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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,000 PHONE RINGING 2 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,360 Yeah. Yeah, I've just arrived. 3 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,160 I should be with you in about 20 minutes. 4 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,840 Yeah. 5 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:46,680 Do you need into the iPad right now, or can it wait 20 minutes? 6 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,680 No? Well, have you tried the passcode? 7 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,600 It's 24-01-47. 8 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:54,920 Yeah, it Mum's birthday, it's the same. 9 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,040 Yeah, always the same. 10 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:59,160 No, it's probably just locked you out for five minutes. 11 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,280 I don't know, have a cup of tea? 12 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,920 Hello? Oh, and he's gone. 13 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,920 Richie, what are you doing back? 14 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,600 Hi, Digsy, how's life? Aye, no bad, mate. 15 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,320 Getting by, you know? But can't really talk right now. 16 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,240 Catch up with you in a bit, eh? Oi! No worries. 17 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,680 Stop! All right, Richie? Mike. 18 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,280 See you later, Richie! Take care, Richie. 19 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,160 Give back the meat! PHONE RINGING 20 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,800 Yes, Dad. 21 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,000 PHONE RINGING Dad, I'm 30 seconds away. 22 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,280 Yeah, you've taken the batteries out? 23 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,000 It doesn't take triple As. 24 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,360 Look, I'm literally walking up the path. 25 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,160 Oh, yes. Yeah, I see you. 26 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,160 That's you walking towards me. 27 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,560 And that's you, you're here. 28 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,200 Hi, Dad. Eh? 29 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,240 I just said hi. Hi, hello. 30 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,840 I'm telling you, this thing is definitely kaput! 31 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,560 Oh, I can see the problem. 32 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,560 Oh, so there is a problem now, Mr Expert? 33 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,080 It's not an iPad... 34 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,920 ..it's kitchen scales. 35 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,520 Correct. 36 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,240 Come on, you'd better get changed, otherwise we're going to be late. 37 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,000 Wait, late for what? 38 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,320 DAD HUMMING 39 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,800 Just to be clear, you never mentioned anything about a funeral. 40 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,240 I hardly knew Malcolm, he was your friend. 41 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,560 My friend? You've got to be joking. 42 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,320 I couldn't stand the man. 43 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,800 Then why are we here? 44 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,720 Well, it's a social contract, Richard. 45 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,080 You go to someone's funeral, they come to yours. 46 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,520 Well, not if they're dead. 47 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,400 Please be seated. 48 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,000 Will you look at that? 49 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,840 I mean, honestly, you toil all your life and what do they do? 50 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,040 They send you off in a fruit basket. 51 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,680 Promise me that when my time comes, 52 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,160 you'll make sure my coffin is fully waterproof. 53 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,080 Yeah, I think being waterproof 54 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,640 is going to be the least of your worries. 55 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,400 And I want a good Catholic service. 56 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,720 What about hymns? Dates? 57 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,360 March works for me. 58 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:12,640 Oh, I see. 59 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,120 My demise is funny to you now, is it? 60 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,760 No, but since we're on the subject, how come I'm not Catholic? 61 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,240 I mean, you and Mum were. 62 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,800 Well, er... 63 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,960 ..when you were born, the nearest church to where we lived 64 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:28,560 was Protestant, so it just seemed to make a lot of sense at the time. 65 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,120 So if we'd lived next to a mosque, I'd be Muslim? 66 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,360 What have you got against the Muslims? 67 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,480 Will you just keep your voice down?! 68 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,840 Sh! 69 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,400 That was your fault. 70 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,040 Hey? 71 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,280 Aha. Oh! 72 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,200 Hey, that's enough, you can always come back. 73 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,480 Sausage rolls for your tea tonight! 74 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,440 Extra pocket fluff for me, thanks. 75 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,880 Listen, er... 76 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:57,080 ..I want you to help me into my online banking when you're here. 77 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,960 Oh, not again. Can you not just email? 78 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,800 I can't get into that either. 79 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,040 OK. Is there anything you can get into? 80 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,520 Hey? Would you please make an appointment with Dr Roach 81 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,720 about your earwax? I can hear you. 82 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,720 It's just I cannae hear what you're saying. 83 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,680 I don't even know what that means. 84 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,600 Oh, there he is! 85 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,640 Two heavies, please, Ian. Lager. 86 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,480 Coming up. Dr Sparrow! 87 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,320 We heard you were back. 88 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,600 Loving Detective Manners. 89 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,440 Great, thanks. We were a bit disappointed 90 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,160 with the lack of murders in the latest series, though. 91 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,880 Right. Yeah, I mean, there were two kidnappings, 92 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,160 and the online troll episode, but... 93 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,760 BOTH: ..no murders? I'll mention it to the writers. 94 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,240 While you're at it, get them to change the name of the show 95 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,640 to Detective Manners And Dr Sparrow. 96 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:42,480 Oh, they'd love that. 97 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,200 But they're hardly going to do that, are they? 98 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,480 I mean, they're only in one in every third episode. 99 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,360 I was joking, and it's every second episode, actually, 100 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,720 plus Christmas specials, 101 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,760 and I've got a bigger part in the next series, so... 102 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,960 Oh, well... 103 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:59,320 ..might need to rethink the order on the old wall of fame there. 104 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,120 Pylon Paul is still in there at number one. 105 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,080 I see that, Jen. The man did climb a pylon, Richard. 106 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,400 And managed to cut the power to the whole town. 107 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:12,520 By accident! And when it came back on, he was on Sky News. 108 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,240 Straight from the pocket? 109 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,720 Saw you out on the old bike the other weekend. 110 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,080 Oh, yes, yes. 111 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,840 I like to keep her ticking over. 112 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,560 Who was the kid you had in your sidecar? 113 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,360 That was my wee pal, Percy. 114 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,960 You're friends with a kid? 115 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,800 Did I say Percy was a kid? 116 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,440 How long are you back for, Richie? Just until tomorrow night. 117 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,560 Eh? I thought you were here for a few days. 118 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,480 No, I need to get back. We start shooting the series on Monday. 119 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,320 I told you all this on the phone. 120 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,600 Oh! Dad! Fine. 121 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,840 Make sure you let us know when it's on, eh, Richie? 122 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,760 Make sure more people die this time, huh? 123 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,760 Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha! 124 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,720 Sorry for your loss. 125 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,560 Dad! 126 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,400 Look, I'm sorry I can't stay longer. 127 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,600 So, what, are we just not going to talk? 128 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:02,880 Look! 129 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,800 That bloody cat from the down the road, 130 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,520 it keeps crapping on the garage roof! 131 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,960 Can't you say something? It's a cat! 132 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,640 To the owner. 133 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,080 Kenny boy, glad I caught you! 134 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,680 Oh! I wonder if now was a good time to chat about the situation 135 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,200 with the old bins? 136 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,920 Move, move, move, move, move! 137 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,680 What's Rod's problem now? 138 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,920 Oh, no idea. 139 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,960 Some old nonsense about hygiene. 140 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,680 Oh, bugger! 141 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,160 Ah! 142 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,920 The nerve, eh? 143 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,680 Exactly. 144 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,280 Do you want a wee probiotic? 145 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,920 Who's this? Oh, that's Percy. 146 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,920 Percy's a doll? 147 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,360 I got him at a charity shop in Elgin. 148 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,800 Oh, Jesus, Dad! 149 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,000 How can you live with that smell in the house? 150 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,840 Smell, what smell? 151 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,640 Oh, that's disgusting! 152 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,720 RATTLING 153 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:36,080 Ah! The forbidden love of one man and his bin. 154 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,440 Ah. 155 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,960 Hi, Emily. Er, yeah, it's funny, actually. 156 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,960 I was going to, erm... So, you... Are you...? 157 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,880 So you're here. You're...you're here... Am I...? 158 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,840 We... Yeah... 159 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,880 Are you having a stroke? 160 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,200 Erm...don't know. 161 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,600 Actually, I might be. 162 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,040 It's been a while. Yeah. 163 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,200 Yeah, I'm just, er.. 164 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,640 ..back visiting my dad. It's been a year since Mum... 165 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:00,880 Yeah. 166 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,840 Yeah, I've been keeping an eye on him for you. 167 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,040 Oh, have you? Yeah, we hang out and have tea. 168 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,800 Occasionally we go for a walk. 169 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,440 You're not dating him, are you? Cos he's not got any money. 170 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,480 Oh, now you tell me. RICHIE CHUCKLES 171 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,960 Mm. 172 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:18,400 What's in the box? Oh, it's just some stuff from my folk's house. 173 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,440 Finally settled their estate. 174 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,480 Only took me two years. 175 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,320 Managed to fall out with all my remaining family, 176 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,960 and, well, check it out. 177 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,400 Yeah, suits you. 178 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,040 It's from stress. 179 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,720 Oh, right, no, it's...it's... Yeah. 180 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,160 I didn't think you'd... 181 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:36,840 And even if you had, you still have... 182 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,080 All right, mate, don't have another stroke. 183 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,440 So, how are you? Yeah, good. 184 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,800 Got a larger part in Detective Manners, erm... 185 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,360 So my agent's hoping that, you know, 186 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,880 it might help to get a play or a film or something like that, 187 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:54,120 and I'm auditioning all the time for things, so, yeah, it's good. 188 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,120 Things are really busy. 189 00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,240 Cool. 190 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,040 Yeah, I meant how are YOU? 191 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,720 Oh, er, yeah. 192 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,360 Yeah, I'm fine. 193 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,840 Right, well, I better get to work. 194 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:16,080 Lives to save, and you know, objects to remove from people's bottoms. 195 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,000 Mainly that one, to be fair. 196 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,000 Do you remember Mr Walsh? 197 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,280 Mr Walsh, PE? No, he actually puts things up his...? 198 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,760 Yep. Oh, I thought we were just making stuff up. 199 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:29,760 So, how long have we got you for? 200 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,520 What, a day, month, year? 201 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,680 Forever? Ah, yeah! 202 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,120 Who'd want to waste the rest of their days here? 203 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,840 Mm, yeah. 204 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,160 What kind of idiot would do that? 205 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,880 Oh, no. I didn't... 206 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,120 Emily, I didn't mean that. See you, Richard! 207 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,040 HE SIGHS 208 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,360 ALARM BEEPING 209 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,760 Heart pills, heart pills, heart pills. 210 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,840 Eh, what day is this? 211 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,080 Tuesday. Oh, I must have taken Tuesday's. 212 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,520 I'll just take Wednesday's. 213 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,640 No, no, wait! Have you taken them already? 214 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,880 ALARM BEEPING Oh, that's diabetes pills. Diabetes! 215 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,600 Diabetes, diabetes! 216 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,320 Does this happen every day? 217 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,360 ALARM BEEPING That's... 218 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,560 That's to remind me to put the bird seed out. 219 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,680 Crapping cat! HE BARKS 220 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,120 Go on! 221 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,520 Woof, woof, woof! 222 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,080 Well, this is new. 223 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,120 HE BARKS 224 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,520 SNIFFS: Ugh! Here, my birds! 225 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,880 Dad, is there anything in this fridge that's still in date? 226 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,280 Oh! 227 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,240 Will you give me peace? 228 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:08,040 Honestly, my generation didn't pay any attention to sell-by dates, 229 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,520 and look at us, we turned out just fine! 230 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:12,760 HE BARKS 231 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,160 Dad, you can't just ignore every advancement in human civilisation. 232 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,320 I can and I will. 233 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,240 What about maybe... 234 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,280 ..getting some help around the house? 235 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,000 I don't need any help. 236 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,600 I've got you, haven't I? 237 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:33,040 When you can be bothered to come and visit, that is. 238 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,040 Oh, ten phone calls a day not enough? 239 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,400 When you've forgotten one of your 400 logins 240 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,680 or there's a new pothole on the Rafford Road. 241 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:42,000 I tell you, you should see the size of it now. 242 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,880 It's huge. Dad, what I'm saying is... 243 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,720 ..I just don't think you can carry on like this. 244 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,960 Thank you very much for your concern, Richard, 245 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:54,960 but I have a system that works perfectly well, thank you very much. 246 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,240 ALARM BEEPING 247 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:04,800 No idea. 248 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,720 Yeah. 249 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:16,320 Sally, hi, just checking in on everything. 250 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,240 I know you'll be busy negotiating my bumper new deal 251 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,760 for my enhanced role in the show. Erm... 252 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:26,320 ..we did talk about a bigger dressing room with two sinks, 253 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:30,600 so it'd be great to get that in writing, so, erm... 254 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,360 ..yeah, erm, talk soon. 255 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,880 Oh, and it's Richard, by the way. 256 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,720 Richard Pritchard. I play Dr Sparrow in Detective Manners. 257 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,400 So, yeah, OK, bye. 258 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,720 Bye, bye, bye. 259 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,240 Sorry, is it Richard, Ken's son? 260 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,640 Er, yes. Hi. Susannah. 261 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,120 Just a little thing... 262 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,480 Susannah, we're out of bubbles! 263 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,360 We'll have to open your cheap stuff. 264 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,960 That's fine. 265 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,200 What it is, it's Finn, my son. 266 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,480 He fell off his bike the other day, and Ken was great, 267 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,600 don't get me wrong, he helped him up and everything, 268 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,760 but then he called him a silly twat. 269 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,720 Right, er, yeah. 270 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,720 He thinks it means twit. 271 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,360 I mean, he's always getting his words mixed up. 272 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,040 When I was born, he told everyone he'd cut the imbecile cord. 273 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,280 No, totally. It's just that Finn's taken quite a liking to the word, 274 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,720 so I'm a twat, his dad's a twat, his nan's a big annoying twat. 275 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,640 Susannah, these canapes are not going to make themselves! 276 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,960 Which, to be fair... Did you hear what I said?! 277 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,760 I said... Can you just give me a second, Irene?! 278 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,200 I'll sort it. 279 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,600 Ah! 280 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,160 Here's the issue. 281 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,600 I disinfect my bins on the fortnight. Right. 282 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,280 And I've tolerated your dad's - and I'm going to say it, Dickie - 283 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,280 ..your dad's filthy bins for years, 284 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:50,640 but now he's mixing up our bins after the collection day. 285 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,800 A line has been crossed! 286 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,480 Yeah, yeah, I'll make sure he knows. 287 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,200 I just want my bins back! 288 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,840 I'll make him aware, Rod! 289 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,240 Oh! 290 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,080 Dad? 291 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,880 Dad? 292 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,080 Oh, my God! Dad, what the hell are you doing? 293 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:24,280 Well, it's not been heating up properly for weeks, 294 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,320 so, I thought I'd just turn it on and, you know, observe. 295 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,120 What? 296 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,320 MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES 297 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,360 Sally, hi. 298 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,320 Yes, Richard, so, the thing is, I have some news. 299 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,200 Are you sitting down? No. 300 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,640 It doesn't matter, because I am. 301 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,160 Now, it's Detective Manners, he's dead. 302 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,480 What, the character? Exactly, yes, but also, erm, 303 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,320 the actor who plays him, or played him now, I suppose. 304 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,240 Wait, Phil? 305 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,680 Mm-hm. 306 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,520 Phil Thorne's dead? Yeah, I know. 307 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,000 I just told you that. 308 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,920 But how? 309 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,400 Well, you know he was allergic to bees? 310 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,480 Yeah. Well, he was run over by a bus. 311 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,200 Sorry, I don't get the link. 312 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,840 Yeah, so they think he was running away from a bee. 313 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,720 Oh, my God! 314 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,120 What a tragic loss. Mm. 315 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,120 And... 316 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,720 ..what's happening to the show? Well, the show's over, Richard. 317 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,000 They can't make Detective Manners without Detective Manners. 318 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,680 They'll just repeat the old series. 319 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,320 I mean, no-one's going to notice! 320 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,360 Right. Anyway, I should be off. 321 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,280 Listen, I can definitely see us talking again. 322 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,040 No, no, Sally, we... Can I have another large Sauvignon? 323 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,120 SHE HANGS UP 324 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,640 I've, er... 325 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,600 ..brought you a wee glass of milk for your bed. 326 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,320 No, thanks. Oh. 327 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,760 I've poured it now. All right, fine. 328 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:10,520 Right, well, I'll be seeing you in the morning. 329 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,760 See you in the morning, Dad. 330 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,680 Eh? 331 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,400 Mm, ugh! 332 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,840 Oh! 333 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,040 CRASHING Christ! Dad?! 334 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,800 Dad, are you all right?! 335 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,400 Dad! 336 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,400 Oh! Oh, my God! What have you done? 337 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,960 I mean... 338 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,080 ..are you going to help, or what? 339 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,560 When did your chiropodist die? DAD SIGHS 340 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,680 Your mother used to make the appointments. 341 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,840 I don't know what you're supposed to say. 342 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,720 Text him a photo. 343 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,400 Trust me, they'll understand. 344 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,720 DAD FARTS And there it is. 345 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,360 Was that you? It's always you, Dad. 346 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,400 Right, let's get some sleep. 347 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,280 We've got an early start in the morning. 348 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,480 Get the house in order before I head back. 349 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,920 Yeah, yeah, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight. 350 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,720 BED SPRINGS CREAK 351 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,520 What is it?! I don't normally sleep in pyjamas. 352 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,120 Well, you do tonight. 353 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,800 For God's sake. 354 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,640 See? 355 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,840 Why don't we just walk into the town? 356 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,120 Because we don't have time. I'll take you past Bellosi's 357 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,920 and I'll buy you a nice big... 358 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,520 ..ice cream. 359 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,800 What...? I know, I know, I know, I know. 360 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,680 I was going to tell you, 361 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,000 but, well, er... 362 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,920 ..your mother had a wee bit of an accident. 363 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,760 She drove into the outdoor swimming pool up Hopeman Way. 364 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,480 Tell me she didn't kill someone. 365 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,880 Oh, no, no, no. 366 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,000 It was between... 367 00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,520 ..water aerobics and, er, aqua pump. 368 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,320 Ha, ha, ha. 369 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,000 I don't know, whatever that is, I've no idea. 370 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,920 Why didn't you tell me? Well, she was embarrassed. 371 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,760 You know your mother. 372 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,760 Never the most confident driver. 373 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,120 Oh, I don't know. I mean, she did invent the motorway U-turn. 374 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,680 Don't remind me. 375 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,880 It was after she drove into the pool 376 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,200 that I realised she was... 377 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,000 ..starting to go downhill. 378 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,080 I suppose you get to notice the little things. 379 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,560 Right, we need to get the bus, I'm afraid. 380 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,040 There's no need to be afraid. 381 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,280 Ha! We don't need no bus. 382 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,600 Hey? Oh. 383 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,600 Come on, help me get the cover off. 384 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,440 Hi-ho, Silver! Away! 385 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,800 You never imagine the day is going to arrive, do you, 386 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,000 when you're going to be buying your own death bed, eh? 387 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,080 Well, don't call it that. When you're buying a bed at 74, 388 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,360 it's probably going to be the bed you'll die on, innit? 389 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,120 What about this one? 390 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,520 What's the problem? HE MUMBLES 391 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,280 What are you eating? Er... 392 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,800 ..it's a...a pasty. 393 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,960 Is there ever an occasion where you don't have some form of 394 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,520 processed meat in your pocket? 395 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,000 Yeah... Please don't take another bite. 396 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,240 No. Dad, no. 397 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,840 You're not seriously going to... 398 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,640 Oh! Hi, can I help you? Mm! 399 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,480 We're looking for a bed for my dad. 400 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,080 Where do you keep your death beds, dear? 401 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,400 Dad, would you just let me do this, please? 402 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,400 Yeah, we're looking for a bed for my dad. 403 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,640 OK, well, if you'd just like to follow me. 404 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,800 So, this one is actually on offer right now. 405 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,480 It's a mobility bed, remote controlled, 406 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,000 and it comes with a memory foam mattress included. 407 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,600 Oh, and what's a memory foam mattress when it's at home? 408 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,520 It just means the mattress remembers how you like to lie 409 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,240 and moulds itself around you. 410 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,600 Oh, I'm not sure how I feel about a mattress with a better memory 411 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,120 than me! 412 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,960 Well, you're welcome to get in and try it. 413 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,400 No, that's OK. 414 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,840 Dad... Oh, can you take your shoes off, please? 415 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,120 Ah! He needs to take his shoes off. 416 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,120 Yeah, I'm on it, I'm on it. Right... 417 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,000 Dad! No! 418 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,360 What the hell is that?! Oh! It's not what it looks like. 419 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,360 No, that's my pasty! 420 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,320 That's disgusting! Oh, calm down! 421 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,240 There's no need to be a twat about it. 422 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,680 Excuse me?! 423 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,440 Er, twit. He means twit. 424 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,240 Twit, twat, it's all the same! 425 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,720 No, it isn't! Twat means vagina! 426 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,760 CUSTOMERS GASP 427 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,680 I can't do this. Do what? 428 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,720 I can't deal with this, this madness that follows you everywhere. 429 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,120 Have you any idea how difficult it is to have a dad like you? 430 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,920 Oh, come on. Dad, come... 431 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,680 Oh, come on. Dad! 432 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,280 Er, you can't leave. 433 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,600 There's a laundrette at the other end of the retail park. 434 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,880 Oh, do you know what? I'll just buy the bed. 435 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,280 How much is it? ๏ฟฝ1,100. 436 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,480 Where exactly is the laundrette? 437 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,120 Oh! 438 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:41,920 DOORBELL RINGS 439 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,480 Dad! He's not in, I've checked. 440 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,000 Right, Dicky boy. 441 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,040 I will organise your dad's bins, 442 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,560 and in return, he will give my bins a wide berth. 443 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,480 Capiche? Piss off, Rod. 444 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,000 Righto. 445 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,160 Digsy. 446 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:08,880 Digsy! 447 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,760 Digsy! 448 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,800 Richie, what are you doing back? 449 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,520 We saw each other yesterday. 450 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,440 We did? Was I there? 451 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,680 Yeah. Look, you've not seen my dad around, have you? 452 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,440 I have, actually. He was in the pub. 453 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,280 Nice one. 454 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,840 Oi! 455 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,360 Oi! 456 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,000 Catch you in a bit, mate! 457 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,120 Oi! Oi! Come back here! 458 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,360 Dr Sparrow! Yeah, hi. 459 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,240 Has my dad been in? He was in earlier. 460 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,200 But then he left. That was after he came in. 461 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:51,680 Thanks, Ian. 462 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,160 Oh, he did say he wanted to spend the rest of the day 463 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:57,240 with someone who actually appreciated him. 464 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,440 Who would that be now, Richard? Hmm? 465 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:10,680 TANNOY: The next train for Inverness will arrive in five minutes. 466 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,080 Should have guessed, really. 467 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,960 I see you managed to order Mum's plaque. 468 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,880 I got it on the online. 469 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,760 I wish you'd let me get it. 470 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,880 Every day, when I finished my shift on the train, 471 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,640 she'd be sitting right here. 472 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,280 Right here... 473 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:42,960 ..waiting for me. 474 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,000 THEY CHUCKLE 475 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,040 Can't believe a whole year's gone already. 476 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,440 That's time for you. 477 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:55,200 We've not had much chance to speak about her since I've been back, 478 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,800 I mean... Not a lot you can say, really. 479 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,520 She was here... 480 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,040 ..she was wonderful... 481 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,440 ..and now she's not here any more. 482 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,600 Should have got that on the plaque. Ha! 483 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,760 Anyway, what time's your train? 484 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,360 Seven. 485 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,800 You'll be wanting something to eat before you leave, eh? 486 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,880 I think the real reason I stay away... 487 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,600 ..is so I can pretend it isn't happening. 488 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,320 What isn't happening? 489 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,160 You... 490 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,120 ..getting older. 491 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,600 I'm not dead yet! 492 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,200 I was thinking that. 493 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,920 So maybe I could, er... 494 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,920 ..stick around for a bit? 495 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,240 W-What about your work? Ah... 496 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,200 ..that won't be a problem for a while. 497 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:53,880 Detective Manners is dead. 498 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,760 But, er, if he's dead, who's going to investigate it? 499 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,680 No, no, not the character, the actor's dead. 500 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,120 Oh. 501 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:02,680 The show's dead. 502 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,760 It's all over. 503 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,080 Plus, I'm struggling to pay the rent as it is, so... 504 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:12,160 ..I don't think London's going to be calling for a little while. 505 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,400 You're not moving in with me, are you? No. 506 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,760 Otherwise we'll both be dead before our time. 507 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,800 CHAINS SNAPPING 508 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,680 TANNOY: The next train for Inverness will arrive in two minutes. 509 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,880 All right, Richie, what are you doing back? 510 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,480 Digsy. 511 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,680 You don't need a story or anything, do you? 512 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,600 No, not for years now. SHE CHUCKLES 513 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,400 Thanks again for doing this. 514 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,480 It's just until I find somewhere so I can keep an eye on him. 515 00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,000 Yeah, yeah. No, no, it's fine. 516 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,280 It saves me worrying about the place. 517 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,960 Oh, my God, this is so stressful. I'm going to lose another eyebrow. 518 00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,440 Can I do it? No! 519 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,520 No, because I actually found... 520 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,000 ..this technique on TikTok. 521 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,160 OK, cool. Well, good luck with that, 522 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:10,760 and if you need anything else just give me a shout. 523 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,560 Did you know that my mum had driven into the swimming pool? 524 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,080 It wasn't your mum that drove into the pool, it was your dad. 525 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,960 Oh, sorry, I, er... I shouldn't have said. 526 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,520 No... 527 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,120 ..thanks for telling me. 528 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,600 Night, Richard. Night, Emily. 529 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:34,160 Try to make the most of the time you have left with him. 530 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,320 As hard as it was at the end with mine, it, er... 531 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,200 ..beats not having them at all. 532 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,800 DAD BARKS LIKE A DOG 533 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,880 BARKING CONTINUES 534 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,880 Dad! Stop barking! 535 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,640 Eh?! 536 00:28:02,690 --> 00:28:07,240 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38838

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