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1
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:23,600
REMOTE BEEPS, WHIRRING
2
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,800
PHONE RINGS
3
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:33,440
Sally, hi. OK, they can squeeze you
in for a Zoom audition at 5:30.
4
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,080
And I'm playing
the part of a goblin?
5
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:38,080
Yes. No, hold on, they've specified
troll.
6
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,480
What's the difference? Well,
trolls are bigger,
7
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,320
more horrible looking and stupid.
8
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,320
Right, you've made your point.
Pep talk done.
9
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:47,400
OK, Richard, I'm going to end this
call now, because I want to.
10
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,040
OK, thanks, bye.
11
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,480
REMOTE BEEPS
12
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,720
Oh, for the love of God!
13
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,560
Richard!
14
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,880
REMOTE BEEPS
15
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:15,880
Richard!
16
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,440
Richard!
17
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:28,880
Ah.
18
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,480
You appear to have turned yourself
into a capital V again.
19
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,200
Would you like some help with that?
20
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,760
Yes, please, if you wouldn't mind.
21
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,880
REMOTE BEEPS
22
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,200
This is going to happen every day.
Let's just book a flight
23
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,040
to Switzerland now!
24
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,280
Well, let's have breakfast first,
25
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,720
and then we can look into how
much tickets cost.
26
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,640
Oh!
27
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,440
That is cold.
28
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,240
Yeah, because it's currently
defrosting.
29
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,200
Oh. So, what about this one?
30
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,200
Tell me what this one does.
31
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,240
That's for the TV. No.
32
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,000
That's for the TV. Mm.
33
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,760
That's sorted.
34
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,120
What about this one?
35
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,000
What does that one do?
36
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,880
I don't know.
37
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,360
That's why I'm asking you.
38
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,840
Could be, er, hi-fi?
39
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,560
No, no.
40
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,760
We've done the hi-fi already.
41
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,440
Then why are you asking me?
42
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,000
Because I'm talking about this one.
43
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,320
What does that one do?
44
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,400
I don't know. Could be any number
of things, couldn't it?
45
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,480
What do you think's happening here?
It's stumped you as well, has it?
46
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,960
Just nipping out for a walk, Dad.
47
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,800
Who? What?
48
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,240
Eh?
49
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,720
Good chat. Er, call if you need
anything.
50
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,280
Uh-huh.
51
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,400
Are you OK there,
staring at the wall?
52
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,840
Yes, yes, yes.
53
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,360
You don't want the TV on, or...?
54
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,840
No, no, no.
55
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,240
So you're just going to sit
there like there's been a gas leak?
56
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,360
I worked all my life to be
able to sit here
57
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,240
as if there's been a gas leak.
58
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,680
Maybe...
59
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,320
..you should think about getting out
the house a bit more.
60
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:37,600
You know, reconnect with the
community, old friends.
61
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,640
You'd be happier.
62
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,000
I'd be happier.
Why are you not happy?
63
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,440
We're talking about you here.
64
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,120
And that makes you unhappy?
Well, right now, yes.
65
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,600
You can't let the rest of your life
just pass you by.
66
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,280
You're still young. I'm 74!
67
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,480
Aye, but you're not 94.
68
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,800
All I'm saying is there must be
something else you could do
69
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,640
with your day.
70
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,040
I mean, there's a whole wide...
71
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,800
..Forres out there.
72
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,360
Well, I could maybe...
73
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,480
Actually, forget it. No, no, no.
Go on, then.
74
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,920
I'll take you anywhere, Dad.
75
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,800
Well, there is a thing on
up the golf club today.
76
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,240
I'm not taking you there.
77
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,480
Why not? Because it's full of snobs.
78
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,200
You know they only let women
play on a Monday?
79
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,400
Not any more. Oh, have they taken
that day off them as well,
80
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,920
have they? Oh!
81
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,000
See, your mother and I used to
quite like going up the golf club.
82
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,680
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
I'll just sit here.
83
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,680
That's what I was going to do
anyway, isn't it?
84
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,120
Right, all right.
85
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,040
If that's where you want to go,
I'll drive you.
86
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,680
Really?
87
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,040
OK, I've just got to make a quick
wee phone call.
88
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,840
Oh, for heaven's sake,
you took that corner a wee bit fast.
89
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,880
This is a hire car.
You want to watch.
90
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,400
I know it is. I hired it.
91
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,320
You don't want to lose your deposit.
92
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,840
You can't park here!
93
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,720
What? Why?
Because this is Crawford's space.
94
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,840
He doesn't like people
parking in his space.
95
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,640
Crawford Montgomery.
Why has that twat got his own space?
96
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,720
I think you mean twit.
No, I mean twat.
97
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,640
He's the club chairman, Richard.
98
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,440
I suppose that job chooses you
with a name like Crawford.
99
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,640
Eh? I'm not moving the car.
100
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,080
But what did you say before that?
Och, it doesn't matter.
101
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,200
I was just saying... Eh?
Can I say it once
102
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,160
before you ask me to repeat it?
I don't actually know
103
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,240
what you're saying.
I'm not saying anything!
104
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,280
Eh?
HORN BLARES
105
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,880
That's somebody tooting you now.
106
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:38,280
Look, just try and have fun today,
right?
107
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,960
I'll pick you up later.
108
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,240
CAR APPROACHES
Are you not coming in with me?
109
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,120
Oh, look.
110
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,760
That's Crawford now.
111
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,120
Hello there, Crawford.
112
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,560
I'm sorry about this.
113
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,600
Classic Kenneth.
114
00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,600
That's all right. I think
the BMW will be fine here for today.
115
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,640
I see you're driving the Sportage.
116
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,200
I've just upgraded from that.
117
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,440
Yes, my son's actually
just hired it.
118
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,120
Oh, yes, the pretend doctor.
119
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,040
I don't think we've any dead
bodies for you to examine today.
120
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,040
Yeah? Give it time.
121
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,040
Any exciting roles on the horizon?
122
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,880
Yes, he's actually up for the part
of a troll.
123
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,400
Don't tell him that!
124
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:26,400
You know, I can't help but notice
your shoes there, Kenneth.
125
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,040
They're a bit mud covered,
are they not?
126
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,240
You know what the club
handbook says about that?
127
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,200
Page seven, section four.
128
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,760
I'm sorry about that, Crawford.
129
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,960
A golfer must be impeccably
turned out at all times.
130
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,440
I live my life by three tenets -
131
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:44,000
unwrinkled collar shirt,
creased trousers and shined shoes,
132
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,800
and it's never let me down yet.
133
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,600
Now, you remember where the hose is.
134
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,720
Yes. Of course you do.
135
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,920
You're the only one that ever
needs to use it.
136
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,080
We call it Kenneth.
137
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,880
Definitely not a twit.
138
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,080
LAUGHTER
139
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,680
Actually, I will come in with you,
140
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,640
just to get you settled. Great.
141
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:18,000
You get my clubs and I'll go
and clean my shoes.
142
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,920
LAUGHTER
143
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,000
There we are, that's me.
144
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,880
All done. Oh!
145
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,920
DAD SIGHS
146
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,960
Are you all right?
147
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,840
Your mother used to be
the social one, you know?
148
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,240
I don't actually know what to say
to these people without her.
149
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:52,680
I mean, the place is
full of sort of lawyers and bankers
150
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,400
and high-ups,
151
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,960
and what am I, hey?
I'm just a train conductor.
152
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,920
You're not JUST a train conductor.
153
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,400
You've as much right to be
in there as they do.
154
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,480
Right? Come on.
155
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,360
OK.
156
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,120
Welcome to hell.
157
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,880
INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
158
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,200
Jesus, it's like a Rupert The Bear
convention.
159
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,400
BAR FALLS SILENT
160
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,280
PEOPLE WHISPERING
161
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,840
What's going on?
162
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,200
I have no idea.
163
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,760
Gentleman, you are disrespecting
the club crest!
164
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,440
Why's it on the floor, then?
165
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,640
Sorry about that, Crawford.
166
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,800
Stop apologising to him.
167
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,720
Jeez, this place, man.
168
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,360
See anyone you know?
169
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,560
Oh, Roger, how's it...?
170
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,200
Oh, there's Simon. Simon, I haven't
seen you in...
171
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,080
..ages.
172
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,960
Must be hard of hearing.
173
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,400
Eh?
174
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,360
Dr Sparrow!
175
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,800
Jen, Ian, what are you doing here?
176
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,720
Well, you know Winnie Haverson?
177
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,320
Aye, caterer Winnie?
Caterer Winnie, aye.
178
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,400
Well, she was meant to be
doing this tournament,
179
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,400
but her dog died last night.
180
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,000
Isn't it marvellous, Richard?
181
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,360
We've been looking for a way into
the catering game in this town
182
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,920
for years, and here we are.
183
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,240
We didn't kill the dog.
184
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,080
No! Although I suppose if we did,
that's exactly what we'd say.
185
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:32,280
THEY LAUGH
Yeah, but we didn't.
186
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,880
Ah, very aware it's
sounding like we did kill the dog.
187
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,080
You're picking up on that as well,
are you?
188
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,520
Hold on, did you say tournament?
189
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,480
CRAWFORD: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Green Firs Golf Club,
190
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,280
and to the annual
Club Husband and Wife Tournament.
191
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,400
APPLAUSE
192
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,440
I know what you're going to say,
193
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,160
but I need a wife to play
in the tournament,
194
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,360
and don't worry,
I've made a phone call,
195
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,840
it's all above board,
and you're one of the wives.
196
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,000
You're just a caddy. I mean,
you don't even have to play.
197
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,000
I am not walking about this golf
course pretending to be my mum!
198
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:08,360
I'm not asking you to put on one
of her dresses and wear make-up,
199
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,000
unless you want to do that,
200
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,360
because, might I remind you,
this was all your idea.
201
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,960
In what world was this my idea?
202
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:18,360
I was quite happy
sitting on the couch.
203
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,280
You were the one that says,
"Come on,
204
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,320
"you'd better get back
into the community."
205
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,600
Aye, but I didn't mean with me.
206
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,040
I've got an audition.
207
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,480
We'll be done by then.
208
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,160
OK, well, all that remains
is the traditional photograph
209
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,880
of our lovely, lovely caddies.
210
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,240
So if you'd all like to gather
yourselves at the front here,
211
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,880
ladies, we'll get that taken.
212
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,760
Aw, that's lovely, isn't it, eh?
213
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,640
On you go.
214
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,080
What?
215
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,800
You're a wife.
216
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,560
On you go. You've got to be
out of your mind.
217
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,360
Is that everyone?
No, got a straggler here, Crawford.
218
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,840
Dad! Oh, yes.
219
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,360
Our honorary wife for the day.
220
00:10:55,360 --> 00:11:00,560
You'll recognise him of course as
Dr Sparrow from Detective Manners.
221
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,240
CROWD: Ooh!
222
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,480
Yes, it's Forres's own
Richard Pritchard.
223
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,240
I... Actually, I need to speak
to my agent
224
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,960
about image rights
before you take the photo.
225
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,000
Oh, methinks the lady doth
protest too much.
226
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,240
Don't be shy...madam.
227
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,560
That's it.
228
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,920
OK, everyone, to me.
229
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,200
Right, how about a little fun one
now,
230
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,960
to show that we here at Green Firs
aren't afraid
231
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,800
to kick up one's heels? I know!
232
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,240
# All the single ladies
233
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,600
# All the single ladies
All the single ladies
234
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,040
# All the single ladies... #
That's it.
235
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:38,080
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh... #
236
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,480
Shake your booty.
237
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,400
# If you like it, then you should
have put a ring on it... #
238
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,080
The dancing doctor.
# ..a ring on it
239
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,720
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... #
240
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,520
Put a ring on it, Richard.
241
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,920
# If you like it, then you should
have put a ring on it... #
242
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,960
INDISTINCT CHATTER
243
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:57,200
Your mother always wanted her
name up there.
244
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,840
I wish I could have won it for her.
245
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:03,000
Was that a flying pig
that just went by, Kenneth?
246
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,360
Was that a woman in the gentlemen's
bar, Crawford, there?
247
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,840
Where?
248
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,440
Kenny boy. Hello there, Rod.
249
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,640
Admiring the wall of glory, were we?
250
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:16,320
Just the 18 consecutive
tournament wins.
251
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,560
One more and I finally beat old
Mr and Mrs Ducky Willow's record,
252
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,800
and go down in club history.
253
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,680
You'll remember Elaine?
Say hello, darling.
254
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,840
Stop telling me what to do. Righto.
255
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,640
Don't even see why I have to be
here.
256
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,240
Well, you know why.
257
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,520
Remind me,
are you wife number four or five?
258
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,080
I'll let Rod answer that.
259
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,240
Elaine is my fifth wife.
260
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,120
Sixth! Sixth, I meant sixth!
261
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,480
Bugger! And that is the main reason
he's now looking for
262
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,080
wife number seven.
263
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,280
Elaine agreed to play with me
today
264
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,880
as long as I give up the villa
in Torremolinos
265
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,320
as part of the divorce settlement.
266
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,960
Club treasurer.
267
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,400
Club chairman.
268
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,800
I thought you gents might like to
know that you'll be facing off
269
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,720
against each other. Fantastic.
270
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,160
May the best neighbour win.
271
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,040
Club treasurer.
272
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,680
Club chairman.
273
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,920
That man knows exactly
how to push my buttons.
274
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,480
It should be me that's club chairman
here.
275
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,920
I mean, be honest,
he's ruined this place, huh?
276
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,280
Do you know, it was Crawford
who decided
277
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,120
to allow women to join this club?
278
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,680
Just the six failed marriages,
is it, Rod?
279
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,800
Hey! You know you're not allowed
pastry.
280
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,920
Oh, back for more, Maurice?
281
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,440
Actually just need to pop to the
loo, Ian.
282
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,280
Oh. Number one or number two?
283
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,880
Well, the latter.
284
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,640
Oh, well, don't let us
delay you a moment longer.
285
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,880
We were just reading about
the dangers of holding in
286
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,040
a number two in bed the other night,
weren't we, love?
287
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,160
Very, very frightening.
288
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,120
It can lead to faecal incontinence.
289
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:08,200
GURGLING
Faecal incontinence, Maurice.
290
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,760
Imagine such a thing.
291
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,040
Now, are you sure you won't have a
salmon puff for the journey?
292
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,960
HE WHIMPERS, STOMACH GURGLES
293
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,000
WOMAN: Oh, no!
GURGLING
294
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,840
Who's your food supplier?
295
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,680
Well, since the gig was
so last minute,
296
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,560
we just used up what was
left in the freezer.
297
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,920
Most of it was from 2017,
298
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,680
or was it 2007?
299
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,760
It was hard to tell, because some
of the numbers had rubbed away.
300
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:34,400
Yeah, yeah. We've got one of those
great big chest freezers, you know?
301
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,520
Huge, it is. I'm always saying to
Jen, we could fit a body in it.
302
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,360
Yeah! Or a dog!
303
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,200
Oh, you!
304
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,240
We didn't kill the dog.
305
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,120
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, excuse me, right.
306
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,000
Oh, that's my agent.
I's better take that.
307
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,920
Sally... Ah!
308
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,040
Hi.
309
00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,440
Who is this?
310
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,360
Richard. Hmm?
311
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,960
Pritchard. You called me.
312
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,560
Yes. Yes! Oh, yes.
313
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,080
The audition. Yes, sorry,
you didn't get it.
314
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,800
I haven't auditioned yet.
315
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,240
Ah... Oh, of course, yes.
316
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,000
Well, I'll call tomorrow to say
that.
317
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,240
Well, don't say that.
I might get the part.
318
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,240
Oh, wow. Yes, well, I never thought
of that!
319
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,800
Great, but you are going to send
the link, though, yeah?
320
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,000
Yep, yep.
Well, never mind. Chin up, Richard.
321
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080
I haven't auditioned yet!
322
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,120
LINE BEEPS
Hello?
323
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,080
We're up next, Kenny boy.
324
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,880
Oh, yes. Canape, Rod?
325
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,320
I won't, Ian.
326
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,320
I'm currently mid-intermittent fast.
327
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,000
SHE LAUGHS
328
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,800
That's very good!
329
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,560
Oh, there's one going spare.
330
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,680
Are you winding me up? Oh!
331
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:51,160
Match two, Strang versus Pritchard.
332
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,200
Your bag's on the tee box, Ken.
333
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,240
DAD CHUCKLES
334
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,400
"Your bag's on the tee box"
to you, too.
335
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,640
You'll need to move it, caddy.
336
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,080
It damages the turf.
337
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,120
Or we could agree that we're only
on this planet
338
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,320
for a short amount of time and have
a more devil-may-care attitude
339
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,960
towards the tee box.
340
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,600
OK, it was a long shot. Right.
341
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,520
You're still on the tee box.
What is a tee box?
342
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:37,960
Oh.
343
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,000
GOLF CLUB SWINGS, CROWD GROANS
344
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,760
There, now we can proceed.
345
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,360
I'm in the rough.
346
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,080
Right, well, onwards.
347
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,160
Hey, where are you going?
The flag's that way.
348
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,840
My ball's this way.
349
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,720
Oh, of course it is.
350
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,480
Two minutes down, Ken.
351
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,280
So that means you have one minute
352
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,800
before you have to declare your ball
is lost.
353
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,840
Yeah, we remember from you telling
us literally a minute ago, Rod.
354
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,440
Just keeping you right.
355
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,000
Right, what do you want to do? They
should just make golf balls bigger.
356
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,480
But then they wouldn't
fit in the hole.
357
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,080
Why am I getting involved?
Here, quickly goggle...
358
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,480
Google. That's it!
359
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,480
"How to find a golf ball."
360
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,040
Good thinking. But then we should
maybe have a backup plan
361
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,840
for when that definitely doesn't
work!
362
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,960
ROD SINGS COUNTDOWN THEME
363
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,720
Drop ball it is, Kenny boy.
364
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,800
That's a sand wedge.
365
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,360
I need my putter.
366
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:49,840
I'll get it, then.
367
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,040
PHONE BEEPS
368
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,760
Seriously?
369
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,400
One day as a dutiful wife,
370
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,360
that's all I'm asking for.
371
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,000
Chirpy, chirpy, cheep, cheep!
372
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,480
Oh-ho!
373
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,720
Do I hear the sound of a birdie?
374
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:25,440
First hole to me. So, do you want
to concede now or carry on?
375
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,160
Er, I think your wife's leaving you.
376
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,960
Oh, that's a bit much, Dad.
Low blow, Kenny boy.
377
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,880
Yeah, she is.
378
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,040
Look.
379
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,320
Elaine, where are you going to?
380
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,160
The divorce just came through,
so I'm off to MY villa
381
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,800
in Torremolinos.
Have a nice life, or not.
382
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,000
Actually, that one.
383
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,560
Ciao for now.
384
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,520
Elaine!
385
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,480
Elaine! Elaine!
386
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,360
ELAINE!
387
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,320
ELAINE! Hasta la vista!
388
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,000
I won't be back!
389
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,040
Well, then...
390
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,840
..that puts us in a bit of a pickle,
doesn't it?
391
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:10,760
I mean, technically, without a wife,
I should forfeit.
392
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,240
One win from the all-time record.
393
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,600
On the upside,
we're not too far from the car park.
394
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,240
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
395
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,480
We'll, er... We'll play on.
396
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,480
What? Why? We've got him beat.
397
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,160
I don't want to win like that.
398
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,800
I can beat him properly, Richard.
399
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,200
I can get our names on that wall.
400
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,880
I don't want my name on that wall.
DAD SIGHS
401
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,840
It's not actually your name
I'm talking about, son.
402
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,400
Is this about Mum?
403
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,400
So, what's it to be?
404
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,280
OK, then.
405
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,200
Let's do it.
406
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,120
Really? Mm.
407
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,760
You can beat him.
408
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,760
You will beat him.
409
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,680
All right, then.
410
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,960
We'll play on. Marvellous.
411
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,600
My bag's there.
412
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,360
I'm not caddying for you as well.
413
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,000
That's the rules, son.
414
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,600
Well, don't join in with him!
415
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,960
You'll be my sixth wife. Seventh.
416
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,520
Seventh. Dammit!
417
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,920
It's coming!
418
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,640
We're golfing here!
419
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,680
Argh!
420
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,360
Guys... Guys...
421
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,000
Keep up, Dicky boy!
422
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,360
Yes!
423
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,800
Again?!
424
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,280
Get to the bushes!
Get to the bushes!
425
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,320
Yes! Yes!
426
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,760
Yes!
427
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,240
Terrible time to lose your ball,
Roddy.
428
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,400
Thank you, Richard.
429
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,240
That's one minute down.
430
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,840
Yes, thank you, Richard.
431
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,800
Only two more minutes before you
have to declare the ball lost.
432
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,040
Thank you, Richard!
I know the rules of golf!
433
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,880
Oh, this is great.
434
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,520
18th hole and you're still in this.
435
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,160
What did you say?
436
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,880
PHONE VIBRATES
437
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,240
Sally, hi. Richard, I have just had
a call
438
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,320
from a casting director asking why
you are not at an audition!
439
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,640
Oh, erm...I just completely lost
track of time!
440
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,560
Oh, so you are still acting?
Well, good for you.
441
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,240
Don't let the naysayers win, eh?
442
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,080
Right. Right, good luck with your
career.
443
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,160
Where are you going?
Ah, coming to help?
444
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,240
Very sporting of you...
445
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,880
Righto.
446
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,640
LINE RINGS
447
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:14,000
Hi, Fran. I am so sorry I'm late.
448
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,400
It's fine. It's one of those days.
Things are a bit, "Ah!"
449
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,040
Yeah. Ah! I've had a similar kind
of day, actually.
450
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,640
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...
451
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,440
..shall we just do one? Erm, yeah.
452
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:27,320
Er, I just had a couple of questions
about the part.
453
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,960
About the troll with three lines?
454
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,240
Oh!
HE LAUGHS
455
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,080
No, no!
456
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,680
Shall we just go for one? Great.
457
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,960
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
458
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,800
We... Erm...
459
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,440
Sorry.
460
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,280
We have travelled many miles
from Afrakeen.
461
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,200
We want to help with this fight!
462
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,520
These are our mountains!
463
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,960
All right, Richie?
Do you want to see a dead squirrel?
464
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,840
Sorry, two seconds.
Digsy, what are you doing here?
465
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,160
Selling golf balls. There's loads
of them round here, eh?
466
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,320
I'm in the middle of an audition.
467
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,160
So is that a no on the squirrel?
468
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,760
That's a maybe later.
469
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,920
Great. Maybe see you later, then.
470
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,800
Sorry, what's happening here?
471
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,240
Erm, I-I don't know. Erm...
472
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,800
Maurice, are you all right, mate?
Ah, hello, Richard.
473
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,840
Yeah, fine.
474
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,680
Oh, all right, Maurice?
475
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,200
Nature calls, eh? Er, Richard...
476
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,080
Dad, can you just stand over there?
477
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,880
Are we playing golf, or what?
478
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,680
Let me get on with this. Maurice,
why are you doing that here?
479
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,000
Er, er, well, the toilets
in the clubhouse were...
480
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,040
..full!
FARTING AND SPLOSHING
481
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,440
From the top?
482
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,160
Anyway, you don't know you haven't
got it. Leave it.
483
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,840
I'll just tell them to start writing
my name on the wall now,
484
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,200
shall I, Ken? All right, Dad,
you're both on for birdies here,
485
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,000
so you've got to sink this,
otherwise he's putting for the win.
486
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,320
What?!
487
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,120
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
488
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:41,560
Ducky Willows, who are you?!
489
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,160
Ha-ha!
490
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,480
Unlucky, Kenny boy.
491
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,320
You put up a good fight,
but ultimately, not good enough.
492
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,480
Ah, never mind, Dad.
493
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,600
Mum would still be happy
and proud...
494
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,120
Well...
495
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:59,200
..not of everything that's happened
today, but still proud.
496
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,760
No, no, no, no, no.
497
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,240
Problem, club chairman?
498
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,760
I'm afraid you haven't won,
club treasurer.
499
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,600
No, no. No. You just saw me win.
500
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:11,880
There are 15 clubs in your bag,
501
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,520
one more than the regulation 14.
502
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,520
Page one, paragraph two
of the club handbook.
503
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,000
Impossible.
504
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:25,280
Elaine.
505
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,000
The final betrayal!
506
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,640
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of the Strang-Pritchard match,
507
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,040
and the only match that was able
to complete
508
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,920
due to an issue with the caterer...
509
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,600
Winnie. Winnie. Winnie Haverson.
Winnie Haverson. Yeah.
510
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,040
Winnie!
511
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,200
And so, by default, the winners
of the Green Firs
512
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,880
Husband And Wife Tournament
by disqualification,
513
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,760
Kenneth Pritchard...
514
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,440
..and his wife...
515
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,000
..Richard.
516
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,280
APPLAUSE
517
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,240
I thank you.
518
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,560
You haven't heard the last of this.
That'll be all, club treasurer.
519
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,120
No, but I... That'll be all!
520
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:07,680
Here.
521
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,880
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
522
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,040
Thank you.
523
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:22,560
Nice touch.
524
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,760
How did you manage to swing that?
525
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,680
"A tournament winner
may choose which name
526
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,560
"shall appear on the
winners' board."
527
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,240
Club handbook rule 401,
528
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,240
section 12,
529
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,560
page 33.
530
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,000
Ain't that right, Crawford?
531
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,320
Make sure you put an asterisk
next to it, please.
532
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:52,160
I'm sorry your audition
didn't go very well.
533
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,360
I can't help but feel
a wee bit responsible.
534
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,680
Yeah, that's because you were.
535
00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,760
It's fine, though.
536
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,440
I didn't really fancy playing a
troll for the next ten years anyway.
537
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,160
So, what's next?
538
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,680
Bowls club, bridge club,
539
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,160
staring-at-the-wall club?
540
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,320
Ooh, that sounds good.
541
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,360
YELLING AND SMASHING
542
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,960
How do you like this, then,
Crawford?!
543
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,160
I told you not to park there.
544
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:24,920
Argh! Oh!
545
00:27:24,970 --> 00:27:29,520
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