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1
00:00:05,868 --> 00:00:08,167
Rose, where's
that itch cream?
2
00:00:08,234 --> 00:00:09,934
I got me one fierce
bug bite.
3
00:00:11,167 --> 00:00:13,601
Dan, you know that mirror
in the bathroom?
4
00:00:13,667 --> 00:00:16,901
Well, that mirror
is actually a magical door
5
00:00:16,968 --> 00:00:20,534
that opens
into a world of medicine.
6
00:00:20,601 --> 00:00:21,968
I looked
in the medicine cabinet,
7
00:00:22,033 --> 00:00:23,200
and it ain't in there.
8
00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:25,133
Are you sure it was
the medicine cabinet
9
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,267
you looked in?
10
00:00:26,334 --> 00:00:27,400
Was it cold?
11
00:00:27,467 --> 00:00:28,901
Was there milk and beer
in there?
12
00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:30,934
Come on, Becky,
13
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,601
I can't sleep
with the light on.
14
00:00:32,667 --> 00:00:35,434
Well, I can't read
with the light off.
15
00:00:35,501 --> 00:00:36,934
I looked on every shelf.
16
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,901
I even moved a jar.
17
00:00:38,968 --> 00:00:39,901
Shh!
18
00:00:39,968 --> 00:00:41,334
If I don't
get some sleep,
19
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,734
I'm gonna be in a bad mood
all day tomorrow.
20
00:00:43,801 --> 00:00:44,934
So, how
is that different
21
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,601
from any other day
of the week?
22
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:47,968
Good one, Becky.
23
00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:49,701
I'm tired,
and I want to sleep.
24
00:00:49,767 --> 00:00:51,133
Turn off the damn light.
25
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,367
I'm not tired, and I
don't want to sleep.
26
00:00:53,434 --> 00:00:55,167
Whoa. Whoa.
Where's that cream?
27
00:00:55,234 --> 00:00:57,200
I got me another bite.
28
00:00:57,267 --> 00:00:59,501
Why don't you go
downstairs and read?
29
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:02,701
You can turn on every light
in the damn house then.
30
00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:04,300
If I go downstairs-
31
00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:06,067
They've been fightin' for
three days over a light?
32
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:09,267
No, Dan, they are not actually
fighting about a light.
33
00:01:09,334 --> 00:01:10,701
The light
is just an excuse
34
00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:12,133
for what they're really
fighting about,
35
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,801
like that time
we had the fight
36
00:01:13,868 --> 00:01:15,601
about you
and your bad breath.
37
00:01:15,667 --> 00:01:16,868
What do you mean?
38
00:01:16,934 --> 00:01:19,868
I was actually mad
because you came home late,
39
00:01:19,934 --> 00:01:22,834
so you brushed
your teeth for nothin'.
40
00:01:22,901 --> 00:01:25,400
I'm keeping the light on
so I can read.
41
00:01:25,467 --> 00:01:28,267
Fine. Let's see how well you
can read without the light bulb.
42
00:01:28,334 --> 00:01:30,267
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
43
00:01:30,334 --> 00:01:33,534
He's 23, and he just figures
out light bulbs are hot.
44
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,400
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
45
00:02:24,501 --> 00:02:27,100
Well, Roseanne,
the reviews are in.
46
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:29,067
Our suggestion box
is full.
47
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:30,701
You know
what that means?
48
00:02:30,767 --> 00:02:32,400
Yeah, time
to get a new box
49
00:02:32,467 --> 00:02:34,934
with no slot
on the top.
50
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,467
Oh, you know, I wonder
51
00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:39,734
how someone with your
obvious people skills
52
00:02:39,801 --> 00:02:41,734
could be afraid of
a little suggestion box.
53
00:02:41,801 --> 00:02:43,334
Well, it's demeaning.
54
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,534
It reminds
our regular customers
55
00:02:44,601 --> 00:02:48,234
that they are
unable to write.
56
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,968
Well, just remember
there is nothing to fear
57
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:54,834
but, well,
everything that's inside.
58
00:02:54,901 --> 00:02:57,067
Ha. Okay,
suggestion number 1:
59
00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:58,501
"The meat
is a little dry. "
60
00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:00,267
I would agree with that.
61
00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:02,067
Suggestion number 2:
62
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:03,868
"Make
that uptight blond guy
63
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,367
"stop hovering over us
64
00:03:05,434 --> 00:03:07,501
while we're trying
to... eat. "
65
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,133
I would agree
with that.
66
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:18,033
Now let's see...
suggestion number 3:
67
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:19,767
"Lose the waiter guy.
68
00:03:19,834 --> 00:03:21,834
He reminds me
of my mother. "
69
00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:27,167
Well, aren't we clever,
Roseanne?
70
00:03:27,234 --> 00:03:28,934
Stuffing
the suggestion box.
71
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,701
This is your suggestion,
isn't it?
72
00:03:30,767 --> 00:03:32,400
Guess again.
73
00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:40,000
Well, luckily, uh,
74
00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:41,634
I don't
value the opinion
75
00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:44,400
of anyone who would
choose to eat here.
76
00:03:49,767 --> 00:03:51,834
Okay, a deal's a deal.
77
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,701
Free pie.
78
00:03:55,934 --> 00:03:58,267
Sorry I'm late. The baby
kept me up all night.
79
00:03:58,334 --> 00:04:00,334
Well, you married him.
80
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,501
I was up all night, too.
Why?
81
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:05,367
'Cause Becky and Mark were having
a big fight in the next room,
82
00:04:05,434 --> 00:04:08,901
and it's hard to sleep when
you're wearing a stethoscope.
83
00:04:08,968 --> 00:04:11,767
My, they certainly have been
fighting a lot lately, hmm?
84
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,934
I try to get Becky to talk
about it, but she won't.
85
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,567
It's a shame when a daughter
won't talk to her mother
86
00:04:16,634 --> 00:04:18,467
about certain
marital problems.
87
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,601
You know!
88
00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:22,801
I never said that.
89
00:04:22,868 --> 00:04:25,300
You totally know.
What's goin' on?
90
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:28,234
Well, it's sort of
a bedroom thing.
91
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:29,934
I swore to Becky
I wouldn't tell.
92
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,300
Well, it's not my fault
93
00:04:31,367 --> 00:04:34,400
that you make promises
you can't keep.
94
00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:37,133
Well, there's really
nothing to tell
95
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,033
because there's
nothing to tell.
96
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,133
Nothing?
97
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,300
So...
how much nothing?
98
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,501
Like five weeks
of nothing,
99
00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:47,434
and when you're
trying to have a baby,
100
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,934
that is a whole lot
of nothing.
101
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,801
So Becky shut Mark down.
102
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:55,100
I wonder what
his brain's gonna do
103
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:56,901
with all that extra blood.
104
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:03,934
Yeah, I guess one could interpret
the situation in that way
105
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,300
if one only had
partial knowledge.
106
00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:07,300
Spill it.
107
00:05:07,367 --> 00:05:08,501
Well, um...
108
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:09,834
according to Becky,
109
00:05:09,901 --> 00:05:11,767
she is not the one
holding back.
110
00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:13,100
Wow. Really?
111
00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:15,767
Yes. Mark is just
not interested in sex.
112
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,033
Poor Becky.
113
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:19,567
Yeah. Now she'll have
to teach him to talk.
114
00:05:19,634 --> 00:05:22,267
But please don't tell
Becky that I told you,
115
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:23,567
because I promised.
116
00:05:23,634 --> 00:05:25,267
You know
I wouldn't do that.
117
00:05:25,334 --> 00:05:27,901
Besides, my word is every
bit as good as yours.
118
00:05:27,968 --> 00:05:31,334
I just think maybe
she felt more comfortable
119
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,400
talking to someone who might
understand her problem.
120
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:37,868
Oh, no way.
121
00:05:37,934 --> 00:05:39,767
Your kid's
7 months old,
122
00:05:39,834 --> 00:05:41,434
and you guys still
aren't doin' it?
123
00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:42,601
No, we're doing it,
124
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:45,067
but things have gotten
kind of rushed.
125
00:05:45,133 --> 00:05:47,467
Well, rushed is
kind of fun, you know.
126
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:50,934
Sometimes me and Dan try
to race the microwave popcorn.
127
00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:00,901
It's not fun
to rush every time.
128
00:06:00,968 --> 00:06:03,133
Fred is so nervous
about wakin' the baby up
129
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,934
that he is beginning to
gloss over some vital areas.
130
00:06:11,667 --> 00:06:13,968
Oh, my God.
Are you talking about-
131
00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:16,701
You mean he gets
in the elevator,
132
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:20,334
but he won't go down?
133
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:24,834
If I wasn't gay before,
I would be now.
134
00:06:27,434 --> 00:06:29,400
Well, if you
weren't gay before,
135
00:06:29,467 --> 00:06:33,367
then a whole bunch of guys
owe you a big apology.
136
00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:35,801
Hey, have you gotten
137
00:06:35,868 --> 00:06:37,701
to the really horny part
of pregnancy yet?
138
00:06:39,734 --> 00:06:42,868
Well, uh, you don't see
any delivery boys
139
00:06:42,934 --> 00:06:45,000
circling my house yet,
do you?
140
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:47,734
No, so-Well, that
must be tough on Dan
141
00:06:47,801 --> 00:06:49,234
if you're not
all that interested.
142
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:50,601
Yeah, he's convinced
143
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,267
that it's 'cause we're
stale, you know,
144
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:54,200
so he thinks he's
gettin' these big ideas
145
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:56,534
out of these crazy
men's magazines,
146
00:06:56,601 --> 00:06:57,934
stuff to try, you know,
147
00:06:58,033 --> 00:07:00,267
like, uh...
148
00:07:00,334 --> 00:07:04,033
last night, he wanted
to suck my toes.
149
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:05,567
Really?
150
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:07,067
Yeah.
151
00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:08,434
Did it get you
excited?
152
00:07:08,501 --> 00:07:10,267
No!
153
00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:11,567
But it got him goin'.
154
00:07:11,634 --> 00:07:14,601
No! Dan? No!
155
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:16,267
Yeah. Well, it turned out
pretty good,
156
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:18,434
but I wasn't gonna
kiss him after that.
157
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:30,801
Hello?
158
00:07:32,534 --> 00:07:34,300
Oh, uh, David Healy?
159
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:37,767
How do you girls keep
getting this phone number?
160
00:07:37,834 --> 00:07:40,400
We've had it changed
five times.
161
00:07:40,467 --> 00:07:42,801
Hey, it's a Betty Fuller,
162
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:45,200
and she wants you to go
have coffee with her.
163
00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:48,234
Uh, I don't drink coffee.
164
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,901
Coffee is just a code,
David.
165
00:07:50,968 --> 00:07:52,200
She's trying
to be ladylike.
166
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,734
She can't just come right out
and say "Nail me!"
167
00:07:57,367 --> 00:08:00,434
Please, Mrs. Conner,
just tell her I'm not in.
168
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,701
Uh, yeah, Betty, hi.
169
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:06,300
I'm sorry, but, uh,
David isn't here.
170
00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:08,534
Apparently,
he had an emergency
171
00:08:08,601 --> 00:08:11,501
slouch and mope seminar
to attend.
172
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:13,434
But I'll let him
know you called.
173
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:16,467
Thanks, I think.
174
00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:19,434
Why don't you
go out with her?
175
00:08:19,501 --> 00:08:20,734
Betty's a nice person.
176
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,968
I just don't think it would
work out with her.
177
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:25,133
Well, it doesn't have
to work out with her.
178
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,400
She's a practice girl.
179
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:28,567
You know, she's like
the frame that you bowl
180
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:31,801
before you actually
start keeping score.
181
00:08:31,868 --> 00:08:34,200
Look, I'm just not ready
to have coffee with someone.
182
00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:36,133
When I'm ready to have
coffee with someone,
183
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,534
then I'll have coffee
with someone.
184
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,501
Well, you better start
drinking coffee pretty soon,
185
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:42,734
or you're gonna end up alone in
your room grinding your own beans.
186
00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:47,100
Good afternoon, family...
187
00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:49,100
pseudo-family.
188
00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:50,601
Boy, do I feel good.
189
00:08:50,667 --> 00:08:53,767
Well, of course you do. You
haven't been here all day.
190
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,534
You are lookin' at a man
191
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:58,701
whose crew just finished the bi-yearly
maintenance on the school buses
192
00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:01,400
five-count 'em-
five days early.
193
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:03,601
City's so pleased,
they're talking bonus.
194
00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:06,501
It'll never happen,
but there is talk.
195
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,968
Well, um, David, could
you get out of here?
196
00:09:09,033 --> 00:09:11,234
'Cause I need to speak
to Mr. Conner alone.
197
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:14,200
Oh, Roseanne,
don't speak to me alone.
198
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:18,367
Not when I just finished the
school buses five days early.
199
00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:19,801
Mr. Conner
wants you to stay,
200
00:09:19,868 --> 00:09:21,467
and yet I want you
to leave.
201
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:23,234
Whatever
will you do?
202
00:09:29,801 --> 00:09:30,968
Oh, what?
203
00:09:31,033 --> 00:09:32,133
Okay, Becky and Mark,
204
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,567
they're having
all these sex problems,
205
00:09:33,634 --> 00:09:36,200
but after you talk to Mark,
then you fill me in.
206
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:40,067
I just remembered somethin' that I
have to deal with that isn't this.
207
00:09:40,133 --> 00:09:41,734
No, come on.
Now, this is serious
208
00:09:41,801 --> 00:09:43,801
because this could
split Becky and Mark up,
209
00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:45,634
and you know
how our daughters are-
210
00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:48,400
they dump 'em, and then
we're forced to raise 'em.
211
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,300
Why don't you talk
to Becky?
212
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,234
Because Becky isn't
the one havin' the problem.
213
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:56,067
Mark's the one
that won't put out.
214
00:09:56,133 --> 00:09:58,467
Whoa.
215
00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:02,534
Boy, am I swamped with
the noises in my head.
216
00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:04,267
Come on, Dan,
this is serious.
217
00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:06,000
He's gotta talk
to another man.
218
00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:07,400
No way.
219
00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:10,033
Men don't talk to each other
about this kind of stuff.
220
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:12,667
I thought you and Mark were
supposed to be good friends.
221
00:10:12,734 --> 00:10:13,968
We are friends.
222
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,234
You men. You say you have
these great friendships,
223
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:18,968
but all you really have
is just another hairy person
224
00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:21,200
to eat chips and itch with.
225
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:23,834
What could be better?
226
00:10:23,901 --> 00:10:25,834
You have to do it, Dan.
227
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:27,767
You have to do it
to help Becky.
228
00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:31,067
No. I helped my daughter
learn to walk.
229
00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:33,467
I helped my daughter
learn how to ride a bike.
230
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:35,133
I helped my daughter
with her homework.
231
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,067
But I refuse to help
my daughter get some.
232
00:10:46,801 --> 00:10:48,400
I'm tellin' you,
he could take him.
233
00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:51,300
You kiddin'? Never.
He could never take Tyson.
234
00:10:51,367 --> 00:10:53,968
I got to go with Bob on this
one. He looked pretty old.
235
00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:56,501
I'm not talkin'
about the Rocky in Rocky 5.
236
00:10:56,567 --> 00:10:58,434
I'm talkin' about
the Rocky in Rocky 1.
237
00:10:58,501 --> 00:11:00,734
You know,
the real Rocky.
238
00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:02,067
All right, I'll tell you
239
00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:04,501
who Rocky definitely
couldn't take: Terminator.
240
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:07,934
Oh, that's a completely
different thing.
241
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,434
The Terminator guy,
he's not even real.
242
00:11:12,868 --> 00:11:14,334
You know what, you guys?
243
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,267
You ever think
we spend too much time
244
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:17,467
talking about sports
and stuff?
245
00:11:17,534 --> 00:11:19,501
We never talk
about our relationships.
246
00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:25,167
Well...
247
00:11:25,234 --> 00:11:27,834
I'll tell you somethin'
about my wife.
248
00:11:27,901 --> 00:11:30,334
She could take Tyson
and the Terminator.
249
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:37,968
Hey, Dan, I'm serious. Maybe
we should open up a little.
250
00:11:38,033 --> 00:11:40,868
It wouldn't hurt us to talk about
personal things that really matter.
251
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:43,501
Well, I gotta
go to the can.
252
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:46,367
Can't get much more
personal than that.
253
00:11:46,434 --> 00:11:48,400
Hey, this is nuts, guys.
254
00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:49,868
I mean, we're all married.
255
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:52,100
We've all
got marital issues.
256
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:53,267
Fred-
257
00:11:53,334 --> 00:11:56,100
Like money and love... and sex.
258
00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:58,467
Fred, did Roseanne
get ahold of you?
259
00:11:59,734 --> 00:12:01,767
Now, take me and Jackie,
for instance.
260
00:12:01,834 --> 00:12:03,367
When we first got married,
261
00:12:03,434 --> 00:12:05,234
we had a lot of sex.
262
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,667
Then we went
through a period
263
00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:08,901
where we hardly had
any sex at all.
264
00:12:08,968 --> 00:12:11,367
Oh, dear God.
265
00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:14,634
Maybe you're the only
one of you not having sex.
266
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,667
What's that
supposed to mean?
267
00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:19,200
I mean maybe Jackie put
some more men on the job.
268
00:12:24,634 --> 00:12:27,300
Okay.
I gave it a shot.
269
00:12:27,367 --> 00:12:28,667
Let's just drop it.
270
00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:32,467
Uh, hit a little bit
too close to home, huh?
271
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,200
Not my home.
272
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:37,734
It's not my wife who said
she's not gettin' any.
273
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,300
What the hell
are you talkin' about?
274
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:46,634
I know what hasn't been goin'
on between you and Becky.
275
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,801
I told Roseanne we
shouldn't talk about this.
276
00:12:51,868 --> 00:12:53,000
I mean-
277
00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:56,801
Just screw
the both of youse.
278
00:12:59,701 --> 00:13:00,701
Dan.
279
00:13:00,767 --> 00:13:02,234
God, Fred, what
were you thinking?
280
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:03,434
I was tryin' to help.
281
00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:05,167
The guy's
obviously in pain.
282
00:13:05,234 --> 00:13:07,000
Well, he's
in a lot more now.
283
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:09,734
Mark, stop
punchin' that truck!
284
00:13:11,033 --> 00:13:13,567
How did Roseanne get you
to talk to him?
285
00:13:13,634 --> 00:13:15,334
I think she might
be right about this.
286
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,434
Maybe guys
should talk more
287
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:17,534
about
this kind of stuff.
288
00:13:17,601 --> 00:13:19,033
Wrong! We're guys.
289
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:20,234
When we talk about sex,
290
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,400
there should be bragging,
dirty jokes,
291
00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:24,701
and the occasional limerick.
That's it.
292
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:28,100
But women discuss everything,
and they live longer.
293
00:13:28,167 --> 00:13:29,300
No, they don't live longer.
294
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:30,868
We die sooner from boredom
295
00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:33,534
from listenin'
to their discussions.
296
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,567
I just think if we could talk
about more intimate stuff
297
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:40,734
the way that women do,
it would make us feel good.
298
00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:43,267
Like, I gotta try
to talk to Mark again.
299
00:13:43,334 --> 00:13:44,968
Fred, haven't you
been listenin' to me?
300
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,801
Why don't you
just stop and think?
301
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,934
Dan, look, if Mark's havin' a
little bit of trouble in the sack,
302
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,367
maybe he could
use some advice
303
00:13:51,434 --> 00:13:53,767
from a guy who's got
a pretty good track record
304
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,133
in that department.
305
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:58,234
Kinda counts you out,
doesn't it?
306
00:14:06,968 --> 00:14:08,667
Excuse me?
307
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:11,868
Come on, Fred,
we're communicating.
308
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:15,267
Doesn't that make you
feel just great?
309
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,534
Apparently,
it's not as great
310
00:14:17,601 --> 00:14:20,567
as Roseanne's toes
make you feel.
311
00:14:26,434 --> 00:14:28,067
Well, all I know is,
312
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:31,067
you're gonna flunk marriage
is you can't pass the oral.
313
00:14:38,801 --> 00:14:39,868
Oh, my God.
314
00:14:39,934 --> 00:14:41,067
Oh, we know too much,
315
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:43,000
we know too much,
we know too much.
316
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:44,167
Dan.
Fred.
317
00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:46,200
There is no graceful
way out of this,
318
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:47,634
so let's just...
319
00:14:49,934 --> 00:14:52,033
...look at our feet
and walk away.
320
00:15:06,267 --> 00:15:07,968
Get out and date.
321
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:10,834
I told you, Mrs. Conner,
I'm not ready.
322
00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:13,167
Well, I don't care
if you are. I am.
323
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:14,601
So I went
through your yearbook,
324
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,834
and I circled all the girls
that looked desperate.
325
00:15:20,367 --> 00:15:23,133
You circled
all the cafeteria ladies.
326
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,100
Well, try to ignore
the hairnets.
327
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:41,100
Guess... what...
happened... today.
328
00:15:43,868 --> 00:15:48,801
Everyone...
talked... real... slow.
329
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,234
How dare you!
330
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:55,167
Because I felt like it,
that's why!
331
00:15:55,234 --> 00:15:56,934
You know what I'm
talkin' about?
332
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,901
No, but I
don't like your tone!
333
00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:05,100
I'm talkin' about you
tellin' Jackie about-
334
00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:07,767
...the other night.
335
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,467
That?
336
00:16:09,534 --> 00:16:11,167
Yes, that!
337
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:15,100
What goes on in our bedroom is sacred.
338
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,234
Oh, yeah. That's from
the Old Testament, right?
339
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,801
A toe for a toe.
340
00:16:19,868 --> 00:16:22,667
Shut up with that!
341
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:25,467
Now... thanks to you,
342
00:16:25,534 --> 00:16:28,634
Mark and Fred and I now
know stuff about each other
343
00:16:28,701 --> 00:16:31,501
that no guy should ever
know about another guy.
344
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:34,734
And what's worse, we
all know that we know.
345
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,968
Well, it's not easy
being a woman, is it, Dan?
346
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:41,200
You just don't get it,
do you?
347
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:44,067
It's gonna take years of us
guys not talkin' to each other
348
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,501
to get back
to where we were.
349
00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:48,667
Why don't you all
just cut your tongues out?
350
00:16:48,734 --> 00:16:52,100
We all know that Fred
doesn't need his.
351
00:16:56,801 --> 00:17:00,667
That's it. I can play this
little game, too, Roseanne.
352
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:04,300
How would you like it if I told
everyone our personal stuff?
353
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:06,133
What
if I told everybody
354
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,901
that you're not too
interested in sex lately?
355
00:17:08,968 --> 00:17:10,834
Well, yeah, why don't you
go tell everybody
356
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:12,701
that your wife turns you on
all the time for sex?
357
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:15,567
That'd really embarrass me.
358
00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:19,133
This sucks.
359
00:17:20,734 --> 00:17:22,567
Fine, Mark,
you drive off!
360
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:23,734
You jerk!
361
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:27,834
I can't believe
Aunt Jackie.
362
00:17:27,901 --> 00:17:29,868
I confided
a huge secret to her,
363
00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:31,534
and then she went
and told Fred.
364
00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:33,033
Now Mark
is madder than ever.
365
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,968
I know. We all know.
366
00:17:36,434 --> 00:17:37,868
What?
367
00:17:37,934 --> 00:17:40,501
Well, your aunt Jackie
is a huge blabbermouth,
368
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,234
and she tells everybody
everything!
369
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,400
You should hear what she
told about your father!
370
00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:45,667
Roseanne!
371
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,267
This is great. So...
372
00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:53,000
everyone knows that my
husband finds me repulsive.
373
00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:55,300
Oh, Becky,
nobody thinks that.
374
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:57,267
Just leave me
alone.
375
00:17:58,934 --> 00:18:01,067
Well,
I hope you're happy.
376
00:18:01,133 --> 00:18:03,868
You just managed to make
everyone's life worse.
377
00:18:03,934 --> 00:18:07,601
Yes,
and I'm exhausted!
378
00:18:07,667 --> 00:18:10,234
I could use
a little help next time!
379
00:18:17,334 --> 00:18:19,467
Hi. I brought you up
some dinner.
380
00:18:19,534 --> 00:18:21,133
Everybody was
real hungry, though,
381
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,267
so it's mostly just peas.
382
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:25,968
I don't want any.
383
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:35,834
Becky, remember when you
were a little girl
384
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,767
and, um,
I used to come up here
385
00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:39,467
and sit on the bed
with you
386
00:18:39,534 --> 00:18:41,133
and I used to
brush your hair
387
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,067
and you'd tell me
about all the stuff
388
00:18:43,133 --> 00:18:45,300
that happened to you
that day in school?
389
00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:46,968
We never did that.
390
00:18:47,033 --> 00:18:49,968
Well,
I always wanted to.
391
00:18:50,033 --> 00:18:52,300
Mom,
I should be studying.
392
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,634
You know, Becky, this problem
that you and Mark are having-
393
00:18:57,701 --> 00:19:00,400
Mom, I'm really not comfortable
talking about this with you.
394
00:19:00,467 --> 00:19:02,834
Well, why not? We're two
married, mature women,
395
00:19:02,901 --> 00:19:06,200
and I think that we can
talk about, you know... it.
396
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,634
Mom...
397
00:19:07,701 --> 00:19:10,267
It's one of the great things
about being women, you know?
398
00:19:10,334 --> 00:19:11,801
We can talk intimately
399
00:19:11,868 --> 00:19:14,267
in a way that men can't.
You know...
400
00:19:14,334 --> 00:19:15,400
sober.
401
00:19:17,267 --> 00:19:20,467
Mom, I'm pretty sure I know
what Mark's problem is.
402
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,567
He's feeling like I'm
moving away from him
403
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:24,501
because I'm going
to school and he's not.
404
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:27,667
Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
405
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,334
That's-
That's really good.
406
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,968
I know
this is not my fault.
407
00:19:31,033 --> 00:19:32,367
I mean, Mark's
just feeling insecure,
408
00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:33,968
and he needs
to work it out.
409
00:19:34,033 --> 00:19:35,767
Well-
Well, that's great.
410
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:36,868
See? See?
411
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:40,434
This kind of girl talk
can really help a lot.
412
00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:43,100
Well, I got most
of that stuff from David.
413
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,901
You girl-talked with David?
414
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:50,567
Talkin' to David made me
feel a lot better.
415
00:19:50,634 --> 00:19:53,501
I bet it made you feel
a lot taller, too.
416
00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:55,801
You ready to go?
417
00:19:55,868 --> 00:19:56,934
Where you goin'?
418
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,267
Just to talk.
David's really sweet.
419
00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:02,000
Well, I'm sweet. How come
nobody ever talks to me?
420
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:05,334
We're just gonna go
have some coffee.
421
00:20:06,868 --> 00:20:09,767
David is not
ready for coffee.
422
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:12,534
Yeah, I think I am.
423
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,734
Don't you think you should be
having coffee with your own husband?
424
00:20:15,801 --> 00:20:17,634
Mark doesn't
want any.
425
00:20:17,701 --> 00:20:19,767
Hey, if Mark's not
interested in having coffee,
426
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,834
then I'll have
coffee with her.
427
00:20:33,968 --> 00:20:36,234
Well, I had to hear it
again from Dan last night.
428
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,467
I don't cuddle enough.
429
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:41,767
Oh, man! Cuddling?
430
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:46,167
I hate it.
431
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:48,501
I work hard all day.
432
00:20:48,567 --> 00:20:51,000
I come home...
I want my dinner...
433
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:54,033
...little
zip-a-dee-doo-dah...
434
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:59,367
...slap him on the ass,
I'm out like a light.
435
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:07,868
I always take a couple
extra minutes with Dan,
436
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,434
you know,
to finish him off.
437
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:12,300
Otherwise, I have to lay
there and listen to him gripe.
438
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:14,701
Daaahhh!
439
00:21:14,767 --> 00:21:16,834
Fred. I really feel bad
440
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:19,200
about what happened at
the garage the other day.
441
00:21:20,501 --> 00:21:23,200
I know. I really
hurt you, Mark.
442
00:21:24,934 --> 00:21:26,200
I wanted to call you,
443
00:21:26,267 --> 00:21:28,234
but I just didn't
feel like I could.
444
00:21:29,968 --> 00:21:32,167
You can call me, Fred,
anytime. You know that.
445
00:21:32,234 --> 00:21:34,067
Even if
it's just to talk.
446
00:21:34,133 --> 00:21:37,901
Well, you see, Mark, we don't
always get that from you.
447
00:21:37,968 --> 00:21:40,167
I mean, sometimes
you seem so...
448
00:21:40,234 --> 00:21:41,167
distant.
449
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:45,067
I know, and I-
I don't mean to be.
450
00:21:47,133 --> 00:21:49,133
Oh, this
is delicious, Dan.
451
00:21:54,634 --> 00:21:56,400
Yeah, but
how many calories?
452
00:21:57,968 --> 00:21:59,601
Oh, like you
should worry.
453
00:22:03,501 --> 00:22:05,868
Hey, now, I got
my problem areas.
454
00:22:05,934 --> 00:22:08,634
Oh, please! I would trade my waistline
455
00:22:08,701 --> 00:22:10,267
for your thighs
any day.
456
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:15,634
Why don't you roosters
give it a rest, huh?
457
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:18,567
There'll be plenty to
gossip about tomorrow.
458
00:22:20,567 --> 00:22:22,100
Roseanne, please.
459
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,868
And while, uh, we're on
the subject there, cupcake,
460
00:22:28,934 --> 00:22:31,767
I think you could
do without that pudding.
461
00:22:39,367 --> 00:22:42,467
Why must you always embarrass
me in front of my friends?!
462
00:22:54,601 --> 00:22:57,534
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