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1
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,000
PHONE RINGING
2
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,360
Yeah. Yeah, I've just arrived.
3
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,160
I should be with you in about
20 minutes.
4
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,840
Yeah.
5
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:46,680
Do you need into the iPad right now,
or can it wait 20 minutes?
6
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,680
No? Well, have you tried
the passcode?
7
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,600
It's 24-01-47.
8
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:54,920
Yeah, it Mum's birthday,
it's the same.
9
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,040
Yeah, always the same.
10
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:59,160
No, it's probably just locked you
out for five minutes.
11
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,280
I don't know, have a cup of tea?
12
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,920
Hello? Oh, and he's gone.
13
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,920
Richie, what are you doing back?
14
00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,600
Hi, Digsy, how's life?
Aye, no bad, mate.
15
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,320
Getting by, you know?
But can't really talk right now.
16
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,240
Catch up with you in a bit, eh? Oi!
No worries.
17
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,680
Stop! All right, Richie? Mike.
18
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,280
See you later, Richie!
Take care, Richie.
19
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,160
Give back the meat!
PHONE RINGING
20
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,800
Yes, Dad.
21
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,000
PHONE RINGING
Dad, I'm 30 seconds away.
22
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,280
Yeah, you've taken
the batteries out?
23
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,000
It doesn't take triple As.
24
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,360
Look, I'm literally walking up
the path.
25
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,160
Oh, yes. Yeah, I see you.
26
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,160
That's you walking towards me.
27
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,560
And that's you, you're here.
28
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,200
Hi, Dad. Eh?
29
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,240
I just said hi. Hi, hello.
30
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,840
I'm telling you,
this thing is definitely kaput!
31
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,560
Oh, I can see the problem.
32
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,560
Oh, so there is a problem now,
Mr Expert?
33
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,080
It's not an iPad...
34
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,920
..it's kitchen scales.
35
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,520
Correct.
36
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,240
Come on, you'd better get changed,
otherwise we're going to be late.
37
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,000
Wait, late for what?
38
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,320
DAD HUMMING
39
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,800
Just to be clear, you never
mentioned anything about a funeral.
40
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,240
I hardly knew Malcolm,
he was your friend.
41
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,560
My friend? You've got to be joking.
42
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,320
I couldn't stand the man.
43
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,800
Then why are we here?
44
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,720
Well, it's a social contract,
Richard.
45
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,080
You go to someone's funeral,
they come to yours.
46
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,520
Well, not if they're dead.
47
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,400
Please be seated.
48
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,000
Will you look at that?
49
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,840
I mean, honestly, you toil all your
life and what do they do?
50
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,040
They send you off in a fruit basket.
51
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,680
Promise me that when my time comes,
52
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,160
you'll make sure my coffin
is fully waterproof.
53
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,080
Yeah, I think being waterproof
54
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,640
is going to be the least of your
worries.
55
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,400
And I want a good Catholic service.
56
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,720
What about hymns? Dates?
57
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,360
March works for me.
58
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:12,640
Oh, I see.
59
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,120
My demise is funny to you now,
is it?
60
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,760
No, but since we're on the subject,
how come I'm not Catholic?
61
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,240
I mean, you and Mum were.
62
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,800
Well, er...
63
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,960
..when you were born, the nearest
church to where we lived
64
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:28,560
was Protestant, so it just seemed to
make a lot of sense at the time.
65
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,120
So if we'd lived next to a mosque,
I'd be Muslim?
66
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,360
What have you got against
the Muslims?
67
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,480
Will you just keep your voice down?!
68
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:36,840
Sh!
69
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,400
That was your fault.
70
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,040
Hey?
71
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,280
Aha. Oh!
72
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,200
Hey, that's enough, you can always
come back.
73
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,480
Sausage rolls for your tea tonight!
74
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,440
Extra pocket fluff for me, thanks.
75
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,880
Listen, er...
76
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:57,080
..I want you to help me into my
online banking when you're here.
77
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,960
Oh, not again.
Can you not just email?
78
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,800
I can't get into that either.
79
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,040
OK. Is there anything
you can get into?
80
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,520
Hey? Would you please make an
appointment with Dr Roach
81
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,720
about your earwax? I can hear you.
82
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,720
It's just I cannae hear what
you're saying.
83
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,680
I don't even know what that means.
84
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,600
Oh, there he is!
85
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,640
Two heavies, please, Ian. Lager.
86
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,480
Coming up. Dr Sparrow!
87
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,320
We heard you were back.
88
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,600
Loving Detective Manners.
89
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,440
Great, thanks.
We were a bit disappointed
90
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,160
with the lack of murders in the
latest series, though.
91
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,880
Right. Yeah, I mean,
there were two kidnappings,
92
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,160
and the online troll episode, but...
93
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,760
BOTH: ..no murders?
I'll mention it to the writers.
94
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,240
While you're at it, get them
to change the name of the show
95
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,640
to Detective Manners And Dr Sparrow.
96
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:42,480
Oh, they'd love that.
97
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,200
But they're hardly going to do that,
are they?
98
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,480
I mean, they're only in one in every
third episode.
99
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,360
I was joking, and it's every second
episode, actually,
100
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,720
plus Christmas specials,
101
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,760
and I've got a bigger part
in the next series, so...
102
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,960
Oh, well...
103
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:59,320
..might need to rethink the
order on the old wall of fame there.
104
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,120
Pylon Paul is still in there
at number one.
105
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,080
I see that, Jen.
The man did climb a pylon, Richard.
106
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,400
And managed to cut
the power to the whole town.
107
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:12,520
By accident! And when it came back
on, he was on Sky News.
108
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,240
Straight from the pocket?
109
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,720
Saw you out on the old bike
the other weekend.
110
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,080
Oh, yes, yes.
111
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,840
I like to keep her ticking over.
112
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,560
Who was the kid you had in your
sidecar?
113
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,360
That was my wee pal, Percy.
114
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,960
You're friends with a kid?
115
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,800
Did I say Percy was a kid?
116
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,440
How long are you back for, Richie?
Just until tomorrow night.
117
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,560
Eh? I thought
you were here for a few days.
118
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,480
No, I need to get back. We start
shooting the series on Monday.
119
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,320
I told you all this on the phone.
120
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,600
Oh! Dad! Fine.
121
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,840
Make sure you let us know
when it's on, eh, Richie?
122
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,760
Make sure more people
die this time, huh?
123
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,760
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha!
124
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,720
Sorry for your loss.
125
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,560
Dad!
126
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,400
Look, I'm sorry I can't stay longer.
127
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,600
So, what, are we just not going
to talk?
128
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:02,880
Look!
129
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,800
That bloody cat from the down
the road,
130
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,520
it keeps crapping
on the garage roof!
131
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,960
Can't you say something? It's a cat!
132
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,640
To the owner.
133
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,080
Kenny boy, glad I caught you!
134
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,680
Oh! I wonder if now was a good time
to chat about the situation
135
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,200
with the old bins?
136
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,920
Move, move, move, move, move!
137
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,680
What's Rod's problem now?
138
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,920
Oh, no idea.
139
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,960
Some old nonsense about hygiene.
140
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,680
Oh, bugger!
141
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,160
Ah!
142
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,920
The nerve, eh?
143
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,680
Exactly.
144
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,280
Do you want a wee probiotic?
145
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,920
Who's this? Oh, that's Percy.
146
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,920
Percy's a doll?
147
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,360
I got him at a charity shop
in Elgin.
148
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,800
Oh, Jesus, Dad!
149
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,000
How can you live with that
smell in the house?
150
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,840
Smell, what smell?
151
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,640
Oh, that's disgusting!
152
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,720
RATTLING
153
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:36,080
Ah! The forbidden love of one man
and his bin.
154
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,440
Ah.
155
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,960
Hi, Emily.
Er, yeah, it's funny, actually.
156
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,960
I was going to, erm... So, you...
Are you...?
157
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,880
So you're here. You're...you're
here... Am I...?
158
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,840
We... Yeah...
159
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,880
Are you having a stroke?
160
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,200
Erm...don't know.
161
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,600
Actually, I might be.
162
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,040
It's been a while. Yeah.
163
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,200
Yeah, I'm just, er..
164
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,640
..back visiting my dad.
It's been a year since Mum...
165
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:00,880
Yeah.
166
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,840
Yeah, I've been keeping an eye
on him for you.
167
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,040
Oh, have you? Yeah, we hang out
and have tea.
168
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,800
Occasionally we go for a walk.
169
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,440
You're not dating him, are you?
Cos he's not got any money.
170
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,480
Oh, now you tell me.
RICHIE CHUCKLES
171
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,960
Mm.
172
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:18,400
What's in the box? Oh, it's just
some stuff from my folk's house.
173
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,440
Finally settled their estate.
174
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,480
Only took me two years.
175
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,320
Managed to fall out with
all my remaining family,
176
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,960
and, well, check it out.
177
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,400
Yeah, suits you.
178
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,040
It's from stress.
179
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,720
Oh, right, no, it's...it's... Yeah.
180
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,160
I didn't think you'd...
181
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:36,840
And even if you had,
you still have...
182
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,080
All right, mate,
don't have another stroke.
183
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,440
So, how are you? Yeah, good.
184
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,800
Got a larger part in
Detective Manners, erm...
185
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,360
So my agent's hoping that, you know,
186
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,880
it might help to get a play or
a film or something like that,
187
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:54,120
and I'm auditioning all the time
for things, so, yeah, it's good.
188
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,120
Things are really busy.
189
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,240
Cool.
190
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,040
Yeah, I meant how are YOU?
191
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,720
Oh, er, yeah.
192
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,360
Yeah, I'm fine.
193
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:11,840
Right, well, I better get to work.
194
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:16,080
Lives to save, and you know, objects
to remove from people's bottoms.
195
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,000
Mainly that one, to be fair.
196
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,000
Do you remember Mr Walsh?
197
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,280
Mr Walsh, PE? No, he actually puts
things up his...?
198
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,760
Yep. Oh, I thought we were just
making stuff up.
199
00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:29,760
So, how long have we got you for?
200
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,520
What, a day, month, year?
201
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,680
Forever? Ah, yeah!
202
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,120
Who'd want to waste
the rest of their days here?
203
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,840
Mm, yeah.
204
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,160
What kind of idiot would do that?
205
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,880
Oh, no. I didn't...
206
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:45,120
Emily, I didn't mean that.
See you, Richard!
207
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,040
HE SIGHS
208
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,360
ALARM BEEPING
209
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,760
Heart pills, heart pills,
heart pills.
210
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,840
Eh, what day is this?
211
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,080
Tuesday. Oh, I must have taken
Tuesday's.
212
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,520
I'll just take Wednesday's.
213
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,640
No, no, wait! Have you taken them
already?
214
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,880
ALARM BEEPING
Oh, that's diabetes pills. Diabetes!
215
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,600
Diabetes, diabetes!
216
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,320
Does this happen every day?
217
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,360
ALARM BEEPING
That's...
218
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,560
That's to remind me
to put the bird seed out.
219
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,680
Crapping cat!
HE BARKS
220
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,120
Go on!
221
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,520
Woof, woof, woof!
222
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,080
Well, this is new.
223
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,120
HE BARKS
224
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,520
SNIFFS: Ugh!
Here, my birds!
225
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,880
Dad, is there anything in this
fridge that's still in date?
226
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,280
Oh!
227
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,240
Will you give me peace?
228
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:08,040
Honestly, my generation didn't pay
any attention to sell-by dates,
229
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,520
and look at us,
we turned out just fine!
230
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:12,760
HE BARKS
231
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,160
Dad, you can't just ignore every
advancement in human civilisation.
232
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,320
I can and I will.
233
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,240
What about maybe...
234
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,280
..getting some help around
the house?
235
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,000
I don't need any help.
236
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,600
I've got you, haven't I?
237
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:33,040
When you can be bothered to come
and visit, that is.
238
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,040
Oh, ten phone calls a day
not enough?
239
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,400
When you've forgotten
one of your 400 logins
240
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,680
or there's a new pothole
on the Rafford Road.
241
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:42,000
I tell you,
you should see the size of it now.
242
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,880
It's huge.
Dad, what I'm saying is...
243
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,720
..I just don't think you can
carry on like this.
244
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,960
Thank you very much
for your concern, Richard,
245
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:54,960
but I have a system that works
perfectly well, thank you very much.
246
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,240
ALARM BEEPING
247
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:04,800
No idea.
248
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,720
Yeah.
249
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:16,320
Sally, hi,
just checking in on everything.
250
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,240
I know you'll be busy negotiating
my bumper new deal
251
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,760
for my enhanced role in the show.
Erm...
252
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:26,320
..we did talk about a bigger
dressing room with two sinks,
253
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:30,600
so it'd be great to get that
in writing, so, erm...
254
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,360
..yeah, erm, talk soon.
255
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,880
Oh, and it's Richard, by the way.
256
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,720
Richard Pritchard. I play Dr Sparrow
in Detective Manners.
257
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,400
So, yeah, OK, bye.
258
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,720
Bye, bye, bye.
259
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,240
Sorry, is it Richard, Ken's son?
260
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,640
Er, yes. Hi. Susannah.
261
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,120
Just a little thing...
262
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,480
Susannah, we're out of bubbles!
263
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,360
We'll have to open your cheap stuff.
264
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,960
That's fine.
265
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,200
What it is, it's Finn, my son.
266
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,480
He fell off his bike the other day,
and Ken was great,
267
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,600
don't get me wrong,
he helped him up and everything,
268
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,760
but then he called him a silly twat.
269
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,720
Right, er, yeah.
270
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,720
He thinks it means twit.
271
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,360
I mean, he's always
getting his words mixed up.
272
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,040
When I was born, he told everyone
he'd cut the imbecile cord.
273
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,280
No, totally. It's just that Finn's
taken quite a liking to the word,
274
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,720
so I'm a twat, his dad's a twat,
his nan's a big annoying twat.
275
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,640
Susannah, these canapes are not
going to make themselves!
276
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,960
Which, to be fair...
Did you hear what I said?!
277
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,760
I said... Can you just give me
a second, Irene?!
278
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,200
I'll sort it.
279
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,600
Ah!
280
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,160
Here's the issue.
281
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,600
I disinfect my bins
on the fortnight. Right.
282
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,280
And I've tolerated your dad's
- and I'm going to say it, Dickie -
283
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,280
..your dad's filthy bins for years,
284
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:50,640
but now he's mixing up our bins
after the collection day.
285
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,800
A line has been crossed!
286
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,480
Yeah, yeah, I'll make sure he knows.
287
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,200
I just want my bins back!
288
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,840
I'll make him aware, Rod!
289
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,240
Oh!
290
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,080
Dad?
291
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,880
Dad?
292
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,080
Oh, my God!
Dad, what the hell are you doing?
293
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:24,280
Well, it's not been heating up
properly for weeks,
294
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,320
so, I thought I'd just turn it on
and, you know, observe.
295
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,120
What?
296
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,320
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
297
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,360
Sally, hi.
298
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,320
Yes, Richard, so, the thing is,
I have some news.
299
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,200
Are you sitting down? No.
300
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,640
It doesn't matter, because I am.
301
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,160
Now, it's Detective Manners,
he's dead.
302
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,480
What, the character? Exactly, yes,
but also, erm,
303
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,320
the actor who plays him,
or played him now, I suppose.
304
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,240
Wait, Phil?
305
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,680
Mm-hm.
306
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,520
Phil Thorne's dead? Yeah, I know.
307
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,000
I just told you that.
308
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,920
But how?
309
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,400
Well, you know he was allergic
to bees?
310
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,480
Yeah. Well, he was run over
by a bus.
311
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,200
Sorry, I don't get the link.
312
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,840
Yeah, so they think he was running
away from a bee.
313
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,720
Oh, my God!
314
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,120
What a tragic loss. Mm.
315
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,120
And...
316
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,720
..what's happening to the show?
Well, the show's over, Richard.
317
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,000
They can't make Detective Manners
without Detective Manners.
318
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,680
They'll just repeat the old series.
319
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,320
I mean, no-one's going to notice!
320
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,360
Right. Anyway, I should be off.
321
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,280
Listen, I can definitely see us
talking again.
322
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,040
No, no, Sally, we...
Can I have another large Sauvignon?
323
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,120
SHE HANGS UP
324
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,640
I've, er...
325
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,600
..brought you a wee glass of milk
for your bed.
326
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,320
No, thanks. Oh.
327
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,760
I've poured it now. All right, fine.
328
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:10,520
Right, well, I'll be seeing you
in the morning.
329
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,760
See you in the morning, Dad.
330
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,680
Eh?
331
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,400
Mm, ugh!
332
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,840
Oh!
333
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,040
CRASHING
Christ! Dad?!
334
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,800
Dad, are you all right?!
335
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,400
Dad!
336
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,400
Oh! Oh, my God! What have you done?
337
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,960
I mean...
338
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,080
..are you going to help, or what?
339
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,560
When did your chiropodist die?
DAD SIGHS
340
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,680
Your mother used to make
the appointments.
341
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,840
I don't know what you're
supposed to say.
342
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,720
Text him a photo.
343
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,400
Trust me, they'll understand.
344
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,720
DAD FARTS
And there it is.
345
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,360
Was that you? It's always you, Dad.
346
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,400
Right, let's get some sleep.
347
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,280
We've got an early start
in the morning.
348
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,480
Get the house in order
before I head back.
349
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,920
Yeah, yeah, goodnight,
goodnight, goodnight.
350
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,720
BED SPRINGS CREAK
351
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,520
What is it?!
I don't normally sleep in pyjamas.
352
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,120
Well, you do tonight.
353
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,800
For God's sake.
354
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,640
See?
355
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,840
Why don't we just
walk into the town?
356
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,120
Because we don't have time.
I'll take you past Bellosi's
357
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,920
and I'll buy you a nice big...
358
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,520
..ice cream.
359
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,800
What...?
I know, I know, I know, I know.
360
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,680
I was going to tell you,
361
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,000
but, well, er...
362
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,920
..your mother had a wee bit
of an accident.
363
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,760
She drove into the outdoor
swimming pool up Hopeman Way.
364
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,480
Tell me she didn't kill someone.
365
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,880
Oh, no, no, no.
366
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,000
It was between...
367
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,520
..water aerobics and, er, aqua pump.
368
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,320
Ha, ha, ha.
369
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,000
I don't know, whatever that is,
I've no idea.
370
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,920
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, she was embarrassed.
371
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,760
You know your mother.
372
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,760
Never the most confident driver.
373
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,120
Oh, I don't know. I mean, she did
invent the motorway U-turn.
374
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,680
Don't remind me.
375
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,880
It was after she drove into the pool
376
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,200
that I realised she was...
377
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,000
..starting to go downhill.
378
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,080
I suppose you get to notice
the little things.
379
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,560
Right, we need to get the bus,
I'm afraid.
380
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,040
There's no need to be afraid.
381
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,280
Ha! We don't need no bus.
382
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,600
Hey? Oh.
383
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,600
Come on, help me get the cover off.
384
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,440
Hi-ho, Silver! Away!
385
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,800
You never imagine the day is going
to arrive, do you,
386
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,000
when you're going to be buying your
own death bed, eh?
387
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,080
Well, don't call it that.
When you're buying a bed at 74,
388
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,360
it's probably going to be the bed
you'll die on, innit?
389
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,120
What about this one?
390
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,520
What's the problem?
HE MUMBLES
391
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,280
What are you eating? Er...
392
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,800
..it's a...a pasty.
393
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,960
Is there ever an occasion where you
don't have some form of
394
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,520
processed meat in your pocket?
395
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,000
Yeah... Please don't take another
bite.
396
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,240
No. Dad, no.
397
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,840
You're not seriously going to...
398
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,640
Oh! Hi, can I help you? Mm!
399
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,480
We're looking for a bed for my dad.
400
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,080
Where do you keep
your death beds, dear?
401
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,400
Dad, would you just
let me do this, please?
402
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,400
Yeah, we're looking for a bed
for my dad.
403
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,640
OK, well, if you'd
just like to follow me.
404
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,800
So, this one is
actually on offer right now.
405
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,480
It's a mobility bed,
remote controlled,
406
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,000
and it comes with a memory foam
mattress included.
407
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,600
Oh, and what's a memory foam
mattress when it's at home?
408
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,520
It just means the mattress
remembers how you like to lie
409
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,240
and moulds itself around you.
410
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,600
Oh, I'm not sure how I feel about
a mattress with a better memory
411
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,120
than me!
412
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,960
Well, you're welcome to get in
and try it.
413
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,400
No, that's OK.
414
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,840
Dad... Oh, can you take your
shoes off, please?
415
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,120
Ah! He needs to take his shoes off.
416
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,120
Yeah, I'm on it, I'm on it. Right...
417
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,000
Dad! No!
418
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,360
What the hell is that?! Oh!
It's not what it looks like.
419
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,360
No, that's my pasty!
420
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,320
That's disgusting! Oh, calm down!
421
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,240
There's no need to be a twat
about it.
422
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,680
Excuse me?!
423
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,440
Er, twit. He means twit.
424
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,240
Twit, twat, it's all the same!
425
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,720
No, it isn't! Twat means vagina!
426
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,760
CUSTOMERS GASP
427
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,680
I can't do this. Do what?
428
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,720
I can't deal with this, this
madness that follows you everywhere.
429
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,120
Have you any idea how difficult
it is to have a dad like you?
430
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,920
Oh, come on. Dad, come...
431
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,680
Oh, come on. Dad!
432
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,280
Er, you can't leave.
433
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,600
There's a laundrette at the other
end of the retail park.
434
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,880
Oh, do you know what?
I'll just buy the bed.
435
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,280
How much is it? ๏ฟฝ1,100.
436
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,480
Where exactly is the laundrette?
437
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,120
Oh!
438
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:41,920
DOORBELL RINGS
439
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,480
Dad! He's not in, I've checked.
440
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,000
Right, Dicky boy.
441
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,040
I will organise your dad's bins,
442
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,560
and in return,
he will give my bins a wide berth.
443
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,480
Capiche? Piss off, Rod.
444
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,000
Righto.
445
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,160
Digsy.
446
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:08,880
Digsy!
447
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,760
Digsy!
448
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,800
Richie, what are you doing back?
449
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,520
We saw each other yesterday.
450
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,440
We did? Was I there?
451
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,680
Yeah. Look, you've not seen my dad
around, have you?
452
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,440
I have, actually. He was in the pub.
453
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,280
Nice one.
454
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,840
Oi!
455
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,360
Oi!
456
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,000
Catch you in a bit, mate!
457
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,120
Oi! Oi! Come back here!
458
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,360
Dr Sparrow! Yeah, hi.
459
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,240
Has my dad been in?
He was in earlier.
460
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,200
But then he left.
That was after he came in.
461
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:51,680
Thanks, Ian.
462
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,160
Oh, he did say he wanted to spend
the rest of the day
463
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:57,240
with someone who actually
appreciated him.
464
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,440
Who would that be now, Richard? Hmm?
465
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:10,680
TANNOY: The next train for Inverness
will arrive in five minutes.
466
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,080
Should have guessed, really.
467
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,960
I see you managed to order
Mum's plaque.
468
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,880
I got it on the online.
469
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,760
I wish you'd let me get it.
470
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,880
Every day, when I finished
my shift on the train,
471
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,640
she'd be sitting right here.
472
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,280
Right here...
473
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:42,960
..waiting for me.
474
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,000
THEY CHUCKLE
475
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,040
Can't believe a whole year's
gone already.
476
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,440
That's time for you.
477
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:55,200
We've not had much chance to speak
about her since I've been back,
478
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,800
I mean... Not a lot you can say,
really.
479
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,520
She was here...
480
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,040
..she was wonderful...
481
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,440
..and now she's not here any more.
482
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,600
Should have got that on the plaque.
Ha!
483
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,760
Anyway, what time's your train?
484
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,360
Seven.
485
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,800
You'll be wanting something to eat
before you leave, eh?
486
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,880
I think the real reason
I stay away...
487
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,600
..is so I can pretend
it isn't happening.
488
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,320
What isn't happening?
489
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,160
You...
490
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,120
..getting older.
491
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,600
I'm not dead yet!
492
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,200
I was thinking that.
493
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,920
So maybe I could, er...
494
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,920
..stick around for a bit?
495
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,240
W-What about your work? Ah...
496
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,200
..that won't be a problem
for a while.
497
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:53,880
Detective Manners is dead.
498
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,760
But, er, if he's dead,
who's going to investigate it?
499
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,680
No, no, not the character,
the actor's dead.
500
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,120
Oh.
501
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:02,680
The show's dead.
502
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,760
It's all over.
503
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,080
Plus, I'm struggling to pay
the rent as it is, so...
504
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:12,160
..I don't think London's going to be
calling for a little while.
505
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,400
You're not moving in with me,
are you? No.
506
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,760
Otherwise we'll both be
dead before our time.
507
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,800
CHAINS SNAPPING
508
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,680
TANNOY: The next train for Inverness
will arrive in two minutes.
509
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,880
All right, Richie,
what are you doing back?
510
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,480
Digsy.
511
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,680
You don't need a story or anything,
do you?
512
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,600
No, not for years now.
SHE CHUCKLES
513
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,400
Thanks again for doing this.
514
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,480
It's just until I find somewhere
so I can keep an eye on him.
515
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,000
Yeah, yeah. No, no, it's fine.
516
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,280
It saves me worrying about
the place.
517
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,960
Oh, my God, this is so stressful.
I'm going to lose another eyebrow.
518
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,440
Can I do it? No!
519
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,520
No, because I actually found...
520
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,000
..this technique on TikTok.
521
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,160
OK, cool.
Well, good luck with that,
522
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:10,760
and if you need anything else
just give me a shout.
523
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,560
Did you know that my mum had
driven into the swimming pool?
524
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,080
It wasn't your mum that drove into
the pool, it was your dad.
525
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,960
Oh, sorry, I, er...
I shouldn't have said.
526
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,520
No...
527
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,120
..thanks for telling me.
528
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,600
Night, Richard. Night, Emily.
529
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:34,160
Try to make the most of the time
you have left with him.
530
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,320
As hard as it was at the end
with mine, it, er...
531
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,200
..beats not having them at all.
532
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,800
DAD BARKS LIKE A DOG
533
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,880
BARKING CONTINUES
534
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,880
Dad! Stop barking!
535
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,640
Eh?!
536
00:28:02,690 --> 00:28:07,240
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