All language subtitles for [SubtitleTools.com] 2001_Maniacs_Field_of_Screams_2010_UNRATED_DVDRip_XVID-lOVE_srt

1864, Aprll 22nd.

I remember that day
llke It was yesterday.

A renegade troop
of Northern soldlers

fought In the so called
Clvll War,

raped our women,
murdered our chlldren,

even took out
my goddamn eyel

I can stlll hear
Granny's crles

as they burnt Pleasant
Valley to the ground.

They kllled us all,

doomed us
to a llfe In llmbo.

Nothlng more
than ghosts seeklng revenge.

Guess that's the way
the good Lord wants It.

Eye for eye, tooth for tooth,

as the Old Testament says.

One thlng's for certaln,

our souls aln't
ever gonna flnd rest

'tll all 2001 are avenged I

Yes, slr, name's Buckman.
Mayor James W. Buckman.

And here In Pleasant Valley,

the annlversary of our
traglc massacre has arrlved.

And so have we.

Knlves have been
sharpened for justlce,

table set for revenge.

We try to make sport of It
for the llttle ones.

No reason vengeance
can't be fun.

Only thlng mlsslng
are the Yanks.

And so, yet agaln,

we walt.

M ust admlt Granny's been
deeply loyal through the decades.

J ust aln't Into rubblng
ankles wlth her no more.

Last tlme we dld,
I popped my son.

Fllthy scum.

I think that's
them coming now.

What in the blazes-?

Yee-haw I

Come on.

# The South's
Gonna rise again

# The South's
Gonna rlse agaln #

Yeah I Yee-haw I

# The South's
Gonna rlse agaln #

You aln't gonna
llke thls none, Daddy.

Sheriff Freeman here, done
tore down the detour sign

Will you please?

# Yeah I #

Damn!

What seems to be the problem
here, my good Sheriff Freeman?

The problem, my good man, is every
spring I get calls from State police

after your's llttle festlval,
looklng for mlsslng Northern folk.

U p 'tll now, I've played
ball wlth ya'll,

but now I've got Ben
sniffing around my butt.

"You've played ball, " because we've
paid you quite a generous bounty

for your stewardship, ain't
that right, sweet cream?

You dldn't mlnd me when you was
a cub scout, dld you llttle Davy?

No, ma'am.

You wouldn't be pretending
you can resist me?

No, ma'am.

That's what I thought.

Look, milk or no milk, I ain't dropping
the soap in prison for none of ya'.

Ain't gonna be
no more jamborees.

No more feastln',
no more klllln'.

None of it!
Is that clear?

Clear as
a nighttime kiss,

on a young
possum's cooch.

This town used to be a jeweI
on the crown of the South.

You maniacs squeezed it into a turd.

Now hush up, you big baby,
you're ruining all the fun.

Amen, Harper. Such Ingratltude
brlngs a tear to my eye

when I think of all the hard work
that went into making this thrill ride.

Am I
right, folks?

Yeah!

Damn you
and your thrill ride.

Well if that's how you feeI I'll
have to tickle you on the way down.

Hold on a minute,
wait a minute ya'II.

Come on.

Hold on.

We'll make a deaI.

No!

No deaI? No.

Fuck you and your maniacs!

Wait, wait a minute.

Bye-bye.

No. No!

Okay, folks,
what time is it?

Roll out the barreI!

The what?

Roll out the barreI!

I'm- I'm sorry,
I can't hear you.

Kill that mother fucker!

You got it! One,

two,

three!

Ugh I

Bullseye!

Ooh!

Oh! Let's hear some
of that 'oI death rattle!

I'll see you
in hell, Buckman.

We're already there.

Ugh!

# Rot in hell
Rot in hell #

Ah, well, Bucky,

if the Northern folk
won't come to the South-

Well, we'll bring
the South to them!

Rlght there on the road,

don't forget to check
the backseat.

Next week on Road Rascals

the Old South gets
a taste of Beverly Hllls,

as Amerlca's favorlte debutantes Rome
and Tlna Sheraton, head to Georgla.

Watch out,
red states.

'Cause we're
coming your way.

I hear the South
smells llke shlt.

Isn't the Llberty
Bell In Georgla?

I hear they have these bugs there,
called chiggers, that sleep in your puss.

Those Mexican cleaning ladies
better not bitch us out.

My sister has got to
ditch that icky dead dog,

yeah it was sad when Biscuit died
but then Rome got it taxidermed.

I cannot stand my
sister's boyfriend, Falcon.

He's so gay. Hello?

Tina's, not for sure,
but, you know,

it's not like we're
married or anything, so.

Yo, yo, yo, what plays in
Georgia, stays in Georgia.

J ust don't tell Rome.
Right, bro?

All thls and more,
next week on Road Rascals.

So, that's the promo.

N ice.

Don't you
just love it?

Absolutely. Red
state, blue state,

Rome and Tlna Sheraton,

the wlng of the left flylng deep
Into the heart of the rlghts.

I thlnk we're talklng
Golden Globe on thls one.

Why so
shortsighted, Jerry,

I mean, why not Pulltzer, or the Nobel?

What could posslbly
be more prlze wlnnlng

than these two jiggling their
tits across the heartland?

BristoI, please.

Well, I know Mommy's
little Biscuit loved it.

Didn't she?

Mommy's llttle Blscult
doesn't love anythlng any more,

wlll you bury that already.
It fuckln' stlnks.

Why do you have to be
such a goddamn tool, K-Jay?

I'm not the one smacklng
a stuffed corpse.

Tina.

Falcon.

Stop bagging
on the rat.

Ow! I mean, K, can't you show
Biscuit just a little respect?

Bro, who's on the fucklng
leash? You or the bag of sawdust?

Look, dude. I kiss her
ass, she makes me famous.

Fucking cheapskates put some damn
curtain like I'm the fucking hired help.

Where the fuck
are we anyway?

Iowa? What
the fuck Is In Iowa?

I shouldn't have
let you drive.

Will you get off
your rag already?

How many times
do I have to tell you?

Momma wants a hard shell taco when
all you got is a soggy chlngadera.

Shut up, baby.

I got a hard shell taco. You need
to supersize it. Now back to work.

Come on, come on.
There you go.

Now shut the fuck up
and suck it.

Yes, yes, yes, I can see. I can see It.

I see a new
moon rlslng.

Excuse mel I've had
enough of thls shlt I

I know you
and these asses

like to do whatever you
want down Rodeo drive,

but here,
I'm the producerl

I'm the bossl There'll
be no party, no drugs,

and no sex!

Do you think you can put that no
sex clause in Jerry's contract?

There's no respect, I'm the fucklng
drlver, the productlon asslstant,

I'm the fucking caterer

the fucking-
Fuck, fuck, baby.

We're full tlme party glrls,
Val. Okay? It's what we do.

And it's like, you don't
want us doing what we do.

Yeah, llke maklng me wear
pantles to the Saturn A wards,

or not letting Rome shave her head.

Girls, girls, it's not
about wearing panties

or shaving
your puss- Head,

It's about not lettlng these
parasltlc boyfrlends drag you down.

You gotta evolve
into modern women.

More like modern
rug munchers.

Shit- U h-

U h, uh, Madre de Dlosl Madre de Dlosl

Damn I

What happened?

Get off of mel

What the fuck
is wrong with you, Jezus?

It's "Jesus", puta, and I
hit a fucking detour sign.

I n the middle
of the road?

Yeah.

How much is this
gonna cost me, Jesus?

Knowing your cheap ass, you probably
didn't even insure this piece of shit,

so I just made you
some money, bruja.

Look, they spelled it
the French way.

Where the fuck
are we anyway?

Iowa.

How the fuck
did we get to Iowa?

Sorry, I was a little bit distracted.

Hey, we could
always camp out.

You know, get the glrls In thongs,

roasting marshmallows,

It would make
for some great footage.

H m, I don't thlnk so. Thls
place looks way too creepy.

Yeah, It makes
Blscult's halr stand up.

That would be
the Formaldehyde, babe.

Dude, respect.

For once, I agree wlth the
debutantes. Let's just get out of here.

I hate to Interrupt
the productlon meetlng

but I got two busted front
tires and only one spare,

we ain't
going nowhere.

Call Triple A.

Call them yourself,
dlabla rubla.

God! Do I have
to do everything?

There's no signaI.

Que sorpresal

Pleasant dreams, m'Ijosl

What? They spelled it in French.

K- Jay! I said no anaI!

Babe, don't look at me!

U h, I was just checking
the, uh, the battery and-

Come on, babe, let's get some privacy.

That's right, fooI. Get
sticky with yourself.

Oh, yeah, baby! Lower,
lower! Rake the clam!

Is that good?
Is that good?

Rake it. Rake the clam. Rake it!

You like that?

Yeah! Now give us
a nice big smile.

Oh, nightmare.

Tinkle time.

Make that tinkle
for two.

Let's flnlsh
together thls tlme.

One.

Two.

Threel

What the fuck!

Welcome to Pleasant
Vally! H m, sorta.

# Hey, Hey
Yowdy, heydy, aye #

# Great new world
Brand new day #

# Hey, Hey
Yowdy, heydy, aye. #

Whoo-hal

Now let me introduce
myself. Name's Buckman,

George W. Buckman, and
ya'll arrived just in time

to be our speclal guests at the
Pleasant Valley Travellng Jamboreel

You clowns
for reaI?

As reaI as
it gets, macho.

That's rlght. Now, uh,
back In our hometown

of dear 'oI Pleasant
Valley, Georgia,

every year about thls tlme-

Whoa.

What the hell Is that?

Why, that's
my pooch box.

Pooch box?

Scarlet Red means
log box, gentlemen,

come her 18th birthday I
may present her with the key.

She's very progresslve.

Oh, you good at licking rock, Hollywood?

Hell, I'll llck
your rock sllly, babe.

China Rose
is trying to say

" Picking locks?
My lock. "

I can pick locks.

When I was a kid, I broke into a shul,

and the Shammes caught
me lifting a challah.

Holy Moly I Folks,
we got ourselves a Hebrew I

That's "Jew"
to you, ColoneI.

Jew, Hebrew, Chrlst-klller,
It's all the same In Spaln.

That reminds me,

what's the difference between
an Israeli and an Israelite?

About 100 calories.

Moving right
along, folks.

Every year, down in
Georgia, we put on a show-

Wait a minute.
Did you say Georgia?

Why, yeah, ma'am,
our proud sovern state.

Do you think we could cheat
this locaI for Georgia?

For the rlght prlce,
I can play Laguna Beach

for the Golan Heights.

What's all
the whlsperlng about?

U h, Mayor Buckman.
Turner, VaI Tuner.

Producer.

Oh.

Well, I do thlnk we
shall joln your jamboree.

Well, that's great newsl

H it it, Crow!

# Hot games and feastin'
Yeah! #

Ew.

Ugh.

# Hot games and feastln'
Yeah I

# Hot games and feastln'
Yeah I #

Christ on a cracker, boys.

After all
these 140 odd years,

sometlmes, I thlnk
we should just,

burn the whole goddamn
North in one giant bonfire!

Ah, but,
what's the style In that?

One shot discharge-

None, Captaln my Captaln.
None at all.

You're damn
rlght, Harper,

besldes, It goes
agalnst tradltlon,

and qulte frankly, tradltlon
Is about all we got left.

The network
is gonna love this,

a bunch
of redneck outsiders

who thought the South won the CiviI War.

They didn't?

No, Tina,
they didn't.

Duh, that's rlght.
It was the Nazls.

Anyway, while our
sister act pretties up...

Jesus, you and Jerry

go and do some scouting. See if you
can find some indigenous locations here.

You do know what
"indigenous" means, right?

Hey, VaI, why don't you, me and BristoI

do some Intervlews
wlth the hlcks?

You know, put
a face to the place.

If you don't mind, I'd rather
go with Jesus and Cherry.

What? You got a thing for this cholo?

What's that? You want me
to give you a second briss?

Chill out, Jay.

Look, I'll
carry your shit,

you just go show
her a good tlme.

Make sure you save enough
sugar for Black Cherry.

CooI?

CooI.

Whatever.

Come on, get over It,
Jerry. Come on, come on.

If we nall thls, the network
Is gonna be talklng spln offs,

pay per view
blue ray box set.

If these fine folks of
Pleasant Valley play ball,

this gig
will never end!

I know I speak
for us all, sir,

when I say I'm proud to
be among the chosen few

here wlth you, In the chance
locatlon of the troubles.

Well, God
bless you Harper.

You know, you're riggin' a goddamn
Mark Twain with you poetizing.

You have earned your spot
on the bus. Ya'll did!

Even JezebeI, too, Daddy?

Yeah, JezebeI, too.

Except she earned her spot in
the section called " Provisions"!

You don't mean
you're gonna harm-

I mean that stuffed
piece of lamb is gonna be

on my dlnlng room table
next to some mlnt jelly

and a good bottle
of M uscateI

unless you boys go out there
and get me some Yankers quick!

Now skidaddle!

And make me proud.

Or something like it.

So when's
your C D dropping?

End of summer.

Excuse me, your C D?
What happened to our C D?

We can't do everythlng
together Romy,

besides, it's music,
not a basketball team.

Yeah, the labeI wants me to record, too.

EM O meets
death metaI.

Ha! Ballads
with balls.

Yo, yo, yo.
Check out Abder,

macklng on my boy's
dlll plckle.

Dude, I ever tell you about the
time I totally fucked my baby sitter?

Bro, I thought you said your
uncle was your baby sitter.

Never mind.

So what's a hottle llke you
dolng wlth a llmp dlck llke Jerry?

Ever hear of the dumb blond that slept
with the writer to get ahead in Hollywood?

Guess that was me.

Oh, baby, you're no dumb
blond, you're just misinformed.

See, it's not the writers or directors
that get you ahead, it's the teamsters.

You stick with me,
I'll hook you up.

Yeah, I've never heard that one before.

Bitch, I ain't
playing you.

Oh, yeah? So who are you
gonna hook me up with?

For one, a bunch of buddies got
this indie hard thing going on.

See, horror has its hell
these days, you know?

I would love to get
killed in a horror flick.

I bet you would and I
bet you'd look good, too

all naked and covered
in blood and shit.

Damn.

Yo, ladies.

It seems like
a job for a homie.

Oh, Yankee
suckee dickee?

I said "homie, "
not "homo. "

Give me
that thing.

Now that a gentleman
has eased our burden

we can finally
commence to practice.

U h, excuse me ladies, but we were
in the middle of a conversation here.

Madre de Dlos.

U h, Jesus,
remember me?

Brlstol, horror movles,
covered In blood?

Naked?

Ugh.

Madre de Dios.
Definitely more tongue.

Are you getting this?
You are perfect, Granny.

Sure you got
a tight shot?

Yeah, I got it.

Let's start
shootlng, come on.

Am I good?
My rouge looks good?

You're beautlful.

I want you to really-
Okay, and actlon I

Our native
American friends-

All rlght. Cut. Cut I

Excuse me, but-

I'll excuse me,
but I'm the dlrector

and I'm the one
who calls "Cut. "

I write
the checks, okay?

All right, the
structures aren't working.

Let me think. Granny,
profile. Give me a profile.

I got two.

Other profile.
Face this way.

All right, just
go with it. Action!

Our native American friends
taught us the many uses of maize.

You can boiI it,
you can pop it,

and ladies, trust me,

with a little pig butter-

this corn cob makes one
hell of a nighttime buddy.

Lookle-Loo, Jezzle,
a fallen soldlerette.

Snlff her out, glrl,
check her vltals.

Yo, get that beast
away from her.

That beast is my
lady friend, senor.

And If you are habla
Ingles you'd understand

she's telllng you to
go call on M r. Harper.

M r. Harper?

Alexander Harper, honey. He our
veterinarian, he fix chicken and such.

Oh, he does people, too.

I want some, so pig
knuckle on the Chinaman.

Hey I

Yo, you mlnd?

The name's
H ucklebilly, dumb ass.

And I don't mind at all.

You like what
you see, little man?

My, my, my,
the South is rising.

Dang! It must've
gotten stung by a bee.

I'm all swelled up
down there.

Don't you have
some cotton to pick?

Some shit to shoveI?

My chores are done.
It's playtlme now.

Why are you
stampeding me?

Get your paws off me
you damned dlrty yanks.

We'll give you
a lesson, H ucklefuck.

H ucklebilly,
ass clown.

The way thlngs look down there you
two mlght wanna get yourself stung.

Party poopers!

Hello?

Yo, anybody here?

Looks like the little lady
can use my help, Santiago.

It's "Jesus. "

And no shit, Sherlock, she had
an accident, she bumped her head.

Give me that iron.
The one on the table.

You know,
If you llke son,

I can also help you wlth
that speech Impedlment.

Yo, Dracula,
it's called an accent.

The good doctor
needs his quiet, dude,

I suggest
you joln the others.

Go on, boy, go on.

J ust make sure you fix her good,
I don't want nobody suing me.

No need to worry,
we'll brlng her round.

When she's done.

Whatever, ojete.
Knock yourselves out.

Oh, you can
crack corn on that.

Agh I

The secret
to Southern home cooking

is you never ever tenderize
without loving your blade.

I love you.

Treat your meat
as you would an old friend.

Ha! Come on in. Agh!

Or an enemy.

Or your friends and enemies!

Agh!

Agh! Agh!

It's dinner time!

It's dlnner tlmel Come
eat your goddamn dlnner.

It's dlnner tlmel

What you dolng
now, Rufus?

I'm making myself
a Jesus chicken.

Oh, Christ.

Cut.

Clamp. Clamp.

Wrlst clamp.
Wrlst clamp.

Pig's snout.

Plg's snout.

What the fuck
Is golng on here?

Well, you got
yourself a boo-boo.

When our livestock gets a boo-boo
we take 'em back and shoot 'em.

Please let me go, please.

You don't have to worry none,
honey. We ain't gonna shoot ya.

That would be
way too boring.

Ah!

Ah, just what
the doctor ordered.

No, please. I'm a good
girI, I'll do anything.

Thls llttle plggy went to market.
And thls llttle plggy's stayed home.

And this little piggy
went whoo whoo whoo.

La, la, la.
All the way home!

Guess who?

You know what Granny told you
about coming in here like this.

Aw, the heck
with her, Jemima!

My passion for you
is stronger than candy.

It's hotter
than corn bread.

It's sweeter
than watermelon.

H m. Remember the first time
you crept into my stable,

told me how things
were gonna be,

I'd be
your tar baby,

I'd do
whatever you like,

no matter how dirty, or nasty
or forbidden it might be?

I am your
lord and master.

Are you really? Are
you really in charge?

U h,

Are you really? Are
you really in charge?

I thlnk so.

I'm gonna lick
you clean, Master.

Ah, Jemlma.

Oh!

Goddammit, Buckman! You
romancing my griddle cakes again?

No, Granny!
No. No.

You're just thinking about your darker
nature, is what you're thinking about.

Go on!

Oh, you race trader,
you chocolate dipping-

Guess who?

Oh, fudge dripping.

H mmm.

Black ebony!

# Do you even know
Who you are? #

# Facebook Superstar #

This is
a very expensive,

very uninsured camera

that my uncle SaI
got me for Passover.

And if it's fucked,
I'm suing somebody's ass.

Probably yours,
I'm just saying.

And I'm saying,
that old hag

was chopping those chickens like
she was Jeffrey freaking Dahmer,

so fuck your camera! I
ain't filming these people.

At least these people are not
afraid of a little hard work.

Klss my black ass, Val.

Bend over, honey,
and I will.

Hey, Bossman, why don't you let
me work the lens, I got experlence.

Last tlme
you worked the lens,

it cost my Daddy half a
mill to buy back the video.

It made
you famous.

No shit, I got my
little bro through juvie.

Ah, look who's here,

so, Jesus,
where's Brlstol?

Oh, she's wlth the
doc, PM S or some shlt.

It's cooI,
he's got a tent.

So let me get thls stralght.
You left Brlstol wlth some, uh,

some white trash doctor and
it's cooI 'cause he's got a tent!

Yeah, I thought you people
were cooI with doctors.

You let them suck the shit out
of your fat asses, don't you?

That's it!
I can't work this way,

I mean, It's bad enough
I don't get per dlem,

now I gotta take insults from
Speedy Gonzalez over here!

I'm flndlng Brlstol
and I'm outta here.

You walk, you're in breach.
Then it's your ass getting sued.

Good point.

Chlll out, Schlndler.
I'll go get your glrl.

Oh, no you don't.
Sit down.

You can go. Next scene
up Is Rome and Tlna solo.

H m. Hot.

Walt. You thlnk
two glrls Is hot?

Totally.

All sushi
and no hot dog?

Sure.

No blunt objects, nothlng
you can poke en eye out wlth?

I think two
girls is hot.

What?

Fuck.

# A shy Southern belle #

# A proud,
Confederate gentleman #

# Now they're
Lost in hell #

# This love once heaven #

Ugh.

There are
some desires

that even death cannot remove,
wouldn't you agree, Buckman?

Oh, yeah, like revenge.

I'm not talking
about killin'.

I'm talking about lovin'.

Because that's always the
thirst before the slaughter

that gets
the temperature risin'.

Oh, yeah.

Well, thank God we got
that lovely M ilk Maiden.

Screw our lovely
M ilk Maiden!

And I'm sure you are,
you son of a bitch!

Hey, Granny,
what's cookin'?

H uck?

Buck.

Fuck.

That's what
I'm trying to do!

Ugh.

It's stroke left,
then right,

and you mlght
wanna blow In her rear.

That really gets
Jezzie's juices flowing.

No way, same
with my baby.

Yes, ma'am.
You know it.

It gets them wet.

Like a bog
or a bayou.

Hey, how about next, you let Jezebel
glve Blscult a llttle pony rlde?

Yeah I hear sawdust and
sawdust Is a real turn on.

What kind of doggie
biscuit is this?

Put him
down, now.

It's a him?
How can you tell?

Now!

Falcon, do something.

Hey, be gentle
with that, okay?

I can be gentle.

God dang
sodomites.

Doo, doo, doo.

H m.

H m.

H m.

Ugh!

Now this right
here is unholy.

I'm too sober
for this shit.

You think M iss
Bossman will miss us?

Oh, M iss Bossman's too
lost to worry about us.

H m-hm.

H m.

I wonder what type of J
these freaks are smoklng.

They stay in character
like this all day?

10 to 1 It's
as flne as mlne.

Para tl. Para ml.

Come on, baby,
let me fuego.

Yo, where'd
everybody go?

Where's the party at?

Soldler blue.

Soldier Blue? What the
fuck's a Soldier Blue?

PearI? I'll give you
a pearI necklace.

Soldler blue.

Oh! Here's where
the party's at.

Hello? Ladies?

Oh, you girls wanna
play hide and seek?

K- Jay loves
hide and seek.

Soldler blue.

Want to sllp
Into somethlng more-

Comfortable?

Why are we
dolng thls agaln?

Look, I told you
it's representationaI.

The eplc struggle between
the North and the South.

Brother against brother,
sister against sister.

Good against eviI!

J ust take her top off.

I'm too fucklng stoned
to undo all thls shlt.

Take them off.
Shut up.

I need to get out
of this place.

I do too, baby,
we just got here.

Dld you blow your nose on me? You
got some fucklng mocos In there?

No, shut up.

Green-nosed goblins.

I feel llke I'm back In the
sweatshop In Teguclgalpa.

She's totally a Lesblan
and won't fucklng admlt It.

My name is VaI
and I am a Lesbian.

Will you please reprogram
me with your Mexican wiener?

Take off
my bandanna, baby.

U h?

Are you ready to put on our
fucking Confederate clothing?

To join
these assholes?

Dld you
hear somethlng?

I did.
What was that?

Now we get down
to buslness, Soldler Blue.

Flve dollar,
I make you holler.

Whatever you like
I do for you.

How about 20
for plenty?

Okay.

Oh.

So glad you could join us for your
complimentary old time photograph.

You're gonna take
pictures of this shit?

We llke to capture the true
essence of our "jamboree. "

Hey, I'm down.
J ust keep it off the net.

U h-uh-uh.

Don't you move, boy.
We need you sittin' still.

Lest they come
out blurry. Ooh!

Fuck me like you're gonna
get your green card, baby.

Emancipate me, baby.
Emancipate me!

Faster, you Mexican
jumping bean!

Darn ya', Oprah, you grunt
louder than a churchyard chicken.

Well, nlce and tlght,
Mlss Scarlet.

N ice and tight
and hard and firm.

Exactly how I like it.

Oh I I'll bet you do, son.
I'll bet you do.

Well, Granny,

it looks like our honored
guest is ready for his closeup.

Walt, dude, I don't wanna
have my plcture taken anymore.

Want has nothing to
do with it, M r. K-Jay.

That's rlght, boy.
I am sure,

that these fine Southern gentlemen
didn't want their portraits taken neither.

I am sure that they did
not want to be in this war,

and I am
especlally sure

that they did not want
their family and houses

burnt to the ground
by you Northern heathensl

Whoa! " Northern heathen?"
Dude, I'm from Burbank.

That's where
the devll llves.

Bye-bye.

Say cheese!

Oh I

Good boy I

Smoklng I

Oh!

Puker!

Dang It, Granny.

He didn't smile.

Oh, well.

# Yankee Doodle went to town
To bone hlmself a hottle #

Amen, brother.

# Stuck hls feather
I n her cooch #

# like fresh baked manicotti #

Hell, yeah. Fresh baked.

What's your name?

It's H ucklebilly, dumb ass.
What's my name?

H ucklebilly, dumb ass.

Typlcal I I'm out there,
sweatlng my ass off,

and the two of you
are sitting here,

getting this mentally
ill child stoned.

Shut the fuck up, retard!

It's H ucklebilly, M ister.

I promlse, I'll
just fllm It, no web.

So anyone know whether
Jackass ever found Brlstol?

Hate to brlng
It to you, Moses,

he's probably off plowing
BristoI in some corn field by now.

Excuse me, that's Rome's
boyfriend you're talking about.

Yeah, man, don't be a hater.

Suck my salty
Salvadorlan sack.

You'd probably like that. You
little twisted reality show wannabe.

Enough I Look, Jesus,

unless you want to crash the unemployment
line like the rest of your famllla,

I suggest you get
this tin can moving!

As soon as we get what we
want from these rednecks

we'll get the hell out of
this fucking two-bit shit hole!

Come on!

All right.
I hear you, boss.

I can scam
one of them tires

off that old schooI bus
those freaks got

Whatever It takes.

I wouldn't advlse
that, my frlends.

Some folks
around here

just might be inclined to
define that as stealing.

Stealing is
a sin.

I wasn't gonna
steal nothlng, abuellta.

I said "borrow. "

I guess borrowing is okay.
That ain't stealing.

Maybe we can help
you out with the tire.

But first-

Yee-haw I

I'll tell ya', Granny,
that dlsplay of majesty

makes this ColoneI
weak in the knees

and full
in the groin.

Ugh!

Bucky, I ain't
begging no more.

It's tlme you dlscharge your
musket, Confederate style.

Madam, lead me
to my executlon.

Yee-haw I

You'd better be getting all this.

This is money
in the bank.

Solld gold.

Oh!
Buck-man. Buck-man.

Buck-man. Buck-man.

Candy apples.

Buck. Buck. Buck.

Candy apples?

Yee-haw!

How do you like
these candy apples?

Them aln't real.
Them's plastlc.

Probably got
worms in it, too.

My mighty sword!
My mighty sword!

My mlghty sword I

Crow! Crow! Crow!

Crow?

Crow?

Buck?

Oh,

too much dark meat,
bitch!

Ah!

Now, for our
next demonstration,

we're gonna need
another volunteer.

Oh, oh, oh I

Ugh.

You boy, with the smiling
eyes, you'll do fine.

Yes!

M ighty fine.

Come on up
now, boy.

I ain't got
eternity. Come on.

Don't mind
the darkness none.

You ain't never heard
Helen Keller complain.

Turn around now, boy.
Step on rlght up on here.

Come one. Show everybody
your pretty face.

Now you see him?

U h-

Now you don't!

So, should I keep
the blindfold on, or-

U h, hello?

Hello?

So weird.

Ah, okay.

Hello?

Hello. Is anybody here?

Howdie ho there, boy.

What the fuck?
It hurts.

What kind of man are you, you
can't handle a little arm wrestle?

Shit, Rufus. I knew
you were different.

I knew you
were different.

You see right through me, don't you?

Right through
your heart.

My heart?

Yeah, you know, all my life
I've kept my heart in the closet.

Lately though, my ass keeps poking out.

Whoa! I ain't
queer like that!

But that don't mean you gotta stop.

I don't know.

Maybe you're right.

Listen, this is the
wrong time, wrong place.

I'm dead!

Ain't that the truth.

Ugh. Agh!

Agh!

I'll give you Brokeback.

H m. H m.

# Revenge is sweet When
you're munching On the meat #

# Of a Yankee
Whose doodle is so dandy #

# We don't like to boast #

# But we make a tasty roast #

# Wlth grllllng
We're really pretty handy #

# 'Cause we're cannibals
Cannibals, yes it's true #

# And there's just no way
That you will survive #

# We're cannibals #

# Cannibals, yes it's true #

# And you know we're gonna
Eat you dead or alive #

H it it!

Ah!

Ew.

I clean up pretty
good, don't I?

Without further undue,
I would like to introduce

one mean ass mother fucker
butt kicking son of a bitch.

Yeah!

Buckman!
Yeah!

Go, go,
Buckman, go!

Go, go,
hl, Buckman I

Good evening, one and all! I hope
you're enjoying the show so far.

Can I get a Yee-haw?

Yee-haw I

I wanna tell you, tonlght
we got a show for you

you ain't never gonna forget or
my name ain't George W. Buckman.

I know you've been worrled
about where your compatrlots were

well, we were too, untll we
found them In the medlcal tent,

playing doctor!
Right, boys?

But serlously folks, they're all
back stage wlth your young M r. Falcon

undergoing an extreme makeover
for tonight's grand finale!

But flrst, It glves me
great pleasure to Introduce

Pleasant Valley's
very own Rhett Butler,

M r. Harper Alexander!

Ladles and gentlemen, please
enjoy wlth me as we recreate

not only one of our favorite
moments of the annals of history

but also one of the great
spectator sports, as well.

Any volunteers?

You, sir. You want to
win 50, 000 dollars?

Did you say
50, 000 dollars?

I sure did. 50, 000
Confederate.

Well, In that case-

How you doin'
tonight, Abraham?

It's Jerry.

You sure look like
an Abraham to me.

Why don't you
just take your seat?

Now tonlght, the role
of Mlss Mary Llncoln

wlll be played by Mlss
Marrled Mllk Malden,

and good ol' honest Abe, well,
that'll be you, D. W. Grlfflth.

Go ahead, please.

You're 9 Inches away from
starrlng In my next movle.

Feels more
llke 3 to me.

Now, the game Is
If I mlss, you lose.

U h, I'm not too
sure about this.

Ready?

Oh, come on, time out!

Aim.

Hold on, tlme out.

Walt, walt, walt.

Wait. Time out!

Time out!

Yeah I

Yeah!

Yay I

Aside from that,
M rs. Lincoln,

did you enjoy
the show?

Fuck this shit.

Ah I

Now, now, now that
you're all a llttle groggy

the fresh air otta
take care of that.

We're all here and we're
gonna play a little game,

a llttle game we call the
Revlsltatlon of the troubles.

ApriI 22, 1864,

we were living our lives,
minding our own business,

when the Yankee man came.

When you came! killed us all,
destroyed our way of life.

Hell, we weren't
ready back then,

but thls tlme we are.

War's over, jefe, you fucking
lost, move the fuck on!

Well, that's preclsely
what we alm to do,

muchacho, precisely.

You're telling me you're
with these crackers?

I was with these
crackers when your kind

came condemnlng us all
to the same fate.

"My kind?" What the fuck's
wrong with you, brother?

I'm not your bother.
I'm Southern bred.

And you,
M iss Gutter Mouth,

you'd be Northern scum.

Now, now, Crow.

Remember we're trying
not the use the " N" word.

You're right
on that one.

That's rlght I

Now let's see here, from here to
the road it's a couple of miles,

same dlstance we had to
flee from Pleasant Valley,

now, there's no sport In
shootlng flsh In a barrel.

so we hid some guns
and ammo along the way.

Now, If ya'll can go out there and
flnd them and put up a good flght

why, you're
free to go.

Oh, that is bloody bullocks!

If you don't
let us go now,

I'll have my lawyer slaughter
you before you can say spectrum.

I mean It,
mother fuckerl

Spectrum?

I'm not klddlng I

Nelther are we, Mlss.

I n case you have
any doubt, M iss Maiden.

H m.

K- Jay?

Ma-ma-ma-ma.

Falcon I

Bastards!

Presentatlon. Well,
let the games begln I

Pum, pum, pum.

Glmme that I

Gimme that!

# Bulldlng from
the ground up #

# Starting nowhere #

Did you see what they did to
K- Jay, Biscuit? They killed him.

They fucking
killed Falcon, too.

We were gonna present at the
Teen Dream Awards together.

You were?

# Well, they put us
I n our #

Crying over spilled blood is
not gonna get us outta here,

we gotta find those guns
and cap those mother fuckers.

You're right. You and
Cherry head for the RV.

Fix that damn tire, I'll grab
the girls and find those weapons.

What are you gonna
do if you find them?

I know my way around weapons. My
mother used to be a prison guard.

That explains a lot.

# Again #

Bleed that heathen
good and dry, son.

We could all use
an after dinner tonic.

When do we get
to eat supper, Daddy?

Aln't you done
chewlng on that surfer?

What about me, Daddy? AII I had was
a gristle from Jezzie's hindquarters.

Oh, enough I Stlflel
Go on, glt I

What are you
laughing at, China Rose?

Why don't you do some of that Chlnese
laundry we Imported you here for?

Thls tlme get out the blood stalnsl I
don't want no rlng around the collar.

Your wlsh Is my command, Mayor Luckman,

But remember,
not tickee, no shitee.

Go on, glt I

Well, I see there, Ganny,

looks llke you're favorlng that
dark meat a llttle blt too much.

Maybe if you were a little bit
more black in your stallion,

I wouldn't need to visit the
stable on long lonely nights.

How many Northerners to seek
vengeance on 'tll we can flnally rest?

Well, let's see, uh,

last jamboree I thlnk we
took care of 8 of them.

It's 9 here wlth thls now,

It still only makes
us half way to 2001.

Dang it, does that mean we have to
go through this shit again next year?

Ah, don't complaln.

Oh I My bunlons
are kllllng mel

If I was one of those psychos
where would I hide those weapons?

Kinda like
an Easter egg hunt.

H uh?

Yes.

How old is this piece of shit?
It's fucking rusted together!

Whatever. I'm gonna smoke
and laugh about all this.

Are you fucking
crazy, negra?

Those rednecks think this is
the CiviI War or something.

I always knew the South
was loco, but damn I

Shit!

Are you okay?

Fuck finding a tire. I say we ditch
those bitches and save ourselves.

Let's go.

The Kosher way
to do this is what?

You gotta cut the throat
and let the blood draln.

This Jew boy ain't
got no throat no more.

Well, then, cut
his balls off, I guess.

Yeah, I guess.

Speaklng of balls, I've been
meanlng to mentlon somethlng to you.

I just don't get you.

What?

You know.
Your taste.

Explaln me thls, brother.

You, brother, spend your time on
some soft girlie girI like JezebeI.

Gosslplng, shopplng
and settln' up house.

I, on the other hand,
like to hang a reaI man,

practicing,
soldiering,

and wrestling.
And my taste?

You tell me, brother, who's really
on the side of the Lord here?

You gotta be fucking
with me. This easy?

I guess not.
No ammo.

You're klddlng me.

Fuck this cracker,
VaI, let's go.

Slnce our llves
are serlously at stake,

there's something
I have to ask you.

Go ahead, babe.

If they find us
dead here

our bodies naked on display
for the whole world to see-

You mean like
in your video?

I'm being
serious, Tina.

Flne. Splll It.

All right. I'm just
gonna come out and say it.

Do my thighs
look fat?

Oh, my God I
Rome, a gun I

You thlnk It's real?

Ah I Tlttlesl

Ugh!

Looks reaI.

Fuck, we're goin'
around in circles.

I don't get it, Jay.

That's it.
Let's split up.

I don't wanna
split up. M m-hm.

Look-

If one of us gets away
we're both saved, right?

You know I'll
come back with help.

I guess
you're right.

Of course
I'm right, baby.

You go that way,
I'll go this way,

one of us is gonna
find the road.

Okay, but be safe.

You know I will.

What about a gun?
Don't I need one, too?

Well, at least
we found a gun.

Should I say
thank you for that?

It was an accldent,
Val. God I

Do you always have to rag
on us, we have feelings, too.

Yeah, like we didn't feeI bad
when the avalanche hit New Orleans.

Okey-dokey,
now. One.

Oh, no, you
girls despise me.

Why can't you see me
like I see you?

Threel

Oops.

Agh!

Ah I

Oh my God!

You stupid little fake tittied,
no talented, trust fund sluts!

J ust fuck off!

But you stepped on Biscuit!

Can I make
myself any clearer?

J ust go!

J ust walt 'tll the network
hears about thlsl

Yeah, we would never
fuck you anyway.

Yeah!

Ugh!

Yoo-hoo.

U h, uh, uh.

What the fuck?

Looking for
the U nderground Railroad?

Hey, Granny.

Do you think the Mayor would mind if
we kept that beaner boy to ourselves?

I don't know, sweetie. I'd rather
kill him than fuck him any day.

Sh, sh, sh.

Do you
hear something?

No.

# Rock a-bye baby,
On the tree top #

# When the wind blows #

# The cradle will rock #

# When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall #

# And down wlll come baby #

# Cradle and all I #

I always knew
those little cunts

would be the end of me.

Blscult's really
dead meat, huh?

Yes, sweetie.
She really is.

We're dead meat,
too, aren't we?

No, Romy, we're gonna be okay. Trust me.

That's what you said the time
we got crabs tag teaming K-Jay.

Whoopsle-dalsy I

Oh.

I thought the Mayor
sald kllllng Mexlcans

dldn't count
towards the total.

No, they don't deary.

They aln't North, they
aln't South, they just aln't.

But there's nothlng wrong
wlth a llttle sport kllllng.

So long as it puts
food on the table.

It must've
been a squlrrel.

Come on along, now.

Peekaboo.

Ah!

Can't you Northern folks
do nothing right?

Tonlght at dlnner,
yet agaln,

caught Granny picking
a little too tenderly

on a dark part
of her brisket.

Got anything
to say about that, boy?

Ugh!

I ain't
nobody's boy.

Not even yours.

Maybe so, Crow.

Would it be too hard just
to, uh, stick to your chores?

Ah!

I do stick
to my chores,

as much as I find
them distastefuI,

And whlch one of you are too
tlred from ploughlng the flelds,

or splitting
the wood,

you can't
deny that.

Tell me, Is there one amongst ya',

one, amongst ya'

willing to hit it when
there's blood on the conch?

Well, I know
how to plow.

and I know
how to split,

but you sure have some
very satlsfled bltches

in your Pleasant Valley,
thank you very much.

Man's got a point.

Shoot, Daddy, I thlnk I
made the rope too long.

You stupld ass
whlte mother fuckers

you just wait untiI Al Sharpton
gets a wind of this shit.

I'll own everything
in this albino circus.

I ncluding that fake ass, dumb
ass, stuffed mother fucking sheep?

Yeah? When
pigs fly.

And the fat
lady sings.

And there's a black
man in the White House.

Where the fuck have you
mother fuckers been at?

Down South!

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Fools them every time!

Yee-haw!

Relax.

Everything's gonna
be just fine.

There's nobody here
but us ladles.

Please help me.
Please, help me. Please.

You gotta
help me, please.

Folks like my kin,

they can't fathom
the modern woman.

They wanna keep us
all caged up.

Cage our bodies,

our passions-

That's right, momma!

Oh, no, no.

I hear there's
a cherry in the center.

Ah!

Ugh!

H m. Clder red, always
makes my plnk wet.

Oh, my God, Tina.

We're back
to where we started.

Please, just
go away!

Ah!

Spread the red.

I'm cold.

Get the bus, Let's take it outta here.

You try to start it,
I'll stand guard.

Okay.

Jesuz!

It's "Jesus", bitch.

Agh!

Why Isn't It worklng?

Shut up, babe. Got some shlt under here.

Try the key!

Llke thls?

Anything?

Nope. Nada.

I am I dolng
thls rlght?

Can't you hot
wire this thing?

Yo, bitch, I went to
film schooI, not prison.

U h-oh.

Oh, shlt.

Do you think
they're mad at us?

We offered
them entertainment,

sport, a chance to redeem
some sense of honor,

for the atrocities
committed by their ancestors.

And they play along
by running away.

Oh, you wanna play?

Fuck, I'll play!

Gentleman to gentleman?

Yeah, If that's
what you call yourself.

Bring it on!

Charge!

Go on, Tlnal Gol
Make It start I

Gol

I can't I

Tlna, come on I

Come on I

Oh, start I

Come on!

Do your best
ColoneI Cracker.

Yeah.
Come on.

Oh, my God!

Get off me!

J ust walt I

Fuckl

H urry I

I was gonna let you go, seeing your
kind don't count towards the totaI.

Brown or white,
you're a yank to me.

Ugh I

Ah!

Go!

Go englne, gol
Go, start I

Agh!

Brown or white beats
your one-eyed freak show.

Ah I

Oh, now we're playing.

[Ah!

Yankee scum! Ah!

Go, Tina, go!

Gol

Walt, Romy, It's
Jesus, he'll save usl

Can you fix it?

Go ahead,
try It now.

Come on, come on I Start I

Start I Why won't you start?

It's turnlng I

Come on, Jesus.
Get on the busl

Gol Gol

Puta, what the fuck
are you waltlng for?

Hey, Two-Eyes.
Suck my Dlxle.

Agh!

Whoo-whee!

shall rest 'tll
all obey.

Don't turn it off,
you stupid bitch!

But it just
killed Jesus!

Let's finish this.

Oh! Ah!

Fuckl

Keys. Please.

Fuck you.

Turn It on I

Come here.

Go!

Ah!

I'm going!

Tina, go!

Rome, I'm going!
I'm going!

Ugh!

Get us outta here!

J ust go.

It's over, Romy.
It's over.

I can't believe I've ever decided
to make this crap show with you!

You're so fucking
annoying! You're so wrong!

Fuck you, bitch!

You know what? I killed
your fucking beloved Biscuit!

Really? Well, I'm the one
who snorted your 8-ball.

Fucklng bltch I

Cunt!

Damn Yankees.

Now what,
Bucky?

H m. Ah!

Rufus, is this
contraption working?

It's 12-4, Daddy.

Howdy, folks!
George W. Buckman here,

inviting you to come to the
Pleasant Valley Traveling Jamboree!

We got it all folks,

we got slngln',
we got dancln',

we got games,

U h, I'm not too
sure about this.

But most of all we got some
real nlce mouthwaterlng Barbecue.

Does that mean we have to go
through this shit again next year?

[Buckman ) Don't forget
to brlng the klds,

especlally the chubby ones,
portly always gets In for free.

J ust look for the detour
slgn off the maln road.

We'll be waltlng. So come on down
and get a taste of the old South.

And let the old South
get a taste of you.

Come on, Granny,
keep pushlng.

Oh, oh, oh.

Keep pushlng.

I am pushing, you morons.

Breathel

I think I see
something coming.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh!

Come on, Granny,
keep pushing.

Ma-ma-ma.

I see it's
here coming.

Ugh.

It's a-

What is it?

A negro?