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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:46,819 --> 00:00:52,573 A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour. 2 00:00:53,408 --> 00:00:57,660 Hey, woah, absolutely not. No. 3 00:00:57,661 --> 00:01:02,488 Look, if you don't wanna do it, you don't have to do it. 4 00:01:02,489 --> 00:01:05,834 - Okay, good, I don't want to do it. - Fine. 5 00:01:08,003 --> 00:01:10,253 Goddamn! 6 00:01:10,254 --> 00:01:13,005 I'm alive! 7 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,423 That's amazing! 8 00:01:15,424 --> 00:01:19,553 I know, right? So... 9 00:01:21,513 --> 00:01:25,223 - You ready to go again? - Absolutely not. 10 00:01:25,807 --> 00:01:27,184 Fine. 11 00:01:27,185 --> 00:01:31,311 Don't just say "fine", and then shoot me in the chest. 'Cause it's not cool. 12 00:01:31,312 --> 00:01:32,980 Like, at all. 13 00:01:32,981 --> 00:01:35,982 Okay! Jeez. 14 00:01:43,572 --> 00:01:47,574 I always wondered why no one tried to be a superhero before me. 15 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:51,076 It turns out somebody had. Mindy Macready. 16 00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:56,706 After her dad died, his old partner on the force, Marcus, became her guardian. 17 00:01:57,582 --> 00:01:59,626 - Nice backpack. - Thanks. 18 00:01:59,627 --> 00:02:01,877 Steal it from a six-year old? 19 00:02:01,878 --> 00:02:04,338 Marcus dropped her off everyday. 20 00:02:04,339 --> 00:02:08,050 And as soon as he was gone, so was she. 21 00:02:08,925 --> 00:02:11,676 No one in school found out 'cause she hacked into the server 22 00:02:11,677 --> 00:02:14,930 and gave herself the award for perfect attendance. 23 00:02:14,931 --> 00:02:17,932 Hit-Girl and Big Daddy had been the real deal. 24 00:02:18,933 --> 00:02:24,188 Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask, as long as there are criminals to take down. 25 00:02:25,773 --> 00:02:29,815 But no matter how many drug dealers she's stopped... 26 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:32,444 She couldn't stop feeling alone. 27 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:37,614 Me? I've given up being a superhero 'cause it was way too dangerous. 28 00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:40,491 The only problem? I was dying of boredom. 29 00:02:40,492 --> 00:02:44,078 Like most high school seniors, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. 30 00:02:44,079 --> 00:02:46,663 Hell, I didn't know what channel I wanted to watch. 31 00:02:46,664 --> 00:02:49,830 It's just TV, Dave, not peace in the middle east. 32 00:02:49,831 --> 00:02:51,832 My best friends Todd and Marty have no clue 33 00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:54,001 I was the first superhero to go public. 34 00:02:54,002 --> 00:02:56,087 Did you guys watch Spiderman last night? 35 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,239 Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard? 36 00:02:58,265 --> 00:02:59,923 Not if you're a granny slammer. 37 00:02:59,924 --> 00:03:02,436 They may wear costumes but it isn't Halloween. 38 00:03:02,462 --> 00:03:04,093 They're real life superheroes. 39 00:03:04,094 --> 00:03:08,180 In the two years since the first ordinary citizens donned capes and masks, 40 00:03:08,181 --> 00:03:10,431 the movement has started to spread. 41 00:03:10,432 --> 00:03:12,683 I became a superhero because of Kick-Ass. 42 00:03:12,684 --> 00:03:16,519 Yeah, you just come home from work, you grab your gear and you go out on patrol. 43 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,813 Help us make the streets safe. 44 00:03:18,814 --> 00:03:21,898 I inspired all those people to get off their asses. 45 00:03:21,899 --> 00:03:23,984 And now I was stuck on mine. 46 00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:28,780 So that night after dinner, I decided to get my own costume out. 47 00:03:30,365 --> 00:03:33,365 - I'm sorry. - Woah! Can't you knock? 48 00:03:33,366 --> 00:03:34,934 You know, buddy, it's perfectly normal 49 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,053 - for you to touch yourself. - Jesus, Dad, get out! 50 00:03:39,372 --> 00:03:44,667 If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious. 51 00:03:45,543 --> 00:03:46,376 Hey! 52 00:03:46,377 --> 00:03:48,503 Hey, can we chat? 53 00:03:48,504 --> 00:03:50,046 Please, Mindy. 54 00:03:50,047 --> 00:03:53,925 Get in the cab. The meter's running. 55 00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:57,927 I wanna team up, like Batman and Robin. 56 00:03:58,262 --> 00:04:02,431 - Nobody wants to be Robin. - What's wrong with Robin? 57 00:04:02,432 --> 00:04:06,267 - Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin? - Robin wishes he was me. 58 00:04:06,268 --> 00:04:10,979 What I'm trying to say is, we should be partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo. 59 00:04:10,980 --> 00:04:16,399 - I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play B-League. - So, train me. 60 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:21,404 I wanna walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. 61 00:04:21,405 --> 00:04:24,949 Aren't you tired of being on your own? 62 00:04:24,950 --> 00:04:28,576 Don't you wanna know someone's there for you? 63 00:04:28,577 --> 00:04:31,996 Someone who's got your back. 64 00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:41,420 - And you'll do anything I say. - Anything. 65 00:04:41,421 --> 00:04:43,297 Hit me. 66 00:04:43,298 --> 00:04:45,716 You're a fifteen- year-old girl... 67 00:04:46,341 --> 00:04:48,174 What the hell? 68 00:04:48,175 --> 00:04:51,470 Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch. 69 00:04:57,142 --> 00:04:57,893 Oh, God. 70 00:05:00,518 --> 00:05:04,021 Mindy beat me like morning wood, every day for three weeks. 71 00:05:04,022 --> 00:05:05,897 Come on, guard up! Left, right. 72 00:05:05,898 --> 00:05:07,775 Guard up! 73 00:05:11,319 --> 00:05:15,572 Even with my damaged nerve endings, it hurt like hell. 74 00:05:16,073 --> 00:05:20,492 In a weird way, I kinda liked it. It gave me a sense of purpose. 75 00:05:20,493 --> 00:05:22,535 - What's happened to your face? - Nothing. 76 00:05:22,536 --> 00:05:25,998 Like we were driving towards something. 77 00:05:27,749 --> 00:05:29,500 That's amazing! 78 00:05:30,291 --> 00:05:33,503 All the other people putting on masks were just playing superhero. 79 00:05:33,504 --> 00:05:36,296 We were training to really do it. 80 00:05:36,297 --> 00:05:39,673 I couldn't tell my girlfriend Katie, or Marty and Todd. 81 00:05:39,674 --> 00:05:42,761 But I didn't care. We're having too much fun. 82 00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,638 Left, right, left. 83 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:53,602 Our own superhero team. 84 00:05:54,811 --> 00:05:57,563 This is gonna be balls. 85 00:06:00,566 --> 00:06:03,817 What the hell, mom? Did you delete the news off the DVR? 86 00:06:03,818 --> 00:06:07,904 - Yes, yes, I did, Christopher. - That was the one with Kick-Ass! 87 00:06:07,905 --> 00:06:12,282 Christopher, you've got to stop obsessing over this superhero! 88 00:06:12,283 --> 00:06:14,992 He's not a superhero, Mom. He's a murderer. 89 00:06:14,993 --> 00:06:17,411 He blew up Dad with a bazooka, for fuck's sake! 90 00:06:17,412 --> 00:06:19,497 Your father died in a fire. 91 00:06:19,498 --> 00:06:22,333 A fire? What is your problem? 92 00:06:22,334 --> 00:06:24,584 You! You are my problem. 93 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:28,963 I am trying to raise you to be a, a normal boy. 94 00:06:28,964 --> 00:06:32,882 That's why we moved to Long Island after your father's accident. 95 00:06:32,883 --> 00:06:36,552 A bazooka is not an accident, you delusional bitch. 96 00:06:36,553 --> 00:06:41,723 - This conversation, is over. - Great! Then I'm leaving. 97 00:06:43,016 --> 00:06:44,808 Come on, Javier, be cool. 98 00:06:44,809 --> 00:06:48,396 Sorry, Chris, but your mom pays me not to be cool. 99 00:06:51,898 --> 00:06:56,067 I hate you! You home-school me like I'm a prisoner! 100 00:06:56,068 --> 00:06:59,112 You threw away my Red Mist costume, God! 101 00:06:59,113 --> 00:07:05,200 I am not the problem, you are! I wish you were dead! 102 00:07:10,988 --> 00:07:12,031 Mommy? 103 00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:21,003 - Don't touch that. - I'm sorry, what is it? 104 00:07:21,004 --> 00:07:25,591 It's a last resort. Like, if all else fails and you're about to die. 105 00:07:29,510 --> 00:07:32,387 Are you not scared? To die? 106 00:07:32,388 --> 00:07:34,931 Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants? 107 00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:38,891 I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night? It could happen. 108 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:43,272 If you're scared of dying, one thing is certain. You are going to die. 109 00:07:44,107 --> 00:07:46,942 My Daddy was never afraid of dying. 110 00:07:47,609 --> 00:07:49,901 Look where that got him. 111 00:07:49,902 --> 00:07:53,947 He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day. 112 00:07:55,032 --> 00:07:59,325 And that's why he made me promise I'd never stop defending this city. 113 00:08:00,910 --> 00:08:03,288 Cross my heart. 114 00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:05,540 Hope to die. 115 00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:12,044 Your dad was insane. You know that, right? 116 00:08:12,045 --> 00:08:17,214 You're wrong, Dave. My Daddy was the first real superhero. 117 00:08:17,215 --> 00:08:21,760 Not you or Red Mist. It was my Daddy. 118 00:08:21,761 --> 00:08:25,514 And it was an honor to serve by his side. 119 00:08:36,522 --> 00:08:39,524 - Hey, Mind, how was school? - Super crazy. 120 00:08:39,525 --> 00:08:44,402 Miss Mullins was out today so we had Mr. Cooper teach us Biology. Such a grump... 121 00:08:44,403 --> 00:08:47,154 Oh, really, that's weird, because Principal Emhoff called me yesterday. 122 00:08:47,155 --> 00:08:51,700 Yeah, you were supposed to get an award for perfect attendance but, you didn't attend. 123 00:08:51,701 --> 00:08:54,243 I followed you this morning. I saw you get into a cab 124 00:08:54,244 --> 00:08:57,038 with some boy and I lost you guys over the bridge. 125 00:08:57,039 --> 00:09:00,751 So now you wanna tell me where you really were today? 126 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,839 I'm really sorry, Marcus, I don't wanna make... 127 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,550 Cut the waterworks, Mind. You're fifteen, not five. 128 00:09:15,411 --> 00:09:16,662 Okay. 129 00:09:17,596 --> 00:09:22,016 Look, he asked me to cut class and go to the mall. So, yeah. Yeah, I did. 130 00:09:22,017 --> 00:09:24,308 This has nothing to do with you being Hit-Girl? 131 00:09:24,309 --> 00:09:28,979 I'm not gonna find any, ninja blades, or throwing stars under your bed? 132 00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:33,024 No. I just wanted him to like me, okay? 133 00:09:33,025 --> 00:09:35,817 Sweetie, you know skipping school is not a way to get boys to like you. 134 00:09:35,818 --> 00:09:37,528 - I'm so stupid. - Hey, hey... 135 00:09:37,529 --> 00:09:40,155 You're one of the smartest little girls I know. 136 00:09:40,156 --> 00:09:42,532 Let's go get some pizza. 137 00:09:42,533 --> 00:09:46,953 - Why, you mean I'm not grounded? - Well, just, consider this a warning. 138 00:09:48,412 --> 00:09:50,830 Hey, you sure you wanna give all your mom's things away? 139 00:09:50,831 --> 00:09:53,458 What the hell am I supposed to do with all her stuff? 140 00:09:54,542 --> 00:09:57,293 Damn, she had a nice pair of guns. 141 00:09:57,294 --> 00:10:00,462 Dude, she's dead! Don't talk about her tits! 142 00:10:00,463 --> 00:10:05,467 - I was talking about these. - Oh, those. Those were my Dad's. 143 00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:09,053 Why don't you keep them? 144 00:10:09,303 --> 00:10:11,888 - You sure? - Yeah. I mean they belong to you, right? 145 00:10:11,889 --> 00:10:15,392 Come on, Chris. You're your own man now. 146 00:10:15,393 --> 00:10:18,686 - Just, just be careful, alright? - Yeah. 147 00:10:20,511 --> 00:10:21,711 Whoa! 148 00:10:23,106 --> 00:10:26,859 - Definitely, definitely, don't wanna keep those! - No, no, I'll take care of it! 149 00:10:33,614 --> 00:10:36,450 Take the day off. Later! 150 00:10:40,370 --> 00:10:42,329 - Hey. - So... 151 00:10:42,330 --> 00:10:44,289 You ready for your first field test? 152 00:10:44,290 --> 00:10:49,668 - What am I supposed to do with these? - Put them on, and, uh, go fishing. 153 00:10:59,552 --> 00:11:03,012 - I'm the whitest pimp ever. - That's the idea! 154 00:11:03,013 --> 00:11:04,852 Take your next right, comes out on Flatbush. 155 00:11:04,878 --> 00:11:07,182 Are you sure I should be doing this without my gear? 156 00:11:07,183 --> 00:11:11,226 That's the point. Kick-Ass isn't a costume. Kick-Ass is who you really are. 157 00:11:11,227 --> 00:11:13,061 Dave Lizewski is the mask. 158 00:11:13,062 --> 00:11:16,732 Well, my mask is about to get its' teeth kicked in. 159 00:11:16,983 --> 00:11:18,953 Hey, queer bait. 160 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:21,151 Where you going with those bags, man? 161 00:11:21,152 --> 00:11:24,487 Tell him you're on your way to fuck his mother with a Tobin strap-on. 162 00:11:24,488 --> 00:11:26,489 I'm just taking a walk. 163 00:11:26,490 --> 00:11:29,366 Really isn't what I do, I usually just call the cops. 164 00:11:29,367 --> 00:11:32,160 Who are you talking to, man? 165 00:11:32,161 --> 00:11:36,621 I'm just trying a call. There's, no, uh, service around here? 166 00:11:36,622 --> 00:11:38,873 This sucks, man. Give me the bags, faggot. 167 00:11:38,874 --> 00:11:41,501 Before I make you suck my fat cock, huh? 168 00:11:41,502 --> 00:11:43,503 Come on. 169 00:12:13,894 --> 00:12:17,028 Can you believe I let Mindy beat the snot out of me for weeks 170 00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:21,156 just so I can get my ass kicked again? So much for a team. 171 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:24,285 You ready to die, faggot? 172 00:12:26,411 --> 00:12:31,750 You know, all the homophobic shit makes you sound super gay. 173 00:13:04,675 --> 00:13:07,151 If I ever catch you robbing again, shitburger, 174 00:13:07,152 --> 00:13:10,111 I'mma go Saudi Arabia on your ass and cut your hand off. 175 00:13:10,112 --> 00:13:12,558 Promise me you're done with the life of crime? 176 00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:13,791 I promise. 177 00:13:17,661 --> 00:13:20,411 Pants on fire. 178 00:13:20,412 --> 00:13:23,081 - What did you think? - I think you almost got me killed! 179 00:13:23,082 --> 00:13:25,152 No, what did you think of my line? 180 00:13:25,178 --> 00:13:27,292 "Pants on fire". I wrote a whole bunch full... 181 00:13:27,293 --> 00:13:30,961 Run! I'll tell them you saved me. Go! 182 00:13:31,162 --> 00:13:32,955 Female suspect fleeing Flatbush. 183 00:13:33,081 --> 00:13:36,526 Under five feet, masked, armed with nunchucks and a sword. 184 00:13:49,769 --> 00:13:52,728 - Hey, Mind. - Hey, Marcus, what's up? 185 00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:55,064 I see you answered your phone. That means you're not in school. 186 00:13:55,065 --> 00:14:00,659 I was, but I wasn't feeling so good. And so, the nurse decided to send me home. 187 00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:01,568 Poor thing. 188 00:14:01,594 --> 00:14:04,797 Well, I'm almost home. I'll make you some soup and we can watch Jeopardy. 189 00:14:04,798 --> 00:14:08,842 - Alright, I'll see you soon, okay? - All right. 190 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,346 Shit! 191 00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,661 You got my soup? 192 00:15:06,787 --> 00:15:09,205 Let me take your temperature first. 193 00:15:09,206 --> 00:15:12,834 - You're really clammy. - I'll feel better after a nap-nap. 194 00:15:12,835 --> 00:15:17,254 Close your eyes. Then I'll make you that soup. 195 00:15:20,924 --> 00:15:22,760 Is that blood? 196 00:15:23,551 --> 00:15:26,343 Damn it, Mindy. I can't do this anymore. 197 00:15:26,344 --> 00:15:29,888 Your father was like a brother to me. He was a great cop and a hero. 198 00:15:29,889 --> 00:15:32,589 But Big Daddy, that was not your father, okay? 199 00:15:32,615 --> 00:15:35,518 That was someone who robbed you of your childhood. 200 00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,394 And this... 201 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:41,690 Hit-Girl. That's not who you are. 202 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:46,277 You are Mindy Macready. 203 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,029 You're just starting high school. 204 00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:52,128 I understand that you don't know who that person is, yet, but you will. 205 00:15:52,154 --> 00:15:54,283 You just gotta try. 206 00:15:54,284 --> 00:15:55,276 I don't want to... 207 00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,679 You don't know what you want. You can't. 208 00:15:57,805 --> 00:15:59,245 You're not an adult, not yet. 209 00:15:59,246 --> 00:16:03,916 Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years than most adults have in their lifetime. 210 00:16:03,917 --> 00:16:06,475 That note that your father gave you, 211 00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:09,085 the one you were supposed to open if anything ever happened to him. 212 00:16:09,086 --> 00:16:10,292 What did it say? 213 00:16:10,318 --> 00:16:12,088 That you would take care of me. 214 00:16:12,089 --> 00:16:14,549 And that you were supposed to listen to me, right? 215 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,972 Well, listen up. I want you in school, 216 00:16:16,998 --> 00:16:18,594 I want you to stop talking to that boy 217 00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:22,932 and I want you to promise me that this is never gonna happen again. 218 00:16:35,525 --> 00:16:38,276 Cross my heart. 219 00:16:38,277 --> 00:16:40,153 Hope to die. 220 00:16:42,062 --> 00:16:43,856 Good. 221 00:16:58,334 --> 00:17:00,043 Mindy. What the hell? 222 00:17:00,044 --> 00:17:02,588 First, you almost get me killed, then you stand me up. 223 00:17:02,614 --> 00:17:03,836 Dave, I'm sorry. 224 00:17:04,137 --> 00:17:07,934 - You are? - I am. 225 00:17:08,467 --> 00:17:10,718 For everything. 226 00:17:10,719 --> 00:17:12,761 Okay, great. 227 00:17:12,762 --> 00:17:16,681 I mean, apologetic isn't a word I'd use to describe you. 228 00:17:16,682 --> 00:17:19,225 How many times do I have to say it? 229 00:17:19,251 --> 00:17:21,434 Look, let's get out of here. 230 00:17:21,435 --> 00:17:24,107 You gotta ease up, I think I might've broken a rib. 231 00:17:24,133 --> 00:17:25,522 Dave, I'm done... 232 00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:29,232 - With training? - With everything. 233 00:17:29,233 --> 00:17:32,904 Wait, you mean everything? 234 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:38,573 You can't. You're Hit-Girl. We were gonna start a team. 235 00:17:38,574 --> 00:17:41,410 You can't just quit, this is who you are. 236 00:17:41,411 --> 00:17:44,495 Not anymore, Dave. 237 00:17:44,496 --> 00:17:48,373 I'm sorry, but it's over. I'm done. 238 00:17:48,374 --> 00:17:50,290 Just leave me alone. 239 00:17:50,291 --> 00:17:52,292 Would you stop apologizing!? 240 00:17:52,293 --> 00:17:54,604 I don't know what's worse. 241 00:17:54,630 --> 00:17:57,714 That you're fucking a ninth-grader or that you just got dumped by one? 242 00:17:57,715 --> 00:17:58,839 Pedophile freak! 243 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,675 - It's not like that! - What is it like? Please, tell me. 244 00:18:01,676 --> 00:18:04,636 I can't. It's to do with the "Kick-Ass" thing. 245 00:18:04,637 --> 00:18:06,469 I've got a secret for you. 246 00:18:06,470 --> 00:18:07,647 You remember Malick? 247 00:18:07,673 --> 00:18:09,889 Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange? 248 00:18:09,890 --> 00:18:12,892 His baton is so much bigger than "Kick-Ass'" 249 00:18:12,893 --> 00:18:15,978 - No. - Yeah. 250 00:18:15,979 --> 00:18:20,064 - And by "baton", I mean penis. - Yeah, I got that, thanks. 251 00:18:20,065 --> 00:18:22,692 15 ditching 20, pervert. 252 00:18:22,693 --> 00:18:26,528 A freshman, Dave! You salty dog. 253 00:18:26,529 --> 00:18:30,364 What's the problem? Grass in the field, play ball, right? 254 00:18:30,390 --> 00:18:31,698 No, Todd. 255 00:18:31,699 --> 00:18:35,160 Chris, your tutor's here. Chris! 256 00:18:35,161 --> 00:18:37,537 Chris, your tu... 257 00:18:37,538 --> 00:18:39,495 Holy shit! 258 00:18:39,496 --> 00:18:41,778 What the hell is that? 259 00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:43,541 My Destiny. 260 00:18:43,542 --> 00:18:46,585 Chris, just, just 'cause your Mom like to get a little freaky, now... 261 00:18:46,586 --> 00:18:48,587 I know what my role is in this, Javier... 262 00:18:48,588 --> 00:18:52,256 My dad was a crime boss, so it just makes sense... 263 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:56,177 I'm a supervillain. It's evolution. 264 00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:58,845 Come on, c'mon, just put those things down before you hurt somebody, Chris. 265 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:02,556 - Nah, that's my name. - Okay, okay, uhh, Red, Red Mist... 266 00:19:02,557 --> 00:19:08,145 Red Mist was my superhero name. Henceforth, I'll be known as... 267 00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:10,221 The Motherfucker. 268 00:19:12,023 --> 00:19:14,849 After Mindy quit, I decided to stop hitting 269 00:19:14,875 --> 00:19:16,625 the heavy bag and start hitting the streets. 270 00:19:16,626 --> 00:19:19,921 - Hey, Kick-Ass! Welcome back! - Yeah! 271 00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:21,988 You're the best, man! 272 00:19:21,989 --> 00:19:25,574 Only problem? I was still on my own. 273 00:19:25,575 --> 00:19:30,078 So I went online and found a Physics professor calling himself "Dr. Gravity". 274 00:19:30,079 --> 00:19:33,330 Sure, he wasn't Hit-Girl, but I had to start somewhere. 275 00:19:33,331 --> 00:19:36,041 This is the Zero-G device I invented. 276 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:39,294 - It can levitate any object up to a ton. - For real? 277 00:19:39,295 --> 00:19:44,672 Hell, no, man! This is a baseball bat wrapped in tin foil! But it fooled you! 278 00:19:44,673 --> 00:19:46,674 Hey, can I get a Diet Mountain Dew, please? 279 00:19:46,675 --> 00:19:49,327 I'm not even a Physics professor. Just a copyright I put, 280 00:19:49,353 --> 00:19:51,887 an ad thing, you see. But that's why I love this stuff. 281 00:19:51,888 --> 00:19:54,764 You can be anyone you want. 282 00:19:54,765 --> 00:19:59,267 - You done many team-ups before? - Kind of. Yeah. No, not really. 283 00:19:59,268 --> 00:20:01,603 I was getting kinda nervous about being on my own. 284 00:20:01,604 --> 00:20:05,397 Yeah, me too. I've never even been in a fight. 285 00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:09,026 Well, hopefully, you won't have to. 286 00:20:09,027 --> 00:20:12,152 Hey, I printed a guy talking about forming a team if you're interested. 287 00:20:12,153 --> 00:20:15,029 I don't know how serious he is, but his picture was pretty hardcore. 288 00:20:15,030 --> 00:20:18,366 Are you kidding me? That's why I contacted you. 289 00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:20,992 I didn't wanna freak you out by bringing it up too soon, y'know? 290 00:20:20,993 --> 00:20:24,121 I'll show you his profile after I hit the men's room. 291 00:20:25,121 --> 00:20:27,873 You're uncle Ralph's not gonna be happy about this, Chris. 292 00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:30,834 - That's not my name. - I'm not calling you that, forget it. 293 00:20:30,835 --> 00:20:32,982 Javier, you worked for my Dad. 294 00:20:33,008 --> 00:20:35,587 Then you worked for my Mom. Now, you work for me. 295 00:20:35,588 --> 00:20:38,589 I'm probably the richest kid in New York City. 296 00:20:38,590 --> 00:20:43,637 But if you don't like that, find yourself another motherfucking job, okay? 297 00:20:44,471 --> 00:20:46,387 Yo, Kick-Ass! 298 00:20:46,388 --> 00:20:50,140 - Man, am I glad to see you. - Is there anything I can do to help, sir? 299 00:20:50,141 --> 00:20:53,728 Yeah, I was hoping you can help me get a million hits on YouTube! 300 00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:00,984 Come on. Come on! 301 00:21:16,538 --> 00:21:19,790 - God! - Run, Kick-Ass! Run! 302 00:21:21,874 --> 00:21:24,919 Jersey Shore, motherfucker! 303 00:21:25,294 --> 00:21:29,172 What, not interested in a fair fight, huh? 304 00:21:29,548 --> 00:21:31,716 That is not a fair fight. 305 00:21:31,717 --> 00:21:35,011 Team meeting tomorrow! I'll e-mail you the address. 306 00:21:35,636 --> 00:21:38,053 Beware Dr. Gravity! 307 00:21:38,054 --> 00:21:40,430 You have to admire the Doctor's enthusiasm. 308 00:21:40,831 --> 00:21:43,767 I couldn't wait to meet his friends. 309 00:21:49,606 --> 00:21:51,807 Hands in the air, spud roll. 310 00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:54,533 Empty the register and don't do anything stupid. 311 00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:58,027 Come on! Hey, where are your security cameras? 312 00:21:58,428 --> 00:21:59,842 - We don't have them. - Seriously? 313 00:21:59,868 --> 00:22:01,454 - Too expensive. - What the fuck! 314 00:22:01,455 --> 00:22:03,365 - How is this gonna go viral? - You want to be filmed? 315 00:22:03,366 --> 00:22:05,283 Shut up and just get on the ground! 316 00:22:05,284 --> 00:22:08,286 And you better tell people The Motherfucker was here! 317 00:22:08,487 --> 00:22:10,078 What's wrong with you, boy? 318 00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:13,331 Get on the floor too, Gandalf, or I will bust a cap in your ass! 319 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:16,792 You're gonna bust your own face when that gun kicks if you don't hold it properly. 320 00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,879 Just, get on the ground! 321 00:22:22,798 --> 00:22:25,299 God! Will you hurry up? 322 00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:27,968 I told ya! 323 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,354 Go! Go, go, go! 324 00:22:42,355 --> 00:22:44,439 Start the car! Go, go, go, go, go! Fuck! 325 00:22:45,774 --> 00:22:48,984 That was amazing! I feel so alive! 326 00:22:48,985 --> 00:22:51,195 I know who I am, I know why I'm here. 327 00:22:51,196 --> 00:22:56,032 I'm gonna fuck, this world, up! They will know The Motherfucker's name! 328 00:22:56,033 --> 00:22:59,284 You got to find me some badass MMA types to train me, okay? 329 00:22:59,285 --> 00:23:01,536 Like a, like a Chuck Liddell, or whoever. 330 00:23:01,537 --> 00:23:03,372 Fuck, I don't care how much it costs. 331 00:23:03,398 --> 00:23:06,875 I just wanna be able to kill Kick-Ass with my bare hands. 332 00:23:09,585 --> 00:23:12,629 I gotta Tweet about this. 333 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,170 Alright, you ready? 334 00:23:34,313 --> 00:23:39,441 - I don't know. Am I? - Yes, you are. You look great. 335 00:23:39,442 --> 00:23:41,656 And Barbara's daughter, Brooke, is really nice. 336 00:23:41,682 --> 00:23:43,778 What am I supposed to talk to them about? 337 00:23:43,779 --> 00:23:46,280 I'd rather be waterboarded than listen to Justin Bieber. 338 00:23:46,281 --> 00:23:48,864 - You're gonna be fine. - I'm gonna be a disaster. 339 00:23:48,865 --> 00:23:50,041 How do you know that? 340 00:23:50,067 --> 00:23:52,952 Because it's a slumber party, for fuck's sake? 341 00:23:52,953 --> 00:23:55,789 Dollar. Jar. 342 00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:03,410 You're gonna need a bigger jar. 343 00:24:05,921 --> 00:24:09,632 Pretty cool, huh? This is how the beer gets delivered. 344 00:24:11,384 --> 00:24:14,885 Dude, you got a secret elevator through underground headquarters. 345 00:24:14,886 --> 00:24:18,222 Yeah, the guy I told you about owns this place. 346 00:24:18,223 --> 00:24:22,017 - Just like a real-life Batcave. - I know, right? 347 00:24:28,147 --> 00:24:31,190 This is the single greatest thing I've ever seen. 348 00:24:33,175 --> 00:24:36,362 Welcome to "Justice Forever". 349 00:24:40,872 --> 00:24:43,420 Hi, Detective Williams! This must be Mindy. 350 00:24:43,446 --> 00:24:44,908 It is. Hi, Brooke. 351 00:24:44,909 --> 00:24:47,996 So, you girls have some fun, and I'll pick you up in the morning, okay? 352 00:24:47,997 --> 00:24:49,549 I'll be the one with the slit wrists. 353 00:24:49,575 --> 00:24:52,164 No, you're gonna be the one that gets the awesome manicure. 354 00:24:52,165 --> 00:24:55,001 - I am? - Hm-hmm. Oh, yeah. 355 00:24:56,051 --> 00:24:58,294 - Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies. - Hey. 356 00:24:58,295 --> 00:25:02,172 I know you. You're that freshman who took a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco stick. 357 00:25:02,173 --> 00:25:03,060 I did not ride his... 358 00:25:03,086 --> 00:25:05,467 If you just blew him. You're totes a virgin, right? 359 00:25:05,468 --> 00:25:08,970 - She didn't blow him. Look at her. - Then what? Rimjob? Handjob? Fingerbang? 360 00:25:08,971 --> 00:25:12,806 Sweet Ryan Seacrest. You at least kissed him, right? 361 00:25:12,807 --> 00:25:14,391 Totes. 362 00:25:14,392 --> 00:25:16,809 You've never kissed a boy, have you? 363 00:25:16,810 --> 00:25:19,478 - Oh, my God, that is so adorbs. - Maybe, she's a dyke. 364 00:25:19,479 --> 00:25:22,356 Maybe, I'll jam my foot up your snatch! 365 00:25:22,357 --> 00:25:26,150 - Oh, she's super-bitchy, I likes! - What's the big deal, anyway? 366 00:25:26,151 --> 00:25:28,736 What could be so great about gagging on some douchebag's tongue? 367 00:25:28,737 --> 00:25:30,587 It's pretty fucking great! 368 00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:33,780 You know how you feel when you watch that video by Union J? 369 00:25:33,781 --> 00:25:36,157 Holy shit, you don't know? 370 00:25:36,158 --> 00:25:40,079 This, will change, your life. 371 00:25:45,916 --> 00:25:49,151 You guys love this shit like the fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you? 372 00:25:49,177 --> 00:25:51,129 Who's Stan Lee? 373 00:26:23,154 --> 00:26:26,581 - What the fuck was that? - I know, right? I'm soaked. 374 00:26:26,582 --> 00:26:30,493 That is who you are, Mindy. You may not dress like us, or talk like us, 375 00:26:30,494 --> 00:26:32,952 but when it comes to boys, we're all the same. 376 00:26:32,953 --> 00:26:37,957 Twilight, Channing Tatum, Union J. It's biology, bitch. 377 00:26:38,291 --> 00:26:40,167 Don't fight it. 378 00:26:41,978 --> 00:26:43,978 I am... 379 00:26:44,004 --> 00:26:44,713 I gotta go. 380 00:26:44,739 --> 00:26:47,547 But we were gonna go get high on bath salts at Logan's house. 381 00:26:47,548 --> 00:26:52,218 Mindy, I wanna give you a chance that, the rest of the girls in our class would kill for. 382 00:26:52,594 --> 00:26:56,305 Don't you wanna walk out the door everyday in skin-tight clothes, 383 00:26:56,306 --> 00:26:58,515 knowing that everyone worships you? 384 00:26:58,807 --> 00:27:03,352 Don't you wanna sneak out at night, raise a little hell and show the world what 385 00:27:03,353 --> 00:27:07,439 a strong, independent woman is capable of? 386 00:27:07,981 --> 00:27:10,608 Don't you wanna belong? 387 00:27:13,109 --> 00:27:17,405 - Can I wear this to Logan's? - Yay! It's gonna be so much fun. 388 00:27:18,365 --> 00:27:22,659 So, we tried the cops. And tried the newspapers. 389 00:27:23,076 --> 00:27:29,916 And even set up a, y'know, a thing, on the internet for people to help us find Tommy. 390 00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:34,709 But we got nothing. 391 00:27:34,710 --> 00:27:37,420 We never saw our son again. 392 00:27:37,421 --> 00:27:40,769 I came up with the name "Remembering Tommy", 393 00:27:40,795 --> 00:27:43,993 and we've been doing this 3 nights a week. 394 00:27:44,385 --> 00:27:47,095 Colonel Stars and Stripes found us online. 395 00:27:47,096 --> 00:27:50,430 That's terrible, guys. I'm really sorry. 396 00:27:50,431 --> 00:27:54,516 I became "Night Bitch" after my sister was murdered and found in a dumpster. 397 00:27:54,517 --> 00:27:55,443 Oh, shit. 398 00:27:55,469 --> 00:27:59,145 Doesn't bring her back, but at least I'm doing something positive about it. 399 00:27:59,146 --> 00:28:01,481 - Insect Man? - Yeah. I'm... 400 00:28:01,857 --> 00:28:05,191 I've been bullied my whole life for being gay. 401 00:28:05,192 --> 00:28:08,069 So, now I stand up for the defenseless. 402 00:28:08,070 --> 00:28:10,113 That's why I don't wear a mask. 403 00:28:10,114 --> 00:28:12,447 Too much like being back in the closet. 404 00:28:12,448 --> 00:28:15,992 Long as your heart is in the right place, we don't care what you put in your mouth. 405 00:28:15,993 --> 00:28:18,286 - Fist bump. - Thank you, thank you, sir. 406 00:28:18,786 --> 00:28:21,674 Well, I became "Battle Guy" after my parents were 407 00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:24,331 mugged and killed coming home from the opera. 408 00:28:24,332 --> 00:28:26,044 Did I tell you guys that that sick bastard 409 00:28:26,070 --> 00:28:27,835 maxed out their credit cards on porno sites? 410 00:28:27,836 --> 00:28:30,111 I just hope that we get the chance to say hello to this guy someday 411 00:28:30,112 --> 00:28:32,839 so I can personally levitate his soul from his body. 412 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:35,341 Oh, my God, Marty? 413 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,424 Yeah, I know I recognized your voice. 414 00:28:37,450 --> 00:28:39,761 No, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about. 415 00:28:39,762 --> 00:28:42,388 I don't know a Marty. 416 00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:47,474 - Hey, asshole, it's me. Dave. - Dave? 417 00:28:47,475 --> 00:28:51,437 - Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass? - Because, I'm Kick-Ass! 418 00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:55,440 - You two know each other? - Yeah, like, since we were five. 419 00:28:55,441 --> 00:28:58,609 What's all this bullshit about your parents getting killed? 420 00:28:58,635 --> 00:28:59,401 Language! 421 00:28:59,402 --> 00:29:05,073 - What? - Battle Guy? Care to update your resume? 422 00:29:05,615 --> 00:29:07,767 I'm trying to figure out how to explain this without 423 00:29:07,793 --> 00:29:10,159 sounding like a complete idiot right now. 424 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,912 Yeah, I'm not sure that's possible, Batman. 425 00:29:12,938 --> 00:29:14,398 I'm not, either. 426 00:29:15,123 --> 00:29:17,207 Okay, well, when I found you guys online, 427 00:29:17,208 --> 00:29:19,876 you were all swapping these awesome origin stories. 428 00:29:19,877 --> 00:29:22,144 I mean, Colonel, you're ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake. 429 00:29:22,170 --> 00:29:23,086 Yo! 430 00:29:23,087 --> 00:29:26,840 - Don't take the Lord's name in vain. - I'm sorry. 431 00:29:26,841 --> 00:29:29,439 I just, I didn't think you guys would let me 432 00:29:29,465 --> 00:29:32,119 join the team unless I had a good story, too. 433 00:29:32,429 --> 00:29:37,182 All right. We'll let you off the hook this time, Battle Guy. 434 00:29:37,483 --> 00:29:40,725 - Want to see something cool? - Yeah! 435 00:29:40,726 --> 00:29:43,269 I thought this could be our meeting room. 436 00:29:43,270 --> 00:29:44,513 Woah! This is so cool! 437 00:29:44,539 --> 00:29:47,732 Now this little renovation was totally clandestine. 438 00:29:47,733 --> 00:29:49,607 Which means nobody knew about it. 439 00:29:50,008 --> 00:29:54,152 I know it's not much, but this is just the beginning. 440 00:29:54,153 --> 00:29:56,948 Together, we can make a real difference. 441 00:29:58,449 --> 00:30:02,494 If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass, we'd be honored to have you join us. 442 00:30:05,405 --> 00:30:07,538 Hell, yeah! 443 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:09,832 That's what I'd like to hear! 444 00:30:09,833 --> 00:30:14,711 Alright! Time for initiation. Turn around and I'll unzip ya. 445 00:30:15,212 --> 00:30:16,342 I'm sorry, what? 446 00:30:16,368 --> 00:30:19,273 I'm just joking. Let's get down to business. 447 00:30:21,175 --> 00:30:25,302 There you are. We saved you a seat in the caf, but you never showed. 448 00:30:25,303 --> 00:30:28,889 Yeah, I usually head over to the Olive Garden to carb-load. 449 00:30:28,890 --> 00:30:31,041 I haven't had white sugar since my first birthday. 450 00:30:31,067 --> 00:30:32,390 Do we need an intervention? 451 00:30:32,391 --> 00:30:35,601 Come on. The best way to tighten up a tummy is the varsity dance team. 452 00:30:35,902 --> 00:30:38,889 The signing sheet just went up. 453 00:30:40,524 --> 00:30:43,233 It's still blowing my mind, "Kick-Ass". 454 00:30:43,234 --> 00:30:46,952 It's like finding out your best friend's always been Will Smith. Y'know. 455 00:30:46,953 --> 00:30:51,031 - Hey, guys. What you talking 'bout? - Nothing. 456 00:30:51,032 --> 00:30:54,324 - Nothing? - Yeah, Todd, nothing. 457 00:30:54,625 --> 00:30:57,720 All right, see you around, guys. 458 00:30:57,746 --> 00:30:59,663 Todd, wait! 459 00:30:59,664 --> 00:31:03,041 - Watch it! - Watch me end your life! 460 00:31:03,042 --> 00:31:04,947 C'mon, forget it. He's just one of those dickheads 461 00:31:04,973 --> 00:31:06,534 that follows The Motherfucker on Twitter. 462 00:31:06,635 --> 00:31:07,545 Who? 463 00:31:07,571 --> 00:31:10,087 The Motherfucker. He's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain. 464 00:31:10,088 --> 00:31:12,855 He's got like a thousand followers already. 465 00:31:12,881 --> 00:31:14,201 What an asshole. 466 00:31:15,092 --> 00:31:16,591 Get some! 467 00:31:16,592 --> 00:31:18,678 You got this, Motherfucker! 468 00:31:18,679 --> 00:31:21,888 - You really think he got a shot? - I wouldn't take his money if I didn't. 469 00:31:21,889 --> 00:31:24,612 MMA is like chess, it's all about the moves. 470 00:31:24,638 --> 00:31:26,876 And your boy really knows his stuff. 471 00:31:29,144 --> 00:31:31,481 Time to die, asshole. 472 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:36,108 - Are you alright? - I'm cool. 473 00:31:36,309 --> 00:31:39,186 Good jab! Nice jab, buddy! 474 00:31:39,187 --> 00:31:42,063 Come on, stay loose, baby. Walk it off, walk it off! 475 00:31:43,815 --> 00:31:46,109 Shit! Oh, you broke my leg! 476 00:31:46,409 --> 00:31:48,146 - Come on. Do something. - Let's take a break. 477 00:31:48,172 --> 00:31:49,785 Yeah, let's take a break, guys! Come on. 478 00:31:49,786 --> 00:31:52,247 Street rules, bitch! 479 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,749 Chuck! Get this girl off me! 480 00:31:57,750 --> 00:31:59,852 Hey, what are you doing, man? 481 00:31:59,878 --> 00:32:01,368 You all right, Chris? You all right, buddy? 482 00:32:01,369 --> 00:32:05,172 - Get off me, I was winning! - No, you were crying. 483 00:32:05,173 --> 00:32:07,591 You know what? Screw this. 484 00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:11,677 My superpower, is that I'm rich as shit. 485 00:32:11,878 --> 00:32:14,161 Hey, you wanna work for me, huh? 486 00:32:14,187 --> 00:32:16,399 You wanna beat people up for me? 487 00:32:16,975 --> 00:32:18,567 - Sure. - Alright! 488 00:32:18,693 --> 00:32:22,437 Let's get you a mask and a costume and we will call you... 489 00:32:22,438 --> 00:32:24,813 "Black Death". 490 00:32:24,814 --> 00:32:27,190 Woah, you don't think that's just a little bit incredibly racist? 491 00:32:27,191 --> 00:32:29,899 I don't give a shit! I want you to put the word out. 492 00:32:29,900 --> 00:32:33,027 That I'm willing to pay top-dollar for every hired hitter in town. 493 00:32:33,028 --> 00:32:35,405 - Come on, let's just talk about it first. - The money talks. 494 00:32:35,406 --> 00:32:40,241 You wanted me to be my own man. This is what it looks like. 495 00:32:40,242 --> 00:32:42,160 Alright, alright, I'll make some calls. 496 00:32:42,186 --> 00:32:45,288 Yes! Anybody else who wanna be a supervillain? 497 00:32:45,289 --> 00:32:48,206 I promise I'll pay better than Chuck "Little Dick" Liddell! 498 00:32:48,207 --> 00:32:49,356 What did you call me? 499 00:32:49,382 --> 00:32:52,376 No, no, man. He took a hit to the head, he doesn't know what he's saying. 500 00:32:52,919 --> 00:32:55,337 I've been studying privately with Coach Podell. 501 00:32:55,338 --> 00:32:59,591 And by studying, I mean my mom paid her off to make me varsity. 502 00:32:59,592 --> 00:33:03,176 So, if you're half-decent I'll make sure she puts you on the team. 503 00:33:03,177 --> 00:33:06,762 - At least as an alternate. - You did that for me? 504 00:33:06,763 --> 00:33:09,891 Besties stick together. 505 00:33:09,892 --> 00:33:12,350 If Brooke wants a pet, she should just get a dog. 506 00:33:12,351 --> 00:33:14,727 She's just trying to recreate Mindy in her own image. 507 00:33:14,728 --> 00:33:17,731 All right ladies, have a seat, let's get started. 508 00:33:56,094 --> 00:33:58,513 Mindy Macready. 509 00:34:00,838 --> 00:34:02,238 Chill. 510 00:34:02,390 --> 00:34:05,589 As long as you don't fall on your face, you're in. 511 00:34:05,615 --> 00:34:07,027 Go. 512 00:34:20,654 --> 00:34:21,730 Four attackers... 513 00:34:23,882 --> 00:34:24,964 No escape. 514 00:35:18,118 --> 00:35:22,196 - Oh my God! You'd totally make captain. - So much better than Brooke's. 515 00:35:22,221 --> 00:35:24,322 Oh, my God. 516 00:35:26,123 --> 00:35:28,408 A bunch of people with made-up names, 517 00:35:28,409 --> 00:35:30,742 standing around in homemade costumes, 518 00:35:30,743 --> 00:35:33,545 searching the web for unsolved crimes? 519 00:35:33,946 --> 00:35:36,354 The comic book heroes all have billion-dollar bases 520 00:35:36,380 --> 00:35:38,216 and headquarters on the moon. 521 00:35:38,217 --> 00:35:39,808 But this is the real world. 522 00:35:39,809 --> 00:35:42,686 - Scales, like red, white and blue. - Ist's awesome! 523 00:35:43,336 --> 00:35:45,287 - Brick. - Alright. 524 00:35:46,748 --> 00:35:49,206 - What do you think? - I think it does the job. 525 00:35:49,207 --> 00:35:51,168 People should get what they deserve. 526 00:35:51,169 --> 00:35:53,685 A family living in the street deserves a hot meal. 527 00:35:53,686 --> 00:35:57,147 An inebriated college girl deserves to make it home safe at night. 528 00:35:57,148 --> 00:36:00,734 And a pervert, a pedophile... 529 00:36:01,568 --> 00:36:04,320 ...deserves a visit from Eisenhower. 530 00:36:04,345 --> 00:36:06,345 It's fun! 531 00:36:07,113 --> 00:36:09,342 Now you don't wanna hit with your closed fist. 532 00:36:09,368 --> 00:36:11,450 Because you might break your hand, then you're defenseless. 533 00:36:11,451 --> 00:36:13,368 You wanna hit with open palm! 534 00:36:13,369 --> 00:36:15,037 Open palm! 535 00:36:16,538 --> 00:36:21,083 I never made varsity football, or got cast in the school play. 536 00:36:21,084 --> 00:36:23,251 Hell, I never even made honor roll. 537 00:36:23,252 --> 00:36:24,960 Dropped like a bitch! 538 00:36:24,961 --> 00:36:29,423 But if I had, I kinda believed it would've felt a lot like this. 539 00:36:29,673 --> 00:36:32,759 "When the cops can no longer, protect and serve, 540 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,426 be warned, mugger, heads up, perv! 541 00:36:35,427 --> 00:36:38,054 We got the strength, we got the nerve, 542 00:36:38,055 --> 00:36:40,723 to give those in need, what they deserve!" 543 00:36:40,724 --> 00:36:43,643 Justice Forever! 544 00:36:44,143 --> 00:36:46,268 We were in the ultimate clique. 545 00:36:46,269 --> 00:36:49,688 It didn't matter that no one else knew. We knew. 546 00:36:49,689 --> 00:36:51,690 We felt like rockstars. 547 00:36:51,691 --> 00:36:54,651 Doctor, good job. Battle Guy... 548 00:36:54,652 --> 00:36:57,777 Good night, Colonel, Thanks for everything. 549 00:36:57,778 --> 00:37:00,238 No, son, thank you. 550 00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:02,782 You showed us that every man can make a difference. 551 00:37:02,783 --> 00:37:06,202 Without Kick-Ass, none of us would be here. 552 00:37:06,203 --> 00:37:10,122 That's from the heart. Don't let it go to your head. 553 00:37:13,199 --> 00:37:14,584 So... 554 00:37:14,918 --> 00:37:17,669 I'm not really that tired. 555 00:37:31,205 --> 00:37:34,014 - Okay. - Let's leave the masks on. 556 00:37:34,415 --> 00:37:37,269 - Yeah? - Yeah. 557 00:37:40,645 --> 00:37:44,106 First big mission is tonight. And it's not community service. 558 00:37:44,107 --> 00:37:46,441 We're taking out some real bad guys. 559 00:37:46,742 --> 00:37:50,945 - Come on, can't your team handle it? - They're not you, Mindy. 560 00:37:50,946 --> 00:37:53,397 Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit business 561 00:37:53,423 --> 00:37:56,669 - and Night Bitch teaches ballet. - Night Bitch? 562 00:37:56,695 --> 00:37:59,202 What is she, a superhero or a softcore porno? 563 00:37:59,203 --> 00:38:01,202 Maybe a little bit of both. 564 00:38:01,203 --> 00:38:04,247 Oh, God! You're frogging her? 565 00:38:04,548 --> 00:38:06,374 I'm gonna vom. 566 00:38:06,375 --> 00:38:08,264 Hey, you're like a ninja. 567 00:38:08,290 --> 00:38:11,353 Can't you just sneak out? After Marcus goes to sleep? 568 00:38:12,112 --> 00:38:14,205 You don't get it, Dave. 569 00:38:15,673 --> 00:38:17,219 I made a promise to Marcus. 570 00:38:17,245 --> 00:38:19,968 So break it. You're a superhero, remember? 571 00:38:20,269 --> 00:38:22,896 Mindy Macready is just a disguise. 572 00:38:23,380 --> 00:38:26,140 Yeah, I don't know what kind of superhero "Night Whore" is, 573 00:38:26,141 --> 00:38:28,530 but if you really think I'd ever break my word, 574 00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:30,718 you obviously have no idea of who I am. 575 00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:33,728 I know that making dance team doesn't make you stop being who you are. 576 00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:37,064 I know Hit-Girl couldn't give a shit about what high school girls are into. 577 00:38:37,065 --> 00:38:40,484 I know that you wouldn't go on a date if your life depended on it. 578 00:38:40,485 --> 00:38:44,571 - Go to hell, Dave. - What? You know I'm right. 579 00:38:45,163 --> 00:38:47,461 Hey, roid-rage. 580 00:38:47,487 --> 00:38:48,574 - Me? - Yeah. 581 00:38:48,575 --> 00:38:51,154 You wanna take me on a date sometime? 582 00:38:51,180 --> 00:38:53,036 Yeah! Sure, umm... 583 00:38:53,037 --> 00:38:55,914 My name is, umm, Simon. 584 00:38:56,413 --> 00:38:59,625 Great, "um, Simon." 585 00:38:59,626 --> 00:39:01,501 It's a date. 586 00:39:01,702 --> 00:39:05,170 - Mindy! I'm sorry. - Is there a problem, Mind? 587 00:39:05,171 --> 00:39:09,341 Good. 'Cause I don't like problems. 588 00:39:09,633 --> 00:39:12,286 Dave, you've been sneaking out at night? 589 00:39:12,312 --> 00:39:15,094 Mrs. Napier said she thought she saw you leaving at 2 in the morning. 590 00:39:15,095 --> 00:39:20,391 Miss Napier's crazy, dad. She tried to teach her dog Spanish. 591 00:39:21,643 --> 00:39:23,352 Are you on drugs? 592 00:39:23,353 --> 00:39:24,679 Seriously? 593 00:39:24,705 --> 00:39:29,981 I gotta ask. You're my best bud and you're growing up so fast. 594 00:39:29,982 --> 00:39:33,109 Promise me you're not doing anything foolish? 595 00:39:33,110 --> 00:39:35,819 Yeah, I promise. 596 00:39:35,820 --> 00:39:38,613 Good enough for me, pal. 597 00:39:38,614 --> 00:39:41,200 You're too smart to do anything stupid. 598 00:39:41,700 --> 00:39:45,660 Justice Forever! 599 00:39:45,661 --> 00:39:49,039 I'm glad you got that out of your system. 600 00:39:50,373 --> 00:39:52,416 Todd texted me. Again. 601 00:39:52,641 --> 00:39:54,641 What a looser. 602 00:39:54,752 --> 00:39:57,128 Dude, how badass is Colonel Stars and Stripes? 603 00:39:57,129 --> 00:39:59,712 Yeah, I still can't believe he's an ex-mob enforcer. 604 00:39:59,713 --> 00:40:01,881 I mean, how do you go from that to being a superhero? 605 00:40:01,882 --> 00:40:03,384 He's a born again Christian. 606 00:40:03,410 --> 00:40:05,376 - Shut up! - Yeah! 607 00:40:05,377 --> 00:40:08,420 Let's hope he can handle tonight. 608 00:40:10,714 --> 00:40:13,966 I guess we're about to find out. 609 00:40:20,463 --> 00:40:22,631 Hey, where's the rest of the team? 610 00:40:22,632 --> 00:40:26,468 Dr. Gravity has the flu and Remembering Tommy got Book of Mormon tickets, so... 611 00:40:26,469 --> 00:40:28,363 That's okay. 612 00:40:28,389 --> 00:40:29,986 The five of us should do. 613 00:40:29,987 --> 00:40:32,822 How did you say this guy made his money, sir? Prostitution? 614 00:40:32,823 --> 00:40:36,743 Not just girls. Kids. Ships them in from villages back home. 615 00:40:37,244 --> 00:40:41,328 - Boneheads in blue take a blind eye. - How do you know he's here tonight? 616 00:40:41,329 --> 00:40:43,747 Because Thursday night is poker night. 617 00:40:43,748 --> 00:40:48,210 Same five lowlifes every week. They're not even hard to find. 618 00:40:48,211 --> 00:40:52,463 - So what's the plan? Are we sneaking in? - I thought we'd knock. 619 00:40:52,464 --> 00:40:54,506 - What? - More polite. 620 00:40:54,507 --> 00:40:57,008 Stay frosty, team. 621 00:40:57,009 --> 00:41:00,512 I used to eat punks like this for breakfast. 622 00:41:02,012 --> 00:41:04,722 Jehovah's Witness! 623 00:41:16,941 --> 00:41:19,536 I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a second. 624 00:41:19,562 --> 00:41:22,053 Did you say that we're going up against five gangsters? 625 00:41:22,487 --> 00:41:24,823 The bouncer makes six. 626 00:41:27,908 --> 00:41:31,327 - And three quarters. - What the fuck do you want? 627 00:41:31,328 --> 00:41:34,454 Good evening, young man. We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim. 628 00:41:34,455 --> 00:41:37,291 If it's not too inconvenient. 629 00:41:38,834 --> 00:41:44,130 Get the fuck out of here before I tear your head off, you old fuck. 630 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:48,215 - I'm sorry. - I think we're in trouble. 631 00:41:48,216 --> 00:41:52,887 I just don't understand why people feel the need to use that kind of language. 632 00:41:59,212 --> 00:42:00,912 Here we go. 633 00:42:03,195 --> 00:42:04,787 Oh, sweet Jesus. 634 00:42:04,988 --> 00:42:06,938 Battle Guy? 635 00:42:06,939 --> 00:42:09,847 What did I tell you about taking the Lord's name in vain? 636 00:42:09,873 --> 00:42:10,649 Sorry, sir. 637 00:42:10,650 --> 00:42:12,943 Eisenhower, at the ready. 638 00:42:12,944 --> 00:42:15,072 Insect Man, I want you right behind me. 639 00:42:15,098 --> 00:42:17,597 Everybody else, spread out, catch some strays. 640 00:42:17,606 --> 00:42:19,907 Oh... and try to have fun. 641 00:42:20,158 --> 00:42:23,703 Otherwise, what's the point? 642 00:42:23,995 --> 00:42:26,996 Nice party. Anybody wanna dance? 643 00:42:34,235 --> 00:42:36,162 Where are you going? 644 00:42:42,291 --> 00:42:44,627 Very nice! 645 00:42:46,378 --> 00:42:48,463 Watch the bunny! 646 00:42:58,072 --> 00:43:00,697 Night Bitch! Behind you! 647 00:43:16,869 --> 00:43:18,913 I got his right arm. 648 00:43:25,276 --> 00:43:28,970 You know, you shouldn't talk with your mouth full. It's very rude. 649 00:43:28,971 --> 00:43:30,972 Come on! 650 00:43:31,304 --> 00:43:33,740 Who the hell are you? 651 00:43:33,757 --> 00:43:38,470 - We're the good guys. - No, you're the fucking dead guys. 652 00:43:40,622 --> 00:43:43,790 Eisenhower. 653 00:43:52,155 --> 00:43:55,782 - Where are the girls? - Come on, man. I've got a heart problem. 654 00:43:55,783 --> 00:43:57,742 Oh, yeah? 655 00:43:58,786 --> 00:44:01,579 You want me to solve that for you? 656 00:44:02,696 --> 00:44:05,698 Okay. The girls are upstairs in the apartments. 657 00:44:05,699 --> 00:44:09,753 My little brother, he's only a kid. He's just a college kid. 658 00:44:10,111 --> 00:44:12,079 - Kick-Ass, Night Bitch. - On it! 659 00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:15,580 Ralph D'Amico is gonna end you for this. 660 00:44:15,581 --> 00:44:19,669 - It hurts! - Yeah, there's a dog on your balls. 661 00:44:21,462 --> 00:44:24,879 You want money? There's fifty grand in the table. 662 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,216 Please, just make him stop! Please! 663 00:44:28,008 --> 00:44:31,343 You think you can buy us? Is that what you think? 664 00:44:31,344 --> 00:44:35,721 We're not here to steal from you. We're here to send a message. 665 00:44:35,722 --> 00:44:38,600 To all the other bottom-dwellers. 666 00:44:39,768 --> 00:44:41,073 We're shutting you down. 667 00:44:41,099 --> 00:44:44,771 C'mon. There's a van waiting outside from the women's shelter. 668 00:44:44,772 --> 00:44:47,440 It'll take you someplace safe. 669 00:44:47,441 --> 00:44:48,198 Go! Go! 670 00:44:48,224 --> 00:44:51,769 Wait, we can't leave. We have no money. 671 00:44:51,861 --> 00:44:54,373 Battle Guy, how much did they have on the table? 672 00:44:54,399 --> 00:44:55,654 I'd say fifty grand. 673 00:44:55,655 --> 00:44:59,908 - You got plenty now. - Thank you. 674 00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:11,950 Good job, guys. 675 00:45:12,051 --> 00:45:14,803 Very tidy. Very tidy. 676 00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,323 I can't believe you pulled a gun on that guy. 677 00:45:17,349 --> 00:45:19,047 Were you really gonna shoot him? 678 00:45:19,048 --> 00:45:21,592 I'll let you in on a little secret. 679 00:45:22,385 --> 00:45:25,386 Empty. Don't tell the bad guys. 680 00:45:25,387 --> 00:45:29,638 Pardon my language, Colonel, but you have got some serious balls. 681 00:45:29,639 --> 00:45:32,266 Certainly more than Mr. Kim. 682 00:45:32,267 --> 00:45:35,020 "There's a dog on my balls!" 683 00:45:37,355 --> 00:45:40,990 - Goddamn it! Javier! - What happened? 684 00:45:40,991 --> 00:45:43,931 Some douche just posted a link to a story about a whorehouse. 685 00:45:43,957 --> 00:45:45,827 Says that Kick-Ass' team took them out. 686 00:45:45,828 --> 00:45:49,705 - What the hell, where's my crew? - Chris, everybody's just... 687 00:45:51,707 --> 00:45:54,334 Could you ladies excuse us for a second? 688 00:45:54,335 --> 00:45:56,544 No, they're my sidekicks, they can listen to what we have to... 689 00:45:56,545 --> 00:46:00,005 They're not your sidekicks, Chris. They're prostitutes and witnesses. Come on. 690 00:46:00,006 --> 00:46:02,716 Alright. Sorry. No offense. 691 00:46:02,925 --> 00:46:05,801 Everybody's just too afraid of your uncle Ralph to take the job. 692 00:46:05,802 --> 00:46:09,221 - But he's in prison. - Doesn't matter. He runs the family now. 693 00:46:09,222 --> 00:46:11,472 And he wants everybody to lay low. 694 00:46:11,473 --> 00:46:15,225 But fortunately for you, Big Tony doesn't know how to lay low so he's here. 695 00:46:15,226 --> 00:46:17,878 I don't remember a Big Tony. Is he huge? 696 00:46:17,904 --> 00:46:18,978 He's ironic. 697 00:46:18,979 --> 00:46:22,398 Five-foot-four, but mean as shit. 698 00:46:26,151 --> 00:46:29,111 He's got such a hard-on for killing people. 699 00:46:29,112 --> 00:46:32,447 - He's little, and he kills. - Right. 700 00:46:32,657 --> 00:46:34,536 Call him "The Tumor". 701 00:46:34,562 --> 00:46:35,699 Who's next? 702 00:46:35,700 --> 00:46:39,119 Alright. We got an ex-Triad member, looking for work. 703 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:42,121 Easy! "Genghis Carnage"! Come on! 704 00:46:42,122 --> 00:46:44,663 You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris. 705 00:46:44,689 --> 00:46:46,833 Archetypes. Keep going. 706 00:46:46,834 --> 00:46:48,864 Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. 707 00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:50,671 - Wait, wait, wait, a chick? - Yeah. 708 00:46:50,672 --> 00:46:52,630 - You're saying you hired a chick? - Yeah. 709 00:46:52,631 --> 00:46:57,801 Former KGB. She was locked up in the gulag until she ate her cellmate. 710 00:46:59,010 --> 00:47:01,303 "Mother Russia". 711 00:47:01,304 --> 00:47:04,514 Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on the same team? That doesn't work, Chris. 712 00:47:04,515 --> 00:47:06,849 I am not asking for suggestions, asshole. 713 00:47:06,850 --> 00:47:10,559 Just get them costumes and get them ready. 714 00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:13,897 Shit. Javier, thank you. 715 00:47:13,898 --> 00:47:16,857 I couldn't do this without you. 716 00:47:17,608 --> 00:47:21,319 You're pretty much like the only real family I have left. 717 00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:23,988 Not a problem, man. I got your back. 718 00:47:23,989 --> 00:47:27,407 It's kinda like you're the Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne. 719 00:47:27,408 --> 00:47:32,202 - Did you just call me your fucking butler? - Yeah, is it not a compliment? 720 00:47:32,203 --> 00:47:34,580 Shit. My bad. 721 00:47:37,832 --> 00:47:40,000 There wasn't much action those nights. 722 00:47:40,001 --> 00:47:43,629 I mean, there was always a little action, with Night Bitch. 723 00:47:46,090 --> 00:47:49,842 The reality of being a superhero, is lots of patrols. 724 00:47:49,843 --> 00:47:53,762 But that didn't stop people from begging to join up. 725 00:47:56,139 --> 00:48:00,559 With all our new members, it seemed kinda shitty not to ask Todd. 726 00:48:02,060 --> 00:48:04,854 Stop peeking man, you're gonna ruin it. 727 00:48:04,855 --> 00:48:07,856 Check, it, out! 728 00:48:08,940 --> 00:48:10,399 You can't fight crime in that. 729 00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:12,818 You're pants are so tight, you got frog eye. 730 00:48:12,819 --> 00:48:15,821 - What the hell's frog eye? - Male cameltoe. 731 00:48:15,822 --> 00:48:18,613 I'm not really sure about these names you've come up with, either. 732 00:48:18,614 --> 00:48:22,116 Whoop-ass, Kickass-Man, Doctor Kick-ass? 733 00:48:22,117 --> 00:48:25,870 - Yeah? - Yeah, they all kinda seem, derivative? 734 00:48:25,871 --> 00:48:30,707 Let me translate that: you can't just copy Dave's name, you nobgobbler! 735 00:48:30,708 --> 00:48:33,419 Okay, umm... 736 00:48:33,918 --> 00:48:35,252 Oh, wait. 737 00:48:35,253 --> 00:48:38,631 Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. 738 00:48:39,215 --> 00:48:39,966 "Ass-kicker". 739 00:48:42,758 --> 00:48:45,719 - Seriously? - You're such a dick, Marty. 740 00:48:45,720 --> 00:48:48,430 I know this is why you guys don't text me back. I'm not an actual idiot. 741 00:48:48,431 --> 00:48:51,640 Well, you could've fooled me, "Ass-licker". 742 00:48:52,183 --> 00:48:53,417 You know what, screw you guys. 743 00:48:53,443 --> 00:48:54,851 - Todd. - No, really. 744 00:48:54,852 --> 00:48:57,270 Fuck you guys. I'm gonna form my own team. 745 00:48:57,271 --> 00:48:59,856 Todd, wait, come on! 746 00:49:00,399 --> 00:49:03,566 Todd was right. We are being dicks. 747 00:49:03,567 --> 00:49:08,236 But the truth is, the only person who I really wanted on the team was Mindy. 748 00:49:08,237 --> 00:49:11,615 But she was too busy trying not be a superhero. 749 00:49:11,865 --> 00:49:14,617 Okay, Mind, he's here. 750 00:49:20,705 --> 00:49:23,414 Your first big date. How are you feeling? 751 00:49:23,415 --> 00:49:28,461 Like the first time Big Daddy sent me into a crack den with nothing but a pen knife? 752 00:49:28,462 --> 00:49:31,214 I've got some butterflies. 753 00:49:32,215 --> 00:49:35,257 You just be yourself and you let me be nervous. 754 00:49:35,258 --> 00:49:36,872 Don't worry about me. 755 00:49:36,898 --> 00:49:38,844 I can kill a man with his own finger. 756 00:49:38,845 --> 00:49:42,265 A word of advice: I wouldn't open with that. 757 00:49:46,434 --> 00:49:48,635 Thanks for letting me finally take you out. 758 00:49:48,636 --> 00:49:49,835 Well, I... 759 00:49:50,036 --> 00:49:53,140 How else was I gonna get you to stop calling? 760 00:49:53,231 --> 00:49:55,941 - Thanks. - You're welcome. 761 00:50:08,910 --> 00:50:11,328 - Where are we going? - To a party. 762 00:50:11,329 --> 00:50:14,372 Why is this party in the middle of nowhere? 763 00:50:14,373 --> 00:50:17,916 Because that's where keg parties are usually are, right? 764 00:50:31,595 --> 00:50:35,221 - I guess we're the first ones here. - This isn't where you have a party, moron. 765 00:50:35,222 --> 00:50:38,515 - This is where you dump a dead body. - What's your problem? 766 00:50:38,516 --> 00:50:40,601 I'm sorry. 767 00:50:40,893 --> 00:50:43,228 I'll stop being such a bitch. 768 00:50:43,229 --> 00:50:46,523 You actually seem like a nice guy. 769 00:50:47,191 --> 00:50:49,149 So, umm... 770 00:50:49,150 --> 00:50:50,609 You wanna hook up? 771 00:50:50,610 --> 00:50:52,819 I'm not a total idiot. 772 00:50:54,654 --> 00:50:57,281 Simon, get back in the car. 773 00:50:57,282 --> 00:50:58,325 Now! 774 00:51:08,582 --> 00:51:10,791 Yay! You made it. 775 00:51:10,792 --> 00:51:15,879 - Brooke? - This, is to celebrate you. 776 00:51:15,880 --> 00:51:17,671 Celebrate? 777 00:51:17,672 --> 00:51:21,132 What a total loser you are. And... 778 00:51:21,133 --> 00:51:24,010 We ditch losers. 779 00:51:24,011 --> 00:51:27,388 Poor Mindy. What did you think? 780 00:51:27,389 --> 00:51:30,181 The cool kids saw something special in you, and, 781 00:51:30,182 --> 00:51:33,099 invited you to your first party? 782 00:51:33,100 --> 00:51:37,854 Where you'd sip your first beer and, finally suck face for the first time? 783 00:51:37,855 --> 00:51:42,108 Newsflash: You're not special. 784 00:51:43,651 --> 00:51:48,155 Fuck with the queen bee and, you're gonna get stung. 785 00:51:49,240 --> 00:51:51,200 Date ditch. 786 00:51:51,698 --> 00:51:54,410 Party at my house! 787 00:51:54,435 --> 00:51:57,435 Simon... You can drive us. 788 00:52:42,990 --> 00:52:44,782 Dave? 789 00:52:45,700 --> 00:52:47,951 Oh, my God, Mindy? 790 00:52:47,952 --> 00:52:50,662 Holy shit. What are you doing? 791 00:52:50,663 --> 00:52:52,706 It's just... 792 00:52:52,707 --> 00:52:55,832 I needed to see my Robin, I guess. 793 00:52:57,459 --> 00:52:59,836 Are you okay? 794 00:53:05,924 --> 00:53:08,300 I don't know what to do. 795 00:53:08,301 --> 00:53:11,469 Those girls, they're... 796 00:53:11,470 --> 00:53:13,763 They're evil. 797 00:53:13,764 --> 00:53:16,057 It's just high school. Who gives a shit. 798 00:53:16,058 --> 00:53:18,474 You should be out there in the real world. 799 00:53:18,475 --> 00:53:20,560 Making it a better place. 800 00:53:20,561 --> 00:53:25,065 - Dave, I can't. - I know, you promised your dad. 801 00:53:26,399 --> 00:53:29,275 But he's not here anymore. 802 00:53:29,276 --> 00:53:32,821 This is your life. You got to live it. 803 00:53:33,446 --> 00:53:37,741 How am I supposed to face them tomorrow? 804 00:53:37,742 --> 00:53:39,074 I'm so embarrassed. 805 00:53:39,075 --> 00:53:45,915 Why? You're smart, you're beautiful, you're funny. 806 00:53:47,082 --> 00:53:50,751 You're the strongest person I've ever met. You can do anything. 807 00:53:50,752 --> 00:53:52,312 And you're Hit-Girl! 808 00:53:53,171 --> 00:53:56,255 It doesn't matter if you're wearing a mask or make-up. 809 00:53:56,256 --> 00:53:59,507 That's who you really are. 810 00:53:59,508 --> 00:54:02,534 So what should I do? Cut their tongues out? 811 00:54:02,535 --> 00:54:06,096 - No, definitely not. - I'm fucking with you. 812 00:54:08,807 --> 00:54:12,058 Just beat them at their own game. 813 00:54:12,059 --> 00:54:14,854 By being yourself. 814 00:54:22,568 --> 00:54:27,279 Well, if you really wanna be popular, consider two little words: 815 00:54:27,280 --> 00:54:28,406 Sex tape. 816 00:54:46,003 --> 00:54:48,630 Lois, you don't need these assholes. 817 00:54:48,631 --> 00:54:51,716 If I can dress like them, so can you. 818 00:54:51,717 --> 00:54:55,260 It's a gift. From some drug dealer who went missing. 819 00:54:56,720 --> 00:55:00,889 Just because you dress like us, doesn't mean that you can be like one of us. 820 00:55:00,890 --> 00:55:04,265 It doesn't matter what costume I wear, yours or mine. 821 00:55:04,266 --> 00:55:07,268 I'm a superhero. That's who I am. 822 00:55:07,269 --> 00:55:11,157 Okay, Captain Muffin-muncher. Have fun playing make-believe. 823 00:55:11,158 --> 00:55:13,816 This, is all make- believe, Brooke. 824 00:55:13,817 --> 00:55:16,860 The reality is, you're an evil bitch. 825 00:55:16,861 --> 00:55:19,820 Who's just as bad as the worst criminal scum. 826 00:55:19,821 --> 00:55:23,407 You wanna get real, Mindy? In the real world, I win. 827 00:55:23,408 --> 00:55:26,450 I go to an awesome college, I marry a hot guy, 828 00:55:26,451 --> 00:55:28,911 and I make adorable babies for my nanny to take care of 829 00:55:28,912 --> 00:55:31,163 while we vacate in Paris. 830 00:55:31,164 --> 00:55:34,958 My life is gonna rock. And yours is gonna suck. 831 00:55:34,959 --> 00:55:37,335 And no matter how slutty you dress, 832 00:55:37,336 --> 00:55:40,963 no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss that hole you call a mouth. 833 00:55:40,964 --> 00:55:44,432 So why don't you spare us all the whining and slit your wrists now. 834 00:55:44,433 --> 00:55:46,313 'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my day 835 00:55:46,339 --> 00:55:48,794 is looking at your face one more second. 836 00:55:49,095 --> 00:55:49,845 Told her. 837 00:55:52,932 --> 00:55:55,808 What's that? A ghetto cellphone? 838 00:55:55,809 --> 00:55:59,143 Gonna call for help with a comeback? 839 00:55:59,144 --> 00:56:02,980 Actually, my daddy bought this from a disgruntled darpo employee. 840 00:56:02,981 --> 00:56:06,023 You see it was designed for crowd control but deemed too severe. 841 00:56:06,024 --> 00:56:10,027 It emits a pulse that creates spontaneous nausea and diarrhea. 842 00:56:11,195 --> 00:56:13,021 He called it the "sick stick". 843 00:56:13,022 --> 00:56:14,827 Well, either your dad got ripped off, 844 00:56:14,853 --> 00:56:17,700 or you're back in make-believe land, sweetheart. 845 00:56:17,701 --> 00:56:19,909 Because we feel fabulous. 846 00:56:19,910 --> 00:56:22,036 Not for long. 847 00:56:29,751 --> 00:56:32,587 Oh, my God! 848 00:56:33,380 --> 00:56:36,297 You get away from me. Please. You win. 849 00:56:36,298 --> 00:56:40,885 I don't want to win. I just want to make the world a better place. 850 00:56:55,310 --> 00:56:56,710 Dad. 851 00:56:56,735 --> 00:56:59,535 You home? Dad? 852 00:57:02,527 --> 00:57:04,192 Is this what you've been up to while I'm out 853 00:57:04,218 --> 00:57:06,430 working nights saving for your college? You've been, 854 00:57:06,431 --> 00:57:11,059 dressing up and fighting people? There is blood on these stick-things. 855 00:57:12,160 --> 00:57:13,785 What are you doing in my room? 856 00:57:13,863 --> 00:57:16,438 I was looking for drugs. I was worried about you. 857 00:57:16,439 --> 00:57:20,291 - Okay, well now you can stop. - No. Now I'm even more worried. 858 00:57:20,292 --> 00:57:24,461 Jesus, Dave. Drugs would have been better. This is deranged. 859 00:57:24,462 --> 00:57:27,254 - Some people do a lot worse. - Oh, the people you hang out with? 860 00:57:27,255 --> 00:57:30,332 No, the people I hang out with are superheroes. 861 00:57:30,333 --> 00:57:35,619 There is no such thing, Dave. This is the real world, with real consequences. 862 00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:38,930 - When are you gonna grow up? - If it means turning into you, never. 863 00:57:38,931 --> 00:57:42,643 I don't wear that mask 'cause I'm ashamed of who I am. Not like you. 864 00:57:44,018 --> 00:57:45,242 What's that supposed to mean? 865 00:57:45,268 --> 00:57:47,478 You're out of work. You're here doing crunches. 866 00:57:47,479 --> 00:57:49,588 Why? So you'd look like someone else? 867 00:57:49,614 --> 00:57:51,724 Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing? 868 00:57:51,725 --> 00:57:55,776 Your life has no meaning, dad. When you're gone, who's gonna notice? 869 00:57:55,777 --> 00:57:57,099 Where the hell are you going? 870 00:57:57,125 --> 00:58:00,723 Oh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up. 871 00:58:07,621 --> 00:58:10,121 Did he say why he wanted to see me? 872 00:58:10,122 --> 00:58:13,750 When your uncle Ralph calls, don't ask questions. 873 00:58:16,418 --> 00:58:18,795 That's the kid? 874 00:58:19,421 --> 00:58:23,300 Chris, just be cool and you'll be fine. 875 00:58:27,385 --> 00:58:30,270 - Hey, how you doing? - Good, Uncle Ralph. 876 00:58:30,271 --> 00:58:35,309 Listen, Chris things have been tough all around since your dad, you know... 877 00:58:35,334 --> 00:58:38,634 While I've been tryin' to get family back on track for many years... 878 00:58:38,645 --> 00:58:44,023 - Uncle Ralph, they record these things. - It's fine. The warden's a pal. 879 00:58:44,024 --> 00:58:46,677 Now listen to me. It's okay to have a bit of fun. 880 00:58:46,703 --> 00:58:49,277 But you can't go hiring a gang of heavy-hitters. 881 00:58:49,278 --> 00:58:52,864 - Javier should have told you. - No, it doesn't matter. 882 00:58:52,865 --> 00:58:56,741 Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us. 883 00:58:56,742 --> 00:58:59,993 Chris, you need to forget that punk. 884 00:58:59,994 --> 00:59:02,215 It's more important that you stay out of this. 885 00:59:02,241 --> 00:59:05,316 You're not like me, or your dad. You're, uhh... 886 00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:08,169 Special. 887 00:59:11,295 --> 00:59:14,507 You can't tell me what to do anymore. 888 00:59:14,882 --> 00:59:20,760 - I know who I am now. - Oh, yeah? And who's that? 889 00:59:20,761 --> 00:59:21,804 The Motherfucker. 890 00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:30,935 You think you're the big bad guy, huh? 891 00:59:31,811 --> 00:59:35,607 Let me show you what real evil looks like. 892 00:59:44,780 --> 00:59:46,532 Hello? 893 00:59:46,865 --> 00:59:50,575 - Javier, what's going on? - Chris, what's up? 894 00:59:50,576 --> 00:59:52,132 What are you doing on Lou's phone, huh? 895 00:59:52,158 --> 00:59:53,781 You dropped yours in the toilet again? 896 00:59:53,807 --> 00:59:55,114 Everything okay? 897 01:00:19,308 --> 01:00:23,144 Thank you for that. I needed it. 898 01:00:23,936 --> 01:00:27,105 - For what comes next. - Don't be stupid, Chris. 899 01:00:27,106 --> 01:00:29,982 Just get out of town for a while. Go to college or something. 900 01:00:29,983 --> 01:00:35,403 Why? You just taught me everything I needed to know. 901 01:00:41,032 --> 01:00:46,244 Voila! Presto and alaca-damn! 902 01:00:46,245 --> 01:00:49,831 Them boys designed a very tasty logo. 903 01:00:53,126 --> 01:00:55,752 What's the matter, girl? Do you hear something? 904 01:00:57,129 --> 01:01:00,131 Come on, let's go see. Come on! 905 01:01:04,927 --> 01:01:07,554 Anybody out here? 906 01:01:08,805 --> 01:01:11,098 I don't see anything. 907 01:01:11,724 --> 01:01:15,352 You'll have to stay in there until you calm down, you lunatic. 908 01:01:19,730 --> 01:01:21,981 I wonder what's bothering you. 909 01:01:21,982 --> 01:01:26,776 I know. Tonight, you die. 910 01:01:26,777 --> 01:01:30,404 - Ladies first. - You will not shoot me. 911 01:01:30,405 --> 01:01:35,450 You are superhero. You help people. You do not hurt them. 912 01:01:35,451 --> 01:01:39,393 That's supervillain territory. Or as I call my little gang, 913 01:01:39,394 --> 01:01:42,481 - The "Toxic Mega-Cunts". - Hi. 914 01:01:48,169 --> 01:01:51,213 Yeah, like your head. 915 01:02:03,556 --> 01:02:06,183 That's gotta hurt. 916 01:02:17,984 --> 01:02:20,903 I did my homework on you, Colonel. 917 01:02:21,195 --> 01:02:23,693 You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? 918 01:02:23,719 --> 01:02:27,650 Did a few jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born again. 919 01:02:27,951 --> 01:02:31,911 I used to hang with, a lot of losers. 920 01:02:32,537 --> 01:02:36,958 Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal? Dressed like an idiot? 921 01:02:38,501 --> 01:02:42,461 - Who are you supposed to be? - I'm The Motherfucker! 922 01:02:42,462 --> 01:02:45,623 And I'm here to end Kick-Ass. Not just kill him, 923 01:02:45,648 --> 01:02:48,948 I am gonna shit on everything that he loves. 924 01:02:50,302 --> 01:02:53,429 Let's trash this place, guys. 925 01:02:59,518 --> 01:03:02,019 Miranda Swedlow. 926 01:03:02,521 --> 01:03:07,023 Who's that, Sal? She one of the whores on your team? 927 01:03:19,908 --> 01:03:23,702 Night Bitch. All snuggled up to Kick-Ass. 928 01:03:23,703 --> 01:03:27,539 Looks like our boy's got a new hot pocket! 929 01:03:28,123 --> 01:03:30,374 Want me to kill his dog? 930 01:03:30,375 --> 01:03:34,003 The dog? Jesus Christ, I'm not that evil. 931 01:03:35,211 --> 01:03:39,214 Cut the old man's head off. Are you guys hungry? I'm starving. 932 01:03:39,215 --> 01:03:41,675 - Come on. - Pizza, can we get pizza? 933 01:03:41,676 --> 01:03:43,093 We're getting pizza. 934 01:03:43,094 --> 01:03:46,971 Don't worry. I kill you first. 935 01:03:48,889 --> 01:03:52,942 Justice, Forever... 936 01:03:52,943 --> 01:03:56,194 A Brooklyn resident was found decapitated last night. 937 01:03:56,195 --> 01:03:59,730 According to Twitter, a man claiming to be the world's first supervillain... 938 01:03:59,731 --> 01:04:03,316 I told you, no TV. You're grounded, remember? 939 01:04:03,317 --> 01:04:05,485 Marcus, I know I made you a promise. 940 01:04:05,486 --> 01:04:09,237 But I can't keep being someone I'm not. When I see evil, I have to stop it. 941 01:04:09,238 --> 01:04:12,240 Mindy what you did to those girls at school, was unacceptable. 942 01:04:12,241 --> 01:04:14,534 - You could've really hurt them. - You're right. I could have. 943 01:04:14,535 --> 01:04:18,186 But instead, I sent them home with tummy aches. Boo-fucking-hoo! 944 01:04:18,187 --> 01:04:21,789 I don't get it. This obsession that you have with revenge is not healthy. 945 01:04:21,790 --> 01:04:23,212 If you don't let me, and the police do our jobs, 946 01:04:23,238 --> 01:04:25,167 then there's gonna be nothing that I can do for you. 947 01:04:25,168 --> 01:04:26,411 You're never gonna have a normal life, 948 01:04:26,437 --> 01:04:28,377 and you'll probably end up like your father. 949 01:04:28,378 --> 01:04:31,796 Marcus, they cut a guy's head off. Who else is going to stop them? 950 01:04:31,797 --> 01:04:34,674 Kick-Ass? You? 951 01:04:34,675 --> 01:04:37,595 You go to your room and do your homework. 952 01:04:46,768 --> 01:04:48,520 Now! 953 01:04:51,605 --> 01:04:55,858 Hey, guys. We're signing a sympathy card for the Colonel's sister. 954 01:04:55,859 --> 01:05:00,236 You wanna go 5 bucks each so we can send flowers from the team? 955 01:05:01,821 --> 01:05:03,744 Did you guys see The Motherfucker's Twitter page? 956 01:05:03,770 --> 01:05:05,782 Who is this guy? And what's his problem with us? 957 01:05:05,783 --> 01:05:08,618 I don't know, man, but he has got some elephant-sized balls. 958 01:05:08,619 --> 01:05:11,411 He's been bragging on the web about what they did to the Colonel. 959 01:05:11,412 --> 01:05:15,498 - Can that be traced? - I tried. His IP address is masked. 960 01:05:15,750 --> 01:05:18,353 Alright, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna organize a fight. 961 01:05:18,379 --> 01:05:20,628 There're a lot of guys online who's said they're in if we need them. 962 01:05:20,629 --> 01:05:23,254 Are you kidding me? This isn't West Side Story. 963 01:05:23,255 --> 01:05:26,381 We didn't join up to be in a gang. We did it so we could help people. 964 01:05:26,382 --> 01:05:28,600 Sharon's right. We need to leave this to the cops. 965 01:05:28,601 --> 01:05:30,436 Well we better start walking in pairs. 966 01:05:30,462 --> 01:05:33,571 The Motherfucker's tweeted that the Colonel was just the beginning. 967 01:05:34,472 --> 01:05:37,600 Anybody seen Night Bitch? 968 01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:49,045 You sure she's on their team? 969 01:05:49,071 --> 01:05:53,361 Stupid gash. It's posted on a superhero page that she's dating Kick-Ass. 970 01:05:53,362 --> 01:05:56,238 So, yeah, I'm damn sure. 971 01:05:59,326 --> 01:06:01,702 Hello, Night Bitch! 972 01:06:03,912 --> 01:06:06,329 I think she wants to take the party upstairs! 973 01:06:06,330 --> 01:06:08,415 We're gonna have a party. 974 01:06:08,416 --> 01:06:11,669 She closed the door! 975 01:06:15,420 --> 01:06:18,061 Don't worry, darling. I'm not gonna kill you. 976 01:06:18,087 --> 01:06:20,617 I want you to give a message to your boyfriend. 977 01:06:23,887 --> 01:06:25,303 Let go! 978 01:06:25,304 --> 01:06:27,972 You're done banging superheroes, baby! 979 01:06:27,973 --> 01:06:32,102 It's time to see what evil dick feels like. 980 01:06:38,356 --> 01:06:40,315 Shit! 981 01:06:40,316 --> 01:06:42,567 What's wrong? 982 01:06:44,069 --> 01:06:46,279 What are you doing? 983 01:06:48,239 --> 01:06:50,156 Come on! 984 01:06:51,117 --> 01:06:54,743 God, okay, I'm just... I'm not in the mood! 985 01:06:54,744 --> 01:06:57,246 I guess evil dick feels limp. 986 01:06:57,247 --> 01:06:58,598 Hurt her... 987 01:06:58,623 --> 01:07:00,623 ...bad. 988 01:07:01,165 --> 01:07:03,667 Cops are coming. 989 01:07:03,668 --> 01:07:07,170 Leave it to Mother Russia. She makes ten times what we do. 990 01:07:07,171 --> 01:07:12,091 Fifty thousand per week, plus expenses. 991 01:07:12,425 --> 01:07:14,635 Hey, watch out! 992 01:07:34,442 --> 01:07:36,735 Reverse it, reverse it! 993 01:07:37,820 --> 01:07:39,488 Damn! 994 01:07:45,868 --> 01:07:47,995 Don't move! Freeze! 995 01:07:53,123 --> 01:07:56,876 Fifty thousand. She's worth it! 996 01:08:04,548 --> 01:08:08,719 Why is he backing up? Why's there a lawnmower on the trunk? 997 01:08:19,936 --> 01:08:22,437 We need back-up! Eight men down! 998 01:08:22,438 --> 01:08:25,649 I think you mean ten. 999 01:08:34,488 --> 01:08:35,906 Let's bounce! 1000 01:08:35,907 --> 01:08:38,178 Put the word out. I'm building an evil army. 1001 01:08:38,204 --> 01:08:40,410 All psychopaths and ex-cons welcome. 1002 01:08:40,411 --> 01:08:44,163 I don't think you can have a problem, when people hear about this. 1003 01:08:48,292 --> 01:08:50,375 They just disappeared? 1004 01:08:50,376 --> 01:08:52,708 All they have to do is take off their masks. 1005 01:08:52,734 --> 01:08:54,962 No one's gonna recognize them once they're back in their street clothes. 1006 01:08:54,963 --> 01:08:56,797 Your attention, please! 1007 01:08:56,798 --> 01:09:00,926 Feds traced the IP addresses for all those other costumed freaks. 1008 01:09:00,927 --> 01:09:04,888 Now we got every law enforcement agency in the state working to hit them at once. 1009 01:09:04,889 --> 01:09:07,805 Why is Kick-Ass on this list? His crew does community service. 1010 01:09:07,806 --> 01:09:11,184 I don't give a shit! Anyone wearing a mask, is getting detained. 1011 01:09:11,185 --> 01:09:13,686 We're putting an end to this tonight! 1012 01:09:14,087 --> 01:09:17,615 A lot of people have said the cops were too heavy-handed that night. 1013 01:09:18,315 --> 01:09:21,109 But you gotta put it in context. 1014 01:09:21,777 --> 01:09:24,320 The police didn't mind our real-life superhero stuff 1015 01:09:24,412 --> 01:09:28,038 as long as we were picking up litter, or helping old ladies cross the street. 1016 01:09:29,531 --> 01:09:32,327 But suddenly, it was serious. 1017 01:09:32,619 --> 01:09:36,663 Suddenly we represented everything that was wrong with society. 1018 01:09:36,688 --> 01:09:38,580 Freeze! 1019 01:09:38,581 --> 01:09:42,875 Dad had warned me that the real world had real consequences. 1020 01:09:42,876 --> 01:09:47,004 Once they pulled up, he must've been feeling pretty damn vindicated. 1021 01:09:48,588 --> 01:09:52,592 Shit, Dave, what have you done? 1022 01:09:55,120 --> 01:09:57,655 Police, open up! 1023 01:10:01,432 --> 01:10:03,967 - Hey. - Hi. 1024 01:10:03,968 --> 01:10:07,118 Uh, me, Kick-Ass? 1025 01:10:11,899 --> 01:10:15,401 You're actually pretty cute under that mask. 1026 01:10:15,402 --> 01:10:18,404 I'm so sorry about what happened. 1027 01:10:18,405 --> 01:10:19,281 Don't be. 1028 01:10:21,115 --> 01:10:22,231 It's my own fault. 1029 01:10:22,257 --> 01:10:25,826 We're gonna find these assholes and make this right. 1030 01:10:25,827 --> 01:10:28,830 What's the point? 1031 01:10:29,163 --> 01:10:33,374 I mean we're really superheroes but as much as we're really dating. 1032 01:10:33,375 --> 01:10:36,293 We don't even know each other's names. 1033 01:10:37,169 --> 01:10:40,755 I think it's time to get back to the real world. 1034 01:10:40,756 --> 01:10:44,383 I thought we were trying to make it a better place. 1035 01:10:45,008 --> 01:10:47,845 Then why is it worse? 1036 01:10:48,846 --> 01:10:53,849 Maybe Night Bitch was right. Which means Dad was, too. 1037 01:10:54,182 --> 01:10:57,601 I mean, things have gone out of hand. 1038 01:10:57,602 --> 01:11:01,939 Maybe it was time for me to stop crashing at Marty's, and start apologizing. 1039 01:11:12,447 --> 01:11:14,073 Dad? 1040 01:11:14,739 --> 01:11:16,824 - That's my Dad! - Your dad's Kick-Ass? 1041 01:11:16,825 --> 01:11:19,786 - What? - Yeah, he just gave himself up. 1042 01:11:21,288 --> 01:11:25,123 You don't understand. He's doing this to protect me. Dad! 1043 01:11:25,498 --> 01:11:27,333 Dad! What... 1044 01:11:44,014 --> 01:11:45,486 - Mindy? - Dave? 1045 01:11:45,512 --> 01:11:46,306 I need your help. 1046 01:11:46,307 --> 01:11:49,726 My dad's been arrested. They think he's Kick-Ass. Can you talk to Marcus? 1047 01:11:49,727 --> 01:11:51,226 - I'm grounded. - So? 1048 01:11:51,227 --> 01:11:53,437 So that means I can't get involved. 1049 01:11:53,438 --> 01:11:55,280 - Okay, look. Wait a second. - I wish I could help. 1050 01:11:55,281 --> 01:11:57,481 Mindy, are you on the phone? 1051 01:11:57,482 --> 01:11:59,299 I got to go, okay? 1052 01:11:59,325 --> 01:12:01,469 - I'm sorry, Dave. - Mindy, wait, wait. 1053 01:12:14,413 --> 01:12:18,006 - Hey, what the hell are you thinking? - Yeah? I can ask you the same thing. 1054 01:12:18,007 --> 01:12:19,472 I can't believe you lied to them. 1055 01:12:19,598 --> 01:12:21,666 I'm not supposed to do nothing while you went to jail. 1056 01:12:21,667 --> 01:12:25,213 I chose this. You should let me deal with the consequences. 1057 01:12:25,214 --> 01:12:26,945 I thought you wanted me to grow up. 1058 01:12:26,971 --> 01:12:30,215 Well when you get a kid of your own one day, you'll understand. 1059 01:12:30,216 --> 01:12:31,071 I'mma tell them the truth. 1060 01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:33,593 No, hey, it'll just make things worse. Look, 1061 01:12:33,594 --> 01:12:37,347 I spoke to my attorney, and he said they gotta let me out by tomorrow. 1062 01:12:37,348 --> 01:12:40,599 No actual crimes committed. 1063 01:12:41,558 --> 01:12:46,227 There are people out there who wanna kill Kick-Ass. 1064 01:12:46,228 --> 01:12:48,114 Well, the cops are out there looking for them. 1065 01:12:48,115 --> 01:12:52,117 So the safest place for Kick-Ass is right here, locked away. 1066 01:12:52,318 --> 01:12:54,901 Dave I don't know how you got into all this shit but, 1067 01:12:54,902 --> 01:12:59,155 you got to promise me that you will never dress up in that outfit again. 1068 01:12:59,156 --> 01:13:01,915 You hear me? 1069 01:13:08,080 --> 01:13:10,873 I promise. 1070 01:13:18,463 --> 01:13:21,631 This evil lair owns! 1071 01:13:21,632 --> 01:13:25,759 - Do people still say that? "Own"? - Yeah, of course. 1072 01:13:25,760 --> 01:13:29,304 - Your shark, something's wrong. - I think it's the wrong kind of water. 1073 01:13:29,305 --> 01:13:31,605 - What the hell, Eyal? - It's fine, Chris. 1074 01:13:31,606 --> 01:13:33,118 They're supposed to lie at the bottom of the tank. 1075 01:13:33,144 --> 01:13:36,392 It's just their way of, how you say, settling into their environment. 1076 01:13:36,393 --> 01:13:39,239 Don't screw me on this, okay? You said we'd be running in two days, 1077 01:13:39,265 --> 01:13:41,063 we don't even have a men's wing yet. 1078 01:13:41,064 --> 01:13:42,355 Don't worry. 1079 01:13:42,356 --> 01:13:46,192 - What's with the bags of shit? - It's fertilizer for the bombs! 1080 01:13:46,193 --> 01:13:49,277 You're not a supervillain if you don't have a plan to destroy the city. 1081 01:13:49,278 --> 01:13:52,080 It will not work. You need the chemical kind. 1082 01:13:52,081 --> 01:13:55,490 Do I have to do everything myself? Just fix it. 1083 01:13:55,491 --> 01:13:59,245 You must relax. Everything is going as planned. 1084 01:13:59,495 --> 01:14:02,287 No, no, no. Except that it's not, okay? 1085 01:14:02,288 --> 01:14:07,085 That sad sack is not Kick-Ass. I've seen Kick-Ass, he's at my age. 1086 01:14:07,418 --> 01:14:11,629 - That guy is old enough to be his father. - No shit, right? 1087 01:14:11,630 --> 01:14:13,114 I'm sorry, who are you? 1088 01:14:13,115 --> 01:14:17,299 I... volunteered for your army, like the others. 1089 01:14:17,300 --> 01:14:21,052 Right, I appreciate that. Thanks for joining the cause. 1090 01:14:21,053 --> 01:14:24,639 This is the VIP area for the core group. 1091 01:14:24,640 --> 01:14:28,892 I just thought it's funny you said that. Because he is Kick-Ass' father. 1092 01:14:28,893 --> 01:14:32,480 - Who? - Mr. Lizewski, he's Kick-Ass' dad. 1093 01:14:32,772 --> 01:14:36,815 - Shut up! - Yeah. 1094 01:14:36,816 --> 01:14:39,900 - You're not telling anyone? - No! 1095 01:14:39,901 --> 01:14:44,780 But you, my friend, have just earned lifetime access to my VIP area. 1096 01:14:44,781 --> 01:14:46,740 Go take a seat. Alright? 1097 01:14:46,741 --> 01:14:51,528 Hey, get the kid a Frappuchino. Let me put his little punk ass back to work. 1098 01:14:55,874 --> 01:14:57,540 Okay. 1099 01:14:58,249 --> 01:15:00,168 Come on. 1100 01:15:12,595 --> 01:15:13,406 Can I help you? 1101 01:15:13,432 --> 01:15:16,623 The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you. 1102 01:15:17,473 --> 01:15:19,599 Helps that my dad is a really good lawyer. 1103 01:15:19,600 --> 01:15:23,853 I don't think my beautiful ass would last too long in prison. 1104 01:15:23,854 --> 01:15:27,939 That's weird. Chris D'Amico just texted me a picture. 1105 01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:32,110 Red Mist? Whatever happened to that guy? 1106 01:15:37,489 --> 01:15:39,364 What is it? 1107 01:15:39,365 --> 01:15:41,743 Dude, what's wrong? 1108 01:16:00,923 --> 01:16:04,217 The next few days passed in a fog. 1109 01:16:05,261 --> 01:16:09,055 It didn't matter that I told the police about Chris. 1110 01:16:09,056 --> 01:16:11,307 They couldn't find him. 1111 01:16:12,140 --> 01:16:15,434 The cops did show up at dad's funeral. 1112 01:16:15,435 --> 01:16:19,564 Not out of respect, but because they were scared that something would happen. 1113 01:16:20,522 --> 01:16:22,899 My dad was a decent man. 1114 01:16:22,900 --> 01:16:26,777 All he ever did was try and give me a good life. 1115 01:16:26,778 --> 01:16:29,737 And I told him no one would notice when he was gone. 1116 01:16:29,738 --> 01:16:32,283 I love you, pal. 1117 01:16:32,533 --> 01:16:35,368 I love you too, Dad. 1118 01:16:41,665 --> 01:16:43,290 You guys came. 1119 01:16:43,291 --> 01:16:47,041 We would love to help you track down this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but, 1120 01:16:47,042 --> 01:16:49,544 we just got out on parole. 1121 01:16:49,545 --> 01:16:53,674 No, it's fine. I'm not looking for revenge. 1122 01:16:53,675 --> 01:16:57,385 The last thing I promised my dad, was that I was gonna give this up. 1123 01:16:57,386 --> 01:17:00,053 And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. 1124 01:17:00,054 --> 01:17:02,430 But you started this. 1125 01:17:02,431 --> 01:17:05,308 And now I'm ending it. 1126 01:17:12,940 --> 01:17:15,065 Dave, I'm so sorry. 1127 01:17:15,066 --> 01:17:17,441 Do you hate me for not helping? 1128 01:17:17,442 --> 01:17:21,779 No, not even a little bit. You were right. 1129 01:17:21,780 --> 01:17:24,030 You gave it up. 1130 01:17:24,031 --> 01:17:28,702 If I had too, my dad would still be alive. 1131 01:17:29,994 --> 01:17:32,788 The only person I blame is myself. 1132 01:17:47,091 --> 01:17:48,967 That's him! 1133 01:17:51,010 --> 01:17:53,178 Get down! 1134 01:17:56,348 --> 01:17:57,899 Mindy! 1135 01:18:12,736 --> 01:18:14,779 - Over here! - Dave! 1136 01:18:21,909 --> 01:18:23,452 Come on! 1137 01:18:23,453 --> 01:18:25,079 Oh my God! 1138 01:18:28,916 --> 01:18:30,583 Get him! 1139 01:18:30,884 --> 01:18:33,711 Get that car over here. 1140 01:18:39,156 --> 01:18:40,708 Mindy! 1141 01:18:40,842 --> 01:18:41,925 Mindy! 1142 01:18:50,892 --> 01:18:52,309 Mindy! 1143 01:18:58,315 --> 01:19:00,858 You're gonna put this on. 1144 01:19:05,152 --> 01:19:06,428 I'm not gonna do it. 1145 01:19:08,405 --> 01:19:11,949 There's nothing that you can do to hurt me. 1146 01:19:13,950 --> 01:19:16,286 You wanna bet? 1147 01:19:21,498 --> 01:19:25,043 Game on, cocksuckers. 1148 01:19:27,419 --> 01:19:29,296 There's a girl on the roof! 1149 01:19:42,265 --> 01:19:44,559 She's still up there! 1150 01:20:00,613 --> 01:20:03,524 - I think I got her. - Go check! 1151 01:20:12,623 --> 01:20:15,583 Get out there! 1152 01:21:00,034 --> 01:21:03,287 Pull over, pukeface. 1153 01:21:05,914 --> 01:21:08,999 We know Chris D'Amico's The Motherfucker. Where is he hiding? 1154 01:21:09,000 --> 01:21:09,658 Eat a dick! 1155 01:21:09,684 --> 01:21:11,291 You're gonna eat yours if you don't start talking. 1156 01:21:11,292 --> 01:21:13,545 Go ahead and shoot me, you little bitch. 1157 01:21:13,546 --> 01:21:16,880 There's nothing you can do that'll make me talk. 1158 01:21:16,881 --> 01:21:21,342 Hold on. I can't do this right now. It's my dad's funeral. 1159 01:21:21,343 --> 01:21:24,554 Dave, your father loved you. 1160 01:21:26,097 --> 01:21:29,224 Just like my daddy loved me. And I know it hurts. 1161 01:21:29,434 --> 01:21:34,311 But maybe... maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero. 1162 01:21:34,645 --> 01:21:38,899 It's taking that pain and turning it into something good. 1163 01:21:39,191 --> 01:21:41,651 Something right. 1164 01:21:41,652 --> 01:21:44,527 Remember what you told me? 1165 01:21:44,528 --> 01:21:48,823 "This is your life. You got to live it." 1166 01:21:49,407 --> 01:21:54,076 Now help me find some pliers. I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick. 1167 01:21:54,077 --> 01:21:55,453 Seriously? 1168 01:21:58,205 --> 01:21:59,747 - Hello? - Marcus? 1169 01:21:59,748 --> 01:22:02,249 Mindy, what's going on? Are you okay? 1170 01:22:02,250 --> 01:22:03,261 I'm fine. 1171 01:22:03,287 --> 01:22:05,293 We know where TheMotherfucker's hiding. 1172 01:22:05,294 --> 01:22:08,337 He recruiting an army of supervillains and making homemade bombs. 1173 01:22:08,338 --> 01:22:10,131 Marcus, he wants to burn the city down. 1174 01:22:10,132 --> 01:22:11,154 You promised me. 1175 01:22:11,180 --> 01:22:14,341 I know you see me as this little girl. 1176 01:22:14,342 --> 01:22:17,094 But I'm not, and I never was. 1177 01:22:17,095 --> 01:22:20,555 You're right. Daddy did take my childhood away. 1178 01:22:20,556 --> 01:22:22,724 But I'm not so sure that was a bad thing. 1179 01:22:22,725 --> 01:22:27,643 Marcus, he gave me a gift. A gift that I can't escape no matter how hard I try. 1180 01:22:27,644 --> 01:22:32,064 Allow me to spend the next four years of my life trying to figure out who I am. 1181 01:22:32,065 --> 01:22:34,860 Because I already know. 1182 01:22:36,944 --> 01:22:38,395 I'm Hit-Girl. 1183 01:22:43,575 --> 01:22:46,865 Posted the address. You think they'll show? 1184 01:22:46,891 --> 01:22:48,285 Chris has an army. 1185 01:22:48,286 --> 01:22:53,124 These real-life superdweebs've been waiting their whole lives for a call like this. 1186 01:23:02,757 --> 01:23:06,675 - You okay? - What, yeah. No, I'm, I'm fine. 1187 01:23:06,676 --> 01:23:10,054 Here, take this. 1188 01:23:10,386 --> 01:23:12,804 Last resort really isn't my style. 1189 01:23:12,805 --> 01:23:15,515 Dave, this isn't a comic book. 1190 01:23:15,516 --> 01:23:20,395 Real people are gonna die tonight. My Daddy was prepared for anything. 1191 01:23:20,770 --> 01:23:22,981 Are you? 1192 01:23:27,485 --> 01:23:28,267 Yeah. 1193 01:23:30,402 --> 01:23:31,684 I am. 1194 01:23:40,119 --> 01:23:42,787 They should be back by now. 1195 01:23:42,788 --> 01:23:46,916 It's definitely dead. It says on the internet, you're supposed keep it on freshwater. 1196 01:23:46,917 --> 01:23:51,836 It is just hungry. We must feed it. 1197 01:23:52,503 --> 01:23:54,253 Why are you looking at me? 1198 01:23:54,254 --> 01:23:56,358 Oh, we gotta get this shit started! 1199 01:23:56,383 --> 01:23:58,300 Oh ho, yeah! 1200 01:23:58,301 --> 01:24:01,636 Have I got a show for you, bitches! 1201 01:24:04,555 --> 01:24:09,756 Motherfucker! 1202 01:24:09,768 --> 01:24:14,812 Alright, party people! We are gonna kill Kick-Ass, 1203 01:24:14,813 --> 01:24:18,565 the very first superhero. Together. 1204 01:24:18,566 --> 01:24:23,819 We are gonna cut him up into little pieces and feed that shit to MC Shark, 1205 01:24:23,820 --> 01:24:28,074 and post it all over YouTube. For reals! 1206 01:24:29,117 --> 01:24:31,700 - He's kidding, right? - Motherfucker don't kid. 1207 01:24:31,701 --> 01:24:33,579 That's not it. I'm gonna give each 1208 01:24:33,605 --> 01:24:38,039 and every one of you, party favor fertilizer bombs. 1209 01:24:38,040 --> 01:24:41,459 And we are gonna get our riot on! That's what it means to be evil. 1210 01:24:41,460 --> 01:24:44,751 We, my friends, are the real one percent. 1211 01:24:44,752 --> 01:24:48,505 And tonight we're gonna fuck this city up, or my name is not... 1212 01:24:48,506 --> 01:24:51,926 Chris D'Amico! 1213 01:24:52,259 --> 01:24:54,718 That is not my name! 1214 01:24:56,387 --> 01:24:58,471 No, you're right. 1215 01:24:58,472 --> 01:25:02,183 Your new name's Little Bitch. 1216 01:25:04,561 --> 01:25:06,855 Oh, this is perfect. 1217 01:25:07,104 --> 01:25:09,981 Are you really that stupid? 1218 01:25:09,982 --> 01:25:15,402 There's two of you, and a whole army of us. 1219 01:25:16,361 --> 01:25:19,989 Do you really have such a hard-on to die? 1220 01:25:20,190 --> 01:25:24,318 No, that's why we brought our friends. 1221 01:25:55,059 --> 01:25:58,560 What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts? 1222 01:25:58,561 --> 01:26:03,190 Yeah. And I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face. 1223 01:26:04,191 --> 01:26:08,019 You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad. 1224 01:26:08,111 --> 01:26:09,694 Your dad? 1225 01:26:09,695 --> 01:26:13,197 You blew up my dad with a bazooka! 1226 01:26:45,599 --> 01:26:47,933 Are you ready to die, little girl? 1227 01:26:47,934 --> 01:26:52,729 I might be, if I have to keep looking at that shit stain you call a face. 1228 01:27:59,485 --> 01:28:03,056 Hold him down! I want to see what his guts look like. 1229 01:28:07,174 --> 01:28:10,636 That's enough from you boys. 1230 01:28:12,438 --> 01:28:14,982 Nicely done, sweetheart. 1231 01:28:23,279 --> 01:28:24,321 That all you got? 1232 01:28:24,522 --> 01:28:27,357 No, I got my lethal Zero-G device. 1233 01:28:27,358 --> 01:28:29,651 Bullshit. 1234 01:28:29,917 --> 01:28:32,336 No shit. 1235 01:28:47,548 --> 01:28:49,175 Are you okay? 1236 01:28:50,467 --> 01:28:53,762 Yeah, thanks. "Ass-kicker". 1237 01:28:56,122 --> 01:28:58,049 Nice. 1238 01:30:04,279 --> 01:30:06,548 Jesus, you're such a pussy. 1239 01:30:06,649 --> 01:30:10,526 What is the point of wearing a mask if you can't do what you want? 1240 01:30:15,972 --> 01:30:17,974 I wanted to do good. 1241 01:30:18,266 --> 01:30:21,226 No, people want to win the lottery. 1242 01:30:21,227 --> 01:30:24,645 People want, to fuck Scarlett Johansson. 1243 01:30:34,612 --> 01:30:39,324 You think you can kill me, with little needle? 1244 01:30:57,463 --> 01:31:00,465 That's not what it's for. 1245 01:31:03,168 --> 01:31:06,088 It's called adrenaline, bitch. 1246 01:31:06,505 --> 01:31:08,630 What was that? A cheap shot? 1247 01:31:08,631 --> 01:31:11,674 That, was for the colonel. 1248 01:31:17,138 --> 01:31:19,680 That's for Night Bitch. 1249 01:31:26,186 --> 01:31:29,146 And that's for my dad. 1250 01:32:03,757 --> 01:32:08,219 - What the hell are you doing? - Saving your whiny ass. 1251 01:32:08,220 --> 01:32:12,263 No, I won't let you foul this. I'd rather die! 1252 01:32:12,264 --> 01:32:16,725 What is wrong with you, dude? This is not a comic book, it's real-life! 1253 01:32:16,726 --> 01:32:20,228 When you're dead, it's done! There's no sequel. 1254 01:32:20,229 --> 01:32:25,231 You made this real. You started it! Now I'm gonna finish it. 1255 01:32:25,232 --> 01:32:29,611 I'll be immortal, like an evil Jesus. 1256 01:32:39,035 --> 01:32:41,121 Wait! 1257 01:32:54,963 --> 01:32:58,175 Dave! I'm so sorry. 1258 01:33:05,681 --> 01:33:08,473 The feeling was, indescribable. 1259 01:33:08,474 --> 01:33:11,311 Chris D'Amico, dead. 1260 01:33:11,769 --> 01:33:15,230 His wanna-be supervillains, defeated. 1261 01:33:16,439 --> 01:33:20,026 But did we make the world a better place? 1262 01:33:20,568 --> 01:33:26,156 Or did we just finish something that began, when I first put on this mask? 1263 01:33:28,032 --> 01:33:30,616 The cops are coming. 1264 01:33:30,617 --> 01:33:35,330 They'll take care of the bad guys. We better skedaddle before they get here. 1265 01:33:36,455 --> 01:33:37,997 - We did it. - Fuck, yeah. 1266 01:33:37,998 --> 01:33:40,248 Hey, language. 1267 01:33:40,249 --> 01:33:45,712 You're right. If we're gonna dress like heroes, we should act like heroes. 1268 01:33:45,713 --> 01:33:48,006 He'd be proud of you, Dave. 1269 01:33:48,756 --> 01:33:51,134 He'd be proud of all of us. 1270 01:33:52,552 --> 01:33:55,512 You know we can never do this again, right? 1271 01:33:57,473 --> 01:33:59,431 It's over. 1272 01:34:02,184 --> 01:34:05,145 One last time. 1273 01:34:08,190 --> 01:34:10,606 What do you say, Hit-Girl? 1274 01:34:10,607 --> 01:34:11,483 You in? 1275 01:34:13,151 --> 01:34:14,451 Why the hell not? 1276 01:34:17,154 --> 01:34:20,239 Justice Forever! 1277 01:34:31,790 --> 01:34:35,835 Thanks for the ride. I'll see you at school. 1278 01:34:37,796 --> 01:34:40,587 I'm leaving New York, Dave. 1279 01:34:40,588 --> 01:34:44,841 I can't go home. I can't put Marcus in that position. 1280 01:34:44,842 --> 01:34:47,669 Why, he won't arrest you. You've just saved the city. 1281 01:34:47,670 --> 01:34:50,472 Yeah, well, I also killed 6 guys with a cop's gun. 1282 01:34:50,473 --> 01:34:53,765 Vigilantes don't get a free pass. 1283 01:34:53,766 --> 01:34:56,433 You can't go. 1284 01:34:56,434 --> 01:35:02,147 - People need you. - They've got you now. 1285 01:35:02,773 --> 01:35:04,607 I'm not like you. 1286 01:35:04,608 --> 01:35:08,820 You don't have to be a badass to be a superhero, Dave. 1287 01:35:10,071 --> 01:35:12,989 You just have to be brave. 1288 01:35:24,499 --> 01:35:26,750 What was that? 1289 01:35:28,293 --> 01:35:31,338 That was my first kiss. 1290 01:35:32,130 --> 01:35:35,924 Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth. 1291 01:35:42,556 --> 01:35:44,638 When Mindy left, 1292 01:35:44,639 --> 01:35:48,184 that's when I finally understood where my life was going. 1293 01:35:49,185 --> 01:35:51,727 Just like it had to eventually happen. 1294 01:35:51,728 --> 01:35:55,564 When real people try to be superheroes, 1295 01:35:55,565 --> 01:35:58,900 eventually, it had to end, too. 1296 01:36:14,622 --> 01:36:18,249 Superheroes can't exist in the real world for a reason. 1297 01:36:18,541 --> 01:36:23,335 It's because the real world, needs real heroes. 1298 01:36:23,336 --> 01:36:26,631 And not some punk in a wetsuit playing dress-up. 1299 01:36:27,131 --> 01:36:29,716 But a genuine badass... 1300 01:36:29,717 --> 01:36:32,844 ...who can really kick ass. 1301 01:42:18,659 --> 01:42:22,112 No! Please. 1302 01:42:22,113 --> 01:42:23,880 Don't go! 1303 01:42:23,881 --> 01:42:26,631 Don't go! 1304 01:42:26,886 --> 01:42:29,554 Is anybody there? 1305 01:42:31,844 --> 01:42:32,626 Hello? 1306 01:42:37,960 --> 01:42:39,782 Some help, please! 1307 01:42:39,783 --> 01:42:43,988 A shark bit my fucking dick off, and I can't get some water? 106022