All language subtitles for Andy.Huggins.Early.Bird.Special.2023.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Andy Huggins
was born in Dallas,
February 4th, 1950.

in the early '70s,
he goes to college
and flunks out twice.

1977, then Andy moves
to Los Angeles,

where he becomes
a paid regular

at the world-famous
Comedy Store.

Then, in 1979, he doubles down
on his long-term relationship
with Jack Daniel's.

In 1981, Andy moves back
to Houston,

where he helps form
the original
Texas Outlaw Comics.

He finally sobers up
at the end of the '80s

and then hits the road
for the next three decades.

And then, in 2018,
he passes the auditions

for America's Got Talentbut doesn't get invited
to the show.

I didn't even think
they could do that.

That's a bunch of bullshit.

So, now, after 73 years
of being alive

and 45 years
doing stand-up comedy,

Andy Huggins
finally gets his
comedy special.

Please welcome
Andy Huggins!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I, uh, just paid off
my student loan.

The, uh, hard part
of stand-up comedy
used to be comedy.

I started walking towards
the stage 20 minutes ago.

I have become clumsy
in my old age.

Anybody ever dropped
their phone in the toilet?

Yeah? I did. And after I did,

I put the phone
in a bag of rice.

Anybody ever drop
a bag of rice in the toilet?

Damn it! Just me.

I, uh, took a quiz
on Facebook called,
"What's your spirit animal?"

I got "extinct".

I have an inner child,
but I don't think it's mine.

I had a colonoscopy.

And when it was over, they said,
we'll see you in ten years.

And I thought,
"The fuck, you will!"

I'm woke...

...for about
another five hours. Um...

I tried using
that face aging app,

they said, "Nah, you're good."

I have a 73% hearing loss.

I mean, what good
is a safe word if you're deaf?

A friend called me "old feller."
I thought he said, "Old Yeller."
And I bit him.

My crowd work was terrible.

I asked an audience member
where he was from.

He said, "My mama."
I heard "Miami" and said,
"I've been there."

My butt is shrinking.

You... You can't tell,
but right now I'm twerking.

Last night, I sat on the toilet,
slipped right in.

I told someone
to kiss my ass, he said,
"Where is it?"

I participate in sports,

specifically, mixed
martial arts and crafts.

I fight under the name
"Cray, Cray Crochet."

I lost a tooth.

Turns out it was
in the glass of water
with the rest of my teeth.

I talk too loud.

The other night,
I asked a lady out

and three different women
yelled, "No."

Here's something new
I learned.

Metrosexual isn't two people
screwing on the bus.

Somebody should have told me
that the phrase "a minute"
was being used ironically.

I was having dinner
with a woman. She said,

"I haven't had sex in a minute,"
and I said, "Holy crap,

"is there somebody
under the table?"

The, uh, wardrobe tonight

is from a new line of clothing
at Old Navy
called "Older Navy."

A few years, I'll be shopping
at Oldest Navy.

And then Burial at Sea.

I finally got my first pair
of ripped blue jeans...

Goddamn dog!

I cut this finger
opening a can of whoop-ass.

I was on the Internet
researching my family history.

Turns out I'm Scotch-Irish
on my mom's side.

Scotch and soda on my dad's.

I am a recovering alcoholic.

Thirty-four years sober.

Thank you.

There were... There were
a lot of one night stands
back in the day.

Here's how it would go.
I would get drunk, meet a woman,

go back to my place, have sex,
call myself a cab, leave.

Remember it was my place.

I was a quiet drunk.

Some people would say,
"passed out".

The haters.

One night,

I got drunk and passed out
in a neighbor's front yard.

When I came to,
I was part of a yard sale.

I was a blackout drunk.

Now, I have senior moments.

I can't catch a break.

I've spent most of my life
asking questions
to total strangers.

Questions like, "You tell me,
you're the cop!"

The great love of my life
I met in a bar.

We met when I fell off
my bar stool.

She was already on the floor.

One night,
that lady asked me to spank her.

I ask her why.
She said, "I'm into discipline."

So, instead of spanking her,
I made her go
stand in the corner.

"Who is your grandpa?"

That was
a difficult relationship. Uh...

She had multiple personalities,
and I'm bad with names.

Like... Like any drunk,
I thought,

I could
manage my drinking.

I remember, after one
particularly rough weekend,

on Monday, I decided
I would only drink after dark.

Tuesday, I bought curtains.

In college, I wrote
a paper entitled

"The History
of Public Intoxication

"in the United States
of America

"from colonial times
to early this morning."

I flunked out of college twice.

First time,
because I was a drunk.

Second time, I was sober,
but the shit was hard.

I had a favorite drinking game.

My favorite drinking game
was called, um,

"Leave me the fuck alone."

Rules are real simple.

All you needed
was a pack of Marlboro Reds

and a Jack Daniel's
on the rocks.

Actually, that's all I needed.

All you needed
was to leave me the fuck alone.

I love drinking
during the holidays.

I get drunk
and go trick-or-treating.

Every holiday, I would get drunk
and go trick-or-treating...

...which made
for an odd Arbor Day

in my neighborhood.

I would get drunk
before the show.

- Not my show.Good Morning America.
-

I was on, uh,
what I call my military diet.

Captain Morgan and Cap'n Crunch.

I got arrested
for drunk driving.

Not only was I drunk,
but I'd been smoking hash.

When I took
the breathalyzer test,

I inhaled, tried to pass it
to the cop.

YOLO.

So, I was arrested, pled guilty.

For my community service,
I left the community.

My first Alcoholics Anonymous
meeting did not go well.

I mean, it's anonymous, right?

I wore a ski mask.

The 1970s were a great time
to be a drunk.

When making a phone call,
you didn't have
to dial the area code first.

Those extra three numbers
would have fucked me up
pretty good. I'd...

I'm gonna give y'all
some good advice.

No, I'm gonna give y'all
some great advice.

If you're ever lying
in bed drunk
and the room is spinning...

- Anybody know what I'm...
-Yeah.

Okay, you know. Okay. I'm gonna
give you some great advice.

If you're ever
lying in bed drunk
and the room is spinning,

don't try to stand up.

Roll off the bed onto the floor
and crawl in the direction
of the spin.

Don't crawl against the spin.

You crawl against the spin,
you end up right back in bed.

What the fuck is...
Uh, sorry.

I apologize for that outburst.

Smoked a lot of pot back then.

Back then,
you could get real high
just standing next to me.

I had street value,

At my draft physical,
my blood pressure
was 120 over groovy.

I did LSD...

...was able to see 40 years
into my future.

I was taking a nap.

Nailed it.

I had an acid flashback

while I was suffering
from acid reflux.

For six hours, I thought
I was a spicy buffalo wing.

In the '80s, I had
the obligatory cocaine habit.

Ugly drug. Ugly drug.

But it did give me
the necessary focus
and energy I needed

to stay up all night
grinding my teeth.

I went to an ecstasy party,

and I was hugging everybody
because my last name is Huggins.

Unfortunately, I tried
to hug somebody
whose last name was Shank.

I quit doing drugs in 1985,

I wanted to focus
on my drinking.

I, uh... I use this for balance,
support and social distancing.

It's a gift from my, uh,
my best friend and...

I'm an idiot.
He knows I'm an idiot.
But a user's manual?

What the fuck, Jimmy?
What are you...

Walking can be
difficult for me at times.

I do worry about tripping
and falling, so I wear a helmet.

Also I worry
about looking ridiculous,
so I carry a skateboard.

I read that, at my age,

if you fall down,
you're likely to fall down
a second time.

So, if I fall down,
I'm not getting up.

What's the fucking point?

Do you all know those, uh,
bathtub applications

you put on the bathtub floor
to keep from slipping?

When I do walk,
I toss them ahead of me.

That's also how
I find my way home.

A, uh, friend on Facebook
suggested I get a bicycle.

That friend's been blocked.

I do exercise.

I start every morning
with ten minutes
of coughing in place.

Followed by 15 minutes of CPR.

I have quit a lot of bad habits.

For instance,
with the help of nicotine gum,

I was able to quit the patch.

And with the help of cigarettes,
I was able to quit nicotine gum.

I, uh...
I was a heavy smoker.

I'd even smoke
when I went jogging,

which is stupid, of course.

So, I quit jogging.

I tell you what,
I'd love smoking cigarettes.

I'd smoke after sex.

I'd smoke during sex.

Sometimes I would skip sex
and just smoke cigarettes.

I am officially an old man.

I give unwanted advice
to total strangers.

I told a kid
to pull his pants up.
His underwear was showing.

He mocked me,
tried to give me a wedgie.

But the joke was on him.
I was wearing Depends.

I'm not on Twitter.

But I will stop people
on the street

and tell them shit
they're not interested in.

That... That's
#WhereYouGoing

and #I'mNotDoneTalking.

#CatchTheseHands.

I'm not into sexting.

But I will stop people
on the street and show them shit
they're not interested in.

That's #Don'tCallTheCops.

#I'mBeggingYou
PleaseDon'tCallTheCops.

I, uh, got a brochure
in the mail

for a prepaid cremation.

No, no, It's a great deal.

If you die in a fire,
you get half your money back.

Thinking of getting a tattoo.

I'm just not sure
what kind I want to get yet.

I'm thinking
maybe barbed wire...

A dagger...
My home address.

It's tough getting older.

Looked up, saw that light,
started to walk towards it.

Went into an antique store,
they wouldn't let me leave.

I asked Siri a question
about my life expectancy,

and she changed the subject.

There's some advantages
to being my age.

Frequently, people will stand
and offer me their seat,

which is great on the bus,
a little creepy
in the men's room,

I can now ride
the city buses of Houston...

For free.

So, ladies, I can be anywhere
in four and a half hours.

I have a hobby.

I Google diseases
and their symptoms.

Evidently, I died
four days ago.

Which makes this
pretty impressive.

I also like to get
in the express line
at the grocery store

and count items
in other people's baskets.

"Oh, I don't think so, lady."

"Not on my watch."

"You take your scooter
and scoot."

I went to the doctor
'cause I thought
I had arthritis.

I don't.
I have early onset rigor mortis.

A friend asked me
if I wanted to participate

in the Adopt
A Grandparent Program.

I said, "Sure."

Now I have a 95-year-old man
on my hands.

I'd love to be a grandfather,
but I don't even have children.

I need to get busy.

Ladies, I can be anywhere
in four and a half hours.

Every time
I'd leave my apartment,

I have to go back
because I forgot something.

Tonight. I reached
for my wallet.

Wouldn't you know it?
I'd forgotten my pants.

I found this new technique
which has improved my memory.

I quit listening to people
so I have less shit
to remember.

I...

The other day, got involved
in an incident of sidewalk rage.

I'm walking this way.

A guy my age, walking back
the opposite direction.

We're both talking
to ourselves out loud.

I think he called me Gandalf,
I'm not sure.

Anyway, it was on.

We threw down...

Our cardigans.

Police had to break it up,
which was a good thing

because I was on the verge
of being able to make a fist.

I tell you what,
there are a couple of people...

Yeah. When you get to be my age,

time just starts
to fucking fly by.

It's amazing.
It's amazing, right?

There's somebody agreeing.

It seems like only yesterday
I was on the playgrounds
of Virginia.

Shooting hoops, balling.

That's two Ls.

Not W-L.

Throwing down slam dunks,

One-handed, two-handed.
People chanting my nickname.

Black Jesus.

I'm tired. It's almost like
I got no sleep
at all last night.

The people in the apartment
next to me were having a party.

Loud music,
raucous conversation.

Went on seemingly forever.

I mean, for God's sakes,
it's 9:00 at night.

And I had to be up in 12 hours.

Excuse me a second
while I take care of somethin'.

I can put this on either, uh,
vibrator or defibrillator.

So...

I take this out to see
what time it is.

So, I know how long
I've been on,
so I know when to get off.

Here's the problem.

If you don't look
at the goddamn thing
before you come on stage...

...then 8:04
doesn't mean jack shit,
quite frankly.

I got-- spent, what,
three minutes, uh,
the other night

looking for this
while I was talking on it.

And the idiot I was talking to
was no help.

He asked me, "You want me
to give you a call?"

I, uh, love, my iPhone,

but it's so perfect--

The other night,
I got so angry at my iPhone,

I almost threw it
against the back wall.

And here's
how crazy angry I was.

I asked Siri
if she had any last words.

She did. She said,
I didn't have the balls.

I didn't.

I, uh, just broke up

with my girlfriend, Lori.

She wants to see other people,
and I hate company.

We didn't have enough in common.

Lori likes to go dancing.

I like to stomp my foot
till I get some feeling back.

I used the expression
"ahead of schedule".

Lori preferred
the word "premature."

'Course, we had to
go to Facebook,

change our relationship status.

I have. "It's complicated."
Lori has, "No, it ain't."

This is the second time
we've broken up.

First time, I caught her
Googling "assisted living".

We met in a grocery store.
My mind was wandering,

I accidentally bumped into Lori.

Lori got annoyed, said "WTF?"

I said, "No. AARP."

For our first date,

we went out to dinner
or, as Lori called it, lunch.

I wanted to be fair with Lori,
so I told her
I was older than I look.

She said, "That's not possible."

Our first night together
was a disaster.

Lori believes
in the zombie apocalypse,

and I forgot to tell her
I sleepwalk.

The sex was great,
the bedroom could get noisy.

I'd be yelling, "Sweet Jesus!"

Lori'd yell, "God,
why has thou forsaken me?"

And, of course, at some point,
the nurse yells, "Clear!"

That's what's
known as a triage a trois.

Lori loved
role-playing in the bedroom.

Once for four nights in a row,
she was a different Golden Girl.

Another time, she was, uh,
Catwoman and I was Batman.

Well, Alfred.

A couple of nights later,
she was Jackie Kennedy
and I was, uh, Alfred.

I just owned the one suit.

In my favorite fantasy,
Lori did a striptease

while I yelled at her
to get off my front yard.

Sometimes we skipped foreplay,
went right to intercourse.

We call that
the senior citizen discount.

Some nights,
didn't go well in the bedroom.

Lori didn't hesitate
to let me know.

One morning, I woke up
and my body
was outlined in chalk.

There were pennies in my eyes.

Lori came up
with a new position.

It's a variation
on the reverse cowgirl.

It's called
the reverse mortgage.

There's a lot of paperwork
involved, you know.

Kind of boring, quite frankly.

One girlfriend got pissed off
when we broke up.

I don't own a car.
So, she keyed a metro bus.

My very first date...

ever... was, uh,
my sophomore year

in high school.

The Sadie Hawkins Day dance.

Girl asked me out
'cause she heard I was easy.

I started that rumor.

That was back
when I was proactive.

I reached my sexual peak
40 years ago.

I'm down to one shade of grey.

Two shades, if I catch a nap
in the afternoon,

I love my fucking naps.

I, uh, I take
one 15-minute nap every hour.

I call that rebooting.

Sex is still exciting.
I never know
what's going to happen first,

the orgasm or the foot cramp.

You want to get them both
at the same time.

I, uh...

Once dated a lady
who wore camouflage pajamas

and slept
on camouflage bedsheets.

Instead of foreplay,
I had to go on reconnaissance.

I was in bed with a cheerleader,

and she whispered in my ear,
"Give me the D."

I whispered in her ear "D,"
then waited for the next letter.

So...

- I'm back on the dating scene.
-Whoo!

I'm looking
for a rich widow woman.

I want to spend
my twilight years
as some lady's geezer toy.

A geezer toy's like a boy toy,
but with shorter hours.

A lady asked me if I wanted
to participate in a polyamorous

relationship, which involves
multiple partners.

I said, "Sure, but we're gonna
need name tags."

I participated
in senior speed dating.

Now on regular speed dating,
you're sitting at a table
with a woman,

the bell rings,
you move to another table.

In senior speed dating,
you're sitting at a table
with a woman,

a bell rings, you wake up.

You yell at whoever keeps
ringing that goddamn bell.

Trying to take a nap here, pal.

I'd love to be married.

And at 72 years old, I'm ready
to make a lifetime commitment.

I want to be either married
or adopted, one of y'all choose.

I don't care.

Okay. I just decided something
because I do
want to be in a relationship.

But I don't have the focus
or the energy
to get onto the dating scene.

So, I will pay anybody $50,000
to find me a lady friend.

Now she has to be kind,
she has to be fun.

And she has to be wealthy,
because I'm gonna
owe somebody $50,000

Earlier this--
Before I came up
here tonight,

I was talking
to my neighbor,

Barton, gentleman about my age.

And he was telling me
some bullshit story...

about being at Woodstock,
which pissed me off.

'Cause that's my
bullshit story.

I had to go
to my backup bullshit story.

Apollo 13.

We live
in an interesting neighborhood.

We don't have a neighborhood
crime watch program.

We do have a neighborhood
Peeping Tom who helps out.

Barton loves Judge Judy.

Thinks she's hot.

After every ruling, he yelled,
"Erection sustained."

Barton's a big believer
in conspiracies.

He believed the government
faked both the moon landing
and his wife's orgasms.

Barton and his wife, Margaret,
recently remarried.

When Margaret said, "I do,"
Barton said,
"Goddamn it! Not again."

His grandson
has a lot of body piercings.

It's just nothing but metal...

hanging all over his body.

He works as a wind chime.

I have a nice apartment.

Have a lot of plants.

Some people would say mold.

The haters.

I tell you what,
those fucking haters
are everywhere.

My place is a pigsty.

I have a maid that comes
in once a week and cries.

Well, no doubt about it.

Y'all are a terrific audience.

Not all... Yeah.
Give yourselves
a round of applause.

Not all audiences
are as terrific as y'all.

A couple of Fridays ago,
a guy was talking during my act,

which pissed me off.

Because he was
talking in his sleep.

A lot of comics do very well.

A lot of comics
make what they call
"fuck you" money.

Enough money to tell
the rest of the world
"Fuck you."

I'm currently making
"Fuck me" money.

There were no, uh,
open mics when I started.

I had to do stand-up
door to door.

Took forever
to set up the lights.

Everybody wants to do stand-up
these days.

And I give all
the newcomers the same advice.

"Get the fuck away from me."

Actually, I get along well
with the comics here in Houston.

They can be overprotective.

If I pause too long
between jokes,
they dial 911.

I, uh, have done some acting.

I was in a local production
of West Side Story.

I played Alfred.

Boy, the other actors
were pissed.

I, um, have a very important
summertime job

with The Weather Channel.

They tell me
what the temperature is,

and I tell them
what it fucking feels like.

I, uh, was
on America's Got Talent

uh, about four year...
Thank you.

About, uh, four years ago,

and Mel B of the Spice Girls

did not like my jokes,
which was disappointing.

'Cause I wanted to open
for her group.

I could have been Old Spice.

I am blessed to be able to do
stand-up at my age.

There are problems
from time to time.

A couple of Saturdays ago,
before I went on stage,

I asked a club manager,
"How much time do I have?"

He said, "Can't be much."

You all have been a delight.
Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Andy, Andy, Andy!

Andy, Andy, Andy...

Thank you very much.
Um, please, uh...

I, uh... The...
The goal was to do

forty, forty-five minutes.

Which involves,
uh, some 200 jokes.

And I told Slade...
Actually, I told anybody
that would listen.

I'm gonna forget
some fucking jokes.
There's no way...

So...

-Go, Andy!
- We're gonna... We're gonna...
I think...

I think I got every one of 'em.
But we're gonna go over this
and see if indeed...

Um...

First things first...

I, uh... Looking at this...
Oh, here we go.

I just had my favorite drink.
back at the bar.
Red Bull and Metamucil.

If you want to order one
it's called
Sex On The Beach, My Ass!

How the fuck
did I forget that one?

Oh, well.

You know,
any other comic would have
all this shit

on their iPhone
or something. I...

Legal pad and, uh...
and a ballpoint pen.

Uh, you know what?
I'm not going to, uh...

I think... You know what?

I think I remembered
every fucking joke.
This is, uh...

We love you, Andy.

Hmm. Nah. Nah, nah.

Don't applaud
because I did my goddamn job.

I mean, really...

That shouldn't be, uh...
That shouldn't be
worthy of applause.

Uh, of course,
Lori would wear a hoodie.
I was in my snuggie.

Glad I forgot that one, um...

Okay, here's one I forget
to do every time. Um...

For me, the damnedest
saying about sex is,

it's sometimes difficult to know
when you're pleasing
a woman sexually.

I have this friend that
what he does is,

he has his girlfriend recite

the multiplication timetables
during the act,

on the theory that
if she's able to do simple math,

then he's not
performing up to par.

Sounded good to me.
I made the suggestion to Lori.

She was able to do logarithms.

She was into advanced calculus
when I told her to shut the...

All my friends are comics,
which means
my funeral won't start on time.

I love that joke.
How could I forget that joke?

Okay, You know what?

We're back to the, uh,
the first page.

Um, let me see if I can do this
with some grace,

Not, uh... Not likely,
but bear with me here.

I, uh...

I am blessed
in so many ways,
too numerous to count.

I, uh, love...

being a stand-up comic,

which means I love audiences.

And at the moment,
I particularly love you people.

Thank you very much. Good night.

All right. Well, I wrote,
uh, Andy's...

My favorite joke
of Andy's, right...
on this paper, right here.

No...

Favorite Andy Huggins bit. Okay.

...killed the sons.
Hold on. Let me start over.

- 'Cause...
- Right on this...

I'm a touch stoned.
I don't mind telling you,
so fuck off.

It's got to be
the moment he says, uh...

- How'd he do it? He goes...
- Uh, I love this one
that Andy does.

- I'm butchering it.
- My favorite Andy Huggins bit...

- My favorite joke of Andy's...
- My favorite Andy Huggins' joke

is where he talks about
getting a DUI.

"One time I got pulled over
for drinking and driving.

"I'd also been smoking hash."

And when the cop hands
him the Breathalyzer,

instead of exhaling,
he inhales like a vape...

YOLO.

Favorite joke of Andy's...
On this... this...

- That's now on...
- "Lori and I...

"The bedroom
would get kind of noisy,

"and I'd be yelling,
'Sweet Jesus!"

"And she'd be yelling, 'God,
why has thou forsaken me?'"

Great thing about Andy Huggins
is he's not obsessed
with social media.

Like, he doesn't have Twitter.

He will stop you on the street
and tell you shit
you're not interested in though.

I rode a public bus today,
I guess I'm a metrosexual.

#WhereYouGgoing,
#I'mNotDoneTalkingYet.

"Back when I was drinking,
I used to get drunk
before every show.

"Not my show.Good morning America."

"I thought I would play a joke
on a friend of mine.

"I thought I would
ring his doorbell
and run. Forgot to run."

"That would have been
really embarrassing,

"but I also forgot
to ring the doorbell."

"Time flies when you're my age.

"Seems like just yesterday
I was out on the courts
in Houston, Texas.

"Balling, throwing down
slam dunks one-handed,
two-handed.

"Whole time the crowd
chanting my nickname.

"'Black Jesus,

"'Black Jesus, Black Jesus.'"

You know, the thing about...
the thing about this joke

is there's actually nothing
written on this paper.

I'm working with Andy
in Panama City, Florida.

We're in the back of the room,
comedian's on stage.

Andy's pacing back and forth.
This is back when he could pace.

And, uh, watching the comic...

Andy paces, he stops
in front of me, he says,

"Jim, you know what comic
I hate the worst?"

I said, "No." He yells, "The one
who's on right before me."

He looks up at the light
and points out and he goes,

"Saw that light.
Started to head towards it."

Will stand right on the edge
of the stage
and look down and say

"Oh, I swear to God, I'll jump."

A lot of these young comics,
they come up and they ask me
who would win in a fight.

Batman or Superman.

And I always respond
with, "I don't give a fuck."

I come from a family
of six kids.

Three boys, three goats.

My favorite Andy Huggins joke

is when he says
he used to smoke a lot of pot,

so much that
he has street value.

"I'm up to one shade of grey."

"But if I take a nap
in the bus that afternoon,

"I have two shades
of grey."

"Back when I was drinking,
I had a favorite drinking game.

"It was called,
'Leave me the fuck alone.'

"The rules were real simple.

"All you needed
was a pack of Marlboro Reds,

"a Jack Daniel's On the Rocks,

"Actually, that's all I needed.

"All you needed
was leave me the fuck alone."

"Scientists at the University
of Virginia have discovered

"how crickets make those noises
when they rub
their legs together.

"Turns out crickets are wearing
tiny little corduroy pants."

"I'm really afraid
of falling down, so..."

"My doctor told me
I have to wear a helmet now.

"...but I don't want
to look ridiculous.

"So, I carry a skateboard
under my arm."

"I just paid off
my student loans."

When he says,
"catch these hands."

"I ride the metro bus..."

You know, when he talks
about how he's twerking.

"You can't tell right now.
But I'm twerking."

"So, I just broke up
with my boyfriend, Lori.

"He was super
into role playing
in the bedroom.

"This one time
he dressed up as Batman

"and I was Alfred."

"I quit smoking, used the patch.

"Every time I want a cigarette,
I just kind of... I rub
the patch... The patch...

"This is my blowjob patch,
this is a cigarette patch.

Uh, you know...

There's more to that bit,
but I don't remember.

I called Danny Rios in San Diego

and he was like, "I don't
remember it, whatever."

When he was talking
about his drinking days.

When he was blackout drunk,
woke up on the front lawn
of a yard sale,

and two guys are haggling
over his unlit cigarette.

He sits down, he says,

"The hardest part
about stand-up comedy

"used to be the comedy."

He said, "I met
the love of my life,
Lori, at the bar.

"I fell off my bar stool,
and when I hit the ground
she was already there."

"So I was dating a girl
much younger than me, Lori.

"And when I met her,
I bumped into her in a bar
and she goes,

"WTF?' I was like, 'No, AARP.'"

"I don't have a car,
but at my age,

"I get to ride
the metro bus for free.

"So, ladies, I could be
anywhere in the city
in four and a half hours."

"I asked the host one time
at a show

"'How much time I got left?'
and the host said,

"'It can't be much.'"

I never laughed harder
in my life for five minutes.

That's my favorite.