All language subtitles for Last Man Standing S09E12 Midwife Cris Sub_Subtitles02.ENG

Excited about the food fair?

Honey, bourbon, sausage--

three great ingredients
on their own,

but together, it's like
the-the Reagan of meats.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.

I got to take a rain check.

What do you mean, a rain check?

We've been planning this
for weeks.

I've been fasting.
You know...

Well, for not that long.

I know, but I don't want
to take Sarah away.

She's having too much fun
in the sandbox right now.

Oh, oh, sweetheart, um,

n-no sand in the shoes.

Y...

You put the sand
in the shoes. Okay.

What do you mean? I thought Kris
was going to watch her.

Uh, Sarah and Evelyn are taking
some time apart from each other.

What, are they seeing
other babies?

Evelyn has become really bossy,
and it's really annoying.

What's going on?

You don't want to hear
about my problems.

I don't want to hear
about anybody's problems,

but d-d-damn it, you're my kid.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah. Uh...

Listen,
I'll-I'll text the sausage guy.

I don't want him worrying.

Well, every game the girls play,
Evelyn has to be the leader.

If they're playing Moana,
Evelyn is always Moana.

If they're playing Frozen,
Evelyn's always Elsa.

Right, I get it.

'Cause when we play Toy Story
I gotta be Woody.

Even when they pretend
Floor Is Lava,

Kristin's always in charge
of the countdown.

You mean Evelyn.

Yeah, that's what I said.
Evelyn.

She's always bossing
Sarah around.

Which is not uncommon
for the older one.

-It's like Kris
used to do to you.
-Exactly.

So the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.

You and your old-timey sayings.

Shouldn't you be whittling?

Let me put it
so you'll understand it.

You're just pissed because

Kris used to do the same thing
to you, dawg.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, my God, that's totally
what's happening.

By the way, you did
the same thing to Eve.

Yeah, I don't care if I did it,
okay?

I don't like it when
Kristin does it.

And I don't want Sarah to have
to go through the same thing.

It's always bad to be bossy.

Yeah, so bad.

-Always.
-Always.

Where are you going with this?

Give me a minute.

Let me, um,
let me set the scene here,

-all right?
-Okay.

So it was, um,
during the pandemic.

Ugh, oh, boy,
you and Kyle had just got those

new air filtration
space helmets.

Hey, those helmets were better
than the masks.

-Were they?
-Yeah. People were depressed.

They needed to see this.

Anyhow, you guys barged
into the office

and I thought
it was being invaded

by really goofy space aliens.

I'm sorry, if you want me
to take you to my leader,

you're looking at him.

Dad, we have a problem.

Condensation?

No. That's not it.

Well-- well, it kind of is,
but not at the moment.

We just got off the phone
with our OB.

And because of COVID,

there are all these new and
stupid rules at the hospital.

Well, the hospital is a perfect
place for stupid rules.

Otherwise, it's just
a well-lit building

with a bunch of half-naked
people walking around

who are kind of sick.

That's the problem.
What if our baby gets sick?

Or one of us?
It's getting really scary.

-Okay. All right.
-Yeah. What do you think
we should do?

I think you should calm down.

I think everything's
gonna be fine.

Somehow, when you say it,

I believe it.

You might want to check
with another family member

who had a baby
during a pandemic.

Oh! Kristin had Evelyn

right at the beginning
of the pandemic.

We should've just talked
to her first.

No, it's good to come to me.

I know a lot
about a lot of things--

parenting, tank warfare,
Steve McQueen movies...

Whoa, easy, Dad.
Nobody likes a know-it-all.

...motorcycles,
Don Knotts movies,

why Don Lemon wears
that weird outfit.

-Hey.
-Stop!

Okay, you're negative.
Come on in.

It may be a pain in the ass
getting tested all the time,

but it's worth it.

And the nurse says I have
the nostrils of a 20-year-old.

Finally picked
this thing up.

Only took me three hours.
Curbside.

It's not like I made
an appointment or anything.

Well, it's for a good cause.

Mandy and Kyle's baby gift.

Hey, I thought you were
going to let me

put a few bucks in on this, Ed.

Oh, come on...
-Unless you think I already did.

In which case,
I'm glad I contributed.

It doesn't matter
who paid for it.

We agreed it would come
from all of us.

-Just like we bought
for you guys.
-Yeah.

Oh, actually,
this is the Rock-A-Tot Two.

So it's got even
more features than ours.

I mean, you can control
this sucker

from, like, two blocks away
with your phone.

Oh. They don't recommend that,
though.

Uh, Ryan, would you please
just load that in my car

and I'll drive it over later?

Yeah. So glad I dragged it
all the way upstairs.

Oh, come on, stop.

Hey, um, why don't we, uh,
put it together for them

before we take it over?

I mean, they're going
to have a new baby.

They don't have time
to build furniture.

-They're not Amish.
-Mm.

Good. Good, then it's settled.

-We build it.
Right.

-And by "we," I mean you two.

No problem.

I rebuilt a 1970 Plymouth
Barracuda last week.

I think I can handle a crib.

And I replaced the batteries
in the remote control.

So I guess
we are both pretty handy.

Yeah.
We'll knock this out over lunch.

Oh, that's perfect.

But I'm available
if-if you need me.

Just... don't need me.

-Okay. All right.
-All right.

Let's see what
we are dealing with here.

-Hold that part right there...
-Doesn't look too bad.

...and I will...

Oh, hell no.

You know,
it just breaks my heart

to hear how scared
our little girl is.

How scared our little girl was.

Yeah. Well, hopefully,
Kristin can calm her down.

That was a good idea, honey.

Yeah. I wonder what it's like
to have a bad idea.

I mean,
having no frame of reference,

it's just difficult
to know that.

It just, it kills me
that I am not going to be

in the room with Mandy
when she gives birth.

Well, the hospital's the right
place to do it. They're...

-they're taking the necessary
precautions, honey.
-Yeah.

You know, I...
I do have a PhD.

What-what if I tell them
I'm a doctor?

Vanessa.

I just want to be with her.

You know, just pat her arm
when she's nervous,

tell her she's doing great,

or just... just brush her hair.

Damn it, that's what you do
to me when I'm drunk.

-Hello, parents.
-Hey, guys.

Hi. How's it going, hon?

-Hi.
-Good. I am,
I am feeling much better.

And Kris has been so amazing.

She helped me realize

that I can have
a safe and natural birth.

Well, that's great,
since Kris helped you do that,

but I helped you figure out
Kris was the right person.

So who's the real hero? Really?

Says the only one in the room

who will never push a head
through a cervix.

Mandy hasn't, either... yet.

-Sorry.
-Sorry. You know what, honey?

I'm sure the hospital will
do everything they can

to make you feel comfortable.

Well, I-I'm not going to have
the baby at the hospital.

I'm gonna have a home birth.

Huh. Wow, that's...

that's awfully generous
of Kristin and Ryan.

Well, no, Dad,

I'm...
I'm gonna give birth here.

I-Is it too late
for me to suggest

you might wait
to have this child?

So you're gonna give birth
at home?

This home?
I mean, our hom--

I mean, my home?

-Home births are
completely safe.

And lots of couples
are doing them.

And for thousands of years,

nobody ever gave birth
in a hospital.

They also didn't have
motor vehicles.

Why don't you just pop one out
in a pickup truck?

No, we... we are here
for you, honey.

This, uh-- It's gonna be
the best home birth ever.

Thank you, Mom.

Oh, this is so cool.

Mandy will be able
to manage her birth plan,

and the whole family
will get to be there.

Oh, I love this.

You know, we-we can
use the photo

for the Christmas newsletter.

What? Christmas is not
about the birth of a baby.

It's the perfect solution, okay?

Hospitals aren't allowing
visitors these days,

but this way we get
to all be together.

Why don't we just do it
at a hotel?

The mattresses couldn't
get any worse.

-Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
-Oh, yeah. Mwah.

-I love you.
-Love you. Bye.
-Okay.

Let's go e-mail that midwife.
We want to book her

before some other preggo
gets your spot.

We-We're not gonna even look
at other options?

What if we rent an RV?

Wait a minute,
I own a tent store.

Okay, wait, wait. Wait.

You-you need to be
a good father, okay,

and support your daughter when
she needs her mother the most.

If she was gonna have the baby
in the hospital,

then I wouldn't get to be there,
and now I will.

But why-why does everybody
want to be at a birth?

I mean, it's just a birthday
without the cake

-and the presents.
-I know.

Mandy wants this.

So do I, and you,

you are gonna be
fully supportive.

-Okay?
-I can't. Can't.

I don't have a cervix.

It still doesn't fit.

See, you have to line up
part D with the other part D.

-Yes, I know that, Chuck.
-Uh-huh.

Your method of saying it
over and over again

-doesn't seem to be helping.
-Hey, man.

Hey, man, you want to try
to make sense out of this?

-I can barely read it.
-Well, yeah.

That's 'cause you won't
wear your glasses,

which is a little vain.

-I'll wear my glasses.
-Okay.

I am not vain.

-It's not gonna make
a difference.
-Mm-hmm.

It's still gonna be a...

Oh, that's a "B," not a "D."

-My bad.
-Will you just give me
the instructions, please?

-No, no, I got
the instructions now.
-Chuck.

I got the glasses.
I can see now.

I thought this thing
would be built by now.

-I mean, didn't you read
the instructions?

Yes, Ed.
We read the instructions.

Ryan isn't much of a builder.

-Oh, me?
-Yeah, you.

What ever happened to Mister...

"I rebuilt a '70 Barracuda"?

This is way more complicated

than the one we built
for Evelyn.

I mean, it's got,
uh, touch screen, Wi-Fi.

She's an infant.

She's sitting in her own poop.

I'm sorry, I just...
I just don't get it.

I slept in a dresser drawer
till I was three.

How did you breathe?

It wasn't closed.

Unless my parents
were having a party.

Well, don't worry, Ed.
We'll... we'll-we'll get this.

Yeah, all we have to do is, uh,
install the second motor

-and the rocker arm.
-Yeah.

All right, I guess
I'll get tested again.

Clear out the old nostrils.

It beats blowing your nose.

So, we had a great
virtual meeting with Sunshine,

the midwife Kris found.

Sunshine?
What do they call her at night?

Oh. Moonbeam.

She said that Mandy was
the perfect candidate

for home birth, and she's, like,
the most soothing human being

I have ever met.

Oh, yeah.
She put me right at ease.

And I know this isn't
the most modern thing to say,

but I wouldn't have been
as comfortable

with a mid-husband.

Well, this is great, guys.

And you know what, we are
a hundred percent supportive.

-Right, Mike?
-Oh, yeah, I'm really into it.

I'm actually thinking
of using the house

for other medical procedures.

Using that big old garden hose
out front

for my next colonoscopy.

So, tell us more.
How's this gonna work?

-Well, I guess you put a GoPro
on the nozzle, then...
-Kyle!

No, no, no. Honey, I think she's
talking about the home birth.

It's very important

to keep the energy
around the birth nice and calm.

Sunshine has some

Enya, harp solos, Kenny G.

-Oh.
-I thought she wanted
the baby to come out.

Uh, and I'm gonna have
a natural birth,

-so no drugs.
Mm-hmm.

You will be fine.
I didn't have any drugs, either.

I just dug my nails
into your father's forearm.

Yep, and I still have the...

Eve, Mandy and Kris.

I was hoping one day
you guys would sign them.

And to help Mandy relax,
she'll spend most of the labor

in a shallow blow-up pool.

Yeah, you're gonna look
beautiful,

-like a big, pregnant mermaid.
-Oh, I love that.

Fishy kiss.

And then,
and then when it's time to push,

we're gonna wrap her up
in warm towels

-and move her to the bed.
-Yeah. Sunshine said we...

we should find the biggest, most
comfortable bed in the house.

Ha! That'd be the m...
the-the master bed?

-You-You're gonna do this
in our bed?
-Yes!

Of course, of course our bed.

Our granddaughter's
gonna be born in our bed.

-Oh, it's such an honor.
-Oh, it's an honor

to break water in the bed
but not wind?

Okay.

Thank you guys
for letting us do this.

It feels so much better
than going to a hospital.

No, honey, this is fantastic.
You guys, you're gonna have

this beautiful experience
in our home,

a-and you'll be surrounded
by everybody who loves you.

Oh, uh, not quite everyone.

Uh,
only two people are allowed

in the actual birthing room.

Oh. Well, you know,
that's smart.

I mean, safety should be
the first consideration,

and really, really,
you only need two.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be
the birth coach.

Perfect, since I
already have the whistle.

Well, just don't blow
that whistle in my ear.

Well, you won't have to worry
about that,

because the other person
in the room is gonna be Kris.

-Wait, hold on a minute.
Mandy, wait a second. Wait...
-What?

Wait, no, wait, no, let her...
let her finish.

Yeah. She just had a baby,
and...

and she's been helping me
so much, and I...

I can't imagine doing this
without my sister.

I love you so much! Oh!

Oh, boy. Somebody
better blow up that pool,

'cause I'm about to fill it
with tears.

Uh, M-Mom, are-are...

-are you okay with this?
-Oh. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Are you sure?

Okay. Uh, great.

Let's go to Dad's closet and
find a belt for you to bite on.

-I love you both so much.
-Yes, yes.

-Love you. Yep, yep.
-Yeah. That's great.

Hey, hey, I'm proud of you.

You said you'd support her
and you did...

I think you actually drew
a little blood.

All right, here.

Whew! I can't believe
it's finally done.

Don't tell Ed, but that's the
hardest I've worked in years.

I'm sorry I got snippy with you.

I had caffeine a few days ago,

-and it's still buzzing
around the old dome.
-Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm sorry
I called you all those names.

It was just in my head,
but I still feel bad.

All right,
let's try this thing out.

-Okay.
-Voice activation is on.

-Yeah.
-Rock-A-Tot, rock.

Let me try.

Rock-A-Tot, rock.

Rock-A-Tot, rock.

What the hell?

What kind of Rock-A-Tot
doesn't rock?

-Oh, whoa, whoa, hey,
there we go.
-Oh, hey.

-Oh, that's nice.
-Okay. That is nice.

-Yeah, that's very nice.
-Okay. All right.

-Uh, uh...
-Whoa.

That's how
the robot uprising begins.

-Uh, Rock-A-Tot, stop!

Rock-A-Tot, calm the hell down!

-Do something!
-Well, I can't...

-I don't know what to do.
-You...

You, get on the other...

First... Okay, get this...

Maybe there's a-a cross...

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Okay, Rock...

-We killed it.
-Yeah.

All right. No baby
should ever be in one of those,

unless it gets a trophy for
staying on for eight seconds.

Gentlemen.

I'm sorry, Ed.

I saw the horror.

I think I have something
that might help.

-Excuse me. Here you go.
-Oh.

Now, it won't win
any tech awards,

but I was drawn
to the simplicity.

Oh, it's just a basinet.

Mm-hmm.

No touch screen, no Wi-Fi.

No demonic possession.

We can return this damn machine

and give the cash
to Kyle and Mandy.

-Yeah.
-That is a great idea.

They are gonna love this.

In this thing,
she'll sleep like a rock.

Mm.

Oh, why'd you say that, Ed?

It's not even plugged in!

Go back to hell
where you came from!

-Hey.
-Hi.

Got you a little gift.

Oh, thank you.

Gosh, what do you get
the woman who has everything

except a place in the room where
her daughter's giving birth?

It's, uh, merlot.

We can enjoy this bottle
when Mandy and Kris

and the witch doctor
are done destroying our bedroom.

I know you're just trying
to make me feel better.

Yeah, I'm
the worst husband ever.

You know what, honey,
don't patronize me.

-What?
-As the mother,
I really should be in there.

the father and then the mother

and then-- who gives a crap,
because I would be in there.

You know what I think?

I think you and the merlot need
to breathe.

No, look, I was there
when Kristin had her babies.

I kept her calm, I soothed her
when she was nervous,

and I should be there
for Mandy, too.

You know, well,
I think Kris is doing

a lot of that stuff for Mandy.

Mandy feels, uh,
protected when Kris is there.

Yeah, but I would protect her.

You know what, you're
better at the loving support.

Kris-- she's more like a...

like a biker.

Well, she has made her decision,

and I just have to live
with it, so...

Do you have to live with it?

-I mean, you can
keep it all inside, or...
-I know, I know.

Mom? Dad?
In here.

Hey, uh, do you guys mind

if I take some pictures
of your bedroom?

Sunshine wants
to start preparing her vibe.

Hey, you want to mess
with her head?

Take pictures
of the bomb shelter downstairs.

And actually,
that's not a bad option,

'cause you can't hear people
screaming if you shut that door.

Uh, sure, honey.
A-And then, you know,

maybe we-we could talk
a little bit about...

-Oh. Uh, what a shock. Sunshine.

Hang on. Sorry, Mom.
Uh...

Yeah?

Oh, no, no, absolutely not.

Yes, I know, you're the midwife,

but Mandy-- you know,
the woman having the baby--

she doesn't like your playlist,
so we'll be going with hers.

-Yeah.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no. You don't need
to call her and talk it over.

I am her big sister,
and I say no.

Yeah.

Blessings to you as well.

Oh, throw a little shade
on Sunshine.

No, no, no, she's okay.
She just needs to be sorted out

every now and again.

I still can't believe
I get to be

by Mandy's side
when she has her baby.

Ah, I'm sorry,
you were saying, Mom?

You wanted to talk about what?

I think it is amazing...

amazing how you're taking care
of your sister

and you are keeping her safe.
It really...

really is wonderful.

Mm, I'm just trying to give her
what you gave me, lady.

You know what, that,
that was an experience

that I will treasure forever.

And... if I can't be
in the room with Mandy,

then I, I am really glad that
she gets to share this with you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Dad?

You okay?

Yeah.

I was just thinking
about that mattress.

You take good care
of my little girl.

Oh, don't worry, there is no ass
I will not kick for Mandy.

And she made
a New Age witch cry.

Kristin said
she'd kick ass for me?

She sure did. I had to clean up
the language a little bit.

Them bikers are salty.

Hey, guys.
Hey, I know we didn't have

a playdate scheduled,
but something came up.

Can Evelyn stay
and play with Sarah for a bit?

Is that all right with you?

Of course.

I want those angels
to play together

the rest of their lives,
just like me and you did.

I'm not telling
that story again.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

where we offer free courses
on hunter safety,

mountain climbing safety,
boater safety.

I'm sure you're thinking,

"That's pretty generous
of Outdoor Man."

But you know what, truth is,
we've learned over the years,

dead customers tend to buy
a lot less gear.

-So we do our best to make sure

everyone who ventures
into the outdoors

makes it back indoors.

-Preferably with good credit.

And just like our store
is committed

to protecting its customers,

as parents, our number-one job
is to protect our kids.

From the moment they're born,
we spring into high alert,

on the lookout
for choking hazards,

sharp corners and, oof,
public television.

Man, it's exhausting.

But if you raise
your kids right,

you'll get to enjoy
the passing of the baton

as they start taking care
of each other.

If you raise them wrong,

they'll be striking each other
over the head with that baton.

Now, it can be
a little bittersweet

when your kids take on
responsibilities

you've always fulfilled.

Like, "Hey, maybe they
don't need us anymore."

Or you could look at it
like this.

"Hey,
they don't need us anymore!"

Baxter out.

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