All language subtitles for Bachelorman-en

You wonder about the place, but
it is important that you do not see this.

I'm Ted Davis. Cat in labor
makes my �itin.

I have heard
such pains several times -

- like laughing in church
or when I dirty the living room.

I have a father too.
At that time -

- husbands and wives
They didn't share the birth.

My father thought Lamaze was France
Turn around. Now I come.

- Go ahead, Mrs. Davis.
- I can't do it. Pull it!

You had a reason to see this -

- that moment
laid the foundation for my female relationships.

Come... out!

Hysterical woman
threw me out the first time.

Congratulations, Mrs. Davis.
You have a son.

A boy? Give me an extra spike.

No, I never...

- Doctor, do you see the same as me?
- What now?

- What does it do?
- It tried to run back.

No!

The same happened to everyone I met
with women.

Relations were
much easier in the 80s.

- Call.
- The 90s were an even better time.

- It took a while.
- Call.

- The new millennium changed everything.
- Call.

Nowadays I am more demanding.
I tried to be safe.

I tried it
two or three times a week.

You must be wondering,
why do I have an export�.

Girls know I'm deceitful.

I don't think I am
God's gift to women.

I believe,
that they are a gift from the creator to me.

Listen.
If I met the right one...

Natural, smart, sporty,
a woman with a sense of humor -

- who would have
nice hips and lips...

He would be lusty, funny, rich
and would wear tights that...

I would get down to business right away.

The woman of my dreams doesn't exist
so I keep looking�. Thanks.

Women have finished
of the same social upheaval.

Needed to complete the proposal
softer approach.

Women are afraid of getting old,
especially singles.

Bachelor tip number 27:
Appeal to a woman's sense of youth.

Could I have another one?

30 in a glass, huh? Looks miserable.

I feel
how my hair turns blue

I was afraid I would break my hip
on the way to the counter.

It's not that bad.

You should celebrate
your maturity and wisdom.

If you feel old,
I have a cure for it.

So I should celebrate my wisdom
on the way to you.

I'm serious.
I know the fountain of youth.

It's a little pill. It gets you
to feel five years old.

You mean ecstasy
or other buttons?

Poop Moose.

I love Poop Moose.

You get it. Happy birthday.

Thanks. Are you sure?
I had a little one like this.

I have them at home
the entire collection.

Underline tip number 27.

�l� let the double gates and barrels
stay tuned.

Only with Total Complete Sports.

- Poop Moose?
- Women love it.

Our marketing manager Meg
came to the house at the same time as me.

He is the only human,
that I can trust.

- He is a loyal friend.
- You are a scapegoat for the worst.

Sex is important to a woman.
It's not just a drug of the moment.

- Don't you know that those times are over?
- I'm old fashioned.

I'm Sherry Cappleman
From Extremely Real Productions.

SCANNING STARTS

CHEST CIRCUMFERENCE: 94 CM

VY�T�R�: 58 CM
HIP: 86 CM

FABULOUS S��RET
SHAVE CALVES ONLY

El VlHKlOF THE RING

NICE SMILE
ONLY THREE CROWNS

POSSIBLE OPENING LINES:

1. SHERRY? �lTINI NAME IS SHERRY.

2. WILL THE CHILD BE DIVIDED?

3. CAN I BOARD THE SHIP?

4. FUN TO MEET.

- Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

I like your program
Old people attack.

Share your ideas.

Hey sun swingers!

home videos,
where men get a blow to their eggs.

It can leave
from baseball or soccer.

We have a pipe,
where a man gets a moukari for his eggs.

We apply
a slightly wider audience.

Right.

Celebrity rushes.
Celebrities' breasts are examined.

Couples can watch the program together.
It's educational and lewd.

Sure...

Bikini lumberjack contest.

Almost naked women
with chainsaws...

We already have
similar program in monkeys.

Really?

I could satisfy your need,
if I knew what you were looking for.

I have a free hour on Thursday,
which should be fulfilled.

- Maybe I have a solution for that.
- I would love to see it.

We could talk
about it on a daily basis.

Use this one
those tights with...

There they are.

That's where the woman is.
Natural, sporty -

- good lips. All the same.

Is he okay?
rich parents?

Just the same. Is he lustful?

You go to bed with me
don't call for two weeks.

Am I for you
just recycled stuff?

Bachelor tip number 12:
If you are waiting for female company -

- turn off the answering machine.

Messages like the previous one
affect the comfort of the evening.

Kept your house a little messy,
�however stubborn�.

Prefer a little disorganization. New
age records and travel magazines are ok.

Dirty underwear is not.

Testy-Flex has been operating for 17 years
orientators of time -

- in strength training.

When you start
training Testy-Flexill� -

- you will notice the results immediately.

Hello, Mr. Yi, my friend!

It's the same.

- Do you watch these reruns?
- Yes, six times a week.

Shaolin would never have survived
mulatto to the temple.

He had no other place.

You have
a lot to learn about the Chinese.

Says the Korean,
who ran a Japanese restaurant.

You pretend to put
authentic Japanese food -

- to knock a woman into bed.
It's a color.

You have
much to learn about Americans.

- Hello.
- Hello. Min� t�ss�.

Come up.

Tip number 3 1:

Spray furniture polish
around the door.

The girl thinks,
that you have been cleaning all day.

Hello. Go inside.

- Have you cleaned for me?
- I'm stuck.

You've gone to a lot of trouble.
This is wonderful.

I'm leaving now.
I can't believe you're here.

How men
do you stay in your skins near you?

I have a middle-aged girl with me.

Men can't say
such a face with basic readings.

Let's drink a toast.

Where can I get a taxi to the city?

It was beautiful. Thanks.

I love Japanese food
and the Japanese language�.

This whole Japanese evening.

Say something else in Japanese.

Just a second.
I don't even know who it could be.

- What now?
- You forgot the cookies.

Scouts
turn yellow every year.

Right.

Here comes tip number 17.

To prolong the pleasure
imagine doing something else.

Some people remember
the mustachioed ladies of the school kitchen.

Min�
I imagine I'm a superhero.

I'm not just any hero
just a bachelor superhero.

I'm a Bachelorman.

I�m the Bachelorman!

I fly towards the palace of my love.

Towards warmer
and to the palace of exciting love.

Wait. Stop!

Where does the third one belong?

- That must be my new neighbor.
- Continue. You are amazing!

Where did we go?

I can't do it, Ted.
This is too strange.

They're just a bit ��naughty�.
Take it as a challenge.

- Who will reach the top the fastest?
- Let go�!

I don't think so. If we hear them,
they can hear us too.

Let's be quiet.
I use the name of the color.

- You don't have to rush out.
- I'm not in a hurry.

Then why did you put on my boxers?

Sorry.

I had a really nice time.
Daily and sake...

- Push, push!
- ... and entertainment.

I'll call you.
Come on... get out of bed, then.

Do it, Lucky!

No worries.
This kind of thing happens sometimes.

It is important to remember,
that the whole thing is meaningless.

You could call it
as a technical mess.

�itini says:
"Girls are like trams."

"When the other left,
so the other takes. "

You just have to be ready.

Healthy. May I read it myself first?

But I...

I throw it to you
after i read it.

Tree would beat
With the arrival of Jackie Chan.

What then?
Mr Miyagi would beat both.

Eat this or I'll beat you up.

I want to
one large Japanese beer.

Why Japanese beers
are big? The same guys -

- they make small cars, televisions
and stereos, but beers...

I've known Kelly Burnett
about seven years old.

His goal
is to settle down.

- He never washes himself.
- I threw them down at once.

Artie Spiers is still bitter
from a broken relationship.

It was in high school.

Did I already tell you that bitch got it
just to tease the fourth child?

Leave it alone, ��li�.

If he gets grandchildren,
he falls off the list.

You wouldn't recognize a real woman,
even if it squeezes your diaphragm.

Gordie Poster
is definitely my best friend.

He's happy. He's looking for a woman,
which has something in it.

A relative of the owner comes here
today. He puts you down.

The woman of my dreams
I think I'll move in next door.

And you are here. Are you crazy?

I need an opening line.

How about: "My drain is blocked.
Can I use your shower?"

I liked it,
when you told that nurse -

- that you had been held hostage
In Iran and in need for 12 years.

It was good.

Look. A relative will come.

Hello, stranger. What are you drinking?

- Hello.
- Hello.

The word of the day is "siret". What do you say?

Go to us
spreading the word?

You have a client hanging from your nose.

What are you saying?
of eight rock-hard centimeters?

Save your lungs.
You need them to fill your lady.

Could we...

Maybe you and I... I know...

Are you in the cloud�?

I'm there if you need me.

The most important thing is confidence.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
or shall I come again?

You must have heard them all:

"You must be tired
you'd be around me all day."

Or a worshiper: "Heaven knows that
you are here. There's an angel missing."

What about a provocative approach:

"If I give you a dressing gown,
what do I get?"

“Hey, crumb.
How about math?"

"Let's count us together,
I'll take off my clothes and tell you."

An old but well-regarded start:

"What�,
if we took off our clothes?"

Or naughty: "Guess,
where would your top come into its own."

"On my bedroom floor."

Covering the last one:
"Would you have a coin?"

"I promised to call my �id,
when I fall in love."

Who are you?

I'm a bachelor.

You are a fool, Mr. Bachelorman.

Sorry.
Let's slow down. I just...

- Let it be.
- What�?

How men
do you stay in your skins near you?

You're like a middle-aged girl.

- You are every boy's dream.
- Just keep going.

Tip number 22:

At this point you never know,
what happens until the girl...

...raises his hips.
Then the puck is in the goal.

Be proud before this stage.

Nice!

Stay there�.

- Hello.
- �iti t��ll�.

Alright.

It only takes two minutes.
Wait in the bedroom.

It's upstairs, another door
on the left. Keep your hips moving.

I heard ��me�. Who is there?

- Are you getting?
- It's one girl. What do you want?

It's Monday now.
Bears and Cowboys...

Monsters of the Midway
against the Dallas team.

Your father threw me out.
He wanted his own time.

I don't understand what he's up to,
when I'm gone.

- Isn't it already late?
- It's a quarter past six.

Did you kick him out of the bar?

I don't! I...

- Yes.
- Everything is fine.

These are new. �l� forget
use them. They are extra thin.

They are your father's favourites.

Thanks for the info, �iti.
My enthusiasm suddenly died.

I guess so.

This is for you
Christmas present in advance.

He huffs after two minutes
like Monica Seles.

This is...
I don't need this.

I'm sorry. I know what you need.
Don't forget that I'm your aunt.

A woman knows everything about her children,
toothpicks, romances -

- best friends, favorite foods,
duration of labor...

Yes, you know.
Father has a fragile image -

- of those living in the house
of little people.

Shouldn't this be in the box?

- You turn me on.
- Same words.

You are huge. Do good.

- I haven't even started yet.
- Let it come, Lucky!

Deeper, harder,
faster! Exactly.

Maybe I should be next door.
Who is that?

Bachelorette Woman.

Jeez. He's still jogging
even after eight hours of sex.

Your message, sir.

SMOOTH FACE

CUP SIZE: 36C

NO WEDDING RING

POSSIBLE OPENING LINES:

1. A NICE P�RST�FACTORY

2. DO YOU TAKE DICTATIONS?

3. HI, HONEY.
MOUSE OR POINTER BALL?

CHEST: 97 CM LONG

WEDDING RING

ADULT DIAPER

Sorry...

- What's bothering you?
- My neighbor.

She is the woman of my dreams,
and I have to listen to -

- when he married someone else.

Has Ted Davis faced
finally the woman of his dreams?

If he really is,
Don't peak your tail.

Charm them. Throw them on the bed.
Take notes.

My only joy in life
is hearing your stories.

I don't want to shit in my own laundry.

Are you crazy? Fuck off.

- How does he look?
- Great.

- However, he is booked.
- Is the man bigger than you?

A woman always screams,
that the man is huge. How about:

"Put your little pill inside me."

- I meant, can you get your turn?
- I haven't seen men.

He will have sex
for eight hours.

Then he leaves. It's like inside
- out, in - out, snack -

- in - out,
in - out and thank you.

- a charming man.
- His name is Lucky.

So this well-equipped man -

- sneaks in to print
for eight hours -

- and then have fun
I left the place.

So. That's it.

The answer is James Coburn.
I can't appeal to women outside of me.

However, James Coburn does not disappoint.
Look at this.

They didn't notice me.

Don't be fooled.
James Coburn is art.

The man has to know,
when did Derek Flint� freeze.

Look carefully.

7 brave men�.

Stories, boy.

Our viewership has been
at the height of your leadership.

We are not taken seriously,
unless we stop the programs of the dreams.

They pay our bills.

- I have to go.
- Why?

I can't bear to talk to Hardin.

Meg, you are...

Why is he so sour?

You married once, and he
thinks of it as an eternal commitment.

Doug Hardin is the asshole of the company.

Guess what's sad. He is
the hottest package in this building.

- He is possessive.
- Doug...

I have
some great program ideas.

Hardin, you don't understand. I don't like you.

Meg is important to me,
so present your thoughts elsewhere.

- Is it clear?
- It's okay, Ted.

I have to ignore it then
your opinion.

�l� argue with an idiot.
You get on his level -

-and he beat you
with experience.

Total Complete Sports viewership figures
are at their peak -

- an average of 5.8.

This is clear
last year's average of 1.2 -

- but we would like to
still added a kick to the hustle and bustle.

For program planning
must come up to speed.

Ted Davis, our new program hack -

- has worked for the last 90 days
several brilliant ideas -

- by Total Complete Sports
with the future in mind.

We don't just have good news.

In the background it's foggy
takeover of our network.

However, I am convinced
about the board -

- that in progress is great
a show we're betting on.

Planning needs to speed up.

Davis, you
there is a month to do the job.

Otherwise, we'll move to Atlanta.

Wonderful. You are so clever.

- I'm in a hurry. What do you want?
- So you are...

You mean you can hear me?

- Oh no!
- Oh yes.

Come in.
I'm not ready, or he isn't.

Come in.

Sorry, Lucky. Where did we go?

Oh yeah.

Lovely!

Tuck it in.

Fill me up completely.

Just like that! Let it come.

- Honey, I came back from the war.
- Not at all. Just keep going.

- You are a real fool.
- You betrayed me!

- I'll kill myself!
- Come on, Lucky.

What? It's good.

I'm complaining. See you soon.

- That helped. Thanks.
- It won't last.

It is a great relief
that you don't sleep with everyone.

I'm sorry for the noise. Many
my clients are hard of hearing.

- I'm Heather Newman.
- Ted Davis.

- I'm sorry.
- Not that much.

- T�ss�.
- Thank you.

- How long have you been doing this?
- About a year.

How
practicing milking people?

- I worked in a law office.
- That explained everything.

I surprised my boyfriend
with a stenographer.

He had his pants on.

I took a year off
and I had fun.

It's not exactly glamorous, but
the pay is good and I am my own boss.

So you moved from the prosecutor's bench
promoting sexual harassment.

Molestation
is a broad concept in this field.

You also have a sense of humor.
What does your boyfriend say about you?

I don't have a boyfriend.

You would go with me
to the theater on Sunday?

I don't.

- Right?
- No?

What are you doing here?

Truth be told, I have female concerns.

- Is that Julia?
- No.

- Diane?
- No.

- Barbara? kay?
- No.

- Jill?
- No.

- Liz? Laurie?
- No.

Grace? Bobbie? Wendy? Eileen?
A tall girl with a job?

Lisa? No.

- Is it someone new?
- This is Heather.

Heather...

No need for envy.
Until you find the right one -

- life is just
leaving and being left.

Thank God I found your aunt.

I knew that
the differences were a thing of the past.

There isn't
your ways of worrying about women.

He doesn't even go on dates.
This is a new situation.

- I don't know what to do.
- Surrender. It doesn't hurt.

Where is your mother?

Inside. He watches sports.

You little bastard!

Do you get paid for that?
You are forgiving.

- Who the hell is number 24?
- Shohoney. He is new.

He's miserable.
Oh cry! I will never win�.

Take it easy.

Old eels
they haven't won in forever.

- I would have something to do.
- Later. I bet on bitches.

It would only take a moment.

- What now?
- It's all about...

- It's about one girl.
- About Julie? About Diane? Kayst�?

No. He is new.

Heather.

For God's sake. You're hornier
like Woody Allen at a family reunion.

You're just like your aunt.

You should talk
about it with your father.

I did speak.
He told me to give up.

Your father wouldn't even be allowed at a rock concert
hand full of free tickets.

Come back when the match is over.
I'll tell you how to swim in a girl's bra.

You could ask for help
from your network guys.

They are satisfied with the road
more about women than river hockey.

When the money has gone this much,
you will penetrate...

You can penetrate inside.

Sorry.
Did someone order a namused here?

No.

- You have to get them to buy.
- No.

You need a brand.

Thank you.

You are marketing yourself
and you get the message.

GO OUT WITH TED

K�VISIK� DINNER?

No.

Ted the Great! You are a bachelor hero!

Tell him
your hopes, your fears and your lusts.

Tell me everything about yourself.
Then you will succeed!

This is "Fun with your own help".
How can I help you?

Bye.
Just thought I'd ask if you offer...

- I don't.
- I...

No! No! No!

There is nothing to tell.
He doesn't believe me when I say no.

He doesn't just send flowers.

H�n glues notices,
where he asked me out.

He's listening to me behind the wall.

He developed it
even the ad itself.

- Isn't that strange?
- Yeah, but is he dead?

Appearance is an overrated thing.

If he is witty and charming -

- but it looks like an elephant,
you spend a lot of time at home.

There is no outside
as important as good sex.

Sex and money abound.

I'm fed up with men
which you try to shorten.

They distribute
gifts and compliments.

You know the type you like.

You talk about him all the time.

He's probably sitting at home even now
thinking of you

I have to get back to work.
Bye.

Weird. Try the phone number thing.

Sorry. I lost my phone number.
Would you give me yours?

- Damn. What does this mean?
- Hello.

Girls won't notice you.

I have to go somewhere
miss� there are no women.

I miss peace and quiet.

THE END OF THE VLLKO

- I'm worried about Ted.
- He is not himself.

- What's wrong with him?
- He's in the Low Countries.

Damn it.

Wait a minute.

- What now? I'm in a hurry.
- This will not happen again.

You are my heart. I wouldn't date
with you, even if you pay.

leave me alone
if i pay you

You only want me because I refused.

I know your type.
I know what you want.

I have to talk
with another jerk.

It's good. Your boyfriend cheated on you,
so you fortify your home -

- without giving me a chance.

I'm crazy about you
and I want to get to know you.

Guess how hard that was to say.

Alright. Forget it.

- Hello.
- Ted.

I didn't want to upset you.

I'm full to the brim
men's lies.

How should I act?
How could I get to know you?

- Why do you hate me?
- I don't hate you.

I apologize. I'm not right
got along with men.

Wait a minute. There's someone at the door.
I will get rid of him.

Now that you're honest...

You are quite attractive.

- K�visik� dinner?
- It's good.

As long as we can take
phones included.

Can't we talk normally?

- This is much nicer.
- It's good.

Will you forgive my rudeness?

- Yes, I guess.
- Shall we make up with a kiss?

Got it.

I didn't mean that.

Tip number 43:

When all else fails, be honest.

Don't worry. My answer will take it.

It's my phone.
Sorry. I'm still here.

- Hello, Lucky. Are you ready?
- You can believe that.

I have a gray T-shirt...
You put it over my shoulder.

- Take me to the bedroom.
- Not the kitchen!

I'm cooking!

- You threw me on the table.
- Yeah.

- Rip my pants open and...
- My toilet is not open yet.

- You're sticking your tongue out... Oh my God!
- Where am I thrusting my tongue into?

- You are clever! You are the best.
- Where�?

Jack!

- Wait. I lost the fat.
- Right there�. Oh my god!

I...

I'm starting to feel
myself approved.

Ted and Heather

Found common ground

Now let's get to know each other and fall in love

We kiss and hug
All balls are fetched

The softness of your hair is intoxicating

let your goodness take over
and I'll buy you presents

Ted and Heather

Together they are forever,
just for now

You know that
do you have a romantic glow?

It's because of the cappuccino. It burned
my mouth and holding back tears.

Tears.
Are you crying Bachelorman?

- Not at all�.
- Get emotional.

- It's sexy.
- Well, in that case...

Do you think you're the only one
what scares you?

As you can see, the viewership numbers
have remained steady -

- but Total Complete Sports
Network has dropped to 2.4.

Our goal
is slightly higher.

Much higher.

Planning needs to speed up.

Where the hell is Davis?

If we lose more ads,
we have to stop softball.

Planning needs to speed up.

�l� grind that same thing.
What is happening here?

- Davis has not been heard from.
- He has been under pressure.

We can perhaps reduce them,
unless planning...

...take a new direction soon.

Hardin is on the sales side,
but he has good ideas.

may i speak

Davis has done a good job.
However, now is the time for new winds.

- Someone could lighten the load.
- Speaking of burdens...

I think you are in a hurry.

Ted has a big project going on.
It's something brilliant.

I really hope so.

If it involves monkeys or
to top models, they have been fired.

McMannis
tried a birdie on the 18th hole.

Nice punch. Boobs
you didn't mess with that putt.

You know what would be great?

Equestrian display,
where there would be fancy dresses.

So?

Forget about Football memories
and replace it -

- With show jumping...
and with top models.

Enough talk now. I'm playing. come on!

Tip number 64: Prepare
in relation to a period of a couple of weeks -

-when you have a girlfriend
gets excited about your penis.

- It jumps.
- Yeah. Cold hands...

�l� move.
Let it go to voicemail.

- This is Ted Davis. Leave a message.
- Hello, Bachelorman.

Are you free this evening?

I was thinking about your previous gifts.
Me and the moose need something to eat.

A tip about the defendant is important.
Don't forget tip number 12

- Well?
- It was a former acquaintance.

I knew him before you.
I have forgotten them.

What gift? Did you fill it?
Did you give him Poop Moose?

- Say you gave.
- I'm sorry.

What now?

I really like you.

You are used to dating women,
I can't change you.

Admit that you don't want a relationship.
I don't want you to be deceitful.

What?
I have never been deceitful.

I was playing basketball with someone else.

Ted announced his wallet
lost and gave my identification.

I was followed,
and Ted asked me to dinner.

I am a nurse.
He came to the emergency room -

- and presented sick.
He had his appendix removed.

We were bedridden for weeks.

He claimed to be a film producer
and promised me a part -

- in his next comedy.
I got a couple of funny lines.

My face was not even visible.

Good god. I am deceitful.

Ted, I didn't want a relationship.
I didn't even want to go on a date.

I am passionate.
When I start a relationship -

- I will give it my all.

I want love.
I can't stand any more heartaches.

I swear I want a relationship.

I just want to be with you.
I have never felt like this.

I just want to be with you.

I can't say anything else. �l� source.

Because...

...I love you.

When a person falls in love,
so nature leads him

Everything changes
The beginning may be scary

Swear to the heart is a sign clearly so

A favorite has flown into my heart

Love requires time together

You visit the shops
Two of you feel the magic

Freedom is gone
Sweet the testicles too

Now female power is fresh

A favorite has flown into my heart

Goodbye, Poop Moose.

Call!

Are you OK? You look different.

You have a big stomach.

Stop now. Everything is great.

Decorative pillows, sculptures -

- trinkets. Where are the photos?

- Kittens!
- They are Pookie and Cookie.

Men hate cats.
Women like them.

Men tend to like cats
but kicked them out secretly.

- Do you take the waste�?
- What has happened to you?

- Are you ready for this?
- What do you mean?

- Is the girl the right one?
- Heather? You are paranoid.

Your bench is replaced by a pet sofa.

We needed more space...

- Are you crazy?
- Heather... We thought...

- Wait a minute.
- Let it go to voicemail.

- Hello. This is Ted.
- And Heather.

- I'm not at home.
- I don't even live here.

So leave your name and number,
then we will call you back.

Hey, honey. Your lights are on.

Why don't you pick up the phone?
What are you doing?

I've been thinking
you and Herbie all day long.

See you soon.

Herbie�? Did he give your girlfriend a name?
Are you crazy?

Is this just a ploy to get sex?

You hit the nail on the head.

You know me too well.

He's not here now.

- I do boy things.
- All right.

- Let's watch less TV.
- Fine. Choose that.

Let's take a look at half of our five favorites.

- Yeah...
- Then Came Trees�.

This is funny.

I'm just laughing
when Tree beats five bullies.

Look when...

We can't watch Then Came Treet�,
Gordie.

We can't look at it. Why?

We have followed it for 15 years.

Why can't we watch it�?
16.30, Then Came Tree.

Heather is recording something.

- Tried to take the remote control.
- It's important.

What is it? Who woman
can prevent you from watching TV?

- I don't know.
- What is he recording?

- Mel...
- Mel Gibson? Asphalt warrior?

- That's great!
- Mel...

Melanoma? Mel Torme? Mel... what�?

Melrose Place!

Artie, come to Ted.
He needs our help.

What are you talking about? I don't need help.

Don't you?

I have a new phone and calendar.

We don't see the episode,
where Tree lost her virginity.

- However, I'm fine.
- I see.

You used to reject those things.

shelf paper,
perfume, Pookie and Cookie!

Selling.
That woman has changed you.

You are under the slipper.

It's good. It's true!
I can't stand pretending.

I don't know what happened.

There are pillows in my house.
I divorced Heather.

However, I want my freedom.
I like flirting!

I want to leave the towels on the floor.

I don't want to use coasters!

guess,
what I found in the mailbox today.

He invited the neighbors to the dumplings.

He has signed the invitation
"Ted and Heather".

I don't want to be someone's and sign!
I want to be myself again!

Help me.

Help before it's too late.

Anaconda with seven cards.
Cards to the right.

The smallest card is the joker.
The highest and lowest hands split the win.

Clint Shiti� with four cards.
H�vi�j� doubles the pot.

Low Chicago.
Five bucks minimum bet.

Low-high. The Akas are jokers.
I make it stink!

I'm back! We all are.

Viva Bachelorman!

- Just like that.
- You just flush the toilet.

Your business is done.

- �l� do it�.
- Let it be!

Ted, for God's sake. Leave it up!

What if he sits... It's cold.

It's for your own good, Ted.

No!

I, Ted Davis, hereby declare -

- via Poop Moose Oy,
that I am and always will be -

- Bachelorman!

- Herbie?
- Lemmenlude.

I want you to know one thing. Is it
the anteater or the cypress?

Kyp�r�, definitely.

I've never had sex
with uncircumcised.

It has to be done,
even for a change.

But when
can you find it behind the folds?

The charm of novelty
turns off at that place.

Mayonnaise is enough!

Are you doing well with Ted?

I am very happy
for little Heather.

I want to raise a toast
To the man of the day, Ted...

- ...whatever her name was!
- And to Herbie.

You have to come up with something
or get fired.

Don't worry.
I'm leaving Heather and focusing on my career.

Are you leaving?
I thought you liked him.

- I don't enjoy this at all.
- Tell him the truth.

Let go of bad excuses.

Have you done the same thing before?

Do you want to get rid of him?
You must do it in writing.

You could make a commercial where
you explained to him the advantages of being single.

Write the statistics on the table.

Tell me that most marriages
gets rid of.

Then you sit in silence.

The first one to speak wins.

- Then you run. Bingo!
- No.

Ted the Great.

Show your true nature. say,
that you have made a big mistake.

be honest,
conscientious, sensitive and sincere.

- What if it doesn't work?
- Say you're gay. It sucks!

Tip number 85:
When you leave your girlfriend -

- always be direct and gentle.

Take the girl to the place,
which he liked.

He might not be thrown
to be violent.

- He still wants to use the place.
- Observe the master's work.

- You were lucky.
- You still have it today.

I have something to tell you.

- Is it a surprise?
- It is.

Good. I have a surprise for you too.

My friend Judy
comes to bed with us.

I'm pregnant.
My husband got parole.

My herpes is receding.

I'm really a man.

- Ted. Ted?
- What�?

- Start there�.
- I want to tell it between the two of you.

Give it up, son! It doesn't hurt.

- I went to a gynecologist.
- I have to say this.

It might be a shock.

- See a gynecologist.
- Yes. That was my surprise.

So?

Condoms cost money,
so i started the pills.

- So?
- Can't you see the difference?

I've grown a mustache.

You are worth it.

Are you going to tell your own surprise?

Yeah. Look when...

Wait! I meant to forget.

This is for you.

- Look at the autograph.
- Manny Mota.

That's why you like him.

I've been dreaming about this since I was five years old
until. It must have cost a lot.

- How did you know?
- your aunt told.

He lent me this outfit.
What do you like?

Let's take a peek
to your surprise.

No. It's not my surprise. My
has to leave this relationship.

- What�?
- I�m a Bachelorman.

- People trust me.
- Who? Friends?

Nynny, Sekop�� and �lyk��pi�k�?

I tried to end the relationship.

You don't play it right.
You are perfect! Me... And you...

- You said I'm good in bed!
- You are.

This is already enough anyway
difficult. It's not my fault.

I thought I could settle for...
But I can't.

What else can I do?
How would you understand -

- that we have something bigger
like the dims of the tit calendar?

You think you are sacrificing a lot
but you just give up -

- about the possibility
in dreams anytime.

Heather, I love you.

You think this is a joke.
I'm scared -

- that I wouldn't hurt you
or I would destroy your life.

I really love you.

I'm just not ready.
I don't know if I ever will.

It's good.

- This went surprisingly well.
- Keep it!

Are you crazy? Now look at yourself.

we had fun
just like before.

Who needs him?
I'm about to get up to speed again.

Right, my brother.

Hot pack at ten o'clock�.

- Sorry. Are you Sally?
- Sorry, how?

- Are you Sally Bevins?
- I don't.

- Ted Davis. We had a date.
- You have confused people.

Tom called you blonde,
who has a knock-out face.

Look around you and say,
you are not Sally Bevins.

So you�re Ted.

You must be the one
the bitch that Tom warned about.

I'm serious.
have we met

I don't live in that place.

So you don't think you can send it to us?

I don't know. Can it fit
two people in a cave?

I'm there if you need me.

What happened? See you later?
Did you get the number?

Hello.

Wait.

I'm going to try James Coburn.

- Are you waiting for someone?
- What did you say?

You would come sit with us.
We are funny punters.

- No, no. What did you say first?
- I was just thinking...

- You still look like...
- I understand.

So a woman can't come to the bar
alone. She must have a man.

Just thought I'd ask,
would you join us.

I didn't ask you into my bed.

Good Lord.
Am I not good enough to be a bed club?

That's not what I meant.
Of course I would take you to my bed.

Do you remember when James Coburn
visited the Sheriff of Rome�?

- I've lost my grip.
- Are you crazy?

Your skills are just rusty. remember,
that girls are like trams.

I've lost my superpowers.

It's just a technical thing.

No. I am
kurkimus, idiot, ��li�, h�lm�.

Ted Davis, Sex Machine.

I'm a bachelor.

- I'm ready when you are.
- Wait a minute, baby.

- Could you turn off the light?
- Sure.

I'm ready when you are, k�ril�s.

Do you need help?

You have to strike while the iron is hot.

Even with superheroes
there are sometimes problems -

- let love into the palace.

- Not me. Not on Bachelorman�.
- I think you know what's going on.

I drank too much.
My egg can't stand whiskey.

- Liquor makes it...
- No. You're thinking about someone else.

You are in love.
You are clearly busy.

You don't know what you're talking about, Heather.

My prediction is complete.

Almost all men
sometimes have erection problems.

- Just let me come.
- I will. Too bad you can't.

Test results are normal.
You are healthy.

No diabetes, no drugs
use or nerve mice.

- Surrender, son!
- You are young.

You are perfectly fine
in almost every way.

If you can't masturbate,
the trouble is physical.

If you can do it,
the trouble is psychological.

- It's psychic.
- Have you fallen in love recently?

Our viewership
have decreased to zero.

We have no more viewers.

Planning needs to speed up.

We made a mistake
named Davis.

He is tired after betting
for a big project.

That's where success comes from.

While waiting for that, we are done
take a new direction.

Hardin?

You see that
I fit Davis's shoes perfectly.

Come on, Lucky.
No one is your age.

I've never felt anything like this before.
I have not previously...

...raised such a sum of money.

- What�?
- Forget the �skein.

What will you do to me next?

I tore after the oil and spices
your clothes burned -

-and I would love you
better than anyone.

Or you would love.
What do you men know about love?

- You run away from it�.
- I have a whisk...

You suck nourishment from us.
Not just �butter� and spices.

You are crushing our souls.
Hotkitte our energy -

- until it's gone!
Then you move forward.

- Do I have to pay for this?
- �l� talk about fees, Lucky!

Women pay in a relationship.

You use us for your time
and you go looking for -

- something better that doesn't exist.

Do you have a sister or cousin?
This doesn't work.

- I'm just flexing.
- Flexible?

You put
top models for every program -

- and now you want to do�
Impotent athletes of the 70s.

Selling. I've lost my grip.

My charm, my business skills
and my confidence is gone.

You just need a good idea.
It's like driving around.

I guess you still know how to ride a bike?

- T�ss�. Take the yummy.
- Thank you. It is necessary.

- Oh my god. It's Doug.
- Oh my god. It's Heather.

She's with Doug!

Oh no. It's Ted.

- We need to talk.
- Who says that?

I'm serious.
My life is at the point of collapse.

Previous state of confusion
was much nicer.

You wanted to end this. It's over.

- I may lose my job.
- How does that relate to me?

This is "Fun with my own help"...

I'm here. This will be expensive,
so please

So.

I wanted to apologize for my use.

I have typhoid.

Not that much. I understand.

I thought I'd ask,
could we meet tomorrow

- I could cook dinner.
- Of course. I'll bring Doug.

Do you have a lady?

Damn it!

Hi, Lisa, Wendy...

Bachelor's tip...

...blah, blah, blah. Just the same.

- Hey, Ted. What's up?
- Good, Heather.

- Good, Ted.
- Ted.

- Doug.
- What's up? Who are you?

- This is Tsuki.
- Sure.

Nice to meet you.

- We are close.
- So do we.

- Hello. Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

It's about compliments. My heart.

Anyone still having a drink?

Wine�, beer, cyanide?

It's getting late already.
I think we're going to fall on the tree.

What? So do we.

Are you ready? Good night.

Tip number 1273a: If a woman
break your heart, find a new one.

- Let's make love.
- This is a bit strange.

Your dishonesty makes up for your enthusiasm.

- Let's make love.
- All right.

- Can I use the toilet?
- You don't! You can, but hurry.

You seem to be a bit of a freak.

Ted!

Oh my god!

Now be honest.
Are you pretending?

- I'm coming!
- So? I'm coming too!

- I'm ready, Ted.
- Not now, Tsuki. Wait a little.

Okay.

I'm coming!

Okay.

- The other has to change.
- How can you be with that pig?

Meg organized it. He said,
that it would drive you crazy.

He was right.

Great. My reputation is also ruined.

- You deserve it.
- What?

- You destroyed my home and my life.
- What about my life and my home?

What? What's laughing now?

- The room looks really good.
- What�?

So.
Let's tear down the whole wall. So if...

...you agree my wife.

Okay.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- Did we wake up the neighbors?
- I don't care. I'm with my love.

- I am nothing without you.
- I know.

I lost my grip on work.
You may need to return to the phone.

- Someone has to bring a table of bread.
- Do you want some advice?

You are the boss.
Choose something you like.

How about you and your friends
worshiped kung fu trash?

Tree tip number 32: Authentic
a bachelor never eats anything -

- which takes longer to do -

- like blaming it.

Who could it be?

Now let's go!
This is the revenge of the century.

Then Came Tree
against Grill brothers -

- to reveal in one fell swoop,
who is very -

- spiritual advisor
on television.

We'll be back after the ads
A real bachelor couple.

Great.
Our viewership has increased.

The Real Bachelor
has covered everything.

- Planning gained momentum.
- Stop... It did.

Sounds good.
I think I'll take the evening off.

You've earned it.
Do you have an important date?

No. Something much better.

- Welcome to the family.
- Thank you, father.

Hello.

You start
two weeks without me?

We don't.
I got promoted because of your project.

Guess what�.
Doug Hardin will be my subordinate.

I can't wait.
I pinch my tail from my butt every morning.

Great.

- Are you going?
- I'm going.

Bachelor tip number 1...
This is the most important.

Listen to the tips
in love affairs -

- especially my tips.

Hey there, boy!

- Hey, hey, Heather!
- Bye, Lucky!

It's over now.
An era has ended.

It's not over yet.

The Came Tree!

Let the love flow.

- Be good.
- I'm a man.

One more time.

Move down faster.

- Be good.
- I'm a man.

You're not ready.
Keep it up next time.

Hold it up?

You mean the skirt?

I tried my best.