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1
00:00:02,793 --> 00:00:04,586
[ Door opens ]
2
00:00:06,241 --> 00:00:08,137
Sorry about the mud, bro.
[ Unzips zipper ]
3
00:00:08,172 --> 00:00:09,896
[ Chuckling ]
No worries.
4
00:00:09,931 --> 00:00:11,241
So, uh...
5
00:00:11,275 --> 00:00:13,068
me and Johnny are gonna
go rape us a donkey.
6
00:00:13,103 --> 00:00:15,068
There might be room for
one more, if you're interested.
7
00:00:15,103 --> 00:00:16,862
Uh, no.
No, thank you.
8
00:00:16,896 --> 00:00:18,689
I find that
quite repulsive.
9
00:00:18,724 --> 00:00:21,724
Also, it's a sin, so even
if I wanted to, which I don't --
10
00:00:21,758 --> 00:00:23,758
You think you're so much
better than us, don't you,
11
00:00:23,793 --> 00:00:25,379
Goody Goody?!
If you don't want
12
00:00:25,413 --> 00:00:27,379
to be down here, why don't you
file an appeal, you dumbass.
13
00:00:27,413 --> 00:00:29,000
You're so good, I don't know
why you're down here
14
00:00:29,034 --> 00:00:30,655
in the first place.
15
00:00:30,689 --> 00:00:33,379
[ Door opens, closes ]
16
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:37,413
Well, son of a B.
17
00:00:37,448 --> 00:00:40,068
♪♪
18
00:00:40,103 --> 00:00:42,551
It says you ate meat
on a Friday.
19
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:43,758
-What?
-Yeah.
20
00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,068
I-I wouldn't do that.
I'm a Catholic.
21
00:00:45,103 --> 00:00:46,689
You know, it's not even
a sin anymore.
22
00:00:46,724 --> 00:00:49,827
That kind of makes you want
to say "Goddamn it," doesn't it?
23
00:00:49,862 --> 00:00:51,413
Goddamn it.
24
00:00:51,448 --> 00:00:53,241
-Our Father, who art in --
-Oh, get the hell up.
25
00:00:53,275 --> 00:00:56,172
Rest of your record's
pretty clean, so...
26
00:00:56,206 --> 00:00:57,931
I think we could put you
in the judgment court.
27
00:00:57,965 --> 00:00:59,517
Really?!
28
00:00:59,551 --> 00:01:01,344
Oh, what do I need, a lawyer?
29
00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:02,379
We're in hell, Iggy.
30
00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:03,931
Can't throw a rock
without hitting one.
31
00:01:03,965 --> 00:01:05,413
[ Laughs ]
32
00:01:05,448 --> 00:01:06,862
Oh, look...
33
00:01:06,896 --> 00:01:08,586
some rocks.
34
00:01:10,689 --> 00:01:12,551
Let's go get a lawyer.
35
00:01:12,586 --> 00:01:15,034
Okay, I'm sick of this.
Who's got my toe?
36
00:01:15,068 --> 00:01:16,758
-Go ahead, give it a shot.
-Okay, who's got my toe?
37
00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:22,344
It's two inches long, it's red,
it used to have a nail on it --
38
00:01:22,379 --> 00:01:24,068
[ Thud ]
39
00:01:24,103 --> 00:01:27,310
[ Distant scream ]
40
00:01:27,344 --> 00:01:29,689
Oh, law rocks,
law rocks, law rocks! Get!
41
00:01:29,724 --> 00:01:30,931
Come on!
42
00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:32,413
Run, you sons of bitches!
43
00:01:32,448 --> 00:01:34,689
Hey, you better get out
of here, fool! Law rocks!
44
00:01:34,724 --> 00:01:36,517
[ Gasps ]
45
00:01:43,275 --> 00:01:51,586
♪♪
46
00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:53,655
[ Chuckles ]
47
00:01:53,689 --> 00:01:55,137
Hey.
48
00:01:55,172 --> 00:01:56,931
You want me on retainer,
49
00:01:56,965 --> 00:01:59,517
you gotta get
a little better aim, fatso!
50
00:01:59,551 --> 00:02:01,241
Ow!
51
00:02:01,275 --> 00:02:03,379
I hit a corporate attorney
with 25 years
52
00:02:03,413 --> 00:02:05,068
experience
counter-suing cancer victims
53
00:02:05,103 --> 00:02:07,517
for the tobacco companies,
and you...
54
00:02:07,551 --> 00:02:09,206
you hit Gary.
55
00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:11,241
Oh, no.
56
00:02:11,275 --> 00:02:13,689
I'm a lawyer now.
[ Sighs ]
57
00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:18,586
Well, butter my butt
and call me a biscuit, Troy.
58
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,724
You must be as nervous
as a long-tailed cat
59
00:02:21,758 --> 00:02:23,241
in a room
full of rocking chairs.
60
00:02:23,275 --> 00:02:25,827
What, are you gonna cook us
all some fried chicken?
61
00:02:25,862 --> 00:02:28,413
All rise.
Judge Satan presiding.
62
00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:29,931
Sit down.
63
00:02:29,965 --> 00:02:32,551
[ Clears throat ]
Opening statements.
64
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,275
Gary, you're up.
65
00:02:37,172 --> 00:02:40,034
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
66
00:02:40,068 --> 00:02:43,172
an angel walks
amongst us here today.
67
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:45,758
He says his nightly prayers
every night
68
00:02:45,793 --> 00:02:47,310
before we dip him
in battery acid.
69
00:02:47,344 --> 00:02:49,896
Now, I guess the good
Lord himself
70
00:02:49,931 --> 00:02:53,172
must have heard those prayers,
because I submit to you that
71
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:56,000
Goody Goody
does not belong here.
72
00:02:56,034 --> 00:02:57,655
Mm, not like you, ma'am.
73
00:02:57,689 --> 00:03:02,068
For not only is it no longer
a sin to eat meat on a Friday,
74
00:03:02,103 --> 00:03:04,758
nor was it meat,
nor did he eat it.
75
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,310
Nor was it a Friday.
76
00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:09,586
Nor was the man even in
the location of day in question!
77
00:03:09,620 --> 00:03:11,931
No further questions!
78
00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:13,758
Well, you're not
asking questions.
79
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,586
This is opening statements.
80
00:03:15,620 --> 00:03:18,517
Anybody can ask me a question.
I'll answer questions.
81
00:03:18,551 --> 00:03:20,379
Okay, Troy?
82
00:03:23,275 --> 00:03:24,758
TGIF.
83
00:03:24,793 --> 00:03:27,827
Thank God it's Friday, right?
84
00:03:27,862 --> 00:03:33,724
Was God thankful when one of
his beloved sons blasphemed him?
85
00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:38,241
Now, we've all heard
my less-than-esteemed colleague
86
00:03:38,275 --> 00:03:41,034
talk in a hackneyed
southern accent.
87
00:03:41,068 --> 00:03:44,586
And in response
to his argument...
88
00:03:44,620 --> 00:03:46,931
where's the beef?
89
00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,310
I'll tell you where
the beef was.
90
00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:52,068
In his mouth, down his gullet,
91
00:03:52,103 --> 00:03:54,310
and in every inch
of his digestive tract
92
00:03:54,344 --> 00:03:56,448
on the Friday
in question.
93
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,344
Thank you.
94
00:04:01,379 --> 00:04:02,931
[ Murmuring ]
95
00:04:02,965 --> 00:04:05,034
-I think he sucked.
-All right.
96
00:04:05,068 --> 00:04:07,000
[ Clears throat ] Gary.
97
00:04:07,034 --> 00:04:09,310
I'd like to call Goody Goody
to the stand.
98
00:04:09,344 --> 00:04:10,413
Oh.
99
00:04:10,448 --> 00:04:13,379
Now, Goody Goody,
what was your profession
100
00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,551
while you resided
on the planet earth?
101
00:04:15,586 --> 00:04:18,896
I was owner and manager
of Q-Munion Barbecue.
102
00:04:18,931 --> 00:04:22,413
Q-Munion Barbecue,
the most awkwardly named
103
00:04:22,448 --> 00:04:25,689
Catholic-themed barbecue
restaurant in all of Texas.
104
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,068
-Yes, sir.
-I'd like to submit
105
00:04:27,103 --> 00:04:29,896
this next video as evidence
to the court.
106
00:04:29,931 --> 00:04:32,827
Footage of Goody
at the back of his restaurant.
107
00:04:32,862 --> 00:04:34,551
Now, would you walk me
through this?
108
00:04:34,586 --> 00:04:36,758
Ignatius: I'd spent the day
serving food to the homeless.
109
00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:38,931
Gary: And something like
that's gotta make a man hungry.
110
00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:40,724
Mm, just looking at that
111
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,068
'cue like a big,
wet, brown butt.
112
00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:44,482
Just want to put
your face in it.
113
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:46,310
Now, why don't you just walk
over there
114
00:04:46,344 --> 00:04:48,931
and just take a hunk off of that
beef and put it in your mouth?
115
00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,758
Ignatius: Because it was
10 minutes after midnight,
116
00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:52,000
Friday morning.
117
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:53,517
So what did you do
with the meat?
118
00:04:53,551 --> 00:04:56,068
Well, I loaded it up in
my truck, and I drove west.
119
00:04:56,103 --> 00:04:58,000
You were tired,
you were hungry,
120
00:04:58,034 --> 00:05:00,172
and you were distracted
by the waves
121
00:05:00,206 --> 00:05:02,517
of odor coming
off that flesh,
122
00:05:02,551 --> 00:05:04,896
just steaming that
windshield, weren't you?
123
00:05:04,931 --> 00:05:07,034
Yes, sir.
The meat looked so good,
124
00:05:07,068 --> 00:05:09,724
I guess I just took
my eyes off the road.
125
00:05:09,758 --> 00:05:14,068
[ Imitating tires squealing ]
126
00:05:14,103 --> 00:05:16,172
Ooh. Well, why don't you
just reach over,
127
00:05:16,206 --> 00:05:18,172
and you could have had
the barbecue then.
128
00:05:18,206 --> 00:05:19,310
No.
129
00:05:19,344 --> 00:05:20,931
I'm sure that Jesus
would have forgiven you.
130
00:05:20,965 --> 00:05:23,068
No. No, sir!
I would never do that.
131
00:05:23,103 --> 00:05:25,413
I grabbed as much of it
as I could hold,
132
00:05:25,448 --> 00:05:27,034
and I tried to run west.
133
00:05:27,068 --> 00:05:28,689
And if it
pleases the court,
134
00:05:28,724 --> 00:05:31,655
I've got two fistfuls of pork
from pork circle.
135
00:05:31,689 --> 00:05:35,379
Mr. Goody Goody, would you say
you ran something like this?
136
00:05:35,413 --> 00:05:37,758
Objection! No one is
questioning his ability
137
00:05:37,793 --> 00:05:39,310
to run with meat
in his hands!
138
00:05:39,344 --> 00:05:40,827
I've got pork!
Oh, I got pork, I got pork!
139
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:42,413
I will allow it.
It is highly entertaining.
140
00:05:42,448 --> 00:05:45,482
I got pork, I got pork!
Three broken ribs.
141
00:05:45,517 --> 00:05:49,413
He ran for three and a half
miles across to Hudspeth County
142
00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:52,413
with two hands filled with wet,
saucy barbecue.
143
00:05:52,448 --> 00:05:54,344
Now, I want you to freeze
the frame here.
144
00:05:54,379 --> 00:05:56,379
Let's freeze the tape of that.
Freeze-frame.
145
00:05:56,413 --> 00:05:59,586
Enhance,
enhance, enhance.
146
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,068
Thank you.
12:57!
147
00:06:02,103 --> 00:06:07,413
That's what I was saying --
after midnight on Friday.
148
00:06:07,448 --> 00:06:09,206
Any man's mistake.
149
00:06:09,241 --> 00:06:12,068
Hudspeth County is actually
the only county in Texas
150
00:06:12,103 --> 00:06:13,862
in the Mountain
Time Zone.
151
00:06:13,896 --> 00:06:15,931
Now, I'm a simple man.
152
00:06:15,965 --> 00:06:18,413
People would say
I'm a stupid man.
153
00:06:18,448 --> 00:06:19,931
But it seems to me that
154
00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:22,413
Goody ran from Central
to Mountain.
155
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,482
So I submit to you...
156
00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:27,172
it was not 12:57
on a Friday morning,
157
00:06:27,206 --> 00:06:30,827
it was 11:57
on a Thursday evening.
158
00:06:30,862 --> 00:06:32,655
No further questions.
Yeah!
159
00:06:32,689 --> 00:06:34,517
Whoo!
160
00:06:34,551 --> 00:06:36,241
All y'all doubted me.
161
00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:41,655
Troy: All right.
162
00:06:41,689 --> 00:06:43,379
We're willing to cut you a deal.
163
00:06:43,413 --> 00:06:45,241
He'll spend six months
in purgatory,
164
00:06:45,275 --> 00:06:47,931
but then he can go
straight up to heaven.
165
00:06:47,965 --> 00:06:49,206
Here's my counter.
166
00:06:49,241 --> 00:06:50,482
My client goes straight
to heaven,
167
00:06:50,517 --> 00:06:52,068
I get a written apology
from Satan,
168
00:06:52,103 --> 00:06:54,310
and you eat my shit, Troy.
169
00:06:54,344 --> 00:06:56,379
-We're out of here.
-Okay, that's fine.
170
00:06:56,413 --> 00:06:58,137
We'll give you -- We'll give you
everything but the last part.
171
00:06:58,172 --> 00:07:00,931
Oh, that's tougher
than titties on a turtle, Troy,
172
00:07:00,965 --> 00:07:03,034
because the window
is closed on that deal.
173
00:07:03,068 --> 00:07:05,034
No. Because, you see,
he's giving us everything.
174
00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:08,000
-I think I know what I'm doing.
-I'll eat -- I'll eat one turd.
175
00:07:09,689 --> 00:07:11,379
He's bluffing.
Let's go!
176
00:07:15,413 --> 00:07:19,655
[ Clears throat ]
All that barbecue. Mm!
177
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:23,379
That was some good-looking 'cue.
178
00:07:23,413 --> 00:07:24,896
All that barbecue.
179
00:07:24,931 --> 00:07:27,517
Objection!
Badgering my witness.
180
00:07:27,551 --> 00:07:30,000
You got nothing,
and you know it, Troy.
181
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:32,000
Satan: Overruled.
Continue.
182
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:35,241
Typically, a restaurant
will have meat and three.
183
00:07:35,275 --> 00:07:37,344
Mm.
Did you have any sides with it?
184
00:07:37,379 --> 00:07:40,068
Objection!
This is a fishing exhibition.
185
00:07:40,103 --> 00:07:42,413
Collard greens are not
on trial here.
186
00:07:42,448 --> 00:07:47,517
The video shows you had beans,
coleslaw, and a...
187
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,344
Wait, what the hell is that?
188
00:07:49,379 --> 00:07:52,517
Is that a tube sock
on the barbecue?
189
00:07:52,551 --> 00:07:54,413
Sometimes I like to put
tube socks on the meat
190
00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:56,034
'cause it seals
in the juices.
191
00:07:56,068 --> 00:07:57,896
-That looks like a wristwatch.
-Objection!
192
00:07:57,931 --> 00:07:59,206
Objection, that is
a meat thermometer.
193
00:07:59,241 --> 00:08:00,758
Is that a meat thermometer?
194
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,586
Do turkey legs
have fingernails?
195
00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:04,689
-That's pretty messed up, man.
-Right?
196
00:08:04,724 --> 00:08:07,068
It's a person!
He's a cannibal!
197
00:08:07,103 --> 00:08:09,586
[ Murmuring, gavel bangs ]
198
00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:10,862
[ Laughs ]
199
00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,034
-Troy?
-Oh.
200
00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:13,241
Really good news.
201
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,724
I've been talking
with my client,
202
00:08:14,758 --> 00:08:17,896
and I think I got him to agree
to take the deal, so...
203
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,655
You mean your client
who testified
204
00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,068
that he helped
the homeless?
205
00:08:21,103 --> 00:08:23,724
He helps the homeless all right,
right into the oven.
206
00:08:23,758 --> 00:08:25,827
He's making a hobo chorizo.
207
00:08:25,862 --> 00:08:27,172
Oh, my God.
208
00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:29,206
What if we do
a thing where, uh,
209
00:08:29,241 --> 00:08:33,137
he splits time
between here and heaven?
210
00:08:33,172 --> 00:08:35,068
I'm just trying to save
some face.
211
00:08:35,103 --> 00:08:38,379
Your client liked to save face,
too -- in his freezer.
212
00:08:38,413 --> 00:08:39,586
I will see you in court.
213
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,862
And I think that you will be
very surprised
214
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:45,172
at how many tricks
I have left up my sleeves.
215
00:08:45,206 --> 00:08:48,413
I think we're all out
of moves here.
216
00:08:48,448 --> 00:08:50,068
God help me.
217
00:08:50,103 --> 00:08:51,758
You're not a Goody Goody.
218
00:08:51,793 --> 00:08:54,137
You're a Baddy Baddy.
219
00:08:54,172 --> 00:08:55,758
I gotta go take a whiz.
220
00:08:55,793 --> 00:08:57,241
Just make sure
not to eat anybody
221
00:08:57,275 --> 00:09:00,172
on the way to the bathroom!
222
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:07,379
That was a joke.
223
00:09:07,413 --> 00:09:09,034
You couldn't get
a napkin?
224
00:09:09,068 --> 00:09:10,724
Big N' Wide: All rise.
225
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:13,517
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sit down.
226
00:09:13,551 --> 00:09:15,517
Where's my prosecutor?
227
00:09:15,551 --> 00:09:16,931
[ Door opens ]I'm here!
228
00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:18,758
I'm here.
229
00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:20,034
[ Grunts ]
230
00:09:20,068 --> 00:09:22,137
Your Honor...
231
00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:26,034
I would like to drop all charges
against Goody Goody.
232
00:09:26,068 --> 00:09:27,413
What, he can't go to heaven --
he's a cannibal.
233
00:09:27,448 --> 00:09:29,586
He has no business in heaven.
I agree with Troy.
234
00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:32,413
-I agree with you, Gary.
-I'm agreeing with you.
235
00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:35,689
-Shut up, Gary! Shut up!
-Order. Order!
236
00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:37,310
[ Clears throat ]
237
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:40,068
All rise.
238
00:09:40,103 --> 00:09:42,586
You, too, Troy.
239
00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:45,310
Come on.
[ Laughs ]
240
00:09:45,344 --> 00:09:46,413
There we go.
241
00:09:46,448 --> 00:09:48,896
On the charge of eating meat
on a Friday,
242
00:09:48,931 --> 00:09:50,758
we find the defendant...
243
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:53,310
not guilty.
244
00:09:53,344 --> 00:09:56,379
But on the charge of eating
people on a Thursday,
245
00:09:56,413 --> 00:09:58,482
yeah,
he's definitely guilty.
246
00:09:58,517 --> 00:09:59,689
Thank you.
247
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,413
Look, I don't want to legislate
from the bench,
248
00:10:01,448 --> 00:10:05,137
but the Bible simply does not
mention cannibalism as a sin.
249
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,586
What?
250
00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:08,931
But you're finding against
the defendant?
251
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:12,034
Yes.
We find the defendant guilty.
252
00:10:12,068 --> 00:10:14,965
[ All gasping ]
253
00:10:24,068 --> 00:10:25,862
[ Clears throat ] I'm sorry,
I meant to say
254
00:10:25,896 --> 00:10:27,310
that we find
the defendant not guilty.
255
00:10:27,344 --> 00:10:28,827
-Not guilty.
-Not guilty.
256
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,586
-Not guilty.
-Not guilty.
257
00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:32,931
My bad.
258
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,206
What just happened?
259
00:10:35,241 --> 00:10:36,586
My hands are tied here.
260
00:10:36,620 --> 00:10:39,482
I have to find the defendant
not guilty.
261
00:10:39,517 --> 00:10:42,931
Why did we even do this?
262
00:10:42,965 --> 00:10:44,862
[ Chuckles ] I gotta tell you
again, I'm sorry,
263
00:10:44,896 --> 00:10:46,551
I guess I misjudged you.
264
00:10:46,586 --> 00:10:47,758
Yeah, you did.
265
00:10:47,793 --> 00:10:49,724
Literally misjudged him.
266
00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:52,724
Gary, thank you
for everything.
267
00:10:52,758 --> 00:10:55,724
No hard feelings.
268
00:10:55,758 --> 00:10:57,344
Good luck up there,
big guy.
269
00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:59,827
Excuse me!
I can't stop it!
270
00:10:59,862 --> 00:11:01,586
-You got --
-Oh!
271
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:03,827
[ Bell dings ]
272
00:11:03,862 --> 00:11:05,724
Uh, is this Ignatius?
273
00:11:05,758 --> 00:11:08,068
-Yep.
-All right.
274
00:11:09,379 --> 00:11:11,103
You're doomed.
19710
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