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1
00:00:04,801 --> 00:00:06,868
[doorbell]
2
00:00:06,868 --> 00:00:08,868
I'll be there
in a second.
3
00:00:08,868 --> 00:00:10,400
Why do people
always interrupt us
4
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,033
whenever we start
to fool around?
5
00:00:12,033 --> 00:00:13,968
Well, it's all part
of my plot, Fred.
6
00:00:13,968 --> 00:00:16,167
I am trying to die
without ever having
another orgasm.
7
00:00:16,167 --> 00:00:19,033
[doorbell]
8
00:00:20,601 --> 00:00:23,200
Well, look who's up
before the cartoons.
9
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,400
Is the baby up yet?
10
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,033
Up, shaved, showered,
and gone to work.
11
00:00:26,033 --> 00:00:27,601
He's in the nursery.
12
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:30,767
That kid is always here.
13
00:00:30,767 --> 00:00:32,467
Well, he likes his cousin.
14
00:00:32,467 --> 00:00:34,400
He should be playing
with his friends.
15
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,200
Every day that kid
comes over here,
16
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,033
and every day
he's a little stranger
17
00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:40,467
than the day before.
18
00:00:40,467 --> 00:00:41,801
You know, you were gonna
talk to Roseanne
19
00:00:41,801 --> 00:00:43,234
about him coming
over here all the time.
20
00:00:43,234 --> 00:00:45,501
Hey, you guys,
look what I did!
21
00:00:45,501 --> 00:00:47,634
Oh!
22
00:00:47,634 --> 00:00:49,267
[laughing nervously]
Look at that, Fred.
23
00:00:49,267 --> 00:00:51,934
Oh, what a clever boy.
24
00:00:51,934 --> 00:00:54,434
He's got our only child
in a cooking pot.
25
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:58,234
Just let me have my pot.
26
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,000
Um, can I have that box?
27
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,100
Why?
28
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:04,267
Well, 'cause this kid
at school
29
00:01:04,267 --> 00:01:05,501
taught me
to eat cardboard.
30
00:01:05,501 --> 00:01:08,067
Wanna see? I can eat
the whole box in an hour.
31
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,033
D.J., if you're hungry,
just go in the kitchen
32
00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:12,133
and get some of those
rice cakes in there.
33
00:01:12,133 --> 00:01:13,968
They taste
just like cardboard
34
00:01:13,968 --> 00:01:15,567
and they won't
bind you up so bad.
35
00:01:15,567 --> 00:01:17,000
Okay.
36
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,400
I think there's something
really wrong with that kid.
37
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,067
I can't keep him
from coming here
38
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:27,100
without hurting Roseanne.
39
00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:28,567
Oh, yeah.
40
00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:30,267
At least you got
your priorities straight.
41
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,634
After all, Roseanne
is the father of your child.
42
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:34,701
Oh, Fred, fine.
43
00:01:34,701 --> 00:01:36,567
If you're gonna make
a federal case out of it,
44
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:37,901
I will talk to her.
45
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:39,634
Let me just think
of a very gentle way
46
00:01:39,634 --> 00:01:41,300
of telling Roseanne
that you hate her son.
47
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:42,934
I don't hate him.
48
00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:44,701
I just think
he's a little weird.
49
00:01:44,701 --> 00:01:47,567
Why do you have to
think of it that way?
50
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,567
I don't know why
you can't appreciate him
51
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:52,200
the way my family
always has.
52
00:01:57,501 --> 00:01:59,167
You have a headache, D.J.?
53
00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:00,934
Heh, not yet.
54
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:48,801
[laughing]
55
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:56,400
[mumbling]
Where you going?
56
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,701
Mark's out of town
and Darlene is coming home.
57
00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,534
It's the perfect time for me
to visit Aunt Jackie.
58
00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:01,767
It's your mother's
birthday Sunday.
59
00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:03,267
You're not
going anywhere.
60
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:04,334
Goodbye.
61
00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:05,901
Sit down, Becky.
62
00:03:08,133 --> 00:03:10,000
Now, look...
63
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,167
your mom doesn't want much
for her birthday.
64
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:15,834
A new pair of shoes,
dinner in a nice restaurant,
65
00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:17,801
daughters who get along.
66
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:20,400
Let's be honest;
the first two
are a pipe-dream.
67
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,100
Dad, you can't make up
with someone
68
00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:25,434
who has no feelings.
69
00:03:25,434 --> 00:03:27,501
Darlene is like a machine.
70
00:03:27,501 --> 00:03:31,234
That's not true at all.
Machines can't hate.
71
00:03:31,234 --> 00:03:32,601
Look, I meant
what I told her.
72
00:03:32,601 --> 00:03:33,968
I think she's
a cold-hearted brat
73
00:03:33,968 --> 00:03:35,601
who doesn't care
about anyone but herself.
74
00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:39,601
Look, I probably
shouldn't tell you this...
75
00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:40,968
but when I was talking
to Darlene
76
00:03:40,968 --> 00:03:42,634
about coming home
this weekend,
77
00:03:42,634 --> 00:03:45,701
she was actually crying.
78
00:03:45,701 --> 00:03:47,701
She thinks you hate her.
79
00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:49,501
Really?
80
00:03:49,501 --> 00:03:51,234
Darlene was crying?
81
00:03:51,234 --> 00:03:53,267
And not just a little.
82
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,801
Remember that time
when she was ten
83
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:58,300
and we told her that
she wasn't adopted?
84
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,901
Like that.
85
00:04:00,901 --> 00:04:03,567
Wow. I didn't know.
86
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:06,133
Hey, Dad, is the box
the refrigerator came in
87
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:07,734
still in the garage?
88
00:04:07,734 --> 00:04:10,734
D.J., do me a favor
and don't eat
the refrigerator box.
89
00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,667
And why don't you go
upstairs and unpack.
90
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:14,067
Okay.
91
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:17,300
What's that suitcase
made out of?
92
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,501
Go.
93
00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:22,767
Why can't I eat the box
the refrigerator came in?
94
00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:25,434
Because eating cardboard
can ruin your life.
95
00:04:25,434 --> 00:04:27,033
You could end up
in the street,
96
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:28,534
living in a box.
97
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,901
Then you'll eat the box
and you'll be homeless.
98
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:34,267
I'm home.
99
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,167
Oh, Dad,
I just feel so bad.
100
00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:44,167
It's okay, little girl.
We'll get through it.
101
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:47,601
I just couldn't believe it
when I got your message.
102
00:04:47,601 --> 00:04:49,100
How did Nana Mary die?
103
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:52,200
Oh, it was...
just something fatal.
104
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,133
I'm just so glad
you're home.
105
00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:56,601
Dad, well,
of course I'm home.
106
00:04:56,601 --> 00:04:58,501
I mean, what do you
think of me?
107
00:04:58,501 --> 00:05:00,501
Oh, well, I didn't know.
108
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,467
I mean, you wouldn't come home
for your mom's birthday
109
00:05:02,467 --> 00:05:03,834
'cause you were
so mad at Becky.
110
00:05:03,834 --> 00:05:06,300
Yeah, but this is, like,
a whole different thing.
111
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:08,701
I mean, my great-grandmother
is dead.
112
00:05:08,701 --> 00:05:11,501
Darlene, I've got
some happy news.
113
00:05:11,501 --> 00:05:13,501
Nana Mary's alive!
114
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:16,567
What?
115
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:20,067
She's not even sick.
Isn't that great?
116
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:22,000
Wait...
117
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,667
I can't believe
that you faked
118
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:26,801
my great-grandmother's death
just to get me home.
119
00:05:26,801 --> 00:05:28,634
That's horrible.
120
00:05:28,634 --> 00:05:30,767
That's disgusting.
121
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:34,033
That's like something
Mom would do.
122
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,667
Yeah, thanks.
123
00:05:36,667 --> 00:05:37,801
Actually,
I kinda thought of it
124
00:05:37,801 --> 00:05:39,367
as a present for her.
125
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,634
Look, Darlene,
it's good to have you home.
126
00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:45,167
No matter what I said
to you before,
127
00:05:45,167 --> 00:05:46,734
I'm still
your big sister.
128
00:05:46,734 --> 00:05:48,234
Actually, Becky,
I think of you
129
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:50,300
more as a big cyst.
130
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,334
You told me
she came home
to make up.
131
00:05:54,334 --> 00:05:55,334
Oh, I did.
132
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:58,000
I came home to make up
a list of losers.
133
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:03,067
Let's see, there's you
and your husband and--
134
00:06:03,067 --> 00:06:04,701
Well, that's it.
135
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,801
That's enough.
Both of you.
136
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:10,734
Now, I want you two
to make up and get along.
137
00:06:10,734 --> 00:06:12,033
[scoffs]
Forget this.
138
00:06:12,033 --> 00:06:14,100
I'm not staying here
if no one's dead.
139
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:16,467
And brain-dead
doesn't count.
140
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:18,200
You're not
going anywhere.
141
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,067
Now look, I can't make
you two guys really like
each other,
142
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:22,801
but it's your
mom's birthday
143
00:06:22,801 --> 00:06:24,901
and I can damn sure
make you fake it for her.
144
00:06:24,901 --> 00:06:26,467
Oh, this is insane.
145
00:06:26,467 --> 00:06:28,000
Yeah, maybe so,
but get your coats on.
146
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,901
We have a little show
to put on for your mother.
147
00:06:29,901 --> 00:06:31,000
Fine.
148
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,234
Bitch.
Skag.
149
00:06:33,234 --> 00:06:35,334
Nice hair.
Nice life.
150
00:06:35,334 --> 00:06:37,367
Go to hell.
Go to the mall.
151
00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:40,801
We can rehearse more
in the car.
152
00:06:48,067 --> 00:06:49,767
I'm going out for about
an hour, Roseanne.
153
00:06:49,767 --> 00:06:51,868
Can I pick up anything?
154
00:06:51,868 --> 00:06:53,367
Yeah, uh...
155
00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:56,234
a hitch-hiker with an ax.
156
00:06:56,234 --> 00:06:58,267
I have been handling
all the tables all day.
157
00:06:58,267 --> 00:06:59,734
What have you been doing?
158
00:06:59,734 --> 00:07:02,601
Well, somebody has to sit here
and handle all the complaints
159
00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:05,100
about the slow service.
160
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:06,367
Hey, honey...
161
00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:09,367
look who came home
to celebrate your birthday.
162
00:07:09,367 --> 00:07:11,067
Oh, isn't that great?
163
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:14,000
How did you keep 'em
from fighting on the way over?
164
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,901
You used that old trick
where you put one
165
00:07:15,901 --> 00:07:19,067
in the front seat
and one in the trunk.
166
00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:22,300
Fighting? Oh, no,
not these two angels.
167
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,934
Watch this, honey.
168
00:07:23,934 --> 00:07:26,868
Becky, don't you have
something to say to Darlene?
169
00:07:26,868 --> 00:07:28,734
I love you.
170
00:07:28,734 --> 00:07:32,067
Darlene, don't you have
something say to Becky?
171
00:07:32,067 --> 00:07:34,067
I love you more.
172
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,467
That is so wonderful, Dan.
173
00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:41,434
You've gotten
our two daughters stoned.
174
00:07:41,434 --> 00:07:43,434
Nope, just sat 'em down
175
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:45,334
and gave 'em
a good talking-to.
176
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:46,834
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna hurry.
177
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,801
The Lobo's only open
for another seven hours.
178
00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:52,801
I'm not buying it, you guys.
179
00:07:52,801 --> 00:07:56,534
Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie
look more in love than you.
180
00:07:56,534 --> 00:07:58,567
Well, that's it.
181
00:07:58,567 --> 00:08:00,868
You can stop pretending
that you don't hate me.
182
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:03,834
Well, it's not that
I hate you, Becky.
183
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:06,434
I just hate
all vegetables.
184
00:08:06,434 --> 00:08:08,200
You're the vegetarian.
185
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,734
Eat me.
186
00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:13,167
Okay, so that's enough.
187
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,767
Now, we have a wonderful,
loving family,
188
00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:18,567
and you two little bitches
are not gonna ruin it.
189
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,634
You're gonna be
loving, caring sisters
190
00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:23,767
just like me and Jackie.
191
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,467
Fine.
192
00:08:25,467 --> 00:08:27,000
I'll sleep
with every guy in town
193
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,501
and you can gain
400 pounds.
194
00:08:32,234 --> 00:08:34,200
You know, Roseanne,
that reminds me.
195
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,033
Could you, um, tell D.J.
196
00:08:37,033 --> 00:08:39,667
to stop hanging around
my place so much?
197
00:08:39,667 --> 00:08:40,667
Why?
198
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:42,501
Well, the baby
could catch something.
199
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:44,868
D.J. must pick up
a lot of germs at school.
200
00:08:44,868 --> 00:08:48,667
Germs can't live on D.J.;
the lice eat 'em right up.
201
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,100
No, I'm serious.
202
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,868
Just tell him
not to come by.
203
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,767
What's going on, Jackie?
204
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,167
Nothing.
205
00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:58,400
[stuttering]
206
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,968
It's just D.J. sometimes
gets on my nerves.
207
00:09:00,968 --> 00:09:02,300
Yeah? So?
208
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:03,534
He gets on my nerves too.
209
00:09:03,534 --> 00:09:05,634
That's why I send him
over to your house.
210
00:09:05,634 --> 00:09:08,534
Well, he has been doing
some odd things lately
211
00:09:08,534 --> 00:09:11,934
and I would just like
if you kept him away.
212
00:09:11,934 --> 00:09:14,567
Yeah, could you keep him
away from me too?
213
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:16,734
Don't get me wrong.
I like D.J.
214
00:09:16,734 --> 00:09:19,167
I just like him more
when I'm not around him.
215
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,534
Hey, you like him
more than I do.
216
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:24,667
So, what? You don't like
your little nephew?
217
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:26,400
Just because you didn't
meet him in a bar
218
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,200
doesn't mean that
he's not a good guy.
219
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,200
What are you getting
so defensive about?
220
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,334
You did just call her son
a mentally defective freak.
221
00:09:34,334 --> 00:09:36,901
I said he was annoying.
222
00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:39,634
And now you're
harping on it.
223
00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:40,801
Don't worry about it,
Jackie.
224
00:09:40,801 --> 00:09:42,534
You won't ever
have to see D.J. again.
225
00:09:42,534 --> 00:09:43,934
Roseanne!
No!
226
00:09:43,934 --> 00:09:45,067
I'm not taking
the chance
227
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:47,067
that you could hurt
his feelings.
228
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:48,734
It's gonna be bad enough
when I tell him
229
00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:50,901
all the terrible things
you've said.
230
00:09:50,901 --> 00:09:52,934
Okay, fine.
Just--
231
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:55,467
I give up.
I never meant
to hurt D.J.
232
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:57,567
You think your kid's
so great.
233
00:09:57,567 --> 00:10:01,234
At least my kid doesn't
crap in his pants.
234
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:14,367
You know, Leon...
235
00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:17,100
uh, I'd be happy
to drop that off
at the bank for you
236
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,534
and, you know,
you can close up.
237
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,734
[snickers]
Right.
238
00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:22,734
That's just
what I should do,
239
00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:25,033
give Roseanne's daughter
all the money
240
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:26,467
to the restaurant.
241
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:28,801
And then later,
I'll ask your mother
242
00:10:28,801 --> 00:10:31,968
if she'll guard
my pork for me.
243
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,100
Hey, Darlene.
244
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,601
Hey.
245
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:42,167
Do you mind if I sit here?
246
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:43,434
I don't know.
247
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,367
It might be a little easier
for me to ignore you
248
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:46,801
if you stayed over there.
249
00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:50,434
Uh, listen, last time
you were home,
250
00:10:50,434 --> 00:10:53,033
I said some things
that were kind of harsh
251
00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:56,701
about how you and I
never connected.
252
00:10:56,701 --> 00:10:57,901
That's okay, David.
253
00:10:57,901 --> 00:11:00,601
I mean, I kind of
agreed with you.
254
00:11:00,601 --> 00:11:03,334
Oh, really?
255
00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:05,767
Well, still, I might have
gone a little overboard
256
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:09,033
when I called you
cold and mean.
257
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:10,067
Don't worry about it, David.
258
00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:11,834
Let's face it,
our relationship
259
00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:13,534
was a bit of a joke.
260
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:17,300
I don't know
if I would go that far.
261
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:19,234
It's not like
we ever really talked
262
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:21,300
or opened up or anything.
263
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:24,167
God knows the sex
was pretty pathetic, huh?
264
00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:28,701
I held back a lot
'cause I didn't want
265
00:11:28,701 --> 00:11:30,234
to intimidate you.
266
00:11:31,534 --> 00:11:34,367
God, when I think of how hot
the sex is with Jimmy,
267
00:11:34,367 --> 00:11:36,300
it really makes me laugh.
268
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:41,067
Gotta go.
269
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:44,234
I'll see you later, okay?
270
00:11:44,234 --> 00:11:46,300
Listen, Darlene,
I really am glad
271
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:49,267
that you've found somebody
that you can get close to.
272
00:11:59,601 --> 00:12:01,467
Oh, hey.
Hi.
273
00:12:01,467 --> 00:12:02,734
I thought you left already.
274
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:05,734
No, I just stayed
to cut some onions
275
00:12:05,734 --> 00:12:09,367
and I just started thinking
about all the people
276
00:12:09,367 --> 00:12:11,667
that don't have onions.
277
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:15,367
Oh, come on, Jackie,
Mom's gonna forgive you
278
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,033
for calling D.J. weird.
279
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:19,033
Hell, she forgave me
for writing
280
00:12:19,033 --> 00:12:20,300
"Please point at me
and scream"
281
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:23,767
in permanent Magic Marker
on his forehead.
282
00:12:23,767 --> 00:12:27,167
There's no way
you can help me.
283
00:12:27,167 --> 00:12:29,033
Yeah, that's right.
I can't help you.
284
00:12:29,033 --> 00:12:32,200
I'd be a terrible person
for anyone to confide in.
285
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,334
What?
286
00:12:33,334 --> 00:12:35,634
Well, I'm a cold
and unfeeling person
287
00:12:35,634 --> 00:12:37,033
who can't get close
to anybody.
288
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:39,334
Darlene, that's not
what I'm saying.
289
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:41,234
Oh, yeah, right.
Darlene, what--
290
00:12:41,234 --> 00:12:44,000
What to you mean you can't
get close to anybody?
291
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,400
You've been seeing Jimmy
for months.
292
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:47,701
Yeah, we broke up.
293
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:48,701
Oh.
294
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:51,033
Yeah, I lied.
295
00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:53,000
He dumped me.
296
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,167
Apparently, he couldn't
get close to me either.
297
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:58,968
Well...
298
00:12:58,968 --> 00:13:01,334
did you ever have a dog?
299
00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:05,167
Yeah, thanks, Aunt Jackie.
300
00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:08,234
Darlene, I was crying
because I lied
301
00:13:08,234 --> 00:13:10,000
to your mother about D.J.
302
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,200
What?
Yes.
303
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,501
'Cause I do like D.J.
[sobs]
304
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,868
Yeah, I mean,
that would upset me too.
305
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:25,033
It's Fred who thinks
that D.J. is weird.
306
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:29,334
Wait, so then
why are you taking
the blame for Fred?
307
00:13:29,334 --> 00:13:32,467
Because Fred
and your mother
both want to be
308
00:13:32,467 --> 00:13:34,133
the most important
person in my life.
309
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:36,033
If your mother knew
that Fred wanted this,
310
00:13:36,033 --> 00:13:39,334
then she would want me
to choose her over him.
311
00:13:39,334 --> 00:13:41,033
Oh.
And now she hates me.
312
00:13:41,033 --> 00:13:45,000
And I hate it
when she hates me.
313
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,801
Uh, sorry.
314
00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:49,534
So...
315
00:13:49,534 --> 00:13:53,000
do you feel better
that I confided in you?
316
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,767
Yeah, I do.
317
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,400
[sniveling]
318
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,601
'Cause I feel better too.
319
00:13:58,601 --> 00:14:00,033
[sobbing]
320
00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:04,534
Uh, would you stop
if I gave you a hug?
321
00:14:04,534 --> 00:14:06,834
I--
[whimpers]
322
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:21,367
See, you're--you're
very good at this.
323
00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:31,901
I'm sorry, I know.
I'd better hurry up.
324
00:14:31,901 --> 00:14:34,100
Dinner out
with Jackie and Fred.
325
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,767
Where's my fancy
eatin'-pants.
326
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:39,133
No, we're not going
to go out with those two.
327
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:40,734
I just had a big fight
with Jackie
328
00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:41,934
about D.J. being weird.
329
00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:45,334
Which side did you take?
330
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:46,901
Which side do you think?
331
00:14:46,901 --> 00:14:49,801
You said he wasn't?
332
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:52,334
D.J. is not weird, Dan.
333
00:14:52,334 --> 00:14:54,434
He's just marching
to the beat
334
00:14:54,434 --> 00:14:56,534
of a weird drummer.
335
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,000
She thinks that he's so weird
that she doesn't even want him
336
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,167
around her house anymore.
337
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:05,200
My God, this is serious,
Roseanne.
338
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,367
We gotta do something.
339
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:11,200
I know, he won't go around
her house anymore.
340
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,434
[sighs]
D.J., come down here!
341
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,968
Well, fine, then you sit
your teenage son down here
342
00:15:15,968 --> 00:15:17,267
and you tell him
that his aunt
343
00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:18,767
just doesn't want him
around anymore.
344
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,801
And while you're at it,
why don't you just tell him
345
00:15:20,801 --> 00:15:23,934
that there's no such thing
as Santa Claus.
346
00:15:23,934 --> 00:15:24,934
Yeah?
347
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:27,367
Sit down, son.
348
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,834
Listen, Deej...
349
00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:33,534
we think you should
spend more time here
350
00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:34,767
and less at Jackie's.
351
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,934
How come?
352
00:15:36,934 --> 00:15:40,200
Well, because
your Aunt Jackie's
been real busy lately
353
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:44,334
cooking, cleaning,
and hating the innocent.
354
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,334
Doesn't Aunt Jackie
want me to come over?
355
00:15:46,334 --> 00:15:48,334
Oh, well...
356
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:51,968
sometimes grown-ups,
like your Aunt Jackie--
357
00:15:54,901 --> 00:15:58,167
We just miss you
around here!
358
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:00,834
What do you want to go
over there for anyway?
359
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:03,534
Well, I have to go
over there.
360
00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:05,200
Why?
361
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,400
Well, you see,
Becky and Darlene
are sisters,
362
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,968
and Mom and Aunt Jackie
are sisters,
363
00:16:10,968 --> 00:16:12,734
and Mark and David
are brothers,
364
00:16:12,734 --> 00:16:16,000
and Mom's new baby
is gonna be a girl,
365
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,234
so I'm the only one
who can be Andy's brother.
366
00:16:18,234 --> 00:16:19,400
He needs me.
367
00:16:20,701 --> 00:16:22,601
Oh.
368
00:16:22,601 --> 00:16:25,400
Well, go on,
big guy,
369
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,367
why don't you just take
Tiny Tim's crutch
370
00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:29,634
and beat him
over the head with it?
371
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:32,601
No, I'm gonna go find
the other kids
372
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:36,167
and tell 'em
D.J.'s my favorite.
373
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:38,567
Doesn't Aunt Jackie
like me anymore?
374
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:42,000
Yeah, of course
she likes you;
she likes you a lot.
375
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,834
In fact, she's worried
that Andy might even
376
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:46,300
get jealous about it.
377
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,601
So next time you're there
playing with Andy,
378
00:16:48,601 --> 00:16:51,834
if Aunt Jackie tells you that
you're hanging around too much,
379
00:16:51,834 --> 00:16:53,701
just play along with it.
380
00:16:53,701 --> 00:16:56,767
You know,
tell her to shut up
and then wink at her.
381
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:58,667
Okay.
382
00:17:00,133 --> 00:17:01,400
Mom, you shouldn't
have told D.J.
383
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,567
he could play
with Andy.
384
00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:04,200
Well, Jackie's just
being a big idiot.
385
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,767
Andy's not gonna get hurt.
386
00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:08,267
D.J.'s way past
the "let's cut it open
387
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:11,234
and see how it works" phase.
388
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:13,934
Well, it's not
Aunt Jackie's fault.
389
00:17:13,934 --> 00:17:15,267
She doesn't mind D.J.
390
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,501
What are you talking about?
391
00:17:16,501 --> 00:17:18,834
Well, Jackie told me
that it's Fred
392
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:20,167
that doesn't want
D.J. around.
393
00:17:20,167 --> 00:17:22,534
She's just going
along with him.
394
00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:24,300
She is dead.
395
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,000
So what, you're gonna
go over there
396
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,400
and yell at her for taking
Fred's side over yours?
397
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,801
No, I'm gonna
yell at her
for lying to me.
398
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:31,801
Bull.
399
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,234
For the first time
in her life,
400
00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:34,634
Jackie's putting Fred
before you
401
00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:35,801
and you can't stand that.
402
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:37,267
You think she should
always put you
403
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:38,667
before her own husband.
404
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:39,934
I do not.
405
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:42,334
I wouldn't even think
anything like that.
406
00:17:42,334 --> 00:17:43,667
Actually, Mom,
Darlene's right.
407
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:46,834
I mean, you always want me
to put you in front of Mark.
408
00:17:46,834 --> 00:17:48,300
That is not true.
409
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:52,534
What I said was, we should
put Mark in front of a bus.
410
00:17:53,868 --> 00:17:56,400
Mark getting hit by a bus?
411
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,367
Doesn't she have
any feelings?
412
00:17:58,367 --> 00:18:00,100
Doesn't she realize
how many people
413
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:01,868
would be late for work?
414
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:05,400
Fine, Darlene.
415
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,234
I'm sorry I tried to help you.
416
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:10,267
Wait.
417
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:14,000
Um...
418
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,968
Never mind.
Keep going.
419
00:18:15,968 --> 00:18:17,868
Wait.
420
00:18:17,868 --> 00:18:19,567
[stuttering]
Uh, I--
421
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:22,767
I just wanna say...
422
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,968
Never mind.
423
00:18:24,968 --> 00:18:27,033
Wait.
424
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,234
You're welcome.
425
00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:33,334
Thank you.
426
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:43,634
What are you doing here?
427
00:18:43,634 --> 00:18:46,234
Oh, well, there's--
428
00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:49,634
there's this question
that's been bothering me.
429
00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:53,033
Okay, if me and Fred
were in a terrible accident
430
00:18:53,033 --> 00:18:54,734
and we both needed
a kidney,
431
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,434
and you had
the kidney to give,
432
00:18:57,434 --> 00:19:00,767
where would you want
Fred buried?
433
00:19:00,767 --> 00:19:02,734
Did Darlene talk to you?
434
00:19:02,734 --> 00:19:04,300
Yes.
435
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:05,934
I can't believe
that you really think
436
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:07,834
that I would expect to be
more important to you
437
00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:09,534
than your own husband;
I'd never do that.
438
00:19:09,534 --> 00:19:13,667
Roseanne, you wanted to stand
between us at the altar.
439
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:16,567
That was a joke!
440
00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:18,667
I know you have to put
your husband before me.
441
00:19:18,667 --> 00:19:20,367
I don't like it,
but I accept it.
442
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,534
All right, thanks.
443
00:19:22,534 --> 00:19:24,734
[groaning]
444
00:19:24,734 --> 00:19:26,634
All right, come on.
We're all right.
445
00:19:26,634 --> 00:19:27,634
Cheer up.
446
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,501
Hey, hey,
Mom's got a mole
447
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,467
that changed colors
twice this week.
448
00:19:32,467 --> 00:19:35,567
It's not us
that I'm worried about.
449
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:37,801
I'm worried
about me and Fred.
450
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,567
Why? What do you mean?
451
00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:42,467
Whenever I have to choose
between you and Fred,
452
00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:46,000
I always wanna
choose you.
453
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:49,534
That's terrible.
454
00:19:49,534 --> 00:19:51,901
It is terrible, Roseanne.
455
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:54,300
Fred thinks that I always
put you before him
and he's right.
456
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,501
What does that say
about my marriage?
457
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:58,400
I know you always
put Dan first.
458
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,667
That's not true, Jackie.
I'm just as bad as you.
459
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,868
I put me first, too.
460
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:06,133
I'm in big trouble,
Roseanne.
461
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:08,067
Fred thinks that he should be
the most important person
462
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:10,834
in the world to me and,
until I can give him that,
463
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,467
things aren't going
to be okay between us.
464
00:20:12,467 --> 00:20:13,934
[door opens]
465
00:20:13,934 --> 00:20:15,634
Hey, Roseanne.
466
00:20:15,634 --> 00:20:17,133
You're parked in my spot.
467
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,000
Hi, Fred.
468
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,634
I suppose you want me
to move it for him.
469
00:20:21,634 --> 00:20:23,634
Right, Jackie?
What?
470
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:25,734
Of course I'll move
my car for him.
471
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:28,067
And I'll keep my kid
out of here for him.
472
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,334
Anything else I can do
for him, Jackie?
473
00:20:30,334 --> 00:20:33,968
Well, Roseanne,
I have to put him first.
474
00:20:33,968 --> 00:20:35,601
He is my husband.
475
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,000
But Jackie--
No, no.
476
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,868
I took vows.
477
00:20:40,601 --> 00:20:42,167
Thanks, Jackie.
478
00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:46,601
Roseanne, I'm sorry,
but this was bound to happen.
479
00:20:46,601 --> 00:20:49,567
I know.
480
00:20:49,567 --> 00:20:51,000
But you've gotta
understand, Fred,
481
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,567
she's not just my sister,
she's my best friend.
482
00:20:54,567 --> 00:20:57,133
This hurts.
483
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:58,234
Oh, gee...
484
00:20:58,234 --> 00:21:00,567
Man, I didn't
wanna hurt you.
485
00:21:00,567 --> 00:21:03,300
That's okay, Fred.
486
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:04,767
I still have my work.
487
00:21:06,467 --> 00:21:09,567
Well, wait a minute.
You know...
488
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:12,033
Jackie, maybe D.J.
can come over.
489
00:21:12,033 --> 00:21:13,267
No, no, Fred.
490
00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:15,000
You don't want him,
end of story.
491
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,901
No, no, no, no.
He's a good kid.
492
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:19,534
He can come over
every once in a while.
493
00:21:19,534 --> 00:21:21,534
Thank you, Fred.
494
00:21:21,534 --> 00:21:23,000
Four or five times
a week, tops.
495
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,200
I promise.
496
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,901
Heh, great.
497
00:21:26,901 --> 00:21:28,734
Hey, why don't we go out
to dinner like we planned?
498
00:21:28,734 --> 00:21:31,300
No, Roseanne, Fred
really doesn't want to.
499
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,367
Well, okay.
500
00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:38,734
I guess I'll just go home
and spend some quality time
501
00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:40,434
with my husband...
502
00:21:40,434 --> 00:21:44,100
though I'm not sure
our marriage can take it.
503
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:45,467
Oh, wait a minute.
No, no.
504
00:21:45,467 --> 00:21:47,434
It's not that I didn't wanna
go out with you and Dan,
505
00:21:47,434 --> 00:21:49,534
it's just that
I didn't wanna go out.
506
00:21:49,534 --> 00:21:51,300
Well, maybe we could
just eat here.
507
00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:52,534
If that's okay
with you, Fred.
508
00:21:54,367 --> 00:21:56,133
Okay.
509
00:21:56,133 --> 00:21:58,501
Great. I'll tell you what,
why don't you give Dan a call
510
00:21:58,501 --> 00:21:59,901
and tell him
to bring D.J. too.
511
00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:07,200
Wow.
512
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:19,367
Hey, how you doing?
513
00:22:19,367 --> 00:22:21,300
I'm D.J.
What's your name?
514
00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:22,667
[scoffs]
515
00:22:22,667 --> 00:22:25,767
Well, I know I may not
look like much now,
516
00:22:25,767 --> 00:22:30,100
but in a few years,
I'm gonna look like this.
517
00:22:31,868 --> 00:22:33,601
Hi, D.J.
518
00:22:33,601 --> 00:22:35,234
I'm Jennifer.
519
00:22:35,234 --> 00:22:38,000
Cardboard, it does
a body good.
520
00:22:39,701 --> 00:22:42,634
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
36634
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