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[ beeping ]
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[ high-pitched beep ]
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>> [ roars ]
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[ whip cracking ]
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>> [ screaming ]
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>> [ sighs ]
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God.
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I don't know who's getting
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Tortured here more -- you or me.
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>> what do you say we take a
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Little break?
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>> that's -- no. You know?
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No, because they got to hear the
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Screams.
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>> well, I can pretend!
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>> no.
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>> I could do that!
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>> that's a really nice idea,
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Though.
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>> I can crack the whip.
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Just put it up in my hand,
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Right here.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
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Put it up!
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I'm a multi-tasker! Put it up!
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>> okay.
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>> yeah!
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>> all right.
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>> yeah. Yeah, yeah.
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Look. I'm cracking it. See?
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I'm cracking it!
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>> but you got to scream, too,
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While you do it.
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>> oh, okay. Aah!
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>> there you go. That's good.
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>> aah!
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>> I like that, but you got to
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Sync it up, because if you
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Scream before the whip crack,
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It's gonna ruin the effect.
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>> oh, okay.
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>> they're gonna know we're
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Hot-dogging them.
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>> [ screaming ]
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>> [ chuckles ]
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[ winces ]
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Oh, I seriously --
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[ gong crashing ]
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Smoke break! Yeah!
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You're getting close, toby!
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[ laughs ]
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You guys ever think about
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Quitting?!
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[ laughs ]
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Those crazy guys.
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Ah, hungry!
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[ sighs ]
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All right. Ooh.
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Oh, it's got a wiggle to it
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Today!
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Excuse me, sir?
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>> yeah?
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>> I can't seem to find my bunk.
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>> oh! No, no, no.
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They give you bed sheets to get
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You thinki about sleep.
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But sleep -- it, uh --
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[ laughing ] It never comes.
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Hey, I'm gary!
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You must be my intern, claude,
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Huh?
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>> yeah.
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>> get your shirt and your I.D.
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So, how's hell treating you so
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Far, huh?
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>> well, it --
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[ both grunt ]
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>> now, this I.D. Is gonna get
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You access to...Nothing.
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Absolutely nothing.
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It doesn't work.
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>> there's got to be a mistake!
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I'm not supposed to be here!
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>> [ chuckles ] Yeah.
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All the noobs get pwned saying
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Stuff like that.
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Just like the calendar says.
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[ high-pitched ] "There's a
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Mistake!
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I'm not supposed to be here!"
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[ laughs ]
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[ normal voice ] It's pretty
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Good.
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Every day? You catch that yet?
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>> they're all mondays.
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>> man, the guys who made this
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Really nailed it!
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[ laughs ]
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>> it's -- it's clever.
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It I clever.
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>> it is! It's really good!
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I love it!
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Talks about life, you know --
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What's really going on.
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[ chuckles ]
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Let me show you around.
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[ gong crashes ]
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Ooh, bathroom break.
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Let's do this!
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>> good.
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I was gonna ask -- are there
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Water fountains?
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>> it's not a water fountain.
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>> [ gagging ]
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This is terrible.
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This is horrible!
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>> just got to chill out, buddy,
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All right?
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At least we're not in the
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Stalls.
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That's when things get ugly.
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[ fart ]
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Been there, done that, jason.
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>> I can't hack it here, man!
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>> there's nothing you can do
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About it, so just be a
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Professional.
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>> yeah, I'm sick of it!
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>> oh, it's satan!
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>> sick of it, you hear me?
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>> uh, play dead.
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>> cruz kisses his fist and
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Points to heaven every freaking
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Time he gets hit by a pitch!
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I mean, what is that?
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You know, I mean, I'm the one
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That gives him all those
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Seeing-eye singles, right?
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[ cellphone beeps ]
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[ deep voice speaks
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Indistinctly ]
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>> hey, satan.
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>> why would you say that?
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>> I'll catch you later.
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[ cellphone beeps ]
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>> [ laughs ]
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Blowing another first day!
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Good thing you're wearing
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Glasses, man.
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Here it comes for you, buddy.
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>> gary.
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>> no!
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[ liquid splashing ]
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>> you know what?
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>> oww, it's hot.
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>> do the gargle.
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Do the gargle.
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>> [ gargling ]
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>> [ chuckling ] That's it!
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>> were you talking about
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Cortez cruz, the baseball
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Player?
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>> [ continues gargling ]
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>> who the...Are you?
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>> my name's claude.
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It's all for you, satan.
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>> that's just my intern!
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You can ignore him!
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>> I mean, cortez cruz is the
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Worst -- always kissing that
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Humongous cross.
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What's the point?
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He got the jesus neck tattoo.
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Am I right?
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>> yeah.
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Yeah, that's a good point.
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>> he should be kissing a
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Pentagram and pointing down...
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To you!
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[ splashing stops ]
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>> you know what?
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That's an excellent idea.
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Gary, are you listening to this?
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>> uh, you're cutting in and
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Out!
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I can't -- I can't hear you.
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>> um, listen.
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I got a job for you and your new
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Intern, here, um --
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>> claude.
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>> claude's gonna fill you in on
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Our new, uh, marketing plan for
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Our friend cortez cruz.
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All right?
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>> [ groans, chuckles ]
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>> yep. Good meeting you guys.
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>> oh, yeah. Mmm. Oh, god.
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Oh, god, yes. Mmm.
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>> pretty dumpy digs for a pro
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Ball player.
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>> stop talking smack about my
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Old apartment, bro.
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>> what?
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We're supposed to be talking to
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Cortez cruz.
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>> see that guy over there?
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That is my old roomie, lucas,
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Back from my old earth days.
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You can relax.
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We can do this all day long,
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'cause he can't see us.
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>> I can see the floating beer
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In my kitchen, though.
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>> oh, man.
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>> well, he can't hear us, so
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Boo-yah!
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Ha! You dick head!
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You're a dick head!
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>> actually, I can hear you,
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Because I just responded to you,
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Dick head!
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>> oh, hey, lucas!
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What's up?!
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I can see you moved my futon
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Into the living room.
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>> I converted your room into a
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Humidor.
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>> oh, that's so cool!
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That's so cool!
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I can't wait to see that! Yeah!
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>> shut the door behind you.
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It's perfectly humidified in
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There!
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>> I got to go check it out.
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I'm going right now.
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Just slowly working through your
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Humidor!
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Boogety-boogety!
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[ party horn blows ]
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>> [ speaking indistinctly on
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Tv ]
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>> boogety-boogety.
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>> "I'm claude, and I'm here to
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Devour your soul."
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>> [ yelps ]
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Who the hell are you?!
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>> claude! I just said that.
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It works.
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>> can you seriously not see me,
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Lucas, or -- you're jerking me
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Around!
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>> it says in the manual that
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You have to see it in your
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Mind's eye.
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>> I'm doing that, all right?
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I guess my cloak mode must be
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Stuck on.
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Sometimes it gets stuck when
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I'm doing high-profile...
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>> all right. Check this out.
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[ as old woman ] Lucas...
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Can you give us directions to
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The baseball stadium?
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>> nana?
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B-- but you're dead!
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>> [ deep voice ] Where is the
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Stadium?!
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>> it's off the interstate!
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Take route 17, go down about
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4 blocks, and make a right!
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>> hey, pop quiz.
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How did you do that thing -- you
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Know, that old-lady thing?
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I-I mean, I know how you did it,
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But can you explain to me how
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You did it?
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>> it's easy.
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You just grab an article of
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Clothing from that person, and
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You can appear as them.
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>> oh, I knew that.
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I was testing you, and you got
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An a-plus.
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>> why don't you give it a shot?
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>> all right.
286
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,768
Yeah, you want to see what the
287
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:48,335
Expert does?
288
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,236
Sure thing, buddy.
289
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,337
I'll give you a thrill.
290
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,305
>> great.
291
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,908
>> claude! Claude, what am I?
292
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,076
Who am I?
293
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:56,910
Am I handsome?
294
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,078
Am I somebody really cool?
295
00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:58,746
Who am --
296
00:07:58,746 --> 00:07:59,412
>> hold on, hold on.
297
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:00,347
You're not allowed back here,
298
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,014
Sir.
299
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,082
>> no, no, hang on, man.
300
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:02,783
I'm with him!
301
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:03,150
>> who?
302
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,184
>> you don't understand!
303
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,285
I -- hey, claude! Wait up!
304
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,319
>> who the hell you talking
305
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:06,820
About?
306
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:07,921
>> that there red guy in the
307
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:08,255
Glasses!
308
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,289
I got to get in there, man!
309
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,123
Whoa!
310
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:11,191
Oh, hey, man!
311
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:11,859
No!
312
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,160
[ screaming ]
313
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,762
God! Oww!
314
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,864
[ music playing ]
315
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,436
>> hola cortez.
316
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,773
>> [ gasps ] Idios mío!
317
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,012
[ yelps ]
318
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,181
Aah!
319
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,352
[ sighs ]
320
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,855
>> nice ink, cortez.
321
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,691
Did you forget who pulled you
322
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:44,992
Out of the slums of venezuela
323
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,226
And made this all possible?
324
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,962
>> [ speaking spanish ]
325
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,463
>> how about you stop using
326
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,965
Jesus as a beard?
327
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,368
Here.
328
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,204
Every time you get on base, we
329
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,139
Want you to kiss this and thank
330
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,708
The man that made it all
331
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:01,308
Possible.
332
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,910
>> ¿un estrella de david?
333
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,311
>> it's a pentagram, you
334
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:05,045
Wetback.
335
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,814
>> claude, where are you at,
336
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:07,180
Man?
337
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,149
Hey, now, what'd he say?
338
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,317
>> okay. Okay, okay, okay.
339
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,019
Está bien.
340
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,154
Lo haré.
341
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,158
>> how about I just dissolve
342
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,492
Your face in acid right now?!
343
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:20,761
>> whoa, claude! Whoa.
344
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,329
Going a bit bad cop, here.
345
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:23,831
[ chuckles ]
346
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:25,098
Look, we're authorized to give
347
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:25,999
Him those powers.
348
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,367
>> you give him this, he'll just
349
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,068
Want more.
350
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,436
>> you need to back off on this,
351
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:30,103
All right?
352
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,238
I'm the boss here.
353
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,840
Thanks for your energy.
354
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:33,373
>> yeah.
355
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,175
>> look. All right?
356
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,343
I'm gonna use a spell.
357
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,011
I'm gonna bump up your hand-eye
358
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,179
Coordination, but you
359
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:40,347
Remember -- you do the
360
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:41,849
El diablo, point-o down-o,
361
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:42,850
Smoochy, smoochy.
362
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,051
>> [ speaking spanish ]
363
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:45,352
>> I don't understand what
364
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,754
You're saying.
365
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:49,189
So...Okay.
366
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,024
[ chanting ]
367
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,299
Now, cortez, I think that last
368
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,868
Bit there will tingle like --
369
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:01,434
>> [ gasps ]
370
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,535
What did you just do?!
371
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,370
>> [ yelping ]
372
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,772
I think I did it...Wrong.
373
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:05,372
>> watch out!
374
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,539
You're stepping on him!
375
00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:07,875
Get a cup or something!
376
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:08,976
>> dude, it's a roach!
377
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,878
>> no, that's him! Stop!
378
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,047
We're gonna reform him, right?
379
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,883
Right?
380
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,951
>> the real mystery today is
381
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,419
What happened to perennial
382
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,922
All-star cortez cruz.
383
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,223
Cortez, forgive me for saying
384
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,892
So, but you looked a little lost
385
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:25,993
Out there at the plate.
386
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,394
>> 'cause he swung the bat like
387
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,228
A...Girl.
388
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,830
>> I was having a little trouble
389
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,264
Getting around on his fast ball.
390
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:32,465
But, uh, also, uh, dearest
391
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,967
Satan, I pray that the earth
392
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,235
Will crack open and you will
393
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,837
Reign over man for 1,000 years.
394
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:37,938
Hey, mira, satan. Mwah.
395
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,272
It's all for you, baby, okay?
396
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:40,841
>> what a...Weird thing to say.
397
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:41,441
>> cream pie!
398
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,275
>> [ screams ]
399
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,510
Oh, god. Oh, god! Oh, god!
400
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,012
>> what the hell are you doing?!
401
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,246
You're gonna expose the whole
402
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:46,847
Operation!
403
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:47,180
>> no!
404
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,281
>> what baseball guys do!
405
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:48,949
Hail satan!
406
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,117
>> dude, satan, it wasn't my
407
00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:50,450
Fault!
408
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:51,484
It's gary! Look at him!
409
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,419
He's a fat idiot!
410
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:53,253
>> [ shrieks ]
411
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,454
>> I just want to say hail
412
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,422
Satan, everybody.
413
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:56,924
I hope everybody's doing good,
414
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:57,958
And merry christmas!
415
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,193
[ cackles ]
416
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,428
>> they do the cream pie when
417
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,096
They win, gary.
418
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,364
Don't you watch sports?
419
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,099
>> you think you're gonna be a
420
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:06,466
While?
421
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,268
'cause I could go get you some
422
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,269
Magazines, or --
423
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,271
>> oh, no, I'm good.
424
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,373
Just sit tight in the bowl, huh?
425
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,208
>> * I've been rotten,
426
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,610
I've been left out before *
427
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,180
* I've been shut out, had my
428
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,883
Fingers slammed in the door *
429
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,152
* and I've been cold,
430
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,554
And I feel old *
431
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,622
* and I felt you looking down,
432
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,959
And I know things are looking
433
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:34,061
Up *
26055
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