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1
00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:03,067
** [harmonica]
2
00:00:05,501 --> 00:00:07,434
Hey?
What?
3
00:00:07,434 --> 00:00:09,133
I gotta talk to ya.
4
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:10,567
Oh, come on.
I had a rough night.
5
00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:11,634
I can't talk right now.
6
00:00:11,634 --> 00:00:13,234
Well, I can see why
you'd be tired,
7
00:00:13,234 --> 00:00:15,300
being out with
my wife all night.
8
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:16,868
We went out for coffee.
9
00:00:16,868 --> 00:00:19,467
Well, I don't want her
spending so much time with you.
10
00:00:19,467 --> 00:00:22,567
I mean, she sees you
writing poems and reading books,
11
00:00:22,567 --> 00:00:26,000
then she expects me to be
some kind of freak, too.
12
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,968
Mark, she does not
expect you to read.
13
00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:30,968
Oh, yeah? Then why
is she asking me
14
00:00:30,968 --> 00:00:32,701
what I'm thinking about
every five minutes?
15
00:00:32,701 --> 00:00:35,901
Like I'm thinking
all the time.
16
00:00:35,901 --> 00:00:37,801
I'm sorry. Are you guys
having problems?
17
00:00:37,801 --> 00:00:40,067
No, it's...
18
00:00:40,067 --> 00:00:43,534
I don't know. It's just
we used to talk a lot,
19
00:00:43,534 --> 00:00:47,300
and lately, it's as if
we got nothing left to say
to each other.
20
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,100
Wow.
21
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:51,167
Well, what did you
used to talk about?
22
00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:53,868
I don't know. Uh...
23
00:00:53,868 --> 00:00:56,267
"What kind of car
do you drive?" Uh...
24
00:00:56,267 --> 00:00:58,667
"What's your middle name?"
25
00:00:58,667 --> 00:00:59,901
That's okay, Mark.
26
00:00:59,901 --> 00:01:01,634
Yeah, but if I keep asking her
what her middle name is
27
00:01:01,634 --> 00:01:03,868
she's gonna think
I'm some kind of idiot.
28
00:01:03,868 --> 00:01:05,601
You know, Mark,
29
00:01:05,601 --> 00:01:07,767
any relationship
goes through phases,
30
00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:09,801
and only by talking
about your feeling
with each other
31
00:01:09,801 --> 00:01:11,667
can you ever get
to the next level.
32
00:01:12,834 --> 00:01:16,000
So you're the one
she got that crap from.
33
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:19,167
[Dan]
Mark! David!
I need a hand!
34
00:01:20,801 --> 00:01:22,834
Water pipe burst
and the basement's flooded.
35
00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,200
Mark, go get my wrench.
36
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:25,901
D.J., David's staying
with you tonight.
37
00:01:25,901 --> 00:01:28,634
No way! Darlene doesn't
have to sleep with him!
38
00:01:28,634 --> 00:01:30,801
How come I do?
39
00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:32,868
Good. You can
stay in the basement.
40
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:35,000
You'll finally
get some use out of
those webbed toes of yours.
41
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,334
David, you better
get down there
42
00:01:36,334 --> 00:01:37,801
and get the rest
of your stuff out.
43
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:39,534
You should have to move
into the garage.
44
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:42,000
You're not really
a member of this
family anyway.
45
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,033
Young man, I don't ever
want to hear you talking
like that again.
46
00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:49,400
If he moves into the garage,
I might have to move my tools.
47
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,934
You better pray
I fall asleep
before you do.
48
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:57,367
You want me to help you
get your stuff
from downstairs?
49
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,968
I'll do it later.
50
00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:02,467
Something wrong?
51
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,767
[sighs]
I don't know.
52
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:07,100
Maybe I just need
to get away from this house.
53
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,367
Oh, that.
That's just a phase.
54
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:12,334
You won't get over it.
55
00:02:12,334 --> 00:02:13,667
You wanna talk about it?
56
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,667
[sighs]
No, I can't tell you
about people.
57
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,534
It's much too disgusting.
58
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:20,467
You'd think I was
a total creep.
59
00:02:20,467 --> 00:02:22,300
Oh, come on, David.
We're friends.
60
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:24,367
I mean, if something's
upsetting you,
you can tell me.
61
00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:27,667
Last night
after we got back,
62
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:31,801
I had a dream and it
kinda disturbed me.
63
00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:33,767
You mean like
a nightmare?
64
00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:36,901
No, it was more like a...
65
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:39,000
an adult dream.
66
00:02:42,234 --> 00:02:44,200
You mean about Darlene?
67
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,801
No, not Darlene.
68
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,133
Oh.
69
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:52,634
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
70
00:02:52,634 --> 00:02:55,367
I feel really uncomfortable
talking to you about this.
71
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:59,400
David, I mean, it's not
like you did anything.
72
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,501
In a way,
it's kinda flattering.
73
00:03:07,334 --> 00:03:08,901
What the hell you doing
holding my wife's hand?
74
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,634
Hand? No. No hands.
75
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:14,267
She was just making me
feel better.
76
00:03:14,267 --> 00:03:19,133
Why don't you just
ask her for a lap dance?
77
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:21,400
Could you possibly
be more boorish?
78
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,734
Well, I am sorry
I'm boring you, Becky.
79
00:03:25,567 --> 00:03:28,434
What the hell are you doing
holding his hand?
80
00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:30,467
Like you care.
81
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,300
She loves you so much.
82
00:03:37,901 --> 00:03:39,834
** [theme]
83
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:19,634
[laughs]
84
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:26,667
What time is it?
85
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,033
It's about...8:30.
86
00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:30,133
You want some toast?
87
00:04:30,133 --> 00:04:31,133
We're late.
88
00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:32,667
Leon's gonna
blow a gasket.
89
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:37,567
How about some
blueberry pancakes?
90
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:41,567
From scratch?
I'll get the bowl.
91
00:04:41,567 --> 00:04:43,434
As soon as
I finish my coffee,
92
00:04:43,434 --> 00:04:45,868
I'll go to the store
and get the blueberries.
93
00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:50,634
You're sleeping
on the floor again tonight.
94
00:04:50,634 --> 00:04:52,100
That's not fair, D.J.
95
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:55,501
You know what?
I don't care!
96
00:04:55,501 --> 00:04:56,901
Mrs. Connor,
help me out here.
97
00:04:56,901 --> 00:04:58,367
Aren't we supposed
to rotate who gets the bed
98
00:04:58,367 --> 00:04:59,634
and who has
to sleep on the floor?
99
00:04:59,634 --> 00:05:02,367
That' right, D.J.,
just like your
Dad and I do.
100
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,834
This sucks. I'm always
the one stuck with David.
101
00:05:06,834 --> 00:05:08,367
Well, fair is fair, D.J.
102
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,801
We wrote your name
on a whole bunch of
pieces of paper,
103
00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:11,901
we put them in a hat.
104
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:13,234
And when we
drew one out,
105
00:05:13,234 --> 00:05:14,901
it said your name on it.
106
00:05:14,901 --> 00:05:18,567
Come on, D.J.
Having a roommate
can be great.
107
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:19,734
The years I spent
growing up in
108
00:05:19,734 --> 00:05:20,734
the same room
with your mom
109
00:05:20,734 --> 00:05:24,100
are the happiest
memories of my life.
110
00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:28,934
Sybil, can you have
Jackie come out now?
111
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:35,200
I hate the way you...
chew your food!
112
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,701
It's all right. I won't be
staying here much longer.
113
00:05:38,701 --> 00:05:40,901
I, uh, I made a decision.
114
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:42,167
I'm gonna move
out of the house.
115
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,601
What a coincidence.
I made a decision, too.
116
00:05:44,601 --> 00:05:45,968
No, you're not!
117
00:05:45,968 --> 00:05:48,534
I've been thinking about
getting my own apartment.
118
00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:49,934
I just think it's time.
119
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:52,300
Well, time is
a funny thing, David,
120
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,367
and it passes
very slowly
121
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:57,033
when you're pinned
under Mr. Connor's
massive frame,
122
00:05:57,033 --> 00:05:58,901
right, Dan?
123
00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:01,267
Dan hurt David.
124
00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:05,334
Wait a second, David.
125
00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:07,567
You can't move out
just 'cause of
the other day.
126
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,601
Well, I can't live here
with things the way they are.
127
00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:10,801
What do you mean
"the way they are"?
128
00:06:10,801 --> 00:06:12,601
It's nothing, Mother.
129
00:06:12,601 --> 00:06:14,834
Dan! Becky knows something
that I don't know.
130
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:19,234
Becky, you can't
know something your
mother doesn't know!
131
00:06:19,234 --> 00:06:21,133
I don't think David
wants you to find out.
132
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:22,734
That's ridiculous.
133
00:06:22,734 --> 00:06:24,601
If he has something
he doesn't want me
to find out about,
134
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:28,767
then he should not
be discussing it with
anyone on my planet.
135
00:06:28,767 --> 00:06:30,467
It's not a big deal.
136
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:32,868
David is just feeling weird
'cause he had this big dream
137
00:06:32,868 --> 00:06:35,033
about me and him,
you know... together.
138
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,667
And the two of you
were being chased
by a bear?
139
00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:47,834
No, Dan. My guess is...
they were having sex.
140
00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:49,200
Oh, God.
141
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,834
I should have known
you couldn't deal with this.
142
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:54,501
I will handle it.
Just leave it alone.
143
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,834
Man, oh, man.
144
00:06:55,834 --> 00:06:57,367
David and Becky.
145
00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:59,167
We got us a problem
here, Roseanne.
146
00:06:59,167 --> 00:07:02,334
Yeah. What if Mark won't
bow out gracefully?
147
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,434
He's fantasizing about
his brother's wife,
for God's sake.
148
00:07:06,434 --> 00:07:08,033
Calm down.
149
00:07:08,033 --> 00:07:11,267
It's not like he ate
the last piece of pie
or nothing.
150
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:12,734
This is serious.
151
00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:14,868
If he's dreaming it,
he's gonna try
and make it happen.
152
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,734
Oh, right.
That reminds me,
153
00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:18,467
I better get down
to the supermarket
154
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:21,234
so I can
walk around naked.
155
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:28,934
Look, he's a horny
teenage boy.
156
00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:30,267
If he wants to move out
of the house,
157
00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:32,601
I think we should let him,
just to be safe.
158
00:07:32,601 --> 00:07:36,167
We cannot control
our kid's dreams, Dan.
159
00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:38,434
We can only make sure
they don't come true.
160
00:07:38,434 --> 00:07:41,367
[Jackie]
Uh, can I say
something?
161
00:07:41,367 --> 00:07:46,234
A dream like this
can be interpreted in
so many different ways.
162
00:07:46,234 --> 00:07:49,033
We don't know
what kind of sex it was.
163
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:53,133
We don't know where
the sex took place.
164
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:57,167
How many people
were involved.
165
00:07:57,167 --> 00:08:02,234
My point is that
sex dreams are
rarely about sex.
166
00:08:02,234 --> 00:08:05,434
Quite often they are
merely a yearning
for affection.
167
00:08:05,434 --> 00:08:08,267
David could be longing
for a puppy.
168
00:08:08,267 --> 00:08:11,834
Or...a kind word.
169
00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:13,734
But in the dream state,
this desire
170
00:08:13,734 --> 00:08:18,968
takes the form of, well,
intercourse with Becky.
171
00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:20,133
Look, Jackie,
172
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,133
you made
a brand-new vein
173
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:22,634
stand out on
Dan's head.
174
00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:26,501
We're not done
talking about this.
175
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:29,000
Man, I saw this coming.
176
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,901
All these unrelated kids
under one roof.
177
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:31,968
It's an abomination.
178
00:08:31,968 --> 00:08:34,901
We're breaking, like,
50 Commandments.
179
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:38,267
Well, that would explain
the flood in the basement.
180
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:46,567
[football game
playing on TV]
181
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,501
Why are you always
following me?
182
00:08:58,901 --> 00:09:00,000
What?
183
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,634
You know, you're in
my room all night.
184
00:09:01,634 --> 00:09:04,501
Now you have to follow me
around all day, too?
185
00:09:04,501 --> 00:09:06,534
What are you
talking about?
I was here first.
186
00:09:06,534 --> 00:09:09,200
No, I was here first.
You were not.
187
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:13,467
I've been here since 1981
when I was born.
188
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:16,100
Both of you...
shut up.
189
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:24,133
Why do you have
to sit so close?
190
00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:27,000
I'm not.
191
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,968
You're always
hanging around me.
192
00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:30,767
Are you in love with me
like you are with Becky?
193
00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:31,701
Shut up.
194
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:35,334
What are you guys
talking about?
195
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:37,701
I heard Becky telling
Mom and Dad
196
00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:40,934
that David had
a sex dream about her.
197
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:44,834
What?
No.
198
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,567
Listen, man this is
not what you think.
199
00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:49,968
That's bull.
You wanna sleep
with my wife.
200
00:09:49,968 --> 00:09:53,267
Lay him. I want
my room back.
201
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:59,067
Get up.
202
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:01,000
I've been
working out you know.
203
00:10:02,934 --> 00:10:04,567
Fight! Fight!
204
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,033
What's going on?
205
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:09,167
Mark's killing David.
Oh, God!
206
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:10,934
What are you dreaming
about my wife?
Nothing!
207
00:10:10,934 --> 00:10:12,467
What are you dreaming
about Becky?
208
00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:15,133
So Darlene dumped you
and you thought you could
209
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:16,901
take a crack at
my wife, is that it?
210
00:10:16,901 --> 00:10:17,934
No! No!
211
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,067
Then what are you
dreaming about her for?
212
00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:20,601
I'm not!
Liar!
213
00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:23,033
Look, I didn't have
a sex dream Becky, okay?
214
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:24,200
I didn't!
215
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,667
I had a dream
about Mrs. Connor.
216
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,534
[D.J.]
Now can we put him
back in the basement?
217
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:48,100
Eating food at
the grocery store
is stealing.
218
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,634
I don't care
what you say.
219
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:51,400
It is never
considered stealing
220
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,934
when an unborn child
has a craving.
221
00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:57,501
How does an unborn child
have a craving
for Twinkies?
222
00:10:57,501 --> 00:10:58,767
Well, you know
how kids are.
223
00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:01,567
They're easily swayed
by advertising.
224
00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:04,167
Look at this.
He is serious
about moving out.
225
00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:06,667
Look, David circled
apartment ads.
226
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,868
So what? That could be
any of my kids...or Dan.
227
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,367
If you want,
228
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,901
I could talk to the boy
about his Becky dreams.
229
00:11:15,901 --> 00:11:17,534
I think this really
ought to be handled
230
00:11:17,534 --> 00:11:19,400
with a little bit
of sensitivity.
231
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,434
David, I was just
thinking about you.
232
00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:24,801
Well...
233
00:11:24,801 --> 00:11:28,033
I wasn't thinking
about you, I swear.
234
00:11:28,033 --> 00:11:30,300
Be gentle with him.
I know!
235
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,000
Look, David, I don't
want to make you feel
uncomfortable,
236
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,300
but you know,
I want you to know
237
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:41,300
that we are, like,
totally okay
with this dream.
238
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,534
Oh, I'm uncomfortable.
239
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:47,300
I'm very uncomfortable now.
240
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,000
Maybe I can help.
241
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,934
David, what Mrs. Connor
is trying to say
242
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:54,200
is that that this dream
does not bother her at all.
243
00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:56,467
Really?
244
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:57,901
So you're not mad?
245
00:11:57,901 --> 00:11:59,200
Makes perfect sense.
246
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,667
You see her all day,
you smell her perfume,
247
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,934
you brush up against her
in the halls.
248
00:12:03,934 --> 00:12:07,067
Bound to happen
sooner or later.
249
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:09,501
I thought you'd be disgusted.
250
00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:10,934
No.
251
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:14,267
You're a perfectly
healthy adolescent boy.
252
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,767
Don't think you're
the only kid
253
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:16,934
that's had these
kind of thoughts.
254
00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:18,601
Why do you think all of
D.J.'s little friends
255
00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:19,834
always wanna
sleep over?
256
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,934
It's a part of life, David.
257
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:31,300
I mean you're
a good-looking kid.
258
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,901
She may have
dreams about you.
259
00:12:32,901 --> 00:12:34,133
Sure.
260
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:43,734
What's going on?
261
00:12:43,734 --> 00:12:46,100
Okay. I feel a lot better.
I can go now.
262
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,000
Oh, we just
wanna tell David
263
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,634
that we're all okay
with his dream,
right, Dan?
264
00:12:51,634 --> 00:12:54,801
Well,
if you say so.
265
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:56,634
I mean, the only
important thing
266
00:12:56,634 --> 00:12:57,667
is that you're,
you know,
267
00:12:57,667 --> 00:13:00,434
not considering acting
on your impulses.
268
00:13:00,434 --> 00:13:03,467
I would never.
269
00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:04,701
Ever...ever.
270
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:08,000
I mean we are talking
about a married woman here.
271
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,033
Jackie, Roseanne,
can I see you
in the kitchen?
272
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:16,701
Why, did you get
your water dish stuck
under the stove again?
273
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:18,601
[Dan laughs]
274
00:13:19,901 --> 00:13:21,467
[whispering]
275
00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:41,467
No, I think it's good
that you talk
about things,
276
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,267
'cause, uh...
277
00:13:43,267 --> 00:13:47,300
a lot of guys might
have kept something
like that to themselves.
278
00:13:51,734 --> 00:13:52,801
Rosie, you okay?
279
00:13:52,801 --> 00:13:54,701
No, I'm not okay.
This is horrible.
280
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:55,701
What are we gonna do?
281
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,534
What choice do we have?
282
00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:59,767
You gotta
give yourself to him.
283
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,634
It's not funny, Dan.
284
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:04,734
How am I gonna go
out there and face him
285
00:14:04,734 --> 00:14:06,033
when I know
he's probably...
286
00:14:06,033 --> 00:14:09,267
picturing me in
my Terrycloth robe?
287
00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:11,033
Just ignore him.
288
00:14:11,033 --> 00:14:14,868
Then he'll think
I'm playing hard to get.
289
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:18,501
Come on, Roseanne,
it's just a stupid dream.
290
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:21,467
When you thought he was
dreaming about Becky,
it was no big deal.
291
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,300
Yeah, 'cause there's
no threat with Becky.
292
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,334
She's happily
married woman.
293
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,767
Okay, okay, if this is
such a problem for you,
294
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,334
maybe David
should move out.
295
00:14:30,334 --> 00:14:31,334
Where could he go?
296
00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:32,334
The only place
that'd take him in
297
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,868
would put him to
sleep in 5 days.
298
00:14:34,868 --> 00:14:37,334
You're overreacting.
299
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,434
It's perfectly normal
for a teenage boy
300
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:42,167
to have sex dreams
about his girlfriend's
mother.
301
00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:43,467
I mean, even Mark
might have--
302
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:47,100
Hey! You finish that sentence,
I'll rip your heart out.
303
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,534
Someone's sensitive.
304
00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:52,601
Well, how come when
you thought it was about Becky
you were so upset,
305
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:55,734
and then when it
turns out to be about me
you think it's so funny?
306
00:14:57,534 --> 00:14:59,200
Okay, I'm gonna
tell you something,
307
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,267
and I want you
to keep in mind
308
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,367
the reason
I'm telling you this
309
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:02,868
is to show how normal
David is
310
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,334
and not that I'm some
sort of...freak.
311
00:15:05,334 --> 00:15:08,701
What? What is it?
312
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:10,667
Well, first,
you gotta promise
313
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,467
that you won't
make fun of me
or get all weird.
314
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:17,801
Okay. I swear on the thing
dearest to both of our hearts:
315
00:15:17,801 --> 00:15:19,467
that expensive
smoked cheese log
316
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:22,968
we got hidden in the fridge
'til the kids move out.
317
00:15:22,968 --> 00:15:25,400
Okay.
318
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,400
When we were dating,
319
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,701
I had a dream,
a very short one,
about your mother.
320
00:15:30,701 --> 00:15:33,834
Uggh!
321
00:15:33,834 --> 00:15:37,367
That's disgusting, Dan!
322
00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:42,167
How could you compare
the beautiful thing
David and I have to that?
323
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:45,234
Roseanne, you can't
go and tell anyone
about this.
324
00:15:45,234 --> 00:15:47,667
I'm not gonna
tell anybody.
325
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:49,801
So this is just like
all teenage boys
326
00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:51,934
have these kind of dreams about
their girlfriend's mothers?
327
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:55,400
Girlfriend's mothers,
their mother's friends,
328
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,334
their friend's
girlfriends,
329
00:15:58,334 --> 00:16:01,167
all the girls
on the block,
330
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:03,868
all the girls on TV...
331
00:16:03,868 --> 00:16:05,801
all the rest of 'em.
332
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:07,767
Men are so sick.
333
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,300
Oh, come on.
Don't women dream about
their boyfriend's fathers?
334
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,968
No, Dan.
335
00:16:11,968 --> 00:16:16,367
Unlike men, women do not
have to be disgusted
336
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,601
to get excited.
337
00:16:22,968 --> 00:16:25,167
No, David, you're not
dreaming,
338
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:27,334
I'm really here.
339
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,601
Mrs. Connor, listen,
340
00:16:30,601 --> 00:16:32,167
I really want
to apologize to you.
341
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:34,467
You have to know that
I would never think of
anything like that--
342
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:36,901
David!
The whole idea
is just so gross.
343
00:16:36,901 --> 00:16:39,100
Okay, stop, right now.
344
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,567
That was just a dream
which you could
not control,
345
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,567
unlike what you are
saying to me now.
346
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:47,567
I'm sorry. I don't know
what I'm saying.
347
00:16:47,567 --> 00:16:49,100
I'm the worst person
in the world.
348
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:50,400
I don't know what's
wrong with me.
349
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,801
I'm--I'm sick.
350
00:16:51,801 --> 00:16:54,934
No, you're not sick, David,
you're a normal teenage boy.
351
00:16:54,934 --> 00:16:57,534
But I can understand
how you get the two confused.
352
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:59,601
No, this is not normal.
353
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:01,133
Yes, it is.
354
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:05,267
A lot of, you know, guys
fantasize about older women
355
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:08,434
that are, you know...
really hot.
356
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:10,667
Where'd you hear that?
357
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:12,567
[chuckles]
358
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,501
Well, you gotta promise
not to tell.
359
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,701
Uh...
360
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:18,901
Well, I--I saw it on Oprah.
361
00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:21,801
Really?
Yeah!
362
00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:24,334
Yeah. Yeah, they had
this guy on there.
363
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,968
You know, big guy,
a real, kind of...
364
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:28,400
macho, blue-collar
type of guy, you know.
365
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,467
Not much to look at.
But, uh...
366
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:34,734
For some reason,
he had this incredibly
gorgeous wife, you know?
367
00:17:34,734 --> 00:17:38,067
And he said that he had
these dreams about her mother,
368
00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:40,601
and her mother
was a big old hag.
369
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,534
But see,
this is different.
370
00:17:42,534 --> 00:17:43,968
How?
371
00:17:43,968 --> 00:17:45,934
Because that guys was talking
about his girlfriend's mother,
372
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,801
and I just--I don't
think of you that way anymore.
373
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,267
You don't?
No.
374
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:52,067
I mean,
I think of you as--
What?
375
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:59,133
I kinda think of you
as, you know...my own mother.
376
00:17:59,133 --> 00:18:01,567
Oh, you do?
377
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,834
Well, yeah.
I've lived here,
what, 2 years,
378
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:06,801
and you've taken
better care of me
than my own mother ever did.
379
00:18:06,801 --> 00:18:10,267
David, I think it's
great that you think
of me as your mother.
380
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:11,567
No. See?
381
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:14,200
It just makes this
whole dream thing
much, much worse.
382
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,534
No. No, it doesn't, David.
383
00:18:16,534 --> 00:18:18,200
'Cause you know...
384
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,267
uh, sex dreams,
385
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:24,601
they're really rarely ever
about sex anyway, you know?
386
00:18:24,601 --> 00:18:27,434
Maybe you're just
feeling like you want a puppy.
387
00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:31,934
Where did you get that?
388
00:18:31,934 --> 00:18:33,734
Uh...
389
00:18:33,734 --> 00:18:35,734
from the Oprah show.
390
00:18:35,734 --> 00:18:39,934
You know--Well, they had
this woman on the panel,
right next to that big guy--
391
00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:42,133
You know, this kinda
skinny expert type.
392
00:18:42,133 --> 00:18:44,534
Reminded me of
Barney Fife, actually.
393
00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:47,868
Uh, and she said that,
you know, sex dreams
are really not about sex,
394
00:18:47,868 --> 00:18:52,067
they're just about
yearning for, uh, affection.
395
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,834
Really?
Yeah.
396
00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:59,534
And you think
she knew what she was
talking about?
397
00:18:59,534 --> 00:19:02,801
Well, she was
an expert, David.
398
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,267
Mrs. Connor,
399
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:08,634
I can't tell you how much
better that makes me feel.
400
00:19:08,634 --> 00:19:11,467
Well, that's good.
That's great.
401
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:14,234
Okay, so--
Can I have a hug now or...
402
00:19:14,234 --> 00:19:16,901
What, I gotta
get you drunk first?
403
00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:21,133
I'm so glad that you think
about me as your mother, David.
404
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:25,000
Well, I really do,
Mrs. Connor.
405
00:19:26,901 --> 00:19:29,133
Do you want me to start
calling you Mom?
406
00:19:30,901 --> 00:19:33,133
No.
407
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:38,634
I'd like the other kids
to start calling me Mrs. Conner.
408
00:19:38,634 --> 00:19:42,334
And I'd like you to start
calling me Pickles.
409
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:54,467
I told you when you moved in
you were gonna have
trouble with the pipes.
410
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:57,868
Yeah, and 20 years
later,
it happens.
411
00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:59,968
Eerie.
412
00:19:59,968 --> 00:20:01,501
Hi, Becky.
413
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,667
Hey, Grandma. Hey, Mom.
IS David around?
414
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:05,334
Uh, Becky,
hold on a sec.
415
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:08,667
Uh...Mom.
416
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:13,234
Uh, D.J. made you
the cutest little
ashtray upstairs.
417
00:20:13,234 --> 00:20:14,901
You really should go
up there and take
a look at it.
418
00:20:14,901 --> 00:20:19,901
I don't smoke!
I know that,
but he does.
419
00:20:19,901 --> 00:20:24,367
Why don't you go up
there and take a look
at the ashtray.
420
00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:29,501
Okay, Roseanne,
I'll play along.
421
00:20:29,501 --> 00:20:31,501
I will now leave
you and Becky alone
422
00:20:31,501 --> 00:20:34,934
as I go to D.J.'s room
to look at the ashtray.
423
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:39,300
I have such fun in your
little kingdom of make-believe.
424
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:42,601
What's going on?
425
00:20:42,601 --> 00:20:46,133
Well, I talked to David
about his dream.
426
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:47,767
I knew it!
427
00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:49,834
You always have to
butt in on things that
aren't about you.
428
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:50,834
This is between
him and me.
429
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,267
The dream was about me.
430
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,767
It was?
431
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:56,968
Yeah, it seems that
I'm what all the teenage boys
432
00:20:56,968 --> 00:20:58,200
are into this year.
433
00:21:01,701 --> 00:21:04,000
Oh.
434
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,467
I guess it was
pretty silly of me
435
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,868
to think that it could
have possibly been about me.
436
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:09,934
Well, don't feel bad, Becky.
437
00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:12,100
Someday you'll fill out, too,
438
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:14,701
and then all the boys
will want you.
439
00:21:14,701 --> 00:21:16,067
Just shut up,
Mother.
440
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:19,300
Is there something going on
between you and David?
441
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:20,701
No, there's nothing
going on--
442
00:21:20,701 --> 00:21:21,901
I'll put it
a different way.
443
00:21:21,901 --> 00:21:24,400
Would you like there to be?
444
00:21:27,033 --> 00:21:30,167
I don't know.
I mean, I didn't until--
445
00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:31,400
Well, he had that
dream about me--
446
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,100
Or I thought he did.
447
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:35,367
And now I feel kinda...
448
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:36,534
I don't know.
449
00:21:37,934 --> 00:21:42,100
Does anything in
the "stupid" category
come to mind?
450
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:43,601
Look, I don't need your
help with this, Mother.
451
00:21:43,601 --> 00:21:45,501
I can deal with this
myself.
452
00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:49,033
Deal with what yourself?
Nothing.
453
00:21:49,033 --> 00:21:51,834
Forget it. I didn't want
to know anyway.
454
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:55,834
Okay, she's gone.
You can tell me.
455
00:21:55,834 --> 00:21:58,367
No, Dan, she trusted me
with something private.
456
00:21:58,367 --> 00:22:02,000
I thought you would
appreciate the fact that
I can keep a confidence.
457
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,868
I saw Becky
leave the kitchen.
458
00:22:03,868 --> 00:22:06,901
So I suppose I'm done
looking at the ashtray.
459
00:22:08,634 --> 00:22:10,167
Mother Harris.
460
00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:12,400
Oh, Dan.
461
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,100
I know you've been doing
some plumbing around here,
462
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:20,267
and I was thinking
while you're still in
the monkey-wrench mood,
463
00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:21,901
you might
come by tomorrow
464
00:22:21,901 --> 00:22:24,868
and put in my new
garbage disposal.
465
00:22:24,868 --> 00:22:26,767
Okay, Bev,
I can do that.
466
00:22:26,767 --> 00:22:28,934
Oh, wonderful.
Then it's a date.
467
00:22:28,934 --> 00:22:30,868
I'll see you tomorrow.
468
00:22:32,767 --> 00:22:35,200
And after you're done
with the disposal,
469
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:40,834
I was thinking you and I
could have some sex.
470
00:22:57,634 --> 00:23:00,567
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