All language subtitles for Shes.Out.Of.My.League.2010.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG_HI

*** Subtitles by dylux ***

♪ (UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Marnie?

I know we agreed
to take some time off.

And I think that was
a great idea. My God.

It gave us both a chance
to experiment, if you will,

and meet all sorts of new and
interesting, different people.

You did quite a bit more
experimenting than I did.

A lot more experimenting.
You are like a scientist!

(CHUCKLES, SNORTS)

With beakers and... But, obviously,
I'm cool with that. Like...

'Cause the thing is, I think
we're stronger as a result.

But here's the thing, Marnie,
it's been two years.

And that's a lot of time off.

And I'm ready for some time on.

I miss you.

I miss us.

I got something for you.

What do you think?

Oh, man!

It's depressing. I mean,
it's really depressing.

It's horrible
to watch you like this.

I think this is really pretty.
How's it work?

Oh.

What the hell is that?

I got it for Valentine's Day,

right before
she broke up with me.

Look, Stainer, I know you
don't like her very much.

No. No. I hate her. In fact, the
day that you broke up with her,

I marked that down in my calendar
as a day of rejoicement.

I'm gonna celebrate it with
a cake with her face on it.

But instead of eating it, we smash it.
Okay? You can do a lot better.

- You deserve a lot better, Kirk.
- Thank you,

but I've seen what's out there and
I don't think it gets any better.

When have you been out there?
When have you left the apartment?

I went out
on four different dates.

With three girls and that guy.

I don't know what his
intentions were, but it's fine.

We had a great conversation. He
was just lookin' for a friend.

- Know what your problem is?
- What?

- You're a moodle.
- A "moodle"?

A man poodle. Girls, they want
to take you out on a walk.

They want to feed you, they want to
cuddle you. But, make no mistake,

no girl wants to do the moodle.

- No one'd ever fuck a moodle.
- No.

- He's right.
- I'm telling you,

if you want to get Marnie back,
she has got to believe

that from the second
she broke up with you,

your life has been
a non-stop snatch parade.

Or you could just be
who you are.

Why can't that be good enough?

Why don't you put your
fucking balls in here, dude?

(PLANE ENGINE ROARING)

Woo!

(MAN) Yeah!

"Snatch parade."

- Really, Kirk?
- Yeah, it's been pretty awesome.

Oh.

I've been raw-doggin'
some randoms.

Usually careful.
Mostly careful, though.

Always using protection.

Double-baggin' it sometimes
just to make sure there's

no seepage, uh, because...

gonorrhea, herpes and stuff.
I don't want that.

Wow. I am really happy that you are
doing so well with the ladies.

But, truthfully, Marnie.

I really just want
to give all that up

and get back together with you.

Oh...

Kirk? You know
I'm with Ron now.

Raw-doggin' some randoms?

Wow, Kirky, sounds like you
got some good stuff goin' on.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Ron.

We're kind of in the middle
of something right now.

(INDISTINCT WHISPER)

Oh, you want to talk?
No problem.

- I'll just be in the other room.
- Thanks, buddy.

Ah, sorry. One more thing.
Is there any salsa?

You know what? I'll find it myself.
Good luck there, pirate.

- Are you kidding me, Marnie? That guy?
- That guy is an entrepreneur.

- Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut.
- That's a business.

It's not even a real Pizza Hut!
It's a Pizza Hut Express!

Working airport security
with your dipshit friends

isn't getting you closer
to being a pilot.

I... I got you somethin'.

Like, remember that time I made you the
mix tape of all the Kate Bush songs

I thought applied to our
relationship? This is cooler.

Happy Valentine's Day
from two years ago.

Hi, honey.
Everything okay?

- Yeah.
- Oh, God, what is that?

I think it's an ashtray?

- No, it's for your earrings.
- Or that.

Kirk, please, don't cause
a scene. Everyone's over.

Jesus, Mom, a little
privacy here, please?

- It's okay, Mrs. Kettner.
- Okay.

Kirk. You know that I don't get
along with my own parents,

and you've been really great about
your family practically adopting me

since we broke up.

- I love you.
- Marnie, I love you, too.

(STAMMERS) Just... okay...
Let me finish.

I love you
like I love... TV.

- I love you like I love pizza.
- Superfly Snuka!

- No, Dylan!
- (WOMAN) You still got it!

- Give it to him!
- What's up, little bro?

- (KIRK) Fuck you!
- Dylan! Leave your brother alone.

- (WOMAN) Snap him like a wishbone.
- Sore spot? Just let it happen.

- Yeah! You ain't got shit, you pussy!
- (KIRK) I hate you!

Mom!
Kirk said he hated me!

Okay, let's move out! Movie night!
I do not want to miss the previews.

- Here. I got the brews. Let's go!
- Comin' with us, pirate?

- No, thanks.
- It's Chris Tucker, dude.

Yeah, I think I'll pass.

Do you see the words
comin' outta my mouth?!

Chris Tucker, right? Mom!
I did the Chris Tucker for him.

- (MRS. KETTNER) That's nice.
- I'm just gonna leave this here.

(DYLAN) He's the black guy
from Rush Hour.

- (MAN) Let's go, go, go!
- Okay.

- (DYLAN) Mom... Yeah.
- You know, it's engraved on...

(DOOR SHUTS)

♪ (POP LEVI'S "WANNAMAMA") ♪

♪ Ha! ♪

♪ Ooh hoo, wannamama ♪

♪ Ooh hoo, I wannamama ♪

♪ Ooh hoo, gotta get her ♪

♪ Ooh hoo, gotta get her ♪

♪ Break, break
Break, break ♪

♪ Break, break... ♪

♪ Ooh hoo, wannamama ♪

♪ Ooh hoo, wannamama ♪

♪ I wannamama ♪

Boarding passes and IDs
where I can see them, please!

Let's go!

- Hey.
- Hey.

(STAINER)
Boarding passes and IDs...

Oh, well, well, well.
Thanks for comin' in, Kettner.

Sorry I'm late, Fuller.

- Yeah? You'd better have a good excuse.
- No.

You wanna take a second?
Make somethin' up?

- Nope.
- Interesting.

(FULLER) Oh, look at this.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, that's so good.
That's great. That's perfect.

Listen, Mr. Friedman,
their quote is lower than ours.

So if fake flowers and cheap champagne
is how you want to woo your clients,

then feel free to blow us out.
I'm sure the event'll be fine.

Thank you, Mr. Friedman.
Tomorrow.

Have a nice flight.

Boarding passes and IDs where I can see...
(CLEARS THROAT) Hi!

- Hi.
- Hay-lo.

Hi-lo. Hello!

New York, huh?
Yeah. The Big... City.

Big Apple.

Big Apple City.

I get up there a lot, 'cause
I actually, I gig up there.

I play in a band.

- I'm the lead in a band.
- Hey, Stainer.

Did you get the numbers with...

For the new procedures
regarding planes?

This is Randy.

- What's up?
- Hi.

- Well, everything checks out.
- Thank you.

- Do you need a hand?
- No.

Smooth. Go put this
back in the trash.

- It's a memo.
- Put it back in the trash!

- Boarding passes and IDs, please!
- Next! Oh, ma'am!

- Your shoes.
- Oh, sorry.

Okay, let's go ahead and strip off that
belt too, while we're at it, huh?

You have any piercings
you want me to know about?

Anything at all?

Eh... All right,
I'm really late for my flight.

Why don't you step on through, we'll
see if you set off the machine.

Thank you.

No, no, no. Not so fast.

I'm gonna have to ask you to
step over to the wanding area.

- Fuller, why?
- Well, you never know. I mean... Oh!

You just waved the wand
over your tie clip!

- No, I did not.
- Yes, you did.

Well, I am keeping
an eye on you.

Wow. They let guys
like that work here?

(FULLER) Yep!

Yes, they, they, they
let that guy be my boss.

Thank you for pissing off
your boss for me.

Oh, yeah, please, anytime.

- Molly! Your boarding pass.
- Oh, thanks... Kirk.

Kirk.

(MAN) Flight six-three to JFK, you're
cleared for taxiing on runway two-niner.

(MAN) Cabin crew, lock doors
and cross-check.

Dude! Cut it a little closer,
why don't you?

I think I lost my iPhone.
I left it in security.

Well, here, calm down.
I'll call it.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Who's this?

I don't know. Might be the guy
with the new iPhone. Who's this?

I don't know. Might be your
worst fucking nightmare, you...

- Patty! Stop it!
- Sorry.

Hello? Thank God you have my phone.
My name is Molly McCleish.

I remember you well. What gate are you at?
I'll run it over.

Know what? We're actually
pushing back right now.

Excuse me. You're not
supposed to be on your phone.

- It's bad for the plane.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a plane doctor?

No? So shut the fuck up.

(KIRK) Tell you what, I'll leave
it at Lost and Found for you.

How 'bout that?

Would you hold on to it for me?

I'm coming back tomorrow.

I'm an event planner.

I'm having this party
at the Warhol Museum.

- We could meet there.
- Yes, of course.

I know where that is.
It's actually

- on my way home from work.
- Sir?

- She's talking on her phone.
- Dude! Go shit in your hand.

I have to go.

(MAN)
Tonight's the night, Kirky.

(KIRK) No, I... Devon,
tonight is just a night

where I return some lost property
to a fellow human being.

Come on, man,
you gotta be positive.

It's exciting! I mean, the
night's full of possibilities.

- I can almost smell 'em.
- Oh, man.

- You know what this reminds me of?
- What's that?

The moment when Aladdin went
to meet Princess Jasmine.

What?

You're like a street urchin,
and this is the palace!

Okay, so then
what does that make you?

I'm the Genie.

Why am I so nervous? This is stupid.
Let's get this over with, okay? Let's go.

Yeah. Let's go
on a magic carpet ride.

(KING JUJU'S "DOIN' MY THING") ♪

♪ 'Cause all the ladies
go crazy, this I know ♪

♪ You can pass right past
and still be slow ♪

♪ You can have a lot
but still mean a little ♪

♪ Can't, won't stop
Big in the middle ♪

♪ Player in the game
Here to make a name... ♪

(WOMAN) No, I think it's good.
We have to act positive.

- Wendy!
- Hi! Congratulations, ladies.

- This party is so amazing.
- It is, right?

- Hey. Sorry I'm late.
- Nice, Katie. Real classy.

I had a major laundry disaster. This
is the only dry bra that I have left.

- Do you want me to take it off?
- (ALL) No!

Just take a tray and circulate.

Yeah, circulate.
Know what that means?

Hey, excuse me. I'm looking
for Molly McCleish?

- Are you here to arrest her?
- No.

What about you?
You gonna search me?

No. No, I'm, I'm not TSA.

I can get you a mad discount on
a flight, if you want, though.

Molly's my sister.
She's... up there.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Hey!

- Hey.
- Hey. This is Patty.

Hey.

- Oh, this is my friend, Devon.
- Princess Jasmine.

Um...

- Here's your phone.
- Oh, thank God.

You... Thank you.
You saved my life.

Oh, please. It's no big deal at all.
I think we're gonna get goin' now.

We're a bit overdressed
for this.

- Yeah.
- Oh, no! You guys look great.

You should stay
and have a drink, right?

Know what?
Excuse me one second.

Get a drink, but don't get it
from my sister's tray.

What's up, freckles?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Your friend's hot.

What'd she just say?

- "I think your friend is hot."
- Yeah, right.

Seriously, Kirky, do not josh me.
All right? I need this.

Well, Devon, I would never josh you. She
said, "I think your friend is hot."

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Oh, stop.

- Yeah!
- No. No.

No, you... Devon,
you're happily married.

You and I both know
you'd never cheat on Karen.

Yeah, you're right.
I don't need to.

Know why? 'Cause that girl
thinks I'm hot.

(CHUCKLES)

Know what? Don't tell
Karen about this.

- No.
- Stuffed mushroom?

- Yeah, sure.
- (DEVON) Yeah.

I dropped 'em on the floor,
but five second rule.

- Good. Thank you.
- It's okay, I'll wait.

Suit yourself.

- What the...?
- (MAN) Shit.

- What the hell are you doing?
- I am so sorry, sir.

I... I...

- What?
- I don't know.

- Katie!
- No, no, no, not Katie.

This is all my fault.
I'm very, very sorry.

Can I see your invitation?

Can I see your invitation?

Probably not the best thing
to say to the museum director.

True, but we should do cultural
events like this more often.

Kirk! Oh, my God.

Patty told me what happened.
What can I say? I'm so sorry.

My reputation in the arts
community may be shot,

but I think I'll get over it.

Know what? I'd like
to make it up to you.

- Are you free tomorrow night?
- Yeah, yes. Yes.

We handle some of the Penguins events,
we've got seats for the Islanders game.

(DEVON SQUEALS)

- Do you like hockey?
- Do I like hockey? Yes, I do.

Great. There's two tickets.
So, maybe, bring a friend.

Wow, thank you so much.
That's amazing.

- And the tickets will be at will call.
- Okay.

- (MOLLY) Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Good night.

Fare thee well, dear princess.

Until our magic carpets alight from
Agrabah to the Cave of Wonders

for a night of romance...
and hockey.

- I'm taking Stainer.
- Are you serious?

- Uh, no, no, no, that's...
- Yeah.

She's not into me. There are very few
things that I am absolutely certain of.

- This chick does not like me.
- Oh, don't be such a Laydown Larry.

I'm not being a...
"Laydown Larry?"

It's just like me sayin'
that I'll never go to the moon,

I'm all right with that, too.

You don't want to go
to the moon? Bullshit.

No, I am saying that
I never will go to the moon,

and that's fine
because I never expected to.

You don't know that.
Technology and stuff.

- You might go to the moon.
- He's right.

No. This girl is,
like, fuckin' hot!

Yeah, but you said that shit
about Marnie and, let's face it,

Marnie was kind of a skank.

- (KIRK) Hi.
- Hey.

Marnie.
We were just talking about

Marnie, the name... And how it's
unfortunate that it's not more common.

Fuck you, Stainer.

You didn't let me finish.
More common for skanks.

- (STOMPS)
- (STAINER GROANS)

Hey, Kirk, so are you gonna go to
Branson with your folks next month?

- I don't think so.
- 'Cause they invited

me and Ron to come along,
and we'd love to go,

but not if it's gonna be
weird for you.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

Tickets are non-refundable,

and I love Branson,
but it's totally up to you.

- Yeah, no, you should go. It's fun.
- Thanks. Okay.

- Okay...
- I... That's...

Okay, so she's taking her new boyfriend
to Branson with your parents.

♪ (COSMIC BALLROOM'S
"HAPPY DRUNK (PIGMIX)") ♪

I don't know
whether to laugh or cry.

Penguins are facing off
against the Islanders.

What do you think
are the keys to the game?

- I got the first one.
- Thank you very much.

I got a 20.
Four beers, please.

Three?

- Two?
- Mm-hm.

- He seemed nice.
- That was all of my money.

- Oh, my God. She's here.
- What?

- That chick, from the airport?
- (MOLLY) I'll try and call him...

Didn't think
she was gonna show. Hi!

- Hey. So you got the tickets okay?
- Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.

- Cool. Oh, you remember Patty.
- Hi.

Hi, there. Of course. I didn't
think that you were coming.

- I just... This is amazing.
- Hey.

Stainer.

I'm sorry?

- Stainer.
- What?

- Stainer.
- His name is Stainer.

- Right. - (STAINER) Just
a non-descript nickname.

Doesn't mean anything, you know.
It's like Greg.

You look like someone
I went to high school with.

- What high school? Maybe it was me.
- No, he's in a coma.

Oh. Who brought the good news bear?
Somebody give her some fucking honey.

Okay, should we just
meet you up at the seats?

- Yeah, perfect.
- (MOLLY) Okay.

- Kirk, that Molly girl's insanely hot.
- Yeah, I know.

- (STAINER) You know what's happening.
- What's that?

She's setting you up
with the bitchy friend.

Perfect for you,
'cause you like bitches.

Yeah, well,
that's fine. Uh...

Patty's not a bitch,
she's, uh, different.

Yeah, different in that she's a
bitch and other people aren't.

♪ (HE FRATELLIS' "CHELSEA DAGGER") ♪

- Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
- Come on!

- Will! Will!
- Pass it, pass it!

Come on, Averill,
play the man, not the puck!

(STAINER) Yeah, come on, dick!

I'm sorry, the player that
I was screaming at is a forward,

but for some reason he keeps
hanging back at the blue line

- with the defensemen.
- You realize they're

hanging back 'cause they're
trying to kill a power play.

Uh... That is exactly
what's happening.

Damn it, Fox,
keep your stick down!

- That felt good. (GIGGLES)
- Yeah.

She knows a strange amount
about hockey.

- Yeah, man.
- Yeah.

Whoa!

Hey, Mol.

What... Scott Reese knows you?

- A little.
- Little bit.

Come on, Reese, pick it up!
You suck today!

♪ (THE FRAY'S
"OVER MY HEAD (CABLE CAR)) ♪

♪ Everyone knows I'm in over my head ♪

- What a save!
- Oh, my God, he caught that.

♪ With eight seconds left in overtime ♪

- Fuck you, man! Fuck you!
- He's such a freak!

♪ She's on your mind ♪

- (BUZZER SOUNDS)
- (CHEERING)

(BUZZER)

- I'm gonna get some drinks.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna get some beers, guys.
- Oh, okay.

I see what's goin' on. Yeah,
I'll get some beers with you.

(MAN) Turn your attention
to the center ice...

- You two stay here. You know, talk.
- I know.

Ow!

Hi.

(MAN) ...Charlie Slaughter
from Brookline.

- Ye olde intermission.
- (MAN) ...pick a winner!

Listen, while
we have a minute here,

Molly's always
trying to set me up.

That's why she brought me along,

but honestly I'm not
interested, no offense.

No offense taken. I assume that
I am probably not your type.

I was talking about Stainer.

What? What do you think, we're on,
like, a double date or something?

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah, but that'd mean that Molly...

- No.
- Yes.

Kirk, Molly's into you.

♪(ALL SYSTEMS GO!'S
"SOMETHING ABOUT YOU") ♪

- Yeah! It's effortless.
- Listen, Kirk, I love you,

but there's no way on the planet
that Molly is into you.

Why would she bring a friend
and give you two tickets?

Well, Molly brought Patty for you,
but Patty thought you were a moron.

Okay, now I know
you've gone crazy.

You're telling me
the hottest chick

I've met in my life wants you,
and the Hamburglar

wasn't into me? Listen
to yourself. Fuck you.

- Fuck...
- That's a pretty impressive catch, Kirky.

Right. The day that that happens is the
day that Jack sleeps with your wife.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What, did that already happen?

We weren't
technically dating yet.

My bad.

Are we gonna talk
or are we gonna bowl?

All I'm saying is,
this girl's too hot.

I mean, no judgment on Kirky,

but the guy's
just outgunned here.

- (MAN) Yo, House Ball!
- (KIRK) "House Ball?"

Yeah, I was up first.

- Okay. Okay. My bad.
- For fuck sake! Hey!

- What is it with you people?
- Hey, he can just wait his turn.

Oh, really?
All this noise and shit,

and my best friend is such a distraction
in your goddamn peripheral vision?

All right, take it easy.

It's all good.
Let him do his thing.

Well, fuckin' roll then.

- Bring it, Brunswick!
- I'm here. Let's do this, come on.

(ALL SHOUTING)

You feel strong, tough guy?

- Walk!
- You piece of shit!

- Get off!
- All right, come on.

- TSA, motherfucker!
- Don't!

(STAINER) He's lucky.

- He's an asshole.
- I'm really sorry.

Okay, anyway...
I love Kirky,

but let's face it,
the guy's a five.

Stainer, that's just dirty pool.
He's at least a six.

A six? You go ahead and pump
rainbows into his asshole,

- but I'm just being honest.
- Come on, cut him some slack. Look.

Half a point 'cause
he's a nice guy. Right?

He's funny, that's half a point
each. That brings him to six.

Devon's right.

But he drives a shitbox,
deduct a point.

- Take a point off.
- What's wrong with my Neon?

Oh, I don't know.

Except the people that make
that car don't even like it.

- So we're back to a five.
- Five.

Meanwhile, this Molly
is a hard ten.

And that five point disparity,
that is a chasm.

- Chasm?
- Yeah.

Chasm. You can't jump
more than two points.

Where do you get this shit?

Trust me, Kirk.
I can't even get a ten.

- (CHUCKLES) Oh, not even you, huh?
- I'm a six, okay?

Bullshit, you're a six!
Then what am I?

- You're an eight.
- Okay, fine, you're a six then.

But I get a one point bump
'cause I'm in a band.

Stainer, you're in a
Hall and Oates cover band!

I'm pretty sure
that's a deduction.

Adult Education
is a tribute band.

So that puts me back at a seven.

On a good day,
the best I can bag is a nine.

- What about your crappy car?
- Artist's exemption.

I'm expected to have
a shitty car.

Is there an artist's exemption
for talkin' out your ass?

Yeah. It's called
bein' a rock star, Jack.

Look it up in the dictionary.
It's there. Next to "Fuck you!"

Guys, I think
this system's ridiculous.

All right? If someone really
loves you, then you are a ten.

My God. What, are...
Are you Hannah Montana?

Because nothing you're saying
right now is of any help to Kirk.

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- (KIRK) Ooh, ooh...

What?!

Hello? Hello!
Hey, Molly.

I'm well, thank you.
How are you?

First of all, thank you. Yeah,
it was great. It was incredible.

Thank you so much. No...
(MOUTHS) Oh, my God!

(STAINER)
Kirky, what'd she say?

I think she just asked me out.

Yeah! Way to go, Kirkers!

♪ (THE 88'S "COMING HOME") ♪

Hey, did she say anything,

you know, about Wendy
thinkin' I'm hot?

- Oh, no.
- Shoot. I wonder if she's on Facebook.

- Devon, you're on Facebook?
- Yeah. I got like 37 friends.

Oh, cool.

(GRUNTS)

Moll, what about this
for your date tonight?

Katie, that's the most
disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Wait. You have
a date with Kirk?

When do you want the
bad date bail-out call?

I don't want it.

No, seriously,
work emergency or aunt died?

- I'm not gonna need it.
- Whatever.

What is your problem with Kirk?

I don't have
a problem with Kirk.

I have a problem
with you dating Kirk.

- Why?
- You dated Cam and got hurt,

so you pick a guy
like Kirk because he's safe.

Yeah. Or maybe because
he's just a nice guy.

He's great. I just...
You and I know

he's not the kind of guy
you usually end up with.

Yeah, I know.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER PA)
- Ah, goddamn it.

Way to go.
What happened to you?

You look like shit.
Besides that.

I got, like, 30 minutes
of sleep last night.

What do I even say
to Molly tonight?

Like, what, do I just talk about her
ridiculous hotness for two hours?

I don't know. You were pretty
smooth at the hockey game.

Thanks, man. Well, that's
because I didn't think

I stood a chance in hell,
but now that she's asked me out

I don't get it.
It boggles my mind.

Why would she ask me out?

- Are you dying?
- What?

You maybe have some
rich benefactor in a top hat

who's trying to
set you up before you die.

Like Great Expectations.
Have you read that book?

- Yeah, man, well...
- It's so weird!

No, Stainer,
I'm not terminally ill.

Thank you for your concern.

- Then that's a brain-teaser, isn't it?
- Tell me about it.

- Oh... You know, let's go this way.
- Who is that?

What?

Nobody. Just some chick
that I boned when I was drunk.

She's a total psycho.
Let's go this way.

- It's quicker. Come on.
- What?

♪ (BRONWEN EXTER'S
"TRUST WHAT YOU FEEL") ♪

- (KIRK) This place is tremendous.
- (MOLLY GIGGLES)

It's... I'm just trying to think
whether or not I've been here before.

Is this real silver?
This is gorgeous stuff.

- (GIGGLES) - It has this
lovely terrace area.

It's open. It's kind of like
eating on the Today Show set.

- Are you nervous?
- (SCOFFS) Yes.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

♪ I wish that I could
and I promised I would ♪

Uh... So you speak French?

No, barely. I probably asked
for directions to the beach.

That's amazing. Any other hidden
talents I should know about?

- I'm a lawyer.
- You're a lawyer?

I know. I, well,
I'm not real...

Oh, I'm sorry,
one second. I...

Ma'am? Ma'am, you... Yeah...
I'll be right back.

(WOMAN) ...what they were thinking.
If they moved, changed their number.

Excuse me. Ma'am!
You forgot your sweater.

- Thank you.
- Thanks again.

Oh, no, I don't work there.

- I...
- (CHUCKLES) It isn't...

- I'm just returning your sweater.
- Thank you.

- Sure. Have a good night.
- Thank you.

- Sorry.
- Sorry, buddy.

- Thank you.
- Evening.

- (MAN) Evening.
- (MAN 2) Evening.

- Evening.
- Evening.

- (MAN 3) Evening.
- What's up?

- Cam?
- Mol! Hey!

- (MOLLY) Hey! I...
- I'll see you guys there.

I thought you were
still in New York.

Negative. I flew in
this morning.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

(KIRK) Whoa.

- Oh, this is Kirk.
- Hey.

- Oh, hey, buddy. Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, uh...

- (CAM GRUNTS)
- Uh...

- Can I help you?
- (CAM) Yeah, you bet.

I'll take an Armagnac. The lady'll have
a dirty martini with three olives.

- Thanks. Her favorite.
- I think there's been a mistake.

- Sorry, friend?
- He's with me.

Honest mistake.
Sorry. There you go.

- Please.
- That's awkward.

(MOLLY LAUGHS)

- Cam, this is Kirk.
- It's great to meet you, sir.

Great to meet you, sir.
Cam? Is that short for Cameron?

- No.
- Why would it be?

That's funny.
Your friend is funny, Molly.

- Thank you so much.
- Am I gonna see you next week?

Um, Patty and I are working at the
air show and Cam's our liaison guy.

Ooh! "Liaison guy." Ouch!
(CHUCKLES)

We were more than that, huh?
See, Molly and I used to date.

Oh!

Well, I'm out.

- It was great to meet you, sir.
- (CHOKES)

- See you, honey.
- All right. Bye.

Bye, Cam! He seems great.
He seems really great.

- Should we order? Okay.
- Yeah.

(MOLLY) So I was
interning at the law firm,

studying for the bar,
but I just kept thinking...

Is this what I really
want to do with my life?

Then I volunteered to plan the
holiday party, and I loved it.

And so I quit the firm,
went into business with Patty.

Well, you found somethin'
that you love. That's amazing!

Yeah.
Yeah, it is amazing.

Anyway, I'm bored of me.
What about you?

Oh, me. Uh...

Pittsburgh born and bred, uh...

I wanted to go to college, but my
dad bought a swimming pool instead.

(SCOFFS)

Um, so my boy, Stainer,
hooked me up with my job at TSA

and the rest is
rock 'n' roll history.

So TSA today.
Is there a tomorrow or...?

Oh, I don't know.

Some days I'll be at work
and I'll look out the window

and I'll see all those planes
takin' off, goin' places,

and I think I could
really do that, you know.

And it wouldn't matter if it was

jetliners or cargo planes
or whatever.

I just would really love
that feeling of freedom.

Yeah. I know
what you mean.

So now you know my big secret.

- You should do that, Kirk.
- Well, thank you.

It was easy for you to say.

You switch jobs
at the drop of a hat.

No! No! Not at all!

My parents don't even know
I quit the firm.

- What?
- Yeah, I know.

My dad's an
old-fashioned guy.

He's all about security
and, like, steady paychecks.

And I guess we have a problem
with communication, and, um...

I would like that
not to be the case.

And maybe, maybe,
one day it won't be.

- Yeah.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Do you have to get that?
- Okay.

- No, you know what? It's fine.
- Really?

Yeah.

(MOLLY'S VOICE) This is Molly McCleish.
I'm sorry I missed your call.

- Please leave a message...
- What?! Nuh-uh.

(♪ SARA BAREILLES'
"MANY THE MILES") ♪

♪ There's too many things
that I haven't done yet ♪

♪ Too many sunsets I haven't seen ♪

(INDISTINCT)

♪ You can't waste the day
wishing it'd slow down ♪

♪ You would have thought by now ♪

♪ I'd have learned something ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Mmm... ♪

Never been driven home
by a waiter before.

- (LAUGHS) No. No, nobody usually is.
- Oh, right.

- I had a really nice time.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Thank you. Me, too.

♪ I lose sight of the good life ♪

♪ I get stuck in a low light ♪

You're not thinking about Cam, are you?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No. Uh,
"Cam who?" Is how I feel. No...

I've completely forgotten
how good-looking he is,

and how beautifully moisturized
his skin tones are.

(LAUGHING) Okay. Well...

Oh, my seat belt is screwed up.

Wait, wait. It goes
in the goddamn correct...

♪ There's too many things
that I haven't done yet ♪

♪ Too many sunsets
I haven't seen ♪

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

(STAINER) She kissed you.

She, with her actual mouth,
kissed you?

On purpose?

- Yeah, yeah, man, I know.
- I'm so happy for you, Kirky.

I'm not.
I'm really nervous.

I mean, it feels like
the universe is outta tilt.

You know?
One of us is gonna die.

What's the next step here?
We gonna take this up a notch?

I'm referring to
sexual relations, Devon.

She's comin' to lunch
with my parents on Sunday.

What? Why?
Why would you do that?

You can't do that, dude.
You're jumping six steps!

Well, I... She asked me.

I don't know.
What was I supposed to say?

That takes care of that.

I mean, 20 minutes with your family and
she'll file for a restraining order.

We're safe.

Hey, did she say
anything about Wendy?

You know, like, about me?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(MR. KETTNER) Okay, move it.

Move it, move it,
move it, move it.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- (KIRK) Mom?

- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- (MRS. KETTNER) Hi, sweetie!

(SNORTS)

- Hi. I'm Kirk's mom.
- Hi. I'm Molly.

- Hi!
- Nice!

- To meet you.
- Yes.

Hi. I'm Molly.
Nice to meet you, too.

- Yeah. Thanks.
- Where's your restroom?

- Right through there.
- Thanks. I'm gonna use the restroom.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Through there? Okay.
- Yeah, through there.

- Oh, we don't flush number ones.
- Sorry?

Nothing!
Jesus Christ, Dad! That's...

- What?
- She's a guest.

- Thought we'd make one exception?
- We got very delicate plumbing.

- I...
- Honey. She's really cute!

- She's beautiful.
- All that hair!

- (SIGHING) Yeah.
- You wanna watch the Jap show?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

- (GRUNTING)
- (LAUGHING)

- Nailed it.
- (KIRK) Dylan! I...

I was explicitly told
that you wouldn't be here today.

I thought you were
hangin' drywall or somethin'.

Leroy fired him again.

Whatever. Like that dick never
came to work with a buzz on.

I brought a girl with me,
so I am begging you,

from the bottom of my heart,
please don't be a jerk,

- and I'll do anything you want.
- Slap Shot Regatta.

How long was I down there for?
What's my time? What's my time?

- Nope. Only 58 seconds.
- Damn it!

- Hey, there, pirate!
- So, Ron, you're here.

- That means that...
- Oh, yeah!

Who wants it? Who wants it?
Who wants it? I'll show it!

- I'll show it!
- Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Stop it, guys.

- Boner Patrol!
- Hey, Kirk.

Hi, there.
Everybody, this is Molly.

Molly, this is everybody.

That's my brother, Dylan,
his fiancГ©e, Debbie

and my... Marnie and Ron.

Hey, everybody!

This is when you say,
"Hi, Molly."

- Who are you?
- She's Molly.

- Why is she here?
- She came with me.

You hit her car or something?

Jesus. No, but
thank you for asking.

- You his social worker?
- Nope.

- Shit, are we being evicted?
- No.

- You a hooker?
- Dylan!

- Or a prostitute, I mean?
- Oh, my God.

Kirk and I were having dinner
and he said he was

getting together with his family.
It's been a while since I had

a family dinner,
so I hope you don't mind.

- I just invited myself along.
- Well, come on in for a dip, girl!

- Yeah!
- Ron!

- I don't have a bathing suit.
- Wear your underwear.

- Yeah.
- Like a bikini. Covers the good shit.

- Yeah, underwear is fine.
- Ron!

It's like what they did
in the old days.

Underwear would be fine...

if I were wearing any.

(BUBBLING)

- (MRS. KETTNER) Lunch is ready!
- I'm comin'!

(KIRK) Jeez.

(GRUNTING)

- My mom makes awesome meatloaf.
- Oh, cool.

- After you.
- Sure you want another one, Dad?

(MR. KETTNER) What are you,
my sponsor? Hit me!

(MRS. KETTNER) Ron, honey,

I never complimented
you on your...

on your sweater vest.
It's something!

Here you go.

Dylan, I think if you
just apologized to Leroy,

- he'll take you back.
- No, screw him.

Got a foolproof
moneymaker on the way.

You're gonna want
to pay attention.

I know how to make any car into a
convertible in 15 minutes, so...

- Wow.
- Yeah. You know why?

- (MOLLY) No.
- TWO WORDS: Global warming.

Actually, Dylan, according
to The Day After Tomorrow,

the film, the Earth
actually gets colder.

Yep.

What's, what's up... with you?
Are you...? These days?

- What?
- Want me to help you with the gar...?

Oh, fuck it. You seriously
not wearing any underwear?

- Dylan!
- We're all thinkin' it.

If you want to plan an exit strategy or
leave right now, I won't be offended.

- No, I'm not going anywhere.
- What do you do?

- I'm an event planner.
- (DYLAN) See?

That's a business to get into.
That's usin' your head.

- Thank you, Dylan.
- No, wait for it.

Book a band, blow up balloons,

people pay out the ass
for that, don't they?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, they do.

(MARNIE CLEARING THROAT)

(WHISPERING LOUDLY)
I'm not wearing any underwear.

Hey, Molly. Molly. Check it out.
So Deb and I are gettin' hitched.

How much cash do
you pocket for a wedding?

Any of this striking you
as inappropriate?

We're making conversation.
Don't get your panties in a wad.

- Jesus.
- No, it's fine.

A lot of factors
affect the cost.

Check it out. We got
about 100 peeps coming.

We're doin' a NASCAR theme
in Vegas.

I'm gonna get this kick-ass dress
made outta actual checkered flags,

like real tight, then Dylan's
gonna be in a wicked orange tux

with a Home Depot logo
on the back.

What's up, right? Right?

You've never seen
anything like that?

- Should be extensive.
- What's the damage on that?

My base fee is 15,000.
So 100 people...

I mean, I'd ballpark that
somewhere around 50 grand.

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.

- What?!
- Fuck you!

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you!
- Fuck!

That's a lot of
15 minute convertibles, Dylan?

Wait, so you make a
pretty comfortable living?

Sometimes.

You got your head on right.
And you don't do underwear.

What the hell are you
doin' with numbnuts?

- (MRS. KETTNER) Dylan!
- Honey, what?

- No, hey, whoa, fair question.
- That's a fair question?

- Molly, I am so sorry.
- It's fine. You know, I mean...

Well, I don't...
I don't really know.

No, he makes me laugh.
He doesn't try and impress me.

And I can just be me around him.

- (DEBBIE) Oh, that's sweet.
- (MRS. KETTNER) She's a keeper.

Kirk makes you laugh?
You a comedian? I didn't know.

Tell us a joke there, Sinbad.

I totally understand
what you're talking about.

The curse of being
an attractive woman.

I mean, men are always
putting us on a pedestal,

expecting us to be
something that we're not.

- "Us?"
- Come on, Marnie, get real.

- What?
- Okay. You know, Molly,

we are taking a big family trip
out to Branson on the 31st,

and I think you two should come.

- I think you're wrong.
- (ALL CHATTERING)

- (DYLAN) Gotta come.
- I don't think that's a good idea.

- You should come!
- (MARNIE) We don't have room.

- They've got shows.
- Kenny Rogers' got his own theater.

We'll get a ticket.
I'll get you a ticket.

- Branson's small.
- Branson's a big place!

- Shut up, Ron.
- Can we go?

- It's your call.
- Okay. Well, I'll see what I can do.

- Hey, hot dog!
- Result!

All right, relax.

Molly, I think there's
something you should know.

Kirk and I used to be lovers.

If you stay with him long enough
he'll give you one of these.

- They're great.
- Thank you, Dylan.

That's mine.
It's for my earrings.

Kirk, you look really good.

Thank you. You look really...
Thank you so much.

- (RON) It was fantastic meeting you!
- Oh, you, too.

You're so special
and God, I just...

(MOLLY GRUNTS) Uh...

- Branson, think about it.
- Okay.

(RON) Okay?

- She's really great. Later, pirate.
- Yeah. Bye, pirate.

(MOLLY) Let me help you,
Mrs. Kettner.

(MRS. KETTNER) Maybe you
could wrap those potatoes.

Come on. You're a guest here.
You don't have to do that.

Oh, I don't mind.

Ready? You and me, downstairs,
Slap Shot Regatta.

Man, we're not children anymore.
Do we really have to do this?

- Mom!
- Kirk, go play with your brother.

- We need some girl time.
- Yeah, you promised.

- So pad up, chickenshit!
- Yeah, I'll see you down there.

Aw, crap.

Come on. Let's do this!

- Let's focus it up.
- (MR. KETTNER) Left side.

♪ (MY FEDERATION'S
"WHAT GODS ARE THESE") ♪

- That was lucky.
- He never saw it, but he stopped it.

Come on, Dylan, give it to him.

You think you're Mr. Hot Shit
now with your new chick?

What? No. Maybe I'm just
a bit lucky tonight. I...

- What are you?
- You're not better than me.

Take a look. All these trophies
say Dylan Kettner.

- First place. First place. MVP.
- I don't think I'm better than you.

I never said that. And maybe Molly's
a little better looking than I am.

A little?
Are you shitting me?

Okay, I think we can all agree that
Debbie here is one wicked hot box.

Thanks, babe.

This chick of yours
makes her look like a pig.

- What? You're an asshole! What?!
- See?

This girlfriend of yours
is already startin' shit!

(VOCALIZING)

Did you see that, Mom?!

- One second! Butterfly!
- (ALL SHOUTING)

- (ALL SHOUT)
- (GROANING)

- I want to have another baby!
- No, that's okay, sweetheart.

(MR. KETTNER)
Okay, boys, it's a tie.

There are no ties in hockey,
as there are no ties in life.

- True.
- Last shot. Winner takes all. Go!

(MOLLY) Okay, come on, you can
do it. He's got nothing.

He's got less than nothing.
Own it. You can do it.

(DEBBIE) Come on, Dylan! Get in the zone!
You're still my MVP, baby!

Kirk's just
a skinny little loser!

- Jesus, Debbie.
- Man, I gotta sit down.

You want to do this?
Let's do it.

(MOLLY SHRIEKS)

(DEBBIE) Damn it!

(MRS. KETTNER)
There's always a next time.

- Fuck it!
- (MRS. KETTNER) Dylan.

This floor's all slippery! And
these shoes are fucked for this!

- Dylan, hey! Sportsmanship.
- Fuck you!

- Time out.
- You guys take a time out

from bein' assholes!

(DEBBIE) Oh, God.

Ta-da!

- I'll get us some wine.
- Yeah, cool.

- This place is gorgeous!
- (CHUCKLES) Thank you.

This kind of reminds me of my place,
except for my place is a total shithole.

This is awesome.
How long have you lived...

- (DOG BARKS) - My God!
What the fuck is that?!

Oh, that's Captain Pickles. I'm watching
him while my folks are on vacation.

What is he?
A dog or a fuckin' horse?

Sit down.

Wha... (STAMMERS)
Me or the dog?

You. He doesn't like
people standing.

He feels threatened by it.
He gets all, you know, angsty.

Hey, angsty, that's...
No, hey, I come in peace.

Thank you.

- Chin chin.
- (GIGGLES)

♪ (BILL WITHERS' "USE ME") ♪

(WHINES)

♪ My friends ♪

♪ Feel it's their appointed duty ♪

Okay, wait. Um...

I don't want to move too fast.

I... No, sure, no problem.
No problem.

No, don't get me wrong.
I mean, once I trust a person

I can experiment
and get pretty generous.

Yeah, yeah,
no, me, too. Me, too.

I... I'm... I love,
love, to experiment,

and I get really generous.
I can be very, very generous.

I am quite the charitable lover.

♪ But, oh, baby
baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ When you love me
I can't get enough ♪

♪ They keep trying to tell me ♪

♪ All you want to do is use me ♪

I got... Can we stop
for two secs?

No.

♪ But my answer ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ To all that use me stuff ♪

♪ I, I, I
Is I wanna spread the news ♪

- (BREATHING RAPIDLY)
- ♪ That if it feels this good ♪

♪ Getting used ♪

♪ Oh, you just keep on using me ♪

(KIRK GROANING)

- (GRUNTING)
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- (MAN) Honey, you there?
- Dad?

"Dad?!" What the...?
Oh, dear God!

(MR. MCCLEISH) Are you in?

- (MOLLY) Hey!
- Hi...

- Hey.
- (MRS. MCCLEISH) Hey, baby.

- (KIRK) Shit.
- Told you we should call ahead.

We decided to come back early.

(MR. MCCLEISH) Thought we'd come by,
take the Captain off your hands.

(KATIE) Hope we aren't
interrupting.

- Who's your little friend?
- (KIRK WHISPERING) Oh, God!

- Well, this is Kirk.
- Gerald McCleish. It's a pleasure.

Yeah.

- Ah, nope. Nope.
- No?

I don't, uh...
Oh, God, where are my manners?

You guys must be exhausted from your
travels. Please, hey, have a seat.

Put your... Put your feet up.
Really get into a groove.

- Thank you.
- (KIRK) Sure.

That's kind of you.

(KIRK) I think I have
that same sweater.

Really?

So, uh... that's...

Uh, no. Oh, Lord.

Oh, no, Captain Pickles.
No. No, Captain.

Pickles!

- Kirk?
- Excuse me.

Thank you for having me.
This has been a lovely evening.

Good night.

Awesome.

(STAINER) Devon, I'll give you
50 dollars just to curse once.

- Seventy-five. Just say "fuck."
- I won't, I won't say it out loud.

- I'll write it.
- That doesn't count!

- You're gonna what?
- I'll write it down.

That doesn't count!
You have to say it out loud.

- Why doesn't it count?
- Say "shit." I'll give you 100.

- Oh!
- Hey.

Hey, Kirk. Um...

My shift doesn't start
for another half hour,

but I was so excited,
so I came early.

Yeah, weird. He said he was
excited, so he came early.

Yeah. That ever
happened to you?

You're so excited about
something that you come early.

Jesus Christ, you're Fort Knox
over here. Thank you very much.

I didn't mean to tell 'em,
Kirky. I'm sorry.

Come on, he couldn't help it.
It just, you know, slipped out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.

Thank you very much.
And go fuck yourselves.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, shit.

Kirk, can I talk to you
for a second?

- In private.
- There are no secrets here, Marnie.

Okay. Well,

I think I made a little mistake,
and, um, I see a change in you,

and I really like it,
so let's get back together!

Just to try it out.
You know?

Uh, that's really interesting.

- No, I don't think so.
- But you broke up with Molly.

- She cornered me.
- Jesus, Devon!

Look, Marnie, I moved on
like you kept telling me to.

You're here because some
other girl has shown interest.

That's not it!

Look, Kirk, I am really
worried about you with her.

She seems like kind of a bitch.

So I'm just saying that if
you want to get back together,

- like you begged me before...
- Shh...

I am even willing to
consider breaking up with Ron.

- What? You're still with Ron.
- The pirate?

Yeah. I'm not gonna risk
being all alone just 'cause

Kirk doesn't know
what's good for him.

Look, Kirky. Deep down you know it is
never gonna work out with you and Molly.

And I just can't stand
to see you get hurt.

So if that makes me
the bad guy... so be it.

It's embarrassing.

Jesus Christ.

- Hey.
- (KIRK SIGHS)

Did you just come
in your pants again?

You can tell us.
We're your friends. Did you?

Hey, why would you tell her
I broke up with Molly?

'Cause I thought you had.

- No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
- A "sticky wicket?"

Yeah, a rough patch.
Rough pumpkins.

- How many times have you called her?
- Five.

How many times have you
really called her?

- Seventeen.
- It's done, man. Tao of Love.

- What?
- That's what I call it.

The Tao of Love. You being with Molly
defies, like, forces of nature.

- It's over, man.
- No. It's not over.

Frankly, I'm kinda sick
of you guys pretending

like you know where I'm comin' from.
None of you know what I'm goin' through.

- Tina Jordan does.
- Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

- She was my Molly.
- You never mentioned her.

I didn't want to jinx it.
But she was perfect.

Yeah, perfect.

Freckled shoulders.

Anyway, two months into it,
bam, she dumps me.

I shoulda seen it coming, too, 'cause
she was a ten. Like a hard ten.

And I was a six, possibly a seven.
Either way, I couldn't cover the spread.

The universe spoke.
And I was depressed for months.

That's what that was?
You said you had mono.

- Yeah. Mono of the heart.
- Oh, my God. How's your vagina?

Shut up, Jack!

Dude, forget Stainer. All right?
I think you could get her back.

Why don't you look Kirk
in the eyes

and tell him you believe
he's gonna end up with Molly.

- Just tell him that.
- Fine. Fine.

Kirky, I truly believe that...

I mean, I think
anything's possible.

- "Anything is possible?!"
- Come on!

Like, there's a million
examples of guys like Kirky

- endin' up with beautiful women.
- Such as?

- Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
- Right.

Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear.
Then he went on to Denise Richards.

Yeah. All recording artists. Normal
rules don't apply to those guys.

Kirk, as soon as you record
an album and it goes platinum,

you can push your meat into
any human being you want.

Okay, okay. Okay.
King Kong and Naomi Watts.

Never consummated.
Totally platonic relationship.

Stephen Hawking
and his lady nurse.

He's the master
of space and time!

He knows about
black holes and shit.

What about the
President of France

and that girl that
went out with Mick Jagger?

He knows about wine.
And has a French accent.

Can probably French kiss
like a motherfucker!

- Oh, okay, okay...
- Wait a second. The Beast.

- Who?
- The Beast! From Beauty and the Beast?

Beast won Beauty's love, and he wasn't
rich and he wasn't a recording artist.

- Though he did have an amazing voice.
- Okay, Devon, that's a cartoon.

But, yes, that's one.
One out of a million.

You know what, Stainer?
All it takes is one.

Man, you... You guys just
sit here and talk about

relationships, but the truth is,

I'm the only one here
that's married.

I'm tired of you guys bustin' my nuggets
'cause I've only been with one girl.

It's 'cause she was the right
girl! That's why I married her!

So, Kirky, let me tell you somethin'.
If Molly's the right girl,

that's all that matters.
You just... You stand up.

You stand up, you get
in front of her. You get

right in her grill and you say,
"Hey, I am Kirk Kettner"

and I am right here,
standin' in front of you...

"right here. Here I am."

- Somethin' like that.
- The power of love.

- Beautiful.
- Moving.

Very... Perfect.

Thank you. I was in debate,
junior/senior year.

I don't know if
you guys remember that.

Look at that.

Oh, there she is.

Listen to me, dude. Gotta go,
loud and proud, gotta tell her,

- "Hey, I jizzed in my shorts" you know?
- All right...

No! "That's what I do. Okay?
It's how I roll. Deal with it."

You know, I know I don't know...

I don't know much about this,

but that can't be
good advice, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

You have nothing
to be embarrassed of.

If anything, you paid her
a compliment. Right?

- Yeah.
- Trust it.

Here goes nothin'.

Oh, shit, Molly.
Six o'clock.

- Hey, Molly.
- Hey.

- Did you get my messages?
- Yeah, yeah, I got them, Kirk.

What the hell
happened the other night?

You act like a freak
with Captain Pickles,

you won't get off the couch
to shake my father's hand

when we had a whole conversation
about how he was old-fashioned!

Yeah, I know.
I know. I'm sorry.

I spent a whole day
with your entire family,

and you can't even spend
30 seconds with mine.

I mean, that's
a pretty big red flag.

- It is not a red flag.
- I can't do this here.

- I'm working, and...
- Okay. Sorry.

I ejaculated in my pants.

Uh...

Uh... We were getting
sort of hot

and nasty, you know...

It's not every day
that I have a super-hot girl

grinding on top of me, and
I got a little too excited and,

before I know it, your parents
are in the room and I'm there

with just a big friggin'
oyster in my shorts.

Right. Sorry. Sorry.

I mean, I'll say this
for him. He's honest.

So thanks for the advice.
That went horribly.

Enjoy the air show, boys.
I'm going to go...

No guy in his right mind
would ever make that up.

Right?

You should probably
go talk to him.

- Yeah.
- Just wait one second.

And... here she comes.

- Kirk!
- Yes!

Yeah.

(DEVON) She told him a joke
or somethin'. Something's funny.

They're ki... They're gonna
ki... They're kissing! Yes!

- You're like Yoda.
- Yeah, I know.

Like Sex Yoda. (IMITATES YODA) "The
Force is strong with you, Jack."

(JACK) Trust the system.
It takes care of itself.

- (KIRK HUMMING)
- Ah, that went well.

Kinda.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(CAM) Wow. She sure is
somethin', isn't she?

- It's Kirk, right?
- Oh, God. Hi, Cam.

(CAM) Excellent
to see you again, sir.

Listen, Kirk.
Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, I guess so.
See ya.

Listen, Kirk. I understand
that fellas, such as yourself,

have uniquely candid relationships
with the women that they befriend,

- am I right?
- Fellas such as myself?

Don't get me wrong. I have no
problem with your lifestyle.

What two or more grown men do in
the privacy of their own home,

hell, it's of no concern to me.

I don't know what Molly's
told you about me, all right?

If she said anything bad, let's
face it, I probably deserve it.

- Actually, Cam, we haven't...
- God as my witness, I'll get her back.

Cool.

Can I count on you to put in
a good word for me, Elton John?

Yeah, whatever
gets this over with.

You're the man, Kirk.
Bring it in.

- Yeah, yeah, you got it. - (EXHALES)
You feel that tolerance?

(CAM SNIFFS)

- Man, you gays smell good.
- (KIRK) That's good.

This is awesome!
Does anybody have a camera?

- Stainer.
- What?

Wait a minute, dude.
Does that, does that say...?

(KIRK) Yep, I think it does.

- Jesus, man. Goddamn it.
- Did you guys get a picture?

By the way, Kirk, you can
do better than these guys.

I mean, this one is kinda cute,
but the other two... Oof!

Show some pride, pal.

♪ (TAL BACHMAN'S "SHE'S SO HIGH") ♪

♪ She's blood, flesh and bone ♪

(MAN) Pittsburgh tower. Foot Long,
you are cleared for takeoff...

♪ She's touch, smell, sight
taste and sound ♪

(CAM) Roger that, tower.
Turn and burn.

Honestly, I'd have sex
with that guy.

♪ I know where I belong
And nothing's gonna happen ♪

Yeah, I would.

♪ 'Cause she's so high ♪

♪ High above me
She's so lovely ♪

- Fuck! You're lucky!
- Yeah!

♪ She's so high ♪

♪ Like Cleopatra ♪

♪ Joan of Arc or Aphrodite ♪

♪ She's so high ♪

♪ High above me ♪

♪ I know where I belong ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna happen
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause she's so high ♪

♪ High above me
She's so lovely ♪

♪ She's so high ♪

♪ High above me ♪

(KIRK) So how's
your sister doin'?

She turns 21 next week
and she's, I don't know,

she still has no sense of direction.

You know? She's coming
over for dinner,

and I really
want to give her advice,

but I don't know what
to say to her, you know?

So what do you... You
don't know what to say to her?

She's only 20. She's not 30.
And she's not you.

You know?
When I was 20,

I did not have
my act together, man.

I mean, look at this kid now.

I'm in TSA.
I am livin' the dream.

You're right. Maybe I am
being too hard on her.

And, I'm sorry, but she's
comin' over for dinner?

She's turning 21!
You gotta throw her a party.

I mean, that's what you do for a
living, right? You throw parties?

I can't believe
I never thought of that.

- That's a really good idea.
- Thanks.

(STAINER) It's been ten dates
and you can't seal the deal?

What's wrong with you?

Listen to me. Things with
Molly are good, right?

They're back on track.

You have gotta recover
from your little oopsie-daisy,

little early-bird special.
Gotta get back in that ring.

It's just terrifying, frankly,

the idea of me naked

- in front of her... also naked.
- But what's to be terrified of?

Because you've done
your prep work, right?

Yeah...
I think she likes me.

- She really likes you.
- Thank you.

That's cute. Yeah, good.

But it's not at all
what I'm talking about.

A girl like Molly, hot as shit,

manicured from
fuckin' head to toe.

- (STAINER) Mm. Yeah.
- Right?

What the hell are you
talking about?

Listen, I'm talkin' about this.

- Uh-huh.
- I'm talkin' about this.

- (DEVON) Your chin.
- Yeah.

- And I'm talkin' about this.
- (UNZIPS ZIPPER)

- Oh, jeez!
- (JACK) No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Look, guys!
- (DEVON) Jack!

This is fine. 'Cause this
is clean. It's organized.

It's kind of
Japanese-looking, to be honest.

Whatever you do,
don't look directly at it.

(JACK) I'll bet you
Cam's balls look like this.

It's like a baby.
It's just smooth.

It's a look that says, "Hey,
you can put your mouth here."

- He is... He just moved.
- (JACK) It's just a thought.

Just tryin' to help, that's all.

All right, Stainer,
let's get outta here.

- Yeah, I'm hungry. I gotta go eat.
- Hey, Kirky. Prep work.

You hear me? Out.

God.

Okay.

Here goes nothin'.

- Oh! Ow! (WHINING)
- Shoot! Kirky! Kirky!

We shoulda done a hot towel.

You know, like those
old-timey barbershops?

- Helps raise the hairs.
- I don't like this!

Kirk, if you want to abort the
mission, that's completely cool.

I don't... I can't really
abort the mission right now.

I've shaved approximately
one-third of my balls.

I'll look pretty fuckin' stupid
if I stop now!

Did you shave one ball
and then the other ball,

- or are you workin' top to bottom?
- Shut up, shut up!

You shut up. I mean, seriously,
just shave it like your face!

I can't do it like my face!

My face doesn't have two
testicles sticking out of it!

If it did, I would grow
a pretty thick goddamn beard.

Kirk.

Kirk?

- Do you need a hand?
- Oh, motherf...!

There we go.

So how is this not gay?

I think there's
nothing gay about it.

The fact that you're lettin'

a straight married man
shave your testicles...

I think that makes you one
of the most macho guys alive.

There is some logic in that.

Thank you. You know what?
Can you pick that up?

Can you pick 'em up for me?

There it is.

That's a lot. Okay, drop 'em.

Voila!

- Ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.
- Take a look!

What do you think?

Devon!

It looks fucking huge!

♪ (PLAYING HALL & OATES'
"KISS ON MY LIST") ♪

♪ My friends wonder why
I call you all the time ♪

♪ What can I say?
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Well, I don't feel the need
to give such secrets away ♪

♪ Well, you think
maybe I need help ♪

♪ Though I know I'm right
All right ♪

♪ I'm just better off ♪

♪ Not listening to friends advice ♪

♪ When they insist
on knowing my bliss ♪

♪ La, la, la
La, la, la ♪

♪ I tell them this ♪

♪ When they want to know
what the reason is ♪

♪ I only smile when I lie
Then I tell them why ♪

♪ Because your kiss ♪

♪ Your kiss is on my list ♪

♪ Because your kiss ♪

♪ Your kiss I can't resist ♪

♪ Because your kiss
is on my list ♪

♪ Of the best things in life ♪

♪ Because your kiss ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MIC SQUEALS)

All right, everybody, give it up
one more time for Adult Education!

Awesome stuff. They're
going to play some more

Hall and Oates for us,

and maybe some other
old favorites

from some other
artists? No?

- (MAN) You're kidding me.
- Nope. Just... more Hall and Oates.

Everybody, let's raise
a glass to Patty and Molly

for throwing, by far,

the coolest party I've ever
personally been invited to.

Great job, girls. Let's
hear it for Patty and Molly!

And now, to the gorgeous
birthday girl, Katie McCleish.

You're 21 years old now.

What else can I say?
Let life come to you.

- Happy birthday, Katie!
- Thank you.

All right, guys,
enjoy the party.

- Can you hold this for me?
- Why?

Better with my jacket off.
Just ditch that somewhere.

What? What am I
supposed to do with this?

Okay, now we're gonna
take it down. A lot.

You're totally gonna jump
his bones tonight, aren't you?

I don't know. Maybe.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I think it's time for you
to dance with me.

♪ (PLAYING PAUL YOUNG'S
"EVERY TIME YOU GO AWAY") ♪

♪ Why do we loose so many tears ♪

♪ Whoa, so you go again ♪

Hey, Devon! Wendy, remember?

No. No, I don't.
I... Aw, shoot.

I think this is the first time
we're meeting. Ever!

- Okay.
- This is my wife, Karen.

- I'm Karen.
- (GIGGLING) Wendy.

(BOTH) Nice to meet you. (LAUGH)

(LAUGHING)

- That's good. Okay, I'm gonna...
- Okay.

♪ Every time you go away ♪

What?

♪ You take a piece
of me with you ♪

- Oh, there's my parents!
- What?

Hey! Hey, let's go meet them.

Uh...

She's with that fuckin' asshole.

- (GIGGLES) Hi!
- Hi!

- Hey, baby...
- Dad, hi.

- You, uh, remember Kirk.
- Yeah, how could we forget? Yeah.

- Oh, this time we...?
- Hi, there.

Uh, Mr.
And Mrs. McCleish,

from the bottom of my heart,
I am so sorry.

The last time we met
wasn't exactly the world's

- greatest first impression.
- No, it certainly was not.

I promise you that
I will grow on you.

I hear this party
was all your idea.

No, no.
This is all Molly's.

Hey, what line of work
are you in, son?

It's kind of a long story.
I grew up with my...

- Kirk's in aviation.
- (MRS. MCCLEISH) Another pilot?

- Really?
- Oh, Molly likes the flyboys.

Just like your mother.

I flew choppers back in Nam,

Saigon. Evacuation,
April '75, that was...

He's been pushing Molly
to take flying lessons.

- After she passes the bar.
- Yeah. Flying!

- (LAUGHING) - Hey, now here's a pilot!
How are ya?!

- You son of a bitch!
- Boy, good to see you!

Good to see you.
Lucille, don't you look lovely.

- Hello, Cam.
- What?

- Kirky!
- I didn't think you were gonna be here.

You bet. You know,
Ger and Lucille invited me.

- What a pleasant surprise!
- Target acquired.

- Cam... How's it going?
- Mol.

Have you seen Katie?
Let's go see Katie.

- Okay. I'm... See you down there.
- Good to see you again, kid.

Nice to see you... sir.
I'll see you down there.

♪ (BLACK KIDS'
"I'VE UNDERESTIMATED MY CHARMS (AGAIN)") ♪

♪ I get angst in my pants ♪

(CAM) Mind if I join you?

So, uh, Molly just explained
all about you two,

and I gotta admit
I feel like a jackass.

Don't worry about it, man...

It's all good.
I thought you were gay, too.

- Just joking. I'm just joking.
- You are funny.

- Thank you.
- All right, then...

Take good care of her.
She's a special girl.

- Yeah, she's perfect.
- Oh, yeah, about that...

Don't really call her that.
She doesn't like it.

And, besides, she's not
exactly perfect anyway, right?

What do you mean?

All right, listen.

Don't let it creep you out, okay?

I mean, the first time
I saw her little defect...

Woof! I'll admit
it gave me the willies.

But it might not
bother you. Who knows?

All right? And even if it does,
just try to be cool, you know,

and you'll get used to it,
all right? Good luck.

No, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Please, this is...
This is very important. Uh...

- Birth defect? What is it?
- I can't tell you that, man.

Somethin' you're gonna
have to figure out for yourself.

I'm out.

Interesting.

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

- Okay, your turn.
- Yeah.

Oh, shit.

I haven't really been hittin' the
gym as much as I should lately.

It's okay.

Holy Moses.

(MOLLY) Oh!

- Interesting.
- What, what? What?

Nothing. Nothing.

What's wrong?

It's been a while and I'm not
very experienced, uh, sex-wise.

- Kirk, please. Your balls are shaved.
- Oh, I know. I know.

It's a new thing I'm trying out.
It's a bad idea. It's...

I feel like I'm eleven.

What if I show you something
I'm self-conscious about?

- Oh, that would be amazing.
- Okay.

- Promise me you won't laugh.
- No, I, I... I promise.

Okay.

What am I looking at?

That's it?

- That's your big defect?
- Webbed toes is not a defect!

Yeah, no shit
webbed toes is not a defect!

I was expecting some
kind of pulsating growth

or a cluster of lumps...

or like a little dick that,
I don't know, talked.

This is what...

All you got is it's inconvenient
for you to wear flip-flops?

Who told you
I have a defect? Cam?

Well, yeah.
And as far as I can tell

that's the only thing
separating you from perfect.

You think I'm too perfect?

So you were hoping there was
something wrong with me

- so you could be with me.
- Look at the evidence, Molly.

It's...

I'm unattractive, I'm out of
shape, I'm uncoordinated,

I've never been to Europe,

I'm not a college graduate,
I drive a Neon...

(CHUCKLES)
I like your Neon.

Oh, God, come on,
Molly, look at me.

I'm a five.
This is a five. Hard five.

You can't jump more
than two points.

It's the Tao of Love.
Everybody knows that.

Even if you were a nine,
and I was in a band,

- but no, you're a hard ten.
- What are you talking about?

(STAMMERS)

Do you even know
how hot you are?

No, you probably think that everybody
gets free shit everywhere they go,

and everybody's happy and nice to
each other in shiny, happy Hot Town,

with you and all your hot
friends and ex-boyfriends,

but I hate to break it to you,

it's not the same
for the rest of us.

Okay, Kirk. You clearly have
some major self-esteem issues.

You lied about me to your
parents right in front of me!

- No, I didn't!
- "Kirk's in aviation?"

That's like saying the guy

who shovels elephant shit
at the circus

is in show business. No,
he's just the elephant shit guy.

That's me. I'm that guy.

I'm never gonna be a pilot.
And I am happy with that.

And I'm fine with that, too.

And I was fine with you up until
about three minutes ago.

That's... I'm so glad
that you were "fine" with me.

You know what? Maybe you're
right. Maybe you are a five.

You know why?
No self-esteem, deduct a point.

Every time someone
walks into a room

you compare yourself to them,
deduct a point.

You're a smart and talented guy who's
afraid to do anything with it,

deduct a point.
How are we doing?

Oh, yeah.

Hoping that I have a defect
that you can work with?

Deduct whatever's left.

I'm outta here. Webbed fucking feet.
Are you kidding me?

- Kirk!
- Hey, do me a favor.

- Tell Foot Long I said hi.
- He's my ex-boyfriend, Kirk. Ex!

- Know why we broke up?
- Because you guys couldn't decide

- which one of you was hotter?
- No. Because he behaved

exactly like you're behaving right now.
He couldn't handle it.

He thought I was perfect,
he had me on a pedestal

that I couldn't possibly
live up to!

Oh, and one other little thing?
He cheated on me.

After that I said to myself,

"I'm not gonna date guys
like that anymore."

Wait... "Guys like that?"
So, what, you're just...

- You were gonna date guys like me?
- That what you wanna hear?

That I asked you out
'cause you're safe?

Yeah, keep goin'.

That I thought that a guy who
looks like you wouldn't hurt me?

Is that what you want to hear,
Kirk? Are you happy now?

♪ (NEWTON FAULKNER'S
"DREAM CATCH ME") ♪

Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

♪ Every time ♪

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Kirk!

- (SIGHS)
- ♪ It's you ♪

♪ And I know now ♪

♪ Who I am ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ There's a place I go
when I'm alone ♪

Fuck.

♪ Hold it close
Won't let this go ♪

♪ Dream, catch me, yeah ♪

♪ Dream, catch me when I fall ♪

♪ Or, else, I won't come back at all ♪

(MAN) Six-Delta-Bravo, flight
cleared to land, runway two-two.

♪ (PLAYING "KISS ON MY LIST") ♪

♪ Your kiss is on my lips
Because... ♪

- "List." It's "list."
- No, it's not. It's "lips."

- (STAINER) It's "list."
- "Your kiss is on my lips."

Why'd it be "list?"

"It's on my list
of the best things in life."

- Stainer.
- What?

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Kirk.

Where have you been?
Here. Tune it.

Oh, shit. So you're all
"Branson bound," huh?

Yeah. They were
Marnie's idea.

Okay, Kirky, let's go.

- Okay, I'll see you guys later.
- (STAINER) Relax.

The Branson flight's
not for another 45 minutes.

I could just meet you
down at the gate.

Okay.

(MRS. KETTNER) Everybody
together? Got everything?

- (MR. KETTNER) Yeah.
- (DYLAN) I'm comin'.

Wow, so you're
really back with Marnie.

Hey, fellas.

Hand it over. No liquids
over three-point-four ounces.

Good call. Hey, pirate,
can you spot me a 20?

I want to get one of those
scented neck pillows.

(KIRK) Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, of course.

- Here you go.
- Thanks, bro.

Yeah, you got it.

Are you kidding me?

This might seem crazy,
but he and I actually have

- a lot in common, so... Oh, fuck!
- Sorry.

You don't have anything
in common with those people.

Look at me. You okay?

Do you think I really
want to be Branson bound?

I don't.

The whole time you told me I wasn't
good enough, you were right.

So this is my life. I gotta go.

Marnie's waiting for me.

- See ya, guys.
- Yeah.

- See you later, Kirky.
- See you.

What?

Hmm.

What?

Goddamn it. Tina Jordan.

Here.

(WOMAN) That's a large Coke,
a fry and some ketchup...

- Mary J. Blige!
- Hey, Wendell.

I need to know, right now,
why it didn't work out with us.

- I have customers.
- This is important, okay?

This is important.
I was good to you, right?

I mean, I was sensitive.

Remember when you got the flu?
I didn't party that weekend.

Remember?
Remember the leg massages?

Remember when I used to run my
hand down your back? Like that?

Remember when I nursed
that baby bird to health?

Little Timothy? Huh? He died.

Christ on a corndog.
Tammy, can you cover for me?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks, Tammy.

(TAMMY) Whatever, Wendell. Can I help
the next person in line, please?

I really liked you,
but all that stuff about

I'm a ten and you're only a six?

- Seven.
- Fine.

But you were all up
in my beeswax

checking to see
if I was gonna dump you.

But you did dump me!

Why don't you just admit I was
never good enough for you?

Wendell, you were
plenty good enough for me.

You were just never
good enough for you.

Oh, shit.

I'm gonna need some
gravy fries when I get back.

Would you put your
seat forward, please?

- Tom fuckin' Wopat, bro. Told you.
- Tray table.

- Kirky, look at David Archuleta.
- (WOMAN) Can I help you?

(STAINER)
TSA. Excuse me.

- (WOMAN) You have no authority.
- You better believe I do.

All right, everybody, listen up!
TSA! I apologize.

This guy's drunk as fuck.

He shit his pants.
It's very embarrassing.

We have to get him off. I'll
have to have you come with me.

Jesus Christ.
What are you doin'?

I was wrong about you and Molly.

We gotta fix it. Just act drunk.
Thank you. TSA. Come on.

Believe it or not,
this has nothin' to do with you.

- (MAN) Sir!
- It's not about me.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to exit the aircraft.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to exit my personal space.

- (KIRK) Stainer!
- Fuck off! Sorry, that's yours.

You're gonna get arrested by the
Department of Homeland Security.

They're gonna send you
to Guantanamo Bay.

Yeah. I like Cuba.
I like mojitos.

You don't wanna go
to Branson with A-holes!

- He call us A-holes?
- Look at them. That one's pregnant.

- That guy's got hair in the front.
- Dude...

Sweetheart, remember the baby.

- I'm doin' this for the baby.
- Don't be a hero!

- How's this work? Seat belt person!
- Stop. We have a...

They are my family.
And I'm with Marnie now.

Marnie is an evil bitch.
All due respect.

Kirk! Hit him!

- At least say something.
- (MAN) Let's go.

Okay. I was right about Molly.
She's a ten, okay? A hard ten.

- My God.
- I was wrong about you. You're a ten.

- You can't settle for a three.
- Two.

- Arguably a two.
- Come on, let's go.

You're the best guy I know. I won't let
you end up with her. You're a ten!

- (MAN) Come on.
- Listen! You're a ten!

You're a ten!
Kirk, don't do it!

I'm not going!
I'm not going!

- Okay, this is not good.
- All right, I'm going.

Whatever.

(WOMAN) Last call
for flight four-four-three.

- Damn it!
- Last call for flight four-four-three.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- (STAINER) Hey, Patty.

- Who is this?
- Stainer. Don't hang up.

How the fuck
did you get my number?

- TSA. Moving on...
- No, no, no. Let's not move on.

This better not be where you ask me out
because you confused my hatred for you

for some kind of flirtation.
I thought I made myself clear.

No, no, no, you were clear.
We're good.

- 'Cause I genuinely hate you also.
- Oh, cool.

Cool. And we're back to talking.

All right. So, Kirk is leaving
on a plane with another girl.

Now, I tried to get him off,
but they threw me off the plane!

Stainer, your screw-up
is not my problem.

No, we both screwed up. We told
them that it wasn't gonna work.

They believed us. So now,
unfortunately, I need your help.

Hello? Patty? Goddamn it,
you fucking hung up on me!

- Okay, I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you.

(SCREAMS)
Sorry.

(MAN) I have a ground X-ray one
radio check. Taxi to one-two.

(MAN В™Є2) EastWest four-three, you're
cleared for taxi to runway two-seven.

So, we are seeing the
Dave Coulier tomorrow night,

and on Saturday we're gonna see
both of the Elvis tributes,

- and then on S...
- No.

- Excuse me?
- No, no, no. Stainer was right.

(MAN) Flight attendants,
prepare for departure.

- Stainer was right.
- What are you doing? Kirk!

Yeah, I'm not going
to Branson with you people.

You are my family
and I love you, but really,

with the exception of Mom,

you're all a bunch
of bloodsucking vampires

who never support anything I do.

I'm going to go find Molly and
show her that I am good enough.

So fuck you, Debbie.

Fuck you, Dylan.
Fuck you, Dad.

Fuck you... businessman.
I'm sorry.

And, most of all,
fuck you, Marnie.

Yep.

You never deserved me
in the first place,

you evil little dwarf.

So fuck you all! Yep.

Sir. You need to take your seat.
We're pushing back.

Don't know if you
just heard my speech,

but I need to
get off this plane.

If I reopen that cabin door,

that's a 25,000 dollar
fine for you.

Twenty-five...?

What do you want to do?

Is there another seat
I could take?

We're full. Now,
take your seat and buckle up.

Yep. Okay.

(MAN) Cabin crew,
lock doors and cross-check.

Gonna be a long flight,
eh, pirate?

What's going on?
What's the emergency?

- Molly, how are you doing?
- Fine.

No, I'm actually asking you.
How are you doing?

Oh.

- You have photo ID, right?
- Well, yeah.

- Where are we going?
- Just buckle up!

(MAN) We should be
on our way shortly,

so just sit back, relax and...

(WOMAN) The white zone is for
immediate loading and unloading...

You're gonna tell me
what's going on?

In ten minutes, Kirk is leaving on a
plane for Branson with a horrible,

- horrible girl.
- Marnie?

- Yes. Let's go.
- If Kirk's getting back together

with Marnie, I'm not going!

In fourth grade,
I peed in my pants.

On several occasions. Everybody
started calling me Stainer.

Know how I made it through
those dark days?

- Plastic underwear?
- In part.

But also Kirk. You see,
he told me to own that name.

Call myself Stainer,
so that nobody could hurt me.

- What's your point?
- Kirk's the best guy I know.

But he's like...
He's like a spider.

You know? He's more afraid
of you than you are of him.

And he also,
he has long legs and...

Look. If you want him,
you gotta go get him.

- We're moving. Where is the package?
- It's here.

Okay, we couldn't
get him off the plane,

- so we've gotta get you on.
- Oh, thank you, Stainer!

This is so exciting. Yes!

Oh, shit. Follow me.

- Excuse me!
- Hey!

- Come on!
- Boarding passes and IDs out.

- Let's keep it moving!
- One second.

Whoa, whoa!
What the hell are you doing?

Putting her on a plane,
that's what.

Well, unless she has a first
class ticket, back of the line.

Fuller, you have a choice.

You can step aside
or you can fight me.

If that's how you want to go,
I warn you, I will go dark side.

Okay? I will rip out your hair,
I'll bite your chin off,

and I will stab you in the eyes
with confiscated scissors.

'Cause I am an
insane motherfucker!

You know that from the break
room! What's it gonna be?!

(MOLLY) Yes!

(MAN) Please check
your seat belts.

We're preparing for departure.

Branson!

They've gone. We missed it.

No, no, no.
No. No, this is not...

This is supposed to happen.
This isn't how this works.

- Yeah? Talk to Jack.
- Stop the plane.

Dude, done and done.

Yeah, that's how we roll.

Oh, come here, beautiful.
Time to go to work.

(MAN) Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the Captain.

We got some kinda light on up here.
Some kind of mechanical problem.

Anyway, we're gonna
have to deplane.

- (PASSENGERS GROAN)
- Man! What's "deplane" mean?

Come on, Jack.
Come on.

Come on, Jack!

- (MOLLY SHRIEKS) - That's it!
Yeah. Let's go, let's go.

Look, Kirk, I do not know
what's gotten into you,

but I just want to say
I forgive you and

we are going to go to Branson,
and we are going to enjoy it!

Okay, you got something off
your chest, and that is fine.

And it's over now. We are gonna
pretend that it never happened.

Why are you walking so fast?

Kirk! We're solid, baby!

We're... Oh, that is it.

- That is it! Motherfucker!
- Excuse me. Sorry.

- Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I will catch you, Kirk!

- No...
- I will catch you!

- Excuse me.
- I'm faster than you!

Sorry.

I will catch you if it's
the last thing that I do...

♪ (JET'S "COLD HARD BITCH") ♪

♪ Gotta leave town
Got another appointment ♪

- ♪ Spent all my rent ♪
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Who is it?
- It's Kirk. Kirk, where are you?

Stainer, you were right, buddy.

I just got off the plane.
I'm gonna go find Molly.

That's great, except we're
right here. I'm with Molly.

- What?!
- We came to find you.

We're at the gate!
Turn around, we're here.

All right, I'm comin' to you.
Comin' to you!

Excuse me! Sorry, sorry!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- (SCREAMING)
- Oh, God.

♪ Cold hard bitch
Just a kiss on the lips ♪

- (GROANS)
- (HORN HONKS)

Hey, wait! Cart, wait!

♪ Cold hard bitch ♪

- ♪ She was shakin' her hips ♪
- (MAN) What the hell?

♪ That's all that I need ♪

- Oh, my God!
- Go!

- (SHOUTING)
- Hey!

Would you stop it?!

I think we should see other people!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What are you doin' here?
- It was Patty and Stainer's idea.

I, I, I just, uh...

I just knew that
I had to come find you.

- I nearly...
- Kirk, shut up. Let me speak.

That's a good idea.

You are out of shape.

- It's true.
- Yeah, I know.

Not what I thought
you were gonna say.

You're uncoordinated.

You're not a college graduate,
you've never been to Europe,

and your car
really is a shitbox.

- That's good.
- You were right.

I did ask you out

because I thought you'd be
safe and I wouldn't get hurt.

And, yes, I lied to my parents

because I was worried
what they'd think.

I'm sorry.

But I'm here to tell you that I don't
care if you want to be a pilot,

a TSA agent or shovel
elephant shit at the circus.

Because I missed you.

And I just want us
to be together.

- Jesus...
- You really having to think about this?

- Shut up, Patty.
- You shut up!

I don't remember what the
specific question was, but, uh...

- I do.
- You do?

- I will.
- You will?

I missed you.

Guys, this is...

It's a tale as old as time,
you know? Song as old as rhyme.

(WHISPERING) Think she's
still not wearin' underwear?

- Just stop it.
- I heard you.

♪ (JAMES MORRISON'S "UNDISCOVERED") ♪

(MOLLY) Seriously,
tell me where we're going!

- (KIRK) Nope.
- Why won't you tell me?

You won't show me the tickets.
I'm gonna find out.

- Just trust me, okay?
- Oh, you're so annoying!

Ah, thar she blows!

♪ You bite your tongue
You don't know why ♪

Okay, that is not
nearly big enough.

♪ But in my head
I'm close to you ♪

♪ We're in the rain
still searching for the sun ♪

- What the hell are you doing?
- (CHUCKLING)

I've been taking
a few lessons lately.

- That's what you've been up to?
- Yep.

Oh, I should ask you, did you
pack your bags yourself?

- Yes, I did.
- All right, good.

Everything seems to be in order.
You ever been to San Francisco?

- Yes.
- Good, 'cause we're going to Cleveland.

(KIRK) Pittsburgh tower,
November-five-four-five-Charlie-Papa,

requesting takeoff clearance
on runway two-niner.

(MAN) Five-Charlie-Papa,
you are cleared for takeoff.

♪ I'm not lost
I'm not lost ♪

♪ Just undiscovered ♪

♪ And when we're alone we are
all the same as each other ♪

♪ You see the look
that's on my face ♪

♪ You might think
that I'm out of place ♪

♪ I'm not lost, no, no ♪

♪ Just undiscovered ♪

♪ I'm not running ♪

♪ I'm not hiding ♪

♪ If you dig a little deeper
you will find me ♪

♪ I'm not lost
Not lost ♪

♪ Undiscovered ♪

♪ And when we're alone we're
all the same as each other ♪

♪ No, we're the same ♪

♪ You see the look
that's on my face ♪

♪ You might think
that I'm out of place ♪

♪ I'm not lost, no, no ♪

♪ Undiscovered ♪

♪ Not lost
Not lost ♪

♪ Just undiscovered ♪

♪ Don't you know
that's what we all are ♪

♪ We're the same
as each other ♪

♪ We all
We're the same ♪

♪ You see the look
that's on my face ♪

♪ You might think
that I'm out of place ♪

♪ I'm not lost, no ♪

♪ Just undiscovered ♪