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1
00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:02,767
** [harmonica]
2
00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:07,467
Hey, I'm home.
3
00:00:07,534 --> 00:00:09,000
Hey, Darlene.
4
00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:10,434
** [cartoon]
5
00:00:10,501 --> 00:00:12,133
Hello? Isn't anybody home?
6
00:00:13,434 --> 00:00:14,367
I'm right here!
7
00:00:14,434 --> 00:00:16,501
Mom? Dad?
8
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:17,534
D.J.!
9
00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,234
What?
10
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:24,167
Oh. Well, I guess that means
I get the TV all to myself.
11
00:00:25,267 --> 00:00:27,167
[click]
Oh, golf.
12
00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:29,234
I was watchin' that!
13
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:30,534
[faint applause]
14
00:00:30,601 --> 00:00:32,367
Hm, that's odd.
15
00:00:32,434 --> 00:00:35,834
I'm all alone, yet
I distinctly smell
foul breath.
16
00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:39,667
That's 'cause
I'm right here!
17
00:00:39,734 --> 00:00:41,801
Oh. Sorry, D.J.
18
00:00:41,868 --> 00:00:43,234
I didn't see ya.
19
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,701
But then I do have
troll blindness.
20
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:49,000
For God's sakes,
breathe through your nose.
21
00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:50,901
Mom and Dad are planning
something for you,
22
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,367
and I know what it is.
23
00:00:52,434 --> 00:00:56,100
Oo, must be really
important, if they
told the dog.
24
00:00:56,167 --> 00:00:57,801
I heard Mom and Dad
talking.
25
00:00:57,868 --> 00:01:00,467
'Cause of the new baby,
they're gonna cut your
allowance,
26
00:01:00,534 --> 00:01:02,701
from $100 a month
to 50.
27
00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:04,734
No way!
28
00:01:04,801 --> 00:01:07,601
That baby's not gonna
cost $50 a month!
29
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:10,467
I mean, it's gonna get
all its food free,
from Elsie in there.
30
00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:15,334
Yeah, you're nailed.
And you can't do
anything about it.
31
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,234
Ha! Oh, D.J.
32
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:22,300
D.J.
Young, foolish D.J.
33
00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:24,667
You see, Roseanne and Dan
are like a VCR.
34
00:01:24,734 --> 00:01:27,834
They just flash zero
until you program them.
35
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,901
Hey. Hi, Darlene.
Welcome home.
36
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,734
Is, uh, Dad here?
37
00:01:35,801 --> 00:01:37,634
Dad!
[Dan] What?
38
00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:39,267
Yeah, he's here.
39
00:01:39,334 --> 00:01:40,801
Good. I wanna
talk to you guys.
40
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,167
Hey, Darlene.
What?
41
00:01:42,234 --> 00:01:44,968
Well, actually, we wanna
talk to you, too.
Right, Dan?
42
00:01:45,033 --> 00:01:46,601
[sighs]
43
00:01:46,667 --> 00:01:47,801
Well, me first.
44
00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:50,334
Well...
45
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,701
We shoulda knew somethin'
bad like this'd happen,
46
00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:55,267
what with her movin'
up to the big city.
47
00:01:55,334 --> 00:01:56,734
Just tell us the boy's name,
48
00:01:56,801 --> 00:01:57,868
and I'll get the shotgun,
49
00:01:57,934 --> 00:01:59,801
and your maw will
rustle up a preacher.
50
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,534
[Darlene] All right.
Well, I've been thinking.
51
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:06,601
I know you guys have
this new baby on the way,
52
00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:09,033
and that's gotta be
really expensive.
53
00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:12,601
So I was thinking you could
send me less money every month.
54
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,467
[cough]
55
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:16,467
Honey, you've got to pardon us
for being a little shocked.
56
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:18,167
This is your first
act of kindness.
57
00:02:18,234 --> 00:02:20,167
Oh, now, Dan.
Come on.
58
00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:21,934
She's always been
very generous.
59
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:26,567
Remember when she called up
Jerry Lewis, and pledged
$100,000?
60
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:29,934
So what do you say
we cut my allowance
61
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,834
fro $100 a month
to--
62
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:35,901
Oh. Say--
75.
63
00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:39,501
75, huh--?
No, no. I don't wanna
argue about this.
64
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,701
This is what I wanna do.
65
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:43,100
That'd be good, but--
66
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,734
you know what would
be even better--?
Now, Dan.
67
00:02:44,801 --> 00:02:47,267
This is so sweet
of her.
68
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:51,067
Well, I just figured
the baby needs it
more than I do.
69
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:52,534
Now what'd you guys
wanna ask me?
70
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:57,167
Well, um--
71
00:02:57,234 --> 00:02:58,634
You know that, uh--
72
00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:01,067
Berlin Wall,
comin' down?
73
00:03:01,133 --> 00:03:02,801
What was that
all about?
74
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,534
See ya.
75
00:03:07,801 --> 00:03:10,334
Like taking candy from
two very big babies
76
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,801
who really like candy.
77
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,400
'Cept for one thing.
78
00:03:14,467 --> 00:03:16,467
What?
I lied.
79
00:03:16,534 --> 00:03:18,567
They were never gonna
cut your money at all.
80
00:03:25,534 --> 00:03:27,767
Listen. You know what
I just said in there?
81
00:03:27,834 --> 00:03:29,868
You know, I came in here
and I said that? [laughs]
82
00:03:29,934 --> 00:03:32,634
I know. We can't tell ya
how much we appreciate it.
83
00:03:32,701 --> 00:03:36,767
But you know, Darlene,
I'm feeling so, uh--
84
00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:39,200
I don't know what it is.
I'm just, uh--
85
00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:42,334
Oh my God.
I'm proud of you!
86
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:49,100
I'll be in the basement.
87
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,334
Plotting D.J.'s death.
88
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:57,334
She fell right into
our trap.
89
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,033
Yeah, she must be slippin'.
90
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,234
Yay, it worked.
91
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,501
I did everything you said.
92
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:04,167
Now where's my 10 bucks?
93
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,367
He fell right into
our trap.
94
00:04:08,434 --> 00:04:10,801
Yeah, he must be slippin'.
95
00:04:10,868 --> 00:04:11,934
What a gyp!
96
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,434
[chuckling] And you
wanted smart kids.
97
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:21,567
** [theme song]
98
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,467
Ha ha ha ha!
99
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,434
[knocking on door]
100
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:11,133
Come in?
101
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:15,100
Well, someday,
102
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:17,167
maybe they'll invent
a receptacle
103
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,300
where you can put
garbage in.
104
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:22,100
How are ya doin'?
105
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:24,200
Oh, I'm right
where I belong.
106
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:26,400
Livin' on Failure St.
107
00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:28,968
Two blocks south
of Pathetic.
108
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:31,033
My zip code?
109
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:32,934
All zeroes.
110
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,834
Now don't start
that again.
111
00:05:35,901 --> 00:05:36,968
Fred's gonna
come back to ya.
112
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:38,901
I had Dan go over there
and talk to him.
113
00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:41,501
And if that doesn't work,
then I'll send him back
to beat him up.
114
00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:43,000
It's not gonna work!
115
00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:44,667
Fred left me because
I lied to him.
116
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:46,400
I went out dancing
with another man.
117
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:48,834
Well, dancing is not
a sin.
118
00:05:48,901 --> 00:05:50,501
Didn't you see Footloose?
119
00:05:52,868 --> 00:05:54,901
Well, if he just
hadn't of gone,
120
00:05:54,968 --> 00:05:56,801
then none of this
would have happened.
121
00:05:56,868 --> 00:05:59,534
Hey, come on. When something
goes wrong in a marriage,
122
00:05:59,601 --> 00:06:01,734
it's never just
one partner's fault.
123
00:06:01,801 --> 00:06:03,267
You can't just
blame yourself.
124
00:06:03,334 --> 00:06:05,834
Well, I--
I can't blame Fred.
125
00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:07,901
Well, fine!
Then blame someone else.
126
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,133
That's what I do!
127
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,334
Just make a list
of all your problems.
128
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,934
And then another list
of everybody you know.
129
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,267
And then draw lines.
130
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:18,367
There's nobody
that I can blame!
131
00:06:18,434 --> 00:06:20,734
Well, what about the idiot
that narked to Fred?
132
00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:23,400
We were at the Lobo.
Half of Lanford was there.
133
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,667
That coulda been anybody.
134
00:06:24,734 --> 00:06:26,601
Well, that's all the better.
More to choose from.
135
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:29,367
You know, Mom--
136
00:06:29,434 --> 00:06:31,634
did see me and Pete
at the Lunch Box.
137
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,133
Oh, that's perfect.
138
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,567
Everyone knows
she's pure evil.
139
00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:37,634
And she gave me
one of those looks.
140
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:40,868
You know? Like
"I'm gonna tell on you!"
141
00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:45,834
Well, you didn't tell me
that you had hard evidence.
142
00:06:45,901 --> 00:06:47,834
God, I hate that Mom!
143
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:54,000
It-- [stammers]
you know? I do feel better.
144
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:56,868
See, I told ya.
So how you need to
quit mopin' around
145
00:06:56,934 --> 00:06:58,801
and get out there
and have some fun.
146
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:02,801
Although I wouldn't
recommend dancin'.
[laughs]
147
00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:04,934
Well, I--
148
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,534
I could take Andy
to the Bulk Store.
149
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:10,167
Thatta girl! Nothing more
fun than the Bulk Store!
150
00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:14,567
But-- now, see?
I don't have any
clean clothes!
151
00:07:16,701 --> 00:07:18,334
Could that somehow
be Mom's fault?
152
00:07:19,501 --> 00:07:20,934
Damn her!
153
00:07:27,467 --> 00:07:28,434
[knocking on door]
154
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,300
Hold on.
155
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,567
[knocking]
Yeah?
156
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,934
Gosh. I told the agency
I wanted a redhead.
157
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,968
Dan. What are
we doin'?
158
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,634
You're checkin'
outta here.
159
00:07:50,701 --> 00:07:53,734
Roseanne was right.
This crap has gone on
long enough.
160
00:07:53,801 --> 00:07:55,834
You're goin' back
to your wife and your kid.
161
00:07:55,901 --> 00:07:57,801
Come on, buddy.
Let's go.
Can't.
162
00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,000
Why not?
163
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,434
You packed my pants.
164
00:08:05,934 --> 00:08:07,834
Here.
165
00:08:07,901 --> 00:08:10,467
Dan, I'm not goin' back.
I'm still too angry.
166
00:08:10,534 --> 00:08:13,534
I know you are, Fred.
But it's just gonna
get better. Trust me.
167
00:08:13,601 --> 00:08:16,067
You just bury that anger
deep down inside,
168
00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:18,601
until it becomes
a hard ball in the pit
of your stomach.
169
00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:20,234
And then you put
food on it.
170
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:25,901
No! I'm staying
where I am.
171
00:08:25,968 --> 00:08:28,667
Damn it, Fred!
What are you doin' here?
172
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,434
I told you to romance her.
173
00:08:31,634 --> 00:08:33,100
With the money you spent
on this motel,
174
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:35,133
you coulda bought
her a--
175
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,534
card, or somethin'.
176
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:40,000
Dan, I see what this
is about, okay?
177
00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:42,334
You don't have to worry.
Roseanne's not gonna know
178
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,701
it was you who tipped
me off. I told Jackie
it wasn't you.
179
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,200
Well, you don't have
to lie for me.
180
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:48,567
I'm not afraid of my wife.
181
00:08:48,634 --> 00:08:50,601
Oh? Have you remarried?
182
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,601
I'm not afraid because
I did nothin' wrong.
183
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:57,400
I'm not the guy who
walked out on his family
to punish his wife.
184
00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:59,367
Hey! I'm not punishing her!
185
00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:00,567
Jackie is a mess.
186
00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:03,534
And she's sittin' home
with a kid
187
00:09:03,601 --> 00:09:05,934
who doesn't know what
happened to his father.
What do you call that?
188
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,834
What do you want
from me, Dan?
189
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:09,901
Jackie's the only woman
I ever loved!
190
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:14,133
She's the only person
I ever trusted,
and she betrayed me.
191
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,567
But nothin' happened--
Something did happen!
192
00:09:16,634 --> 00:09:18,467
She went out with
another man.
193
00:09:22,767 --> 00:09:24,601
I'm losin' her.
194
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:26,968
I lose her--
195
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,234
I lose everything.
196
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:31,267
I don't know what to do.
197
00:09:31,334 --> 00:09:32,400
What can I do?
198
00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:38,467
Jeez, Fred, I'm sorry.
199
00:09:38,534 --> 00:09:42,534
I just-- I need some time
to get my head together.
200
00:09:42,601 --> 00:09:44,334
All right, buddy.
201
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,667
I'll stay with ya
for a while.
202
00:09:50,534 --> 00:09:54,100
Fred? Does this TV
get anything besides
adult movies?
203
00:09:58,067 --> 00:09:59,601
I don't know.
204
00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:09,801
Uh, hey, Roseanne.
Did I leave Andy's
little hat over here?
205
00:10:09,868 --> 00:10:12,601
Oh, yeah, well, I'll have
to buy you a new one,
206
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:16,267
uh, see, 'cause I ran
out of coffee filters.
207
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:18,334
Hey, hey,
have you had a bath?
208
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,334
Yeah,
I've been getting out,
209
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,267
trying to have fun,
like you said.
210
00:10:22,334 --> 00:10:23,534
But you still hate Mom.
211
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:26,334
Oh, yeah. It's very
invigorating, you know?
212
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,968
It's funny.
You hate somebody
your whole life,
213
00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:31,868
and then you realize
there's so much more.
214
00:10:31,934 --> 00:10:33,801
Who do we hate?
Who do we hate?
215
00:10:33,868 --> 00:10:34,968
Mom.
216
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:36,901
Oh, good. I hate Bev.
Can I play?
217
00:10:36,968 --> 00:10:37,901
Yeah, we figured out
218
00:10:37,968 --> 00:10:39,567
Mom told Fred
about me and Pete.
219
00:10:39,634 --> 00:10:42,200
So what do you think
we should do to her,
Dan?
220
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:45,067
Oh, I don't know.
Who's to say what I think?
221
00:10:45,133 --> 00:10:47,000
Well, I got--
Gymboree starts in an hour.
222
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:49,634
I got to get him there,
build up his little muscles,
223
00:10:49,701 --> 00:10:51,968
'cause next time he pulls
on Grandma's earrings,
224
00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:55,300
we're gonna do some damage,
yes, we are.
225
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:57,067
Yes, we are!
226
00:10:57,133 --> 00:11:00,000
Oh, she's
such a good mother.
227
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,100
Listen, Roseanne,
228
00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:06,334
I didn't want to say
this in front of Jackie,
229
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,467
but I'm the one that told
Fred, not your mom.
230
00:11:09,534 --> 00:11:10,901
Although your mom
probably would have
231
00:11:10,968 --> 00:11:12,067
if I hadn't.
232
00:11:12,133 --> 00:11:14,801
Man, does she bug me!
233
00:11:14,868 --> 00:11:16,734
Well, I should have seen
234
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:20,067
your great-big barbecue-stained
fingerprints all over this one.
235
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:22,968
I was right to do it.
I was right to tell him.
236
00:11:23,033 --> 00:11:24,400
I don't want to hear it.
237
00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:26,100
You just go out
in the backyard
238
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:28,868
and dig a great-big hole
and wait for me.
239
00:11:28,934 --> 00:11:30,133
Oh, that's right.
240
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,968
Blame me.
Blame the messenger.
241
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:33,400
Oh, no, no, blame Fred,
242
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:35,567
you know, the guy
whose wife lied to him?
243
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:37,501
But whatever you do,
don't blame the adulteress.
244
00:11:37,567 --> 00:11:38,934
Hey, she's not
an adulteress, Dan.
245
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,100
What happened to you?
246
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,467
You were on her side
before you went over there.
247
00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:44,334
Then I saw how much
Fred was hurting.
248
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,767
No, that's not what happened.
249
00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:48,434
You were in a very small space
with another man,
250
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:50,400
and you breathed
all those man fumes,
251
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,834
and then the very tiny
part of your brain
252
00:11:52,901 --> 00:11:54,234
that can think for itself
253
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,367
dissolved.
254
00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:06,601
Roseanne. Hi, Becky.
255
00:12:06,667 --> 00:12:09,334
Did you get me that, uh,
catalog I asked you for?
256
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,267
Yeah, and that saw
that Dan would like
257
00:12:11,334 --> 00:12:13,534
is right here
on this page.
258
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:16,634
Yep. Whoo. That's gonna
make a great gift.
259
00:12:16,701 --> 00:12:18,267
Yep.
260
00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:20,634
Now all I need
is the picture frame.
261
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:25,701
Oh. Uh, well,
why don't you sit down?
262
00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:28,100
I'll make you a sandwich,
and then we can talk.
263
00:12:28,167 --> 00:12:30,033
Okay, as long as you
keep your promise
264
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,567
and we don't
talk about Jackie.
265
00:12:32,634 --> 00:12:35,000
Well, uh,
didn't she just die?
266
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,667
Oh, that Jackie.
267
00:12:40,667 --> 00:12:41,601
Hey, Fred.
268
00:12:42,868 --> 00:12:45,033
Heya, Mark.
269
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,567
You here to meet Becky?
270
00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:48,000
Nah, she's eating
with that guy.
271
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,367
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Joe.
272
00:12:50,434 --> 00:12:51,634
Hey.
273
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:56,767
Who's Joe?
274
00:12:56,834 --> 00:12:59,000
Just some guy friend
of Becky's.
275
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:00,434
They go out all the time:
276
00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:02,267
lunch, dinner, dancing.
277
00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:03,400
No biggie.
278
00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:08,334
I see. And that
doesn't bug you.
279
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,534
Of course not, man.
I'm secure as a man.
280
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:14,901
And my male chauvinistic ego
281
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:18,200
doesn't, uh, need,
uh, something or other.
282
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,467
You know, that's funny.
283
00:13:22,534 --> 00:13:25,601
I was recently in a very
similar situation.
284
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:28,133
You were?
I had no idea.
285
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,300
Yeah.
286
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:30,501
The only thing was
287
00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:32,968
that Jackie lied to me
about her guy friend.
288
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:35,234
Does Becky ever lie
to you about this guy?
289
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,567
[no audible dialogue]
290
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:40,033
Yeah, of course,
all the time.
291
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:42,300
Yeah, it's...good.
292
00:13:42,367 --> 00:13:45,534
Yeah? How does that
make you feel?
293
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:47,367
Uh...
294
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:48,400
f-fine.
295
00:13:48,467 --> 00:13:50,567
Uh, Mrs. Conner!
296
00:13:50,634 --> 00:13:52,100
Really? Fine?
297
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:54,467
That is so
open-minded of you.
298
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,400
I guess it won't
bother you to hear
299
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:57,834
that they were
holding hands, too.
300
00:13:57,901 --> 00:13:58,834
What?
301
00:13:58,901 --> 00:14:00,234
Right up
until you came in.
302
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:01,834
I was a little
concerned about it,
303
00:14:01,901 --> 00:14:04,601
but I guess
I'm not as secure
a man as you are.
304
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:07,934
Hey, get away
from my wife, pal.
305
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,367
What are you doing?
306
00:14:09,434 --> 00:14:11,067
Were you holding
hands with this guy?
307
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,067
No.
308
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:13,234
Well,
Fred saw you.
309
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:15,334
Hey, I told you,
310
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,734
if it isn't written
on your hand, don't say it.
311
00:14:17,801 --> 00:14:18,934
Yeah, but nobody
said nothing
312
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,033
about them
touching each other.
313
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,434
Why don't you go stick
your head in the freezer?
314
00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:24,868
It's going bad.
315
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:31,434
You think
you and Jackie
316
00:14:31,501 --> 00:14:33,667
are gonna get
back together?
317
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:35,200
Roseanne,
I can't believe
318
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:37,133
that you think
that I was dumb enough
319
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,400
to fall for that.
320
00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:42,067
I didn't. I am trying
to break up Becky and Mark.
321
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:46,133
Hello, hello, diner people.
322
00:14:47,801 --> 00:14:49,000
Hi, Bev.
323
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:50,667
I can't talk
to Bev right now
324
00:14:50,734 --> 00:14:52,100
with this Jackie
thing going on.
325
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,234
I'll get rid of her.
326
00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:56,667
[whispering]
Hi, Mom. Thank God
you're here.
327
00:14:56,734 --> 00:14:59,067
Are you sure that Fred
wants to talk to me?
328
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:00,734
Yes, absolutely.
I tried to comfort him,
329
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:02,400
but he needs
the kind of comforting
330
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:04,334
that only you can give.
331
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:09,634
Hello, Fred.
332
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,367
[mouthing]
333
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:16,601
I was so sorry to hear
about you and Jackie.
334
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:17,868
Where are you staying?
335
00:15:17,934 --> 00:15:19,434
The Green Lantern.
336
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,801
Oh, my.
That place is filthy.
337
00:15:21,868 --> 00:15:24,901
But then, considering
the kind of housekeeper
Jackie is,
338
00:15:24,968 --> 00:15:26,934
I suppose
you feel right at home.
339
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,067
I don't know. I guess.
340
00:15:29,133 --> 00:15:30,601
Hey, hey,
now's not the time
341
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:32,534
to bring up all
of Jackie's faults, okay?
342
00:15:32,601 --> 00:15:34,467
Next thing I know,
you'll start comparing her
343
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,801
to, I don't know, Dad.
344
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:37,834
Ha ha! And why not?
345
00:15:37,901 --> 00:15:39,868
Jackie's father
was a cheater, too,
346
00:15:39,934 --> 00:15:41,968
and she always
took after him.
347
00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:44,801
You know, Bev,
cheater is probably
too strong a word.
348
00:15:44,868 --> 00:15:47,400
Oh-ho-ho, really?
349
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:49,567
Yeah. I mean,
350
00:15:49,634 --> 00:15:52,367
Jackie didn't actually
do anything with this guy.
351
00:15:52,434 --> 00:15:53,701
That's right, Mom.
352
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:55,868
So there's absolutely
no reason at all
353
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:58,267
to bring up all the other
men she slept with.
354
00:15:58,334 --> 00:16:00,767
Oh,
why waste the time?
355
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,834
The list of men
she hasn't slept with
356
00:16:02,901 --> 00:16:04,234
is shorter.
357
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:07,701
Bev, would you mind
not criticizing Jackie?
358
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,834
After all,
she is still my wife.
359
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:12,968
That's right, Mom.
And she has obviously
cut way back on the men
360
00:16:13,033 --> 00:16:15,667
ever since she got married.
361
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:19,934
In my day,
that woman would become
known as a runabout.
362
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,901
She's not a runabout.
363
00:16:21,968 --> 00:16:23,701
Exactly, Mom.
And I don't care
364
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,400
if she was wearing
Charlie--
365
00:16:25,467 --> 00:16:27,501
you know, kinda free,
kinda wild.
366
00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:29,868
Oh...goodness knows
367
00:16:29,934 --> 00:16:31,934
what sort of life
Jackie's leading.
368
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,701
If you ask me,
you're too good for her.
369
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,868
Will you get
off Jackie's case?
370
00:16:36,934 --> 00:16:39,267
She just
made a mistake.
371
00:16:39,334 --> 00:16:41,634
Well, you two can sit here
and argue about my sister,
372
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,367
but I'll be damned
if I'm gonna listen
373
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:44,667
to one more minute of it.
374
00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:47,901
And whatever you do,
do not tell Fred your theory
375
00:16:47,968 --> 00:16:50,534
on how Jackie made ends meet
that time she was unemployed.
376
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:51,567
Oh!
377
00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:02,100
[knock on door]
378
00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:03,367
Yeah?
379
00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:04,367
Hi.
380
00:17:04,434 --> 00:17:05,634
Where are you going?
381
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:07,067
We're going
to The Toy Warehouse,
382
00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:09,467
and the first toy he finds
that he can't break,
383
00:17:09,534 --> 00:17:11,367
I'm buying it!
384
00:17:11,434 --> 00:17:12,801
No, you got to stay here,
385
00:17:12,868 --> 00:17:14,467
'cause I just left Fred
with Mom,
386
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,667
and I think he's caving.
387
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:16,834
Really?
388
00:17:16,901 --> 00:17:19,567
Yeah. And so, you know,
you got to be here
389
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:21,734
in case he comes by
or calls or something,
390
00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:24,734
unless Mom turns him
off women altogether.
391
00:17:24,801 --> 00:17:26,801
I'm--I'm
all ready to go.
392
00:17:26,868 --> 00:17:27,968
Well, come on, Jackie.
393
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:30,133
I went to a lot
of trouble catching him.
394
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,601
Now you just got
to clean and cook him.
395
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,000
I know, but it's
just that ever since
he left,
396
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,968
I've just been
enjoying myself.
397
00:17:37,033 --> 00:17:38,033
What?
398
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,200
Well,
I'm--I'm sleeping
399
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,634
in the middle
of the bed,
400
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:41,934
I'm not
shaving my legs,
401
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,467
and I get to put
pretty clothes
on Andy again,
402
00:17:44,534 --> 00:17:46,634
and if he turns out
gay, we don't care,
403
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:49,334
because I'll march
in one of those
parades with him.
404
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:54,133
So what about Fred?
405
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,400
I mean,
he's your husband.
406
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:56,834
Don't you miss him
at all?
407
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,367
Not even the...
you know,
408
00:17:58,434 --> 00:18:00,267
cute way he does
whatever it is
409
00:18:00,334 --> 00:18:02,200
that you thought
he did cute?
410
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:06,200
It's scary, Roseanne.
I just think
411
00:18:06,267 --> 00:18:08,167
that I'm
happier without him.
412
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:11,334
Well, don't you
love him anymore?
413
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:15,601
Huh? Don't you?
414
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,767
I don't know.
415
00:18:18,834 --> 00:18:20,701
Well, great.
Well, you better
think about this,
416
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,000
because
he's Andy's dad.
417
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:24,200
I know.
I know Andy needs him.
418
00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:25,501
[knock on door]
419
00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:26,968
Hey.
420
00:18:27,033 --> 00:18:27,968
Hi, Fred.
421
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:31,634
Hiya, sport.
422
00:18:31,701 --> 00:18:33,634
How ya doing, buddy?
423
00:18:33,701 --> 00:18:34,868
Who is that?
424
00:18:34,934 --> 00:18:36,400
Ha ha ha!
425
00:18:36,467 --> 00:18:39,634
Hey, Roseanne, can you take
Andy in the back for a second?
426
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:41,000
Yeah, sure.
427
00:18:43,634 --> 00:18:44,934
Can we talk?
Yeah.
428
00:18:53,033 --> 00:18:54,767
I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have left.
429
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,100
You didn't
even let me explain.
430
00:18:56,167 --> 00:18:57,167
I know.
You know.
431
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,501
I just...
432
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:00,033
I needed some time to think.
433
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,667
Well, I did, too.
434
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:06,834
Look, Jackie, I know
you got some problems
with the marriage,
435
00:19:06,901 --> 00:19:08,267
and I do, too,
436
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:09,501
but the important
thing is,
437
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:10,934
we still love
each other, right?
438
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:13,767
Right.
439
00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:19,868
Hey.
440
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:22,667
So where were
you two off to?
441
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:23,667
Toy Warehouse.
442
00:19:23,734 --> 00:19:25,467
Sounds like fun.
I'll join you.
443
00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:27,934
Oh, I don't--Ahh...
444
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,634
Let's just--
Let's just stay in.
445
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:33,033
Uh, well, I--
I better go,
446
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,200
'cause Darlene
hung D.J. up by his feet,
447
00:19:35,267 --> 00:19:36,934
and I want to get some film.
448
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,234
Okay. Well, thanks for
helping out, Roseanne.
449
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:42,834
Yeah. Thanks.
450
00:19:42,901 --> 00:19:45,434
Yeah, well, you know,
sometimes you, uh,
451
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,200
you go
sticking your nose
452
00:19:47,267 --> 00:19:49,667
in places where it
doesn't belong
453
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:53,267
so...things will
turn out like this.
454
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,167
Dad, we need to talk.
455
00:20:06,234 --> 00:20:07,601
That's
what I used to think,
456
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:09,601
but it turns out, son,
we don't.
457
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:11,267
I mean it.
I set up Darlene
458
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:13,634
so you and Mom get
to pay her less allowance,
459
00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:16,267
but unless you give me
10 more bucks a month,
460
00:20:16,334 --> 00:20:17,467
I'm gonna tell her.
461
00:20:17,534 --> 00:20:20,968
My, my,
what a sly puss.
462
00:20:21,033 --> 00:20:23,767
Look, she'll
start a big fight
463
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,434
and ruin her whole time home,
464
00:20:25,501 --> 00:20:29,067
and you don't want to start
a big fight, do you?
465
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:31,868
Oh, gee, Dan,
they're so adorable
466
00:20:31,934 --> 00:20:35,334
before the horns
and the pointed tail
grow in.
467
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,133
Hey, Darlene,
come on up here!
468
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,367
Why do you want
to call her up here?
469
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:40,801
It's the only fun
we get
470
00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:42,767
since they outlawed
cockfighting.
471
00:20:42,834 --> 00:20:44,534
What?
472
00:20:44,601 --> 00:20:45,767
Well, uh...
473
00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:47,767
say, you know
that 25 bucks
474
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:49,567
that D.J.
scammed you out of?
475
00:20:49,634 --> 00:20:50,567
Yeah.
476
00:20:50,634 --> 00:20:51,567
Well,
477
00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:53,033
that was me and your dad.
478
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:55,200
That was our scam.
We thought of that ourselves.
479
00:20:55,267 --> 00:20:58,901
And D.J., well, he was nothing
but our willing stooge.
480
00:20:58,968 --> 00:21:01,400
So that wasn't
your idea at all.
481
00:21:01,467 --> 00:21:04,033
Nope. It was all
Mom and Dad.
482
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:05,434
You were
just playing along.
483
00:21:05,501 --> 00:21:07,267
Yeah, that's right.
484
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:10,901
You teamed up with them,
you little snot factory.
485
00:21:10,968 --> 00:21:12,334
You know, D.J.,
for years,
486
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,133
we tried to get
Darlene to help us
scam you,
487
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,300
but
she'd never do it.
488
00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:17,434
Well,
she's got principles.
489
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:18,934
Bad move, D.J.,
490
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,067
because they're gonna die
way before I do.
491
00:21:22,133 --> 00:21:23,501
Looks like
the two of you
492
00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:25,667
got a lot of things
to talk over.
493
00:21:25,734 --> 00:21:26,968
Winner gets this 20.
494
00:21:27,033 --> 00:21:28,133
Someone get a shoebox.
495
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:29,334
There's gonna be a funeral.
496
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,033
Mom?
Have fun, kids.
497
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:32,367
Dad, I'm scared!
498
00:21:32,434 --> 00:21:33,901
Perfectly natural.
499
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:38,234
Well, so what?
500
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:40,100
We're reaming the kids
together again.
501
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:41,801
Does that mean
we're okay?
502
00:21:41,868 --> 00:21:43,367
[sigh]
503
00:21:43,434 --> 00:21:45,467
You know, Dan, if you
weren't around here,
504
00:21:45,534 --> 00:21:46,701
I'd really miss you.
505
00:21:46,767 --> 00:21:47,868
Well, of course.
506
00:21:47,934 --> 00:21:49,534
You'd keep sliding
down in the middle
507
00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:51,534
where the mattress
tips.
508
00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:53,367
No, I mean it.
509
00:21:53,434 --> 00:21:56,834
Um, I'm really glad
that I married you.
510
00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,400
I know I got me
one of the good ones.
511
00:21:59,467 --> 00:22:01,501
Am I dying?
512
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,067
Never mind.
513
00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:04,367
Oh, come here.
514
00:22:05,667 --> 00:22:07,167
What was that for?
515
00:22:07,234 --> 00:22:09,200
I don't--You started it.
516
00:22:16,567 --> 00:22:18,167
Were you holding hands
with this guy?
517
00:22:18,234 --> 00:22:19,167
No.
518
00:22:19,234 --> 00:22:20,734
Well, Fred saw you.
519
00:22:20,801 --> 00:22:22,501
Hey, I told you,
520
00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:25,334
if it isn't written
on your hand, don't say it.
521
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,767
Yeah, but nobody
told nothing, uh,
522
00:22:26,834 --> 00:22:29,100
about something
with them over there.
523
00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:30,367
[laughter]
524
00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:35,400
I told you,
525
00:22:35,467 --> 00:22:37,934
if it is not written
on your hand, don't say it.
526
00:22:39,167 --> 00:22:40,434
I never knew something
527
00:22:40,501 --> 00:22:42,100
was supposed to be
about the touches
528
00:22:42,167 --> 00:22:43,467
something or other
anyway!
529
00:22:43,534 --> 00:22:45,968
God,
I'm so embarrassing!
530
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:57,033
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
37105
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