All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S10E17.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb.en

[Adult Adam] Back in the '80s,
nothing was more important

to my brother
than Flyers hockey.

When they made it
to the Stanley Cup Finals,

he knew exactly who to thank--
himself.

Because of my hard work

and unwavering dedication
to the Flyers,

they are now on the precipice
of becoming world champions.

- Your hard work?
- Who else has suited up

for every game
in their quasi-officially
sanctioned T-shirt,

stretched, ready to go,

with two orange popsicles
in a bowl, always to the side?

I've seen this
in sports films.

Superstitious nutballs think
they somehow control

the outcome
of the game,

so they repeat the behavior
in hopes of another win.

Well, in my very special case,
it works.

No one believes that.

Yes, my baby helped
the Flyers win.

I'm as proud as the mothers
of the players

I will be sitting with
during the victory parade.

You do you,
I guess.

But why are the rest of us
involved in these antics?

In addition to all I will do
to help the Flyers win,
here's what you will do.

Since the beginning
of the season,

I've been tracking all
your behaviors during games

to see if they help
or hurt the Flyers.

You've been
watching us?

I watch you all, too.

It's not weird.
Go on, Barry.

Mom,
let's start with you.

Ah, I'm number one on your list
and in your heart.

For the last
seven victories,

you served us food
that was black and/or orange.

The colors of your team.

And construction signs
and monarch butterflies
and Garfield.

It's all random nonsense.

Thus, everything we consume
from here-to-forth

must be black or orange.

For my superstitious Schmoo,
I'll make it happen.

Oh! I'm part
of his life. Ha!

Wait,
we have to eat carrots

and licorice
for every meal

just to placate
this lunatic?

Look who's too good
to eat garbage.

When I was your age,
I ate my own clothes,
and I loved it.

Which brings me
to Pop-Pop.

I'm afraid you're not allowed
in the house during the finals.

- What are you
yammering about?
- The research shows

when you're
on the premises, we lose.

- Facts matter.
- Yeah, but it's
cold outside.

Where am I gonna go?

I've already enlisted
Ginzy and Essie

to take turns hosting you
at their homes.

Oh, a couple of broads
are detaining me.
Not too shabby.

They fought me on it. Hard.

You're not
the belle of the ball
you think you are.

I hope your team loses.

Now, we come to Adam.

Sweet, precious Adam.

- No water!
- [cup clatters]

That was your water.

It was
for dramatic effect.

You will not allow nature's
tears to touch your lips

for the entirety
of the Flyers playoff run.

And why, exactly?

Last Tuesday, you took a sip
and Rick Tocchet

got a two-minute penalty
for slashing.

You were also breathing,
but I'm not unreasonable.

I'm definitely gonna
drink water.

Thought you
might say that.

Is this you holding up a knife
to Optimus Prime?

And you'll never see him again
unless you do what I say.

It's like five bucks.
I'll get a new one.

Well, can you replace
all your Transformers?

My babies!

Fine! I'll drink soda all day,
every day!

- Ya happy?
- Not yet.

- You also can't change
your underwear.
- What?

When you don your current
tighty-whities, the Flyers win.
It's just math.

How do you
even know that?
[breathing heavily]

On second thought,
never tell me.

I made Doritos
and Oreo tops.

[Barry] Yes!

Our championship run
starts now.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

[Adult Adam]
It was spring 1980-something,

and Erica and Geoff
were packing up baby Muriel

for a day with
Grammy Linda and Grampy Lou.

Ooh, Goodnight Moon.

The perfect sleepy-time book
for any baby.

And some emotionally
in-touch dads.

It's not like Muriel needs
anything to help her

fall asleep
at your parents' house.

- What's that supposed
to mean?
- A day with your parents

isn't exactly baby Mardi Gras.

They just plop her down
in front
of a boring documentary

or have her watch your dad
as he counts out
his afternoon prunes.

Six prunes.

It's only a small part
of the day.

And they have some fun toys
over there.

You mean like that one wooden
spoon and Lou's car keys?

Car keys to you,
but with a baby's imagination,

they open the door
to wonder.

And that strange cedar box
in his closet.

What's in there, Papa?

When my mom has the baby,
they go to the park,

the museum,
the petting zoo.

And then
she puts together

a photo album
of the whole thing.

Sure, they're clearly
treasured keepsakes,

but your mom also gets way
more time with the baby.

Like every day.

Unlike your parents, my mom
plans active, fun things to do.

It's cool.
It's important for Muriel
to learn that some days

are total snooze-fests.

I can assure you that today,

our daughter
will be living it up

in the streets
with the people.

I don't think I've ever seen
your dad in sunlight,

but I definitely believe
your hollow words, sweetie.

There's our granddaughter
we never see.

Look at her, Linda.
She's all grown up.

Does she even remember
who we are?

Muriel,
I'm your father's mother.

I get it. You'd like
to see her more,

but she's here now.

So, what fun
and exciting things

are you gonna do
with her today?

We're in the middle
of a 15-part documentary

on the Civil War.

But we wouldn't mind
starting over for the baby.

Your mother slept through
all of the burning of Atlanta.

Maybe less sitting on
the couch, being horrified,

and more being out
in the world?

Well, your father
is getting into

still-life photography.

I bet Muriel
would love to see

my "Fruits of the Americas"
series.

The light
dancing on a plum

will make you think
there's a God.

Pictures of second-tier fruit?
That's all you got?

Why are you
yelling at us?

Because Erica
has this idea

that you guys don't do
a lot with the baby,

and frankly, she's right.

We do
all sorts of stuff.

Linda, get my keys.

And throw caution
to the wind.

Grab the wooden spoon, too.

Oh, my God. Beverly
is crushing you guys.

It's not a competition.

It really is,
and you're losing badly.

Take her to a museum,
to the park, to swim.

And take some photos
of your granddaughter,
not purple fruit.

Plums actually come
in a variety of hues.

Yes, they are a beautiful
and diverse species,
but now is not the time.

I think we get it.
Right, Lou?

- For sure.
- Mmm-hmm.

Just like the Union soldiers
at Bull Run,

we will not
let you down.

- They lost that one.
- Huh?

- I guess
I fell asleep, too.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Plum juice
is also a sedative.
- Be better.

[Adult Adam]
While Geoff convinced his
parents to get off the couch,

Vic was shooing people
away from them.

Whatever you do,
do not buy that sofa bed.

It is shoddily made
by child laborers

and filled with asbestos
and mercury.

- Uh, Vic?
- Hmm?

I'm no salesman, but what
the [bleep] are you doing?

I'm freaking out.
That's what I'm doing.

It's all because of that
stupid commercial.

- Commercial?
- You really don't know?

Oh, Beverly, come
and witness the horror.

[dramatic music plays]

The horror.

Hello,
Greater Philadelphia.

Do you love the Flyers?

Because I-I know I do.

I'm from Edmonton,
a lifelong Oilers fan.

The Ottoman Empire is so
committed to seeing our Flyers

go all the way that we
promise to give you 100% back

on your purchase if our boys
win the Stanley Cup.

A hundred percent?!

That's all the percents!

That's right, random loyal
customer whom I've never met.

We'll give you a full refund
on items such as...

bureaus...

headboards...
Ow.

...or the bean bag
of your dreams.

So come on down to
the Ottoman Empire

and get your furniture
for free!

[remote clicks]

All their money back?

Why would you
say such a thing?

I gotta say it brought in
a lot of people,

but against all odds,
the Flyers just kept winning.

So we lose a couple of bucks.
How bad can it be?

If we have to give all
that money back,

there's no way that
we're gonna be able to
keep the store afloat.

But my son needs
his team to win.

Your son needs his mama
to keep a roof over her head!

Stop yelling at me!
You're the one that threw us
into financial chaos.

I-I'm sorry.
I-I-I'm not doing well.

My hair
is turning white!

- What are we gonna do?
- For one thing, you are gonna
keep your mouth shut.

Barry cannot
know any of this.

And who knows?
Maybe the Flyers will lose.

You're right.
It could be okay.

It will be okay.
[chuckles]

[Adult Adam] While Vic
was in big trouble,

Lou and Linda
had no trouble at all

showing their granddaughter
a good time.

We've triumphantly
returned!

From a day on the couch?
Nice.

Au contraire, Erica.

We adventured to
The Academy of Natural Sciences
and saw a T. rex.

Both Muriel and Lou
were terrified.

God destroyed those demons
for a reason.

Guys, I gotta say,
I'm impressed.

Well, prepare yourself
to be wowed

because we also took her
to the zoo.

And the "Rocky Steps."

Wow.
You sort of did it.

And perhaps they're worthy
of a little more

of Muriel's time
and attention?

They really are.
I mean, look at her.

She is zonked
from her amazing day out.

I'm gonna go
put her down.

Well done, guys.

- [both sigh]
- Oh, my God.

That was the longest day
of my life.

Who walks that much?

Blood is filling
my socks.

And the sun.

It sucked me dry
like a juice box.

This is how it ends.
I can say it now.

I never liked
your sister.

Oh, you guys
are still here?

Just basking in the glory
of our magical day.

About that--
Muriel's free again tomorrow

if you want another day
of fun in the sun.

Tomorrow?

The shortest
amount of time

possible between now
and forever?

This is a pretty big step,
you guys.
So what do you say?

- Happy to do it.
- Our pleasure.

[Lou and Linda chuckle]

We are so
[bleep] Linda.

I know it.

[Adult Adam]
As Lou and Linda
were tormented by their win,

Barry's Flyers
were heading for a loss.

No!

[sighs]

- Mom, what are you doing?
- We lost.

Right.
We did lose.

Um, and I'm so upset
that I feel like

I need to dance away
the pain.

We all grieve differently,
I guess.

Indeed. Well, ugh,
the dancing worked.

So now that it's all over,
I guess we can go back

to our lives of financial
stability, huh?

Oh, it's not over.

This is just the first game.
It's a best-of-seven series.

So, you're saying
the Flyers actually have
a shot at winning?

You know it.
I'm as hopeful as you.

Yes, I'm hopeful.
You're hopeful.

Who cares about
the specifics?

That woman is my rock.

More importantly, this proves
all your silly superstitions
had zero effect,

so I'm just gonna drink some
agua and freshen up my BVDs.

Oh, not so fast.

Stop being such
a prima donna.

In 12 days, you can drink
as much water as you want.

My underwear isn't holding up
to the rigorous grind

of a young man
in the world.

I had a homeless gentleman
move away from me on the bus.

Just turn it
inside out

and buy yourself
four more days.

'Cause it doesn't make sense.
We did everything right.

What's this one
going on about?

Pop-Pop?
What are you doing here?

Oh, there he is.

Ben,
you ran off on us.

Your house
makes my skin itch.

Well, you said
you weren't allergic

to my Cavalier
King Charles Spaniels.

Not your dumb mutts,
the decor.

Who puts plates
on the walls?

They're decorative ceramics.

Even I think they're
a little too much.

You have a Navajo rug
on your wall.

It's not a rug.
It's a tapestry.

If you can vacuum it,
it's a rug.

Enough hilarious
in-fighting.

Pop-Pop's presence
is clearly why the Flyers lost.

But the good news is
it's easily fixed.

No! Bar, I can't do
this anymore!

My crotch feels like
the swamp where Yoda
taught Luke how to Jedi.

Colorful stuff.
The briefs stay on.

Now take the old man away!

By force, if necessary.

No, I'm not comfortable
with that.

- On it.
- Please, no!

They drink milk
with dinner,

and everyone has to stay at the
table till they're finished.

[Adult Adam] And so,
for the next few days,

Barry did everything
exactly right.

Let's go!

And what do you know?
It seemed to work.

The Flyers started to win.

Goal!

Yeah.

And win again.

[triumphant music plays]

No, the Flyers weren't
always victorious,

but when they lost,

well, there was
a perfectly good reason for it.

Wait a second.

How the hell did this
get in there?

Wait, wh-- How did that
get in there?

- [grunts]
- It's so weird.

Don't worry, Mama.

We're gonna win this,
and when we do,

it's gonna be the best thing
that's ever happened to me...

- and therefore you.
- Oh, for sure.

Your happiness is absolutely
my only priority.

Vic, we're gonna make
the Flyers lose.

Oh, good.

I was waiting for you
to come up
with a practical solution.

[Adult Adam]
Lou and Linda were trying
to psych themselves up

for another day with Muriel,
but it wasn't going great.

Okay, we have been
doing nothing
with the baby for a while.

The ice is doing bupkus
for my swollen feet.

I think that that's just
how they are, sweetie.

I don't need judgment.
And what are you drinking?

This is a sports-themed
beverage.

It's going to give me
Michael Jordan's ability

to not die while
pushing a stroller.

Let me sample
this neon juice.

- [chuckles]
- [smacks lips]

Dammit, that's nice
on the tongue.

I drank three of these
yellow boys,

and I just want to lay
on the floor.

But we promised the kids

we'd take the baby
apple picking.

If only there were
some magical shortcut

that didn't involve
our limbs.

Why schlep all over Philadelphia

when all we need
is the evidence that we did?

Grab an apple,

hold the baby in front
of the ficus.

- And boom,
we're apple picking!
- Brilliant!

But how are we
going to pretend

that we went
to the pool at the JCC?

Fill the damn tub, Linda.

Why do I have to be both
the brains and the brawn?

[Adult Adam]
While the Schwartzes weren't
above using trick photography,

my mom was about
to sink to a new low.

Hello there,
Mr. Flyers General Manager.

How did you get in here?

Oh. Just one of my many
charming attributes.

I'm Beverly Goldberg,

matriarch of the first
family of Jenkintown

and part owner
of the Ottoman Empire
furniture store.

Oh, yeah.
I'm about to get
my money back

from a bedroom set
I bought there.

The hell you will.

Mr. General Manager,

what is the one thing we know
for sure about Flyers fans?

- Win or lose,
they set things on fire?
- Exactly.

They're
an understanding bunch.

So if they
knew that a local

mom-and-pop shop
was in trouble

and that one teensy-weensy
loss from the Flyers

would solve
all their problems--

heck, don't you think
those fans

would root
for you to lose?

Are you crazy?

Our fans want us to win,
no matter what.

Beverly, I told you
he'd be unreasonable.

Relax, Vic.
We're on to plan B.

Would you please pass
this casserole

along to the team
for me?

It seems like you want
the Flyers to lose,

so you're gonna
poison our players?

- He's onto us.
- Wait, what?

Vic, you're not supposed
to eat the casserole.

I'm not making good choices
this year.

Please leave.

Thank you
for your time.

[Adult Adam]
While my mom had failed
to con the Flyers,

Lou and Linda were working
on a scheme of their own.

Hello!
[chuckles]

We've returned again

from a day
of cherished memories

and treasured experiences.

It's true.
I've got the proof.

I mean the pictures,
which are proof

that a totally real,
fun time was had by all.

- You guys are being weird.
- You're being weird.

Concentrate on the
photographic evidence, son.

Muriel went swimming?

Obviously.
She's clearly in water.

By herself?
Was one of you
in the pool with her?

Uhhh, no?

She's a baby.
She can't swim.

It was
the shallow end!

You're focusing
on the wrong thing.

I'm focusing on the corner
of the picture,

and it looks like there's
a bottle of Head and Shoulders.

That's the lifeguard stand.

Now, take
an impossibly quick look

at the pic of her
at the Liberty Bell.

Why does it look like
you guys just held her up

in front of a Taco Bell
magazine ad?

Next pic.
The apple orchard.

Okay, that's clearly the ficus
I got you for your birthday.

W-What's going on?

Geoffrey,
climb out of our asses.

Because our
tireless bodies

are completely capable
of anything.

You know what?

I think you faked
these pictures,

and I think you
don't have the energy

to take care
of our child.

I can't believe you'd
accuse us of such a thing.

- Okay, Dad, do a single
jumping jack.
- Excuse me?

Prove to us that
you have the energy.

Just do one
jumping jack.

Easy-peasy.

Do it, hon.

Just blast out a double J
and show these fools!

♪

Fine!

We faked it!

This "go get 'em" lifestyle
is unsustainable!

I'm sorry.

We just love
our granddaughter

and want to spend
more time with her.

Sure, sure.
We'll see.

That means no.
We lost, Linda.

I'll see you two out.

Yeah,
you're gonna have to

because we need help
getting into the car.

♪

You should give your in-laws
another chance.

Pop-Pop,
you're mixing in?

Yeah, when I need to,
which is hopefully
never again.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying every grandparent
is different.

Well,
mine certainly were.

Pops was super involved
and active, and you were...

I know.
A giant bagel.

I wouldn't say that.

I used to love going over
to your house,

and you would just
put on Motown records.

I would sing and dance
while you sat on the couch

and rolled pennies, remember?

Who could forget?

It's kinda where
I first fell in love
with being a singer.

Wait.

Were you, in your own way,
encouraging me?

Eh, you liked tunes.
I threw them on.

So you're saying you get
different things

from different people?

I would've said it
differently, but, uh...

[Adult Adam]
While Pop-Pop tried to buy some
sympathy for Lou and Linda,

Barry caught a commercial
that made him feel terrible.

...free, when the Flyers
win it all.

Oh, no.

So come on down
to the Ottoman Empire...

- How bad is it?
- It's not bad.

Just a-a teensy-tiny
smidge of a bother.

Vic, how bad?

Interesting question.

- [sighs]
- Okay, here it is.

If the Flyers
win tomorrow,

we will definitely lose
our house and everything in it.

Well, this is quite disappointing.

I know you want
your team to win.

No, the idea that
you couldn't tell me.

Do you really think I'm such
a child I couldn't handle it?

I mean, you do tend
to be emotionally... gifted.

I may care deeply
about the Flyers,

but believe it or not,
I care about my family more.

- Barry...
- Don't.

I'll be upstairs,
not watching the game I love.

♪

[Adult Adam] It was Game 7
of the Stanley Cup Finals,

and no matter the outcome,
Barry couldn't win.

But my mom refused to go down
without a fight.

You were right.
I should have been
honest with you.

You are definitely
old enough to handle it.

Damn right I am.

It's just I kinda
don't want you to be.

You're all adults now,

which means
you don't need me

to protect you
from the world.

Mom.

Look at me.

We don't need you.

I saw that going
a different way.

We don't need you
as much.

But you're
still our mom,

and we'll always need you
a little.

Just not the whole
ginormous you.

Thank you.

And no matter what happens
with the game,

you got the Flyers

three victories in
the Stanley Cup Finals.

You really
think I did that?

Of course you did.

You're magical,
Barry Goldberg.

[chuckles]

Hmm.

Well, maybe if I helped
the Flyers win,

I can help
them lose, too.

Okay.

Okay, we're gonna do
the exact opposite
of everything we've done.

Mom, I'm gonna need you
to make

- a boatload of blue food.
- I'm on it.

Pop-Pop,
you can now set up

right in front
of the TV.

Don't move--
my favorite thing to do.

Adam, you can now drink water
and change your underwear.

I think I speak
for everyone in this room

when I say
I already did.

And, Vic, since today
is opposite day,

I have something to say
to you as an Oilers fan.

I respect you as a man.

Okay, this part seems unnecessary.

Finally,
there's one more thing.

[When In Rome's "The Promise"
plays]

[all gasp]

It burns my skin,
but it's for my family!

[Adult Adam] And so that day,
with everything on the line,

Barry made
the ultimate sacrifice.

He used his magic
against the Flyers.

- There we go!
- Yes! Oh!

[laughter]

And when they ultimately
lost the Stanley Cup,

it was a win for all of us.

But for my brother,
no victory ever hurt more.

And while there was plenty
to celebrate,

things at the Schwartzes
were not so festive.

♪ While I'll make you
fall for me ♪

Erica, what are you
doing here?

Well, I thought
I'd drop Muriel off

to hang out
with her grandparents.

Well, neither one of us
are really moving around

that well
at this moment.

Yeah, I think my parents
really need a day on the couch.

Sounds good to me.

- And Muriel.
- Really?

I know few grandparents
have the energy of my mom,

and I also know
that Muriel is very lucky

to have the two of you because
of how much you love her.

[sighs]
We do love her.

To the moon and back.

[Adult Adam]
Yep, there are a lot
of different ways family

can be there for you.

Sometimes you get
a totally unexpected win.

♪

What's this?

Well, since the Flyers lost,
the store raked in a fortune,

and I got a little something
for you.

Season tickets?

Now you can go
to every game.

Maybe you could
join me sometime?

You'd want me there?

Are you kidding me?

- You're my lucky charm.
- Aww.

But you'd better root
for the Flyers this time.

- I will, I promise.
- Promise?

[Adult Adam]
Other times, you think
you've lost,

only to realize you've gained
something much more valuable.

But whether you're cheering
on a family business...

or your favorite team,

it doesn't matter if it's
the thrill of victory

or the agony of defeat,

'cause when you're
all cheering together,

- every day is a win.
- [cheering]

Yes! We did it!

Here you go, buddy.

All your stupid robots,
safe and sound.

Go ahead, kiss them
like I'm not here.

First, I don't need
your permission
to show my affection.

And second, where the hell
is Bumblebee?

Oh, is that
the yellow one?

Tell me now where he is!

He's my most specialest.

Believe me, I know.
I've seen the way
you look at him.

Not okay.

But he's safe and sound
and will continue to be,

as long as you do
a few minor things for me.

I think you're bluffing.

Was I bluffing when
I melted your Boba Fett

or sawed your
Speak Spell in half

to see who was talking
in there?

Just tell me
what you want.