something you want to tell me?

I had run out of options.

The only way to get Jerome out of that dirty jail

was to come clean.

Okay.

Meanwhile, my mother celebrated her anniversary

the way my father dreamed it Thank you.

with Vanessa. Ooh, it's about to start.

Okay, ooh, ooh.

(barks)

Ooh! Damn it!

Vanessa! I-I know...

And that's why black people hate Broadway.

What y'all looking at?

After trying to not snitch on someone else,

I had to finally snitch on myself.

Man! Little dude!

Am I glad to see you.

You're lucky your story checked out, son.

Your friend could've gotten hurt in there.

You guys would have protected him, right?

No.

And don't try

running games on us again.

We do this stuff for a living.

Am I going to jail?

You seem like a decent kid and there was no real harm done...

Besides that guy that got shot.

...so we're gonna forget this happened.

Now you, you seem like a criminal.

That's because he is.

But we're gonna let you go, too.

He'll be back.

You're lucky we got bigger fish to fry.

Now, don't you knuckleheads let me catch you

doing anything like this again.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Little dude, you snitched?

Yeah. Thanks.

That day I learned people don't like it

when a snitch puts them in jail,

but they sure don't mind it

when a snitch gets them out.

That week my mother got another surprise.

Hello, ma'am.

Yes, can I help you?

You must be Chris's mom.

Uh, may I come in?

Sure.

As I'm sure you're aware,

last Friday at the midnight movies,

Chris was a witness to a shooting.

He was? Yes.

And the valuable information he gave us

led us to the arrest of the perpetrator.

Wait, hold on.

Last Friday? At midnight?

Yes. You didn't know?

No. Well,

anyway, I'm just here

to personally deliver this reward of $1,000

and to thank him. Is he around?

He's around.

But I'm not sure how much longer.

Officer, thank you so much for coming by.

I'll be sure that he gets this.

Of course.

Thank you for your time. Mm-hmm.

If you don't mind me asking...

What in the world is he doing?

Well, he's trying to get on That's Incredible.

Son, I hate to be the one to tell you this,

but That's Incredible has been off the air

for two years now.

They're called reruns.

The only thing that hurt more than Drew's feet

was my sore behind after my mom gave me a whoopin'.

But the next day, I was just glad everything was behind me.

Yo, little dude from across the street.

I heard they caught the shooter

and you got paid.

I did my part, so where's my $500?

My mom took it.

You can ask her for it.

Nah, nah, man.

My deal was with you.

Well, I don't have it.

Well, then looks like

you're just gonna have to give me a dollar a day

for the next...

* Can you see them?

* See right through them...

500 days?

I was gonna say 50.

Well, that's what you get for snitching.

Now, let me hold a dollar.

* Our lips are sealed.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org