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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,606 - I'm funnier than he is, but they told me to introduce him. 2 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,674 Here's Jeff Dunham! 3 00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,359 - Well, welcome to my Valentine's Day special and... 4 00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:29,763 There are at least two things in this world 5 00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:31,732 that I know are completely universal. 6 00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,102 We all need love and laughter. 7 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,739 Audrey and I have now been married for 11 1/2 years, 8 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:41,375 and I, I am the luckiest man on the planet. 9 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,876 I say that every single day. 10 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,044 Yeah, and... 11 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:47,881 But now the world turns, 12 00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:49,650 and I have twin boys, Jack and James. 13 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,452 They are eight years of age. 14 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,786 Yeah, thanks. 15 00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:55,389 But you know, with the kids, 16 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:56,800 you never know what you're going to get. 17 00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,160 There's some DNA mixed in with how you raise them. 18 00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:00,604 No matter what you do, they could turn out 19 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:02,396 to be little shits anyway, so. 20 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:07,301 But at age eight, all kids are sponges. 21 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,045 You know, they hear stuff, and they repeat it 22 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,080 whether they should or not. 23 00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,705 And if I had known earlier in life 24 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,541 than later in life I was gonna have more kids, 25 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,152 I might not have said some of the things I did 26 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,744 in some of my stand-up specials. 27 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,148 There's a couple of specials 28 00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:22,216 where Peanut imitates porno music. 29 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,121 And I'm not kidding, I don't know how many times I've caught 30 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,123 James walking through the house all by himself, 31 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,492 and he's going ♪ boom, chicka, wow, wow 32 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,529 And you know I'm gonna get that call from school. 33 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,566 "Mr. Dunham, James has been imitating pornographic music." 34 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,344 I'm like, "oh, yeah, he got that from his mom. 35 00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,136 I have no idea where that came from, so." 36 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,049 Speaking of love, are you guys ready for 37 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,475 the little people in the boxes? 38 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,911 All right. 39 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:56,116 In classical mythology, Cupid is the god of desire, 40 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,919 erotic love, attraction, and affection. 41 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,523 So ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Cupid. 42 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:09,062 ♪ ♪ 43 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,075 - Shut the hell up. 44 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,086 You know how much I hate you right now. 45 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:37,658 - Hello, Cupid. - I'm Walter, damn it. 46 00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,870 - Yeah, but tonight you're supposed to be Cupid. 47 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,530 - I'd rather be working at Walmart. 48 00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,531 Just play along. 49 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:45,565 Just play along. 50 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,807 - So Valentine's Day is a busy time for you, isn't it, Cupid? 51 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,310 - This qualifies as elder abuse. 52 00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:00,587 - It looks like you're ready to 53 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,883 get to work for Valentine's Day. Are you feeling OK? 54 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:05,319 - No, I'm half naked and my nipples are chapped. 55 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,790 And what kind of costume is wings and Depends? 56 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,363 These lights are too bright. Put my sunglasses on. 57 00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:16,163 - You want sunglasses? 58 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,498 - Put on the damn sunglasses. 59 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,566 It's too bright out here. 60 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:19,733 Whatever, just put 'em on me. 61 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,134 Oh, you're gonna blind me. 62 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,503 What the hell is wrong with you? 63 00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,374 - There. - Oh, ah, much better. 64 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,446 Look, Ray-Bans and Depends. 65 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,114 I'm Joe Biden! 66 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,528 I'm president and I can't get up. 67 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,629 - Will you stop? 68 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:53,834 Walter... - Ah, come on. 69 00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,769 Folks say I look like him all the time. 70 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,281 - Yeah, they do. - Yeah, they're like, 71 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:58,872 "are you Joe Biden?" 72 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,274 I wouldn't want to disappoint them, 73 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,776 so I say, "I don't know," and they believe me! 74 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,115 - I'm taking these off. - Well, that was easy. 75 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,418 - So as Cupid, your job is to go around 76 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,985 shooting arrows into people's hearts, 77 00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,254 which then makes them fall in love, right? 78 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,291 - Yeah, yeah. Love, lust, whatever you want to call it. 79 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:20,293 - Oh. So what's the difference between love and lust? 80 00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:21,529 - 50 bucks. 81 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,537 Less in certain parts of Florida. 82 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:30,570 - Oh. 83 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,075 Yeah, and why do you shoot arrows? 84 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:38,045 - I don't know, TSA took my Glock. 85 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,078 How about that? 86 00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,516 - Let's talk about relationships. 87 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,085 - Oh, I am an expert on that. - OK. 88 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,556 So how should a man approach a woman he's attracted to? 89 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,090 - From the rear. - No. 90 00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,630 - And with the size of some of the asses these days, 91 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,633 that could be considered a long distance relationship. 92 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,139 - So, Cupid, aren't greeting cards a good way 93 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,775 of expressing your love for someone? 94 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:10,243 - Oh, sure, yeah, greeting cards are good for anybody. 95 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,979 In fact, I've written a few myself. 96 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,615 - Some greeting cards? Can you recite a couple for us? 97 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:15,648 - Sure. 98 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:18,118 - Do you have one for longtime married couples? 99 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,520 Oh, absolutely. Here we go. 100 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:24,124 "Our love all these years has been a blissful occurrence. 101 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,395 I wish you would die so I could collect the insurance." 102 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,034 - No. - OK. 103 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,770 How about one for younger couples? 104 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,439 - Younger couples, great. - OK. 105 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,908 "Meeting you was amazing luck, 106 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,343 and I think of that most each time that we..." 107 00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:47,147 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 108 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,883 - "Have dinner." What did you think I was gonna say? 109 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,453 You're a bad man. 110 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,255 - So how is your love life? 111 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:56,533 - Oh, you mean me as Walter and... 112 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,125 and with the wife? - Yeah. 113 00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,227 - Well, things are different at our age. 114 00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,261 - I'm sure. - Yeah. 115 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,796 We're actually kinkier now. 116 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,173 - OK, I don't want to hear about it. 117 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,166 - Yeah, now she offers me the choice: 118 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,768 teeth in or teeth out. 119 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,677 Trust me, you'll see. - OK. 120 00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,380 Well, I'm glad you're happy. 121 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:21,682 - I didn't say that. 122 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,527 - Do you ever tell your wife that you love her? 123 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,351 - Of course I do. 124 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:25,729 - How often do you tell her? - Once. 125 00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,054 - A day? - A year. 126 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,624 - Well, that's not very much. - It adds up. 127 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,327 - I guess you tell her on Valentine's Day? 128 00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,328 - No. - Mother's Day? 129 00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:36,163 - No. - Christmas? 130 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:37,196 - April Fools'. 131 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,503 I'm kidding. - Good. 132 00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:45,138 - Yeah, I tell her every February 29th. 133 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,177 - Let's talk about romance. - Oh, great. 134 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,812 - All right. Just some simple things. 135 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,814 Do you and your wife ever watch movies together? 136 00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:56,383 - Yeah, she wants to watch our wedding movies. 137 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,885 - That's nice. - I can't do it. 138 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,053 - Why not? - I know what happens next. 139 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,757 - So when you proposed, did you get down on one knee? 140 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:04,492 - Yeah, I had to. 141 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,132 I didn't want to look her in the eye. 142 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,297 Say, I got a joke-joke for you. 143 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:13,801 What does Disney World have in common with Viagra? 144 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,735 - I don't know, what? 145 00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:17,404 - An hour-long wait for a two-minute ride. 146 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,448 - You're not gonna start telling joke-jokes now, 147 00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:29,482 are you? - Oh, sure. 148 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,485 I'll do some wife jokes and get you canceled. 149 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,662 - Walter... - Hang on, hang on. 150 00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:35,623 My wife is so ugly. 151 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:38,125 Crowd: How ugly is she? 152 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,794 - She sat on her iPhone and it unlocked. 153 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,498 That's butt ugly. 154 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:45,532 - We got it. - OK. 155 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,736 Calm down, though, it's not one sided. 156 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,671 - How's that? - Every Valentine's Day, 157 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,641 she gets me sweetheart candies with sayings on them. 158 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,842 - Oh, like "be mine"? 159 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:57,010 - No, no. "Do not resuscitate." 160 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:00,247 I will say, though, 161 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,583 we did go to a marriage counselor one time. 162 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,584 - You did? - Oh, yeah. 163 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,418 He said I should take my wife out 164 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,555 and treat her like I did on our first date. 165 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,122 - Sounds like a good idea. - Yeah. 166 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,158 So I took her to dinner, felt her up, 167 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,193 then dropped her off at her parents' house. 168 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,966 - But despite that kind of stuff, the love life is OK? 169 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,133 - Yeah, we do our best. 170 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:23,403 We tried role playing with a little French maid outfit. 171 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,838 - Ooh, how'd that go? 172 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,674 - Uh, she said it was too tight. 173 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,642 - Ah. - And my accent was bad. 174 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,383 See, I put the maid outfit on. 175 00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:37,415 - They got it. 176 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,453 - And then I had her put it on. - OK. 177 00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:41,688 - Not because it was sexy. 178 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,962 I thought she might... - Walter. 179 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:43,857 - Finally... - Walter. 180 00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:44,692 - Do some... - Walter. 181 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,426 - Fucking housework. - Walter! 182 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,201 You really are trying to get me canceled. 183 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,336 - No, I'm trying to get my fucking house cleaned. 184 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:56,670 - Please! 185 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:57,971 Say good night, Walter. 186 00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:00,774 - Thanks, Tampa Bay! 187 00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:01,808 - Thanks, Walter. 188 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,819 - This next guy is from somewhere down south 189 00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:12,452 in the U.S. 190 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,554 Please help me welcome Bubba J. 191 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,797 - How you doing Bubba J? - I'm doing purdy good! 192 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,879 - So what's been going on with you lately? 193 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:33,006 - Well, last week I went to my best friend's wedding. 194 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,141 - That's nice. - Yeah. 195 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:37,611 It was a combination wedding and gender reveal party. 196 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,648 - Oh. - Yeah. 197 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:44,217 He was very happy to find out that she really was a woman. 198 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:57,030 Yeah, always a nail-biter, right, guys? 199 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,268 - And how's your family? - They're all good. 200 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:04,137 - Yeah, and, uh, what's your wife's name? 201 00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:07,274 - Uh... 202 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,075 - Bubba J? 203 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,678 - Oh, no, that's my name. 204 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,648 - But she's doing well? - Yeah, she's great. 205 00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:16,125 - You two have a lot in common, don't you? 206 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,985 - Yeah, we're made for each other. 207 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,219 - I bet. - Yeah, you know, 208 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,923 we both got the exact same results in our DNA tests. 209 00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,902 - Bubba J, how can you be so smart on one hand, 210 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,833 and so stupid on the other? 211 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,301 - Well, you're half of it. 212 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,484 - Well, you know, Bubba J, during the show tonight 213 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:44,244 we've been talking about that romantic day in February. 214 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,179 - Yeah, Groundhog Day. 215 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,183 - No, it's a romantic day. - Romantic? 216 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,086 - Yeah, February 14th is the day for lovers. 217 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,689 - Oh. - Lovers. 218 00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:59,226 You mean the day you watch the no-no channels? 219 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,463 - The no-no channels? - Yes. 220 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,867 Like, "no-no, you're not doing that to me." 221 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,538 - No. - No, not "no." 222 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,640 It's no-no. 223 00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:17,577 - I'm talking about romance. - So am I. 224 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,156 - Do you and your wife ever watch 225 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,682 actual sweet romantic movies? - Like what? 226 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:25,485 - You know, things like where the guy gets the girl. 227 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,020 - Oh, yeah, like Freddy Krueger? 228 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,054 Oh, yeah, yeah. 229 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,190 - No. - I don't know. 230 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,492 - Come on, what first attracted you to your wife? 231 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,561 - Well, she's really hot. 232 00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:35,428 - OK. - Yeah. 233 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,397 And she's really big. - Oh. 234 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,000 - Yeah, so it was gravity. - Yeah... oh. 235 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:45,705 - Yeah, if she spins around too fast, she'll suck you right in. 236 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,142 - And how's the romance between you two? 237 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:50,243 - Oh, it's purdy good. 238 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:51,277 - Yeah? - Yeah. 239 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,947 In fact, one of your little boys taught me something. 240 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,349 - What's that? 241 00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:00,854 - ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 242 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,659 - So when you proposed, 243 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:09,196 did you ask her father for her hand in marriage? 244 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,664 - I sure did. I called him up and I go, 245 00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:14,201 "hey, Uncle Phil, it's me, Bubba J." 246 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,543 And you know our wedding was half the cost 247 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,979 of the average wedding. - How's that? 248 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,547 - Huh! Just one family. 249 00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:39,126 Yeah, the whole left side of the church was empty. 250 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:40,159 Oh. 251 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,372 You ever go out with your wife for a romantic evening 252 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:45,198 and whisper sweet nothings in her ear? 253 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,934 - What's a sweet nothing? 254 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,068 Oh, I know. 255 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,803 Diet Coke. 256 00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:54,007 - No, sweet nothings are just flattering things 257 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,143 that you say softly to someone you love. 258 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,377 - Oh, yeah, like, 259 00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,847 "you're as hot as your mother." 260 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,084 Hey, hey! 261 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,419 He thinks this crap up, not me. 262 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:12,692 My wife is beautiful, though. - That's very sweet. 263 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:14,461 And what makes her beautiful? 264 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,596 - Six beers. - No. 265 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,000 - OK, less if the light is dim. 266 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,033 All right. 267 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:24,004 And how dim should it be for you to look good to her? 268 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,039 Total frickin' darkness. 269 00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,409 - How's the rest of your family doing? 270 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,820 - They're good. - How's your sister? 271 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,045 - She just got married. 272 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,514 - Oh, really? So she got hit by Cupid's arrow. 273 00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:35,315 No. 274 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,684 Our yard guy needed citizenship. 275 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:44,691 - That's not right. 276 00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,894 - You think they'll leave that joke in your show? 277 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:47,927 - I... 278 00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:49,897 I doubt it. 279 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,731 - Olé! - All right. 280 00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,803 So I know your birthday is coming up. 281 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,405 You're gonna get a little TLC? 282 00:13:58,906 --> 00:14:01,041 Jeff, it's spelled KFC. 283 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,878 You should come over next weekend. 284 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,413 I'm barbecuing a turkey. 285 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:07,948 - Oh, you love doing that, don't you? 286 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,582 - Yeah, and we may or may not 287 00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,518 have some skinny dipping going on. 288 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:12,685 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 289 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:14,421 ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow 290 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:15,454 What? 291 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,172 Bubba J, where did you learn to talk like that? 292 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,999 - Oh, you drink as much as I do, you fucking learn. 293 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,033 - All right. 294 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,239 So, Bubba J, how about your favorite part of the show? 295 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,240 - OK, great. 296 00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,275 This is the part where you get to hear 297 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,811 what I think about stuff after I've had one too many. 298 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:41,949 Or maybe five, or eight, or the whole keg. 299 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,049 - All right. - Yeah. 300 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,116 - All right. 301 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:49,289 - So welcome to the Valentine's edition of 302 00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:52,825 Bubba J's Drinkin' and Thinkin'. 303 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,631 ♪ ♪ 304 00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:00,500 Oh, I like the music. 305 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,535 - Yeah. - Yeah, puts me in the mood. 306 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:03,803 - Oh, mood for what? 307 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:07,340 ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 308 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,708 - Just go. - OK. 309 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,910 Drinkin' and Thinkin'. 310 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,846 For Valentine's Day, my wife said 311 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,848 she wanted her favorite flower. 312 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,884 So I gave her Bisquick. 313 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:26,159 ♪ 314 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,430 The first time someone wished me "happy VD," 315 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,765 I thought, "how the hell did they know?" 316 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:40,640 When a woman says that I must love her from afar, 317 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,544 what that really means is that she filed a restraining order. 318 00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:49,482 One-night stands make me feel empty. 319 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,985 - Yeah. - Which means it went great. 320 00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:59,326 - I'm sorry. 321 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:06,133 - Guys, never get involved with a farm animal. 322 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,968 - What? - I know, I know. 323 00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,570 Moo means moo. 324 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,210 When a woman asks you if you know 325 00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:18,878 the quickest way to her heart, 326 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:22,715 don't do what I did and stick your head between her tatas. 327 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:28,288 That was the worst ever birthday for Grandma. 328 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:31,791 Oh, too far? 329 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,793 Yeah, too far? 330 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:34,826 - Too far. - Yeah. 331 00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,468 Oh, wait, it's Grandma. 332 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,140 - Say good night, Bubba J. 333 00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,809 - Happy Valentines, Tampa! 334 00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,618 - He's purple, he's wacky. 335 00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,557 Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut! 336 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:14,101 ♪ ♪ 337 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,283 - How are you doing, Peanut? - Doing pretty good. 338 00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:21,273 How about you? - I'm fine. 339 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,810 - That's good, that's good, that's good! 340 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,147 Ha-ha! - Cut it out. 341 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,548 - ♪ I'm a little asshole, short and stout ♪ 342 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,183 ♪ This is my handle, I can't show you my spout ♪ 343 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:33,220 - Ha-ha! - Stop it! 344 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,689 Peanut! - Jeff-fa-fa! 345 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,525 - Do you know why we're here? - I do. 346 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,236 - We've been talking about Valentine's Day. 347 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,328 - I have been listening, 348 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:42,938 and you have finally come to the right guy 349 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:44,731 to talk about romance, my man. 350 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,733 - You? - Yes, me. For example: 351 00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:49,202 that is not just a suitcase you got me out of. 352 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,236 - No? - No! 353 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,106 That, my friend, is where I take the ladies. 354 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,711 - What? - That is the Luggage of Love. 355 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,449 - The luggage? - Of Love. 356 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,083 And you know it by the music. 357 00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:04,984 - The music? - Yeah. 358 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,421 ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 359 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,524 - Peanut, no one but you can fit inside that suitcase. 360 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,360 - Oh, you'd be surprised. 361 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,629 - Maybe just and José Jalapeño. 362 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:24,404 On a stick. 363 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,640 - OK, don't be gross. 364 00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,443 I refuse to allow a stick in my box. 365 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:38,477 I-I just said that out loud, didn't I? 366 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,687 - Yeah, you did. - Yeah. 367 00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,556 - Well, I meant it. Both ways. - All right. 368 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,827 Have you been on any dates lately? 369 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,962 - Well, I think about it a lot. 370 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,398 - You think about going on dates? 371 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,431 - Yeah, I do. 372 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,201 I try and figure out how to make it happen 373 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,102 without you being there too! 374 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,938 - Right. - It's not easy. 375 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,540 I just seem to lay there. 376 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:03,610 - It's not funny! 377 00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,745 It's like my own "Toy Story" hell. 378 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,684 And no Woody. 379 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,123 Wha... 380 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,761 - Maybe a little Buzz. - All right. 381 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,431 - But I'm looking good, right, ladies? 382 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,737 That is Fifty Shades of Purple right there. 383 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:34,574 ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪ 384 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:38,345 - Look, Valentine's Day. It's the holiday of love. 385 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,447 - It is about love, isn't it? - Of course. 386 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,016 And who is that extra special person in your life right now? 387 00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:46,486 - Well. 388 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,787 - Is there someone? 389 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:50,155 No. 390 00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:58,931 Thank you. 391 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,734 - I'm really sorry. - I know. 392 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,536 But look at you. - Yeah. 393 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,705 - And Walter. And Bubba J. 394 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,374 You all have someone. 395 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:09,542 - You know, maybe José could help you. 396 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,143 - Help me what? - Find a date. 397 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,313 Wait, you're serious? 398 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,315 - Well, I've heard... - You've heard what? 399 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:16,816 - He's Latin. - So? 400 00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:19,218 - You know, a Latin lover. - On a stick? 401 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:21,921 - Why don't we ask him? - Oh, no. 402 00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:23,266 - Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome 403 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,558 José Jalapeño on a Stick. 404 00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:31,963 Good evening, José. 405 00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:34,133 - Buenas noches, Señor Jeff. 406 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,135 And others. 407 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,739 - He's not, uh, happy with me right now. 408 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,374 - We are not speaking. 409 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,410 - Why not? - Don't worry about it. 410 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,445 - He ate my cousin Julio. 411 00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,584 - You ate his cousin Julio? 412 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:52,961 - Well, how was I supposed to know? 413 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,854 He was just laying there next to the dip. 414 00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,958 Not saying anything. I thought he was a popper. 415 00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:03,663 - I don't want to talk to you. 416 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:08,601 - Oh, OK, I'm... I'm actually... really sorry, José. 417 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,270 - He died doing what he loved most. 418 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,506 - What was that? - Burning your mouth. 419 00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,209 - He did do that. - Right. 420 00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:18,945 - And later your ass. 421 00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:23,115 - I'll let you know. - OK. 422 00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:26,819 So, José, you think you can help Peanut get a date? 423 00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:28,721 - Sí, I know women. - You? 424 00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:31,324 I have never seen you with a woman! 425 00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:33,326 You're in that box all day long. 426 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,895 - Sí, but many of the times, I am not alone. 427 00:21:35,928 --> 00:21:38,698 - Oh, come on. Who gets in there with you? 428 00:21:38,731 --> 00:21:39,866 - Ask your mother. 429 00:21:39,899 --> 00:21:40,899 - Hey! 430 00:21:42,268 --> 00:21:44,704 - What the hell? - All right. 431 00:21:44,737 --> 00:21:45,572 - Did you hear that? - Yeah. 432 00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:48,007 - I'll deep fry his ass. - No. 433 00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:49,709 - And his stick. - Steeck. 434 00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:50,743 - Whatever. - Calm down. 435 00:21:50,777 --> 00:21:52,311 - He said he was with my mother! 436 00:21:52,345 --> 00:21:52,979 - I know. 437 00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:54,747 - My mother can't fit in José's box. 438 00:21:54,781 --> 00:21:56,649 - No, but José can fit in your mother's... 439 00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:57,816 - All right! 440 00:22:00,286 --> 00:22:01,588 - What the hell? 441 00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:04,557 I'm... 442 00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:06,125 - I'm gonna slice him up and serve him 443 00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,160 on our next plate of frickin' nachos. 444 00:22:09,061 --> 00:22:10,797 - And that's when I burn your ass. 445 00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:12,264 - You can't! - Yes, I can. 446 00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:13,700 - I don't have an ass! 447 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,404 It's an elbow. 448 00:22:24,243 --> 00:22:26,112 - That sounds much worse than a stick. 449 00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:28,415 All ri... 450 00:22:28,448 --> 00:22:31,083 - I thought this was gonna be a lot more fun. 451 00:22:31,918 --> 00:22:33,453 - That's what I said to your mother. 452 00:22:33,486 --> 00:22:34,421 - Hey! - All right! 453 00:22:34,454 --> 00:22:35,788 Wait... wait a minute. 454 00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:38,725 - I bet your mother had a steeck. 455 00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:40,460 - Not as big as your sister's. 456 00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:43,329 - Oh, will you stop it, both of you? 457 00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:45,664 Say good night, José. 458 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,300 - I am José Jalapeño. - On a Stick. 459 00:22:48,334 --> 00:22:49,334 - There he is. - Hey! 460 00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:52,639 - All right. 461 00:22:56,308 --> 00:22:57,820 - All right, look, Peanut, have you ever tried 462 00:22:57,844 --> 00:22:59,446 online dating? - Well? 463 00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:00,823 - I thought that maybe we could help you out 464 00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:02,591 by filling out a profile on one of those sites 465 00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,484 and see how it goes. - Oh, OK. 466 00:23:04,517 --> 00:23:05,818 - I pulled up the site. - Yeah. 467 00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,219 - And let's enter your profile. 468 00:23:07,253 --> 00:23:08,296 Let's see what happens. - OK. 469 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,356 - So for example, OK, uh, name. 470 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,725 - OK, first name, Pea, last name Nut. 471 00:23:16,596 --> 00:23:18,073 - That's not right. - There's two blanks. 472 00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:18,798 What are you gonna do? 473 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,132 Initial P then last name? 474 00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:23,835 Sound like you're talking backwards. 475 00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:30,309 - Height? - Six four. 476 00:23:33,179 --> 00:23:34,647 - You're like two four. 477 00:23:34,681 --> 00:23:37,083 - Objects in mirror are larger than they appear. 478 00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,353 - OK, now it's asking your relationship intent. 479 00:23:41,387 --> 00:23:42,855 Is it long term, short term, 480 00:23:42,889 --> 00:23:45,224 short but open to long term, not sure. 481 00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:48,561 - Is there a checkbox for "wham, bam, thank you ma'am"? 482 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,866 - OK, sexual orientation. 483 00:23:54,133 --> 00:23:55,602 - Upside down. - No. 484 00:23:57,203 --> 00:23:58,037 - Sideways? - No. 485 00:23:58,070 --> 00:23:59,806 - About face. - Stop it. 486 00:24:00,172 --> 00:24:01,172 That's what she said. 487 00:24:01,974 --> 00:24:03,576 I have no idea what you're doing! 488 00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:04,730 - She also said that. - Wh... 489 00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:07,747 what do I enter? - He said that. 490 00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:08,780 - Stop it! 491 00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:13,252 Income? - What? 492 00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,420 - Income. - Outcome? 493 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:16,055 - What? - Income, outcome. How come? 494 00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:18,925 - Read this, right there. 495 00:24:19,492 --> 00:24:21,327 - Uh, "the amount of money you make anally." 496 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:22,360 - Annually! 497 00:24:25,364 --> 00:24:26,933 - Oh, that's way different. 498 00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:32,572 It's amazing how one little missing U can rock your world. 499 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,142 And make it difficult to walk. 500 00:24:41,581 --> 00:24:43,291 OK, we've now gotten to the part of the show 501 00:24:43,315 --> 00:24:45,217 that I'm not really sure about, Peanut. 502 00:24:45,251 --> 00:24:47,286 - What's that? - Well, as the audience knows, 503 00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,590 before the show started, many of them were given these cards 504 00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,792 and asked to write you questions about 505 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,060 love and relationships, 506 00:24:54,093 --> 00:24:55,895 anything to do with Valentines. - Yep. 507 00:24:55,928 --> 00:24:58,464 - So, uh, where is... 508 00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,132 all right, I can't read the first name. 509 00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:01,166 Is it "Fru..." 510 00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:04,670 Fr... person: Frank! 511 00:25:04,737 --> 00:25:05,772 - Oh, Frank? 512 00:25:06,105 --> 00:25:07,339 - It looks like "Fruck." 513 00:25:09,676 --> 00:25:10,910 - All right, Frank. 514 00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:13,112 "Dear Peanut, I got my wife these tickets 515 00:25:13,145 --> 00:25:15,915 for our 10th anniversary. Is this enough?" 516 00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:20,286 - Let's see, 25th anniversary is silver, 50th is gold, 517 00:25:20,319 --> 00:25:23,690 and 10th is warm beer and a puppet show. 518 00:25:23,723 --> 00:25:24,791 Yes, you're a good, Frank. 519 00:25:29,896 --> 00:25:31,063 - John Simmons. 520 00:25:31,330 --> 00:25:33,666 "Dear Peanut, are children with peanut allergies 521 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:34,934 allowed to play with you?" 522 00:25:37,604 --> 00:25:39,438 - Oh, ha, ha, ha. 523 00:25:40,506 --> 00:25:43,275 Yes, they are. Deal with the itch, bitch. 524 00:25:43,309 --> 00:25:44,410 - Oh, that's... 525 00:25:48,648 --> 00:25:49,716 Kate and Sherry. 526 00:25:50,316 --> 00:25:52,318 "Dear Peanut, what advice would you give 527 00:25:52,351 --> 00:25:54,253 "a married lesbian couple 528 00:25:54,286 --> 00:25:57,423 that's been with each other for 14 years?" 529 00:25:58,390 --> 00:25:59,592 - Do you know? - No. 530 00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:00,392 - I don't know either. 531 00:26:00,627 --> 00:26:03,195 Clearly, we don't have anything you need. 532 00:26:13,439 --> 00:26:14,874 - Where are Dennis and Cathy? 533 00:26:15,642 --> 00:26:16,809 Aw! "Dear Peanut, 534 00:26:16,843 --> 00:26:21,047 "we reconnected at our 56th class reunion two years ago. 535 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,514 Should we get married?" 536 00:26:25,618 --> 00:26:26,953 - I guess so. 537 00:26:27,053 --> 00:26:29,021 Are you the last two left? 538 00:26:36,162 --> 00:26:37,930 Happy Valentine's Day. 539 00:26:39,832 --> 00:26:41,167 - Uh, John McLendon. 540 00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:43,569 "Dear Peanut, after 20 plus years of marriage, 541 00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,972 "how can I get my wife to, you know, want to, 542 00:26:46,005 --> 00:26:48,708 "you know, have, um, well, you know, sex? 543 00:26:48,741 --> 00:26:50,042 Any thoughts?" 544 00:26:50,743 --> 00:26:52,611 - Well, John, clearly from this question, 545 00:26:52,645 --> 00:26:54,814 it shows you like to beat around the bush. 546 00:26:59,819 --> 00:27:01,253 And there's your problem. 547 00:27:01,921 --> 00:27:04,757 - Say good night, Peanut. 548 00:27:11,330 --> 00:27:14,166 - There's a character that has been in my act for many years, 549 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:15,434 but for various reasons, 550 00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,136 he has now been all but banned 551 00:27:17,169 --> 00:27:19,338 from any new television programming. 552 00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:27,379 And because of all that, he is not with us here tonight. 553 00:27:30,049 --> 00:27:31,283 However! 554 00:27:31,951 --> 00:27:34,854 It seems that he has a distant cousin... 555 00:27:36,823 --> 00:27:39,692 a long-lost relative who apparently is immortal 556 00:27:39,726 --> 00:27:41,160 and Greek and a god. 557 00:27:41,193 --> 00:27:42,838 Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome 558 00:27:42,862 --> 00:27:44,931 the Greek god, Achimedes. 559 00:27:48,034 --> 00:27:50,402 ♪ ♪ 560 00:28:00,813 --> 00:28:04,884 Greetings, mortal human infidels! 561 00:28:08,587 --> 00:28:09,621 It is I! 562 00:28:10,289 --> 00:28:11,289 What's my name? 563 00:28:12,992 --> 00:28:16,495 - Achimedes. - Achimedes! 564 00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,431 I am the ancient Greek god of keeler love. 565 00:28:21,333 --> 00:28:22,634 - What... what's killer love? 566 00:28:22,668 --> 00:28:24,203 - Not killer, keeler! 567 00:28:24,771 --> 00:28:25,571 - Keeler. - Yes. 568 00:28:25,604 --> 00:28:27,506 - And where are you from, Achimedes? 569 00:28:27,639 --> 00:28:28,941 - Uh... 570 00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,043 - Mount Olympus. - Mm... what? 571 00:28:33,079 --> 00:28:34,280 - Yes. - OK. 572 00:28:34,313 --> 00:28:35,848 Mount the platypus! 573 00:28:37,950 --> 00:28:38,450 - No. - What? 574 00:28:38,484 --> 00:28:39,786 - Mount Olympus. 575 00:28:39,819 --> 00:28:41,520 - Yes, don't forget the puss. 576 00:28:44,290 --> 00:28:46,793 I am from the mountain of platypuses! 577 00:28:46,826 --> 00:28:47,826 - No. 578 00:28:48,795 --> 00:28:49,561 - Platy-pussies? 579 00:28:49,595 --> 00:28:50,629 - No, no! No! 580 00:28:54,700 --> 00:28:56,602 - I'm not sure I can say that. - Just forget it. 581 00:28:56,635 --> 00:28:57,635 - Silence! 582 00:28:59,505 --> 00:29:00,572 I love you. 583 00:29:09,615 --> 00:29:10,682 - Really? - Yes. 584 00:29:10,716 --> 00:29:12,852 It's "silence! I love you." 585 00:29:15,121 --> 00:29:16,431 - That's different. - Yes, I know. 586 00:29:16,455 --> 00:29:18,424 I call it keeler love. 587 00:29:18,457 --> 00:29:19,458 - OK. - Yeah. 588 00:29:19,826 --> 00:29:22,094 - I got it. - I keel you! With love. 589 00:29:23,796 --> 00:29:25,998 - And what is your job, Achimedes? 590 00:29:26,032 --> 00:29:27,499 - I am a god. 591 00:29:27,533 --> 00:29:29,902 - I didn't know that being a god was a job. 592 00:29:29,936 --> 00:29:32,171 - And I didn't know that talking to dolls was a job, 593 00:29:32,204 --> 00:29:33,472 but here we fricking are. 594 00:29:37,877 --> 00:29:39,245 - So you're not dead? 595 00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:41,013 - No. I am immoral. 596 00:29:43,983 --> 00:29:45,684 - What? - Immortal. 597 00:29:45,717 --> 00:29:48,354 - I... what? I don't know that word in English. 598 00:29:49,188 --> 00:29:50,923 - It means you live forever. 599 00:29:51,223 --> 00:29:52,223 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 600 00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:54,760 - That's a thing? - Yeah. 601 00:29:55,127 --> 00:29:57,396 - I love this country so much! 602 00:29:59,198 --> 00:30:00,232 - But you're not dead. 603 00:30:00,266 --> 00:30:02,334 - No, I am not dead. Do I look dead? 604 00:30:02,368 --> 00:30:03,368 - Well, yes. - Silence! 605 00:30:05,004 --> 00:30:06,004 I love you. 606 00:30:08,574 --> 00:30:09,608 - I have to be honest. 607 00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:11,810 That "I love you" thing just feels wrong to me. 608 00:30:13,045 --> 00:30:14,085 - You're doing great. - OK. 609 00:30:14,113 --> 00:30:16,849 - If you're a Greek god, why are you here on Earth? 610 00:30:17,984 --> 00:30:19,085 - I don't know. 611 00:30:19,785 --> 00:30:22,088 We didn't talk about that. Stick to the script. 612 00:30:23,990 --> 00:30:24,723 - Just... just go with it. - What? 613 00:30:24,891 --> 00:30:26,325 - Just go with it, ad lib. 614 00:30:26,692 --> 00:30:27,692 - OK. 615 00:30:28,027 --> 00:30:30,429 - So, Achimedes, why are you here? 616 00:30:30,696 --> 00:30:33,465 - Uh, to play Powerball. 617 00:30:36,468 --> 00:30:38,570 - What? - Well, you said to ad lib. 618 00:30:38,604 --> 00:30:40,272 The jackpot is huge! 619 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:45,044 And you know us Greek gods, we love to gamble. 620 00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:47,446 Right? - I don't know. 621 00:30:47,479 --> 00:30:48,647 - Damn it, just go with it! 622 00:30:50,582 --> 00:30:52,284 Quick, what's a good gambling game? 623 00:30:52,684 --> 00:30:53,684 - Uh, craps. 624 00:30:53,785 --> 00:30:54,785 - What? 625 00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:57,389 - Craps. - Are you kidding? 626 00:30:57,423 --> 00:30:58,457 - No. - That's a game? 627 00:30:58,490 --> 00:31:00,126 - Yeah, it's huge in Vegas. 628 00:31:00,159 --> 00:31:01,493 - Gross, OK. 629 00:31:03,595 --> 00:31:08,200 Yes, my favorite thing to do in Las Vegas is to take a crap. 630 00:31:08,234 --> 00:31:09,234 - No. 631 00:31:11,437 --> 00:31:12,871 - What? 632 00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:14,372 What? 633 00:31:15,674 --> 00:31:17,376 "Give a crap"? - No, no. 634 00:31:18,177 --> 00:31:19,778 - I don't give a crap. - No. 635 00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:23,249 "To play craps." - That's worse. 636 00:31:24,650 --> 00:31:27,019 You're like monkeys in a zoo. What the hell, dude? 637 00:31:29,121 --> 00:31:31,757 Hey, by the way, did you see my new friend? 638 00:31:31,790 --> 00:31:33,092 - Your new friend? - No. 639 00:31:33,325 --> 00:31:35,127 Uh, over there in the case. Get her out. 640 00:31:35,928 --> 00:31:37,029 - Over here? - Yeah. 641 00:31:37,930 --> 00:31:38,930 - OK. 642 00:31:45,637 --> 00:31:46,672 What... what is this? 643 00:31:46,705 --> 00:31:48,807 - Not what, who. 644 00:31:49,675 --> 00:31:51,978 - Sorry. - You'll hurt her feelings. 645 00:31:53,212 --> 00:31:54,613 It's my little sheep. 646 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:55,913 - Oh. 647 00:31:56,815 --> 00:31:57,483 A ewe? 648 00:31:57,516 --> 00:31:57,984 - A what? 649 00:31:58,017 --> 00:31:59,017 - A ewe? 650 00:32:00,552 --> 00:32:03,089 - Yes, it's a-me. Are we a-speaking Italian now? 651 00:32:06,959 --> 00:32:07,959 - No, she's a ewe. 652 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:09,528 - No, she's a-not a-me. 653 00:32:09,561 --> 00:32:10,796 I a-mean she's a her. 654 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,102 - No, she is a ewe. - She is not a-me. 655 00:32:16,135 --> 00:32:17,536 What is a-wrong with a-you? 656 00:32:18,737 --> 00:32:19,538 - I don't know. 657 00:32:19,571 --> 00:32:20,815 What's wrong with the ewe? - What? 658 00:32:20,839 --> 00:32:22,484 - You just said there's something wrong with the ewe. 659 00:32:22,508 --> 00:32:24,076 - No, I didn't. I'm fine! 660 00:32:24,710 --> 00:32:25,877 - Not you, her. 661 00:32:25,911 --> 00:32:27,546 - You? What, now me? 662 00:32:27,813 --> 00:32:28,813 What the fuck? 663 00:32:33,685 --> 00:32:35,454 A female sheep is a ewe. 664 00:32:35,487 --> 00:32:37,356 - No, she's a-not a-me, 665 00:32:37,389 --> 00:32:39,992 and stop a-making a-fun of the Italianos! 666 00:32:43,262 --> 00:32:44,263 - Can I pet your ewe? 667 00:32:49,268 --> 00:32:50,469 Do not touch me! 668 00:32:51,703 --> 00:32:53,739 - Not you, that ewe. 669 00:32:53,772 --> 00:32:56,275 - What? - Your ewe has very nice wool. 670 00:32:56,308 --> 00:32:57,308 - What? 671 00:32:58,577 --> 00:33:00,479 And you are a pervert! 672 00:33:03,049 --> 00:33:05,017 - So otherwise, uh, how's it... 673 00:33:05,051 --> 00:33:06,585 how's it going being a Greek god? 674 00:33:06,618 --> 00:33:07,695 - Actually, it's not too bad. 675 00:33:07,719 --> 00:33:08,487 - Really? - Yeah. 676 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,056 It's so much fun being famous. 677 00:33:10,089 --> 00:33:10,989 - I bet. - Yeah. 678 00:33:11,023 --> 00:33:12,624 Folks now stop me on the street. 679 00:33:12,658 --> 00:33:15,361 They asked me for my autograph, they want to take selfies. 680 00:33:15,394 --> 00:33:16,838 - I would think that looking like you do, 681 00:33:16,862 --> 00:33:18,040 people would be afraid of you. 682 00:33:18,064 --> 00:33:19,064 Of course they are. 683 00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:23,335 - Oh, so you're saying it's good being Achimedes. 684 00:33:23,369 --> 00:33:25,537 - Oh, no, no. They think I'm Nancy Pelosi. 685 00:33:38,184 --> 00:33:41,420 I mean, look at us! The resemblance is uncanny. 686 00:33:44,290 --> 00:33:45,290 Achimedes. 687 00:33:46,792 --> 00:33:48,160 I forgot you were here. 688 00:33:49,728 --> 00:33:51,297 I would like to do this act solo. 689 00:33:51,330 --> 00:33:53,031 - Really? - Yes, I do not need you. 690 00:33:53,065 --> 00:33:54,800 - Oh, I think you do, but you can do what... 691 00:34:05,577 --> 00:34:06,577 - Holy crap. 692 00:34:09,581 --> 00:34:10,382 Did my arm just fall off? 693 00:34:10,416 --> 00:34:14,320 - Yeah. - What are you doing? 694 00:34:14,353 --> 00:34:16,355 - Well, I got to kick it over into place. 695 00:34:16,922 --> 00:34:18,757 - Ow! You stepped on my pinkie. 696 00:34:18,790 --> 00:34:21,693 How the hell did I know that? - I don't know. 697 00:34:21,827 --> 00:34:23,462 I'm gonna have to get down on one knee. 698 00:34:24,463 --> 00:34:25,664 This is so sudden. 699 00:34:25,697 --> 00:34:26,697 - No. 700 00:34:31,170 --> 00:34:32,170 - Put it back. 701 00:34:32,204 --> 00:34:33,672 - All right, just hang on a second. 702 00:34:33,871 --> 00:34:34,871 - Come on. 703 00:34:35,940 --> 00:34:37,876 - I don't know how this goes in here. 704 00:34:39,710 --> 00:34:41,012 - That's what she said. 705 00:34:46,485 --> 00:34:47,186 - All right. OK. 706 00:34:47,219 --> 00:34:48,887 So I think the next thing... 707 00:35:02,201 --> 00:35:03,869 - Son of a bitch, don't drop me. 708 00:35:03,902 --> 00:35:05,003 - I'm trying not to. 709 00:35:05,404 --> 00:35:07,473 - Put 'em back! - I'm... I'm working on it. 710 00:35:07,506 --> 00:35:08,674 Here, let's put these here. 711 00:35:13,745 --> 00:35:17,283 That does not go there! - Stop. 712 00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:20,986 - What the hell, dude? 713 00:35:21,086 --> 00:35:23,389 Look like I had a five-fingered wiener. 714 00:35:26,024 --> 00:35:27,426 I don't have that. - No. 715 00:35:28,894 --> 00:35:32,898 - But if I did, my underwear would fit like a glove. 716 00:35:38,337 --> 00:35:40,872 - Put it back! - I'm working on it. 717 00:35:42,374 --> 00:35:44,142 - And fix my feet, asshole. - OK. 718 00:35:45,544 --> 00:35:46,788 All right, there. All right, there's good. 719 00:35:46,812 --> 00:35:47,812 All right, here we go. 720 00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:51,149 - Son of a bitch! 721 00:35:52,351 --> 00:35:53,819 What am I, a fucking clock? 722 00:35:57,055 --> 00:35:58,790 I don't know if I'm coming or going. 723 00:36:00,091 --> 00:36:01,059 - OK, just sit still. 724 00:36:01,092 --> 00:36:02,494 - Take your hand off my wiener. 725 00:36:13,405 --> 00:36:14,405 What? 726 00:36:19,345 --> 00:36:20,779 - You... you don't have a... 727 00:36:20,812 --> 00:36:22,214 - I know, I know, I know. 728 00:36:23,782 --> 00:36:25,417 It's not there. - OK. 729 00:36:26,918 --> 00:36:28,987 I lost it in an explos... 730 00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:33,024 sive game of poker. 731 00:36:33,124 --> 00:36:36,295 You... 732 00:36:39,030 --> 00:36:41,367 you lost... - My wiener in a poker game. 733 00:36:44,536 --> 00:36:46,137 You should have seen the other guy. 734 00:36:49,841 --> 00:36:52,010 - So I was talking about Valentine's Day earlier. 735 00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:54,045 Do you do anything special on Valentine's Day? 736 00:36:54,079 --> 00:36:56,682 - I have a romantic dinner with my wives. 737 00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:58,617 - Oh, Greek gods have wives. 738 00:36:58,650 --> 00:37:00,185 - Yes, wives and virgins. 739 00:37:00,286 --> 00:37:01,620 - Mm. What's the difference? 740 00:37:04,756 --> 00:37:07,092 - I call it "graduation." 741 00:37:09,194 --> 00:37:12,364 - But don't you have one particular favorite sweetheart? 742 00:37:12,398 --> 00:37:14,032 - Well, it's not easy to say. 743 00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:16,067 - The one you like spending the most time with. 744 00:37:16,435 --> 00:37:17,503 Oh, yes, of course. 745 00:37:17,536 --> 00:37:19,871 She's the greatest of all time. 746 00:37:19,905 --> 00:37:22,374 - Ah, the greatest of all time. She's the G.O.A.T. 747 00:37:30,349 --> 00:37:36,087 Yes. 748 00:37:37,323 --> 00:37:38,424 - But, Achimedes, are there 749 00:37:38,457 --> 00:37:40,726 any actual people that you like? 750 00:37:41,327 --> 00:37:42,327 - Well... 751 00:37:43,228 --> 00:37:44,228 I like you. 752 00:37:45,964 --> 00:37:47,333 - Me? - Yeah. 753 00:37:48,233 --> 00:37:50,001 I think you are my best friend. 754 00:37:51,737 --> 00:37:52,738 - Well, thank you. 755 00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:55,173 - And isn't Valentine's Day when you say that? 756 00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:56,908 - Well, you can say that at any time but 757 00:37:56,942 --> 00:37:59,678 yeah, friends can be recognized on Valentine's Day too. 758 00:37:59,711 --> 00:38:01,112 - OK. And I... 759 00:38:01,647 --> 00:38:04,916 I kinda need you. - Well, thank you. 760 00:38:04,950 --> 00:38:07,519 - I mean, 'cause otherwise I might fall off of this thing. 761 00:38:09,254 --> 00:38:11,256 - Right. - But it's more than that. 762 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:12,190 - Thank you. 763 00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:13,625 And I feel the same way. 764 00:38:14,660 --> 00:38:15,660 Thanks. 765 00:38:19,965 --> 00:38:23,469 ♪ I can't live 766 00:38:23,569 --> 00:38:26,605 ♪ If living is without you ♪ 767 00:38:26,705 --> 00:38:29,307 ♪ I can't live ♪ 768 00:38:29,408 --> 00:38:34,212 ♪ I can't give any more ♪ 769 00:38:35,847 --> 00:38:37,048 - What are you laughing at? 770 00:38:37,816 --> 00:38:40,652 - Well, sometimes I ad lib myself into a corner, 771 00:38:40,686 --> 00:38:42,326 and don't quite know how to get out of it. 772 00:38:46,558 --> 00:38:48,560 So. 773 00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:51,563 - Yeah, it's a little awkward. 774 00:38:51,763 --> 00:38:52,763 - Little bit. - Yeah. 775 00:38:54,099 --> 00:38:55,379 - Uh, what was that song? - What? 776 00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:57,268 - What was the name of that song? 777 00:38:57,302 --> 00:38:58,302 - I don't... wait. 778 00:38:58,937 --> 00:39:01,239 How the hell do I know the lyrics to the song 779 00:39:01,272 --> 00:39:02,541 and you don't know the name? 780 00:39:04,743 --> 00:39:07,813 - I don't know. I... I... I know it's from the '70s. 781 00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:09,681 - Well, thank you, Casey Kasem. 782 00:39:12,751 --> 00:39:14,295 What are you doing? - What's the name of that song? 783 00:39:14,319 --> 00:39:18,089 I got to... 784 00:39:18,123 --> 00:39:19,591 I was right, it was Harry Nilsson. 785 00:39:19,925 --> 00:39:21,627 Uh, yeah, it was "Without You." 786 00:39:21,660 --> 00:39:23,500 - What are you doing? - I just... I don't know. 787 00:39:25,664 --> 00:39:27,799 Play "Without You" by Harry Nilsson. 788 00:39:27,833 --> 00:39:30,235 - You don't have the signal. That is never going to... 789 00:39:30,268 --> 00:39:33,605 oh, you got... 790 00:39:35,541 --> 00:39:38,276 ♪ 791 00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:42,414 - ♪ No, I can't forget this evening ♪ 792 00:39:42,514 --> 00:39:46,184 ♪ Or your face as you were leaving ♪ 793 00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:46,752 ♪ But I guess that's just... 794 00:39:47,185 --> 00:39:48,295 - Oh, look, the phones are coming out. 795 00:39:48,319 --> 00:39:50,889 It's going to be like a rock concert! 796 00:39:50,989 --> 00:39:54,025 - ♪ You always smile, but in your eyes ♪ 797 00:39:54,259 --> 00:39:56,394 - Look at that! - ♪ Your sorrow shows ♪ 798 00:39:56,428 --> 00:39:57,362 You can do that, that's... 799 00:39:57,395 --> 00:39:57,929 - ♪ No, I can't forget tomorrow ♪ 800 00:39:58,363 --> 00:39:59,441 ♪ When I think of all my sorrows ♪ 801 00:39:59,465 --> 00:40:00,331 ♪ When I had you there but then I let you go ♪ 802 00:40:00,332 --> 00:40:08,332 - I love this. I think I'm going to cry! 803 00:40:14,279 --> 00:40:18,917 - ♪ And now it's only fair that I should let you know ♪ 804 00:40:19,384 --> 00:40:21,820 - OK, we're going to have to sing the chorus. 805 00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:25,023 Are you ready? Here it goes, everybody! 806 00:40:27,392 --> 00:40:31,329 - ♪ Oh 807 00:40:42,307 --> 00:40:44,810 ♪ I can't live 808 00:40:44,843 --> 00:40:48,146 ♪ If living is without you 809 00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:51,717 ♪ I can't live 810 00:40:51,750 --> 00:40:55,286 ♪ I can't give any more 811 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:58,590 ♪ I can't live 812 00:40:58,624 --> 00:40:59,124 ♪ If living is without you 813 00:40:59,157 --> 00:40:59,658 ♪ I can't give 814 00:40:59,858 --> 00:41:00,858 ♪ I can't give any more ♪ 815 00:41:00,892 --> 00:41:02,360 Ah, that was fantastic! 816 00:41:05,196 --> 00:41:05,964 Say good night, Achimedes. 817 00:41:05,997 --> 00:41:08,534 - Thanks, Tampa Bay. I love you! 818 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:21,279 ♪ ♪ 819 00:41:21,379 --> 00:41:22,824 - You guys have been an awesome audience. 820 00:41:22,848 --> 00:41:24,215 Thanks for coming out. 821 00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:26,217 Happy Valentines Day, everybody. 822 00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:36,862 ♪ ♪ 823 00:41:53,879 --> 00:41:54,879 - ♪ MTV 58320

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