All language subtitles for Brassic.S02E02.Episode.2.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track4_[eng]

[brakes squeal softly]

Where's the weed shed?

Underground.

Show me.

[sniffs]

And you've been living down here,
have you? Since you died.

- Mr McCann.
- [shushes]

Have a seat.

You're wondering
what I'm gonna do to you, right?

Yeah.

That thought had flipped through me mind.

I see you in me, Vinnie.

In what way?

No, Christ. Not that way, no.

What I mean is…

I see some of you inside me.

- Mmm…
- Fucking hell.

I started out with nothing.

Scrapped my way up through guile, cunning.

And I respect people who do the same.

So if you can do all this…

and fake your own funeral,

you're a man I can use.

So, this is my proposition.

I'll pay the cash
and all this doubles, trebles, quadruples.

You'll need more space.
You run it, but I own it.

Our weed empire.

And if I should ever need a thief

or something that requires
your unique skills,

I will call and you will assist.

Do we have ourselves a deal?

Can, can I stop worrying
you're going to cut my dick off?

Consider it safe in my hands.

[chuckles softly]

But nobody fucks with me twice, Vinnie.

- Deal?
- Yeah, deal.

Get yourself cleaned up.
You can't work for me looking like shit.

I think this calls for a drink.

Oh, er, no, that's er…

- It's piss.
- Hmm.

Where are you shitting?

["Money" (That's What I Want) playing]

[tyres screech]

[horn toots]

♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪
- ♪ That's what I want ♪

- ♪ That's what I want ♪
- ♪ That's what I want ♪

[button clicks]

[overlapping radio stations]

["I'm Alive" plays on car stereo]

Hey-hey!

- Hey, Vin, are you all right?
- Hey!

- Hey, Vinnie!
- You all right?

[brass band plays intro]

♪ I'm alive! ♪

♪ And I'm seeing things
Mighty clear today ♪

♪ I'm alive ♪

♪ I'm alive ♪

♪ And I'm sitting here yelling
And doing my thing ♪

♪ I'm alive ♪

♪ And I'm real ♪

♪ I can breathe and touch
And see and feel ♪

♪ I'm alive ♪

♪ Yeah, hear me, all ♪

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ Who don't care
If my hair's a bit long ♪

♪ I'm a man ♪

- ♪ Na na ♪
- ♪ Na na ♪

- ♪ Na na ♪
- ♪ Na na ♪

- ♪ Na na ♪
- ♪ Na na ♪

- ♪ Na na ♪
- ♪ Na na ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ And I'm red and I'm yellow
I'm black and I'm tan ♪

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ I'm alive ♪

♪ Sitting here yelling
And doing my thing ♪

♪ I'm alive ♪

[chuckles]

- Voilà.
- Voilà?

- It's a closed metal shutter.
- Yeah, fuck me.

It is now, but not when it's full
of exotic plantation, Dyldo.

Unit 51. That's where the Americans
keep their extraterrestrial aliens.

- That's Area 51. It's highly classified.
- Oh.

They reverse engineer
crashed alien spaceships,

study the occupants and then,

they make their own aircraft
based on the technology.

Right. Well, in here we're gonna be
growing weed. Industrial scale.

- Where'd you get it?
- Chinese Dan.

- [Ash] That slippery fuck.
- I know he's a slippery fuck,

but he's a slippery fuck offering us
a deal on a unit, no questions asked.

The best part is next door's
a storage place for curry flavourings.

Bloody herbs and powders
and shit like that.

So with a bit of clever drilling,
ventilation,

it's gonna mask the smell
of the ganja, that is.

There's only one problem.

[lock clicks]

[shutters rattle and thud]

- He's made you look quite silly there.
- Mmm-hmm.

Carrot Top Dolls.

Weren't they popular 30 years ago?

- Yeah, the originals were.
- No.

They've had a resurgence, actually.
Press that.

[doll chatters in Mandarin Chinese]
Do you want to play together?

[in Cantonese] Do you want
to play together?

[in English] In China.

Right. And Chinese Dan,
being so fucking Chinese,

- he seized upon this.
- What are we supposed to do with them?

I offered to buy 'em off him,
as part of the deal on the unit.

- Fuck's sake!
- Fucking hell. Dolls are dolls.

Kids loved 'em in the '80s.
Couldn't make 'em fast enough.

Well, then we should probably buy

a thousand fucking VHS machines
while we're at it.

- Yeah, and some Tamagotchis, basically.
- [all laugh]

Ha, ha, ha! Shut up!

We're gonna need grow lights,
irrigation and extractor fans.

We can nick all that shit.

But can we make it work
for an industrial grow, Dill?

Right.

It's gonna need a false ceiling erecting.

It's gonna need marking out
into grow lanes.

Properly measured, no winging it.

We need to seal that entrance,
use the side door.

Can't expose the plants every time
we come and go, but…

- otherwise… it could work.
- Yeah.

- [mobile rings]
- Oh, shit. It's McCann. Here y'are.

- Mr McCann.
- Hello, Vin, where are you?

Well, you won't believe it, actually,
but I'm standing inside

what is soon to become
our industrial grow here.

Excellent, excellent.

You have twin girls, don't you?
Do they like dolls?

- Dolls?
- Yeah, I got a couple going spare.

I'll drop 'em off for you
next time I see ya.

- Did you want me?
- I did, actually, yeah.

My boys are tied up, so I need you
to go collect something for me.

- Yeah, yeah, no worries. What is it?
- His name's Tony Tillerton.

- That's a person.
- I'm gonna text you two addresses.

One's his,
one's where I want him bringing.

You might wanna take a friend with you.
He's a conniving toerag.

- Yeah, understood, yeah.
- And Vin?

Yeah?

- Get the fucker back safe, yeah?
- Listen...

Er… No, he's gone.

Right, who fancies a nice day out?

[all] ♪ Can you tie them in a knot? ♪

♪ Can you tie them in a bow? ♪

[mobile rings]

♪ Can you throw them
Over your shoulder ♪

♪ Like a regimental soldier? ♪

Yo.

Now then, Tommo, where are ya?

Halfway down the country
on our way to France.

France?

France, yes.
Booze cruise for the Rat & Cutter.

Jesus Christ, his memory. We told you.

It's the fucking new pills,
I can't remember a sodding thing.

Cardi says hello. Carol's given him
the full Vinnie makeover.

- Right. How's he look?
- Er… an absolute plum.

The whole family's here.
I've got Carol, Erin, Tyler,

and, for maximum effect,
Carol's gran Alma. Say "hello," Alma.

- Hello.
- You all right, Alma, love?

Yes, thanks.

- Is that the darkie?
- Gran!

[Alma] Oh, Vinnie. The mental one.

- [laughs]
- That's the one, Alma.

I've gotta go. Bring me back some cheese.

Will do.

Cheese, Es and as much booze as you
can fit in an Skystrider Crusader.

- What are Es?
- Nothing you need to worry about.

[Cardi] They're like sweeties
for grown-ups.

Thanks, Cardi. Helpful!

- Au revoir, Vin.
- Au revoir, bon voyage.

Deja vu. Fucking French stuff. [chuckles]

Oi. Stop fucking about with them dolls.

[Dylan] He must've done something wrong.

You don't send people to collect people

unless they don't wanna come.

- Maybe he doesn't drive.
- Fucking tell him to get the train.

What if there's not a train line
where he bloody lives?

A fucking bus, then!

Look, I don't know! He's asked us to
collect him so I have to fucking…

What's going on down there?

- I think I've got an infestation.
- [Vinnie] An infestation?

- Who've you been shagging?
- Met this fella online. Randolf.

- He was kind of dirty.
- What dirty or, like, dirty dirty?

No, not dirty dirty,
just like… actually dirty.

- Lovely. What website are you using?
- Shagaskank.com.

The sex was amazing, destroyed him.
Lovely little arsehole.

But ever since I've got
fierce itchy pubes there now.

Have yous any advice on that?

I do, actually, yeah. Don't have sex
with dirty men called Randolf.

You'll need to shave. I'm googling it,

but I'm pretty sure
you've got genital lice.

- Fuck. What?
- [Dylan] Could be a yeast infection.

- Could be scabies.
- Crabs even.

- Extra-mammary Paget's disease.
- Could be.

Cheers, lads. Thanks very much
for making me feel better!

- Right, here we are. Avondale.
- That's not a thing, is it?

- I spy with my little eye…
- No!

- No more "I spy."
- [Tyler] What can we play?

I've got a game, right? This is brilliant.

We used to play this at school.

Everyone has to tell a secret.

- Yeah?
- Okay.

[Tommo] All right, I'll go first.

- When I'm alone in my house...
- There's kids present.

Don't worry, it's clean. [sniffs]

I like to get comfortable,
grab a hairbrush,

and pretend I'm in front of
thousands of adoring fans,

belting out power ballads.

♪ I wanna know what love is ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, yeah ♪

♪ And I want you to show me
Oh, yeah… ♪

Why am I not surprised, eh?

- Who's next?
- I'll go.

Oh, God. I'm genuinely nervous.

I once stole
a child's breakfast from a cafe

when he went away to the bathroom.

- Gran!
- Awful.

- Why?
- He was a lardy little shit.

- All right, your turn.
- Who, me?

[Cardi] Yeah.

- Let me think.
- You must have hundreds.

- Not really.
- Oh, come on, Carol.

- Shall I go again?
- No.

Come on.

All right.

Well… But it's not for young ears.

A fucking porno, Carol?

I thought this was supposed be a laugh.

What, you're t-telling me you had s-s-sex

in f-front of a camera and
the whole fucking world's seen it?

It wasn't Pulp Fiction though,
was it, Cardi? Huh?

- And it was a long time ago.
- I've got fucking pictures in me head.

Ah, you're overreacting.
Sure, my gran's not bothered.

- Oh, well, she… I fucking am!
- You're a hypocrite, Cardi.

You enjoy the porn but you're not
happy that your girlfriend's in one.

J… What was it called?

- Eager Beavers.
- [distant car horns blare]

Volume 22.

Fucking unbelievable.
Fucking start the car!

Fucking hell!

[Vinnie] Christ. It's a thatched roof.

Hardly screams
axe-wielding maniac, does it?

- [distant peacock call]
- Hey, he's got peacocks.

Oh, my God, psychopaths like animals.

Jeffrey Dahmer had cats.

Yeah, and he also impaled
dogs' heads on sticks.

Let's just keep our wits about us.

["I'm His Girl" playing]

Any aggro, we jump him.

Hello, chaps!

Fresh scones, straight from the oven.

Go lovely with a cup of tea.

[Tommo] Right,
you know the drill.

We're a big happy family,
off on our jollies.

- So, passports out, big smiles…
- Passport?

And let's all pretend…
Yes, Alma. Yeah, passports.

Obviously. 'Cause we're going
to a foreign country.

I haven't got a passport.
I haven't been abroad since 19...

- You fucking what?
- [tyres screech and horns blare]

Jesus fucking Christ!

- [Carol] Gran!
- [Alma] What? No one said.

- [Cardi] We're going to France.
- Is this a Brexit thing?

No, it's a going to another
fucking country thing.

- Tommo!
- I… I've got my pension book.

Oh, right, well. Yeah, you show 'em that,
I'll show 'em my gym pass,

and he can show 'em
his Costa fucking coffee card!

- She's getting out.
- You can't just throw her out.

We won't get through, then,
will we, without her passport?

I'm not turning round, Carol,
'cause it has taken fucking hours.

[Carol] You can't throw her out
in the middle of nowhere.

[Tommo] It's not nowhere.
It's Folkestone.

There's hotels, a harbour,
she'll have a great time.

Go with her
and make a p-porno while you wait.

- Grow up.
- Don't joke. There's a market for it.

- Gummy BJs and what have you.
- What's a porno?

It's a grown-up film. With sex.

- Tommo!
- What?

Was that or was that
not factually accurate?

Right, let's just
think this through, all right?

Why don't we explain what's happened
and see if there's anything

- they can do about it?
- Like what?

I don't know! I'm trying to think
of ways to make it work.

- She could hide in the caravan.
- No, sweetheart, she can't do that.

- Why not?
- Yeah. Actually, why not?

No!

No, no, Carol, think about it.
The lad's come up with a masterplan.

- Hide me?
- Yes, love, in the bog.

I'm not hiding in the bathroom.

- Under the b-bed then.
- No!

No, Carol. They'll take one look
at us and assume we're two couples.

They won't think to look for someone else.

Then why bring her along?

I'm beginning to wonder that myself.

It's the caravan or nothing.

["Narcissus" playing]

Put these…

over here and it turns out…

there is absolutely…

loads of room. There you go.

- I'll never get in there.
- You will, pull your knees up.

- I'm not happy about this.
- Carol.

It's a couple of hours
and then we're in France.

You know what? Pretend it's an adventure.

Pretend it's the war
and you're hiding from the Nazis.

But what if they search it?

- Haven't they got infrared cameras?
- Don't you worry.

They don't pick up old ladies,
your bones are too hollow. Come on.

We'll say you got dementia
and climbed in when we weren't looking.

Are you okay, Grammy? Give her a pillow.

Yeah. Do you want some water, love,
and maybe a snack?

Ah, just put the bloody lid on.

- Can I go in the other side?
- No, you can't.

Grammy? What grammy?

- [laughs]
- [Carol] Cunt.

[train whistle blows]

So it all started as my cover story,

so that I could just get a few hours
here and there away from the wife.

You know, "Just going through
to play with the train set, dear."

And then I would just come in here,
through there,

and er… and do the er… Terence work.

Obviously, I had to spend
a bit of time on the train set

in case she came in and er…

So I… I started ordering bits and bobs…

Er… don't touch it.
No, you've derailed the diesel.

I'd order bits and bobs on the interweb,

and I really got into it.

You see, when you see that train
zooming around the track

it can be quite therapeutic.

- Excuse me. Erm, Mr Tillerton.
- Mmm?

Can I try this out?

I've just always really wanted
to fire one of these.

They're essentially decorative, old chum.

There's bullets.

Well, be my guest.
But just make sure you do it out the back.

- You ever make them crash?
- I beg your pardon?

Do you ever make them…
sort of smash into each other?

- Why would I do that?
- Just for fun.

"Oh no, they're heading
towards each other."

Psshww! Smash. Casualties.

Carnage. "I've lost a leg! Oh!"

You know,
"I got separated from the group."

"Oh, my children, where have they gone?
Where are my children?"

No.

So your wife has no idea
that you do illegal tech fraud?

- Oh, absolutely, blissfully unaware.
- [peacock screeches]

We have a wonderful retirement.

God knows where she thinks
the money comes from.

- [gunshot]
- Shit.

- What the…
- Oh, well, fuck.

[distant peacocks screech]

- It was coming for me.
- It's a peacock!

- It was coming for me.
- Whoa, whoa, put the fucking gun down.

This is Struan.

He's my favourite.

I'm really sorry, yeah. I'm a fish-lover.

I hate hurting animals.
They'll all tell you.

- I've had this bird in my bed.
- Oh.

I can't… Not like that, no.

- Curled up like a dog.
- [whispers] Still weird.

It was coming for me.

- Stop saying that!
- All right, shall we er…

- Oh, Struan.
- Shall we get going?

Come on, Tony.
I know. Poor Struan. Come on.

- I'll never see his like again.
- I know, I know.

- Oh, Struan.
- Come on. Come and have a cup of tea.

I know. It's a shame.
Come on, you'll see him again.

Who is that boy that shot him?
What's his name?

- JJ. He didn't mean to do it.
- JJ.

Bellend. Oi! Get the fuck up here.

Yes, I'm just leaving a note
for the lady wife about er… Struan. Erm…

Would you boys mind awfully if I had
a little tinkle before we go.

- If it's a long drive.
- Yeah, all right. No worries.

Thank you.

Go with him.

- Go with him?
- Go with him. He might be up to summat.

Like what?

Well, I don't know. But Terence said
he were conniving, din't he?

Ah, here, he made scones,
he's hardly danger.

What is that there?
Side of your head just there?

Go with him.

Sorry there, I've gotta come in with you.

- Come in with me?
- Yeah. It's just…

Just in case, like.

- Right.
- If it's just a number one,

I'll just stand with my back
towards you or whatever, so…

Okay, right.
Er… I've just got to warn you,

I've got shy bladder syndrome, so…

- Right, yeah. Yeah, shy bladder.
- Uh-huh.

I'm ever so sorry.

I can feel it in the pipe,
just can't coax it out.

No worries. Is there…
Is there anything I can do to help?

- Like what?
- I dunno.

- Run some water or whistle or something.
- Well, if you like, yes.

[whistles]

Oh, no, no, no. Ooh, no.
No, that's… that's not helping.

- It's gone right back up into the bladder.
- I'll try the tap, so.

Oh, yeah, I think we're on the…
We're going…

- [mobile rings]
- Oh, no! It's gone back up again.

For Christ's sake. What?

[Vinnie] What are you doing?
We're in t'van.

- He's got shy bladder syndrome.
- Shy bladder syndrome!

That's not a thing.
Tell him we've gotta go, then.

- We've gotta go.
- I'm bursting.

Can't I just leave the man to piss?

I'll stand the other side
the bathroom door.

Fine.

- Just gonna lock the door, thanks.
- Okay.

[lock clicks]

[ship horn blows]

["Mini Mini Mini" playing]

[Tommo] Way I see it, right,
life's all about perception.

Two hours ago you didn't know
your girlfriend's chuff were out there

for every Tom, Dick and Harry
to wazz over,

and you were happy in your ignorance.

- Yeah, but now I do.
- Right, so pretend you don't.

- How?
- Tell your brain it never happened.

Tell your brain that…

she didn't nosh some massive-cock
guy with the cameras rolling,

and there aren't tens
of thousands of people

who've wanked themselves into oblivion...

- Tommo. Y-You're not helping.
- Fine, torture yourself.

But there is nothing you can do
or say that's gonna change things.

- There is, actually.
- What's that?

[women chattering]

- I wanna see it.
- All right.

- I wanna see the f-film.
- Yeah?

- Think you're up to it, do you?
- Yeah.

You can handle what comes
out of that Pandora's box?

- Whatever comes up.
- Okay.

Your wish is my command.

Rub that lamp, see what comes out.

Thank you, genie.

I'll make some calls.

[ship horn blows]

Bonjour.

- I'm from Cornwall.
- In that case…

[west country accent] Tha's it, my lover,
get on my cock! [laughs]

Passports.

- Have a good trip.
- Will do.

Just er… wish my dear old gran
could have been here.

[chuckles] Piece of piss.

Why would you do that?
Why even mention her?

Having a bit of fun. Relax, we're through.

When can we let Grammy out?

- France.
- What?

Carol, there's CCTV everywhere.

We'll get across the sea,
pull her out in Calais.

Hey. Beer?

- Back of the fucking net.
- [chuckles]

["Ooh La La" playing]

[Tony] What are all these things
doing in here?

We're doll connoisseurs.

My daughter had one of these.

I think she used to call her "Bernadette."

[doll chatters in Cantonese]
Do you want to play together?

Yeah, I bloody hated it.

Do you know these things were going
for 500 quid a pop back in the '80s?

- See what I mean, demand.
- Yeah, then.

- Then.
- Demand.

Are you all right, sunshine?

I think it's a fungal infection.

You wanna have that checked out.
Friend of mine had that.

Turned out to be
extra-mammary Paget's disease.

- See?
- What even is that?

Well, it's associated
with an underlying cancer.

- Huh?
- Have you got any bleeding at all?

Not that I've noticed.

- Itchy scrotum? Or is it just the pubes?
- Mainly just the pubes.

- And any discharge?
- Oh, come on. Are you a doctor?

Oh, no, no, but you don't get to my age

without having your fair share
of health scares.

The main thing is to avoid
stressful situations...

[heavy thud]

[engine revs]

Fuck!

["Deceptacon" playing]

Out of the van! Out of the van!

[indistinct shouting]

Give me them keys!

- Don't hit me.
- Be cool, man.

You shut up!

- Fuck!
- Okay, let's go! Let's go!

You all right, Dyldo?

- Ooh!
- You fuckers!

Fucking keys, dude.

Motherfucker.

[tyres screech]

Fucker. Well, this is fuck, this, lads.

Dude, they knew we were coming.
They must've.

Yeah, well, of course,
'cause they got fucking tipped off.

- This knobhead down here.
- What?

- This is fucking you, this, Ash!
- How me?

- Fucking shy bladder?
- He couldn't piss, though.

He was fucking buying himself time,
so he could bell up them wankers.

And now we've fucking lost him.

- What am I gonna tell McCann?
- I found them!

Thank God for that.

Ah, fuck. They're in a cowpat.

Well, fish 'em out.

[JJ] Well, what if I get mad cow disease
or something?

You fucking shot a peacock, dude.
Fish 'em out.

[sheep bleats]

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

Now then, they're not gonna be
expecting us to chase,

- so I reckon we should chase 'em.
- They're fucking armed.

Do you wanna be the one
who explains to McCann

that we've lost a pigging pensioner?

- No.
- Exactly.

Oh, bollocks.

["Seabird" playing]

Just get in the van.

- This is wrecking my trainers, man.
- There's no service out here.

I just put my hand in cow shit, all right?
So shut up.

♪ Even though I tell myself
That road is closed ♪

♪ Listen, lonely seabird… ♪

[Tommo speaking in French]
Hello and welcome to France.

- [in English] Mission accomplished.
- [Carol] Right, get her out of there.

- [horn blares]
- Jesus Christ, Tommo.

You're on the wrong side of the road!

You fucking eejit.

♪ Seabird, seabird
Fly home… ♪

She can get a plane home.
I'm not going through that again.

- Hey.
- [grunts]

I've texted Fingers McGuinness.
He's got a sex shop down in Southport.

- If anyone can find that movie, he can.
- Legend.

Grammy, wakey, wakey, rise and shine.

Grammy, we're through. It's all good.

You can get up now, come back
and sit in the car.

Alma, love.

Alma. Shit.

- Shit what?
- Er…

I'm not a doctor but er…

I would say with quite a degree
of certainly that er…

[sniffs] she's dead.

- [gasps]
- What? No.

Grammy! Grammy!

Grammy, no!

- No!
- Let's get you out of here, come on.

- Has she died?
- Yeah, but she was very old.

- [Carol sobs]
- Come on.

[Carol sobs and sniffles]

Why did you… Why did you put her in there?

It weren't my idea. It were Tyler's.

I merely endorsed it.

N-Nobody's f-fault, Carol.

Correction, it's his fault.

- Or yours.
- What, m-mine?

You stuffed her under there!

Her, an old woman and her on the pills.

- I mean, what happened to her?
- Maybe…

Maybe it were natural causes.

You stuffed her
under the bed of a caravan!

Which, in and of itself, won't kill you.

What am I going to tell my grandad?

They've been married for nearly 49 years.

Probably… cancel the golden anniversary.

That's my fucking grammy
you're talking about!

In fairness,
none of this would've happened

if she'd remembered her fucking passport.

- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Carol, Carol, ssh.

- Carol!
- And she were a racist.

[Carol shouts angrily]

Can we go on holiday anyway
with her just dead?

Er…

No, no. No, darling.

Where are these fuckers?

Probably miles away.

'Cause they're bloody professionals.

- Did you see they had masks?
- Masks don't make you professional, JJ.

They're £1.49 off eBay.

They went straight ahead and
there's not been any major turnoff,

- so we just keep going and hope…
- Fuck!

- Oh, shit.
- [tyres screech]

- That's them. Let's get 'em.
- See? Shy bladder.

- [distant shouting]
- Fuck. Motherfuckers have fucking seen us.

We only want to talk!

"We only wanna talk."

What? It might have bloody worked.

What the fuck are we gonna talk about?
The state of the economy?

- For Jesus' sake. You're gonna lose 'em.
- Not gonna lose 'em.

- [mobile rings]
- Piece of shite can't keep up.

- It's not a good time, Cardi.
- It's about your gran.

Did you not hear me say it's not
a good time? What about her?

S-She's kind of dead.

- What do you mean dead?
- Dead, dead.

She's dead. And talking about stiffs,

- did you know your sister's done a porno?
- Hold on.

I'll call you back, all right?

Oh, guys, this isn't good.

Don't ever mess with my peacocks,
you bunch of schmucks.

He's shooting us!
He's fucking shooting us.

- Armed and dangerous.
- Drop back!

- I'm not gonna drop back.
- Dude! He's gonna kill us!

I'm not asking, I'm fucking
commanding you, stop chasing them.

- I'm gonna zigzag.
- You're zigzagging!

- Fucking listen to yourself!
- Can't hit a moving target, boys.

- Fuck you!
- Shit!

I'm gonna fucking die collecting
an old man that can't piss.

Will you pipe down, dude?
No one's dying, man.

[all scream]

[tyres screech]

Just calm the…
Oi, oi, boys! Calm the fuck down.

Get out of the fucking van.

Argh! Oh, Jesus,
his fucking head's come off.

- Brilliant!
- Yeah, that's not good.

Not good? Didn't you see the fucking sign?

- Mis-estimated.
- Yeah, you fucking mis-estimated.

Now we've got a head rolling about
on the floor.

His eyes are open.
Could you stop him looking at me, please?

- What we gonna do?
- What the fuck do you mean?

- He's no good to us now.
- No, well, funnily enough,

he's not much fucking use to us either,
you lemon.

[mobile rings]

- Oi.
- Get the fucker.

Fuck, it's McCann. What do I do?

- Don't answer it.
- Don't answer it! Fucking genius, Dyldo.

- What if he knows?
- How can he fucking know?

Will you fucking calm down, Dylan?
Calm the fuck down.

You fucking calm down an' all. Shit!

- All right.
- [ringing continues]

- Hello.
- Hello, Vin, how's it going?

Yeah, yeah. Good thanks, yeah.
Never been be better, actually.

- You got Tillerton?
- Oh, yeah.

Looking at his… Looking at his face
right now, actually.

You on your way back?
Doesn't sound like you're driving.

No, we, er… We pulled over.
He needed a… He needed a piss.

Oh, yeah, he's got
that shy bladder thing, hasn't he?

No, he's not got that any more.
We've cured it, actually.

He's like a fucking racehorse.
Tony, come on, lad, will you?

- Shall we see you later on?
- Yeah, the address I sent. 5:00 p.m.

I'll be there with bells on.
Oh, he's fucking gone.

Why did you let 'em get away?
Fucking gone now, han't they.

Took his body. What we gonna do now?

He's still looking at me, you know.

JJ, if you carry on,
I'm gonna fucking brain you, dude.

We have to move this head
before someone comes.

No!

- [exhales heavily]
- JJ?

No fucking way am I touching that.

Fuck. How are we gonna move a human head?

Those Carrot Top dolls.

Go on, Dill, bro,
throw us one of them boxes.

Gotta be honest, man.
I'm not sure I can do this.

Just you and me,
grab an ear each, it'll be grand.

He looks a bit surprised, doesn't he?

Of course he looks fucking surprised.

So would you if you had your head
ripped off your shoulders.

Ooh, fuck me. Smells of mackerel, dunnit?

Yeah, that's the blood.

Or there's every chance
he had mackerel for his tea.

Oh, dude. Ugh! Whoa.

- Have you got him?
- Yeah.

- [all yell]
- Fucking hell!

That was you, that.

- You didn't stop it rolling.
- Brilliant, dickhead.

It's not my fault.
You could've broken his nose there.

How the fuck are you two doing?
Having a nice afternoon?

Why are you taking it?
What you gonna do with it?

What the fuck do you suggest I do?
Leave it here?

I think a severed head might raise
a few questions, don't you, Dyldo?

- You grab that way. I'll grab this way.
- Right.

- [both grunt]
- Fuck!

["Slippery People" playing]

- Shit. Cyclist.
- Where?

Cyclist, coming fast.

♪ Fall on your face… ♪

- Shut the door.
- You all right, mate?

Fuck me.

♪ You best believe
This thing is real ♪

[thunder rumbles]

[Erin] We've brought a woman
into the country illegally

and now she's dead.

If we go to the police,
they're gonna start asking

some seriously awkward questions.

- Can't we just bury her at sea?
- Shut up. Poor Grammy.

How I see it, right,
we've got two options.

[sniffs] No, three. No, four.

- Oh, God's sake, Tommo!
- All right.

Option A, we go to the fuzz,
tell them exactly what happened,

and let the chips fall where they may.

- Do you speak the French?
- Oui.

Any more than "oui"?

[speaking broken French]

- What's that?
- Roughly translates to "Are you moist?"

Well, that's gonna come in handy, innit?
Right, B.

Option B. We arrange for a speedy funeral.

Dignified service, bang her in the oven,
on we go like nothing happened.

Oven?

Oven, or grave, but oven's
more environmentally friendly.

So you can organise a swift funeral
in a foreign country that we can afford?

Could speak to Gary at Abracadaver,
see if he's got any French connections.

Gay undertaker, there must be some
sort of website or WhatsApp group.

- C.
- Option C would be my favoured option.

Being?

We get the booze, we get the gear,
mission accomplished. And then…

we hide your granny somewhere discreet.

- Fucking hide her?
- Look, just think about it.

We go back, we get her passport,
we come back here.

Then we reveal she's dead.
Voilà. No one goes to prison.

Where are you gonna hide her, Tommo?
In a field? In a telephone box?

In a fucking roll of carpet?

Obviously not,
'cause they're terrible options.

Well, the carpet might work, I suppose.

You killed her, you prick,
now you want to stuff her in a field

- and fill the caravan full of drink.
- I specifically said "no" to the field.

Look, in case you've forgotten,

we brought an undocumented woman
into the country, right?

All of us. Joint enterprise.

QED, we are all in the shit together.

- You're not fucking hiding her!
- Fine, what's your big plan?

Right, brought supplies.

How can you eat at a time like this?

- Get off!
- Oi. Eager beaver.

Carol, nothing's gonna bring
your gran back. I'm sorry, okay?

But I say we get on with the trip, we…

make the most of the… beautiful weather.

- [thunder rumbles]
- Yeah? We pick the booze up, we get…

sweeties.

And then we make a plan
when we're on the road, yeah?

Eugh! Quick, quick, quick, quick.

It wasn't S&M. It was
just a bit of light spanking.

- What's that? Like strangulation?
- No.

- Face sitting?
- No.

- Nothing poo-related?
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Where's the fucking caravan?
- Where is it?

Feck, the caravan.
Someone's nicked Grammy!

Argh!

["Miss Misery" playing]

His words, his exact words, were,
"Get him back safe."

Not just his head.
Not just his fucking bonce.

- He wanted to have a word with him.
- "Come for a nice day out," he said.

Smoke a spliff, a few tunes.

And what have I done? I shot a peacock…

And I'm sat next to a box
with a head in it.

It's like Se7en.

[tearfully] It's my gran, she's just gone.

It was probably her heart, you know.
Black old heart on her.

- Always smoking cigarettes.
- Fuck!

T-That's what we tell him.
That's what we tell Terence.

What, that he got trapped
in the seat of a caravan?

No. Fucking ring Gary at Abracadaver.

Tell him we're coming over
and it's urgent. Fucking go on.

That's it, like,
we have to tell the police.

Yeah… Ah, mmm, yes. [sniffs]

I er… I agree and er… [clears throat]

I understand your logic but…

er… before we go
down that particular… avenue,

there might be a few matters it
would be prudent for you know about.

- Like what?
- Well, A,

that wasn't exactly my caravan.

- When you say not exactly…
- Well, you know, er, not at all.

It was nicked from outside
a dog kennels in Keighley.

- B?
- B.

I don't actually have a driver's licence,

so we can't say I was behind the wheel,

which is a problem if they check
the security footage in Calais and er…

- C…
- There's a C. There's a fucking C.

C, I have a criminal record in France

due to an incident several years ago
involving two exchange students

and a glory hole
in a Paris cinema bathroom.

- Jesus Christ, Tommo!
- What's a glory hole?

- It's a hole you put your… What?
- Cardi.

I-I-It's for sweets.

You all seem to be forgetting
that my grammy…

- The racist…
- is dead and AWOL.

- What if we never see her again?
- 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey. Look, look.

We've saved money on t'funeral.

- Right, that's it!
- Wh…

[loudly] Who wants to make a porno?

- Anyone? Anyone want to fuck?
- She's in shock and grief

- [Carol] Live sex with me!
- And soon, Eager Beavers 23.

Carol!

Are we on holiday now?

[Gary] What d'you want me to do?
Look at it!

It's like you've been using it
as a fucking pinata.

- Superficial, innit, man of your skills.
- Then what?

- Where's the rest of him?
- Fucking hell.

That's where the big favour comes in,
really, 'cause we've lost him.

- You've lost him.
- Yeah. Well, no, no.

He got stolen, to be fair.
It's a fucking long story.

Look, the good news is
we do have the head.

So I say we stitch that head
onto another body.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sew that head
onto another body?

Yeah. I mean, dude,
you must have some lying around.

Yeah, I have, but oddly enough, Vin,

the bodies are still attached to the head.
They're intact.

All right.

So, let's just say, right,
for argument's sake,

one of them heads was to fall off
that body, right?

And then we get that head
and we stitch it onto that body

and borrow it for like two fucking hours.
Is that deeply unethical?

Yes. Utterly contemptible,
unthinkable, undignified.

- Three hundred quid. Sick.
- Done.

All right, so…
we've got sort of a fat fella.

And er… like a thin woman.

And…

a Black lad.

So there's no perfect match.

- [electric saw whirrs and stops]
- All right, one of yous has to catch it.

- Dill?
- No fucking chance.

My gran died earlier today.

Fuck, dude. I've been fucking lifting
his head all day long.

- Quickly, now.
- This is fucked.

- [electric saw whirrs]
- [Vinnie] Oh, dude! Fuck!

- [saw stops]
- Fuck me! It went in my fucking mouth!

How am I supposed to know where
it's gonna spray? It's not my fault.

- I'm doing you a favour!
- Fucking hell, why is his dick out?

Because he's dead! "Why is his dick out?"

- What do you want? Shorts?
- Yeah, some short something.

- Bit of dignity for t'poor lad.
- Just hold his head!

Jesus Christ, dude.

It's fucking… It's like
he's staring at me dude, all limp.

Why does it smell of burnt dog meat?
It's fucking horrible.

- Why's it smell like that?
- You get used to it, okay?

And, to be honest,
I find it quite relaxing. Hold his head!

Ugh!

- [whirring]
- Eugh!

- Right, here we go!
- Oh, fucking Jesus!

- Eugh! Whoa!
- Here we go!

Ugh! Eugh!

["Pata Pata" playing]

- Eugh!
- [splashing]

- Eugh! Argh!
- [heavy thud]

- Fuck!
- Just get me the other one!

Fuck. Ugh! Ugh!

Oh. I don't know if we're gonna have
enough neck here to stitch it on.

Ugh! Ugh!

We're gonna have to put a scarf on him.

Here we go. There we are. Two o'clock.

T-two o'clock?

Ahead and right a bit.

- What are you saying two o'clock for?
- Like on a clock.

Fucking hell. Him there, dickhead,

with the beard
and the bloody terrible sandals.

Keys straight in his jacket pocket.

Go on. Off you pop.

Go on.

Oh! Sorry, sorry. Pardon, pardon.

Er, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm grand.
S-sorry. Sorry.

Ah, success.

["Fight The Power" playing]

Right, where is it?

Where have you parked,

you sandal-wearing prick?

[car lock chirrups]

- [car lock chirrups]
- You have got to be shitting me.

- How are we all gonna fit in that?
- We've got no choice. Get in.

[mobile rings]

Fingers? You've got it?

You, sir,
are the Inspector Morse of minge.

I spoke to Fingers.

Am I or am I not a genius?

["I'm Waiting For The Man" playing]

♪ I'm waiting for my man ♪

♪ 26 dollars in my hand… ♪

Shit, that's him. Right, just let me
do all t'talking, yeah?

Mr McCann.

- Where is he?
- He's in the back of the van.

- I wanna see him.
- Yeah, he's er…

He just started panicking on the way here.

Fucking hyperventilating and that.

I think he's had an 'eart attack,
you know.

Open up, then.

Go on.

He said he'd put on some weight.
It's probably stress.

It was very quick.

You bastard.

Cheated my fucking wrath with death,
you cunt.

[heavy thump]

This your fucking way out, is it? Eh?

This your fucking escape route?

[heavy thumping]

See that face? Face of a traitor.

Face of a man who tried to fucking
cheat his fucking paymaster.

[suspenseful music playing]

These the dolls?

[doll chatters in Cantonese]
Do you want to play together?

Ha!

[in English] The girls
are gonna love these.

Get rid of him.

I've weed myself a little bit.

["La Fille Du Coupeur De Joints" playing]

- [mobile rings]
- Oh.

'Ey up.

[sniffs]

Er, I need a pee.

Yep. I'll er… just pull over.

[lyrics in French]

[music ends]

Right, dead quick. Come on.

Carol, smell that smell there?

- [imperceptible]
- [Erin] No!

- [Carol moans on video]
- Oh. Is that a dog lead?

Oi! Eyes off, you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- [Carol groans on video]
- Oh, Christ.

- [Carol moans and yells]
- That…

That's… That is worse
than spanking! Carol!

- Carol!
- [moaning continues on video]

Oh, shit! Dude, the car.

- The car's…
- I spy with my little eye,

- something beginning with "F."
- [mobile rings]

Oh, shit.

["Firewater" playing]

All right, Vin, how's it going?

Yeah, good, thanks, yeah. How's the trip?

Great, thanks. Just having a nice day out.

Yeah, same.

Lovely day out. Hmm!

Grammy!

Fuck.

[Ash grunts]

- Ready? Whoa!
- Ready, yeah.

Wow, that's a gasper, isn't it?

[chuckles]

That is a bad boy. Hell's teeth.

Right. [chuckles] I'll be back in a sec.

What a phallus. Huh!

- [laughs] Oh, God.
- What about the itching though?

- Crabs?
- Crabs, yeah.

[music continues]