All language subtitles for Jeff.Dunhams.Scrooged-Up.Holiday.Special.2024.1080p.WEB.H264-AccomplishedYak

[upbeat rock music]

[Bubba J] Hey, everybody!

It's the holidays!

A time for some joy and laughter.

And no one hands out that stuff
better than your friend and mine,

Jeff Dunham!

[audience cheering]

Hey, hey, Milwaukee!

[audience cheering]

Welcome to my Scrooged-Up Holiday Special
in the beer capital of the world.

[audience cheering]

Man, what a gorgeous theater.
What a perfect place to do this.

My boys have been exploring it,

you know, during the day
when nothing's going on here.

That third balcony is
way the heck up there.

That's literally the nosebleed section.
It's awesome.

They were running around,
and James discovered something today

that I thought was pretty great.
So, he's running around.

And because it's the Pabst Theater,

he found the 'P' on the carpet upstairs.

Right there. See it?

And it runs all the way, up and out--

the sides of all the runners
going up and down the hallways

You can see him point to it.
Oh, yeah, there he is pointing to it.

He thought that was very cool.

No. He didn't think it was cool.
He thought it was hilarious

because if you back up a little
to the next photo,

it spells "poop."

[audience laughing]

So, why a Christmas special?

Well, I'm sharing with you what I know
and what I grew up with.

I was raised in a home
that celebrated Christmas,

so this is a Christmas special.

If I was Jewish,
this would be a Hanukkah special.

If I was black, this might be
a Kwanzaa special.

If I was an atheist,
this would be a special.

[audience laughing]

But Christmas is extra special for me,

because when I was eight years-old,

that year under the Christmas tree,

Santa left me my very first
ventriloquist dummy.

And I've shown this photograph before,

but I have to show it again
because it's one of my favorite ones.

So, under the tree is Mom and me
and my first dummy and Dad,

and there we are right there.

- [audience applauding]
- [Jeff] Thank you.

I think I love that picture also because

you can tell how proud my father is.

[audience laughing]

But that moment right there
began a lifelong career

leading to this very moment here tonight.

But this special is different
from any one I've ever done.

My wife Audrey came up with the idea

of me and my guys doing
our own film version

of the Dickens classic,
A Christmas Carol.

I thought that would be a great movie.

Why not? Let's see if we can get it made.

But then in the meantime, I thought,
how about for my next stand-up special,

what if it's me talking to the guys about
their possible roles in the film

and what characters
I think they should play.

So, tonight I'm casting.

[audience laughing, cheering]

So, if you know the Christmas Carol story,

see if you can guess who of my guys
should play whom in the movie.

[laughing]

You guys ready for the little people
in the boxes?

[audience cheering]

The first guy I'd like to introduce
has been in my act a long time,

and I'm fairly certain you can guess
who he'd play in A Christmas Carol.

Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.

[audience cheering]

Shut the hell up!

Good evening, Walter.

And why am I dressed like this?

- I am hot as hell!
- I know.

- I think I'm having a stroke.
- Come on.

[gargling sound]

I bet you love the holidays.

I bet you're an idiot.

Come on.
What's your favorite Christmas carol?

- My favorite Christmas carol...
- That's right.

You mean one that makes
me feel joy and hope

- and a beautiful peace inside?
- That's right.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

[audience laughing]

That's not a Christmas carol.

Just imagining fills me with great joy.

Well, I'm happy to see
you dressed for the occasion.

Me? I didn't do this. You did this to me!

He takes us on the tour bus
and plays dolly freakin' dress-up.

- No, I don't.
- No one can hear us scream.

- That's not true.
- Ah! He's touching us again!

Stop it. You look great for the occasion.

- What occasion?
- This is our Christmas special,

and this special is gonna be
on Amazon Prime.

- Amazon?
- Yeah.

Oh, so they're gonna deliver this special
and leave it on everyone's front porch?

[audience laughing]

Inside another box
that's ten times the size it needs to be?

[audience laughing]

Then some jerk comes along
and steals it off the porch,

and I have to order it all over again?

You know, Amazon makes things
very convenient.

Yeah, and how lazy have we gotten?
I mean seriously.

"I need a, uh, a toothpick.

I think they're upstairs.
Nah, that's too far to walk."

[audience laughing]

"I'll just order it on Amazon."

Let's see. Two cents for a toothpick

and 29 dollars for shipping. Done.

- [audience laughing]
- Walter...

Then, five minutes later
it's at my front door.

- Yeah.
- "Oh, look!

They shipped me my toothpick in a box
the size of a [bleep] Yugo."

[audience laughing]

A Yugo? That's your reference?

I guess you'd prefer a Prius?

[audience laughing, cheering]

That was a long time ago.

You are forever damaged, my friend.

Look, our special's gonna be
on Amazon Prime, the subscription service.

Oh, good, so we can subscribe,
watch this special,

then quickly unsubscribe
so they won't charge us.

That's not the best way to save money.

Says the guy who owned a Prius.

[audience laughing]

A blue Prius.

[audience laughing]

Does your wife enjoy the holidays?

My wife? You mean the nutcracker?

[audience laughing]

Your wife is a lovely lady,
and I know that you love her very much.

- Whatever.
- Tell everyone

what you gave your wife last Christmas.

- COVID.
- No.

[audience laughing]

Look, next year there's an idea of us
filming a Christmas movie.

- A movie?
- Yeah, I'm picking the best roles

- for all the guys.
- Oh, and that's why I'm dressed like this?

- Yes.
- So I have to act?

- Ever done any acting?
- Sure.

- Like what?
- I laugh at your jokes.

[audience laughing]

- That's not funny.
- No, not usually. They're not.

[audience laughing]

- What's the movie?
- A Christmas Carol.

And all of us are gonna be in it?

That's the plan.

And, uh, have you actually decided
on who gets what role?

I'm working on that right now.

Okay, so you're trying figure out
who I should play?

[audience laughing]

Well, yeah.

So, for me, you've narrowed it down
to a few possible characters?

[audience laughing]

- I'm a very versatile actor.
- I'm sure.

I can even be that little kid
who has a crutch.

[audience laughing]

Tiny Tim.

Why are we suddenly talking about your...

- Oh! Oh! Oh! The kid! Tiny Tim!
- [audience laughing]

- I thought you were talking about your...
- Walter...

- ...Tiny Tim.
- Walter!

- I'm sorry.
- Tiny Tim has a very important role.

I'm sure he does, Jeff. Good for you!

[audience laughing]

This is a Christmas story.

Good place to hang the mistletoe.
That's all I'm saying.

[audience laughing]

- Walter...
- You know, the twigs and berries.

- Will you stop it?
- [audience laughing]

Okay, back to the movie.
Now, what's that kid's name?

- It's Tiny Tim.
- Right.

And I'm telling you--
with a little makeup, I could be that kid.

- You could be Tiny Tim?
- He's angry, right?

- No.
- Oh, I think he is.

What is it he always says?

Well, his most famous line is, "God--"

Oh, yeah! "God, why was I born?
It's a hard-knock life!"

- [audience laughing]
- What?

Then, he sings it,
and the sun comes out tomorrow,

and blahdy-blah-blah.
I hate that stupid show.

- That's Annie.
- Yeah.

And then Tiny Tim gets left alone
at his house,

and his mother yells, "Kevin!"

[audience laughing]

- That's Home Alone.
- I could be Kevin,

and you could be the guy that
gets hit in the head with a box of tools

- and his hair catches on fire.
- [audience laughing]

- Can you act?
- Can I act?

- You know, hang on a second.
- What?

I don't mean to interrupt here.
I keep looking at you.

I don't usually throw around compliments.

I just gotta say here,
you know, you're getting old,

but you're still looking pretty good.

Don't you think so?
He's doing all right?

[audience cheering]

- Thank you.
- Ha-ha. I'm [bleep] with ya. I'm acting.

[audience laughing]

One of the most moving scenes in the story
is near the end

when Scrooge breaks down crying

because he's filled with regret.
Do you think you could do that?

Oh, sure.
I'll just pretend I'm your father.

[audience laughing]

- [laughing]
- What does that mean?

- Oh, come on. Think about you.
- What?

Your father saved his entire life

to send his only son to a university.

- Yeah?
- Then, you took your degree,

did nothing with it,
and ended up doing a puppet show.

How much does that suck for your parents?

- Walter...
- I mean, look at what you're doing now.

- This seems pretty good to me.
- No, not that. This.

- What?
- You're arguing.

- Yeah?
- With me!

[audience laughing]

- Right.
- Which is actually you!

- You know what's really weird?
- What?

You're also losing this argument!

[audience laughing]

You ever seen The Twilight Zone?

- You're freaking in it!
- [audience laughing]

[sings The Twilight Zone theme]

[audience laughing]

Let's talk about your actual role
in A Christmas Carol.

- I don't know who I would be.
- [chuckling]

- It's very obvious.
- It is?

Yeah, you don't even have to audition.

- What?
- Think about it.

- Who do you look like?
- Uhh...

Come on.

- Good God, you?
- No, not me!

Well, folks say
you and I kind of look alike.

- Well...
- Come on. Do the face.

[audience laughing, cheering]

That's just scary.
Please tell me we're not related.

[chuckling] All right.
At least I can smile.

[audience ooh's, laughs]

- I can smile.
- Really?

Yeah, well, it hurts a little when I do.

- [audience laughing]
- Let's see.

[audience laughing]

Oh, I think I pulled a groin muscle.

[audience laughing]

As for our movie, Walter,
you would be Scrooge.

What? Me?

Come on. Ebenezer Scrooge was
a very rich man

- who never got married.
- Oh, hell yeah. I'll be that guy.

[audience laughing]

In the beginning of the story,
Scrooge is very lonely. Do you know why?

He was a ventriloquist?

[audience laughing]

- Sorry.
- In the story,

Scrooge gets woken up three times
in the middle of the night.

And it gets worse and worse
the older you get.

[audience laughing]

Back then, women were expected to marry,

have children, and keep a nice household.

And those were the only acceptable roles
for women during that era.

Is that too much to ask?

[audience laughing]

Are you trying to turn off
every woman in this room?

Oh, no, no. You've got that covered.

[audience laughing]

Hey ladies, you wanna hear a sentence
that in the history of humans

no woman has ever said? Ready?

[women in audience cheering]

"Ventriloquist-- that's hot."

[audience laughing]

Wah-wah.

[audience laughing]

- Who wrote A Christmas Carol?
- Charles Dickens.

[giggling] Sorry.
Just laughing at his last name.

Dickens.

- They could be friends.
- Who?

Tiny Tim and Little Dickens.

[audience laughing]

You sure Tiny Tim's name isn't Kevin?

No, it's not Kevin. That's Home Alone.

Well, that's you as a kid-- home alone,
playing with your Tiny Tim.

[audience laughing]

- Say goodnight, Walter.
- Thanks, Milwaukee!

[audience cheering]

Our next guy up is
pretty much a party animal

and perfect to play in our movie
as the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Please welcome your good buddy and mine,
Bubba J.

- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat rock music playing]

- [goofy laughter]
- How you doing, Bubba J?

Pretty good. And ho-ho-ho!

Oh, it's not Christmas yet.

Oh, well then, ho-ho-hold my beer.
[goofy laughter]

[audience laughing, cheering]

It's Milwaukee. They love that crap.

- Okay.
- [audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[goofy laughter]

- Bubba J.
- What?

Have you done any acting?

- Oh, sure.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- When?

When the police pull me over,
I act like I haven't been drinking.

- [audience laughing]
- What if there's a breathalyzer?

[chuckles] I get to go on a sleepover.

- Oh.
- [audience laughing]

- Can we talk about the movie now?
- Okay.

To talk about the movie,
let's get in the mood of the season.

- Okay.
- When I wake up on Christmas morning,

- I'm happy to be alive.
- Well, you didn't drink as much as I did.

[audience laughing]

So, Christmas is my favorite time of year.
It's all about loving your fellow man.

[audience laughing]

- Really?
- Yes.

Uh, does your wife know that?

[audience laughing]

That's a shocker.

You should be upfront
with Audrey about that.

I had no idea.

She's gonna be like, "Jeff, why do you
now like the hot dogs

more than the honey-baked ham?"

[audience laughing]

They honey-baked ham?

- They know what I'm talking about.
- All right.

[audience laughing]

- It's warm--
- That's enough.

- Okay.
- [audience laughing]

- Hey, in this movie, do we get presents?
- I don't know.

Come on. Presents are the best part
about Christmas.

Well, you know, Bubba J,
it is better to give than to receive.

Yes, especially when you're in prison.

[audience laughing]

- No honey-baked ham.
- All right.

[audience laughing]

[goofy laughter]
It's more like a rump roast.

- Will you stop? I'm so sorry.
- [audience laughing]

[Jeff] This is not my fault.

So, does your wife bake
during the holidays?

- Oh, yeah.
- What?

- Meth.
- No. No.

[audience laughing]

- What?
- I mean like a holiday treat.

Well, she can put
colored sprinkles on it for ya.

Oh, whoops, I said "colored."

Nice knowing you, cracker.

[audience laughing]

So, do you have
a favorite Christmas carol?

Oh, well, my dad likes the song
"Baby, It's Cold Outside."

Oh, you know, a couple years ago,
that song was kind of canceled.

- Do you know why?
- Uh-huh. Global warming.

[audience laughing]

How about "I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus?"

Oh, I did too,
but I think it was my uncle.

[audience laughing]

- All right, back to our movie.
- Okay.

Did you see the movie
The Muppets' Christmas Carol?

Oh, no, I hate puppets. They scare me.

[audience laughing]

Okay.

So, the movie we're shooting is
our version of A Christmas Carol.

- Okay.
- It's a story about a man

who learns the true meaning of Christmas.

Was it during a Zoom meeting?

- [audience laughing]
- No.

You know, one time during a Zoom meeting,
I learned the true meaning

of forgetting to turn your camera off
during personal time.

[audience laughing]

On Christmas Eve,
Scrooge is visited by three ghosts.

Do you know why?

- He swiped right?
- No. No.

[audience laughing]

The Ghost of Christmas Past wakes up
Scrooge in the middle of the night

- and says to Scrooge...
- "We've been trying to reach you

about your car's extended warranty."

[audience laughing, cheering]

- No.
- In this movie,

I want to be a superhero Santa.
And instead of reindeer,

I have hot chicks with Christmas ta-tas.

[audience laughing]

I'm afraid to ask-- what are
"Christmas ta-tas," Bubba J?

They're like ornaments that I can touch.

[audience laughing]

- No. No.
- You sound like all the girls I dated.

- "No. No."
- [audience laughing]

♪ Can't touch this... ♪
[humming]

[audience laughing]

So, when you were a kid, did Santa come
down the chimney at your house?

We didn't have a chimney.
We lived in a mobile home.

- Oh.
- My parents said he came up the tailpipe.

[audience laughing]

I think there's another prison joke
here if you want it.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

You know, my daddy
kinda looked like Santa.

Really? What, did he say 'ho-ho-ho?'

Sometimes when my sisters were going out.

[audience laughing]

- Was your father that mean?
- No, he was just counting.

- [audience laughing]
- I see.

- One time, he said 'ho' four times.
- What did that mean?

[goofy laughter] Mom was going with 'em.

[audience laughter]

Okay, so in England, do you know
who they call 'Father Christmas?'

- Nick Cannon.
- No.

[audience laughing]

Are you familiar with Dickens?

Oh, yeah. Yesterday I stepped on a rake,
and it hit me in the Dickens.

- No.
- [audience laughing]

No. Charles Dickens.

Oh, yours has a first and a last name.

[audience laughing]

- Fancy.
- Bubba J...

Hey, honey, meet Charles.

[audience laughing]

You know, people have been reading
A Christmas Carol for 150 years.

Then I'd say it's too long.

[audience laughing]

They can't all be gems. Shut up.

[audience laughing]

But like I said, we're shooting
our version of the story.

- We are?
- Yeah, we're shooting Scrooge.

Well, I hope he's white.
Otherwise, it'll be a hate crime.

[audience laughing]

Sometimes, I ad-lib you into trouble,
don't I?

[audience laughing]

In the story, Scrooge becomes
a second father to Tiny Tim.

Oh, my uncle is my second father.

- Oh.
- Yeah, and my real father, too.

[audience laughing]

Then he had that operation,
and he was my other mother.

[audience laughing]

[goofy laughter]

Okay, like I said, Scrooge has
three visitors in the middle of the night.

- Like Jack Daniels?
- No. No.

- Jim Beam? Dos Equis?
- No. No!

- Ghosts.
- Ghosts?

Yes, and I want you to play
the Ghost of Christmas Past.

- You want me to be a ghost?
- Yeah.

- I shouldn't do it.
- Why not?

It never goes well
when there's a redneck in a white sheet.

[audience laughing, cheering]

Well... [laughing]

- Boo!
- I got it.

Since the story takes place
in old England,

can you speak with a British accent?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I do it when the cops pull me over
for driving on the wrong side of the road.

[audience laughing]

[drunk British accent]
"Hello, there, Officer."

[audience laughing]

"I had no idea you blokes drive
on the wrong side of the road."

- "Rah, rah, rah, rah."
- [audience laughing]

- Does that work?
- Oh, yeah.

- Because your accent is so good?
- No, because my teeth are so bad.

[audience laughing]

Well, A Christmas Carol takes place
in London

around the time Queen Victoria married
her first cousin.

Oh, she beat me to it.

[audience laughing]

But she was Queen
until she was eighty-two-years-old.

Do you know what happened after that?

Uh, they convinced her to not run
for a second term?

[audience laughing, cheering]

[goofy laughter]

- I'm smart. I watch TV.
- All right.

So, Bubba J, what happens when
the director of a movie yells, "Action?"

Oh, that's my favorite kind of movie.
[hums stereotypical porn music]

[audience laughing]

You know, if you're an actor,
you have to know your cue.

Oh, that's nothing.

When a cop pulls me over,
I have to know the whole alphabet.

[audience laughing]

Okay, so in the movie, you're playing
the Ghost of Christmas Past.

- How was I?
- What?

If I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past,
I already did it.

No, you haven't done it yet.
You're playing him in the future.

- Oh, we're going back to the future?
- No.

Can I take Scrooge to the past
in a DeLorean?

- [audience laughing]
- Are you joking?

Jokes? Where we're going,
we don't need jokes.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

So, Bubba J, we've now gotten to the part

that I think is
your favorite part of the show.

- Can I introduce it?
- Sure.

This is the part of the show where
you get to hear about what I think about

after I've had a few too many.
[goofy laughter]

This is 'Bubba J's Egg Nog Shots
and Christmas Thoughts.'

[audience cheering]

Every Christmas,
my mother bakes us cookies

and a gingerbread halfway house.

[audience laughing]

Think about this--
is Cindy-Lou Who Chinese?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Is it wrong for a snowman
to ask Santa Claus for a bigger carrot?

[audience laughing]

If the Grinch stole Kwanzaa,

would Democrats say it was Trump's fault?

[audience laughing]

When the little drummer boy played
for baby Jesus,

was that the peak of his career?

[audience laughing]

Did the three wise men include
gift receipts?

[audience laughing]

- You know what those gifts were, right?
- Oh, yeah.

- Gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
- Good for you.

- Very beautiful gifts.
- Yeah.

I doubt when he was in the manger
and was given those gifts,

that's the first time anybody went,
"Jesus Christ, look what you got!"

[audience laughing, cheering]

Keep going.

Maybe Santa wouldn't have
to check his list twice

if he used a bigger font. Duh.

[audience laughing]

Is Santa bipolar? [goofy laughter]

You get it? I wrote that one.
I'm killin' right now. That's good.

When Santa goes to a strip club,
does he make it snow?

[audience laughing]

- Why you laughing?
- I wrote that yesterday. It's funny.

[audience laughing]

If there's an earthquake
on Christmas in Los Angeles,

I bet you'll find a shelf on an elf.

[audience laughing]

For Christmas this past year,
I got my wife a boob job.

For Christmas this year,
I'll get her the other one.

[audience laughing]

And finally,
can a Gingerbread Man transition?

[audience laughing]

- What would he become?
- [goofy laugh] A donut hole.

[audience laughing, cheering]

- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
- Thanks, Milwaukee!

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

[audience cheering]

[indistinct Bubba J chatter,
goofy laughter]

For the next cast member in our movie,

I realized I had the perfect guy
to play Tiny Tim.

He's a semi-professional
ventriloquist dummy

that I designed
and just happen to sell online

and on Amazon, but...

this is the brand-new and improved
and cuter version 2.0

for kids and adults.

Please help me welcome
the perfect Christmas present

- for any new ventriloquist, Little Jeff.
- [upbeat rock music playing]

[audience cheering]

How you doing, Little Jeff?

Oh, I'm doing just fine, Jeff.
Thank you very much.

Okay. And you know where we are?

Oh, yeah, sure.
We're in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

[audience cheering]

In the lovely and historic Pabst Theater.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

- Where you have dressed me like a bum.
- Hey.

Okay, we're really not supposed
to use the word 'bum' anymore.

Oh, my apologies.

- It's offensive to some folks.
- That's right.

Why am I dressed like this?!

Looks like Goodwill went to ill will.

[audience laughing]

- Or I need a freaking will.
- All right.

Am I supposed to be homeless?

- It's not homeless.
- But wait a minute!

The other guys and I
already live in boxes,

so we are kind of homeless already.

Just look.
We're going to be shooting a movie,

- and I want you to play Tiny Tim.
- Who you calling tiny?

No, it's just a character name.

Well, I don't like it. I'm taller
than Tom Cruise, I'll have you know.

[audience laughing]

Shut up! I am!

He does his own stunts
'cause little guys don't get hurt.

[audience laughing]

- I didn't know that.
- Oh, sure.

You can carry him around
in one of those frickin' suitcases, too.

See, he could be in A Christmas Carol.
Tiny Tom.

- [audience laughing]
- I don't think so.

Tiny Tom and Tiny Tim could fight
Evil Scrooge. [laughing]

[laughing]

I got a weapon right here. Hi-ya!

Hi-ya!
[hums Mission Impossible theme]

[audience laughing]

- Can you put that down, please?
- Okay, whatever. Not like it's my crutch.

[audience laughing]

This jerk hot-glued it in my hand.
I hate you.

- All right.
- [audience laughing]

I don't look like this
when you're buying a box.

I don't have on my stupid hat
and the bum clothes.

You're not-- don't say "bum."

Bum bum. Bum bum bum.
Bum bum bum bum.

Bum-bum, bum-bum-bum, bum-bum. Hi-ya!

[humming]

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee,
dun-dun-dun.

- Can we go on?
- I don't care.

- I forgot where we were.
- Mil-wau-kee.

- I know that.
- [audience laughing]

Be nice, or Santa Clause won't bring
you anything.

That fat guy never gave me nothin'!

Really? Maybe 'cause you're not nice.

- I'm nice!
- You sure?

Ahh...

Santa knows when you're naughty and nice.

Why does no one find it creepy
that Santa does

constant surveillance on your kids?

[audience laughing]

So, I'm curious--
do you have any Christmas traditions?

- Yeah, I like to go to Vegas.
- Ah.

Does it feel like Christmas in Vegas?

It does
when the strippers wear Santa hats.

[audience laughing]

You know we're making a Christmas movie?

Is it one of the horrible sappy ones
on the Hallmark Channel

that make me wanna dropkick a cat?

[audience laughing]

No. Like I said, it's our version
of A Christmas Carol.

Oh, that sounds fantastic!

Any big stars in this movie?

Uh, well, I'll be in it.

So that would be 'no.' Anybody else?

[audience laughing]

All of us, including you.

If you say you want me
to be a tiny little elf,

I will Tom Cruise you. Hi-ya!

Look, in this story, Tiny Tim is dying.

Aw, how come?

- Well--
- You wrote his jokes? [laughing]

That's funny crap right there.
That's a good one. I got you there.

- Does this Tiny Tim have a job?
- No.

So, he's unemployed and he's a foreigner.

Bus him to California.
They'll love his ass.

[audience laughing, cheering]

- And Tiny Tim needs medical help?
- Yeah, some kind of operation.

Oh, so then Tiny Tim becomes Tiny Tina?

[audience laughing]

Why don't we talk about Christmas carols?

Maybe you could sing one
at the end of the movie.

What? I don't know any Christmas carols.

- I bet you know more than you think.
- I don't know.

I'll give you a line or two of the song,

and I think the rest will just pop
into your head.

- Okay, whatever.
- ♪ O Holy Night ♪

♪ I think you're out of tune ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ No one knows what the heck
a bough is ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Who is Harold and is he a queen? ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ O come all ye faithful ♪

♪ I can't believe you said that ♪

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

♪ Silent Night ♪

♪ Your hearing ain't right ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ What child is this? ♪

♪ With Maury Povich ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ If you're wearing them, you're gay ♪

- No!
- [audience laughing]

♪ God rest ye, merry gentlemen ♪

♪ The hookers went away ♪

[audience laughing]

Do you hear what I hear?

Nope. You have voices in your head.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

I'll have a blue Christmas.

Thank you, Viagra.

[audience laughing]

Say goodnight, Little Jeff.

Thanks, everybody! Yay!

- [audience cheering]
- Thank you!

[Jeff] Thank you.

The Ghost of Christmas Present
was another bit of easy casting for me,

because there's no one more present
or in your face than this purple guy.

Please help me welcome
my old friend, Peanut!

- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat rock music]

- Heya, Peanut.
- Doin' pretty good. How about you?

- I'm fine.
- That's [gibberish]. That's good!

- [laughing] Ha ha!
- Stop it! Cut it out.

- So, what's up, Jeff-fa-fa?
- As I've been telling the other guys,

you know we're going to be shooting
a Christmas movie next year.

- Yes!
- What's your favorite part of Christmas?

- The MILF on a shelf.
- [audience laughing]

Oh, sorry. Elf.
Elf, elf, elf on a shelf.

Sorry, I get those two mixed up sometimes.

Well, my friend's mom is incredibly hot.

- Right.
- And incredibly short.

- So, "MILF on a shelf."
- Stop it.

Okay, sorry. [laughing]
Ha ha!

- Stop!
- [audience laughing]

Can't wait to kiss her under the camelt--

Mistletoe, mistletoe, mistletoe!

[audience laughing]

Mistletoe. Sorry.

[audience laughing]

Sorry.

[laughing]

Okay, what's up?

Do you know who I want you to play
in A Christmas Carol?

- The rabbi!
- No. No.

- There is no rabbi. No.
- Really?

- Racist!
- Stop it.

There's no rabbi in the original story
of A Christmas Carol.

- You should change that.
- No, I shouldn't.

Jeff, these days you have to be diverse
in your hiring.

- I know.
- And equitable.

- Yes.
- And inclusive.

You're here.

[audience laughing]

- The hell does that mean?
- Well, you're not exactly typical.

Oh, really? Well, neither are you.

- I'm not purple.
- [audience laughing]

- I'm "of color."
- [audience laughing]

No one who is "of color" is purple.

[scoffs] Barney?

- Well...
- [audience laughs]

- Grimace?
- [audience laughing]

Peanut, those guys are all fake.
You're real.

[audience laughing]

I'm just gonna let that hang
in the air for a while

until everyone figures out
you're a danger to yourself

- and those around you.
- [audience laughing]

In the movie, I want you to play
the Ghost of Christmas Present.

- Sounds great!
- Right.

You enter Scrooge's bedroom
wearing a robe.

- Oh, I'll be like Hugh Hefner. "Hello."
- [audience laughing]

No, but you tell Scrooge
that unless he helps Tiny Tim,

the boy will die.

Why don't we make it
that Walter dies instead?

He's old. It's time, Jeff.

[audience laughing]

Come on, he's made of wood.
So, instead of a cremation,

- we'll have a campfire and make s'mores.
- [audience laughing]

- That's terrible.
- Wait!

You said
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present?

- Yes.
- So, I give presents?

No, not "presents."
I said "present," as in "now."

I'm changing it. I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Presents. Yay!

In fact, I have a Christmas present
for you, Jeff.

- For me?
- Yes. Marnell!

- What are you doing?
- It's okay. I already set up with Marnell.

- Marnell!
- Don't yell at Marnell.

I always yell at Marnell. Marnell!

Oh, look, there it is.
There's the Christmas present!

Look it, look it.
Marnell, you gotta help Jeff open it

'cause one of his hands is occupied.

Well, I don't know. You do a lot
with one hand, don't you, Jeff?

[audience laughing]

- [laughing] Ha ha!
- Stop it!

Thank you, Marnell. Marnell.

[deeper voice] Marnell. Marnell.

[audience laughing]

What white guy's named Marnell?
It makes no sense whatsoever.

And his last name is White.
What the [bleep]?

[audience laughing]

You know you thought
you were diversity hiring

when you hired 'Marnell White,"
then that [bleep] showed up.

[audience laughing, cheering]

[Jeff chuckling, stuttering]

- Open it!
- But...

[high-pitch voice]
Open it, open it, open it!

[audience laughing]

[mumbling indistinctly]

Oh. [scoffs]

Look, it's the Peanut ventriloquist dummy!

I'm so excited! Look at that!

[audience cheering]

So great! Look at that!

Tell 'em about the box. The box!
Tell 'em about the box!

- Just the freakin' box!
- Okay.

So, even the box is great.
We made it like a little steamer trunk.

It has stickers on it and a handle.
It's easy to carry.

And this can be for kids or adults.

Way to go, Jeff. You're doin' great.
Now, show 'em the doll.

It's such a great dummy. It's handsome.
It's me. It's so great!

[audience laughing]

- Show 'em!
- Okay.

Here it come, here it comes.
[excited laughing]

Oh, look, it's a little Peanut!
[squealing]

[audience cheering]

Yay!

So great! Tell them about it.

Okay, well, this is actually
a very high quality product.

- It's a legit ventriloquist dummy.
- Not a doll!

- No, it's not a--
- No string in the back of the neck!

- He's a hollow body.
- Hollow body!

- And there's a stick.
- A stick!

- It's called a head stick.
- Head stick!

- And you can move it around.
- There's a trigger!

Trigger on the stick, and you can make him
move like that and make him talk.

Show 'em how it works.
Show 'em! Show 'em!

- Show them?
- Show 'em how it works!

- You just can't do it. Show 'em.
- Oh. All right.

- [screaming]
- [audience laughing]

What the hell? What did you do?

W-what? I'm gonna be in therapy
for ten years now! What did you do?

I-- you wanted me to show them
how it works.

Not pull his head off!
What is wrong with you?

[audience laughing]

Put it back!

You are a sick man deep down.

- [audience laughing]
- Okay, so there he is.

Anyway, like I said,
a high quality product.

And even the feet and the hands,

I 3D scanned the real Peanut.

Yeah, and now I have cancer.

[audience laughing]

Okay, make him talk.

- What?
- Make him talk.

- Make him...
- Yeah, make him talk.

- Okay, but that's ventriloquism.
- Right.

- It's not easy.
- No.

- Lot of practice.
- Lot of practice!

- Right? Okay.
- Good.

I mean, first you have to learn how
to talk without moving your lips,

and then you have to learn how
to throw your voice,

and then you have to learn how
to make your voice different

so it's not the same as yours,
and then have to learn how

to manipulate it
and make him come to life.

Jeff, make the [bleep] doll talk.

[audience laughing, cheering]

Look, I don't really do this.
I just sell the dummy, uh...

But I guess I can figure this out.

So, uh, once for each syllable...

Okay, here we go.
[clears throat] Okay.

[Southern accent] Hi, look at me!
I'm Peanut!

I'm just sittin' up here.
I'm an ugly little guy.

Look, I got a big purple head,

and I got a green thing coming out
of the top of my head.

I look like a pineapple gone bad!

That's what I look like.
[goofy laughter]

Hey, look, I got only one shoe.

Did I lose a shoe or did I find a shoe?

I'm so stupid, I don't know.

Blah...!

[audience laughing, cheering]

The hell was that?

What the hell was what, Big Ugly Peanut?

It's just me, Little Handsome Peanut
talking to Big Handsome Jeff.

We're just up here talkin'.

Oh, look. Exorcist. Errr...

[audience laughing]

[goofy laughter]
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

[audience laughing]

Payback's a bitch.

[audience laughing, cheering]

Okay, first of all,
that sounds nothing like me.

Oh, well, I don't do impressions.

[audience laughing]

No, Ugly Peanut,
he doesn't do impressions.

This is just how I talk.
[goofy laughter]

That sounds stupid.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

[gibberish noises]

[wild laugh] Blah...

[audience laughing]

I'm gonna [bleep] kill you.

[audience laughing]

Oh, no! Big Ugly Peanut,
don't drop the f-bomb!

People get upset when you do that.

He's gotta talk and tell stupid jokes.
Blah, blah.

I'm funny, telling stupid jokes.
Blurr...

[audience laughing]

I'm gonna hire Achmed...

[audience laughing]

to get on the tour bus,
sneak in your bunk,

- and murder you in your sleep.
- [audience laughing]

Oh, no! Big Ugly Peanut, don't kill Jeff!

'Cause if he's dead,
we're all out of work.

[wild laughing]
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

[audience laughing]

- Are you finished?
- Yeah, I think so.

- This wasn't funny.
- Oh, it was really funny.

- I did not like it.
- I loved it.

- Fine. Fine.
- Fine. Fine.

- Big Peanut...
- That's me.

- ...and Little Peanut.
- That's me.

[all three chuckling]

[audience cheering]

And that's Peanut, ladies and gentlemen!

- Thank you!
- [audience cheering]

[Jeff] Thank you.
So, there's a character in my act

that I knew would be perfect
to play Death.

I think many of you know who that is.

Please help me welcome
the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

- [upbeat rock music playing]
- [audience cheering]

[cackling]

[vaguely Arabic accent]
Greetings and ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas, infidels!

[audience cheering]

Um, Achmed, why do you have on that hat?

I am Santa Claus.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

We are in the movie A Christmas Carol,

and I am here, Santa Claus,
to bring Christmas joy

to all the evil infidel children
around the world.

[laughing]

In the story A Christmas Carol,
there is no Santa Claus.

What is that line from that old movie,
Miracle on 34th Street?

Ah, yes. [clears throat]
Yes, Virgin, there is a Santa Claus.

- Achmed...
- Santa!

And I am right here.
Ho-ho-ho!

Virgin, you need a ho.

[audience laughing]

- Achmed...
- I am Santa,

and I have a Christmas song
to sing to Scrooge.

- Well...
- It's called "Deck the Hell."

[clears throat] La la...

[to tune of "Deck the Halls"]
♪Death to my pal, Ebenezer ♪

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la-la, bye-bye ♪

♪ You will soon be one dead geezer ♪

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la-la, you'll fry ♪

♪ You can help that Tiny Timmy ♪

♪ Fa la-la, la-la-la, or turn blue ♪

♪ Take it from me, the Grim Reaper ♪

♪ Fa la-la la-la, la... I killed you ♪

[audience cheering]

[Achmed] Thank you. Thank you.

Achmed, what do you think
about becoming an actor?

I will not do nude scenes.

[audience laughing]

- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]

When I say I am all bone,
it is not what you think.

[audience laughing]

So, are you familiar
with A Christmas Carol?

Is she really angry like Christmas Karen?

[audience laughing]

- That's a different thing.
- I hope so.

I'm scared of that crazy lady.

[audience laughing]

Do you know who visits Scrooge
in the middle of the night?

[gasps] 72 virgins?

[audience laughing]

No. Scrooge gets woken up
in the middle of the night

by three different folks.

Oh, Seal Team Six.

[audience laughing]

- I knew a guy that happened to.
- Yeah?

- Did not end well for him.
- No.

- You're talking about Usama.
- Yes.

That was awful what happened.

- Well...
- Bitch owed me money!

[audience laughing]

- Hey, I was curious.
- Yes?

Is the term 'elf' politically correct,

or do we now have to call them
vertically-challenged North Poleans?

[audience laughing]

Also, I would like to thank my reindeer
for flying me here tonight.

Much safer than on Boeing.

[audience ooh's, laughing]

Oh, too soon?

[audience laughing]

Ah, by the time this special airs,
it'll be fine.

- Okay.
- [audience laughing]

Wait, on second thought,
I don't think I can be Santa.

- Why not?
- I'm on a no-fly list.

[audience laughing]

- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]

- I kill you from here!
- [laughing]

Okay, look, A Christmas Carol takes place
at Christmas time.

That doesn't mean there has to be
a Santa in our movie.

Oh, come on! I'll be great!

And I already did some trading
with the real Santa.

- What?
- Yeah, I traded him

eight of my best goats
for eight of his reindeer.

- What?
- And they are virgin reindeer.

[audience laughing]

How do you know
if they're virgin reindeer?

Uh, the red nose is still in tact.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Some of them got it. Some of them didn't.

- Okay.
- [audience laughing]

- Achmed...
- Oh, come on, please?

I can visit Tiny Tim and bring toys
made from Santa's workshop.

Are the toys really made
in Santa's workshop?

- Uh, yes.
- [audience laughing]

But "Santa's Workshop" is now
the code word for China.

[audience laughing]

- Or as Trump calls it, "Gina."
- [audience laughing]

[laughing] I was thinking the other day--

it's a good thing
China is not in Virginia.

Because then Trump would say,
"I'm having a rally in Vagina."

- [goofy laughter]
- [audience laughing]

[Achmed cackling]

You don't think
the elves make the toys now?

Well, Chinese kids are very small.

- No. No. No.
- [audience laughing]

Achmed, you can't make jokes like that.

Too late, and do not call me Achmed.

- My pronoun is now "Santa."
- [audience laughing]

Santa is a name,
and a name is not a pronoun.

It's a proper noun.

You see, this is why you don't have
any friends outside the suitcase.

[audience laughing]

As Santa, I will have my list of kids
who are naughty and nice.

And by the way,
you know how Santa gets his list?

- No.
- The Chinese track the kid

on [bleep] TikTok.

[audience laughing, cheering]

- [Achmed] True story.
- [Jeff chuckling]

By the way, did you know
I used to be as big as Santa Claus?

- Yeah, but you know... [clunk]
- [audience laughing]

Look, if I played this ghost,
what are my lines?

- Oh, the ghost you play is silent.
- Silent?

- Right.
- You mean I don't say anything?

- That's correct.
- Oh.

How can I yell "silent"
if I'm always silent?

[audience laughing]

You take Scrooge to a cemetery
and simply point at his grave.

You want me to point?

[audience laughing]

- A little help.
- [audience laughing]

[audience laughing, cheering]

Did my arms just fall off?

Holy crap, I really was made in China!

[audience laughing]

- Are they down there?
- Yeah, they're down there.

- Where are they?
- No, don't-- you'll hurt--

Oh, no! Hold on a second.
Look, stop!

[indistinct arguing]

- [screaming]
- [audience laughing]

What the hell?

Now what do we do?

We can get some barbecue sauce.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]

♪ I want my baby back, baby back... ♪

[audience laughing]

- Not funny!
- [audience laughing]

- Put my ribs back on me.
- [audience laughing]

- Say please.
- [audience laughing]

- [bleep] you.
- [audience laughing, cheering]

- Not funny!
- [audience laughing]

Stop laughing, or I will come down
and Monty Python it

- and bite your legs off!
- [audience laughing]

Silent!

[audience laughing]

- You're gonna go to war?
- What?

Take up arms and...
[snickers] ...go?

[audience laughing, cheering]

- [mocking] Oh, ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]

Okay.

- Looks like you cracked a rib.
- Shut up!

[audience laughing]

- I remember 'cause I superglued it.
- Silence!

- [giggling]
- [audience laughing]

- [giggling]
- [audience laughing]

[giggling, snickering]

- Okay.
- I hate you!

[audience laughing]

Get my arms!

- Holy crap!
- [audience laughing]

I don't know which one's left
and which one's right.

[audience laughing]

I don't-- I don't know
how this goes in here.

- That's what she said.
- [audience laughing]

- Okay, next one.
- Look at that.

Cut it out!

[audience laughing]

- You're getting sleepy.
- Silence!

[audience laughing]

[Jeff chuckling] Hi.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- Thank you.
- All right, good to go. Here we go.

[audience laughing]

Ready? Okay!

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

The hell is that?

Well, my daughters were cheerleaders,
and I, you know...

- Fix my legs.
- Okay.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Great.

[audience laughing]

Thank you.

- Very good. Than-- what the...?
- [audience laughing]

- Son of a bitch. What the...?
- [audience laughing]

- Okay, you're an asshole.
- [audience laughing]

Cut it out! The [bleep]?!

Stop it! Stop! Stop!
Stop touching my wiener!

- Okay!
- [audience laughing]

Don't touch your face.
You just touch my wiener.

- I...
- [audience laughing]

- All right, back to our movie.
- Okay.

Look, the story takes place in old London.

Do you know what the call Santa Claus
in England?

Hey, you fat American!
Get [bleep] off my roof!

[audience laughing, cheering]

- Achmed...
- I should've done that

with a British accent.
[clears throat]

[obnoxious vocal warm-ups]

- What the hell?
- [audience laughing]

Me with my accent doing a British accent?

What the hell does that sound like?

- I don't know.
- Clearly.

Because I just tried it,
and you almost lost a tonsil.

[audience laughing]

By the way, what is your accent?

- You're asking me?
- [audience laughing]

I-- I don't know. Middle Eastern?

Where in the Middle East?

- Iowa?
- [audience laughing]

I am telling you my fans want
to hear me speak.

Let's get some lines for my character.

- Like what?
- I don't know. [clears throat]

Hey Scrooge, I've got some good news
and some bad news.

[elderly voice] What's the bad news?

[audience laughing]

- What the hell was that?
- [audience laughing]

- I was acting.
- Well, don't.

- You're scaring the children. Do it again.
- [audience laughing]

- What's the bad news?
- If you keep living the way you do,

you will be dead by Christmas.

- What's the good news?
- I lost 200 pounds on Ozempic!

[audience laughing, cheering]

[Achmed laughing]

- Say goodnight, Achmed.
- Happy holidays!

- It's Achmed, the dead terrorist.
- I'll kill you!

[audience cheering]

[Jeff] Thank you.

- [Achmed] Infidel!
- What?

- [Achmed] Infidel, come back!
- What?

[Achmed]
I need you to give this to Peanut!

Oh, okay.
Yes, I will give this to Peanut for you.

There we go.
I will give that to Peanut.

- Very nice. There we go.
- [audience laughing]

- All right, so I th--
- [explosion]

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[coughing]

Silence! I'll kill me!

And that's Achmed,
the dead, blown-up terrorist.

[audience cheering]

You guys have been
an awesome audience!

Thanks for coming out tonight!
We'll see you next time! Good night!

- [cheering]
- [upbeat rock music playing]

Thank you guys so much!

How about seeing
my wife and two little boys?

Here are Jack and James.
Come on, guys.

[audience cheering]

And my beautiful wife, Audrey Murdick,
ladies and gentlemen!

[audience cheering]

All right, happy holidays, everybody!
And Merry Christmas!

See you all next time!

Thanks, everybody! Good night!

[audience cheering]

[rock music version of
"O Come All Ye Faithful" playing]

- [beeping]
- [explosion]