All language subtitles for last.man.standing.us.s09e14.1080p.web.h264-cakes

Hey, there's more chamomile
tea if you want some.

Uh, actually I moved to beer.

But I-I'll compromise
with you... I can drink it hot.

- Have you got a-a text or anything from Eve?
- Well, uh, yeah.

- The good news is she's close.
- Good.

The bad news is she has to be
back on the base on Saturday.

What? You know what,

we could just write
the Air Force a note,

like we did when she
was in high school.

I know, it's so unfair.

We haven't seen
her since forever.

And at first it was
gonna be five days

and then it was four, and now

we-we've lost one of those.

Well,
I guess we're just gonna do more with less.

And by that,
I mean more of my stuff and less of yours.

Oh, I just want to hold her.

You know, I've done the math,
and she owes me 235 hugs

and four "I love yous."

- 'Cause, you know, she gives those less often, so...
- Yeah.

I actually have to ask
her to stop saying it.

It gets so embarrassing.

Look, don't think you're
gonna keep her all to yourself.

We all want to
spend time with her,

including her two nieces.

They're toddlers.

Kids don't really
get interesting

till they're around
seven years old.

And then you become fascinating.

Yeah, you're riveting.

Just relax. Plenty of time
to spend with the girls.

I'm a grown man.

I know how to share.

At ease, civilians.

Oh! Hey!

- Hey, old man.
- Hey. How are you?

- Out of the way, get out of the way!
- Ah, hey!

Oh, God! Oh, my God.

Wow, it's gonna be a long weekend,
isn't it?

Yeah, by the time you're done

- you're gonna be a panini.
- Okay, I just...

- Ooh, good morning! - Ugh...

Oh, and another Mom hug.

How many are we up to now?

Well, it doesn't matter,
because I am just gonna

- keep raising the limit.
- Okay.

So what's for chow?

That's military for food.

I know, but you can't keep

giving away military
secrets like that.

Well, since it's been forever
since I made an Eve breakfast,

we made your...

Favorite.

- Chicken on a ladder?
- That's right.

Two eggs on a ladder

- made of sausage and bacon strips.
- Yes!

I call it the
Stairway to Heaven.

- Is she... Eve! - Hey!

- - Oh, oh, you, too.

Haven't you guys ever
heard of a handshake?

Can you stay for breakfast?

Uh, no, I would love to,
but some of us have to work.

Well, just call your boss
and tell him that you're sick.

Wait a minute...

Oh, no,
I just came by to give her a hug.

We will see you at 2:00,
uh, it's the perfect time.

'Cause it's post-nap, pre-poop.

Great.

- - Okay, can't wait.

I will see you then.

Dad,
you have to get me out of this.

No, no,
he's not gonna get you out of this.

Come on,
you should want to see your nieces.

I do. You can just have them over,
turn on the TV,

and I'll look at them.

No, no, no...

Come on, they're family,
you got to get to know them,

bond with them. After that crap's over,

then we can do something fun.

All right.

Fine.

But now that they're old
enough to know what's cool,

I got to say, I feel bad

- for Mandy and Kristin. - Why?

Because they're your
garden-variety moms.

I fly jets,
okay? I'm a bona fide superhero.

They-they can't
compete with that.

You're sounding a
little full of yourself.

No, no, no,
I know where she's coming from.

I've spent my whole life,
you know,

being... riveting.

Ah.

Right. It's-it's
actually a burden.

Tell me about it.

I got to tamp down
the Mike Baxter wattage

- every time I leave the house.
- Yeah.

I got to tamp down my breakfast.

- Spoken like a "normy." - Yeah.

Well,
I guess you're just gonna have

to take your
awesomeness down a notch

and... pretend you're me.

I think she's being
a little sarcastic.

But it's actually good advice.

- Hey! - Oh!

Get a load of Kyle.

Looking very dapper.

Who died?

Oh, nobody.

Well, I mean,
I'm sure somebody did.

Just hopefully no one I know.

Not that I wish
misfortune on strangers.

Okay, man,
I-I guess what we're saying, Kyle,

- is you-you-you look nice.
- Yeah.

Oh,
thanks. I have a presentation

in my homiletics
class this afternoon.

Homi-what-ics?

Homiletics. It's a-it's a
fancy name for preaching.

- Yeah, it's my toughest seminary class.
- Mm-hmm.

Boy, you sure go through
a lot of trouble and expense

to become a minister.

Joe's right. You
should find some cheap,

easy way to serve the Lord.

Yeah.

Wait, you're kidding, right?

I am,
but this is not Joe's area of expertise.

Oh, yeah? - CHUCK: Yeah.

I've been a minister for years.

I got a certificate
and everything.

Where'd you get it,
out of a box of Goofy Flakes?

I got it online.

It cost 50 bucks.

Well,
that's what they said it cost,

but I lied on the application...

got financial aid.

Well,
I guess all that really matters

is that you feel the calling to
spread God's message of love.

Exactly,
until that day He calls the UFOs

to return us to the sun.

Uh...

that's not what I believe, Joe.

That's 'cause you're
still learning the stuff.

Remember,
I'm already a minister.

Oh! You're eating pie?

We're gonna take Eve out
to dinner when she gets back.

This is pre-eating.

And fruit pie really
doesn't count.

It's just like eating an apple.

Well, look, uh, she spent the
afternoon with the little girls,

so I guess we're
gonna have to cancel

some of the plans
we have with her.

Don't touch the "T.T.O.O.D.M."

And W.H.A.T is that?

"Throw Things Off Outdoor Man."

It also is the sound it makes
when the stuff hits the ground.

Ta-doom! Eve
loves that... ta-doom.

Hey-hey, how'd it go?

How much of your awesomeness
did you have to tamp down on?

None of it. I-I was 100% Eve.

Oh, come on, you're insane. Did the girls,
like, pass out?

Well, tell us everything.

Okay, um...

my nieces hate my guts.

You know,
I knew there was something

about those two
little ones I didn't like.

What do you mean,
your nieces hate you?

Oh,
they don't hate you. That's the finger

they use to point with.

No, no, they-they do.

I did all my best stuff.

Uh, zombie impressions,
the finger-through-the-head trick,

my best armpit farts, Dad.

You stole my whole act?

I just...

I mean, I don't-I don't get it.

When-when Boyd was their age,

he thought I was the
coolest person in the world.

That's because you and Boyd,
you like the same stuff.

That Boyd could flick
a booger really far.

Not as far as you. I
did measure one time

we were doing that in the
backyard and you were like...

Yeah, well, look,
Sarah and Evelyn are,

they're just into completely
different things, thank God.

Well,
I gave the aunt thing a shot.

So what are we gonna do?

All this talk has given me a
craving to do something gross.

Well,
the simple solution would be throw stuff

off the roof of Outdoor Man.

Oh, yes, that would be great.
Remember that sewing machine

that Mandy didn't want anymore?

Or the-the... the
one that we thought

she didn't want anymore?

That would be the simple solution,
I said,

but the right solution
is to take another shot

with your nieces. You
got to be a good aunt.

Can't I just be the strange aunt

they only see at
weddings and funerals?

Oh, you know what,
I should give my sister April a call.

You want to bond with children,

you got to get into their world.

I-I don't know what that means.

Well, uh, no,
it means if you're gonna play with them,

you have to adjust to them.

They'll tell you what they like.

Yep,
over and over and over again.

Yeah, yeah,
you-you just let them take the lead.

You might have to sacrifice,
uh, snots or farts

or whatever, um,

but there's other
fun stuff to do.

But what if they
want to have a...

tea party?

Then you have a tea party.
You get out that little set,

it's... put the little pinky up,

hold the top and
you pour like this.

And get those little cups
and the favorite part is

you got to... don't,
don't, it's hot!

You got to blow it.

It's really hot.

These little cups,
they're so cute,

'cause they got these
little tiny flowers on them,

and the little,
the little tiny...

so hot, it's...

Who are you?

Father to three
daughters. I've braided hair,

I've had tea parties,
I know every word

to "Under the Sea."

I bet you were so happy
when I came along.

What do you mean? I
love all my daughters.

But, my God, yes.

No, wait, but then,
but then I was the one who had to learn

how to shoot arrows,
and put on war paint and...

oh, gosh,
I still know every damn line

of dialogue to Predator.

Getting to know kids

sometimes requires you to
get out of your comfort zone.

But I like my comfort zone.

- It's all... broken in.
- Evie, just...

give it a try,
okay? They're having...

they're having a little
princess party tonight.

Why don't you go over there

and I guarantee
they're gonna love you.

Okay. If you can make it
through Schwarzenegger

and Dad can be Mrs. Doubtfire...

I might as well.

Excellent, milady.

You'll enjoy yourself.

You, you get to the chopper!

Go!

To the chopper!

Hey,
how's that Hooked on Phonics class going?

Homiletics.

It was rough.

My professor says my preaching
needs to be more dynamic.

He's right! You know,
you got to grab them from the get-go.

You know what people
spark to right now?

Atlantis.

I don't think Denver
Theological Seminary wants me

preaching about Atlantis.

Well,
try Bigfoot or just make it up.

What?

No, I can't make it up,
I need to preach from the Bible.

Uh, I'm pretty sure Atlantis

is in the Bible.

No, it isn't.

Neither are spaceships
that go to the sun or Bigfoot.

Which Bible are
you talking about?

The Bible.

The one that tells the story
of God's plan for humanity.

You know,
if you want to make preaching easier,

maybe you should start with
just making up what's in it.

All right, this is the word of
God. If you don't believe that,

then I don't know what to tell you,
Joe.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey. Hey, hey.

What the hell is going on here?

I-I was just trying to
explain something to Joe.

Look, I'm just helping the
kid with school. It's okay.

What? It's not okay. It's not.

This is not church, Kyle.

I don't want you
telling people here

what they should
or shouldn't believe.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

Mm.

He's right.

Forgive me, Joe.

I'm just a man,
Kyle. I can't forgive.

That's a job for the whales.

Oh, hey.

Uh, so,
when Eve gets back from Kristin's,

we still have time
to do one more thing,

and I vote for tapas and
a stroll through LoDo.

I vote for billiards and
burgers at JB's Pub.

- - Oh, hey.

- Well. - Whoa.

You really went all-out. Um,
how did it go?

It sucked.

- Oh. - What do you mean?

I don't really want to talk about it,
Dad. Okay?

I hope you're gonna
clean up all this glitter.

So, she still won't talk to me.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I-I really hoped

that the Air Force would soften Eve,
but...

Well,
the important thing is that you tried,

not that you failed.

Uh, well,
you know what? Why don't you go up there.

Because I don't
know what's going on.

Oh, I don't know. It just
doesn't make any sense.

- Yeah.
- I mean, how could our sweet,

adorable granddaughters
hate Eve? I...

Well, we know Eve,
but do we really know anything

about those toddlers?

Hello? - We're in here.

- Hey.
- Hi. Sorry, we left Nancy Bear.

- Ah. - Hey, did Eve tell you

what a fantastic day
she had with the girls?

Damn right she did,
but you can always hear

a good story twice, right?

It was so cute.
She was adorable with them.

She-she got down on the floor
and played and sang songs.

She was like that Elmo we hired.

Except sober.

- So, so, it went well?
- Oh, my God.

All I could hear were
those little girls laughing.

- Like, really, really laughing.
- Hmm.

And they had a tea party.

And Evelyn served the tea,
and Sarah made cake,

and-and Eve made it really fun.

Did she put her pinky
in the air? 'Cause that's...

That-that came from me.

Isn't he riveting?

Anyway,
the girls love their Auntie Eve.

Even I'm starting to like her.

- Bye.
- See ya.

I mean,
do you think Eve misread the whole thing?

I mean, look, she's not that
great at picking up on feelings.

No, she's good at picking on
other people that have feelings.

Yeah. Right.

Hey,
Mr. Alzate? Can I have a minute?

I wanted to apologize

for arguing about
religion with a coworker.

I have reported myself to me,

and I will be dealt with.

Good. Let's-let's sit down. Sit down,
s-son.

Uh, Chuck told me

how this thing
with Joe got started.

Now, you realize he was
just yanking your chain, right?

- Yeah, of-of course.
- Yeah, you know.

- No, I didn't. -

Well, he was.

Joe is like that. You know,
he's-he's an idiot,

so-so don't let it bother you,
all right?

It's not really what Joe
said that's bothering me. It...

I'm really struggling
in my homiletics class.

That's the study...

Yeah, I-I know what it is. So,
what's the...

what's the problem with your preaching,
son?

Well,
my professor says I'm not dynamic enough.

I-I need to figure out some way

to make people
interested in what I believe.

Hold on there.

Hmm.

When my old man passed away,
he left me two things:

this Bible,

all right,

and a 1923 Echeverria pistol.

Just let me say that
I spent more time

learning about the pistol.

I didn't know your
dad was religious.

Yeah, he said he was.

I mean,
he spent a lot of time reading this book.

Yeah, but his whole life,
the S.O.B. never did one thing

that made me want to read it.

Yeah, you hear that kind
of thing a lot from people.

Mm.

On the other hand...

everything you do

makes me wonder
what you see in this book.

- It does? - Mm.

Yes, it does, Kyle.

See, I don't know what your
homiletics professor wants,

but from where I sit,

you just being you

is pretty dynamic to me.

Thank you, sir.

- That really helps. - Good.

Oh, just one thing.

And remember,

"God helps those
who help themselves."

That's actually
Benjamin Franklin.

I know that. Get out, Kyle.

Who wants to clean a shotgun?

Go away, Dad.

All right.

I just said go away.

Oh,
I'm-I'm sorry. I thought you said,

"Please come in 'cause
you paid for the house."

I really don't feel
like talking about it.

Uh, you don't feel like talking

about the fact that
you actually had

a great time with your nieces?

Yeah, it was great.

They're just so adorable,

and I...

- I love them. - Hmm.

How could I let this happen?

Well, it isn't really the
fact that you let it happen.

It actually happened to you.

You should have seen us,
Dad. We were laughing

and goofing around and
drinking imaginary tea.

I love to do that with them,
but, you know,

I sneak a little
bourbon in there.

They don't know. And I,
you know, don't let them have it

'cause I think it's
against the law.

We spun around until
we got dizzy and fell down.

I almost threw up.

It was awesome.

Did they give you
the greatest line ever?

To me, there was,
"Grampy, get up.

Are you sleeping,
Grampy? Get up. Get up."

They called me "Auntie Eeb."

How cute is that?

They're adorable.

That's how they get to you.

You know? And the
next thing you know,

you're wearing a necklace
made out of macaroni.

I mean,
and then you have to leave.

That was the worst.

I was trying to walk to the
car without crying my eyes out,

and I saw them at the door,
giggling and saying,

"See ya later, abigator."

Yeah, leaving is hard.

Well, it wasn't for you. I mean,
you-you used to leave

for Outdoor Man
trips all the time.

Just say goodbye,
and that's it. See ya.

I mean,
I want to be that cold and unfeeling.

No offense.

Well, I hate to say it,
but, uh, you are like me.

There's something else.

Leaving for those trips

was-was the hardest
thing I've ever done.

So,
it broke your heart to leave us?

I don't want to talk about it.

So, what? That's it? No
helpful advice? Nothing?

All I got is the
harder the goodbye,

the sweeter the hello.

So, I'm not weak

for wanting to bawl my
eyes out over two toddlers?

It's hard, isn't it?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey,
I just got a text from Mandy.

Don't worry about the typos,
Mom.

English is basically her second language.

No, she said, uh,

she said the little
ladies are ready for bed,

and they want their "Auntie
Eeb" to come read them a story.

Really? Oh! - VANESSA: Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm there.

Oh, my God,
I hope they have Green Eggs and Ham.

Remember you used to read that to me,
Dad?

- I'll do stuff with you guys next time, okay?
- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.
- All right. I promise. Bye.

Well...

Is it wrong that I hate toddlers

because they're taking
my daughter away from me?

You okay?

Uh-huh.

You sure?

Uh-huh.

How 'bout we-we crack a beer

and-and go sit in your truck
and listen to some oldies?

Uh-uh.

Want to have a tea party?

- With bourbon? - Oh. Uh-huh.

Hey,
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Outdoor lucky man, really.

I have a family filled with
people I actually like to see.

Good thing,
because there's always one of them

in my kitchen.

But I know everyone has a twitch

at the holidays when
the doorbell rings.

- - And you go, "Oh, wow!

"Surprised us this year,
Uncle Ted.

I thought you had passed."

The only good thing
about those visits

is the sweet relief
of them leaving.

"Okay, drive safe.

"Or... or not.

Just drive away."

A lot of people hate
saying goodbye.

What are we avoiding, you know?

The real
sadness of leaving someone

or having someone
leave that we love,

especially when you don't
know if you'll ever see them again.

Kind of like saying goodbye
to your favorite TV show.

Damn.

Thought I wouldn't get upset.

But it's okay.

There's nothing of greater value

than a meaningful
connection with a loved one.

And the price we pay for that is
feeling sad when we say goodbye.

Seems worth it to me.

I'm sure you're
feeling that right now,

knowing this... vlog
is coming to an end.

Baxter out.

>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org