All language subtitles for A.Legacy.Of.Whining.2016.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

(gentle music)

(clatter)

(swish)

(clunk)

(thud)

(tap)

(clatter)

(thud)

(soft thuds)

(crunch)

(streaming)

(snap)

(whirring)

- Ah.

- [Voiceover] Airport
South, apologizes for any

delays or lineups
for passengers.

Please check your valuables
into departure ports

for any reported delays.

After arriving, departures
updated in 10 minutes.

- My name is Blutarsky,
Detective Blutarsky,

from, uh, from.

- [Voiceover]
Detective Blutarsky,

that's from Downtown Division.

- Downtown, downtown.

Come on, Mitch.

My name's Blutarsky,
Detective Blutarsky,

from Downtown Division.

Listen, fellow, don't
try anything stupid.

A guy like you, strapped
down with 50 pounds

of ex, explosives, uh, ah.

- [Voiceover] Please don't
do anything stupid, fellow.

A man like you strapped down
with 50 pounds of dynamite.

- Ah.

Dynamite, dynamite of course.

Come on, Mitch, get your
thespian act together.

How, oh, how do you
do, my good madam?

An actor never misses
his or her opportunity

to hone their craft,
don't you know?

(humming plane engine)

- Hey, mister.

Give a little something
to help a brother out?

(cellphone ringing)

Just a sec.

I have to take this.

Hello?

Yep, yeah, I'm glad you called.

Hey, look, when I order a dog,

just send me something
without a paw,

or missing a limb, or
something, anything.

I need to bring up
the sympathy factor.

Yeah, well my
revenue's down 20%.

No, three o'clock is
out of the question.

I've got an appointment
with my broker.

Hang on a second.

Hey, hey, mister, see
you on the way out?

(clattering)

(whirring)

- Listen.

Are you a cop?

- Uh, no, but I hope
to play one soon on TV.

I have a big audition
tomorrow morning.

- You, by rights, you
must identify yourself

as a law enforcement
officer if I ask.

- I'm not following.

- I offer two price packages,

based on my buggy's
two speed options.

- Uh, pardon me, madam?

- Yes, you can have
oral at a slower pace.

(humming of motor)

- Uh.

- Or you can have
it at a faster rate.

(grinding motor)

But I'll have to
charge you extra.

Because of the wear and
tear on my batteries.

So.

Are we going to make
this happen, or what?

I mean, I've got a
couple of customers

over in Domestic Departures,

they won't be wasting
time kicking tires

like you are.

- So let me get this straight.

You just scoot around
the airport all day long,

evading airport security,
while offering passersby

random acts of
mechanized fellatio?

- I knew it!

Your aftershave
smells like bacon.

Nice try, officer.

Ha!

(rumbling motor)

Vaya con dios!

(steady, slow music)

- That's quite the
sign you have there.

Listen, I don't want
to be overly intrusive,

but, uh, are you sure
someone's not playing

some kind of practical
joke on you, I mean,

you are holding
a sign that says.

- It's the name of a film.

If you must know.

(electronic tones)

- [Voiceover] Attention
passengers, final
call for boarding.

- It's not one of those
teenage vampire movies, is it?

I mean, I don't
understand what's so scary

about teenage vampires.

Back in my day, we had
Dracula, uh, we had Nosferatu,

and let's not forget
good old Blacula.

I mean, those guys were scary.

Spending a lifetime, suffering
the pangs of the undead.

I mean, those guys
had character.

I mean, these adolescent
vampires today,

I mean, it's like, "Uh,
uh dude, I'd really like

"to suck your blood, but
it's like, uh, I got to

"download a new app for
my phone, so, maybe I'll

"suck your blood later."

You have a serious credibility
problem as a vampire

if you've only just started
sprouting pubic hair.

- It's an erotic motion picture.

I was hired to pick up
the cast and take them

to the Adult Film Convention.

So, if you don't mind.

- That reminds me.

Have you ever seen
the movie Magic Mike?

I mean, hear you have
this supposedly sizzling

expose' of the world
of male strippers,

and yet, there's isn't
even like an ounce of full

frontal male nudity
in the whole movie.

I mean, how does that happen?

That is like a totally typical
Hollywood double standard

when it comes to nudity.

It's ridiculous.

You know, I'm actually
waiting for an

old high school friend.

Yeah, we haven't seen
each other in 30 years.

Can you believe that?

Oh, oh, how time does fly.

Just seems like yesterday
I was like cramming

for like a big biology
exam, or worried about a new

outbreak of pimples.

Can you believe that?

Ah.

Wow.

- Oh, my God, you guys,
we got a chauffeur!

- Oh, wow!

- Yeah.

- We need a picture.

- Let's ask this old man.

- Oh, um, Sir,
would you be a doll?

(nervous giggles)

- Hey, are you ladies ready?

(the girls answer "Yes")

- Okay, smile and
say venereal disease.

(all say "Venereal Disease")

(funky guitar music)

(giggles)

- Yeah.

(electronic tones)

- [Voiceover]
Attention passengers.

(triumphant music)

- Hey!

- Wow!

- Same old Mitch.

Standing around daydreaming.

- Hey, I was being
totally vigilant searching

for you, I swear to God.

- Vigilant.

That's another thing I
always loved about you,

using big words like that.

Come here!

- What?

(footsteps and clattering)

- Pretty spiffy jacket
you got there, Mitch.

- Oh, this is my, uh, 1970's
disillusioned cop look.

I got a big audition tomorrow
morning at nine a.m. sharp.

- Yeah, right, I remember
you mentioning you were

dabbling in that stuff.

- Well, this is all
part of my whole

sensory experience, Dunc.

It's like uh, this is
all really important when

you're in the world
of the thespian.

- You thespians?

What?

- Come on, Dunc.

Thespians, everybody
knows that means actor.

Come on.

- Whatever.

Look, I'm really glad to be
here after all these years.

- No, no, no, hey, I got this.

(clunk)

- [Dunc] Maybe I should
grab that, Mitch.

- No, no, it's okay.

Isn't there supposed
to be some kind of uh,

weight limitations
on these things?

It feels like you've
got a minivan in here.

- Hey, Mitch, did you
see a bunch of smoking

hot girls come through here?

Man, they were sitting
up front in first class.

Shit.

All that amazing pussy
onboard and I have to get

stuck back with some old fart.

Snoring on my shoulder.

- My car's this way, Dunc.

- [Dunc] Sure my bag's
not too heavy for you,

hey, Mitch?

- [Mitch] Oh, no problem, Dunc.

Maybe when I'm done
lugging this thing around,

I'll be able to audition
for the role of Quasimodo.

- [Dunc] Jesus, Mitch,
where the fuck did you park,

on the runway?

- [Mitch] Hey, Dunc, it's
not like it's in the movies

where the protagonist
always gets to scooch

into the best parking
spots, you know.

You know, Dunc, these suitcases?

They actually come
with wheels now.

I'm just saying.

(thud)

- [Dunc] Please, tell me
that's your fucking car, Mitch.

- [Mitch] There she is.

Like a beacon shining
in the wilderness, Dunc.

- [Mitch] Well, saints
be fucking praised.

Any longer I was going
to have to resort

to cannibalism.

(slow, deliberate steps)

- Ah.

I think I suffered
temporary paralysis

in three of my favorite
vertebrae, Dunc.

- Is there something
you're not telling me

about yourself, Mitch?

- Oh, yeah, well,
uh, when I ordered my

customized license
plate, I mean, I told

them I wanted it
to read, thespian.

But, I don't know, there
was some kind of mix up,

- Here we are, after
all those years.

- Yes, Sir.

They said it
couldn't happen, but,

the dynamic duo's back
together once again, Dunc.

(energetic music
with a strong beat)

(tap, tap)

(knock, knock)

Well, let's make like a
couple of French mimes,

and wave au revoir
to this place, Dunc.

What?

- What do I need to do?

- What?

It's a car door,
just open it, Dunc.

Oh, hey.

What's this?

I know it's not
a parking ticket,

- [Dunc] What is that?
- Maybe it's a new,

maybe it's a pizza
joint opening, or some

religious tract, let's see.

"The revolution is a lie."

That's rather cryptic.

Ah.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Give it here.

(thud)

(clunk)

(clattering)

- Hm, that's never
happened before.

- You don't say.

- What?

- I'm just curious
how you start the car.

What do you knock on
the dashboard twice

with your forehead, or what?

- Hmph, what?

With the keys, of course.

Hmph, knock on the dashboard
twice with my forehead.

That's how you start
the air conditioner.

(rumble of engine)

Let's make like a
couple of pot smokers,

and head out.

- [Dunc] Do you just make
those expressions up, or?

- [Mitch] Those are
100% my own creativity.

- [Mitch] I've got an
inexhaustible supply of them.

How about let's
make like a couple

of hosers and take off?

- [Dunc] Amazing.

- [Mitch] Or, if you prefer
something a little darker,

let's make like a
couple of IV drug users

and make tracks.

Feel free to drop
those into conversation

whenever you want.

Just be sure to give me credit.

- [Dunc] I'll remember
to do that, Mitch.

(mysterious music)

- Welp, here we are, Dunc.

And they said it
couldn't happen.

- Yeah, who said that?

- Uh, nobody, actually.

It's just an expression.

- Oh, right.

So we haven't seen each other
since high school, right?

And now we're both 50.

Hard to fucking believe.

- Uh, I hate to
quibble, Dunc, but, uh,

I'm actually only 49.

Technically, I don't turn
50 for another 11 days.

- Well, anyway you slice
it, this calls for a drink.

- Hey, don't worry.

I'm going to take us to our
favorite old coffee shop.

- Oh, fuck that, Mitch.

I'm talking about a real drink.

- How'd you get that
through airport security?

- I'd tell you, but I'd
have to kill you, Mitch.

- Uh, no thanks, Dunc,
I generally like to keep

my mental faculties
intact when I'm operating

four thousand
pounds of machinery.

- So, um, this
acting thing, Mitch.

Is that some sort
of hobby, or what?

- Ha, it's considerably
more than that, Dunc.

I think this time I
actually found my passion.

My muse, if you will.

Yes, sir, no more
wandering the barren plains

of unrealized dreams
for yours truly.

- So, what have you been in?

- What, you mean like which
characters I've played,

and roles, et cetera?

- No, I mean, what have I
seen you in specifically.

- Uh, well, lately I've
been hitting a lot of, uh,

a lot of auditions, uh, you
know, like the one I have

This is typically the lifeblood
of the working actor, Dunc.

- So in other words, you
haven't done anything.

- Well, for your information,
uh, I actually had

a callback from the last one.

A callback is actually when.
- [Dunc] Let me guess.

When you get called back?

- Yeah, well, anyways,
it was for a luncheon

food commercial.

Nationally televised, pays
big residuals, by the way.

I played, you know, a boring
high school principal,

who, upon ingesting the
transformative contents

of said luncheon meat,
turns into a libidinous,

fun living rapper.

- You as a rapper?

Jeez, I'd love to
hear that, Mitch,

but, uh, I need a drink first.

Ah.

Okay, Mitch, I think I'm ready.

- Hang on, just got
to go through a little

actor prep.

That's what we like to
call that, in the biz.

Mrap

Mwah.

Mwah.

Mwah.

Mm, yep.

Here we go.

♪ They call me Principal T,
you know that I be illin'

♪ Just a chillin'
with my homies,

♪ Eatin' pastrami
and mock chicken ♪

- And why didn't you
get that role, Mitch?

- Uh, well, to tell
you the truth, uh,

I do my best to stay
confident at these

auditions, but I don't know.

It's like when I get
in there, and I see

all those anxious actors,

it's like the desperation's
palpable, Dunc.

What, palpable?

Come on, Dunc.

I don't know, anyways,
it's like we're all

sitting around on
death row, like waiting

for the executioner
to come and get us.

Ah, I don't know.

And then by the time I get
into the audition room,

it's like, I just choke.

- You got to loosen up.

You know what your
problem is, you're just

too fucking tightly wound.

- I don't know man, I mean,
I've tried everything.

Uh, breathing exercises,
cell visualization,

I've even listened to
tapes of deep sea mammals,

copulating.

(Dunc chuckles)

- Jesus.

Now you really need a drink.

- Nah, I'm good.

- Don't let the darkness
eat you up, Mitch.

- [Mitch] Look, Dunc.

That's where our favorite
old cinema used to be.

No doubt to be replaced
by one of those soulless,

cookie cutter multiplexes
with 40 screens, and all

showing the same film.

- [Dunc] Hey, I love
those new theaters, Mitch.

Big ass seats, massive sound,
the whole VIP experience.

Soon they'll have pretty
usherettes delivering

hand jobs during the trailers.

- [Mitch] Still, I miss
the charm of that old

broken down Movie Palace.

It had character, Dunc.

- [Dunc] Not to mention
faulty air conditioning,

rats and cramped seats
designed for an average

Other than that, it
was real swell, Mitch.

- [Mitch] Here's
what's left of our

old high school, Dunc.

Sad really.

- [Dunc] Good riddance to
that old prison, I say.

I wish I was there
to pull the plunger.

- [Mitch] Come on, Dunc, we
learned a lot back there.

- [Dunc] Really?

Like what, Mitch?

- [Mitch] Well, I still
remember from biology class

the scientific name for DNA.

Deoxyribonucleic acid.

- [Dunc] I'll bet that's
really come in handy, Mitch.

- [Mitch] Surprisingly,
it hasn't, Dunc.

That used to be our
old skating rink.

Remember, we used to play
hockey there really early

in the mornings
when we were kids?

- [Dunc] Right.

- Look what I have, Dunc.

Ring any bells?

The Snotty Punks?

From the album, Young,
British and Snotty?

I mean, this was
practically the soundtrack

of our youth, Dunc.

- Yeah, The Snotty Punks.

Yeah, I can sort of remember
us listening to them.

Aren't those guys all dead now?

- Uh, I think the lead
singer, Johnny Snotnose

is still around.

Actually, I think that
he just got a knighthood.

- Hm.

- Guess that makes him Sir
Johnny Snotnose, I guess.

Well, here's to the
glory of the past, Dunc.

♪ Because we're young, British

(garbled high pitched whine)

- Let me guess, Mitch.

That never happens.

- I'm very disheartened, Dunc.

I wanted us to just to
kind of drive around,

and listen to our
favorite old tunes,

you know, for old time's sake.

Here, let me just,
uh, you know what?

I'll just wind this up later.

- Well, look, Mitch,
don't sweat it.

The past ain't all
it's cracked up to be.

- Ah, good choice
of words, Dunc.

Cracked up?

Look what I have.

What do you think, Dunc?

- Yeah, remember we
used to drive around

on Friday nights and toss
these puppies at people?

- We used to do that?

You mean, when all our
friends were out getting laid,

we were driving around
throwing eggs at people?

Wow, that is beyond
depressing, Mitch.

Look, Mitch, I appreciate
your attempts to recreate

the old magic, but,
maybe we can have those

for breakfast.

- So, how are you
and Cindy doing?

You guys were married
like practically right

out of high school, Dunc.

I mean, that was like,
almost 30 years ago.

25 years is silver anniversary,
what does that make

30 years, I wonder?

- I'm guessing arsenic.

That's what three decades
of torture should get you.

You should be proud of
your accomplishment.

I mean, especially in
this kind of world,

that's just lacking
any kind of loyalty.

Hey, I remember we voted
you guys couple most likely

to stay together until death.

- Oh, yeah, by the
way, thanks for that.

No pressure there at all.

- You and Cindy, I
mean, you guys are

still together, right?

Aw, Dunc.

I just feel like a little
piece of my soul is missing,

just knowing that
you're not together.

- You'll get over it, Mitch.

So, um, what about you, Mitch?

I mean, any wives, girlfriends.

- Huh, me?

No way, Dunc.

I'm keeping my eye
on the acting prize.

- Yeah, you sure
wouldn't want to miss any

of those luncheon meat
commercials of yours.

- Well, hey, Dusty Hoffman,
one of our generation's

finest actors.
- [Dunc] Wait, wait.

Dusty?

I thought his name was
Dustin, Dustin Hoffman.

- Well, his friends
and associates.

- Of which you're neither.

- Well, apparently,
when he's on set,

by on set, I mean.

- Let me guess, it
means when he's on set.

- Yeah, well,
apparently Dusty he lets

the cast and crew
call him by that name.

I mean, my, my acting coach
told me that, actually.

- Well, you know, I'm sure,
Mitch, that, that Dustin,

Dusty Hoffman, sorry, wasn't
scratching and struggling

at the ripe old
age of 50, Mitch.

- Uh, I'm actually
49, Dunc, remember?

- Mm, I keep forgetting.

- Yeah, I don't turn
50 for another 11 days.

- So when was the last
time you got laid, Mitch?

- What?

- Let me rephrase the
question, your honor.

When was the last time
you scored some pussy?

- Well, I don't know, Dunc.

Let me go home and check
my fornication journal.

- That's what I thought, Mitch.

Look, how about we
go cruising around,

and try and meet some ladies?

- What, and toss eggs at them?

- No, Mitch, that's
not what I had in mind.

Um, I'm just thinking,
the night is young,

maybe we could, uh,
find a party and uh,

celebrate our wonderful reunion.

- Uh, I don't know, Dunc.

I was going to take you
to that old coffee shop

of ours, and maybe wind
it down for the evening.

Because you remember,
I got that big audition

at nine a.m. tomorrow.

- Relax, Mitch, you're
not going to miss your

all important dog food audition.

- Dog food audition?

I told you, I'm
auditioning for the role

of a cop, remember?

- Fine.

How about we go
bird-dog some chicks?

- Bird dog some ladies?

What are you, Buddy Holly?

There are very subtle, but
very distinct differences

in the Meisner versus Strasberg
Schools of Method Acting.

So, I was wondering,

do you shampoo,
lather and rinse?

Or, do you shampoo, lather,
and rinse and repeat?

So, is it actually
karaoke, or karookie?

(laughter)

So, how come the
breakfast food industry

isn't able to say, "So,
when you're shopping

"for a breakfast cereal,
three month's salary's

"a good place to start."?

So, I've heard of
a gaggle of geese,

that's one expression
that's a little weird.

But, a murder of crows?

Now, whoever invented that,
they're just messing with us.

- [Dunc] It's all coming
back to me, Mitch.

Your winning touch
with the ladies.

- [Mitch] Come on, Dunc.

We're having a great
time just getting

reacquainted, aren't we?

Look, here's one of our
favorite old haunts.

Remember this place, Dunc?

Let's go get some
of that world famous

cinnamon coffee we
used to love so much.

Hm, I was wrong, Dunc.

- [Dunc] About what?

- It is possible to get
a great parking spot

in real life, as well
as in the movies.

This is a great omen.

Come on.

Oh, hey, wait.

- What is it, Mitch?

Why aren't we going inside?

- You know what?

Let's do our old
personalized greeting

that we did back in high school.

- What?

- Remember, we went like that,

come on.

(slap)

What, oh, what's that?

That's not what we did.

You've got to
really get into it,

you have to really dig in.
- [Dunc] Uh, no, no, no, no.

No way, Mitch, I am
not doing that, okay?

That is like so 30 years ago.

Forget it.

- Let's just do it
for old time's sake?

- Not a chance, Mitch.

Come on, let's go inside.

- So, how's it feel
to be back in the old

place again, Dunc?

- I don't know.

It feels like I'm
in a coffee shop.

- Ah, we stanched many emotional
wounds on our inexorable

march into manhood, Dunc.

Right here, possibly
at this very table.

- Whatever.

Mind you, the place does
seem a little changed,

I mean the decor and whatnot.

- Alright, what
can I get you guys?

- Oh, how do you
do, my good lady?

Uh, uh, uh.

Um, um, tonight you have the
great honor of serving us

on the occasion of this.

Our first time meeting
in nearly 30 years.

We'd both like to partake
in a couple of your

world famous cinnamon
coffees, my good madam.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, cinnamon
coffee, of course.

It's your house specialty.

- Why would anyone put
cinnamon in their coffee,

I mean, who does that anymore?

- Well, I'll take
two cinnamon coffees,

and you can put the
cinnamon between your knees.

You see, my friend and
I here who again, may I,

I reiterate, have not
seen each other in nearly

30 years, well, we used
to frequent your cozy

little establishment, back
in our tender, formative

years, and we used to
find sweet succor in the

restorative grinds of your
blessed cinnamon coffee.

- [Waitress] Again, there
is no cinnamon coffee.

Are you guys going, or staying?

- We'll have two coffees.

However you serve them
normally will be fine.

Thanks.

What's with finding
succor, or whatever?

Nobody understands that.

And will you please
stop telling people

we haven't seen each
other in 30 years.

They're going to think we
just got out of prison.

Jesus.

This place really
has changed, Dunc.

I mean, I don't remember
serving personnel like that.

I mean, did you see all
those tattoos crammed

all over her countenance?

- If you mean her face,
Mitch, yeah, I noticed.

Get with the times, will
you, for Christ's sakes!

All young people are
doing it nowadays.

- Oh, tattoos, hey,
don't get me wrong,

I totally understand that.

I mean, one on the shoulder
here saying, "Rosie",

maybe a little heart over
here saying, "I love mom."

Hey, totally understand that.

But she looked like some
kind of headhunter's

straight out of the
jungles of Borneo, Dunc.

I'm surprised she
didn't just chuck us

in a cauldron of
boiling water and try

to make soup out of us.

- I have to tell you,
Mitch, I identify a lot

more with these young people.

- Come on, Dunc.

- No, I'm serious.

You know what it's
like hanging around

with people our age?

Constant grousing and
sniping about illnesses?

I mean, that one's got
some kind of tumor,

and this one's
bowels are clogged?

I flat out refuse to spend
the rest of my precious

years worried about the
state of my prostate, Mitch.

- Come on, Dunc, I mean, you
can't change who you are.

You think by like
associating with the young,

you're going to somehow
like absorb all their fresh

vibes and hipness, like
through some kind of osmosis,

or something?

- I don't know what
all that means, Mitch.

What I do know is I feel
really alive with young women.

My last girlfriend was 19.

- Come off it with the
shock and outrage bullshit,

will you?

If you had to pick up a dog
from the animal shelter,

would you pick up
a shiny new puppy,

or some mangy old mutt
that can barely still wag

its' tail?

- Hey, those old dogs have
tons of character, Dunc.

- Not to mention yellow
teeth, bad breath, fleas.

- Here's your two
regular coffees,

completely devoid of
any cinnamon whatsoever.

- Oh, oh, and, madam?

Just to inform you,
neither my friend here or I

have ever served time
whatsoever in any correctional

facility or institution.

Just to let you know.

(Mitch sighs)

I feel bad.

- About what, Mitch?

- I mean, why would they
discontinue their policy

of serving cinnamon coffee,
when obviously, it's like.

- Forget your goddamned
cinnamon coffee for a minute,

would you?

God, it's all starting
to come back to me, your,

your whining and griping,
nonstop, as I recall.

- I mean, the cinnamon
coffee's what made this

I mean, who would tamper with
that formula for success?

I mean, okay, like for
instance, let's say,

I'm a CEO of like, Hersheys,
and I was addressing

a boardroom of my top
shareholders, and I said,

"Hey, thanks for coming.

"We made a half a billion
dollars in our Hershey

"Almond Bars last year.

"Oh, but here's an idea.

"From now on, let's
remove all the almonds,

"from our chocolate."

That's just not done, Dunc.

- Listen, forget about
your beloved cinnamon

for a moment, will you?

Try some of this.

Huh, what, are you
Toulouse-Lautrec ?

- Who?

Is this one of your
obscure references, Mitch?

- Uh, Toulouse-Lautrec,

famous Parisian artist?

Uh, rather diminutive
in stature,

specialized in painting
the underbelly of Paris.

Hung out at the Moulin Rouge.

- I'm sorry I asked, Mitch.

Here, this is going to
put some much needed

hair on your balls.

- Oh.

Great.

Great.

- A toast.

- Oh.

- Here's to the
death of cinnamon.

(coughing and sputtering)

- Dunc, I don't know
whether to drink that,

or power my lawnmower with it.

- I got here just in
time to make a man

out of you yet, Mitch.

- Wait, so, anyways, what
happened with you and Cindy?

I mean, you guys had
like a love for the ages,

I mean, like Romeo and Juliet,
Napoleon and Josephine,

uh, Liz and Dick, well,
maybe not that last couple,

because they did get divorced
a tad too many times,

I'll grant you that.

- You know, if you had
the balls to even be

in a relationship, you
wouldn't have to ask that.

- Yeah, but I mean, I
just slept so much better

in my bed at night knowing
that good old Duncan

and Cindy were just out
in the universe together,

steadfast as a rock.

- A rock sinking to the
bottom of the ocean, you mean.

- How bad could it
have been, Dunc?

- Okay, Mitch.

You want to know what
finally ended our marriage?

It wasn't some melodramatic
event like an affair,

or some cliche' betrayal.

You know what it was?

It was a fucking
kitchen blender.

- A what?

- Yeah.

I'm serious.

A fucking kitchen blender.

Every morning at five
a.m., Cindy would wake up

and make some healthy
something or other,

in the world's noisiest blender.

This thing had a fucking
puree setting on it

that sounded like a hundred
cats being strangled

at the same time.

I just fucking couldn't
take it anymore.

Listen to that for
the rest of my life?

Screw that noise, Mitch.

- So, let me get this straight.

You're the first person
in history to file

for divorce on the grounds of
a faulty kitchen appliance.

- Look, Mitch, I know it
hurts to see your role models

crash and burn, but
you'll get over it.

Do you know what it's
like to surround yourself

with young women, Mitch?

It's like swimming in
the fountain of youth.

Do you know what young
women smell like, Mitch?

- I pray you're not
going to tell me, Dunc.

- Bubble gum.

Bubble gum, and vanilla, Mitch.

You know what women
our age smell like?

Decaying medicine cabinets.

- Well, I will
grant you this much,

older women do go a little
heavy on the perfumes,

that much is true.

- I'm currently
seeing twins, Mitch.

They both barely just turned 20.

You probably have toothbrushes
older than that, Dunc.

- Who cares?

They practically worship me.

The other day, Hey Jude,
by The Beatles came

on the radio, and I
told one of the twins

I wrote that song, she
thinks I'm a creative genius.

- Hey, I can't believe I'm
hearing this, Dunc, I mean,

beyond the blatant
musical plagiarism,

I mean, I hate to
say this, Dunc,

I think you're going
through a very severe male

midlife crisis.

(energetic music)

- So Mitch.

This acting thing, how did
you fall into that again?

- Well, there's a huge
demand for actors of my

particular demographics, Dunc.

- You mean old dudes.

- I mean, actors like
myself, who exude a certain

experienced demeanor.

Apparently, we're in
great demand, Dunc.

- I'm guessing because
if somebody's a failure

by your age, they
either give up acting,

or kill themselves.

Sorry, continue.

- Well, I've been
taking acting classes

for a few years now.

Uh, the Method Style,
perhaps you've heard of it?

Well, the Method Style,
uh, it basically involves

the actor utilizing a
series of sensory exercises.

You know, that allows the
actor, in this case, myself,

uh, to engage on a
more honest level.

- Okay, so, if a character
was, say, a loser,

you could draw
inspiration from all those

washed out auditions of yours.

- Well, I suppose one
could, uh, conjure

up those particular
incidents to enhance

a scene's overall
verisimilitude.

And then there's the
British style of acting.

Based on its' rich
history of theater,

treading the boards, we call it.

- Whatever, look, it's
all the same to me.

- If you don't mind
me saying so, Dunc,

that's where you
show your ignorance.

And to enlighten you,
between these two very

distinct schools of
acting, let me show you

an example of what
happened during the filming

of a little movie I like
to call Marathon Man.

- Never heard of it.

- What?

With the great Dusty Hoffman,

and the iconic
Sir Larry Olivier?

- Right, Dusty and Larry.

Sounds like a lame
morning radio show.

- There's this climactic
scene where Dusty's

character finally
confronts Sir Larry's evil

nasty dentist, in the
deep dark New York city

sewer system.

Apparently, Dusty, the
Method actor, had to do

a whole ton of takes
because he couldn't find

his emotional core, so finally,

Sir Larry, nearly 80
years old and freezing

in those sewers, and hailng
from the British style

of theater, finally just
turns and looks at Dusty,

and says, "Dusty, why
don't you try acting?"

Can you believe that story?

- You know, one thing
hasn't changed, Mitch.

You still have that active
imagination of yours.

- I remember the
sage words of my new

acting coach, Dunc.

Or was it my last acting coach?

Uh, it might've
been my last one,

hang on, no, well, my
first acting coach,

uh, perished in a
mysterious airbag incident,

and let me see, my
second one, oddly enough,

got hit by lightning during
an outdoor production

of The Tempest.

Fancy that.

- Just sounds like
working with you, Mitch,

is a goddamned dangerous job.

- Hey, the acting
world is no place

for the diffident, Dunc.

- And that's another thing.

Using words like that.

- What, diffident?

It means shy.

- Well, then why can't
you just say shy,

for Christ's sake?

Jesus.

Who the fuck knows
what diffident means?

You always did that,
you always were trying

to impress people with
those ridiculously

big words of yours.

Hi, I'm Mitch, and
I've never been laid,

but I've memorized every page
of the fucking dictionary.

You know, ever
since the airport,

you've been doing that.

Diffident, versimilla, whatever.

- Verisimilitude.

- What?

- It means truth.

- It's all coming
back to me, Mitch.

- Why I never bothered
to contact you

for the last 30 years.

(rhythmic music
with a heavy beat)

- Well, I'm off
to the men's room.

Hopefully they haven't
gotten rid of that

over the last 30 years either.

(somber music)

Yep, the men's
room's still there.

Mind you, it doesn't
look like someone's

ran a mop through there
since the JFK assassination.

Hey, I didn't know you
wore glasses, Dunc.

They make you look
rather avuncular,

like someone's favorite
uncle or something.

What are those for?

Uh, allergies?

I hope there's nothing
wrong with you, Dunc.

- What these?

Daddy's little helper, Mitch.

With these blue pills,
we have the ability

to beat God at his own game.

why God didn't want old
people having sex, Dunc?

That's why he
invented scrapbooking.

- Typical of you, Mitch.

Always afraid of anything new.

- What are you,
what are you doing?

Why are you ingesting
those, I mean,

you know we're
going straight home

when we get out of
here, don't you, Dunc?

I mean, I've got that
important audition

tomorrow, I mean, I've
been talking about it

all night.

- Whoever wrote Go Gentle
Into That Good Night never

experienced the joy of a
four hour hard on, Mitch.

What?

- I don't know.

I, I feel like you're
going to turn into some

kind of sex crazed
werewolf or something.

- The medicine doesn't
work that fast, Mitch.

And besides, you're not my type.

Trust me.

- Ah.

- Hey, let me help
with that, Mitch.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, you don't pull a
coin in my town, Dunc.

I got this.

- Well, thanks.

I'll get you later tonight.

- What do you mean later?

I mean, when we pack it in here,

we're going back home, right?

- Right.

- Okay then, well,
let's make like a pair

of skintight polyester
pants and split, Dunc.

- Nice one.

- Sorry about the absence
of uh, cinnamon in those

coffees, Dunc.

I'm going to wake up in
a cold sweat at the mere

mention of cinnamon.

- Ah, I don't know, but all
these things disappearing

from the past, it's like, I
don't know, it could really

disillusion a guy,
you know what I mean?

- You're just figuring
that out, are you?

- Yeah, oh.

Oh, you know what?

Hey wait.

Ah, if you could help
run my lines with me,

you know, for my big
audition tomorrow.

That would be awesome
if you could do that.

- Out here in the street?

- Hey, I know it
sounds crazy, but.

- I'd really
appreciate it, Dunc.

- I don't think so, Mitch.

- I mean, I mean, I'm
playing a cop, right?

So being out here in the
mean streets, I mean,

that's just going to help me
prepare for my role, right?

I mean, listen, I mean,
right now, I can practically

smell the danger
that's permeating on
the nocturnal city,

as we speak.

- I don't think so, Mitch.

(clunks and squeaks)

- I'd really
appreciate it, Dunc.

- Okay.

- Yes!

Awesome.

Here, got the script right here.

You play the part of Romulus.

- Romulus?

What kind of a name is that?

- It doesn't matter
what kind of name it is.

Look, all you need to
know is that you're holed

up in a public phone booth,
strapped to the gills

with explosives, and
I'm the plucky, hardened

detective who's assigned to
try to get you to surrender.

- Right, Romulus,
I got it, Mitch.

Okay, let's get this over with.

- Great.

(Mitch clears his throat)

Muah.

Muah.

Muah.

- What are you doing?

- Ah.

This is my acting
exercises, Dunc.

Every actor does this.

- You look like a
chicken having a stroke.

- Muah.

Okay, okay.

The name's Blutarsky,
Detective Blutarsky,

from Headquarter's
Division, and, uh,

listen buddy, just hand
over all those explosives

and everybody gets out
of here alive, buddy.

- Alright, okay,
two things Mitch.

Alright, first you said
Headquarter's Division,

it's supposed to be
Downtown Division.

Second, it's not everyone
gets out of here alive,

it's everyone gets out
of here in one piece.

- Aw.

- [Dunc] Don't sweat
it, Mitch, let's go.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I am going to nail
this sucker, Dunc.

- Why the hell should I trust
a deadbeat cop like you?

- You can't afford
to not not trust me.

- Wait, Mitch.

So, can he afford to
trust you, or not?

I mean, it's very confusing,
the way it's written.

- Oh, come on, Dunc,
you're taking me out of my

actor's sacred zone.

- Well, there's too
many nots in there.

- Let's, let's just do
it one more time, Dunc,

I promise, just one
more time, please.

And, uh, if you don't
mind my saying so,

possibly you could
imbue your character

with a little more emotion?

I kind of feel like
I'm carrying the scene

for the both of us, Dunc.

(thud)

(hum of engine)

I mean, what's with all
these lame Hollywood movies,

all these elderly protagonists,
and their bucket list.

I mean, talk about
cliched screenwriting.

I mean, they have these guys
like climbing Machu Picchu,

and jumping out of
airplanes, parachuting.

If there was even a shred
of truth to these movies,

about their bucket lists,

the number one thing that
these guys would want

to be able to do is
actually have a painless

bowel movement for once.

Or, maybe even for once
eating a steak dinner

without having to use a straw.

You know, Dunc, it's
not as if I don't want

to be in a relationship.

I mean, I'm only
human, after all.

- Mitch, turn right.

- What?

No, no, my, my place is
just straight this way.

- No, no, I'm telling you,

take a right at
the next turn off.

- Dunc, I know where my
place is, it's just right.

Wait, what are you
doing, are you crazy?

(squealing tires)

Oh, Dunc.

Look, I thought you were
trying to like hijack

my car to Cuba.

Hey, of all the preferred
ways I want to die,

a fiery automobile crash
would not even rank

in my top ten, trust me.

- Just keep going straight
down this street, Mitch.

- What's so important
about this street?

- [Dunc] Just pull
in right up here.

- Come on, Dunc, I
have that big audition

tomorrow at nine
a.m. sharp, remember?

You've been yammering
endlessly about it

since the airport.

- Hey, this audition is
really important to me, Dunc.

You know that.

- Just pull in here.

- What's so important I
have to pull into here?

- Well, it's a lot more
exciting than cinnamon coffee.

- That looks like the
apartment building

from Rosemary's Baby.

- [Dunc] Va voom, Mitch.

(rumbling motor)

(barking dog and blaring sirens)

(clunk)

(thud)

(cat meowing)

- Ah, I don't know, Dunc.

There better be a
minimum of three tires

on that car when we return.

Come on, Dunc, let's
just make like a pair

of skintight trousers
and just tear ass!

- Didn't you use
that one already?

- Well, I actually
skintight trous,

it doesn't matter.

Let's just get out
of here, please.

(tone)

(foreign female
voices on speaker)

- [Voiceover] Sh, sh, sh.

Yes?

- Vaya con dios?

- What, you're all of a
sudden Antonio Banderas?

(buzzer)

- Bingo.

(suspenseful music)

Mitch, I believe
this is the one.

Would you do us the
honor of knocking?

- What, me knock?

I don't want to knock.

You knock.

you're going to knock.

Hey, there will be
nary any knocking

eminating from me,
Dunc, trust me.

- I think you've completely
lost your mind, Mitch.

- Whoah, whoah,
whoah, wait, wait.

Wait, just.

- What's wrong, Mitch?

- Look, let's just leave.

I beseech you, Dunc,
I've got that audition

really early tomorrow morning.

- Shit, not that again.

- Hey, if I don't get at
least two and a half hours

sleep before a big audition,
I get cranky, Dunc.

- Trust me, Mitch, the universe
is unfolding as it should.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

- You're killing me, Mitch.

- I knew I heard
that earlier tonight,

the vaya con dios,
at the airport.

- Vaya con dios.

- And I know this
sounds crazy, but

I got solicited for fellatio
by Dr. Strange Love's

twin sister, Dunc.

- You know, Mitch, you're right.

- What, that you believe me?

Huh, thanks, Dunc.

- No, that you sound crazy.

Come on.

- Well, wait, wait.

Now that I think about it,

there were a myriad of strange

happenings at the
airport tonight.

(buzzing)

(girls say, "Venereal disease")

(dramatic music)

I feel like this is all
some kind of a cosmic

warning sign, Dunc.

We can't go in there.

Let's just make like
a couple of large

breasted women on a
trampoline and bounce.

- Ah, boy.

- I don't know, I just
feel like whatever is

on the other side
of that door, Dunc,

is going to be either A, bad.

B, trouble.

C, causing one or more
of our private parts

to end up leaking.

Or D, all of the above.

- What do I have to do to get
you through that door, Mitch?

- What do you mean?

- You name it, I'll do anything.

We haven't seen
each other, in what?

30 years, right?

Come on, I really need you
with me on this, Mitch.

- Aw.

You'll do anything?

- Anything, I promise.

- Okay, I got it.

Ah, I still don't feel
good about this, Dunc.

- Trust me, Mitch, you badly
need what's on the other

side of this door
more than anybody.

(knocking)

- [Voiceover] Yes.

(squeak)

(clunk)

since my audition for
that failed musical

production of Last
Tango In Paris.

- [Dunc] Shh.

What?

They were really
going to do that?

- [Mitch] Yeah, you bet, Dunc.

I was trying out for the chorus.

They had this big
showstopping musical number

about butter.

- Bienvenidos, welcome.

- Good evening, senoritas.

- Senoritas?

You must think you're
addressing a room full

of (foreign word), senor.

Trust me, there are no
virgins here, Senor.

- Oh, we wouldn't dream of
insulting you lovely ladies.

Would we?

But my long lost friend and
I here are in humble need

of some of your spicy, Latin
company for the evening.

- You know what?

I just remembered,
I'm pretty sure I left

a teakettle on, Dunc.

- Don't mind my friend,
he's just not used

to seeing so much
beauty in one room.

- Flattery might get
you somewhere, mister.

- Uh, I think the
expression is flattery

will get you nowhere.

- One moment, ladies.

What the fuck are
you doing, Mitch?

- What, I mean, it's
obvious that English

is not their primary
language, Dunc.

I'm, I'm just correcting
their idioms, that's all.

- Well, lay off with the fucking
Berlitz lesson, will you?

You are not going
to sabotage this.

I'm sorry.

- Well, all I can say,

relax, you only just arrived.

Don't waste our charity.

It is all, uh, good,

as you say here.

Would you like to see a menu?

(snap)

- Oh, oh, no thanks,
late night repast,

they just wreak havoc
with my digestive tract.

- I'd be delighted.

Okay, I'll have the Bay
of Pigs Massage Combo,

preferably with a redhead,
and my friend here

is going to have the Nude
Reverse Simón Bolívar.

- What?

- Don't worry, we'll take
care of your shy friend.

Meanwhile, you'll find
everything waiting for you,

down there.

- Thanks.

I mean, gracias.

Mitch, many are chosen,

but few are called.

- I don't even know
what that means, Dunc.

- Have a seat,
Senor Mitch, is it?

- I don't believe I
actually told you my.

- Por favor, Senor
Mitch, pull up a stump

as they say.

- Um, you know what?

I think that, uh, and I
appreciate all of your

hospitality, uh,

mucho gracias, but, uh,
I think, uh, I'm actually

going to stand.

You know, I'm good.

- You don't look so good.

- Uh.

(thud)

Um.

Hm.

You know, I've heard of
Goldfinger, but I think

you've got the hole hand here.

- Yes.

- You know, yeah, I
really love what you've

It's kind of a Martha Stewart
meets early Che Guevara

School of Home Design.

What do you know about
Marxism, Senor Mitch?

- Well other than it's
a political system based

on the collective masses,
founded on the fundamental

principles of egalitarianism,
and the collapse

of the capitalistic
free market state,

not much, I guess.

- Do you know what the
fucking communist pigs

who stole our country have done?

We had the most best golf
courses in all of the world,

and they let dogs and the
fucking peasants squat

Then end up pissing and
shitting all over our beautiful

putting greens.

- Well, hey, you have to admit,
some of those private golf

memberships are a tad pricey.

- But not reciprocal,
Senor Mitch.

Someday soon, our
country will be returned

to its' rightful glory.

Those gutless red devils
will be driven back

to there, and our
beloved Generalissimo.

will rule us once more.

(grand music)

That day is coming,
Senor Mitch, when we will

once again be a (foreign word),

the best country in the world.

- Wow, I mean, best
country in the world?

That's quite the bold statement.

I mean, take for instance
even a tiny country

like Belgium.

I mean, uh, they
practically cornered

the international beer market.

And let's not forget their
prodigious chocolate production.

We haven't even gotten to
the topic of waffles yet.

I always have a hard
time evenly distributing

the butter through
all the pastry divots.

- Try this.

We call it Mala Leche.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Um, no thanks, I
generally don't partake

of any fermented reptile
beverages after six p.m.

Sorry.

- To our beloved Generalissimo.

Salute.

- Well, I'd love to
continue this fascinating

chin wagging, but all
the interesting aspects

of your culture,
but, you know what?

I think I'm just going to
grab my buddy over there,

and I think I'm going to just
like mosey on out of here.

Yep, it's been great.

(clunk)

- And Lady Grizelda was
the most feared member

of Generalissimo's
secret police.

They used to call
her The Nutcracker.

Those legs have crushed
the hopes of revolutionary

scum like so many
fucking walnuts.

Will you, will you hear me?

Senor Mitch?

You men in this country,

where we come from our
men are (foreign word)

with cocks like stallions.

Not like you, always
trying to be all sensitive,

with your puny little
dicks like hummingbirds.

If our men likes the
way a woman looks,

they would fuck her
right there in the street

like a wild animal.

- Well, at least that
beats a whole evening

of speed dating.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Sarcasm.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Well, Senor Sarcasm,
it appears that you

and your friend will be our
guests for some time yet.

- Well, what, I can't stay here.

I have an appointment
of the utmost importance

in the morning.

- Have you ever heard
a mini sequestro?

It means itty bitty kidnapping.

Well, at least until we
clean all your ATM accounts.

Generalissimo thanks
you in advance for your

generous contribution.

- Wait, what, I
don't have any money.

I mean, hey, I mean,
just the other day

I had to put down my pet budgie

because I couldn't even
afford the vet bills.

- We call her LaMuta, the mute.

Because those red
motherfucking cowards

cut out her tongue.

Chimmy, show Mr. Mitch
what they did to you.

- Nah, that's okay, I don't.

(speaks forgeign language)

What the jacket?

No, not the jacket.

Well, uh, hey, hey, what.

Oh, come on.

I need that.

- What is that?

(speaks in foreign language)

(foreign word)

Eggs?

- Oh, I forgot those were
in there from earlier.

What are you doing?

Aw, come on.

(clatter)

- What's this?

- Uh, that's my
actor's headshot.

Please be careful with that.

- So, you like to play
act for a living, no?

Like Peter Pan, no?

Do you think women want to
fuck Peter Pan, Senor Mitch?

Over here, tell us
something interesting

about this acting of yours.

Por favor, Senor Mitch.

- Um, something interesting
about my acting.

Well, uh, actually, to
best illustrate the two

distinct styles of acting, um,

maybe I could tell
you a little story

about what happened on
the set of a little film,

I like to call, Marathon Man.

So, you have Dusty
Hoffman, who hails from the

Method style of acting,

and he's doing this scene
with Sir Larry Olivier,

who hails from the more
traditional British style

of acting.

And uh, he, he couldn't
find his emotional core,

and, and, so, he, uh,
turned to Dusty, and

and said to him, he said,
"Dusty, why don't you

"try acting?"

Um, acting, to
Dusty, he said that.

- So, Senor Mitch,
this is your legacy?

All this childish
play, and the endless.

(speaks foreign language)

- I believe the word
you're looking for is

whining.

- Si.

All these endless whining
this is your puny legacy.

No?

- We are here to remember

our dearly departed, Mitch,

who tried his best, but,

alas, his best was
far from good enough.

Hiding behind the last refuge

of the insignificant sarcasm,

Mitch's minuscule
abilities as an actor,

were matched only
by his diminutive

and seldom used genitalia.

A daydreamer, bereft
of any lasting

human relationships,

not to mention a
euthanizer of pet birds.

Mitch's legacy sadly is doomed

to be remembered by no one.

(percussion sounds)

(sizzling)

(mystical music)

(alarm sound)

- Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Oh, God, oh thank, oh.

Thank, gracias.

Gracias.

Ah, ah, ah.

I'm an actor, actoral,
I, I have an, a big

audition, no,

I have to go, big audition.

Aw, come on, Mitch.

Look, I sound like Tarzan.

Uh, uh, Marlon Brando, uh,

Robert De Niro.

Come on, Mitch, no, no, no.

Come on, who do
young people like?

Ah, ah, Seth Rogen.

Seth Rogen.

(imitates Seth Rogan chuckling)

Seth Rogen, si, yes, yes, yes.

Please.

Oh, yes.

Ah, ah, ah.

Thank you, ah, ah, ah.

(rustling)

Oh.

(swish)

Dunc, Dunc.

We've got to go.

Dunc.

- What the fuck do
you want, Mitch?

- We, we got to go, like,
I think you brought us

to some paramilitary
Hooters or something.

We've got to go.

- I'm not going anywhere.

Jesus, that Anaconda
hooch kicks like a mule.

Get the hell out of here.

(bouncy music with
strong percussion)

(crash)

- Dunc.

We hardly knew ye.

(thud)

(dramatic music)

(squeaking)

(frenzied music)

(birds chirping)

Where's my car?

- Someone better hurry if he's

going to make that audition.

- What?

How do you know about that?

- Please, Sir, time
is of the essence.

(thud)

(humming motor)

(soft, slow music)

(soothing guitar)

(clunk)

I believe we've arrived, Sir.

Oh, and hey.

Don't forget to, um,

break a leg, as they say.

(clunk)

- Ah.

My name's Blutarsky,
Detective Blutarsky.

- [Voiceover] Who are you?

- My name's Blutarsky,
Detective Blutarsky,

from Downtown Division.

- [Voiceover] No.

Who are you?

- What, my name's
Mitch, uh, I'm an actor,

I'm playing the part
of Detective Blutarsky.

Are you asking me the
character I'm playing,

Detective Blutarsky, or are
you asking my actor's name,

Mitch, I mean, what are
you asking me, I mean.

- [Voiceover] Who
the fuck are you?

- Detective Blutarsky.

That's who I'm playing.

- [Voiceover] I
said, who are you?

- Oh, God.

I don't know.

(clunk)

- What do I have
to do to get you

through that door, Mitch?

- What do you mean?

- You name it, I'll
do anything you want.

I mean, we haven't seen
each other for what?

30 years?

But I really need you
with me on this, Mitch.

- Well.

You'll do anything?

- You name it.

I promise.

- Okay, I got it.

- Great.

What is it?

(heavy guitar music)

Aw, no, Mitch, not that.

- What?

You promised, Dunc.

(energetic rock music)

♪ Another day

♪ You're bumming on the dole

♪ Every Christmas is a
bleeding lump of coal

♪ I wish my potheads

♪ Would pull up Ray Pauley

♪ Maybe we'll start a riot

♪ Down on the trolley

♪ Because we're young,

♪ British, and snotty

♪ Young, British and snotty

♪ Aw, come on, mate

(vibrant music)

- Generalissimo is
going to kill me.

(speaks in foreign language)

Ah, come on, please.

Just come off, I am so sorry,

my beautiful, beautiful
Generalissimo.