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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Good evening, and welcome
to Have I Got News For You.
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00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,480
I'm Lorraine Kelly and in
the news this week -
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00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:53,360
in Surbiton, a heavy user finds
a quiet spot to score some
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00:00:53,360 --> 00:01:01,320
ketamine from his dealer.
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00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,680
On I'm A Celebrity,
there's evidence that
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00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,640
Coleen Rooney is struggling
with the bean-heavy diet.
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00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:21,080
And in the Cairngorms,
after being honked by the car
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behind, Ruth Davidson lets
the driver know exactly
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what she thinks of them.
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BLEEP.
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00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,520
On Ian's
team tonight is a journalist
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00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,680
who used to host a podcast called
How To Win An Election.
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00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,560
It's not for me to judge
whether it's any good or not,
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00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,440
but apparently Rishi Sunak
and Kamala Harris
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00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:48,640
were regular listeners.
Please welcome Matt Chorley.
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00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,880
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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On Paul's team
tonight is a comedian
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00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,680
who did her first-ever gig
at the Ilkley Literature Festival,
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00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:05,240
which is the second-funniest thing
to happen in publishing
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00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,120
after the sales figures
for Boris Johnson's book.
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00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,760
Please welcome Maisie Adam.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:13,920
Well,
we begin with the bigger news
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stories of the week.
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00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:19,480
Ian and Matt, have
a wee look at this.
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That's a farmer.
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Keir Farmer.
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That's
inheritance tax for you.
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"No, I'm an economist,
these are all pound coins."
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Well, this is the big farm protest.
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And Matt was actually there.
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Yes, there's nothing better
than standing in the drizzle
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speaking to members of the public.
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And I said to one of them, "Well,
why should someone whose "family
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And I said to one of them, "Well,
why should someone whose family
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"just happened to have a big
house pay inheritance tax
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"but you shouldn't
pay inheritance tax?"
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And she sort of paused
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for a minute and then said, "Yeah,
that IS a good question."
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What is it that Labour
are actually proposing, though?
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Well, the focus of the protest
is inheritance tax.
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Farmers didn't pay it at all and now
they're going to pay half
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of what everyone else pays
and the limits they've set on them
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are really pretty high,
so it's meant to stop wealthy
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landowners buying lots of land
in order to avoid taxes.
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And, say, like, now
who comes to mind?
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00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,920
Jeremy Clarkson...
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..who originally
bought his farm in order to avoid
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paying any tax on it,
has now become the champion
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of the small farmer who's probably
not going to get hit by this
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and is going to end up worse off
for lots of other reasons.
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It's a bit like if there
was a big Shepherdess protest
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and Marie Antoinette turned up.
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What sort of drugs are you on?
And share them out!
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Exactly.
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It's mostly ketamine.
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Do you want to see
Jeremy Clarkson...
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No, thank you.
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Well, you're going to...
Oh, OK.
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..whether you like it or not.
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You made it sound like an option.
This is not an option.
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OK.
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Here is Jeremy Clarkson
talking to the BBC.
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00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:01,960
Now...
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00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,000
Oh, no.
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00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,400
..don't be distracted by the wee
fella in the background.
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So why are you here, Mr Clarkson?
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Well, because I'm
here to support farmers.
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Right.
Are you angry?
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It's difficult to be angry
on somebody else's behalf,
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that's like being...
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Yes, no, I'm not angry
on someone else's behalf.
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Right.
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So it's not about you,
it's not about your farm...
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No.
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..and the fact that you bought
a farm to avoid inheritance tax?
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No.
Classic BBC there.
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Classic.
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Is it?
Oh, yeah.
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It's not the fact that...
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The fact that I bought a farm to
avoid inheritance tax, the fact...
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You told the Sunday Times in 2021
that's why you bought it.
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Oh, I love it.
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Is that
Victoria Derbyshire?
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Victoria Derbyshire,
she keeps receipts.
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You cannot fool her.
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I mean, it's not as though he's got,
you know, any history with the Beeb.
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She's quite lucky he didn't
punch her in the face
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00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,800
for turning up with cold food.
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00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,720
Your face there, Matt,
it's sort of encapsulating
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00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,760
the mood of everybody.
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00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,160
I was just wondering
when it was all going to be over.
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Although it does look
like you've attached
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00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:14,320
an umbrella to the top
of your head.
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00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,920
Paul?
Yeah?
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00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,400
Oh, yes, hello.
I'm still here.
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00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:24,600
What country do you think does those
sort of protests, you know,
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00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,480
what country do you
think does them best?
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00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,600
Scotland.
No!
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We don't protest.
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Don't you?
It's the Belgians.
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The Belgians.
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See, everybody always
forgets about the Belgians.
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00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,520
They always just ignore them.
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Have a wee look.
There you are.
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00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,880
That's how they do it in Belgium.
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I could do that.
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Look at the power!
I know!
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That cow was burstin'!
Wasn't it?
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It's like a jet wash.
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Yeah.
But despite all the anger,
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despite all of that,
it was a peaceful protest.
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00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,160
Although, if you were watching
Sky News, it did threaten to spread
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into a wider conflict.
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Ah.
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You're watching Sky News today.
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Still to come - farmers
preparing to protest...
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DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
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00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,120
How
long that milk has been
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00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,200
pent up in that cow,
we can't tell.
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00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,840
Yeah, there's no inheritance
tax on intercontinental
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00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,720
ballistic missiles.
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00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,520
There were a couple of other tense
moments at the protest.
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Do you know what they were?
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00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,520
A tractor drove over a traffic cone?
You're so clever!
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It did.
I was there!
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Here's another ugly scene.
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Oh!
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I'm so sorry.
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I've never the felt the need
to say to a dog, "Blink
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twice if you need help."
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00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:42,000
I want to tell that dog to go
to the bar and ask for Angela.
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00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,000
Who else showed up,
then, if you were there?
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00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,560
Ed Davey, Kemi Badenoch,
Nigel Farage?
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00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,000
Most of the Shadow
Cabinet, actually.
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00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,040
Oh, yeah.
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00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,280
Who suddenly all seem to think that
protesting is actually a really good
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00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,640
idea when they're not in government.
Here they are.
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00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:56,800
Oh...
I know.
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00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,120
Look at Priti Patel.
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She's showing her enthusiasm
for farming by wearing something
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that she slaughtered
that very morning.
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00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,600
With her bare hands, probably.
Bare hands, I know.
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00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:13,200
They should have probably
written something on that banner.
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00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:18,480
No, that is literally
their ideas about farming.
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00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,840
Can you name of the hard-working
landowners set to suffer
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at the hands of the government?
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00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,120
Dyson?
Clarkson.
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00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,200
Possibly Lloyd Webber.
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00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,640
Tom Peck in the Times revealed...
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Here he is at the protests.
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MAISIE SIGHS
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Oh, my God, I've never
wanted a burstin' cow to hand...
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Straight in there.
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What does he grow
on his farm, Farage?
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Fags?
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Do you think he's got
a vast tobacco crop?
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I can imagine what he puts on his
crops cos there's plenty of that.
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Save himself a fortune.
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APPLAUSE
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00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:07,920
So, what evidence has
Keir Starmer produced to show
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00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,080
that he is on the side
of the farmers?
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00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,920
Oh, his parents kept donkeys.
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They did.
Against their will.
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Well, he told the BBC this week...
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..says Sir Keir...
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Although, three weeks ago on a visit
to a factory in Hull,
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he also claimed to have...
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00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,120
Where was he during all
these protests, though?
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He was abroad.
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He was, yes.
He was at G20.
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He was indeed.
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He spent the week in
Brazil at the G20 Summit,
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meeting world leaders,
after which he went out into Rio
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to talk to locals and tell them how
he'd grown up in a favela.
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LAUGHTER He also popped to Paris
for some entente cordiale.
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Here he is with President Macron.
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Now, keep an eye behind them,
it looks like some of the French
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00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:06,440
military vehicles have been supplied
by The Flintstones.
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LAUGHTER
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Well, this is the farmers'
protest at Labour's new rules
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on inheritance tax.
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In other news, Rachel Reeves has
been accused of lying on her CV,
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but we've all done that,
haven't we, for work purposes?
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00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:30,640
For years I've claimed to be friends
with Richard Madeley.
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00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,720
Paul and Maisie,
have a wee look at this.
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00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:34,840
Yes.
OK, there's Donald Trump.
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That's Elon Musk.
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00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,640
He's the President.
He's the President, yeah.
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And that's Matt Gaetz,
who was going to be Attorney General
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but now can't be Attorney General
because there's been
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some new revelations
about his terrible, uh...life.
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00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,840
There's a man who's worried
about being extradited.
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00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,840
Matt Gaetz has proved just too
controversial even for Trump.
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00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,600
He was going to be head
of the Justice Department but he'd
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00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,080
been investigated for sexual
misconduct by the House Ethics
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00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,240
Committee until the investigation
was closed when he resigned
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00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,720
from Congress to become
Attorney General.
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00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:15,200
He needs to be investigated
for them eyebrows alone.
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00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,120
Well, yeah, do you know what?
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00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,520
Looking at that, does he remind
you of Robbie Rotten?
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00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,200
You know Robbie Rotten
from Lazy Town?
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00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,760
Oh.
Yes.
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00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,880
Oh!
Yeah, yeah!
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00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:27,920
LAUGHTER
Look, look, look.
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00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:28,960
Don't you think?
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00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,400
It's a dead ringer.
It's uncanny.
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00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,040
Let me show you this person.
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00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,240
Oh, that's the
Fox News guy, isn't it?
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00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,520
He is the new Defense Secretary,
Pete Hegseth his name is.
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00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,360
Yeah.
What's weird about this guy?
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00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,840
He doesn't believe in germs -
they don't exist, you can't see them
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00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,000
therefore they don't exist.
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00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,040
Yeah, he said...
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00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,680
Now, he does have a military
record so you would think
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00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,840
he'd have a good aim
with a weapon, right?
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00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:50,880
Mm.
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00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,040
Well, have a look at
him throwing an axe.
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00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,080
Yes.
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00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,000
Who's going to win this
battle of the lumberjacks?
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00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,080
Oh!
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00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,000
You're joking!
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00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,720
There's traffic behind,
why are you throwing
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00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,680
an axe in that direction?
It's mad.
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00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,880
That'll cut down the military.
227
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:14,160
What problem has President Biden
left in president-elect Trump's lap?
228
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,200
Ukraine.
229
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,320
Russia.
230
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,120
Leading to...?
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00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:19,600
Leading to...?
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00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,240
World War III.
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00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,640
No, no, won't be World War III.
You don't think?
234
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,560
No.
Oh, I feel a lot better now.
235
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:33,520
Yeah.
I do!
236
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,600
I'll be the first to apologise.
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00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,000
This cavalcade of bozos
is going to be, you know,
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00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,640
in charge in the world's most
powerful country at the beginning
239
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,000
of January, it can't help but fall
apart in an air of absolute chaos.
240
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,400
That is the most brilliant analysis
and the collective noun
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00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,600
for bozos is a cavalcade.
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00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:56,640
Love that.
Love it.
243
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,680
Wonderful.
244
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,080
Would you like to see Trump's pick
for Education Secretary?
245
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,000
Yeah, let's have a look.
Called Linda McMahon.
246
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,040
She's enjoying a day
out with the family.
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00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,800
Mom, just remember, like you told me
when I was a little girl,
248
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,640
this is going to hurt me a lot worse
than it hurts you.
249
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:19,880
Get her!
Linda just knocked out Stephanie!
250
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:27,520
Is this a cabinet meeting?
251
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:32,800
That's the John Prescott
Memorial Games.
252
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,160
So she used to be,
like, head of WWE, then?
253
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,240
It is literally people that
Donald Trump has seen on telly.
254
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,200
Oh, my God, the Home Secretary's
going to be Marge Simpson, innit?
255
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,080
She'd be quite good.
She'd be all right.
256
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,800
She'd be a breath of fresh air.
257
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,880
Uh-huh.
258
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,560
Sticking with wrestling,
what are they doing
259
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,080
in a church in Bradford?
260
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:54,480
To encourage people to go to church,
they're staging wrestling
261
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,720
matches in the church.
262
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,640
So is this during the services?
Yeah.
263
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:03,080
I'm so sorry!
264
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,160
As it says in the Bible,
"The best of three falls
265
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,960
and one submission."
266
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,880
So, yeah, so it's
wrestling matches in church.
267
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:15,000
It's good but I think it'll be
better if it was actually, like,
268
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,040
the clergy doing it.
269
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,240
Yeah.
Know what I mean?
270
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,640
The Archbishop of Canterbury should
be in there, shouldn't he?
271
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:20,720
Yeah, he should.
272
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,760
Unfortunately, there's been a fairly
major inquiry into...into that.
273
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,360
You kind of ran into him
recently, did you not, Ian?
274
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:28,560
Yeah, I did.
You did.
275
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,480
How was that encounter?
276
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:34,240
He appeared at a public event
the day after he resigned
277
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,360
in disgrace and thought no-one
would say anything.
278
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:42,120
And he came over and said hello,
so I said something.
279
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,640
Did you?
You've got balls, you really have.
280
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,840
He just seemed to me
entirely shameless.
281
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,240
Years ago on this programme
I used to accuse Ian
282
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,440
of being a bit snobbish.
283
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,840
But now I withdraw that
when I realise he meets
284
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,000
the Archbishop of Canterbury
at a drinks do at
285
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,520
the British Museum.
286
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:58,720
Do you think so, Paul?
287
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,680
Do you think he'll be missed at all?
288
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,120
We'll always get somebody else.
Oh, the Archbishop of Canterbury?
289
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:07,000
Sorry.
290
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:11,560
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
291
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,480
This
is the news that Donald Trump has
292
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,320
selected his new cabinet.
293
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:20,160
According to the Mail Online,
Health Secretary appointee
294
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,560
Robert F Kennedy is against
the additives used in many
295
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,520
McDonald's items, including...
296
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,280
Coincidentally, that's also
the name of Donald Trump's
297
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:36,680
favourite Scottish porn star.
298
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,720
So...
299
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,440
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
300
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:44,600
You're happy
with that one, aren't you?
301
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,240
So now to round two,
the One Armed Bandit Of News.
302
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,280
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
303
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:55,160
Oh.
304
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,200
BUZZER
305
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,240
Paul?
306
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,400
I am aware, vaguely aware,
that the Americans have
307
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,600
trained rats to drive cars.
308
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,480
Why?
309
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:03,640
Well...
Well...
310
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,800
..there's nothing better to do.
311
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,680
Well, it is the news, absolutely...
312
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,280
Yes.
..that rats can drive.
313
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,960
Yes.
And what's more, rats ENJOY driving.
314
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,880
Do they?
315
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,040
So how did scientists
find this out, that rats
316
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,680
are petrolheads, basically?
317
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,640
Oh, um...
A questionnaire.
318
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,320
Did someone put
something in my drink?
319
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,440
What the...?
320
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,560
OK, so they put a rat in a car...
321
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,600
Yes.
322
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,880
..and they've sort of seen
the rat going, "He-hey!"
323
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,240
Why are we seeing
if rats like driving?
324
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,160
Well...
Why is that on the to-do list?
325
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,440
LAUGHTER
326
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:43,080
You lot just seem
like you're really fine with this.
327
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,120
Absolutely.
Researchers...
328
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,160
Researchers.
329
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,800
..at the University
of Richmond in Virginia...
330
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,800
Virginia, yeah.
..found that rats...
331
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:51,840
Rats could be...
332
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:53,040
..in return for a reward.
333
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,240
Yeah.
334
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,160
The scientists first observed this
during the pandemic.
335
00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:00,080
So, in the pandemic,
when we were all clueless as to how
336
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,760
we were going to find a solution,
and you're telling me
337
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:06,640
some scientists went,
"Do you know what I'm
338
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,520
going to find out today?
Does a rat enjoy driving?"
339
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,080
"I reckon we'll put
the vaccine off till tomorrow."
340
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,000
Would you like
to see a rat driving?
341
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,040
Well, yes.
Clearly.
342
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,080
Obviously!
343
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,000
Just to prove to Maisie
that it exists.
344
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,560
OK.
Here's one.
345
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:26,200
There we are.
346
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,160
This is the real one.
Have a look at this.
347
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,480
Oh!
So cute.
348
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,120
You've been generous
with the term "car".
349
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,840
Yeah.
350
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,800
There's a remote
control going on here.
351
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,240
No, I think the rat is just
trying to get the treat,
352
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,720
but can't because someone's
put it in a car.
353
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,880
I don't think the rat
is going, "Watch this,
354
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,280
I can do a three-point turn."
355
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,960
We deserve to get overtaken
by robots and AI.
356
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,920
Well, we're
going to get overtaken by a rat.
357
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,000
There could be
a Top Gear for rats.
358
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,560
Yeah.
I think they did that.
359
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,480
How do you
think the rats feel?
360
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,120
You know, when they're driving
around, the wind in their fur...
361
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,280
I think they're enjoying
the freedom of the road.
362
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,560
You know, the independence.
363
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:13,760
Apparently, they love it.
Yeah.
364
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,160
So much so that, when she was
conducting the experiment,
365
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:22,080
Professor Kelly, no relation,
noticed that the rats were...
366
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,200
Hollywood producers are now
working on a screenplay
367
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:28,040
for a brand-new franchise,
The Fast And The Furriest.
368
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,400
Aw!
369
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,640
Good stuff.
370
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:33,680
APPLAUSE
371
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:34,720
Oh, don't.
372
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,120
Do you get the feeling that
whole item was produced
373
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,200
just for that one joke?
374
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,760
It was.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
375
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:47,200
Oh.
376
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,920
BELL RINGS
377
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,480
Mel Gibson
isn't Scottish.
378
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,520
LORRAINE GASPS
Really?
379
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:55,560
Yeah.
380
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,240
Apparently, he's Australian
and he wasn't involved
381
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,280
in Scottish independence.
382
00:17:58,280 --> 00:17:59,320
True.
383
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,240
But not what we were
really looking for.
384
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,280
Oh.
385
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,680
This here is the news that
Scottish people are better
386
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,640
at spotting fake accents...
387
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,760
..than people in the South.
388
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:10,960
Right.
389
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,360
So why are we better
than you soft southerners, then?
390
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,480
I suppose you've got to have a good
ear for accents to understand
391
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:17,680
what each other are saying.
392
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,120
Researchers
from Cambridge University no less...
393
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,120
Oh, yeah, they know nothing.
394
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,440
They put some
Scottish rats in a car.
395
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:31,440
Researchers from
Cambridge University think that...
396
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:39,320
Therefore, they are more attuned
to spotting fakes, like Rod Stewart.
397
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,960
Rod Stewart's not real?
398
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,080
LAUGHTER
399
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,040
Who did Theresa May
impersonate recently?
400
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,400
Did you see her?
401
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:53,640
Was it James Brown?
402
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:57,080
I'm sure I've
seen the footage.
403
00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:00,280
"I feel like a sex machine."
404
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:01,320
It was, wasn't it?
405
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,720
Theresa May attempted a Scottish
accent in her opening speech
406
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:04,920
in the House of Lords...
407
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:05,960
Oh, right.
408
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,600
..cos she's in there now,
and she was telling a wee
409
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,040
story about her mentor,
Baroness Goldie.
410
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,920
My supporters indicated how generous
it was of her to give me
411
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,760
a gift, and she said...
412
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:22,760
"..it's
the companion on standing orders..."
413
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:26,920
There's Rod Stewart.
"..to read during the recess."
414
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,080
She's not the only former
Prime Minister who likes
415
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,240
to put on an accent.
416
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,280
Yes.
417
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:33,320
LORRAINE SIGHS
418
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,600
What's
Boris Johnson been doing?
419
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,520
Oh, he was in France.
Yes, he was.
420
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,440
And he gave a radio
interview in French.
421
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:39,640
You want to hear this?
422
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,840
Oh, really?
Yes, please.
423
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:48,800
Uh, la liberte de faire des choses
different et en particulier vous...
424
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,600
En oublie tous ces
deux ou trois annees.
425
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,560
What's he saying, Ian?
426
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,160
Er...
It's gibberish.
427
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:59,600
Yeah.
428
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,280
We have actually got
the official translation.
429
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,720
Would you like to see that?
430
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:08,080
Yes, please.
OK.
431
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:16,040
INDISTINCT MUTTERING,
LAUGHTER
432
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,320
It was a lorry load
of interesting cheeses.
433
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,280
In other news,
how has Richard III been
434
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:23,480
communicating from beyond the grave?
435
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,360
This feels
like one for you, Ian.
436
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,480
He's on Twitter.
437
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,680
No, he's on Good Morning
Britain, isn't he?
438
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,280
Well, there's a lady called
Yvonne Morley-Chisholm.
439
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,360
Yes.
440
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,520
She's a vocal coach
at the Royal Shakespeare Company.
441
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:37,560
Yep.
442
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:41,960
She has spent ten years of her life
perfecting an avatar of Richard II.
443
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,320
She has spent ten years of her life
perfecting an avatar of Richard III.
444
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,320
Oh, right.
Good.
445
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:49,000
Yes.
Which has revealed his voice.
446
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,920
Yes, of course.
It would do, wouldn't it?
447
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:51,960
Yeah.
It would.
448
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,280
"Why am I in this car park?"
449
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,440
According to BBC News,
the team studied his skull
450
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,840
to decipher how his facial muscles
would have looked and,
451
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,760
despite the fact he was born
in Northamptonshire,
452
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,480
declared that his accent was...
453
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,560
Oh, no way.
Does he sound like me?
454
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:06,880
Well...
455
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,040
Do you want to hear?
456
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,080
Yes.
OK.
457
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:13,920
Let's hear.
458
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,320
"The sun SHEENS with no less
459
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,600
LICHT and splendour.
460
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,840
"Nor does it suffer any
DIMIN-OO-SHON of its strength.
461
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:24,080
"Rather, it is PLEHZZED
to be SEHN..."
462
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:30,360
"..to SHEEN as a king
in the midst "of his NOBBLES."
463
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,560
I think he went
everywhere but Yorkshire.
464
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,240
He was...
465
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,120
He started off Irish and,
by the end, he was Billy Elliot.
466
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,640
Yeah.
467
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,160
Of course,
if you want to hear a really
468
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,000
typical Yorkshire phrase,
it would be, "There's too
469
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,440
many of them in our cricket team."
470
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,200
'Kin 'ell, Lorraine.
471
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,720
Sorry, Maisie.
472
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,400
Your show's getting
cancelled in the morning.
473
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,560
National treasure, my arse.
474
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,760
LAUGHTER
475
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:09,120
That's a proud boast.
476
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,080
APPLAUSE
477
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,000
Time now for
the Odd One Out Round.
478
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,440
Just one between you this week.
479
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,480
They are...
480
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:21,400
Kemi Badenoch, Swedish
minister Paulina Brandberg,
481
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,040
Edward VII and the French.
482
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,040
"Edward VII."
483
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,280
Which one's he?
You know your...
484
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:32,360
Edward VII is the bottom left.
He's the one...
485
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,400
BELL RINGS
486
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:34,440
I know one thing.
487
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,120
Yeah.
You know more than one thing.
488
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,040
You know your name
and where you live.
489
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:42,000
That's two things.
490
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,160
She was in the newspaper
because she hates bananas.
491
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,880
Oh, yes.
492
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,120
Yes.
Is that the Swedish politician?
493
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:49,160
Yes.
Yes, yes.
494
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,360
Fears and phobias.
495
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,760
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's the odd one out.
496
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,360
They've all got an unusual food
obsession, except for the Swedish
497
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,040
minister, Paulina Brandberg,
who has indeed got
498
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,080
an unusual food phobia.
499
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:06,600
And leaked emails to her staff
revealed that she asked them to...
500
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:07,800
What?!
Yes.
501
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,480
What's the technical term
for fear of bananas?
502
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,240
Bananaphobia.
503
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,640
It IS bananaphobia.
504
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,360
Oh, no!
It is.
505
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,760
Well, I thought Ian would, like,
go to the Latin for banana...
506
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,760
No.
..and do that.
507
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,520
No, he only knows one thing.
Yeah.
508
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,400
The only time you ever use
Latin for "banana" is when you're
509
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,280
in the British Museum,
talking to the Archbishop
510
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,240
of Canterbury.
511
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,800
Do you want
to tell me what drink
512
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,000
Kemi Badenoch is obsessed with?
513
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:40,600
It's Diet Coke.
514
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,480
It's actually Coke Zero, but it has
to be at room temperature.
515
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,400
Depends what the temperature
of the room is.
516
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:46,440
Yeah.
517
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,360
What did King Edward
VII's diet consist of?
518
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:50,000
Everything you could possibly eat...
519
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,040
Absolutely.
..he did.
520
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,360
He was a renowned glutton.
521
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,280
Yeah.
So his food obsession was...food?
522
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,440
Just basically everything.
This is what you would eat.
523
00:23:58,440 --> 00:23:59,480
Breakfast...
30 courses.
524
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,000
Lunch, eight courses.
525
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,200
Then there was afternoon tea,
then dinner, 12 courses and,
526
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:09,440
right before he went to bed,
he would have a supper of cakes.
527
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,400
Imagine following him into the lav.
It'd be absolutely awful.
528
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,040
The only way you'd ever follow
Edward VII into the lav
529
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:17,680
was if you were in a dinner
at the British Museum.
530
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,120
What British
food are the French
531
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:20,600
supposedly obsessed with?
532
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,360
Roast beef!
No!
533
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:24,840
No?
No, it's not.
534
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,000
Sausage rolls.
No.
535
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:30,960
Chocolate Fingers!
536
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,560
"Le Finger de Cadbury,"
is what they call them.
537
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,960
"Le Finger de Cadbury"?
That's a drag act, wasn't it?
538
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,120
There's now outrage
in France because the biscuits have
539
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:41,000
not been seen on supermarket shelves
since the spring, and the makers
540
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,000
have not explained why.
541
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,080
Oh.
542
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,240
So how do you think
the French have reacted?
543
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:46,400
Protest!
544
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:47,440
Rioting.
545
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:54,200
Academic Sophie Thiron
told Le Monde...
546
00:24:55,560 --> 00:25:00,680
.."When Cadbury withdraws
its Fingers without warning..."
547
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,040
And you know...
548
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,160
That needs no further comment.
Would you...?
549
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,840
"Would you withdraw your
fingers without warning?"
550
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,680
Is that what you're asking us?
551
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:09,880
Would you like to see...
552
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,320
..a French...?
553
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,280
Well, obviously we would.
554
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,920
But whether we should
is another matter.
555
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,520
Go on, then.
556
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,680
Would you like to see
an old French advert
557
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,680
for Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers?
558
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:30,240
I believe I would.
Yeah.
559
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,200
INDISTINCT UNTRANSLATED FRENCH
560
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,600
Finger de Cadbury, c'est bon.
561
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,360
And well delivered
562
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:46,320
there by a young Boris
Johnson.
563
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,240
OK, Time now for the
Missing Words Round.
564
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:51,200
Shall we start with...?
565
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,440
..what?
566
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,920
It's got a fake Yorkshire accent.
567
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:57,960
No.
568
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:00,640
He buys a round.
569
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,040
MAISIE GASPS, LORRAINE GROANS
570
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:03,080
No.
571
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,720
"Fish called Bob causes
sensation in Leeds because...
572
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,640
"..he has a human face!"
573
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,920
No, he hasn't.
574
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,000
There's Bob.
Oh, yes!
575
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,960
He does.
He's got a human face.
576
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,000
He's got a 'tache and all.
577
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:23,960
I think I used to go
out with his sister.
578
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,720
..what?
579
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,040
"132 hamsters on the
Loose Women show."
580
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,520
Yes.
581
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:30,560
Oh.
582
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:34,360
They had to stand in for Janet
Street-Porter at the last minute.
583
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:36,600
LAUGHTER
584
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,080
It's...
585
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,360
"..cause chaos on a
flight to Portugal."
586
00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:46,520
That's like the world's shittest
sequel to Snakes On A Plane.
587
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:49,600
"Hamsters
On A Jet2 Flight."
588
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,120
Finally...
589
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,000
..what?
590
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,800
The opposition turning up.
591
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,280
It's ghosts, isn't it?
592
00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:58,800
It's the graveyard.
593
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:02,520
"..stadium being haunted."
594
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,200
Oh, yeah.
595
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,360
Oh!
Yeah.
596
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,760
The manager, Ian Holloway,
cited an example of the supernatural
597
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,160
behaviour during their last home
match when the ball was...
598
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,240
..POSSESSED by the opposition...
599
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:14,280
GROANS
600
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,440
..and they couldn't get it
back for 90 minutes.
601
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:17,480
"Possession."
602
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:18,760
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
603
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,400
Right.
He knows about football!
604
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:21,440
He knows!
Yeah.
605
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,160
No, I could do banter about this.
606
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,040
"Did you watch Match
Of The Day last week, Archbishop?"
607
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:30,040
Yeah.
608
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,600
The final scores are...
609
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,200
Five each!
610
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,640
..Ian and Matt
have got five...
611
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:36,840
Yeah, what have we got?
612
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:38,520
..and Paul and Maisie have got five.
613
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,240
Oh!
Wahey!
614
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,320
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
615
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,000
Right,
before we go, there's just time
616
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,040
for the caption competition.
617
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:47,240
The monkey's saying, "Hello, is
that the manager of Whipsnade Zoo?
618
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,680
"Guess who's in YOUR office."
619
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:54,040
LAUGHTER
620
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,240
"Hello?
Rats Taxis.
621
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,840
What's the pick up address, please?"
622
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:03,040
On which note, we say
"thank you" to our panellists,
623
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,440
Ian Hislop and Matt Chorley,
Paul Merton and Maisie Adam.
624
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,320
And I'll leave you with news that,
at a party in London,
625
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,720
one man reacts after the guest
of honour tells his
626
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:16,720
father's favourite joke.
627
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:19,720
In Florida,
one man wonders when his assistants
628
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,120
will hurry up with those earplugs
that he asked for.
629
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:27,120
LAUGHTER And in London,
the media are introduced
630
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:33,840
to the new editorial policy unit
at GB News.
631
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,760
LAUGHTER
632
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:37,800
Goodnight.
633
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:44,560
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44453
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