Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:08,934
Hey, everybody.
Thanks for coming.
2
00:00:08,934 --> 00:00:10,634
What's up, Dad?
Why did you call us?
3
00:00:10,634 --> 00:00:12,033
We just got back
from the doctor's,
4
00:00:12,033 --> 00:00:14,334
and I wanted to talk about
your mom and the baby.
5
00:00:14,334 --> 00:00:15,934
Something wrong?
No, no.
6
00:00:15,934 --> 00:00:18,601
Oh, man. I bet she's
gonna do one of those
home birth deals,
7
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:21,334
and we all have
to watch.
8
00:00:21,334 --> 00:00:23,801
No, it's not that.
It's just that...
9
00:00:26,567 --> 00:00:28,501
Roseanne is pregnant.
10
00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:31,033
Dan, we knew that.
11
00:00:32,901 --> 00:00:34,868
Yeah, maybe the doctor
didn't, though.
12
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:39,367
You know, maybe, uh,
he thought she was just,
you know...big.
13
00:00:39,367 --> 00:00:42,367
No, see,
the problem is...
14
00:00:42,367 --> 00:00:46,667
Roseanne is still pregnant,
and she will be for another
couple of months...
15
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:49,267
When the hell are we
gonna get a gun?
16
00:00:50,567 --> 00:00:52,133
...and she's not real happy
about it.
17
00:00:52,133 --> 00:00:54,434
Well, Beck
those cinder blocks
behind our trailer,
18
00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:55,868
they ain't gonna stack
themselves, so--
19
00:00:55,868 --> 00:00:58,467
Yeah.
Sit down, Mark.
20
00:00:58,467 --> 00:01:01,734
Now, Mrs. Conner is going
through something called
"nesting."
21
00:01:01,734 --> 00:01:04,367
See, pregnant women
always want to make
their homes
22
00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:06,501
as comfortable as possible
for the new baby.
23
00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:09,033
All right, I got jobs
for you people.
24
00:01:09,033 --> 00:01:11,300
Do what you're told,
you won't get hurt.
25
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:16,100
Though in Mrs. Connor's case,
her role is mostly supervisory.
26
00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:18,400
See, we need to fix
this place up for
the new baby.
27
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:22,300
It's a pig sty,
and this baby is used to
four-star accommodations.
28
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:26,167
You've done a great job
at keeping it up, honey.
29
00:01:26,167 --> 00:01:28,901
Shut up, Dan.
30
00:01:28,901 --> 00:01:31,834
All right, I want fresh
flowers in every window.
Mark, that's for you.
31
00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:33,601
Uh, what kind
of flowers?
32
00:01:33,601 --> 00:01:36,601
Green on one end
and colored on the other.
33
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:41,734
Need new shelf paper.
Becky, you're really good
at not dropping stuff,
34
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:44,100
so that's yours.
35
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:45,901
Vacuuming and dusting,
that's DJ.
36
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:47,801
Ah, man!
Why me?
37
00:01:47,801 --> 00:01:51,400
Because I don't care
about vacuuming and dusting.
38
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,033
[doorbell rings]
And then we need some
healthy stuff around here.
39
00:01:54,033 --> 00:01:55,133
Fruits and vegetables.
40
00:01:55,133 --> 00:01:56,734
Jackie,
that's for you.
Got it.
41
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:59,434
And, uh, you might as well
pick me up some instructions
42
00:01:59,434 --> 00:02:03,033
on how to cook those things.
43
00:02:03,033 --> 00:02:06,267
And, uh, then I want
the whole place to smell
better-- Dan.
44
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:10,801
David.
45
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:13,801
Uh, well, I guess maybe
I could simmer
46
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,367
a little spring-rain
potpourri in a diffuser.
47
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:17,968
[door closes]
48
00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:22,200
Okey-dokey.
49
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,033
Dad, you got
a registered letter.
Uh-uh.
50
00:02:24,033 --> 00:02:25,801
Oh, my God. No, Dan.
51
00:02:25,801 --> 00:02:27,501
Not any bad news.
Not now.
52
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:30,868
You're right.
This is a very bad
time for bad news.
53
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:33,767
We can open this later.
It's probably just
my seed catalog.
54
00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:35,868
Anyway, hon, you were, uh,
giving out instructions?
Give me that.
55
00:02:35,868 --> 00:02:37,400
Mmm.
56
00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:40,267
Mmm.
57
00:02:40,267 --> 00:02:42,667
Oh, my God.
58
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:45,801
Oh, whatever it is, baby,
we can get through it together,
59
00:02:45,801 --> 00:02:47,801
or I could bear
the brunt of it.
60
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:51,601
We've been picked
to be a Nielsen family.
61
00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:54,400
Oh, Roseanne!
62
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,334
Oh, that's
so much power.
63
00:02:56,334 --> 00:02:59,667
Oh, it is, man,
and I am ready for it, too,
64
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:00,868
I'll tell you what.
65
00:03:00,868 --> 00:03:03,167
Two weeks from now,
you're gonna see
66
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:06,067
Bryant Gumbel spinning
plates in Vegas.
67
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:57,767
All righty,
Mr. and Mrs. Conner,
you are all hooked up.
68
00:03:57,767 --> 00:04:00,434
As of this moment, you are
officially a Nielsen family.
69
00:04:00,434 --> 00:04:02,234
Do you hear that, Dan?
70
00:04:02,234 --> 00:04:05,934
We are smack-dab in the
white-hot center of show biz.
71
00:04:05,934 --> 00:04:07,901
Hold me.
72
00:04:07,901 --> 00:04:11,901
For the next year, that box
will monitor everything
your family watches.
73
00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:15,701
and your viewing habits
will effect the lives of
millions of other people.
74
00:04:15,701 --> 00:04:19,601
Man, this must be
what it feels like
to vote.
75
00:04:21,501 --> 00:04:23,767
Now, I just want to verify
some of the answers
76
00:04:23,767 --> 00:04:25,267
you put here
on your questionnaire.
77
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,934
I see that you both
graduated from high school,
78
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,167
but did either of you
go to college?
79
00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:33,868
No.
No, but we did egg
a college once.
80
00:04:33,868 --> 00:04:36,200
And your children?
Sat in the car.
81
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,767
No, no, no.
82
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,434
It's just I see two
of them are at least 18.
83
00:04:42,434 --> 00:04:43,567
Did they graduate
high school?
84
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:45,767
Nope.
David graduated.
85
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:48,434
That's right.
Ha-ha-ha.
86
00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:51,501
Oh, but he's not
our kid.
87
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:54,601
He lives in the basement.
88
00:04:54,601 --> 00:04:55,834
Came with the house.
89
00:04:57,267 --> 00:04:58,701
Why you gotta ask
all this stuff?
90
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,334
Well, the advertisers
not only like
91
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,868
to know how many people
watch certain programs,
92
00:05:02,868 --> 00:05:05,434
but also what type
of people they are.
93
00:05:05,434 --> 00:05:08,868
Uh-huh, and, uh,
what type of people
are we?
94
00:05:08,868 --> 00:05:11,801
Oh, you're a fine,
fine type of people,
95
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:14,601
like many of the people from
this type of neighborhood.
96
00:05:14,601 --> 00:05:18,467
Large households,
modest income,
required education only.
97
00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:21,934
Are you calling
us stupid?
98
00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:23,801
Dan, he's calling
us stupid.
99
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:29,067
He is?
100
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:32,033
Uh, n-no.
101
00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:34,334
We don't think of any
of our viewers as stupid.
102
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,534
Really, uh, look,
if there's a problem,
103
00:05:36,534 --> 00:05:38,300
we can just call
this off.
104
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,801
Honey?
No, I wanna be
a Nielsen family.
105
00:05:40,801 --> 00:05:42,734
Our whole lives
have been building
towards this.
106
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:46,567
Good.
Thank you so much
for participating.
107
00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:49,200
If you have any questions,
there's an 800 number
behind the box.
108
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:50,534
That means the call
is free.
109
00:05:50,534 --> 00:05:52,167
Yeah, we know
what it means.
110
00:05:53,934 --> 00:05:57,267
Anyway,
just go on doing what
you're doing.
111
00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:58,834
Watch TV like
you always do.
112
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:02,801
Huh, if that means
"all the time,"
consider it done.
113
00:06:02,801 --> 00:06:04,801
Great. Thanks.
114
00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:06,434
Hot dog!
115
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:09,934
Time to down a sixer
and help shape the
culture of America.
116
00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:12,834
Do you believe that, Dan?
They think we're dumb hicks.
117
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:15,767
They just wanna hook up
some poor, uneducated slobs,
118
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:17,367
so the country
has somebody to blame
119
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:20,167
America's FunniestHome Videos on.
120
00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:23,501
So what?
They're paying us
13 cents a week.
121
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:25,434
See that little
box there, Dan?
122
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:28,601
That there Nielsen box
is a conspiracy.
123
00:06:28,601 --> 00:06:29,901
Yeah, that's what you said
124
00:06:29,901 --> 00:06:34,067
when they added
blue diamonds
to Lucky Charms.
125
00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:36,601
No, see,
they wanna make sure
that people like us
126
00:06:36,601 --> 00:06:40,467
watch crap like tractor pulls
and Jerry Springer, you know,
127
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,267
so the advertisers
can sell us all this stuff
128
00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:43,367
that we don't really need.
129
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:46,234
And then they take our money,
and they give it
130
00:06:46,234 --> 00:06:49,367
to these right-wing
Washington politicians
that cut school lunches
131
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,734
and all these other
budget cuts, you know,
to make sure that
132
00:06:51,734 --> 00:06:55,567
people like us
have no choice but
to stay people like us.
133
00:06:56,634 --> 00:06:58,968
And who the hell
wants to be us?
134
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:07,400
Can we still watch Montel?
135
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:11,300
No. We are not gonna watch
nothin' but PBS
136
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,334
and the Discovery Channel
and that other smart crap.
137
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:14,334
We'll show them.
138
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:20,467
I understand, uh,
they've got news on
everyday at six.
139
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:28,868
I'll tell you what,
five bucks on the winner.
** [new age]
140
00:07:28,868 --> 00:07:30,801
I don't like to bet
on these things.
Come on.
141
00:07:30,801 --> 00:07:33,734
It'll make it
more interesting.
Okay, I'll take the big one.
142
00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:38,634
Sucker.
A wolf fighting a moose?
143
00:07:38,634 --> 00:07:40,000
That's no contest.
144
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,467
How come we're not
watching the Bulls?
145
00:07:41,467 --> 00:07:45,167
I told you he was a sucker
for the nature programs.
146
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,801
Come on, Roseanne,
the guys are gonna be
over here soon
147
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,567
and they all wanna watch
the playoffs.
148
00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:52,067
What are you talking about?
This is sudden death.
149
00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:55,100
Don't just stand there.
Fight back.
[moose bawls on TV]
150
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,400
Keep your head down.
151
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,567
Use your antlers
for God's sake.
152
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,834
Oh! It's protecting
its young!
153
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:06,901
Fixed.
This idiot!
154
00:08:06,901 --> 00:08:10,501
Stupidest moose
in North America.
155
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:11,667
All right. Good.
He's dead.
156
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:13,534
Now can we turn on
the game?
157
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:15,734
Or do we still have
to impress this Nielsen guy?
158
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:17,534
Hey, it's not just
for him, Dan.
159
00:08:17,534 --> 00:08:20,067
I want a better environment
for our kid.
160
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,801
Look at the other
three kids we got off
of watching WrestleMania.
161
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,834
Do we really have
anything to lose?
162
00:08:24,834 --> 00:08:27,000
Fine. When the kid's six,
163
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,100
we'll start watching
the brainy crap.
164
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:32,467
I happen to know that
kids five and under enjoy
the same programs as me.
165
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,267
No, Dan.
Oh...
166
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:40,133
your lips say no,
167
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,167
but your eyes,
they say--
168
00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:47,868
How about that?
Your eyes say no, too.
169
00:08:47,868 --> 00:08:50,701
If you want to watch the game,
go over to Fred's,
170
00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:54,501
but don't blame me
if we grow apart
intellectually.
171
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,501
All right.
172
00:08:57,501 --> 00:09:00,767
Won't be as much fun
as watching with you.
173
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:04,267
I'll try to get by.
174
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:07,100
I would rather not have Dan
and his friends over
at my house.
175
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,033
Why? You don't have
to worry about Dan.
176
00:09:09,033 --> 00:09:12,133
He just got a new flea
and tick collar,
and he just got wormed.
177
00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:15,167
Not me, it's Fred.
178
00:09:15,167 --> 00:09:18,133
Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred.
179
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:21,234
You know how he can be.
180
00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:24,467
Or do you have to spend
341 days with him to
understand what I mean?
181
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:28,534
You know, I guess that
honeymoon just never
ended for you two, did it?
182
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:32,100
Just doesn't want a bunch
of people in his house
touching his things,
183
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:35,901
you know, moving something
from here to there.
184
00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:40,367
Talked about it in therapy.
It's one of his issues.
185
00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:42,234
That's the way it is
with men, Jackie.
186
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:44,434
They have
that outer child.
187
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:46,834
I'll call the guys
from Fred's.
188
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:48,901
Enjoy yourselves,
ladies.
189
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:51,801
I'm off to spend time
with a dumb TV.
190
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:53,133
You can't go.
191
00:09:55,234 --> 00:09:57,067
Why not?
192
00:09:57,067 --> 00:09:59,434
They've renamed
all the streets.
193
00:09:59,434 --> 00:10:00,868
You'll never find it.
194
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:05,667
I think what Jackie's
trying to say is that
195
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:09,334
she would rather be hung up
and bled like a hog
196
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:11,467
than have you
in her house.
197
00:10:13,601 --> 00:10:16,033
Great. Michael Jordan's
back in basketball,
198
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:18,601
but William F. Buckley
is live from Yale.
199
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,868
[chuckles]
200
00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:38,901
Don't even think
about it, Dan.
201
00:10:38,901 --> 00:10:41,767
I'm quicker than I look.
202
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:44,901
Let's play keep way,
kind of like with Mom
and her Midol.
203
00:10:48,968 --> 00:10:50,834
[chuckles]
204
00:10:51,934 --> 00:10:53,767
Oh! Oh!
[squeals]
205
00:11:00,934 --> 00:11:04,067
So much for that family
of kittens.
206
00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:15,834
Hello.
207
00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:17,501
It's a surprise visit
from your mother.
208
00:11:17,501 --> 00:11:19,667
Are you shocked?
209
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:21,767
Well, my pulse
just dropped severely,
210
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:24,267
and all my systems
have started to shut
down, so...
211
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:27,033
yeah, I think that
is shock.
212
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:29,100
I was doing a little
redecorating,
213
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:31,667
digging through
some old things,
214
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:37,000
and I thought perhaps
you might like to have
your old baby quilt.
215
00:11:39,734 --> 00:11:42,167
Thanks.
Well, actually, though,
216
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,601
that's the quilt
the dog died on.
217
00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:48,267
Hello, ladies.
Beverly.
218
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:50,267
What are you doing?
219
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:51,534
I'm gonna fix the couch.
220
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:53,133
When I get done,
it'll be as good as new.
221
00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:55,334
This couch is pretty old
and ratty.
222
00:11:55,334 --> 00:11:57,200
Why don't you just
throw it out?
223
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,200
Well, around here
we don't throw things out
224
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,901
just 'cause they're old
and ratty.
225
00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:08,000
And I mean, hell,
they can be old and
ratty and annoying,
226
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,200
and we still
keep them around.
227
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,100
Oh, I see.
228
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:15,501
Well, perhaps
I should just go.
229
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:17,300
You know, since
I'm redecorating,
230
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,300
I was gonna offer you
my old sofa.
231
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:20,934
Oh, that would be great.
232
00:12:20,934 --> 00:12:22,667
But maybe I shouldn't.
233
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:25,634
Perhaps that's
the kind of thing
you find annoying.
234
00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:30,400
You're not annoying, Mom,
when you're giving us stuff.
235
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,200
Rosie, can I talk
to you in the kitchen?
236
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,767
No. I don't remember
telling you
237
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:37,300
you could talk to me
in the living room.
238
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,434
Excuse us, Bev.
[sighs]
239
00:12:39,434 --> 00:12:42,367
If you don't want it,
I'll donate it to
my theater group.
240
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:44,534
They're doing Fiddler.
241
00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:46,701
We are not taking
her couch.
242
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:48,968
I can just as easily
fix ours.
243
00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:49,968
But she's right, Dan.
244
00:12:49,968 --> 00:12:51,200
Our couch is ugly,
245
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,567
and I want our baby
to grow up in a nice house,
246
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:56,834
or at least our house
with nice stuff in it,
247
00:12:56,834 --> 00:13:01,434
or at least our house
with crappy stuff in it
and one nice couch.
248
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:05,334
Honey, you do this
every time we have
a new baby.
249
00:13:05,334 --> 00:13:08,734
With Becky, you wanted
new wallpaper.
250
00:13:08,734 --> 00:13:11,634
Darlene, you wanted
to get rid of
the carpeting.
251
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:14,601
With DJ, you wanted
to get rid of Darlene.
252
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:17,200
See? And I'm always right.
253
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,901
I don't want to take
this couch and be more
indebted to Bev.
254
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:21,801
It's bad enough we took
that 10,000 from her.
255
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,234
Oh, come on.
That was over
three years ago.
256
00:13:24,234 --> 00:13:27,701
She has eaten dinner here
at least five times since then,
257
00:13:27,701 --> 00:13:30,400
and one of them times
was shrimp, so she owes us.
258
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,167
Okay, Mom, I vacuumed
the whole house.
259
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:40,901
Can I eat at Ralph's now?
260
00:13:40,901 --> 00:13:43,701
No, we're all gonna eat
in the living room
like a family.
261
00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:47,701
And look what we're having--
Peanut butter and bacon.
262
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:50,434
Are we watching PBS again?
263
00:13:50,434 --> 00:13:51,834
Yeah, but they have
a show on tonight
264
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:53,167
that the whole
family can enjoy.
265
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:54,801
It's a documentary
on beer making.
266
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,734
I don't wanna watch that.
267
00:13:57,734 --> 00:14:00,000
It's in English.
268
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,334
You're making me hate TV!
269
00:14:01,334 --> 00:14:02,501
Hey!
270
00:14:02,501 --> 00:14:04,868
Don't you ever say that,
not even in jest!
271
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,267
All right.
Fine. Go on.
272
00:14:08,267 --> 00:14:10,300
But don't blame me
if later in your life
273
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:13,934
you cannot tell
the difference
between hops and malt.
274
00:14:13,934 --> 00:14:16,767
Uh, Mom's not coming over
with the couch, is she?
275
00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:19,167
No. She won't ride
in the back of the truck,
276
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:22,067
and Dan won't let her
sit on all his maps.
277
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:23,734
Just in case
she does come over,
278
00:14:23,734 --> 00:14:25,834
don't tell her
about me and Fred
being in therapy.
279
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:28,734
You don't have to worry
about it, Jackie.
280
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:32,167
I already told her.
281
00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:33,367
How is that
therapy going, anyway?
282
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:36,367
I'm sick of it.
283
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:40,734
It's all this talk about
feelings and boundaries
and validations.
284
00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:43,734
Last week we learned
that Fred needs me
to wash the dishes
285
00:14:43,734 --> 00:14:45,701
before they go
in the dishwasher,
286
00:14:45,701 --> 00:14:49,467
because his sister
threw his tricycle
in the gully.
287
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,000
Well, why don't you
give yourself a break?
288
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,033
You know, just
forget about therapy
and all your problems,
289
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:58,133
and go home and fix
some romantic type
of dinner.
290
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:00,033
I don't know.
I know.
291
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,033
I'm telling you,
it really works.
292
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,300
It works for me and Dan.
293
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:05,667
There is not a man alive
who won't fall madly in love
294
00:15:05,667 --> 00:15:09,767
with you after
a fried bologna sandwich.
295
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,067
[Dan]
Rosie, we got it!
296
00:15:13,534 --> 00:15:15,901
Okay, so where
do you want it?
297
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:18,200
Um, let's see.
Balanced on
the banister?
298
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,334
No, in the same place
the other couch was.
299
00:15:21,334 --> 00:15:24,601
Oh, it looks great.
[grunts ]
300
00:15:24,601 --> 00:15:26,934
Yeah, and it's
surprisingly comfortable
301
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:29,601
for something made
entirely of lead.
302
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:31,100
I gotta get out of here.
303
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:34,467
My back's killing me from
carrying that ugly thing.
304
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,767
That's what we said
when you used to live here.
305
00:15:37,767 --> 00:15:39,734
You know what?
I'm gonna take off.
306
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:42,801
I am gonna go give that
romantic dinner idea a try.
307
00:15:42,801 --> 00:15:46,801
Good for you.
Any suggestions
on what I should wear?
308
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:49,701
Weren't you listening
when I told you?
309
00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:52,200
Fried bologna.
310
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,434
Ooh.
311
00:15:54,434 --> 00:15:55,634
Looks like everyone's gone.
312
00:15:55,634 --> 00:15:57,334
Just me and you and...
313
00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:59,567
information about pilsners.
314
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:02,033
Come join me, my pet.
315
00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:04,367
[groans]
[sighs]
316
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:06,100
Yeah, you sure were right
about this couch.
317
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,367
It's comfy.
It's good lookin'.
318
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:12,801
After a couple of beers,
it converts to a love seat.
319
00:16:12,801 --> 00:16:15,133
What's wrong?
320
00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:16,567
I don't like this sofa.
321
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,300
I drove many miles and may
have herniated a disk.
322
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:21,901
You love this sofa.
323
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:24,267
No, I don't.
It reminds me of Mom.
324
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:25,667
It looks like Mom.
It feels like Mom.
325
00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:27,267
It smells like Mom.
326
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:29,501
It's just like
sitting on Mom.
327
00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:31,367
I think you'd like that.
328
00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:36,601
Wait a minute.
[grunts]
329
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:41,133
[exhales,
clears throat]
330
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:44,868
[sighs]
331
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:52,200
[exhales]
No, don't work.
Get it out of here.
332
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,868
Are you kidding?
Burn it.
333
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:55,767
I can't.
Yeah, you can.
334
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:57,300
It's Mom's sofa.
It'll burst into flames
335
00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:00,067
if you just sprinkle
some holy water on it.
336
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:03,267
Rosie, you gotta calm down.
Obviously, it's the hormones--
337
00:17:04,434 --> 00:17:07,734
It is not
my hormones, okay?
338
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:09,701
It is a bad sofa,
and now I know why Mom
339
00:17:09,701 --> 00:17:11,200
puts the plastic
covers on it.
340
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,501
It's to keep the evil fresh.
341
00:17:12,501 --> 00:17:15,434
Okay, okay.
Calm down. Come on.
Don't.
342
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:18,601
We'll have it smelling
like family in no time.
343
00:17:18,601 --> 00:17:20,567
Come on.
All right.
344
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:22,767
Well, maybe
you're right.
I am.
345
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,100
[exhales]
346
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:25,534
But it isn't
my hormones!
347
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:29,100
No. A new couch
is a big change.
348
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,868
I mean, hell,
it's an adjustment for me,
349
00:17:30,868 --> 00:17:33,200
and I just have tiny,
insignificant guy hormones.
350
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,734
So...have you thought
of any names for the baby?
351
00:17:42,234 --> 00:17:44,567
I cannot believe that
you would ask me that now,
352
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:47,100
after I spend the day
groveling to my mother,
353
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,434
trying to save
my sister's marriage,
354
00:17:49,434 --> 00:17:52,300
and hauling around
your overgrown fetus
inside my body.
355
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:57,868
Now that was
my hormones!
356
00:18:07,801 --> 00:18:09,634
It's good.
Thanks.
357
00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:16,734
It's pretty easy
to make.
358
00:18:16,734 --> 00:18:18,000
Uh-huh.
359
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,601
[sniffs, exhales]
360
00:18:27,033 --> 00:18:29,934
Can you pass
the salt?
Here.
361
00:18:36,334 --> 00:18:37,334
You want some?
362
00:18:37,334 --> 00:18:38,367
The potatoes
are kind of blah.
363
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,067
Nope. No, thanks.
364
00:18:56,934 --> 00:19:00,367
How's Andy today?
Good.
Pretty good.
365
00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:30,033
I think
it's over, Fred.
366
00:19:30,033 --> 00:19:33,334
Yeah.
I think so, too.
367
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:38,367
I'll pack tonight.
368
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:44,200
[sighs]
369
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:56,667
What are you doing?
370
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:58,467
I'm watching
The Beverly Hillbillies.
371
00:19:58,467 --> 00:19:59,968
Jethro is ciphering.
[chuckles]
372
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:05,334
I love it when he does
the "gazindas."
373
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:07,434
"Four gazinda twelve
three times.
374
00:20:07,434 --> 00:20:09,601
"Two gazinda four
two times.
375
00:20:09,601 --> 00:20:12,601
Aught gazinda aught
aught times."
376
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,267
That's the one thing
about the Clampetts, Dan.
377
00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:17,234
No matter how much money
they got, you know,
378
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:20,234
the big house,
the fancy eating table,
the cement bond,
379
00:20:20,234 --> 00:20:22,234
they still love
a good possum.
380
00:20:22,234 --> 00:20:23,968
They're true
to their roots.
Yeah.
381
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:26,601
How many of these
have you watched?
382
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:27,801
All of them.
383
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,000
They're having
a Hillbillies marathon
384
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,734
in honor of Buddy Ebsen's
105th birthday.
385
00:20:33,934 --> 00:20:38,834
Channel 10 is rerunning
the Barnaby Jones.
386
00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:41,834
God bless Ted Turner.
387
00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:45,300
Yep.
So...
388
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:49,801
What are you doing out here?
Do you miss the old sofa?
389
00:20:49,801 --> 00:20:52,234
Mmm, yeah.
390
00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:54,601
Now I understand
why Granny made Jed
391
00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,868
build her that little cabin
out in the back.
392
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,767
You know all that
new stuff we got, Dan,
393
00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:04,367
and them fancy channels
we're trying to watch now?
394
00:21:04,367 --> 00:21:05,367
I just don't think
I can change
395
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:09,167
to that classy lifestyle
all at once.
396
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:10,767
Honey, a new couch and PBS
397
00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:14,100
isn't exactly
a classy lifestyle.
398
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:16,100
I mean, I thought
it would be cool to change
399
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,767
for the sake
of the baby and everything,
400
00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:21,400
but it isn't gonna happen.
401
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,234
We're white trash,
and we will stay white trash
402
00:21:24,234 --> 00:21:27,400
till the day they haul us
out to the curb.
403
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:33,100
Honey, I don't want you
to change.
404
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:37,634
Part of the reason I love you
is 'cause you're hill folk.
405
00:21:37,634 --> 00:21:41,000
Like that old saying,
"To thine own self be true."
406
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,133
Well, I'll be damned.
407
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:45,200
That ain't Shakespeare, is it?
408
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,901
You have been watching PBS.
409
00:21:49,234 --> 00:21:51,667
Actually, I got it
from a commercial.
410
00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,234
"To thine own self be true.
411
00:21:53,234 --> 00:21:56,267
[sing-song]
Shop at Eddie's Subaru."
412
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,767
Why don't we just move
this couch back into
the living room?
413
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:06,601
Mm-hmm.
What about the one
that Bev gave us?
414
00:22:06,601 --> 00:22:09,667
We'll put that out on the lawn
up on cinder blocks.
415
00:22:09,667 --> 00:22:11,701
I don't know.
416
00:22:11,701 --> 00:22:15,367
Most folks around here
don't have a sofa
on their front lawn.
417
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:20,000
We don't wanna appear
prideful in front of
them that ain't have.
418
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,000
I got a better idea.
Why don't we sell that sofa?
419
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,167
We won't tell Mom,
and we will spend
all that money
420
00:22:26,167 --> 00:22:30,400
on opossums
and rheumatism medicine.
421
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,501
[Both]
Reee-doggie!
422
00:22:35,501 --> 00:22:41,100
** [Beverly
Hillbillies theme]
423
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:56,200
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
32642
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.