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1
00:00:51,864 --> 00:00:52,865
All right, Chevy.
2
00:00:53,782 --> 00:00:55,826
Chevy, you're very handsome.
3
00:00:55,826 --> 00:00:57,578
- Stop it.
- How did you become so funny?
4
00:00:57,578 --> 00:00:58,745
What was the first part?
5
00:00:59,872 --> 00:01:02,249
Lorne said if I just stared
into the camera,
6
00:01:02,249 --> 00:01:03,917
that'd take a lot of guts.
7
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:10,757
"There were bells on the hill,
but I never heard them ringing."
8
00:01:12,551 --> 00:01:13,802
Action, Laraine.
9
00:01:21,351 --> 00:01:22,352
Hi.
10
00:01:23,186 --> 00:01:25,022
Did I spell your name right?
11
00:01:28,025 --> 00:01:30,360
I'm Garrett Morris talking
to all you white Americans...
12
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,988
about the way Black people
have been treated in America.
13
00:01:33,488 --> 00:01:36,783
Now, I know a lot of you
feel guilty, and you should.
14
00:01:38,952 --> 00:01:41,872
You see, having a catheter...
15
00:01:42,039 --> 00:01:43,957
a lot of people
think it's funny.
16
00:01:44,124 --> 00:01:46,752
And they like to see me dance.
17
00:01:48,545 --> 00:01:52,257
Now, I look up, and I see it
coming down now, real quick...
18
00:01:52,424 --> 00:01:53,717
and I see discs.
19
00:01:53,884 --> 00:01:55,093
Whirlin' discs!
20
00:01:56,011 --> 00:01:57,054
- Really?
- All right.
21
00:01:57,221 --> 00:01:58,513
Radney?
22
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,557
I'm not gonna talk about... No.
23
00:02:01,016 --> 00:02:03,018
Whirlin'. Whirlin' around,
whirlin' around.
24
00:02:03,018 --> 00:02:04,353
I see all kinds of lights.
Then they just drop me.
25
00:02:04,519 --> 00:02:06,980
In order to get that much iron,
you probably have to overeat.
26
00:02:07,147 --> 00:02:10,859
Send your check or money order
to White Guilt Relief Fund.
27
00:02:11,026 --> 00:02:13,028
We're ready? Should we go?
28
00:02:17,407 --> 00:02:18,700
{\an8}Free show!
29
00:02:20,327 --> 00:02:22,287
Plenty of tickets left, guys!
Free show!
30
00:02:22,829 --> 00:02:23,830
No?
31
00:02:24,623 --> 00:02:26,291
Hey, free show, man.
32
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,461
Hey, sir, free comedy show?
Plenty of seats.
33
00:02:29,628 --> 00:02:31,380
Perfect for date night!
34
00:02:33,549 --> 00:02:36,385
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular...
35
00:02:36,552 --> 00:02:39,096
"featuring a parade of comedy...
36
00:02:39,263 --> 00:02:40,639
"and musical acts
ripped from the charts."
37
00:02:41,932 --> 00:02:43,183
Jesus Christ.
38
00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:44,685
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"
39
00:02:47,145 --> 00:02:48,689
Hey, man! You okay?
40
00:02:50,524 --> 00:02:52,442
Maybe ask me again
in 90 minutes.
41
00:02:53,110 --> 00:02:54,528
Why? What happens in 90 minutes?
42
00:02:55,112 --> 00:02:56,113
We go live.
43
00:02:56,655 --> 00:02:59,074
Wow. Far out, man. Congrats.
Miss?
44
00:02:59,241 --> 00:03:00,993
- Thank you.
- Hey, wait. If it's live,
45
00:03:01,159 --> 00:03:02,703
then why the hell
are you down here?
46
00:03:02,870 --> 00:03:04,663
- Free show. For fuck's sake.
- I'm...
47
00:03:04,830 --> 00:03:06,206
- Mr. Michaels?
- ...waiting for...
48
00:03:07,583 --> 00:03:09,793
It's 10 o'clock, Andy.
Here. Come on.
49
00:03:10,252 --> 00:03:11,837
Where do I park?
50
00:03:12,004 --> 00:03:14,339
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."
51
00:03:14,506 --> 00:03:15,883
Just pick him up at 1:00,
Mrs. Kaufman.
52
00:03:15,883 --> 00:03:16,967
Do you like my suit?
53
00:03:17,134 --> 00:03:18,176
- Very elegant, Andy.
- Take care of my Andy!
54
00:03:18,343 --> 00:03:19,887
This is my favorite suit.
55
00:03:20,053 --> 00:03:22,014
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"
56
00:03:23,056 --> 00:03:24,099
Bye. Bye, Mommy.
57
00:03:24,266 --> 00:03:25,893
- Bye, honey. I love you!
- Andy, come on.
58
00:03:32,649 --> 00:03:33,650
Andy, please, come on.
59
00:03:33,817 --> 00:03:35,402
This is beautiful.
60
00:03:35,569 --> 00:03:36,570
Yeah.
61
00:03:36,820 --> 00:03:37,821
You know, actually, down there
62
00:03:37,821 --> 00:03:38,906
is where Diego Rivera
was hired...
63
00:03:39,072 --> 00:03:41,283
to paint a fresco
for the American worker.
64
00:03:41,450 --> 00:03:42,492
I cannot see this.
65
00:03:42,659 --> 00:03:44,578
Well, no one can
because Diego was a commie...
66
00:03:44,745 --> 00:03:46,246
and added Vladimir Lenin
in the middle of the night...
67
00:03:46,246 --> 00:03:47,623
so the Rockefellers
had it plastered over.
68
00:03:47,623 --> 00:03:48,707
Deliveries use the back.
69
00:03:48,707 --> 00:03:50,000
- I'm producer of the show.
- Where's your badge?
70
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,293
- My...
- Where's his badge?
71
00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:52,377
Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.
72
00:03:52,377 --> 00:03:53,462
I'm the producer
of Saturday Night.
73
00:03:53,462 --> 00:03:54,630
- The whole night?
- Hey! Hey! He's good.
74
00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:56,340
- Yeah, I'm producing every show.
- He's good. He's good.
75
00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:57,716
- I'm good, you see?
- Let him in. Let him in.
76
00:03:57,716 --> 00:03:58,800
Live on a Saturday night?
Must be some show.
77
00:03:58,800 --> 00:03:59,885
I'm good. Andy, please.
78
00:03:59,885 --> 00:04:01,220
Hey, you're doing a great job.
Really. Great stuff.
79
00:04:01,220 --> 00:04:02,596
What kind of name
is "Saturday Night"?
80
00:04:02,596 --> 00:04:04,932
- Andy, come on. Please.
- Okay. We rushing.
81
00:04:05,098 --> 00:04:06,391
Eighth floor, and book it.
82
00:04:06,558 --> 00:04:08,143
Put on your seat belts.
83
00:04:10,604 --> 00:04:12,397
So, big night.
84
00:04:12,564 --> 00:04:13,857
Andy, have you had dinner?
85
00:04:14,399 --> 00:04:16,193
Yes, I had spaghetti.
86
00:04:16,359 --> 00:04:17,361
That sounds delicious.
87
00:04:17,527 --> 00:04:19,238
Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls
from upstairs.
88
00:04:19,238 --> 00:04:20,364
You ordered a llama?
89
00:04:20,531 --> 00:04:21,532
A llama?
90
00:04:21,698 --> 00:04:23,992
Yeah. We all decided it was
much funnier than a donkey.
91
00:04:24,159 --> 00:04:25,410
Right. Just the guys
down at the loading dock
92
00:04:25,410 --> 00:04:27,037
weren't expecting,
you know, livestock.
93
00:04:27,204 --> 00:04:29,414
Well, NBC did ask for something
fresh and unexpected.
94
00:04:29,581 --> 00:04:30,874
That is true. That's true.
95
00:04:31,124 --> 00:04:32,167
Just, you know,
they also weren't
96
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:33,252
expecting you to demand...
97
00:04:33,418 --> 00:04:35,671
an overhaul in the entire
lighting and sound package.
98
00:04:37,381 --> 00:04:39,591
Did anyone ask Edison
what a light bulb was
99
00:04:39,758 --> 00:04:41,218
before he harnessed electricity?
100
00:04:42,719 --> 00:04:44,388
Who are you in the metaphor?
101
00:04:45,138 --> 00:04:46,598
The light bulb?
102
00:04:47,015 --> 00:04:48,559
We can't expect people
to recognize
103
00:04:48,725 --> 00:04:49,851
something they've
never seen before.
104
00:04:50,018 --> 00:04:51,395
Right. Okay. Yes.
You're correct.
105
00:04:51,562 --> 00:04:52,813
But just,
how about a final script?
106
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:53,981
It's not that kind of show.
107
00:04:54,147 --> 00:04:55,524
Okay. Well,
what kind of show is it, Lorne?
108
00:04:55,691 --> 00:04:56,859
Do you even know
what the show is?
109
00:04:57,025 --> 00:04:58,026
Of course.
110
00:04:58,735 --> 00:05:00,070
Are you gonna share it
with the rest of us?
111
00:05:00,237 --> 00:05:01,238
Yes.
112
00:05:02,573 --> 00:05:03,574
In 88 minutes.
113
00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:04,741
Oh, my God.
114
00:05:05,868 --> 00:05:07,202
Have you tested
the quality of the sound system?
115
00:05:07,369 --> 00:05:08,453
- No, I haven't.
- 'Cause the speakers...
116
00:05:08,620 --> 00:05:10,414
look leftover
from Arturo Toscanini.
117
00:05:10,581 --> 00:05:11,707
I mean,
that's not really my job.
118
00:05:11,874 --> 00:05:13,083
Lorne,
did you order more lights?
119
00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:14,251
Of course.
120
00:05:14,918 --> 00:05:16,003
Is this your card?
121
00:05:16,003 --> 00:05:17,087
How'd he do that?
122
00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:18,505
He's a fuckin' magician,
numb nuts.
123
00:05:18,672 --> 00:05:20,215
- Hey, Neil?
- Hey.
124
00:05:20,382 --> 00:05:22,551
You got to be right by my side,
man. Locked to my hip.
125
00:05:22,551 --> 00:05:23,927
Remember, when you're here,
you're not my cousin...
126
00:05:23,927 --> 00:05:25,220
you're my executive assistant.
You're important.
127
00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:26,388
Really? Like in the credits
it will say that?
128
00:05:26,388 --> 00:05:27,598
Well, no,
but you and I will know.
129
00:05:27,598 --> 00:05:28,682
They're looking for you
in the control room.
130
00:05:28,682 --> 00:05:30,893
Also, Belushi hasn't signed
his contract yet?
131
00:05:30,893 --> 00:05:32,603
- And the llama has arrived.
- Great. Thanks, Barbara.
132
00:05:32,603 --> 00:05:34,855
Neil, memo. We need to reeducate
the NBC Pages on the show.
133
00:05:34,855 --> 00:05:35,939
You should've heard
the guy outside.
134
00:05:35,939 --> 00:05:37,024
What the hell is this?
135
00:05:37,024 --> 00:05:39,318
Saturday Night, it's a new kind
of entertainment.
136
00:05:39,318 --> 00:05:42,529
It's abstract and defiant.
Avant-garde yet blue collar...
137
00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:50,412
Gilda, come on.
We need you for rehearsal.
138
00:05:52,331 --> 00:05:54,249
Be careful.
They're still drying.
139
00:05:54,416 --> 00:05:56,001
This is monumental work, Edie.
140
00:05:56,168 --> 00:05:58,587
Mr. Gresner, would you please
tell our studio audience...
141
00:05:58,754 --> 00:06:00,297
Jane, you're still attached.
142
00:06:00,464 --> 00:06:03,300
...just how you became a victim
of a shark bite?
143
00:06:04,176 --> 00:06:05,761
You are so fluffy.
144
00:06:05,928 --> 00:06:07,054
Hey, come on, Andy.
145
00:06:07,554 --> 00:06:09,389
You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle?
146
00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:11,683
He has ways
of making the animals talk?
147
00:06:11,850 --> 00:06:13,060
I'll check
with the run-of-show board.
148
00:06:13,227 --> 00:06:15,229
Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.
149
00:06:15,395 --> 00:06:16,772
I don't know
what to tell you, fellas.
150
00:06:16,772 --> 00:06:17,981
How do you lose
28 gallons of blood?
151
00:06:19,566 --> 00:06:21,777
85 minutes till showtime.
152
00:06:21,944 --> 00:06:24,821
Come on, guys. These transitions
need to be crisp.
153
00:06:24,988 --> 00:06:27,199
Pretend like there's a hooker
holding a sandwich
154
00:06:27,199 --> 00:06:28,450
waiting for you stage right.
155
00:06:28,617 --> 00:06:30,244
We still need
to rehearse five sketches.
156
00:06:30,244 --> 00:06:32,287
Are we any closer
on lighting cues?
157
00:06:32,454 --> 00:06:34,164
Hey, Schiller.
What are you up to?
158
00:06:34,331 --> 00:06:36,708
I'm burning sage.
Removing demons.
159
00:06:36,875 --> 00:06:38,126
Garrett don't do voodoo.
160
00:06:38,293 --> 00:06:39,962
Peter packed
a peck of pickled peckers.
161
00:06:40,128 --> 00:06:42,506
Andy, this is Billy Crystal
and Valri Bromfield.
162
00:06:42,673 --> 00:06:43,840
- They're both in the show.
- Andy!
163
00:06:44,007 --> 00:06:46,051
They're both very nice.
Please stay with them, okay?
164
00:06:46,218 --> 00:06:48,095
Listen, Andy is
a certifiable comedic genius.
165
00:06:48,262 --> 00:06:49,263
- He is redefining the form.
- Nice to meet you, Andy.
166
00:06:49,429 --> 00:06:51,431
I mean, we are
in the presence of greatness.
167
00:06:53,058 --> 00:06:54,142
Where is the bathroom?
168
00:06:54,142 --> 00:06:55,519
Neil, can you show Andy
to the washroom?
169
00:06:55,519 --> 00:06:57,229
- Yeah. Yeah.
- There you are. Lorne. I can't
170
00:06:57,229 --> 00:06:58,772
- authorize the purchase...
- Dick. Dick.
171
00:06:58,772 --> 00:07:00,190
...of an antique chandelier.
172
00:07:00,190 --> 00:07:01,275
Jim has a question
about something.
173
00:07:01,275 --> 00:07:02,568
- Here. Let's step over here.
- He's out of control.
174
00:07:02,568 --> 00:07:04,319
- Okay. I understand.
- This isn't a budget.
175
00:07:04,319 --> 00:07:05,404
It's a ransom note.
176
00:07:05,404 --> 00:07:06,530
Someone asked for last
Friday's Johnny Carson?
177
00:07:06,530 --> 00:07:07,698
Where the fuck you been,
Charlie?
178
00:07:07,698 --> 00:07:08,782
Sorry, I've been busy.
179
00:07:08,782 --> 00:07:09,867
I'll be back
in a little bit, okay?
180
00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:11,326
Hope I still have a job
when he's gone next week.
181
00:07:11,326 --> 00:07:13,036
Okey-dokes. So, as it stands...
182
00:07:13,203 --> 00:07:15,455
we have four host monologues,
two stand-ups...
183
00:07:15,622 --> 00:07:17,541
two musical guests,
each with two performances...
184
00:07:17,708 --> 00:07:19,001
a solo piece for Andy Kaufman...
185
00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:21,295
five parody commercials,
Weekend Update...
186
00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:22,504
a film by Albert Brooks...
187
00:07:22,671 --> 00:07:25,090
Jim Henson's Muppet... thing.
188
00:07:25,257 --> 00:07:27,259
Not to mention seven sketches.
189
00:07:27,426 --> 00:07:28,802
- Something for everybody.
- Yeah, it's a lot of show.
190
00:07:28,969 --> 00:07:30,304
- It won't fit.
- We don't know that.
191
00:07:30,470 --> 00:07:32,973
I know that. The dress rehearsal
was three hours.
192
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,141
Audrey thinks we're tight.
193
00:07:34,308 --> 00:07:36,476
Audrey thinks it's time to make
some tough decisions, actually.
194
00:07:36,643 --> 00:07:37,644
Lorne, just cut some things.
195
00:07:37,811 --> 00:07:39,271
- No. We will, but...
- Am I still in the show?
196
00:07:42,399 --> 00:07:43,859
Jesus Christ.
197
00:07:44,026 --> 00:07:46,153
- Sorry. Tripped over my penis.
- Still on the show, Chev.
198
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,821
I know.
Hey, you remember Jackie.
199
00:07:47,988 --> 00:07:49,198
- My girlfriend.
- Fiancée.
200
00:07:49,364 --> 00:07:50,407
It looks expensive.
201
00:07:50,407 --> 00:07:51,491
She is.
202
00:07:51,491 --> 00:07:52,576
It is.
203
00:07:52,576 --> 00:07:53,744
I never know
when you're kidding.
204
00:07:53,744 --> 00:07:54,828
Hey, Chev, can I...
205
00:07:54,995 --> 00:07:56,413
Can you show a little goodwill
to your co-star?
206
00:07:56,580 --> 00:07:57,915
Who? Belushi?
207
00:07:58,081 --> 00:08:00,417
God! God!
What the fuck's the matter now?
208
00:08:00,584 --> 00:08:02,085
I think
it's just a new dynamic and...
209
00:08:02,252 --> 00:08:03,462
there are a lot
of expectations for every...
210
00:08:03,462 --> 00:08:04,546
I'll tell you what the issue is.
211
00:08:04,713 --> 00:08:06,381
We're not doing
a radio hour anymore
212
00:08:06,381 --> 00:08:07,799
and he's built like
an Albanian cheeseburger.
213
00:08:07,966 --> 00:08:10,219
Chevy can't help if people
are responding to his face.
214
00:08:10,385 --> 00:08:11,511
I mean, I could, but I won't.
215
00:08:11,678 --> 00:08:13,013
Right. Well, no one's asking you
216
00:08:13,013 --> 00:08:14,640
to deny your own magnetism,
Chevy.
217
00:08:14,806 --> 00:08:16,433
Maybe there's other roles
for John to play.
218
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,435
Like a hobo. Or a troll.
219
00:08:18,602 --> 00:08:20,938
Or a fire hydrant.
Or a Volkswagen.
220
00:08:21,104 --> 00:08:23,106
Or a hemorrhoid.
221
00:08:23,565 --> 00:08:25,817
- You're looking sharp, Patches.
- What?
222
00:08:26,235 --> 00:08:28,612
- You have to cut something.
- Yeah. Yeah.
223
00:08:32,031 --> 00:08:33,408
- Neil?
- Yeah!
224
00:08:33,574 --> 00:08:35,660
Get me a key to this door.
In fact...
225
00:08:36,078 --> 00:08:37,496
I want keys to all the doors.
226
00:08:37,663 --> 00:08:38,997
In the building?
227
00:08:39,164 --> 00:08:40,874
- If you can.
- Yeah.
228
00:08:43,794 --> 00:08:45,712
Frame up on the shot, okay,
Cameron?
229
00:08:46,171 --> 00:08:47,172
That's good.
230
00:08:47,422 --> 00:08:49,967
Ready camera 2. That looks okay.
231
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:51,051
Hey, guys.
232
00:08:51,218 --> 00:08:52,761
Hey, Lorne.
Can you get down or around?
233
00:08:52,928 --> 00:08:54,388
Down in front.
234
00:08:55,305 --> 00:08:56,306
Dave, how're we looking?
235
00:08:56,473 --> 00:08:57,474
Good, good, good. Good, good.
236
00:08:57,641 --> 00:09:00,060
Still working on the 47 notes
you gave me on your last visit.
237
00:09:00,477 --> 00:09:02,729
Okay. How's the morale looking
out there?
238
00:09:03,146 --> 00:09:04,147
"Morale"?
239
00:09:04,898 --> 00:09:07,359
I think I can speak
for the entire crew...
240
00:09:07,526 --> 00:09:11,780
when I say this is exactly where
we want to be on Saturday night.
241
00:09:13,282 --> 00:09:14,950
- Okay. Great.
- Yeah. Yeah.
242
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:17,786
Rocky! Wake up, will you?
243
00:09:18,287 --> 00:09:21,456
Give me lights 25B, 25C!
244
00:09:23,292 --> 00:09:25,460
Half down on 31! That's 32!
245
00:09:25,627 --> 00:09:27,296
You've done this before, right?
246
00:09:27,462 --> 00:09:28,463
Man, that's a lot of lights.
247
00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:30,215
Charlie, you're gonna drop
a testicle lifting that thing.
248
00:09:30,382 --> 00:09:31,383
Good job, Charlie.
249
00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:32,551
All right. Quiet, please!
250
00:09:32,718 --> 00:09:35,429
Here we go. Rehearsal's up.
Actors on their marks.
251
00:09:35,596 --> 00:09:36,889
All right. Hey, guys.
252
00:09:37,055 --> 00:09:39,308
We only have two minutes
of commercials...
253
00:09:39,474 --> 00:09:41,852
to make it from stage right
to stage left.
254
00:09:42,019 --> 00:09:43,604
Anybody know the load bearing
on the booms?
255
00:09:43,770 --> 00:09:45,689
- Hello, fellas.
- What's up, Joe?
256
00:09:45,856 --> 00:09:47,482
Can I get you anything?
Refreshment?
257
00:09:47,649 --> 00:09:48,942
- Mai Tai?
- I'll take a Schaefer.
258
00:09:49,109 --> 00:09:50,944
Try and at least act like
you're fucking working, please.
259
00:09:51,111 --> 00:09:52,404
John, thank you
for your patience.
260
00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:53,488
Moments away, okay?
261
00:09:54,865 --> 00:09:57,618
All right. Next card.
"Al 'Bud' Franken."
262
00:09:58,285 --> 00:09:59,578
Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis."
263
00:09:59,745 --> 00:10:01,705
Okay. So, this is a bit?
264
00:10:01,872 --> 00:10:03,916
Look, I don't get
half the shit that they do.
265
00:10:04,082 --> 00:10:06,043
Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..."
266
00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:09,296
Lorne, is Rosie going
with Michaels or Shuster?
267
00:10:10,088 --> 00:10:12,591
- That's a good question.
- Should I ask Rosie?
268
00:10:12,591 --> 00:10:14,259
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.
269
00:10:14,426 --> 00:10:16,178
- All right.
- Stew, that's good.
270
00:10:16,345 --> 00:10:17,638
That's actually looking good.
271
00:10:18,138 --> 00:10:19,598
A little more over.
272
00:10:20,015 --> 00:10:21,099
She's been at it for hours.
273
00:10:21,099 --> 00:10:22,559
She's simply doing her job.
274
00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:23,894
We have to comply
with NBC standards.
275
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:25,187
Well, I refuse to comply.
276
00:10:25,187 --> 00:10:26,563
Mr. O'Donoghue.
277
00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:31,235
On page 12, what is clam diving?
278
00:10:33,195 --> 00:10:36,031
I believe
the act of harvesting mollusks.
279
00:10:36,198 --> 00:10:37,824
Stew! You're killing me here.
280
00:10:37,824 --> 00:10:39,243
I just need the lights
for Home Invasion.
281
00:10:39,409 --> 00:10:41,036
Talk to the wonder kid!
He's trying to light
282
00:10:41,036 --> 00:10:42,955
- Jesus Christ Superstar!
- Those are excuses.
283
00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:44,623
Four people up there,
get them lit.
284
00:10:44,790 --> 00:10:47,584
I'm glad you're having fun,
but this isn't helpful.
285
00:10:47,751 --> 00:10:49,920
If that piglet
disfigures my work...
286
00:10:50,087 --> 00:10:52,714
I'm gonna turn her uterus
into a sock puppet.
287
00:10:52,881 --> 00:10:55,050
What is "Zipper Dinner"?
288
00:11:00,138 --> 00:11:02,099
How many of these
did you hide in the script?
289
00:11:02,266 --> 00:11:04,977
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.
290
00:11:05,143 --> 00:11:06,436
I know what blue balls are.
291
00:11:06,603 --> 00:11:07,604
You don't say.
292
00:11:08,188 --> 00:11:10,607
Come on, people, move
with purpose. Let's do this.
293
00:11:10,774 --> 00:11:13,026
Al, is that your one?
Come on, give it.
294
00:11:13,193 --> 00:11:15,904
All right. Quiet, please!
Rehearsal is up.
295
00:11:15,904 --> 00:11:17,281
Assault and burglary.
296
00:11:17,281 --> 00:11:19,157
Okay. Actors on your marks, please.
297
00:11:19,324 --> 00:11:20,409
Cameras on their marks.
298
00:11:20,409 --> 00:11:21,493
- Here we go.
- Hey.
299
00:11:26,373 --> 00:11:28,417
Okay! Let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.
300
00:11:28,584 --> 00:11:30,085
Sketches! Davy, please.
301
00:11:30,085 --> 00:11:31,169
And action on rehearsals.
302
00:11:31,169 --> 00:11:32,796
Okay. Ready, Camera One?
Take Camera One.
303
00:11:34,089 --> 00:11:37,342
Look, honey. Boeing Boeing with
Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes.
304
00:11:37,509 --> 00:11:39,636
Ready, Camera Two?
Take Camera Two.
305
00:11:40,053 --> 00:11:42,055
Sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just gonna...
306
00:11:42,222 --> 00:11:44,308
have another glass
of diet root beer
307
00:11:44,308 --> 00:11:45,976
and go to bed, okay?
308
00:11:47,769 --> 00:11:49,688
- Aykroyd!
- Cue, Danny.
309
00:11:54,234 --> 00:11:55,235
What's the problem?
310
00:11:55,402 --> 00:11:56,612
What's going on, Dan?
311
00:11:57,070 --> 00:11:58,405
It's a little lodged.
312
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:00,741
Hi, there!
313
00:12:00,908 --> 00:12:01,992
Please do not be alarmed.
314
00:12:02,159 --> 00:12:03,911
This is only a simulated
assault and burglary.
315
00:12:04,077 --> 00:12:06,330
Repeat. This is a simulated
assault and burglary.
316
00:12:06,496 --> 00:12:08,123
This could happen to you
at any time. In fact...
317
00:12:08,123 --> 00:12:09,249
- it just has.
- Call the police!
318
00:12:09,249 --> 00:12:10,334
No, no!
319
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,419
Don't call the police.
I am the police.
320
00:12:12,586 --> 00:12:13,587
Well, I might be, anyway.
321
00:12:14,755 --> 00:12:16,590
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer...
- Hold!
322
00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:18,884
Aykroyd, one giant step
to the right, please.
323
00:12:19,218 --> 00:12:20,219
Yeah. My right?
324
00:12:20,219 --> 00:12:21,428
- Yes.
- Sure.
325
00:12:21,595 --> 00:12:23,263
Say, man, you want me
to say anything in this?
326
00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:26,225
Or am I the silent robber type?
327
00:12:26,391 --> 00:12:28,393
I think we're gonna
stick to the script this time.
328
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:29,853
- What script?
- Thanks, Garrett.
329
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:32,272
Okay. Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.
330
00:12:32,898 --> 00:12:34,650
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.
331
00:12:34,816 --> 00:12:35,943
My name is Kenny Vorstrather.
332
00:12:36,568 --> 00:12:38,487
I'm president
of Trojan Horse Home Security.
333
00:12:38,737 --> 00:12:40,864
I have broken into your home
tonight to illustrate to you...
334
00:12:41,031 --> 00:12:42,032
and your family just how...
335
00:12:42,032 --> 00:12:43,116
Watch out!
336
00:12:44,785 --> 00:12:45,827
Shit!
337
00:12:45,827 --> 00:12:47,079
- Have your girders been checked?
- Piece of shit!
338
00:12:47,079 --> 00:12:48,413
You fucking piece of shit!
339
00:12:48,413 --> 00:12:50,541
I'll fucking break
your fucking jaw!
340
00:12:51,416 --> 00:12:53,961
Play the cameras back.
Play the cameras back. Let's go.
341
00:12:54,836 --> 00:12:56,088
John, are you hurt?
342
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:57,881
Jesus Christ!
343
00:12:58,048 --> 00:12:59,091
You okay?
344
00:12:59,091 --> 00:13:01,176
Need a new gun.
Where's props for me, please?
345
00:13:01,176 --> 00:13:02,469
Can somebody
clear the children, please?
346
00:13:02,469 --> 00:13:03,595
Excuse me. Watch out, please.
347
00:13:03,762 --> 00:13:05,430
Why? You got
any more fucking lights
348
00:13:05,430 --> 00:13:06,682
you want to drop on us?
349
00:13:06,848 --> 00:13:08,725
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, motherfucker!
350
00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:10,519
Want me to break
your fucking jaw for you?
351
00:13:10,519 --> 00:13:11,645
Fucking amateur hour!
352
00:13:11,645 --> 00:13:13,730
I'll bust your fucking jaw
for you, motherfucker!
353
00:13:13,897 --> 00:13:16,191
Hey! Hey! How dare you
endanger my actors?
354
00:13:16,191 --> 00:13:17,276
Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it.
355
00:13:17,276 --> 00:13:18,360
Really? Yeah.
356
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,487
You're the one asking
for 100 fucking light cues, pal!
357
00:13:20,487 --> 00:13:22,739
Well, feel free to let me know
when my expectations
358
00:13:22,739 --> 00:13:23,824
surpass your abilities.
359
00:13:23,824 --> 00:13:25,075
There's a shit-ton of lights.
It's not worth it.
360
00:13:25,242 --> 00:13:27,035
You know, I don't know, guys.
It was kind of exciting.
361
00:13:27,202 --> 00:13:28,537
Like, it's probably good luck.
362
00:13:29,621 --> 00:13:30,622
Wallie.
363
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:34,418
This thing's not gonna work.
I need...
364
00:13:34,418 --> 00:13:35,502
Something with
a little more heft.
365
00:13:35,502 --> 00:13:37,337
It's got no stopping power.
You know what I mean?
366
00:13:37,337 --> 00:13:38,797
The script said pistol.
367
00:13:39,631 --> 00:13:40,799
Well, the script
specifically called for...
368
00:13:40,966 --> 00:13:43,635
a Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.
369
00:13:43,802 --> 00:13:44,845
Do we go again?
370
00:13:45,345 --> 00:13:46,763
In this deathtrap?
371
00:13:46,930 --> 00:13:47,931
Well, we've worked out
the kinks.
372
00:13:48,098 --> 00:13:50,350
You know, I still think
it was kind of funny.
373
00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:52,269
How high will this thing go, Al?
374
00:13:52,436 --> 00:13:54,021
- Gilda. Gilda.
- Say hello to the cameras, boys.
375
00:13:54,188 --> 00:13:56,398
There's home base...
376
00:13:56,565 --> 00:13:57,774
Kid, this ain't an armory.
377
00:13:57,774 --> 00:13:59,610
No one's gonna notice
the difference.
378
00:13:59,776 --> 00:14:00,777
I'll tell you who'll notice.
379
00:14:00,777 --> 00:14:01,945
A few of the fine folks
at home...
380
00:14:01,945 --> 00:14:03,780
who lugged M16s through
four feet of swamp juice
381
00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:04,865
in Quang Nam.
382
00:14:04,865 --> 00:14:06,325
Hey, boys!
383
00:14:06,491 --> 00:14:08,327
Guess I picked the wrong day
to not wear underwear.
384
00:14:08,327 --> 00:14:09,411
Don't look too hard.
385
00:14:09,411 --> 00:14:10,495
Proud of yourself?
386
00:14:10,495 --> 00:14:12,206
I'll give you and this circus
till the end of the week.
387
00:14:12,372 --> 00:14:14,082
That's funny. 'Cause I give you
till the end of the day.
388
00:14:15,792 --> 00:14:16,793
All right, everyone.
389
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,378
Let's get this thing cleaned up.
390
00:14:18,545 --> 00:14:22,049
Grab a light, broom, dustpan.
We'll get all this glass.
391
00:14:23,884 --> 00:14:25,552
Thank you, hermano.
392
00:14:27,137 --> 00:14:28,180
All right, Neil,
not with the keys right now.
393
00:14:34,019 --> 00:14:35,896
Pow, pow! Pow, pow!
394
00:14:37,773 --> 00:14:39,107
Hey, come on, man.
395
00:14:39,274 --> 00:14:40,776
Violence? Really?
396
00:14:42,486 --> 00:14:44,029
My main man, Jim!
397
00:14:44,196 --> 00:14:48,242
Say, sorry for shooting
your Muppets, man.
398
00:14:48,408 --> 00:14:49,952
They're not just...
399
00:14:50,327 --> 00:14:51,912
They're your co-stars.
400
00:14:54,206 --> 00:14:56,333
Is that you?
You all right there, Jim?
401
00:14:57,251 --> 00:14:58,252
Yes.
402
00:14:59,628 --> 00:15:00,629
No.
403
00:15:01,755 --> 00:15:05,342
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.
404
00:15:05,509 --> 00:15:07,678
They tied a belt
around Big Bird's neck...
405
00:15:07,844 --> 00:15:10,639
and hung him
from my dressing room door.
406
00:15:10,806 --> 00:15:13,183
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.
I'm so sorry.
407
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:15,435
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Who knew?
408
00:15:16,395 --> 00:15:17,771
You're full of baloney.
409
00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:19,439
- Cursing.
- Consider me...
410
00:15:19,606 --> 00:15:21,608
the first rat
off this sinkin' ship!
411
00:15:21,775 --> 00:15:23,443
- Really?
- Don't jump to...
412
00:15:23,610 --> 00:15:26,446
Wow, that's mature. Well,
what can I say? Bon voyage.
413
00:15:26,446 --> 00:15:28,615
Lorne, he was our lighting
director. We need lights.
414
00:15:28,782 --> 00:15:29,867
I'm sure there's someone
else in the building...
415
00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:31,451
- who can push a button, Dick.
- Hey, he's the only one
416
00:15:31,618 --> 00:15:33,745
who knows the location
of the 200 lights you asked for.
417
00:15:34,872 --> 00:15:35,873
What is this?
418
00:15:36,915 --> 00:15:38,917
What's the meaning of this?
Who did this?
419
00:15:40,294 --> 00:15:42,087
Hey, I thought
we were making a comedy!
420
00:16:01,190 --> 00:16:02,733
Sounding good, guys.
421
00:16:04,484 --> 00:16:06,069
Yeah. Okay.
422
00:16:07,112 --> 00:16:08,572
- All right.
- Say...
423
00:16:08,739 --> 00:16:10,324
we actually
worked together before.
424
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:12,910
I sang backup for Belafonte.
425
00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:16,038
Catch that?
426
00:16:17,789 --> 00:16:19,875
Drink the coconut water
427
00:16:20,042 --> 00:16:21,043
Four to five!
428
00:16:21,043 --> 00:16:22,961
Man, it's good
for you daughter...
429
00:16:23,128 --> 00:16:24,213
Four to five!
430
00:16:24,379 --> 00:16:26,673
Coco got a lotta iron
431
00:16:31,762 --> 00:16:33,388
The guy is singing, too.
432
00:16:33,931 --> 00:16:36,141
How many people
do they have playin' tonight?
433
00:16:36,725 --> 00:16:39,770
No. No, no. See, I am one of
the comedic performers, man.
434
00:16:39,937 --> 00:16:41,438
Yeah, I'm in the cast.
435
00:16:41,605 --> 00:16:44,566
You are a professional comedian?
436
00:16:45,859 --> 00:16:48,987
- Well, no, not by trade.
- Okay.
437
00:16:48,987 --> 00:16:50,531
You see,
I'm actually a playwright.
438
00:16:50,697 --> 00:16:52,366
- All right.
- Perhaps you saw my work...
439
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:55,452
at the Black Arts
Repertory Theatre in Harlem.
440
00:16:55,619 --> 00:16:57,120
Yeah, I must have missed that.
441
00:16:59,081 --> 00:17:01,833
Yeah. I actually don't know
why they hired me, man.
442
00:17:03,669 --> 00:17:05,087
Yeah, you seem a little tight.
443
00:17:05,253 --> 00:17:06,379
- A little...
- Do I?
444
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:08,714
Yeah, you gotta kinda
loosen it up for the show.
445
00:17:08,882 --> 00:17:10,050
Say, Alvin...
446
00:17:10,216 --> 00:17:11,593
Hook Mr...
447
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,595
- What's your name?
- Garrett Morris.
448
00:17:13,971 --> 00:17:15,888
Garrett Morris, y'all,
the comedian.
449
00:17:16,223 --> 00:17:17,558
Yeah,
hook Mr. Garrett Morris up...
450
00:17:18,058 --> 00:17:20,727
with a little bit of confidence.
You know what I'm saying?
451
00:17:22,104 --> 00:17:23,437
- Yeah, come...
- Okay.
452
00:17:23,605 --> 00:17:24,815
Go ahead and get it.
453
00:17:24,982 --> 00:17:25,983
Medical grade.
454
00:17:26,148 --> 00:17:28,484
Shit so light,
air at the bottom of the bottle.
455
00:17:28,652 --> 00:17:29,653
You're gonna float.
456
00:17:30,612 --> 00:17:31,613
Float?
457
00:17:32,030 --> 00:17:33,740
- I'm gonna put this away.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
458
00:17:33,907 --> 00:17:35,951
This is illegal.
459
00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:39,788
Yeah, well, you're gonna
need it. For your comedy.
460
00:17:39,955 --> 00:17:41,623
- Right. Right.
- Yeah.
461
00:17:42,875 --> 00:17:43,959
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
462
00:17:44,126 --> 00:17:46,253
- All right, y'all, let's get it.
- Scotty, sound check.
463
00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:47,963
All right, everyone,
quiet for sound check.
464
00:17:48,130 --> 00:17:49,464
Sound check!
465
00:17:50,048 --> 00:17:51,049
This should be fun.
466
00:18:00,642 --> 00:18:02,352
Is this full volume?
467
00:18:02,686 --> 00:18:03,854
The whole enchilada.
468
00:18:03,854 --> 00:18:05,522
Sounds pretty adequate to me.
469
00:18:05,522 --> 00:18:06,815
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.
470
00:18:06,815 --> 00:18:09,151
It needs to feel like a rock
concert for everyone at home.
471
00:18:09,151 --> 00:18:11,278
Lorne has such
a deep appreciation for music.
472
00:18:11,278 --> 00:18:12,696
Shouldn't we have more mics?
473
00:18:12,863 --> 00:18:14,072
One band, one mic.
474
00:18:17,451 --> 00:18:18,952
Dick, this needs to be fixed
for tonight.
475
00:18:19,286 --> 00:18:20,537
That's what
I've been talking about.
476
00:18:20,704 --> 00:18:22,039
Three, four.
477
00:18:29,796 --> 00:18:31,506
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this for John?
478
00:18:31,673 --> 00:18:32,799
Yeah, I heard he's in makeup.
479
00:18:32,966 --> 00:18:34,593
Do you like being yelled at
or something?
480
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:35,802
Here, I've got you.
481
00:18:35,969 --> 00:18:37,137
Where are you going?
482
00:18:49,691 --> 00:18:52,611
Jimmy, do not bet
on that hand, please.
483
00:18:57,407 --> 00:18:58,825
Can you hold the door?
484
00:19:00,202 --> 00:19:01,495
Yeah, I think so.
485
00:19:02,746 --> 00:19:04,790
- Easy on the macaroni, Carmine.
- All right.
486
00:19:04,790 --> 00:19:06,625
You don't want
to hurt your stomach.
487
00:19:06,625 --> 00:19:07,709
All right, Rosie.
488
00:19:12,464 --> 00:19:14,633
There he is...
489
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,219
the star of the show.
490
00:19:17,386 --> 00:19:20,013
Come on, Rosie.
Not the fucking bees!
491
00:19:21,223 --> 00:19:23,934
I'm not a dashboard ornament.
492
00:19:24,101 --> 00:19:27,563
No, you're adorable,
is what you are...
493
00:19:28,021 --> 00:19:31,775
and all that fur, every girl's
gonna want to squeeze you.
494
00:19:32,484 --> 00:19:35,362
I am a trained professional.
495
00:19:36,029 --> 00:19:38,156
Well, you better watch
where you point that stinger.
496
00:19:38,657 --> 00:19:41,493
Come on. You want a little cig?
497
00:19:42,870 --> 00:19:46,415
What happened to my reporter
costume? Blaine Hotel?
498
00:19:46,582 --> 00:19:47,708
It's a five-second changeover
499
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,209
from the reporter
to ancient Greece, okay?
500
00:19:49,376 --> 00:19:51,587
Lorne didn't think you'd
have time to get into your toga.
501
00:19:52,337 --> 00:19:53,338
Okay.
502
00:19:58,510 --> 00:20:00,554
Excuse me, ma'am.
503
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:01,763
Don't be alarmed.
504
00:20:01,930 --> 00:20:05,309
You're dealing with
a fully-qualified male strumpet.
505
00:20:05,475 --> 00:20:07,853
Hey, Rosie, I got
the latest version of New Dad.
506
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:09,021
Okay.
507
00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:10,689
Behave.
508
00:20:11,148 --> 00:20:12,441
Bee-have.
509
00:20:14,109 --> 00:20:16,486
I can assure you
professional hygiene...
510
00:20:17,196 --> 00:20:19,364
discretion,
animal gratification...
511
00:20:19,531 --> 00:20:20,532
Listen, strumpet...
512
00:20:20,699 --> 00:20:22,659
It's Fred Garvin.
Male prostitute.
513
00:20:22,826 --> 00:20:24,161
How much is this gonna cost me?
514
00:20:24,328 --> 00:20:25,996
Hey, need you in costumes.
515
00:20:26,163 --> 00:20:28,415
I told them to make those
hot pants extra hot.
516
00:20:28,582 --> 00:20:29,625
Yummy.
517
00:20:29,791 --> 00:20:31,960
Lorne, we're gonna go check out
the cut on New Dad,
518
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,045
you want to see?
519
00:20:35,756 --> 00:20:38,342
Holy shit, holy shit.
Sorry, Lorne. Jesus.
520
00:20:38,550 --> 00:20:39,885
Hey, I heard John
doesn't like the bee costume.
521
00:20:39,885 --> 00:20:40,969
You know anything about this?
522
00:20:41,136 --> 00:20:42,971
It's not a costume problem.
He thinks he's Brando.
523
00:20:43,138 --> 00:20:44,223
- He's better than Brando.
- Lorne, Lorne.
524
00:20:44,223 --> 00:20:45,432
I'm working on it, Dick.
525
00:20:45,432 --> 00:20:47,434
He's better than Brando.
He's more important even.
526
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:49,478
- He'll be studied.
- They will study his liver.
527
00:20:49,478 --> 00:20:51,480
John is better when he's angry.
528
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,065
Rose, you understand
that in an hour,
529
00:20:53,065 --> 00:20:54,191
I owe a television program?
530
00:20:54,191 --> 00:20:55,317
I made a covenant
with the National...
531
00:20:55,317 --> 00:20:56,401
- Broadcasting Company.
- A covenant, huh?
532
00:20:56,401 --> 00:20:58,570
Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on
the hook for 90 minutes...
533
00:20:58,570 --> 00:21:00,572
- of live television.
- Okay, Abraham.
534
00:21:02,241 --> 00:21:05,577
Rose, must you turn him
into a bee?
535
00:21:05,744 --> 00:21:06,954
I am not turning him into a bee.
536
00:21:06,954 --> 00:21:08,038
Thanks, Tom.
537
00:21:08,038 --> 00:21:10,249
He is a man in a bee costume.
538
00:21:10,415 --> 00:21:11,542
There is a difference.
539
00:21:12,668 --> 00:21:14,711
It's an image
you can't get out of your head.
540
00:21:14,878 --> 00:21:18,674
It's postmodern,
it's Warhol, it's iconic.
541
00:21:19,967 --> 00:21:21,218
Where do these ideas
even come from?
542
00:21:21,385 --> 00:21:24,012
I just send an imaginary dog
to fetch an imaginary stick.
543
00:21:24,179 --> 00:21:25,514
Yeah? Must be some dog.
544
00:21:25,681 --> 00:21:27,391
He's very well trained.
545
00:21:27,891 --> 00:21:28,976
Honey, I'm home.
546
00:21:29,142 --> 00:21:30,227
Hey, pal.
547
00:21:30,936 --> 00:21:31,979
Hey.
548
00:21:32,646 --> 00:21:33,647
How are ya?
549
00:21:33,647 --> 00:21:35,566
Looks like Chevy's fiancée
slipped and fell
550
00:21:35,566 --> 00:21:36,817
into another segment.
551
00:21:36,817 --> 00:21:39,111
Jacqueline's gonna be hosting
the show if you're not careful.
552
00:21:39,278 --> 00:21:40,320
Jesus Christ.
553
00:21:40,696 --> 00:21:42,322
A wonderful family.
554
00:21:42,489 --> 00:21:44,575
Everything you need
for the future.
555
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,577
- Danny's good in this.
- Yeah, he is.
556
00:21:46,743 --> 00:21:49,746
What if you were suddenly
out of the picture?
557
00:21:49,913 --> 00:21:51,707
Can we add sound there
over the X?
558
00:21:51,874 --> 00:21:54,209
- Like a buzzer?
- No, funny, like a bell.
559
00:21:54,376 --> 00:21:55,460
Good call.
560
00:21:56,003 --> 00:21:57,379
And if we could hold
on the photo
561
00:21:57,379 --> 00:21:58,755
for another eight frames.
562
00:21:58,922 --> 00:22:00,007
16 frames.
563
00:22:02,593 --> 00:22:03,802
Were you...
564
00:22:05,095 --> 00:22:07,222
thinking of going home
with him tonight?
565
00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:09,057
With Danny? Tonight?
566
00:22:09,474 --> 00:22:10,642
Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting
that you weren't gonna tell me.
567
00:22:10,642 --> 00:22:11,727
If you need alone time,
I can, I just...
568
00:22:11,727 --> 00:22:12,978
No, no, no. I just didn't know,
like, if you were...
569
00:22:12,978 --> 00:22:14,897
It's opening night.
So, I figured that it wasn't
570
00:22:14,897 --> 00:22:16,398
- the right time.
- I mean, neither did I.
571
00:22:16,565 --> 00:22:17,733
Well, then why are you asking?
572
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:19,818
Just avoiding surprises, Rose.
573
00:22:19,985 --> 00:22:21,820
- But you love surprises.
- I love surprises.
574
00:22:21,987 --> 00:22:24,156
Like Anne Frank
loved her drum set.
575
00:22:25,073 --> 00:22:26,283
Don't encourage her.
576
00:22:27,159 --> 00:22:28,160
Can you hold on the photo
577
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,369
for another eight frames, please?
578
00:22:29,536 --> 00:22:30,537
It's always eight frames.
579
00:22:30,704 --> 00:22:32,706
Eight frames is a beat. So...
580
00:22:34,791 --> 00:22:36,585
Can you believe I need to cut
an hour of the show?
581
00:22:36,752 --> 00:22:39,087
NBC doesn't want a three-hour
sketch comedy review?
582
00:22:39,254 --> 00:22:40,964
Jesus, Rose,
don't call it that, please.
583
00:22:41,131 --> 00:22:42,633
Well, what is it, then?
584
00:22:42,799 --> 00:22:44,051
Honey, I'm home.
585
00:22:44,218 --> 00:22:46,220
Yes, it's New Dad.
586
00:22:46,386 --> 00:22:47,846
I spent years collecting
orphaned comedians
587
00:22:47,846 --> 00:22:48,931
off the street.
588
00:22:49,097 --> 00:22:50,224
I know.
589
00:22:50,390 --> 00:22:52,267
They sleep on our dinette
and they whiz in our sink.
590
00:22:52,434 --> 00:22:53,602
By some miraculous accident...
591
00:22:53,769 --> 00:22:55,187
I found a place to call home
592
00:22:55,187 --> 00:22:56,688
for our little circus
of rejects,
593
00:22:56,688 --> 00:22:58,106
on national television.
594
00:22:58,273 --> 00:22:59,733
Rose, this is our shot.
595
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,360
It's a shot.
596
00:23:01,527 --> 00:23:02,528
Rose...
597
00:23:05,030 --> 00:23:06,240
You're actually nervous.
598
00:23:12,704 --> 00:23:14,540
Barbara was asking about...
599
00:23:15,165 --> 00:23:18,335
your credit... on the show.
600
00:23:18,502 --> 00:23:20,337
I figured
you'd go with Michaels.
601
00:23:20,504 --> 00:23:21,713
Is that what you want?
602
00:23:24,132 --> 00:23:26,885
I mean, you know, we're married
and you're my wife.
603
00:23:27,052 --> 00:23:29,388
I figured
it's the straightest line.
604
00:23:29,555 --> 00:23:31,473
Lorne, we're married,
but I'm not your wife.
605
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,725
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on a crawl.
606
00:23:33,892 --> 00:23:35,394
Well, what would you prefer?
607
00:23:39,064 --> 00:23:40,399
Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs
608
00:23:40,399 --> 00:23:41,817
are waiting
in the green room for you.
609
00:23:42,025 --> 00:23:43,902
- Fuck.
- VTR needed this yesterday.
610
00:23:44,069 --> 00:23:45,237
Well, it looks great.
611
00:23:47,447 --> 00:23:50,033
- Tom, Al, what's this about?
- Hey, Lorne.
612
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,160
- A last-minute piece.
- Just in case you need it.
613
00:23:52,327 --> 00:23:53,453
I don't. What's the gag?
614
00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:55,914
We're gonna dress Aykroyd up
as Julia Childs.
615
00:23:56,081 --> 00:23:57,541
- America's favorite chef.
- Okay.
616
00:23:57,708 --> 00:23:59,668
And right as she's carvin' up
a turkey on live television...
617
00:23:59,835 --> 00:24:01,879
She slices open an artery.
Blood everywhere.
618
00:24:02,045 --> 00:24:03,213
Everywhere.
619
00:24:04,965 --> 00:24:05,966
That's the whole pitch?
620
00:24:06,133 --> 00:24:07,134
Yeah, just America's
favorite chef
621
00:24:07,134 --> 00:24:08,218
painting the walls
with her insides.
622
00:24:08,218 --> 00:24:09,303
Total gore fest.
623
00:24:09,303 --> 00:24:10,679
It's gonna be utter carnage, boss.
624
00:24:10,679 --> 00:24:12,681
Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs
625
00:24:12,681 --> 00:24:14,892
and I've cut the dickens
out of my finger.
626
00:24:14,892 --> 00:24:16,143
- Sounds promising.
- Wait, wait, boss.
627
00:24:16,143 --> 00:24:17,269
I didn't even get
to the good part yet.
628
00:24:17,269 --> 00:24:18,353
Just put down a tarp.
629
00:24:18,353 --> 00:24:20,230
Yeah, he doesn't like
the Julia Childs bit.
630
00:24:20,230 --> 00:24:21,315
George...
631
00:24:23,442 --> 00:24:25,402
- How's Carlin?
- Warming up the pipes.
632
00:24:25,402 --> 00:24:28,155
Okay, well, heard Belushi
hasn't signed his contract yet.
633
00:24:28,155 --> 00:24:29,448
Formality.
634
00:24:29,448 --> 00:24:31,700
Yeah, well,
they're pretty formal here.
635
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:34,077
Speaking of, the folks in
standards are a little uneasy...
636
00:24:34,077 --> 00:24:35,204
about the parody commercial
637
00:24:35,204 --> 00:24:36,705
playing right before
the regular ads.
638
00:24:36,705 --> 00:24:38,540
I think they think the viewers
might be a little confused.
639
00:24:38,540 --> 00:24:40,542
One might argue that's
what makes it humorous, Dick.
640
00:24:40,542 --> 00:24:41,919
Yeah, but, Lorne,
at what point are we
641
00:24:41,919 --> 00:24:43,253
not just making fun
of the audience?
642
00:24:43,253 --> 00:24:45,088
Hardly. It's commedia dell'arte.
If anything,
643
00:24:45,088 --> 00:24:47,174
it'll make the other commercials
feel all the more real...
644
00:24:47,341 --> 00:24:49,092
and the sponsors
will probably thank you.
645
00:24:49,635 --> 00:24:50,761
Who's in there?
Should I be concerned?
646
00:24:50,928 --> 00:24:52,554
No. Just try not to use words
647
00:24:52,554 --> 00:24:54,264
like "underground"
or "revolutionary."
648
00:24:54,431 --> 00:24:55,515
I'm not exactly Che Guevara.
649
00:24:55,682 --> 00:24:56,683
Yeah.
650
00:24:58,435 --> 00:24:59,895
What the fuck? There's like
a thousand people in there.
651
00:25:00,062 --> 00:25:02,314
Fifty. The affiliates,
from across the country.
652
00:25:02,481 --> 00:25:03,565
Lorne, they're excited
to see the show.
653
00:25:03,732 --> 00:25:04,816
I don't have time for this,
Dick.
654
00:25:04,983 --> 00:25:06,652
Lorne, these are the people
that will decide
655
00:25:06,652 --> 00:25:08,195
whether or not we have a hit.
656
00:25:08,362 --> 00:25:11,156
They choose whether we go
on the air. We need them.
657
00:25:13,825 --> 00:25:15,410
- Three minutes?
- Tops.
658
00:25:17,329 --> 00:25:19,206
Gentlemen. Hello.
Lorne Michaels.
659
00:25:19,373 --> 00:25:20,707
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
660
00:25:20,874 --> 00:25:23,168
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
661
00:25:23,335 --> 00:25:25,087
Lorne Michaels. This is my show.
662
00:25:25,254 --> 00:25:27,631
Hi, where are we flying in from,
gentlemen? Chicago and...
663
00:25:27,798 --> 00:25:29,758
- New Orleans.
- New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic.
664
00:25:29,925 --> 00:25:32,386
Well, we're very lucky
to have some Southerners here.
665
00:25:32,553 --> 00:25:33,804
Hi. Nice to meet you.
666
00:25:33,971 --> 00:25:36,848
Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.
I'm the creator of the show.
667
00:25:37,015 --> 00:25:39,059
Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi.
668
00:25:39,226 --> 00:25:41,645
I appreciate your support,
gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi.
669
00:25:41,812 --> 00:25:43,564
- Tallahassee.
- Tallahassee? Wow.
670
00:25:43,730 --> 00:25:45,399
- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Hi.
671
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:47,901
Who am I kidding? Gentlemen...
672
00:25:50,696 --> 00:25:51,822
Can I see that?
673
00:25:52,531 --> 00:25:53,532
Thank you.
674
00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:55,868
Hope this isn't the only thing
675
00:25:55,868 --> 00:25:57,578
getting sucked
on this weekend, boys.
676
00:25:58,620 --> 00:26:00,914
Jesus, you guys look like
the cast of Godfather
677
00:26:00,914 --> 00:26:02,624
if it was shot in Alabama.
678
00:26:04,543 --> 00:26:06,336
I see some cowboys here.
679
00:26:06,503 --> 00:26:08,255
That's a hell
of a 10-gallon hat.
680
00:26:08,422 --> 00:26:10,257
You look like you're ready
for a date with a livestock.
681
00:26:12,968 --> 00:26:14,428
Welcome to New York.
682
00:26:14,595 --> 00:26:15,762
It's quite diverse.
683
00:26:16,096 --> 00:26:17,472
If you want to meet
Black people, go to Harlem.
684
00:26:17,639 --> 00:26:19,725
If you want to meet Jews,
come to our writer's room.
685
00:26:21,602 --> 00:26:23,520
Sir, you look like
you're from Ohio.
686
00:26:23,687 --> 00:26:26,356
My favorite thing about Ohio...
687
00:26:29,067 --> 00:26:30,611
Let me introduce you
to our head writer...
688
00:26:31,403 --> 00:26:34,239
our prince of darkness,
Michael O'Donoghue.
689
00:26:35,032 --> 00:26:37,075
Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.
690
00:26:37,993 --> 00:26:39,828
I'm certain
you all know Mr. Rogers.
691
00:26:39,995 --> 00:26:42,206
Perhaps the most kind
and gentle man
692
00:26:42,206 --> 00:26:43,415
in all of television.
693
00:26:43,582 --> 00:26:47,085
This is my impression
of Mr. Rogers...
694
00:26:47,252 --> 00:26:50,422
plunging 18-inch
steel sewing needles...
695
00:26:50,589 --> 00:26:51,590
into his eyes.
696
00:27:04,645 --> 00:27:06,813
Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael.
697
00:27:08,148 --> 00:27:10,192
Well, now you know
why they put us on at midnight.
698
00:27:14,196 --> 00:27:15,781
Hello, everybody,
my name is Lorne Michaels.
699
00:27:15,948 --> 00:27:19,743
I'm the producer
and creator of Saturday Night.
700
00:27:21,703 --> 00:27:23,413
We have a wonderful show
for you this evening.
701
00:27:23,580 --> 00:27:26,667
George Carlin,
the great Billy Preston...
702
00:27:27,793 --> 00:27:28,919
a film by Albert Brooks.
703
00:27:29,378 --> 00:27:31,588
Jim Henson's Muppets.
704
00:27:33,131 --> 00:27:35,175
We're excited for tonight.
705
00:27:37,052 --> 00:27:39,346
Because there's never been
a television show...
706
00:27:39,513 --> 00:27:42,724
made for or by the generation...
707
00:27:42,891 --> 00:27:45,686
that grew up
watching television. So...
708
00:27:48,856 --> 00:27:52,609
In the words
of my dear friend Che Guevara...
709
00:27:53,110 --> 00:27:54,361
this is the revolution.
710
00:27:55,070 --> 00:27:56,071
Yes. Yes.
711
00:27:57,698 --> 00:27:58,824
Who's with us?
712
00:27:58,991 --> 00:28:00,325
Heads on pikes!
713
00:28:00,993 --> 00:28:02,828
Blood will run in the streets!
714
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:06,373
Gentlemen, behold...
715
00:28:06,999 --> 00:28:08,166
if you listen closely,
you can hear...
716
00:28:08,333 --> 00:28:10,711
Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.
717
00:28:10,878 --> 00:28:11,962
Lorne can get
a little passionate.
718
00:28:11,962 --> 00:28:13,422
And so can Chevy.
719
00:28:13,797 --> 00:28:14,923
- Blood in the streets?
- Yeah.
720
00:28:15,090 --> 00:28:16,758
Well, that sounds delightful.
721
00:28:16,925 --> 00:28:19,303
How much are we spending
on this insurrection?
722
00:28:19,469 --> 00:28:21,513
About 250 an episode.
723
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,724
Well, I guess
revolutions aren't cheap.
724
00:28:23,724 --> 00:28:24,808
Right.
725
00:28:24,975 --> 00:28:27,394
What is this? Absolutely not.
726
00:28:27,561 --> 00:28:29,563
No. No, no, no. We're not
gonna beg for their approval.
727
00:28:29,563 --> 00:28:30,689
No, take it down,
we don't need this.
728
00:28:30,689 --> 00:28:31,773
Well, you know...
729
00:28:31,773 --> 00:28:33,317
Lorne Michaels is
a special bird, you know.
730
00:28:33,317 --> 00:28:34,401
He believes in his vision.
731
00:28:35,235 --> 00:28:36,820
Well, that's nice.
732
00:28:39,990 --> 00:28:41,408
And he doesn't really bend.
733
00:28:43,202 --> 00:28:45,370
We know how that story goes.
734
00:28:49,666 --> 00:28:51,793
Des Moines. How'd you escape?
735
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,712
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.
736
00:28:54,296 --> 00:28:56,715
My father had good taste
and my mom was an alcoholic.
737
00:28:56,882 --> 00:29:00,469
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?
738
00:29:00,886 --> 00:29:02,346
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.
739
00:29:03,472 --> 00:29:05,307
You held that room like a pro.
740
00:29:05,474 --> 00:29:07,100
- Thank you.
- I mean it.
741
00:29:07,517 --> 00:29:09,561
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.
742
00:29:09,728 --> 00:29:11,772
You know,
I handle The Tonight Show.
743
00:29:12,105 --> 00:29:13,357
I didn't know that.
744
00:29:14,316 --> 00:29:15,317
Between us...
745
00:29:15,484 --> 00:29:18,111
Johnny Carson isn't gonna
be around forever.
746
00:29:19,363 --> 00:29:20,531
Think about it.
747
00:29:22,324 --> 00:29:24,493
You're a handsome,
funny gentile.
748
00:29:26,578 --> 00:29:27,913
That means something.
749
00:29:40,509 --> 00:29:42,344
Lorne, you remember Dave Tebet.
750
00:29:43,136 --> 00:29:44,137
Of course.
751
00:29:44,304 --> 00:29:45,472
I remember everyone
who gives me a job, Dick.
752
00:29:45,639 --> 00:29:46,807
Smart kid.
753
00:29:46,974 --> 00:29:48,517
Quite a lineup this evening.
754
00:29:48,684 --> 00:29:50,227
You know, while I have you,
I do understand
755
00:29:50,227 --> 00:29:51,645
that we are bending
some of the rules...
756
00:29:51,812 --> 00:29:54,106
Lorne, this is NBC.
There is a way things are done.
757
00:29:54,273 --> 00:29:55,649
- The Peacock way.
- Right.
758
00:29:55,816 --> 00:29:56,859
Well, we are thinking
a little differently.
759
00:29:56,859 --> 00:29:57,943
We just, you know...
760
00:29:57,943 --> 00:29:59,278
You know, maybe an emu.
761
00:29:59,278 --> 00:30:00,404
Hey, that's... Well, I just...
762
00:30:00,571 --> 00:30:01,613
Dick, shut the fuck up.
763
00:30:03,407 --> 00:30:06,994
Can't you see talent when it's
standing inches from your face?
764
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:08,370
What do you think he's gonna do?
765
00:30:08,537 --> 00:30:10,789
Embarrass us
with some half-assed,
766
00:30:10,789 --> 00:30:12,291
rat-fuck donkey show?
767
00:30:12,457 --> 00:30:14,042
Frankly, that's exactly
what I signed up for.
768
00:30:14,209 --> 00:30:15,919
- Michael.
- I expect you...
769
00:30:16,086 --> 00:30:19,631
to be an unbending force
of seismic disturbance.
770
00:30:20,007 --> 00:30:23,719
Light up that NBC switchboard
like a bomb went off.
771
00:30:24,303 --> 00:30:26,346
Well, I promise
not to play the music too loud.
772
00:30:26,597 --> 00:30:29,516
Fuck that. This isn't
the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.
773
00:30:29,683 --> 00:30:30,851
It's Saturday fucking Night.
774
00:30:31,018 --> 00:30:33,020
I want you
to be thunderous and deafening.
775
00:30:33,186 --> 00:30:35,981
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.
776
00:30:36,148 --> 00:30:37,941
Great. I mean,
I've always seen this
777
00:30:37,941 --> 00:30:39,067
as a collision that erupts...
778
00:30:39,234 --> 00:30:40,736
- from every screen in America.
- Yes. Yes.
779
00:30:40,903 --> 00:30:43,238
A prism that captures the light
of an emerging generation.
780
00:30:43,405 --> 00:30:45,532
Stop! Don't say another word.
781
00:30:45,699 --> 00:30:49,161
Don't question another instinct.
782
00:30:49,661 --> 00:30:50,996
- Ebersol?
- Yes?
783
00:30:51,872 --> 00:30:54,333
We're standing in the presence
of a prophet.
784
00:30:54,499 --> 00:30:55,500
Yeah, he certainly
talks like a...
785
00:30:55,667 --> 00:30:58,754
A man with a vision.
786
00:30:59,171 --> 00:31:01,340
And I want you
to take that vision...
787
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:03,467
like a Sherman Tank...
788
00:31:03,634 --> 00:31:07,054
and plow through any fuck
that gets in your way.
789
00:31:07,221 --> 00:31:08,222
Even me.
790
00:31:09,932 --> 00:31:12,643
"Use emotion for the many
and reserve reason for the few."
791
00:31:13,060 --> 00:31:14,144
I like that.
792
00:31:14,728 --> 00:31:16,438
I'm putting it on my wall.
793
00:31:19,525 --> 00:31:21,026
Was that a Hitler quote?
794
00:31:21,026 --> 00:31:22,694
Atrocities aside,
the man was a wordsmith.
795
00:31:22,694 --> 00:31:24,196
You missed a call
from Johnny Carson.
796
00:31:24,196 --> 00:31:25,447
I picked up the phone
'cause it was ringing.
797
00:31:25,447 --> 00:31:26,532
What did you tell him?
798
00:31:26,532 --> 00:31:28,283
I told... I don't remember.
He hung up on me.
799
00:31:28,283 --> 00:31:29,701
Lorne, Lorne.
Is that a bunk bed?
800
00:31:29,701 --> 00:31:31,203
I did have
a UFO encounter experience once.
801
00:31:31,370 --> 00:31:32,371
Danny ordered it for his office.
802
00:31:32,538 --> 00:31:34,706
That's confidence. Can you find
me something to eat?
803
00:31:34,873 --> 00:31:36,833
Neil, why would
he order a bunk bed?
804
00:31:38,544 --> 00:31:39,920
Could you get that hippie shit
out of my face?
805
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:41,463
And I am actually very strong.
806
00:31:41,463 --> 00:31:42,548
Thinking that
he can do the voice?
807
00:31:42,548 --> 00:31:44,299
- It's Aykroyd. Of course he can.
- It's Aykroyd.
808
00:31:44,299 --> 00:31:45,425
But that doesn't
necessarily mean anything.
809
00:31:45,592 --> 00:31:46,593
Hello, boys.
810
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:48,387
- Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?
- Hey, Mike.
811
00:31:48,554 --> 00:31:50,305
- Nervous about what?
- Performing on live TV.
812
00:31:50,472 --> 00:31:51,682
I'd be shitting bricks.
813
00:31:51,848 --> 00:31:55,477
Television is merely a lava lamp
with slightly better audio.
814
00:31:56,144 --> 00:31:58,188
Colored beads
to fascinate the animal.
815
00:31:58,355 --> 00:31:59,982
I could do it
in a narcoleptic coma.
816
00:32:00,148 --> 00:32:02,150
Hello, Herb.
How's Update coming?
817
00:32:02,317 --> 00:32:04,736
South Vietnam has seized
and burned
818
00:32:04,736 --> 00:32:06,989
100,000 Playboy magazines.
819
00:32:07,155 --> 00:32:08,448
I'm still working
on the punch line.
820
00:32:09,867 --> 00:32:12,744
For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny.
821
00:32:14,621 --> 00:32:17,708
That's the one. Grab it, boys.
We need that couch.
822
00:32:18,625 --> 00:32:20,043
- Rise and shine.
- Oh, God.
823
00:32:21,128 --> 00:32:22,212
- Coming through, coming through.
- Okay.
824
00:32:23,755 --> 00:32:24,756
Oh, pages.
825
00:32:24,756 --> 00:32:25,841
- Watch your back.
- Coming through.
826
00:32:26,842 --> 00:32:27,843
Here we are.
827
00:32:29,887 --> 00:32:31,013
You all right there, Chev?
828
00:32:32,514 --> 00:32:33,724
Things are...
829
00:32:34,516 --> 00:32:35,851
kooper kippy, Herb.
830
00:32:36,518 --> 00:32:37,811
I think it just happened.
831
00:32:37,978 --> 00:32:40,147
Think I got
the old shoulder tap.
832
00:32:41,231 --> 00:32:42,441
- The what?
- You know...
833
00:32:43,108 --> 00:32:44,610
from the guys upstairs.
834
00:32:45,819 --> 00:32:48,280
What's gonna happen to me?
I mean, Herb...
835
00:32:49,531 --> 00:32:52,618
you've been around the block.
Where am I going from here?
836
00:32:52,784 --> 00:32:53,869
Well, I don't know, Chevy.
837
00:32:54,244 --> 00:32:55,913
I never got a shoulder tap.
838
00:32:56,663 --> 00:32:58,207
I just made a fortune...
839
00:32:58,373 --> 00:33:00,209
and won a few Emmys...
840
00:33:00,375 --> 00:33:01,543
and slept with Gloria Steinem.
841
00:33:02,002 --> 00:33:03,003
Two out of three ain't bad.
842
00:33:03,337 --> 00:33:04,338
Here we are.
843
00:33:04,922 --> 00:33:06,506
Wow, you're in so many scenes.
844
00:33:06,673 --> 00:33:10,219
Well... Yeah, but I'm always
everyone's kid sister.
845
00:33:10,385 --> 00:33:11,386
You're the hot one.
846
00:33:11,553 --> 00:33:13,138
I think Jane's the hot one.
847
00:33:13,305 --> 00:33:16,475
No, I'm the mom.
The still-fuckable mom.
848
00:33:18,310 --> 00:33:20,145
My instinct is that
the American people
849
00:33:20,145 --> 00:33:22,105
are gonna fall in love with you.
850
00:33:22,773 --> 00:33:26,360
You'll be obscenely overpaid
for pratfalls and cute jokes.
851
00:33:26,527 --> 00:33:28,570
You'll waste away
most of your life...
852
00:33:29,238 --> 00:33:31,031
with purchased company.
853
00:33:31,657 --> 00:33:33,242
And then eventually
you'll self-medicate...
854
00:33:33,408 --> 00:33:36,245
with booze and hookers
and heroin.
855
00:33:37,037 --> 00:33:38,830
I imagine you'll die alone.
856
00:33:39,831 --> 00:33:42,000
Falling out of a hotel room
window in Stockholm.
857
00:33:42,167 --> 00:33:43,168
Jesus.
858
00:33:44,044 --> 00:33:45,045
I can't wait.
859
00:33:45,546 --> 00:33:47,172
Well, you're
everyone's favorite, Gilda.
860
00:33:47,464 --> 00:33:49,675
I'm just a bagel
looking for lox.
861
00:33:49,841 --> 00:33:52,761
I'm a parrot
with nothing to squawk.
862
00:33:52,928 --> 00:33:54,137
Well, I keep feeling
like any minute,
863
00:33:54,137 --> 00:33:56,473
Lorne's just gonna ship me back.
864
00:33:57,057 --> 00:33:58,934
No. On this budget,
we can't afford the postage.
865
00:33:59,101 --> 00:34:00,269
There's a reason you're here.
866
00:34:00,269 --> 00:34:01,687
You may not know it,
but Lorne does.
867
00:34:01,687 --> 00:34:03,313
- Oh, God!
- You're dealing here with...
868
00:34:03,313 --> 00:34:04,815
a fully-qualified male strumpet.
869
00:34:04,982 --> 00:34:06,525
I'm not a prop, mister.
870
00:34:06,692 --> 00:34:08,861
You know, I can assure you
professional hygiene...
871
00:34:09,361 --> 00:34:12,114
discretion,
animal gratification.
872
00:34:12,281 --> 00:34:14,533
Why don't you assure me a little
peace and quiet?
873
00:34:14,699 --> 00:34:15,701
You rang?
874
00:34:15,868 --> 00:34:17,494
Yeah. I need the Muppet pages.
875
00:34:17,661 --> 00:34:18,911
I already turned in
that one script.
876
00:34:19,079 --> 00:34:20,288
Was Henson uncomfortable
877
00:34:20,288 --> 00:34:22,040
with the Muppets
on a plantation?
878
00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:23,125
It was a musical number.
879
00:34:23,125 --> 00:34:24,501
I don't think
that's the problem.
880
00:34:25,294 --> 00:34:27,670
I just can't write for those
little hairy facecloths.
881
00:34:27,838 --> 00:34:28,839
Well, I need something
for Henson.
882
00:34:28,839 --> 00:34:30,007
We go live in an hour.
883
00:34:30,591 --> 00:34:33,594
You cannot say "horny" on NBC.
884
00:34:34,136 --> 00:34:35,846
Did you see
what that evangelical cunt
885
00:34:35,846 --> 00:34:37,139
did to our pages?
886
00:34:40,684 --> 00:34:41,976
I'll be right back.
887
00:34:42,143 --> 00:34:44,146
So you want us to say sexy
instead of horny?
888
00:34:44,313 --> 00:34:45,605
And sexy and horny
just don't mean the same thing.
889
00:34:45,772 --> 00:34:47,690
I struggle
to see the difference.
890
00:34:47,858 --> 00:34:50,067
Well, if a dog is humping
your leg, it's horny.
891
00:34:50,235 --> 00:34:51,361
It's certainly not sexy.
892
00:34:51,527 --> 00:34:53,112
What on earth are you doing?
893
00:34:54,739 --> 00:34:57,868
I'd rather butt-fuck cancer
than make these changes.
894
00:35:06,376 --> 00:35:09,129
Your words don't scare me,
Mr. O'Donoghue.
895
00:35:09,296 --> 00:35:11,423
I am a woman of God.
896
00:35:11,590 --> 00:35:14,384
I'd heard that God's love
is blind. Now I know why.
897
00:35:15,052 --> 00:35:16,053
You see this?
898
00:35:16,261 --> 00:35:17,262
I do.
899
00:35:17,429 --> 00:35:20,265
I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker...
900
00:35:20,432 --> 00:35:22,226
but this one is special.
901
00:35:22,392 --> 00:35:25,521
It has kept America safe
for the better part of a decade.
902
00:35:25,687 --> 00:35:26,688
It is a weapon...
903
00:35:26,855 --> 00:35:29,691
against vulgarity, sex...
904
00:35:29,858 --> 00:35:33,153
communism, and hedonism.
905
00:35:34,112 --> 00:35:37,616
What about violence? Does it
protect America from violence?
906
00:35:37,783 --> 00:35:38,825
Yes, that too.
907
00:35:38,992 --> 00:35:40,536
How about infanticide?
908
00:35:41,161 --> 00:35:42,162
Excuse me?
909
00:35:42,329 --> 00:35:43,747
Apologies.
910
00:35:44,164 --> 00:35:46,833
Just a $2 word for a parent
who kills their own child.
911
00:35:48,794 --> 00:35:50,462
The mere thought
makes me nauseous.
912
00:35:50,879 --> 00:35:52,339
Understandably.
Me too, by the way.
913
00:35:52,339 --> 00:35:53,840
It's just I had this idea
for a sketch,
914
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:54,967
and I'm not sure if it's funny.
915
00:35:54,967 --> 00:35:56,051
You can be the judge.
916
00:35:56,218 --> 00:35:57,344
It's about this...
917
00:35:57,886 --> 00:35:59,096
powerful, temperamental guy
918
00:35:59,096 --> 00:36:00,973
who rapes this virgin
in the middle of the night.
919
00:36:00,973 --> 00:36:02,140
I know, awful.
920
00:36:02,307 --> 00:36:04,351
Knocks her up
without ever saying "Hello..."
921
00:36:04,518 --> 00:36:05,727
buying her flowers, whatever.
922
00:36:05,978 --> 00:36:07,437
And then...
923
00:36:07,604 --> 00:36:08,772
here's the funny part.
924
00:36:09,273 --> 00:36:10,858
He has their bastard son...
925
00:36:11,024 --> 00:36:13,819
publicly mutilated and tortured
to death on a cross.
926
00:36:16,238 --> 00:36:18,240
You are a vile human.
927
00:36:19,116 --> 00:36:20,492
Fuck. You've heard this before.
928
00:36:22,661 --> 00:36:23,662
Mr. O'Donoghue.
929
00:36:23,829 --> 00:36:26,498
Are we still being formal?
Please, just call me Satan.
930
00:36:26,498 --> 00:36:27,583
No, I am Satan.
931
00:36:28,125 --> 00:36:29,543
- I am Satan.
- I am Satan.
932
00:36:29,710 --> 00:36:30,919
- I am Satan.
- I'm Satan.
933
00:36:31,086 --> 00:36:32,462
- No. I am Satan.
- We're Satan.
934
00:36:32,629 --> 00:36:36,925
You will be forgotten.
I am gonna make sure of it.
935
00:36:37,551 --> 00:36:38,760
Bye.
936
00:36:41,471 --> 00:36:42,681
Are you out of your mind?
937
00:36:42,681 --> 00:36:44,182
Look, for better or worse,
I call it like I see it.
938
00:36:44,182 --> 00:36:45,309
Well, that was worse.
939
00:36:45,309 --> 00:36:46,560
Lorne, they need you
at the loading dock.
940
00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:47,644
I'm sure someone can sign
for whatever.
941
00:36:47,644 --> 00:36:48,729
You're back on the Muppets.
942
00:36:48,729 --> 00:36:50,230
- Fuck you, I'll quit.
- Yeah, I doubt that.
943
00:36:50,230 --> 00:36:51,398
It's Leo. He's been fighting
944
00:36:51,398 --> 00:36:52,691
with security,
and there's blood.
945
00:36:53,233 --> 00:36:54,651
Oh, my God. Dick.
946
00:36:55,068 --> 00:36:56,069
Oh, shit.
947
00:37:00,991 --> 00:37:03,118
- Hey!
- Hey, Dick. Is this turkey?
948
00:37:03,118 --> 00:37:04,745
- While I have...
- There wasn't a sign, so I...
949
00:37:04,745 --> 00:37:05,829
- Great.
- Lorne, Lorne.
950
00:37:05,829 --> 00:37:06,914
While I have you...
951
00:37:07,372 --> 00:37:09,124
I know you always want to be
on the cutting edge.
952
00:37:09,625 --> 00:37:10,626
Check this out.
953
00:37:11,210 --> 00:37:12,377
Polaroid.
954
00:37:14,546 --> 00:37:15,547
Okay.
955
00:37:16,715 --> 00:37:18,884
We can have the actors
demo it live.
956
00:37:19,051 --> 00:37:21,470
Write it into sketches,
do live commercials.
957
00:37:21,637 --> 00:37:23,055
Funny ones.
The payout is bonkers.
958
00:37:23,222 --> 00:37:25,015
Dick, the cast didn't sign up
to do live commercials.
959
00:37:25,224 --> 00:37:26,225
Neither did I.
960
00:37:26,391 --> 00:37:28,352
Some of the cast
might find that very unseemly.
961
00:37:28,352 --> 00:37:29,811
I completely understand.
962
00:37:29,811 --> 00:37:31,813
But television's driven
by advertising.
963
00:37:31,813 --> 00:37:33,273
It's what makes the motor run.
964
00:37:33,273 --> 00:37:34,608
It's really
not a big deal at all.
965
00:37:34,608 --> 00:37:36,276
Just please don't show this
to the talent.
966
00:37:36,276 --> 00:37:37,653
I don't want them thinking
967
00:37:37,653 --> 00:37:38,946
they're back
on the Kraft Macaroni Hour.
968
00:37:39,696 --> 00:37:41,615
You know, what, are we
going kayaking? What is this?
969
00:37:42,324 --> 00:37:43,617
Lorne, we're over budget.
970
00:37:44,243 --> 00:37:45,285
Dick, you don't need
to tell me that.
971
00:37:45,452 --> 00:37:46,703
Someone needs to tell you that.
972
00:37:46,703 --> 00:37:48,038
We don't even know
what the show is yet.
973
00:37:48,038 --> 00:37:49,581
How could we possibly know
the budget?
974
00:37:49,581 --> 00:37:50,666
That's true.
That's a good point.
975
00:37:50,666 --> 00:37:51,792
Neil, please.
976
00:37:51,792 --> 00:37:53,293
If we don't know
what the show is,
977
00:37:53,293 --> 00:37:54,836
Lorne, what the fuck
are we doing here?
978
00:37:55,003 --> 00:37:56,630
I know the ingredients.
979
00:37:57,422 --> 00:37:58,465
Just not the amounts.
980
00:37:58,465 --> 00:37:59,550
Lorne, what does that mean?
981
00:37:59,716 --> 00:38:02,052
We just have to make it
to 11:30.
982
00:38:02,219 --> 00:38:03,220
Hey!
983
00:38:04,638 --> 00:38:05,806
Fuck! You fascist.
984
00:38:05,973 --> 00:38:07,975
- You want to lose your job?
- You want to lose your teeth?
985
00:38:07,975 --> 00:38:09,685
I'm the producer
of NBC'S Saturday Night
986
00:38:09,685 --> 00:38:11,270
and you just hit a man
with a Tony.
987
00:38:11,270 --> 00:38:13,355
- I've hit plenty of Tony's.
- All right. Hey, that's enough.
988
00:38:13,772 --> 00:38:16,191
Tell your friends,
no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.
989
00:38:16,441 --> 00:38:18,277
- Shove it up your ass.
- Fuck you.
990
00:38:18,277 --> 00:38:19,736
All right.
Keep going with the bricks.
991
00:38:19,736 --> 00:38:21,446
You took that punch
like a champ.
992
00:38:21,446 --> 00:38:22,865
I'm actually not sure
you're supposed
993
00:38:22,865 --> 00:38:24,366
to be pinching
the bottom of the nostrils.
994
00:38:24,366 --> 00:38:25,450
If you pinch a little higher...
995
00:38:25,450 --> 00:38:28,537
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
Am I missing something?
996
00:38:28,704 --> 00:38:30,998
Why are we using real brick?
Can't we just roll out linoleum?
997
00:38:31,164 --> 00:38:33,876
- Hey! Fuck you!
- Okay. Jesus. Just relax.
998
00:38:33,876 --> 00:38:35,794
Dick, our vision for home base
is a street corner...
999
00:38:35,794 --> 00:38:37,754
with all the grit and texture
of New York City.
1000
00:38:37,754 --> 00:38:39,923
Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna
use real blood and vomit, too?
1001
00:38:39,923 --> 00:38:41,049
I'll give you
some real fucking blood.
1002
00:38:41,049 --> 00:38:42,134
Hey, hey, whoa,
no more fighting.
1003
00:38:42,134 --> 00:38:43,468
No more fighting.
He doesn't know.
1004
00:38:43,468 --> 00:38:44,678
He doesn't know. It's okay.
1005
00:38:47,014 --> 00:38:48,682
Why are we stopping?
1006
00:38:54,521 --> 00:38:56,273
- Hello, everybody.
- Andy.
1007
00:38:56,273 --> 00:38:58,192
What are you... You can't keep
wandering off like that.
1008
00:38:58,192 --> 00:38:59,735
I had to go to the bathroom.
1009
00:38:59,735 --> 00:39:00,986
That's very good.
That's very good.
1010
00:39:00,986 --> 00:39:02,070
Lorne...
1011
00:39:02,070 --> 00:39:04,656
- Barbara, what time do you have?
- 10:39.
1012
00:39:04,823 --> 00:39:05,824
Lorne.
1013
00:39:07,242 --> 00:39:08,243
The brick.
1014
00:39:08,702 --> 00:39:09,703
It's...
1015
00:39:14,541 --> 00:39:16,543
It's got its pockets out.
It's workmanlike.
1016
00:39:16,710 --> 00:39:18,086
It's honest.
1017
00:39:18,253 --> 00:39:19,922
Dick, it's critical
for the success of the show.
1018
00:39:20,088 --> 00:39:22,132
Okay, but what is the show?
1019
00:39:27,804 --> 00:39:29,806
I mean, honestly, Dick,
if you don't know by now...
1020
00:39:32,142 --> 00:39:33,644
Chevy Chase.
1021
00:39:34,061 --> 00:39:35,896
Gilda Radner.
1022
00:39:36,355 --> 00:39:37,940
Dan Ayk-a...
1023
00:39:38,106 --> 00:39:40,108
How the fuck
do you pronounce this?
1024
00:39:40,275 --> 00:39:41,276
Aykroyd.
1025
00:39:41,610 --> 00:39:42,694
Dan Aykroyd.
1026
00:39:42,861 --> 00:39:44,238
50 minutes, everybody!
1027
00:39:44,404 --> 00:39:46,114
Laraine Newman.
1028
00:39:46,448 --> 00:39:47,699
You nervous?
1029
00:39:48,700 --> 00:39:50,160
No. No, not really.
1030
00:39:50,327 --> 00:39:51,995
I mean,
I've only got a couple bits.
1031
00:39:52,162 --> 00:39:54,164
The jury thing and a TV host.
1032
00:39:58,043 --> 00:40:02,047
Say, you ever wonder exactly
what it is you are doing here?
1033
00:40:02,923 --> 00:40:04,800
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.
1034
00:40:05,342 --> 00:40:06,343
And what is that?
1035
00:40:06,927 --> 00:40:08,387
Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya,
1036
00:40:08,387 --> 00:40:11,014
I like to give 100%
in everything I do.
1037
00:40:12,099 --> 00:40:14,601
And I like a dish soap
that does that too.
1038
00:40:15,852 --> 00:40:18,856
So alive, so young,
so alluring...
1039
00:40:19,398 --> 00:40:22,025
so exotic, so hypnotic...
1040
00:40:22,484 --> 00:40:23,735
so manipulative...
1041
00:40:24,069 --> 00:40:27,364
so sadistically abusive...
1042
00:40:27,531 --> 00:40:29,616
so cartoonishly abhorrent...
1043
00:40:30,117 --> 00:40:31,577
You see, when it comes
to my skin
1044
00:40:31,577 --> 00:40:33,036
and my sensitive parts...
1045
00:40:33,245 --> 00:40:36,498
I only trust
100% American-made steel wool.
1046
00:40:37,082 --> 00:40:38,500
Strong enough for a man...
1047
00:40:38,667 --> 00:40:41,545
but whimsical and helpless
enough for a woman.
1048
00:40:42,045 --> 00:40:43,922
And don't wait. Act now.
1049
00:40:44,339 --> 00:40:46,341
Act like your very life
depends on it.
1050
00:40:46,508 --> 00:40:48,218
Act like your children's lives
depend on it.
1051
00:40:48,385 --> 00:40:52,681
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.
1052
00:40:54,641 --> 00:40:57,311
Man, what the fuck
was all of that?
1053
00:40:57,477 --> 00:40:58,478
That was my 20s, Garrett.
1054
00:40:58,645 --> 00:41:00,606
And that is exactly
what I'm doing here.
1055
00:41:01,023 --> 00:41:02,024
Well, shit...
1056
00:41:02,191 --> 00:41:05,277
I'm just here
to play the butler...
1057
00:41:05,611 --> 00:41:08,614
the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.
1058
00:41:09,656 --> 00:41:11,325
Think you seem
a little nice for a pimp.
1059
00:41:12,034 --> 00:41:14,077
You're a little pretty
for a comedienne.
1060
00:41:14,328 --> 00:41:16,288
Well, cheers to staying out
of the spotlight.
1061
00:41:17,164 --> 00:41:21,501
Ladies and gentlemen, your host,
George Carlin!
1062
00:41:21,668 --> 00:41:23,962
You can't just let me come out
from behind a goddamn curtain?
1063
00:41:24,129 --> 00:41:26,215
I have to descend
like Norma fuckin' Desmond.
1064
00:41:26,381 --> 00:41:28,508
All right. Fuck you, everyone.
1065
00:41:28,675 --> 00:41:30,677
Fuck you, fuck you.
1066
00:41:30,844 --> 00:41:32,137
I've definitely fucked you.
1067
00:41:32,304 --> 00:41:33,764
- Fuck you.
- Yeah.
1068
00:41:33,931 --> 00:41:35,849
- Fuck you.
- Fuck all of you.
1069
00:41:36,016 --> 00:41:37,100
You have to distract her.
1070
00:41:37,267 --> 00:41:38,393
How?
1071
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:39,895
With your sparkling wit.
1072
00:41:42,272 --> 00:41:43,357
Excuse me, miss.
1073
00:41:43,357 --> 00:41:45,234
Could you confirm that this is
a normal deck of cards?
1074
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:46,860
No marks, no folds,
no blemishes?
1075
00:41:47,027 --> 00:41:49,279
- George!
- Yeah. All right.
1076
00:41:50,072 --> 00:41:52,157
Welcome to the show.
I have some musics and laughs.
1077
00:41:52,324 --> 00:41:54,576
I plug the record,
blah-blah-blah.
1078
00:41:54,576 --> 00:41:57,538
Regular old deck, 52 cards.
I am going to make...
1079
00:41:57,538 --> 00:41:59,331
- George, keep going, please.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1080
00:41:59,331 --> 00:42:00,791
You ever look at the crowds
in old movies
1081
00:42:00,791 --> 00:42:02,167
and wonder if they're dead yet?
1082
00:42:02,334 --> 00:42:03,544
Slow, slow, slow!
1083
00:42:05,504 --> 00:42:07,548
Are you fucking kidding me
with this shit?
1084
00:42:07,965 --> 00:42:09,424
And throw to Janis.
1085
00:42:09,841 --> 00:42:10,842
What?
1086
00:42:11,009 --> 00:42:13,345
Yeah, throw it to Janis.
Introduce her, please.
1087
00:42:13,971 --> 00:42:16,014
- Keep going.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
1088
00:42:16,181 --> 00:42:17,474
Janis Ian.
1089
00:42:18,016 --> 00:42:21,937
I learned the truth at 17
1090
00:42:22,104 --> 00:42:26,066
That love was meant
for beauty queens
1091
00:42:27,150 --> 00:42:29,611
And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles
1092
00:42:30,445 --> 00:42:33,574
Who married young
and then retired
1093
00:42:35,325 --> 00:42:36,410
- Mr. Carlin?
- Yeah?
1094
00:42:36,577 --> 00:42:38,912
I am Joan Carbunkle,
NBC standards.
1095
00:42:39,079 --> 00:42:40,747
- I didn't know they had any.
- Joan, he's very busy.
1096
00:42:40,914 --> 00:42:42,291
Just please share your concerns
with me, all right?
1097
00:42:42,457 --> 00:42:44,668
No, no, no. I'd like to hear
her concerns personally,
1098
00:42:44,668 --> 00:42:45,752
if you don't mind.
1099
00:42:45,919 --> 00:42:47,588
I know you have
a propensity for the obscene...
1100
00:42:47,754 --> 00:42:50,424
and a lurid interest
in colorful language.
1101
00:42:50,591 --> 00:42:51,925
- Thank you very much.
- Mr. Carlin...
1102
00:42:52,092 --> 00:42:53,385
you'll be happy to know
that there is...
1103
00:42:54,511 --> 00:42:56,305
one delay button...
1104
00:42:56,471 --> 00:42:58,891
and my finger is on it.
1105
00:43:01,602 --> 00:43:03,604
I'm surprised
you even found the button...
1106
00:43:03,770 --> 00:43:05,230
let alone touched it.
1107
00:43:07,566 --> 00:43:09,067
Is this your eight of diamonds?
1108
00:43:10,569 --> 00:43:13,780
Who called to say
come dance with me
1109
00:43:15,532 --> 00:43:16,533
Are you gonna help?
1110
00:43:16,700 --> 00:43:19,870
I really wish we could,
but we don't do bricks.
1111
00:43:20,037 --> 00:43:21,496
What guild is it
that does the bricks?
1112
00:43:21,663 --> 00:43:22,956
Is that 422?
1113
00:43:23,123 --> 00:43:25,042
No, that's carpenters.
How about 303?
1114
00:43:25,209 --> 00:43:27,211
Nah, that's the pipefitters.
1115
00:43:28,587 --> 00:43:30,214
I don't know
why you're laying brick.
1116
00:43:30,380 --> 00:43:31,965
You're gonna be gone
in two weeks.
1117
00:43:32,132 --> 00:43:35,510
A brown-eyed girl
in hand-me-downs
1118
00:43:35,677 --> 00:43:37,971
So, it's gonna be like one of
those 1950s safari flicks.
1119
00:43:38,138 --> 00:43:39,765
You know, the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward.
1120
00:43:39,932 --> 00:43:41,516
That's a prop.
1121
00:43:44,186 --> 00:43:46,313
So, I want you to take
this bowl of potato chips here.
1122
00:43:46,313 --> 00:43:47,481
- Me?
- Yes, you.
1123
00:43:47,481 --> 00:43:48,607
I want you to reach into them.
1124
00:43:48,774 --> 00:43:49,775
Every time I take a step,
1125
00:43:49,775 --> 00:43:50,901
give 'em a little crunch,
all right?
1126
00:43:50,901 --> 00:43:52,778
It's like we're in the safari.
Ready?
1127
00:43:53,153 --> 00:43:54,238
Give it a try.
1128
00:43:59,076 --> 00:44:00,077
Early.
1129
00:44:00,244 --> 00:44:02,037
I just got this job.
1130
00:44:02,871 --> 00:44:04,164
Now we're getting it.
1131
00:44:05,707 --> 00:44:07,543
You piece of shit.
1132
00:44:08,293 --> 00:44:10,337
That was nice. Not bad.
1133
00:44:18,011 --> 00:44:19,263
Don't shoot me.
1134
00:44:22,849 --> 00:44:23,976
I know that noise.
1135
00:44:25,143 --> 00:44:27,062
That's a monkey
being run over by the C-train.
1136
00:44:28,730 --> 00:44:30,107
My archnemesis.
1137
00:44:30,399 --> 00:44:31,525
Here he comes.
1138
00:44:38,407 --> 00:44:40,075
There's no way
they're gonna fit all that show.
1139
00:44:41,660 --> 00:44:42,661
You think?
1140
00:44:43,871 --> 00:44:45,873
Yeah, something's got to go.
Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes?
1141
00:44:46,039 --> 00:44:47,082
You're doing great, Billy.
1142
00:44:47,249 --> 00:44:49,001
- That was weird.
- Yep. We're fucked.
1143
00:45:00,178 --> 00:45:03,015
Excuse me, "ociffer,"
have I done somethin' wrong?
1144
00:45:03,974 --> 00:45:05,809
What do we have here?
1145
00:45:05,976 --> 00:45:08,395
Why, that would be my ass.
1146
00:45:11,982 --> 00:45:13,775
Billy Preston's band
hooked it up.
1147
00:45:13,942 --> 00:45:15,527
Medical grade, baby.
1148
00:45:15,694 --> 00:45:17,821
Floats in the bottle
and then you...
1149
00:45:21,366 --> 00:45:22,367
Checks out.
1150
00:45:22,993 --> 00:45:24,161
Medical grade.
1151
00:45:25,495 --> 00:45:27,664
So, tell me how you fit
into this ensemble.
1152
00:45:27,998 --> 00:45:29,499
Is this an ensemble?
1153
00:45:29,958 --> 00:45:32,878
No, we have many talented,
talented improvisers...
1154
00:45:33,045 --> 00:45:34,922
from Chicago and Toronto and...
1155
00:45:35,088 --> 00:45:36,089
And Boston.
1156
00:45:36,256 --> 00:45:38,425
And Boston.
Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston.
1157
00:45:38,592 --> 00:45:39,593
You've met my fiancée?
1158
00:45:40,219 --> 00:45:41,220
Missed a little there.
1159
00:45:42,387 --> 00:45:43,513
But to answer your question...
1160
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:45,724
- While I've got you captive.
- They want to shave me.
1161
00:45:45,891 --> 00:45:47,726
Careful. There's no jaw
under that beard,
1162
00:45:47,893 --> 00:45:48,977
just 10 pounds of neck.
1163
00:45:49,144 --> 00:45:50,312
Chevy.
1164
00:45:52,064 --> 00:45:55,025
Jesus Christ, you psycho,
you son of a bitch!
1165
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,152
Shove it up your fucking ass!
1166
00:45:58,612 --> 00:46:00,781
Hey, hey, hey, stop right now!
1167
00:46:01,657 --> 00:46:04,868
Guys! Goddamn it!
Stop! Stop! Chevy, out!
1168
00:46:05,035 --> 00:46:06,995
- Don't feed coke to the animals!
- Out! Chev!
1169
00:46:08,330 --> 00:46:10,207
Take a seat.
1170
00:46:11,792 --> 00:46:12,793
Yeah.
1171
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:14,336
You okay, John?
1172
00:46:14,503 --> 00:46:15,546
So, we're throwing things now?
1173
00:46:15,712 --> 00:46:16,880
He started it.
1174
00:46:17,339 --> 00:46:18,549
It's just a shave, John.
1175
00:46:18,715 --> 00:46:20,217
So, NBC owns my fucking face?
1176
00:46:20,384 --> 00:46:21,426
- No.
- Yeah, a little bit.
1177
00:46:21,593 --> 00:46:23,303
But would Jimi Hendrix play
in mittens?
1178
00:46:23,470 --> 00:46:24,638
That's a good point.
1179
00:46:25,847 --> 00:46:28,100
John, you're going to go down
as one of the giants
1180
00:46:28,100 --> 00:46:29,268
of character expressionism...
1181
00:46:29,268 --> 00:46:30,811
from Chaplin to Brando.
1182
00:46:30,978 --> 00:46:31,979
Belushi...
1183
00:46:32,396 --> 00:46:33,397
Why hide your gift?
1184
00:46:33,564 --> 00:46:35,023
Beards are for pussies.
1185
00:46:36,441 --> 00:46:37,651
And the bees are bullshit.
1186
00:46:37,818 --> 00:46:38,986
You think I don't know that?
Of course, they are.
1187
00:46:39,152 --> 00:46:40,821
They're stupid,
they're postmodern...
1188
00:46:40,988 --> 00:46:43,323
they're Warhol, they're iconic,
they're Sergeant Pepper.
1189
00:46:43,490 --> 00:46:45,158
- So well said.
- I'm glad you get it.
1190
00:46:46,326 --> 00:46:47,327
John...
1191
00:46:47,494 --> 00:46:48,745
we go live in less than an hour.
1192
00:46:48,912 --> 00:46:50,122
45 minutes.
1193
00:46:54,042 --> 00:46:55,961
I need you
to sign your contract.
1194
00:47:04,511 --> 00:47:05,512
Yeah.
1195
00:47:06,805 --> 00:47:07,806
What?
1196
00:47:07,973 --> 00:47:08,974
What's happening?
1197
00:47:09,391 --> 00:47:10,642
What happened to the music?
1198
00:47:11,852 --> 00:47:13,604
Hey! Why did you stop playing?
1199
00:47:13,770 --> 00:47:15,105
The speakers went out.
1200
00:47:15,480 --> 00:47:16,481
- All of them?
- All of them.
1201
00:47:16,648 --> 00:47:18,317
What the hell is happening?
What... Dick?
1202
00:47:18,483 --> 00:47:20,360
I'm on with the outfit
that supplied speakers at...
1203
00:47:20,527 --> 00:47:21,528
- Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza.
- Toscanini!
1204
00:47:21,695 --> 00:47:23,864
Height of audio fidelity!
What can we be doing?
1205
00:47:24,031 --> 00:47:25,365
Yeah, what can we be doing?
1206
00:47:25,532 --> 00:47:26,742
We got no sound.
1207
00:47:26,909 --> 00:47:29,745
Idiot on the light board,
and we go live in 45.
1208
00:47:30,162 --> 00:47:31,455
What do you want to rehearse?
1209
00:47:34,499 --> 00:47:35,584
We could pull up...
1210
00:47:35,584 --> 00:47:36,668
Weekend Update?
1211
00:47:36,668 --> 00:47:38,337
Do you want
to do Weekend Update? Yeah.
1212
00:47:38,337 --> 00:47:40,172
All right, everyone,
we're moving to Weekend Update.
1213
00:47:40,339 --> 00:47:42,674
- Okay, great, great.
- Don, stand by for your intro.
1214
00:47:44,259 --> 00:47:46,011
Here we go. Move it, people.
1215
00:47:56,897 --> 00:47:58,023
Let's go. Let's go.
1216
00:47:58,524 --> 00:47:59,525
I'm good. Fine.
1217
00:48:03,028 --> 00:48:06,281
From Saturday Night News
headquarters.
1218
00:48:06,448 --> 00:48:08,367
This is Weekend Update...
1219
00:48:08,534 --> 00:48:10,494
with Lorne Michaels.
1220
00:48:18,502 --> 00:48:20,003
Our top story tonight...
1221
00:48:20,170 --> 00:48:21,213
some world news.
1222
00:48:21,380 --> 00:48:23,590
Japanese Emperor Hirohito
met Mickey Mouse
1223
00:48:23,590 --> 00:48:25,008
at Disneyland this week.
1224
00:48:25,175 --> 00:48:28,262
The emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.
1225
00:48:33,100 --> 00:48:34,101
How was that?
1226
00:48:34,268 --> 00:48:35,352
It was horrible.
1227
00:48:36,311 --> 00:48:37,312
Right.
1228
00:48:39,565 --> 00:48:42,609
And now with a weather report...
1229
00:48:42,776 --> 00:48:45,988
we turn it over
to meteorologist John Belushi.
1230
00:48:46,154 --> 00:48:47,781
What's it looking like
out there, John?
1231
00:48:47,948 --> 00:48:49,241
Thank you, Lorne.
1232
00:48:49,241 --> 00:48:50,492
It's often said,
1233
00:48:50,492 --> 00:48:53,704
"March comes in like a lion
and goes out like a lamb."
1234
00:48:53,912 --> 00:48:56,456
But did you know March behaves
differently in other countries?
1235
00:48:57,040 --> 00:48:58,333
In Norway, for example,
1236
00:48:58,333 --> 00:49:01,253
March comes in like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.
1237
00:49:01,670 --> 00:49:03,630
Or consider
the Republic of South Africa...
1238
00:49:03,797 --> 00:49:05,257
where March comes in like a lion
1239
00:49:05,257 --> 00:49:06,592
and goes out
like a different lion.
1240
00:49:06,758 --> 00:49:08,176
Like one has a mane
1241
00:49:08,176 --> 00:49:10,304
and the other
doesn't have a mane.
1242
00:49:10,470 --> 00:49:13,265
And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo...
1243
00:49:13,432 --> 00:49:14,933
and stays a kangaroo
for a while.
1244
00:49:15,100 --> 00:49:16,143
Australia.
1245
00:49:16,310 --> 00:49:18,145
Then for a couple of days,
it's sort of a cross between...
1246
00:49:18,312 --> 00:49:20,397
a frilled lizard
and a common house cat.
1247
00:49:20,814 --> 00:49:23,233
Then it changes back
into a smaller kangaroo...
1248
00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:25,527
and then it goes out
like a wild dingo!
1249
00:49:25,777 --> 00:49:27,321
No, no, and it's not Australia!
1250
00:49:27,654 --> 00:49:29,656
You'd think it'd be Australia,
but it's not!
1251
00:49:31,033 --> 00:49:32,868
And there are
nine different countries...
1252
00:49:32,868 --> 00:49:34,494
where March comes in like a frog
1253
00:49:34,494 --> 00:49:36,371
and goes out
like a golden retriever.
1254
00:49:36,371 --> 00:49:38,165
But that's not the weird part.
No, no, no.
1255
00:49:38,332 --> 00:49:40,500
The weird part is the frog.
The frog.
1256
00:49:40,667 --> 00:49:41,793
The weird part is the...
1257
00:49:45,714 --> 00:49:46,715
Okay.
1258
00:49:47,883 --> 00:49:48,884
John.
1259
00:49:50,344 --> 00:49:51,970
Are you all right? Are you okay?
1260
00:49:52,387 --> 00:49:53,388
I give in.
1261
00:49:53,889 --> 00:49:54,890
That was brilliant.
1262
00:49:55,057 --> 00:49:57,100
Now I need you
to sign your contract.
1263
00:50:00,646 --> 00:50:01,980
- Was that a yes?
- That was a yes.
1264
00:50:02,147 --> 00:50:03,690
- Was that a yes? Okay.
- That was a yes.
1265
00:50:03,857 --> 00:50:05,150
- Neil, can I get the contract?
- Yeah.
1266
00:50:06,026 --> 00:50:07,402
Okay. Do you have a pen?
1267
00:50:08,153 --> 00:50:09,196
Lorne, Lorne, Lorne,
1268
00:50:09,196 --> 00:50:11,198
there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office.
1269
00:50:12,032 --> 00:50:13,242
Burbank?
1270
00:50:13,408 --> 00:50:14,409
Carson.
1271
00:50:14,952 --> 00:50:16,620
Okay. Someone get him a pen.
1272
00:50:16,787 --> 00:50:18,247
Don't let him use it as a straw.
1273
00:50:18,872 --> 00:50:21,166
Rehearse something. Anything.
1274
00:50:21,333 --> 00:50:23,460
All right,
Bee Hospital stage left.
1275
00:50:23,627 --> 00:50:25,170
Let's go. We're moving.
Here we go.
1276
00:50:26,255 --> 00:50:27,881
- Great work, guys.
- Excuse me.
1277
00:50:28,048 --> 00:50:30,008
Hey, Mr. Michaels.
1278
00:50:30,008 --> 00:50:31,260
- Mr. Henson.
- Hey.
1279
00:50:31,260 --> 00:50:33,554
I'm excited to see what you
and your merry band of creatures
1280
00:50:33,554 --> 00:50:34,972
have in store for us tonight.
1281
00:50:34,972 --> 00:50:37,474
Well, Lorne, we don't have
any script pages yet...
1282
00:50:37,474 --> 00:50:40,269
so, the Muppets
are flyin' blind here.
1283
00:50:40,269 --> 00:50:41,687
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of it.
1284
00:50:41,687 --> 00:50:42,980
Neil, Jim needs his pages.
1285
00:50:42,980 --> 00:50:45,107
Thank you. Thank you.
And please, sorry, Lorne...
1286
00:50:46,024 --> 00:50:48,068
can you please
remind your crew...
1287
00:50:48,235 --> 00:50:51,864
not to leave the Muppets
in compromising positions?
1288
00:50:53,323 --> 00:50:54,825
That doesn't sound like them.
1289
00:50:55,200 --> 00:50:57,286
Well, they left a note.
1290
00:50:58,036 --> 00:50:59,037
They didn't.
1291
00:50:59,204 --> 00:51:00,205
They did.
1292
00:51:00,789 --> 00:51:01,790
It said...
1293
00:51:04,501 --> 00:51:06,670
"Fuck-Rags for rent."
1294
00:51:08,088 --> 00:51:09,089
Okay?
1295
00:51:09,256 --> 00:51:10,924
I know what that means, so...
1296
00:51:11,967 --> 00:51:13,635
I'll talk to Michael.
Immediately.
1297
00:51:13,802 --> 00:51:14,887
Thank you.
1298
00:51:17,639 --> 00:51:18,640
All right. Thank you.
1299
00:51:19,766 --> 00:51:20,851
Hey, Bernie.
1300
00:51:21,018 --> 00:51:22,185
No, you're good.
1301
00:51:28,066 --> 00:51:29,318
Hello, this is Lorne.
1302
00:51:29,610 --> 00:51:31,945
I was beginning to think
you didn't like me.
1303
00:51:32,112 --> 00:51:33,363
Of course not, Mr. Carson.
1304
00:51:33,363 --> 00:51:35,157
You're the voice
of a generation.
1305
00:51:35,324 --> 00:51:37,451
I just wanted
to reach out and say,
1306
00:51:37,451 --> 00:51:38,660
"Good luck tonight."
1307
00:51:38,827 --> 00:51:40,037
That's very kind.
1308
00:51:40,204 --> 00:51:41,872
And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure...
1309
00:51:42,039 --> 00:51:44,875
we don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.
1310
00:51:45,042 --> 00:51:46,043
Right.
1311
00:51:46,043 --> 00:51:47,294
You know how this all started,
don't you?
1312
00:51:47,294 --> 00:51:48,378
Just sign it, John.
1313
00:51:49,254 --> 00:51:50,464
Just sign it, John.
1314
00:51:50,631 --> 00:51:52,174
With a kite and a key, I'm sure.
1315
00:51:52,341 --> 00:51:53,842
Don't be a dipshit
for a second, kid.
1316
00:51:54,343 --> 00:51:55,552
I'm sure you've heard by now
1317
00:51:55,552 --> 00:51:57,554
that Mommy and Daddy
are fighting...
1318
00:51:57,721 --> 00:52:00,474
and that's why you got
the house to yourself tonight.
1319
00:52:00,474 --> 00:52:01,934
Frankly, it's the only reason
1320
00:52:01,934 --> 00:52:04,686
they ever greenlight
your little talent show.
1321
00:52:05,395 --> 00:52:07,356
Look, these things
always go the same way.
1322
00:52:07,689 --> 00:52:09,942
First, they try to fuck you,
and then they buy you dinner.
1323
00:52:10,484 --> 00:52:12,277
I'm not opposed
to Saturday Night...
1324
00:52:12,277 --> 00:52:13,695
even if it is
a dumping ground...
1325
00:52:13,695 --> 00:52:14,780
No. No.
1326
00:52:14,780 --> 00:52:16,782
...for the deadbeats
and bagheads.
1327
00:52:16,782 --> 00:52:18,325
- Dick, no.
- In the meantime, you get to...
1328
00:52:18,492 --> 00:52:19,743
play dress-up
on national television.
1329
00:52:19,743 --> 00:52:20,869
Don't let him hold the camera.
1330
00:52:20,869 --> 00:52:21,954
Good for you.
1331
00:52:22,371 --> 00:52:24,081
So, here's some friendly advice.
1332
00:52:24,915 --> 00:52:26,208
Enjoy your little show...
1333
00:52:26,375 --> 00:52:27,918
but don't get too comfortable.
1334
00:52:28,585 --> 00:52:30,754
You're a benchwarmer,
a stalking horse.
1335
00:52:30,921 --> 00:52:33,674
It's my fucking network.
It's my fucking night.
1336
00:52:34,967 --> 00:52:35,968
No hard feelings, though.
1337
00:52:36,134 --> 00:52:38,136
Fuck the bees
and fuck this show!
1338
00:52:38,303 --> 00:52:39,888
John. Hey, where are you going?
1339
00:52:40,055 --> 00:52:41,431
I go where I'm kicked!
1340
00:52:41,807 --> 00:52:43,767
Heard you are
a halfway decent writer.
1341
00:52:44,685 --> 00:52:46,186
Send me some samples sometime.
1342
00:52:46,353 --> 00:52:47,813
We're always looking
for a bunch of 'em.
1343
00:52:49,857 --> 00:52:50,941
How'd the call go?
1344
00:52:51,108 --> 00:52:52,442
Tremendous.
Thank you for asking.
1345
00:52:52,609 --> 00:52:54,444
- Great.
- Belushi walked.
1346
00:52:54,611 --> 00:52:56,488
- What? He quit?
- No, well, technically...
1347
00:52:56,655 --> 00:52:58,448
he would need a fucking job
to quit! But, yes, he walked.
1348
00:52:58,615 --> 00:53:00,075
We need to find him.
I'll take the eighth floor.
1349
00:53:00,242 --> 00:53:01,660
You take the ninth, okay?
1350
00:53:02,035 --> 00:53:03,036
Okay.
1351
00:53:04,329 --> 00:53:05,706
Hey, have you seen John Belushi?
1352
00:53:05,706 --> 00:53:06,790
No.
1353
00:53:08,375 --> 00:53:09,626
There's a reason
they call it master control.
1354
00:53:09,793 --> 00:53:10,794
Sorry, Jim,
have you seen John Belushi?
1355
00:53:10,961 --> 00:53:13,255
You want to hand the airwaves
over to that maniac?
1356
00:53:13,422 --> 00:53:15,841
- Have you seen Belushi?
- I'm not an animal wrangler.
1357
00:53:16,383 --> 00:53:17,384
Belushi? Belushi?
1358
00:53:17,551 --> 00:53:18,719
- Belushi?
- Belushi?
1359
00:53:18,886 --> 00:53:20,220
- Belushi?
- Belushi?
1360
00:53:20,387 --> 00:53:23,098
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi? John?
1361
00:53:28,353 --> 00:53:29,605
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.
1362
00:53:29,605 --> 00:53:31,440
Have you seen
John Belushi anywhere?
1363
00:53:32,024 --> 00:53:34,109
Yeah, sure. He was hangin' out
with us yesterday.
1364
00:53:34,109 --> 00:53:35,277
Right, Howard?
1365
00:53:35,444 --> 00:53:36,945
No, sorry. I meant
in the last few minutes.
1366
00:53:37,112 --> 00:53:38,280
- Did he...
- No.
1367
00:53:39,489 --> 00:53:41,200
Well, you seem stressed.
You okay, buddy?
1368
00:53:41,366 --> 00:53:43,285
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You need a hit?
1369
00:53:44,786 --> 00:53:46,997
No, no, no, that's fine.
That's okay.
1370
00:53:48,123 --> 00:53:49,208
I think it'd help.
1371
00:53:50,584 --> 00:53:51,585
That makes sense.
1372
00:53:54,296 --> 00:53:55,297
There we go.
1373
00:53:58,508 --> 00:53:59,843
Look at him.
1374
00:54:00,010 --> 00:54:01,887
Attaboy.
1375
00:54:02,054 --> 00:54:03,847
Good luck on your quest, amigo.
1376
00:54:07,309 --> 00:54:09,102
Have you seen John Belushi?
1377
00:54:09,811 --> 00:54:10,979
Have you guys seen John?
1378
00:54:11,146 --> 00:54:13,649
Neil, who do you think I am?
1379
00:54:14,358 --> 00:54:15,651
Human bumblebee.
1380
00:54:15,817 --> 00:54:17,194
No, man. I am talking about...
1381
00:54:17,361 --> 00:54:20,364
what is my identity on the show?
1382
00:54:20,531 --> 00:54:21,949
Don't ask me that right now.
1383
00:54:22,866 --> 00:54:24,826
I can't answer that right now.
1384
00:54:29,748 --> 00:54:31,250
What the hell are you doing?
1385
00:54:34,336 --> 00:54:35,337
Thank you.
1386
00:54:39,883 --> 00:54:41,134
Has anybody seen John?
1387
00:54:41,301 --> 00:54:43,303
- I'm John.
- I'm John.
1388
00:54:43,470 --> 00:54:44,471
- No. No.
- I'm John.
1389
00:54:44,638 --> 00:54:46,306
- I'm John.
- No. No.
1390
00:54:46,473 --> 00:54:48,225
- I'm John.
- I'm John.
1391
00:54:48,392 --> 00:54:49,393
Hold this, please.
1392
00:54:53,063 --> 00:54:54,064
One of them is mine.
1393
00:54:54,064 --> 00:54:55,232
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi?
1394
00:54:55,232 --> 00:54:56,942
Hey, you're... Kid, why are you
holding your face like that?
1395
00:54:56,942 --> 00:54:58,527
- Why are you shouting?
- Sweetie, are you okay?
1396
00:54:58,527 --> 00:55:01,655
I don't know.
I can hear my own blood.
1397
00:55:02,573 --> 00:55:03,574
Am I gonna be okay?
1398
00:55:03,740 --> 00:55:05,742
Don't ask her.
She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid.
1399
00:55:05,909 --> 00:55:07,369
I know that!
1400
00:55:07,870 --> 00:55:09,663
- Look, should I be worried?
- About Neil?
1401
00:55:09,830 --> 00:55:11,164
No. Fuck Neil. About my act.
1402
00:55:11,331 --> 00:55:13,375
I can't get a straight answer
out of Lorne.
1403
00:55:13,542 --> 00:55:15,878
Billy, you're family.
1404
00:55:17,212 --> 00:55:18,297
- Neil...
- Neil...
1405
00:55:21,967 --> 00:55:23,594
This week on The Rumpus Hour.
1406
00:55:23,760 --> 00:55:25,137
Tony Orlando and Dawn,
1407
00:55:25,137 --> 00:55:27,264
Shields and Yarnell,
the Domingo Brothers...
1408
00:55:27,264 --> 00:55:29,892
and your favorite juggling
barbershop quartet,
1409
00:55:29,892 --> 00:55:31,226
Macho Quatro.
1410
00:55:31,226 --> 00:55:33,770
{\an8}Lorne. You know Milton Berle?
1411
00:55:33,937 --> 00:55:36,648
Absolutely. Big fan.
I grew up on your work.
1412
00:55:36,815 --> 00:55:38,358
Who didn't?
Hear it's your big night.
1413
00:55:38,525 --> 00:55:40,611
Planning on it.
How's it all coming?
1414
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:42,779
Just perfect.
1415
00:55:42,946 --> 00:55:44,656
- You never hear that.
- You certainly don't.
1416
00:55:45,908 --> 00:55:48,619
Yep. Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories, I'm sure.
1417
00:55:48,785 --> 00:55:49,953
Sure, sure. Yeah.
1418
00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:52,164
Used to call this
the RCA Radio Tower.
1419
00:55:52,331 --> 00:55:53,957
Radio, that wonderful invention
1420
00:55:53,957 --> 00:55:55,626
by which I could reach
a million people.
1421
00:55:55,792 --> 00:55:57,544
Who fortunately
couldn't reach me.
1422
00:55:57,711 --> 00:56:01,882
You know, Milt's TV show
once pulled a 97 share.
1423
00:56:02,049 --> 00:56:06,345
97% of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.
1424
00:56:06,511 --> 00:56:08,513
Do you ever miss
being Mr. Television?
1425
00:56:09,848 --> 00:56:11,266
What is he talking about?
1426
00:56:11,433 --> 00:56:12,434
Lorne...
1427
00:56:12,601 --> 00:56:14,978
Milton remains
one of the Peacock's
1428
00:56:14,978 --> 00:56:16,605
most colorful feathers.
1429
00:56:16,772 --> 00:56:18,398
- It's quite a feather.
- Of course, of course.
1430
00:56:18,565 --> 00:56:20,609
And I'm looking forward
to hosting your show.
1431
00:56:21,318 --> 00:56:23,111
Well, we'd be honored.
1432
00:56:23,403 --> 00:56:25,113
I think there's still so many
decisions we'd have to make.
1433
00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:26,406
I'm hearing episode five.
1434
00:56:26,573 --> 00:56:29,660
The boys upstairs love it
and the affiliates ate it up.
1435
00:56:29,826 --> 00:56:30,994
Well, they're the real boss.
1436
00:56:31,161 --> 00:56:34,373
Right. Well, it is a late show.
Are you suited for midnight?
1437
00:56:35,624 --> 00:56:38,335
At 67, I still feel like
a 20-year-old.
1438
00:56:38,502 --> 00:56:40,420
Unfortunately,
there's never one around.
1439
00:56:40,963 --> 00:56:42,089
Your reputation precedes you.
1440
00:56:42,256 --> 00:56:44,967
Yeah, by about 11 inches.
Excuse me a second.
1441
00:56:47,511 --> 00:56:49,179
Any sign of Belushi?
1442
00:56:49,805 --> 00:56:50,847
John?
1443
00:56:51,014 --> 00:56:52,432
I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?
1444
00:56:52,599 --> 00:56:54,643
Legal is frantic
for his paperwork.
1445
00:56:54,810 --> 00:56:55,936
That's strange.
I'll look into it.
1446
00:56:56,103 --> 00:56:57,563
Lorne, I can only imagine...
1447
00:56:57,729 --> 00:56:59,314
what must be running
through your mind.
1448
00:56:59,481 --> 00:57:01,817
The thought,
no matter how improbable...
1449
00:57:01,984 --> 00:57:03,652
that you might
not make it to air.
1450
00:57:03,819 --> 00:57:05,654
- Hadn't even occurred to me.
- Really?
1451
00:57:05,821 --> 00:57:08,866
I heard that you were having
some technical difficulties.
1452
00:57:09,032 --> 00:57:10,033
None that I know of.
1453
00:57:10,534 --> 00:57:11,535
What the fuck?
1454
00:57:11,702 --> 00:57:12,786
I just heard that...
1455
00:57:12,953 --> 00:57:14,538
your writers were stoned...
1456
00:57:14,705 --> 00:57:16,707
your actors were physically
assaulting each other.
1457
00:57:17,708 --> 00:57:18,792
The sound system was down.
1458
00:57:18,959 --> 00:57:20,085
What the hell
is happening? What...
1459
00:57:20,252 --> 00:57:21,587
And a fire broke out earlier.
1460
00:57:24,923 --> 00:57:27,634
I've been doing this job
a long time. I've seen it all.
1461
00:57:29,595 --> 00:57:31,805
I'm sure you have it
all under control.
1462
00:57:33,390 --> 00:57:35,183
Minor issues, already addressed.
1463
00:57:35,726 --> 00:57:36,727
That's reassuring.
1464
00:57:36,894 --> 00:57:39,188
This whole conversation
is a soothing shower of relief.
1465
00:57:39,354 --> 00:57:41,023
Hey, good, good. Look.
1466
00:57:41,190 --> 00:57:43,609
If for some reason
you can't lock your script...
1467
00:57:44,610 --> 00:57:47,446
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts...
1468
00:57:47,613 --> 00:57:48,864
rest assured...
1469
00:57:49,364 --> 00:57:52,201
the country will be
happy to watch Johnny Carson.
1470
00:57:53,577 --> 00:57:56,079
Well, we could always play
the tape of dress rehearsal.
1471
00:57:56,246 --> 00:57:57,915
Worst-case scenario.
1472
00:57:59,166 --> 00:58:00,584
That's not the worst case.
1473
00:58:17,142 --> 00:58:19,186
Fuck me. That's a lot of cards.
1474
00:58:19,770 --> 00:58:21,897
Yeah. What's the fastest you can
do your set? Top to bottom.
1475
00:58:22,064 --> 00:58:23,232
- Five minutes.
- Yeah, me too.
1476
00:58:23,398 --> 00:58:24,858
- Could you do it in four?
- Probably.
1477
00:58:25,025 --> 00:58:26,026
Yeah, me too.
1478
00:58:27,819 --> 00:58:29,571
So, look,
they're gonna offer us three...
1479
00:58:30,155 --> 00:58:31,740
but we got to draw the line
at four. All right?
1480
00:58:32,491 --> 00:58:34,618
Okay. I want to do the show.
1481
00:58:34,785 --> 00:58:36,578
Yeah, we're doing the show.
We just can't get jerked around.
1482
00:58:36,745 --> 00:58:37,746
- That's all.
- But we're doing the show?
1483
00:58:37,913 --> 00:58:39,373
Of course, we're doing the show.
We just got to be
1484
00:58:39,373 --> 00:58:40,999
- in this together.
- Okay.
1485
00:58:42,668 --> 00:58:43,794
Neil, sweetie.
1486
00:58:43,961 --> 00:58:45,587
- Is everything okay in there?
- Hello?
1487
00:58:45,754 --> 00:58:48,006
Special delivery for Neil Levy.
Flowers.
1488
00:58:48,173 --> 00:58:49,424
- Candygram.
- What's with the convention?
1489
00:58:49,591 --> 00:58:51,176
Neil, it's your mother.
Open the door!
1490
00:58:51,343 --> 00:58:53,720
Don't say that. He's gonna
believe you if you say that.
1491
00:58:53,887 --> 00:58:56,265
Hey, Neil. Buddy.
You freaking out in there?
1492
00:58:56,431 --> 00:58:58,475
I took a hit
in the departure lounge.
1493
00:58:58,642 --> 00:59:00,269
All right. Whose grass was it?
1494
00:59:00,435 --> 00:59:01,854
One of the horn players.
1495
00:59:02,020 --> 00:59:03,105
Degenerates.
1496
00:59:03,272 --> 00:59:04,940
That's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.
1497
00:59:04,940 --> 00:59:06,650
What you smoked
was a sacred strain from...
1498
00:59:06,650 --> 00:59:08,151
the Isaan plateau in Thailand,
I believe.
1499
00:59:08,151 --> 00:59:09,236
The best plateau.
1500
00:59:09,236 --> 00:59:10,320
Make no mistake about it,
1501
00:59:10,320 --> 00:59:12,030
that stick's probably stronger
than a bull elephant.
1502
00:59:12,030 --> 00:59:14,491
But, listen, we're all a little
freaked out so...
1503
00:59:14,491 --> 00:59:15,617
- I'm freaked out.
- Why don't you come out...
1504
00:59:15,617 --> 00:59:17,077
and we can check on your face...
1505
00:59:17,077 --> 00:59:18,328
make sure it's not
inside out, okay?
1506
00:59:18,328 --> 00:59:19,955
- Come on, Neil.
- Show us your face, Neil!
1507
00:59:19,955 --> 00:59:21,331
Come on, there's nothing
to be afraid of.
1508
00:59:21,331 --> 00:59:23,208
- Come on.
- Come on out, Neil.
1509
00:59:24,501 --> 00:59:25,502
Oh, God!
1510
00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:28,797
No. I'm just kidding. Look.
You're gonna be fine.
1511
00:59:28,797 --> 00:59:30,132
We'll fix you up
with some amphetamines.
1512
00:59:30,132 --> 00:59:31,216
You'll be fit as a flea.
1513
00:59:31,216 --> 00:59:33,051
You might even like the stuff.
Cocaine.
1514
00:59:33,051 --> 00:59:34,428
Robert Louis Stevenson
actually did
1515
00:59:34,428 --> 00:59:35,596
some of his best writing
on the nose candy.
1516
00:59:35,596 --> 00:59:37,431
- Bobby.
- Not a lot of people know that.
1517
00:59:37,598 --> 00:59:38,765
Yeah, he was a big freak...
1518
00:59:38,765 --> 00:59:39,850
- for the Peruvian Lady.
- Hey!
1519
00:59:39,850 --> 00:59:40,934
We need everyone in togas!
1520
00:59:40,934 --> 00:59:42,811
Everyone down
to the eighth floor now!
1521
00:59:47,024 --> 00:59:48,358
I'm not in a toga!
1522
01:00:02,497 --> 01:00:05,167
Okay, okay.
But why are we yelling?
1523
01:00:07,753 --> 01:00:10,130
Rocky, there's no way these kids
are gonna hit their marks.
1524
01:00:10,297 --> 01:00:12,966
So you better be wide enough
to catch 'em all. We got that?
1525
01:00:13,133 --> 01:00:15,219
Hey, did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?
1526
01:00:17,596 --> 01:00:19,723
She was of two minds...
1527
01:00:23,227 --> 01:00:24,853
What is this? Why are you
cueing up Carson? Who is that?
1528
01:00:25,604 --> 01:00:26,939
I think that's Tony Curtis.
1529
01:00:27,105 --> 01:00:29,358
That's pretty normal right
before a live show, right, Dave?
1530
01:00:29,525 --> 01:00:31,485
Yeah. If anything goes wrong,
we bump to tape.
1531
01:00:31,652 --> 01:00:32,778
- See?
- Right.
1532
01:00:32,945 --> 01:00:34,613
Lorne! Lorne.
We found a lighting director.
1533
01:00:34,947 --> 01:00:35,948
Great. Go get him.
1534
01:00:36,114 --> 01:00:37,658
No, he's lighting
a show right now.
1535
01:00:37,658 --> 01:00:39,034
This will take some massaging.
1536
01:00:39,201 --> 01:00:40,202
We don't have...
1537
01:00:42,120 --> 01:00:43,121
What floor?
1538
01:00:44,039 --> 01:00:46,542
It's down on the sixth floor.
Some variety show.
1539
01:00:46,708 --> 01:00:47,918
And he knows I'm coming?
1540
01:00:49,878 --> 01:00:52,256
- Say, Lorne. This a bad time?
- Perfect time, Garrett.
1541
01:00:52,422 --> 01:00:53,924
Okay, I've been thinkin'.
1542
01:00:54,091 --> 01:00:56,134
Why did you hire me?
1543
01:00:56,301 --> 01:00:57,344
You were cheap.
1544
01:00:57,344 --> 01:00:58,428
Really?
1545
01:00:58,595 --> 01:01:00,138
I'm being ironical, Garrett.
1546
01:01:00,973 --> 01:01:01,974
The fuck?
1547
01:01:06,228 --> 01:01:07,229
Hey, Garrett.
1548
01:01:07,855 --> 01:01:08,856
What's wrong?
1549
01:01:09,940 --> 01:01:11,316
Nothin'. I'm just...
1550
01:01:12,276 --> 01:01:14,361
Just trying to figure out
exactly what it is
1551
01:01:14,361 --> 01:01:15,571
I am doing here.
1552
01:01:15,737 --> 01:01:16,989
Aw, what do you mean?
1553
01:01:17,406 --> 01:01:18,657
You know...
1554
01:01:18,824 --> 01:01:21,535
I just can't help but feeling
a little bit like an outsider.
1555
01:01:21,702 --> 01:01:23,120
Because you're so much older?
1556
01:01:23,287 --> 01:01:24,288
What?
1557
01:01:25,122 --> 01:01:27,291
I went to Juilliard.
1558
01:01:27,708 --> 01:01:29,668
I've been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.
1559
01:01:29,835 --> 01:01:33,422
Man, they got me buzzin' around
here in a goddamn bee suit...
1560
01:01:33,589 --> 01:01:35,465
and wavin' a gun around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.
1561
01:01:35,632 --> 01:01:37,676
These are not my strengths, man.
1562
01:01:37,843 --> 01:01:39,803
I am being under-utilized...
1563
01:01:39,970 --> 01:01:41,096
which makes me ponder...
1564
01:01:41,263 --> 01:01:43,265
what am I doing here?
1565
01:01:44,016 --> 01:01:45,267
You know how many operas
I've done?
1566
01:01:45,642 --> 01:01:47,102
- I have no idea, Garrett.
- Shit...
1567
01:01:47,269 --> 01:01:48,770
while Danny and Laraine
were eatin' Froot Loops...
1568
01:01:48,937 --> 01:01:53,650
I was performing
La Traviata in Italian.
1569
01:01:53,817 --> 01:01:54,818
Ya dig?
1570
01:01:54,985 --> 01:01:57,196
Of course, I dig, Garrett.
1571
01:01:59,823 --> 01:02:02,242
But no one is saying
you can't sing on the show.
1572
01:02:02,409 --> 01:02:03,410
Right?
1573
01:02:10,167 --> 01:02:11,210
Where's the Rumpus room?
1574
01:02:11,376 --> 01:02:13,921
Down on the right
1575
01:02:17,299 --> 01:02:18,300
Pardon me.
1576
01:02:26,225 --> 01:02:28,477
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- And three, two...
1577
01:02:36,652 --> 01:02:40,239
And we...
Seven, eight, and blocking!
1578
01:02:41,615 --> 01:02:44,701
Five, six... Uh-oh!
1579
01:02:45,285 --> 01:02:46,286
Smile!
1580
01:03:31,790 --> 01:03:34,001
Hey! You little fucker.
1581
01:03:34,585 --> 01:03:36,128
Get your head out of your ass.
1582
01:03:36,295 --> 01:03:39,214
Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter, Carl.
1583
01:03:40,132 --> 01:03:41,133
Carl?
1584
01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:42,926
I have a job offer.
1585
01:03:43,510 --> 01:03:46,013
Comes with no guarantees,
no perks, and no weekends.
1586
01:03:47,556 --> 01:03:48,557
How's the pay?
1587
01:03:50,309 --> 01:03:51,560
That's the worst part.
1588
01:03:56,106 --> 01:03:57,107
What the fuck?
1589
01:03:57,274 --> 01:03:58,317
- When do you start?
- Right now.
1590
01:03:58,483 --> 01:04:01,403
Send me a postcard from
the gutter, you little shit.
1591
01:04:13,248 --> 01:04:14,333
Rosie, you seen Jackie?
1592
01:04:14,499 --> 01:04:15,876
No. Sorry.
1593
01:04:16,043 --> 01:04:17,586
Knock, knock.
1594
01:04:18,128 --> 01:04:20,255
- Hi.
- Hi, stud. Can I see?
1595
01:04:20,422 --> 01:04:21,798
Can you get Chevy
to do this one?
1596
01:04:21,965 --> 01:04:24,009
No way. You look so sexy.
1597
01:04:24,176 --> 01:04:26,470
Hey. These can't be
the right size.
1598
01:04:26,637 --> 01:04:28,847
Yeah, you're right. They should
be a little bit smaller.
1599
01:04:29,723 --> 01:04:31,141
This feels like
it's a lot of leg.
1600
01:04:31,308 --> 01:04:32,601
You kidding, hot stuff?
1601
01:04:32,768 --> 01:04:33,936
You're gonna melt
every TV in America.
1602
01:04:33,936 --> 01:04:35,062
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1603
01:04:35,062 --> 01:04:36,772
You know, ma'am, you are dealing
1604
01:04:36,772 --> 01:04:38,106
with a fully-qualified
male strumpet here.
1605
01:04:38,106 --> 01:04:39,191
Male?
1606
01:04:39,191 --> 01:04:40,442
I've actually got
a work order...
1607
01:04:40,442 --> 01:04:44,029
stating I should be
rogering you roundly right now!
1608
01:04:44,196 --> 01:04:45,614
Hey, have you guys seen John?
1609
01:04:46,448 --> 01:04:48,909
No, I haven't seen him. Danny?
1610
01:04:49,076 --> 01:04:50,536
- Have you seen John?
- Yeah? John.
1611
01:04:50,702 --> 01:04:53,622
Well, John's an anarchist
and an Illinois alpha male.
1612
01:04:54,289 --> 01:04:55,374
What does that mean?
1613
01:04:56,375 --> 01:04:57,876
Well, see, boss, you and I,
1614
01:04:57,876 --> 01:04:59,253
if we were
to enter this space...
1615
01:04:59,419 --> 01:05:01,255
we'd be like
15th century peasants
1616
01:05:01,255 --> 01:05:02,381
walking into the Vatican...
1617
01:05:02,381 --> 01:05:04,091
but Belushi's
a whole other animal.
1618
01:05:04,258 --> 01:05:06,009
He's a skeptic and a sinner.
1619
01:05:06,176 --> 01:05:07,636
I'd give O'Houlihans a recce.
1620
01:05:08,011 --> 01:05:09,346
He's at the bar next door.
1621
01:05:10,556 --> 01:05:12,933
Barbara's still asking
about your credit on the show.
1622
01:05:13,100 --> 01:05:14,142
Whatever you think.
1623
01:05:14,309 --> 01:05:15,519
It's your name, Rose.
1624
01:05:17,563 --> 01:05:18,689
Has he only gotten that far?
1625
01:05:19,106 --> 01:05:21,441
We'd like to help,
but we're rootin' for the guy.
1626
01:05:21,608 --> 01:05:23,235
Well, at least
your heart's in it.
1627
01:05:23,402 --> 01:05:25,070
Hey, you seen Jacqueline,
my fiancée?
1628
01:05:25,237 --> 01:05:26,905
No, I haven't seen shit!
1629
01:05:27,656 --> 01:05:29,575
Ladies, have you seen Jackie?
1630
01:05:29,741 --> 01:05:30,742
- No. Sorry.
- All right, change of plans.
1631
01:05:30,909 --> 01:05:32,202
We're skippin' Ancient Greece
1632
01:05:32,202 --> 01:05:33,996
and we're movin'
into the break room.
1633
01:05:34,162 --> 01:05:35,289
Ladies, I need you
in your hard hats.
1634
01:05:35,455 --> 01:05:36,790
Okay? Right now. Come on.
1635
01:05:36,957 --> 01:05:39,084
I don't want to change.
1636
01:05:39,251 --> 01:05:40,836
Are we good? Is he all right?
1637
01:05:41,003 --> 01:05:42,713
Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean...
1638
01:05:42,713 --> 01:05:44,131
whatever's going on
between you and me
1639
01:05:44,131 --> 01:05:45,841
is the last thing
on his mind right now.
1640
01:05:46,008 --> 01:05:48,051
So the man doesn't wrestle
with the green-eyed monster?
1641
01:05:48,218 --> 01:05:50,137
Hardly. I mean, look,
I've known Lorne
1642
01:05:50,137 --> 01:05:51,805
since I had toilet paper tits.
1643
01:05:52,639 --> 01:05:54,266
One day, he just followed me
home from school
1644
01:05:54,266 --> 01:05:56,059
- and I never shook him.
- Pretty sure
1645
01:05:56,059 --> 01:05:57,769
- you can be arrested for that.
- Look out, Rosie!
1646
01:05:57,769 --> 01:05:59,104
Sorry, Moose.
1647
01:05:59,980 --> 01:06:01,231
Anyways, I don't know,
1648
01:06:01,231 --> 01:06:03,901
Lorne lost his dad
when he was 14...
1649
01:06:04,067 --> 01:06:05,652
and his mom sold everything...
1650
01:06:05,819 --> 01:06:08,238
and so he spent a whole year
without furniture.
1651
01:06:08,405 --> 01:06:09,990
So when I first met him,
I thought...
1652
01:06:10,157 --> 01:06:13,827
he's just a stray looking for
a spare piece of carpet...
1653
01:06:14,536 --> 01:06:16,246
like, he wants to be
a part of my family...
1654
01:06:16,413 --> 01:06:18,916
and I'm the kid sister
or something.
1655
01:06:19,666 --> 01:06:21,668
But then, hormones.
1656
01:06:21,835 --> 01:06:23,795
Turns out,
I'm not the kid sister...
1657
01:06:24,296 --> 01:06:27,466
and so we start dating
and I think...
1658
01:06:28,175 --> 01:06:31,011
"Okay, he wants to build
a family with me."
1659
01:06:31,428 --> 01:06:33,722
And we get married,
we buy a house.
1660
01:06:33,889 --> 01:06:35,766
I mean, no ring.
I think those are pretty stupid.
1661
01:06:35,933 --> 01:06:38,268
But linens and china.
1662
01:06:39,645 --> 01:06:42,147
And then it turns out...
1663
01:06:42,314 --> 01:06:44,650
I'm not the kid sister
or the wife.
1664
01:06:45,275 --> 01:06:46,276
So who are ya?
1665
01:06:46,735 --> 01:06:48,028
I'm the writer.
1666
01:06:48,195 --> 01:06:50,239
All right,
rehearsal's moments away.
1667
01:06:50,405 --> 01:06:51,740
And who's he?
1668
01:06:51,907 --> 01:06:54,535
We take you now
to Ancient Greece.
1669
01:06:54,535 --> 01:06:56,036
Not yet, Don.
It's the wrong sketch, buddy.
1670
01:06:56,036 --> 01:06:57,496
Can I get you
behind the lockers?
1671
01:06:57,663 --> 01:06:58,997
Yeah.
1672
01:07:00,457 --> 01:07:02,000
And try sitting like men.
1673
01:07:02,501 --> 01:07:03,502
- Yeah.
- Perfect.
1674
01:07:03,669 --> 01:07:05,879
Okay. Hair and makeup, clear.
1675
01:07:06,171 --> 01:07:07,297
Clearing.
1676
01:07:07,464 --> 01:07:09,132
Please get the fuck out.
Thank you.
1677
01:07:09,299 --> 01:07:11,468
Okay, and action!
1678
01:07:13,262 --> 01:07:16,265
Now that you've mastered
all the technical know-how...
1679
01:07:16,431 --> 01:07:19,601
I think it's time
we work on your sidewalk skills.
1680
01:07:19,768 --> 01:07:20,894
All right.
1681
01:07:21,395 --> 01:07:23,689
Daniel over here
has kindly offered...
1682
01:07:23,856 --> 01:07:26,942
to aid us
in a live demonstration.
1683
01:07:27,109 --> 01:07:28,777
Come on out, Danny.
1684
01:07:29,945 --> 01:07:31,405
Danny, enter.
1685
01:07:35,534 --> 01:07:37,452
No, you got
to take off the robe.
1686
01:07:37,452 --> 01:07:39,246
I can lose it on the day.
I figured I'd rehearse with...
1687
01:07:39,246 --> 01:07:41,164
No. You can lose
the robe right now.
1688
01:07:47,462 --> 01:07:48,881
The shorts are too short.
1689
01:07:50,507 --> 01:07:52,718
Now, when
a little piece-a heaven
1690
01:07:52,718 --> 01:07:55,387
- like Danny walks by...
- Now strut.
1691
01:07:56,638 --> 01:07:58,098
- Here's how you make him feel...
- Right.
1692
01:07:58,098 --> 01:07:59,308
...right at home.
1693
01:08:00,350 --> 01:08:03,186
Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom!
1694
01:08:03,353 --> 01:08:04,938
Show him how to do it, Gilda!
1695
01:08:05,189 --> 01:08:06,315
- Yeah!
- Come on, Jane.
1696
01:08:06,481 --> 01:08:08,233
- Give it to him.
- All right.
1697
01:08:09,401 --> 01:08:10,611
Hey, dreamboat.
1698
01:08:11,153 --> 01:08:13,989
What's the matter? Why don't
you give me a little twirl?
1699
01:08:14,156 --> 01:08:17,159
Show me
what you're workin' with.
1700
01:08:20,620 --> 01:08:21,830
Okay, give it to him, Laraine.
1701
01:08:26,251 --> 01:08:28,879
Hey, stud muffins, want to
make bouncy bouncy?
1702
01:08:30,379 --> 01:08:31,423
Are we still doing the scene?
Or...
1703
01:08:31,423 --> 01:08:32,549
What are ya talkin' to her for?
1704
01:08:32,549 --> 01:08:33,842
You're talkin' to me,
joy chunks.
1705
01:08:33,842 --> 01:08:35,177
Stay in character, please.
1706
01:08:35,343 --> 01:08:37,095
- Hey.
- Come on, baby.
1707
01:08:37,262 --> 01:08:38,763
Ya dropped somethin'.
1708
01:08:41,682 --> 01:08:43,185
Well, I guess
I should just pick this up.
1709
01:08:49,149 --> 01:08:50,859
All right, all right. All right.
1710
01:08:51,026 --> 01:08:52,026
They are so cute
1711
01:08:52,026 --> 01:08:53,570
- when they're mad!
- All right, thank you.
1712
01:08:53,570 --> 01:08:54,905
Okay, cut.
1713
01:08:57,406 --> 01:08:59,034
The shorts are too short.
I told ya.
1714
01:08:59,785 --> 01:09:02,579
Here you go.
It was a great scene.
1715
01:09:03,080 --> 01:09:04,080
- Yeah, strumpet.
- Thanks.
1716
01:09:04,248 --> 01:09:07,084
All right, and we're movin' on.
Great rehearsal. Here we go.
1717
01:09:07,251 --> 01:09:09,919
We take you now
to Ancient Greece...
1718
01:09:10,087 --> 01:09:11,463
as Alexander the Great...
1719
01:09:11,629 --> 01:09:14,049
attends his ten-year
high school reunion.
1720
01:09:14,216 --> 01:09:15,801
Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?
1721
01:09:17,386 --> 01:09:18,428
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?
1722
01:09:21,640 --> 01:09:23,225
Look at that. My goodness.
1723
01:09:23,392 --> 01:09:24,810
Hey, hon.
They need us in Athens.
1724
01:09:24,977 --> 01:09:26,061
Jesus, who's this guy?
1725
01:09:26,227 --> 01:09:27,729
Chevy, Milton taped
a show here...
1726
01:09:27,896 --> 01:09:30,232
back in 1956, isn't that neat?
1727
01:09:30,399 --> 01:09:31,441
She's taken.
1728
01:09:31,607 --> 01:09:33,485
What hours? I'll take
the rest of the evening.
1729
01:09:33,651 --> 01:09:34,861
- Excuse me?
- He's kidding.
1730
01:09:35,028 --> 01:09:36,113
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.
1731
01:09:36,280 --> 01:09:37,281
That's cute.
1732
01:09:37,446 --> 01:09:38,990
I remember
when you used to do comedy.
1733
01:09:39,156 --> 01:09:40,575
Funny, 'cause I never
heard of you.
1734
01:09:40,741 --> 01:09:42,369
That's probably the Alzheimer's.
1735
01:09:43,203 --> 01:09:44,663
What's the matter,
did you wander off
1736
01:09:44,663 --> 01:09:46,330
onto an actual TV set?
1737
01:09:47,457 --> 01:09:48,584
Hey, darling, you're sitting
1738
01:09:48,584 --> 01:09:50,377
in front of the Ghost
of Television Past.
1739
01:09:50,544 --> 01:09:51,544
This old man...
1740
01:09:51,712 --> 01:09:53,504
he used to be an institution.
Now he needs one.
1741
01:09:55,382 --> 01:09:57,259
If you want my comeback,
you're gonna have to scrape it
1742
01:09:57,259 --> 01:09:59,094
off the back
of your mom's teeth.
1743
01:09:59,261 --> 01:10:00,429
Jesus.
1744
01:10:02,222 --> 01:10:03,265
You're gonna laugh at that?
1745
01:10:03,265 --> 01:10:04,433
Listen, sweetheart.
1746
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,393
There's plenty more
where that came from.
1747
01:10:07,853 --> 01:10:08,854
God.
1748
01:10:11,899 --> 01:10:13,317
Do I have your attention?
1749
01:10:19,239 --> 01:10:21,200
I have two stars
on the Walk of Fame.
1750
01:10:21,950 --> 01:10:23,160
Yeah. Who gives a shit?
1751
01:10:23,911 --> 01:10:25,037
I once held 97%...
1752
01:10:25,204 --> 01:10:27,623
of America's television
viewing audience.
1753
01:10:29,917 --> 01:10:31,501
That's not
what they're gonna remember.
1754
01:10:32,502 --> 01:10:34,713
They're gonna remember
Mr. Television.
1755
01:10:35,672 --> 01:10:37,132
Their Uncle Miltie.
1756
01:10:39,092 --> 01:10:40,385
Who the fuck are you, kid?
1757
01:10:42,137 --> 01:10:43,222
You're not a star.
1758
01:10:45,098 --> 01:10:47,100
You're barely
in the fucking building.
1759
01:10:50,604 --> 01:10:52,189
You're not even a swingin' dick.
1760
01:10:55,234 --> 01:10:56,818
Call me after he's done crying.
1761
01:10:56,985 --> 01:10:59,363
Are you shitting me?
1762
01:10:59,530 --> 01:11:01,114
Are you shitting me
with this costume?
1763
01:11:01,281 --> 01:11:02,282
Can you make a path?
1764
01:11:02,282 --> 01:11:03,992
There's an actual comedian
coming through.
1765
01:11:04,159 --> 01:11:05,619
Wow. Look at these columns.
1766
01:11:05,786 --> 01:11:07,329
I feel transported.
1767
01:11:07,955 --> 01:11:09,665
Hey, George. How can I help?
1768
01:11:10,249 --> 01:11:12,209
So, what is this?
1769
01:11:12,376 --> 01:11:14,920
Why am I dressed like a fuckin'
towel boy from Caesar's?
1770
01:11:15,087 --> 01:11:17,422
Well, I believe you're
Alexander the Great at his...
1771
01:11:17,589 --> 01:11:19,049
Ten-year high school reunion.
1772
01:11:19,216 --> 01:11:20,217
- Thank you, Don.
- Exactly.
1773
01:11:20,384 --> 01:11:21,552
So, when Chevy asks
what you've been up to...
1774
01:11:21,718 --> 01:11:22,970
your response is, "You know...
1775
01:11:23,136 --> 01:11:25,097
"mostly conquering
the known universe."
1776
01:11:26,765 --> 01:11:28,517
Right.
And this is for television.
1777
01:11:28,517 --> 01:11:30,018
- Right.
- What's your concern, George?
1778
01:11:30,185 --> 01:11:31,311
My real concern is
why I let my agent
1779
01:11:31,311 --> 01:11:32,396
convince me to do your show.
1780
01:11:32,396 --> 01:11:33,480
Do you need some help
with the script?
1781
01:11:33,647 --> 01:11:35,315
I'd just love to know
where the humor is.
1782
01:11:35,482 --> 01:11:37,442
It's like a Spruce Goose.
It's a lot of wood, no lift off.
1783
01:11:37,442 --> 01:11:38,569
Well, we can rewrite.
I mean, we have...
1784
01:11:38,569 --> 01:11:39,653
Is that right?
1785
01:11:39,653 --> 01:11:40,821
- Jesus Christ.
- Great.
1786
01:11:40,988 --> 01:11:42,531
- We could find...
- No, no, no. George, I hear you.
1787
01:11:42,531 --> 01:11:44,116
- We want to make it work.
- I think I understand
1788
01:11:44,116 --> 01:11:45,951
the reason
you might be struggling.
1789
01:11:46,660 --> 01:11:48,036
You see, these are scenes.
1790
01:11:48,203 --> 01:11:49,204
Well, sketches.
1791
01:11:49,204 --> 01:11:51,081
- They revolve around acting.
- Michael...
1792
01:11:51,248 --> 01:11:52,249
And that must feel foreign
1793
01:11:52,249 --> 01:11:53,333
when you're
a ponytailed vulture...
1794
01:11:53,333 --> 01:11:55,168
feeding off the corpse
of Lenny Bruce.
1795
01:12:01,008 --> 01:12:02,759
It's okay. He's right.
You're right.
1796
01:12:06,471 --> 01:12:08,098
Because I wouldn't want
to make these skits
1797
01:12:08,098 --> 01:12:10,017
any worse
than they actually are.
1798
01:12:10,475 --> 01:12:13,520
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.
1799
01:12:13,687 --> 01:12:15,856
Enjoy your fucking
little circle jerk.
1800
01:12:16,023 --> 01:12:17,983
- We already are.
- Your mom's here?
1801
01:12:22,070 --> 01:12:23,322
Well, he's in character.
1802
01:12:46,553 --> 01:12:47,554
It's shit.
1803
01:13:04,821 --> 01:13:06,156
Lorne, Lorne.
1804
01:13:06,990 --> 01:13:07,991
Lorne.
1805
01:13:08,659 --> 01:13:09,743
Lorne, great news.
1806
01:13:09,910 --> 01:13:11,912
We figured it out. Ready?
1807
01:13:17,501 --> 01:13:18,502
Ta-da.
1808
01:13:19,211 --> 01:13:20,546
We cut the toga sketch.
1809
01:13:21,922 --> 01:13:23,549
Even without Alexander,
we're still 30 over.
1810
01:13:23,715 --> 01:13:25,801
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances?
1811
01:13:25,968 --> 01:13:27,844
Or maybe we could trim
one of the Carlin monologues.
1812
01:13:28,011 --> 01:13:29,012
Okay.
1813
01:13:36,395 --> 01:13:37,980
What about now?
Are we under now?
1814
01:13:39,147 --> 01:13:40,274
We can make it work.
1815
01:13:45,904 --> 01:13:47,114
Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne.
1816
01:13:47,281 --> 01:13:50,033
Look, I know it's probably
a bad time and all...
1817
01:13:51,493 --> 01:13:52,494
but Valri and I
have been talking...
1818
01:13:52,494 --> 01:13:53,579
Yeah.
1819
01:13:53,579 --> 01:13:55,664
...and we can't accept anything
less than four minutes a piece.
1820
01:13:55,664 --> 01:13:57,374
So, that's four minutes for me,
four minutes for Valri.
1821
01:13:57,541 --> 01:13:58,750
Look, we've just been...
1822
01:13:59,167 --> 01:14:00,627
working too hard on our material
1823
01:14:00,627 --> 01:14:02,254
to accept
anything less so it's...
1824
01:14:02,963 --> 01:14:04,089
four minutes or nothin'.
1825
01:14:04,339 --> 01:14:05,757
Well, I need two minutes.
1826
01:14:06,133 --> 01:14:07,509
You need me
to cut two minutes of my sketch?
1827
01:14:07,509 --> 01:14:08,594
I could do that, Lorne.
1828
01:14:08,594 --> 01:14:10,137
I mean, that's six minutes only,
you know. I can make that...
1829
01:14:10,304 --> 01:14:11,597
No, I need two minutes
of material.
1830
01:14:12,347 --> 01:14:13,432
It's two minutes or nothing.
1831
01:14:13,849 --> 01:14:15,100
Is this for real? 'Cause...
1832
01:14:15,851 --> 01:14:17,603
Okay, I killed at dress, right?
1833
01:14:17,603 --> 01:14:19,021
I'm the only good act
that killed at dress.
1834
01:14:19,021 --> 01:14:20,105
I can do the show, so...
1835
01:14:20,105 --> 01:14:21,398
Billy, can you make it work
in two minutes?
1836
01:14:21,565 --> 01:14:23,775
- I can't even set it up in two.
- Then I don't know what to say.
1837
01:14:23,942 --> 01:14:25,110
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
1838
01:14:25,569 --> 01:14:26,570
Can you make it in two?
1839
01:14:27,571 --> 01:14:28,906
- Yes.
- Great.
1840
01:14:36,622 --> 01:14:38,040
Lorne, Lorne.
1841
01:14:41,251 --> 01:14:42,252
I was thinking...
1842
01:14:42,961 --> 01:14:44,171
why don't we punt?
1843
01:14:46,173 --> 01:14:48,884
Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon.
1844
01:14:49,301 --> 01:14:50,385
That's what
you've been thinking?
1845
01:14:50,552 --> 01:14:53,096
Listen, no one wants this show
to succeed more than I do.
1846
01:14:53,263 --> 01:14:54,264
Is that so?
1847
01:14:54,973 --> 01:14:57,017
I mean, yeah,
I hired you, Lorne.
1848
01:14:57,517 --> 01:14:58,936
I take it up the ass
from this network every day...
1849
01:14:59,102 --> 01:15:00,521
because I believe in this show.
1850
01:15:00,687 --> 01:15:02,689
And I'm telling you, we should
run the dress rehearsal...
1851
01:15:02,856 --> 01:15:04,441
and claw back a win
next Saturday.
1852
01:15:04,608 --> 01:15:05,984
It's in everyone's
best interest.
1853
01:15:05,984 --> 01:15:07,236
Mainly yours.
1854
01:15:07,236 --> 01:15:08,612
Sorry. Was that a threat?
1855
01:15:08,779 --> 01:15:10,614
No. What? No.
1856
01:15:10,989 --> 01:15:13,242
Lorne, all I'm trying to do
is give you advice.
1857
01:15:13,408 --> 01:15:14,576
25 minutes!
1858
01:15:15,911 --> 01:15:17,579
Thanks for the advice,
but we can't, Dick.
1859
01:15:17,579 --> 01:15:18,664
It's a live show.
1860
01:15:18,664 --> 01:15:19,748
No one's gonna know
the difference.
1861
01:15:19,748 --> 01:15:21,333
- We just can't.
- Lorne, you need to start
1862
01:15:21,333 --> 01:15:23,335
adjusting your concept of what
you can and cannot do.
1863
01:15:23,335 --> 01:15:24,920
We can't
because there is no tape.
1864
01:15:25,087 --> 01:15:26,797
I didn't record
the dress rehearsal.
1865
01:15:27,464 --> 01:15:29,174
So, we don't have
to argue about it.
1866
01:15:30,551 --> 01:15:31,552
You didn't what?
1867
01:15:32,052 --> 01:15:33,053
We just have to make it to air.
1868
01:15:33,220 --> 01:15:35,055
Lorne, I'm not gonna be able
to protect you.
1869
01:15:35,222 --> 01:15:36,223
I'm used to that.
1870
01:15:36,390 --> 01:15:37,683
Screw you.
1871
01:15:37,849 --> 01:15:40,227
Do you know how much bullshit
never makes it to your ears?
1872
01:15:40,394 --> 01:15:41,728
Because I'm the wall they hit.
1873
01:15:41,895 --> 01:15:43,689
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.
1874
01:15:43,856 --> 01:15:46,149
I'm sorry you need
a sponsor for a show
1875
01:15:46,149 --> 01:15:47,860
that can't pull
a single advertiser.
1876
01:15:48,026 --> 01:15:49,778
You know they're giving out
the ads for free?
1877
01:15:49,945 --> 01:15:53,282
NBC is lucky to have something
as relevant as this show.
1878
01:15:53,282 --> 01:15:54,616
Lorne, they don't even want it.
1879
01:15:54,616 --> 01:15:55,701
That's logical, Dick. That's why
1880
01:15:55,701 --> 01:15:56,910
they're paying us all
to be here.
1881
01:16:00,706 --> 01:16:02,207
They want you to fail.
1882
01:16:02,624 --> 01:16:03,667
They're betting on it.
1883
01:16:03,667 --> 01:16:04,793
Really?
1884
01:16:04,793 --> 01:16:06,044
NBC makes more money
1885
01:16:06,044 --> 01:16:08,005
playing reruns
of The Tonight Show.
1886
01:16:08,171 --> 01:16:10,340
- So, why don't they?
- It's a contract dispute, Lorne.
1887
01:16:10,507 --> 01:16:12,259
I mean, they're trying
to prove to Johnny Carson
1888
01:16:12,259 --> 01:16:13,844
that the reruns are inevitable.
1889
01:16:14,011 --> 01:16:17,055
So, they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.
1890
01:16:17,222 --> 01:16:19,266
I mean, Lorne,
90 minutes of live television
1891
01:16:19,266 --> 01:16:20,601
by a group of 20-year-olds...
1892
01:16:20,767 --> 01:16:21,935
who've never made anything.
1893
01:16:22,185 --> 01:16:24,563
Do you ever stop and wonder
why they said yes?
1894
01:16:24,730 --> 01:16:27,649
A counterculture show
starring total unknowns...
1895
01:16:27,816 --> 01:16:30,277
with zero narrative
and even less structure?
1896
01:16:30,444 --> 01:16:32,571
Are you that fucking arrogant...
1897
01:16:33,030 --> 01:16:35,115
that you never
even questioned this?
1898
01:16:38,035 --> 01:16:39,578
Now, look, you want to know
what's gonna happen
1899
01:16:39,578 --> 01:16:41,455
at 11:30 tonight? Okay.
1900
01:16:42,039 --> 01:16:43,332
Your actors
will be on their marks.
1901
01:16:43,498 --> 01:16:45,250
Band's tuned up,
all ready to go.
1902
01:16:45,417 --> 01:16:46,877
Joe will be hollering out
the countdown...
1903
01:16:47,044 --> 01:16:48,253
and you'll be
in the control room...
1904
01:16:48,420 --> 01:16:50,714
and Dave Tebet will be standing
probably right next to you.
1905
01:16:50,881 --> 01:16:52,341
And when
those screens go black...
1906
01:16:52,507 --> 01:16:53,884
he will raise his big-ass,
1907
01:16:53,884 --> 01:16:55,510
jeweled-up index finger
and say...
1908
01:16:55,677 --> 01:16:56,720
"Go to Carson."
1909
01:16:57,095 --> 01:16:58,430
And that will be that.
1910
01:16:59,806 --> 01:17:00,849
You blew it.
1911
01:17:05,312 --> 01:17:07,773
And listen,
I know you all make fun of me...
1912
01:17:07,940 --> 01:17:09,316
and my clothes behind my back.
1913
01:17:10,192 --> 01:17:12,194
But, Lorne, I'm killing myself
for this show.
1914
01:17:14,530 --> 01:17:16,031
Also, Polaroid is cool.
1915
01:17:36,552 --> 01:17:38,679
- Oh, shit! Lorne.
- It worked!
1916
01:17:44,184 --> 01:17:45,477
Nice work, fellas.
1917
01:17:46,728 --> 01:17:48,230
A little heavy on the flow,
but very funny.
1918
01:17:49,356 --> 01:17:50,357
Sorry about the clothes.
1919
01:17:50,524 --> 01:17:51,817
And your face.
1920
01:17:53,735 --> 01:17:58,156
Art is but a measure
of sacrifice and tears.
1921
01:17:59,658 --> 01:18:00,701
Not quite ready for tonight,
1922
01:18:00,701 --> 01:18:02,536
but I'll keep it
on a special list.
1923
01:18:04,329 --> 01:18:06,039
"Special list"?
1924
01:18:19,928 --> 01:18:20,929
Lobby.
1925
01:18:25,350 --> 01:18:27,019
This an okay time?
1926
01:18:28,061 --> 01:18:29,062
Ideal.
1927
01:18:29,396 --> 01:18:30,397
Look...
1928
01:18:32,149 --> 01:18:33,609
I know what people say...
1929
01:18:33,775 --> 01:18:36,653
when they see a man
with his arm up a Muppet.
1930
01:18:39,198 --> 01:18:41,533
But this isn't just kid's stuff.
1931
01:18:42,367 --> 01:18:44,244
I believe, deep in my heart...
1932
01:18:44,411 --> 01:18:47,623
that there is room
for high-stakes puppetry...
1933
01:18:47,789 --> 01:18:49,416
on grown-up TV.
1934
01:18:49,666 --> 01:18:52,669
And... I get the sense that...
1935
01:18:52,836 --> 01:18:55,005
some of the writers
on the 17th floor
1936
01:18:55,005 --> 01:18:56,965
don't share that dream.
1937
01:18:59,301 --> 01:19:01,053
You didn't like the pages?
1938
01:19:04,223 --> 01:19:05,641
There were no pages.
1939
01:19:07,517 --> 01:19:08,894
That's fair criticism.
1940
01:19:11,104 --> 01:19:12,314
Free show!
1941
01:19:12,898 --> 01:19:14,024
Free show, sir?
1942
01:19:14,816 --> 01:19:15,817
Free show.
1943
01:19:17,653 --> 01:19:19,738
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.
1944
01:19:20,155 --> 01:19:21,490
The night's still young.
1945
01:19:22,282 --> 01:19:23,367
Hey, man! How's it going?
1946
01:19:29,122 --> 01:19:31,166
Thank you. Long Island.
1947
01:19:31,625 --> 01:19:32,834
Massapequa Park.
1948
01:19:33,293 --> 01:19:34,294
Hello?
1949
01:20:04,992 --> 01:20:08,120
My family had trouble fittin' in
when they got to America.
1950
01:20:08,287 --> 01:20:09,746
Even though my great-grandfather
1951
01:20:09,746 --> 01:20:11,999
actually fought
in the Civil War...
1952
01:20:12,332 --> 01:20:14,251
he fought for the West.
1953
01:20:14,877 --> 01:20:16,503
- Jesus Christ.
- Okay.
1954
01:20:16,670 --> 01:20:18,589
This drunk,
he's in front of the bench.
1955
01:20:18,755 --> 01:20:21,049
The judge says, "Hey, we brought
you in for drinking."
1956
01:20:21,216 --> 01:20:23,260
And the drunk goes,
"Great. What are we havin'?"
1957
01:20:24,970 --> 01:20:28,390
That's not the punch line.
Jesus, fucking bullshit!
1958
01:20:28,557 --> 01:20:29,808
What's happening here?
1959
01:20:30,559 --> 01:20:33,979
I get paid seven bucks a joke,
if it gets a laugh. Which...
1960
01:20:34,354 --> 01:20:36,023
This putz is taking
bulletproof material
1961
01:20:36,023 --> 01:20:37,107
and filling it with lead.
1962
01:20:37,107 --> 01:20:38,317
You wrote his jokes?
1963
01:20:38,317 --> 01:20:40,444
Yeah. I wrote things
that vaguely resemble
1964
01:20:40,444 --> 01:20:41,778
the things that he's saying.
1965
01:20:42,487 --> 01:20:44,740
Why don't you just
perform them yourself?
1966
01:20:45,407 --> 01:20:47,451
Look at me. This is how much
I sweat off-stage.
1967
01:20:47,826 --> 01:20:49,620
I get home from work
the other night...
1968
01:20:49,995 --> 01:20:52,581
I see my wife in bed
with my best friend.
1969
01:20:52,748 --> 01:20:55,584
I say to him, I go,
"I have to, but you?"
1970
01:20:55,751 --> 01:20:57,461
- Oh, my God.
- How many do you have in here?
1971
01:20:57,628 --> 01:21:00,130
About 1,100.
They're single-spaced.
1972
01:21:00,547 --> 01:21:01,882
Sorry, do you mind
if I go through them?
1973
01:21:02,049 --> 01:21:04,218
- Bring up the next comedian!
- Yeah. Go for it.
1974
01:21:04,384 --> 01:21:05,427
I'm sure you'll hate him, too.
1975
01:21:09,348 --> 01:21:10,349
Move.
1976
01:21:14,061 --> 01:21:16,396
God. That was fuckin' rough.
Shit crowd.
1977
01:21:16,563 --> 01:21:17,898
Yeah, that was it.
1978
01:21:19,566 --> 01:21:20,567
Hey, come on.
What's with the quarters?
1979
01:21:20,734 --> 01:21:23,820
Well, I changed the punch line
from 46 to 49...
1980
01:21:23,987 --> 01:21:25,822
for the line about the Buick.
1981
01:21:25,989 --> 01:21:27,115
Much bigger laugh, by the way.
1982
01:21:27,282 --> 01:21:29,535
So, that means
I only owe you $3.50.
1983
01:21:29,701 --> 01:21:30,702
You want a job?
1984
01:21:30,869 --> 01:21:31,995
That would be great.
1985
01:21:32,162 --> 01:21:33,705
I want a length of rope
and a sturdy beam.
1986
01:21:33,872 --> 01:21:35,791
How much do you need to live?
1987
01:21:35,958 --> 01:21:38,168
I make three bucks an hour
at my day job. Match it.
1988
01:21:38,335 --> 01:21:40,045
Tell him what you really do.
Tell him.
1989
01:21:40,212 --> 01:21:41,463
He's a deli boy.
1990
01:21:41,630 --> 01:21:44,216
Okay? He's a schmuck
in a little paper hat...
1991
01:21:44,216 --> 01:21:46,885
who slices the pastrami
behind the counter.
1992
01:21:46,885 --> 01:21:48,428
And he can barely do that.
1993
01:21:48,428 --> 01:21:49,721
Tell him what you did
to your finger.
1994
01:21:49,972 --> 01:21:51,557
You're hired. Lorne Michaels.
1995
01:21:51,723 --> 01:21:54,518
- Alan. Zweibel.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
1996
01:21:54,685 --> 01:21:56,061
You'd be better off
buying the pastrami.
1997
01:21:56,228 --> 01:21:57,229
Let's go.
1998
01:21:57,396 --> 01:21:58,605
Wait, what? When do we start?
1999
01:21:59,773 --> 01:22:00,941
Jesus Christ.
2000
01:22:02,442 --> 01:22:04,528
You can't...
You better not leave.
2001
01:22:05,028 --> 01:22:06,572
This is not
gonna be good for you.
2002
01:22:06,572 --> 01:22:08,657
I was gonna take you to Reno.
2003
01:22:16,665 --> 01:22:18,041
Look at that form.
2004
01:22:18,709 --> 01:22:19,918
Beautiful.
2005
01:22:31,054 --> 01:22:32,848
You ever have nostalgia
for a moment
2006
01:22:32,848 --> 01:22:34,141
while you're still in it?
2007
01:22:36,518 --> 01:22:38,270
I mean, like...
2008
01:22:39,229 --> 01:22:41,273
You're in the moment,
but you're also...
2009
01:22:41,732 --> 01:22:43,734
looking back on it. Like...
2010
01:22:44,818 --> 01:22:47,487
Right now, I'm here,
but I'm also...
2011
01:22:47,988 --> 01:22:50,699
thinking about this moment
20 years from now.
2012
01:22:50,866 --> 01:22:52,451
We're walking by this ice rink.
2013
01:22:53,535 --> 01:22:54,786
Maybe it's Christmas...
2014
01:22:54,953 --> 01:22:57,998
and our kids are draggin' us
by our pinkies...
2015
01:22:58,457 --> 01:23:01,793
and we got presents loaded
on our shoulders...
2016
01:23:02,711 --> 01:23:04,630
and all we can think about
is this moment,
2017
01:23:04,630 --> 01:23:06,715
right before we went on TV.
2018
01:23:14,056 --> 01:23:16,975
You know, the NBC liability act
forbids you from ice skating.
2019
01:23:18,310 --> 01:23:19,311
I found John.
2020
01:23:19,478 --> 01:23:20,479
Excellent work, Gilda.
2021
01:23:20,646 --> 01:23:22,689
Good thing I didn't sign
my contract.
2022
01:23:25,943 --> 01:23:27,152
What's the deal, John?
2023
01:23:29,071 --> 01:23:30,322
You on the show or not?
2024
01:23:35,244 --> 01:23:38,288
The one where I get to dress up
like a giant, grotesque bee?
2025
01:23:39,164 --> 01:23:41,291
I don't know.
Let me ask my childhood dreams.
2026
01:23:46,255 --> 01:23:48,048
I want to try a triple axel.
2027
01:23:48,590 --> 01:23:50,217
Now we're talkin'.
2028
01:23:50,384 --> 01:23:51,843
How about a single axel?
2029
01:23:52,261 --> 01:23:53,262
Nah.
2030
01:23:54,137 --> 01:23:56,431
I figure I can either pull off
the triple...
2031
01:23:57,849 --> 01:23:58,934
or die trying.
2032
01:24:00,060 --> 01:24:01,270
Those are the options?
2033
01:24:10,237 --> 01:24:11,405
Okay, John.
2034
01:24:12,865 --> 01:24:14,324
I support it.
2035
01:24:21,707 --> 01:24:22,708
Oh, God.
2036
01:24:34,887 --> 01:24:36,722
- He's gonna break something.
- Oh, God.
2037
01:24:40,100 --> 01:24:41,101
- Fuck!
- Shit. John!
2038
01:24:41,101 --> 01:24:42,185
John?
2039
01:24:42,603 --> 01:24:43,979
- John!
- Fuck!
2040
01:24:44,146 --> 01:24:45,147
Are you okay?
2041
01:24:49,735 --> 01:24:51,278
You all right? I yield.
2042
01:24:52,613 --> 01:24:54,156
I accept your surrender.
2043
01:24:54,323 --> 01:24:56,700
Do you want me to help you up?
2044
01:24:56,867 --> 01:24:57,868
No.
2045
01:24:58,952 --> 01:25:00,787
I'm just gonna lie here
for a minute.
2046
01:25:02,456 --> 01:25:04,374
Okay, sure. Yeah.
2047
01:25:05,167 --> 01:25:06,793
We have all the time
in the world.
2048
01:25:12,132 --> 01:25:14,092
Who is that asshole, anyway?
2049
01:25:15,344 --> 01:25:16,720
It's Prometheus.
2050
01:25:17,804 --> 01:25:19,431
He stole fire
from the cauldron of the gods...
2051
01:25:19,598 --> 01:25:22,559
gave it to man, so we could
have science and the arts.
2052
01:25:26,480 --> 01:25:28,065
All right.
I'm gonna head back up.
2053
01:25:29,274 --> 01:25:30,984
We have a show to put on...
2054
01:25:31,151 --> 01:25:33,111
and I'd like to be there
when I get fired.
2055
01:25:34,905 --> 01:25:36,323
I'd hope to see you there,
too, John.
2056
01:25:57,719 --> 01:25:58,762
- Hey!
- Hey.
2057
01:25:58,929 --> 01:26:00,764
Heard you needed a quick change
for the last act?
2058
01:26:00,931 --> 01:26:01,932
Thank you.
2059
01:26:09,606 --> 01:26:10,941
What should I say
when I get up there?
2060
01:26:11,108 --> 01:26:12,651
- How should I know?
- You're the writer.
2061
01:26:12,818 --> 01:26:14,236
- You're the talker.
- I'm the talker?
2062
01:26:14,403 --> 01:26:16,446
Yeah, you talk the peel
off a grape.
2063
01:26:17,531 --> 01:26:18,532
That was funny.
2064
01:26:26,540 --> 01:26:27,583
Rose, I won't be offended
2065
01:26:27,583 --> 01:26:29,209
if you don't want to use
my last name.
2066
01:26:29,960 --> 01:26:32,004
It's not your last name,
Lipowitz.
2067
01:26:37,384 --> 01:26:38,677
Check it out! Full house, right?
2068
01:26:38,844 --> 01:26:39,845
What did you tell them?
2069
01:26:40,012 --> 01:26:41,221
Well, I kind of
had to lie a little bit,
2070
01:26:41,221 --> 01:26:42,306
but the vibes are really good.
2071
01:26:42,472 --> 01:26:43,640
Can we start to let them in?
2072
01:26:44,641 --> 01:26:45,642
- Almost.
- All right.
2073
01:26:45,809 --> 01:26:47,394
Five minutes, guys.
10 minutes tops.
2074
01:26:47,394 --> 01:26:48,854
Let's keep these vibes going!
2075
01:26:55,194 --> 01:26:56,695
- Adequate?
- Adequate.
2076
01:27:00,699 --> 01:27:03,076
- Can you imagine being first up?
- Opening the show and all.
2077
01:27:03,243 --> 01:27:04,244
Millions of people
trying to decide...
2078
01:27:04,411 --> 01:27:06,580
How they want to spend
their Saturday night.
2079
01:27:06,747 --> 01:27:08,832
What's the first thing they see?
No logo, no intro.
2080
01:27:08,832 --> 01:27:10,292
Nope. Just a close up
of your pretty face.
2081
01:27:10,292 --> 01:27:11,668
- Nah.
- Nah. Who gives a fuck, right?
2082
01:27:11,668 --> 01:27:12,753
Yeah. It's just
a bunch of animals
2083
01:27:12,753 --> 01:27:13,837
watching their lava lamps.
2084
01:27:13,837 --> 01:27:14,922
You're gonna do great.
2085
01:27:14,922 --> 01:27:16,006
- Yeah.
- Fuck off.
2086
01:27:16,006 --> 01:27:17,216
- We're pullin' for you.
- Break a leg!
2087
01:27:20,177 --> 01:27:22,512
You the writer
Lorne found in a bar?
2088
01:27:23,263 --> 01:27:24,723
That's a slightly romantic read
of the story,
2089
01:27:24,723 --> 01:27:25,891
but, yeah, I guess so.
2090
01:27:26,058 --> 01:27:28,435
All right. Well, jump on in.
Water's warm.
2091
01:27:28,602 --> 01:27:29,603
Okay.
2092
01:27:29,770 --> 01:27:31,313
Okay. Quiet, please!
2093
01:27:31,480 --> 01:27:34,316
Work stops now.
We're holding for a sound check.
2094
01:27:34,483 --> 01:27:35,484
Who wants to do the sound check?
2095
01:27:35,651 --> 01:27:37,611
Garrett! Don't you know a song?
2096
01:27:43,784 --> 01:27:45,536
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2097
01:27:48,247 --> 01:27:53,252
I'm
2098
01:27:53,418 --> 01:27:55,671
Gonna
2099
01:27:56,255 --> 01:27:59,424
Get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2100
01:27:59,800 --> 01:28:03,512
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2101
01:28:03,679 --> 01:28:05,597
When I kill
all the Whities I see
2102
01:28:05,764 --> 01:28:09,434
Then Whitey, he won't bother me
2103
01:28:10,561 --> 01:28:13,939
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2104
01:28:14,106 --> 01:28:21,905
I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2105
01:28:21,905 --> 01:28:24,032
When I kill
all the Whities I see
2106
01:28:24,199 --> 01:28:27,953
Whitey, he won't bother me
2107
01:28:28,120 --> 01:28:30,497
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I
2108
01:28:30,664 --> 01:28:32,457
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I
2109
01:28:32,624 --> 01:28:35,669
Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see
2110
01:28:37,880 --> 01:28:39,840
Bravo! Garrett!
2111
01:28:40,299 --> 01:28:42,384
- That was fantastic.
- Thank you.
2112
01:28:43,010 --> 01:28:44,011
Thank you.
2113
01:28:44,887 --> 01:28:45,888
That was perfect.
2114
01:28:45,888 --> 01:28:47,347
- You have an incredible voice.
- You're still not
2115
01:28:47,514 --> 01:28:49,474
- gonna give me no lines.
- It was beautiful.
2116
01:28:51,894 --> 01:28:54,188
Gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?
2117
01:28:54,646 --> 01:28:55,772
Long enough.
2118
01:28:55,939 --> 01:28:57,065
Lorne, we need
to let the audience in.
2119
01:28:57,524 --> 01:28:58,567
No, you don't.
2120
01:29:01,528 --> 01:29:04,031
Perhaps you kids aren't
quite ready for prime time.
2121
01:29:04,198 --> 01:29:05,532
What are you talking about?
2122
01:29:05,866 --> 01:29:07,034
Look around, Lorne.
2123
01:29:07,826 --> 01:29:09,369
You haven't locked a script.
2124
01:29:09,953 --> 01:29:10,954
Your actors are missing.
2125
01:29:11,121 --> 01:29:12,456
Your crew is...
2126
01:29:12,831 --> 01:29:14,333
in open rebellion.
2127
01:29:18,754 --> 01:29:20,672
They'd be laughing at you
in Burbank.
2128
01:29:22,132 --> 01:29:24,218
Burbank? Excuse me?
This is New York fucking City.
2129
01:29:24,384 --> 01:29:25,385
Who's she?
2130
01:29:25,552 --> 01:29:26,678
- She... It's...
- It's... I...
2131
01:29:26,845 --> 01:29:29,389
It's complicated.
We have a hell of a show.
2132
01:29:29,556 --> 01:29:30,933
We have two bands.
2133
01:29:31,099 --> 01:29:33,143
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive.
2134
01:29:33,310 --> 01:29:34,728
You even know where they are?
2135
01:29:34,895 --> 01:29:36,313
Most of them. Yes.
2136
01:29:36,939 --> 01:29:39,566
Maybe we'll just try again
next Saturday.
2137
01:29:39,733 --> 01:29:41,276
No. No, no, no. Don't do that.
Come on. No.
2138
01:29:41,443 --> 01:29:43,695
Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves...
2139
01:29:43,862 --> 01:29:45,197
- to make something special.
- I know.
2140
01:29:45,364 --> 01:29:46,698
To make something innovative
and actually good...
2141
01:29:46,865 --> 01:29:48,158
- for a change.
-"For a change"?
2142
01:29:48,325 --> 01:29:49,701
Don't tell me that you've been
doing this so long...
2143
01:29:49,868 --> 01:29:52,746
that you can't even recognize
the potential for greatness...
2144
01:29:52,913 --> 01:29:54,665
when it's right
in front of your face.
2145
01:29:56,250 --> 01:29:59,044
Do you even know
what this show is? Tell me.
2146
01:30:09,096 --> 01:30:10,597
It's an all-nighter in the city.
2147
01:30:12,182 --> 01:30:15,102
It's catching Richard Pryor
at a drop-in...
2148
01:30:15,269 --> 01:30:18,647
or finding Paul Simon strumming
in the back of a dive bar.
2149
01:30:18,814 --> 01:30:21,024
It's meeting a girl
outside of a bodega...
2150
01:30:21,191 --> 01:30:23,151
and getting lucky
in a phone booth.
2151
01:30:24,236 --> 01:30:25,654
It's everything you think
is going to happen
2152
01:30:25,654 --> 01:30:27,614
when you move to the city.
That's our show.
2153
01:30:28,073 --> 01:30:29,408
That's Saturday Night.
2154
01:30:29,575 --> 01:30:30,576
Show me.
2155
01:30:31,034 --> 01:30:32,035
Show you what?
2156
01:30:32,202 --> 01:30:33,620
Show me Saturday Night.
2157
01:30:33,620 --> 01:30:34,788
We go live
in less than 10 minutes.
2158
01:30:34,788 --> 01:30:35,873
10 minutes!
2159
01:30:35,873 --> 01:30:37,332
No, you don't!
2160
01:30:39,835 --> 01:30:40,961
Show me.
2161
01:30:53,265 --> 01:30:57,144
Mr. Trouble never hangs around
2162
01:30:57,311 --> 01:31:01,523
When he hears this Mighty sound
2163
01:31:01,690 --> 01:31:04,735
Here I come to save the day
2164
01:31:04,902 --> 01:31:08,739
That means that Mighty Mouse
is on the way
2165
01:31:09,156 --> 01:31:12,701
So, though we are
in danger, we never despair
2166
01:31:12,868 --> 01:31:14,578
'Cause we know
that where there's danger
2167
01:31:14,745 --> 01:31:16,580
- He is there
- He is there
2168
01:31:16,747 --> 01:31:17,748
On the land
2169
01:31:17,915 --> 01:31:21,001
On the sea, in the air
2170
01:31:21,168 --> 01:31:24,838
We're not worrying at all
2171
01:31:25,005 --> 01:31:28,550
We're just listening
for his call
2172
01:31:28,967 --> 01:31:32,262
Here I come to save the day
2173
01:31:32,721 --> 01:31:35,849
That means that Mighty Mouse
is on the way
2174
01:31:42,439 --> 01:31:44,900
Andy, you're a genius.
Now save your voice.
2175
01:31:47,236 --> 01:31:48,445
Pull up Weekend Update.
2176
01:31:48,612 --> 01:31:51,031
We're movin' to Weekend Update,
let's go!
2177
01:31:51,532 --> 01:31:52,866
- Hey.
- You take it.
2178
01:31:53,492 --> 01:31:54,952
- What do you mean?
- The show needs a face.
2179
01:31:55,118 --> 01:31:56,119
Are you sure?
2180
01:31:56,495 --> 01:31:58,497
You were born for this.
Trust me.
2181
01:31:59,289 --> 01:32:00,791
Should I make up a name
for the news anchor?
2182
01:32:00,958 --> 01:32:03,001
Use Chevy Chase.
No one will believe it.
2183
01:32:05,837 --> 01:32:07,923
Hey, remember this. When you...
2184
01:32:08,090 --> 01:32:09,466
look into the lens...
2185
01:32:09,633 --> 01:32:11,718
you're making eye contact
with America.
2186
01:32:13,011 --> 01:32:14,471
And now...
2187
01:32:14,638 --> 01:32:17,391
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
2188
01:32:25,107 --> 01:32:26,108
Hey, doll.
2189
01:32:26,608 --> 01:32:27,609
What are you wearing?
2190
01:32:29,152 --> 01:32:30,737
Is that why I hear purring?
2191
01:32:32,114 --> 01:32:33,407
What do you got for me?
2192
01:32:33,574 --> 01:32:34,575
It's my favorite.
2193
01:32:36,994 --> 01:32:37,995
Okay, great.
2194
01:32:40,080 --> 01:32:41,081
Good...
2195
01:32:41,248 --> 01:32:42,958
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.
2196
01:32:43,292 --> 01:32:44,376
The Post Office
announced today...
2197
01:32:44,543 --> 01:32:47,087
that it's going to issue a stamp
commemorating prostitution...
2198
01:32:47,254 --> 01:32:48,463
in the United States.
2199
01:32:48,630 --> 01:32:49,631
It's a 10-cent stamp...
2200
01:32:49,923 --> 01:32:51,842
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.
2201
01:32:56,763 --> 01:32:58,724
All right, everyone.
Eight minutes till showtime!
2202
01:33:00,809 --> 01:33:01,810
Open the doors!
2203
01:33:01,977 --> 01:33:02,978
Thank God.
2204
01:33:03,979 --> 01:33:06,231
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.
2205
01:33:08,817 --> 01:33:11,069
Right this way, folks.
You're in for a real treat.
2206
01:33:11,778 --> 01:33:12,779
Yeah!
2207
01:33:16,408 --> 01:33:18,702
Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin'
2208
01:33:20,078 --> 01:33:21,455
You gotta have somethin'
2209
01:33:21,747 --> 01:33:22,998
Lorne, remember Carl?
2210
01:33:23,165 --> 01:33:25,626
Carl? Carl! Have you ever used
one of these before?
2211
01:33:25,792 --> 01:33:26,877
Not-a once.
2212
01:33:27,044 --> 01:33:28,420
You'll pick it up in no time.
2213
01:33:29,254 --> 01:33:30,714
You gotta have somethin'
2214
01:33:31,089 --> 01:33:32,341
If you wanna be with me
2215
01:33:39,806 --> 01:33:41,475
Come on, guys. Grab a brick!
2216
01:33:41,850 --> 01:33:43,936
I'm not tryin' to be your hero
2217
01:33:45,270 --> 01:33:48,815
'Cause that zero
is too cold for me, ha
2218
01:33:51,109 --> 01:33:52,861
I'm not tryin'
to be your highness
2219
01:33:53,111 --> 01:33:54,321
Heard you needed pages.
2220
01:33:55,072 --> 01:33:56,281
Thanks, Mike.
2221
01:34:01,912 --> 01:34:02,913
Oh, no.
2222
01:34:07,584 --> 01:34:09,753
Dick, question.
What is a "golden shower"?
2223
01:34:11,588 --> 01:34:13,215
It's a yoga ritual...
2224
01:34:13,382 --> 01:34:14,466
in which practitioners...
2225
01:34:14,633 --> 01:34:18,345
greet the new day by allowing
the golden rays of sun to...
2226
01:34:18,345 --> 01:34:19,763
- Shower.
- Over their skin
2227
01:34:19,763 --> 01:34:20,847
and warm their chakras.
2228
01:34:20,847 --> 01:34:21,932
It's a California thing.
2229
01:34:22,516 --> 01:34:24,268
I've had at least
50 golden showers.
2230
01:34:24,726 --> 01:34:25,769
You heard him, Joan.
2231
01:34:25,769 --> 01:34:27,187
Sign the damn script.
We're going to air.
2232
01:34:32,651 --> 01:34:34,820
Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin'
2233
01:34:36,488 --> 01:34:39,366
You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me
2234
01:34:41,910 --> 01:34:44,621
Don't you remember I told ya
2235
01:34:45,330 --> 01:34:47,457
That I'm a soldier
On the war on poverty
2236
01:34:48,125 --> 01:34:50,502
Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.
2237
01:34:50,669 --> 01:34:52,671
- Wallie, you son of a bitch!
- Hey, you asked.
2238
01:34:52,838 --> 01:34:54,798
Wallie, my man.
You got something for me?
2239
01:34:55,716 --> 01:34:56,800
Yes, you do.
2240
01:34:57,301 --> 01:34:59,303
George, I wanted to apologize
for how you were treated...
2241
01:35:01,179 --> 01:35:02,264
Are you having a stroke?
2242
01:35:02,264 --> 01:35:03,724
You need more coke?
2243
01:35:05,225 --> 01:35:06,226
Danny!
2244
01:35:14,943 --> 01:35:16,778
Hurry up. Come on, faster.
2245
01:35:17,571 --> 01:35:18,572
Watch your fingers.
2246
01:35:26,705 --> 01:35:28,165
Oh, boy. Lockjaw!
2247
01:35:28,707 --> 01:35:29,833
It's too much cocaine,
2248
01:35:29,833 --> 01:35:31,126
it's seizing up
the old mandibulars.
2249
01:35:31,126 --> 01:35:32,961
Let's get some finger love
in there, huh?
2250
01:35:33,128 --> 01:35:34,963
Yep. Just a little bit of this,
you'll be fine.
2251
01:35:35,130 --> 01:35:36,298
- Okay, great.
- There we go.
2252
01:35:38,342 --> 01:35:39,343
Hey!
2253
01:35:46,475 --> 01:35:47,684
Here we go!
2254
01:35:48,435 --> 01:35:49,603
Nothin' from nothin'
2255
01:35:51,647 --> 01:35:53,732
Nothin' from nothin
Hey, now
2256
01:35:55,734 --> 01:35:56,902
Yeah
2257
01:35:56,902 --> 01:35:58,612
Ah, yeah, yeah
2258
01:35:58,612 --> 01:35:59,905
Can you get in that wig
in 30 seconds?
2259
01:35:59,905 --> 01:36:01,573
- You got it, boss.
- Has Henson got his pages?
2260
01:36:01,573 --> 01:36:02,658
He loves them.
2261
01:36:02,658 --> 01:36:04,117
- And will that crane get there?
- It'll happen.
2262
01:36:04,117 --> 01:36:06,203
- Did you trim the fat on that?
- Already on cue cards.
2263
01:36:06,620 --> 01:36:08,497
Laraine, I don't think
you can make the change in...
2264
01:36:13,126 --> 01:36:14,253
I stand corrected.
2265
01:36:14,461 --> 01:36:15,671
Is that our show?
2266
01:36:16,213 --> 01:36:18,215
- That's our show.
- Three minutes!
2267
01:36:18,590 --> 01:36:19,591
Yeah.
2268
01:36:22,803 --> 01:36:23,804
Last one.
2269
01:36:23,971 --> 01:36:26,890
- Last one. Get it in. Finally!
- Yes! Come on!
2270
01:36:31,311 --> 01:36:34,773
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston!
2271
01:37:00,340 --> 01:37:03,010
Photo! Photo! I want a photo!
Come on, family photo!
2272
01:37:03,010 --> 01:37:04,803
No, no, no. We're at
two minutes. There's no time!
2273
01:37:04,803 --> 01:37:06,388
No, come on.
It'll never be the same
2274
01:37:06,388 --> 01:37:07,973
- after this. Come on.
- Fuck!
2275
01:37:07,973 --> 01:37:10,475
I'm not leaving until I get
my photo. Come on.
2276
01:37:10,642 --> 01:37:12,352
I guess everybody go ahead then.
2277
01:37:13,562 --> 01:37:14,938
Do we have a camera?
2278
01:37:16,857 --> 01:37:17,858
- I have a camera.
- Just quickly.
2279
01:37:18,025 --> 01:37:19,401
Great. Yes! Come here.
2280
01:37:27,951 --> 01:37:30,162
All right. 60 seconds.
Come on, everyone.
2281
01:37:30,329 --> 01:37:31,830
Let's go, please.
2282
01:37:31,997 --> 01:37:33,457
- After you, after you.
- One minute. Let's go to work.
2283
01:37:39,296 --> 01:37:40,797
What are we using him for again?
2284
01:37:40,964 --> 01:37:42,841
- I don't really remember.
- Sorry.
2285
01:37:43,717 --> 01:37:44,718
Thanks.
2286
01:37:45,802 --> 01:37:47,262
Rocky, wake up.
2287
01:37:47,512 --> 01:37:48,680
Hey, hey, name.
2288
01:37:50,682 --> 01:37:52,643
Rosie, we need your last name
for the credits.
2289
01:37:53,644 --> 01:37:54,895
- Shuster.
- Shuster.
2290
01:38:00,359 --> 01:38:02,069
30 seconds!
2291
01:38:02,236 --> 01:38:04,112
Hey, can we get
a mic check, please?
2292
01:38:05,697 --> 01:38:07,449
One, two...
2293
01:38:08,325 --> 01:38:09,326
three.
2294
01:38:09,493 --> 01:38:10,911
Somebody's got the yips.
2295
01:38:11,078 --> 01:38:12,496
- 20 seconds.
- Is Carlin in costume?
2296
01:38:12,788 --> 01:38:14,540
Yep, they settled
on a T-shirt and jacket.
2297
01:38:14,706 --> 01:38:16,500
Mr. Carlin, may we get
a mic check?
2298
01:38:16,667 --> 01:38:17,709
One, two, fuck you.
2299
01:38:17,876 --> 01:38:18,877
Subtle.
2300
01:38:19,044 --> 01:38:20,254
Carson's still cued
for dead roll?
2301
01:38:20,420 --> 01:38:21,672
Are we going live
or going to tape?
2302
01:38:26,552 --> 01:38:28,345
Pre-roll on VTR-14.
2303
01:38:29,680 --> 01:38:30,681
10 seconds.
2304
01:38:32,766 --> 01:38:33,934
Ready camera two.
2305
01:38:34,393 --> 01:38:35,477
Ready on the fade.
2306
01:38:35,811 --> 01:38:36,979
{\an8}Five, four...
2307
01:38:37,145 --> 01:38:38,730
Are we going live
or going to tape?
2308
01:38:38,730 --> 01:38:40,148
...three, two...
2309
01:38:41,733 --> 01:38:42,734
Go live.
2310
01:38:42,901 --> 01:38:44,319
- Okay, go live.
- Go live. Live, live. Go live.
2311
01:38:44,486 --> 01:38:47,072
Fade up. And we are live.
2312
01:38:52,536 --> 01:38:54,121
Ready camera one.
Take camera one.
2313
01:38:54,288 --> 01:38:55,289
Cue Belushi.
2314
01:38:58,333 --> 01:38:59,376
Cue John.
2315
01:38:59,543 --> 01:39:01,128
- Where's John?
- Where the hell is he?
2316
01:39:01,295 --> 01:39:02,546
Cue John.
2317
01:39:37,706 --> 01:39:38,707
Good evening.
2318
01:39:38,874 --> 01:39:39,875
Good evening.
2319
01:39:40,417 --> 01:39:41,752
Hey, get closer.
2320
01:39:44,254 --> 01:39:46,256
Good evening.
2321
01:39:47,633 --> 01:39:49,927
Good evening.
2322
01:39:51,720 --> 01:39:53,847
Good evening.
2323
01:39:55,599 --> 01:39:56,642
Let us begin.
2324
01:39:57,226 --> 01:39:59,269
Repeat after me.
2325
01:40:01,438 --> 01:40:03,440
-"I would like...
- I would like...
2326
01:40:04,441 --> 01:40:05,817
"...to feed your fingertips...
2327
01:40:05,984 --> 01:40:07,945
...to feed your fingertips...
2328
01:40:09,404 --> 01:40:10,447
"...to the wolverines."
2329
01:40:10,614 --> 01:40:12,074
...to the wolverines.
2330
01:40:13,534 --> 01:40:16,662
- Next, "I am afraid...
- I am afraid...
2331
01:40:17,204 --> 01:40:18,205
"...we are out...
2332
01:40:18,372 --> 01:40:19,373
...we are out...
2333
01:40:19,957 --> 01:40:21,875
-"...of badgers."
- ...of badgers.
2334
01:40:23,502 --> 01:40:24,503
"Would you accept...
2335
01:40:25,128 --> 01:40:26,380
Would you accept...
2336
01:40:26,547 --> 01:40:28,423
-"...a wolverine...
- ...a wolverine...
2337
01:40:29,550 --> 01:40:31,552
-"...in its place?"
- ...in its place?
2338
01:40:33,929 --> 01:40:36,056
Next. "'Hey!' Ned exclaimed."
2339
01:40:36,557 --> 01:40:37,975
"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.
2340
01:40:41,228 --> 01:40:42,271
"Let's boil...
2341
01:40:42,437 --> 01:40:43,897
Let's boil...
2342
01:40:44,064 --> 01:40:46,525
-"...the wolverines."
- ...the wolverines.
2343
01:40:47,985 --> 01:40:48,986
Next...
2344
01:41:19,600 --> 01:41:22,394
Live from New York.
It's Saturday Night!
2345
01:48:56,723 --> 01:48:57,933
{\an8}All right, we're going
to do it again.
2346
01:48:58,100 --> 01:49:00,602
{\an8}Now we got it. Now we got it.
Go back. Go back.
172332
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