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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:02,736
*
2
00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:05,106
CHRIS ROCK:
When I became
football team manager,
3
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,807
I learned
the first rule of sports:
4
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,975
When they're not playing,
5
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:11,212
athletes expect other people
to do things for them.
6
00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:13,181
They expected you
to do easy things.
7
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:15,816
Hey, Chris.
8
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,452
Hit that pedal for me.
9
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,624
Ah, thanks, man.
10
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:25,459
I got any water
on my face?
11
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:28,129
They expected you
to do hard things.
12
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,631
Hey, Chris, put this back
in the weight room for me.
13
00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:32,133
(grunts)
14
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,502
They expected you
to do ridiculous things.
15
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,170
Hey, Chris, could you
eat this for me?
16
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,439
I don't like it.
17
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:41,109
But mostly, they expected you
to do things they couldn'tdo.
18
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,344
Hey, Chris, I need
to talk to you, man.
19
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,312
What's up?
20
00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:47,648
What's up is
Coach Thurman's gonna fail me.
21
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:50,518
Fail you? You're, like,
the best guy on the team.
22
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,487
All you have to do is show up
and it's automatic "A."
23
00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:56,324
Why would he fail you?
Something about me never
showing up to class.
24
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:57,725
Look, he's trippin'.
25
00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:01,529
I don't know why we need
to learn about history anyway.
26
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,665
What difference does it make
who won World War III?
27
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,200
It's over.
28
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,401
The Japanese won,
29
00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:08,636
and now we
have Walkmans.
30
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,638
Thank God Italy
won World War IV
31
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,240
and we got pizza.
32
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,607
So, what you gonna
do about it?
33
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:15,576
It's not what I'm
gonna do about it,
34
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:17,545
it's what you're
gonna do about it.
35
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,580
I need you
to do my history
assignments for me.
36
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:20,748
Man, this is a lot of work.
37
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,683
Come on, man, I
thought we were cool.
38
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,418
What am I gonna get out of it?
39
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:25,753
I'll owe you one.
40
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,888
You will?
Yeah.
41
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,323
Even though
doing Dickerson's work
42
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,591
was like taking an extra class,
43
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,294
I knew him owing me one
would be worth it.
44
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,528
All right, I'll do it.
45
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:35,729
* Pump up the volume,
pump up the volume *
46
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:36,730
My man.
47
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,332
* Dance, dance...
48
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:52,913
* Ah, make it funky now.
49
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:57,151
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
50
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,501
When Dickerson said "my man,"
51
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,469
it was like making me
vice president.
52
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:18,472
It was the next best thing
to being him.
53
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,574
What's this?
It's your homework.
54
00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,443
GIRL:
Hi, Dickerson.
I summarized
chapter three.
55
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:23,877
BOY:
Dickerson!
It starts with
the Magna Carta
56
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,713
and how it affected the
serfs in rural England.
57
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:27,581
GIRL:
Hey.
My man!
58
00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:29,617
That's it?
59
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,252
That's what?
60
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,620
I had expected a little more.
61
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,455
I thought by being cool
with Dickerson,
62
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,590
a whole new world
would open up...
63
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:39,793
in school...
That'll be
a dollar.
64
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:42,563
Whoa, whoa.
His lunch is free.
65
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:45,366
That's my man.
66
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,534
...after class...
67
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,835
Give him your number.
68
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,970
That's my man.
69
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,539
(Dickerson laughs)
70
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,807
...even in the streets.
71
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,743
What do we have here?
72
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,545
Aw, look at that.
73
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,647
Hey, hey, don't arrest him.
74
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,315
That's my man.
75
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:02,683
Oh, my bad.
76
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:03,984
Excuse me.
Sorry.
77
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,387
There you go.
78
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,688
You got it.
No problem.
79
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:08,756
Good to
see you.
80
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,560
Yo. You're just gonna
knock my man's stuff
81
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:14,828
out of his hand
and not pick it up?
82
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:15,996
Sorry.
83
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,766
Caruso knows how
to say "sorry"?
84
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,639
Anyway, what'd you want?
85
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:26,940
Nothing.
86
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,342
My man.
87
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,612
Back at home,
I wasn't the only one
88
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,581
who needed
a new man on the job.
89
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,716
Oh! Excuse me, Mr. Julius.
90
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,951
Exactly the man
I was looking for.
91
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,387
Is everything all right?
92
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,289
Actually, I got
a bit of a situation.
93
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,657
You wouldn't know anyone
looking for a job, would you?
94
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,360
Me! Me!
95
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:47,628
I want a job! Me!
96
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:48,996
(laughs)
Whoo!
97
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,631
I want a... Me!
98
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,266
What kind of job?
99
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,468
I mean, I might
be interested.
100
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,036
If my father had been a rapper,
101
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,971
his name would've been
Snoop Jobby-Job.
102
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,607
Don't you already have two jobs?
103
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,275
(chuckling):
You want another one?
104
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:02,543
That's like
asking Amy Winehouse
105
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,011
if she wants another drink?
106
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,413
Well, what's the job?
107
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,581
Well, my assistant died today.
108
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:08,982
Oh, no. What happened?
109
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,984
Well, he went
to a dollar theater
110
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,554
to watch the movie Airplane,
when ironically,
111
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,690
a chemical toilet
fell out of an airplane,
112
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,826
crashed through the roof
and crushed him.
113
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,394
Tragic.
114
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:21,829
Tragic!
115
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,365
Anyway, I need a replacement.
116
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:25,666
What would I have to do?
117
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:28,436
Well... you know,
pickups, deliveries.
118
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,070
That's what I already do.
119
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,473
Well, all right, then,
you're hired!
120
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:33,741
(both laugh)
121
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,543
Uh, here you go.
122
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:37,645
Now, the van's out front.
123
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,046
What's this?
124
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,714
Oh, the address to the theater.
125
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,683
I need you to pick up
my dead assistant,
126
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,518
row J, seat 15.
127
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:45,619
And I believe
128
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:46,654
he's entitled to a refund,
129
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,890
so you keep that
as a signing bonus.
(laughing)
130
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,626
With a new job
and a signing bonus,
131
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,095
my father thought he had
been hit by a chemical toilet
132
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,730
and gone to Heaven.
133
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:59,066
Meanwhile, doing Dickerson's
work was killing me.
134
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,802
Yo, Chris.
135
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,071
You didn't finish that homework?
136
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:06,640
Oh, yeah-- this is my homework.
137
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:08,509
I did yours last night.
138
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,577
There.
139
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:12,513
It's a complete time line
of the significant events
140
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,615
that led up
to World War I.
141
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:15,849
My man!
142
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:19,587
Hey, get me a sandwich--
turkey with, uh,
143
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:20,988
cheese and
mayo on it.
144
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,790
They don't have that today.
145
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,758
They got it across the street.
146
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:26,527
Cool.
147
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,496
(chuckling):
My man!
148
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,898
Hey, Walter.
Hey, Carol.
You hungry?
149
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,900
My man was just about
to get me a sandwich.
150
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:33,901
I'll take one.
151
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,803
Make that two.
152
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:36,904
Cool.
153
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,772
(chuckling):
My man!
154
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:41,742
Dude, just then,
am I crazy,
155
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:44,478
or when Dickerson
said "my man" was
he talking to you?
156
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:45,779
Yeah, he was talking to me.
157
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:46,847
That's awesome!
158
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,549
You're, like, his
number-two guy now.
159
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,584
It's like Chico and the Man,
160
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:51,885
My Man Godfrey,
Our Man Flint.
161
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:54,021
I can't even imagine--
the perks gotta be great.
162
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,823
Well, so far
the only perk is
163
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,392
Caruso saw me earlier
and didn't punch me
in the face.
164
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,160
What's up, Parish?
Hey, Bird.
165
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,129
So, what's up
with you and Dickerson?
166
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,163
You guys hanging out?
167
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,698
That's your man?
You're cool?
168
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:05,733
Basically, yeah.
169
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,401
Huh. What about you,
170
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,969
are you cool
with Dickerson, too?
171
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,538
Nah, just him.
172
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,005
Cool.
(blow lands)
173
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,508
Greg did a nice job
of waiting ten seconds
174
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,009
before crying.
175
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,145
After a full day
of hanging with Dickerson,
176
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:20,681
I was hung up at home, too.
Boy, put that away.
177
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,484
You got that much
work, you have to do
it during dinner?
178
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,886
I have a lot this week--
I was up late last night.
179
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,588
I'm just trying
to get it done.
180
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:30,458
(singing conga rhythm)
181
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,464
(laughs, claps)
182
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,531
Hey, baby!
183
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:40,734
What's up, Chris?
184
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,436
Drew.
185
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,837
Pssh!
186
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:45,038
Baby girl.
187
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,206
Hey.
188
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,842
(groans)
This smells good!
189
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:50,511
Whew!
190
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:54,848
Rochelle, did you do
something new with your hair?
191
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,017
I combed it.
192
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,752
It looks great.
193
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,721
Doesn't your mother's hair
look great?
194
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,491
CHRIS/TONYA/DREW:
I don't know.
195
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,593
Well, I think it looks great.
196
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,561
TONYA:
Can I get finger waves
in my hair?
197
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:08,862
You got finger wave money?
198
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,498
Uh, I could give
her finger waves.
199
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,165
All you need is a
perm kit, holding gel,
200
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,200
some gloves
and your fingers.
201
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,868
I don't think so, baby.
202
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,504
I'll give you ten dollars
if you need it.
203
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:17,871
You been drinking?
204
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:19,707
No. I just feel good today.
205
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:22,576
Dad, you said you'd just
pay for finger waves.
206
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,777
Did you get knocked
207
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,879
over your head
and forget you were broke?
208
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,014
(chuckles)
No.
209
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,783
Did aliens kidnap you and
replace you with a rich guy?
210
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,485
No.
Can I get new earrings?
211
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,753
Sure.
212
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:34,855
What's going on with you?
213
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,123
What are you talking about?
214
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,224
You're singing
and dancing
215
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,726
and willing to pay
216
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,494
for finger waves
and earrings?
217
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:41,795
Are you leaving us
for a white woman?
218
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:44,632
No. It's just being
at this new job,
219
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,800
I'm with dead people
everywhere I go.
220
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:50,604
It just makes me feel
like I need to appreciate
life a little more.
221
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,072
Oh, this is good!
222
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:53,541
What is this, baby?
223
00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:55,709
Vegetables.
224
00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:56,910
You kids try this?
225
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,112
Chris, pass me
the big piece of carrot.
226
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:02,716
I don't know how you
can stand being around
all those dead people.
227
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:03,851
I love it.
228
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,654
It makes you realize
that life is short.
229
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,689
Anything can happen
at any time--
230
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:09,857
a toilet could fall
out of the sky and crush you.
231
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,158
A bus door
232
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,561
could clamp on your
neck and choke you.
233
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:16,830
A poisonous lizard
could escape from
the zoo and bite you.
234
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:19,032
You could fall off a bridge
and drown.
235
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:23,804
And you could trip and
fall in front of a power
mower and be decapitated.
236
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,238
You could be smoking
a cigarette
237
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,674
and blow up while siphoning
238
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,175
(over phone):
65 cents' worth of gas.
239
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,844
And you could eat some
bad coleslaw and get diarrhea
240
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,646
and die of dehydration.
241
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:33,847
You could step in a puddle
242
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,683
and be electrocuted
by a downed wire.
243
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:38,018
You could blow your nose
and startle a cat with rabies...
244
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,688
Okay, okay, we get it!
245
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,723
We can die at any time,
246
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:44,291
and you're happy!
That's right.
247
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:45,793
Ma, can I go?
248
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:46,894
I got to get to school.
249
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,562
Hold on.
250
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:50,964
Since I'm happy, I want
you all to be happy.
251
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:53,000
I bought you all
some presents.
252
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,001
You did what?
253
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,904
Drew, I got you a Kangol hat.
254
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,005
Ah, cool.
255
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:58,939
ROCHELLE:
Wait, wait, wait.
256
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,174
That thing is expensive.
Tonya,
257
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:04,077
I got you a Danny Glover
Witness Action Play Set.
258
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,180
You bought
your daughter
259
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,616
a gun?
260
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,617
It's just like the one
261
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,251
he wounded Harrison Ford with--
thanks, Daddy!
262
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,921
They were out of
The Color Purple Play Set.
263
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,123
Chris, I got you
264
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,258
the heavy-duty garbage bag
with the quick ties
265
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,161
so they won't break
when you carry a heavy load.
266
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:22,896
Ah. 13-gallon.
267
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,965
I was wondering
how you were gonna top
268
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,700
the Danny Glover thing.
Julius, we have
269
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,669
bills to pay,
and you're giving out gifts?
270
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,638
What about the present
to the gas company,
271
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,705
the electric company,
272
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,173
the water company?
273
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,307
This is...
274
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:38,746
$47.92 that you just spent
on the kids!
275
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,715
Should my garbage bags
really count in that total?
276
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,016
Not just for the kids.
277
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,719
This is for you!
278
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:48,622
Oh! That's Armando Vermani!
279
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,624
I love Armando
Vermani!
280
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:51,859
It's all leather!
281
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:55,228
Oh, baby, this is beautiful!
282
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,665
I thought you were mad
because he was spending money.
283
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,700
Girl, shut up
and go play with your gun.
284
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:02,135
Oh, I got to put
this in plastic!
285
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,838
I wasn't happy about
what I was getting at home,
286
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:08,141
(bell rings)
and I was even less happy about
what was happening at school.
287
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,143
What?!
I knew this was
gonna happen.
288
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,746
Did you hear
what she said?
Who? What?
289
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,147
We have a test tomorrow--
290
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,717
she went over all the
stuff today in class.
We do?
291
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,018
Dude, you're burning
the candle at both ends.
292
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,687
There's no way you can do
another guy's work
293
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,988
and still have time
for your own stuff.
294
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,723
It's like cheating
on a girlfriend.
295
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,024
If you've never had
a girlfriend.
296
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,358
I'm fine.
Dude, you're not fine.
297
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,094
Unless you want to
fail your classes,
298
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,429
you better tell Dickerson you're
not doing any more of his work.
299
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,032
Just calm down--
I-I can handle this.
300
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,166
Yeah, right after
you finish your nap?
301
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:37,237
I miss being able to nap
in the middle of the day.
302
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:44,111
CHRIS ROCK:
So far, all I had gotten
from doing Dickerson's work
303
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,746
was drool on my shirt.
304
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,681
I didn't know if things
would get any better,
305
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,050
so I decided to get out
before things got worse.
306
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,885
Dickerson, I need
to talk to you.
307
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:53,053
(scoffs)
Yo. I need to talk to you.
308
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,288
Thurman pulled out
the big guns.
309
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,024
He said I need
to turn in an essay
310
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:58,191
on the aftermath of World War I.
311
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,193
And if I don't pull
at least a "B,"
312
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:02,362
yo, I won't play
in the next game.
313
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:03,997
An essay?
314
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,066
Yeah. You know,
like, 20-25 pages.
315
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,701
You can do that, right?
316
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,436
Yeah. That's what
I wanted to talk
to you about.
317
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,072
Dickerson, listen
Look, I...
318
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,207
Hi, Walter.
Hey, Chris.
319
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,376
Hey... Carol.
320
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:19,813
Uh, she's Carol.
I'm Carole with an "e."
321
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,248
A lot of people
make that mistake.
322
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,983
Oh. You didn't tell me
you had a sister.
323
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,051
I don't.
324
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,953
You're not twins?
325
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,487
No.
Why?
326
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,056
You're joking.
327
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,457
Now, why would
they joke about that?
328
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,125
They look exactly alike.
329
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,060
Hmm. You think so?
330
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,394
Man, you need glasses.
331
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,729
CAROL:
We were wondering
332
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,164
if you could
do us a favor.
333
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,431
(chuckling):
Of course he can
do you a favor.
334
00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:40,033
Look, this is my man.
335
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,002
Chris, you wouldn't leave
my girls hanging, would you?
336
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,470
No.
337
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:44,404
Great. Here.
338
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,139
What's this?
Just some math.
339
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:47,140
It's easy.
340
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,408
Then why don't you do it?
341
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,143
Hey, well, look,
we're getting ready to go
342
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,144
eat lunch, my man.
343
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:52,145
You want to come?
344
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:53,413
Finally!
Yeah.
345
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,448
(laughing):
Psyche!
346
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,084
Man, you ain't
got time to eat,
347
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,852
'cause you got to work,
but that was funny.
348
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,120
We'll catch you
later, all right?
349
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,121
Yeah.
350
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,455
My man.
351
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:04,457
At school,
things were getting ugly,
352
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,794
but to my father,
life was beautiful.
353
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,028
I don't know
what's got into you,
354
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,529
but I hope
it don't get out.
355
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,132
You know, James,
life is short.
356
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,534
I mean, one day, you could pick
your toenail and...
357
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,770
End up with a bad
viral infection
358
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,038
and have to get your
foot amputated.
359
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,207
We got it.
360
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,341
Look, before you get
to the next scenario,
361
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,110
can I get that cash?
Oh.
362
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:27,881
Let's see...
$175 right there.
363
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:28,882
Yeah.
364
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,250
$175?
365
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,252
What you gonna do
with all that?
366
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,821
I'm starting an
answering service.
367
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,189
All I have to do is
buy a couple of phones,
368
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:38,325
get some extra phone lines,
then I can make money
369
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:39,993
just by taking other
people's phone calls.
370
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:42,195
So it's like a human
answering machine.
371
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:44,264
Exactly.
372
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,800
You know, Julius,
I've been kind of depressed
373
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,168
since my father left us.
374
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:49,436
Can I get $20?
375
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,305
Sure. Here you go.
376
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,941
My man.
377
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:55,008
All right.
378
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,309
Mmm.
379
00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:59,046
Back at school, I went from
running around for Dickerson,
380
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:00,480
to running
around for everybody.
381
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,149
Hey, Chris.
Hey.
382
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,484
Dickerson said you could
do my algebra homework.
383
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,190
Hey, Chris!
384
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:13,326
Dickerson said you'd
wash my car for me.
385
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,130
Are you Christopher?
386
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:18,398
Yeah.
387
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:22,002
Dickerson said you can get the
devil out of this little girl.
388
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,804
(snarls)
389
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,274
While I had it hard,
390
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,476
my father became a soft touch.
391
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:30,911
Hey, I need $10 for gas.
392
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,145
Regular or premium?
393
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,113
Premium.
394
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,882
There you go.
395
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,884
(laughing):
My man.
396
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,852
I need to get my
hair dryer fixed.
397
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,221
Just buy yourself a new one.
398
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,489
Ooh!
399
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:45,025
(grunts happily)
400
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:47,260
I need some ammo for my bazooka.
401
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:49,096
Anti-tank or anti-personnel?
402
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,131
(scoffs)
Anti-tank, of course.
403
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,532
Oh, here you go.
404
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,434
Thank you.
405
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,369
Can you let me hold
some bail money?
406
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:59,106
Get yourself a lawyer, too.
407
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,241
Come on.
I didn't do nothing.
408
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:04,277
You're throwing money away.
409
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,946
No, I'm not, baby.
410
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,347
I'm spreading happiness.
411
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,050
That's the only real thing
you can do with life.
412
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,618
Who knows how much time
we have left?
413
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,220
I do!
414
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:16,456
We've got 18 years left
to pay off this house.
415
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:19,026
Three kids left to
put through school.
416
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,995
14 days left to pay off
last month's gas bill.
417
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,296
And you got one more bounce
418
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:25,098
before I shove that
ball down your throat.
419
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:27,134
That's my point, Rochelle.
420
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,435
I could be dead
before my threesies.
421
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:32,272
Julius, you have got
to quit this job.
422
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,473
I don't want to quit this job.
423
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:34,607
I want to be happy.
424
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,277
You want to be happy.
425
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,112
Okay, one question:
Do you want to be happy
426
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:40,313
or do you want
to be married?
427
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,115
Why can't you have both?
428
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,217
Just kidding.
429
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:50,290
My dad wasn't the only one
who had to pay the piper.
430
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,127
I got an "A."
What did you get?
431
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,362
Wow an "F."
432
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,130
You think that stands
for "fantastic?"
433
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,299
You could've just
said, "I hate to say
I told you so."
434
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,500
I told you so.
435
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:04,371
If smacking Greg is wrong,
I don't want to be right.
436
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,143
CHRIS ROCK:
After getting an "F,"
437
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,245
no matter
what Dickerson said,
438
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,914
I knew it was
time to be my own man.
439
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,684
My man.
440
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,352
Hey, look, I
need you to do me
441
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,354
one of those summaries
again for my English class.
442
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,190
Dickerson,
I can't do this anymore.
443
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,358
I'm sorry.
What are you talking about?
444
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:27,327
I've been spending so much time
on your work,
445
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,328
I don't have time to do my work.
446
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:30,397
What are you trying to say?
447
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,165
I'm saying I've been spending
so much time on your work,
448
00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:33,233
I don't have time to do my work.
449
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,135
But I thought you was my man.
450
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,069
I was.
451
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,205
Hey, Dickerson,
he's not your man anymore?
452
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,140
DICKERSON:
No. I guess not.
453
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:49,983
(whistling)
454
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:53,053
I can't believe you came down
here after our conversation.
455
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:56,123
Rochelle, I know you're
concerned right now,
456
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,057
but if you
knew how I felt,
457
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,658
you'd want me to keep
feeling this way.
458
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,427
OMAR:
Oh, hey, Ms. Rochelle.
459
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,430
Here's the address,
Mr. Julius.
460
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,299
Oh, by the say is it possible
to borrow $40?
461
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:07,634
Sure.
462
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,701
(money rustling)
463
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,270
I'll pay you back
next week.
464
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,438
Don't worry about it.
465
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,173
My man.
466
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:14,541
Bye, baby.
Bye, baby.
467
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:15,775
Have a good day.
468
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,344
Good man.
469
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:19,012
You got to fire him,
470
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,280
and you have to
fire him today.
471
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,614
Why would I want to do that?
472
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:24,284
I've never seen a man
be so happy with his work.
473
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,254
He is throwing money away
like there's no tomorrow.
474
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:29,089
Well, there might not be
a tomorrow.
475
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,524
Well, if there is, you ain't
gonna have no place to live.
476
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:32,359
What you talking about?
477
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,560
Let me remind you
478
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,128
you're a tenant
in our house.
479
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,696
If we lose the home,
you lose your...
480
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:37,697
He's fired.
481
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,332
(snatches money)
Thank you.
482
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,401
If you're keeping score,
that's happy: zero,
483
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,370
my mother: one.
484
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:46,439
Helping out Dickerson
was a bad idea,
485
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,641
and when I stopped,
it got even worse.
486
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,243
You wanted to see me?
487
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:52,279
Oh, yes. Yeah.
488
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:56,116
I have here Mr. Dickerson's
essay, in which he received
489
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,418
a grade of "B."
490
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:02,322
But I'm not so sure
he actually wrote this paper.
491
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,323
Why not?
492
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:08,695
Walter, who was in
World War One?
493
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:13,500
Um... Earth and Jupiter.
494
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,468
Now you see
why I'm not sure?
495
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,769
(laughs)
496
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,371
Maybe he forgot.
497
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,473
Forgot? Really? Forgot what?
498
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,442
Forgot who was in World War One,
499
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:27,347
or forgot to not sign
your name on his paper, hmm?
500
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:31,418
Or not do the whole thing
in your handwriting?
501
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,653
The two of you, huh?
502
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,555
You insult
my intelligence.
503
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:38,391
Maybe if I was blind,
you could turn this paper in
504
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,127
and say that he wrote it,
505
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,529
but I'm not blind. Hmm?
506
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,497
Do I look blind? Hmm?
507
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:47,767
Do I have black sunglasses
and a piano?!
508
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,536
Actually, he did.
509
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,472
* Whop ba ba lo bop
a lop bam boom *
510
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,474
* Tutti fruiti, oh, Rudy
511
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,709
* Tutti fruiti,
oh, Rudy *
512
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,446
* Tutti fruiti, oh, Rudy
513
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,615
* Whop ba ba lo bop
a lop bam boom. *
514
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:07,187
You. You're suspended
from tomorrow's game.
515
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,388
Coach, I'm
not suiting up?
516
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,790
Oh, sure, you can suit up.
517
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,192
But do it at home.
518
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:13,560
And after you suit up,
519
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:14,827
I want you to write me an essay
520
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:17,530
on the events leading up
to World War Two.
521
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,399
And you.
522
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,467
I know, detention.
523
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,635
Oh, no.
Detention is way too easy.
524
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:24,404
You turned your back on easy
525
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,838
when you did his paper,
Cool Breeze.
526
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:29,442
So, Lincoln goes through
all this trouble
527
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,512
to issue
the Emancipation Proclamation,
528
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:35,315
frees your people from slavery,
and what do you do?
529
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,883
you run around doing
other people's work for them.
530
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,385
You're killing me.
531
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:39,852
Et tu Kunta Kinte?
532
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,821
I'm sorry.
No. I'm sorry.
533
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,456
But I'm going to help you out.
534
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,659
Maybe Lincoln couldn't get
to you, but I can.
535
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:47,827
What are you going to do?
536
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,596
(laughing)
537
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,299
Wouldn't you like to know?
538
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:54,801
(laughs)
539
00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,373
Oh, how was your day
with the dead people?
540
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,574
I got fired today.
541
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,542
(gasps)
Fired?!
542
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:03,443
Yes, fired.
543
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,445
Fired? Are you kidding?
544
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,580
You've never been fired a day
in your life-- fired?
545
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:08,548
Yes, fired.
546
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:09,782
Fired. That
is ridiculous.
547
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,584
Why would he do such a thing?
548
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:13,420
He said he wanted
a full-time person.
549
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,455
He said crack
was making his business boom.
550
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,724
Fired. Oh, baby,
and you were so happy.
551
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:18,858
That's true.
552
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:21,194
Seeing those bodies every day
was an epiphany for me.
553
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:23,896
Mm. Well, that epiphany
cost $867.42.
554
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,164
What?
555
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:28,468
That's when my father realized
epiphanies are expensive.
556
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,770
Man. Epiphanies are expensive.
557
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:31,938
Then he had another epiphany.
558
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,240
I'm never going to get
that money back.
559
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,974
Yes, you will.
I will?
560
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,710
I took all that stuff back.
561
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:38,378
And here.
562
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:40,613
No, baby, you can keep that.
563
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,815
Okay.
Hey, Dad.
564
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,617
Do you think Drew can borrow
one of your hats?
565
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:45,618
Hat?
566
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,587
Drew, get in here.
567
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,726
What the hell happened
to your head?
568
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,329
Before I gave Tonya
a finger wave,
569
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,298
I decided I'd try it on myself.
570
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,300
But I think I left the perm in
too long.
571
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,402
That's $10 worth of perm.
572
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:03,836
(indistinct announcement
over PA)
573
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,538
Do I really
have to do this?
574
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,573
So, Chris, you want
to work for people?
575
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:07,974
You want to do
what he does?
576
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:08,908
You do everything
he does.
577
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,777
I want you to get out
on that field, and...
578
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,480
(widespread groaning)
579
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:16,316
(over PA):
Rock broken up by number 72.
580
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,584
Where'd you go?
I wasn't done talking yet.
581
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,353
What I was saying was, I want
you do get out on that field...
582
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,622
* Everybody hates Chris.
583
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:25,992
Captioned by
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