All language subtitles for Batsh-t.Bride.2019.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO-HI

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

(SWORD SLICING)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

HEATHER: On April 2nd,
1988, Elizabeth Anderson

married John Papadopoulos.

Elizabeth was 25 and John was 27

when John asked for her hand in
marriage.

Their relatives traveled
from around the globe

for the happy occasion.

The weather was pristine,
the groom was handsome,

the bride was beautiful,
and Elizabeth's smile

was the centerpiece of it all.

It was my mother's dream
wedding, and it will be

my dream wedding, too.

So everything has to be perfect.

Even my adorable flower girl.

Okay, Sarah?

Okay, Ms. Papadopoulos.

Sweetheart, I'm your big
cousin. Call me Heather.

Now, let's practice your steps.

Step right together, step
left together, step...

Richard, those flowers are
carnations. I need roses.

Ms. Papadopoulos, I
have no more roses left.

The Rodriguez wedding
ordered them all first.

Well, I will pay more for
those roses. Make it happen.

Cheryl, I want napkin rings
covered in hydrangea blossoms

for the table settings.

Good, Sarah.

Now, spread pedals three
times for every two steps.

Theresa, I want waiters in
cutaway collars with slim fit

shirts. This is not
the outfit I requested.

Now, Sarah, sweeping
circles so that the pedals

fall like a rainbow.

Hey, Heather.

Oh.

Paul. Oh, Paul! This is not
one of our usual work events.

This is my wedding.

So, I need you to stop
flirting with the staff

and step it up, okay?

I mean, I can't serve that.
What is it?

It's my lunch.

Why am I even friends with you?

Because you are the only
caterer that I've never fired.

Lots of them quit, too.

What do you want, Paul?

Do you think that hot
florist is out of my league?

(SIGHING)

HEATHER: Sarah, good work.

I need you to practice
a minimum of two hours

every night until the wedding,
okay?

What are those?

(SPEAKING IN A FOREIGN
LANGUAGE)

Water balloons.

They're for an April
Fools' joke. Tomorrow.

Oh, April Fools' Day. Right.

Absolutely no pranks, you two.

And seriously, Gary, Guillaume,

simply throwing water balloons
at someone is not a prank.

A prank is meant to trick
someone.

Like, oh, like if like I told
Bryce the wedding was off.

(LAUGHING) Oh my God, he would
die.

Oh, speaking of which, Bryce,
next tuxedo.

We've already tried eight,
babe.

Then we are eight closer
to finding the perfect one.

BRYCE: Do I really
have to try them on here,

in front of everybody?

Time is money.

CINDY: Okay, Heather,
everything's all set

for your bachelorette party
tonight. We're taking you...

Wait, hold on.

Pre-bachelorette party selfie.

(CAMERA FLASHING)

GRETCHEN: Becky, cool it
with the selfies already.

Seriously, you're an attorney

for the Department of Justice.

So.

Hey, uh, don't add a
location when you post that.

Why not?

Just don't.

Okay, Jesus. Relax, Gretchen.

Anyway, we're taking you to
Deja Dude...

I hooked up with the
bouncer there last night.

You know, I didn't think
I was into butt stuff,

but... Oh, hold on, it's
the Attorney General.

- Hello...
- Anyway.

And then the limo will pick
us up at, like, six or seven...

Well, which is it? Six or
seven?

I don't know. I forgot?

Who cares? The divorce
rate in America's 50%.

Cindy, I know you're going
through a difficult time

right now because of
your split from Harold,

but I put you in charge because
you are the responsible one.

I mean, what are we gonna do
after this Deja Dude place?

We...

party?

What's it matter?
These memories are gonna be in the toilet

in five years anyway?

HEATHER: Thank you, Cindy.

I went ahead and put
together a little itinerary

for tonight. Here are your time
tables.

Oh, come on. I already
planned everything already.

Yeah, not really.

7:30 dinner reservation at
Chez Ricardo.

That's not in Litchfield County,
right?

I can't go there.

BECKY: Why not?

GRETCHEN: I just can't.

BECKY: What, are you
on the run or something?

What? No!

What?

Come on, Heather. This is
ridiculous.

You've broken your itinerary
into two minute intervals.

9:00 p.m. finish dinner,
9:02 p.m. get the check.

You need to relax.

Yeah, control freak.

Hello? It's not like I
planned a root canal here.

I planned a fun night.

Now, I need to get back to work
because

I am way behind schedule.

Bryce, that tuxedo is awful

and, Becky, don't talk about
butt stuff at my wedding.

(UPBEAT LIGHT MUSIC)

Richard? What are you doing?

Oh, I'm walking home.
My van is in the shop.

It's always dying on me. But
it should be ready tomorrow.

Take my car.

Oh, no, Ms. Papadopoulos. I'm
fine.

Return it in the morning, not
a scratch.

No, it's really not a far
walk.

You live 6.3 miles away. Take
it.

And I want my roses.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

And whose car is that?

Oh, it's Ms. Papadopoulos'.

By the way, she needs your
roses, Maria.

What?

First she steals your sister's
dress and now she wants to

steal your sister's roses.

That woman is the devil.

She's not the devil, Mama.

No? Then what is she?

She's

complex!

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)

How's it going so far,
sweetheart?

Oh, hey, Daddy.

Hey.

Where to begin?

They didn't deliver enough
napkin rings, the truffles

aren't the ones I ordered,
the wine my winemaker

suggested doesn't pair well with
the fish,

Bryce's cousin has some
sort of family emergency

and might not make it,
which completely destroys

my seating chart,

not to mention the fact that...

Hey, hey, hey.

I know you're missing
her very much right now,

but I also know she's right here
with us.

She would have been very proud
of you.

You think so, Daddy?

I know so.

- Love you.
- I love you.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)

BECKY: Best night ever!

HEATHER: Ooh, we're
here. Everyone out.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Isn't this magnificent?

What the hell is this shit?

An art gallery, Heather?

What?

It's a wonderful event.

Art is dead.

How did you hear about this
party?

Oh, I read about it somewhere.

Ms. Papadopoulos, I
thought you couldn't make it?

Let me just say, tonight
has been a huge success

because of your planning.

This is one of your events?

What? No!

I have no clue who that woman
is.

Let's dance.

Come on. We're going.

How's the catering?

Eh.

Come on, Heather.

HEATHER: I just needed
to make sure everything

turned out all right.

CINDY: Yes, you're a great
event planner. We're leaving.

Forget her and listen to us.

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)

Yeah!

Titties!

Whoopee. You've seen
my breasts. One day

we'll all return to dust.

(MOANING)

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)

You were pre-partying.

What?

You were totally pre-partying.

Okay, maybe, like, a little.

You pre-gamed without us?

You girls lookin' for a good
time?

God, no. Driver keep going!

Get in.

Then that man tried to
stiff me, and I was, like,

'Oh, no, honey, you gon' pay Ms.
Pandora.

or the wifey finds out about
our little rendezvous.'

Oh, you go, Pandora!

Cindy!

She's fabulous.

Hey, show us more titties!

Yeah, and don't bum us out
this time.

Drive, drive, drive.

Hey!

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)

BECKY: Wow.
What a great night.

Yeah, throwing hours of
planning out

the window is a blast.

News flash: Your plan sucked.

No, my plans were... Ooh,
I just got really dizzy.

That brownie we gave
you earlier had pot in it.

(CHUCKLING)

Come on.

Don't be a rat.
Nobody likes a rat.

Thanks for the hook-up,
Pandora.

Mm-hmm.

Why do you girls love
playing jokes on me so much?

Because you're so serious.

Yeah, and you didn't
used to be like that.

Also, it's April 1st today.
We had to do something to you.

The pot brownie was the best
we could come up with. For now.

Oh, right. I almost forgot.
Act Like an Idiot Day.

My favorite.

I would pay a 100 bucks
to see you be an idiot.

Yeah, not a snowball's chance
in hell

of that ever happening.

Okay. You three think I'm
a drag. I'll prove you wrong.

I'll prank someone.

Really?

Oh my god, yes! Who?

(CUTLERY CLANGING)

You look stoned.

That's ridiculous. I don't do
drugs.

Waiter, another Belgian waffle,
please!

Can we talk about something?

Sure.

I've been thinking a lot
lately.

About what?

About us and, um, things
just haven't felt quite right.

What do you mean?

I mean, that spark, you know?

We just don't have it.

Oh, god, this is... this
is really hard to say.

Bryce, I think we
should break up.

Oh my god.

I mean,

wow.

Oh my god.

- April Foo...
- I've been thinking

the exact same thing!

Wait, what?

I'm so glad you said it first.

Said what?

What we've both been
thinking for a long time.

No, no, no, no, no.
Hold on one second. What?!

I've just been agonizing
about the whole thing

ever since you pressured
me to purpose to you.

Pressured you?

- I mean...
- I didn't pressure you!

No, no, no. Of course not.

I meant, uh, I didn't mean
pressured, I meant... bossed?

I didn't boss you either!

Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry, baby.

I wanted to ask you.

Then why do you
want to break up now?

I don't want to break
up. We want to break up.

I mean, come on. We never
have any good times together.

Okay, what about our trip to
Napa, hm?

That was three years ago.

Well, what about our trip to
France?

You took an event planning
gig while we were there.

It was a wonderful
opportunity.

I went on a sunset
river cruise by myself,

I ate at the Eiffel Tower by
myself, I toured

the entire Louvre by myself!

And you loved it, by the way.

Also, the whole time you
were...

What?

You know.

No, I don't know, Bryce.

What?

PMS-ing.

Oh! (SLAMMING TABLE)

Excuse me, miss, could you
please...

I was not PMS-ing.

You weren't?

No! I can't believe you would
think that. You are just

like every stereotypical
guy in the whole world!

'Oh, you're PMS-ing. Oh, you're
bossy.'

You just called me a bitch.

No, that is not what I said.

Yes, you did, indirectly,
you called me a bitch.

See? This is another thing.
You read

into everything too much.

What is that supposed to mean?

Literally exactly what I just
said.

What are you doing?

I'm watching your hand
gestures to see if you're lying.

I read about it in
The New Yorker.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Heather! Okay.

Listen, babe?

I get what you're doing.
You're just playing

devil's advocate to soften
the blow for both of us,

but come on. It's not working.

I mean, the sex? Pretty awful.

What are you talking about?

Come on, Heather. I know
you never really liked it.

I mean, you would just lay
there and wait for me to finish

and then I would feel
bad because I felt like

I wasn't pleasing you,
but now I get it.

You were just
acting like a dead fish

because you were unhappy, and
I have been so miserable, too,

and I feel so glad that we
are having this conversation.

Man,

whoo!

I feel so liberated, you know?

Mm!

This is a joke,

Bryce.

You got it, baby.
It is a joke,

because married people,
they should want each other,

they should want to
be with each other,

and we obviously don't.

I am so glad you brought this
up, Heather.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We are still going to be
friends, okay?

(MOBILE PHONE BUZZING)

Oh my god. It's my parents.

They are going to be so happy.

They will?

Mom, guess what!

The wedding is off.

BRYCE'S MOTHER: Really? Yay!

I can hear her from here.

Ma'am, I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid we're out of Belgian
waffles.

April Fools!

Oh my god.

Oh, ma'am? It was a joke.

Ma'am? Shit.

RICHARD: Ms. Papadopoulos,
here are your keys,

and I have your roses,
just like you wanted.

The Rodriguez wedding will be
fine.

Ms. Papadopoulos? What do you
think of this table setting?

The hydrangea blossoms look
good?

Ms. Papadopoulos, I changed
the outfit for the servers.

What do you think?

Hey, Heather, bad news.

The florist? Straight as an
arrow.

Yeah, it was a little
pricey but, you know,

I figured I could delay my
retirement for a little bit.

Oh, there she is. Heather!

Hey, sweetheart, I've
been looking for you.

Daddy, can we talk?

Of course, dear, in a second.
I have a surprise for you.

Your whole family's here!

Oh, Daddy, no, I can't right
now...

Look, look, your aunt
Suzannah.

Oh, my dear, you look just
beautiful.

What's it been, eight years?

She braved a six hour
flight from San Diego

just to be here.

Dry heaved into a bag the
whole time.

That's

awful.

Yeah, and look who
else, look, look who came.

Your grandfather Christos.

My beautiful Heather.

The last I saw you, you were
having your first communion.

I took two planes for 12
hours just to be here.

Hell on wheels on my
hemorrhoids.

Isn't she worth it though?

Well, we'll see about that,
won't we?

Oh, I was just kidding.

Oh, Christos.
(NERVOUS LAUGHING)

And perhaps the greatest
surprise of all,

are you ready?

Your great-grandmother Adonia!

Where is she?

There she is. Come on.
Wheel on in here. (CHUCKLING)

Get in here.

You hadn't even taken
your first steps

when she last saw you.
Can you believe it?

And to think that she traveled
for a week just to get

from her mountain home
to the nearest airstrip.

And, uh, she missed a
couple of her flights, too.

It was a real mess.

Adonia, we are so
blessed to have you here.

What do you think of my
daughter?

Heather.

Where's that handsome groom

I've been staying alive to meet?

Everyone, I, uh...

He is not here right now.

(EVERYONE MOANING)

But I am sure I can find
him somewhere, so...

Okay.

Honey, what was it that you
wanted to talk to me about?

Nothing, Daddy.

- Just give me a second.
- Sure.

Ms. Papadopoulos, how
would you us to decorate

the area for the band?

The wedding is off, Guillaume.

Really?

Oh my god.

Mama,

the baker just called. Ms.
Papadopoulos' wedding is off.

(SPEAKING IN A FOREIGN
LANGUAGE) I knew it.

Oh, hey, Heather. This golf
course is great, isn't it?

We should do more events here.

Oh, also, that French guy,
Guillaume? You think he's out

of my league?

My wedding is ruined.

Okay, what's the matter?
Did someone not deliver

enough lilac-scented
candles for your Swarovski

crystal candelabras?

No, they delivered enough.

Wow, I was totally
making that up.

Okay, so why is
your wedding ruined?

Bryce is out.

What do you mean?

Do you know
what today's date is?

Wednesday.

The date, Paul.

April 1st? Oh, hey,
it's April Fools' Day.

Yeah, and I decided to
prank Bryce by telling him

we should call off the
wedding, and he felt

the exact same way.

What the hell is wrong with
you?

I don't know.

I mean, do you know how
much work I have put into

this wedding? How many days,
weeks, months of planning?

And what's it for now?
For nothing?

Ugh!

(BALL CLINKING IN HOLE)

Holy cow.

They were right.
Becky, Cindy, Gretchen.

Everyone. I have no sense of
humor.

I mean, how could I think
this was a funny joke?

You know what else? The
cherry on top? They also think

I'm un-fun. I should just
change my name to

"Heather the Heart Attack."

Ugh!

(BALL CLINKING IN HOLE)

Oh my, Heather,
you should go pro.

This whole day is a disaster.

Ugh, it is those stupid girls'
faults.

They are the ones
who put me up to this.

'Oh, Heather,
you're too Type A.'

'Heather, you need to calm
down.'

'Heather, you should relax.'

'Heather, why don't you
loosen up a little bit?

It'll all be fine.'

Well, look where it got me.

I don't know why I listen to
those girls.

All they ever do is tease
me and play jokes on me.

Oh my god.
That's all they ever do.

How could I be so stupid?

They told Bryce!

I mean, they said it
themselves, the pot brownie

was the best they could think of
so far.

Pot brownie?

Clearly they texted Bryce
or something when I was

on my way to the restaurant
and told him about

my little April Fools joke,
and then he flipped it

back on me.

God, Bryce is good.

He's so quick on his feet.

I have to go.

Heather, hold on.

BRYCE'S VOICEMAIL: "Hey,
you've reached Bryce Collins.

Please leave me a message."

Bryce, I'm on to you.

Heather, just wait a second.

Man, I can't wait to
see the look on his face.

Heather, stop!

What, Paul?

You need to sit down
and gather your thoughts.

I will not be made a fool.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(THUDDING TO GROUND)

What the hell!

My bad! Totally my fault.

(GROANING)

- April Fools!
- April Fools!

That's not even a prank!

Hi, Carol.
I'm going to see Bryce.

Oh, Ms. Papadopoulos,
I think Bryce is...

Ashley, I need to talk to
Bryce.

Oh, Heather! Um, hi.

Uh, Bryce isn't in
right now. He's meeting

a client for coffee.

So...

How are you?

What are you talking about?

You know.

Um, fine?

Ashley,
everyone's staring at me.

Heather, Bryce told us what
happened.

He did?

Yeah, he let us in
on it this morning.

Oh! He let
you in on it, did he?

Um, yes.

Really?

- Excuse me?
- Yes, excuse you.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

I'm sorry,
I'm completely lost.

Ooh, you're good! I'm
surprised your acting career

didn't work out.

You're so mean!

Oh,

I see.

I get this little insult
game we're playing.

I really do not understand this
holiday.

Um, okay, and you are
an incorrigible gossip.

Heather, hey. Are you okay?

We heard what you
did. You know, really,

it was for the best.

It sure was, you guys.

Well, we'll miss seeing you
come in.

Oh, I won't missing you,
Frank, or smelling you

from a mile away,
for that matter.

Oh, you're cool with it, huh?

Great. Well, we won't miss you
at all.

Good one. (CHUCKLING)

Hey, Heather, sorry about the
bad news.

What bad news?

Today is the
best day of my life.

Oh, really? Then I want to
thank you.

We had a little office
pool going and I totally

picked today for the break up.

I was a little iffy about
my decision at first,

but then I was like,
'Nope! Wednesday's the day

that this whole ticking
time bomb goes off!'

You made me 300 bucks!

Mister Money Bags!
Way to go, Jimbo.

- My name's Carl.
- Who cares!

Mrs. Worthington.

Heather, you've chosen wisely.

You know, I wasn't going to
promote Bryce

because I figured he
wouldn't be able to handle

the extra hours with
someone as high maintenance

as you on his hands.

You just did your ex-fiancé a
big favor.

I commend you.

Well, I don't commend you
on those self-proclaimed

world-famous apple pies
of yours that you keep

trying to get me to serve at
my events. They're garbage!

Everyone, this has been fun.

I'm just going to go back
to not preparing my wedding.

See you all never again.

Ah, Ms. Papadopoulos, on
behalf of the security force

I thank you.

You have set a good man free.

The security guard and
janitor are in on this?

Bryce really went all out.

Thank you, Heather!
Way to go!

Team Bryce!

The people who don't even
work here are in on it? Ha!

(CLEARING THROAT)

The wedding is back on, people!

God, Heather, we're so
tired from last night.

And hungover.

And Cindy made out with
Pandora.

Really, Cindy, Pandora?

I'm going through a really
difficult time right now.

Anyway, we did a little
retail therapy to feel better.

It looks like you
looted the entire store.

No we didn't! We
paid! Who said looted?

It's cool, Heather. We
stayed within your dad's budget.

He said we looked like
holy hell this morning

so he gave us his Amex and told
us to go have a little fun.

- So, we figured...
- Oh my god, you guys,

my dad is already paying
all of your expenses.

Including hotel rooms.

Yeah, and you live, like,
10 minutes away, Cindy.

These two aren't
staying here without me.

I need this right now.

Cindy, you're an investment
banker. Becky, you're

an attorney, and, Gretchen,
you work for NASA.

Yeah, that's right. I work
at NASA. On... the rockets!

Just chill, Heather. Your
dad was totally cool with it.

Anyway, how did the prank go
this morning?

Oh, right. The prank.

Why don't you tell me how it
went?

Um... it was funny?

Yes, it was hilarious.

Keep it up, girls.

What are you talking about?

Ah, okay, I know what
you want to hear. You won!

Okay? Are you happy?

Now, if you don't mind, I have
some business to return to.

Um, okay, weirdo.

Come on, girls. I'm ready
to trash it up in these new

Louboutin's and jump right on to

that cute bellhop's di...

Huh! Oh, excellent! I got
my grand jury indictment.

Ooh, you guys want to call
Pandora

and see what she's up to?

BECKY: I think she only has
email.

Mama, the DJ just called.
Her wedding's back on.

(CURSING IN A FOREIGN
LANGUAGE)

(YAWNING)

Good morning, Bryce.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, baby, baby, baby, I'm
so sorry. I'm so sorry

if I startled you.

I know you're always so
jumpy when you first wake up.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

What are you doing here?

Bravo, (CLAPPING)

bravo, (CLAPPING)

bravo. (CLAPPING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, you can stop it
now.

Stop what?

What is going on?

Did you sleep in
my bed last night?

Of course! I didn't want
to wake you when I came in.

You are going to need all the
sleep you can get when you get

that new promotion.

I got the promotion?

Oops. Your boss told
me when I stopped by

your office yesterday. Act
surprised when she tells you.

Why were you in my office?

Well, I had to call you
out on your little prank.

Obviously, you found out
about my prank and you flipped

it back on me. Very clever.
But I figured it out.

Stop! You were kidding
about the break up?

It was April Fools' Day. I
don't know what came over me.

That is a terrible joke.

I agree. In general, I hate
jokes,

so let's just drop it, okay?

I wasn't kidding. I
don't want to get married.

We're not right for each other.

Ha, ha, very funny.

No, I'm serious. We're not.

Yes, we are.

No, we're not.

Oh, man.

Heather.

Listen, this is...

(PUNCHING NOISE)

You asshole!

I have been planning this wedding
for the last seven months,

mostly by myself because
you've been too busy to help.

I have been working 16-hour
days for the last month

and I rented the ballroom
for a week, just to make sure

that everything was
perfect, and now you don't

want to marry me?

Screw you, prick!

Hey!

You're the one who pulled
this stupid prank on me.

I'm sorry I reacted honestly.

So, what, you've just
hated me the whole time

we've been together?

No. I mean,
it was great at first.

We had a lot of laughs.
It worked.

I loved you.

What's the problem now
then? Why don't you love me?

Come on, Heather. You
can't see we've grown apart?

Look, some things last and
some things don't, that's all.

And it was great while it
lasted, but...

You don't really
want to marry me.

You just want the Facebook
photos.

No, that is not true.

I love you, Bryce.

Fine.

Then, I'm sorry.

I just don't want to marry you.

Why didn't you
say something earlier?

I mean, why did you even
propose?

I don't know, I mean, because

you can be kind of controlling.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.
We already

talked about this.

I bossed you into getting
me a ring and then I bossed

you into getting down on
one knee and then I bossed

you into proposing to me.

Yeah, you know what?
You kind of did.

Really? How?

Heather, you've got this way
about you.

It's what makes you a
good event planner.

It's what's going to make
you great mom someday.

It's what helps you do what
so many people in this world

can't do,
which is get things done.

Okay.

I get it.

I push people, so I'll
stop pushing people, okay?

No, Heather.

What?

What, Bryce? If you have
something to say just spit it out.

Sometimes you can
be a real bitch.

(PUNCHING NOISE)

Ah! Stop hitting me!

I am not a bitch.
Go to hell, Bryce.

You know what? I never
want to see you again!

- Oh, it is mutual.
- Great!

Perfect.

Wait. What am I
doing? This is my place.

You get out of here.

- Good! I was just leaving!
- Fantastic.

Ugh!

Hey, Heather?

What?

Your key.

Really?

Fine. You can hold on to it
if it makes you feel better.

Heather.

Bye, Bryce.

Ms. Papadopoulos...

Beat it, Guillaume.
The wedding is off!

Wait. It is or you are
messing with us again?

We need to know.

You're torturing us.

Oh, hey, Heather!

Did you know they have kayaks
here, too?

Oh, also, bad news.

That French guy Guillaume?
Straight as an arrow.

Bryce wasn't joking, Paul.

I can't hear you. Hold
on. I'll paddle back in.

I got this. Just give me
a sec. Just one second.

Bryce wasn't joking, Paul.

Jesus!

He really doesn't want to
marry me.

Oh my god. They weren't joking
either.

His coworkers? They
all want us to break up.

They had an office pool going.

Jimbo made 300 bucks.

Nice, Jimbo.

Everyone hates me.

Hey, not everyone hates you.

Really? Who doesn't?

Uh...

You?

I'm going to have to tell
my dad the wedding's off.

He's going to hate me, too.

I've wasted so much of his
money. The dress alone

could buy a decent used car.

Maybe even a new one,
you know, since you paid

double to steal it from
the Rodriguez girl.

I didn't steal it
from the Rodriguez girl.

I outbid.

Hey, it was still really,
really mean.

Get back to work. I'm
not paying you to kayak.

Fine.

I can come back in,
I swear. I just...

What the hell?

Heather, there you are.

Daddy, I have some bad news.

Well, I'm sure
we could work it.

You can tell me all about it...

after you see who made it to
your wedding.

Your cousin Bobby!

Heather!

You've got to be kidding me.

Hey, Bobby, it is so great to
see you.

It is so great to see you,
Heather,

I'm so glad I could make it.

Man, it was not an easy trip,
you know,

because of my wheelchair.

Right. Yeah. I got that.

So where's Bryce? I heard
Bryce was an Eagle Scout

when he was my age. I
just made Eagle last month

and I want to compare
merit badges with him.

My scoutmaster said I
wouldn't be able to get a lot

of the badges, because
I can't walk at all,

but I did it anyway!

Bryce is...

not here right now.

He's just very busy at work.

Okay. Excuse me.

Uh, sweetheart,

what was the bad news?

It's fine.

I'm figuring it out.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Everybody,
the wedding is back on!

Heather, for God's
sake, what are you doing?

I have a plan, Paul.

What plan?

There is literally no other
plan.

Groom or no groom? Oh, no
groom? Well, no wedding!

Ms. Galápagos?

It's Papadopoulos.

I finished the adjustments for
Bryce.

Would he like to try on the
tuxedo?

Excuse me.

He's not here right now.

Oh! Use this guy!

Ow!

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I can get Bryce to
come around.

We just need to sit down and
talk this out like grown-ups.

There is nothing in this
world that can't be fixed

with hard work.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.
It's just that simple.

Uh, Ms. Papadopoulos,
I need Bryce's finalized

guest list.

Right. Of course.

Um, okay, there is his mother,
his father, his sister, uh...

some other people.

Wait, no, he has two
sisters, there's two of them,

and then, um, he has this
hairy friend, he looks like

he's a homeless man.

Does hairy friend have a name?

Just "Hairy Friend"
should be good.

You want me to put "Hairy
Friend" on his seating placard?

Mm-hmm, yup, yup, he will
think that that is hilarious.

He and Bryce are old pals,
just laughing about that stuff.

Um, you know, Bryce's whole
family will be in town

before the rehearsal dinner,
so let's just handle that then.

Are you seriously just
going move forward with

the wedding without Bryce?

It won't be without Bryce.

I'm going to talk him back into
it, okay?

I mean, he was in love with
me a week ago.

What's so different between
a week ago and today?

It's not something you
just turn off like that.

Have you ever been broken
up with ever in your life?

No. Why?

Oh, Heather, you don't
even know how many siblings

Bryce has. Maybe it's time
you consider the possibility...

Enough, Paul, okay?

I have this under control.
I can fix this

because you want to know why?

I am an event planner, damn
it! I live for this stuff!

- Ms. Papadopoulos?
- What!

I have some questions about
your music

selection for the DJ.

Ah. Good. Something for me.

What can I do for you?

Okay, um, would Bryce
like to add any songs?

Mm-hmm.

I, um...

I, uh, we could try,

what is that stuff I hate so
much?

Simon and Garfunkel.
Yup, he loves them,

so anything by them you
could just play that.

He'll love it at the wedding,
which he's going to be at,

it's going to, it's great,
Simon and Garfunkel, mm-hmm.

Mama, the catering company
just called.

Her wedding's back off
again... maybe?

(SPEAKING IN A FOREIGN
LANGUAGE) This is bullshit.

- Hey!
- Hey, there's a line.

What the hell?

I planned your daughter's
bat mitzvah, Mrs. Stein,

your boa constrictor's funeral,
weirdo,

and your mistress' birthday
party, Mr. Langdale,

which I was very discreet about.

I think you all can wait two
seconds.

Espresso. Triple shot. Thanks.

BRYCE'S VOICEMAIL: "Hey,
you've reached Bryce Collins.

Please leave me a message."

Hi. It's me.

Listen, I get it. Things
between us maybe haven't been

perfect lately. Also, I know
I can be difficult sometimes.

There. I said it. See?
I'm not totally unaware,

but I've learned my lesson,
Bryce, I promise, okay?

So let's just get together
and talk about it, okay?

Maybe tonight over dinner at
the Trattoria. Your favorite.

I'll go ahead and make a
reservation for 8 p.m., okay?

Just call me before you
leave work to confirm,

and, Bryce, I feel confident
we can work things out.

I'm ready to change for you.

Okay, bye. Talk to you later.
Ooh!

I love you.

CHOIR SINGER: Hi, Ms.
Papadopoulos,

Jaime at the tabernacle choir

calling to confirm that
we were able to reschedule

our Lincoln Center performance
to sing at your wedding.

AGENT: Hello,
Ms. Papadopoulos, it's Bill from

William Morris Endeavor.

Just wanted to let you
know that Mr. Summers

will indeed wrap his movie in
time to direct your wedding

video this weekend.

BUTTERFLY TRAINER: Hi,
Ms. Papadopoulos, Sally calling

to say that, yes, we were
able to teach the monarch

butterflies to perch on top of
the harp.

(LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC)

Can you spare some change?

Here is the marriage
license. Is your fiancé

on his way now?

You know, um, he's not here
right now,

but I have a copy of his
driver's license

and his birth certificate,
oh, and I have some

of his mail.

So I'm sure you are very busy,

so I could just sign the
marriage license

and then we can
both be on our way.

Ms. Papadopoulos, I'm
going to need to witness

both you and your fiancé
signing the license.

All right. He should
be done parking shortly.

Hello. Hi.

Do you still need that change?

You're Bryce Collins?

Yup, that's me.

Yup, that's Bill.

I mean, that's...

Rice.

(LAUGHING) This is my
buddy Rice. (CHUCKLING)

What kind of name is Rice?

All right. Can we sign now?

Yes.

After you kiss him.

I'm sorry?

After you kiss your fiancé.

Okay, give me the pen.

Sure thing, just as soon as

you two lovebirds lock lips.

You're serious?

This is ridiculous.

Him?

This is the man you love.
What's a little kiss?

Yeah, what is a little kiss?

Yeah, what's a little kiss?

All right. Fine.

(KISSING NOISES)

(GAGGING)

Okay, give me that pen now.

Ms. Papadopoulos, I can't
let you sign this license.

Why not? I just kissed him?

Clearly, this man is not Bryce
Collins.

Sir, when is your birthday?

Trick question.
I don't have one.

His birthday is July 15th, and
he's just

a little buzzed from his
bachelor party last night, okay?

This is my fiancé Bryce.

I kissed him and a deal
is a deal. We're signing

that marriage license.

Please vacate the premises.

No!

Goodbye, Ms. Papadopoulos.

- Give it to me.
- Not happening.

- Give it to me.
- Ma'am, I'm going to need you

- to calm down.
- No, let go of me!

Let go of me!

Let go of me!

Someone call the police!

(STRUGGLING)

Keep moving forward, ma'am.

To serve and to protect,
more like to be a couple jerks.

Let go of me!

(STRUGGLING)

(ZAPPING)
(SCREAMING)

(MOANING)

Hi, Bryce, it's me. Heather.

Um, you know, I was just thrown
into jail,

so I am not entirely sure
I can make dinner tonight,

but I wanted to let you
know that I still very much

so want to work things out.

Okay, just give me a call back.

In jail.

I don't really know what
the number here is, uh,

or you can just let my
father know that I'm here

because you were my one call.

Okay. Bye!

(BARS SLAMMING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, I know you.

One of your friends
won't stop emailing me.

Oh, great. Shouldn't you
be in the other holding cell?

Honey, I'm all woman.

Yeah, and I'm all
Hells Angels biker chick.

Lady friend, you need to
relax and go with the flow.

You're like a fabulous
fortune cookie, aren't you?

(LAUGHING) You've gotten
funnier since I last seen you.

Can I ask you something?

Am I a bitch?

Yes.

Now can I ask you something?

Am I a queen?

Yes.

And is that a drunk
over there, and a junkie

right there, and some
girl who got mixed up

with the wrong crowd over there?

Yes.

That's right.

But since I've been in
this cell, that drunk

bummed me a cigarette she
snuck in from outside.

That junkie blocked
everyone's view while I used

the toilet, and that
girl gave me a sandwich

'cause I was hungry.

They may be this, that,
or the other thing,

but they're still good people.

So, yes,

you're a bitch,

but are you still a good person?

Papa John's.

It's Papadopoulos!

You made bail.

How on earth did you get
yourself arrested, Heather?

It was blown out of
proportion. I just got into

a little tiff at City Hall.

Hey, if we hurry we can
still make our reservation

at the Trattoria.

I'm sorry. You got
into a fight at City Hall?

What the hell were you even
doing there?

Oh, you know. Getting
our marriage license.

Getting our marriage license?!

Okay, look, it was on
the schedule for today

and I had to stick to the
plan even if things between

us are still, you know,
technically TBD.

TBD?!

We pretty clearly broke
up, like, six hours ago,

for the second time!

And, now, you're back.

Yeah, I'm back because
you called me and told me

you were in jail!

What else was I supposed to do?

You could have called
my father and had him come

and get me, but you didn't.
You came, and I think

that's because, deep down,
you still really want to

work this out.

Bryce, we're meant to be
together.

I mean, we met because
you gave me your jacket

when I got caught in the rain.

I knew right away it was fate.

You hated that jacket.
You donated it to Goodwill

without even telling me.

Yeah, it was so ugly.

My father gave it to me.

What about when you threw
me that surprise party?

That was the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

You found out about that
party a week beforehand,

canceled all my plans,
hired a new caterer, changed

the location, sent out a
whole different invite list.

I was an hour late becau...

Yeah, what was that about, by
the way?

I couldn't find the damn
place!

Oh my god, Heather!

Poor planning, Bryce.

You are so controlling
you can't even let people

do nice things for you.

Well, I just wanted
your surprise party for me

to be successful,
and it was, wasn't it?

Yeah. It was your
best event yet.

See?

All these things you've
listed, the reasons

why we're meant to be
together, those are all things

that I did for you.

Well, maybe that's because
it's easier to remember

the grand, sweeping gestures,
and that's how you show love.

Maybe I show love in smaller
ways that are more difficult

to remember, like how
I'll always rub your feet

when you have a hard day at
work, or when I would leave

work early and surprise you
with a home-cooked dinner

at your place.

Or what about that time
I threw that wonderful

little impromptu gathering
for you and your friends

while you were watching
the barbarian death match?

The Super Bowl?

Did you forget about that
stuff while you were setting

tee off times with your
buddies, or logging hours on

the slopes, schmoozing
your boss and her friends

on her yacht.

It's a catamaran.

Bryce, maybe you just
never took the time

to understand me.

You're all about the fun
stuff, but you run away

as soon as it's time for the
hard work,

just like you ran away the
other day at breakfast.

I mean, you left me with this
whole mess and you didn't

even think twice about it.

Maybe you need to grow
up a little bit, too.

Whatever.

Bryce, come on. We're
perfect for each other.

We're Bryce and Heather!
No, wait. Heather and Bryce.

That sounds much better.

I'll catch you later.

Bryce, I could push the
wedding back and that would

give you more time to think
about it.

Bye, Heather.

Bryce, I'm pregnant.

No, you're not.

I could be!

You don't know that I'm not.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Bryce, come on.

Don't give up on this.

- Bryce? Bryce?
- I'm going to drive away.

I am pregnant!

I'm pregnant!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

VOICEMAIL: You have no
messages.

(SIGHING)

(TYPING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

You have no messages.

(TYPING)

You still have no messages.

(SIGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Heather, my dear, I'm sorry
I'm late.

I got caught in traffic,
but you are not

going to believe the
surprise I have for you.

Goodness. Are you okay?
You look terrible?

Daddy, there's something
I need to tell you,

for real this time.

Okay, I'm there for
you. Whatever you need.

Thanks, Daddy.

Just say 'hi' to cousin
Nancy first! (CHUCKLING)

Hi, Nancy, it's great to see
you.

It's great to see you, too,
Heather.

My god, you haven't aged a bit.

I just love your skin.
I'm so jealous.

What do you use?

Okay, bye, Nancy.

Anyways, I'll tell you,
after these last few months

I just need something happy
in my life like this wedding.

Okay, I don't need to
hear where this is going.

You won't believe it,
but, right after my second

botched hip surgery, I
find out that Daniel's

been sleeping with the hot
tramp behind the reception

desk at his law firm.

Of course, he and the harlot
are off in the Barbados

right now while these
three little monsters

are draining the life
out of me and I'm trying

to figure out how to sue
the most successful attorney

in Seattle for divorce
with my 21-year-old lawyer

who lives with his parents and
just got

his law degree online.

And anyways the airline
lost my luggage and I also

have Lyme disease!

Okay.

It's gonna be okay.
One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten.

(BREATHING)

Sweetheart, we can talk now.

Dad.

Oh, also, shouldn't
Bryce's family have arrived?

I mean, I only see our family.

That's what I wanted to
talk to you about. I, um...

I just can't find them anywhere.

Oh, gosh, really?

Well, I don't think we
should do the rehearsal

until Bryce's family arrives.

You are right, so you know
what?

I am going to go and find them.

Yeah, I'll just go and I'll find
them.

That's what I'm going to do.

This is Bryce's cousin Reggie

and this is Bryce's other cousin
Saul.

- Hi.
- Oh, Christos, Christos.

Sweetheart.

Sal. Saul. Sal.

Bryce's cousins are very dirty.

Mm-hmm! Uh, they are
hippies. Bryce doesn't like

to talk about them.

Hi.

- Oh, wow,
- Do you have a sandwich?

How many winters have you
seen?

Hey, "Hairy Friend" really
does look like a homeless guy.

Heather, come here.

Where's Bryce?

Um, you know, Bryce called
me and, as always, he is stuck

at work, but we can just have
someone else

stand in for him.

(SIGHING) Who?

Hi.

BRYCE'S VOICEMAIL: "Hey,
you've reached Bryce Collins.

Please leave me a message."

Hi. It's me.

I know this is stupid and beyond
crazy,

but I might as well try.
I will be at our wedding

tomorrow morning, and I hope
that maybe,

just maybe, you have a
change of heart tonight

and you come.

And I wanted to say that you're
right.

Things haven't been
good between us.

A lot of that's my fault.

I try to control things
too much, including you

and me and our relationship,
and I need to fix that.

I really hope to see you
tomorrow.

Okay.

I love you.

Bye.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(CHURCH BELL RINGING)

BECKY: Okay, sorry we're
late. Took me forever

to kick the cute golf caddy out
of bed,

and then I had to take an
important call.

Seems like I might be nominated

for a cabinet post or something.

I think I'm the youngest ever
for the job.

I don't know. Whatever.

CINDY: And I had to reply
to an email from Pandora.

You know, you wouldn't guess it,

but she's a fantastic writer.

Wait. Where's Gretchen?

CINDY: How did we lose her?

Heather, have you seen her?

(DOOR OPENING)

MR. PAPADOPOULOS: Morning,
girls.

Wow.

Look at my beautiful daughter.

My dear, you look wonderful.

Um, sweetheart.

I haven't seen Bryce.

The groom isn't supposed to see
the bride

before the wedding.

Honey, nobody's seen Bryce.

He'll be here, Daddy.

(SIGHING)

All right. We're missing a
bridesmaid,

the groom is AWOL, and none
of his family have arrived.

I think we've all gathered
the wedding isn't happening

so I want you to be ready to
shift into freak-out mode,

because I would not put it
past her to grab a crucifix

and just start swingin'.

Places!

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC)

Well. On with it.

("CANON IN D" PLAYING)

Uh, sweetheart?

Let's go.

Yeah.

Hey, where's Rice?

Who?

Ms. Papadopoulos, is
something supposed to happen?

Read it.

Excuse me?

Wait for it.

Read it.

Heather.

I don't think he's coming.

- Read it!
- Ah!

How does that hurt so much?

We are gathered here today,

in the sight of God

and in the face of family
and friends, to join together

Heather Papadopoulos

and Bryce Collins?

In holy matrimony?

All right. Stop.

He's not coming.

It's on! Brace yourselves!

(DOORS RATTLING)

Why won't the door open?

I think it's locked. Should I
open it?

It's him! It's him!

("ODE TO JOY" PLAYING)

What?

I thought it'd look good for the
wedding.

It's not a disguise!

Hey, where's Bryce?

BECKY: Heather!

- Heather!
- Heather!

- Heather.
- Where are you?

- Heather!
- Heather!

Heather!

Sweetheart, there you are.

We've been looking
all over for you.

(SIGHING)

You okay?

Not really.

It's nothing to be
embarrassed about.

Daddy, I'm so sorry.

I wasted all your money.
Do you hate me?

What kind of a question is
that?

Of course not.

One day you'll look back
on all this and laugh.

Hey, I'm surprised you made
it this far. I wasn't really

planning on paying for
any wedding anytime soon.

What do you mean?

Sweetheart, I don't
mean that in a bad way.

You're a strong-willed person,

which you've been ever
since your mother died.

You're just like her actually.

That smile in her wedding photos

is the smile of a woman
who knew what she wanted

and made it happen.

I want to give you something.

What is this?

I was told to give you this
the day after your wedding,

so I guess I'm breaking the
rules,

but something tells me it's
okay.

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC)

MRS. PAPADOPOULOS: Dear
Heather, as I write this letter

I'm watching you play on the
tire swing in our backyard.

I know how much you've always
loved to look at my wedding

album, so, as you read this
letter, I'm sure you're basking

in the afterglow
of your perfect day.

But, now that you've pulled
off your perfect wedding,

I want you to know something.
It doesn't matter.

The flowers, the decorations,
the food. None of it matters.

Because your life is already
perfect.

You'll worry about so many
little things from day to day.

Money, career, deadlines.
But you must remember to live

every moment of your life,
because it can go away

at any time.

So I want you to put
down this letter and hold

the person you love, because
your life is already perfect.

I love you very much. Your
Mother.

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC)

Everyone, I want to thank
you all for coming here,

some of you from very,
very far away.

I'm sorry the wedding
didn't happen this morning,

but I'm glad I
got to see all of you.

I didn't need to pay
$2,000 just to see your face.

I could have logged into the
Faceweb.

That's kind of anti-my
point, but I'm sure deep down

you don't really mean that,
Grandpa.

No, I do.

And Great-Grandmother
Adonia, I didn't even stop

to think how lucky
I am to see you.

Not many people have
great-grandmothers, but I do.

Heather? When is the wedding?

Sorry, baby,
she was doing so well.

I have a wonderful family.
Thank you all for being here.

Thank you, Ms. Papadopoulos.

Aw.

What?

What's this?

It's for the wedding.

I can't accept this.

I insist.

This is probably all
you have in the world.

I have everything I need,
Daddy.

(SIGHING) Thank, Christ.

We're so sorry, Heather.

I'm sorry I said things
would end up in the toilet,

even though I was right.

I'm sorry I slept with,
like, half the hotel staff.

I've just been stressed about my
upcoming

Senate confirmation hearings.

And I'm guilty... sorry, too!

Do you hate us?

Why would I hate you?

Because we started this whole
mess.

No, no, listen, you
didn't start this mess.

It was a long time
coming. Probably better

to find out now than later.

Besides, you're my friends.
Apparently, my only friends.

We really are, aren't we?

HEATHER: I'll catch up
with everyone later, Daddy.

There's one more person
I need to apologize to.

MR. PAPADOPOULOS: I hope
it's that Rodriguez girl.

HEATHER: Yes, it's the
Rodriguez girl. God, I get it.

I ruined her wedding.

Do we have enough chairs,
Jenny?

I'll go check the other
closet.

Hold on. I can help.

Me, too. Once I'm done with
this.

Oh, Mama, there's still so
many things

to take care of before tomorrow.

Relax, Maria. Everything
is going to be beautiful.

Nothing is going to mess
with my daughter's happy day.

It is a time for love and
kindness.

What the hell are you doing
here,

(CURSING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)?

Uh, I came to speak to Maria.

No. Go.

Leave. You've done enough
already.

- Mama.
- It'll just take one moment.

No. You go now. Go!

- Go!
- Okay, okay.

You wanted to speak to me?

I wanted to apologize.
For stealing your dress.

And your flowers. And
basically half of your wedding

from right underneath you.

And, uh, I wanted to see if
I could help with anything.

You know, I actually do this
kind of thing for a living.

Oh? You ruin people's
hopes and dreams for a living?

Listen here, amiga.

I will end you.

I am not kidding. I have cut
people.

I have killed rabid
dogs with my own teeth.

I have fought my way out of
South American prison riots.

You do not want to mess with me.

And I will do anything,

anything, to see to it
that you come nowhere near

our holy event, so help me God!

I'll bet you're a bad
event planner anyway.

Excuse me?

(MILITARY DRUMS)

A big meeting?
At 20:00 hours?

What is she talking about?

Beats me. Her wedding
was a bust. Shouldn't we be

striking everything for the
tenth time?

(SPEAKING IN A FOREIGN
LANGUAGE)

Yeah, I hate her, too.

Good. Our final two troops
are here.

Please sit, gentlemen.

Now as you all know my
wedding this morning

did not work out.

(WHISPERING) Big surprise.

'Big surprise,' I'm sure
many of you are saying,

for which I would normally
fire you, but not today.

Today, my social soirée
soldiers, we have another

wedding to save.

The wedding of a kind,
sweet girl named Maria.

Per your contracts, I have
you all through the end

of the evening and I intend to
use you.

We are an army now.
You are all participants

in Operation Wedding Surprise
"colon"

Nobody Calls Me a Bad Event
Planner, You Dizzy Old Hag.

Now our enemy, Maria's
mother, has resisted

initial invasion, so our
mission will be a covert one.

Under the shroud of
night we will infiltrate

enemy territory and
deliver our salvos of class

and elegance upon our
unsuspecting victims.

Now there's a lot to
review, so listen closely.

First!

(CAR ENGINE TURNING OFF)

Ah!

What are you doing here?

What the hell is going on?

State your business.

Take that knife away
from my throat, Heather.

Jesus Christ, Heather!

I came here to talk to you
while I thought you'd be

taking everything down.

Duly noted and appreciated,
but there's no time

to talk, Bryce. Clock's a
tickin'!

What's going on?

We're rescuing the Rodriguez
wedding.

Why? What happened to it?

I happened to it.

Is that the hotel's china?

It's much nicer than Maria's.

So you're just
going to steal it?

It's not stealing if
you return it afterwards.

That is not true at all.

- Hey, is that Spice?
- No, no, no. Rice.

Okay, I came here to apologize
to you

for walking out on
you the other day

and leaving you to deal
with this whole mess.

I shouldn't have done that.

I'm sorry.

And you were right. I
guess I've got some things

I have to work on myself.

But I guess it doesn't
matter, because you've clearly

- gone off the deep end.
- Cover!

'Sup, hotel worker guy?

I'm taking a smoke break.

What?

Tell him, 'I'm taking a smoke
break.'

I'm taking a smoke break.

Okay.

(COUGHING) It's good.

I love cigarettes.

I'm trying to quit.

(LAUGHING) Don't.

I will help you! No,
you don't need to throw

that in. I will help you.

Thanks.

And you? Don't give up.

Thank you.

Next time don't say
anything I don't tell

you to say, got it?

Oh, got it, 'cause guess what?

There's not going to be a next
time.

Okay, Bryce, have it your way.

Yeah, I will have it
my way, because my way

doesn't involve stealing
everything from the hotel

and cigarettes. I hate
cigarettes!

Me, too!

I did that for you, Bryce!

Why do you even have
cigarettes?

(GROANING)

I should have never come here.

I thought you were leaving.

Yeah, I am.
My car's right here.

Ugh.

See you later.

If you change your mind
the Rodriguez wedding

is at the Shoreline Clubhouse on
Moreno.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

(MILITARY DRUMS)

It's locked.

You can pick locks?

HEATHER: Event Planning 101,
Cindy.

Nice technique.

Hmm.

What? I get locked out
of my apartment a lot.

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

Let's get to work.

All right. The first
thing we want to do is...

Oh, god, I hate that woman.

What is she doing here?

- Guarding.
- From what?

- From me.
- What is she holding?

Maria's wedding dress.

PAUL: Should we retreat?

HEATHER: No, listen up,
troops. Mission adjustment.

First, we move Maria's
mother. Then, we redecorate.

Tread lightly. We do not
want to wake that woman.

She's like me, but worse.

(EVERYONE GROANING)

(MILITARY DRUMS)

All right, everyone.
Let's move.

Strike these polyester pieces of
garbage.

I want 500 thread count Bavarian
cotton napkins, Theresa.

What are these plastic
monstrosities?

Get me Venetian ballroom fours,
Cheryl.

The ceiling lacks ambience.
I want Chinese lanterns

set at a default dimmer level
eight.

Two.

I beg your pardon?

Default dimmer level at
two. You've got the same

number of lanterns you
had for the ballroom,

but this room is a quarter of
the size.

Default dimmer level at two.

How would you know anything
about default dimmer levels?

Sometimes boyfriends
listen to the things

their girlfriends talk about

more than their girlfriends
realize, sir!

Default dimmer level set at
two, please.

Welcome to the shit.

Hooah.

(UPBEAT CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Wait, wait, wait. So you've
fallen three stories before?

Yes, hanging banners at
events.

How are you still alive?

You just relax your body
before you hit the ground,

like a baby falling from heaven.

That is Event Planning 201,
Bryce.

Gary, gather the troops
so I can dismiss them.

We're done here?

Not quite.

BRYCE: Why not just
leave the dress on one

of the tables or something?

Because Maria's mother will
throw it away out of spite.

We have to kidnap Maria's other
dress so she has no choice

but to wear this one.

How do you know she'll
like yours better?

I stole it from her.

I thought you outbid?

(GASPING)

El Diablo!

(SCREAMING)

(FALLING)

(THUDDING)

Wow.

You were right.

Relaxing before you hit the
ground really does help.

See?

Hey, so, um, great work,
Heather.

It really does look better in
there.

I'm not done yet. I
need to fix up the church.

Right.

Do you want to come?

BRYCE: It's nice.

HEATHER: It is. It
just needs some accents.

Flowers?

Flowers.

Hey, Heather?

Yeah?

The sex wasn't bad.
It was good.

I just wish that you didn't
plan it. That's all.

Well, you know, I have a
really busy schedule to work

around so it makes sense
to find nights that...

No, no, no. I mean
what we actually do, like,

positions and stuff.

You literally made an itinerary
once.

For our first anniversary.

Maybe I can be more
spontaneous.

Just a bit.

We shouldn't talk about
this in front of the church.

Come on.

Right.

HEATHER: That first
anniversary was

pretty dynamite though.

BRYCE: Solid itinerary.

Not bad.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hello? Is someone there?

Huh.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(DOOR LOCKING)

(PUSHING)

Really push it.

I am really pushing.

All right. I'm going to call
for help.

Help!

(SHUSHING)

Do you want to
get me arrested again?

He's a priest. We'll
just tell him the truth.

Priests are all about
forgiveness, right?

Help!

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

- Help!
- Help!

Please! Help us!

(SIGHING) I think we're
stuck here for a while.

We're going to get tired soon.

Put your head on my chest.

What?

You can put your head
on my chest. Go to sleep.

I'll hold you.

Thanks for your help today.

Yeah.

It was... it was fun.

It was fun, wasn't it?

Hey, um, when we were
in France and you toured

the Louvre, what was
your favorite painting?

The Mona Lisa, of course.

Why?

Because she's complex.

Goodnight, Bryce.

Goodnight, Heather.

Maria!

Mama, where have you been?
I called you a million times.

Look.

(UNZIPPING)

(GASPING)

Oh my God.

Come. Look.

(GASPING)

It's wonderful.

And that's not all.

The reception is beautiful, too.

Maria, do you know who
made this miracle happen?

("CANON IN D" PLAYING)

We are gathered here today
to celebrate the union...

Where am I?

Where am I?!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Be quiet!

Be quiet! Be quiet!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

Oh, right.

Sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.

I am so sorry, Maria. I
wanted to make it better.

I've been horrible to you.

To everyone.

I wanted to be a better person,

to be a good person.

And now look what I've done.

Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

I just ruined your wedding.

No, you didn't. You made it
perfect.

Everyone, this is Heather.

She's responsible
for all of this.

(EVERYONE CLAPPING)

Richard?

What are you doing here?

He's my older brother.

Oh, I didn't realize.

That's where all my roses went.

(LIGHT UPBEAT MUSIC)

I promise to love you and
cherish you

for the rest of our lives.

PRIEST: Maria Rodriguez
and Antonio Sanchez,

today is the day that you have
chosen

to become husband and wife.

We are here not only to
witness the commitment

that you are making to
each other, but also

to wish you every happiness
in your future life together.

So through the power vested
in me, I now pronounce you

husband

and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(GASPING)

(LIGHT UPLIFTING MUSIC)

Good work, Heather.

Paul, what are you doing here?

Hey, I had a part in
this. I should at least

get some free food out of it.

Also, some good news.
I found someone.

Thank you so much for
letting us be a part of this,

Rice and Heather.

No, wait. Heather and Rice.
That sounds much better.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

(LAUGHING)

She looks so happy.

Mm-hmm.

I like making people happy.

I should do it more often.

Heather! A picture!

Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine.

- Yes.
- No, no.

Yes. You, me, and my family.

No.

Wait. We need your father.

I'm missing my father today,

but I know he's here with us.

Okay. Smile, everybody.

BRIDESMAID: Ready?
One, two, three, cheese!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLOSING)

Yay!

(LAUGHING)

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

So what are you up to now?

I was thinking about hanging
out a bit.

You?

I was going to dance a little.

Heather, will you
dance with me?

Heather!

Okay, I can't hide it
anymore. I need your help.

I accidentally killed
a male hooker last week

and things got out of hand
and I dumped him in a river

in Litchfield County and
the cops finally found me

and they're outside and
I need a place to hide.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

HEATHER: On April 5th,
2019, Maria Rodriguez

married Antonio Sanchez.

Maria was 26 and Antonio
was 28 when Antonio

asked for her hand in marriage.

Their relatives traveled
from around the globe

for the happy occasion.

The weather was pristine,
the groom was handsome,

the bride was beautiful, and
Maria's smile

was the centerpiece of it all.

It was her dream wedding.

Now just wait until you see my
wedding.

Ready, Bryce?

BRYCE: Hooah!

♪ 'Cause when I'm with you ♪

♪ Anything is possible ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ Anything is possible ♪

♪ When two wandering
stars shoot the moon ♪

♪ Magic irresistible ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ I know that spark is true ♪

♪ Ooh you made me feel so high ♪

♪ Just as long as I have you ♪

♪ Love would never die ♪

♪ And I know,
and I know, and I know ♪

♪ You feel it, too ♪

♪ So make that jump and
let's raise some hell ♪

♪ Just like we used to do, do ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm with you ♪

♪ Anything is possible ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ Anything is possible ♪

♪ When two wandering
stars shoot the moon ♪

♪ Magic irresistible ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ I know that spark is true ♪

♪ My days have been so thin
without you ♪

♪ Let's go back if
you want to today ♪

♪ We'll dance, we'll
go and throw a party ♪

♪ Our friends will
be so jealous ♪

♪ Make sure you're
on the guest list ♪

♪ 'Cause without
you that's not me ♪

GRETCHEN: Tell him the
honeymoon fell through

and you have
to stay in a Motel 6.

CINDY: Tell him you're
knocked up.

BECKY: Tell him you
were born with a dick.

PANDORA: Nobody likes a
surprise dick.

HEATHER: Don't worry,
girls. I've got a great one.

♪ When two wandering
stars shoot the moon ♪

♪ Magic irresistible ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ Anything is possible ♪

♪ When I'm with you ♪

♪ With you, with you ♪

♪ Anything is possible ♪

♪ When two wandering
stars shoot the moon ♪

♪ Magic irresistible ♪

♪ When I'm, when I'm with you ♪

♪ I know that spark is true ♪

♪ I know that spark is true ♪

♪ I know that spark is true ♪

(SWORD SLICING)

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