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1
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:11,200
Is anyone down there, Jackie?
2
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,467
This is spooky, Roseanne.
3
00:00:13,467 --> 00:00:15,701
I think there may
be rats in here.
4
00:00:15,701 --> 00:00:18,934
Good.
Tell them their
queen has arrived.
5
00:00:20,434 --> 00:00:22,234
I don't think anyone's
in here, Roseanne.
6
00:00:22,234 --> 00:00:24,501
Maybe we should've
made an appointment.
7
00:00:24,501 --> 00:00:26,467
Yeah, well, if she's such
a good fortune teller,
8
00:00:26,467 --> 00:00:27,968
she should've known
we were coming.
9
00:00:27,968 --> 00:00:29,801
[bell ringing]
10
00:00:29,801 --> 00:00:31,334
Greetings.
11
00:00:31,334 --> 00:00:32,734
[ringing bell]
12
00:00:32,734 --> 00:00:35,667
Madame Zaftig
bids you enter.
13
00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:37,567
I gotta see this.
14
00:00:38,868 --> 00:00:40,434
How ya doing?
15
00:00:40,434 --> 00:00:45,033
Madame Zaftig sees all,
hears all, and knows all.
16
00:00:45,033 --> 00:00:46,934
Okay, I want to
know my future.
17
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:49,200
Start with who
I'm gonna marry.
18
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,667
Is Roseanne gonna
marry Paul McCartney?
19
00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:54,334
Of course I am!
20
00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:57,801
And every night will
be like Prince Charming
and Cinderella,
21
00:00:57,801 --> 00:01:00,200
and I'll be Cinderella.
22
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,667
I see a man.
23
00:01:01,667 --> 00:01:06,334
The man of your future.
24
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,667
Yeah, I was a pretty good
wrestler in junior high school.
25
00:01:08,667 --> 00:01:10,734
Coach used to call me
"Damaging" Dan Conner.
26
00:01:10,734 --> 00:01:14,133
God, don't make me listen
to that boring story again.
27
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:15,901
Putting in a bid
on a drywall job.
28
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:17,734
Great money if I get it.
29
00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:19,567
You're not gonna get it.
30
00:01:22,634 --> 00:01:24,167
Be a lot of guys bidding.
31
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:26,667
And they're all better
than you, I bet.
32
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:29,534
Hey, I'm pretty good!
33
00:01:29,534 --> 00:01:31,167
You are not!
Yes, I am!
34
00:01:31,167 --> 00:01:32,601
You're not, either.
I am the best!
35
00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:33,667
You're the worst.
36
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,267
I am drywall master
of the universe!
37
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:37,567
Agh!
38
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:39,033
Agh!
39
00:01:43,501 --> 00:01:45,300
[giggling]
40
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:46,667
Ooh!
Oh!
41
00:01:46,667 --> 00:01:48,267
Look out, ladies
and gentlemen.
42
00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:49,801
It's a front suplex!
[screaming]
43
00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:51,300
No, he's got her over!
44
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:52,767
He's going for it!
45
00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:55,200
You think this is
a magic kingdom
46
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,267
where you just sit
up here on your throne.
47
00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:58,601
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
48
00:01:58,601 --> 00:02:01,234
And you think everything gets
done by some wonderful wizard.
49
00:02:01,234 --> 00:02:03,300
Oh, poof,
the laundry's folded.
50
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:05,100
Poof, dinner's on the table.
51
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,167
You want me to fix dinner?
I'll fix dinner.
52
00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:09,467
I'm fixing dinner!
53
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:13,767
Oh, but honey, you just
fixed dinner three years ago.
54
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:18,133
He's bouncing off the ropes!
55
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:20,567
Ladies and gentlemen,
bar the door!
56
00:02:20,567 --> 00:02:21,667
Look out!
57
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:22,834
Holy cow!
58
00:02:22,834 --> 00:02:24,534
He's setting her up
for a heart punch.
59
00:02:24,534 --> 00:02:26,968
Oh!
It's illegal
in 30 states.
60
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:28,300
[laughing]
61
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:29,901
Hey, listen,
tell me something,
62
00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:31,400
'cause I gotta know.
63
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,767
What do you and your fat wife
think of my new hat?
64
00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:41,234
Just this once.
65
00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:49,667
Let's get out of here.
66
00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:55,200
Holy cow,
ladies and gentlemen!
67
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,467
Iceman Dan Conner
has gone berserk!
68
00:02:57,467 --> 00:02:58,868
He's setting her up.
69
00:02:58,868 --> 00:02:59,868
He's got her.
70
00:02:59,868 --> 00:03:01,567
One!
Two!
71
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:03,200
Three!
Do you quit?
72
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,334
One more.
73
00:03:05,334 --> 00:03:07,000
Wow.
74
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,701
So that's what
Paul McCartney is gonna
look like in 30 years.
75
00:03:11,033 --> 00:03:13,701
Okay, now tell me
my whole future.
76
00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:15,167
I want to hear everything.
77
00:03:15,167 --> 00:03:16,334
Your whole future?
78
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:18,934
But you only gave
Madame Zaftig a dollar.
79
00:03:18,934 --> 00:03:20,868
Well, what did that buy me?
80
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:25,868
I'll show you
1988 through 94.
81
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,234
[laughing]
82
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,434
Roseanne, it's my turn.
83
00:04:19,434 --> 00:04:21,334
I want to know
about my future.
84
00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:24,200
Forget it, Jackie.
Your future's written
on the wall.
85
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,701
The wall of the boy's room.
86
00:04:25,701 --> 00:04:29,434
Oh, gross.
I hate boys.
87
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:30,434
[snorts]
88
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:33,434
That, my dear, will change.
89
00:04:33,434 --> 00:04:34,767
Well, okay.
90
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:37,267
How many men did you
date before we met?
91
00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:40,300
Well, do you mean dated
at all, or dated seriously?
92
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,033
I mean seriously.
93
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:43,934
Okay, I'd have to say...
94
00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:45,367
just a few.
95
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:46,801
Good.
96
00:04:46,801 --> 00:04:49,133
It's not that I mind if
you slept with a lot of guys.
97
00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:50,567
Oh, well, slept with...
98
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:52,167
Well...
[laughs]
99
00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:57,634
That's not what you asked me.
100
00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:00,100
No, I guess it wasn't.
101
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,834
Well, Fred, don't worry.
102
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:04,367
It's not that many.
103
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:07,934
I'd say three a year.
104
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:10,968
Since you were, what, 18?
105
00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:15,868
Okay, we'll go with that.
106
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,634
Oh.
Wow.
107
00:05:20,634 --> 00:05:23,234
Well, Fred, that's
not that many.
108
00:05:23,234 --> 00:05:27,167
Three a year
for 20 years is 60.
109
00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:28,334
Wow.
110
00:05:30,701 --> 00:05:32,400
God.
111
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,434
I don't even know 60 people.
112
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:38,601
Well, I didn't know
all of them.
113
00:05:41,834 --> 00:05:44,634
Jackie, Mom and me
were just talking.
114
00:05:44,634 --> 00:05:47,133
Just a second, Roseanne,
there's something I want
to tell my mother.
115
00:05:47,133 --> 00:05:51,534
Mom, I'm pregnant.
116
00:05:51,534 --> 00:05:53,501
I went out with a guy
I hardly know.
117
00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:55,667
We had sex for hours,
and I got pregnant.
118
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:01,801
And I'm not gonna marry him.
119
00:06:01,801 --> 00:06:03,567
[laughs]
120
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:05,000
I'm keeping the baby,
121
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,300
and if it's a girl,
I'm naming it Gidget.
122
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:10,334
What is it, Jackie?
123
00:06:10,334 --> 00:06:12,501
Well, I just wanted
to tell you
124
00:06:12,501 --> 00:06:13,534
that I've been
thinking about it,
125
00:06:13,534 --> 00:06:15,567
and I've come
to the conclusion
126
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:17,200
that it's never coming out.
127
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:18,767
Never.
128
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:20,000
I'm gonna be
a 70-year old woman
129
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,234
carrying a 30-year old baby.
130
00:06:23,234 --> 00:06:26,133
Jackie, you're only
three days overdue.
131
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:30,634
I have a three day old
child inside of me!
132
00:06:30,634 --> 00:06:32,200
Look at me!
133
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:38,334
It's huge!
134
00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:41,133
Yes, but you have
a very pretty face.
135
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:42,133
[sobbing]
136
00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:44,100
Eww!
Look it!
137
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:45,667
What is that?
138
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:47,400
What the--how come
it's like that?
139
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,767
How, Roseanne, how is
this gonna come out of this?
140
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:54,267
Relax, Jackie.
141
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:55,968
These have been
coming out of those
142
00:06:55,968 --> 00:06:58,167
for millions and
millions of years.
143
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:01,400
Muscles stretch,
bones break.
144
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,934
I'm sick of being pregnant.
145
00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,634
Well, maybe it's
like a turkey.
146
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,734
You know, when this
comes out, it's ready.
147
00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:09,501
Oh, cut it out.
148
00:07:09,501 --> 00:07:10,834
I do.
149
00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,133
By the power vested in me
by the state of Illinois,
150
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,634
I know pronounce you
husband and wife.
151
00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:18,234
You may kiss
the bride.
152
00:07:18,234 --> 00:07:20,334
Just let me
switch sides, first.
153
00:07:25,834 --> 00:07:28,601
Stop looking, Roseanne.
This is my future.
154
00:07:28,601 --> 00:07:31,701
I paid for this, Jackie.
I own your future.
155
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,868
I'm sick of you bossing
me around, Roseanne.
156
00:07:34,868 --> 00:07:37,133
Well, I'll give you
Billy Schmitz I.D. bracelet
157
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:39,067
if you let me boss you around
for the rest of your life.
158
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,834
Okay.
159
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,767
Oh, come on,
this guy is great!
160
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,601
All those little irritating
things you do,
161
00:07:46,601 --> 00:07:48,067
he thinks they're cute!
162
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:52,200
He walked in here and
he gave me an ultimatum.
163
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,200
He told me to quit the force.
164
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,534
Well, so what?
I've been telling you
165
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:57,167
to quit the force since
the day you started.
166
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:59,000
Yeah, and I've been
trying to break up with you,
167
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,300
but you won't seem
to go away.
168
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:06,100
Look, becoming a cop
is something I worked
very, very hard for.
169
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:08,167
What would you do
if Dan just demanded
170
00:08:08,167 --> 00:08:11,000
that you give up the house
and the job and the kids?
171
00:08:13,968 --> 00:08:16,334
I am gonna do exactly
what you would do.
172
00:08:16,334 --> 00:08:19,400
You would never let a man
tell you how to run your life.
173
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,801
I want somebody who'll love
and support me no matter what,
174
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,033
just like Dan does for you.
175
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:25,334
Are you insane?
176
00:08:25,334 --> 00:08:27,100
Do you know how many years
I had to put in to Dan?
177
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,300
You think he came
out of a box like that?
178
00:08:30,934 --> 00:08:33,100
Now you could put those
same years into Gary.
179
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,167
I'm telling you, he is
the perfect guy for you.
180
00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:37,033
No, Roseanne, he's
the perfect guy for you.
181
00:08:37,033 --> 00:08:38,634
You just want him
to settle down
182
00:08:38,634 --> 00:08:39,801
and take care of
your flaky sister
183
00:08:39,801 --> 00:08:41,567
so you don't have to
worry about her anymore.
184
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:43,801
Well, that's okay,
you don't have to worry
about her anymore
185
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:46,334
because she's gonna
be just fine!
186
00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:47,767
[sobs]
187
00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:51,601
This takes a little more effort
than a high school romance.
188
00:08:51,601 --> 00:08:53,968
You know, I live with
Fisher, Roseanne.
189
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,367
Well, so maybe
that's your problem.
190
00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:59,501
Maybe you and Fisher spend
too much time together.
191
00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:03,234
I never would have moved in
with no guy so damn fast.
192
00:09:03,234 --> 00:09:06,634
Maybe you wouldn't, but
this isn't you, it's me.
193
00:09:06,634 --> 00:09:09,200
And there's a real easy way
to tell us apart.
194
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,200
You--
195
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,534
Me.
196
00:09:13,601 --> 00:09:15,767
You.
197
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:17,367
Me.
198
00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:21,968
What is your problem?
199
00:09:21,968 --> 00:09:23,434
You.
200
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,968
You, you are my problem.
201
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:27,467
Ah, what'd I do now?
202
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,634
Same thing as you
always do, Roseanne.
203
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,934
You sit up
there on your...
204
00:09:31,934 --> 00:09:34,033
Pedestal?
Yeah.
205
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:38,767
You act like some
big high and mighty
self-righteous...
206
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:43,033
pedestal type person,
207
00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:47,501
and you poo-poo
everything in my life.
208
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:51,033
Yeah, and you go right for
your addictive behavior.
209
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:54,601
'Cause you cannot
handle conflict.
210
00:09:54,601 --> 00:09:57,601
That is the whole thing.
You cannot handle conflict.
211
00:09:57,601 --> 00:09:59,934
Remember, we saw
that whole thing on Oprah.
212
00:09:59,934 --> 00:10:02,934
People who cannot handle
conflict so right away,
213
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:05,133
they run for the alcohol.
214
00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:09,267
Well, have another shot
of pancake, Roseanne.
215
00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:14,767
Take your best shot.
216
00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:17,467
[laughs]
217
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,968
[mocking]
Your best shot.
218
00:10:19,968 --> 00:10:23,567
You know that I would just
knock your lights out.
219
00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:27,033
Well, then, go ahead.
220
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:29,567
Make my day.
221
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,133
Ow!
Ow!
222
00:10:39,133 --> 00:10:41,167
[screaming]
223
00:10:54,701 --> 00:10:57,367
Excuse me?
224
00:10:57,367 --> 00:10:58,968
Is this like a sex thing?
225
00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,534
That's it, I'm not
making any more calls.
226
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,033
You do the rest
of the family list.
227
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,934
I can't call
people, Roseanne!
228
00:11:09,934 --> 00:11:11,667
Jackie, dial.
229
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:15,434
I'm supposed to
be in mourning.
230
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:17,434
Well, then wear a veil over
your face while you do it.
231
00:11:23,701 --> 00:11:24,734
Can't--
232
00:11:24,734 --> 00:11:25,934
Auntie Barbara?
233
00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:27,534
It's Jackie.
234
00:11:27,534 --> 00:11:28,968
Jackie.
235
00:11:28,968 --> 00:11:30,267
I'm fine.
236
00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:32,033
Fine.
237
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:34,400
I'm fine.
238
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,200
I have some bad news.
239
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,667
Dad is now with us anymore.
240
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:44,234
I said Dad has passed away.
241
00:11:44,234 --> 00:11:48,033
He's passed away!
242
00:11:48,033 --> 00:11:50,501
Dad is gone.
243
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,133
Dad's dead.
244
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:54,868
He's dead!
245
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:57,801
No, dead!
246
00:11:57,801 --> 00:12:00,667
Dad!
247
00:12:00,667 --> 00:12:03,667
He's fine.
He sends his love.
248
00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:04,934
Bye.
249
00:12:04,934 --> 00:12:08,434
I am not doing that again.
You can't make me.
250
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:15,934
Well, now, Miss Harris,
251
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:19,234
you're looking after
your nephew, D.J., huh?
252
00:12:19,234 --> 00:12:22,300
Yes, I am his only
surviving relative.
253
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:25,501
I mean, that will
speak to him.
254
00:12:25,501 --> 00:12:30,767
I had to bring him to you,
doctor, because D.J. has
become so unmanageable lately.
255
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:34,300
Well, why don't we bring
D.J. in right now.
256
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:39,801
986 tiles on the
waiting room floor.
257
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,334
986.
258
00:12:42,334 --> 00:12:44,734
He looks just
like his mother.
259
00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:46,701
Hello, D.J.
260
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:48,901
She's not the same.
They say she's the same,
but she's not the same.
261
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:50,734
He just repeats
that to himself.
262
00:12:50,734 --> 00:12:52,734
No one knows what it means.
263
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:55,033
Not the same at all.
Very different.
264
00:12:55,033 --> 00:12:58,667
Well, now, why don't we
start with D.J.'s family?
265
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:01,200
Oh, D.J.'s family
was wonderful.
266
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,767
It was happiness
times joy plus love.
267
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,801
You stand on the
end of the board,
268
00:13:09,801 --> 00:13:12,400
I'll jump on it and shoot
you in the air, okay?
269
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,067
Okay.
270
00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:16,868
Ready?
271
00:13:16,868 --> 00:13:18,534
Ready.
272
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,767
Freeze right there!
273
00:13:23,767 --> 00:13:26,734
What'd I tell you about
killing your brother
in the living room?
274
00:13:29,667 --> 00:13:33,334
This is a pretty picture.
Is this the one for school?
275
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:35,167
There's Daddy, and me,
276
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:37,501
and Becky, and you.
277
00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:39,367
Where's Darlene?
Right there.
278
00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:42,033
That looks like
a bunch of flowers.
279
00:13:42,033 --> 00:13:44,300
I know.
That's her grave.
280
00:13:48,634 --> 00:13:50,901
I just had some questions
about God and stuff.
281
00:13:50,901 --> 00:13:55,100
Well, so why didn't you come
to us if you had questions?
282
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,601
There's no two better people
to answer your questions
283
00:13:57,601 --> 00:13:58,801
than me and your dad.
284
00:13:58,801 --> 00:14:00,534
Okay.
285
00:14:00,534 --> 00:14:01,601
What religion are we?
286
00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:03,267
I have no idea.
Dan?
287
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:09,133
Well, my family's Pentecostal
on my mom's side,
288
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:10,534
Baptist on my dad's.
289
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:13,968
Your mom's mom was Lutheran
and her dad was Jewish.
290
00:14:13,968 --> 00:14:16,467
So what do we believe?
291
00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:18,534
Well...
292
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:21,067
We believe in being good,
293
00:14:21,067 --> 00:14:22,767
so, basically,
we're good people.
294
00:14:25,033 --> 00:14:27,033
Yeah, but we're
not practicing.
295
00:14:29,734 --> 00:14:31,567
How come we
never say grace?
296
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:34,834
Because, D.J., grace
is for those who are thankful.
297
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,434
Darlene, D.J. has
a new interest,
298
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:41,467
and we're not going to
give him a hard time.
299
00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:43,634
And I think saying grace
is a wonderful idea.
300
00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:44,801
Dan, say grace.
301
00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:49,968
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
this involves touching?
302
00:14:51,534 --> 00:14:54,367
Oh, Lord...
303
00:14:54,367 --> 00:14:57,868
we thank thee
304
00:14:57,868 --> 00:15:02,701
for providing this food...
305
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:06,067
which we have
gotten from thee.
306
00:15:09,133 --> 00:15:11,534
Thine chicken is
particularly good.
307
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,734
Amen.
308
00:15:14,734 --> 00:15:17,767
You know, I really liked that.
309
00:15:17,767 --> 00:15:20,434
I think from now on
we need to be as serious
310
00:15:20,434 --> 00:15:21,901
about our spiritual fitness
311
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:24,300
as we are about
our physical fitness.
312
00:15:29,133 --> 00:15:31,200
D.J., come on.
I'm walking you
to school today.
313
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,100
Oh, no, you're not going
in that, are you?
314
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,033
Oh, no, D.J.
315
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:38,934
I wouldn't do that to you.
316
00:15:38,934 --> 00:15:42,267
But, I would do...
317
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:43,567
This.
318
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,701
Oh, my, just a minute.
319
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,801
Wait one minute here.
320
00:15:53,801 --> 00:15:57,534
This is for when
I kiss you goodbye.
321
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,334
Now, this is a very
delicate area,
322
00:16:11,334 --> 00:16:12,901
but I just have to ask.
323
00:16:12,901 --> 00:16:15,434
In D.J.'s family,
324
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:19,467
how did they deal with
the issue of sex?
325
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:21,534
[barks]
326
00:16:21,534 --> 00:16:23,267
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.
327
00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:24,434
Woop, woop, woop,
woop, woop.
328
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:32,534
Only in the most healthy
and appropriate ways.
329
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,100
Ow!
330
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:36,200
Mom!
Mom!
331
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,601
Damn.
332
00:16:37,601 --> 00:16:38,701
She hit me!
333
00:16:38,701 --> 00:16:40,901
I caught him peeking at me
getting dressed.
334
00:16:40,901 --> 00:16:43,133
Honey, I told you
to cut that out.
335
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:46,667
You told me to stop
peeking at Becky!
336
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:49,133
Well, he's got me
there, Darlene.
337
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:51,067
What's going on?
338
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,968
Well, now the little
pervert's peeking at me.
339
00:16:53,968 --> 00:16:56,200
Why?
340
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,434
Look, it was fun for everybody
when he was peeking at Becky,
341
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:01,434
but now, someone may get hurt.
342
00:17:01,434 --> 00:17:02,968
[screams]
343
00:17:02,968 --> 00:17:04,968
Hey, come here.
Darlene, go away.
344
00:17:08,634 --> 00:17:10,767
Darlene called me a "prevert."
345
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,267
No, you're not
a "prevert," honey.
346
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:18,167
You're a pervert.
347
00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:21,334
Hey, what are you
doing downstairs?
348
00:17:21,334 --> 00:17:22,501
What's the matter
with your bathroom?
349
00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,868
Uh, D.J.'s been in there
for, like, an hour.
350
00:17:24,868 --> 00:17:27,000
Boy, he's just like you, Dan.
351
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,901
Why don't you run a
newspaper up to him?
352
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:35,133
He's got the door locked, and
it's like the third time today.
353
00:17:35,133 --> 00:17:37,200
Maybe I oughta
go up there.
354
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,033
Trust me, I don't think
this is a time
that a boy needs his mother.
355
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,601
What are you
talking about?
356
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:49,467
Um, I think I know
what she's talking about.
357
00:17:50,968 --> 00:17:53,534
And I think you know
what she's talking about
358
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:55,367
if you just think about
it for a minute.
359
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,868
Yeah, D.J.'s finally got
a friend that's not imaginary.
360
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:08,300
Oh, my God.
361
00:18:11,033 --> 00:18:13,534
You don't know.
362
00:18:13,534 --> 00:18:15,367
He could just be
brushing his teeth
363
00:18:15,367 --> 00:18:16,601
or, you know, uh,
364
00:18:16,601 --> 00:18:19,467
maybe he's compulsively
washing his hands,
365
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:22,334
or maybe it's something
totally harmless,
366
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:24,267
like chronic diarrhea.
367
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:29,234
Trust me, he goes in that room
'cause it's the only one
with a lock on it.
368
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:31,234
And he's in there for, like,
an hour at a time.
369
00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:35,200
Which either means he's
really, really good at it,
370
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,167
or really, really bad at it.
371
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:39,133
Oh, my God.
372
00:18:45,033 --> 00:18:47,534
Well, I don't want you to
give him any grief about this.
373
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:48,801
You could traumatize him
374
00:18:48,801 --> 00:18:51,133
and turn him into a
serial killer, or something.
375
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,200
Well, don't worry, how much
damage could he do
376
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,567
with only one free hand?
377
00:18:59,634 --> 00:19:01,000
Well, I've got an idea.
378
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,868
Let's talk about
D.J .'s school.
379
00:19:03,868 --> 00:19:06,934
Yeah, I hear he got caught
playing with his
instrument in band.
380
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:15,567
I'm not in band, stupid.
381
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,100
Okay, next subject.
382
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,267
Dan...
383
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:28,467
how was work?
384
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:32,033
Well, today was
a special one for me.
385
00:19:32,033 --> 00:19:35,834
It was the 179th
day in a row where I did
exactly the same thing.
386
00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:47,467
Well, D.J. over here
is well on his way
387
00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:49,467
to shattering that record.
388
00:19:57,667 --> 00:20:00,367
You know, uh...
389
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:04,901
When I was 13, something
really embarrassing
happened to me.
390
00:20:04,901 --> 00:20:07,100
You know, I never thought
I would get over it.
391
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:08,434
What?
392
00:20:08,434 --> 00:20:10,067
Well...
393
00:20:10,067 --> 00:20:13,133
You know, the junior high
had a dance, and, uh...
394
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:16,400
your grandma had bought me
this real pretty white dress
395
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,067
and in the middle
of the dance,
396
00:20:18,067 --> 00:20:19,834
I looked down at the dress,
397
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,934
and there was a, uh--
398
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:26,200
very noticeable stain.
399
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,267
What was it?
400
00:20:29,367 --> 00:20:31,868
Well, D.J., it seems that
401
00:20:31,868 --> 00:20:34,968
I was going through
what all the girls
were going through
402
00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:36,534
at a certain age.
403
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:38,701
I was having my first period.
404
00:20:38,701 --> 00:20:40,133
Oh, my God!
405
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:42,434
I don't want to hear it!
I don't want to hear it!
406
00:20:42,434 --> 00:20:44,434
Whoa, what's going on?
407
00:20:44,434 --> 00:20:46,567
Mom told me a story I don't
want to hear anymore!
408
00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:48,133
Well, that's no
reason for you
409
00:20:48,133 --> 00:20:50,467
to go running out of the room
screaming like a maniac.
410
00:20:50,467 --> 00:20:52,634
It was about her
having her period!
411
00:20:52,634 --> 00:20:53,801
As you were.
412
00:20:53,801 --> 00:20:55,701
[screaming]
413
00:21:00,501 --> 00:21:02,234
Was I an accident?
414
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,267
No, D.J., you
were a surprise.
415
00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:10,667
What's the difference?
416
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:11,968
Mmm, well...
417
00:21:11,968 --> 00:21:14,801
An accident
is something that,
418
00:21:14,801 --> 00:21:16,834
if you had to do
it over again,
419
00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:18,033
you wouldn't.
420
00:21:18,033 --> 00:21:19,367
But a surprise
421
00:21:19,367 --> 00:21:21,701
is something that you didn't
even know you wanted
422
00:21:21,701 --> 00:21:22,968
until you got it.
423
00:21:22,968 --> 00:21:24,534
Was Darlene an accident?
424
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,534
No, Darlene was a disaster.
425
00:21:29,234 --> 00:21:32,267
Darlene says I'm not gonna
be the baby anymore,
426
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:35,601
so nobody's gonna pay
any attention to me.
427
00:21:35,601 --> 00:21:36,834
Well, I'll tell
you what, honey.
428
00:21:36,834 --> 00:21:41,367
How about if we pay lots and
lots of attention to you?
429
00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:44,234
I'll be happy
if you have a baby.
430
00:21:44,234 --> 00:21:45,834
Oh, that's so sweet.
431
00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:48,501
Finally, I get a chance
to kick some butt.
432
00:21:49,968 --> 00:21:54,501
Well, perhaps his family
wasn't completely horrid.
433
00:21:54,501 --> 00:21:57,868
The problem may have stemmed
from some other cause.
434
00:21:57,868 --> 00:21:59,000
But what, doctor?
435
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,534
Why is D.J. the way he is?
436
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:04,968
Well, somewhere in his past,
something traumatic happened,
437
00:22:04,968 --> 00:22:07,901
and D.J. just
split with reality.
438
00:22:07,901 --> 00:22:11,501
Some key incident that he
cannot remove from his mind.
439
00:22:11,501 --> 00:22:15,033
They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.
440
00:22:15,033 --> 00:22:18,734
If only we could get
into his head.
441
00:22:18,734 --> 00:22:21,167
They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.
442
00:22:23,501 --> 00:22:24,501
Um...
443
00:22:24,501 --> 00:22:25,634
Hello?
444
00:22:25,634 --> 00:22:27,601
Thick thick, medium thick,
or thin thick?
445
00:22:27,601 --> 00:22:29,167
Becky...
446
00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:30,734
Mom, will you help me
with my hair?
447
00:22:30,734 --> 00:22:32,234
Hey.
448
00:22:34,667 --> 00:22:35,834
Mom and Dad, this is Mark.
449
00:22:35,834 --> 00:22:37,467
Mark, these are my parents.
450
00:22:37,467 --> 00:22:38,934
Hi!
451
00:22:38,934 --> 00:22:41,067
[D.J.]
They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.
452
00:22:41,067 --> 00:22:42,901
They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.
453
00:22:42,901 --> 00:22:45,267
They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.
454
00:22:45,267 --> 00:22:48,067
We may never know
what that means.
455
00:22:48,067 --> 00:22:50,033
They say she's the same,
but she isn't the same.
456
00:22:52,968 --> 00:22:54,934
[car starting]
457
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:02,200
All right, so,
I'll lock up.
458
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,601
I just gotta put
some more chairs up.
459
00:23:03,601 --> 00:23:04,934
See you later.
460
00:23:04,934 --> 00:23:06,534
Bye, Rob.
461
00:23:16,267 --> 00:23:17,934
Wow!
462
00:23:17,934 --> 00:23:20,100
[all]
Hi, Roseanne!
463
00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:22,000
Hi!
How are you?
464
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:23,767
Hello, dear.
465
00:23:23,767 --> 00:23:26,400
Oh, no, not June Cleaver!
466
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,767
Wow!
467
00:23:31,534 --> 00:23:35,067
Wow, beautiful pearls, June.
468
00:23:35,067 --> 00:23:37,300
My God, it's Lassie's mom!
469
00:23:37,300 --> 00:23:38,634
Yes!
470
00:23:38,634 --> 00:23:41,567
And the "Don't Eat
the Daisy's" mom!
471
00:23:41,567 --> 00:23:45,934
And the mom from the
Wonder bread, Wonder bra,
whatever.
472
00:23:45,934 --> 00:23:49,801
And Weezie!
473
00:23:49,801 --> 00:23:51,567
I love all you guys.
474
00:23:51,567 --> 00:23:52,567
I can't believe
you're here.
475
00:23:52,567 --> 00:23:53,567
What are you
doing here?
476
00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:55,734
We're the sitcom mom
welcome wagon.
477
00:23:55,734 --> 00:23:57,367
Well, yeah, well,
it's been seven years.
478
00:23:57,367 --> 00:23:58,400
What took you
so long?
479
00:23:59,667 --> 00:24:01,634
We had to make
sure you'd last.
480
00:24:01,634 --> 00:24:04,334
So may families move
into our neighborhood,
481
00:24:04,334 --> 00:24:06,300
and they're gone
in 13 weeks.
482
00:24:07,968 --> 00:24:09,534
I can't tell you
what this means to me.
483
00:24:09,534 --> 00:24:12,968
I'm so honored that
you guys like my show.
484
00:24:12,968 --> 00:24:17,968
Well, actually, we
haven't seen your show.
485
00:24:17,968 --> 00:24:20,834
But we heard a few things.
486
00:24:24,734 --> 00:24:27,634
Elizabeth Montgomery
was shocked,
487
00:24:27,634 --> 00:24:29,000
and she's a witch.
488
00:24:30,567 --> 00:24:33,367
You see, Roseanne, we've
all worked very hard
489
00:24:33,367 --> 00:24:36,133
to promote the image
of motherhood.
490
00:24:36,133 --> 00:24:40,267
And if what we've heard about
your show is true, well...
491
00:24:40,267 --> 00:24:44,467
we're about as mad as
H-E-double hockey sticks!
492
00:24:44,467 --> 00:24:47,567
Excuse my French.
493
00:24:47,567 --> 00:24:51,801
Well, whatever you heard
is a hell of a damn lie.
494
00:24:51,801 --> 00:24:54,701
Well, I'm afraid you're going
to have to prove it, dear.
495
00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:58,234
Hey, I'm just as
wholesome as any of you.
496
00:24:58,234 --> 00:25:00,200
I ain't the one
that named my kid Beaver.
497
00:25:04,834 --> 00:25:06,467
I'm serious, Mother.
498
00:25:06,467 --> 00:25:12,033
Bacon is loaded with
sodium, nitrates,
grease, and animal fat.
499
00:25:12,033 --> 00:25:13,868
Breakfast!
500
00:25:17,968 --> 00:25:20,067
Hey, I thought you
had pep squad today.
501
00:25:20,067 --> 00:25:22,033
I'm quitting pep squad.
I'm quitting school.
502
00:25:22,033 --> 00:25:23,100
I'm never going back again,
503
00:25:23,100 --> 00:25:24,267
and if anybody calls me,
504
00:25:24,267 --> 00:25:26,501
tell them I'm dead.
505
00:25:26,501 --> 00:25:29,667
It must be serious.
She's not taking phone calls.
506
00:25:29,667 --> 00:25:30,701
[Darlene]
Where is she?
507
00:25:30,701 --> 00:25:32,367
Where is my sister?
508
00:25:32,367 --> 00:25:33,667
She went upstairs.
509
00:25:33,667 --> 00:25:35,567
Ah-ha!
I'll nail her
on her home turf.
510
00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:37,234
Nah, you're
not nailing nobody.
511
00:25:37,234 --> 00:25:38,300
What happened?
512
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:40,400
This is according
to Sheryl Brewer,
513
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,200
whose older sister not only
goes to Lanford high,
514
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,400
but it also on
the student council,
515
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,701
and had a ringside seat
for the event of the century.
516
00:25:48,701 --> 00:25:50,968
Get to the point, Edna.
517
00:25:50,968 --> 00:25:52,367
Okay.
518
00:25:52,367 --> 00:25:55,033
Well, just as she
completes the line,
519
00:25:55,033 --> 00:26:01,000
"I'd like to thank the
student council for
allowing me to speak my mind,"
520
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,033
it happened.
521
00:26:02,033 --> 00:26:03,334
What happened?
522
00:26:03,334 --> 00:26:06,400
Becky cut the cheese.
523
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:14,801
Well, now what?
524
00:26:20,868 --> 00:26:21,868
Shut up, Dan.
525
00:26:21,868 --> 00:26:23,200
What?
526
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,667
This isn't funny.
527
00:26:30,834 --> 00:26:32,300
This is totally serious.
528
00:26:32,300 --> 00:26:36,801
Why don't you go upstairs
and talk to her?
529
00:26:36,801 --> 00:26:39,834
'Cause I figure this is
your area of expertise.
530
00:26:43,701 --> 00:26:47,567
Tell us about this stud
we're gonna be meeting tonight.
531
00:26:47,567 --> 00:26:50,667
Mother, you're not
gonna meet him.
532
00:26:50,667 --> 00:26:52,567
Well, we're gonna
be at the bowling alley,
533
00:26:52,567 --> 00:26:55,801
and Chip's gonna be
at the bowling alley.
534
00:26:58,834 --> 00:27:01,300
[hick voice]
We're bound to run
into one another.
535
00:27:04,667 --> 00:27:06,367
Please don't embarrass me.
536
00:27:06,367 --> 00:27:07,734
Please.
537
00:27:07,734 --> 00:27:10,834
Oh, honey, there's no way
we'd embarrass you.
538
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:17,400
Mom?
539
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,934
Yeah?
540
00:27:18,934 --> 00:27:22,434
If you want it, I still
have some birthday money
I hid in my closet.
541
00:27:22,434 --> 00:27:24,367
Awww...
542
00:27:24,367 --> 00:27:25,934
No, you don't,
but thanks, anyway.
543
00:27:28,267 --> 00:27:29,968
I can't handle this.
I'm outta here.
544
00:27:29,968 --> 00:27:31,167
No, you're not
going any place.
545
00:27:31,167 --> 00:27:33,033
You're grounded.
546
00:27:33,033 --> 00:27:34,501
Okay, wait a minute, now.
547
00:27:34,501 --> 00:27:36,400
I'm grounded for
lying to you guys
548
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:37,801
about living with
David, right?
549
00:27:37,801 --> 00:27:38,834
Right!
550
00:27:38,834 --> 00:27:40,901
Just like you
lied to Dad,
551
00:27:40,901 --> 00:27:43,901
and said that you didn't
know that I was living
with him in Chicago
552
00:27:43,901 --> 00:27:44,934
even though you did, right?
553
00:27:44,934 --> 00:27:46,834
Excuse me?
554
00:27:46,834 --> 00:27:50,200
Oh, you are in
so much trouble now.
555
00:27:54,634 --> 00:27:56,767
Ratting out your own mother,
556
00:27:56,767 --> 00:28:00,367
there's just, like, there's
nothing lower than that.
557
00:28:00,367 --> 00:28:02,033
I mean, am I right, Dan?
558
00:28:02,033 --> 00:28:03,734
Is that like--
ratting out your mom,
559
00:28:03,734 --> 00:28:04,868
that's gotta be
the worst, right?
560
00:28:06,701 --> 00:28:07,968
I'm going to Jackie's.
561
00:28:10,100 --> 00:28:12,067
What are we gonna do with her?
562
00:28:14,501 --> 00:28:16,467
I was thinking, you know,
563
00:28:16,467 --> 00:28:17,968
um...
564
00:28:17,968 --> 00:28:20,734
Just in case
we decide to,
565
00:28:20,734 --> 00:28:22,901
um...
566
00:28:22,901 --> 00:28:27,000
That it's time
for me to, um...
567
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,567
get some birth control.
568
00:28:49,634 --> 00:28:51,501
Idn't it great, Roseanne?
569
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:57,067
That Becky has such a
wonderful, progressive,
570
00:28:57,067 --> 00:29:00,601
open-minded mom that she
can talk to about that?
571
00:29:05,634 --> 00:29:07,634
Oh, sure!
572
00:29:09,234 --> 00:29:11,767
Darlene, you can't just
sit there and be kissed.
573
00:29:11,767 --> 00:29:13,834
You gotta kiss back.
574
00:29:13,834 --> 00:29:15,434
Or you can be
the one doing the kissing.
575
00:29:15,434 --> 00:29:16,601
but boys don't like that.
576
00:29:16,601 --> 00:29:18,501
How come?
I don't know.
577
00:29:18,501 --> 00:29:20,767
It's like they think it's
their job, or something.
578
00:29:20,767 --> 00:29:22,567
Well, how do you know
when to breathe?
579
00:29:22,567 --> 00:29:23,801
You breathe whenever
you feel like it.
580
00:29:23,801 --> 00:29:25,734
So, basically,
you just do this?
581
00:29:28,734 --> 00:29:31,234
No, no, no, no, no.
582
00:29:31,234 --> 00:29:32,601
You kind of...
583
00:29:38,167 --> 00:29:39,634
Then you open your
mouth a little bit.
584
00:29:39,634 --> 00:29:41,934
You open your mouth?
585
00:29:43,434 --> 00:29:45,100
For what?
586
00:29:45,100 --> 00:29:47,634
So you can slip
him the tongue.
587
00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:53,667
Oh, my!
588
00:29:53,667 --> 00:29:56,467
I'm glad I don't
stay up past 9:00.
589
00:29:58,434 --> 00:30:01,534
We moved on up to get away
from people like you.
590
00:30:09,434 --> 00:30:12,634
You're supposed to teach your
children valuable lessons.
591
00:30:12,634 --> 00:30:16,667
Do you have an episode
where your son breaks
a window with a baseball
592
00:30:16,667 --> 00:30:20,300
and your husband makes him
go out and get a job
and pay for it?
593
00:30:20,300 --> 00:30:23,300
Well, no, we couldn't do
an episode like that.
594
00:30:23,300 --> 00:30:26,100
The network doesn't like it.
Too risky.
595
00:30:26,100 --> 00:30:29,467
But we did have this one show
the network just loved.
596
00:30:29,467 --> 00:30:32,901
It was about me
finding some old reefer
597
00:30:32,901 --> 00:30:34,234
down in the basement.
598
00:30:34,234 --> 00:30:35,501
Reefer?
599
00:30:37,868 --> 00:30:40,033
Ask Eddie Haskell.
600
00:30:40,033 --> 00:30:41,767
So, anyway's, I thought
it was David's.
601
00:30:41,767 --> 00:30:44,400
You know, that's
the guy that's
sleeping with my daughter.
602
00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:47,300
But, anyway, it turns out
that it was my old pot
603
00:30:47,300 --> 00:30:49,067
so we start
smoking it, you know,
604
00:30:49,067 --> 00:30:50,234
and...
605
00:30:52,634 --> 00:30:53,801
Roseanne?
606
00:30:53,801 --> 00:30:54,901
Mmm.
607
00:30:54,901 --> 00:30:59,067
You are the most
wonderful,
beautiful,
608
00:30:59,067 --> 00:31:01,400
sexy...
609
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,901
you know, thing.
610
00:31:06,601 --> 00:31:10,000
I really, really, love you.
611
00:31:12,367 --> 00:31:13,767
What?
612
00:31:19,734 --> 00:31:21,801
I thought this stuff
would make me feel younger.
613
00:31:21,801 --> 00:31:25,234
All I feel is old
and tired and hungry.
614
00:31:25,234 --> 00:31:29,267
Man, maybe this is
how we got fat.
615
00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:35,334
[Jackie]
Nobody loves me.
616
00:31:46,968 --> 00:31:48,067
Oh, hi, Jackie!
617
00:31:48,067 --> 00:31:49,634
We thought you went home.
618
00:31:49,634 --> 00:31:52,667
Look at me.
I got nothing.
619
00:31:52,667 --> 00:31:54,200
No boyfriend,
no meaningful job,
620
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:55,234
no husband, no family.
621
00:31:55,234 --> 00:31:57,100
It's just me.
622
00:31:57,100 --> 00:31:59,467
It's just me and my ganja.
623
00:32:02,534 --> 00:32:04,567
[laughing]
624
00:32:12,601 --> 00:32:13,634
[door slamming]
625
00:32:13,634 --> 00:32:15,000
Did you hear that?
626
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:18,767
Sound's like somebody's coming
through the front door.
627
00:32:18,767 --> 00:32:23,033
You're just being
all paranoid, Dan.
628
00:32:23,033 --> 00:32:25,734
Ooh, birds, birds, birds!
629
00:32:25,734 --> 00:32:28,200
Ooh, don't you hate that
when you're stoned?
630
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:29,901
I don't like it anytime.
631
00:32:34,567 --> 00:32:35,701
[slamming]
632
00:32:35,701 --> 00:32:37,200
Now don't tell me
you didn't hear that.
633
00:32:38,901 --> 00:32:41,234
Is this the sink?
Am I shrinking?
634
00:32:47,100 --> 00:32:48,834
[knocking on door]
635
00:32:48,834 --> 00:32:50,367
Mom?
636
00:32:50,367 --> 00:32:52,133
The jig is up!
637
00:32:54,534 --> 00:32:55,534
D.J.
638
00:33:00,234 --> 00:33:01,367
D.J.
639
00:33:01,367 --> 00:33:04,167
Deeeee Jay.
640
00:33:04,167 --> 00:33:06,667
D.J.
D.J.
641
00:33:06,667 --> 00:33:08,734
Did you ever notice
how weird that sounds?
642
00:33:08,734 --> 00:33:10,000
D.J.
643
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:11,133
Shhhh!
644
00:33:11,133 --> 00:33:13,734
Dan, maintain.
645
00:33:22,567 --> 00:33:24,868
[high pitched voice]
What do you want, D.J.?
646
00:33:26,901 --> 00:33:29,200
God, you're right!
647
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:34,267
[D.J.]
Forgot my sleeping bag.
Where is it?
648
00:33:34,267 --> 00:33:36,100
Oh, well, it is
649
00:33:36,100 --> 00:33:37,667
out behind the
house, you know?
650
00:33:37,667 --> 00:33:38,934
Past the yard, you know?
651
00:33:38,934 --> 00:33:40,701
In that building
back there, you know?
652
00:33:40,701 --> 00:33:42,400
Where your dad always is?
With the tools?
653
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:43,567
And a car?
654
00:33:46,033 --> 00:33:47,968
[D.J.]
Thanks, Mom.
655
00:33:52,467 --> 00:33:55,701
Oh, my God, I'm like
the worst mother
on the face of the earth.
656
00:33:55,701 --> 00:33:57,334
No, you're not.
657
00:33:57,334 --> 00:33:58,601
Yes, I am, Dan.
658
00:33:58,601 --> 00:34:00,634
I don't even know
where I sent my kid.
659
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,901
Well, say he
falls down, you know,
660
00:34:05,901 --> 00:34:07,968
and he breaks
one of his organs
661
00:34:07,968 --> 00:34:09,400
and he needs a transplant
from me, you know,
662
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:11,334
but I can't give him
any of my organs,
663
00:34:11,334 --> 00:34:13,100
because they're
all full of pot!
664
00:34:16,901 --> 00:34:19,300
That's not going
to happen, honey.
665
00:34:19,300 --> 00:34:21,601
I just know there's
just no way
666
00:34:21,601 --> 00:34:24,300
I could handle any
kind of crisis, Dan.
667
00:34:25,701 --> 00:34:28,467
Well, maybe I could.
668
00:34:30,334 --> 00:34:33,234
Oh, God, I just want
our normal lives back.
669
00:34:34,567 --> 00:34:37,400
Were we ever really stupid
enough to enjoy this?
670
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,133
Yes, we were, Dan.
671
00:34:39,133 --> 00:34:42,367
But you now, that was
a very different time.
672
00:34:42,367 --> 00:34:45,033
There was a war going on.
673
00:34:45,033 --> 00:34:47,133
Everything was just
a lot more fun.
674
00:34:49,667 --> 00:34:52,334
Could someone please
get me a cold towel.
675
00:34:54,834 --> 00:34:57,434
Oh, come on.
We learned our lesson.
676
00:34:57,434 --> 00:34:59,133
We got the message across.
677
00:34:59,133 --> 00:35:00,734
Drugs are bad.
678
00:35:00,734 --> 00:35:01,968
Especially really old stuff
679
00:35:01,968 --> 00:35:03,601
that's been sitting
there awhile.
680
00:35:05,100 --> 00:35:09,000
But that's the wrong
image for a TV mom.
681
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:10,267
She's right, you know.
682
00:35:10,267 --> 00:35:15,000
Once, Timmy went off
to explore an old,
abandoned mine
683
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:16,868
after I had told him not to.
684
00:35:16,868 --> 00:35:20,400
My husband gave him
a good talking to.
685
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:22,868
Well, see, now that is
the difference between us.
686
00:35:22,868 --> 00:35:25,334
In my house, I yell
at the kids,
687
00:35:25,334 --> 00:35:30,167
and Dan is the one whose
job it is to just
sit there looking pretty.
688
00:35:30,167 --> 00:35:33,267
You mean you're the boss
in your own family?
689
00:35:33,267 --> 00:35:34,300
Yep.
690
00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:37,767
And I get all
the good jokes, too.
691
00:35:37,767 --> 00:35:39,534
Pretty sweet, ain't it?
692
00:35:39,534 --> 00:35:43,234
On my show, the dog
got all the good lines.
693
00:35:45,534 --> 00:35:47,901
I just translated.
694
00:35:47,901 --> 00:35:50,734
And then they shot me
off into outer space,
695
00:35:50,734 --> 00:35:55,033
and I had that annoying
Dr. Smith and that damn robot.
696
00:35:55,033 --> 00:35:57,501
Well, see, nobody upstages me.
697
00:35:57,501 --> 00:36:00,567
That's why they call
the show Roseanne.
698
00:36:00,567 --> 00:36:03,467
They named the show
after you?
699
00:36:03,467 --> 00:36:04,901
The wife?
700
00:36:04,901 --> 00:36:07,400
I didn't know
they could do that.
701
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,868
Now, those bastards told me...
702
00:36:13,667 --> 00:36:16,734
that there were too many
letters in June
703
00:36:16,734 --> 00:36:19,167
to be on the screen.
704
00:36:19,167 --> 00:36:21,334
[voiceover]It was at that momentI realized...
705
00:36:21,334 --> 00:36:23,267
I had been ripped off.
706
00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:25,300
I should've been thestar of my show.
707
00:36:25,300 --> 00:36:28,767
I should've hadthe voiceovers!
708
00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,567
I still don't like it!
709
00:36:32,567 --> 00:36:36,133
You know, in my day,
mothers did not have tattoos.
710
00:36:36,133 --> 00:36:39,267
Yeah, well you obviously never
saw Harriet Nelson naked.
711
00:36:41,033 --> 00:36:42,767
Anyway's, the important
thing is,
712
00:36:42,767 --> 00:36:44,734
on my show, I'm the boss,
713
00:36:44,734 --> 00:36:47,367
and Father knows squat.
714
00:36:48,934 --> 00:36:50,934
All right, I'll stay.
715
00:36:50,934 --> 00:36:53,501
Oh, poor Dan.
716
00:36:53,501 --> 00:36:56,367
He has to sit here on the bed
with me for two minutes
717
00:36:56,367 --> 00:37:01,167
and do nothing while me
and God create a life.
718
00:37:01,167 --> 00:37:05,367
Maybe my sperms are
just waiting for your egg
to shut up.
719
00:37:06,834 --> 00:37:09,534
Oh, Dan, I know that we're
both just sick to death
720
00:37:09,534 --> 00:37:11,133
of all this lovemaking crap,
721
00:37:11,133 --> 00:37:13,567
but we gotta do it.
722
00:37:13,567 --> 00:37:16,000
Yeah, I've been thinking--
when this kid
graduates high school,
723
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:17,067
I'll be 60.
724
00:37:17,067 --> 00:37:18,601
Well, it's one of
our kids, Dan,
725
00:37:18,601 --> 00:37:20,901
so you'll probably be
more like 65 or 70.
726
00:37:24,267 --> 00:37:26,234
Be too old even
to play ball with him.
727
00:37:26,234 --> 00:37:29,234
Odds are, half my
life's over already.
728
00:37:29,234 --> 00:37:31,033
If this kid has to
grow up without a father,
729
00:37:31,033 --> 00:37:33,033
is that fair to him?
730
00:37:33,033 --> 00:37:34,334
I'm scared, Roseanne.
731
00:37:34,334 --> 00:37:36,634
This whole thing is
making me think about death.
732
00:37:36,634 --> 00:37:38,400
Well, think about whatever
you have to, Dan.
733
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,400
We're going again
in 20 minutes.
734
00:37:43,434 --> 00:37:44,767
Wake up, sleepyhead.
735
00:37:44,767 --> 00:37:46,000
[Roseanne]
Dan?
736
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,734
Hi, honey.
How do you feel?
737
00:37:47,734 --> 00:37:49,534
How did everything go?
738
00:37:49,534 --> 00:37:51,334
Oh, the operation went great.
739
00:37:51,334 --> 00:37:53,634
The surgeon said it was
his best work ever.
740
00:37:53,634 --> 00:37:54,701
I want to see.
741
00:37:54,701 --> 00:37:55,968
I want to see!
742
00:37:55,968 --> 00:37:57,834
Okay, there's a mirror
over by the wall.
743
00:37:57,834 --> 00:37:59,567
Let me help you up.
744
00:38:05,934 --> 00:38:07,968
[screams]
745
00:38:10,434 --> 00:38:11,634
Great, huh?
746
00:38:11,634 --> 00:38:14,334
They were supposed to
make 'em smaller!
747
00:38:16,267 --> 00:38:18,767
This is better.
748
00:38:18,767 --> 00:38:21,267
Oh, my God!
749
00:38:23,133 --> 00:38:26,367
You know, c'mon, Dan.
It's been, like, a while.
750
00:38:26,367 --> 00:38:27,934
I know.
751
00:38:30,367 --> 00:38:33,334
What's the matter?
752
00:38:33,334 --> 00:38:35,701
I'm not sure
this is the right time.
753
00:38:35,701 --> 00:38:37,968
No, no, it's the perfect time.
754
00:38:37,968 --> 00:38:41,734
I haven't even
made the bed yet.
755
00:38:41,734 --> 00:38:44,834
I don't know, Roseanne.
I feel kinda weird.
756
00:38:44,834 --> 00:38:46,267
Well, it's still me.
757
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,901
I'm nervous, honey.
758
00:38:50,901 --> 00:38:53,534
Well, don't be.
759
00:39:02,167 --> 00:39:03,667
They're higher, now.
760
00:39:06,734 --> 00:39:10,567
Uh, look, it's not that
we think anything
is wrong with nudity.
761
00:39:10,567 --> 00:39:13,167
As a matter of fact,
me and Mr. Conner
762
00:39:13,167 --> 00:39:14,934
used to have sex that way.
763
00:39:14,934 --> 00:39:17,534
I feel sorry for you people.
764
00:39:17,534 --> 00:39:20,701
Nudity is our
chosen lifestyle.
765
00:39:20,701 --> 00:39:24,167
But you can't help yourselves.
766
00:39:24,167 --> 00:39:27,901
You're compulsive,
sick perverts.
767
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:34,067
Well, it's not
that easy
not to look.
768
00:39:34,067 --> 00:39:36,901
Well, I certainly think
we can manage.
769
00:39:36,901 --> 00:39:39,133
Oh, yeah?
What color are my eyes?
770
00:39:39,133 --> 00:39:40,534
Oh, my God!
771
00:39:40,534 --> 00:39:41,567
Run, dear!
772
00:39:45,367 --> 00:39:48,834
We're going to plant
that hedge, believe me.
773
00:39:48,834 --> 00:39:50,701
And we'll tell
all your neighbors
774
00:39:50,701 --> 00:39:54,133
just what kind of
people you are!
775
00:39:54,133 --> 00:39:57,067
Well, it's too late!
They already know.
776
00:40:00,033 --> 00:40:01,133
Honest to God,
777
00:40:01,133 --> 00:40:02,667
this broad was so hot,
778
00:40:02,667 --> 00:40:04,868
I thought she was
gonna kill me.
779
00:40:04,868 --> 00:40:06,067
[laughing]
780
00:40:06,067 --> 00:40:08,868
Yeah!
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.
781
00:40:11,467 --> 00:40:15,767
So then, she brings out this
suitcase full of sex toys.
782
00:40:15,767 --> 00:40:17,734
And I'm thinking,
this broad is freaky.
783
00:40:17,734 --> 00:40:19,000
Oh, yeah!
784
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:20,701
Hey, as long as you're getting
your battery charged,
785
00:40:20,701 --> 00:40:22,501
what's the damn difference?
786
00:40:22,501 --> 00:40:25,067
Yeah, I mean, while you're
getting your car washed,
787
00:40:25,067 --> 00:40:27,501
you might as well get
the hot wax, right?
788
00:40:27,501 --> 00:40:28,934
[laughing]
789
00:40:28,934 --> 00:40:30,801
One thing I want
to know is,
790
00:40:30,801 --> 00:40:34,534
what does she want with you
when she's got a suitcase
full of sex toys?
791
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:40,000
That supposed to be a joke?
792
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:42,868
Okay.
793
00:40:57,567 --> 00:41:00,267
Ahh!
794
00:41:00,267 --> 00:41:01,434
Ahh!
795
00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:09,067
So, how you doing?
796
00:41:09,067 --> 00:41:11,734
Fine.
797
00:41:11,734 --> 00:41:15,968
You watch that
Blackhawks
game on TV?
798
00:41:15,968 --> 00:41:17,434
Nope.
799
00:41:17,434 --> 00:41:19,734
Oh, you're a Bulls fan, 'eh?
800
00:41:26,601 --> 00:41:27,701
Oh, I get it!
801
00:41:27,701 --> 00:41:30,200
It's like being
in an elevator.
802
00:41:32,634 --> 00:41:34,834
You know, Roseanne, we
oughta hang out more often.
803
00:41:34,834 --> 00:41:36,067
I was thinking that, too,
804
00:41:36,067 --> 00:41:38,367
but next time, let's
leave the wives at home.
805
00:41:40,968 --> 00:41:42,834
You read my mind.
806
00:41:45,634 --> 00:41:46,901
Huh?
807
00:42:03,534 --> 00:42:04,734
[laughing]
808
00:42:07,367 --> 00:42:10,000
Oh, come on, Barbara.
809
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,334
Wasn't that fun?
810
00:42:12,334 --> 00:42:15,234
Yeah, you know, maybe if you
would have spoke your mind
once in a while,
811
00:42:15,234 --> 00:42:18,968
Beave wouldn't have had to
go get killed in 'Nam.
812
00:42:18,968 --> 00:42:20,868
Oh, that was just a rumor.
813
00:42:20,868 --> 00:42:22,434
Beaver's alive.
814
00:42:22,434 --> 00:42:25,334
Yeah, well,
he ain't workin'.
815
00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:27,100
I don't like any of this.
816
00:42:27,100 --> 00:42:31,133
Why, girls kissing girls
and foul language?
817
00:42:31,133 --> 00:42:33,667
And teenage sex!
818
00:42:33,667 --> 00:42:36,501
Yeah, I know, that
stuff's kinda bad,
819
00:42:36,501 --> 00:42:40,133
but you guys wanna hear
how much money I make?
820
00:42:40,133 --> 00:42:42,367
[gasping]
821
00:42:42,367 --> 00:42:44,534
[screaming]
822
00:42:46,467 --> 00:42:48,033
Oh, my God!
823
00:42:48,033 --> 00:42:51,834
Why, I'd make out with
a chick for that kinda dough!
824
00:42:51,834 --> 00:42:54,067
[laughing]
825
00:42:57,367 --> 00:43:00,601
Any one of you,
right now.
826
00:43:02,234 --> 00:43:03,767
All right, well,
come on, ladies.
827
00:43:03,767 --> 00:43:05,934
Let's go toss back a few
and raise a little hell.
828
00:43:05,934 --> 00:43:07,767
Give them something to make
a movie of the week about.
829
00:43:07,767 --> 00:43:10,033
I'll call that Partridge girl.
830
00:43:10,033 --> 00:43:11,934
She can pick us up
on her bus!
831
00:43:11,934 --> 00:43:13,300
Ah, screw that.
832
00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:14,400
We'll take my limo.
833
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:15,400
You have a limo?
834
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:16,634
Yeah!
835
00:43:16,634 --> 00:43:18,601
And look what my
driver gave me.
836
00:43:18,601 --> 00:43:21,334
Congratulations!
837
00:43:31,033 --> 00:43:33,234
There's nothing
wrong with my driving.
838
00:43:33,234 --> 00:43:35,434
Uh-huh, right.
839
00:43:35,434 --> 00:43:38,467
That's why you throw me
all over the car pumping
those brakes.
840
00:43:38,467 --> 00:43:41,834
I pump the brakes
to make sure they grab.
841
00:43:41,834 --> 00:43:43,934
Because if they don't grab,
842
00:43:43,934 --> 00:43:45,601
I rear-end the guy
in front of me,
843
00:43:45,601 --> 00:43:46,801
I get a ticket,
844
00:43:46,801 --> 00:43:48,100
they raise our
insurance premiums
845
00:43:48,100 --> 00:43:49,434
we go broke
trying to pay 'em,
846
00:43:49,434 --> 00:43:51,100
we end up in a poor horse--
847
00:43:51,100 --> 00:43:52,300
har--
[whinnies
848
00:43:52,300 --> 00:43:53,667
Wilbur!
849
00:43:55,601 --> 00:43:58,367
We end up in a poor house,
our children starve.
850
00:43:58,367 --> 00:44:02,234
I pump those brakes
to make sure they grab.
851
00:44:02,234 --> 00:44:03,667
If they don't grab,
852
00:44:03,667 --> 00:44:05,200
I rear-end a guy
in front of me.
853
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:06,434
I get a ticket.
854
00:44:06,434 --> 00:44:08,267
Our insurance premiums go up.
855
00:44:08,267 --> 00:44:10,167
We go broke trying
to pay them.
856
00:44:10,167 --> 00:44:12,200
Our children end up
in a poor house,
857
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:13,234
we starve.
858
00:44:13,234 --> 00:44:15,133
That's why I
pump the brakes.
859
00:44:15,133 --> 00:44:17,267
Okay, well, just
tell me one thing.
860
00:44:17,267 --> 00:44:19,467
What?
Why do you pump the brakes?
861
00:44:19,467 --> 00:44:22,767
[laughs]
862
00:44:27,434 --> 00:44:28,801
You know, Rosie...
863
00:44:28,801 --> 00:44:30,367
[laughs]
864
00:44:35,801 --> 00:44:37,234
[maniacal laughter]
865
00:44:37,234 --> 00:44:39,834
[Dan's voice]
Welcome to the
tunnel of terror!
866
00:44:41,934 --> 00:44:44,534
Now, Morty, be
nice to the people!
867
00:44:44,534 --> 00:44:46,601
How do I look?
868
00:44:46,601 --> 00:44:48,434
[screams]
869
00:44:48,434 --> 00:44:50,033
[screams]
870
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,901
I've got a
splitting headache.
Agh!
871
00:44:53,901 --> 00:44:55,868
You tramp!
You slut!
872
00:44:55,868 --> 00:44:56,901
[screams]
873
00:45:06,868 --> 00:45:07,868
Go away!
874
00:45:07,868 --> 00:45:09,701
Leave us alone!
We are as God made us.
875
00:45:09,701 --> 00:45:10,868
[screams]
876
00:45:28,501 --> 00:45:31,434
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
61235
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