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>> you guys want the inside line
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On what's going on in today's
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Meeting?
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>> what?
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>> layoffs.
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>> man, be for real.
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Ain't no layoffs coming.
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>> layoffs, and they're doing it
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By weight.
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So I think I'm gonna be the
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First one.
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That's what claude said.
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I've been eating dirt and rocks
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Like a chicken does for, like,
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Digestion 'cause it's making me
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Heavier.
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We're gonna get laid off today.
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>> [ sighs ]
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>> oh, satan's coming.
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Satan's coming.
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[ applause ]
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>> I'm sure you've all heard the
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Rumors by now about the possible
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Layoffs.
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They're not true.
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Here's the problem.
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Souls are way down, all right?
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So I've decided to try something
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A little different, all right?
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Eddie!
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>> oh!
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>> this could be your future.
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Take a look at this.
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>> gee.
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>> positive reinfor--
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>> [ panting ]
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>>looks about a gallon low
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There, eddie.
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>> oh, no, it's, uh, it's hot
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Down here, sir.
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It's probably evaporation.
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Okay.
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Maybe I took a tiny, tiny sip.
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[ crackling ]
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[ screams ]
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>> I'm sorry, where was I?
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>> positive reinforcement.
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>> positive reinforcement.
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Thank you, claude.
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>> you're very welcome.
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>> the contest.
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You all have 24 hours up on
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Earth to harvest as many souls
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As you can.
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First place -- all the sweet,
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Sweet water you can drink.
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And for the rest of you, a
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Slumber party in the break room.
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>> aah!
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>> break room sucks.
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>> the hellmouth is open.
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Let's get cracking!
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[ "Ave maria" plays ]
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>> knock, knock.
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>> can I help you?
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>> the hellmouth's open.
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>> yeah.
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I'll get up there this
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Afternoon.
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I got to go talk to h.R.
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>> oh, is it a sexual-harassment
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Claim?
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>> no.
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>> I had to do that with the
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Masturbating spider from...
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And then guess who they sent to
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Interview me.
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>> the masturbating spider.
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>> then he held me down, and he,
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Like, masturbated all over me,
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And I was like, "Guys, this is a
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Conflict of interest."
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>> bring that back.
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[ indistinct conversations ]
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>> wait a minute, wait a minute.
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Hold that door! Hold that door!
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Hey! Wait a minute!
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>> ooh!
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>> ah, geez.
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[ groans ]
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[ sighs ]
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[ coughing ]
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Come on!
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>> young lady!
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Young lady!
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Have you considered selling your
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Soul to the devil?
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>> yo, I was gonna ask you the
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Same thing.
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Come on, man.
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>> diz, I'm working undercover,
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Too.
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Oh, hey, guy.
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Hey, guy.
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What if I could make your
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Wildest dreams come true?
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And you're benji.
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>> we already got this mall
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Staked out, playa.
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>> you serious about that?
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>> you better watch your tone
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With me.
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>> aw, man.
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Who wants to be young again?
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Imagine all night at the club,
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Drinking and dancing, pretty,
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Tight, young people grinding
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Against you, you know?
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I mean, not so much him, but
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There's a clipboard going
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Around.
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You can tell a lot about a
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Person by their handwriting.
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I'm sorry.
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I'll give you your space.
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>> don't you want juicy?
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Yes, you do.
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>> you know, actually, I'm good
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On juice.
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You know, satan loves kids, and
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Not just to eat.
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And if you could maybe hit my
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Ass with that wet wipe over
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There, we could talk about if
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Hell's right for you.
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I got you triple sec.
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They only had coconut, but --
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Diz!
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Come on, man.
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You saw me talking to him.
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>> I didn't see your name on
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Him.
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>> it's rude to write your name
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On a human.
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>> you're telling me I'm gonna
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Get $100,000 and all I have to
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Do is burn in hell for an
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Eternity?
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>> that's all you have to do.
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>> where do I sign?
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>> oh, thank you!
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Thank you so much!
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Oh, yes.
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Just sign right there.
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>> no, dumbass.
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Do you understand I have a
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Chance to win $1 million, and
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All I have to do is click on
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This ad for swaggerchat.Com?
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>> swaggerchat.Com?
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What does that do?
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>> it tweets transcripts of all
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Your conversations.
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"Lucas -- it tweets transcripts
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Of all your conversations."
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Boom.
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That just blasted on the
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Worldwide web.
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>> dude, that sounds, uh,
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Awesome.
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What is a tweet?
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And with your signature, there's
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Gonna be loads of things that
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Become available, like the
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Fun zone!
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[ electricity crackles ]
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With the cellphone pictures, I'm
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Gonna have to say no.
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It's the one rule we got.
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I said it before, and I can --
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>> what's that?
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>> [ growling ]
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>> we better go.
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And we're walking.
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Yep, right over here is where
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Jeffrey dahmer used to sit until
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They made him crawl up inside
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His own penis.
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And this is our techie, kamal.
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What's going on, k-dawg?
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>> gary, you know you're not
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Supposed to bring mortals down
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Here.
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>> ah, this is kyle.
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He is a definite maybe.
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What do you say, my big boy?
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Huh, you like it?
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>> I'll think about it.
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>> that's not what you said at
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The slipknot show.
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>> how do I get to earth?
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>> I can take care of that.
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>> just like I felt a gust of
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Wind.
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>> yeah.
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Look, I just sent him to the
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Middle of china.
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[ laughter ]
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>> seriously, though, keep track
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Of him because he seemed pretty
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Into it.
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>> gary, I don't know what
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You're doing here.
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You should be up there.
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Have you even looked at claude's
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Stats?
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>> no.
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>> come here.
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>> how did he do that?
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What, has he been in there all
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Day?
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What's he doing in there?
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>> swaggerchat.Com.
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I created it.
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It tweets transcripts of your
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Conversations in exchange for
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Your soul.
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You see, no one ever reads the
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Terms and conditions.
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>> I am going to tell satan on
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You.
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>> someone named gary coolboobs
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Signed up for our service.
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I wonder who that could be.
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>> I'm not gary coolboobs, but
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If I was, then I wouldn't want
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Someone to be reading my private
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Thoughts.
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>> "Gary -- I farted," and
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That's multiple times throughout
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The day out loud to various
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People you didn't know.
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It's also written in there, just
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"Pfft."
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00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,157
>> well, I still got four more
246
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Hours left, and this is gonna be
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One hell of a horse race, boy,
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'cause I'm riding a cheetah.
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>> okay, so what?
250
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Claude has a few thousand souls.
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>> 680,000 souls.
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So much better than me.
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He's so much more traditionally
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Handsome.
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>> okay, that's enough.
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I've had enough.
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Stop it!
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Stop it, stop it, stop it!
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Remember me when I got here?
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I was muslim.
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No virgin, no date tree, no
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River of milk.
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>> just a bunch of dirty milk in
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A field.
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>> it's not -- it's clean milk,
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Gary.
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>> fish just flopping around --
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>> there's no fish in the milk,
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Gary.
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You're overlooking the virgins
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And dates.
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>> virgins aren't good in bed.
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Dates are dumb apples.
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>> the point is this.
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I didn't get any of that, but
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You know what?
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I came here, and somebody helped
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Me, showed me around, cushioned
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The blow, and that person was
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You, gary.
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>> it was me.
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>> yeah, it was you, and that's
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The problem.
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You're too damn nice.
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00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,245
>> claude cheats.
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>> well, then, you cheat back.
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>> [ screams ]
288
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:04,017
No!
289
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,285
What did you do to him?
290
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,353
What did you do?
291
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,788
>> it's a thumb drive.
292
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:08,255
Get it?
293
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,122
Like thumb?
294
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:09,957
Like, look.
295
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,892
>> that's so cute.
296
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,027
>> it is a real thumb, though.
297
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,029
All you have to do is put that
298
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,065
Into claude's computer and drag
299
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,534
All the souls across.
300
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:26,940
>> no.
301
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:30,210
No --
302
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,745
Oh.
303
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,213
>> don't move!
304
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:36,283
Aah!
305
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,417
>> hey.
306
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,319
Please kill me.
307
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,420
What are you doing?
308
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,089
>> so you have my summon word,
309
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:42,723
Do you?
310
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,091
You're gary's friend, right?
311
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:44,925
>> yeah. No.
312
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,827
I'm -- I'm not supposed to say.
313
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,095
>> now, you just need to be so
314
00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:48,796
Quiet, okay?
315
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,063
Be good for daddy, all right?
316
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:50,931
Be good for daddy.
317
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:51,331
Be good.
318
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,266
>> aah!
319
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:56,069
>> shh! Shh!
320
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,438
>> I order you to stay there for
321
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,340
30 minutes, foul beast.
322
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:04,444
>> [ speaks indistinctly ]
323
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,113
>> okay, come on.
324
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,781
Come on, damn it.
325
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,950
[ beeping ]
326
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,184
>> look at you up there, almost
327
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,152
Getting to the door.
328
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,821
Well, boom.
329
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:14,988
>> aah!
330
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:18,291
Ooh! Ooh!
331
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,927
[ beeping ]
332
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,262
>> come on, come on.
333
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:23,864
>> it was gary, I told you.
334
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,432
I've been telling you, but you
335
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,000
Just keep cockroaching me.
336
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,336
Oh!
337
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:31,872
>> gary, where are you, you big
338
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,173
Bitch?
339
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,275
Come on, damn it.
340
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,711
Come on.
341
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,213
[ chuckles ]
342
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:41,048
[ sighs ]
343
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:41,982
>> kill me.
344
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,150
Kill me, please.
345
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,017
>> shut up.
346
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,318
>> kamal's voice mail.
347
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:46,053
[ beeps ]
348
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,154
>> hey. What's up?
349
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,321
I'm sorry, k-dawg.
350
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,157
I couldn't steal claude's souls.
351
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:52,125
They were right there for me to
352
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,994
Take, like a bunch of innocent
353
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,996
Young girls, all right, but it's
354
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,330
Just not the gary way.
355
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,498
I'm back up top.
356
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,500
I've still got a couple of hours
357
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,168
Left.
358
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,136
Satan never specified they had
359
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,172
To be human souls, so this guy's
360
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:06,840
Going to the pet store.
361
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,208
Booyah-ka-sha!
362
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,277
[ beeps ]
363
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,916
>> and...
364
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,851
I'm gonna call it.
365
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,856
>> I'm so late.
366
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:23,924
I'm so late.
367
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,926
I hope they take hamsters.
368
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,094
No.
369
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,096
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
370
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,498
No, no!
371
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,833
No!
372
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,001
No!
373
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,102
No!
374
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:41,108
No!
375
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,910
[ grunting ]
376
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,244
Aah!
377
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,047
[ groaning ]
378
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,782
>> all right, welcome back,
379
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:49,449
Shorthorns.
380
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,184
These are the final results
381
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,052
Here, kamal?
382
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,553
These numbers are accurate?
383
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:54,554
>> yeah, yeah.
384
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,455
Yes.
385
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:56,924
>> okay.
386
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:57,891
Here we go.
387
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,026
Hit the road.
388
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,460
Grand-prize winner of
389
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,363
Soul-apalooza is...
390
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:07,034
Gary.
391
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:08,135
I'm [bleep] With you.
392
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:08,936
It's claude.
393
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:09,402
Yeah, baby.
394
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:10,570
>> it's all for you, satan.
395
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:11,939
>> come get the water, man.
396
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,106
All the water you can take.
397
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:13,907
I mean drink.
398
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,208
Have you ever been waterboarded?
399
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:15,575
>> what?
400
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,243
>> yeah.
401
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:17,410
Has anyone ever done this
402
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,078
Before?
403
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:19,279
Wikipedia keeps taking the
404
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,247
Instructions down.
405
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,716
>> yo, where the hell is gary?
406
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:28,088
>> let's get out of here.
407
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,090
It's gonna be fine.
408
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,091
Okay.
409
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,092
Okay.
410
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,994
All right, we just got to get a
411
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,128
Hotel, you and me.
412
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,930
We're going to mexico.
24568
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