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1
00:00:04,567 --> 00:00:06,734
Hey, Beck.
Hey, Dad.
2
00:00:06,734 --> 00:00:09,300
When you were walking
around the house this morning,
3
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:12,934
in and out of various rooms,
you know, observing things,
4
00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:16,000
you didn't happen to see
my pants, did you?
5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,300
You lost your pants?
6
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:18,901
Not all of 'em.
7
00:00:18,901 --> 00:00:20,467
For your information,
little girl,
8
00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:23,100
I have a very important meeting
with my supervisor today,
9
00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:25,667
so I need my Dockers.
10
00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:28,100
I don't know
where they are.
11
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:29,100
Ask Mom.
12
00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:30,934
I can't ask your mother.
13
00:00:30,934 --> 00:00:32,234
The doctor said
she needed a week
14
00:00:32,234 --> 00:00:33,667
of total
stress-free bedrest
15
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,767
and you know
how she hates it
when I lose my pants.
16
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,968
Then wear
your regular pants.
17
00:00:38,968 --> 00:00:40,968
Dad--
Just a minute, D.J.
18
00:00:40,968 --> 00:00:43,400
These are executives, Becky.
19
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,267
I can't just waltz in there
with my regular pants.
20
00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:48,467
We'll never get that
new vending machine.
21
00:00:48,467 --> 00:00:49,567
So?
22
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:51,801
So, what am I supposed
to tell my men?
23
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:53,634
That I was kidding about
the frozen snack treats?
24
00:00:53,634 --> 00:00:56,434
I'd have a riot on my hands.
25
00:00:56,434 --> 00:00:58,734
I gotta talk to Mom about
something for school.
26
00:00:58,734 --> 00:01:01,033
Whoa! Don't bother
your mother.
27
00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:04,167
I will tell you
everything you need
to know about school.
28
00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:07,067
You have to stay
until you're 16,
now scoot.
29
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,234
Well, I need something
for a bake sale
30
00:01:10,234 --> 00:01:12,667
and I told everybody she makes
the best cookies in town.
31
00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:14,300
I'm sorry, D.J.,
but your mother's
32
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:15,834
just too sick
to drive to the bakery.
33
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:17,868
But I promised!
34
00:01:17,868 --> 00:01:18,868
D.J.!
35
00:01:18,868 --> 00:01:20,234
[Roseanne]You okay out there?
36
00:01:20,234 --> 00:01:22,734
Never felt younger
or more refreshed.
37
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,100
Let's see.
38
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:27,367
Okay, we got frosting
and half a meatloaf.
39
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,901
I'd get real scarce
after they sell that.
40
00:01:29,901 --> 00:01:31,534
[Jackie]
Dan? Dan?
41
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:33,000
How's Roseanne doing?
Oh, she's resting.
42
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,834
Listen, you didn't happen
to see a pair of pants
43
00:01:34,834 --> 00:01:36,767
on the front lawn
when you pulled up
this morning?
44
00:01:36,767 --> 00:01:38,834
Things a little
hectic, huh?
Are you kidding?
45
00:01:38,834 --> 00:01:40,634
The kids have school,
they want breakfast,
46
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:41,767
people have to go to work.
47
00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:44,501
I'll tell you one thing:
she sure picked
48
00:01:44,501 --> 00:01:46,200
one heck of a day
to get sick.
49
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,434
Yeah, I hear you.
50
00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:49,767
Listen, could you
do me a favor?
51
00:01:51,234 --> 00:01:53,000
I don't know,
does it involve
strangling you?
52
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,834
'Cause I'll make
time for that.
53
00:01:54,834 --> 00:01:57,801
Well, I wouldn't ask,
but Fred and I
54
00:01:57,801 --> 00:01:59,067
need a babysitter
for Tuesday night,
55
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:00,801
so we were hoping that
maybe you guys could--
56
00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:03,734
Never mind.
57
00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:06,033
No, no.
Please finish.
58
00:02:06,033 --> 00:02:09,767
That we could, what?
Recommend somebody?
59
00:02:09,767 --> 00:02:11,734
Sure, who was the guy
the Lindberghs used?
60
00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:13,701
No.
61
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,701
I'll get somebody else
to babysit.
62
00:02:15,701 --> 00:02:17,334
Someone who loves children.
63
00:02:17,334 --> 00:02:19,968
Get out of my way, D.J.!
64
00:02:21,133 --> 00:02:23,033
I need the car
just as much
as you do, Mark.
65
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:24,100
Why should you get it?
66
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,968
I'll give you
five good reasons.
67
00:02:25,968 --> 00:02:29,834
One, two, three,
four, five.
68
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:32,334
What are you gonna
do with that?
69
00:02:32,334 --> 00:02:33,934
Wave at me?
70
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:37,868
Ow, ow!
71
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:40,567
Come on,
you're wearing a ring.
72
00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:41,934
Mr. Conner, will you
please tell Mark
73
00:02:41,934 --> 00:02:44,033
that he can't
just have the car
whenever he wants it?
74
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,400
There's gotta
be a fair way
to settle this.
75
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,367
I don't know what it is,
so I suggest a slap fight.
76
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:52,968
Fine, you wanna
make this ugly?
77
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:53,968
I'm getting Mrs. Conner.
78
00:02:53,968 --> 00:02:57,601
No. Everybody stop!
79
00:02:57,601 --> 00:02:59,734
Okay, the doctor said
Mrs. Conner is sick
80
00:02:59,734 --> 00:03:01,734
and has to stay in bed
for the next week.
81
00:03:01,734 --> 00:03:02,767
Okay?
82
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:04,400
That means
for the next seven days,
83
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,601
under no circumstance
is any stress allowed
in that bedroom.
84
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,934
Therefore,
you will all grow up
85
00:03:09,934 --> 00:03:11,667
and take care
of yourselves around here!
86
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:13,601
You will cook
for yourselves,
87
00:03:13,601 --> 00:03:14,834
you clean up
after yourselves,
88
00:03:14,834 --> 00:03:16,167
and you think
for yourselves!
89
00:03:16,167 --> 00:03:17,200
Got it?
90
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:18,200
[all]
Yes.
91
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,200
Okay, now everybody
spread out
92
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,267
and find my pants.
93
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:08,400
[laughing]
94
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:17,467
Mom, you'rehere...
95
00:04:17,467 --> 00:04:18,467
Yeah.
...instead of Fred.
96
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:19,601
Hi, hi!
97
00:04:19,601 --> 00:04:22,133
It's just that I assumed
that because Fred
98
00:04:22,133 --> 00:04:23,501
was babysitting
when I left
99
00:04:23,501 --> 00:04:25,634
that that when I returned,
he would still be here,
100
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:28,701
but, no, it's my mother.
101
00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:29,701
How nice.
102
00:04:29,701 --> 00:04:31,868
Oh, it's no trouble really.
103
00:04:31,868 --> 00:04:33,300
Fred had to get
some more diapers
104
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:35,167
and I was here
to see Andy anyway.
105
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:36,834
You shouldn't have to come
all the way over here
106
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:37,868
to see your grandson.
107
00:04:37,868 --> 00:04:41,133
What, did you lose
the picture we gave you?
108
00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:43,601
Hey, honey.
Hey, Bev.
109
00:04:43,601 --> 00:04:45,534
Okay, Andy,
I got the diapers.
110
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:47,834
Let her rip!
111
00:04:47,834 --> 00:04:50,501
Speaking of little accidents,
when I babysit,
112
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,601
I'll need a list
of emergency numbers.
113
00:04:52,601 --> 00:04:54,267
I checked next
to the phone
114
00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:56,534
and I see that
in case of fire,
115
00:04:56,534 --> 00:05:01,267
there are over 20
Chinese restaurants
I can call.
116
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:02,901
Did you say "babysit"?
117
00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:04,434
Hey, honey, good news.
118
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,968
You know how we
talked about going out
on a date once a week?
119
00:05:06,968 --> 00:05:09,901
Well, Bev's offered
to babysit on Tuesday nights.
120
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,400
Well, that's great.
That's great.
121
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,334
Is--But, uh, see,
there's trouble.
122
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:23,567
'Cause, uh...
123
00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:27,801
I just gave the job
to this lady I met.
124
00:05:27,801 --> 00:05:29,100
What lady?
125
00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:31,968
What lady?
The, uh--
126
00:05:31,968 --> 00:05:34,634
The--pffft.
127
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,834
Wrote the name down,
but I--I left it.
128
00:05:39,834 --> 00:05:42,701
You wanna leave our baby
with somebody whose name
129
00:05:42,701 --> 00:05:44,000
you don't even know?
130
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,567
Fred, like she's not gonna
introduce herself.
131
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:49,300
Why don't you call her
and tell her
132
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:51,868
we'd rather have
Andy's grandmother?
133
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:54,667
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Uh...
134
00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:56,868
Well, there's trouble there
135
00:05:56,868 --> 00:05:59,834
'cause, uh--
'cause she's deaf
136
00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:01,667
and she won't hear
the phone ring.
137
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:04,267
I don't think
that's really somebody
138
00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:05,767
you want watching the child.
139
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:09,267
She has eyes, Mother.
140
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:11,434
Bev, would you mind
putting Andy down?
141
00:06:11,434 --> 00:06:13,868
Ooh, I'd love it.
142
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:16,400
I'll find some of his
cleaner stuffed animals
143
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,534
to put in the crib with him.
144
00:06:18,534 --> 00:06:20,868
Come on.
Come on.
145
00:06:20,868 --> 00:06:23,634
Thanks, Mom.
146
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:26,934
[whispers]
Don't you dare
call her "Mom".
147
00:06:26,934 --> 00:06:31,033
You may call her
"Bev" or "Sea Hag."
148
00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:36,868
What is bugging you?
Have you lost your mind?
149
00:06:36,868 --> 00:06:40,367
I don't want
that old woman
around the baby.
150
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,968
You're being ridiculous.
151
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:45,067
Bev gets along
with him great
and he loves her!
152
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:49,100
What does he know?
He loves my house keys.
153
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,334
Come on, Jackie.
154
00:06:50,334 --> 00:06:52,300
You've gotta admit
whenever she comes over,
155
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:54,133
his face just lights up.
156
00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:59,968
He is laughing at her.
I taught him that.
157
00:06:59,968 --> 00:07:01,701
He looks like an angel.
158
00:07:01,701 --> 00:07:04,801
Oh, Jackie, I've rearranged
the changing table
159
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:06,434
so it makes sense.
160
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,667
Look, when she's
babysitting,
161
00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:11,934
you won't have to
be around her.
162
00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:13,567
Come on, Jackie,
you owe it to the kid
163
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,601
to try to make things up
with his grandmother.
All right, fine.
164
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,400
It's just that none of this
would've happened
165
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,601
if you hated her
like a normal person.
166
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,234
Well, time for me
to hit the hay.
167
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,334
It's my turn to take care
of Andy in the morning.
168
00:07:25,334 --> 00:07:26,734
Oh, how nice.
169
00:07:26,734 --> 00:07:28,601
You have a husband
who lets you sleep in
170
00:07:28,601 --> 00:07:31,834
while he does
your work for you.
171
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,634
Mom, about Tuesday nights--
172
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:35,167
Oh, my pleasure.
173
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:37,534
I can see as long
as I have a dustrag,
174
00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:38,868
I'll never be bored.
175
00:07:38,868 --> 00:07:41,834
Well, the job is yours
if you could just do me
176
00:07:41,834 --> 00:07:43,267
one little favor.
177
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:44,667
What, dear?
Not a big favor.
178
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:46,734
It's just, uh, something
I've always wanted you to do
179
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:47,834
and it'd make me
feel better
180
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:49,734
about you spending time
with Andy.
181
00:07:49,734 --> 00:07:51,934
Well, of course.
What is it?
182
00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:53,501
Um, say that
every single thing
183
00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:56,267
you ever did
in my life was wrong.
184
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,501
What?
185
00:07:57,501 --> 00:07:59,934
Every decision you made,
everything you said,
186
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:03,467
every look you gave,
wrong, wrong, wrong.
187
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:04,767
What are you
talking about?
188
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,400
I'm talking about
the way you raised me.
189
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,767
Well, I don't believe
it was wrong.
190
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:11,601
You don't have to
believe it.
191
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,901
You just have to say it.
192
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:15,734
You've lost your mind.
193
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:18,167
Not allowed to write it.
194
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:20,868
And you can't sing it.
195
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,100
You must say it
loud and clear.
196
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:26,901
"Everything I did was wrong!"
197
00:08:26,901 --> 00:08:29,467
I most certainly will not.
198
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,067
Well, then you can't
babysit your grandson.
199
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:34,901
But...that's just wrong!
200
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:38,767
Oh...that was close.
Not close enough.
201
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:40,934
Well!
202
00:08:47,634 --> 00:08:49,601
Oh, man,
this is so great, Dan.
203
00:08:49,601 --> 00:08:52,167
Look at me:
I'm laying in bed,
reading the Inquirer,
204
00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:54,334
eating this Cheese Whiz
right out of the bottle
205
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:57,634
just like the queen
of England.
206
00:08:57,634 --> 00:09:00,200
Not quite, honey.
207
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,367
The queen of England can't get
The Dukes of Hazzard.
208
00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:04,534
Happy now?
209
00:09:04,534 --> 00:09:07,701
My foot's kinda blocking
my view here.
210
00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:08,868
Mark.
211
00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:16,901
That leg gets crossed again,
honey, just give us a call.
212
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:22,434
I just wanted to tell you
that I finished
213
00:09:22,434 --> 00:09:23,534
working your shift
at the diner.
214
00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:25,234
Oh, great.
How were the tips?
215
00:09:25,234 --> 00:09:26,634
Pretty good.
216
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:30,501
Great. Well, just leave 'em
up there on the dresser.
217
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:38,634
Mrs. Conner, there's
kind of been something
218
00:09:38,634 --> 00:09:41,133
that's bothering me.
219
00:09:41,133 --> 00:09:43,234
Your doctor called
the diner today
220
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:44,467
because he needed
to reschedule
221
00:09:44,467 --> 00:09:45,634
your next appointment.
222
00:09:45,634 --> 00:09:46,701
Yeah?
223
00:09:46,701 --> 00:09:49,667
Well, I hate myself
for even thinking this,
224
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:51,767
but why would he
call you at the diner
225
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,167
if he ordered you
to stay in bed?
226
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:58,767
All right, I'll split
the tips with you.
227
00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:00,334
Oh!
228
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:01,734
You're faking
this whole thing?
229
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,000
Mrs. Conner.
230
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,100
I know it's not my place,
but what you're doing
231
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:07,567
is more than
just wrong, it's--
232
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:10,567
Oh, it's really wrong.
233
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:12,133
No, it isn't.
234
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,000
I'm pregnant,
I don't feel good,
and I'm tired.
235
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,033
And this is the only way
I could get a break.
236
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:17,400
I understand.
237
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,367
I just don't know
if I can go along with it.
238
00:10:20,901 --> 00:10:22,267
What's your favorite dinner?
239
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,534
I don't know,
roast beef,
240
00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:27,133
mashed potatoes,
I guess, but--
241
00:10:27,133 --> 00:10:28,634
Becky!
242
00:10:28,634 --> 00:10:30,367
I want you to make me
roast beef
243
00:10:30,367 --> 00:10:33,300
and mashed potatoes
for dinner tonight!
244
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,467
[Becky]
No fair.
245
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,634
It's David's turn to cook.
246
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:39,534
Well, David doesn't
have to cook anymore.
247
00:10:39,534 --> 00:10:42,067
He's, uh, above you now.
248
00:10:44,267 --> 00:10:45,834
Fine.
249
00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:49,968
Oh, God,
now I'm a part of this.
250
00:10:49,968 --> 00:10:51,667
Yeah, it's great.
Isn't it, David?
251
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:54,300
And this is just
the beginning.
252
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:56,467
Go get me that
family portrait
over there.
253
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:57,534
Why?
254
00:10:57,534 --> 00:10:59,000
Because.
255
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,400
I want you to close your eyes
and point out a family member.
256
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,000
And whoever you point out,
I'm gonna make them bathe me.
257
00:11:13,133 --> 00:11:14,567
[Roseanne]Dan, I'm bored!
258
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,701
How much longerdo I have to stay in bed?
259
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:19,467
Well, you told me
the doc said a week.
260
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:20,934
How many dayshas it been?
261
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,934
Just the one.
262
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,067
Hi.
Hey.
263
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:29,968
Is dandruff shampoo
bad for dishes?
264
00:11:29,968 --> 00:11:31,400
Are they already in there?
265
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,734
Uh-huh.
No, it's fine.
266
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:35,934
How's she doing?
267
00:11:35,934 --> 00:11:37,267
She's starting to get
a little bored.
268
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:39,334
She's been counting
the cracks in the ceiling.
269
00:11:39,334 --> 00:11:40,400
Of course,
there weren't any
270
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,467
till she got a hold
of my nail gun.
271
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:44,000
I gotta talk to her
about a problem.
272
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,334
No, no, no.
273
00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:47,834
The doctor said no stress,
and no stress it is.
274
00:11:47,834 --> 00:11:49,501
Oh. Okay.
275
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:50,968
Well, then...
276
00:11:50,968 --> 00:11:53,501
I guess I'll just
handle it myself.
277
00:11:53,501 --> 00:11:56,667
I'm an adult.
That's good, Jackie.
278
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:01,968
It's really important, Dan.
279
00:12:01,968 --> 00:12:03,234
I need to talk to somebody.
280
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,200
This isn't
a sex problem, is it?
281
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,834
No, No.
282
00:12:07,834 --> 00:12:10,634
No, I need someone
who hates Mom.
283
00:12:10,634 --> 00:12:13,200
I'm listening.
Okay.
284
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:17,834
So, Mom volunteered
to babysit, for free,
285
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,501
every Tuesday night
and Fred is pushing me
286
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:20,501
to let her do it.
287
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:22,234
Yeah? So?
288
00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:23,801
So?
289
00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:26,033
So I'm not going
to trust her with Andy.
290
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:28,567
She shouldn't be left alone
in a room with any baby.
291
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:30,100
Why not?
292
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,367
Roseanne always liked
having her babysit.
293
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:34,133
Bev was great with our kids.
294
00:12:34,133 --> 00:12:36,534
Man, she could take a punch.
295
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:40,601
No, Dan, you don't
understand.
296
00:12:40,601 --> 00:12:43,033
Roseanne would never approve
of Mom babysitting.
297
00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:44,901
Roseanne hates our mother.
298
00:12:44,901 --> 00:12:46,534
Of course she does!
299
00:12:46,534 --> 00:12:48,100
Roseanne hates
vegetables too,
300
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,801
but she doesn't keep
our family from corn.
301
00:12:50,801 --> 00:12:52,634
You're on Mom's side.
302
00:12:52,634 --> 00:12:54,934
No, I'm on you
and Fred's side.
303
00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:58,234
You leave the kid with Bev,
you two get a night out,
304
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:00,400
and all the dishes
in the cabinet get rewashed.
305
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:05,133
Good God, Dan,
you're talking about Mom!
306
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:06,701
I know!
307
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:08,000
What do you think's
gonna happen?
308
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,334
She's gonna forget
to change him,
309
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:10,667
forget to feed him?
310
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,300
Give him to the paperboy
instead of a tip?
311
00:13:14,467 --> 00:13:17,100
You really think your mother
would harm your child at all?
312
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,100
Well...
313
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,634
last time I went out...
314
00:13:23,634 --> 00:13:25,968
when I came back...
315
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:30,067
you didn't see the hat
she put on his head.
316
00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:33,334
Come on, Jackie,
you're being ridiculous.
317
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:34,734
You're not worried
about Andy.
318
00:13:34,734 --> 00:13:35,968
You're doing this
to punish Bev.
319
00:13:35,968 --> 00:13:37,968
So? You're just
doing this...
320
00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:39,133
to be wrong.
321
00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:42,767
Mom is a horrible woman.
322
00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:44,767
You and Roseanne
may let her near your kids,
323
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:46,033
but I love my child.
324
00:13:47,234 --> 00:13:48,267
Yeah, right.
325
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:49,634
If you'd read
the instructions
326
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:52,501
on a pack of condoms,
you wouldn't have a child.
327
00:13:55,033 --> 00:13:56,534
Hey.
328
00:13:56,534 --> 00:13:59,334
Hey, do you know the name
of Mrs. Conner's gynecologist?
329
00:13:59,334 --> 00:14:03,434
Yeah. I mean, no.
I mean, why?
330
00:14:03,434 --> 00:14:05,100
I wanna call 'em
to find out
331
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:06,100
what's going on.
332
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,601
Mrs. Conner
doesn't tell me much
333
00:14:07,601 --> 00:14:09,701
and I'm afraid it's worse
than she's letting on.
334
00:14:09,701 --> 00:14:11,334
Oh, here it is.
Uh, you know what?
335
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,133
I'll call
the gynecologist
for you.
336
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:15,567
I had to call him yesterday
for Mrs. Conner for something
337
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:17,367
and I kind of have
a relationship
338
00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:18,567
with her gynecologist.
339
00:14:20,534 --> 00:14:22,033
That's interesting, David.
340
00:14:30,634 --> 00:14:31,801
Hello, doctor?
341
00:14:31,801 --> 00:14:33,567
It's David.
342
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,667
Listen, we were just wondering
if Mrs. Conner's condition
343
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:41,367
is any worse than she says.
344
00:14:41,367 --> 00:14:43,267
No, uh-huh.
345
00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:45,467
Yeah, it's exactly
the same as she says.
346
00:14:47,033 --> 00:14:48,234
Okay, then.
Thanks, doctor.
347
00:14:48,234 --> 00:14:49,801
Wait a minute, David.
348
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,934
Ask the doctor what
the condition's called.
349
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:58,067
Uh, Mr. Conner wants to know
what this disease is called.
350
00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:00,400
Oh.
351
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,767
Mono-cly-nosis--
352
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:04,334
David, hang up the phone.
353
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:08,000
Goodbye, doctor.
354
00:15:12,734 --> 00:15:14,300
That wasn't the doctor,
was it, David?
355
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:19,767
No, sir.
356
00:15:19,767 --> 00:15:23,100
And Mrs. Conner
is faking it, isn't she?
357
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,133
Yes, sir.
358
00:15:24,133 --> 00:15:27,667
I can't believe
she did this!
359
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:29,634
I had to sleep
on the couch.
360
00:15:29,634 --> 00:15:31,501
I had to move
the TV in there.
361
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:35,100
I had to sleep
on the couch without TV!
362
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,434
Come on, she's not
totally wrong.
363
00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:40,567
I mean, you did tell her
to take it a little easy
364
00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:41,934
and a lot of people
might think that
365
00:15:41,934 --> 00:15:44,000
that meant to spend
a week in bed.
366
00:15:47,634 --> 00:15:50,767
Well, then...
367
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:53,567
in a way, I guess this
worked out for the best.
368
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:55,834
You're not mad?
369
00:15:55,834 --> 00:15:57,667
Mad? No.
370
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,868
But this is our
little secret, okay?
371
00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:01,934
[Roseanne]Dan, I can'tstand this anymore!
372
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:03,734
I'm gonna gofor a little walk!
373
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:05,267
Get my shoes, will you?
374
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:06,601
No, no, no, no.
375
00:16:06,601 --> 00:16:10,067
The doctor said
you deserve your rest...
376
00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:13,767
and you're gonna get
what you deserve.
377
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:16,100
You're not gonna kill me,
are you, Mr. Conner?
378
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,067
Kill you?
379
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:20,634
No.
380
00:16:20,634 --> 00:16:23,601
This isn't
squirrel season, David.
381
00:16:23,601 --> 00:16:26,067
I'm huntin' bear.
382
00:16:29,667 --> 00:16:31,968
[knocking at door]
383
00:16:31,968 --> 00:16:33,834
Ooh.
384
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:36,067
Oh, my, it's Jackie.
385
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:38,267
What can I do for you.
386
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:39,934
If you've come
to insult me,
387
00:16:39,934 --> 00:16:42,334
why don't you just
save it for my eulogy.
388
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:44,167
You probably won't
have to wait long.
389
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:46,367
Why, what have you heard?
390
00:16:46,367 --> 00:16:50,133
Why are you always so cruel?
391
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:51,501
Mother, I didn't
come over here to fight.
392
00:16:51,501 --> 00:16:53,334
I came over to tell you
that it is okay
393
00:16:53,334 --> 00:16:55,300
for you to babysit Andy.
394
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:56,734
Really?
395
00:16:56,734 --> 00:16:58,133
Yes.
396
00:16:58,133 --> 00:16:59,267
Thank you, Jackie.
397
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,200
You're welcome.
I'll see you on Tuesday.
398
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,701
I'm glad you
changed your mind.
399
00:17:02,701 --> 00:17:06,267
I really didn't understand
why you got so upset with me.
400
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:08,567
I mean, I take
very good care of Andy.
401
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:11,901
Yeah, I know, Mom.
402
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:15,000
And Andy really loves
his ol' Gran-Gran.
403
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,801
Yeah, he does.
404
00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:21,701
I'm crazy about that boy.
I'm always very good to him.
405
00:17:21,701 --> 00:17:22,934
Yeah, I know.
406
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:26,300
I just...wish you could've
been good to me.
407
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,934
Why, Jackie, I was...
408
00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:30,167
good to you.
409
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:31,200
No.
410
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,133
No, you weren't, Mom.
411
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:35,534
Not the way you are
with Andy.
412
00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:38,167
I see the way
that you look at him
413
00:17:38,167 --> 00:17:39,868
and you sing to him
and you cuddle with him,
414
00:17:39,868 --> 00:17:43,501
and you never were
that way with me.
415
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:46,467
Oh...
416
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:50,667
Oh, Jackie,
it was all so long ago.
417
00:17:50,667 --> 00:17:54,133
I told myself that you just
didn't have it in you,
418
00:17:54,133 --> 00:17:56,601
but if you can
give it to Andy,
419
00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:58,601
I don't know why you couldn't
ever give it to me.
420
00:17:58,601 --> 00:18:01,033
What was so bad about me?
421
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:04,400
Oh, Jackie, it wasn't you.
422
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:05,534
Sure, it was me.
423
00:18:05,534 --> 00:18:07,934
I mean, why was I
so unlovable?
424
00:18:07,934 --> 00:18:09,534
It wasn't you.
425
00:18:09,534 --> 00:18:13,234
Oh, Jackie,
it was me.
426
00:18:13,234 --> 00:18:14,567
What?
427
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:18,133
Being a mother was just
a very hard job for me.
428
00:18:18,133 --> 00:18:22,667
It was all the time,
day and night.
429
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,734
And I had your father
to contend with,
430
00:18:24,734 --> 00:18:26,267
not to mention Roseanne.
431
00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:28,534
Okay, so, you know,
I didn't get much love
432
00:18:28,534 --> 00:18:31,234
because I had a cheating father
and a difficult sister.
433
00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:34,033
No.
434
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:39,734
It's because I was young
and just not very good at it.
435
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:42,501
I'm sorry, Jackie.
Now, Mom--
436
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:45,400
I'm just so sorry.
Mom, don't.
437
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,167
You deserve better.
438
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:48,968
Mom, I wasn't perfect.
439
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:53,467
I--You know,
the dog Skippy?
440
00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:56,234
I put him to sleep
after he shredded
your wedding dress?
441
00:18:56,234 --> 00:18:57,667
That wasn't Skippy.
442
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:05,167
I forgive you.
Okay.
443
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,968
You know, Jackie,
the truth is
444
00:19:07,968 --> 00:19:10,033
I'm sort of jealous
of you.
445
00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:13,067
What?
Yes.
446
00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:15,767
You waited until
you were older
to have Andy.
447
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:18,701
You're more settled,
more patient.
448
00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,701
You're a good mother.
449
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,467
Wait.
450
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:24,267
You're telling me
that I'm a good mother?
451
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:27,133
You're complimenting me?
I can't--
452
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,434
This is like
a dream come true.
453
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:33,734
I mean, this is, like,
one of those golden moments
454
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:36,367
that comes around
only once in a lifetime.
455
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,167
And I also think
that you and Fred--
456
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:41,934
Mom, don't, please,
say another word.
457
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:43,000
Why?
458
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,033
Mom, you're gonna say
something Mom-like
459
00:19:46,033 --> 00:19:47,334
and you're just
gonna ruin it.
460
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:50,601
You're gonna--
you're gonna ruin my moment.
461
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:51,734
No, I'm not.
462
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:55,400
Oh, I think you will.
463
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,801
I'm just gonna say.
464
00:19:56,801 --> 00:20:01,000
I'm not listening to you.
Le le le le le...
465
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,667
Well, I'll see you Tuesday.
466
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,300
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
467
00:20:05,968 --> 00:20:09,400
I'll bring my vacuum
since yours seems to be broken.
468
00:20:16,033 --> 00:20:19,167
No.
469
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,767
No, it's still good.
470
00:20:33,434 --> 00:20:35,100
Hi, Dan.
How's it going?
471
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:37,601
Pretty good.
Quick question.
472
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:40,133
You weren't just trying to head
out the front door, were you?
473
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:44,434
Who me?
No, I just came to.
474
00:20:44,434 --> 00:20:47,234
'Cause D.J. said he saw you
heading out the front door
475
00:20:47,234 --> 00:20:49,067
and when he called for me,
you did a U-y
476
00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:51,801
and torqued back
in the bedroom.
477
00:20:51,801 --> 00:20:54,267
[whistling]
478
00:20:54,267 --> 00:20:56,467
Feet cold?
479
00:20:56,467 --> 00:20:59,601
No, not since
I put my shoes on.
480
00:21:01,701 --> 00:21:05,767
Roseanne, the doctor said you
were supposed to stay in bed
481
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:08,634
for a week, and that's
what you're gonna do.
482
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:15,067
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a few exits to block up.
483
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:19,634
And I've nailedthe windows shut.
484
00:21:19,634 --> 00:21:21,634
Shoot!
485
00:21:21,634 --> 00:21:24,200
[whispering]
Roseanne,
you're not too sick
486
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,734
for me to talk to you,
are you?
487
00:21:25,734 --> 00:21:27,200
No. Get in here.
488
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,534
I've been dying for the sound
of another human voice.
489
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:31,734
Read me the ingredients
on this Cheez Whiz.
490
00:21:31,734 --> 00:21:32,834
You're not gonna
believe this.
491
00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:35,133
Mom said
she's a bad mother.
492
00:21:36,234 --> 00:21:37,434
What do you mean?
493
00:21:37,434 --> 00:21:40,901
Like in the way that Shaft
was a bad mother?
494
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,167
No, I'm serious.
495
00:21:46,167 --> 00:21:48,501
She said those exact words!
496
00:21:48,501 --> 00:21:49,567
Oh, my God.
497
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:50,934
Okay, you've gotta
sit down and tell me
498
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:52,300
every single detail
of this.
499
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:55,133
Okay, I go over--
Okay, now wait!
500
00:21:56,434 --> 00:21:58,567
All right,
now I'm ready.
Um--
501
00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:00,601
Hey, hey, hey,
what's going on in here?
502
00:22:00,601 --> 00:22:02,834
I'm just telling Roseanne
this really great stuff
about Mom.
503
00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:04,067
No way.
504
00:22:04,067 --> 00:22:06,534
You bring up the name of--
there's gonna be stress.
505
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:07,801
Shut up, Dan.
506
00:22:07,801 --> 00:22:09,501
See, already it starts.
Let's go, Jackie.
507
00:22:09,501 --> 00:22:12,634
Dan, no. She's been waiting
42 years to hear this.
508
00:22:12,634 --> 00:22:14,033
Then she can wait
another week.
509
00:22:14,033 --> 00:22:15,367
Let's go.
Doctor's orders.
510
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:16,901
No. Okay. All right.
511
00:22:16,901 --> 00:22:19,534
Uh...okay.
512
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,767
The doctor really never said
I had to stay in bed.
513
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,901
Out, Jackie.
514
00:22:26,901 --> 00:22:30,133
Hey, you don't have to go
just 'cause he tells you to.
515
00:22:30,133 --> 00:22:31,801
Yeah!
516
00:22:31,801 --> 00:22:33,601
You have a point.
517
00:22:33,601 --> 00:22:35,367
Dan, put me down!
518
00:22:35,367 --> 00:22:37,200
Put her down!
519
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,100
Oh, Roseanne, my God,
it was glorious!
520
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:40,100
[Dan]
Say goodbye, Jackie!
521
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:41,167
No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait!
522
00:22:41,167 --> 00:22:43,834
Roseanne, she cried.
523
00:22:54,934 --> 00:22:57,868
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA
37148
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