All language subtitles for Last.Week.Tonight.with.John.Oliver.S11E30.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb_track4_[eng]

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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

I'M JOHN OLIVER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

US.

IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK, FULL OF

HORRENDOUS HEADLINES, FROM

FROM MILLIONS OF BEES KILLED AND

WILDFIRES TO

TO "MARK ZUCKERBERG JUST DROPPED

A SINGLE WITH T-PAIN."

THAT'S REAL, BY THE WAY.

IT'S A COVER OF "GET LOW"-- A

SONG T-PAIN DID NOT ORIGINALLY

SING-- AND YOU'RE NOT READY FOR

HOW BAD IT IS.

FROM THE WINDOWS TO THE

WALLS, 'TIL SWEAT DROPS DOWN MY

BALLS, 'TIL ALL THESE BITCHES

CRAWL, OH SKEET-SKEET,

MOTHERFUCKER, OH, SKEET-SKEET,

GODDAMN.

John: WOW.

THAT MIGHT BE THE WORST THING

I'VE EVER HEARD.

IT SOUNDS LIKE "KIDZ BOP" FOR

ADULTS, WHERE ALL THE SWEARS ARE

INTACT, BUT THERE'S STILL A DEEP

LINGERING SENSE THAT MUSIC WAS A

MISTAKE.

I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO PLAY YOU

ALL OF THAT.

I COULD'VE JUST PLAYED THE WAY

HE SANG "MOTHERFUCKER."

NO, NOT LIKE THAT, DON'T

ENUNCIATE THAT CLEANLY!

IT'S LIKE LISTENING TO A RAP BY

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE VOICE.

IT WAS ALSO A WEEK OF INTENSE

HEADLINES REGARDING TRUMP'S NEW

CABINET APPOINTEES, WHICH WERE

-- EVEN BY HIS LOW STANDARDS--

AWFUL.

FOR HIS AMBASSADOR TO ISRAEL, HE

PICKED A GUY WHO'S SAID THERE'S

"NO SUCH THING AS A

PALESTINIAN."

FOR DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL

INTELLIGENCE, A WOMAN WHO'S

REPEATEDLY PROMOTED RUSSIAN

PROPAGANDA.

FOR SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, A FOX

NEWS HOST WHO-- AMONG MANY

OTHER THINGS-- HAS DEFENDED

SERVICE MEMBERS ACCUSED OF WAR

CRIMES AND SAID WOMEN DON'T

BELONG IN COMBAT.

THE HHS, A CONSPIRACY THEORIST

AND ANTI-VAXXER WITH A WORM IN

HIS BRAIN.

AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, FOR AG,

MATT GAETZ.

A MAN WHO, IN HIGH SCHOOL, WAS

VOTED "MOST LIKELY TO NOT BE

ALLOWED WITHIN 500 FEET OF

HERE."

THAT PICK WAS SO EXTREME, EVEN

CONSERVATIVES FOUND THEMSELVES

AT A LOSS.

WHEN I HEARD THAT MATT GAETZ

WAS PICKED TO BE ATTORNEY

GENERAL, I THREW UP IN MY MOUTH.

I'M PRETTY SURE I CALLED HIM

A CLOWN AND A CHARLATAN.

AND YOU STAND BY THAT.

YEAH.

IT MUST BE THE WORST

NOMINATION FOR A CABINET

POSITION IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

John: I MEAN, IT MIGHT, BUT

GET USED TO IT.

BECAUSE "THE WORST BLANK IN

AMERICAN HISTORY" IS GOING TO BE

THIS ADMINISTRATION'S M.O. GOING

FORWARD.

SO GET READY FOR THE WORST

EASTER EGG ROLL IN AMERICAN

HISTORY.

THE EASTER BUNNY WILL BE ON

FIRE, EVERY EGG WILL BE FILLED

WITH EXPIRED MAYONNAISE, AND ALL

THE KIDS WHO DON'T WIN WILL BE

IMMEDIATELY PUT INTO FOSTER

CARE.

APPARENTLY, WHEN GAETZ WAS

ANNOUNCED THERE WERE AUDIBLE

GASPS BY HOUSE REPUBLICANS.

AND WHEN A REPORTER ASKED

CONGRESSMAN MIKE SIMPSON IF

GAETZ HAD THE EXPERIENCE AND

CHARACTER TO BE AG, HE

RESPONDED, "ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME,

THAT YOU JUST ASKED THAT

QUESTION?

NO!"

WHICH IS OBJECTIVELY THE CORRECT

RESPONSE TO THE IDEA THIS GUY

COULD BE ATTORNEY GENERAL-- A

MAN WHO MY LAWYERS INSIST I

CANNOT CALL "JEFFREY EPSTEIN IF

HE WENT TO SHITTIER BEACHES."

SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.

BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE.

THE HEAD OF GOVERNMENT AFFAIRS

FOR ONE ENVIRONMENTAL ADVOCACY

GROUP TOLD REPORTERS, "LUCKILY,

ALL OUR ENVIRONMENTAL LAWS ARE

OLDER THAN 18 YEARS, SO

REPRESENTATIVE GAETZ SHOULDN'T

HAVE MUCH INTEREST IN THEM."

WHICH IS A SOLID HIT, AND ALSO,

INCREDIBLY GRIM.

BECAUSE AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,

GAETZ WAS THE SUBJECT OF BOTH A

FEDERAL INVESTIGATION INTO SEX

TRAFFICKING-- WHICH CONCLUDED

LAST YEAR WITHOUT CHARGES-- AND

A HOUSE INVESTIGATION INTO

ALLEGATIONS HE ENGAGED IN SEXUAL

MISCONDUCT AND ILLICIT DRUG USE.

THAT REPORT WAS DUE TO BE

RELEASED THIS WEEK, BUT WAS

EFFECTIVELY ENDED WHEN HE

SUDDENLY RESIGNED TO BECOME THE

COUNTRY'S TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT

OFFICER.

MANY ARE CALLING FOR IT TO BE

RELEASED ANYWAY, AND WHILE GAETZ

HAS DENIED ANY ALLEGATIONS,

DAMNING PARTS ARE ALREADY

LEAKING OUT, INCLUDING THAT ONE

WITNESS TESTIFIED TO THE

COMMITTEE THAT GAETZ HAD SEX

WITH HER WHEN SHE WAS 17 AND

ANOTHER TESTIFIED THAT SHE

WITNESSED IT.

AND YET, THERE'S STILL A

QUESTION OF WHETHER REPUBLICAN

SENATORS WILL REJECT GAETZ'S

NOMINATION.

SOME HAVE EXPRESSED RESERVATIONS

-- LISA MURKOWSKI HAS SAID, "I

DON'T THINK IT'S A SERIOUS

NOMINATION FOR ATTORNEY

GENERAL," AND SUSAN COLLINS

SAID, "I WAS SHOCKED BY THE

ANNOUNCEMENT," "I'M SURE THERE

WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS

RAISED AT HIS HEARING."

ALTHOUGH, DON'T READ TOO MUCH

INTO THAT.

AS WE ALL KNOW, THE SUSAN

COLLINS SCALE OF GOVERNMENT

ETHICS GOES, "CONCERNED, BUT

GONNA VOTE FOR HIM," "SHOCKED,

BUT GONNA VOTE FOR HIM,"

"QUESTIONS RAISED, BUT GONNA

VOTE FOR HIM," AND "OUTRAGED,

BUT FUCK IT, STILL GONNA VOTE

FOR HIM."

AND OTHER REPUBLICAN SENATORS

HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE NONCOMMITAL.

DO YOU THINK MATT GAETZ IS

CONFIRMABLE?

WE'LL FOUND OUT, WON'T WE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCERNS

ABOUT IT?

WE'LL SEE.

SENATOR KENNEDY, WHAT DO YOU

THINK OF MATT GAETZ AS ATTORNEY

GENERAL?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

John: YEAH, "HAPPY

THANKSGIVING."

I'D SAY THAT'S THE MOST JARRING

THING THAT KENNEDY COULD'VE SAID

AT THAT MOMENT, BUT I'LL REMIND

YOU, HE COULD HAVE GONE WITH

THIS.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUR

COCK IN MY MOUTH.

John: YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, THAT'S-- THAT'S THE CLIP

THAT KEEPS ON GIVING, AND

THAT YOU NEVER EVER WANT.

AND LOOK, a LOT CAN HAPPEN WITH

THESE NOMINATIONS BETWEEN NOW

AND INAUGURATION DAY.

SO FOR NOW, LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR

MAIN STORY TONIGHT, WHICH

CONCERNS TIKTOK-- THE SOCIAL

MEDIA APP MANY ARE ADDICTED TO,

THANKS TO ITS COOKING TUTORIALS,

DANCES THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE FOR

ANYONE BORN BEFORE 1985 TO LOOK

COOL DOING, AND MASTERPIECES

LIKE THIS.

THERE IS TRULY NOTHING I LOVE

MORE THAN WATCHING THIS MAN'S

VIDEOS AND GUESSING WHAT HE'S

MAKING.

OKAY.

OH, LIKE A SUBMARINE--

TOTALLY, A SNAKE.

GOT IT.

John: WHAT A JOURNEY!

AND HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW

TV'S SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH

THAT.

I'D ABSOLUTELY WATCH THAT GUY

HOST A GAME SHOW TITLED

"DICK OR SNAKE?"

IT'S BASICALLY "IS IT CAKE?,"

ONLY WITH SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER

SNAKE-ON-DICK INJURIES.

TIKTOK IS MASSIVELY POPULAR.

IT HAS MORE THAN A BILLION USERS

WORLDWIDE, AND 170 MILLION

MONTHLY ACTIVE USERS IN THE U.S.

-- WITH FULLY A THIRD OF U.S.

ADULTS-- AND A MAJORITY OF

THOSE UNDER 30-- USING IT.

ALL OF WHICH MAKES IT PRETTY

REMARKABLE THAT IT MAY BE ON THE

BRINK OF GOING AWAY.

BECAUSE YOU MIGHT'VE FORGOTTEN

WITH EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON,

BUT IN APRIL, THIS HAPPENED.

THIS MORNING, THE CLOCK

BEGINS TICKING DOWN FOR TIKTOK

AFTER THE SENATE LAST NIGHT

PASSED A BILL GIVING THE SOCIAL

MEDIA PLATFORM'S CHINESE PARENT

COMPANY AN ULTIMATUM: "SELL THE

APP OR BE BANNED IN THE U.S."

LAWMAKERS IN BOTH PARTIES SAY

TIKTOK POSES A SERIOUS NATIONAL

SECURITY RISK.

John: IT'S TRUE, TIKTOK COULD

BE BANNED BY JANUARY 19, BECAUSE

IT'S A "SECURITY THREAT."

WHICH SOUNDS FRIGHTENING, EVEN

IF THOSE CLAIMS WERE MADE UNDER

FOOTAGE OF THIS ORANGE FURBALL

GOING TO TOWN ON ITS OWN FEET.

"WE CAN'T LET THE CHINESE GET

THEIR HANDS ON OUR PRIVATE DATA,

LIKE HOW OFTEN DOCTOR TUNA FISH

GIVES HIMSELF "THE FULL

TARANTINO."

THE POINT IS, CONGRESS CAME DOWN

ON TIKTOK HARD.

AND WHEN THAT LAW PASSED-- WITH

BROAD BIPARTISAN SUPPORT, BY THE

WAY-- TIKTOK'S USERS WERE NOT

THRILLED.

AN ARMY OF YOUNG TIKTOK

REBELS ARE TAKING A BREAK FROM

VIRAL DANCE CRAZES AND

CHALLENGES AND COMING TOGETHER

TO STOP THE GOVERNMENT FROM

TAKING AWAY THEIR FAVORITE

SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM.

THEY'RE USING THEIR PHONES TO

ACTUALLY MAKE PHONE CALLS TO

MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.

DO NOT BAN TIKTOK.

THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.

LIKE, I'M AN 18-YEAR-OLD GIRL

IN MICHIGAN.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR CHINA?

TAKE MY INFORMATION.

I DON'T CARE.

John: OKAY, THAT'S AN AMAZING

REACTION.

"TAKE MY INFORMATION.

I DON'T CARE.

MY ADDRESS IS 2343 EMERSON

PLACE, MY BLOOD TYPE IS A

POSITIVE, AND I THINK MY DAD DID

TAX FRAUD.

NOW WHAT, CHINA?

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."

BUT THINK ABOUT IT, CONGRESS

MADE TEENAGERS SO MAD,

THEY MADE ACTUAL PHONE CALLS.

THAT IS DEDICATION.

TEENS HATE DOING THAT.

IF YOU EVER NEED TO SCARE ONE,

JUST HAND THEM A RINGING PHONE

AND SAY "IT'S FOR YOU."

BUT THAT REACTION SHOULDN'T BE

SURPRISING.

PEOPLE LOVE TIKTOK-- AND NOT

JUST AS A PLACE TO WATCH A GUY

WATCHING A GUY MAKE A GIANT

CHOCOLATE DICK SNAKE.

NEARLY 40% OF ADULTS UNDER 30

SAY THEY REGULARLY GET THEIR

NEWS FROM TIKTOK, AND IT'S A

SIGNIFICANT DRIVER OF BUSINESS,

GIVEN THAT MORE THAN SEVEN

MILLION SMALL BUSINESSES USE IT.

AND YET, SOME LAWMAKERS INSIST

IT'S ALSO AMONG THE BIGGEST

THREATS FACING OUR NATION.

TIKTOK IS A GRAVE NATIONAL

SECURITY THREAT TO AMERICANS.

TIKTOK IS JUST CHINESE

MALWARE.

IT'S JUST JUNK FOOD FOR OUR

BRAINS.

IT IS SPYWARE, IT IS BEING

WEAPONIZED.

TIKTOK IS A GUN AIMED AT

AMERICANS' HEADS.

John: YEAH, THOSE ARE STRONG

WORDS.

BECAUSE WE KNOW CONGRESS WILL

NOT STAND BY AND WATCH SOMEONE

POINTING A METAPHORICAL GUN AT

AMERICANS' HEADS.

ACTUAL GUNS?

THAT'S A COMPLICATED ISSUE FOR

SOME REASON.

BUT METAPHORICAL GUN VIOLENCE

WILL NOT STAND!

SO IF AN APP THIS POPULAR IS

SUPPOSEDLY SUCH A DIRE THREAT,

TONIGHT, LET'S LOOK AT TIKTOK.

WHO'S BEHIND IT, WHAT THE

CONCERNS ARE, AND WHAT THIS

MIGHT REALLY BE ALL ABOUT.

BECAUSE THIS STORY'S ACTUALLY A

LOT MORE NUANCED THAN YOU MIGHT

THINK.

AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT

TIKTOK'S HAD A METEORIC RISE.

IT'S OWNED BY BYTEDANCE, A

CHINESE COMPANY WHO FIRST MADE A

SIMILAR APP FOR THE CHINESE

MARKET CALLED DOUYIN, BACK IN

2016.

THE NEXT YEAR, THEY LAUNCHED

TIKTOK AS THE INTERNATIONAL

VERSION, THEN PURCHASED AN APP

CALLED MUSICAL.LY WITH A

PRE-EXISTING USER BASE IN THE

U.S., MERGING THE TWO IN 2018 TO

CREATE THE APP WE KNOW TODAY.

BUT TIKTOK'S BREAKOUT MOMENT WAS

THE PANDEMIC, WHEN ALL OF A

SUDDEN, MANY OF US WERE STUCK AT

HOME WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT

LEARN HOW TO MAKE CLOUD BREAD

WHIP UP COFFEE, AND TRY TO

MASTER THE SAVAGE DANCE.

IT'S GENUINELY HARD TO IMAGINE A

BETTER SCENARIO FOR TIKTOK TO

THRIVE IN THAN A PANDEMIC.

SUDDENLY, THEY HAD A CAPTIVE

AUDIENCE WHOSE ONLY OTHER

ENTERTAINMENT OPTIONS WERE

"GETTING INTO SOURDOUGH,"

"WINDEXING GROCERIES A THIRD

TIME," OR, OF COURSE, RETREATING

INTO A BLANK VOID WHERE THEY

SLOWLY WENT INSANE.

I'M FINE NOW.

DON'T WORRY.

I'M FINE NOW.

BUT LAWMAKERS WERE ALREADY

RAISING ALARMS ABOUT TIKTOK

BEING CHINESE OWNED.

AND BY MID-2020, TRUMP SIGNED AN

EXECUTIVE ORDER BANNING IT,

SAYING TIKTOK WOULD BE SHUT DOWN

UNLESS MICROSOFT OR ANOTHER

COMPANY PURCHASED IT FROM

BYTEDANCE.

THAT NEVER WOUND UP HAPPENING,

AS A COURT FOUND THAT TRUMP HAD

OVERSTEPPED IN TRYING TO BAN IT

BY EXECUTIVE ORDER.

AND IN THE YEARS SINCE, TIKTOK'S

BEEN AT PAINS TO PUBLICLY

DISTANCE ITSELF FROM CHINA.

IT LAUNCHED SOMETHING CALLED

PROJECT TEXAS, WHERE THEY

BASICALLY PROMISED TO STORE U.S.

USERS' DATA ON U.S. SERVERS,

MAINTAINED BY A THIRD-PARTY U.S.

COMPANY.

WHICH MIGHT SOUND GOOD, BUT

THERE ARE REAL QUESTIONS ABOUT

HOW EFFECTIVE THAT'S BEEN, WITH

ONE WORKER SAYING THE DATA

PROTECTIONS AMOUNT TO BASICALLY

"A WINK AND A NOD."

MEANWHILE, THEY'VE LAUNCHED A

P.R. PUSH, WITH ADS LEANING HARD

IN TO AMERICANA, LIKE THIS ONE,

FEATURING A VETERAN NAMED

PATRIOTIC KENNY.

MY SCOOTER BROKE DOWN.

I WENT INTO A DEPRESSION.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

PRETTY SAD.

AND I POSTED IT TO SHOW THAT

KENNY IS NOT ALWAYS HAPPY.

WITHIN 24 HOURS, PEOPLE HAD

DONATED OVER $5,000.

AND WITHIN A WEEK, PEOPLE HAD

DONATED $110,000.

AND KENNY HIT A MILLION

FOLLOWERS.

IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE

TREMENDOUSLY.

NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE

HAPPENED WITHOUT TIKTOK.

John: WOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MORE

AMERICAN THERE-- KENNY'S TASTE

IN HOME DECOR, OR THE FACT HE

HAD TO GO VIRAL ON SOCIAL MEDIA

TO GET ACCESS TO BASIC MEDICAL

EQUIPMENT.

ALTHOUGH, TO BE CLEAR, TIKTOK

DIDN'T BUY KENNY A SCOOTER,

OTHER PEOPLE DID.

IT'S A BIT LIKE HAVING PEOPLE

PUT MONEY IN A JAR FOR CHARITY

AND THEN THANKING THE JAR.

"NONE OF THIS COULD HAVE

HAPPENED WITHOUT YOU, JAR!

TRULY YOU ARE THE BEST OF US!"

BUT DESPITE THOSE EFFORTS,

CONCERN ABOUT CHINA'S INFLUENCE

OVER TIKTOK CONTINUED TO GROW,

CULMINATING IN THE LAW PASSED

EARLIER THIS YEAR, DEMANDING IT

BE SOLD, OR BANNED FROM APP

STORES IN THE U.S.-- A LAW, BY

THE WAY, THAT PASSED THE HOUSE

352 TO 65.

AND IT'S WORTH TALKING ABOUT THE

GOVERNMENT'S TWO MAIN CONCERNS:

THE DATA TIKTOK IS COLLECTING

FROM ITS USERS AND THE POWER

IT HAS TO PUSH CONTENT TO

THEM.

AND LET'S START WITH THE DATA.

TIKTOK IS POWERED BY AN

ALGORITHM THAT TRACKS THINGS

LIKE WHAT VIDEOS YOU SKIP PAST,

AND WHICH YOU LINGER ON.

THAT WAY, IT CAN QUICKLY FIGURE

OUT EXACTLY WHAT YOU LIKE, AND

FEED YOU MORE OF THE SAME THING,

OVER AND OVER AGAIN, NOT UNLIKE

A DOTING GRANDMOTHER, OR MARVEL

STUDIOS.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY

WEIRDED OUT BY HOW PERCEPTIVE

TIKTOK'S ALGORITHM CAN BE,

BECAUSE IT CAN SEEM TO KNOW YOU

BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF.

I DOWNLOADED THIS APP A YEAR

AGO.

I THOUGHT I WAS STRAIGHT.

AFTER BEING ON TIKTOK, I QUICKLY

REALIZED I WAS NOT STRAIGHT, AND

THAT I WAS BISEXUAL.

I ALWAYS SAY THAT THE

ALGORITHM KNEW THAT I WAS GAY

BEFORE I DID, AND I STAND BY

THAT.

IT ABSOLUTELY KNEW.

ARE ANY OTHER GIRLS, LIKE

KIND OF AGGRAVATED THAT IT TOOK

MORE THAN 20 YEARS TO FIGURE OUT

WE WERE BISEXUAL, BUT IT TOOK MY

TIK TOK ALGORITHM LIKE 37

SECONDS.

WOULD'VE SAVED ME SO MUCH

FUCKING TIME.

John: YEAH, TIKTOK'S

SPEEDRUNNING PEOPLE'S SEXUAL

AWAKENINGS.

BEFORE, A REVELATION LIKE THAT

MIGHT'VE TAKEN YEARS OF THERAPY,

OR AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF

"XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS."

I HONESTLY DON'T THINK A MACHINE

HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR MORE

SEXUAL AWAKENINGS SINCE

"THE IRON GIANT."

AND I'M NOT EXPLAINING MYSELF TO

YOU ABOUT THAT.

I'M NOT DOING IT.

HE'S AN OBJECTIVELY HOT ROBOT.

HE'S TALL, HAS KIND EYES, IS

GREAT WITH KIDS, AND I'M SURE

HAS A VIBRATE SETTING.

DON'T BE WEIRD ABOUT THIS!

YOU'RE BEING WEIRD.

THE ALGORITHM IS INCREDIBLY

POWERFUL BECAUSE YOU'RE

CONSTANTLY FEEDING IT NEW DATA

-- EVERY INTERACTION YOU HAVE

WITH A VIDEO TRAINS IT MORE ON

YOUR PREFERENCES.

AND BECAUSE THOSE VIDEOS ARE SO

SHORT, IT CAN GATHER A LOT OF

DATA ABOUT YOU VERY QUICKLY.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL THE

INFORMATION IT GATHERS.

IT KNOWS THE DEVICE YOU ARE

USING, YOUR LOCATION, IP

ADDRESS, SEARCH HISTORY, THE

CONTENT OF YOUR MESSAGES, WHAT

YOU'RE VIEWING AND FOR HOW LONG.

IT ALSO INFERS FACTORS SUCH AS

YOUR AGE RANGE, GENDER AND

INTERESTS, AND IN THE US, ITS

OWN PRIVACY POLICY SAYS IT MAY

COLLECT BIOMETRIC INFORMATION

INCLUDING FACE AND VOICEPRINTS,

FROM ANY CONTENT YOU POST.

THAT'S A LOT OF PERSONAL

INFORMATION, AND SOME OF

TIKTOK'S CRITICS PAINT AN

ALARMING PICTURE OF WHAT THAT

MEANS.

IMAGINE YOU WOKE UP TOMORROW

MORNING AND YOU SAW A NEWS

REPORT THAT CHINA HAD

DISTRIBUTED 100 MILLION SENSORS

AROUND THE UNITED STATES, AND

THAT ANY TIME AN AMERICAN WALKED

PAST ONE OF THESE SENSORS, THIS

SENSOR AUTOMATICALLY COLLECTED

OFF OF YOUR PHONE YOUR NAME,

YOUR HOME ADDRESS, YOUR PERSONAL

NETWORK, WHO YOU'RE FRIENDS

WITH, YOUR ONLINE VIEWING

HABITS, AND A WHOLE HOST OF

OTHER PIECES OF INFORMATION.

WELL, THAT'S PRECISELY WHAT

TIKTOK IS.

John: YEAH, THAT'S A

SCARY-SOUNDING MESSAGE, ONLY

SLIGHTLY UNDERCUT BY THE FACT

THAT GUY'S NAME IS, AND THIS IS

TRUE, KLON KITCHEN.

WHICH SOUNDS LESS LIKE A NAME TO

TRUST AND MORE LIKE A START-UP

TRYING TO DISRUPT THE SPATULA

SPACE.

BASICALLY, THE CONCERN IS THAT

ALL THIS DATA COULD ONE DAY BE

USED BY THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT

TO IDENTIFY INTELLIGENCE

OPPORTUNITIES-- FOR EXAMPLE, BY

HELPING CHINA UNCOVER THE VICES,

PREDILECTIONS, OR PRESSURE

POINTS OF A POTENTIAL SPY

RECRUIT OR BLACKMAIL TARGET.

AND I MEAN...

MAYBE?

I GUESS THERE'S A NONZERO CHANCE

A FUTURE U.S. PRESIDENT IS

CURRENTLY RUNNING A FAN ACCOUNT

DEVOTED TO SONIC THE HEDGEHOG'S

FEET, WHICH COULD BE WEAPONIZED

AGAINST THEM IN THE FUTURE.

THOUGH IT'S WORTH NOTING-- A

HUGE COMPONENT OF BLACKMAIL

REQUIRES SHAME.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT ON TIKTOK,

YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON JUST HOW

LITTLE SHAME ITS USERS HAVE.

THERE'S AN ENTIRE CHALLENGE THAT

JUST CONSISTS OF NAMING YOUR

BIGGEST TRAUMAS FOR ALL THE

WORLD TO HEAR, WHILE DUMPING

CANDY INTO A BOWL.

AND IT IS RIVETING.

AND LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING

BYTEDANCE HASN'T BEEN GUILTY OF

ALARMING PRIVACY VIOLATIONS.

IT HAS!

A FEW YEARS BACK, THIS REPORTER

WAS INVESTIGATING TIKTOK AND

BYTEDANCE, ONLY TO LEARN THAT

SHE WAS BEING INVESTIGATED

HERSELF.

AFTER I WROTE MY FIRST FEW

STORIES, I GOT A BIG LEAK FROM

INSIDE THE COMPANY.

SOMEONE INSIDE THE COMPANY GAVE

ME A BUNCH OF AUDIO RECORDINGS.

IN AN EFFORT TO DISCOVER THE

LEAK A TEAM OF BYTEDANCE

EMPLOYEES LAUNCHED A

SURVEILLANCE PROJECT CALLED

PROJECT RAVEN, PULLING

INFORMATION FROM EMILY'S

PERSONAL TIKTOK ACCOUNT TO

MONITOR HER IP ADDRESS.

AND THE THEORY WAS THAT IF

THEY COULD MATCH MY IP ADDRESS

TO THE IP ADDRESS OF ONE OF

THEIR EMPLOYEES, THEY COULD

MAYBE PLACE ME AND AN EMPLOYEE

AT A STARBUCKS OR AT A LIBRARY

AT THE SAME TIME AND THEN MAYBE

FIGURE OUT WHO WAS TALKING TO

ME.

John: YEAH, IF THEY KNEW ONE

OF THEIR EMPLOYEES HAD BEEN IN

THE SAME LOCATION AS THAT

JOURNALIST, IT'D BE A PRETTY BIG

CLUE.

AND IT WAS MUCH EASIER TO PULL

IP ADDRESSES THAN GO THROUGH

EVERY STARBUCKS DUMPSTER TO TRY

AND FIND THE CUP THAT SAID

"SECRET WHISTLEBLOWER."

NOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU: THE

COMPANY SAYS THE EMPLOYEES

INVOLVED IN THAT SURVEILLANCE

SCHEME WERE FIRED, AND IT'S

RESTRUCTURED THE TEAM IN CHARGE

OF INTERNAL AUDITS AND REMOVED

ACCESS TO U.S. DATA.

BUT CRITICS POINT OUT: IT

DOESN'T REALLY MATTER HOW GOOD

BYTEDANCE'S PUBLIC INTENTIONS

ARE, BECAUSE FUNDAMENTALLY

THEY'RE VULNERABLE TO THE WHIMS

OF THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT--

WHICH HAS SHOWN A CLEAR

WILLINGNESS TO GO AFTER AMERICAN

DATA.

OFFICIALS HAVE BLAMED CHINESE

HACKERS FOR BREACHES OF THE

OFFICE OF PERSONNEL MANAGEMENT,

ANTHEM HEALTH, AND EQUIFAX,

AMONG OTHERS.

AND IF CHINA WANTED TO USE

BYTEDANCE TO ACCESS TIKTOK'S

DATA, THE COMPANY MIGHT NOT BE

ABLE TO PUT UP MUCH OF A FIGHT.

CHINESE LAW SAYS THAT IF THE

CHINESE GOVERNMENT ASKS A

COMPANY TO COOPERATE, IT HAS NO

CHOICE, NO APPEAL, NO GOING TO

COURT, NO LAYING ACROSS THE

RAILROAD TRACKS.

AND SO, BYTEDANCE, THEY COULD BE

PERFECTLY INNOCENT TODAY.

AND IF XI JINPING WAKES UP IN A

BAD MOOD TOMORROW, THEY COULD BE

DOING SOMETHING BAD.

John: YEAH, AGAIN, THAT

SOUNDS BAD!

MAJOR DECISIONS THAT AFFECT

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE COULD HINGE

ON WHETHER OR NOT THE LEADER OF

A COUNTRY WAKES UP IN A BAD

MOOD.

IT'S THE KIND OF UNPREDICTABLE,

EMOTIONALLY VOLATILE LEADERSHIP

YOU GET IN CHINA AND LUCKILY,

NOWHERE ELSE.

AND WHILE THAT SOUNDS

FRIGHTENING, IT'S IMPORTANT TO

NOTE THERE'S ALSO A LOT OF IF

IN HOW THIS TENDS TO GET

DISCUSSED.

TIKTOK INSISTS IT HASN'T, AND

WOULDN'T, GIVE DATA TO CHINA.

BUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU BELIEVE

THEM, THERE IS STILL NO PUBLIC

EVIDENCE THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT

HAS ACTUALLY SPIED ON PEOPLE

THROUGH TIKTOK.

WHAT'S MORE, WHILE IT DOES

COLLECT A LOT OF DATA ON ITS

USERS, AS WE DISCUSSED IN OUR

DATA BROKERS STORY, LOTS OF

OTHER APPS DO THE EXACT SAME

THING.

IN FACT, WHEN THE WASHINGTON

POST WORKED WITH A PRIVACY

RESEARCHER TO LOOK UNDER THE

HOOD AT TIKTOK, THEY CONCLUDED

THAT IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO

COLLECT ANY MORE DATA THAN YOUR

TYPICAL MAINSTREAM SOCIAL

NETWORK.

FOR INSTANCE, WHILE TIKTOK IS

TRACKING USERS AROUND THE

INTERNET EVEN WHEN THEY AREN'T

USING THE APP, THE SAME TRACKING

TOOL IS USED BY META AND GOOGLE

ON A FAR LARGER SCALE.

AND EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO

TRACKING REPORTERS, TIKTOK'S NOT

AN OUTLIER, GIVEN AN UBER

EXECUTIVE ONCE USED AN INTERNAL

TOOL NAMED "GOD VIEW" TO TRACK

THE LOCATION OF A BUZZFEED NEWS

REPORTER WHO WAS COVERING THE

COMPANY.

AND AGAIN, I'M NOT GIVING TIKTOK

A PASS HERE.

I'M JUST POINTING OUT THAT ITS

BEHAVIOR IS PRETTY CONSISTENT

WITH SILICON VALLEY'S OWN VERY

SHITTY STANDARDS.

THINK OF TIKTOK AS A SOFT DRINK

COMPANY IN THE 1800s.

SURE, ITS PRODUCT IS MOSTLY

COCAINE, BUT HEY, SHOW ME A

CHILD'S BEVERAGE THAT ISN'T.

SO, THAT'S THE CASE AS IT

RELATES TO TIKTOK'S USAGE OF

DATA.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CLAIM IT CAN

PUSH PROPAGANDA, OR BURY CONTENT

THAT MAKES CHINA LOOK BAD?

WELL, BYTEDANCE DOES DO THAT

WITHIN CHINA.

DOUYIN, THE VERSION OF TIKTOK

FOR THE CHINESE MARKET, HAS TO

PLAY BY CHINA'S RULES WHEN IT

COMES TO CENSORSHIP, AND "HAS

BANNED A BROAD RANGE OF

SUPPOSEDLY SUBVERSIVE TOPICS,

INCLUDING ANY CONTENT THAT

CAUSES "DISCOMFORT."

AND WHEN TIKTOK FIRST STARTED

GROWING INTERNATIONALLY,

IT DID SEEM TO BRING

SOME OF THAT ETHOS WITH IT.

IN 2019, LEAKED DOCUMENTS SHOWED

TIKTOK HAD INSTRUCTED MODERATORS

TO BAN CONTENT ON "HIGHLY

CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS"-- CITING

MENTIONS OF TIANANMEN SQUARE,

TIBETAN INDEPENDENCE, OR THE

BANNED RELIGIOUS GROUP

FALUN GONG AS EXAMPLES.

AND IN 2020, THE INTERCEPT

REPORTED ITS MODERATORS WERE

ALSO TOLD TO CENSOR POLITICAL

SPEECH IN LIVESTREAMS, AS WELL

AS, FUN FACT, USERS DEEMED TOO

UGLY, POOR, OR DISABLED FOR THE

PLATFORM.

NOW, TIKTOK INSISTS THOSE WERE

OLD GUIDELINES NO LONGER IN USE,

AND THAT THEIR MODERATION

PRACTICES ARE NOW MORE

TRANSPARENT.

BUT SOME RESEARCHERS BELIEVE

THERE'S STILL REASON TO WORRY.

ONE TEAM STUDYING TIKTOK CREATED

FAKE ACCOUNTS, REPRESENTING

AMERICAN TEENAGERS, AND THEY

WERE ALARMED AT WHAT THEY FOUND.

WHEN I GO TO YOUTUBE, YOU PUT

IN TIANANMEN AND THE FIRST THING

YOU HAVE ARE MAINSTREAM NEWS

DOCUMENTARIES.

BUT RESEARCHERS SAY MOST OF

THE CONTENT REGARDING TIANANMEN

THAT SHOWED UP ON TIKTOK WAS, IN

THEIR JUDGMENT, NOT RELEVANT OR

PRO-CHINA COMPARED TO WHAT

SHOWED UP ON INSTAGRAM AND

YOUTUBE.

WHEN WE LOOKED AT MATERIAL

THAT'S SENSITIVE TO THE CHINESE

COMMUNIST PARTY, THESE MATERIALS

WERE SIGNIFICANTLY, INEXPLICABLY

UNDERREPRESENTED ON THE

PLATFORM.

John: RIGHT, THEY CONCLUDED

THAT VIDEOS UNDESIRABLE TO THE

CCP WERE UNDERREPRESENTED.

THOUGH, INTERESTINGLY, NOT

UNREPRESENTED.

TIKTOK SAYS THAT STUDY IS

FLAWED, AND WHILE I HATE TO

AGREE WITH THEM, THE METHODOLOGY

IS A BIT WEIRD.

BECAUSE THE RESEARCHERS SEARCHED

WORDS LIKE "XINJIANG," "TIBET"

AND "TIANANMEN," CLICKED ON THE

FIRST RESULT, AND LET THE

ALGORITHM TAKE IT FROM THERE.

WHICH DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HOW

PEOPLE TEND TO SEARCH FOR

INFORMATION.

IF YOU TYPE IN AMERICA AND

SEARCH IT'S GOING TO A LOT.

AND HONESTLY, GIVEN HOW SPOOKILY

GOOD TIKTOK'S ALGORITHM IS AT

KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT,

IT MIGHT EVEN HAVE CONCLUDED,

"GOT IT, YOU'RE A BEARDED

RESEARCHER PRETENDING TO BE A 16

YEAR OLD LOOKING FOR EVIDENCE TO

SUPPORT YOUR CENSORSHIP

HYPOTHESIS.

HERE ARE THE RESULTS YOU WANT--

ALSO, FUN FACT, YOU'RE BI!"

ULTIMATELY, IT'S HARD TO KNOW

FOR SURE, BECAUSE THE ALGORITHM

IS PROPRIETARY, AND THE

DECISIONS IT MAKES ABOUT CONTENT

ARE LARGELY OPAQUE.

AND BANNING TIKTOK OUT OF FEAR

IT MAY BE A VESSEL FOR FOREIGN

INFLUENCE IS A LITTLE WEIRD, FOR

A FEW REASONS.

FIRST, CHINA-- LIKE MANY

COUNTRIES, INCLUDING THE U.S.--

HAS COVERT INFLUENCE OPERATIONS,

LIKE ACCOUNTS PUSHING

PROPAGANDA, RUNNING ON ALL SORTS

OF PLATFORMS.

AND RESEARCHERS SAY THEY HAVEN'T

SEEN A PARTICULAR FOCUS ON

TIKTOK THAT GOES BEYOND THE ONES

IT ALSO RUNS ON FACEBOOK,

INSTAGRAM, AND YOUTUBE.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO CHINA

DIRECTLY INFLUENCING TIKTOK

BEHIND THE SCENES, EVEN THE

GOVERNMENT'S OWN FILINGS SAY

POINT-BLANK THAT THEY HAVE NO

DIRECT EVIDENCE CHINA HAS USED

TIKTOK FOR PROPAGANDA PURPOSES

IN THE U.S. BUT THERE IS

SIGNIFICANT RISK THAT IT COULD

HAPPEN.

BUT AS LONG AS THIS ARGUMENT'S

ABOUT WHAT COULD BE THE CASE,

WE SHOULD PROBABLY ASK: COULD

THERE BE ANY ULTERIOR MOTIVES

BEHIND THE U.S. GOVERNMENT'S

APPROACH?

BECAUSE ALONGSIDE THE CONCERN

ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY, IT DOES

FEEL LIKE THERE CAN BE AN

UNDERCURRENT OF XENOPHOBIA.

HERE'S TOM COTTON INTERROGATING

TIKTOK'S CEO.

YOU SAID TODAY, AS YOU OFTEN

SAY, THAT YOU LIVE IN SINGAPORE.

OF WHAT NATION ARE YOU A

CITIZEN?

SINGAPORE.

ARE YOU A CITIZEN OF ANY

OTHER NATION?

NO, SENATOR.

HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED FOR

CHINESE CITIZENSHIP?

SENATOR, I SERVED MY NATION

IN SINGAPORE.

NO, I DID NOT.

DO YOU HAVE A SINGAPOREAN

PASSPORT?

YES, AND I SERVED MY MILITARY

FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS IN

SINGAPORE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER

PASSPORTS FROM ANY OTHER

NATIONS?

NO, SENATOR.

YOUR WIFE IS AN AMERICAN

CITIZEN.

YOUR CHILDREN ARE AMERICAN

CITIZENS?

THAT'S CORRECT.

HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED FOR

AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP?

NO, NOT YET.

OKAY.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF

THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY?

SENATOR, I'M SINGAPOREAN, NO.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ASSOCIATED

OR AFFILIATED WITH THE CHINESE

COMMUNIST PARTY?

NO.

SENATOR, AGAIN, I'M SINGAPOREAN.

John: THAT IS SO BAD, I

ALMOST WISH THAT LINE OF

QUESTIONING HAD KEPT GOING.

"OKAY, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE

CHINA IS ON A MAP?"

"YES, I DO."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE CHINA

IS?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, HOW DO YOU

KNOW WHERE CHINA IS?"

"BECAUSE I CAN READ A MAP?"

"AND HOW CAN YOU READ A MAP?"

"BECAUSE I LEARNED TO IN

SCHOOL."

"AND WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL WOULD

TEACH A CHILD TO READ A MAP OF

CHINA?"

"ANY SCHOOL."

"NOT ANY OF OURS."

"WELL, THAT'S NOT GREAT, IS IT?"

"SO YOU'RE INSULTING THE USA

BECAUSE YOU'RE A SECRET CHINESE

CITIZEN?

I REST MY CASE."

AND LOOK, OBVIOUSLY TOM COTTON'S

A PERSISTENT PIECE OF SHIT.

BUT IT'S HARD TO SHAKE THE

FEELING THAT AT LEAST PART OF

THE PANIC HERE STEMS FROM AN

UGLY PLACE.

AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY POSSIBLE

MOTIVATOR.

THERE'S ALSO THE FACT THERE ARE

PLENTY OF BIG U.S. TECH

COMPANIES THAT WOULD VERY MUCH

LIKE THEIR MARKET SHARE BACK

FROM TIKTOK.

META AND YOUTUBE NOW EACH HAVE

THEIR OWN TIKTOK KNOCKOFFS IN

THE FORMS OF REELS AND YOUTUBE

SHORTS, AND META'S BEEN CAUGHT

OPENLY SEEDING NEGATIVE STORIES

ABOUT TIKTOK, EVEN HIRING A

MARKETING FIRM, WITH ONE

CAMPAIGN DIRECTOR SAYING IN AN

EMAIL, "THE DREAM WOULD BE TO

GET STORIES WITH HEADLINES LIKE

FROM DANCES TO DANGER."

WHICH, TO BE HONEST, SOUNDS LIKE

A NETFLIX TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY

ABOUT A BALLET STUDIO THAT

TURNED OUT TO BE A SEX CULT.

AND MARK ZUCKERBERG, SEEN HERE

LOOKING LIKE THE CHEF FROM

RATATOUILLE TRYING TO PIVOT TO

BITCOIN, PERSONALLY LOBBIED

TRUMP ON THE RISK POSED BY HIS

COMPETITION.

IN 2019, IN A PRIVATE DINNER AT

THE WHITE HOUSE, HE MADE THE

CASE THAT THE RISE OF CHINESE

INTERNET COMPANIES THREATENS

AMERICAN BUSINESS, AND SHOULD BE

A BIGGER CONCERN THAN REINING IN

FACEBOOK.

WHICH SEEMS A LITTLE SUSPECT TO

ME.

IF YOU GET CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING,

THE BEST DEFENSE ISN'T USUALLY

"HEY THAT GUY DID IT TOO-- AND

HE'S CHINESE!"

AND HONESTLY, BANNING TIKTOK

MIGHT BE THE ONLY THING THAT

HELPS META HERE.

BECAUSE AS SOME TIKTOK CREATORS

WILL TELL YOU, THEY MUCH PREFER

THE PLATFORM TO ITS U.S.

COMPETITORS.

100% OF MY CUSTOMER BASE WERE

DERIVED DIRECTLY FROM TIKTOK.

FOR INSTANCE, THERE WAS A

GENTLEMAN THAT SAW ONE OF MY

TIKTOK VIDEOS JUST YESTERDAY,

AND HE SAW A COUPLE OF COWS IN

THE BACKGROUND THAT HE REALLY,

REALLY LIKED.

HE REACHED OUT TO ME AND HE

SAID, "ARE THOSE COWS FOR SALE

BY CHANCE?

HE DID NOT SEE THOSE CATTLE ON

FACEBOOK OR INSTAGRAM.

LET'S FACE IT, FACEBOOK IS

ARCHAIC, IT'S DEAD.

INSTAGRAM'S PRIME WAS MORE THAN

SEVEN YEARS AGO.

IT'S-- THIS IS THE NUMBER ONE

PLATFORM IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW,

AND THIS IS WHERE A NUMBER OF

OUR CUSTOMERS ARE COMING FROM.

John: WOW.

THERE IS NO WAY TO UNDERSELL HOW

COMPLETELY COOKED YOU ARE AS A

TECH COMPANY WHEN THAT GUY IS

TELLING YOU YOU'RE BEHIND THE

TIMES.

HE LOOKS LIKE HIS NUMBER ONE

CONCERN IS "RUSTLERS," AND

CONCERNS TWO THROUGH SEVEN ARE

ALL STAMPEDE-RELATED, SO IF HE'S

EXPLAINING WHY YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA

PLATFORM IS SUBSTANDARD?

YOU'RE DONE.

GOODBYE.

SO VERY BASICALLY, THAT'S THE

CASE, PRO AND CON, FOR THIS

POTENTIAL TIKTOK BAN.

OR, AT LEAST, THE PUBLIC CASE.

BECAUSE THERE'S ONE MORE ELEMENT

TO THE GOVERNMENT'S ARGUMENT I

HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT YET, BUT

ONLY BECAUSE IT'S BASICALLY

IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT, AS THEY

WON'T TELL US WHAT IT IS.

THERE'S A LINE THAT KEEPS COMING

UP WITH LAWMAKERS WHENEVER

THEY'RE ADVOCATING FOR THE BAN.

IS THERE CONCRETE EVIDENCE

THAT-- THAT WE CAN POINT TO

THAT SAYS THAT NEFARIOUS

ACTIVITY IS GOING ON?

YES.

A LOT OF IT IS CLASSIFIED.

TIKTOK IS CERTAINLY A

NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT.

WE'VE SEEN EVIDENCE IN A

CLASSIFIED SETTING.

MANY AMERICAN, PARTICULARLY

YOUNG AMERICANS, ARE RIGHTFULLY

SKEPTICAL.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY'VE

NOT SEEN WHAT CONGRESS HAS SEEN.

THEY'VE NOT BEEN IN THE

CLASSIFIED BRIEFINGS THAT

CONGRESS HAS HELD.

John: AND HERE'S THE THING:

RIGHT!

WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT!

SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO SHOW US!

BECAUSE SAYING "TRUST US, IT'S

SUPER SCARY" ONLY REALLY WORKS

WHEN THE PERSON SAYING IT IS

SOMEONE YOU FUNDAMENTALLY TRUST

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

TIKTOK IS CURRENTLY SUING THE

GOVERNMENT OVER THE IMPENDING

BAN, AND IN ITS FILINGS, THE

GOVERNMENT'S REDACTED

SIGNIFICANT PORTIONS OF THE

EVIDENCE IT SAYS IT HAS, WITH

SOME PARTS OF ITS AFFIDAVITS

LOOKING LIKE THIS.

AND INCREDIBLY, EVEN BYTEDANCE

AND TIKTOK DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

BEHIND THOSE BLACK BARS, BECAUSE

THE GOVERNMENT'S NOT REVEALING

ITS EVIDENCE TO THEM, EITHER.

WHICH FEELS WRONG.

BECAUSE USUALLY, SHOWING YOUR

EVIDENCE IS A FUNDAMENTAL TENET

OF AMERICAN JUSTICE.

IT'S UP THERE WITH A RIGHT TO

PLEAD YOUR CASE, AND TO BE TRIED

BY 12 HALF-ASLEEP STRANGERS

WHO'D RATHER BE ANYWHERE ELSE IN

THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

AND THE CONDESCENSION OF "JUST

TRUST US" CAN GET REALLY

FRUSTRATING, ESPECIALLY WHEN

IT'S EXPRESSED LIKE THIS.

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO

RECOGNIZE WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING

THIS TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF

AMERICANS.

PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY'RE TAKING

THEIR RIGHTS AWAY, BUT IT'S

ACTUALLY PROTECTING THEIR

PRIVACY.

John: BUT IS IT, THOUGH?

BECAUSE IN A WORLD WHERE

INSTAGRAM KNOWS YOUR LOCATION,

UBER KNOWS YOUR CHILDHOOD FEARS,

AND DOORDASH HAS A DETAILED 3D

RENDERING OF YOUR SMALL

INTESTINE ITS EXECUTIVES USE AS

A SCREENSAVER, CLAIMING YOU'RE

PROTECTING AMERICANS' PRIVACY BY

BANNING TIKTOK FEELS LIKE

CLAIMING YOU'RE FIGHTING CLIMATE

CHANGE BY BANNING THE

KIA SORENTO.

SURE, IT'S TECHNICALLY NOT

NOTHING, BUT IT IS, IN A LARGER

SENSE, BASICALLY NOTHING.

ONE OF THE REASONS THIS STORY'S

DIFFICULT TO NAVIGATE IS THERE'S

SO MUCH WE DON'T KNOW, AND

COMING FROM TWO SIDES I DON'T

REMOTELY TRUST.

BECAUSE YOU'RE EITHER TAKING THE

WORD OF A MULTINATIONAL TECH

COMPANY THAT PROFITS OFF YOUR

DATA, OR THE U.S. GOVERNMENT,

WHICH SEEMS HAPPY TO TURN A

BLIND EYE WHENEVER AMERICAN

COMPANIES DO THE SAME THING.

AND WHO KNOWS WHERE THINGS COULD

GO FROM HERE?

TIKTOK'S LAWSUIT MAY END UP

BEFORE THE SUPREME COURT--

MEANING THAT JANUARY 19 DEADLINE

WILL LIKELY GET EXTENDED INTO

THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY.

AND REMEMBER, HE'S THE ONE WHO

TRIED BANNING TIKTOK IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

THOUGH HE'S NOW DONE A COMPLETE

180 ON THAT, RELEASING THIS

VIDEO DURING THE CAMPAIGN.

FOR ALL OF THOSE THAT WANT TO

SAVE TIKTOK IN AMERICA, VOTE FOR

TRUMP.

THE OTHER SIDE'S CLOSING IT UP.

BUT I'M NOW A BIG STAR ON

TIKTOK.

SO, IF YOU LIKE TIKTOK, GO OUT

AND VOTE FOR TRUMP.

John: I MEAN IT'S PERFECT.

AS ALWAYS, IT'S GENUINELY HARD

TO FOCUS ON THE MESSAGE THERE,

BECAUSE OF THE WEIRD ENERGY.

HIS DELIVERY IS GIVING, "OKAY,

NOW HOW ABOUT A SILLY ONE" MIXED

WITH THE SPONTANEOUS DELAYED

RELEASE OF 60 YEARS OF DIET

PILLS.

SO APPARENTLY TRUMP WANTS TO

"SAVE TIKTOK" NOW, HE CAN'T

UNILATERALLY OVERTURN THIS LAW.

HE'D PRESUMABLY HAVE TO FORCE

CONGRESS TO RESCIND IT.

ALTHOUGH HE CAN'T CHANGE HIS

MIND AGAIN HE CAN DO THAT.

SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

WE TALKED TO A LOT OF EXPERTS ON

BOTH SIDES OF THIS BAN.

NATIONAL SECURITY TYPES TEND TO

BE IN THE "WHY RISK IT, JUST BAN

IT" CAMP.

WHILE THOSE IN THE TECH POLICY

SPACE ARE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT

BENEFITS OF THAT IMPACT THE

FREE-SPEECH IMPACTS.

AND I'M SLIGHTLY TORN.

THIS SHOW HAS AN ACCOUNT ON

TIKTOK.

I PERSONALLY DON'T HAVE IT ON MY

PHONE, PARTLY BECAUSE I DON'T

TRUST IT, MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M

VERY OLD.

BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING MANY

EXPERTS DO AGREE ON, IT'S THAT

THE RISKS TO AMERICANS' DATA

ONLINE IN NO WAY END WITH CHINA

OR TIKTOK.

AS ONE PUTS IT, "TIKTOK

REPRESENTS MAYBE 2% OF THE

PROBLEM WHEN IT COMES TO

AMERICANS' PRIVACY"-- ADDING

THAT WITHOUT ADEQUATE PRIVACY

LAW, "THERE ARE MILLIONS OF APPS

THAT ARE COLLECTING AND ABUSING

AMERICANS' DATA."

AND FRUSTRATINGLY, THERE'S JUST

NO GOOD REASON WHY WE DON'T HAVE

BETTER PROTECTIONS.

THE U.S. IS THE ONLY COUNTRY IN

THE G20 THAT DOESN'T HAVE SOME

KIND OF COMPREHENSIVE PRIVACY

LAW PROTECTING USER DATA.

WE'VE BEEN BEHIND THE REST OF

THE WORLD ON THIS ISSUE FOR AN

EMBARRASSINGLY LONG TIME.

THERE WAS ACTUALLY AN EFFORT TO

SHORE THINGS UP EARLIER THIS

YEAR, CALLED THE AMERICAN

PRIVACY RIGHTS ACT, WHICH

CONTAINED ROBUST DATA

PROTECTIONS, LIKE THE

REQUIREMENT THAT COMPANIES

MINIMIZE THE AMOUNT OF DATA THEY

COLLECT, SO THE ONUS IS ON THEM

TO COLLECT LESS, AND NOT ON US

HAVING TO PLAY CONSTANT DEFENSE

WITH A MILLION DIFFERENT

OPT-OUTS.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS STRIPPED

OF SOME OF ITS MOST CRUCIAL

PARTS AND SUPPORT FOR IT

EVENTUALLY EVAPORATED.

BUT WE BADLY NEED SOMETHING LIKE

IT, JUST FOR A BASELINE LEVEL OF

PROTECTION.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS, THIS TIKTOK

BAN ULTIMATELY MAY NOT EVEN BE

NECESSARY, BUT DEFINITELY ISN'T

SUFFICIENT.

OR TO SUMMARIZE ALL THIS THE

ONLY WAY ANYONE ON TIKTOK CAN

SEEM TO INTERNALIZE-- THAT IS,

WHILE WATCHING SOMEONE MAKE

FANCY CHOCOLATES OR DANCING: IF

WE REALLY WANT TO INCREASE DATA

BETTER PROTECT AMERICANS AND

THEIR DATA, THAT'S A PENIS.

THAT'S A CHOCOLATE PENIS WITH

RIDGES AROUND IT.

IT'S A SCREW.

OR, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S A ROBOT PENIS.

IT'S A CHOCOLATE ROBOT PENIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HIT IT!

AND NOW, THIS.

Announcer: AND NOW,

JESSE WATTERS IS NOT INVITED TO

THANKSGIVING.

DENVER, MINNEAPOLIS, MAY BE

GALBRAITH HALSEY SHOULD HAVE

THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY.

I'M NOT HAVING DINNER WITH MY

MOM AND MY DAD THIS

THANKSGIVING.

I'VE NOT BEEN INVITED.

PEOPLE ARE TAKING SPACE IN THE

WATER'S HOUSEHOLD.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WAS NOT

INVITED TO MY MOTHER'S HOUSE FOR

THANKSGIVING.

APPARENTLY THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH

ROOM.

SHE SAID IT'S A SCHEDULING

SITUATION.

LAST THANKSGIVING I CLEAR THE

WHOLE TABLE OUT, I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU KNOW MY WHOLE FAMILY'S

DEMOCRATS.

I HAD MY WINE AND NOBODY WANTED

ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

I THOUGHT IT IRRITATING ON

THANKSGIVING WHEN MY MOTHER

STARTS YELLING AT ME ABOUT

POLITICS.

LISTEN, MY MOTHER IS A CRAZY

RADICAL LIBERAL, TRUST ME,

THANKSGIVING IS A NIGHTMARE.

JESSE, YOU LOVE SPENDING TIME

WITH FAMILY.

YEAH, WILL THEY DON'T LOVE

SPENDING TIME WITH ME.

SHOULD HAVE FITS OF ROAD RAGE

AND DRIVE IN THEIR FEBRUARY BUT

I SURVIVED.

TO SOME OF THE THANKSGIVINGS

WERE AWKWARD BUT HERE I AM ON

"THE FIVE" AND "JESSE WATTER

PRIMETIME" AND I THINK I TURNED

OUT ALL RIGHT.

John: NO YOU DIDN'T.

MOVING ON.

THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW OF THE

SEASON.

AND HONESTLY?

IT'S BEEN A WEIRD ONE.

WE STARTED BY OFFERING CLARENCE

THOMAS A MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR

AND AN RV IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS

RESIGNATION, WHICH HE RUDELY DID

NOT TAKE.

AND SINCE THEN, THINGS GOT

PRETTY WEIRD HERE IN THE STUDIO.

I GOT LOST IN SOME CORN, WE HAD

AN INDOOR RAIN STORM, I GOT

SWARMED BY THESE FURRY FREAKS

FROM "CATS," AND SHUTTLED

OFFSTAGE BY WHAT APPEARS TO BE A

FLOCK OF BIG, SPOOKY RAVIOLIS,

WHICH I'M SURE MADE SENSE IN

CONTEXT.

WE ALSO TRACKED DOWN A PROLIFIC

STOCK PHOTO MODEL FROM

AZERBAIJAN AND FLEW HIM HERE TO

TAKE SOME MORE.

WE GOT WILL FERRELL TO SING A

NEW PATRIOTIC SONG TO REPLACE

"GOD BLESS THE USA" AT

CITIZENSHIP CEREMONIES.

AND WE BOUGHT THE CONTENTS OF A

SHUTTERED RED LOBSTER, AND THEN,

FOR REASONS I DON'T HAVE TIME TO

GET INTO, SENT SOME KITCHEN

EQUIPMENT TO A NEW YORK BAKERY

AFTER BULLYING THEM INTO MAKING

JOHN OLIVER CAKE BEARS WITH A

SUMPTUOUS DONK, WHICH THEY "VERY

MUCH" DID, AS WELL AS MAKING US

THIS SPECTACULAR BEAR LIKENESS

OF ME, WHICH I THEN ATE

ASS-FIRST, PROVING ONCE AGAIN

THAT I'M NOT NEW TO THIS.

I'M TRUE TO THIS.

YA BOY IS AN EATER FOR REAL.

AND MUCH OF THAT HELPED DISTRACT

FROM THE GENUINELY BAD YEAR THAT

WAS 2024.

SO BAD, WE WERE FORCED TO SPEND

EIGHT DIFFERENT MAIN STORIES

COVERING ISSUES SURROUNDING THE

ELECTION, FORGOING MUCH MORE

INTERESTING ONES WE WANTED TO

TACKLE LIKE: LIEV SCHREIBER JUST

DROPPED AN ENORMOUS JAR OF VODKA

SAUCE IN THE WHOLE FOODS SELF

CHECKOUT.

SAUCE EVERYWHERE.

WE HAD 23 MINUTES ON THAT

PLANNED, BUT HAD TO SCRAP IT FOR

AN EPISODE ON ALL THE WAYS TRUMP

WOULD FIGHT THE ELECTION RESULTS

IF HE LOST.

WHICH, OF COURSE, HE DID NOT.

SO TONIGHT, BEFORE WE LEAVE, I'D

ACTUALLY LIKE TO TRY AND LOOK

FORWARD.

THE END OF THE YEAR ALWAYS HAS

ME THINKING ABOUT THE NEXT ONE

AND WHAT I HOPE 2025 WILL LOOK

LIKE.

IN 2025, I'D LIKE ELON MUSK TO

JUMP SO HIGH, HE NEVER COMES

BACK DOWN.

I'D LIKE TO GO JUST ONE DAY

WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THE WICKED

MOVIE.

AND IN 2025, I'D LIKE THE FINAL

"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" FILM TO END

WITH TOM CRUISE TAKING OFF HIS

FACE MASK TO REVEAL

SHELLY MISCAVIAGE.

AND I KNOW NONE OF THAT'S LIKELY

TO HAPPEN.

AND THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

COVER A LOT OF TERRIBLE SHIT

NEXT YEAR.

BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING I

REALLY DO HOPE FOR, IT'S THAT WE

STILL GET TO TALK ABOUT SOME

RIDICULOUS STUFF.

SO MY PLEA TO THE REST OF WORLD

IS TO PLEASE KEEP BEING WEIRD IN

FUN WAYS.

KEEP MAKING TERRIBLE STATUES,

HOLDING WEIRD CONTESTS, AND

AUCTIONING OFF BIZARRE ITEMS.

AND IF I CAN TALK TO NEW ZEALAND

SPECIFICALLY-- PLEASE KEEP

DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE

WEIRD.

JUST BE YOURSELVES, AND WE'LL

FIND SOMETHING WE CAN WORK WITH.

LOOK, THE NEXT FOUR YEARS ARE

GOING TO BE EXHAUSTING.

ALL WE CAN REALLY HOPE FOR ARE

LITTLE POCKETS OF TIME, BETWEEN

NEW HORRORS AND CALAMITIES.

AND MAYBE THE GOAL SHOULD BE TO

SAVOR THOSE MINUTES OF CALM AS

BEST WE CAN.

BASICALLY, I GUESS WHAT I'M

SAYING IS, WHEN CHAOS BECOMES

THE NORM, WE NEED TO APPRECIATE

EVERY SECOND WE'VE MANAGED TO GO

WITHOUT A FRESH AFFRONT.

EVERY DAY WITHOUT AN INCIDENT

GOING FORWARD SHOULD PROBABLY BE

CHERISHED.

AND I KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO BE

HITTING RESET A LOT.

MAYBE THE CLOCK'S BEEN TICKING

UP FOR A WHILE, AND SUDDENLY YOU

GET A NEWS ALERT.

"RUDY GIULIANI APPOINTED TO

SUPREME COURT."

AND THEN BOOM, YOU'RE BACK TO

ZERO AGAIN.

MAYBE YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET

A SECOND TO CATCH YOUR BREATH,

THE CLOCK CLIMBS UP FOR A BIT,

ONLY FOR SUDDENLY-- "SECRETARY

OF STATE TURNS OUT TO BE PUTIN

IN A FAKE MUSTACHE."

AND BOOM, YOU GOTTA RESET

AGAIN.

AND THIS IS THE TIME YOU SHOULD

REALLY TREASURE, BECAUSE DEEP

DOWN YOU KNOW IT'S A MATTER OF

SECONDS BEFORE YOU'RE

INTERRUPTED WITH-- "WAIT, HOLD

ON, WE'RE "OUT" OF HELIUM NOW?"

LIKE...

IT'S ALL GONE?

AND MAYBE YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT

TO MAKE OF THAT, SO YOU BARREL

ON, ONLY TO GET AN ALERT THAT

SAYS "ALL AQUARIUMS ARE

INDEFINITELY CLOSED TO THE

PUBLIC?"

WHICH IS SO CONFUSING IT FEELS

KIND OF OKAY TO JUST IGNORE

UNTIL YOU GET THE ALERT, "PLEASE

STAY INSIDE; THE SKY IS FULL OF

SHARKS NOW."

OH, I GET IT, THE HELIUM.

FROM BEFORE.

I'M NOT SURE OF THE EXACT CHAIN

OF EVENTS, BUT THE SKY IS FULL

OF SHARKS, AND THAT'S BAD.

MAKES SENSE.

AND BOOM, THAT'S GONNA BE A BIG

OLD RESET AGAIN.

THE POINT IS, WE'LL BE HERE FOR

YOU NEXT YEAR TO TALK ABOUT THE

BAD MOMENTS, AND HOPEFULLY THE

MOMENTS OF JOY IN BETWEEN.

THAT'S OUR SHOW, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR WATCHING US ALL THIS

YEAR.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN FEBRUARY.

GOOD NIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

OH, COME ON!

FUCK THIS SHIT.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪