All language subtitles for 1731426839355

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified) Download
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,760 [PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY] 2 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:52,845 MAN: All right, Chevy. 3 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,805 WOMAN: Chevy, you're very handsome. 4 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,557 - CHEVY: Stop it. - How did you become so funny? 5 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,683 CHEVY: What was the first part? 6 00:00:58,684 --> 00:00:59,768 [LAUGHTER] 7 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,228 WOMAN: Lorne said if I just stared into the camera, 8 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,898 that'd take a lot of guts. 9 00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:06,816 [WOMAN LAUGHING] 10 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:10,738 "There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing." 11 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,783 MAN: Action, Laraine. 12 00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:22,332 Hi. 13 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:23,374 [LAUGHTER] 14 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,211 Did I spell your name right? 15 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,341 I'm Garrett Morris talking to all you white Americans... 16 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:33,010 about the way Black people have been treated in America. 17 00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:36,554 Now, I know a lot of you feel guilty, and you should. 18 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:37,473 [LAUGHTER] 19 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:41,852 You see, um, having a catheter... 20 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:43,938 a lot of people think it's funny. 21 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,731 And they like to see me dance. 22 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,317 [LAUGHTER] 23 00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:52,238 Now, I look up, and I see it coming down now, real quick... 24 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,697 and I see discs. 25 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,074 Whirlin' discs! 26 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,034 - Really? - All right. 27 00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,494 Radney? 28 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,538 I'm not gonna talk about... No. 29 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,997 DAN: Whirlin'. Whirlin' around, whirlin' around. 30 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,333 I see all kinds of lights. Then they just drop me. 31 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,961 In order to get that much iron, you probably have to overeat. 32 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:10,840 Send your check or money order to White Guilt Relief Fund. 33 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,008 We're ready? Should we go? 34 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,592 {\an8}[HONKING] 35 00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:15,886 {\an8}[WHISTLE BLOWING] 36 00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:18,596 {\an8}MAN: Free show! 37 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:20,223 {\an8}[INDISTINCT RADIO PROGRAM PLAYING] 38 00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:22,268 Plenty of tickets left, guys! Free show! 39 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:23,811 No? 40 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,272 Hey, free show, man. 41 00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,441 Hey, sir, free comedy show? Plenty of seats. 42 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,360 Perfect for date night! 43 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:32,903 Um... 44 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,365 "You are invited to a new variety spectacular... 45 00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,076 "featuring a parade of comedy... 46 00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:40,619 "and musical acts ripped from the charts." 47 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,163 Jesus Christ. 48 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:44,665 "Where did they unearth such a cavalcade of talent?" 49 00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:48,669 MAN: Hey, man! You okay? 50 00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:52,423 [SIGHS] Maybe ask me again in 90 minutes. 51 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,508 MAN: Why? What happens in 90 minutes? 52 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:56,093 Uh, we go live. 53 00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:59,054 Oh, wow. Far out, man. Congrats. Miss? 54 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,973 - Thank you. - MAN: Hey, wait. If it's live, 55 00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:02,683 then why the hell are you down here? 56 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,643 - Free show. For fuck's sake. - I'm... 57 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,186 - ANDY: Mr. Michaels? - ...waiting for... 58 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,229 Ah! 59 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,773 It's 10 o'clock, Andy. Here. Come on. 60 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,817 MRS. KAUFMAN: Where do I park? 61 00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:14,320 "You are invited to a new variety spectacular..." 62 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:15,862 Just pick him up at 1:00, Mrs. Kaufman. 63 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:16,947 Do you like my suit? 64 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,157 - Very elegant, Andy. - Take care of my Andy! 65 00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:19,867 This is my favorite suit. 66 00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:21,951 "Where did they unearth such a cavalcade of talent?" 67 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:22,952 [CARS HONKING] 68 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,079 Bye. Bye, Mommy. 69 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,079 MRS. KAUFMAN: Bye, honey. 70 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:25,998 - I love you! - LORNE: Andy, come on. 71 00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:33,631 Andy, please, come on. 72 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,382 ANDY: This is beautiful. 73 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,550 LORNE: Yeah. 74 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:37,800 You know, actually, down there 75 00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,886 is where Diego Rivera was hired... 76 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,263 to paint a fresco for the American worker. 77 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,473 ANDY: I cannot see this. 78 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,558 Well, no one can because Diego was a commie... 79 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,225 and added Vladimir Lenin in the middle of the night... 80 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,602 so the Rockefellers had it plastered over. 81 00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:48,686 Deliveries use the back. 82 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:49,979 - I'm producer of the show. - Where's your badge? 83 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,272 - My... - Where's his badge? 84 00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,357 Look, my name is Lorne Michaels. 85 00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:53,441 I'm the producer of Saturday Night. 86 00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,609 - The whole night? - MAN: Hey! Hey! He's good. 87 00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:56,319 - Yeah, I'm producing every show. - He's good. He's good. 88 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,695 - I'm good, you see? - Let him in. Let him in. 89 00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,780 Live on a Saturday night? Must be some show. 90 00:03:58,781 --> 00:03:59,864 I'm good. Andy, please. 91 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,199 Hey, you're doing a great job. Really. Great stuff. 92 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,575 GUARD: What kind of name is "Saturday Night"? 93 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,912 - Andy, come on. Please. - Okay. We rushing. 94 00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,372 Eighth floor, and book it. 95 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,123 Put on your seat belts. 96 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,500 [BREATHING DEEPLY] 97 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,293 So, big night. 98 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:13,753 LORNE: Oh, Andy, have you had dinner? 99 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,172 Huh. Yes, I had spaghetti. 100 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,341 Oh, that sounds delicious. 101 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,217 Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls from upstairs. 102 00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:20,344 You ordered a llama? 103 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,512 A llama? 104 00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:23,973 Yeah. We all decided it was much funnier than a donkey. 105 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,390 Right. Just the guys down at the loading dock 106 00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:27,017 weren't expecting, you know, livestock. 107 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,395 Well, NBC did ask for something fresh and unexpected. 108 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:30,854 That is true. That's true. 109 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:32,146 Uh, just, you know, they also weren't 110 00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,232 expecting you to demand... 111 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,651 an overhaul in the entire lighting and sound package. 112 00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,571 Did anyone ask Edison what a light bulb was 113 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:41,198 before he harnessed electricity? 114 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,368 Who are you in the metaphor? 115 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,578 The light bulb? 116 00:04:46,996 --> 00:04:48,539 We can't expect people to recognize 117 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:49,832 something they've never seen before. 118 00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,375 Right. Okay. Yes. You're correct. 119 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,793 But just, how about a final script? 120 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:53,961 It's not that kind of show. 121 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,504 Okay. Well, what kind of show is it, Lorne? 122 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:56,839 Do you even know what the show is? 123 00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:58,007 Of course. 124 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,050 Are you gonna share it with the rest of us? 125 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,011 - Yes. - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 126 00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:03,554 In 88 minutes. 127 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,389 Oh, my God. [SNORTS] 128 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,182 Uh, have you tested the quality of the sound system? 129 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,434 - No, I haven't. - 'Cause the speakers... 130 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,394 look leftover from Arturo Toscanini. 131 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,687 DICK: I mean, that's not really my job. 132 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,063 Lorne, did you order more lights? 133 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,231 LORNE: Of course. 134 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:15,982 NEIL: Is this your card? 135 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,066 MAN: How'd he do that? 136 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,485 He's a fuckin' magician, numb nuts. 137 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,195 - LORNE: Hey, Neil? - Oh, hey. 138 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,530 You got to be right by my side, man. Locked to my hip. 139 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,906 Remember, when you're here, you're not my cousin... 140 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,199 you're my executive assistant. You're important. 141 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,367 Really? Like in the credits it will say that? 142 00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:27,577 Well, no, but you and I will know. 143 00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,661 They're looking for you in the control room. 144 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,538 Also, Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet? 145 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,582 - Oh, and the llama has arrived. - Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara. 146 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,834 Neil, memo. We need to reeducate the NBC Pages on the show. 147 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,918 You should've heard the guy outside. 148 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,003 What the hell is this? 149 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,297 Saturday Night, it's a new kind of entertainment. 150 00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:42,509 It's abstract and defiant. Avant-garde yet blue collar... 151 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:44,970 [VOCALIZING] 152 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,392 MAN: Gilda, come on. We need you for rehearsal. 153 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:54,229 Oh, be careful. They're still drying. 154 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,981 LORNE: This is monumental work, Edie. 155 00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,567 Mr. Gresner, would you please tell our studio audience... 156 00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:00,277 Jane, you're still attached. 157 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:03,280 ...just how you became a victim of a shark bite? 158 00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:05,741 You are so fluffy. 159 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,034 Hey, come on, Andy. 160 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,369 You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle? 161 00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,663 He has ways of making the animals talk? 162 00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,040 I'll check with the run-of-show board. 163 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,209 Package was addressed to Al Franken and Tom Davis. 164 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,751 I don't know what to tell you, fellas. 165 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:17,961 How do you lose 28 gallons of blood? 166 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,757 JOE: 85 minutes till showtime. 167 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:24,802 Come on, guys. These transitions need to be crisp. 168 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,178 Pretend like there's a hooker holding a sandwich 169 00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:28,430 waiting for you stage right. 170 00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,223 We still need to rehearse five sketches. 171 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,267 Are we any closer on lighting cues? 172 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,144 GARRETT: Hey, Schiller. What are you up to? 173 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,688 I'm burning sage. Removing demons. 174 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,107 Garrett don't do voodoo. 175 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,942 BILLY: Peter packed a peck of pickled peckers. 176 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,486 Andy, this is Billy Crystal and Valri Bromfield. 177 00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:43,821 - They're both in the show. - Andy! 178 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,031 LORNE: They're both very nice. Please stay with them, okay? 179 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,075 Listen, Andy is a certifiable comedic genius. 180 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,243 - He is redefining the form. - Nice to meet you, Andy. 181 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,411 BILLY: I mean, we are in the presence of greatness. 182 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,122 Where is the bathroom? 183 00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,498 Neil, can you show Andy to the washroom? 184 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,208 - Yeah. Yeah. - There you are. Lorne. I can't 185 00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:58,751 - authorize the purchase... - Dick. Dick. 186 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,169 ...of an antique chandelier. 187 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,254 Jim has a question about something. 188 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,547 - Here. Let's step over here. - JIM: He's out of control. 189 00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:04,298 - Okay. I understand. - This isn't a budget. 190 00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:05,383 It's a ransom note. 191 00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:06,509 Someone asked for last Friday's Johnny Carson? 192 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:07,677 Where the fuck you been, Charlie? 193 00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:08,761 Sorry, I've been busy. 194 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,846 I'll be back in a little bit, okay? 195 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,305 Hope I still have a job when he's gone next week. 196 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,016 Okey-dokes. So, as it stands... 197 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,435 we have four host monologues, two stand-ups... 198 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,521 two musical guests, each with two performances... 199 00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:18,981 a solo piece for Andy Kaufman... 200 00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:21,275 five parody commercials, Weekend Update... 201 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,484 a film by Albert Brooks... 202 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:25,070 Jim Henson's Muppet... thing. 203 00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,239 Not to mention seven sketches. 204 00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:28,782 - Something for everybody. - Yeah, it's a lot of show. 205 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,284 - It won't fit. - We don't know that. 206 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,953 I know that. The dress rehearsal was three hours. 207 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,121 Audrey thinks we're tight. 208 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,456 Audrey thinks it's time to make some tough decisions, actually. 209 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,624 Lorne, just cut some things. 210 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,251 - No. We will, but... - CHEVY: Am I still in the show? 211 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:43,839 Jesus Christ. 212 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,133 - Sorry. Tripped over my penis. - Still on the show, Chev. 213 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,801 Oh, I know. Hey, you remember Jackie. 214 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,178 - My girlfriend. - Fiancée. 215 00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,386 It looks expensive. 216 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,470 She is. 217 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,555 It is. 218 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,723 I never know when you're kidding. 219 00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:54,808 Hey, Chev, can I... 220 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,393 Can you show a little goodwill to your co-star? 221 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,895 - Who? Belushi? - Mmm-hmm. 222 00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,397 God! God! What the fuck's the matter now? 223 00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:02,065 I think it's just a new dynamic and... 224 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,441 there are a lot of expectations for every... 225 00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:04,526 I'll tell you what the issue is. 226 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,360 We're not doing a radio hour anymore 227 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,779 and he's built like an Albanian cheeseburger. 228 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,199 Chevy can't help if people are responding to his face. 229 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,491 I mean, I could, but I won't. 230 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:12,992 Right. Well, no one's asking you 231 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,620 to deny your own magnetism, Chevy. 232 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,413 Maybe there's other roles for John to play. 233 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,415 Like a hobo. Or a troll. 234 00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,918 Or a fire hydrant. Or a Volkswagen. 235 00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,086 Or a hemorrhoid. 236 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,797 - You're looking sharp, Patches. - [CHUCKLES] What? 237 00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:27,423 AUDREY: You have to cut something. 238 00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,343 Yeah. Yeah. [SIGHS] 239 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,388 - Neil? - Oh. Yeah! 240 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,641 Get me a key to this door. In fact... 241 00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:37,476 I want keys to all the doors. 242 00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:38,977 NEIL: In the building? 243 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,854 - If you can. - Yeah. 244 00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:45,692 MAN: Frame up on the shot, okay, Cameron? 245 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,152 That's good. 246 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,946 Ready camera 2. That looks okay. 247 00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,031 Hey, guys. 248 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,741 Hey, Lorne. Can you get down or around? 249 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,368 Down in front. 250 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,202 Dave, how're we looking? 251 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,454 Oh. Good, good, good. Good, good. 252 00:08:57,621 --> 00:09:00,040 Still working on the 47 notes you gave me on your last visit. 253 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,709 Okay. How's the morale looking out there? 254 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,210 - "Morale"? - Mm-hmm. 255 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,339 Oh, I think I can speak for the entire crew... 256 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:11,760 when I say this is exactly where we want to be on Saturday night. 257 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,930 - Okay. Great. - DAVE: Yeah. Yeah. 258 00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,766 DAVE: Rocky! Wake up, will you? 259 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:21,436 STEW: Give me lights 25B, 25C! 260 00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,440 Half down on 31! That's 32! 261 00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,276 You've done this before, right? 262 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,443 MAN 2: Man, that's a lot of lights. 263 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,195 Charlie, you're gonna drop a testicle lifting that thing. 264 00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,405 - Good job, Charlie. - [GRUNTS] 265 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,531 JOE: All right. Quiet, please! 266 00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:35,409 Here we go. Rehearsal's up. Actors on their marks. 267 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,868 All right. Hey, guys. 268 00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,288 We only have two minutes of commercials... 269 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,832 to make it from stage right to stage left. 270 00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:43,583 MAN: Anybody know the load bearing on the booms? 271 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,669 - Hello, fellas. - What's up, Joe? 272 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,462 Can I get you anything? Refreshment? 273 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,922 - Mai Tai? - MAN: I'll take a Schaefer. 274 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,924 JOE: Try and at least act like you're fucking working, please. 275 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,383 John, thank you for your patience. 276 00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:53,468 Moments away, okay? 277 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:54,760 [JINGLE PLAYING] 278 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,597 BARBARA: All right. Next card. "Al 'Bud' Franken." 279 00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,558 Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis." 280 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,685 Okay. So, this is a bit? 281 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,895 Look, I don't get half the shit that they do. 282 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,023 Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..." Uh... 283 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:09,276 Lorne, is Rosie going with Michaels or Shuster? 284 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,570 - That's a good question. - BARBARA: Should I ask Rosie? 285 00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,239 No, no, no. I'll take care of it. 286 00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,158 - BARBARA: All right. - DAVE: Stew, that's good. 287 00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,617 That's actually looking good. 288 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,578 A little more over. 289 00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,078 She's been at it for hours. 290 00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,538 She's simply doing her job. 291 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,873 We have to comply with NBC standards. 292 00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,166 Well, I refuse to comply. 293 00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,002 - Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue. - Mmm-hmm? 294 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,214 On page 12, what is clam diving? 295 00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:36,011 I believe the act of harvesting mollusks. 296 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,803 JOE: Stew! You're killing me here. 297 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,222 I just need the lights for Home Invasion. 298 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,015 Talk to the wonder kid! He's trying to light 299 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,933 - Jesus Christ Superstar! - JOE: Those are excuses. 300 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,603 Four people up there, get them lit. 301 00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,564 I'm glad you're having fun, but this isn't helpful. 302 00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:49,900 If that piglet disfigures my work... 303 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,694 I'm gonna turn her uterus into a sock puppet. 304 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,987 What is "Zipper Dinner"? 305 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,406 [ALL CHUCKLING] 306 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:02,079 How many of these did you hide in the script? 307 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,956 Maybe a dozen. It's like a scavenger hunt. 308 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,416 I know what blue balls are. 309 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,584 You don't say. 310 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,587 JOE: Come on, people, move with purpose. Let's do this. 311 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,006 Al, is that your one? Come on, give it. 312 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,883 All right. Quiet, please! Rehearsal is up. 313 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,259 DAN: Assault and burglary. 314 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,137 JOE: Okay. Actors on your marks, please. 315 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,388 Cameras on their marks. 316 00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,473 - Here we go. - Hey. 317 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,397 Okay! Let's see if we can get through one of these skits. 318 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,064 Sketches! Davy, please. 319 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,148 JOE: And action on rehearsals. 320 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,776 DAVE: Okay. Ready, Camera One? Take Camera One. 321 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,322 Look, honey. Boeing Boeing with Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes. 322 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,615 Ready, Camera Two? Take Camera Two. 323 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:42,035 GILDA: Uh, sweetheart, I'm tired. I think I'm just gonna... 324 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,286 have another glass of diet root beer 325 00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:45,956 and go to bed, okay? 326 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,625 - JOE: Aykroyd! - Cue, Danny. 327 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:50,710 [THUDDING] 328 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,215 What's the problem? 329 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,591 JOE: What's going on, Dan? 330 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,385 DAN: It's a little lodged. 331 00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,635 [THUD] 332 00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,720 Hi, there! 333 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:01,972 Please do not be alarmed. 334 00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,890 This is only a simulated assault and burglary. 335 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,309 Repeat. This is a simulated assault and burglary. 336 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,102 This could happen to you at any time. In fact... 337 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,228 - it just has. - GILDA: Call the police! 338 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,313 DAN: No, no! 339 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,399 Don't call the police. I am the police. 340 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:13,524 Well, I might be, anyway. 341 00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:14,650 [CHUCKLING] 342 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,570 - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer... - JOE: Hold! 343 00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,864 Aykroyd, one giant step to the right, please. 344 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,197 Yeah. My right? 345 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,240 - Yes. - DAN: Sure. 346 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,243 Uh, say, man, you want me to say anything in this? 347 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,204 Or am I the silent robber type? 348 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,373 I think we're gonna stick to the script this time. 349 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,833 - What script? - JOE: Thanks, Garrett. 350 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,252 Okay. Here we go. And action on rehearsal. 351 00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,629 Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. 352 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:35,922 My name is Kenny Vorstrather. 353 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,467 I'm president of Trojan Horse Home Security. 354 00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,844 I have broken into your home tonight to illustrate to you... 355 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,011 - [CLANG] - ...and your family just how... 356 00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,554 - MAN: Watch out! - [THUD] 357 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:44,680 [ALL EXCLAIM] 358 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:45,806 Shit! 359 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,057 DAN: Have your girders been checked? 360 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,392 JOHN: Piece of shit! You fucking piece of shit! 361 00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,520 STEW: I'll fucking break your fucking jaw! 362 00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,814 JOE: Play the cameras back. Play the cameras back. Let's go. 363 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:54,732 [GILDA EXCLAIMS] 364 00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,775 - LORNE: John, are you hurt? - [CRACKLE] 365 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,861 - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] - MAN: Jesus Christ! 366 00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,069 You okay? 367 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,155 Need a new gun. Where's props for me, please? 368 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,448 Can somebody clear the children, please? 369 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,575 Excuse me. Watch out, please. 370 00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,409 JOHN: Why? You got any more fucking lights 371 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,661 you want to drop on us? 372 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,704 Yeah, maybe. Maybe, motherfucker! 373 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,498 Want me to break your fucking jaw for you? 374 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,624 Fucking amateur hour! 375 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,710 I'll bust your fucking jaw for you, motherfucker! 376 00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:16,170 Hey! Hey! How dare you endanger my actors? 377 00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:17,254 Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it. 378 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:18,339 Really? Yeah. 379 00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,466 You're the one asking for 100 fucking light cues, pal! 380 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,718 Well, feel free to let me know when my expectations 381 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:23,802 surpass your abilities. 382 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,055 There's a shit-ton of lights. It's not worth it. 383 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,015 You know, I don't know, guys. It was kind of exciting. 384 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,517 Like, it's probably good luck. 385 00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,602 Wallie. 386 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,396 Uh. this thing's not gonna work. I need... 387 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:35,481 Something with a little more heft. 388 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,316 It's got no stopping power. You know what I mean? 389 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,777 The script said pistol. 390 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,779 Well, the script specifically called for... 391 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,615 a Smith and Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum. 392 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:44,823 Do we go again? 393 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,743 Uh, in this deathtrap? 394 00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:47,911 Well, we've worked out the kinks. 395 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:50,330 You know, I still think it was kind of funny. 396 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,249 How high will this thing go, Al? 397 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,000 - Gilda. Gilda. - Say hello to the cameras, boys. 398 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,378 There's home base... 399 00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,753 Kid, this ain't an armory. 400 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,589 No one's gonna notice the difference. 401 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,756 I'll tell you who'll notice. 402 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:01,924 A few of the fine folks at home... 403 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,759 who lugged M16s through four feet of swamp juice 404 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:04,843 in Quang Nam. 405 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,304 Hey, boys! 406 00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,305 Guess I picked the wrong day to not wear underwear. 407 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,390 Don't look too hard. 408 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,474 Proud of yourself? 409 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,185 I'll give you and this circus till the end of the week. 410 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,062 That's funny. 'Cause I give you till the end of the day. 411 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,523 JOE: All right, everyone. Let's get this thing cleaned up. 412 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,440 Ah, ah, ah, ah... 413 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,402 Grab a light, broom, dustpan. We'll get all this glass. 414 00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,529 Mmm-mmm. 415 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,532 Thank you, hermano. 416 00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,159 LORNE: All right, Neil, not with the keys right now. 417 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:37,085 Pow, pow! Pow, pow! [CHUCKLES] 418 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,087 Hey, come on, man. 419 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:40,755 Violence? Really? 420 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,009 Ha-ha! My main man, Jim! 421 00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:48,221 Say, sorry for shooting your Muppets, man. 422 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,931 They're not just... 423 00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:51,891 They're your co-stars. 424 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:56,313 Is that you? You all right there, Jim? 425 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,231 Yes. 426 00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:00,609 No. 427 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:05,322 I don't think the writers on the 17th floor speak Muppet. 428 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:07,657 They tied a belt around Big Bird's neck... 429 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,619 and hung him from my dressing room door. 430 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,163 Hey, I heard about Big Bird. I'm so sorry. 431 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,414 Autoerotic asphyxiation. Who knew? 432 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,751 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] You're full of baloney. 433 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,419 - Uh-oh. Cursing. - STEW: Consider me... 434 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,588 the first rat off this sinkin' ship! 435 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,380 - Oh, really? - Don't jump to... 436 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:26,425 Oh, wow, that's mature. Well, what can I say? Bon voyage. 437 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,595 Lorne, he was our lighting director. We need lights. 438 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,846 I'm sure there's someone else in the building... 439 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,431 - who can push a button, Dick. - Hey, he's the only one 440 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,725 who knows the location of the 200 lights you asked for. 441 00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:35,852 What is this? 442 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,896 What's the meaning of this? Who did this? 443 00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:40,189 [LAUGHTER] 444 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,024 Hey, I thought we were making a comedy! 445 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,527 [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] 446 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,827 [INSTRUMENTS PLAYING] 447 00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:01,085 - [VOCALIZING] - Mmm... 448 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:02,712 Sounding good, guys. 449 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,049 Yeah. Okay. 450 00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:08,551 - All right. - Say, uh... 451 00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,303 we actually worked together before. 452 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,889 I sang backup for Belafonte. 453 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:16,183 [CHUCKLES] Catch that? 454 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,685 [CHUCKLES] 455 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,854 ♪ Drink the coconut water ♪ 456 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,021 BAND: ♪ Four to five! ♪ 457 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,941 ♪ Man, it's good For you daughter... ♪ 458 00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:24,192 BAND: ♪ Four to five! ♪ 459 00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,653 ♪ Coco got a lotta iron ♪ 460 00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:29,698 [LAUGHTER] 461 00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,368 The guy is singing, too. 462 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:36,121 How many people do they have playin' tonight? 463 00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:39,749 No. No, no. See, I am one of the comedic performers, man. 464 00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,418 - Yeah, I'm in the cast. - Uh-huh. 465 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,546 You are a professional comedian? 466 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,381 Uh... Well, uh... No, not... Not... Not... 467 00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:48,966 - Not by trade. - Okay. 468 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,510 Uh... You see, I'm actually a playwright. 469 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,345 - All right. - Perhaps you saw my work... 470 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,432 at the Black Arts Repertory Theatre in Harlem. 471 00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,099 Yeah, I must have missed that. 472 00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,976 [KEYBOARD PLAYING] 473 00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:01,395 Yeah. I actually don't know why they hired me, man. 474 00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:02,480 [CHUCKLES] 475 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,066 Yeah, you seem a little tight. 476 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,359 - A little... - Do I? 477 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,695 Yeah, you gotta kinda loosen it up for the show. 478 00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,029 Say, Alvin... 479 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,573 Hook Mr... 480 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,575 - What's your name? - Garrett Morris. 481 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,869 Garrett Morris, y'all, the comedian. 482 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,537 Yeah, hook Mr. Garrett Morris up... 483 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,707 with a little bit of confidence. You know what I'm saying? 484 00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,418 - Yeah, come... - Okay. 485 00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,794 Go ahead and get it. 486 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:25,962 Medical grade. 487 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,465 Shit so light, air at the bottom of the bottle. 488 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:29,632 You're gonna float. 489 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,593 Float? 490 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,720 - I'm gonna put this away. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 491 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,929 This is illegal. 492 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,014 [CHUCKLES] 493 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:39,768 Yeah, well, you're gonna need it. For your comedy. 494 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,602 - Right. Right. - Yeah. 495 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:42,770 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 496 00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:43,938 - Yeah. Yeah. - All right. 497 00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:46,232 - All right, y'all, let's get it. - JOE: Scotty, sound check. 498 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,942 All right, everyone, quiet for sound check. 499 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,943 - Sound check! - [BAND PLAYING] 500 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:50,986 This should be fun. 501 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,031 [MUSIC PLAYING] 502 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:57,535 [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING] 503 00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,332 Is this full volume? 504 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:03,832 The whole enchilada. 505 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,501 Sounds pretty adequate to me. 506 00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:06,794 Well, this isn't Wimbledon. 507 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:09,129 It needs to feel like a rock concert for everyone at home. 508 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,256 Lorne has such a deep appreciation for music. 509 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,675 Shouldn't we have more mics? 510 00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,052 One band, one mic. 511 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,932 Dick, this needs to be fixed for tonight. 512 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,517 That's what I've been talking about. 513 00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,018 Three, four. 514 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,486 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this for John? 515 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,779 Yeah, I heard he's in makeup. 516 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,572 Do you like being yelled at or something? 517 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:35,782 Here, I've got you. 518 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,201 - Where are you going? - [INCOHERENT MUMBLING] 519 00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:52,590 Jimmy, do not bet on that hand, please. 520 00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:58,805 Can you hold the door? 521 00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,474 Yeah, I think so. 522 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:02,641 Ooh. 523 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,768 - Easy on the macaroni, Carmine. - CARMINE: All right. 524 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,603 ROSIE: You don't want to hurt your stomach. 525 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:07,689 CARMINE: All right, Rosie. 526 00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,612 ROSIE: There he is... 527 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,198 the star of the show. 528 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,993 Come on, Rosie. Not the fucking bees! 529 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,913 I'm not a dashboard ornament. 530 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,542 No, you're adorable, is what you are... 531 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:31,754 and all that fur, every girl's gonna want to squeeze you. 532 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,341 I am a trained professional. 533 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,136 Well, you better watch where you point that stinger. 534 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:41,472 Come on. You want a little cig? 535 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:46,394 What happened to my reporter costume? Blaine Hotel? 536 00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:47,686 It's a five-second changeover 537 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,188 from the reporter to ancient Greece, okay? 538 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,566 Lorne didn't think you'd have time to get into your toga. 539 00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:53,318 Okay. 540 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:00,533 Excuse me, ma'am. 541 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:01,743 Don't be alarmed. 542 00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:05,288 You're dealing with a fully-qualified male strumpet. 543 00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,832 Hey, Rosie, I got the latest version of New Dad. 544 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,000 Okay. 545 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,668 Behave. 546 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,420 Bee-have. 547 00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:16,466 DAN: I can assure you professional hygiene... 548 00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,344 discretion, animal gratification... 549 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,511 Listen, strumpet... 550 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,639 It's Fred Garvin. Male prostitute. 551 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,140 How much is this gonna cost me? 552 00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,975 Hey, need you in costumes. 553 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,394 I told them to make those hot pants extra hot. 554 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,604 Yummy. 555 00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:31,939 Lorne, we're gonna go check out the cut on New Dad, 556 00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,024 you want to see? 557 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,651 [CLATTERING, CRASH] 558 00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:38,321 Holy shit, holy shit. Sorry, Lorne. Jesus. 559 00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:39,863 Hey, I heard John doesn't like the bee costume. 560 00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:40,949 You know anything about this? 561 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:42,951 It's not a costume problem. He thinks he's Brando. 562 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,201 - He's better than Brando. - Lorne, Lorne. 563 00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,410 I'm working on it, Dick. 564 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,412 He's better than Brando. He's more important even. 565 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,456 - He'll be studied. - They will study his liver. 566 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,458 John is better when he's angry. 567 00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:53,043 Rose, you understand that in an hour, 568 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,169 I owe a television program? 569 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,295 I made a covenant with the National... 570 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,380 - Broadcasting Company. - A covenant, huh? 571 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,548 Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on the hook for 90 minutes... 572 00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:00,551 - of live television. - Okay, Abraham. 573 00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,556 Rose, must you turn him into a bee? 574 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:06,932 I am not turning him into a bee. 575 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,016 Thanks, Tom. 576 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,228 He is a man in a bee costume. 577 00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:11,688 - There is a difference. - Hmm. 578 00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:14,691 It's an image you can't get out of your head. 579 00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:18,610 It's postmodern, it's Warhol, it's iconic. 580 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,861 Mmm-hmm. 581 00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,197 Where do these ideas even come from? 582 00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:23,992 I just send an imaginary dog to fetch an imaginary stick. 583 00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,493 LORNE: Yeah? Must be some dog. 584 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:27,370 ROSIE: He's very well trained. 585 00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:28,955 Honey, I'm home. 586 00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,206 Hey, pal. 587 00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,541 Hey. [LAUGHS] 588 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:33,625 How are ya? 589 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,544 LORNE: Looks like Chevy's fiancée slipped and fell 590 00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:36,795 into another segment. 591 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:39,090 Jacqueline's gonna be hosting the show if you're not careful. 592 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:40,299 Jesus Christ. 593 00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:42,301 NARRATOR: A wonderful family. 594 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:43,635 Everything you need... 595 00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:44,595 - [ROSIE LAUGHS] - ...for the future. 596 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:46,556 - Danny's good in this. - Yeah, he is. 597 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:49,726 What if you were suddenly out of the picture? 598 00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:51,686 Can we add sound there over the X? 599 00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:54,188 - EDITOR: Like a buzzer? - No, funny, like a bell. 600 00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,440 LORNE: Good call. 601 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:57,357 ROSIE: And if we could hold on the photo 602 00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:58,650 for another eight frames. 603 00:21:58,651 --> 00:21:59,986 LORNE: Um, 16 frames. 604 00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:03,781 Were you... 605 00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:07,201 thinking of going home with him tonight? 606 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,037 With Danny? Tonight? 607 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:10,620 Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting that you weren't gonna tell me. 608 00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:11,705 If you need alone time, I can, I just... 609 00:22:11,706 --> 00:22:12,956 No, no, no. I just didn't know, like, if you were... 610 00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,875 It's opening night. So, I figured that it wasn't 611 00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:16,377 - the right time. - I mean, neither did I. 612 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:17,712 Well, then why are you asking? 613 00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:19,797 Just avoiding surprises, Rose. 614 00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:21,799 - But you love surprises. - I love surprises. 615 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,134 Like Anne Frank loved her drum set. 616 00:22:24,135 --> 00:22:26,262 - [EDITOR CHUCKLES] - LORNE: Don't encourage her. 617 00:22:27,138 --> 00:22:28,138 Can you hold on the photo 618 00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,348 for another eight frames, please? 619 00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:30,516 It's always eight frames. 620 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,685 Eight frames is a beat. So... 621 00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,564 Can you believe I need to cut an hour of the show? 622 00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,067 NBC doesn't want a three-hour sketch comedy review? 623 00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:40,943 Jesus, Rose, don't call it that, please. 624 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,612 Well, what is it, then? 625 00:22:42,779 --> 00:22:44,030 Honey, I'm home. 626 00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:46,199 MAN: Yes, it's New Dad. 627 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:47,824 I spent years collecting orphaned comedians 628 00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:48,910 off the street. 629 00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:50,203 I know. 630 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,246 They sleep on our dinette and they whiz in our sink. 631 00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:53,581 By some miraculous accident... 632 00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:55,165 I found a place to call home 633 00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:56,666 for our little circus of rejects, 634 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,086 on national television. 635 00:22:58,252 --> 00:22:59,712 Rose, this is our shot. 636 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,339 It's a shot. 637 00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:02,507 Rose... 638 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:06,219 You're actually nervous. 639 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,054 [MONITOR ROLLING] 640 00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:11,974 LORNE: Oh, uh... 641 00:23:12,683 --> 00:23:14,519 Barbara was asking about, um... 642 00:23:15,144 --> 00:23:18,314 your credit... on the show. 643 00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:20,316 I figured you'd go with Michaels. 644 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:21,692 Is that what you want? 645 00:23:22,777 --> 00:23:24,027 [SIGHS] 646 00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:26,864 I mean, you know, we're married and you're my wife. 647 00:23:27,031 --> 00:23:29,367 I figured it's the straightest line. 648 00:23:29,534 --> 00:23:31,452 Lorne, we're married, but I'm not your wife. 649 00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,704 Yeah, I don't think that'll fit on a crawl. 650 00:23:33,871 --> 00:23:35,373 Well, what would you prefer? 651 00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:40,377 Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs 652 00:23:40,378 --> 00:23:41,796 are waiting in the green room for you. 653 00:23:42,004 --> 00:23:43,881 - Fuck. - VTR needed this yesterday. 654 00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:45,216 Well, it looks great. 655 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:50,012 - Tom, Al, what's this about? - BOTH: Hey, Lorne. 656 00:23:50,179 --> 00:23:52,140 - A last-minute piece. - Just in case you need it. 657 00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:53,432 I don't. What's the gag? 658 00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:55,893 We're gonna dress Aykroyd up as Julia Childs. 659 00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,520 - America's favorite chef. - Okay. 660 00:23:57,687 --> 00:23:59,647 And right as she's carvin' up a turkey on live television... 661 00:23:59,814 --> 00:24:01,858 She slices open an artery. Blood everywhere. 662 00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:03,192 Everywhere. 663 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:05,945 That's the whole pitch? 664 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:07,112 Yeah, just America's favorite chef 665 00:24:07,113 --> 00:24:08,196 painting the walls with her insides. 666 00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:09,281 Total gore fest. 667 00:24:09,282 --> 00:24:10,657 It's gonna be utter carnage, boss. 668 00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,659 Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs 669 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:14,870 and I've cut the dickens out of my finger. 670 00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:16,121 - Sounds promising. - Wait, wait, boss. 671 00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:17,247 I didn't even get to the good part yet. 672 00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:18,331 Just put down a tarp. 673 00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:19,875 Yeah, he doesn't like the Julia Childs bit. 674 00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:21,293 - Uh, George... - [THUD] 675 00:24:21,294 --> 00:24:23,254 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 676 00:24:23,421 --> 00:24:25,380 - How's Carlin? - Warming up the pipes. 677 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:28,133 Okay, well, heard Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet. 678 00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:29,426 Eh. Formality. 679 00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,678 Uh, yeah, well, they're pretty formal here. 680 00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:34,055 Uh, speaking of, the folks in standards are a little uneasy... 681 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,182 about the parody commercial 682 00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,683 playing right before the regular ads. 683 00:24:36,684 --> 00:24:38,518 I think they think the viewers might be a little confused. 684 00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:40,520 One might argue that's what makes it humorous, Dick. 685 00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:41,897 DICK: Yeah, but, Lorne, at what point are we 686 00:24:41,898 --> 00:24:43,231 not just making fun of the audience? 687 00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:45,066 Hardly. It's commedia dell'arte. If anything, 688 00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:47,153 it'll make the other commercials feel all the more real... 689 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,071 and the sponsors will probably thank you. 690 00:24:49,614 --> 00:24:50,740 Who's in there? Should I be concerned? 691 00:24:50,907 --> 00:24:52,532 No. Just try not to use words 692 00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:54,243 like "underground" or "revolutionary." 693 00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:55,494 I'm not exactly Che Guevara. 694 00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:56,661 Yeah. 695 00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:58,289 - [MUSIC STOPS] - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] 696 00:24:58,414 --> 00:24:59,874 What the fuck? There's like a thousand people in there. 697 00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:02,293 Fifty. The affiliates, from across the country. 698 00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,544 Lorne, they're excited to see the show. 699 00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:04,795 I don't have time for this, Dick. 700 00:25:04,962 --> 00:25:06,630 Lorne, these are the people that will decide 701 00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:08,174 whether or not we have a hit. 702 00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:11,135 They choose whether we go on the air. We need them. 703 00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:12,845 [EXHALES] 704 00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:15,389 - Three minutes? - Tops. 705 00:25:17,308 --> 00:25:19,185 Gentlemen. Hello. Lorne Michaels. 706 00:25:19,352 --> 00:25:20,686 Hi. Lorne Michaels. 707 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:23,147 Hi. Lorne Michaels. Nice to meet you. Pleasure. 708 00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:25,066 Lorne Michaels. This is my show. 709 00:25:25,233 --> 00:25:27,610 Hi, where are we flying in from, gentlemen? Chicago and... 710 00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,737 - New Orleans. - New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic. 711 00:25:29,904 --> 00:25:32,365 Well, we're very lucky to have some Southerners here. 712 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:33,783 Hi. Nice to meet you. 713 00:25:33,950 --> 00:25:36,827 Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels. I'm the creator of the show. 714 00:25:36,994 --> 00:25:39,038 Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi. 715 00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,624 I appreciate your support, gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi. 716 00:25:41,791 --> 00:25:43,542 - MAN: Tallahassee. - Tallahassee? Wow. 717 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:45,378 - Ladies and gentlemen. - Hi. 718 00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:47,880 Who am I kidding? Gentlemen... 719 00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:51,801 Can I see that? 720 00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:53,511 Thank you. 721 00:25:54,679 --> 00:25:55,845 Hope this isn't the only thing 722 00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:57,514 getting sucked on this weekend, boys. 723 00:25:57,515 --> 00:25:58,515 [LAUGHTER] 724 00:25:58,516 --> 00:26:00,892 Jesus, you guys look like the cast of Godfather 725 00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,603 if it was shot in Alabama. 726 00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:04,437 [LAUGHTER] 727 00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:06,315 I see some cowboys here. 728 00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:08,234 That's a hell of a 10-gallon hat. 729 00:26:08,401 --> 00:26:10,235 You look like you're ready for a date with a livestock. 730 00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:12,196 [LAUGHTER] 731 00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:14,407 CHEVY: Welcome to New York. 732 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:15,741 It's quite diverse. 733 00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:17,451 If you want to meet Black people, go to Harlem. 734 00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,661 If you want to meet Jews, come to our writer's room. 735 00:26:19,662 --> 00:26:21,496 [LAUGHTER] 736 00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:23,499 CHEVY: Sir, you look like you're from Ohio. 737 00:26:23,666 --> 00:26:26,335 My favorite thing about Ohio... 738 00:26:29,046 --> 00:26:30,589 Let me introduce you to our head writer... 739 00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:34,218 our prince of darkness, Michael O'Donoghue. 740 00:26:35,011 --> 00:26:37,053 Thank you. Thank you, Chevy. 741 00:26:37,054 --> 00:26:39,807 Um, I'm certain you all know Mr. Rogers. 742 00:26:39,974 --> 00:26:42,183 Perhaps the most kind and gentle man 743 00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:43,394 in all of television. 744 00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:47,064 This is my impression of Mr. Rogers... 745 00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:50,401 plunging 18-inch steel sewing needles... 746 00:26:50,568 --> 00:26:51,569 into his eyes. 747 00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:52,778 [CLEARS THROAT] 748 00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:59,075 - [SMACK] - [SCREAMING] 749 00:26:59,076 --> 00:27:01,370 [LAUGHTER] 750 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,791 Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael. 751 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:07,835 Um... 752 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:10,295 Well, now you know why they put us on at midnight. 753 00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:11,339 Um... 754 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,760 Uh, hello, everybody, my name is Lorne Michaels. 755 00:27:15,926 --> 00:27:19,722 I'm the producer and creator of Saturday Night. 756 00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:23,392 We have a wonderful show for you this evening. 757 00:27:23,559 --> 00:27:26,645 George Carlin, the great Billy Preston... 758 00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:28,898 a film by Albert Brooks. 759 00:27:29,357 --> 00:27:31,524 Jim Henson's Muppets. 760 00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,525 [LAUGHING] 761 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:35,154 [SIGHS] We're, uh, excited for tonight. 762 00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:36,946 Uh... 763 00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:39,325 Because there's never been a television show... 764 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:42,703 made for or by the generation... 765 00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:45,664 that grew up watching television. So... 766 00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:52,588 In the words of my dear friend Che Guevara... 767 00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:54,964 - this is the revolution. - [SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE] 768 00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:56,049 Yes. Yes. 769 00:27:56,050 --> 00:27:57,592 [CHEERS] 770 00:27:57,593 --> 00:27:58,803 Who's with us? 771 00:27:58,969 --> 00:28:00,304 Heads on pikes! 772 00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:03,557 - Blood will run in the streets! - [CHEERS] 773 00:28:05,059 --> 00:28:06,352 Gentlemen, behold... 774 00:28:06,977 --> 00:28:08,145 if you listen closely, you can hear... 775 00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:10,689 Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob with Howdy Doody. 776 00:28:10,856 --> 00:28:11,940 Lorne can get a little passionate. 777 00:28:11,941 --> 00:28:13,401 And so can Chevy. [CHUCKLES] 778 00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:14,902 - Blood in the streets? - Yeah. 779 00:28:15,069 --> 00:28:16,737 - Well, that sounds delightful. - Mmm-hmm 780 00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:19,239 How much are we spending on this insurrection? 781 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,492 Uh, about 250 an episode. 782 00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:23,701 Well, I guess revolutions aren't cheap. 783 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:24,787 [CHUCKLES] Right. 784 00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:27,373 LORNE: What is this? Absolutely not. 785 00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:29,541 No. No, no, no. We're not gonna beg for their approval. 786 00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:30,667 No, take it down, we don't need this. 787 00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:31,751 Well, you know... 788 00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,294 Lorne Michaels is a special bird, you know. 789 00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:34,380 He believes in his vision. 790 00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,799 Well, that's nice. 791 00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:38,551 Mmm... 792 00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:41,387 And he doesn't really bend. 793 00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:45,349 We know how that story goes. 794 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,352 [CHUCKLES] Mmm-hmm. 795 00:28:49,645 --> 00:28:51,772 CHEVY: Des Moines. How'd you escape? 796 00:28:51,939 --> 00:28:53,691 Well, I appreciate you saying that. 797 00:28:54,275 --> 00:28:56,694 My father had good taste and my mom was an alcoholic. 798 00:28:56,861 --> 00:29:00,448 Excuse me, gentlemen. Can I borrow him for a moment? 799 00:29:00,865 --> 00:29:02,324 Enjoy the show, gentlemen. 800 00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:05,034 You held that room like a pro. 801 00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:07,079 - [CHUCKLES] Thank you. - I mean it. 802 00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:09,540 I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent. 803 00:29:09,707 --> 00:29:11,750 You know, I handle The Tonight Show. 804 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:13,335 I didn't know that. 805 00:29:14,295 --> 00:29:15,296 Between us... 806 00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:17,755 Johnny Carson isn't gonna be around forever. 807 00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:18,674 [CHUCKLES] 808 00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:20,509 Think about it. 809 00:29:22,303 --> 00:29:24,472 You're a handsome, funny gentile. 810 00:29:26,557 --> 00:29:27,892 That means something. 811 00:29:40,070 --> 00:29:42,323 Uh, Lorne, you remember Dave Tebet. 812 00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:44,116 LORNE: Oh, of course. 813 00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:45,451 I remember everyone who gives me a job, Dick. 814 00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:46,785 Smart kid. 815 00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:48,496 Quite a lineup this evening. 816 00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,205 You know, while I have you, I do understand 817 00:29:50,206 --> 00:29:51,624 that we are bending some of the rules... 818 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:54,084 Lorne, this is NBC. There is a way things are done. 819 00:29:54,251 --> 00:29:55,628 - The Peacock way. - Right. 820 00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:56,836 Well, we are thinking a little differently. 821 00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:57,921 We just, you know... 822 00:29:57,922 --> 00:29:59,255 You know, maybe an emu. 823 00:29:59,256 --> 00:30:00,382 [CHUCKLES] Hey, that's... Well, I just... 824 00:30:00,549 --> 00:30:01,592 Dick, shut the fuck up. 825 00:30:03,385 --> 00:30:06,721 Can't you see talent when it's standing inches from your face? 826 00:30:06,722 --> 00:30:08,349 - DICK: Mmm-hmm. - What do you think he's gonna do? 827 00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:10,767 Embarrass us with some half-assed, 828 00:30:10,768 --> 00:30:12,269 rat-fuck donkey show? 829 00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:14,021 Frankly, that's exactly what I signed up for. 830 00:30:14,188 --> 00:30:15,898 - Michael. - I expect you... 831 00:30:16,065 --> 00:30:19,610 to be an unbending force of seismic disturbance. 832 00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:23,696 Light up that NBC switchboard like a bomb went off. 833 00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:26,241 [CHUCKLES] Well, I promise not to play the music too loud. 834 00:30:26,242 --> 00:30:29,495 Oh, fuck that. This isn't the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival. 835 00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:30,829 It's Saturday fucking Night. 836 00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:32,998 I want you to be thunderous and deafening. 837 00:30:33,165 --> 00:30:35,960 If my ears don't bleed, I'll be asking for a refund. 838 00:30:36,126 --> 00:30:37,919 Great. I mean, I've always seen this 839 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,046 as a collision that erupts... 840 00:30:39,213 --> 00:30:40,714 - from every screen in America. - Yes. Yes. 841 00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:43,217 A prism that captures the light of an emerging generation. 842 00:30:43,384 --> 00:30:45,511 Stop! Don't say another word. 843 00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:49,139 Don't question another instinct. 844 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,975 - Ebersol? - Yes? 845 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,311 We're standing in the presence of a prophet. 846 00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:55,479 Yeah, he certainly talks like a... 847 00:30:55,646 --> 00:30:58,732 A man with a vision. 848 00:30:59,149 --> 00:31:01,318 And I want you to take that vision... 849 00:31:01,819 --> 00:31:03,445 like a Sherman Tank... 850 00:31:03,612 --> 00:31:07,032 and plow through any fuck that gets in your way. 851 00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:08,576 - Even me. - [ELEVATOR DINGS] 852 00:31:09,910 --> 00:31:12,621 "Use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few." 853 00:31:13,038 --> 00:31:14,123 I like that. 854 00:31:14,707 --> 00:31:16,417 I'm putting it on my wall. 855 00:31:19,503 --> 00:31:21,004 Was that a Hitler quote? 856 00:31:21,005 --> 00:31:22,672 Atrocities aside, the man was a wordsmith. 857 00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:24,173 You missed a call from Johnny Carson. 858 00:31:24,174 --> 00:31:25,425 I picked up the phone 'cause it was ringing. 859 00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:26,509 What did you tell him? 860 00:31:26,510 --> 00:31:28,261 I told... I don't remember. He hung up on me. 861 00:31:28,262 --> 00:31:29,679 Lorne, Lorne. Is that a bunk bed? 862 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,181 I did have a UFO encounter experience once. 863 00:31:31,348 --> 00:31:32,349 Danny ordered it for his office. 864 00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:34,685 That's confidence. Can you find me something to eat? 865 00:31:34,852 --> 00:31:36,936 DICK: Neil, why would he order a bunk bed? 866 00:31:36,937 --> 00:31:38,314 - [WOMEN LAUGHING] - [PLAYING PIANO] 867 00:31:38,522 --> 00:31:39,897 Could you get that hippie shit out of my face? 868 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,441 And I am actually very strong. 869 00:31:41,442 --> 00:31:42,525 Thinking that he can do the voice? 870 00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:44,277 - It's Aykroyd. Of course he can. - It's Aykroyd. 871 00:31:44,278 --> 00:31:45,404 But that doesn't necessarily mean anything. 872 00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:46,572 Hello, boys. 873 00:31:46,739 --> 00:31:48,365 - Hey, Mike. Are you nervous? - Hey, Mike. 874 00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,284 - Nervous about what? - Performing on live TV. 875 00:31:50,451 --> 00:31:51,660 I'd be shitting bricks. 876 00:31:51,827 --> 00:31:55,456 Television is merely a lava lamp with slightly better audio. 877 00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:58,167 Colored beads to fascinate the animal. 878 00:31:58,334 --> 00:31:59,960 I could do it in a narcoleptic coma. 879 00:32:00,127 --> 00:32:02,129 Hello, Herb. How's Update coming? 880 00:32:02,296 --> 00:32:04,714 South Vietnam has seized and burned 881 00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,967 100,000 Playboy magazines. 882 00:32:07,134 --> 00:32:08,427 I'm still working on the punch line. 883 00:32:09,845 --> 00:32:12,723 For miles, all anyone could smell was roast bunny. 884 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,686 That's the one. Grab it, boys. We need that couch. 885 00:32:18,604 --> 00:32:20,022 - Rise and shine. - Oh, God. 886 00:32:20,648 --> 00:32:22,190 - Coming through, coming through. - Whoo! Okay. 887 00:32:22,191 --> 00:32:23,650 [LAUGHTER] 888 00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:24,734 Oh, pages. 889 00:32:24,735 --> 00:32:25,818 - Watch your back. - MAN: Coming through. 890 00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:27,821 GILDA: Oh. Here we are. 891 00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:30,991 You all right there, Chev? 892 00:32:32,493 --> 00:32:33,702 Things are... 893 00:32:34,495 --> 00:32:35,829 kooper kippy, Herb. 894 00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:37,790 I think it just happened. 895 00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,125 Think I got the old shoulder tap. 896 00:32:41,210 --> 00:32:42,419 - The what? - You know... 897 00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,588 from the guys upstairs. 898 00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:48,258 What's gonna happen to me? I mean, Herb... 899 00:32:49,510 --> 00:32:52,596 you've been around the block. Where am I going from here? 900 00:32:52,763 --> 00:32:53,847 Well, I don't know, Chevy. 901 00:32:54,223 --> 00:32:55,891 I never got a shoulder tap. 902 00:32:56,642 --> 00:32:58,185 I just made a fortune... 903 00:32:58,352 --> 00:33:00,187 and won a few Emmys... 904 00:33:00,354 --> 00:33:01,522 and slept with Gloria Steinem. 905 00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:02,981 Two out of three ain't bad. 906 00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:04,316 GILDA: Here we are. 907 00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:06,485 LARAINE: Oh, wow, you're in so many scenes. 908 00:33:06,652 --> 00:33:10,197 Well... Yeah, but I'm always everyone's kid sister. 909 00:33:10,364 --> 00:33:11,365 You're the hot one. 910 00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:13,117 I think Jane's the hot one. 911 00:33:13,283 --> 00:33:16,453 No, I'm the mom. The still-fuckable mom. 912 00:33:16,620 --> 00:33:18,204 [PIANO KEYS PLAYING] 913 00:33:18,205 --> 00:33:20,123 My instinct is that the American people 914 00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:22,084 are gonna fall in love with you. 915 00:33:22,751 --> 00:33:26,338 You'll be obscenely overpaid for pratfalls and cute jokes. 916 00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:28,549 You'll waste away most of your life... 917 00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:31,009 with purchased company. 918 00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:33,220 And then eventually you'll self-medicate... 919 00:33:33,387 --> 00:33:36,223 with booze and hookers and heroin. 920 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,809 I imagine you'll die alone. 921 00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:41,979 Falling out of a hotel room window in Stockholm. 922 00:33:42,146 --> 00:33:43,147 Jesus. 923 00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:45,023 I can't wait. 924 00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:47,151 Well, you're everyone's favorite, Gilda. 925 00:33:47,443 --> 00:33:49,653 I'm just a bagel looking for lox. 926 00:33:49,820 --> 00:33:52,740 I'm a parrot with nothing to squawk. 927 00:33:52,906 --> 00:33:54,115 Well, I keep feeling like any minute, 928 00:33:54,116 --> 00:33:56,075 Lorne's just gonna ship me back. 929 00:33:56,076 --> 00:33:58,912 Oh. No. On this budget, we can't afford the postage. 930 00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:00,246 GILDA: There's a reason you're here. 931 00:34:00,247 --> 00:34:01,664 You may not know it, but Lorne does. 932 00:34:01,665 --> 00:34:03,291 - Oh, God! - You're dealing here with... 933 00:34:03,292 --> 00:34:04,793 a fully-qualified male strumpet. 934 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,503 GILDA: I'm not a prop, mister. 935 00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:08,839 You know, I can assure you professional hygiene... 936 00:34:09,339 --> 00:34:12,092 discretion, animal gratification. 937 00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:14,511 Why don't you assure me a little peace and quiet? 938 00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:15,679 MICHAEL: You rang? 939 00:34:15,846 --> 00:34:17,473 Yeah. I need the Muppet pages. 940 00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:18,891 I already turned in that one script. 941 00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,266 Was Henson uncomfortable 942 00:34:20,267 --> 00:34:22,018 with the Muppets on a plantation? 943 00:34:22,019 --> 00:34:23,102 It was a musical number. 944 00:34:23,103 --> 00:34:24,480 I don't think that's the problem. 945 00:34:25,272 --> 00:34:27,649 I just can't write for those little hairy facecloths. 946 00:34:27,816 --> 00:34:28,816 Well, I need something for Henson. 947 00:34:28,817 --> 00:34:29,985 We go live in an hour. 948 00:34:30,569 --> 00:34:33,572 JOAN: You cannot say "horny" on NBC. 949 00:34:34,114 --> 00:34:35,823 Did you see what that evangelical cunt 950 00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:37,117 did to our pages? 951 00:34:40,662 --> 00:34:41,955 I'll be right back. 952 00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:44,124 AL: So you want us to say sexy instead of horny? 953 00:34:44,291 --> 00:34:45,584 And sexy and horny just don't mean the same thing. 954 00:34:45,751 --> 00:34:47,669 JOAN: I struggle to see the difference. 955 00:34:47,836 --> 00:34:50,047 Well, if a dog is humping your leg, it's horny. 956 00:34:50,214 --> 00:34:51,340 It's certainly not sexy. 957 00:34:51,507 --> 00:34:53,091 What on earth are you doing? 958 00:34:54,718 --> 00:34:57,846 I'd rather butt-fuck cancer than make these changes. 959 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:04,937 [SIGHS] 960 00:35:06,355 --> 00:35:09,107 Your words don't scare me, Mr. O'Donoghue. 961 00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,401 I am a woman of God. 962 00:35:11,568 --> 00:35:14,362 I'd heard that God's love is blind. Now I know why. 963 00:35:14,363 --> 00:35:16,031 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] You see this? 964 00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:17,241 I do. 965 00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:20,244 I know it looks like an ordinary red marker... 966 00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,204 but this one is special. 967 00:35:22,371 --> 00:35:25,499 It has kept America safe for the better part of a decade. 968 00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:26,667 It is a weapon... 969 00:35:26,834 --> 00:35:29,670 against vulgarity, sex... 970 00:35:29,837 --> 00:35:33,131 communism, and hedonism. 971 00:35:33,340 --> 00:35:37,594 Oh. What about violence? Does it protect America from violence? 972 00:35:37,761 --> 00:35:38,804 JOAN: Yes, that too. 973 00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:40,514 How about infanticide? 974 00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:42,140 Excuse me? 975 00:35:42,307 --> 00:35:43,725 Apologies. Just a... 976 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,769 $2 word for a parent who kills their own child. 977 00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,105 [CHUCKLING] 978 00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,398 The mere thought makes me nauseous. 979 00:35:50,399 --> 00:35:52,316 Oh, understandably. Me too, by the way. 980 00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:53,818 It's just I had this idea for a sketch, 981 00:35:53,819 --> 00:35:54,944 and I'm not sure if it's funny. 982 00:35:54,945 --> 00:35:56,029 You can be the judge. 983 00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,322 It's about this... 984 00:35:57,865 --> 00:35:59,073 powerful, temperamental guy 985 00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:00,950 who rapes this virgin in the middle of the night. 986 00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,119 I know, awful. 987 00:36:02,286 --> 00:36:04,329 Knocks her up without ever saying "Hello..." 988 00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:05,872 - buying her flowers, whatever. - [GIGGLES] 989 00:36:05,873 --> 00:36:07,416 MICHAEL: And then... 990 00:36:07,583 --> 00:36:08,750 here's the funny part. 991 00:36:09,251 --> 00:36:10,836 He has their bastard son... 992 00:36:11,003 --> 00:36:13,796 publicly mutilated and tortured to death on a cross. 993 00:36:13,797 --> 00:36:16,132 [MUFFLED LAUGHTER] 994 00:36:16,133 --> 00:36:18,218 You are a vile human. 995 00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,428 Ah, fuck. You've heard this before. 996 00:36:20,429 --> 00:36:21,638 [LAUGHTER] 997 00:36:22,639 --> 00:36:23,640 Mr. O'Donoghue. 998 00:36:23,807 --> 00:36:26,475 Are we still being formal? Please, just call me Satan. 999 00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:27,561 No, I am Satan. 1000 00:36:28,103 --> 00:36:29,521 - I am Satan. - I am Satan. 1001 00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:30,898 - I am Satan. - I'm Satan. 1002 00:36:31,064 --> 00:36:32,441 - WOMAN: No. I am Satan. - MAN: We're Satan. 1003 00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:36,904 You will be forgotten. I am gonna make sure of it. 1004 00:36:37,529 --> 00:36:38,821 - Bye. - [FAINT LAUGHTER] 1005 00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:40,782 [ALL MOCKING] 1006 00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:42,658 Are you out of your mind? 1007 00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:44,160 Look, for better or worse, I call it like I see it. 1008 00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:45,286 Well, that was worse. 1009 00:36:45,287 --> 00:36:46,537 Lorne, they need you at the loading dock. 1010 00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:47,622 I'm sure someone can sign for whatever. 1011 00:36:47,623 --> 00:36:48,706 You're back on the Muppets. 1012 00:36:48,707 --> 00:36:50,207 - MICHAEL: Fuck you, I'll quit. - Yeah, I doubt that. 1013 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,375 It's Leo. He's been fighting 1014 00:36:51,376 --> 00:36:52,669 with security, and there's blood. 1015 00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:54,630 Oh, my God. Dick. 1016 00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:56,048 Oh, shit. 1017 00:37:00,052 --> 00:37:00,885 LORNE: Ah! 1018 00:37:00,886 --> 00:37:03,095 - Hey! - Hey, Dick. Is this turkey? 1019 00:37:03,096 --> 00:37:04,722 - DICK: While I have... - There wasn't a sign, so I... 1020 00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:05,806 - Great. - Lorne, Lorne. 1021 00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:06,849 While I have you... 1022 00:37:06,850 --> 00:37:09,102 Uh, I know you always want to be on the cutting edge. 1023 00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:10,604 Check this out. 1024 00:37:11,188 --> 00:37:12,356 Polaroid. 1025 00:37:14,524 --> 00:37:15,525 Okay. 1026 00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:18,862 Uh, we can have the actors demo it live. 1027 00:37:19,029 --> 00:37:21,448 Write it into sketches, do live commercials. 1028 00:37:21,615 --> 00:37:23,033 Funny ones. The payout is bonkers. 1029 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:24,993 Dick, the cast didn't sign up to do live commercials. 1030 00:37:25,202 --> 00:37:26,203 Neither did I. 1031 00:37:26,370 --> 00:37:28,329 Some of the cast might find that very unseemly. 1032 00:37:28,330 --> 00:37:29,789 I completely understand. 1033 00:37:29,790 --> 00:37:31,791 But television's driven by advertising. 1034 00:37:31,792 --> 00:37:33,250 It's what makes the motor run. 1035 00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:34,585 It's really not a big deal at all. 1036 00:37:34,586 --> 00:37:36,253 Just please don't show this to the talent. 1037 00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:37,630 I don't want them thinking 1038 00:37:37,631 --> 00:37:38,924 they're back on the Kraft Macaroni Hour. 1039 00:37:39,675 --> 00:37:41,593 You know, what, are we going kayaking? What is this? 1040 00:37:42,302 --> 00:37:43,595 Lorne, we're over budget. 1041 00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:45,263 Dick, you don't need to tell me that. 1042 00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,681 Someone needs to tell you that. 1043 00:37:46,682 --> 00:37:48,015 We don't even know what the show is yet. 1044 00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:49,558 How could we possibly know the budget? 1045 00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:50,643 NEIL: That's true. That's a good point. 1046 00:37:50,644 --> 00:37:51,769 Neil, please. 1047 00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:53,270 If we don't know what the show is, 1048 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,815 Lorne, what the fuck are we doing here? 1049 00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:56,608 I know the ingredients. 1050 00:37:57,401 --> 00:37:58,442 Just not the amounts. 1051 00:37:58,443 --> 00:37:59,528 Lorne, what does that mean? 1052 00:37:59,695 --> 00:38:01,404 LORNE: We just have to make it to 11:30. 1053 00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:03,072 - [THUD, GROANS] - LORNE: Hey! 1054 00:38:03,073 --> 00:38:04,532 [GROANS] Ah! 1055 00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:05,784 LEO: Fuck! You fascist. 1056 00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:07,952 - You want to lose your job? - You want to lose your teeth? 1057 00:38:07,953 --> 00:38:09,662 I'm the producer of NBC'S Saturday Night 1058 00:38:09,663 --> 00:38:11,247 and you just hit a man with a Tony. 1059 00:38:11,248 --> 00:38:13,333 - I've hit plenty of Tony's. - All right. Hey, that's enough. 1060 00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:16,169 GUARD: Tell your friends, no deliveries after 6:00 p.m. 1061 00:38:16,420 --> 00:38:18,254 - LEO: Shove it up your ass. - GUARD: Fuck you. 1062 00:38:18,255 --> 00:38:19,714 LORNE: All right. Keep going with the bricks. 1063 00:38:19,715 --> 00:38:21,424 You took that punch like a champ. 1064 00:38:21,425 --> 00:38:22,842 I'm actually not sure you're supposed 1065 00:38:22,843 --> 00:38:24,343 to be pinching the bottom of the nostrils. 1066 00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:25,428 If you pinch a little higher... 1067 00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:28,515 Hey, guys, I'm so sorry. Am I missing something? 1068 00:38:28,682 --> 00:38:30,976 Why are we using real brick? Can't we just roll out linoleum? 1069 00:38:31,143 --> 00:38:33,853 - Hey! Fuck you! - Okay. Jesus. Just relax. 1070 00:38:33,854 --> 00:38:35,771 Dick, our vision for home base is a street corner... 1071 00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:37,732 with all the grit and texture of New York City. 1072 00:38:37,733 --> 00:38:39,900 Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna use real blood and vomit, too? 1073 00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:41,027 I'll give you some real fucking blood. 1074 00:38:41,028 --> 00:38:42,111 Hey, hey, whoa, no more fighting. 1075 00:38:42,112 --> 00:38:43,446 No more fighting. He doesn't know. 1076 00:38:43,447 --> 00:38:44,656 He doesn't know. It's okay. 1077 00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,660 Why are we stopping? 1078 00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:56,250 - Hello, everybody. - LORNE: Andy. 1079 00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:58,169 What are you... You can't keep wandering off like that. 1080 00:38:58,170 --> 00:38:59,712 I had to go to the bathroom. 1081 00:38:59,713 --> 00:39:00,963 That's very good. That's very good. 1082 00:39:00,964 --> 00:39:02,048 DICK: Lorne... 1083 00:39:02,049 --> 00:39:03,049 LORNE: Barbara, what time do you have? 1084 00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:04,634 Uh, 10:39. 1085 00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:06,178 - Lorne. - LORNE: Hmm? 1086 00:39:07,220 --> 00:39:08,221 The brick. 1087 00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:09,681 It's... 1088 00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:16,521 It's got its pockets out. It's workmanlike. 1089 00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:18,065 It's honest. 1090 00:39:18,231 --> 00:39:19,900 Dick, it's critical for the success of the show. 1091 00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:22,110 Okay, but what is the show? 1092 00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,785 I mean, honestly, Dick, if you don't know by now... 1093 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,622 DON: Chevy Chase. 1094 00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:35,874 Gilda Radner. 1095 00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:37,918 Dan Ayk-a... 1096 00:39:38,085 --> 00:39:40,087 How the fuck do you pronounce this? 1097 00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:41,254 Aykroyd. 1098 00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:42,672 Dan Aykroyd. 1099 00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:44,216 50 minutes, everybody! 1100 00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,093 DON: Laraine Newman. 1101 00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:47,677 You nervous? 1102 00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:50,138 Uh, no. No, not really. 1103 00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:51,973 I mean, I've only got a couple bits. 1104 00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,142 The jury thing and a TV host. 1105 00:39:55,060 --> 00:39:56,645 Uh-huh... [EXHALES] 1106 00:39:58,021 --> 00:40:02,025 Say, you ever wonder exactly what it is you are doing here? 1107 00:40:02,901 --> 00:40:04,778 Yeah, and I think I've got a pretty good idea. 1108 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:06,321 And what is that? 1109 00:40:06,905 --> 00:40:08,364 Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya, 1110 00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:10,992 I like to give 100% in everything I do. 1111 00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:14,579 And I like a dish soap that does that too. 1112 00:40:15,831 --> 00:40:18,834 So alive, so young, so alluring... 1113 00:40:19,376 --> 00:40:22,003 so exotic, so hypnotic... 1114 00:40:22,462 --> 00:40:23,713 so manipulative... 1115 00:40:24,047 --> 00:40:27,342 so sadistically abusive... 1116 00:40:27,509 --> 00:40:29,594 so cartoonishly abhorrent... 1117 00:40:30,095 --> 00:40:31,554 You see, when it comes to my skin 1118 00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,014 and my sensitive parts... 1119 00:40:33,223 --> 00:40:36,475 I only trust 100% American-made steel wool. 1120 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:38,478 - [COUGHS] - Strong enough for a man... 1121 00:40:38,645 --> 00:40:41,523 but whimsical and helpless enough for a woman. 1122 00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:43,900 And don't wait. Act now. 1123 00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:46,319 Act like your very life depends on it. 1124 00:40:46,486 --> 00:40:48,196 Act like your children's lives depend on it. 1125 00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:52,659 Act like the children in Africa's lives depend on it. 1126 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:56,537 - [LAUGHS] - Man, what the fuck 1127 00:40:56,538 --> 00:40:58,456 - was all of that? - That was my 20s, Garrett. 1128 00:40:58,623 --> 00:41:00,584 And that is exactly what I'm doing here. 1129 00:41:01,001 --> 00:41:02,002 Well, shit... 1130 00:41:02,169 --> 00:41:05,255 I'm just here to play the butler... 1131 00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:08,592 the shoeshine guy, and the pimp. 1132 00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:11,303 Think you seem a little nice for a pimp. 1133 00:41:12,012 --> 00:41:14,055 You're a little pretty for a comedienne. 1134 00:41:14,306 --> 00:41:16,098 Well, cheers to staying out of the spotlight. 1135 00:41:16,099 --> 00:41:17,057 - Hmm. - [LIGHT CRANKS] 1136 00:41:17,058 --> 00:41:21,479 DON: Ladies and gentlemen, your host, George Carlin! 1137 00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:23,940 You can't just let me come out from behind a goddamn curtain? 1138 00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:26,193 I have to descend like Norma fuckin' Desmond. 1139 00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:28,486 All right. Fuck you, everyone. 1140 00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:30,655 Fuck you, fuck you. 1141 00:41:30,822 --> 00:41:32,115 I've definitely fucked you. 1142 00:41:32,282 --> 00:41:33,742 - STAGEHAND 1: Fuck you. - Yeah. 1143 00:41:33,909 --> 00:41:35,827 - STAGEHAND 2: Fuck you. - Fuck all of you. 1144 00:41:35,994 --> 00:41:37,078 You have to distract her. 1145 00:41:37,245 --> 00:41:38,371 How? 1146 00:41:38,538 --> 00:41:39,873 With your sparkling wit. 1147 00:41:42,250 --> 00:41:43,334 Excuse me, miss. 1148 00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:45,212 Could you confirm that this is a normal deck of cards? 1149 00:41:45,378 --> 00:41:46,838 No marks, no folds, no blemishes? 1150 00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:49,965 - JOE: George! - Yeah. All right. [CLEARS THROAT] 1151 00:41:49,966 --> 00:41:52,135 Welcome to the show. I have some musics and laughs. 1152 00:41:52,302 --> 00:41:54,553 I plug the record, blah-blah-blah. 1153 00:41:54,554 --> 00:41:57,514 Regular old deck, 52 cards. I am going to make... 1154 00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:59,308 - JOE: George, keep going, please. - GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1155 00:41:59,309 --> 00:42:00,768 You ever look at the crowds in old movies 1156 00:42:00,769 --> 00:42:02,145 and wonder if they're dead yet? 1157 00:42:02,312 --> 00:42:03,437 MAN: Slow, slow, slow! 1158 00:42:03,438 --> 00:42:05,397 [CLATTERING] 1159 00:42:05,398 --> 00:42:07,525 Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? 1160 00:42:07,943 --> 00:42:09,402 JOE: And throw to Janis. 1161 00:42:09,819 --> 00:42:10,820 What? 1162 00:42:10,987 --> 00:42:13,323 Yeah, throw it to Janis. Introduce her, please. 1163 00:42:13,949 --> 00:42:15,992 - Keep going. - Ladies and gentlemen... 1164 00:42:16,159 --> 00:42:17,452 Janis Ian. 1165 00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:21,915 ♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪ 1166 00:42:22,082 --> 00:42:26,044 ♪ That love was meant For beauty queens ♪ 1167 00:42:27,128 --> 00:42:29,589 ♪ And high school girls With clear-skinned smiles ♪ 1168 00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:33,551 ♪ Who married young And then retired ♪ 1169 00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:36,388 - Mr. Carlin? - Yeah? 1170 00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,890 I am Joan Carbunkle, NBC standards. 1171 00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,725 - Oh, I didn't know they had any. - Joan, he's very busy. 1172 00:42:40,892 --> 00:42:42,269 Just please share your concerns with me, all right? 1173 00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,645 No, no, no. I'd like to hear her concerns personally, 1174 00:42:44,646 --> 00:42:45,730 if you don't mind. 1175 00:42:45,897 --> 00:42:47,565 I know you have a propensity for the obscene... 1176 00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:50,402 and a lurid interest in colorful language. 1177 00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:51,903 - Thank you very much. - Mr. Carlin... 1178 00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:53,363 you'll be happy to know that there is... 1179 00:42:54,489 --> 00:42:56,283 one delay button... 1180 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:58,868 and my finger is on it. 1181 00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,581 I'm surprised you even found the button... 1182 00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:05,208 let alone touched it. 1183 00:43:07,544 --> 00:43:09,045 Is this your eight of diamonds? 1184 00:43:10,547 --> 00:43:13,758 ♪ Who called to say come dance with me ♪ 1185 00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:16,511 Are you gonna help? 1186 00:43:16,678 --> 00:43:19,848 I really wish we could, but, uh, we don't do bricks. 1187 00:43:20,015 --> 00:43:21,474 What guild is it that does the bricks? 1188 00:43:21,641 --> 00:43:22,934 Is that 422? 1189 00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:25,020 No, that's carpenters. How about 303? 1190 00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,564 - Nah, that's the pipefitters. - [LAUGHTER] 1191 00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:30,191 I don't know why you're laying brick. 1192 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:31,943 You're gonna be gone in two weeks. 1193 00:43:32,110 --> 00:43:35,488 ♪ A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs ♪ 1194 00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:37,949 So, it's gonna be like one of those 1950s safari flicks. 1195 00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:39,743 You know, the ones with Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward. 1196 00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:41,494 That's a prop. 1197 00:43:44,164 --> 00:43:46,290 So, I want you to take this bowl of potato chips here. 1198 00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:47,458 - Me? - Yes, you. 1199 00:43:47,459 --> 00:43:48,585 I want you to reach into them. 1200 00:43:48,752 --> 00:43:49,752 Every time I take a step, 1201 00:43:49,753 --> 00:43:50,878 give 'em a little crunch, all right? 1202 00:43:50,879 --> 00:43:52,756 It's like we're in the safari. Ready? 1203 00:43:53,131 --> 00:43:54,215 Give it a try. 1204 00:43:54,883 --> 00:43:55,759 [CRUNCH] 1205 00:43:56,968 --> 00:43:58,177 [VALRI GIGGLES] 1206 00:43:58,178 --> 00:44:00,055 - [CRUNCH] - Early. 1207 00:44:00,221 --> 00:44:02,015 I just got this job. 1208 00:44:02,349 --> 00:44:04,142 - [CRUNCH] - Now we're getting it. 1209 00:44:04,351 --> 00:44:05,601 [CRUNCHING] 1210 00:44:05,602 --> 00:44:08,187 [CHUCKLING] You piece of shit. 1211 00:44:08,188 --> 00:44:10,315 That was nice. Not bad. 1212 00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:11,733 [CRUNCH] 1213 00:44:12,692 --> 00:44:13,526 [CRUNCH] 1214 00:44:14,819 --> 00:44:16,278 [CLICKS TONGUE] 1215 00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:17,697 ANDY: Caw! Caw! 1216 00:44:17,989 --> 00:44:19,240 Don't shoot me. 1217 00:44:20,075 --> 00:44:22,118 - [ANDY CAWING] - [VALRI CHUCKLING] 1218 00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:23,952 BILLY: I know that noise. 1219 00:44:23,953 --> 00:44:25,037 [ANDY IMITATING MONKEY] 1220 00:44:25,038 --> 00:44:27,040 That's a monkey being run over by the C-train. 1221 00:44:28,708 --> 00:44:30,085 My archnemesis. 1222 00:44:30,377 --> 00:44:31,503 Here he comes. 1223 00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:40,053 There's no way they're gonna fit all that show. 1224 00:44:41,638 --> 00:44:42,639 You think? 1225 00:44:43,848 --> 00:44:45,850 Yeah, something's got to go. Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes? 1226 00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:47,060 LORNE: You're doing great, Billy. 1227 00:44:47,227 --> 00:44:48,978 - VALRI: That was weird. - Yep. We're fucked. 1228 00:44:55,735 --> 00:44:57,445 [SNIFFING] 1229 00:45:00,156 --> 00:45:02,992 Excuse me, "ociffer," have I done somethin' wrong? 1230 00:45:03,952 --> 00:45:05,787 What do we have here? 1231 00:45:05,954 --> 00:45:08,373 Why, that would be my ass. 1232 00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:13,753 Mmm-hmm. Billy Preston's band hooked it up. 1233 00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,505 Medical grade, baby. 1234 00:45:15,672 --> 00:45:17,799 Floats in the bottle and then you... 1235 00:45:18,258 --> 00:45:19,259 [INHALES DEEPLY] 1236 00:45:21,344 --> 00:45:22,345 Checks out. 1237 00:45:22,971 --> 00:45:24,139 Medical grade. 1238 00:45:25,014 --> 00:45:25,848 Uh... 1239 00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:27,642 So, tell me how you fit into this ensemble. 1240 00:45:27,976 --> 00:45:29,435 Is this an ensemble? 1241 00:45:29,436 --> 00:45:32,856 Uh, no, we have many talented, talented improvisers... 1242 00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,899 from Chicago and Toronto and... 1243 00:45:35,066 --> 00:45:36,067 And Boston. 1244 00:45:36,234 --> 00:45:38,403 And Boston. Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston. 1245 00:45:38,570 --> 00:45:39,571 - [SNIFFS] - You've met my fiancée? 1246 00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:41,197 Missed a little there. 1247 00:45:42,365 --> 00:45:43,491 But to answer your question... 1248 00:45:43,658 --> 00:45:44,616 LORNE: While I've got you captive. 1249 00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:45,702 They want to shave me. 1250 00:45:45,869 --> 00:45:47,704 Careful. There's no jaw under that beard, 1251 00:45:47,871 --> 00:45:48,955 just 10 pounds of neck. 1252 00:45:49,122 --> 00:45:50,289 LORNE: Chevy. 1253 00:45:50,290 --> 00:45:51,957 [CLATTER, CRASH] 1254 00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:55,003 Jesus Christ, you psycho, you son of a bitch! 1255 00:45:55,378 --> 00:45:57,087 JOHN: Shove it up your fucking ass! 1256 00:45:57,088 --> 00:45:58,505 - [CLAMORING] - [THUD] 1257 00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,758 Hey, hey, hey, stop right now! 1258 00:46:01,634 --> 00:46:04,846 LORNE: Guys! Goddamn it! Stop! Stop! Chevy, out! 1259 00:46:05,013 --> 00:46:06,973 - Don't feed coke to the animals! - LORNE: Out! Chev! 1260 00:46:08,308 --> 00:46:10,185 WOMAN: Take a seat. 1261 00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:12,770 Yeah. 1262 00:46:12,937 --> 00:46:14,314 ROSIE: You okay, John? 1263 00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:15,523 So, we're throwing things now? 1264 00:46:15,690 --> 00:46:16,858 He started it. 1265 00:46:17,317 --> 00:46:18,526 ROSIE: It's just a shave, John. 1266 00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,195 So, NBC owns my fucking face? 1267 00:46:20,361 --> 00:46:21,404 - No. - Yeah, a little bit. 1268 00:46:21,571 --> 00:46:23,281 But would Jimi Hendrix play in mittens? 1269 00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:24,616 That's a good point. 1270 00:46:25,825 --> 00:46:28,076 John, you're going to go down as one of the giants 1271 00:46:28,077 --> 00:46:29,244 of character expressionism... 1272 00:46:29,245 --> 00:46:30,788 from Chaplin to Brando. 1273 00:46:30,955 --> 00:46:31,956 Belushi... 1274 00:46:32,373 --> 00:46:33,374 Why hide your gift? 1275 00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:35,001 Beards are for pussies. 1276 00:46:36,419 --> 00:46:37,629 And the bees are bullshit. 1277 00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:38,963 You think I don't know that? Of course, they are. 1278 00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:40,798 They're stupid, they're postmodern... 1279 00:46:40,965 --> 00:46:43,301 they're Warhol, they're iconic, they're Sergeant Pepper. 1280 00:46:43,468 --> 00:46:45,136 - ROSIE: So well said. - LORNE: I'm glad you get it. 1281 00:46:46,304 --> 00:46:47,305 John... 1282 00:46:47,472 --> 00:46:48,723 we go live in less than an hour. 1283 00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:50,099 45 minutes. 1284 00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:55,939 I need you to sign your contract. 1285 00:46:59,317 --> 00:47:00,485 [SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] 1286 00:47:02,904 --> 00:47:04,238 [MIC FEEDBACK] 1287 00:47:04,239 --> 00:47:05,489 Oh, yeah. 1288 00:47:05,490 --> 00:47:06,698 [MUSIC STOPS] 1289 00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:07,784 What? 1290 00:47:07,951 --> 00:47:08,952 What's happening? 1291 00:47:09,369 --> 00:47:10,620 What happened to the music? 1292 00:47:11,829 --> 00:47:13,581 Hey! Why did you stop playing? 1293 00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:15,083 The speakers went out. 1294 00:47:15,458 --> 00:47:16,459 - All of them? - All of them. 1295 00:47:16,626 --> 00:47:18,294 What the hell is happening? What... Dick? 1296 00:47:18,461 --> 00:47:20,338 I'm on with the outfit that supplied speakers at... 1297 00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:21,506 - Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza. - Toscanini! 1298 00:47:21,673 --> 00:47:23,841 Height of audio fidelity! What can we be doing? 1299 00:47:24,008 --> 00:47:25,343 ROSIE: Yeah, what can we be doing? 1300 00:47:25,510 --> 00:47:26,719 We got no sound. 1301 00:47:26,886 --> 00:47:29,722 Idiot on the light board, and we go live in 45. 1302 00:47:30,139 --> 00:47:31,432 What do you want to rehearse? 1303 00:47:32,559 --> 00:47:33,393 Uh... 1304 00:47:34,477 --> 00:47:35,561 We could pull up... 1305 00:47:35,562 --> 00:47:36,645 Weekend Update? 1306 00:47:36,646 --> 00:47:38,313 Do you want to do Weekend Update? Yeah. 1307 00:47:38,314 --> 00:47:40,149 All right, everyone, we're moving to Weekend Update. 1308 00:47:40,316 --> 00:47:42,652 - Okay, great, great. - Don, stand by for your intro. 1309 00:47:44,237 --> 00:47:45,988 Here we go. Move it, people. 1310 00:47:45,989 --> 00:47:47,740 [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1311 00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,001 JOE: Let's go. Let's go. 1312 00:47:58,501 --> 00:47:59,501 LORNE: I'm good. Fine. 1313 00:47:59,502 --> 00:48:00,628 [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] 1314 00:48:03,006 --> 00:48:06,259 DON: From Saturday Night News headquarters. 1315 00:48:06,426 --> 00:48:08,344 This is Weekend Update... 1316 00:48:08,511 --> 00:48:10,470 with Lorne Michaels. 1317 00:48:10,471 --> 00:48:12,097 - [MUSIC STOPS] - [EXHALES] 1318 00:48:12,098 --> 00:48:13,266 [CLEARS THROAT] 1319 00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:19,981 LORNE: Our top story tonight... 1320 00:48:20,148 --> 00:48:21,190 some world news. 1321 00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:23,567 Japanese Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse 1322 00:48:23,568 --> 00:48:24,986 at Disneyland this week. 1323 00:48:25,153 --> 00:48:28,239 The emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch. 1324 00:48:29,449 --> 00:48:30,283 [GROANS] 1325 00:48:32,035 --> 00:48:32,993 [CHUCKLES] 1326 00:48:32,994 --> 00:48:34,078 LORNE: How was that? 1327 00:48:34,245 --> 00:48:35,330 It was horrible. 1328 00:48:36,289 --> 00:48:37,832 Right. Um... 1329 00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:42,587 And now with a weather report... 1330 00:48:42,754 --> 00:48:45,965 we turn it over to meteorologist John Belushi. 1331 00:48:46,132 --> 00:48:47,759 What's it looking like out there, John? 1332 00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:49,217 Thank you, Lorne. 1333 00:48:49,218 --> 00:48:50,469 It's often said, 1334 00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:53,681 "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." 1335 00:48:53,890 --> 00:48:56,434 But did you know March behaves differently in other countries? 1336 00:48:57,018 --> 00:48:58,310 In Norway, for example, 1337 00:48:58,311 --> 00:49:01,230 March comes in like a polar bear and goes out like a walrus. 1338 00:49:01,648 --> 00:49:03,608 Or consider the Republic of South Africa... 1339 00:49:03,775 --> 00:49:05,233 where March comes in like a lion 1340 00:49:05,234 --> 00:49:06,569 and goes out like a different lion. 1341 00:49:06,736 --> 00:49:08,153 - [ALL CHUCKLING] - Like one has a mane 1342 00:49:08,154 --> 00:49:10,281 and the other doesn't have a mane. 1343 00:49:10,448 --> 00:49:13,242 And there's a country where March hops in like a kangaroo... 1344 00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:14,911 and stays a kangaroo for a while. 1345 00:49:15,078 --> 00:49:16,120 Australia. 1346 00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:18,122 JOHN: Then for a couple of days, it's sort of a cross between... 1347 00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:20,375 a frilled lizard and a common house cat. 1348 00:49:20,792 --> 00:49:23,211 Then it changes back into a smaller kangaroo... 1349 00:49:23,378 --> 00:49:25,505 and then it goes out like a wild dingo! 1350 00:49:25,755 --> 00:49:27,298 JOHN: No, no, and it's not Australia! 1351 00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:29,634 You'd think it'd be Australia, but it's not! 1352 00:49:29,801 --> 00:49:30,926 - Oh! - [LAUGHTER] 1353 00:49:30,927 --> 00:49:32,844 And there are nine different countries... 1354 00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:34,471 where March comes in like a frog 1355 00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:36,348 and goes out like a golden retriever. 1356 00:49:36,349 --> 00:49:38,142 But that's not the weird part. No, no, no. 1357 00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:40,478 The weird part is the frog. The frog. 1358 00:49:40,645 --> 00:49:41,770 The weird part is the... 1359 00:49:41,771 --> 00:49:43,313 - [IMITATES FROG] - [THUD] 1360 00:49:43,314 --> 00:49:46,692 [LAUGHTER] Okay. 1361 00:49:46,693 --> 00:49:47,776 [ALL APPLAUDING] 1362 00:49:47,777 --> 00:49:48,860 LORNE: John. 1363 00:49:48,861 --> 00:49:50,237 [GROANS] 1364 00:49:50,238 --> 00:49:51,948 Are you all right? Are you okay? 1365 00:49:52,365 --> 00:49:53,366 I give in. 1366 00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:54,867 That was brilliant. 1367 00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:57,078 Now I need you to sign your contract. 1368 00:49:59,247 --> 00:50:00,081 [MUMBLES] 1369 00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:01,958 - Was that a yes? - That was a yes. 1370 00:50:02,125 --> 00:50:03,668 - Was that a yes? Okay. - That was a yes. 1371 00:50:03,835 --> 00:50:05,128 - Neil, can I get the contract? - NEIL: Yeah. 1372 00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,046 - Okay. Do you have a pen? - NEIL: Uh... 1373 00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:09,172 BARBARA: Lorne, Lorne, Lorne, 1374 00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:11,175 there's a call from Burbank waiting in your office. 1375 00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:13,219 Burbank? 1376 00:50:13,386 --> 00:50:14,387 Carson. 1377 00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:16,597 Uh, okay. Um, Someone get him a pen. 1378 00:50:16,764 --> 00:50:18,181 Don't let him use it as a straw. 1379 00:50:18,182 --> 00:50:21,144 Uh, rehearse something. Anything. 1380 00:50:21,310 --> 00:50:23,438 All right, Bee Hospital stage left. 1381 00:50:23,604 --> 00:50:25,148 Let's go. We're moving. Here we go. 1382 00:50:26,232 --> 00:50:27,859 - Great work, guys. - JIM: Excuse me. 1383 00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:29,985 Hey, Mr. Michaels. 1384 00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,236 - Oh, Mr. Henson. - Hey. 1385 00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:33,530 I'm excited to see what you and your merry band of creatures 1386 00:50:33,531 --> 00:50:34,948 have in store for us tonight. 1387 00:50:34,949 --> 00:50:37,451 Well, Lorne, we don't have any script pages yet... 1388 00:50:37,452 --> 00:50:40,245 so, the Muppets are flyin' blind here. 1389 00:50:40,246 --> 00:50:41,663 Well, this is the first I'm hearing of it. 1390 00:50:41,664 --> 00:50:42,956 Neil, Jim needs his pages. 1391 00:50:42,957 --> 00:50:45,084 Thank you. Thank you. And please, sorry, Lorne... 1392 00:50:46,002 --> 00:50:48,045 can you please remind your crew... 1393 00:50:48,212 --> 00:50:51,841 not to leave the Muppets in compromising positions? 1394 00:50:53,301 --> 00:50:54,802 That doesn't sound like them. 1395 00:50:55,178 --> 00:50:57,263 Well, they left a note. 1396 00:50:58,014 --> 00:50:59,015 They didn't. 1397 00:50:59,182 --> 00:51:00,183 They did. 1398 00:51:00,767 --> 00:51:01,768 It said... 1399 00:51:04,479 --> 00:51:06,647 "Fuck-Rags for rent." 1400 00:51:07,690 --> 00:51:09,066 - Mmm... - Okay? 1401 00:51:09,233 --> 00:51:10,902 I know what that means, so... 1402 00:51:11,944 --> 00:51:13,613 I'll talk to Michael. Immediately. 1403 00:51:13,780 --> 00:51:14,864 Thank you. 1404 00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:16,949 [LAUGHS] 1405 00:51:17,617 --> 00:51:18,618 All right. Thank you. 1406 00:51:19,535 --> 00:51:20,744 LORNE: Oh. Hey, Bernie. 1407 00:51:20,745 --> 00:51:22,163 Oh, no, you're good. 1408 00:51:22,872 --> 00:51:24,040 [EXHALES] 1409 00:51:28,044 --> 00:51:29,295 Hello, this is Lorne. 1410 00:51:29,587 --> 00:51:31,923 JOHNNY: I was beginning to think you didn't like me. 1411 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:33,340 Of course not, Mr. Carson. 1412 00:51:33,341 --> 00:51:35,134 You're the voice of a generation. 1413 00:51:35,301 --> 00:51:37,427 JOHNNY: I just wanted to reach out and say, 1414 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:38,638 "Good luck tonight." 1415 00:51:38,805 --> 00:51:40,014 LORNE: Oh, that's very kind. 1416 00:51:40,181 --> 00:51:41,849 JOHNNY: And also, I suppose I wanted to make sure... 1417 00:51:42,016 --> 00:51:44,852 we don't end up stepping on each other's dicks. 1418 00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:46,019 Right. 1419 00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:47,270 JOHNNY: You know how this all started, don't you? 1420 00:51:47,271 --> 00:51:48,356 Just sign it, John. 1421 00:51:49,232 --> 00:51:50,441 Just sign it, John. 1422 00:51:50,608 --> 00:51:52,151 With a kite and a key, I'm sure. 1423 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:53,820 JOHNNY: Don't be a dipshit for a second, kid. 1424 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,529 I'm sure you've heard by now 1425 00:51:55,530 --> 00:51:57,532 that Mommy and Daddy are fighting... 1426 00:51:57,698 --> 00:52:00,450 and that's why you got the house to yourself tonight. 1427 00:52:00,451 --> 00:52:01,910 Frankly, it's the only reason 1428 00:52:01,911 --> 00:52:04,664 they ever greenlight your little talent show. 1429 00:52:05,373 --> 00:52:07,333 Look, these things always go the same way. 1430 00:52:07,667 --> 00:52:09,919 First, they try to fuck you, and then they buy you dinner. 1431 00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:12,254 I'm not opposed to Saturday Night... 1432 00:52:12,255 --> 00:52:13,672 even if it is a dumping ground... 1433 00:52:13,673 --> 00:52:14,756 No. No. 1434 00:52:14,757 --> 00:52:16,550 ...for the deadbeats and bagheads. 1435 00:52:16,551 --> 00:52:17,467 Dick, no. 1436 00:52:17,468 --> 00:52:18,385 JOHNNY: In the meantime, you get to... 1437 00:52:18,386 --> 00:52:19,719 play dress-up on national television. 1438 00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:20,846 LORNE: Don't let him hold the camera. 1439 00:52:20,847 --> 00:52:21,931 JOHNNY: Good for you. 1440 00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:24,058 So, here's some friendly advice. 1441 00:52:24,892 --> 00:52:26,185 Enjoy your little show... 1442 00:52:26,352 --> 00:52:27,895 but don't get too comfortable. 1443 00:52:28,563 --> 00:52:30,731 You're a benchwarmer, a stalking horse. 1444 00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:33,651 It's my fucking network. It's my fucking night. 1445 00:52:34,569 --> 00:52:35,945 - [CRASH] - No hard feelings, though. 1446 00:52:36,112 --> 00:52:38,114 JOHN: Fuck the bees and fuck this show! 1447 00:52:38,281 --> 00:52:39,866 JOE: John. Hey, where are you going? 1448 00:52:40,032 --> 00:52:41,409 I go where I'm kicked! 1449 00:52:41,784 --> 00:52:43,744 JOHNNY: Heard you are a halfway decent writer. 1450 00:52:44,662 --> 00:52:46,163 Send me some samples sometime. 1451 00:52:46,330 --> 00:52:47,790 We're always looking for a bunch of 'em. 1452 00:52:48,666 --> 00:52:49,749 [RECEIVER CLANGS] 1453 00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:50,918 How'd the call go? 1454 00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:52,420 Tremendous. Thank you for asking. 1455 00:52:52,587 --> 00:52:54,422 - Great. - Belushi walked. 1456 00:52:54,589 --> 00:52:56,465 - What? He quit? - No, well, technically... 1457 00:52:56,632 --> 00:52:58,426 he would need a fucking job to quit! But, yes, he walked. 1458 00:52:58,593 --> 00:53:00,052 We need to find him. I'll take the eighth floor. 1459 00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:01,637 - You take the ninth, okay? - Uh. Oh... 1460 00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,014 Okay. 1461 00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:05,682 Uh, hey, have you seen John Belushi? 1462 00:53:05,683 --> 00:53:06,767 No. 1463 00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:09,604 There's a reason they call it master control. 1464 00:53:09,770 --> 00:53:10,771 NEIL: Sorry, Jim, have you seen John Belushi? 1465 00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:13,232 You want to hand the airwaves over to that maniac? 1466 00:53:13,399 --> 00:53:15,818 - Have you seen Belushi? - I'm not an animal wrangler. 1467 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:17,361 Belushi? Belushi? 1468 00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:18,696 - Belushi? - Belushi? 1469 00:53:18,863 --> 00:53:20,197 - AL: Belushi? - Belushi? 1470 00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:23,075 Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi? John? 1471 00:53:28,331 --> 00:53:29,581 Hey, guys, sorry to bother you. 1472 00:53:29,582 --> 00:53:31,417 Have you seen John Belushi anywhere? 1473 00:53:31,584 --> 00:53:34,085 Oh. Yeah, sure. He was hangin' out with us yesterday. 1474 00:53:34,086 --> 00:53:35,254 Right, Howard? 1475 00:53:35,421 --> 00:53:36,923 No, sorry. I meant in the last few minutes. 1476 00:53:37,089 --> 00:53:38,257 - Did he... - Oh, no. 1477 00:53:39,467 --> 00:53:41,177 Well, you seem stressed. You okay, buddy? 1478 00:53:41,344 --> 00:53:43,262 - Yeah, I'm okay. - You need a hit? 1479 00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:46,973 Uh, oh! No, no, no, that's fine. That's okay. 1480 00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:48,016 PAUL: Oh. 1481 00:53:48,017 --> 00:53:49,185 I think it'd help. 1482 00:53:50,561 --> 00:53:51,562 That makes sense. 1483 00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:55,274 PAUL: There we go. 1484 00:53:58,110 --> 00:53:59,820 Oh, look at him. 1485 00:53:59,987 --> 00:54:01,864 Attaboy. 1486 00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:03,824 Good luck on your quest, amigo. 1487 00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:07,202 [COUGHS] 1488 00:54:07,203 --> 00:54:09,080 Have you seen John Belushi? 1489 00:54:09,789 --> 00:54:10,957 Have you guys seen John? 1490 00:54:11,123 --> 00:54:13,626 Neil, who do you think I am? 1491 00:54:14,335 --> 00:54:15,628 Human bumblebee. 1492 00:54:15,795 --> 00:54:17,171 No, man. I am talking about... 1493 00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:20,341 what is my identity on the show? 1494 00:54:20,508 --> 00:54:21,926 Don't ask me that right now. 1495 00:54:22,843 --> 00:54:25,221 I can't answer that right now. Oh. 1496 00:54:28,975 --> 00:54:31,227 - Oh. - What the hell are you doing? 1497 00:54:34,313 --> 00:54:36,232 - Thank you. - [ICE CUBES CLINKING] 1498 00:54:39,860 --> 00:54:41,112 Has anybody seen John? 1499 00:54:41,278 --> 00:54:43,280 - I'm John. - JOHN 2: I'm John. 1500 00:54:43,447 --> 00:54:44,448 - No. No. - JOHN 3: I'm John. 1501 00:54:44,615 --> 00:54:46,283 - [ECHOING] I'm John. - No. No. 1502 00:54:46,450 --> 00:54:48,202 - I'm John. - I'm John. 1503 00:54:48,369 --> 00:54:49,370 Hold this, please. 1504 00:54:50,329 --> 00:54:52,956 [VOICES ECHOING] 1505 00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:54,040 One of them is mine. 1506 00:54:54,041 --> 00:54:55,208 Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi? 1507 00:54:55,209 --> 00:54:56,918 Hey, you're... Kid, why are you holding your face like that? 1508 00:54:56,919 --> 00:54:58,503 - Why are you shouting? - Sweetie, are you okay? 1509 00:54:58,504 --> 00:55:01,632 I don't know. I can hear my own blood. 1510 00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,551 Am I gonna be okay? 1511 00:55:03,718 --> 00:55:05,720 Don't ask her. She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid. 1512 00:55:05,886 --> 00:55:07,346 I know that! 1513 00:55:07,847 --> 00:55:09,640 - Look, should I be worried? - About Neil? 1514 00:55:09,807 --> 00:55:11,142 No. Fuck Neil. About my act. 1515 00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:13,352 I can't get a straight answer out of Lorne. 1516 00:55:13,519 --> 00:55:15,855 Billy, you're family. 1517 00:55:17,189 --> 00:55:18,274 - Neil... - Neil... 1518 00:55:21,944 --> 00:55:23,571 MAN: This week on The Rumpus Hour. 1519 00:55:23,738 --> 00:55:25,113 Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1520 00:55:25,114 --> 00:55:27,240 Shields and Yarnell, the Domingo Brothers... 1521 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,868 and your favorite juggling barbershop quartet, 1522 00:55:29,869 --> 00:55:31,202 Macho Quatro. 1523 00:55:31,203 --> 00:55:33,748 {\an8}Lorne. You know Milton Berle? 1524 00:55:33,914 --> 00:55:36,625 Absolutely. Big fan. I grew up on your work. 1525 00:55:36,792 --> 00:55:38,335 Who didn't? Hear it's your big night. 1526 00:55:38,502 --> 00:55:40,588 Planning on it. How's it all coming? 1527 00:55:41,297 --> 00:55:42,757 Just perfect. 1528 00:55:42,923 --> 00:55:44,633 - You never hear that. - You certainly don't. 1529 00:55:45,885 --> 00:55:48,596 Yep. Being here must bring back all kinds of memories, I'm sure. 1530 00:55:48,763 --> 00:55:49,930 Sure, sure. Yeah. 1531 00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:52,141 Used to call this the RCA Radio Tower. 1532 00:55:52,308 --> 00:55:53,933 Radio, that wonderful invention 1533 00:55:53,934 --> 00:55:55,603 by which I could reach a million people. 1534 00:55:55,770 --> 00:55:57,521 Who fortunately couldn't reach me. 1535 00:55:57,688 --> 00:56:01,859 You know, Milt's TV show once pulled a 97 share. 1536 00:56:02,026 --> 00:56:06,322 97% of the American audience was watching Uncle Miltie. 1537 00:56:06,489 --> 00:56:08,491 Do you ever miss being Mr. Television? 1538 00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:11,243 What is he talking about? 1539 00:56:11,410 --> 00:56:12,411 Lorne... 1540 00:56:12,578 --> 00:56:14,954 Milton remains one of the Peacock's 1541 00:56:14,955 --> 00:56:16,582 most colorful feathers. 1542 00:56:16,749 --> 00:56:18,375 - It's quite a feather. - Of course, of course. 1543 00:56:18,542 --> 00:56:20,586 And I'm looking forward to hosting your show. 1544 00:56:21,295 --> 00:56:23,089 Well, we'd be honored. 1545 00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,091 I think there's still so many decisions we'd have to make. 1546 00:56:25,257 --> 00:56:26,383 MILTON: I'm hearing episode five. 1547 00:56:26,550 --> 00:56:29,637 TEBET: The boys upstairs love it and the affiliates ate it up. 1548 00:56:29,804 --> 00:56:30,971 MILTON: Well, they're the real boss. 1549 00:56:31,138 --> 00:56:32,931 LORNE: Right. Well, it is a late show. 1550 00:56:32,932 --> 00:56:34,350 Are you suited for midnight? 1551 00:56:34,809 --> 00:56:38,312 [CHUCKLES] At 67, I still feel like a 20-year-old. 1552 00:56:38,479 --> 00:56:40,396 Unfortunately, there's never one around. 1553 00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,066 [CHUCKLES] Your reputation precedes you. 1554 00:56:42,233 --> 00:56:44,944 Yeah, by about 11 inches. Excuse me a second. 1555 00:56:47,488 --> 00:56:49,156 Any sign of Belushi? 1556 00:56:49,782 --> 00:56:50,825 John? 1557 00:56:50,991 --> 00:56:52,409 I believe he's in wardrobe. Why? 1558 00:56:52,576 --> 00:56:54,620 Legal is frantic for his paperwork. 1559 00:56:54,787 --> 00:56:55,913 That's strange. I'll look into it. 1560 00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:57,540 Lorne, I can only imagine... 1561 00:56:57,706 --> 00:56:59,291 what must be running through your mind. 1562 00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:01,794 The thought, no matter how improbable... 1563 00:57:01,961 --> 00:57:03,629 that you might not make it to air. 1564 00:57:03,796 --> 00:57:05,631 - Hadn't even occurred to me. - Really? 1565 00:57:05,798 --> 00:57:08,843 I heard that you were having some technical difficulties. 1566 00:57:09,009 --> 00:57:10,010 None that I know of. 1567 00:57:10,511 --> 00:57:11,512 What the fuck? 1568 00:57:11,679 --> 00:57:12,763 I just heard that... 1569 00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:14,515 your writers were stoned... 1570 00:57:14,682 --> 00:57:16,684 your actors were physically assaulting each other. 1571 00:57:17,685 --> 00:57:18,769 The sound system was down. 1572 00:57:18,936 --> 00:57:20,062 What the hell is happening? What... 1573 00:57:20,229 --> 00:57:21,563 And a fire broke out earlier. 1574 00:57:21,564 --> 00:57:22,690 - [CRACKLES] - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] 1575 00:57:24,900 --> 00:57:27,611 I've been doing this job a long time. I've seen it all. 1576 00:57:29,572 --> 00:57:31,782 I'm sure you have it all under control. 1577 00:57:33,367 --> 00:57:35,161 Minor issues, already addressed. 1578 00:57:35,703 --> 00:57:36,704 That's reassuring. 1579 00:57:36,871 --> 00:57:39,165 This whole conversation is a soothing shower of relief. 1580 00:57:39,331 --> 00:57:41,000 Hey, good, good. Look. 1581 00:57:41,167 --> 00:57:43,586 If for some reason you can't lock your script... 1582 00:57:44,587 --> 00:57:47,423 or commit your cast to legally binding contracts... 1583 00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:48,841 rest assured... 1584 00:57:49,341 --> 00:57:52,178 the country will be happy to watch Johnny Carson. 1585 00:57:53,554 --> 00:57:56,056 Well, we could always play the tape of dress rehearsal. 1586 00:57:56,223 --> 00:57:57,892 Worst-case scenario. 1587 00:57:59,143 --> 00:58:00,561 That's not the worst case. 1588 00:58:01,854 --> 00:58:02,980 [KNOCKS] 1589 00:58:17,119 --> 00:58:19,163 VALRI: Fuck me. That's a lot of cards. 1590 00:58:19,747 --> 00:58:21,874 Yeah. What's the fastest you can do your set? Top to bottom. 1591 00:58:22,041 --> 00:58:23,209 - Five minutes. - Yeah, me too. 1592 00:58:23,375 --> 00:58:24,835 - Could you do it in four? - Probably. 1593 00:58:25,002 --> 00:58:26,003 Yeah, me too. 1594 00:58:27,796 --> 00:58:29,548 So, look, they're gonna offer us three... 1595 00:58:30,132 --> 00:58:31,717 but we got to draw the line at four. All right? 1596 00:58:32,468 --> 00:58:34,595 Okay. I want to do the show. 1597 00:58:34,762 --> 00:58:36,555 Yeah, we're doing the show. We just can't get jerked around. 1598 00:58:36,722 --> 00:58:37,723 - That's all. - But we're doing the show? 1599 00:58:37,890 --> 00:58:39,349 Of course, we're doing the show. We just got to be 1600 00:58:39,350 --> 00:58:40,976 - in this together. - Okay. 1601 00:58:42,645 --> 00:58:43,771 JANE: Neil, sweetie. 1602 00:58:43,938 --> 00:58:45,564 - Is everything okay in there? - LARAINE: Hello? 1603 00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:47,983 Special delivery for Neil Levy. Flowers. 1604 00:58:48,150 --> 00:58:49,401 - Candygram. - DAN: What's with the convention? 1605 00:58:49,568 --> 00:58:51,153 Neil, it's your mother. Open the door! 1606 00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,697 BILLY: Don't say that. He's gonna believe you if you say that. 1607 00:58:53,864 --> 00:58:56,242 Hey, Neil. Buddy. You freaking out in there? 1608 00:58:56,408 --> 00:58:58,452 NEIL: I took a hit in the departure lounge. 1609 00:58:58,619 --> 00:59:00,246 All right. Whose grass was it? 1610 00:59:00,412 --> 00:59:01,830 NEIL: One of the horn players. 1611 00:59:01,997 --> 00:59:03,082 Oh, degenerates. 1612 00:59:03,249 --> 00:59:04,916 That's a potent dragon you're riding there, kid. 1613 00:59:04,917 --> 00:59:06,626 What you smoked was a sacred strain from... 1614 00:59:06,627 --> 00:59:08,127 the Isaan plateau in Thailand, I believe. 1615 00:59:08,128 --> 00:59:09,212 The best plateau. 1616 00:59:09,213 --> 00:59:10,296 Make no mistake about it, 1617 00:59:10,297 --> 00:59:12,006 that stick's probably stronger than a bull elephant. 1618 00:59:12,007 --> 00:59:14,467 But, listen, we're all a little freaked out so... 1619 00:59:14,468 --> 00:59:15,593 - BILLY: I'm freaked out. - Why don't you come out... 1620 00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:17,053 and we can check on your face... 1621 00:59:17,054 --> 00:59:18,304 make sure it's not inside out, okay? 1622 00:59:18,305 --> 00:59:19,931 - LARAINE: Come on, Neil. - Show us your face, Neil! 1623 00:59:19,932 --> 00:59:21,307 Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of. 1624 00:59:21,308 --> 00:59:23,185 - Come on. - Come on out, Neil. 1625 00:59:24,478 --> 00:59:26,230 - Oh, God! - [LAUGHTER] 1626 00:59:26,897 --> 00:59:28,773 No. I'm just kidding. Look. You're gonna be fine. 1627 00:59:28,774 --> 00:59:30,108 We'll fix you up with some amphetamines. 1628 00:59:30,109 --> 00:59:31,192 You'll be fit as a flea. 1629 00:59:31,193 --> 00:59:33,027 You might even like the stuff. Cocaine. 1630 00:59:33,028 --> 00:59:34,404 Robert Louis Stevenson actually did 1631 00:59:34,405 --> 00:59:35,571 some of his best writing on the nose candy. 1632 00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:37,408 - Oh, Bobby. - Not a lot of people know that. 1633 00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:38,741 Yeah, he was a big freak... 1634 00:59:38,742 --> 00:59:39,826 - for the Peruvian Lady. - BARBARA: Hey! 1635 00:59:39,827 --> 00:59:40,910 We need everyone in togas! 1636 00:59:40,911 --> 00:59:42,788 Everyone down to the eighth floor now! 1637 00:59:43,330 --> 00:59:45,291 [ALL CHEERING] 1638 00:59:47,001 --> 00:59:48,334 I'm not in a toga! 1639 00:59:48,335 --> 00:59:50,170 [NEIL SCREAMING] 1640 00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:56,302 [EXCITED CHATTER] 1641 01:00:02,474 --> 01:00:05,144 GARRETT: Okay, okay. But why are we yelling? 1642 01:00:07,730 --> 01:00:10,107 DAVE: Rocky, there's no way these kids are gonna hit their marks. 1643 01:00:10,274 --> 01:00:12,943 So you better be wide enough to catch 'em all. We got that? 1644 01:00:13,110 --> 01:00:15,195 Hey, did Rosie tell you what she wants for her credit? 1645 01:00:15,779 --> 01:00:17,488 Oh. Uh... 1646 01:00:17,489 --> 01:00:19,700 She was of two minds... 1647 01:00:23,203 --> 01:00:24,830 What is this? Why are you cueing up Carson? Who is that? 1648 01:00:25,581 --> 01:00:26,915 I think that's Tony Curtis. 1649 01:00:27,082 --> 01:00:29,335 That's pretty normal right before a live show, right, Dave? 1650 01:00:29,501 --> 01:00:31,462 Yeah. If anything goes wrong, we bump to tape. 1651 01:00:31,628 --> 01:00:32,755 - See? - Right. 1652 01:00:32,921 --> 01:00:34,590 Lorne! Lorne. We found a lighting director. 1653 01:00:34,923 --> 01:00:35,924 LORNE: Great. Go get him. 1654 01:00:36,091 --> 01:00:37,633 No, he's lighting a show right now. 1655 01:00:37,634 --> 01:00:39,011 This will take some massaging. 1656 01:00:39,178 --> 01:00:40,179 We don't have... 1657 01:00:42,097 --> 01:00:43,098 What floor? 1658 01:00:44,016 --> 01:00:46,518 It's down on the sixth floor. Some variety show. 1659 01:00:46,685 --> 01:00:48,562 - And he knows I'm coming? - Uh... 1660 01:00:49,855 --> 01:00:52,232 - Say, Lorne. This a bad time? - LORNE: Perfect time, Garrett. 1661 01:00:52,399 --> 01:00:53,901 Okay, I've been thinkin'. 1662 01:00:54,068 --> 01:00:56,111 Why did you hire me? 1663 01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:57,320 You were cheap. 1664 01:00:57,321 --> 01:00:58,405 GARRETT: Really? 1665 01:00:58,572 --> 01:01:00,115 I'm being ironical, Garrett. 1666 01:01:00,949 --> 01:01:01,950 The fuck? 1667 01:01:06,205 --> 01:01:07,206 Hey, Garrett. 1668 01:01:07,831 --> 01:01:08,832 What's wrong? 1669 01:01:09,124 --> 01:01:11,293 [SIGHS] Nothin'. I'm just... 1670 01:01:12,252 --> 01:01:14,337 Just trying to figure out exactly what it is 1671 01:01:14,338 --> 01:01:15,547 I am doing here. 1672 01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:16,965 Aw, what do you mean? 1673 01:01:17,383 --> 01:01:18,634 You know... 1674 01:01:18,801 --> 01:01:21,512 I just can't help but feeling a little bit like an outsider. 1675 01:01:21,678 --> 01:01:23,097 Because you're so much older? 1676 01:01:23,263 --> 01:01:24,264 What? 1677 01:01:25,099 --> 01:01:27,267 I went to Juilliard. 1678 01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,645 I've been on Broadway. I'm a published playwright. 1679 01:01:29,812 --> 01:01:33,399 Man, they got me buzzin' around here in a goddamn bee suit... 1680 01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:35,442 and wavin' a gun around like I'm some kind of hoodlum. 1681 01:01:35,609 --> 01:01:37,653 These are not my strengths, man. 1682 01:01:37,820 --> 01:01:39,780 I am being under-utilized... 1683 01:01:39,947 --> 01:01:41,073 which makes me ponder... 1684 01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:43,242 what am I doing here? 1685 01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:45,244 You know how many operas I've done? 1686 01:01:45,619 --> 01:01:47,079 - I have no idea, Garrett. - Shit... 1687 01:01:47,246 --> 01:01:48,747 while Danny and Laraine were eatin' Froot Loops... 1688 01:01:48,914 --> 01:01:53,627 I was performing La Traviata in Italian. 1689 01:01:53,794 --> 01:01:54,795 Ya dig? 1690 01:01:54,962 --> 01:01:57,172 Of course, I dig, Garrett. 1691 01:01:57,923 --> 01:01:58,757 But, uh... 1692 01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:02,219 no one is saying you can't sing on the show. 1693 01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:03,387 Right? 1694 01:02:05,973 --> 01:02:06,974 {\an8}[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 1695 01:02:10,144 --> 01:02:11,186 Where's the Rumpus room? 1696 01:02:11,353 --> 01:02:13,897 TOGETHER: ♪ Down on the right ♪ 1697 01:02:16,692 --> 01:02:18,277 Oh. Whoa. Pardon me. 1698 01:02:24,158 --> 01:02:26,117 [BELL RINGS] 1699 01:02:26,118 --> 01:02:28,454 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - WOMAN: And three, two... 1700 01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,207 [MUSIC PLAYING] 1701 01:02:36,628 --> 01:02:40,215 And we... Seven, eight, and blocking! 1702 01:02:41,592 --> 01:02:44,678 Five, six... Uh-oh! 1703 01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:46,263 Smile! 1704 01:03:21,924 --> 01:03:23,467 [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING] 1705 01:03:31,767 --> 01:03:33,977 Hey! You little fucker. 1706 01:03:34,561 --> 01:03:36,104 Get your head out of your ass. 1707 01:03:36,271 --> 01:03:39,191 Prep the cupcake lights and bring up the glitter, Carl. 1708 01:03:40,108 --> 01:03:41,109 Carl? 1709 01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:42,903 I have a job offer. 1710 01:03:43,487 --> 01:03:45,989 Comes with no guarantees, no perks, and no weekends. 1711 01:03:47,533 --> 01:03:48,534 How's the pay? 1712 01:03:50,285 --> 01:03:51,537 That's the worst part. 1713 01:03:56,083 --> 01:03:57,084 MAN: What the fuck? 1714 01:03:57,251 --> 01:03:58,293 - When do you start? - LORNE: Right now. 1715 01:03:58,460 --> 01:04:01,380 MAN: Send me a postcard from the gutter, you little shit. 1716 01:04:13,225 --> 01:04:14,309 Rosie, you seen Jackie? 1717 01:04:14,476 --> 01:04:15,852 No. Sorry. 1718 01:04:16,019 --> 01:04:17,563 Knock, knock. 1719 01:04:18,105 --> 01:04:20,232 - Hi. - Hi, stud. Can I see? 1720 01:04:20,399 --> 01:04:21,775 Can you get Chevy to do this one? 1721 01:04:21,942 --> 01:04:23,986 No way. You look so sexy. 1722 01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:26,446 Hey. These can't be the right size. 1723 01:04:26,613 --> 01:04:28,781 Yeah, you're right. They should be a little bit smaller. 1724 01:04:28,782 --> 01:04:29,699 [LAUGHTER] 1725 01:04:29,700 --> 01:04:31,118 DAN: This feels like it's a lot of leg. 1726 01:04:31,285 --> 01:04:32,578 ROSIE: You kidding, hot stuff? 1727 01:04:32,744 --> 01:04:33,911 You're gonna melt every TV in America. 1728 01:04:33,912 --> 01:04:35,037 - DAN: Oh, yeah? - Uh, yeah. 1729 01:04:35,038 --> 01:04:36,747 You know, ma'am, you are dealing 1730 01:04:36,748 --> 01:04:38,082 with a fully-qualified male strumpet here. 1731 01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:39,166 ROSIE: Oh. Male? 1732 01:04:39,167 --> 01:04:40,418 DAN: I've actually got a work order... 1733 01:04:40,419 --> 01:04:44,006 stating I should be rogering you roundly right now! 1734 01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:45,591 LORNE: Hey, have you guys seen John? 1735 01:04:46,425 --> 01:04:48,885 No, I haven't seen him. Danny? 1736 01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:50,512 - Have you seen John? - Yeah? John. 1737 01:04:50,679 --> 01:04:53,599 Well, John's an anarchist and an Illinois alpha male. 1738 01:04:54,266 --> 01:04:55,350 What does that mean? 1739 01:04:55,767 --> 01:04:57,852 Oh. Uh, well, see, boss, you and I, 1740 01:04:57,853 --> 01:04:59,229 if we were to enter this space... 1741 01:04:59,396 --> 01:05:01,230 we'd be like 15th century peasants 1742 01:05:01,231 --> 01:05:02,356 walking into the Vatican... 1743 01:05:02,357 --> 01:05:04,067 but Belushi's a whole other animal. 1744 01:05:04,234 --> 01:05:05,986 He's a skeptic and a sinner. 1745 01:05:06,153 --> 01:05:07,613 I'd give O'Houlihans a recce. 1746 01:05:07,988 --> 01:05:09,615 - He's at the bar next door. - LORNE: Ah. 1747 01:05:09,948 --> 01:05:12,909 Um, Barbara's still asking about your credit on the show. 1748 01:05:13,076 --> 01:05:14,119 ROSIE: Whatever you think. 1749 01:05:14,286 --> 01:05:15,495 It's your name, Rose. 1750 01:05:17,539 --> 01:05:18,665 Has he only gotten that far? 1751 01:05:19,082 --> 01:05:21,418 We'd like to help, but we're rootin' for the guy. 1752 01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:23,211 Well, at least your heart's in it. 1753 01:05:23,378 --> 01:05:25,047 Hey, you seen Jacqueline, my fiancée? 1754 01:05:25,213 --> 01:05:26,882 No, I haven't seen shit! 1755 01:05:27,633 --> 01:05:29,551 Ladies, have you seen Jackie? 1756 01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:30,719 - WOMAN: No. Sorry. - JOE: All right, change of plans. 1757 01:05:30,886 --> 01:05:32,178 We're skippin' Ancient Greece 1758 01:05:32,179 --> 01:05:33,972 and we're movin' into the break room. 1759 01:05:34,139 --> 01:05:35,265 Ladies, I need you in your hard hats. 1760 01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:36,767 - Okay? Right now. Come on. - [BOTH GROAN] 1761 01:05:36,933 --> 01:05:39,061 I don't want to change. 1762 01:05:39,227 --> 01:05:40,812 Are we good? Is he all right? 1763 01:05:40,979 --> 01:05:42,688 Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean... 1764 01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:44,106 whatever's going on between you and me 1765 01:05:44,107 --> 01:05:45,817 is the last thing on his mind right now. 1766 01:05:45,984 --> 01:05:48,028 So the man doesn't wrestle with the green-eyed monster? 1767 01:05:48,195 --> 01:05:50,112 Hardly. I mean, look, I've known Lorne 1768 01:05:50,113 --> 01:05:51,782 since I had toilet paper tits. 1769 01:05:52,616 --> 01:05:54,241 One day, he just followed me home from school 1770 01:05:54,242 --> 01:05:56,035 - and I never shook him. - Pretty sure 1771 01:05:56,036 --> 01:05:57,745 - you can be arrested for that. - MOOSE: Look out, Rosie! 1772 01:05:57,746 --> 01:05:59,081 Sorry, Moose. 1773 01:05:59,956 --> 01:06:01,207 Anyways, I don't know, 1774 01:06:01,208 --> 01:06:03,877 Lorne lost his dad when he was 14... 1775 01:06:04,044 --> 01:06:05,629 and his mom sold everything... 1776 01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:08,215 and so he spent a whole year without furniture. 1777 01:06:08,382 --> 01:06:09,966 So when I first met him, I thought... 1778 01:06:10,133 --> 01:06:13,804 he's just a stray looking for a spare piece of carpet... 1779 01:06:14,513 --> 01:06:16,223 like, he wants to be a part of my family... 1780 01:06:16,390 --> 01:06:18,892 and I'm the kid sister or something. 1781 01:06:19,643 --> 01:06:21,645 But then, hormones. 1782 01:06:21,812 --> 01:06:23,772 Turns out, I'm not the kid sister... 1783 01:06:24,272 --> 01:06:27,442 and so we start dating and I think... 1784 01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,987 "Okay, he wants to build a family with me." 1785 01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:33,699 And we get married, we buy a house. 1786 01:06:33,865 --> 01:06:35,742 I mean, no ring. I think those are pretty stupid. 1787 01:06:35,909 --> 01:06:38,245 But linens and china. 1788 01:06:39,621 --> 01:06:42,124 And then it turns out... 1789 01:06:42,290 --> 01:06:44,626 I'm not the kid sister or the wife. 1790 01:06:45,252 --> 01:06:46,253 DAN: So who are ya? 1791 01:06:46,712 --> 01:06:48,004 ROSIE: I'm the writer. 1792 01:06:48,171 --> 01:06:50,215 JOE: All right, rehearsal's moments away. 1793 01:06:50,382 --> 01:06:51,717 DAN: And who's he? 1794 01:06:51,883 --> 01:06:54,510 We take you now to Ancient Greece. 1795 01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:56,011 JOE: Not yet, Don. It's the wrong sketch, buddy. 1796 01:06:56,012 --> 01:06:57,472 Can I get you behind the lockers? 1797 01:06:57,639 --> 01:06:58,974 Yeah. 1798 01:07:00,434 --> 01:07:01,977 And try sitting like men. 1799 01:07:02,477 --> 01:07:03,478 - Oh, yeah. - ROSIE: Perfect. 1800 01:07:03,645 --> 01:07:05,856 Okay. Hair and makeup, clear. 1801 01:07:06,148 --> 01:07:07,274 Clearing. 1802 01:07:07,441 --> 01:07:09,109 Please get the fuck out. Thank you. 1803 01:07:09,276 --> 01:07:11,444 Okay, and action! 1804 01:07:11,445 --> 01:07:12,404 [LOCKER CLANGS] 1805 01:07:13,238 --> 01:07:16,241 Now that you've mastered all the technical know-how... 1806 01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:19,578 I think it's time we work on your sidewalk skills. 1807 01:07:19,745 --> 01:07:20,871 All right. 1808 01:07:21,371 --> 01:07:23,665 Daniel over here has kindly offered... 1809 01:07:23,832 --> 01:07:26,918 to aid us in a live demonstration. 1810 01:07:27,085 --> 01:07:28,754 Come on out, Danny. 1811 01:07:29,921 --> 01:07:31,381 Danny, enter. 1812 01:07:34,593 --> 01:07:35,426 [LAUGHTER] 1813 01:07:35,427 --> 01:07:37,428 ROSIE: No, you got to take off the robe. 1814 01:07:37,429 --> 01:07:39,221 I can lose it on the day. I figured I'd rehearse with... 1815 01:07:39,222 --> 01:07:41,141 No. You can lose the robe right now. 1816 01:07:44,895 --> 01:07:47,354 [ALL CHEERING] 1817 01:07:47,355 --> 01:07:48,857 The shorts are too short. 1818 01:07:50,484 --> 01:07:52,693 Now, when a little piece-a heaven 1819 01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:55,363 - like Danny walks by... - Now strut. 1820 01:07:56,615 --> 01:07:58,073 - Here's how you make him feel... - Right. 1821 01:07:58,074 --> 01:07:59,283 GILDA: ...right at home. 1822 01:07:59,284 --> 01:08:00,242 [LAUGHTER] 1823 01:08:00,243 --> 01:08:03,163 - Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom! - [ALL CHEERING] 1824 01:08:03,330 --> 01:08:04,915 Show him how to do it, Gilda! 1825 01:08:05,165 --> 01:08:06,291 - Yeah! - GILDA: Come on, Jane. 1826 01:08:06,458 --> 01:08:08,210 - Give it to him. - All right. 1827 01:08:09,377 --> 01:08:10,587 Hey, dreamboat. 1828 01:08:11,129 --> 01:08:13,965 What's the matter? Why don't you give me a little twirl? 1829 01:08:14,132 --> 01:08:17,134 Show me what you're workin' with. 1830 01:08:17,135 --> 01:08:19,221 [CHEERING AND WHISTLING] 1831 01:08:20,597 --> 01:08:21,807 GILDA: Okay, give it to him, Laraine. 1832 01:08:26,228 --> 01:08:28,854 Hey, stud muffins, want to make bouncy bouncy? 1833 01:08:28,855 --> 01:08:30,272 [LAUGHTER] 1834 01:08:30,273 --> 01:08:31,398 Are we still doing the scene? Or... 1835 01:08:31,399 --> 01:08:32,525 What are ya talkin' to her for? 1836 01:08:32,526 --> 01:08:33,818 You're talkin' to me, joy chunks. 1837 01:08:33,819 --> 01:08:35,153 ROSIE: Stay in character, please. 1838 01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:37,072 - Hey. - GILDA: Come on, baby. 1839 01:08:37,239 --> 01:08:39,031 LARAINE: Ya dropped somethin'. 1840 01:08:39,032 --> 01:08:40,659 ALL: Whoa! 1841 01:08:41,660 --> 01:08:43,160 Well, I guess I should just pick this up. 1842 01:08:43,161 --> 01:08:45,455 [ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING] 1843 01:08:49,125 --> 01:08:50,836 All right, all right. All right. 1844 01:08:51,002 --> 01:08:52,002 They are so cute 1845 01:08:52,003 --> 01:08:53,546 - when they're mad! - All right, thank you. 1846 01:08:53,547 --> 01:08:54,880 Okay, cut. 1847 01:08:54,881 --> 01:08:56,383 [APPLAUSE] 1848 01:08:57,384 --> 01:08:59,010 The shorts are too short. I told ya. 1849 01:08:59,761 --> 01:09:02,556 Here you go. It was a great scene. 1850 01:09:03,056 --> 01:09:04,057 - Yeah, strumpet. - Thanks. 1851 01:09:04,224 --> 01:09:05,891 JOE: All right, and we're movin' on. 1852 01:09:05,892 --> 01:09:07,060 Great rehearsal. Here we go. 1853 01:09:07,227 --> 01:09:09,896 We take you now to Ancient Greece... 1854 01:09:10,063 --> 01:09:11,439 as Alexander the Great... 1855 01:09:11,606 --> 01:09:14,025 attends his ten-year high school reunion. 1856 01:09:14,192 --> 01:09:15,777 Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie? 1857 01:09:17,362 --> 01:09:18,405 Gentlemen, you seen Jackie? 1858 01:09:21,616 --> 01:09:23,201 JACQUELINE: Look at that. My goodness. 1859 01:09:23,368 --> 01:09:24,786 Hey, hon. They need us in Athens. 1860 01:09:24,953 --> 01:09:26,037 MILTON: Jesus, who's this guy? 1861 01:09:26,204 --> 01:09:27,706 Chevy, Milton taped a show here... 1862 01:09:27,873 --> 01:09:30,208 - back in 1956, isn't that neat? - Ooh! 1863 01:09:30,375 --> 01:09:31,418 She's taken. 1864 01:09:31,585 --> 01:09:33,461 What hours? I'll take the rest of the evening. 1865 01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:34,838 - Excuse me? - JACQUELINE: He's kidding. 1866 01:09:35,005 --> 01:09:36,089 Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding. 1867 01:09:36,256 --> 01:09:37,257 CHEVY: Oh, that's cute. 1868 01:09:37,424 --> 01:09:38,967 I remember when you used to do comedy. 1869 01:09:39,134 --> 01:09:40,552 Funny, 'cause I never heard of you. 1870 01:09:40,719 --> 01:09:42,345 That's probably the Alzheimer's. 1871 01:09:43,179 --> 01:09:44,638 What's the matter, did you wander off 1872 01:09:44,639 --> 01:09:46,975 - onto an actual TV set? - [CHUCKLES] 1873 01:09:47,434 --> 01:09:48,559 Hey, darling, you're sitting 1874 01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:50,353 in front of the Ghost of Television Past. 1875 01:09:50,520 --> 01:09:51,521 This old man... 1876 01:09:51,688 --> 01:09:53,481 he used to be an institution. Now he needs one. 1877 01:09:55,358 --> 01:09:57,234 If you want my comeback, you're gonna have to scrape it 1878 01:09:57,235 --> 01:09:59,070 off the back of your mom's teeth. 1879 01:09:59,237 --> 01:10:00,405 [CHUCKLES] Jesus. 1880 01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:03,240 You're gonna laugh at that? 1881 01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,409 MILTON: Listen, sweetheart. 1882 01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,369 There's plenty more where that came from. 1883 01:10:07,829 --> 01:10:08,830 God. 1884 01:10:10,457 --> 01:10:11,291 Oh. 1885 01:10:11,875 --> 01:10:13,293 Do I have your attention? 1886 01:10:16,755 --> 01:10:17,589 [CHUCKLES] 1887 01:10:19,215 --> 01:10:21,133 I have two stars on the Walk of Fame. 1888 01:10:21,134 --> 01:10:22,760 - Oh. - Oh, yeah. Who gives a shit? 1889 01:10:22,761 --> 01:10:23,802 CHEVY: Hmm. 1890 01:10:23,803 --> 01:10:25,013 MILTON: I once held 97%... 1891 01:10:25,180 --> 01:10:27,599 of America's television viewing audience. 1892 01:10:29,893 --> 01:10:31,478 That's not what they're gonna remember. 1893 01:10:32,479 --> 01:10:34,689 They're gonna remember Mr. Television. 1894 01:10:35,649 --> 01:10:37,108 Their Uncle Miltie. 1895 01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:40,362 Who the fuck are you, kid? 1896 01:10:42,113 --> 01:10:43,198 You're not a star. 1897 01:10:45,075 --> 01:10:47,077 You're barely in the fucking building. 1898 01:10:47,410 --> 01:10:48,328 [SCOFFS] 1899 01:10:50,580 --> 01:10:52,165 You're not even a swingin' dick. 1900 01:10:52,999 --> 01:10:53,917 [ZIPPING] 1901 01:10:55,210 --> 01:10:56,795 Call me after he's done crying. 1902 01:10:56,962 --> 01:10:59,339 GEORGE: Are you shitting me? 1903 01:10:59,506 --> 01:11:01,091 Are you shitting me with this costume? 1904 01:11:01,257 --> 01:11:02,257 Can you make a path? 1905 01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,969 There's an actual comedian coming through. 1906 01:11:04,135 --> 01:11:05,595 Wow. Look at these columns. 1907 01:11:05,762 --> 01:11:07,347 I feel transported. Oh! 1908 01:11:07,931 --> 01:11:09,641 Hey, George. How can I help? 1909 01:11:10,225 --> 01:11:12,185 So, what is this? 1910 01:11:12,352 --> 01:11:14,896 Why am I dressed like a fuckin' towel boy from Caesar's? 1911 01:11:15,063 --> 01:11:17,399 Well, I believe you're Alexander the Great at his... 1912 01:11:17,565 --> 01:11:19,025 Ten-year high school reunion. 1913 01:11:19,192 --> 01:11:20,193 - Thank you, Don. - Exactly. 1914 01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:21,528 So, when Chevy asks what you've been up to... 1915 01:11:21,695 --> 01:11:22,946 your response is, "You know... 1916 01:11:23,113 --> 01:11:25,615 "mostly conquering the known universe." [CHUCKLES] 1917 01:11:26,741 --> 01:11:28,492 Right. And this is for television. 1918 01:11:28,493 --> 01:11:29,995 - Right. - What's your concern, George? 1919 01:11:30,161 --> 01:11:31,286 My real concern is why I let my agent 1920 01:11:31,287 --> 01:11:32,371 convince me to do your show. 1921 01:11:32,372 --> 01:11:33,456 Do you need some help with the script? 1922 01:11:33,623 --> 01:11:35,291 I'd just love to know where the humor is. 1923 01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:37,418 It's like a Spruce Goose. It's a lot of wood, no lift off. 1924 01:11:37,419 --> 01:11:38,544 LORNE: Well, we can rewrite. I mean, we have... 1925 01:11:38,545 --> 01:11:39,628 Is that right? 1926 01:11:39,629 --> 01:11:40,797 - Jesus Christ. - Great. 1927 01:11:40,964 --> 01:11:42,506 - We could find... - No, no, no. George, I hear you. 1928 01:11:42,507 --> 01:11:44,091 - LORNE: We want to make it work. - I think I understand 1929 01:11:44,092 --> 01:11:45,927 the reason you might be struggling. 1930 01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:48,013 You see, these are scenes. 1931 01:11:48,179 --> 01:11:49,179 Well, sketches. 1932 01:11:49,180 --> 01:11:51,057 - They revolve around acting. - Michael... 1933 01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:52,224 And that must feel foreign 1934 01:11:52,225 --> 01:11:53,308 when you're a ponytailed vulture... 1935 01:11:53,309 --> 01:11:55,145 feeding off the corpse of Lenny Bruce. 1936 01:11:55,854 --> 01:11:56,688 [SCOFFS] 1937 01:12:00,984 --> 01:12:02,736 It's okay. He's right. You're right. 1938 01:12:06,448 --> 01:12:08,073 Because I wouldn't want to make these skits 1939 01:12:08,074 --> 01:12:09,993 any worse than they actually are. 1940 01:12:10,452 --> 01:12:13,496 It's a great thing no one will be watching. 1941 01:12:13,663 --> 01:12:15,832 Enjoy your fucking little circle jerk. 1942 01:12:15,999 --> 01:12:17,958 - We already are. - GEORGE: Oh, your mom's here? 1943 01:12:17,959 --> 01:12:18,877 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 1944 01:12:22,047 --> 01:12:23,298 Well, he's in character. 1945 01:12:36,770 --> 01:12:38,396 [CLOCK TICKING] 1946 01:12:46,529 --> 01:12:47,530 LEO: It's shit. 1947 01:13:04,798 --> 01:13:06,132 Lorne, Lorne. 1948 01:13:06,966 --> 01:13:07,967 Lorne. 1949 01:13:08,635 --> 01:13:09,719 Lorne, great news. 1950 01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:11,888 We figured it out. Ready? 1951 01:13:17,477 --> 01:13:18,478 Ta-da. 1952 01:13:19,187 --> 01:13:21,231 - We cut the toga sketch. - Oh. 1953 01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,525 Even without Alexander, we're still 30 over. 1954 01:13:23,691 --> 01:13:25,777 Maybe we don't need four musical performances? 1955 01:13:25,944 --> 01:13:27,821 Or maybe we could trim one of the Carlin monologues. 1956 01:13:27,987 --> 01:13:28,988 Okay. 1957 01:13:36,371 --> 01:13:37,956 What about now? Are we under now? 1958 01:13:39,124 --> 01:13:40,249 We can make it work. 1959 01:13:40,250 --> 01:13:42,001 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 1960 01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:47,090 Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne. 1961 01:13:47,257 --> 01:13:50,510 Look, I know it's probably a bad time and all, but, um... 1962 01:13:51,469 --> 01:13:52,469 but Valri and I have been talking... 1963 01:13:52,470 --> 01:13:53,554 LORNE: Yeah. 1964 01:13:53,555 --> 01:13:55,639 ...and we can't accept anything less than four minutes a piece. 1965 01:13:55,640 --> 01:13:57,350 So, that's four minutes for me, four minutes for Valri. 1966 01:13:57,517 --> 01:13:58,726 Look, we've just been... 1967 01:13:59,144 --> 01:14:00,602 working too hard on our material 1968 01:14:00,603 --> 01:14:02,230 to accept anything less so it's... 1969 01:14:02,939 --> 01:14:04,065 four minutes or nothin'. 1970 01:14:04,315 --> 01:14:05,733 Well, I need two minutes. 1971 01:14:06,109 --> 01:14:07,484 You need me to cut two minutes of my sketch? 1972 01:14:07,485 --> 01:14:08,569 I could do that, Lorne. 1973 01:14:08,570 --> 01:14:10,113 I mean, that's six minutes only, you know. I can make that... 1974 01:14:10,280 --> 01:14:11,573 No, I need two minutes of material. 1975 01:14:12,323 --> 01:14:13,408 It's two minutes or nothing. 1976 01:14:13,825 --> 01:14:15,076 Is this for real? 'Cause... 1977 01:14:15,827 --> 01:14:17,578 Okay, I killed at dress, right? 1978 01:14:17,579 --> 01:14:18,996 I'm the only good act that killed at dress. 1979 01:14:18,997 --> 01:14:20,080 I can do the show, so... 1980 01:14:20,081 --> 01:14:21,374 Billy, can you make it work in two minutes? 1981 01:14:21,541 --> 01:14:23,751 - I can't even set it up in two. - Then I don't know what to say. 1982 01:14:23,918 --> 01:14:25,086 I'm sorry it didn't work out. 1983 01:14:25,545 --> 01:14:26,546 Can you make it in two? 1984 01:14:27,547 --> 01:14:28,882 - Yes. - Great. 1985 01:14:36,598 --> 01:14:38,016 DICK: Lorne, Lorne. 1986 01:14:38,933 --> 01:14:39,767 Uh... 1987 01:14:41,227 --> 01:14:42,228 I was thinking... 1988 01:14:42,937 --> 01:14:44,147 why don't we punt? 1989 01:14:46,149 --> 01:14:48,860 Come back stronger next week, debut with Paul Simon. 1990 01:14:49,277 --> 01:14:50,361 That's what you've been thinking? 1991 01:14:50,528 --> 01:14:53,072 Listen, no one wants this show to succeed more than I do. 1992 01:14:53,239 --> 01:14:54,240 LORNE: Is that so? 1993 01:14:54,949 --> 01:14:56,993 I mean, yeah, I hired you, Lorne. 1994 01:14:57,493 --> 01:14:58,912 I take it up the ass from this network every day... 1995 01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,496 because I believe in this show. 1996 01:15:00,663 --> 01:15:02,665 And I'm telling you, we should run the dress rehearsal... 1997 01:15:02,832 --> 01:15:04,417 and claw back a win next Saturday. 1998 01:15:04,584 --> 01:15:05,959 It's in everyone's best interest. 1999 01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:07,211 Mainly yours. 2000 01:15:07,212 --> 01:15:08,588 Sorry. Was that a threat? 2001 01:15:08,755 --> 01:15:10,590 No. What? No. 2002 01:15:10,965 --> 01:15:13,218 Lorne, all I'm trying to do is give you advice. 2003 01:15:13,384 --> 01:15:14,552 25 minutes! 2004 01:15:15,887 --> 01:15:17,554 Thanks for the advice, but we can't, Dick. 2005 01:15:17,555 --> 01:15:18,639 It's a live show. 2006 01:15:18,640 --> 01:15:19,723 No one's gonna know the difference. 2007 01:15:19,724 --> 01:15:21,308 - We just can't. - Lorne, you need to start 2008 01:15:21,309 --> 01:15:23,310 adjusting your concept of what you can and cannot do. 2009 01:15:23,311 --> 01:15:24,896 We can't because there is no tape. 2010 01:15:25,063 --> 01:15:26,773 I didn't record the dress rehearsal. 2011 01:15:27,440 --> 01:15:29,150 So, we don't have to argue about it. 2012 01:15:30,526 --> 01:15:31,527 You didn't what? 2013 01:15:32,028 --> 01:15:33,029 We just have to make it to air. 2014 01:15:33,196 --> 01:15:35,031 Lorne, I'm not gonna be able to protect you. 2015 01:15:35,198 --> 01:15:37,659 - I'm used to that. - Oh, screw you. 2016 01:15:37,825 --> 01:15:40,203 Do you know how much bullshit never makes it to your ears? 2017 01:15:40,370 --> 01:15:41,704 Because I'm the wall they hit. 2018 01:15:41,871 --> 01:15:43,665 Tell that to your Polaroid rep. She's cute. 2019 01:15:43,831 --> 01:15:46,124 I'm sorry you need a sponsor for a show 2020 01:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,835 that can't pull a single advertiser. 2021 01:15:48,002 --> 01:15:49,754 You know they're giving out the ads for free? 2022 01:15:49,921 --> 01:15:53,257 NBC is lucky to have something as relevant as this show. 2023 01:15:53,258 --> 01:15:54,591 Lorne, they don't even want it. 2024 01:15:54,592 --> 01:15:55,676 That's logical, Dick. That's why 2025 01:15:55,677 --> 01:15:56,885 they're paying us all to be here. 2026 01:15:56,886 --> 01:15:58,388 [SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] 2027 01:16:00,682 --> 01:16:02,183 They want you to fail. 2028 01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:03,642 They're betting on it. 2029 01:16:03,643 --> 01:16:04,768 Really? 2030 01:16:04,769 --> 01:16:06,019 NBC makes more money 2031 01:16:06,020 --> 01:16:07,981 playing reruns of The Tonight Show. 2032 01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:10,316 - So, why don't they? - It's a contract dispute, Lorne. 2033 01:16:10,483 --> 01:16:12,234 I mean, they're trying to prove to Johnny Carson 2034 01:16:12,235 --> 01:16:13,820 that the reruns are inevitable. 2035 01:16:13,987 --> 01:16:17,031 So, they built a show that was guaranteed to fail. 2036 01:16:17,198 --> 01:16:19,241 I mean, Lorne, 90 minutes of live television 2037 01:16:19,242 --> 01:16:20,576 by a group of 20-year-olds... 2038 01:16:20,743 --> 01:16:21,911 who've never made anything. 2039 01:16:22,161 --> 01:16:24,539 Do you ever stop and wonder why they said yes? 2040 01:16:24,706 --> 01:16:27,625 A counterculture show starring total unknowns... 2041 01:16:27,792 --> 01:16:30,253 with zero narrative and even less structure? 2042 01:16:30,420 --> 01:16:32,547 Are you that fucking arrogant... 2043 01:16:33,006 --> 01:16:35,091 that you never even questioned this? 2044 01:16:38,011 --> 01:16:39,553 Now, look, you want to know what's gonna happen 2045 01:16:39,554 --> 01:16:41,431 at 11:30 tonight? Okay. 2046 01:16:42,015 --> 01:16:43,308 Your actors will be on their marks. 2047 01:16:43,474 --> 01:16:45,226 Band's tuned up, all ready to go. 2048 01:16:45,393 --> 01:16:46,853 Joe will be hollering out the countdown... 2049 01:16:47,020 --> 01:16:48,229 and you'll be in the control room... 2050 01:16:48,396 --> 01:16:50,690 and Dave Tebet will be standing probably right next to you. 2051 01:16:50,857 --> 01:16:52,317 And when those screens go black... 2052 01:16:52,483 --> 01:16:53,859 he will raise his big-ass, 2053 01:16:53,860 --> 01:16:55,486 jeweled-up index finger and say... 2054 01:16:55,653 --> 01:16:56,696 "Go to Carson." 2055 01:16:57,071 --> 01:16:58,406 And that will be that. 2056 01:16:59,782 --> 01:17:00,825 You blew it. 2057 01:17:05,288 --> 01:17:07,749 And listen, I know you all make fun of me... 2058 01:17:07,915 --> 01:17:09,292 and my clothes behind my back. 2059 01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:12,170 But, Lorne, I'm killing myself for this show. 2060 01:17:14,505 --> 01:17:16,007 Also, Polaroid is cool. 2061 01:17:36,527 --> 01:17:38,654 - Oh, shit! Lorne. - It worked! 2062 01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:45,453 Nice work, fellas. 2063 01:17:46,704 --> 01:17:48,206 A little heavy on the flow, but very funny. 2064 01:17:49,332 --> 01:17:50,333 Sorry about the clothes. 2065 01:17:50,500 --> 01:17:51,793 AL: And your face. 2066 01:17:53,711 --> 01:17:58,132 Art is but a measure of sacrifice and tears. 2067 01:17:59,634 --> 01:18:00,675 Not quite ready for tonight, 2068 01:18:00,676 --> 01:18:02,512 but I'll keep it on a special list. 2069 01:18:04,305 --> 01:18:06,015 BOTH: "Special list"? 2070 01:18:19,904 --> 01:18:20,905 Lobby. 2071 01:18:25,326 --> 01:18:26,994 This an okay time? 2072 01:18:28,037 --> 01:18:29,038 Ideal. 2073 01:18:29,372 --> 01:18:30,373 Look... 2074 01:18:32,125 --> 01:18:33,584 I know what people say... 2075 01:18:33,751 --> 01:18:36,629 when they see a man with his arm up a Muppet. 2076 01:18:37,839 --> 01:18:38,673 But... 2077 01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:41,509 this isn't just kid's stuff. 2078 01:18:42,343 --> 01:18:44,220 I believe, deep in my heart... 2079 01:18:44,387 --> 01:18:47,598 that there is room for high-stakes puppetry... 2080 01:18:47,765 --> 01:18:49,392 on grown-up TV. 2081 01:18:49,642 --> 01:18:52,645 And... I get the sense that... 2082 01:18:52,812 --> 01:18:54,980 some of the writers on the 17th floor 2083 01:18:54,981 --> 01:18:56,941 don't share that dream. 2084 01:18:59,277 --> 01:19:01,028 You didn't like the pages? 2085 01:19:04,198 --> 01:19:05,616 There were no pages. 2086 01:19:06,451 --> 01:19:08,870 - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] - That's fair criticism. 2087 01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:12,290 MAN: Free show! 2088 01:19:12,874 --> 01:19:14,000 Free show, sir? 2089 01:19:14,792 --> 01:19:15,793 Free show. 2090 01:19:17,628 --> 01:19:19,714 Plenty of tickets left, guys. Free show. 2091 01:19:20,131 --> 01:19:21,466 The night's still young. 2092 01:19:22,258 --> 01:19:23,342 Hey, man! How's it going? 2093 01:19:29,098 --> 01:19:31,142 BILLY: Thank you. Long Island. 2094 01:19:31,601 --> 01:19:32,810 Massapequa Park. 2095 01:19:33,269 --> 01:19:34,270 MAN: Hello? 2096 01:19:36,647 --> 01:19:38,649 [MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING] 2097 01:19:56,292 --> 01:19:58,419 [MELANCHOLIC MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING] 2098 01:20:04,967 --> 01:20:06,510 MAN: My family had trouble fittin' in 2099 01:20:06,511 --> 01:20:08,095 when they got to America. 2100 01:20:08,262 --> 01:20:09,721 Even though my great-grandfather 2101 01:20:09,722 --> 01:20:11,974 actually fought in the Civil War... 2102 01:20:12,308 --> 01:20:14,226 he fought for the West. 2103 01:20:14,227 --> 01:20:16,479 - [SIGHS] Jesus Christ. - MAN: Okay. 2104 01:20:16,646 --> 01:20:18,564 This drunk, he's in front of the bench. 2105 01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:21,025 The judge says, "Hey, we brought you in for drinking." 2106 01:20:21,192 --> 01:20:23,236 And the drunk goes, "Great. What are we havin'?" 2107 01:20:24,946 --> 01:20:28,366 That's not the punch line. Jesus, fucking bullshit! 2108 01:20:28,533 --> 01:20:29,784 What's happening here? 2109 01:20:30,535 --> 01:20:33,955 I get paid seven bucks a joke, if it gets a laugh. Which... 2110 01:20:34,330 --> 01:20:35,997 This putz is taking bulletproof material 2111 01:20:35,998 --> 01:20:37,082 and filling it with lead. 2112 01:20:37,083 --> 01:20:38,291 You wrote his jokes? 2113 01:20:38,292 --> 01:20:40,418 Yeah. I wrote things that vaguely resemble 2114 01:20:40,419 --> 01:20:41,754 the things that he's saying. 2115 01:20:42,463 --> 01:20:44,715 Why don't you just perform them yourself? 2116 01:20:45,383 --> 01:20:47,426 Look at me. This is how much I sweat off-stage. 2117 01:20:47,802 --> 01:20:49,595 MAN: I get home from work the other night... 2118 01:20:49,971 --> 01:20:52,557 I see my wife in bed with my best friend. 2119 01:20:52,723 --> 01:20:55,560 I say to him, I go, "I have to, but you?" 2120 01:20:55,726 --> 01:20:57,436 - Oh, my God. - How many do you have in here? 2121 01:20:57,603 --> 01:21:00,106 About 1,100. They're single-spaced. 2122 01:21:00,523 --> 01:21:01,857 Sorry, do you mind if I go through them? 2123 01:21:02,024 --> 01:21:04,193 - Bring up the next comedian! - Yeah. Go for it. 2124 01:21:04,360 --> 01:21:05,402 MAN: I'm sure you'll hate him, too. 2125 01:21:05,403 --> 01:21:07,697 - [CROWD CLAPPING WEAKLY] - [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] 2126 01:21:09,323 --> 01:21:10,324 - Move. - [CHUCKLES] 2127 01:21:14,036 --> 01:21:16,372 God. That was fuckin' rough. Shit crowd. 2128 01:21:16,539 --> 01:21:17,873 Yeah, that was it. 2129 01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:20,543 Hey, come on. What's with the quarters? 2130 01:21:20,710 --> 01:21:23,796 Well, I changed the punch line from 46 to 49... 2131 01:21:23,963 --> 01:21:25,798 for the line about the Buick. 2132 01:21:25,965 --> 01:21:27,091 Much bigger laugh, by the way. 2133 01:21:27,258 --> 01:21:29,510 So, that means I only owe you $3.50. 2134 01:21:29,677 --> 01:21:30,678 You want a job? 2135 01:21:30,845 --> 01:21:31,971 That would be great. 2136 01:21:32,138 --> 01:21:33,681 I want a length of rope and a sturdy beam. 2137 01:21:33,848 --> 01:21:35,766 How much do you need to live? 2138 01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:38,144 I make three bucks an hour at my day job. Match it. 2139 01:21:38,311 --> 01:21:40,021 Tell him what you really do. Tell him. 2140 01:21:40,187 --> 01:21:41,439 He's a deli boy. 2141 01:21:41,606 --> 01:21:44,190 Okay? He's a schmuck in a little paper hat... 2142 01:21:44,191 --> 01:21:46,860 who slices the pastrami behind the counter. 2143 01:21:46,861 --> 01:21:48,403 [CHUCKLES] And he can barely do that. 2144 01:21:48,404 --> 01:21:49,697 Tell him what you did to your finger. 2145 01:21:49,947 --> 01:21:51,532 You're hired. Lorne Michaels. 2146 01:21:51,699 --> 01:21:54,493 - Alan. Zweibel. - Are you fucking kidding me? 2147 01:21:54,660 --> 01:21:56,037 You'd be better off buying the pastrami. 2148 01:21:56,203 --> 01:21:57,204 Let's go. 2149 01:21:57,371 --> 01:21:58,580 Wait, what? When do we start? 2150 01:21:58,581 --> 01:22:00,916 Um... Jesus Christ. 2151 01:22:02,418 --> 01:22:04,503 MAN: You can't... You better not leave. 2152 01:22:05,004 --> 01:22:06,546 This is not gonna be good for you. 2153 01:22:06,547 --> 01:22:08,633 I was gonna take you to Reno. 2154 01:22:13,638 --> 01:22:14,597 [GILDA LAUGHING] 2155 01:22:16,641 --> 01:22:18,017 GILDA: Look at that form. 2156 01:22:18,684 --> 01:22:19,894 Beautiful. 2157 01:22:21,604 --> 01:22:22,688 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 2158 01:22:31,030 --> 01:22:32,822 You ever have nostalgia for a moment 2159 01:22:32,823 --> 01:22:34,116 while you're still in it? 2160 01:22:36,494 --> 01:22:38,245 I mean, like... 2161 01:22:39,205 --> 01:22:41,248 You're in the moment, but you're also... 2162 01:22:41,707 --> 01:22:43,709 looking back on it. Like... 2163 01:22:44,794 --> 01:22:47,463 Right now, I'm here, but I'm also... 2164 01:22:47,963 --> 01:22:50,675 thinking about this moment 20 years from now. 2165 01:22:50,841 --> 01:22:52,426 We're walking by this ice rink. 2166 01:22:53,511 --> 01:22:54,762 Maybe it's Christmas... 2167 01:22:54,929 --> 01:22:57,973 and our kids are draggin' us by our pinkies... 2168 01:22:58,432 --> 01:23:01,769 and we got presents loaded on our shoulders... 2169 01:23:02,687 --> 01:23:04,604 and all we can think about is this moment, 2170 01:23:04,605 --> 01:23:06,691 right before we went on TV. 2171 01:23:14,031 --> 01:23:15,407 LORNE: You know, the NBC liability act 2172 01:23:15,408 --> 01:23:16,951 forbids you from ice skating. 2173 01:23:18,285 --> 01:23:19,286 GILDA: I found John. 2174 01:23:19,453 --> 01:23:20,454 LORNE: Oh, excellent work, Gilda. 2175 01:23:20,621 --> 01:23:22,665 JOHN: Good thing I didn't sign my contract. 2176 01:23:25,918 --> 01:23:27,128 LORNE: What's the deal, John? 2177 01:23:29,046 --> 01:23:30,297 You on the show or not? 2178 01:23:35,219 --> 01:23:38,264 The one where I get to dress up like a giant, grotesque bee? 2179 01:23:39,140 --> 01:23:41,267 I don't know. Let me ask my childhood dreams. 2180 01:23:46,230 --> 01:23:48,023 I want to try a triple axel. 2181 01:23:48,566 --> 01:23:50,192 Now we're talkin'. 2182 01:23:50,359 --> 01:23:51,819 How about a single axel? 2183 01:23:52,236 --> 01:23:53,237 Nah. 2184 01:23:54,113 --> 01:23:56,407 I figure I can either pull off the triple... 2185 01:23:57,825 --> 01:23:58,909 or die trying. 2186 01:24:00,035 --> 01:24:01,245 Those are the options? 2187 01:24:07,543 --> 01:24:10,128 [BOTH CHUCKLING] 2188 01:24:10,129 --> 01:24:12,756 Okay, John. I... I... 2189 01:24:12,757 --> 01:24:14,300 I support it. 2190 01:24:21,682 --> 01:24:22,683 Oh, God. 2191 01:24:27,313 --> 01:24:28,147 [EXHALES] 2192 01:24:34,862 --> 01:24:36,697 - He's gonna break something. - Oh, God. 2193 01:24:38,657 --> 01:24:39,991 [GRUNTS, GROANS] 2194 01:24:39,992 --> 01:24:41,075 - Oh, fuck! - Shit. John! 2195 01:24:41,076 --> 01:24:42,161 John? 2196 01:24:42,578 --> 01:24:43,954 - GILDA: John! - LORNE: Fuck! 2197 01:24:44,121 --> 01:24:45,122 Are you okay? 2198 01:24:46,624 --> 01:24:48,626 [GROANING] 2199 01:24:49,710 --> 01:24:51,253 You all right? I yield. 2200 01:24:52,588 --> 01:24:54,131 I accept your surrender. 2201 01:24:54,298 --> 01:24:56,675 Do you want me to help you up? 2202 01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:57,843 No. 2203 01:24:58,928 --> 01:25:00,763 I'm just gonna lie here for a minute. 2204 01:25:02,431 --> 01:25:04,350 Okay, sure. Yeah. 2205 01:25:05,142 --> 01:25:06,769 We have all the time in the world. 2206 01:25:10,648 --> 01:25:12,023 [LORNE CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 2207 01:25:12,024 --> 01:25:14,068 Who is that asshole, anyway? 2208 01:25:15,319 --> 01:25:16,695 It's Prometheus. 2209 01:25:17,780 --> 01:25:19,406 He stole fire from the cauldron of the gods... 2210 01:25:19,573 --> 01:25:22,535 gave it to man, so we could have science and the arts. 2211 01:25:26,455 --> 01:25:28,040 All right. I'm gonna head back up. 2212 01:25:29,250 --> 01:25:30,960 We have a show to put on... 2213 01:25:31,126 --> 01:25:33,087 and I'd like to be there when I get fired. 2214 01:25:34,880 --> 01:25:36,298 I'd hope to see you there, too, John. 2215 01:25:47,852 --> 01:25:48,686 [CRASH] 2216 01:25:57,695 --> 01:25:58,737 - Hey! - LORNE: Hey. 2217 01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:00,739 Heard you needed a quick change for the last act? 2218 01:26:00,906 --> 01:26:01,907 Thank you. 2219 01:26:09,582 --> 01:26:10,916 What should I say when I get up there? 2220 01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:12,626 - How should I know? - You're the writer. 2221 01:26:12,793 --> 01:26:14,211 - You're the talker. - I'm the talker? 2222 01:26:14,378 --> 01:26:16,422 Yeah, you talk the peel off a grape. 2223 01:26:17,506 --> 01:26:18,507 That was funny. 2224 01:26:26,515 --> 01:26:27,557 Rose, I won't be offended 2225 01:26:27,558 --> 01:26:29,184 if you don't want to use my last name. 2226 01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,979 It's not your last name, Lipowitz. 2227 01:26:36,233 --> 01:26:37,275 Whoa! 2228 01:26:37,276 --> 01:26:38,652 Check it out! Full house, right? 2229 01:26:38,819 --> 01:26:39,820 What did you tell them? 2230 01:26:39,987 --> 01:26:41,195 Well, I kind of had to lie a little bit, 2231 01:26:41,196 --> 01:26:42,281 but the vibes are really good. 2232 01:26:42,448 --> 01:26:43,615 Can we start to let them in? 2233 01:26:43,616 --> 01:26:45,618 - Uh... Almost. - All right. 2234 01:26:45,784 --> 01:26:47,368 Five minutes, guys. 10 minutes tops. 2235 01:26:47,369 --> 01:26:48,829 Let's keep these vibes going! 2236 01:26:49,413 --> 01:26:50,956 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] 2237 01:26:55,169 --> 01:26:56,669 - Adequate? - Adequate. 2238 01:26:56,670 --> 01:26:57,796 [DICK CHUCKLES] 2239 01:27:00,674 --> 01:27:03,052 - Can you imagine being first up? - Opening the show and all. 2240 01:27:03,218 --> 01:27:04,219 TOM: Millions of people trying to decide... 2241 01:27:04,386 --> 01:27:06,555 AL: How they want to spend their Saturday night. 2242 01:27:06,722 --> 01:27:08,806 What's the first thing they see? No logo, no intro. 2243 01:27:08,807 --> 01:27:10,266 Nope. Just a close up of your pretty face. 2244 01:27:10,267 --> 01:27:11,643 - Nah. - Nah. Who gives a fuck, right? 2245 01:27:11,644 --> 01:27:12,727 Yeah. It's just a bunch of animals 2246 01:27:12,728 --> 01:27:13,811 watching their lava lamps. 2247 01:27:13,812 --> 01:27:14,896 You're gonna do great. 2248 01:27:14,897 --> 01:27:15,980 - TOM: Yeah. - Fuck off. 2249 01:27:15,981 --> 01:27:17,191 - AL: We're pullin' for you. - TOM: Break a leg! 2250 01:27:20,152 --> 01:27:22,488 You the writer Lorne found in a bar? 2251 01:27:23,238 --> 01:27:24,697 That's a slightly romantic read of the story, 2252 01:27:24,698 --> 01:27:25,866 but, yeah, I guess so. 2253 01:27:26,033 --> 01:27:28,410 All right. Well, jump on in. Water's warm. 2254 01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:29,578 - Okay. - [BELL RINGS] 2255 01:27:29,745 --> 01:27:31,288 Okay. Quiet, please! 2256 01:27:31,455 --> 01:27:34,291 Work stops now. We're holding for a sound check. 2257 01:27:34,458 --> 01:27:35,459 Who wants to do the sound check? 2258 01:27:35,626 --> 01:27:37,586 Garrett! Don't you know a song? 2259 01:27:38,712 --> 01:27:39,546 Hmm? 2260 01:27:41,340 --> 01:27:42,174 [CLEARS THROAT] 2261 01:27:43,759 --> 01:27:45,511 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2262 01:27:48,222 --> 01:27:53,227 ♪ I'm ♪ 2263 01:27:53,394 --> 01:27:55,646 ♪ Gonna ♪ 2264 01:27:56,230 --> 01:27:59,400 ♪ Get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2265 01:27:59,775 --> 01:28:03,487 ♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2266 01:28:03,654 --> 01:28:05,572 ♪ When I kill All the Whities I see ♪ 2267 01:28:05,739 --> 01:28:09,410 ♪ Then Whitey He won't bother me ♪ 2268 01:28:10,536 --> 01:28:13,914 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2269 01:28:14,081 --> 01:28:17,250 ♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2270 01:28:17,251 --> 01:28:18,376 [CHEERING] 2271 01:28:18,377 --> 01:28:21,879 ♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2272 01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:24,008 ♪ When I kill All the Whities I see ♪ 2273 01:28:24,174 --> 01:28:27,928 ♪ Whitey, he won't bother me ♪ 2274 01:28:28,095 --> 01:28:30,472 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I ♪ 2275 01:28:30,639 --> 01:28:32,433 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I ♪ 2276 01:28:32,599 --> 01:28:35,644 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2277 01:28:36,437 --> 01:28:37,770 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 2278 01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:39,815 LORNE: Bravo! Garrett! 2279 01:28:40,274 --> 01:28:42,359 - That was fantastic. - GARRETT: Thank you. 2280 01:28:42,985 --> 01:28:43,986 Thank you. 2281 01:28:44,862 --> 01:28:45,862 LORNE: That was perfect. 2282 01:28:45,863 --> 01:28:47,405 - You have an incredible voice. - GARRETT: You're still not 2283 01:28:47,406 --> 01:28:49,450 - gonna give me no lines. - It was beautiful. 2284 01:28:51,285 --> 01:28:54,163 LORNE: Uh, gentlemen, how long have you been standing there? 2285 01:28:54,621 --> 01:28:55,748 Long enough. 2286 01:28:55,914 --> 01:28:57,041 Lorne, we need to let the audience in. 2287 01:28:57,499 --> 01:28:58,542 No, you don't. 2288 01:29:01,503 --> 01:29:04,006 Perhaps you kids aren't quite ready for prime time. 2289 01:29:04,173 --> 01:29:05,507 What are you talking about? 2290 01:29:05,841 --> 01:29:07,009 Look around, Lorne. 2291 01:29:07,801 --> 01:29:09,344 You haven't locked a script. 2292 01:29:09,928 --> 01:29:10,929 Your actors are missing. 2293 01:29:11,096 --> 01:29:12,431 Your crew is... 2294 01:29:12,806 --> 01:29:14,308 in open rebellion. 2295 01:29:18,729 --> 01:29:20,647 They'd be laughing at you in Burbank. 2296 01:29:22,107 --> 01:29:24,193 Burbank? Excuse me? This is New York fucking City. 2297 01:29:24,359 --> 01:29:25,360 Who's she? 2298 01:29:25,527 --> 01:29:26,653 - She... It's... - It's... I... 2299 01:29:26,820 --> 01:29:29,364 It's complicated. We have a hell of a show. 2300 01:29:29,531 --> 01:29:30,908 We have two bands. 2301 01:29:31,075 --> 01:29:33,118 We have seven of the brightest comedy minds alive. 2302 01:29:33,285 --> 01:29:34,703 You even know where they are? 2303 01:29:34,870 --> 01:29:36,288 Most of them. Yes. 2304 01:29:36,914 --> 01:29:39,541 Maybe we'll just try again next Saturday. 2305 01:29:39,708 --> 01:29:41,251 No. No, no, no. Don't do that. Come on. No. 2306 01:29:41,418 --> 01:29:43,670 Everybody in this room has been killing themselves... 2307 01:29:43,837 --> 01:29:45,172 - to make something special. - I know. 2308 01:29:45,339 --> 01:29:46,673 To make something innovative and actually good... 2309 01:29:46,840 --> 01:29:48,133 - for a change. - "For a change"? 2310 01:29:48,300 --> 01:29:49,676 Don't tell me that you've been doing this so long... 2311 01:29:49,843 --> 01:29:52,721 that you can't even recognize the potential for greatness... 2312 01:29:52,888 --> 01:29:54,640 when it's right in front of your face. 2313 01:29:56,225 --> 01:29:59,019 Do you even know what this show is? Tell me. 2314 01:30:05,025 --> 01:30:07,236 [INHALES DEEPLY] 2315 01:30:09,071 --> 01:30:10,572 It's an all-nighter in the city. 2316 01:30:12,157 --> 01:30:15,077 It's catching Richard Pryor at a drop-in... 2317 01:30:15,244 --> 01:30:18,622 or finding Paul Simon strumming in the back of a dive bar. 2318 01:30:18,789 --> 01:30:20,999 It's meeting a girl outside of a bodega... 2319 01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:23,127 and getting lucky in a phone booth. 2320 01:30:24,211 --> 01:30:25,628 It's everything you think is going to happen 2321 01:30:25,629 --> 01:30:27,589 when you move to the city. That's our show. 2322 01:30:28,048 --> 01:30:29,383 That's Saturday Night. 2323 01:30:29,550 --> 01:30:30,551 TEBET: Show me. 2324 01:30:31,009 --> 01:30:32,010 Show you what? 2325 01:30:32,177 --> 01:30:33,594 Show me Saturday Night. 2326 01:30:33,595 --> 01:30:34,762 We go live in less than 10 minutes. 2327 01:30:34,763 --> 01:30:35,847 10 minutes! 2328 01:30:35,848 --> 01:30:37,307 No, you don't! 2329 01:30:39,810 --> 01:30:40,936 Show me. 2330 01:30:49,778 --> 01:30:53,156 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2331 01:30:53,157 --> 01:30:57,119 ♪ Mr. Trouble Never hangs around ♪ 2332 01:30:57,286 --> 01:31:01,498 ♪ When he hears This Mighty sound ♪ 2333 01:31:01,665 --> 01:31:04,710 ♪ Here I come to save the day ♪ 2334 01:31:04,877 --> 01:31:08,714 ♪ That means that Mighty Mouse Is on the way ♪ 2335 01:31:09,131 --> 01:31:12,676 ♪ So, though we are In danger, we never despair ♪ 2336 01:31:12,843 --> 01:31:14,553 ♪ 'Cause we know That where there's danger ♪ 2337 01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:16,555 - ♪ He is there ♪ - ♪ He is there ♪ 2338 01:31:16,722 --> 01:31:17,723 ♪ On the land ♪ 2339 01:31:17,890 --> 01:31:20,976 ♪ On the sea, in the air ♪ 2340 01:31:21,143 --> 01:31:24,813 ♪ We're not worrying at all ♪ 2341 01:31:24,980 --> 01:31:28,525 ♪ We're just listening For his call ♪ 2342 01:31:28,942 --> 01:31:32,237 ♪ Here I come to save the day ♪ 2343 01:31:32,696 --> 01:31:35,781 ♪ That means that Mighty Mouse Is on the way ♪ 2344 01:31:35,782 --> 01:31:37,868 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 2345 01:31:42,414 --> 01:31:44,874 Andy, you're a genius. Now save your voice. 2346 01:31:44,875 --> 01:31:46,168 [DRUM ROLL] 2347 01:31:47,211 --> 01:31:48,420 Pull up Weekend Update. 2348 01:31:48,587 --> 01:31:51,006 JOE: We're movin' to Weekend Update, let's go! 2349 01:31:51,506 --> 01:31:52,841 - Hey. - You take it. 2350 01:31:53,467 --> 01:31:54,927 - What do you mean? - The show needs a face. 2351 01:31:55,093 --> 01:31:56,094 Are you sure? 2352 01:31:56,470 --> 01:31:58,472 You were born for this. Trust me. 2353 01:31:59,264 --> 01:32:00,766 Should I make up a name for the news anchor? 2354 01:32:00,933 --> 01:32:02,976 LORNE: Use Chevy Chase. No one will believe it. 2355 01:32:05,812 --> 01:32:07,898 Hey, remember this. When you... 2356 01:32:08,065 --> 01:32:09,441 look into the lens... 2357 01:32:09,608 --> 01:32:11,693 you're making eye contact with America. 2358 01:32:12,986 --> 01:32:14,446 DON: And now... 2359 01:32:14,613 --> 01:32:17,366 Weekend Update with Chevy Chase! 2360 01:32:25,082 --> 01:32:26,083 Hey, doll. 2361 01:32:26,583 --> 01:32:27,583 What are you wearing? 2362 01:32:27,584 --> 01:32:29,043 [PEOPLE CHUCKLING] 2363 01:32:29,044 --> 01:32:30,670 Is that why I hear purring? 2364 01:32:30,671 --> 01:32:32,004 [LAUGHTER] 2365 01:32:32,005 --> 01:32:33,382 What do you got for me? 2366 01:32:33,548 --> 01:32:34,549 It's my favorite. 2367 01:32:36,969 --> 01:32:37,970 Okay, great. 2368 01:32:40,055 --> 01:32:41,056 Good... [CLEARS THROAT] 2369 01:32:41,223 --> 01:32:42,933 Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase. 2370 01:32:43,267 --> 01:32:44,351 The Post Office announced today... 2371 01:32:44,518 --> 01:32:47,062 that it's going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution... 2372 01:32:47,229 --> 01:32:48,438 in the United States. 2373 01:32:48,605 --> 01:32:49,606 It's a 10-cent stamp... 2374 01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,817 but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter. 2375 01:32:52,317 --> 01:32:53,318 [LAUGHTER] 2376 01:32:54,528 --> 01:32:55,737 [CHEERING] 2377 01:32:56,738 --> 01:32:58,698 All right, everyone. Eight minutes till showtime! 2378 01:32:58,699 --> 01:33:00,033 [BELL RINGING] 2379 01:33:00,784 --> 01:33:01,785 Open the doors! 2380 01:33:01,952 --> 01:33:02,953 Oh, thank God. 2381 01:33:03,954 --> 01:33:06,206 Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston. 2382 01:33:06,915 --> 01:33:08,708 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2383 01:33:08,709 --> 01:33:11,044 Right this way, folks. You're in for a real treat. 2384 01:33:11,753 --> 01:33:12,754 Yeah! 2385 01:33:16,383 --> 01:33:18,677 ♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪ 2386 01:33:20,053 --> 01:33:21,430 ♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪ 2387 01:33:21,722 --> 01:33:22,973 BARBARA: Lorne, remember Carl? 2388 01:33:23,140 --> 01:33:25,600 Carl? Ooh, Carl! Have you ever used one of these before? 2389 01:33:25,767 --> 01:33:26,852 Not-a once. 2390 01:33:27,019 --> 01:33:28,395 You'll pick it up in no time. 2391 01:33:29,229 --> 01:33:30,689 ♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪ 2392 01:33:31,064 --> 01:33:32,316 ♪ If you wanna be with me ♪ 2393 01:33:39,781 --> 01:33:41,450 Come on, guys. Grab a brick! 2394 01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:43,910 ♪ I'm not tryin' To be your hero ♪ 2395 01:33:45,245 --> 01:33:48,790 ♪ 'Cause that zero Is too cold for me, ha ♪ 2396 01:33:51,084 --> 01:33:52,836 ♪ I'm not tryin' To be your highness ♪ 2397 01:33:53,086 --> 01:33:54,296 Heard you needed pages. 2398 01:33:55,047 --> 01:33:56,256 Oh, thanks, Mike. 2399 01:34:01,887 --> 01:34:02,888 Oh, no. 2400 01:34:07,559 --> 01:34:09,728 Dick, question. What is a "golden shower"? 2401 01:34:10,437 --> 01:34:13,190 - Oh. Uh... It's a yoga ritual... - Mmm... 2402 01:34:13,357 --> 01:34:14,441 ...in which practitioners... 2403 01:34:14,608 --> 01:34:18,319 greet the new day by allowing the golden rays of sun to... 2404 01:34:18,320 --> 01:34:19,737 - Shower. - Over their skin 2405 01:34:19,738 --> 01:34:20,821 - and warm their chakras. - Mmm. 2406 01:34:20,822 --> 01:34:22,406 - It's a California thing. - Mmm. 2407 01:34:22,407 --> 01:34:24,242 I've had at least 50 golden showers. 2408 01:34:24,701 --> 01:34:25,743 You heard him, Joan. 2409 01:34:25,744 --> 01:34:27,162 Sign the damn script. We're going to air. 2410 01:34:32,626 --> 01:34:34,795 ♪ Nothin' from nothin' Leaves nothin' ♪ 2411 01:34:36,463 --> 01:34:39,341 ♪ You gotta have somethin' If you wanna be with me ♪ 2412 01:34:41,885 --> 01:34:44,596 ♪ Don't you remember I told ya ♪ 2413 01:34:45,305 --> 01:34:47,432 ♪ That I'm a soldier On the war on poverty ♪ 2414 01:34:48,100 --> 01:34:50,477 Smith and Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum. 2415 01:34:50,644 --> 01:34:52,646 - Wallie, you son of a bitch! - Hey, you asked. 2416 01:34:52,813 --> 01:34:54,773 Wallie, my man. You got something for me? 2417 01:34:55,690 --> 01:34:56,775 Yes, you do. 2418 01:34:57,275 --> 01:34:59,276 George, I wanted to apologize for how you were treated... 2419 01:34:59,277 --> 01:35:00,362 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 2420 01:35:01,154 --> 01:35:02,238 - Are you having a stroke? - [GROANING] 2421 01:35:02,239 --> 01:35:03,698 - You need more coke? - [GROANS] 2422 01:35:05,200 --> 01:35:06,201 Danny! 2423 01:35:14,918 --> 01:35:16,753 Hurry up. Come on, faster. 2424 01:35:17,546 --> 01:35:18,547 Watch your fingers. 2425 01:35:26,680 --> 01:35:28,140 Oh, boy. Lockjaw! 2426 01:35:28,682 --> 01:35:29,807 It's too much cocaine, 2427 01:35:29,808 --> 01:35:31,100 it's seizing up the old mandibulars. 2428 01:35:31,101 --> 01:35:32,936 Let's get some finger love in there, huh? 2429 01:35:33,103 --> 01:35:34,938 Yep. Just a little bit of this, you'll be fine. 2430 01:35:35,105 --> 01:35:36,273 - Okay, great. - There we go. 2431 01:35:37,149 --> 01:35:38,232 [ALL GIGGLING] 2432 01:35:38,233 --> 01:35:39,317 Hey! 2433 01:35:46,450 --> 01:35:47,659 Here we go! 2434 01:35:48,410 --> 01:35:49,578 ♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪ 2435 01:35:51,621 --> 01:35:53,707 ♪ Nothin' from nothin Hey, now ♪ 2436 01:35:55,709 --> 01:35:56,876 ♪ Yeah ♪ 2437 01:35:56,877 --> 01:35:58,586 ♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪ 2438 01:35:58,587 --> 01:35:59,879 LORNE: Can you get in that wig in 30 seconds? 2439 01:35:59,880 --> 01:36:01,547 - DAN: You got it, boss. - Has Henson got his pages? 2440 01:36:01,548 --> 01:36:02,631 He loves them. 2441 01:36:02,632 --> 01:36:04,091 - And will that crane get there? - It'll happen. 2442 01:36:04,092 --> 01:36:06,178 - Did you trim the fat on that? - Already on cue cards. 2443 01:36:06,595 --> 01:36:08,471 Laraine, I don't think you can make the change in... 2444 01:36:08,472 --> 01:36:09,431 [RIPS] 2445 01:36:11,808 --> 01:36:13,017 - [MAN WHISTLES] - LORNE: Whoa. 2446 01:36:13,018 --> 01:36:14,227 I stand corrected. 2447 01:36:14,436 --> 01:36:15,645 Is that our show? 2448 01:36:16,188 --> 01:36:18,190 - That's our show. - JOE: Three minutes! 2449 01:36:18,565 --> 01:36:19,566 Yeah. 2450 01:36:22,777 --> 01:36:23,778 MAN: Last one. 2451 01:36:23,945 --> 01:36:26,822 - Last one. Get it in. Finally! - Yes! Come on! 2452 01:36:26,823 --> 01:36:28,909 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 2453 01:36:31,286 --> 01:36:34,747 Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston! 2454 01:36:34,748 --> 01:36:36,833 [ALL CHEERING] 2455 01:37:00,315 --> 01:37:02,983 Photo! Photo! I want a photo! Come on, family photo! 2456 01:37:02,984 --> 01:37:04,777 JOE: No, no, no. We're at two minutes. There's no time! 2457 01:37:04,778 --> 01:37:06,362 GILDA: No, come on. It'll never be the same 2458 01:37:06,363 --> 01:37:07,947 - after this. Come on. - JOE: Fuck! 2459 01:37:07,948 --> 01:37:10,450 I'm not leaving until I get my photo. Come on. 2460 01:37:10,617 --> 01:37:12,327 JOE: I guess everybody go ahead then. 2461 01:37:13,537 --> 01:37:14,913 Do we have a camera? 2462 01:37:16,831 --> 01:37:17,832 - I have a camera. - JOE: Just quickly. 2463 01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:19,376 GILDA: Great. Yes! Come here. 2464 01:37:27,926 --> 01:37:30,136 All right. 60 seconds. Come on, everyone. 2465 01:37:30,303 --> 01:37:32,221 - Let's go, please. - GARRETT: After you, after you. 2466 01:37:32,222 --> 01:37:33,431 JOE: One minute. Let's go to work. 2467 01:37:39,271 --> 01:37:40,772 LORNE: What are we using him for again? 2468 01:37:40,939 --> 01:37:42,816 - ROSIE: I don't really remember. - LORNE: Sorry. 2469 01:37:43,692 --> 01:37:44,693 Thanks. 2470 01:37:44,859 --> 01:37:47,237 - Mmm, mmm, mmm. - Rocky, wake up. 2471 01:37:47,487 --> 01:37:48,655 Hey, hey, name. 2472 01:37:50,657 --> 01:37:52,617 Rosie, we need your last name for the credits. 2473 01:37:53,618 --> 01:37:54,869 - Shuster. - Shuster. 2474 01:38:00,333 --> 01:38:02,043 30 seconds! 2475 01:38:02,210 --> 01:38:04,087 Hey, can we get a mic check, please? 2476 01:38:05,672 --> 01:38:07,424 MICHAEL: One, two... 2477 01:38:08,300 --> 01:38:09,301 three. 2478 01:38:09,467 --> 01:38:10,885 Somebody's got the yips. 2479 01:38:11,052 --> 01:38:12,470 - JOE: 20 seconds. - DAVE: Is Carlin in costume? 2480 01:38:12,762 --> 01:38:14,514 Yep, they settled on a T-shirt and jacket. 2481 01:38:14,681 --> 01:38:16,474 Mr. Carlin, may we get a mic check? 2482 01:38:16,641 --> 01:38:17,684 GEORGE: One, two, fuck you. 2483 01:38:17,851 --> 01:38:18,852 Subtle. 2484 01:38:19,019 --> 01:38:20,228 Carson's still cued for dead roll? 2485 01:38:20,395 --> 01:38:21,646 Are we going live or going to tape? 2486 01:38:26,526 --> 01:38:28,320 Pre-roll on VTR-14. 2487 01:38:29,654 --> 01:38:30,655 JOE: 10 seconds. 2488 01:38:32,741 --> 01:38:33,908 DAVE: Ready camera two. 2489 01:38:34,367 --> 01:38:35,452 Ready on the fade. 2490 01:38:35,785 --> 01:38:36,953 {\an8}JOE: Five, four... 2491 01:38:37,120 --> 01:38:38,704 Are we going live or going to tape? 2492 01:38:38,705 --> 01:38:40,123 JOE: ...three, two... 2493 01:38:41,708 --> 01:38:42,709 Go live. 2494 01:38:42,876 --> 01:38:44,294 - Okay, go live. - Go live. Live, live. Go live. 2495 01:38:44,461 --> 01:38:47,047 DAVE: Fade up. [CHUCKLES] And we are live. 2496 01:38:48,423 --> 01:38:49,466 [CHUCKLES WEAKLY] 2497 01:38:52,510 --> 01:38:54,095 Ready camera one. Take camera one. 2498 01:38:54,262 --> 01:38:55,263 BARBARA: Cue Belushi. 2499 01:38:58,308 --> 01:38:59,351 Cue John. 2500 01:38:59,517 --> 01:39:01,102 - Where's John? - AUDREY: Where the hell is he? 2501 01:39:01,269 --> 01:39:02,520 DAVE: Cue John. 2502 01:39:19,412 --> 01:39:20,872 [BREATH TREMBLING] 2503 01:39:21,831 --> 01:39:23,124 [DOOR OPENS] 2504 01:39:25,418 --> 01:39:26,419 [EXHALES] 2505 01:39:37,681 --> 01:39:38,682 Good evening. 2506 01:39:38,848 --> 01:39:39,849 JOHN: Good evening. 2507 01:39:40,392 --> 01:39:41,726 Hey, get closer. 2508 01:39:44,229 --> 01:39:46,231 Good evening. 2509 01:39:47,607 --> 01:39:49,901 Good evening. 2510 01:39:51,695 --> 01:39:53,779 Good evening. 2511 01:39:53,780 --> 01:39:55,489 [LAUGHTER] 2512 01:39:55,490 --> 01:39:56,616 MICHAEL: Let us begin. 2513 01:39:57,200 --> 01:39:59,244 Repeat after me. 2514 01:40:01,413 --> 01:40:03,415 - "I would like... - I would like... 2515 01:40:04,416 --> 01:40:05,792 "...to feed your fingertips... 2516 01:40:05,959 --> 01:40:08,044 JOHN: ...to feed your fingertips... 2517 01:40:09,379 --> 01:40:10,422 "...to the wolverines." 2518 01:40:10,588 --> 01:40:12,048 ...to the wolverines. 2519 01:40:13,508 --> 01:40:16,636 - MICHAEL: Next, "I am afraid... - I am afraid... 2520 01:40:17,178 --> 01:40:18,179 "...we are out... 2521 01:40:18,346 --> 01:40:19,347 ...we are out... 2522 01:40:19,931 --> 01:40:21,807 - "...of badgers." - ...of badgers. 2523 01:40:21,808 --> 01:40:23,392 [LAUGHTER] 2524 01:40:23,393 --> 01:40:24,477 MICHAEL: "Would you accept... 2525 01:40:25,103 --> 01:40:26,354 JOHN: Would you accept... 2526 01:40:26,521 --> 01:40:28,398 - MICHAEL: "...a wolverine... - ...a wolverine... 2527 01:40:29,524 --> 01:40:31,525 - "...in its place?" - ...in its place? 2528 01:40:31,526 --> 01:40:32,777 [LAUGHTER] 2529 01:40:33,903 --> 01:40:36,030 MICHAEL: Next. "'Hey!' Ned exclaimed." 2530 01:40:36,531 --> 01:40:37,906 "Hey!" Ned exclaimed. 2531 01:40:37,907 --> 01:40:39,159 [LAUGHTER] 2532 01:40:41,202 --> 01:40:42,245 MICHAEL: "Let's boil... 2533 01:40:42,412 --> 01:40:43,872 JOHN: Let's boil... 2534 01:40:44,038 --> 01:40:46,499 - "...the wolverines." - ...the wolverines. 2535 01:40:47,959 --> 01:40:49,502 Next... [GASPS] 2536 01:40:52,505 --> 01:40:53,506 [THUD] 2537 01:40:58,970 --> 01:40:59,804 [GASPS] 2538 01:41:00,305 --> 01:41:02,307 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 2539 01:41:19,574 --> 01:41:22,326 Live from New York. It's Saturday Night! 2540 01:41:22,327 --> 01:41:24,287 [CHEERING] 2541 01:41:24,412 --> 01:41:26,414 [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] 2542 01:48:55,279 --> 01:48:56,613 {\an8}BILLY: Ah! 2543 01:48:56,614 --> 01:48:57,907 {\an8}All right, we're going to do it again. 2544 01:48:58,074 --> 01:49:00,576 {\an8}Now we got it. Now we got it. Go back. Go back. 187599

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.