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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,293 - The zombies have broken through! 2 00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:04,212 I repeat, zombies! 3 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,256 - Aah! - Oh, my God! 4 00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,009 Tommy's been bit! 5 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,062 - Aah, damn! 6 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,607 Damn it! No, no, no! 7 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,651 - What are you waiting for? You know what you have to do! 8 00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,027 - No, I ca- I ca-I can't do it. 9 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,696 - D-do what? 10 00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,447 - You have to do it! He's been bit! 11 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:34,701 - Yes-aah! Aah! Unh! Aah! 12 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,494 - No, no, no! - Forgive me, Tommy! 13 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,912 - No, no, no, no, no! 14 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,629 - Oh, no! 15 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,381 - Aah! 16 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:52,468 I ca-I can't believe the zombies bit him! 17 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:57,765 - It wasn't a zombie, it was a raccoon. 18 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,733 Zombies and raccoons, right? 19 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,489 No, it's just zombies? 20 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:19,746 Oh, shit, you just killed Tommy. 21 00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,522 - Yeah! 22 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,357 Thank you! 23 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:49,859 - Thank you. 24 00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:52,195 - Welcome to the show everybody, I am Keegan. 25 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:53,613 - And I am Jordan. 26 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,031 - And this is Key & Peele. - Yes. 27 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,949 - So thanks for coming out. - Thank you. 28 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,202 Now I just wanna start off by saying 29 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,245 we are huge horror movie fans. - Yes. 30 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,206 - We love horror movies. - We love the slashers. 31 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,124 - Don't know if anybody's seen- - Skite-skite-skite-skite! 32 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,251 - Yeah, that's our jam right there. 33 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:10,797 - I don't know if anyone's seen that movie Candyman? 34 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:13,466 That's one of our favorites, Candyman. 35 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,136 That's the movie where you say "Candyman" five times 36 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:20,181 into a mirror in the bathroom, and a black dude 37 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,558 from the 19th century with a hook for a hand 38 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,478 and bees all over his face comes out, and he kills you. 39 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,897 That's just relevant because if you watched that movie, 40 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,274 and you went home and you said "Candyman" five times 41 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,736 into a mirror, you are a white person. 42 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,446 - Yes, a black person would never do that. 43 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:36,906 - Nope, we don't do that. 44 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,908 - We do not take chances with the supernatural. 45 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,743 Just in case. 46 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,578 - Well, the last thing that came along that we didn't understand 47 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,413 ended up bringing us to America, so that was kind of 48 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,082 a fucked up situation. 49 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:53,005 That's why street magicians, like, on the street- 50 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,883 Like, a black person, we will just excuse ourselves- 51 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,468 - Oh, no, we will vacate the premises. 52 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,512 - From that whole situation. It would be like this- 53 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:00,763 "Was the four of clubs your card?" 54 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,057 - "Oh, hell no. You a demon, so..." 55 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,313 - But, babe, moving out? 56 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,316 Please, this is the worst possible time. 57 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,443 Please don't do this. 58 00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:15,903 Babe? 59 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,411 - Garbage. - Huh? 60 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,704 - Can I take your garbage? 61 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:28,040 - Yeah, sure. 62 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:34,672 You know, I find the more garbage in the can, 63 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:40,094 the better it feels to dump it all out. 64 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,263 I suppose that's why we let it get so full 65 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:46,350 in the first place. 66 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,604 So we can start over. 67 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,320 - Here to fix the copier. - Yeah, sure, sure. 68 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,030 Hey, how did you- 69 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,157 - Sometimes things ain't really broken. 70 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,492 It's the way we treat 'em 71 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:07,038 that needs to be fixed. 72 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:14,503 Heh. 73 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,885 - Who the hell are you guys? 74 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:25,806 The important question is who are you, Steve? 75 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,897 - Well, if it isn't Mr. Stanley. 76 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,566 - Carl. 77 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:43,824 - You need to find your own troubled white boy. 78 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,959 - I was here first. 79 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,090 Copycat! 80 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,760 - Aagh! 81 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,097 Sweep this... 82 00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,306 bitch! 83 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,308 - Unh! 84 00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,149 Uh-oh. - Hah! 85 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,485 - Whoa! Unh! 86 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,086 - Damn! 87 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,254 Chesterfield! 88 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,010 There can be only one 89 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:46,554 magical negro! 90 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,765 Hunh! 91 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,953 Yaarrgh! 92 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:27,678 - Good lord. 93 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:31,098 Are you all right? 94 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:36,312 Well, I guess sometimes things have to come apart 95 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:39,315 before we can put 'em back together again. 96 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,818 - Oh, you're a magical negro too. 97 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:46,405 - Who you callin' "negro," bitch? 98 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,871 - So Keegan's the nicest guy in the world. 99 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,456 Too nice, though. - You think I'm too nice. 100 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,166 - Sometimes you're too nice. - Okay. 101 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,876 - That one time we went to a restaurant. 102 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,378 We're starving, and we are going to a restaurant, 103 00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,005 and there is a woman outside the door 104 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:04,507 of the restaurant with a clipboard 105 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,175 talking about giving money for homeless kids. 106 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,551 - Very nice girl, Very sweet girl. 107 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,761 - I don't care, I don't care. 108 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:09,929 - Very sweet. - Of course she's sweet. 109 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,472 I don't care. 110 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,974 You do not stop for a bitch with a clipboard. 111 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,310 - Jordan- - Don't do it, Keegan. 112 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,770 - Let's talk about what you did. 113 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,313 Let's talk about what he did for a second. 114 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,773 This is my man right here- my man just said, 115 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,233 "Just so you know, it's a no for me." 116 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,655 Excuse me, uh-huh, mm-hmm. 117 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,073 - Look at that. - Mm-mm, mm-mm. 118 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,533 Mm, thank you, mm! 119 00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:31,700 - Well, that's because- No, that's because 120 00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:32,868 you have to know- 121 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,453 - Yeah, mm-hmm, mmm! 122 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:35,746 - That's because I know he's gonna be out there 123 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,081 for the next 48 minutes talking about, 124 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,041 "Fascinating, fascinating. 125 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,460 "Why aren't these kids housed? 126 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,212 "What's wrong? I wanna know. 127 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,547 "I wanna know all the info. 128 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:45,923 "What are their names? One at a time. 129 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,508 "Give them to me, alphabetical. 130 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,176 "No, I'll remember them. I have a good memory. 131 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,096 "I'll give you my email, I'll give you my sosh. 132 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,430 Do they have a father figure?" 133 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,641 "My name's Keegan. 134 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,184 I'll give it to 'em." 135 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,147 - All right. Where you headed, youngster? 136 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:04,150 - Yeah I'm headed to the Cobo building on Jefferson. 137 00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:06,318 - All right, yeah, Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue. 138 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,612 Mm-hmm. 139 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,781 So, uh, what you in Detroit for? 140 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,449 - Uh, gotta do a presentation. 141 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:16,745 - All right, okay. Yeah, a presentation, okay. 142 00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:18,414 What are you presenting? 143 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,875 - Uh, actually it's about how market research 144 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,836 can be interpreted with out-of-the-box solutions. 145 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,004 - Oh, all right, so you're gonna get this all 146 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:28,340 outside the box, all right. 147 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,050 - Most people think that all customers 148 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,844 are a single demographic. 149 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,721 - Oh, okay, you're trying to get all them demographics 150 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,139 up in here, all right. 151 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,141 All right, yeah. 152 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,310 - Online trends are less linear than- 153 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,605 - Oh, okay, online... trends. 154 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,357 Linear, mm-hmm. 155 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:50,321 I'm also thinking about doing the presentation naked. 156 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,697 - Ooh. - Just no clothes on. 157 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,532 - Oh, yeah, yeah, naked presentation. 158 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,367 No clothes on, that's good. 159 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,162 - Afterward, I might just piss on the floor 160 00:08:58,288 --> 00:08:59,455 in front of everyone. 161 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:00,998 - Oh, yeah, okay, all right. 162 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,208 Pissing right there up in front of everybody. 163 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,959 All right, sounds good. 164 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,836 - Then I might just shoot everybody in the place, 165 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,213 you know. 166 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,714 With the gun I'm hiding in my ass. 167 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,924 - Yeah, yeah, gun way up in that ass. 168 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,634 That's the way to do it. 169 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,886 - Cut my victims' faces off, wear them as masks. 170 00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,971 - Mm-hmm, yeah, masks go on the face. 171 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,390 Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. 172 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,809 - Ich bin ein schein. Heil Hitler. 173 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,395 - Yep, okay, heil Hitler to you too. 174 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,730 - Heh. 175 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,858 - All right, here we are. 176 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,904 Oh, by the way. 177 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,323 When you kill those people with your ass gun, 178 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,950 make sure to use a serrated blade 179 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,243 to cut their faces off. 180 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,164 Auf wiedersehen. 181 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,595 - Call my agent. 182 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,224 - Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man. 183 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,809 - What up, Clyde? 184 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,186 Hey look, man, I'm gonna be real with you okay? 185 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:07,273 This Alien Boy script, I'm not feelin' it. 186 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,733 I mean, it's hard being Will Smith's son. 187 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:13,487 I just wanna make sure my next project reflects 188 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,322 that I'm a down-to-earth, normal kid. 189 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,907 Am I making any sense? 190 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,909 - Yeah, yeah, I'm reading you loud and clear. 191 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,745 I've got a script right here, very real, called Street Ball. 192 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,914 - Talk to me. - Okay, so you play Tony. 193 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,541 He's a kid from the streets, lives in the hood 194 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,084 in a house with his mom. 195 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,628 - Stop. 196 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,796 House? 197 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:31,964 Oh, it's like a... 198 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,341 tiny mansion. - Got it, go on. 199 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,218 - So his mom and he, uh, they live in this house 200 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,845 and she works at a supermarket. 201 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,388 - Stop. 202 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,724 - Oh, yeah, a supermarket's like a mansion, 203 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,559 uh, but it's full of food, and anyone can go there. 204 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,103 - So, like, where the butlers go? 205 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:48,063 - Yeah, basically. So he, uh- 206 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,315 - And wait. 207 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,358 You said his mom was doing something 208 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,735 at the supermarket? 209 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,404 - Working. - So... 210 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,906 - Working is kind of like acting on a set every day 211 00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,700 in a film that no one's ever gonna see. 212 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,535 And it lasts for the rest of your life. 213 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,287 - Oh, like a maid! 214 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,997 - Yeah, yeah, she's like the maid of the supermarket. 215 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,790 - Awesome, continue. 216 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,209 - So anyway, Tony doesn't make the basketball team, right? 217 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:10,627 So he decides to start playing pickup games 218 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,463 of street ball outside. 219 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:16,425 - So he plays basketball in his plane? 220 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,843 - No, on the ground. 221 00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,345 - In his limo? 222 00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:21,305 - No, uh, outside is that stuff 223 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,640 that goes by when you're inside the limo. 224 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,100 - Oh, snap! 225 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,186 He plays basketball outside the limo door? 226 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,604 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 227 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,731 So then he gets really good at basketball, 228 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,524 and then blah-blah blah-blah-blah, fast forward. 229 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,736 At the heart of the story, Tony has to choose between his mom- 230 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,822 - Choose. 231 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,158 - Yeah, "choose" is when you have to make a decision 232 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:44,620 between two things you want, but you can have only one. 233 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:48,332 - But... there's two. 234 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:52,044 - Yeah, but, I mean, he can't have both. 235 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,297 - What'd I say about science fiction, Clyde? 236 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,174 It's a no. 237 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,635 - Okay, we'll pass. 238 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:00,803 Achoo! 239 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,763 - Dad bless you. - Thanks. 240 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,311 - Welcome to the show. 241 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,854 Tonight we are a full hour on Baby Prudence, 242 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,773 the child who was abducted yesterday. 243 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,317 We have the 911 call and the last taken home video 244 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,527 of Baby Pru. 245 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,112 We have reporters in the field 246 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,572 as hundreds of people are searching for- 247 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:21,949 What's that? They found her? 248 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:25,285 She's fine? Well fuck me! Gaa! 249 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,043 - Uh, so I have been married, uh, for 13 years. 250 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:38,715 Thank you, thank you. 251 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,968 I'm very happily married. - Gross. 252 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,387 No, no, no. 253 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,597 Your marriage is beautiful. Your marriage is not gross. 254 00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,350 But for me, that is not an option, marriage. 255 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,894 - Okay, yeah, Jordan is not a big fan of marriage. 256 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,856 For Jordan, marriage is, um- - The end of life. 257 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,149 - Yes. 258 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,151 The end of life. - That, yes, yes. 259 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,402 I don't get tattoos either, by the way. 260 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,237 - Mm-hmm. - Okay? 261 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,781 To me, marriage seems like getting a tattoo that's alive 262 00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,409 and makes you wait to watch the next episode of everything. 263 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,161 I don't want that. - See, and I don't care. 264 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:10,205 I just as soon wait for my wife so we can watch it together. 265 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,666 - Ew. 266 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,712 No, no! 267 00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,505 But, okay, I like to go to Amsterdam, for example. 268 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,673 - Yes, mm-hmm. - Every now and then. 269 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,676 - Thank you! 270 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,803 When you-when you get married, you can't go to Amsterdam. 271 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,096 - Oh, yes, you can. - No. 272 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,890 - I can go to Amsterdam with my wife. 273 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,516 - Yes, but you can't Amsterdam. 274 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,229 - Oh, well... 275 00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,106 - The mood is infectious and exciting today 276 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,816 as people from all walks of life 277 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,568 celebrate becoming the seventh state 278 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,195 to legalize gay marriage. 279 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,030 We're here talking to excited couples about 280 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,949 how they feel on this historic day. 281 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,367 Oh, hi. - Hi, hi. 282 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,827 Uh, yeah, it's a very historic day 283 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:49,995 for civil rights. 284 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,413 - Whoo! - And for gay Americans. 285 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,956 And Americans all over the country- 286 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:56,335 - Whoo! We're gonna get married! Yeah! 287 00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,462 Well, you know, wait- 288 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,547 - We said that it would be a conversation, 289 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,882 you know what I mean? Because we didn't know 290 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,634 this was gonna pass so darn fast. 291 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,594 - Oh, my God! - So are you guys a couple? 292 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,929 Are we a couple? 293 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,514 Come on, girl, let's get serious. 294 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,557 - No, it's just so fast. - My name is Lashawn. 295 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,602 And this is right here is my "Samwich." 296 00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,687 It's, uh, Samuel, yeah. 297 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,357 And we're gonna get married! Yeah! 298 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,691 - That's so great. 299 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,151 How long have you guys been together? 300 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,903 - Well, we've been- - Three years. 301 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,113 It's been forever, we've been waiting forever! 302 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,783 - It's really important to know the person- 303 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,786 - Who is the bride? I am the bride. 304 00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,204 Do-do-do-do-do-do-do! 305 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,997 - Oh, well tell us all about your plans. 306 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,958 - You know, we never thought it was important to have 307 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,793 a piece of paper, so there's not any plans- 308 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,294 - Oh, yeah! Piece of paper! 309 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,837 We're gonna get that piece of paper, Sammy! 310 00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,881 - Yeah, yeah. - That piece of paper! 311 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,841 - Where do you think you guys will get married? 312 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,718 - You know, there's a lot of hidden costs in a wedding- 313 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,095 - Oh, everywhere! 314 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,596 We're gonna get married over here 315 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,015 and over there and in the sky and on a cloud. 316 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,934 - Oh, wow, it sounds like it's gonna be a big wedding. 317 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,644 - Well, you know it's just a conversation that we have- 318 00:14:55,770 --> 00:15:00,315 - Girl, we're gonna rent the moon and fill it with roses! 319 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,693 - We really need to talk about whether or not we think 320 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,820 it's fair to even get married when it's still illegal 321 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,238 in so many other states- 322 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,614 - You see? Look at him! 323 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,408 That's my man with his big heart. 324 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,327 I'm sorry, my husband. You my husband now. 325 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,870 - Well, we just- - You my husband now, bitch. 326 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,747 - We just don't wanna rush into anything, 327 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,082 because stuff gets overturned. 328 00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,709 Remember what happened in California. 329 00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,419 - Baby, I'm gonna get a 14-karat ring 330 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,838 the size of 14 motherfuckin' carrots. 331 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:25,591 That's what's up, doc! 332 00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:27,509 - Well, you two certainly seem excited. 333 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,469 - Yeah, do we seem excited? - Oh, yeah, yeah. 334 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,887 - Oh, okay. - Congratulations. 335 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,889 I hope you guys have a wonderful life together. 336 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,891 - We just-we really just didn't think it was gonna pass. 337 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,936 - We're gonna have a house that's shaped like a unicorn, 338 00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,396 and we're gonna have five little girls. 339 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,357 Their names are gonna be Etnie, Carousel, Sequin, 340 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,942 Abercrombie, and Phantom. 341 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,403 And we're gonna have a little dog named Ruffalo. 342 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,947 And the dog gonna have a cat named Myriad. 343 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,202 - And we have breaking news. 344 00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,038 Baby Lakisha has gone missing. 345 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,831 For the next hour we will- what's that? Nobody cares? 346 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,167 Moving on, let's check in with baby Prudence. 347 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,295 Her 14th day home, and she's still safe and sound. 348 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,926 - No, I definitely- I am very happily married, 349 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,511 but I have to say that there are times 350 00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,347 in a relationship where you have to use psychology, 351 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,681 you know, to get what you want. 352 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,224 - Oh, definitely. - Oh, yeah, yeah. 353 00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,643 - I know exactly- I mean, I have a girlfriend, 354 00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,019 so I know what you're talking about. 355 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,479 For me it's when I'm watching HBO, 356 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,565 and the girl takes her top off in the HBO show, 357 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:24,983 which is inevitable. 358 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,653 And the only way I can continue watching the show 359 00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:29,237 is if I preempt her. 360 00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:30,572 I'm like, "Oh, see, that's just a shame 361 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,032 "she feels like she has to do that. 362 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,620 "It's just a shame. It's gratuitous, is what it is. 363 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,791 I don't even wanna watch- We can watch it, but you know." 364 00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:44,670 - Oh, man. 365 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,797 What I do, I like to walk my dogs. 366 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,966 But I pretend like I hate walking my dogs. 367 00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,844 Because one hour of dog walking equals five hours of football. 368 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,721 - Yes, smart. 369 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,475 - So I'll come in the door just talking about, Ooh! Ooh! 370 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,352 - Right. 371 00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,771 - Ooh! - Yeah, you gotta play it up. 372 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,857 - My hammies! - Yeah, yeah, you gotta... 373 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,610 Very smart. - Oh! Five hours of football. 374 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,445 - So you sort of bank the favor, in a way. 375 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,280 - So, yeah, I bank the favor. 376 00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,865 - Which is kind of- Another thing I do 377 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,867 is I will bank a complaint. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 378 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,870 - Yeah, if she does something I don't really care about 379 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,124 if she did it, but I will wait. 380 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,084 And I will wait until she calls me out on some shit 381 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,627 to bring it up. 382 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:26,878 - Yeah, yeah. - You know what I'm saying? 383 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,255 - So if she says to you, um, 384 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,589 "why'd you leave the toilet seat up?" 385 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,633 - Bitch, why was you late last week, 386 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,261 and I ain't say nothing? 387 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,222 I was gonna let that shit slide! 388 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,724 - That's very good. I'm gonna try that. 389 00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,308 - Yeah. 390 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,689 - Now, first, let me just say 391 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,859 that I'm encouraged that so many of you from the Republican party 392 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,154 have agreed to meet me in this way. 393 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,531 Now, as you know, I've tried very hard 394 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,533 to reach across the aisle 395 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:58,618 and govern this country from the middle. 396 00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,786 - Well... 397 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,290 all due respect, Mr. President, 398 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,709 we disagree with you. 399 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,628 - We think you should run the country from... 400 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,380 not the middle. 401 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,924 - Well, that's why we're here. 402 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,302 If you would, I'd just appreciate some feedback 403 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,971 on some new ideas and directions for this country. 404 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,349 Feel free to agree or disagree. 405 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,268 Whatever you want. 406 00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:24,936 - We're gonna disagree. 407 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,607 - Yeah, disagree. - Disagree. 408 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,358 Disagree. 409 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:34,196 - First, I think the government is too big. 410 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,198 I think we need to shrink the size 411 00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,909 of the federal government so that all decisions 412 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,786 can be made at the state level. 413 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,788 - We disagree, Mr. President. 414 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,123 - Mm-hmm. 415 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,667 - You drive a hard bargain, you win. 416 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,589 - There we go. 417 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,509 - Big government it is. 418 00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,179 - All right, next up, this has been a hot button issue, 419 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,515 but I think we can settle it right here. 420 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,976 No taxes for rich people. 421 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,228 - We completely disagree! 422 00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,021 - Round two goes to you guys. 423 00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,107 - Okay. - Uh-huh. 424 00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,109 - More taxes for the rich. 425 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:14,736 - What the fuck! 426 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,531 - What is happening to us? 427 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,783 - Man, I am taking a beating here, guys. 428 00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,661 All right, last issue- immigration. 429 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,497 Now, we need to secure our borders. 430 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,124 And anybody who's here illegally 431 00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:30,585 should be hunted down and deported. 432 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,467 We disagree! 433 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,017 - We are country of immigrants! No! 434 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,062 - We need a clear path to citizenship 435 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,356 for all of those who are already here! 436 00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,900 Aah! Help me! 437 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:03,201 - Great, I love your ideas. 438 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,204 Lastly, we cannot regulate firearms. 439 00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:08,331 Yes, we can! 440 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:11,251 Yes, we can! Yes, we can! 441 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,337 Yes, we can! Yes, we can! 442 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,091 - All right, all right. If you guys say so. 443 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,511 And nobody better throw me a cigarette. 444 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,893 Ain't I a stinker? 445 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:41,615 - Oh, hell no, you a demon! No, no, you a demon. 446 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,075 - Good night, everybody! Thank you! 447 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,957 - ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 448 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,085 - Oh, yeah. 449 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,797 - When you get married, you can't hang out with a girl 450 00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:58,965 who is just a friend anymore. 451 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,717 - No, no, that's not true. 452 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:03,345 There are some women out there who are more than willing 453 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,096 to let you hang out with your female friends. 454 00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,349 - Okay, well, when I meet that mythical bitch- 455 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,726 my knee will hit the floor. 31266

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