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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,793 --> 00:00:04,586 [ Door opens ] 2 00:00:06,241 --> 00:00:08,137 Sorry about the mud, bro. [ Unzips zipper ] 3 00:00:08,172 --> 00:00:09,896 [ Chuckling ] No worries. 4 00:00:09,931 --> 00:00:11,241 So, uh... 5 00:00:11,275 --> 00:00:13,068 me and Johnny are gonna go rape us a donkey. 6 00:00:13,103 --> 00:00:15,068 There might be room for one more, if you're interested. 7 00:00:15,103 --> 00:00:16,862 Uh, no. No, thank you. 8 00:00:16,896 --> 00:00:18,689 I find that quite repulsive. 9 00:00:18,724 --> 00:00:21,724 Also, it's a sin, so even if I wanted to, which I don't -- 10 00:00:21,758 --> 00:00:23,758 You think you're so much better than us, don't you, 11 00:00:23,793 --> 00:00:25,379 Goody Goody?! If you don't want 12 00:00:25,413 --> 00:00:27,379 to be down here, why don't you file an appeal, you dumbass. 13 00:00:27,413 --> 00:00:29,000 You're so good, I don't know why you're down here 14 00:00:29,034 --> 00:00:30,655 in the first place. 15 00:00:30,689 --> 00:00:33,379 [ Door opens, closes ] 16 00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:37,413 Well, son of a B. 17 00:00:37,448 --> 00:00:40,068 ♪♪ 18 00:00:40,103 --> 00:00:42,551 It says you ate meat on a Friday. 19 00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:43,758 -What? -Yeah. 20 00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,068 I-I wouldn't do that. I'm a Catholic. 21 00:00:45,103 --> 00:00:46,689 You know, it's not even a sin anymore. 22 00:00:46,724 --> 00:00:49,827 That kind of makes you want to say "Goddamn it," doesn't it? 23 00:00:49,862 --> 00:00:51,413 Goddamn it. 24 00:00:51,448 --> 00:00:53,241 -Our Father, who art in -- -Oh, get the hell up. 25 00:00:53,275 --> 00:00:56,172 Rest of your record's pretty clean, so... 26 00:00:56,206 --> 00:00:57,931 I think we could put you in the judgment court. 27 00:00:57,965 --> 00:00:59,517 Really?! 28 00:00:59,551 --> 00:01:01,344 Oh, what do I need, a lawyer? 29 00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:02,379 We're in hell, Iggy. 30 00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:03,931 Can't throw a rock without hitting one. 31 00:01:03,965 --> 00:01:05,413 [ Laughs ] 32 00:01:05,448 --> 00:01:06,862 Oh, look... 33 00:01:06,896 --> 00:01:08,586 some rocks. 34 00:01:10,689 --> 00:01:12,551 Let's go get a lawyer. 35 00:01:12,586 --> 00:01:15,034 Okay, I'm sick of this. Who's got my toe? 36 00:01:15,068 --> 00:01:16,758 -Go ahead, give it a shot. -Okay, who's got my toe? 37 00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:22,344 It's two inches long, it's red, it used to have a nail on it -- 38 00:01:22,379 --> 00:01:24,068 [ Thud ] 39 00:01:24,103 --> 00:01:27,310 [ Distant scream ] 40 00:01:27,344 --> 00:01:29,689 Oh, law rocks, law rocks, law rocks! Get! 41 00:01:29,724 --> 00:01:30,931 Come on! 42 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:32,413 Run, you sons of bitches! 43 00:01:32,448 --> 00:01:34,689 Hey, you better get out of here, fool! Law rocks! 44 00:01:34,724 --> 00:01:36,517 [ Gasps ] 45 00:01:43,275 --> 00:01:51,586 ♪♪ 46 00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:53,655 [ Chuckles ] 47 00:01:53,689 --> 00:01:55,137 Hey. 48 00:01:55,172 --> 00:01:56,931 You want me on retainer, 49 00:01:56,965 --> 00:01:59,517 you gotta get a little better aim, fatso! 50 00:01:59,551 --> 00:02:01,241 Ow! 51 00:02:01,275 --> 00:02:03,379 I hit a corporate attorney with 25 years 52 00:02:03,413 --> 00:02:05,068 experience counter-suing cancer victims 53 00:02:05,103 --> 00:02:07,517 for the tobacco companies, and you... 54 00:02:07,551 --> 00:02:09,206 you hit Gary. 55 00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:11,241 Oh, no. 56 00:02:11,275 --> 00:02:13,689 I'm a lawyer now. [ Sighs ] 57 00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:18,586 Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, Troy. 58 00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,724 You must be as nervous as a long-tailed cat 59 00:02:21,758 --> 00:02:23,241 in a room full of rocking chairs. 60 00:02:23,275 --> 00:02:25,827 What, are you gonna cook us all some fried chicken? 61 00:02:25,862 --> 00:02:28,413 All rise. Judge Satan presiding. 62 00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:29,931 Sit down. 63 00:02:29,965 --> 00:02:32,551 [ Clears throat ] Opening statements. 64 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,275 Gary, you're up. 65 00:02:37,172 --> 00:02:40,034 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 66 00:02:40,068 --> 00:02:43,172 an angel walks amongst us here today. 67 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:45,758 He says his nightly prayers every night 68 00:02:45,793 --> 00:02:47,310 before we dip him in battery acid. 69 00:02:47,344 --> 00:02:49,896 Now, I guess the good Lord himself 70 00:02:49,931 --> 00:02:53,172 must have heard those prayers, because I submit to you that 71 00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:56,000 Goody Goody does not belong here. 72 00:02:56,034 --> 00:02:57,655 Mm, not like you, ma'am. 73 00:02:57,689 --> 00:03:02,068 For not only is it no longer a sin to eat meat on a Friday, 74 00:03:02,103 --> 00:03:04,758 nor was it meat, nor did he eat it. 75 00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,310 Nor was it a Friday. 76 00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:09,586 Nor was the man even in the location of day in question! 77 00:03:09,620 --> 00:03:11,931 No further questions! 78 00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:13,758 Well, you're not asking questions. 79 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,586 This is opening statements. 80 00:03:15,620 --> 00:03:18,517 Anybody can ask me a question. I'll answer questions. 81 00:03:18,551 --> 00:03:20,379 Okay, Troy? 82 00:03:23,275 --> 00:03:24,758 TGIF. 83 00:03:24,793 --> 00:03:27,827 Thank God it's Friday, right? 84 00:03:27,862 --> 00:03:33,724 Was God thankful when one of his beloved sons blasphemed him? 85 00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:38,241 Now, we've all heard my less-than-esteemed colleague 86 00:03:38,275 --> 00:03:41,034 talk in a hackneyed southern accent. 87 00:03:41,068 --> 00:03:44,586 And in response to his argument... 88 00:03:44,620 --> 00:03:46,931 where's the beef? 89 00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,310 I'll tell you where the beef was. 90 00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:52,068 In his mouth, down his gullet, 91 00:03:52,103 --> 00:03:54,310 and in every inch of his digestive tract 92 00:03:54,344 --> 00:03:56,448 on the Friday in question. 93 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,344 Thank you. 94 00:04:01,379 --> 00:04:02,931 [ Murmuring ] 95 00:04:02,965 --> 00:04:05,034 -I think he sucked. -All right. 96 00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:07,000 [ Clears throat ] Gary. 97 00:04:07,034 --> 00:04:09,310 I'd like to call Goody Goody to the stand. 98 00:04:09,344 --> 00:04:10,413 Oh. 99 00:04:10,448 --> 00:04:13,379 Now, Goody Goody, what was your profession 100 00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,551 while you resided on the planet earth? 101 00:04:15,586 --> 00:04:18,896 I was owner and manager of Q-Munion Barbecue. 102 00:04:18,931 --> 00:04:22,413 Q-Munion Barbecue, the most awkwardly named 103 00:04:22,448 --> 00:04:25,689 Catholic-themed barbecue restaurant in all of Texas. 104 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,068 -Yes, sir. -I'd like to submit 105 00:04:27,103 --> 00:04:29,896 this next video as evidence to the court. 106 00:04:29,931 --> 00:04:32,827 Footage of Goody at the back of his restaurant. 107 00:04:32,862 --> 00:04:34,551 Now, would you walk me through this? 108 00:04:34,586 --> 00:04:36,758 Ignatius: I'd spent the day serving food to the homeless. 109 00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:38,931 Gary: And something like that's gotta make a man hungry. 110 00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:40,724 Mm, just looking at that 111 00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,068 'cue like a big, wet, brown butt. 112 00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:44,482 Just want to put your face in it. 113 00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:46,310 Now, why don't you just walk over there 114 00:04:46,344 --> 00:04:48,931 and just take a hunk off of that beef and put it in your mouth? 115 00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,758 Ignatius: Because it was 10 minutes after midnight, 116 00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:52,000 Friday morning. 117 00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,517 So what did you do with the meat? 118 00:04:53,551 --> 00:04:56,068 Well, I loaded it up in my truck, and I drove west. 119 00:04:56,103 --> 00:04:58,000 You were tired, you were hungry, 120 00:04:58,034 --> 00:05:00,172 and you were distracted by the waves 121 00:05:00,206 --> 00:05:02,517 of odor coming off that flesh, 122 00:05:02,551 --> 00:05:04,896 just steaming that windshield, weren't you? 123 00:05:04,931 --> 00:05:07,034 Yes, sir. The meat looked so good, 124 00:05:07,068 --> 00:05:09,724 I guess I just took my eyes off the road. 125 00:05:09,758 --> 00:05:14,068 [ Imitating tires squealing ] 126 00:05:14,103 --> 00:05:16,172 Ooh. Well, why don't you just reach over, 127 00:05:16,206 --> 00:05:18,172 and you could have had the barbecue then. 128 00:05:18,206 --> 00:05:19,310 No. 129 00:05:19,344 --> 00:05:20,931 I'm sure that Jesus would have forgiven you. 130 00:05:20,965 --> 00:05:23,068 No. No, sir! I would never do that. 131 00:05:23,103 --> 00:05:25,413 I grabbed as much of it as I could hold, 132 00:05:25,448 --> 00:05:27,034 and I tried to run west. 133 00:05:27,068 --> 00:05:28,689 And if it pleases the court, 134 00:05:28,724 --> 00:05:31,655 I've got two fistfuls of pork from pork circle. 135 00:05:31,689 --> 00:05:35,379 Mr. Goody Goody, would you say you ran something like this? 136 00:05:35,413 --> 00:05:37,758 Objection! No one is questioning his ability 137 00:05:37,793 --> 00:05:39,310 to run with meat in his hands! 138 00:05:39,344 --> 00:05:40,827 I've got pork! Oh, I got pork, I got pork! 139 00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,413 I will allow it. It is highly entertaining. 140 00:05:42,448 --> 00:05:45,482 I got pork, I got pork! Three broken ribs. 141 00:05:45,517 --> 00:05:49,413 He ran for three and a half miles across to Hudspeth County 142 00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:52,413 with two hands filled with wet, saucy barbecue. 143 00:05:52,448 --> 00:05:54,344 Now, I want you to freeze the frame here. 144 00:05:54,379 --> 00:05:56,379 Let's freeze the tape of that. Freeze-frame. 145 00:05:56,413 --> 00:05:59,586 Enhance, enhance, enhance. 146 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,068 Thank you. 12:57! 147 00:06:02,103 --> 00:06:07,413 That's what I was saying -- after midnight on Friday. 148 00:06:07,448 --> 00:06:09,206 Any man's mistake. 149 00:06:09,241 --> 00:06:12,068 Hudspeth County is actually the only county in Texas 150 00:06:12,103 --> 00:06:13,862 in the Mountain Time Zone. 151 00:06:13,896 --> 00:06:15,931 Now, I'm a simple man. 152 00:06:15,965 --> 00:06:18,413 People would say I'm a stupid man. 153 00:06:18,448 --> 00:06:19,931 But it seems to me that 154 00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:22,413 Goody ran from Central to Mountain. 155 00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,482 So I submit to you... 156 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:27,172 it was not 12:57 on a Friday morning, 157 00:06:27,206 --> 00:06:30,827 it was 11:57 on a Thursday evening. 158 00:06:30,862 --> 00:06:32,655 No further questions. Yeah! 159 00:06:32,689 --> 00:06:34,517 Whoo! 160 00:06:34,551 --> 00:06:36,241 All y'all doubted me. 161 00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:41,655 Troy: All right. 162 00:06:41,689 --> 00:06:43,379 We're willing to cut you a deal. 163 00:06:43,413 --> 00:06:45,241 He'll spend six months in purgatory, 164 00:06:45,275 --> 00:06:47,931 but then he can go straight up to heaven. 165 00:06:47,965 --> 00:06:49,206 Here's my counter. 166 00:06:49,241 --> 00:06:50,482 My client goes straight to heaven, 167 00:06:50,517 --> 00:06:52,068 I get a written apology from Satan, 168 00:06:52,103 --> 00:06:54,310 and you eat my shit, Troy. 169 00:06:54,344 --> 00:06:56,379 -We're out of here. -Okay, that's fine. 170 00:06:56,413 --> 00:06:58,137 We'll give you -- We'll give you everything but the last part. 171 00:06:58,172 --> 00:07:00,931 Oh, that's tougher than titties on a turtle, Troy, 172 00:07:00,965 --> 00:07:03,034 because the window is closed on that deal. 173 00:07:03,068 --> 00:07:05,034 No. Because, you see, he's giving us everything. 174 00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:08,000 -I think I know what I'm doing. -I'll eat -- I'll eat one turd. 175 00:07:09,689 --> 00:07:11,379 He's bluffing. Let's go! 176 00:07:15,413 --> 00:07:19,655 [ Clears throat ] All that barbecue. Mm! 177 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:23,379 That was some good-looking 'cue. 178 00:07:23,413 --> 00:07:24,896 All that barbecue. 179 00:07:24,931 --> 00:07:27,517 Objection! Badgering my witness. 180 00:07:27,551 --> 00:07:30,000 You got nothing, and you know it, Troy. 181 00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,000 Satan: Overruled. Continue. 182 00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,241 Typically, a restaurant will have meat and three. 183 00:07:35,275 --> 00:07:37,344 Mm. Did you have any sides with it? 184 00:07:37,379 --> 00:07:40,068 Objection! This is a fishing exhibition. 185 00:07:40,103 --> 00:07:42,413 Collard greens are not on trial here. 186 00:07:42,448 --> 00:07:47,517 The video shows you had beans, coleslaw, and a... 187 00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,344 Wait, what the hell is that? 188 00:07:49,379 --> 00:07:52,517 Is that a tube sock on the barbecue? 189 00:07:52,551 --> 00:07:54,413 Sometimes I like to put tube socks on the meat 190 00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:56,034 'cause it seals in the juices. 191 00:07:56,068 --> 00:07:57,896 -That looks like a wristwatch. -Objection! 192 00:07:57,931 --> 00:07:59,206 Objection, that is a meat thermometer. 193 00:07:59,241 --> 00:08:00,758 Is that a meat thermometer? 194 00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,586 Do turkey legs have fingernails? 195 00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:04,689 -That's pretty messed up, man. -Right? 196 00:08:04,724 --> 00:08:07,068 It's a person! He's a cannibal! 197 00:08:07,103 --> 00:08:09,586 [ Murmuring, gavel bangs ] 198 00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:10,862 [ Laughs ] 199 00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,034 -Troy? -Oh. 200 00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:13,241 Really good news. 201 00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,724 I've been talking with my client, 202 00:08:14,758 --> 00:08:17,896 and I think I got him to agree to take the deal, so... 203 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,655 You mean your client who testified 204 00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,068 that he helped the homeless? 205 00:08:21,103 --> 00:08:23,724 He helps the homeless all right, right into the oven. 206 00:08:23,758 --> 00:08:25,827 He's making a hobo chorizo. 207 00:08:25,862 --> 00:08:27,172 Oh, my God. 208 00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:29,206 What if we do a thing where, uh, 209 00:08:29,241 --> 00:08:33,137 he splits time between here and heaven? 210 00:08:33,172 --> 00:08:35,068 I'm just trying to save some face. 211 00:08:35,103 --> 00:08:38,379 Your client liked to save face, too -- in his freezer. 212 00:08:38,413 --> 00:08:39,586 I will see you in court. 213 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,862 And I think that you will be very surprised 214 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,172 at how many tricks I have left up my sleeves. 215 00:08:45,206 --> 00:08:48,413 I think we're all out of moves here. 216 00:08:48,448 --> 00:08:50,068 God help me. 217 00:08:50,103 --> 00:08:51,758 You're not a Goody Goody. 218 00:08:51,793 --> 00:08:54,137 You're a Baddy Baddy. 219 00:08:54,172 --> 00:08:55,758 I gotta go take a whiz. 220 00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:57,241 Just make sure not to eat anybody 221 00:08:57,275 --> 00:09:00,172 on the way to the bathroom! 222 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:07,379 That was a joke. 223 00:09:07,413 --> 00:09:09,034 You couldn't get a napkin? 224 00:09:09,068 --> 00:09:10,724 Big N' Wide: All rise. 225 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,517 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit down. 226 00:09:13,551 --> 00:09:15,517 Where's my prosecutor? 227 00:09:15,551 --> 00:09:16,931 [ Door opens ]I'm here! 228 00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:18,758 I'm here. 229 00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:20,034 [ Grunts ] 230 00:09:20,068 --> 00:09:22,137 Your Honor... 231 00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:26,034 I would like to drop all charges against Goody Goody. 232 00:09:26,068 --> 00:09:27,413 What, he can't go to heaven -- he's a cannibal. 233 00:09:27,448 --> 00:09:29,586 He has no business in heaven. I agree with Troy. 234 00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:32,413 -I agree with you, Gary. -I'm agreeing with you. 235 00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:35,689 -Shut up, Gary! Shut up! -Order. Order! 236 00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:37,310 [ Clears throat ] 237 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:40,068 All rise. 238 00:09:40,103 --> 00:09:42,586 You, too, Troy. 239 00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:45,310 Come on. [ Laughs ] 240 00:09:45,344 --> 00:09:46,413 There we go. 241 00:09:46,448 --> 00:09:48,896 On the charge of eating meat on a Friday, 242 00:09:48,931 --> 00:09:50,758 we find the defendant... 243 00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:53,310 not guilty. 244 00:09:53,344 --> 00:09:56,379 But on the charge of eating people on a Thursday, 245 00:09:56,413 --> 00:09:58,482 yeah, he's definitely guilty. 246 00:09:58,517 --> 00:09:59,689 Thank you. 247 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,413 Look, I don't want to legislate from the bench, 248 00:10:01,448 --> 00:10:05,137 but the Bible simply does not mention cannibalism as a sin. 249 00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,586 What? 250 00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:08,931 But you're finding against the defendant? 251 00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:12,034 Yes. We find the defendant guilty. 252 00:10:12,068 --> 00:10:14,965 [ All gasping ] 253 00:10:24,068 --> 00:10:25,862 [ Clears throat ] I'm sorry, I meant to say 254 00:10:25,896 --> 00:10:27,310 that we find the defendant not guilty. 255 00:10:27,344 --> 00:10:28,827 -Not guilty. -Not guilty. 256 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,586 -Not guilty. -Not guilty. 257 00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:32,931 My bad. 258 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,206 What just happened? 259 00:10:35,241 --> 00:10:36,586 My hands are tied here. 260 00:10:36,620 --> 00:10:39,482 I have to find the defendant not guilty. 261 00:10:39,517 --> 00:10:42,931 Why did we even do this? 262 00:10:42,965 --> 00:10:44,862 [ Chuckles ] I gotta tell you again, I'm sorry, 263 00:10:44,896 --> 00:10:46,551 I guess I misjudged you. 264 00:10:46,586 --> 00:10:47,758 Yeah, you did. 265 00:10:47,793 --> 00:10:49,724 Literally misjudged him. 266 00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:52,724 Gary, thank you for everything. 267 00:10:52,758 --> 00:10:55,724 No hard feelings. 268 00:10:55,758 --> 00:10:57,344 Good luck up there, big guy. 269 00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:59,827 Excuse me! I can't stop it! 270 00:10:59,862 --> 00:11:01,586 -You got -- -Oh! 271 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:03,827 [ Bell dings ] 272 00:11:03,862 --> 00:11:05,724 Uh, is this Ignatius? 273 00:11:05,758 --> 00:11:08,068 -Yep. -All right. 274 00:11:09,379 --> 00:11:11,103 You're doomed. 19710

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