All language subtitles for Key.And.Peele.S01E04.The.Branding.BluRay.x264.AAC.2.0-LeRalouf

- Now I know
this plan is foolproof.

Check this out.

First of all, you and me
start working at the bank.

Doesn't matter
the position, okay,

just so long as we get
in there, all right?

Then we just
go there every day,

do the work,
gain their trust

until we get them
in the palm of our hand.

- All right.
So how we get the money?

- That's the beauty
of it, bro.

They deposit the money
into our bank accounts,

week after week,
month after month.

They're not even gonna know
they're being robbed.

And then 20
or 30 years later,

we walk out the front door
like nothing even happened.

- Motherfucker,
that's called a job!

- Hello.

Good evening.

- Thank you.

- Thank you so much
for coming out.

Uh, I am Keegan.
- I am Jordan.

- And this is
Key and Peele.

- Welcome to the show.
- Thank you for coming.

- Thank you.

Now, Keegan and I
have noticed

that there, uh, seems
to be a huge difference

between white college movies
and black college movies.

- It's huge, yes.

In-in white
college movies-

white college movies are always
only about having fun,

smoking weed,
and stealing mascots.

- Right, and it's all about...

Let's drink some beer
off of some titties!

Yeah, let's get away

with date rape!

- And in black college movies,
the-the lead always

says this line,
every time:

- "I'm gonna go
to college."

Toward the beginning
of the film, "I'm gonna go"-

as if someone
just told him,

"There's no way you're
gonna go to college, man."

"I'm gonna go."

That's the plot
of the film right there.

That this guy's
gonna go to college.

- And in a white college movie,
it-it-it-

uh, college
is a given.

College is a backdrop.
- Oh, yeah.

- It's about "How do I get
out of college?"

- That's right, "How do I do
as little work as possible?"

- "Aw, man, I'm sick
of this trust fund

and my dad
being a legacy."

- No, black college movies,
always the same plot:

"I might develop
a challenging, rhythmical,

extracurricular activity"-
- Mm-hmm.

- "That's not gonna change
the fact that I'm going

to stay in college."
- Mm-hmm.

It's gonna be all right,
brother, 'cause there ain't

nobody gonna try to kick you out
of college.

It's a black college.
You're gonna be fine.

- I don't understand,
when is gonna be the day

that we can have
a college movie for black people

where we get
to act like fools?

- I'll tell you this
right now:

When a black man dresses
like a woman

in order to live
in a sorority house,

we will have reached equality.
- That's right.

No, actually, that-
no, that movie exists.

Big Momma's House 3
starring Sir Martin Lawrence.

- Well, then, we have reached
the mountaintop.

All right.

- Ahh!

Omega Pi Omega!

- Omega Pi Omega!

Omega Pi Omega!

- Omega Pi Omega!
- Yeah!

- Yo, brand me, son.
- Yeah.

- Brand me,
do it on my chest.

- Yeah.
- Straight down the middle, son.

- Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Ahh!

- Yeah, son!

- Oh, yeah-yo...
yo, yo, hold up, man.

Come on, wait.

Wait, wait, that's...

that shit's upside-down, son.

It-it's to the side
a little bit too.

- Oh, shit, well, okay,
my-my bad, dog.

My bad, dog.
You wanna keep doing this shit?

Let's go!
- Yeah, man.

I'm just-I'm saying,
yo, be careful.

- I got you, dog,
I got you... yeah!

- Ahh!

- What's up?
That's what's up!

- Yeah.
- Straight down the middle, son!

- You can't go back
to middle now, son.

- What?
- We already committed

to the upside-down
and to the side.

- I got you, dog, yeah!
- Ahh!

What are you doing, man?

- You said upside-down
and to the side.

- That's three omegas!

- Oh, man,
I forgot the Pi.

Yeah!
- Ahh!

Oh...

- Oh, man,
I mean, you know...

that-that, man...
that-that...

that could be
a rocket ship,

or-or
a lighthouse.

Naw, man, you straight up
got a dick on your chest.

- Ahh!

- What do we do?

They told us at the station
to come down here and fill time,

but, uh, there's
no story here.

- In this neighborhood,
there's always a story.

Here, gimme the name
of a mythical creature.

- Mythical creature?
I don't-

- Trust me.
- Uh, I don't-a pegasus.

- Pegasus, perfect.

Just roll,
watch, and learn.

- They can stay in my house
if they want to-

- Hi, there. Rick Nicholsby,
Channel Six News.

We've had reports
of a pegasus in the area.

Has anybody seen
anything like that?

- Aw, yeah, man,
I seen a pegasus.

I seen it, yeah, every day.
- I sees it too, man.

We both see
that pegasus, dog.

- Yeah, I saw it
with my own two eyes, man.

That horse had
a big old snake head-

- Naw, man, it ain't
got no snake head, fool.

Y'all, that-that horse
had some big wings, man.

- Yeah, yeah.
- It's all flying and shit.

- Yeah, that horse
had big old wings.

Man, like, two sets
of wings, yeah.

- Y'all see the pegasus?
- Yeah.

- Everybody up in here
seen the pegasus, man.

- Curiosity has brought out
large crowds

to see the alleged pegasus in
this South Lennox neighborhood.

- Look, there it is.

- I'm gonna find it,
break it,

and then ride it
to the pegasus treasure.

- Residents say the creature
resembles this amateur sketch.

- Kicked the fuck
out of my car.

City's gotta pay
for that shit too.

I ain't got no coverage
for no pegasus, bitch.

- He land on my roof, man.
Look at my roof, man.

He busted it up.

He busted
the whole thing up, man.

Yeah, he been-he been-he been
sitting up there every day.

- While many revel
in the possibility

of seeing
the winged horse,

others are not
so welcoming.

- I just know this neighborhood
would be better

if that pegasus
is put down.

God ain't
putting no wings on no horse.

- Now, see, if this was
a white neighborhood,

animal control
would be up in here

with a pegasus trap.
- That's right.

They can't take our pegasus.
This is our pegasus.

- Pegasus up
in this motherfucker!

- Hey, man, why you
interrupting me?

I'm trying to talk
about the pegasus.

- Fuck you!
- Hey!

Don't be disrespecting pegasus!
- I love pegasus!

- Yes, we're here live
on the scene in South Lennox,

where riots have broken out
over the alleged appearance

of a flying horse.

- Did this
actually happen?

Did Mel Gibson actually say
to that woman-

- His-uh, not just a woman,
his wife or girlfriend.

- Right, whatever she was.
Did he say to her,

"I hope you get raped
by a pack of niggers"?

- Yes, he did.
- What?

- He is the most racist man
in the world, yes.

- But, seriously, no-
and, for the record,

if-if he had said,

"I hope you get raped by a pack
of African-Americans"-

- Not better, not better.
- Doesn't fix it.

Doesn't even fix it,
it's that racist.

- Because "pack" always
denotes non-human.

- It means animals.
- It means animals every time.

- No, l-I would've
rather he said, uh,

"I hope you get raped
by a group of niggers."

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh...

"A, uh, gathering of niggers"

would have been fine.

- "Congregation."

- A congre-please.

No, but it's,
like, a pack.

"Pack" is the most
racist thing

I've ever heard anyone say
in my life.

- I would rather someone say,
"You got raped

by a group of niggers,"

than "A pack
of African-Americans

went to a physics
presentation."

- Yes, yes.

Right?
- I would be less offended.

- Hey, did you
see that nigga?

- That nigga
looked like Busta Rhymes

and Maya Angelou
had a baby.

Yeah, yeah.

That was
one jacked-up-looking nigger.

- Uh-oh.
You just dropped the N-word,

but you're not an "N."

Lucky for you, there's a way
to avoid these situations.

Introducing
the new smartphone application:

The negraph.

Finally, a technology
specifically designed

to help you determine whether
or not you can drop the N-bomb.

- I can say it!

We can
all say it!

- Not in this lifetime.

- To see your negraph,
just enter your name,

age, and color
of your skin,

or just the color
of your skin.

- I've got the negraph
on my phone and my iPad.

My phone says
I can't ever say it.

My iPad says
I can't ever say it...

but bigger!

- The negraph-
can you say the N-word?

- I can say nigger
all day long.

Nigger!

- No.

I'd like to, but...
says it right here.

- The negraph.

And also available
at the App Store, the fagchart.

- Uh, greetings,
adventurers.

- Greetings.
- Greetings.

- As you all
can see here,

we have a new traveler
in our ranks.

Uh, this is
my cousin Tyrell,

and he will be controlling
the player character.

- His name is Kanye.
He's a giant, yo.

Uh, dear cousin...

traditionally, a-a giant
is not assumed by a player.

It is a chaotic, evil-

- Yeah, but I want
to be a giant, yo.

All big.

- Oh, okay. Fine.

Well, travelers, you are joined
on your adventure today

by a giant
named Kanye.

Now when last we left you,

you were at the Inn
of the North Star

in the town of Isledor.

How do you begin
your adventure?

- I wanna get
some bitches.

Where the club at
at Isledor, yo?

- Tyrell, this is
highly unusual.

I think the guys probably
just wanna go on the quest-

- Um, Stephen?
- Yes?

- I would like to join
Kanye the giant in his quest.

- Seriously?

All right.

The two of you
enter the tavern.

What do you say?

- Kanye the giant
orders Alize.

- "Hmm," says the barkeep.

"Uh, I know not of this foreign
beverage of which you speak.

Perhaps you'd enjoy
an Elven ale?"

- No, we both
want the Alize.

- Alize does not exist
in this world.

- Kanye the giant
slaps that bitch.

- Oh!

- Kanye the giant attempts

to slap the bartender.
Here.

The bartender
is half-Hobbit

and very nimble,

so you're going to have
to roll an 18 or above to hit.

20.
- Blip.

Slap that Hobbit's
dick off, yo.

- Okay.
Gollin the cleric,

would you care to restrain
Kanye the giant

before the town guard
is called?

- Uh, I grab money
out of the register.

- But-but-but Gollin
the cleric is lawful good.

This act of thievery

would dishonor his gods.
- Hey, man.

The only gods
is money and bitches, dude.

- Ah! I accept Kanye
the giant's gods, and, uh...

yeah, l-l-I steal
some of the money too.

- You too?

Okay, would you now like
to continue your quest

for the Lance of Caldahar?
- Fellas...

we came here
for bitches.

Where the bitches at?

- All right, you see a bevy
of well-endowed wenches.

- Great, I grab them bitches,
and we all go in my SUV.

- Fine. Kanye the giant,
Udar the dwarf,

and Gollin the cleric
climb into his SUV

with their bitches
and their ill-gotten gains.

- And our Alize.

Plus Kanye the giant
puts his demo CD

in the CD player-
- No, he doesn't.

There are no CDs
in this world!

You know what?

Do whatever
you want.

- All right.

I guess I'm
the Dungeon Master now.

The Eye of Ona
opens up...

16 titties
fall out.

- Yeah!
- Hurrah!

- Okay, so occasionally
Keegan and I will be recognized

on the street.
- Occasionally.

- Occasionally happens.
- Occasionally, yeah.

Uh, uh, and it's
always by the-

by the same particular kind
of guy, every single time.

- Yes, this dude has-
wears suit pants and high-tops.

- Mm-hmm,
or conversely,

sweat pants
and polished dress shoes.

- One or the other.
One or the other.

And you can tell
he doesn't know our names,

'cause my man just talk about,
"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

"Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Yeah, oh, yay!
That's what l-yeah, yeah!

That's my shit, dog."
- Yeah.

- But then inevitably-
inevitably he will say this-

- "Yo, but ideally,
dog, ideally...

"we could do some
shit together, man.

Ideally..."

- Never met him before!

Never seen the man before
a day in my life.

- Straight up, but, yo, I'm
trying to get what you doin'.

I'm tryin' to do
what you doin'.

What you are, where you at,
where you at.

So ideally, ideally, I be doin'
what you doin' right now.

- Why "ideally"?
Why "ideally"?

Of course, "ideally"!
- Of course.

- Ideally, I want
to wake up tomorrow

and have my penis intact.
Ideally!

- Ideally,
you would be wearing shoes

that match your pants,
motherfucker.

- Right. Exactly

- Oh, my God.
So it's definitely happening?

We're making a record?

Oh, no, I promise,
it's gonna be a hit.

Hey, no, man,
thank you.

- What's up, my man?

I heard
about your record deal, dog.

You gonna keep it real,
now, right, right?

You're gonna stay true
to your roots, right?

You ain't gonna let down
your boy-your boy Dwayne.

- Dwayne Washington.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Ramsey Junior High-
- Yo, yo, yo!

If it ain't Craig,
the man of the hour, homie.

You remember me,
I'm Teresa's cousin.

You gonna keep it real?

- Yeah, definitely
gonna keep it real, man.

So, yeah...
- What up? What up?

It's my favorite Craig, mm-hmm.
- I don't know you, man.

- You don't know me?

Shit, is that
how it's gonna be, Craig?

- No, I really don't know you.

- You changed.

- All right,
you good, you good.

- Craig's phone.

- Hey, youngblood.

My girls take care of you,
you take care of me.

- Oh, all right.
All right.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right.

- Hello, Craig's phone.

It's for you, brother.
- Aww.

Thanks, man. Thanks.
All right, hello?

Yeah.

It fell through?

It's not happening?

Damn, man...

No, it's all right.
Thanks anyway.

Sorry, everybod-

Damn.

Good evening,
my fellow Americans.

Now before we begin, I'd like
to once again introduce you

to my anger translator Luther.
- Hi.

- Now this November,
I want each and every one of you

to ask yourselves, "what has
changed in the last four years?"

- Who killed
Osama bin Laden?

- What has my administration
accomplished?

- Did we accomplish killing
America's biggest enemy?

Uh, check,
did that, boom!

- In 2011 alone, we created more
jobs than George W. Bush did

in all eight years
of his office.

- Except
for "Osama bin Laden hunter,"

because that job
don't exist anymore,

'cause I went over there,
and I killed him in his face.

- We helped make health care

accessible to more Americans

than ever before.

- I'm sorry, what'd you say?

Your World Trade Center hurts?

Then why don't you take
two dead bin Ladens

and call me
in the morning, biz-itch?

- This election,
make the decision

that you think best serves
the future of this country.

- Or you can eat
a dum-dum sandwich

and just vote for the person
who didn't kill Osama bin Laden.

But why would you do it?
Why would you do it?

I mean, God damn.

- I plan to run
a clean campaign,

one based on the issues
and the accomplishments

of my administration.
- Mm-hmm.

But I'm gonna
tell you right now,

if the Republicans-if they
had caught Osama bin Laden,

there wouldn't even be
an election, man.

They'd just put
a crown on his head,

and give him a castle,
and just call him

the King of America,
and that'd be it.

I said,
that'd be it!

- All right,
all right, all right.

Just, you know, bring it down
a notch, there, Luther.

- Okay, come on,
Luther, man,

you're straight up
out of control, brother.

- Well, l-
it's not that bad.

- Okay, don't beat
yourself up, it's okay.

'Scuse me.

- Can a nigga
get a lozenge?

- Now, Luther, you-you-
you can't say that word.

- Oh...

actually it says right here,
I can say it whenever I want.

- I guess I can say it too.

Good night, my niggas.

- Okay, so here's
a very sad thing-

Jordan and I
could not be rappers.

Couldn't do it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Seriously, Jordan?
Are you seriously fronting?

We have absolutely
no street cred whatsoever.

What am I supposed to rap about,
my master's degree in fine arts?

- L-I did-l-l-I dropped out
of college, so, you know,

I still got that-
I still got that-

- You dropped out
of Sarah Lawrence College

in Westchester County,

which makes you educated
and a lesbian.

- I'm saying-it's just,
you gotta twist it, man.

You just gotta-
- Oh, you gotta twist it.

- Yeah.
- You gotta-you gotta twist it.

- I'm talking about-
yeah, you-you do!

Talking about,
yo, check it-

♪ Yo, NYC,
born and raised ♪

♪ In the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪-

- No, you did not!
No, you didn't.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
- Hold up, hold up, hold up.

All right, I ain't finished,
I ain't finished:

♪ Yo, all I had was my smarts,
and then the liberal arts ♪-

- No!
- ♪ Came into my life ♪-

- No, can't-
- All right-

- No, because you cannot say
the words "liberal arts"

in a rap song.
- Fine.

All y'all rappers out there
think y'all hard

'cause what y'all
been through?

Hey, check it out.

♪ It was Friday night chillin' ♪

♪ On my front lawn ♪

♪ Me and my crew,
I had my bathrobe on ♪

♪ Everybody high ♪

♪ Just watched X-Men ♪

♪ Got plenty
chicken heads ♪

♪ Ready for sex, men ♪

♪ Busters roll up ♪

♪ They tryin'
to talk smack ♪

♪ Don't these
niggas know ♪

♪ They fuckin'
with Tha Mack? ♪

♪ Dude pulled his nine ♪

♪ I knew homies seen us ♪

♪ He pulled
two shots ♪

♪ Somehow my penis
got between us ♪

♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪

♪ Shot, shot
in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪

- ♪ Shot in the dick ♪

♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪

- ♪ Went back
to my palace fast ♪

♪ Now I'm the dude walking
'round with a phallus cast ♪

♪ Like Wolverine,
I'm trying to be a loner ♪

♪ But they think a nigga
got an adamantium boner ♪

♪ What can I say? ♪

♪ They still up
on my totem pole ♪

♪ Bitch, get your tongue ring
away from the scrotum hole ♪

♪ Don't know
why they love it ♪

♪ But it keeps
the ladies moistening ♪

♪ Gave half the honeys
in the 'hood lead poisoning ♪

- ♪ Shot in the dick,
shot, shot in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪

- ♪ Shot in the dick ♪

♪ Shot, shot
in the dick ♪

♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪

- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪

- Yo, they shot
that fool in the dick!

- Ahh!
Gee, fu-man!

Damn, that hurts.
- What?

- Damn-no, video over, man.
Video's over.

- No!
- I'm serious, man.

Damn...

- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.

- He's got one.
- Yo.

- He's got one.
- Check it, check it, check it.

Check it, check it,
check it, check it:

♪ Yo, all my boys
have my back ♪

♪ While we're
playing hacky-sack ♪

- Nope, nope, nope.

Good night, everybody.
Safe home, God bless.

- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

- Oh, yeah.

- Dude, I'm gonna-
I'm gonna put some weed smoke

in your ear, dog.
- It's all right, dude.

I'm gonna take
this grenade and toss it

in the fraternity house
for no reason at all.