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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,011 Jelly Roll. What's up, my brother? 4 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,179 - Hey, yo, Rock. - What's cooking, baby? 5 00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,472 God, I gotta stop sayin' that. 6 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:16,933 Did you hear about Adam Ray's new Dr. Phil special? 7 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,769 I didn't, but I also blocked his ass on Instagram months ago. 8 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:20,729 Why, what's goin' on? 9 00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:23,606 Netflix gave Adam Ray a Dr. Phil special! 10 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:27,193 Yeah, I saw some of that bullshit online. I gotta tell you, it's pretty funny. 11 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,404 Yo, I think he needs to hear about this. 12 00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:30,905 Hear about what? 13 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:33,950 Adam Ray is dressing up like you for a Netflix special. 14 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,494 You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. 15 00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:54,429 - Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! - Four, three, two… 16 00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:01,936 ♪ Whoa ♪ 17 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,105 ♪ Whoa ♪ 18 00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:06,524 ♪ Whoa ♪ 19 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,778 {\an8}♪ Whoa ♪ 20 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,488 {\an8} 21 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:28,171 Ladies and gentlemen, make it loud for the man you came to see. 22 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:30,423 Are you ready? 23 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:31,966 Here he comes. 24 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:36,304 Give it up for Dr. Phil! 25 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:49,234 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 26 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:53,905 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 27 00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:56,616 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 28 00:01:56,699 --> 00:02:00,537 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 29 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,788 Dr. Phil! 30 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,961 Comedy Store, make some motherfucking noise 31 00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:10,046 if you're excited to be alive tonight. 32 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,174 Who's excited for Dr. Phil Live? 33 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:16,469 Holy shit. You're blowing the roof off this place. 34 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,429 Look at all the titties and beards. 35 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,932 You guys are a good one. You can take a seat. 36 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:21,933 That's good. 37 00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:23,143 I love you, sir. 38 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:24,519 We're excited to be here. 39 00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:27,063 This is a fun energy. I'll take it from here, sir. 40 00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:31,317 Tonight's show is all about imitation. Okay? 41 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:35,238 Webster's Dictionary, uh, defines that as something made to look, 42 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,865 uh, like something else. Okay? 43 00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:40,702 My wife Robin is always trying to get me to, uh, imitate celebrities 44 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,537 when we have trouble getting into restaurants. 45 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,539 She always says, "Go with Nicolas Cage." 46 00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:47,333 "No one denies Cage shit," she always says. 47 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,627 Uh, so I'll call up a restaurant and go, uh… 48 00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:53,381 "Ah, ah, ah, ah." 49 00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:54,716 "I need a table for two." 50 00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:56,009 "Ah, 7:30." 51 00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:58,469 "Ah, by the window!" 52 00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:03,224 We get right in and have ourselves some shrimp cocktail. 53 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,562 But you know, life is throwing a lot of curveballs at us, left and right. 54 00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:10,356 I can see a lot of helpless souls in the crowd tonight, 55 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,401 looking to try to figure things out, put one foot in front of the other. 56 00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:14,611 People that are struggling 57 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,363 with the idea of who they are and where they wanna be. 58 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:20,408 Uh, sir, with the nice stache and the wrist tattoos. 59 00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:21,701 What's your name, sir? 60 00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:22,911 - Eric. - Eric, let's go. 61 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,662 - He smoked weed. - He smoked… 62 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,581 What are you, his sponsor? What's goin' on? 63 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,708 Why are you outing him in the front row? 64 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:30,210 And what are you on? 65 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,836 - What's your name? - Everything. 66 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,213 You're on everything? Oh shit. 67 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,131 We got time. Let's go down the list real quick. 68 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:37,842 Tylenol PM? 69 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,096 Plan B? Gushers? 70 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,807 You got some Gushers inside you? Some Gushers juice? 71 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,434 Skittles? Okay. 72 00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,645 - Go-GURT. - Go-GURT? 73 00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,773 Eric just said Go-GURT like he's a ten-year-old boy. 74 00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:54,859 "Go-GURT." 75 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,780 Eric, where do you get a Go-GURT in 2024? 76 00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:00,073 Be honest with me. 77 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,951 - Sometime tonight, player. Yeah. - Staples. 78 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,994 Staples? 79 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,873 Eric, are you retarded? What's goin' on? 80 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:11,417 Are you supposed to be here right now? 81 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:12,919 Where's your dad? 82 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,964 What do you do for work, Eric? 83 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:19,425 Uh, composite lamination for federal contracts. 84 00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,219 Yeah. You're making this all up. That's fine. 85 00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:23,596 Let's go to this side of the room. 86 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,306 What's your name, with the mask on? 87 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,141 And I appreciate the safety concern, right? 88 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:29,060 Never "whoever smelt it, dealt it," right? 89 00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:31,271 You ain't tryin' to be a victim of that crime. 90 00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:32,897 - What's your first name? - Chase. 91 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,649 Chase? Let's go. Like the bank, yeah? 92 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:37,735 - Say it again. - Unfortunately. 93 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,821 "Unfortunately." Okay. Well, okay. 94 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:43,449 That's what I'm talking about. 95 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:46,244 We're always trying to make upgrades in our life, 96 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:49,706 and Chase was born into a life that he didn't want. Okay? 97 00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,874 His parents… I'm assuming named you Chase, right? 98 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,167 You could've been Wells Fargo. 99 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,836 That would've sucked. 100 00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,255 You would've fucking hanging out with Eric over here, right? 101 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:00,133 Chase, what do you do for work? 102 00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:04,470 Uh, I'm, uh… I work at an advertising agency, basically. 103 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,306 Chase, what is it that you dream about? 104 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,432 You're in advertising, 105 00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:10,435 but it seems like there's other aspirations floating around inside of you. 106 00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:12,812 Maybe a stable relationship with my family. 107 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:15,315 Maybe a stable relationship with your family? 108 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:16,983 Aww. 109 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:18,568 We'll be right back. 110 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:20,945 Had to. 111 00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,656 You knew it was coming. You knew it was coming. 112 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,450 We had to take a commercial break. 113 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,702 Jesus fucking Christ! 114 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,997 Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh over here. 115 00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:33,499 Fucking sadness table for one. 116 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:36,794 Goddammit, Chase. Way to suck the fucking vibe out of the room, 117 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,088 nine minutes into the show. 118 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,299 Keep it going for Chase. 119 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,384 That guy has got a lot of good stuff ahead of him. 120 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,388 Lot of good times are awaiting Chase. 121 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,641 And I can't wait to see, uh… I can't wait to see what happens. 122 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,226 Eric, you okay? Was that-- Yeah. 123 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,270 What was girl's name? What's your name, sweetheart? 124 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,521 - Darcy. - Darcy. That's right. 125 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:58,399 - How long you guys been together? - A little over five years. 126 00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,734 Let's go. Where did you meet? 127 00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:03,363 - Online. Fuckin' A! - Fuckin' A, yeah. 128 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,740 What is the best trait about yourself? How about that? 129 00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,368 Whoo! I'm open-minded. 130 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,036 - You're open-minded. Okay. - Yeah. 131 00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:12,330 That goes for everything with Darcy as well, yeah? 132 00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,582 - Fuckin' right. - Fuckin' right. Yeah. 133 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:15,500 Okay. 134 00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,254 I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now, 135 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:21,714 if I'm being perfectly honest here. 136 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,883 It feels like you're kind of coming at me 137 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:26,344 with some sort of gibberish and rubberish, okay? 138 00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:29,138 It feels like something that you've kinda been pulling off today. 139 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,266 Maybe in the last couple of days. 140 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:51,744 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 141 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,414 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 142 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:57,166 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 143 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,836 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 144 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,171 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 145 00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:14,851 I, um… 146 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,562 I don't think I like your fuckin' attitude. 147 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:31,492 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 148 00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:35,163 Who are you? 149 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,418 Who am I, bitch? Who are you? 150 00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:37,141 We'll be right back. 151 00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:45,942 Fuck that shit. 152 00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,693 We're gonna keep it right here. Take a seat. 153 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:50,363 Guys, keep it goin' for Phil McGraw. Here he is, right here. 154 00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:51,906 Take a seat for me, Phil. 155 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,325 Take a seat for me. 156 00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:55,284 There you go. 157 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,994 Phil, it's good to see you. 158 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,579 Appreciate you being here. 159 00:08:58,663 --> 00:08:59,872 I'm sure you do. 160 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,958 {\an8}- 161 00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:06,337 {\an8}I'm sure this was exactly how you planned this evening. 162 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:11,926 I guess… What are your hobbies when you're not, uh… you know? 163 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,595 Well, if you had done your homework, you would know. 164 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,348 Okay. Tennis. Being a dick. 165 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:20,935 Um… 166 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:23,437 - Fucking Christ! - That's, um… 167 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,939 Excuse me. 168 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,024 That's Dr. Dick to you. 169 00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,612 You're gonna make my mustache fall off. 170 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:33,906 You can keep yours on. 171 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,742 So, I'll ask the questions. 172 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:37,785 I love that. 173 00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,913 So, how… how did… What did… Why did you… 174 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,748 Why did you start this? 175 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,250 I mean… 176 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:45,334 It's a good question. 177 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,211 What, are you trying to get laid or something? 178 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,796 What are you… 179 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:49,839 Yep. 180 00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,383 - Yeah. - Yeah? Well, how's that working for you? 181 00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:53,634 - It's not. - Yeah. 182 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,847 Takes more than just the look, right? 183 00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:01,517 Yeah, you gotta have the vibe, the walk, the strut, the confidence, right? 184 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,852 - Yeah. - You're big on confidence. 185 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:05,229 We talk about that in our book We've Got Issues. 186 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,358 Chapter… chapter two through five. 187 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,527 I see a couple of copies in the audience tonight. 188 00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:13,988 Yeah. You see, the thing is, 189 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,324 that's, uh… Were there two of them out there? 190 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:17,825 That's… 191 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,036 That's two out of 70 million. 192 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,207 Have you seen Oppenheimer? 193 00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:29,045 I have. 194 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,630 Yeah. Are you a big movie guy? 195 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:34,425 It's tough to… It's tough to fit in fun during a busy schedule, you know? 196 00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:37,219 Coming here, right? Leaving here. You know? 197 00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,890 - Yeah, I'm gonna stay awhile. - You're gonna stay? 198 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,600 Yeah, I wanna see… 199 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,393 Hey… No. 200 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,270 Ain't nobody mad about that. 201 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,688 Now… Now… 202 00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,566 Le-- Let me ask you all honestly. 203 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,735 Can-- 204 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,570 Seriously. Seriously. 205 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,530 Can he do me? 206 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:57,948 Yeah! 207 00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:00,993 Can he do me? 208 00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:09,710 It's more than just the look, I mean… 209 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,839 Right, it's… it's the… Well, let me get up how you got up. 210 00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,892 You walk dick out and I love that. 211 00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:26,811 That's a power move. 212 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,730 Now-- But can… can he do me? 213 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:31,649 - I mean, does he know? - Yes! 214 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,985 - Okay. - Has he… Has he done his homework? 215 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,821 You come from this… 216 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:39,448 You come from Texas, Oklahoma area. 217 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,700 - Sure. Yeah. - Do you know… 218 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,118 Do you know what things mean? 219 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:45,705 Uh, this feels like a racist riddle you're setting me up for. 220 00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,209 Who here is from Texas or Oklahoma? Raise your hand. 221 00:11:50,292 --> 00:11:51,293 Whoo. 222 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,837 - Oh. Three-- - Okay. 223 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,088 - Thanks for coming out. - Three. 224 00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:56,382 - So we are in a bubble here. Okay. - Yeah. 225 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:58,134 All right. Interpret this saying. 226 00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,135 Okay. 227 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,263 You gotta lick that calf over again. 228 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,975 Well, this is a fun game I didn't realize I was getting into. 229 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:09,687 You gotta lick that calf over again. What's that mean? 230 00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,439 That means, uh… That means if… 231 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:12,982 You have no idea what it means. 232 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,109 Well, can I finish my fucking thought, Phil? 233 00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,446 - Jesus-- - No, you talk slower than I do. 234 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,990 You gotta get to the point. 235 00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,159 You gotta lick that calf over. 236 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:26,162 That means you gotta get up, dust yourself off and try again. 237 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:28,914 - Whoo. - Yeah. 238 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,583 Look, this is chess, not checkers. 239 00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:33,043 You gotta… You gotta actually think about this. 240 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,628 - Okay, okay. - Let's not-- 241 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,422 You know. You've got people in Oklahoma. 242 00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:39,008 Yeah, yeah. Lick a calf's twat… 243 00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,430 No, lick a calf… lick a calf to make it… 244 00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:45,556 What-- Yeah. 245 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,392 When a mother has a calf-- 246 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,561 She has to lick it and bring it back to… 247 00:12:50,644 --> 00:12:52,938 No, she licks it from one end to the other, 248 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,940 and if there's anything wrong with it, 249 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,567 she walks off and leaves it. 250 00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,694 So when you're in business, you're talking to somebody 251 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,237 and they say, "No, this deal's okay." 252 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,656 They go, "Uh, you gotta lick that calf over again." 253 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:05,409 - You gotta review the paperwork. - Make sure there's nothing wrong. 254 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,411 You gotta dot your i's and cross your t's. 255 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:08,579 There you go. 256 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,915 Great. One for one. There we go. Okay. Cool. 257 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,667 My man. My man. 258 00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:16,504 Now, next time I'm looking on YouTube 259 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,464 and I see something, you better start using this. 260 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:20,591 If you're gonna do me, you gotta do me. 261 00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:23,302 You're right. Okay. So now, uh… Now how about, uh… 262 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,303 Give me one that… 263 00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:28,390 Do you have one that… that you improvise on stage during your show? 264 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,143 You ever come up with a phrase and you're like, "Fuck, that was good." 265 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,604 'Cause I heard you say, like, uh… 266 00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:36,982 "There's no… There's like… There's two sides to a pancake." Right? 267 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,902 I once saw you say to some bitch… 268 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,111 You were like, uh… 269 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,532 There was a mom and her daughter was being all real, 270 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,909 you know, just real spazzy-bedazzy. You know? 271 00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:49,036 The daughter was like, you know, "I don't smoke weed." 272 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:52,164 And the mom was like, "Yeah, you do. I gave it to you." 273 00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,500 And you were like, "Both of you, shut up." 274 00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:57,002 Right? And then… But you said it in a nice way. 275 00:13:57,086 --> 00:14:00,965 And then you said, "Hey, tell me, Mom, where did she get the weed from?" 276 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,550 The Mom goes, "I don't wanna tell you." 277 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,636 And you said, "I didn't come 90% of the way 278 00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:07,346 to get 10% of the information." 279 00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,764 That's what you said. 280 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:12,434 I fucking stood up and applauded. And took my pants… It was an exciting day. 281 00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,980 It felt like you shot that one from the hip. 282 00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,566 But was that a designed, strategic phrase? 283 00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:21,360 You know, I… I don't have a script. 284 00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:24,613 So I never know what I'm gonna say until they say what they say. 285 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,532 - Got you. - So it's all made up. 286 00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:28,576 I'm sorry to say. 287 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,286 I mean, that's the way to do it. 288 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,705 Well, that just goes to show you're a good listener, right? 289 00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:33,706 Yeah. You gotta listen. 290 00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:35,833 I never know what they're gonna say. Trust me. 291 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,002 And every time I think I've heard it all, 292 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,796 I walk out there and say, "Oh shit, no, I haven't. 293 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:45,050 Do you go on the Internet? 294 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,180 Hold that thought. We'll be right back. 295 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,643 No, we'll keep it right here. 296 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,729 We'll keep it right here. 297 00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,941 No, th-- that's how I found you. 298 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,318 - Okay. - On the Internet. 299 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:06,071 Somebody called and said, "Have you seen this guy on the Internet?" 300 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,490 What was your first thought? 301 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:12,494 Um, I thought, "I don't have time to look at this shit." 302 00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,673 - Touché. - Uh-- No. 303 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:28,135 No, then my son Jordan said, "No, you really should look at this." 304 00:15:28,218 --> 00:15:31,096 And I looked at it and, um, I thought, 305 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:34,266 "This guy is really funny." 306 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:37,603 I have to admit. I thought it was absolutely hilarious. 307 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:40,940 I'm serious. 308 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,024 Appreciate it. 309 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,192 Um… 310 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,990 What if I just started crying, looking like this, in front of real Phil? 311 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,869 Yeah, well, it's… You know, you gotta throw darts. 312 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,579 Life is all about just trying. You know? 313 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,666 I mean, I know that you… I know that you subscribe to that, right? 314 00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,125 It's starting a new network. 315 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,836 I mean, it's always… You've been active in the business 316 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,673 for… for quite some time, so it's a big venture to go, 317 00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:08,175 "I'm gonna start an entirely new project." Right? 318 00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:11,512 Yeah. Um, I'm supposed to be, like, retired 319 00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:13,889 and sitting around the house or something. 320 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,391 Robin said, "That ain't happening." 321 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,851 - Robin said, "No"? - She said, "No, that's not happening." 322 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,103 - Fuckin' Robin. - Yeah. 323 00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:21,438 Um… 324 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:25,609 Uh, I'm gonna make a note and tell her you said that. 325 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:26,944 No-- 326 00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:28,862 Let me see. 327 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,531 You can do it later. It's fine. 328 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:32,491 - It's 8:55… - 8:55. 329 00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,910 …when you derogated my wife. 330 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,787 Okay, got it. Okay. 331 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,665 Wait, now you've been married-- It's been what? 40-- 332 00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:40,582 Forty-eight years. 333 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,002 Guys, give it up. 48 years. That's an exciting time. 334 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,757 - And there is a secret to that. - I was gonna ask. 335 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,300 There is a secret to that. 336 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:53,679 And I… I learned it, maybe eight, ten years into it. 337 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,973 And that is, when she says, "What?" 338 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,976 It isn't that she didn't hear you. 339 00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:03,230 She's given you a chance to change what you've said, 340 00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,400 and you better, by God, take it. 341 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,361 It's not that she didn't hear you. 342 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:12,948 Yeah, it's just she's given you-- 343 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,200 She's letting you step around the grenade, right? 344 00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:16,118 Yeah, one time. 345 00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:18,537 She's given you one shot and you better take it. 346 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,414 You better throw yourself on that grenade, 347 00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:23,250 and say, "Oh, no, no. It's not you. No, no." 348 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,252 Yeah. "No, no, no. That was Pornhub." 349 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,422 "That-- That was our son's laptop. Yeah." 350 00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:29,882 Now, is there a time though? 351 00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,342 Like, you gotta pick your battles. Is that a real thing or no? 352 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:35,012 She's had your babies and… 353 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:38,015 and, uh, you… you just don't want to go there. 354 00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:39,725 Yeah. Our babies. Yeah. 355 00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,477 Yeah. Yeah. 356 00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,562 What's your favorite color? 357 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:46,857 Why? 358 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,401 - Just trying-- - What made you ask that? 359 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:50,402 W-- Well, uh… 360 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,946 What would you do with the information if you had it? 361 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,117 Well, seeing as how you're dressed 362 00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:59,536 like a waiter at the Olive Garden right now, 363 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,121 I would say it's black. 364 00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:05,334 But if push came to shove, I'd strike you as a navy blue guy. 365 00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:11,048 I feel like navy blue, you wear it well. I think I've seen you in blue suits. 366 00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:12,925 I've seen us in blue suits. 367 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,013 Well, my favorite color 368 00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:20,557 is navy blue. 369 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,901 When you're flying around, right, 370 00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:34,988 uh, around the country, doing press for the book, for the network, 371 00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,198 do you… do have a… 372 00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:39,201 You know, travelling always, I think, creates habits. 373 00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:40,869 Okay? You gotta find a routine. 374 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,038 Do you have a routine food or snack wise? 375 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,957 That's one of my favorite things to know about people. 376 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,416 You can learn a lot about somebody, 377 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,878 uh, based on what sort of munch and crunch they're taking down. 378 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,923 Are you a Pop-Tart guy, or a Crustable guy, 379 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,509 or a… an untrustable guy? 380 00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,847 I actually do have a favorite snack. 381 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:00,973 - Great. - Yeah. 382 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,433 - I ain't telling you. - Okay. 383 00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:07,646 Well, let's play a little game called "What's my favorite snack?" 384 00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:08,981 All right. 385 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,983 - I get three guesses, okay? - Okay. Go. 386 00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:13,068 - Uh… - Nope. 387 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,199 What else? 388 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,325 Dai… 389 00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,578 Uh, Dairy Queen Blizzard. 390 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,122 - Nope. - Okay. 391 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,541 Uh, chocolate bar. 392 00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,419 What? 393 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,296 What, are you born in the '20s? 394 00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:35,174 They have names now like Hershey's, and Snickers, and… 395 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:36,758 Okay. 396 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,302 "Chocolate bar." 397 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:41,138 What-- "I'd like a chocolate bar, please." 398 00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:42,181 What? 399 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,974 "I'd like a chocolate bar." 400 00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:46,185 What-- Uh-- What? 401 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,146 Um… 402 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,276 I just watched… 403 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:57,112 rewatched Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory last night, 404 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,989 and Charlie Bucket, super poor… 405 00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:00,490 His last name's fucking Bucket. 406 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:05,078 …wandered into the store and said, "Can I have a chocolate bar, sir?" 407 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:08,749 So, sorry if I'm fucking, you know, stuck in the '20s, bitch. 408 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:09,958 So you were… 409 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,669 Hershey's, Snickers, Reese's Pieces… 410 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,756 What time were you watching Willy Wonka last night? 411 00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:17,966 Guess. 412 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,303 Not so fun, is it? 413 00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,347 Uh, what did you… 414 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:24,723 What… 415 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,809 Now what I want to know is, what did you turn down 416 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,103 to watch Willy Wonka last night? 417 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,772 2 Girls 1 Cup. 418 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,695 You happy? You… You got your answer. 419 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:40,697 You'd already seen that. 420 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:47,412 You're good. 421 00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:48,789 Yeah. 422 00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:50,582 You have no idea. 423 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,669 I'm having a good time. 424 00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:54,836 - Yeah? - It's fun. 425 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,672 You've been to The Comedy Store before? 426 00:20:56,755 --> 00:21:00,259 I've been here… I've been here once a long time ago. 427 00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:02,135 A good friend of mine, Ron White, was here. 428 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:05,138 Give it up for Ron White. That's a living legend right there. 429 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,891 That's a good guy with a good heart. 430 00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,769 - He is a good guy. - Uh… 431 00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:14,231 Yeah, funny. You know, it's, uh… it's not an easy thing to come out 432 00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:17,317 and just swing like this and… and hit home runs, you know? 433 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,028 Have you always trusted yourself in the comedy world? 434 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,322 'Cause, on the show, you're not trying to be funny, right? 435 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,365 Just happens. 436 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,077 Yeah. 437 00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:28,620 I'm, um… 438 00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:30,956 You know, I just do me. 439 00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:34,209 I… I don't know. I don't try to be one way or the other. 440 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,210 But you know what? 441 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,462 People ask me questions. They ask questions. 442 00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:39,965 They need to be ready to hear the answers, the way I figure it. 443 00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:42,884 And if they like, they like it. If they don't, they don't. 444 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,928 I was looking for something to do, I had to do it. 445 00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:47,180 That's what's up. 446 00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,557 And, uh… 447 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,350 Don't… Don't we feel that way? 448 00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:51,768 We feel… Yeah, we do. 449 00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,647 But we have to. It's a changing… an ever-changing world. 450 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,358 Yeah. Look, you gonna piss somebody off all the time, 451 00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:00,193 so you might as well do what you want. 452 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:04,281 Boy, ain't that the truth. 453 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:07,117 I have that tattooed on my lower back. 454 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,327 Do you? 455 00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:09,703 That's your tramp stamp? 456 00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:11,330 That's my tramp stamp. 457 00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:12,748 Okay. Got it. 458 00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:14,082 A day off for Phil looks like… 459 00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,793 What, Six Flags or a Dave & Buster's? 460 00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:18,962 Are you a big-- Are we a Skee-Ball guy? 461 00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:20,172 You know? 462 00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:25,719 No, you know, I'm kind of a loner, kinda homebody type. 463 00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:28,388 I… I get some time where I don't have shit to do. 464 00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:29,639 - Yeah. - I can get… 465 00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:34,019 You'd be surprised how worthless I can get if you give me a couple of days off. 466 00:22:34,102 --> 00:22:35,145 I mean, I… 467 00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:37,606 Seriously, I'm like a lizard on a rock. 468 00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:39,733 - I… I just… - That's what I'm talking about. 469 00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:42,277 That… That felt like a made-up saying right there. 470 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,403 A lizard on a rock. 471 00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,864 No, I mean, have you ever watched a lizard on a rock? 472 00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:47,532 No. I got better shit to do. 473 00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:49,076 What the fuck are you talking about? 474 00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,203 - Have you seen TV? - No, you obviously don't, 475 00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:55,499 or you wouldn't be here in that suit pretending to be me. 476 00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:05,550 - I hear you. - Yeah. 477 00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:09,888 I am a big zoo guy though. 478 00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:10,847 - Yeah? - Yeah. 479 00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:11,890 So, lizard on a rock… 480 00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:14,393 I know they got a reptile category at the zoo, 481 00:23:14,476 --> 00:23:15,936 but I'm more of a gorilla… 482 00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:18,772 Ever see a gorilla just fire off a load in front of a kid? 483 00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,524 Yeah. 484 00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:24,611 Now, I… I have to say that's still on my bucket list. 485 00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:27,572 I'll send you a link. 486 00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:29,282 Yeah. 487 00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:32,994 Um, I know we got a lot of people out here that came out to enjoy the show, 488 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:35,122 but there's also people dealing with some issues. 489 00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:36,415 They're on the struggle bus. 490 00:23:36,498 --> 00:23:38,625 They got a one-way ticket to "What the fuck's going on?" 491 00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:40,710 - Did you say "struggle bus"? - Struggle bus, yeah. 492 00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:51,721 Do you give advice at these shows? 493 00:23:52,681 --> 00:23:55,183 Hold that thought, Phil. Uh, does anybody… 494 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,811 Does anybody have anything they'd like to get off their chest? 495 00:23:57,894 --> 00:23:58,770 What's that? 496 00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:01,022 Oh shit. Oh my fuckin' God. 497 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:02,649 Oh my fuckin' God. 498 00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:05,318 Oh shit. Oh shit. 499 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:06,987 Oh my God. 500 00:24:07,070 --> 00:24:09,322 Oh my God. 501 00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:11,825 Sweet mother of God. 502 00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,327 This… Oh! 503 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:15,704 Oh my God. 504 00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,582 Oh, Jesus Christ. 505 00:24:18,665 --> 00:24:21,543 This is everything I was hoping for and more. 506 00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:23,837 Dear God. 507 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,089 What in God's name? 508 00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:27,924 Gabe, haven't you been on this show before? 509 00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:29,926 I have. I did the same thing last time. 510 00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:34,556 - And how did it work out for you? - I'm back. 511 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:38,185 Well, Gabe, you came on the show, 512 00:24:38,268 --> 00:24:40,020 I think, with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee, 513 00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:42,314 and you ripped it up just like you did just now. 514 00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:43,440 Why are you back? 515 00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:47,110 You told me that if I believed in myself, my dreams would come true. 516 00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:49,321 And that was a fucking lie 'cause it didn't come true. 517 00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:50,405 Well, what are you… 518 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:52,324 Phil, you got any questions? 519 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,789 Well, I sure have more questions than answers. 520 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:06,296 This guy seems like he actually… may actually have some talent. 521 00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,800 Oh shit. Oh my God. 522 00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:12,886 We'll get-- Okay. All right, Dances with Wolves. 523 00:25:12,969 --> 00:25:14,638 All right. Yup. 524 00:25:14,721 --> 00:25:17,432 Gabe, Gabe-- Oh, Jesus fuckin' Christ! 525 00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:19,100 What move is that? That… 526 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,437 This feels like the horny ghost that was stealing my granola bars. 527 00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:24,356 Gabe, hold on for a-- Hey… 528 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:25,315 Okay. 529 00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:27,025 What is your dream, by the way? 530 00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:29,653 You said I didn't help you pursue it. What is it? 531 00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:31,780 I wanted to breakdance in the Olympics. 532 00:25:34,324 --> 00:25:35,659 You're in the right city. 533 00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:37,452 That's right. They're gonna be here. 534 00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:38,787 They're coming here next. 535 00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:39,955 Gabe, do you wanna audition 536 00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:42,958 for the Los Angeles Olympics right here, right now? 537 00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,752 Oh, come on. 538 00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:48,713 Gabe! Gabe! 539 00:25:48,797 --> 00:25:50,173 Hit it, DJ! 540 00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:07,399 Holy shit! 541 00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:08,650 Okay. 542 00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:10,652 Holy shit! 543 00:26:11,194 --> 00:26:12,279 Holy shit! 544 00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,116 He did it, guys. Keep it goin' for Gabe. There he goes. 545 00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:17,200 There he goes. 546 00:26:17,284 --> 00:26:19,160 Gabe, I fuckin' love you, player. 547 00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:20,704 Guys, keep it goin' for Gabe. 548 00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:22,831 He's Olympic bound in Los Angeles. 549 00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:25,375 And guys, one more time for the real Dr. Phil. 550 00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:27,544 Here he goes, baby. Phil McGraw. 551 00:26:27,627 --> 00:26:28,837 All right, guys. 552 00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:34,342 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 553 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,220 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 554 00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,848 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 555 00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:42,684 Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 556 00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:48,481 We will be right back. 557 00:26:48,565 --> 00:26:50,025 Oh shit. 558 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:51,568 Don't go anywhere. We'll be back. 559 00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:01,036 Have you ever felt the moon? 560 00:27:03,163 --> 00:27:05,582 Or listened to the heartbeat of a lion? 561 00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:12,881 In every space of time we live, 562 00:27:13,882 --> 00:27:16,217 searching, standing, 563 00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:18,303 breathing. 564 00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:22,891 The moment your mind escapes the truth. 565 00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:26,811 When passion follows the dream. 566 00:27:30,690 --> 00:27:32,400 And worlds collide. 567 00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:35,195 Touching, feeling, 568 00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:37,030 hoping. 569 00:27:38,531 --> 00:27:41,493 Have a sip of nature's dripping love. 570 00:27:43,411 --> 00:27:47,123 Only God knows why the waves blow in the wind, 571 00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,751 the sea sounds in dreams. 572 00:27:54,964 --> 00:27:59,177 Who can tell us why we know what we do, when we do. 573 00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:01,429 I get knocked down, 574 00:28:02,430 --> 00:28:03,682 but I get up again, 575 00:28:04,265 --> 00:28:06,267 and again, and again, 576 00:28:06,893 --> 00:28:07,894 and again. 577 00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:14,275 Love is the ultimate prize. 578 00:28:15,151 --> 00:28:17,445 The smell of confidence. 579 00:28:18,863 --> 00:28:22,492 LP cologne. Put a little man in you. 580 00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:25,787 Holy shit. 581 00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:28,373 Guys, your next guest on the Dr. Phil Live show… 582 00:28:28,456 --> 00:28:32,127 Uh, you might recognize from TV shows like King of Queens, A.P. Bio, 583 00:28:32,210 --> 00:28:33,044 Parks and Rec-- 584 00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,629 Maybe movies like Young Adult, 585 00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:36,798 The Secret Life of Pets, Ghost Busters. 586 00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:39,217 Uh, his countless stand-up specials. 587 00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:40,927 And, of course, my favorite… 588 00:28:41,010 --> 00:28:42,804 He's the voice of motherfucking Ratatouille. 589 00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:46,850 Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the one and only Patton Oswalt. 590 00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:48,226 Here he comes right now. 591 00:29:02,782 --> 00:29:04,576 Here we go. Guys, Patton Oswalt. There he is. 592 00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:06,453 - Make some noise for him. - Hi, guys. Thank you. 593 00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:09,456 What a gangster. Living legend. 594 00:29:09,539 --> 00:29:10,832 How you doin'? You feelin' good? 595 00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:13,918 Uh, yeah. I'm feeling a little shaky right now 596 00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:17,213 {\an8}just from-- I think all of us, feeling a little surreal. 597 00:29:17,297 --> 00:29:19,549 {\an8}But, um, I think we're gonna… 598 00:29:19,632 --> 00:29:22,844 What would be your advice to me right now? I'm a little out of sorts. 599 00:29:22,927 --> 00:29:24,471 Do I roll with it? What do I do? 600 00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:26,723 Patton, is Ratatouille based on a true story? 601 00:29:26,806 --> 00:29:29,142 Um… 602 00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:30,769 You narrated one of my favorite shows. 603 00:29:30,852 --> 00:29:32,812 - The Goldbergs. - Thank you. 604 00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:35,565 Guys, give it up for The Goldbergs and Patton Oswalt. 605 00:29:35,648 --> 00:29:37,984 A great show with a great message and a great family. 606 00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:38,902 Yeah. 607 00:29:38,985 --> 00:29:41,196 And I just got so jealous watching that. 608 00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:42,655 I was like, "Fuck, I would love--" 609 00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:45,200 It's one of my… my bucket list items, 610 00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:48,828 to have you narrate any part of my life. 611 00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:49,913 Oh. All right. 612 00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:52,916 So, if you don't mind, I'd love to throw up some sweet music 613 00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:54,876 that I picked to be my soundtrack, 614 00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,545 and you can just kinda casually Goldberg it up 615 00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,464 and… and narrate my day-to-day. 616 00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:00,965 And I'll just kinda fart around here 617 00:30:01,049 --> 00:30:02,884 and you just kinda describe what's goin' on. 618 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,886 - Is that cool? - Okay. Here we go. Absolutely. 619 00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:07,138 All right. Hit me with some "feel alive" music, Stephen. 620 00:30:07,222 --> 00:30:08,223 You got something to-- 621 00:30:08,306 --> 00:30:10,975 Oh my gosh. 622 00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,770 - We'll start with me in bed. - Okay. 623 00:30:13,853 --> 00:30:16,981 It was September 19th, nineteen eighty-something, 624 00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:20,902 and Dr. Phil was waking up with the crack of dawn. 625 00:30:21,569 --> 00:30:25,073 The sun came through the slats of his Venetian blinds 626 00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:30,787 as he did his five Tibetan rituals 627 00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:33,623 that he did every morning to wake himself up. 628 00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,294 This morning, they morphed into the Macarena. 629 00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:41,923 And he would take that Latin energy 630 00:30:42,006 --> 00:30:43,800 straight into the kitchen 631 00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:45,885 where he made his usual breakfast 632 00:30:46,886 --> 00:30:47,887 of… 633 00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:53,685 a room-temperature Michelob. 634 00:30:58,481 --> 00:31:01,317 The fizziness and the carbs 635 00:31:02,068 --> 00:31:04,153 ru-- rush right to his brain. 636 00:31:04,737 --> 00:31:06,573 And suddenly, he had an idea. 637 00:31:07,323 --> 00:31:09,450 An amazing segment that he would do 638 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:11,578 on the Dr. Phil show that day. 639 00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:13,663 He couldn't wait to call his producer 640 00:31:13,746 --> 00:31:16,082 and tell him what this segment would be. 641 00:31:16,165 --> 00:31:17,166 But first… 642 00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:19,127 But first… 643 00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:24,883 …he had to login online 644 00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,677 and see if there were any… 645 00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:35,518 and see if there were any local fetish clubs 646 00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:39,063 that combined… 647 00:31:40,189 --> 00:31:41,816 …both pony play… 648 00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:45,862 and squirting. 649 00:31:48,615 --> 00:31:51,200 Alas, once he hit enter, 650 00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:53,578 there were only 710 hits. 651 00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,374 So, he looked in the mirror 652 00:31:58,958 --> 00:32:00,168 and said, "Dr. Phil, 653 00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:03,171 people need to hear what you have to say." 654 00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:06,758 "People need to hear what you have to give." 655 00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:08,760 "And most of all, 656 00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:11,346 people need the strength 657 00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:14,223 that you put out 658 00:32:14,307 --> 00:32:16,225 in the world." 659 00:32:21,564 --> 00:32:23,566 - Holy shit. That was fuckin'… - Wow. That was… 660 00:32:23,650 --> 00:32:25,193 I almost started crying. I'm not… 661 00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:26,361 - Yeah. - That was un-- 662 00:32:26,444 --> 00:32:27,737 God, you're so good at that. 663 00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:30,031 Thank you. Yeah. I… I do a lot of voiceover. 664 00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,824 - You mentioned trivia. - Uh-oh. 665 00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:33,910 And you're a guy that knows a lot about a lot. 666 00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:34,827 - Okay? - I do. 667 00:32:34,911 --> 00:32:37,246 And one thing I know that you really love is Star Wars. 668 00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:38,539 I do love Star Wars. 669 00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:39,457 I know you do. 670 00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:41,292 - I love Star Wars. - Who else loves Star Wars? 671 00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:43,211 Any Star Wars people? 672 00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:45,129 Well, please welcome George Lucas-- 673 00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:46,756 - I'm just kidding. - Oh. What the-- 674 00:32:46,839 --> 00:32:48,049 Wouldn't that be fuckin' cool? 675 00:32:48,132 --> 00:32:49,884 At this point, that would not surprise me. 676 00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:51,344 - Yeah. - At all. 677 00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:53,179 Now, I want to play a little game 678 00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:55,264 'cause I know you probably know more about Star Wars 679 00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:56,349 than anybody that I know. 680 00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:58,643 I want to test your knowledge in Star Wars. 681 00:32:58,726 --> 00:32:59,644 - Cool? - Okay. 682 00:32:59,727 --> 00:33:00,853 In a little game, uh-- 683 00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:05,525 In a little game we'd like to call "Hey, Patton, what do you know--" 684 00:33:05,608 --> 00:33:07,610 "Do you know this about Star Wars?" 685 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:12,824 - That was fucking 30 bucks well spent. - I'm sorry. That-- 686 00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:15,660 That… That sentence has a theme sting? 687 00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:17,036 - Yeah. - Wow. 688 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:17,996 - All right. - All right. 689 00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:19,247 So first question here. 690 00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:22,709 Uh, where did Obi-Wan take Luke after his birth? 691 00:33:23,501 --> 00:33:25,461 Where did he take Luke after his birth? 692 00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,088 Oh. He took him to Tatooine. 693 00:33:27,171 --> 00:33:28,256 No. The answer's Arby's. 694 00:33:28,339 --> 00:33:29,507 - Now-- - Oh. 695 00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,677 - Oh for one. Uh… Patton… - Goddamn. 696 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:33,845 It's all right. We got more. 697 00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:35,680 Who are Kylo Ren's parents? 698 00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:40,643 Kylo Ren's parents are Han Solo and Princess Leia. 699 00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:43,855 No, it's Ben and Jerry. Uh, now… 700 00:33:43,938 --> 00:33:44,981 These are the facts. 701 00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:47,859 - Wow. - Uh, what is the name of Han Solo's ship? 702 00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:49,861 Oh. The Millennium Falcon. 703 00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:51,988 No. It's the Harrison Ford Fuck Mobile. 704 00:33:52,071 --> 00:33:54,157 Oh man! 705 00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:58,703 Which is also a great name for a Cher cover band. 706 00:33:58,786 --> 00:34:00,288 That would be. Oh wow. 707 00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:01,497 What was, uh… 708 00:34:01,581 --> 00:34:04,417 What-- Where was Yoda's home in his final years? 709 00:34:04,500 --> 00:34:07,295 Oh, um, the swamp planet of Dagobah. 710 00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:09,172 - No. It was Boca Raton, Florida. - Oh. 711 00:34:09,255 --> 00:34:12,884 He was retired with a bunch of hot Jews. 712 00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:14,010 - Damn. - Um… 713 00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:15,970 Uh, who killed Jabba? 714 00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:17,638 Shuffleboard, I'll play. 715 00:34:17,722 --> 00:34:19,265 All right. Sorry. 716 00:34:19,348 --> 00:34:21,059 Um, say it again. 717 00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:23,352 That deserved more laughter. Fuck you, guys. 718 00:34:23,436 --> 00:34:25,229 He did a Yoda. 719 00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:27,565 He did Yoda as an old Jew in Florida. 720 00:34:27,648 --> 00:34:28,775 Exactly. Yeah. 721 00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:32,445 - My man. My man. - Thank you, my friend. 722 00:34:32,528 --> 00:34:34,906 Uh, okay. What species is Chewbacca? 723 00:34:34,989 --> 00:34:36,783 He's a Wookiee. 724 00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:38,159 Okay. 725 00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:39,994 Can you do an impression of a Wookiee? 726 00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:48,920 That is pretty good. 727 00:34:49,003 --> 00:34:49,837 Now, what-- 728 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,298 Can we cut that? I don't want people seeing my O face. 729 00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:56,344 That's just for my wife. 730 00:34:56,427 --> 00:34:57,720 - Yeah. - All right. 731 00:34:57,804 --> 00:34:59,097 - You're a good man. - Okay. 732 00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:00,515 Now, do you make that-- 733 00:35:00,598 --> 00:35:02,433 Do you make that noise when it's happenin'? 734 00:35:02,517 --> 00:35:05,228 Uh, I make that noise when I'm ramping up to it. 735 00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:07,688 Yeah. 736 00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:10,858 - Yeah, mine's pretty standard. - Yeah? What is… What's yours? 737 00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:12,610 Aah! 738 00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:16,614 I'm sorry. 739 00:35:16,697 --> 00:35:18,449 Are you surprised when you cum? 740 00:35:21,202 --> 00:35:23,454 Does it creep up on you? 741 00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:24,455 Man. 742 00:35:24,539 --> 00:35:26,374 Yeah, it's… 743 00:35:26,457 --> 00:35:28,459 I'm not with my wife. I'm just having breakfast. 744 00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:30,545 - Oh, okay. - Guys, Patton Oswalt. 745 00:35:30,628 --> 00:35:32,839 - Let him hear it. The great Patton Oswalt. - Thank you. 746 00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:35,007 You're a legend. You're a living legend. 747 00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:36,717 - I love you for being here. - Thank you. 748 00:35:36,801 --> 00:35:39,011 One more time for Patton Oswalt. Let him hear it. 749 00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,561 There he goes. The great Patton Oswalt. 750 00:35:46,644 --> 00:35:50,064 The great Patton Oswalt coming out for a couple of chuckles. 751 00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:52,358 A couple of handshakes. Maybe a shoe. 752 00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:53,860 I ordered something earlier. 753 00:35:53,943 --> 00:35:54,777 Delivery. 754 00:35:54,861 --> 00:35:57,071 Great. Okay. I ordered some Grubhub. 755 00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:00,324 Holy shit, it's Joe Gatto from Impractical Jokers. 756 00:36:00,408 --> 00:36:02,410 Oh my God. 757 00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:09,792 Hey. 758 00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,961 What's up, y'all? How are you? 759 00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:13,838 - Um, this is-- - Are you… You're Ph… 760 00:36:13,921 --> 00:36:15,464 - You're Phil? - Yeah. 761 00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:18,092 Yeah, I'm, uh… You're Grubhub? 762 00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:19,844 - Yeah, Grubhub. - Oh, okay. 763 00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:21,470 This is my one single meatball? 764 00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,014 That's what you ordered. 765 00:36:23,097 --> 00:36:25,683 How about this, Eric? How about I'll tip Joe out, 766 00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:28,019 but you gotta let him feed you the meatball. 767 00:36:28,102 --> 00:36:29,937 Yeah. Yeah? 768 00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,899 I think this is all gonna go the way we all think it will. 769 00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:42,950 Guys, keep it goin' for Joe Gatto, everybody. 770 00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:45,328 That's a great guy with a great plan 771 00:36:45,411 --> 00:36:47,455 and a new special on YouTube right now. 772 00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:49,832 One more time for Joe Gatto. There he goes… 773 00:36:49,916 --> 00:36:51,542 …off into the world. 774 00:36:52,293 --> 00:36:54,003 Making friends one at a time. 775 00:36:54,086 --> 00:36:55,546 You guys ready for more show? 776 00:36:55,630 --> 00:36:57,590 I'm gonna keep this fuckin' train movin'. 777 00:36:58,090 --> 00:37:00,092 Your next guest, you know him from TV shows 778 00:37:00,176 --> 00:37:01,719 like White Famous and The Masked Singer. 779 00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:05,139 Movies like Spinning Gold, Ride Along, uh, and Resort to Love. 780 00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:07,475 He helped us feel better about ourselves, 781 00:37:07,558 --> 00:37:10,561 making us laugh on Saturday Night Live for six years. 782 00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,188 And now he's here live in the flesh, 783 00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:14,273 with a new stand-up special and a lot of fun to give. 784 00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:16,692 Ladies and gentlemen, on Dr. Phil Live for the first time, 785 00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:20,279 give it up for Jay Pharoah! 786 00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:38,756 Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Jay Pharoah. 787 00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:41,008 Let him hear it. Here he is. 788 00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:43,052 Making us feel better about ourselves. 789 00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:44,804 {\an8}- Goddamn. Look at you. Wow. 790 00:37:44,887 --> 00:37:46,722 {\an8}Look at that coat. I wish I had the confidence 791 00:37:46,806 --> 00:37:48,099 to wear a fuckin' coat like that. 792 00:37:48,182 --> 00:37:49,183 Yeah, me too. 793 00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:52,353 I have the confidence to wear my seven-year-old nephew's clothes. 794 00:37:52,436 --> 00:37:53,562 Hell yeah! 795 00:37:53,646 --> 00:37:55,523 You got all these fans that submitted questions. 796 00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:57,900 But you got one big fan live in the flesh. 797 00:37:57,984 --> 00:37:59,151 And before we get out of here, 798 00:37:59,235 --> 00:38:00,444 I told him. He wrote to me 799 00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,405 and he said, "I'm a big fan of Jay Pharoah." 800 00:38:02,488 --> 00:38:04,532 - He's an actor here in Hollywood. - Oh wow. 801 00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:07,243 He's been typecasted in dramas only. 802 00:38:07,326 --> 00:38:08,828 And he's tryin' to kinda switch over, 803 00:38:08,911 --> 00:38:11,330 transition into a lighter, more fun-filled, 804 00:38:11,414 --> 00:38:12,748 maybe rom-com type situation. 805 00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:14,166 - Okay. - So I told him to come out. 806 00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:15,584 Maybe we can give him some advice. 807 00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:18,462 Maybe we can coach him through on how he's dealing with the business. 808 00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:21,257 And maybe we can get him in the right direction towards success. 809 00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:22,383 Are you guys ready for him? 810 00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:24,385 Can I bring one more special guest on the show? 811 00:38:24,468 --> 00:38:25,636 Yeah! 812 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:29,348 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from The Lord of the Rings II and III… 813 00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:30,850 Gollum, ladies and gentlemen. 814 00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:35,354 What the fuck?! 815 00:38:42,862 --> 00:38:44,155 Ey, ey… 816 00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:47,950 This is a… This is a six-foot Hobbit. 817 00:38:48,034 --> 00:38:49,535 That's crazy. 818 00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:52,204 He… 819 00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:54,040 Holy shit. 820 00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:01,130 Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Gollum. 821 00:39:01,213 --> 00:39:03,090 - He's here-- - Fucking Gollum. 822 00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:06,427 Dear fucking Christ! 823 00:39:06,510 --> 00:39:09,555 My precious! 824 00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:11,807 - Hi. - Okay. 825 00:39:11,891 --> 00:39:14,685 Now, when I was told there was an actor 826 00:39:14,769 --> 00:39:17,063 that was wanting some advice, I didn't… 827 00:39:17,146 --> 00:39:19,899 I thought it was gonna be like, I don't know, Greg Kinnear or something. 828 00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:23,110 Uh, what's up, Gollum? 829 00:39:23,194 --> 00:39:24,320 Oh shit. You… 830 00:39:24,403 --> 00:39:26,197 If you fucking shit on my stage, 831 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,199 I'm gonna be real mad about it. 832 00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,201 I wanna do the rom-com. 833 00:39:30,284 --> 00:39:32,661 I wanna… I wanna try different things. 834 00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:34,663 You wanna do rom-coms? 835 00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:37,208 You wanna do rom-coms? 836 00:39:37,708 --> 00:39:40,795 You think you're getting stuck? You're getting pigeonholed in dramas? 837 00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:42,338 I think so. 838 00:39:42,421 --> 00:39:44,298 Gollum, Gollum, Gollum. 839 00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:48,386 - What the fuck is goin' on right now? - I have no clue. Um… 840 00:39:48,469 --> 00:39:50,679 I've been told that you got two personalities. 841 00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:51,931 - Is that true? - No. 842 00:39:52,014 --> 00:39:53,682 Yes. 843 00:39:54,683 --> 00:39:55,935 Well, how about this, Gollum? 844 00:39:56,018 --> 00:39:59,271 How about we give you a shot, okay, to be in a real life movie? 845 00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:00,314 Yeah, let's do it. 846 00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:04,110 I think it's only fair that we give this guy a shot 847 00:40:04,193 --> 00:40:06,153 to really, uh, see his dreams through. 848 00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:07,822 Life is about throwing darts, 849 00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,323 and sometimes they don't stick, 850 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,200 but sometimes just got through a bigger dart. 851 00:40:11,283 --> 00:40:12,952 So, how about this? Uh, I'm gonna… 852 00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:16,664 Uh, Stephen, hit me with some rom-com trailer music. 853 00:40:16,747 --> 00:40:17,706 And how about this, Jay? 854 00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:19,834 I'm gonna narrate a trailer 855 00:40:19,917 --> 00:40:22,503 for a movie that Gollum will star in. 856 00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:23,546 - Okay? - Okay. All right. 857 00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:26,006 Let's say he's playing the woman in a rom-com, 858 00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:28,050 and I'll pepper it in with guest stars 859 00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:31,846 and I'll set you up for some impressions to kinda fill out the movie. Sound good? 860 00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:33,305 - Yep. Let's go. - Okay, great. 861 00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:37,268 This summer… 862 00:40:39,145 --> 00:40:42,982 Cindy Daniels was a successful New York businesswoman. 863 00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:44,692 She had a cool family, 864 00:40:44,775 --> 00:40:46,652 a dog, a fish, 865 00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:48,154 a high-rise apartment. 866 00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:51,031 But the only thing she didn't have was love. 867 00:40:52,324 --> 00:40:54,577 I just need a little bit of love. 868 00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:56,036 Please? 869 00:40:57,705 --> 00:40:59,915 Everywhere she went, people were like, 870 00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:01,417 "What the fuck is that?" 871 00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:06,797 Bars, gyms, rooftop barbecues, 872 00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:09,675 all she wanted to do was make a little small talk, 873 00:41:09,758 --> 00:41:11,927 but the men had different ideas. 874 00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:14,096 Like Ben, her boss. 875 00:41:14,180 --> 00:41:17,266 Played by fuckin' Denzel Washington. 876 00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:21,729 Um… 877 00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:26,692 This ain't gonna happen. Okay? 878 00:41:28,194 --> 00:41:29,945 She got fired upon arrival, 879 00:41:30,029 --> 00:41:31,447 her first day at work. 880 00:41:31,530 --> 00:41:34,241 So Cindy did what any New Yorker would do. 881 00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:37,119 She went online and matched with a new guy 882 00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,246 who just moved into town as well. 883 00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:42,458 Rob. Played by Eddie Murphy. 884 00:41:43,751 --> 00:41:44,877 Hey! 885 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:46,462 Now, I've never tried this before, 886 00:41:46,545 --> 00:41:49,507 but I'm… I'm certainly interested. 887 00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:55,888 - Will you give me a shot? - I'll give you a whole bunch of shots. 888 00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:57,139 What the hell you want? 889 00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:02,686 Rob and Cindy found love in the most unex-- 890 00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:03,729 What are you doing? 891 00:42:03,812 --> 00:42:05,648 - Rob and Cindy… - He's twerking. 892 00:42:05,731 --> 00:42:09,401 …they went to an all-night rave in Brooklyn 893 00:42:09,985 --> 00:42:12,071 where they met Rob's brother. 894 00:42:12,154 --> 00:42:14,740 Played by Jay-Z. 895 00:42:16,283 --> 00:42:18,786 Rob's brother was the DJ at the nightclub 896 00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:21,163 where Cindy and Rob hit it off. 897 00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:23,457 Yeah. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. 898 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,960 Yo. Hey, yo, hold on one second. 899 00:42:26,043 --> 00:42:28,921 Is that, um… Is that Dobby from Harry Potter? 900 00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:33,342 Shit. Keep the music going! 901 00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:37,346 I would like to give you a BJ. 902 00:42:37,429 --> 00:42:38,305 Oh, yeah. 903 00:42:38,889 --> 00:42:41,559 Hey, you know, chill out. Chill out, yeah. 904 00:42:41,642 --> 00:42:43,936 You know, Beyoncé is… She'll kill me. 905 00:42:44,019 --> 00:42:45,312 Yeah. 906 00:42:45,396 --> 00:42:46,772 Things took a turn that night, 907 00:42:46,855 --> 00:42:49,275 and Cindy tried to blow Rob and his brother 908 00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:50,609 at the DJ booth. 909 00:42:50,693 --> 00:42:51,735 What the fuck? 910 00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:53,612 She got kicked out of the club. 911 00:42:53,696 --> 00:42:56,907 And went… And went down the street 912 00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:58,659 dancing like nothin' was wrong. 913 00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:00,911 And that's where she met a homeless man. 914 00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:04,331 Played by fuckin' Donald Trump. 915 00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:09,295 And the homeless man gave her advice that she was desperately in search of. 916 00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:12,172 Listen, I don't know what's happening. 917 00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:19,430 But I'd like to say to everybody out there, 918 00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:22,224 they're eating your cats and your dogs. 919 00:43:22,308 --> 00:43:24,643 They're eating them. 920 00:43:26,270 --> 00:43:27,855 And I guess… I don't know what you are. 921 00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:30,524 You'll probably get eaten too. 922 00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:33,319 I would like to eat a cat and a dog with you, 923 00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:35,988 and I'll let you eat my cat. 924 00:43:36,071 --> 00:43:37,865 See, this is what happens 925 00:43:37,948 --> 00:43:40,409 when the borders aren't controlled. 926 00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:44,747 The homeless guy had some sound advice. 927 00:43:44,830 --> 00:43:46,498 So Cindy went home that night 928 00:43:46,582 --> 00:43:49,168 and thought long and hard about who she wanted to end up with. 929 00:43:49,251 --> 00:43:52,588 And that's when she got a knock at her door. 930 00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:55,883 It was her… her Uber Eats delivery driver. 931 00:43:55,966 --> 00:43:57,718 Played by 50 Cent. 932 00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:00,721 Hey, um… Hey, yo, you know… 933 00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:02,598 Here's the… Here's the thing, like… 934 00:44:03,140 --> 00:44:05,392 You know, you could… You scaring the fuck out of me, 935 00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:07,019 so you don't even have to pay for this. 936 00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:08,937 It's yours, nigga. 937 00:44:11,315 --> 00:44:13,525 So, Cindy… 938 00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:18,280 Cindy squashed two turkey paninis back to back, 939 00:44:18,781 --> 00:44:21,617 and thought to herself, "How could life get any worse?" 940 00:44:22,159 --> 00:44:25,704 So she took a couple of ZzzQuil gummies and had a dream. 941 00:44:25,788 --> 00:44:28,499 And she was met in that dream by a guardian angel 942 00:44:28,582 --> 00:44:31,585 who showed her exactly what her next move should be. 943 00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:34,338 And that angel was played by Chris Rock. 944 00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:37,800 Wait. Hold on, baby. Chris couldn't show up, 945 00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:40,552 so, uh, I decided to come instead. 946 00:44:41,053 --> 00:44:42,721 I hope you don't mind, my nigga. 947 00:44:43,305 --> 00:44:44,556 But I'd like to say this. 948 00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,351 Um, you gonna die some day, baby. Ow! 949 00:44:48,644 --> 00:44:51,605 The angel was played by Dave Chappelle, I think. 950 00:44:53,190 --> 00:44:55,943 That's what I was doing whatever the fuck I said… 951 00:44:56,026 --> 00:44:57,695 Gollum walks out of his apartment 952 00:44:57,778 --> 00:44:59,947 and is met by a man with a business plan. 953 00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:03,283 A businessman played by Robert Downey Jr. 954 00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,703 Look, I've been watching you from afar. 955 00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:06,829 Watching what you're doing. 956 00:45:06,912 --> 00:45:08,580 What you're doing is very admirable. 957 00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,332 I'd like to offer you a five-year plan. 958 00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:11,542 I'd like you to work for me. 959 00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:14,128 I'm an agent for OnlyFans. I think you could be our first client. 960 00:45:14,211 --> 00:45:17,172 You could do it live. You're already showing some back, some toes and knees-- 961 00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:18,465 Hey, hold on, Pepper. 962 00:45:18,549 --> 00:45:20,759 Because there's a couple of things we can talk about, bro. 963 00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:22,094 Like, you know… 964 00:45:22,177 --> 00:45:25,139 I mean, maybe he can work for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, 965 00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:27,141 but, you know, be a billionaire philanthropist, 966 00:45:27,224 --> 00:45:29,226 but I mean, right now, he's just Sméagol. 967 00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:31,437 So, yeah, we gotta just take it at face value. 968 00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:32,438 That's all. Yeah. 969 00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,148 Cindy thought she wasn't gonna have a job, 970 00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:37,943 but turns out she was hired by both Black and white Robert Downey, Jr. 971 00:45:39,027 --> 00:45:41,113 This film has not been-- yet been rated. 972 00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:42,781 Keep it goin' for Gollum, everybody! 973 00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:44,533 Holy shit. He finally did it. 974 00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:46,201 Congratulations, Gollum. 975 00:45:46,285 --> 00:45:48,746 You just were in your first feature film. 976 00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:50,539 Jay, thanks for support-- 977 00:45:50,622 --> 00:45:51,582 What are you doing? 978 00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:53,792 - Oh my God. Oh my God. - What the f-- 979 00:45:53,876 --> 00:45:56,545 Oh my God. No. No. What is that? 980 00:45:56,628 --> 00:46:00,215 - What the fuck? What are you doing? - Yo. That's a real fucking fish. 981 00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:02,968 That's a real fish. What are you doing? What's this? 982 00:46:03,051 --> 00:46:04,511 - He's being-- - Okay. 983 00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:06,346 Hey, what did I tell you about bringing a fish 984 00:46:06,430 --> 00:46:08,140 on the live stage of The Comedy Store? 985 00:46:08,223 --> 00:46:09,183 What did I tell you? 986 00:46:09,266 --> 00:46:12,478 I said, one thing you can't do was eat a fish in front of Jay Pharoah. 987 00:46:12,561 --> 00:46:13,687 That's what I told you. 988 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,439 Wait. 989 00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:19,067 Shut the fuck up, Jay, if you know what's good for you. 990 00:46:19,151 --> 00:46:21,361 - Okay. - Chuck E. Cheese. 991 00:46:28,243 --> 00:46:31,872 ♪ Rock and pool Is nice and cool ♪ 992 00:46:33,707 --> 00:46:35,793 ♪ So juicy sweet! ♪ 993 00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:41,757 And stay down. 994 00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,801 You can't… Shut the fuck up, Jay. 995 00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:46,804 I'm sorry you guys had to see that. 996 00:46:48,305 --> 00:46:51,225 But I'm not sorry you guys had to feel that. 997 00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:52,267 Whoo! 998 00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:54,645 Did you guys have a good time tonight? 999 00:46:56,522 --> 00:46:57,815 I need to hear you one more time. 1000 00:46:57,898 --> 00:47:00,692 Did you guys have a good time here at The World Famous Comedy Store? 1001 00:47:00,776 --> 00:47:03,195 One more time for Jay Pharoah, Patton Oswalt, 1002 00:47:03,278 --> 00:47:05,948 Fahim Anwar, Jeremiah Watkins, Dr. Phil. 1003 00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:08,659 Robin, don't go to bed. I got a Mac and Cheese portable in the car. 1004 00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:10,327 Good night, everybody! 1005 00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,671 {\an8} 1006 00:47:30,013 --> 00:47:31,557 {\an8} 1007 00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:33,642 {\an8} 1008 00:47:43,068 --> 00:47:45,070 {\an8} 1009 00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:58,834 {\an8} 1010 00:47:58,917 --> 00:48:00,919 {\an8} 1011 00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:02,045 {\an8}Hey, come on. 1012 00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:05,007 {\an8}I gotta see this. 1013 00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:08,594 {\an8}Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! 1014 00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:10,804 {\an8} 1015 00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:12,306 {\an8} 1016 00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:15,392 {\an8}Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. 1017 00:48:15,475 --> 00:48:17,603 {\an8}Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable. 1018 00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:19,229 {\an8}Unbelievable. Unbelievable. 1019 00:48:19,313 --> 00:48:20,647 {\an8}- Dude, you had fun? Oh yeah. 1020 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,107 {\an8} 1021 00:48:22,190 --> 00:48:25,861 {\an8} 1022 00:48:25,944 --> 00:48:27,112 {\an8}This is wild. 1023 00:48:27,195 --> 00:48:29,323 {\an8}You told me you had the night off. 1024 00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:30,991 {\an8} 1025 00:48:31,074 --> 00:48:33,911 {\an8}- We're gonna have some fun with it. That would be an honor, dude. 1026 00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:36,580 {\an8}Guys, keep it goin' for Jen who does my make-up all the time. 1027 00:48:36,663 --> 00:48:39,041 {\an8}- She's a legend. 1028 00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:40,459 {\an8}- Aww. Thank you. 1029 00:48:41,043 --> 00:48:42,920 {\an8}Yeah! My mom, everybody. 1030 00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:45,005 {\an8} 1031 00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:47,174 {\an8}- Oh! Sarah, Janie… Hi, Mom. 1032 00:48:47,799 --> 00:48:49,801 {\an8}To my mom, for pushing me out. 1033 00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:52,137 {\an8} 1034 00:48:52,220 --> 00:48:55,265 {\an8}Uh, to Jeremiah for fucking delivering every time. 1035 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,142 {\an8} 1036 00:48:57,225 --> 00:48:58,310 {\an8}Yeah! 1037 00:48:58,393 --> 00:49:01,188 {\an8}Uh, to my beautiful wife for always supporting every-- 1038 00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:03,607 {\an8} 1039 00:49:03,690 --> 00:49:06,276 {\an8}Uh, to my best bud Norman for fucking making life easier. 1040 00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:08,362 {\an8} 1041 00:49:08,904 --> 00:49:10,322 {\an8}Uh, you guys… 1042 00:49:10,405 --> 00:49:11,990 {\an8}I mean, I just… Uh, so fun. 1043 00:49:12,074 --> 00:49:13,784 {\an8}None of this is, uh, worth doing 1044 00:49:13,867 --> 00:49:17,287 {\an8}if we… if we don't have cool people to celebrate, and hang, and share it with. 1045 00:49:18,246 --> 00:49:19,456 {\an8}Thank fucking God. 1046 00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,792 {\an8}No lawsuit. 73260

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